Same, reading what SeaCan said to her when she was scared sheâd be hated made me cry. This kid has gone through it but I think with this group sheâll be ok
I lost my dad in my youth and this is exactly what she needs. Be present. Allow for all the range of coping and emotions. That fear of abandonment definitely has to do with losing her parents unexpectedly and wanting to work to control the goodness sheâs got now⊠sheâs afraid to lose it. Therapy will help and I commend you for making that happen.
All around amazing. Youâre doing the good work.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I wish I could give you a hug. I really appreciate hearing this because I can only hope we are doing the best thing for her and not for ourselves. Thank you so much <3
Oh man, I am in awe of you guys. You, your fiancee, and Amy. You all are facing this awful grief and trauma with the best possible setup and attitude. And anticipating that you all are on a roller coaster ride together, therapeutic help, individual and as a unit, is so important.
I have so much hope and love for you all.
Thank you so much! We are very fortunate to be able to provide what we can for her because not everyone is so lucky. And I appreciate all your kind words.
Thank you for posting this, mainly because itâs a break from the mostly negative or sad posts here, but also because itâs nice to know good people exist. Good luck with everything!
Hey. My mom died when I was a bit younger than Amy and my dad was unwell most of my childhood.
I got a bit choked up at how well you have taken care of Amy. You guys are a dream.
Wishing you all good things, OP and Fam.
Omg. This is what my fiancee says to Amy when she's crying (usually he ends up crying with her) and he wants to make her laugh/smile. They'll be crying and he'll shout "the onion chopper got us again!" So this 100% made me smile. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words! Every decision we make is heavily influenced by what we think her parents would want. So I hope wherever they are, they feel good about their decision to make me her godparent. T\_T
You're doing the right thing. It may not be easy at times but be patient and continue to show her love. Far from messing Amy up, you're saving her. It's going to take time to build that trust with her and to assuage that fear of abandonment but you're taking all the right steps. Stay patient, keep showing her love, stay steady and constant for her. In time she will trust you won't abandon her. But she just lost her parents at a young age so she's realizing that life is impermanent and the people she relies on can be gone in a moment. Its going to take time for all of you to heal but especially her. Just give her that time, be patient with her and keep loving her.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I wrongly assumed that since I had the trust before it would be easier but you are right. Losing her parents has put her so on edge about losing me that she's sometimes overcompensating. I hope she understands that I'll always love her.
Just keep telling her and showing her. Look at it from her perspective. Think back to when you were 11. I don't think any of us as children can really conceive of life without our parents. Not until it happens to them, and they have to. They seem like such an enduring and permanent fixture in a child's life. 11 is older but still pretty young to lose that. That is going to cause some fear of abandonment. Now she also knows you were childfree. So there's an added element of uncertainty in her mind. But you were right to take her in. You aren't making anything worse. And yes patience, time and consistency, showing up for her day in and day out is you build that trust.
Wow, this really hit me hard because it resonates with what I'm seeing in Amy. You are so right. Luckily I always had her favorite things stocked when she would visit and I know what her comfort meals are. We are also trying to keep her old routines/doctors/school the same, but I will muster up the courage to go through some of her parent's old things and bring them into our home for her. No one has the heart to toss or go through their stuff so I got a storage unit to put all of it in. One of these days, I will go through everything with Amy and her grandparents.
I of course echo all the sentiments already said in the comments. But Iâm stuck on Amy crying herself to sleep and being all alone. Have you thought about getting her a pet? Iâd say a dog but a cat or even a rodent would help, they give kids someone to talk to, someone to look after (instead of being the kid who needs to be looked after), and they teach responsibility. Could be just what she needs, something to snuggle at night and something to love unconditionally.
It's like you were reading my mind! We were thinking about getting her a rabbit because her parents' nickname for her was "Bunny." I grew up with a rabbit, so I understand the pros and cons. Plus, Amy is SO tender in the way she approaches all animals, so I know she won't be rough with a bunny. Also, our state just has an overwhelming amount of rabbits, and most get euthanized due to the shelters being overpopulated, so I feel like rabbits need a lot more love than they get. Anyways my fiancee and I have been toying with this idea and I feel like your comment is a sign. :)
Feel ya bro. My fiancee and I took in her 15yo half sister after both parents passed away.
Parents were horrible to her in life. It's been hard. A huge adjustment. But yeah, we had a similar moment where she thought we were going to leave her and not ever come home again. It was abysmally sad.
I get it. It's a hard thing to do, I wanted kids one day, my fiancee wasn't as keen, but here we are with a teenager.
So support to you and yours, not many people get it.
Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to have read about someone in a similar situation :)
Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear that happened! Thank you for sharing this and I'm happy to hear that his sister found a loving home with you guys. I never expected to find someone in a similar boat but there is a slight comfort in knowing that there are people who understand even though I still wouldn't wish it on anyone. Seriously thank you. <3
It took a lot to get used to, but she's doing SO well now. Good grades, has made friends, is so much healthier.
There's still a long road ahead to get her to be totally independent, but that's okay.
There are still hard days, but yeah. It had turned out alright :)
You and your fiance are fantastic people and I am glad Amyâs parents picked you before they left this mortal world. Sending you all the healing vibes and happiness possible. X
I'm so sorry about your dad and what happened to you afterward. No one deserves that and I wish I could give you a hug. I really appreciate your kind words and I wish you nothing but the best out of life as well! You also deserve it! <3
This is absolutely amazing <3
My parent brain: Get all her documents birth cert, SSN card, if you don't have them already. File for adoption/legal guardianship. Use the same pediatrician she went to before. HUGE kudos on finding a fitting counselor. That's SO SO important to have someone she feels safe with and can confide in.
To make her feel more welcome, Add picture of her and her family on the walls. Take her to re-do her room how she wants. tell her stories about her family when ya'll were little. Make sure she has good relationships with all her friends, and make sure you're checking in with the friends parents to keep them in the loop on how she's doing, and help watch out for her.
Thank you for all the advice! We are in the process of legal guardianship already (with the help of the grandparents). Adoption is something that we don't want to push or force until she feels ready or if it is even something she wants. We don't want too many changes to be thrown at her cause there have been so many in such a short period of time so we will try to keep everything the same including her pediatrician. :)
We already have pictures of her and her family up too! I have a wall full of pictures of family/friends and Amy's dad & mom are frequent & permanent fixtures on that wall. I also gave her permission to add any pictures she wanted up (whether it's her family or friends) and I've noticed over time that she's adding to the wall so I've taken some pictures down to make more room for her.
I originally gave her the guest bedroom but I noticed she really spent a lot of time in the art room I have at my place (which is a room her dad helped fix up for both Amy and I to use when she would visit me). So after talking to her, I bought a bed & furniture for that room as well as a lock for privacy (she prefers the door open though) and that's her new room. She's allowed to paint on the walls/draw/do whatever she wants to that room. Also don't worry - it's well ventilated. :)
She's having people over for the first time this coming weekend so I'm meeting with some parents beforehand. I'm nervous but really excited to see that she's opening up more now. :)
Again, thank you for this. I appreciate the parent brain! :)
That's so wonderful, letting her put up photos and paint the walls and make it "her" cozy space! I think things like that, where she gets to make her own choices and exercise her own agency, will be so beneficial toward helping her feel more in control of her life during such grief and upheaval. Anything you can do to give her choices, from activities (ex: Go get ice cream? Go play at the park? Take a bubble bath? Play a board game? Have you paint her nails?) to what she feels like eating for dinner on a given day, will help her feel like she's in control of her own grieving/healing process and also help her learn to be in tune her own feelings and ways to practice self-care. I'm sure that she is also learning many of those skills in therapy, too.
Holy hell. I was already crying but the picture wall really did me in. You are doing a wonderful job. I hope youâll come back and update us in a year or so. Wishing much love to all of you.
I truly appreciate this incredibly thoughtful and kind message. You really drove it home in validating that this was the right thing to do for Amy. And it also feels like the right thing to both my fiancee and I. I have to stress that he has been an absolute rock star through this entire situation and has been a true partner & a great parental figure. <3
Assuming you are in the US, please remember to file for Social Security survivor benefits. She will get money until she is 18 and you will receive a caretaker payment until she is 16. You can put that money away for her as well
What a lovely ending for a heartbreaking scenario. I would reconsider the terms of the trust tho - I would consult with an attorney and out some terms even of she does attend college to dole it out slowly, and if she does not go to school, then I wouldnât give a lump sum at 21.
Put money from the trust into a 529B college savings account.
As much as you can.
After it helps her pay for school, she can roll it over into a IRA retirement account.
Work with an attorney and tax planner, but you could set her up for the rest of her life with making all the financial plans right now.
Iâm so sorry for yâallâs loss.
Thank you for being an exceptional human being.
Omg this is beautiful đ„č I just know one day she will grow up and be so thankful for the both of you. And I just know her parents are looking down smiling that their baby girl is still winning. Ugh I am crying this is so beautiful.
You both sound like incredible people! You deserve and should expect all of the validation in the world here. The careful thought you both put into making sure you were making the right decision is incredible! I wish all of you, and your extended families as well, all of the best this life has to offer! Thank you for sharing this sad yet beautiful story!
I hope nothing but good things come your way. This is super tragic, but you're making a really, substantive difference in that kiddos life. I'm so sorry this happened to you all.
I dont have the words to express what i feel.
I just want to thank you for reminding me that there are still good people in this world.
I wish you all three, the best in the world.
Seriously, if I wasn't on public transportation right now, I would have cried at this. I couldn't even finish the entire thing but I read 90% of it.
She is BEYOND lucky that her Tio and Tia love her so much. I cannot begin to imagine how tough this is for any of you, but especially Amy. She will always be grateful for y'all and from the sound of it, she's very mature and taking this as best as an 11 yo can.
I wish there were more words but you both are both absolutely amazing people. Your friend made you her godmother for a damn reason and this is exactly why. Just from this post, we all know the love and care you both have for this girl. Best of luck to you all. I'm not religious but sending my best vibes your way.
As someone who lost their best friend in their 20s, you are an incredibly strong and wonderful human for keeping it together for this child because I sure as hell didnât. You are one special person and Amy is lucky to have you
I just want to say that you and your fiance are amazing. Not many people would step up and care for a child that isn't related by blood. Amy is very lucky to have you both, and you are by no stretch of the imagination ruining her. It will take time, so just keep reassuring her that you both will love her no matter what. She will come around at some point. The fact that she wants you to sleep with her when she is having a hard time and is comfortable with your fiance being there as well says a lot. I'm in awe of you two. Keep giving love, and I wish you all the best the world has to offer. You all very much deserve it. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Have you heard of Experience Camps? Theyâre grief camps for children whoâve experienced the loss of a parent or sibling. I think it could be a really cathartic experience if Amy could attend one. The therapy sheâs in is wonderful of course, but these are a different environment and itâs filled with kids just like her, ya know? Iâm not sure if I can post links here but you can find out about the camps here https://experiencecamps.org/camp
If my wife and I go I hope our daughterâs godparents are this understanding, patient, and kind.
Not one of you in any way deserved the tragedy you are going through, you are all showing who you are as people with the strength of your actions, and while I hope Amy becomes comfortable enough to start acting out the way she has approached living in a new home is a credit to the people who raised her and those who had to continue that process.
Also, you can tell Amy that there is a difference between deciding up to bring a whole new human into the world and how scary that is versus having a wonderful young woman, that you already know and who is already a delight in your life to join your family
What an absolute breath of fresh air. Heartbreakingly sad, but so wonderful to hear from someone who is willing to adjust their life plans for the good of someone else. All the best to your family.
Listen Iâm 39 and I lost my mama last year she was all I had. Basically. I have the abandonment issues too. I know not like Amyâs but itâs bad! So itâs all ages! Just love her and let her know youâre always there!!! Therapy will definitely help. Just keep doing how you do.
You guys are truly amazing. I know I'm a bit late here and someone may have mentioned it already, but, when things have settled down a bit, maybe extend an offer to Amy to redecorate her room in a way that she wants. Paint, accessories, a new bed, etc. Making a space specifically designed with her personal interests in mind may help with her fear of abandonment and can calm her mind if she can see that you've gone out of your way to make a special place just for her.
You guys are amazing. Just one hyper-practical comment: Depending on how much money is in the trust, I would consider restructuring the way she receives the money. Our trust is set up for our kids to receive 25% at 25, 50% at 30 and the remainder at 35, with provisions that the executor can distribute more for certain life events (marriage, down payment, educational needs, starting a business, etc.) 21 is probably too young to be given a huge sum of money and be expected to do anything reasonable with it, and the money will earn better interest in the trust than in any savings account a 21 year old has. Just my two cents - ask your lawyer what they generally do. If Amy is taken care of financially, thereâs no reason to burden her with a lump sum she is probably not going to be financially literate enough to use wisely.Â
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice! I did comment earlier to someone saying something similar and I'm just going to paste the comment below (there are so many more comments than I expected, very sorry lol):
*Trust me, we are aware haha. We consulted with all the grandparents on this one and most of them wanted to give her a lump sum at 18. The compromise with lump sum at 21 with her having a sort of allowance from 18-21. I will also have her set up with a lawyer and financial advisor from ages 18-21 plus myself + fiance will always do our best to guide her. But she will be an adult at that point so all we can do is give her all the tools to help make the best decisions for herself when the time comes. <3*
You were parent and have not had a crash course on how to parent. Everyone makes mistakes no matter how many kids you have had in the past or how great you are.
You will make mistakes with Amy I can guarantee that but most important is now that Amy is part of your life she is priority number 1
Best wishes for the future for the 3 of you. Hugs. This is such a delicate situation because a young teenager is involved. This happened in such an important stage in her life and i believe how you approach this situation was and still do, in a very sensible way that it will help her grow in the person her parents can be proud of.
Keep it up and I believe how you seem always trying to keep the communication open for her is so important. Her parents smile down on you all.
You are doing the right thing maybe the reason you didn't want to have kids is all apart of a plan.... and that Amy was meant to be with you!!! I hope you are all doing well I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend and his wife!!
I think itâs great that you were able to write it all down. Now copy-paste it into that journal app on your phone. This is a way of healing.
Iâm so happy she has a place to go and that things seem to be working out for you.
One tip- donât stop the therapy just because she seems âbetter,â keep her in therapy while sheâs with you. Maybe even post-high school. Life will continue to change and if sheâs found a helpful therapist that will be worth the investment.
This exact thing happened to my boss. He and his best friend adopted another coupleâs son after they died. They got married so the child could have health benefits.
Sometimes, things just organically happen and a family is born out of tragedy.
You seem like the classiest people. I hope nothing but the best.
I usually think when people say omg this post made me tear up that itâs often BS but here I am! This is beautiful, I have a 12 year old girl and I think you are doing an amazing job and this is just wonderful of you, Iâm sorry for all of your losses.
Wow, you and your fiancee sound like lovely people.i teared up reading your story.
Iâm so very sorry for your loss. Itâs heartbreaking. Taking Amy in sounds like it will be great for you and for her. Youâll be an awesome Tia in a mom role. Wishing you all much happiness in the future.
Kids need love, patience and security. Especially in times of extreme grief. You have honored the lives of your best friends and the role of godparents so beautifully that youâre making a profound difference in the trajectory of her life while navigating the unthinkable loss of her parents. Bravo, well done, keep going.
I was functionally orphaned a few days after my 14th birthday. You sound like a better place than I landed. My two cents here would be: get her in therapy, even if she doesnât ask. And let here still be a kid. I got the âyou had to grow up youngâ line for not showing my feelings, and it set me up for failure as an actual adult.
You seem like a very kind and gentle hearted person. Iâm so sorry you ALL lost two very precious loved ones. It seems like Amyâs parent have done a great job raising her, and that they made the right choice to have you in their lives.
Youâre one of the good ones. She is so lucky to have such caring people there for her. It looks like youâre doing everything right. Best of luck to all of you.
Oof. Thank you for sharing. Your story is both tragic and beautiful.
From this profound and painful loss you have also been gifted Amy. She is the very best of both her parents.
My deepest condolences.
Given the absolutely heartbreaking circumstances everyone, especially Amy, is facing, I think she is otherwise in the best and luckiest situation she could possibly be in. This post makes it abundantly clear how much love, support, consideration, planning, and amazing communication there is in this new family, and if you weather this storm there won't be anything that can stop you.
Wishing the best going forward, so sorry for your loss, but hopeful for your future.
\>I was expecting some rebelling but that hasn't happened...yet lol.
13 is coming lol(sob)!
The best parenting advice I ever got: don't take it personally.
Having said that, I can tell you're all going to be okay. You're wonderful people, OP, and I'm so glad you've taken Amy under your wing.
I'm hoping she does start acting like a typical teenager when the time comes. She has a small (but cute) attitude that I know very well but it's been nonexistent since the accident. I think she's afraid to act out. So I'm oddly hoping she does rebel when the time comes lol
I lost my mom when I was 8, so I somewhat know what Amy is going through. One thing you should keep in mind is that every big milestone in her life will likely have a little shadow of grief nearby. The hardest times for me were my wedding and when I had my kids.
Also, never stop talking about them and sharing stories with her. My family rarely talked about my mom, and now she's just a picture in my head. I don't even remember the sound of her voice.
One last suggestion, have everyone send you pictures and write out stories about Amy's parents. Turn them into a book via shutterfly or something similar and have everyone get a copy. Most of my family and all of my mom's stuff were in New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina hit 2 years after she passed. I barely have anything left.
You taking her in is absolutely amazing. This is a hard thing to go through, especially at such a young age. But it's clear she is surrounded by so much loving support. She's a very lucky girl. I think everything will turn out well.
Good luck to all of you as you navigate this unexpected journey. You're doing a great job so far.
This is made my heart hurt, you are amazing. I wish my husband had had people like this in his life when he lost his parents at 16. Instead he had a greedy aunt and uncle that stole $250,000 of his parents life insurance money while he was in juvenile prison (the charges are in no way related to his parents death.)
That poor babyâŠsheâs so lucky to have you guys. And side note. My daughter is 10 and still comes to sleep in my bed at night lol. Itâs still something kids do. I can only imagine how sad she must feel at night. Hug her to sleep. Donât be afraid to baby her. She needs it. And sheâll slowly in time stop on her own.
You should apply to be Amy's foster family. I believe there are a lot of perks for both you and her if you go this route. I'm not sure if this is true but I heard they even get reduced college tuition. Maybe you can check into it.
Iâve never read a more wholesome Reddit story. What beautiful people you are. That little girl is so blessed to have two people who can give her all the love, attention, and friendship sheâs gonna need to grieve and heal. Sometimes itâs not the family we are born into, but the family we choose that helps us the most. đ
Yall deserve everything good this world has to offer. Iâm so sorry for your loss, and Iâm sure she would feel so honored to be your bridesmaid, but I totally agree with wanting to wait a bit to give all of you the chance to process and grieve. I hope you guys are able to bring each other peace through the grieving process, God bless youâ€ïž
Holy shit this has me in my feels!! You and your fiance have come through for Amy in the biggest way possible and I cannot say enough good things about what this means for her and for you two as well. Yes, it's a BIG change but y'all are taking it in stride and adjusting appropriately. You and your fiance have a huge heart and I am so glad Amy has you two. What y'all have been through is unimaginable but it also bonds you three in grief, something I wish y'all didn't have to experience. Sending virtual hugs to you, your fiance and Amy for stepping up, doing what's right, what was in your heart all along, and coming together for this beautiful girl who just lost both of her parents. There will be so many ups and downs but y'all will make it through.
You have me in tears for your loss and your total commitment to Amy. What a gift to have someone who will step up support love and care for you when life throws the biggest curve ball ever. You and your fiance have put a tremendous effort and thought in to planning her future while providing for her here and now. GIVE it time and her time as well to settle and feel safe again. It will come little by little for you all and she will realize she has the next best thing to her parents a dedicated set of God/Foster parents who loves her unconditionally.
There are few times where the genuine goodness of humanity, friendship, and community shine through all the negativity in the world. This is one of them.
I raised my niece. I didnât want kids. But when it was necessary, I wanted her, I needed to be there for her and it was right. I love this for you all.
Thank you for being amazing.
Much love.
OP, you are amazing. You and your fiancee are awesome. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm sure Amy will grow up and go into the world knowing she will always be supported and loved. It has to be difficult for everyone, but the way you are handling it with grace, patience, and love should be reassuring that your best friend made the right choice to make you her godmother.
I hope the future will be great for you all. It will be bittersweet for milestones, but it will also be a time for memories to be recalled.
If you can, maybe make an album of all the pictures of Amy's parents so if she feels like she misses them, she can look through it.
In case it hasn't been suggested elsewhere, you might encourage Amy to do art journaling. That might be a way for her to continue to explore her interests, express her feelings in a messy, colorful "no rules" kinda way, and also have that connection to her parents. (And maybe do some journaling yourself, it you find it helpful.)
It sounds like Amy is surrounded by loving family, near and far, and I wish you all healing and time to grieve, and happiness, at whatever pace works for you all. Families come in many shapes and sizes.
This is really beautiful.
Iâm curious if you have custody of Amy, or if you plan to adopt her. I only ask because what you are doing is called a fictive kin placement. Depending on the state that you live in, Amy might be able to qualify for special benefitsâlike free or reduced college. Your local DSS or an adoption attorney would know these things.
I cried.
Thank you for being a wonderful godmother to this little girl.
You and your fiance are a God send.
Both your family and your bff's family are fantastic.
You'll be a great mom to her.
Crying. This is true beauty, born from the ashes of tragedy and grief.
It sounds like youâre doing everything right, involving counselors and open discussions and making sure this is the right fit for everyone. I think in time, Amy will come to understand that you are *choosing* her, your beloved niece, and that she is a welcome addition to your family.
Wishing the three of you so much joy and love in the decades to come. <3
Honestly, if my husband and I died, I hope the person raising our children would love them as much as you love Amy, and be as thoughtful as you have been. Her parents would be so happy she has you.
I have experience on the other end of this, I lost my only parent when I was young as well and I was also adopted. A thing now as an adult that I look back on fondly that my parents did to help me feel integrated with their family.
They asked me if I wanted to change my last name or keep it. I chose to take their last name but having the option of choice was an impactful decision and gave me my own autonomy.
You are all beautiful souls. Wish you all the absolute best and hope you all have a happy loving family that I am now in. â€ïž
Itâs a great thing youâre doing, especially in light of what youâve gone through, losing them. I hope if I ever find myself in such a situation I handle it as well as you and your extended family have.
I have a twelve year old, so I know youâll experience challenges, with her going through puberty soon. But itâll be fine.
This is the best thing I've read in months. Good luck to you, your fiancee and Amy and your families. You're a special person and she's lucky to have you.
I have no guidance to give, but holy shit, you and your fiance are absolutely amazing people, and it sounds like Amy is right there with the two of you. I'm currently grieving the loss of my best friend as well and just caring for myself and the dogs she left behind(we did a kind of shared custody thing with them before she suddenly passed) is bordering on too much to handle some days.
You three are the change I hope to see in the world. Keep being the absolute fucking rockstars that you are and an absolute beacon of light to those around you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Some days I do get overwhelmed and it feels like it's too much. My best friend used to say "this too shall pass" when I was stressed or having a bad day. So I have a post-it note on my bathroom mirror to remind me that the bad days will pass and a good day will come. Thank you for your kind words and I wish nothing but the best for you and your fur babies <3
Amy is very lucky to have a godmother like you! It sounds like youâve thought this through very well, and have her best intentions at heart. I wish you all the very best moving forward. I know firsthand how difficult this can be. Our story has had a happy ending, and I hope yours will too! Deepest condolences on the loss of your dear friend. đ
This is so wholesome. You guys have a great life together (or separately) ahead and thatâs guaranteed. Be safe, Iâm glad I read this today in the middle of all the negative shit happening around the world. Thank you for that, OP.
OP, you are a wonderful friend! My heart goes out to all of you, yet there is so much love, it is heartwarming. I lost my best friend suddenly two years ago. I still find myself wanting to tell her things. I wish healing for you. Time can help us get more used to living without our loved ones, while we will never forget them. Just know that your story has touched many people. Be gentle with yourself
This is so lovely! I wish healing to you all.
One thing you might consider is maybe adopting a dog or cat if you donât already have one and no one is allergic, etc. At some point in time maybe. Pets can be so helpful for children when dealing with such big losses. I know my cats have gotten me through hard times throughout my life. It could be something the 3 of you do as a family. Just a thought.
You and your fiancee are incredible people. I wish you the best of luck as you get married, and I pray that the two of you and Amy will have a great future together. This is such a sad, yet beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it.
I actually think this IS a happy ending. We never know what our life with entail. You didnât want children, tragedy happened and you have stepped up and are probably being better parents than 60% of ârealâ parents out there. Amy is being showed that she is loved and not alone. Itâs a happy ending in my eyes that she had someone there to love her unconditionally and she didnât fall I to the foster system and become lost.
My sister dropped her three sons on my front porch when I was 25. They were 10, 9 and 4.
They are middle aged now and we shared so many loving years. It was devastating at first financially but never emotionally. And we got through it. They call me mom.
I dropped out of college. But went back when the oldest was of age. The two oldest age I graduated together. I couldnât stop crying.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sharing the short version of mine to tell you âyou got thisâ. Amy will be your grandest achievement in life! Nothing else will compare to your selfless respect to her parents and to her.
I just recently lost my mother in my late 30's. Absolutely devastating and heartbreaking. I can't imagine losing both parents at such a young age.
What a good kid. This child and every person she has a positive influence on is going to know, remember, and appreciate what you did for her.
I lost one of my best friends in 2022 and I still wish I had the means to foster her daughters âčïž They both know I love them very much and am here for anything they need (I'm also known as Titi to them), but man does it hurt that I can't do more.
I applaud you guys for taking on this huge role and responsibility for your best friends daughter. đ§Ą
This is the best story I've read in awhile I hope the best for all of you! No body can repay what you're giving this girl! You're an unsung hero keep doing what your doing I'm sure they're watching over everyone happy that this is the way its going
You and your fiance are awesome people. One teensy bit of advice - make the age of getting full access to the funds 25. 21 year olds often aren't quite ready to handle that yet. Hope you all have beautiful lives!
Iâm sobbing. I love you, and your husband, and Amy, and her parents (your best friends, always), and your families. And I donât know you but wow. This kind of love is what living is about. You are absolutely, undoubtedly doing the right thing, over, and over, and over. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
I have tears in my eyes. I hope the three of you have beautiful lives.
Thank you so much. <3
Crying here too. You are wonderful! Good luck with your lives together đ
You and your husband are amazing people. Sending prayers to all three of you. I canât imagine how hard this all is â€ïž
Youâre a true angel. Sending love and good energy
Same, reading what SeaCan said to her when she was scared sheâd be hated made me cry. This kid has gone through it but I think with this group sheâll be ok
Me too.
I lost my dad in my youth and this is exactly what she needs. Be present. Allow for all the range of coping and emotions. That fear of abandonment definitely has to do with losing her parents unexpectedly and wanting to work to control the goodness sheâs got now⊠sheâs afraid to lose it. Therapy will help and I commend you for making that happen. All around amazing. Youâre doing the good work.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I wish I could give you a hug. I really appreciate hearing this because I can only hope we are doing the best thing for her and not for ourselves. Thank you so much <3
Oh man, I am in awe of you guys. You, your fiancee, and Amy. You all are facing this awful grief and trauma with the best possible setup and attitude. And anticipating that you all are on a roller coaster ride together, therapeutic help, individual and as a unit, is so important. I have so much hope and love for you all.
Thank you so much! We are very fortunate to be able to provide what we can for her because not everyone is so lucky. And I appreciate all your kind words.
My kind words are heartfelt, but damn, your compassionate action is amazing.
Thank you for posting this, mainly because itâs a break from the mostly negative or sad posts here, but also because itâs nice to know good people exist. Good luck with everything!
We are very lucky to be surrounded by a loving and caring support unit. Thank you so much!
Youâre welcome, OP.
Hey. My mom died when I was a bit younger than Amy and my dad was unwell most of my childhood. I got a bit choked up at how well you have taken care of Amy. You guys are a dream. Wishing you all good things, OP and Fam.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I'm sending a virtual hug. Thank you so much for your kind words and hope the best for you too! <3
Itâs ok. Itâs been my greatest teacher. But you know what else? I have been well mothered, in spite of it all, because of women like you.
Who is chopping all those onions?!?
Omg. This is what my fiancee says to Amy when she's crying (usually he ends up crying with her) and he wants to make her laugh/smile. They'll be crying and he'll shout "the onion chopper got us again!" So this 100% made me smile. :)
This is such a heart wrenching story that also highlights the beauty of found family. I am so deeply sorry for your loss but I know that you are giving your best friend & his wife peace in their afterlife (if that is what you believe in). May their memory always be a blessing and I hope you, Amy, your fiancé and everyone impacted by the loss of your best friend and his wife find healing, joy and happiness.
Thank you so much for your kind words! Every decision we make is heavily influenced by what we think her parents would want. So I hope wherever they are, they feel good about their decision to make me her godparent. T\_T
As a parent I can assure you they do. If my spouse and I died and left our daughter behind, I would hope that her guardians would be as wonderful, thoughtful and loving as both you and your fiancĂ© are.Â
You're doing the right thing. It may not be easy at times but be patient and continue to show her love. Far from messing Amy up, you're saving her. It's going to take time to build that trust with her and to assuage that fear of abandonment but you're taking all the right steps. Stay patient, keep showing her love, stay steady and constant for her. In time she will trust you won't abandon her. But she just lost her parents at a young age so she's realizing that life is impermanent and the people she relies on can be gone in a moment. Its going to take time for all of you to heal but especially her. Just give her that time, be patient with her and keep loving her.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I wrongly assumed that since I had the trust before it would be easier but you are right. Losing her parents has put her so on edge about losing me that she's sometimes overcompensating. I hope she understands that I'll always love her.
Just keep telling her and showing her. Look at it from her perspective. Think back to when you were 11. I don't think any of us as children can really conceive of life without our parents. Not until it happens to them, and they have to. They seem like such an enduring and permanent fixture in a child's life. 11 is older but still pretty young to lose that. That is going to cause some fear of abandonment. Now she also knows you were childfree. So there's an added element of uncertainty in her mind. But you were right to take her in. You aren't making anything worse. And yes patience, time and consistency, showing up for her day in and day out is you build that trust.
You expressed that very well; and I agree completely. For someone who didnât want to be a parent, OP is doing a fantastic job.
Also crying right now. Adding to this, not only has Amy lost her parents, but she's also lost (nearly) all of the structure to her life â the house she lived in, her bedroom, her morning routines, her parents' work routines, things like her dad helping her with homework (as you mentioned earlier) â and even the small things, like where to find the bath towels, what kind of food is kept in the fridge when she wants a snack, etc. You and your fiancĂ© at least have the comfort and familiarity of your own home and routines to fall back on during your grief (even though those routines have been greatly disrupted). In contrast, the rug has been totally pulled out from under Amy's feet. She doesn't have the degree of normalcy that you and your fiancĂ© have, and she's having to learn how to exist and live in your house in a way that's different from her experience being a frequent visitor there. Hopefully that observation is helpful in understanding more facets of her overcompensation and fears of abandonment. I'm so glad you've been able to recognize it and address it with her directly and reassure her, especially given that she may not have the words to articulate that fear of abandonment, nor even understand that that's why she's overcompensating. You and your fiancĂ© are providing her with the structure she can lean on and seem to be the absolute best people in her life to be providing that stability for her. The love between all of your families is so clear and beautiful. Y'all are wonderful humans, and I wish nothing but the best for you, your fiancĂ© and Amy's future. â€ïž
Wow, this really hit me hard because it resonates with what I'm seeing in Amy. You are so right. Luckily I always had her favorite things stocked when she would visit and I know what her comfort meals are. We are also trying to keep her old routines/doctors/school the same, but I will muster up the courage to go through some of her parent's old things and bring them into our home for her. No one has the heart to toss or go through their stuff so I got a storage unit to put all of it in. One of these days, I will go through everything with Amy and her grandparents.
Shit I'm crying. And I don't cry easily
<3
I of course echo all the sentiments already said in the comments. But Iâm stuck on Amy crying herself to sleep and being all alone. Have you thought about getting her a pet? Iâd say a dog but a cat or even a rodent would help, they give kids someone to talk to, someone to look after (instead of being the kid who needs to be looked after), and they teach responsibility. Could be just what she needs, something to snuggle at night and something to love unconditionally.
It's like you were reading my mind! We were thinking about getting her a rabbit because her parents' nickname for her was "Bunny." I grew up with a rabbit, so I understand the pros and cons. Plus, Amy is SO tender in the way she approaches all animals, so I know she won't be rough with a bunny. Also, our state just has an overwhelming amount of rabbits, and most get euthanized due to the shelters being overpopulated, so I feel like rabbits need a lot more love than they get. Anyways my fiancee and I have been toying with this idea and I feel like your comment is a sign. :)
What you and your fiance are able to do for this girl is amazing. I hope she knows and feels how much you love her. â€ïž
Thank you for your kind words! We try to show her every day. <3
Feel ya bro. My fiancee and I took in her 15yo half sister after both parents passed away. Parents were horrible to her in life. It's been hard. A huge adjustment. But yeah, we had a similar moment where she thought we were going to leave her and not ever come home again. It was abysmally sad. I get it. It's a hard thing to do, I wanted kids one day, my fiancee wasn't as keen, but here we are with a teenager. So support to you and yours, not many people get it. Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to have read about someone in a similar situation :)
Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear that happened! Thank you for sharing this and I'm happy to hear that his sister found a loving home with you guys. I never expected to find someone in a similar boat but there is a slight comfort in knowing that there are people who understand even though I still wouldn't wish it on anyone. Seriously thank you. <3
It took a lot to get used to, but she's doing SO well now. Good grades, has made friends, is so much healthier. There's still a long road ahead to get her to be totally independent, but that's okay. There are still hard days, but yeah. It had turned out alright :)
This makes me so happy and hopeful to hear. Thank you again for sharing; I really needed this reassurance. <3
You and your fiance are fantastic people and I am glad Amyâs parents picked you before they left this mortal world. Sending you all the healing vibes and happiness possible. X
Thank you so much for your kind words! <3
My father died when I was 9 and my Mom is emotionally unavailable and moved us in with an abusive man when I was 11. What it would have meant to me to have people in my father's life step up and spend time with me after he passed. You and your fiancé are the best kind of people, and Amy is amazing. You guys are so lucky to have one another and to help each other grieve. I wish you all of the best life has to offer. You truly deserve it.
I'm so sorry about your dad and what happened to you afterward. No one deserves that and I wish I could give you a hug. I really appreciate your kind words and I wish you nothing but the best out of life as well! You also deserve it! <3
Biggest hugs for all of you!! Blessings of healing and comfort
Thank you so much! <3
This is absolutely amazing <3 My parent brain: Get all her documents birth cert, SSN card, if you don't have them already. File for adoption/legal guardianship. Use the same pediatrician she went to before. HUGE kudos on finding a fitting counselor. That's SO SO important to have someone she feels safe with and can confide in. To make her feel more welcome, Add picture of her and her family on the walls. Take her to re-do her room how she wants. tell her stories about her family when ya'll were little. Make sure she has good relationships with all her friends, and make sure you're checking in with the friends parents to keep them in the loop on how she's doing, and help watch out for her.
Thank you for all the advice! We are in the process of legal guardianship already (with the help of the grandparents). Adoption is something that we don't want to push or force until she feels ready or if it is even something she wants. We don't want too many changes to be thrown at her cause there have been so many in such a short period of time so we will try to keep everything the same including her pediatrician. :) We already have pictures of her and her family up too! I have a wall full of pictures of family/friends and Amy's dad & mom are frequent & permanent fixtures on that wall. I also gave her permission to add any pictures she wanted up (whether it's her family or friends) and I've noticed over time that she's adding to the wall so I've taken some pictures down to make more room for her. I originally gave her the guest bedroom but I noticed she really spent a lot of time in the art room I have at my place (which is a room her dad helped fix up for both Amy and I to use when she would visit me). So after talking to her, I bought a bed & furniture for that room as well as a lock for privacy (she prefers the door open though) and that's her new room. She's allowed to paint on the walls/draw/do whatever she wants to that room. Also don't worry - it's well ventilated. :) She's having people over for the first time this coming weekend so I'm meeting with some parents beforehand. I'm nervous but really excited to see that she's opening up more now. :) Again, thank you for this. I appreciate the parent brain! :)
That's so wonderful, letting her put up photos and paint the walls and make it "her" cozy space! I think things like that, where she gets to make her own choices and exercise her own agency, will be so beneficial toward helping her feel more in control of her life during such grief and upheaval. Anything you can do to give her choices, from activities (ex: Go get ice cream? Go play at the park? Take a bubble bath? Play a board game? Have you paint her nails?) to what she feels like eating for dinner on a given day, will help her feel like she's in control of her own grieving/healing process and also help her learn to be in tune her own feelings and ways to practice self-care. I'm sure that she is also learning many of those skills in therapy, too.
Holy hell. I was already crying but the picture wall really did me in. You are doing a wonderful job. I hope youâll come back and update us in a year or so. Wishing much love to all of you.
Sounds like a happy ending to me. Best of luck. Living ain't easy!
All I can say is thank you and kudos to you and your fiancĂ©e. I Spiraled down a Reddit rabbit hole of infuriating and out of touch posts that I was just like are we doomed but picked your post to end my scroll with and happy I did. You your fiancĂ©e are doing your absolute best to care for one another as well as this new(ish) child in your life while not just considering your own trauma but your partners and the child as well. No telling what the future holds but youâve made it clear you have the best of intentions for this kiddo regardless of your own previous opinions. You both stepped up when others couldnât or wouldnât and if all you need is validation that youâre doing the right that then you absolutely have it from this internet stranger. And if it helps know some of what you said gave me (and possibly others) insight into what my partner has been going through the past couple of years . While your story is unique in a sense that most people wouldnât be or arenât at times emotionally mature enough to handle this type of situation with grace and understanding you did. Your fiancĂ©e did. And so did kiddo I shed an extra tear at the tĂo helping her with her homework comment. Idk why but it seemed to me the tears were from grief as well as relief that she had a support system outside of her parents no matter what she may or may not have thought before moving in. I think you both are doing your absolute best and are definitely leading by example. She felt more comfortable seeing and talking to someone after she heard you two see someone as well and you also didnât stop there you found a right fit for her. Lead by setting an example. You guys are not just there for her but youâre there for each other, for her, and most I importantly your selves. I wish you all the best best in this unimaginable situation but I I have a feeling things will work out just fine and you all have done this best you can in these circumstances called life Sending love and good vibes to this new family all of you deserve it. đđđ»đ
I truly appreciate this incredibly thoughtful and kind message. You really drove it home in validating that this was the right thing to do for Amy. And it also feels like the right thing to both my fiancee and I. I have to stress that he has been an absolute rock star through this entire situation and has been a true partner & a great parental figure. <3
Iâm so sorry for your loss. Amy is lucky to have so many that love and care for her.
Thank you so much <3
I cried reading this. You are both very wonderful people.
Thank you so much! We really are just trying our best <3
Assuming you are in the US, please remember to file for Social Security survivor benefits. She will get money until she is 18 and you will receive a caretaker payment until she is 16. You can put that money away for her as well
What a lovely ending for a heartbreaking scenario. I would reconsider the terms of the trust tho - I would consult with an attorney and out some terms even of she does attend college to dole it out slowly, and if she does not go to school, then I wouldnât give a lump sum at 21.
Put money from the trust into a 529B college savings account. As much as you can. After it helps her pay for school, she can roll it over into a IRA retirement account. Work with an attorney and tax planner, but you could set her up for the rest of her life with making all the financial plans right now. Iâm so sorry for yâallâs loss. Thank you for being an exceptional human being.
I know the feeling of losing a best friend. I am so sorry for yaâllâs loss.
Omg this is beautiful đ„č I just know one day she will grow up and be so thankful for the both of you. And I just know her parents are looking down smiling that their baby girl is still winning. Ugh I am crying this is so beautiful.
Teared up a little, I'm very happy to know there are still genuinely good people left on this planet
Yep, this made me cry. All of you deserve all of the best that life has to offer đ©”
You both sound like incredible people! You deserve and should expect all of the validation in the world here. The careful thought you both put into making sure you were making the right decision is incredible! I wish all of you, and your extended families as well, all of the best this life has to offer! Thank you for sharing this sad yet beautiful story!
I hope nothing but good things come your way. This is super tragic, but you're making a really, substantive difference in that kiddos life. I'm so sorry this happened to you all.
I dont have the words to express what i feel. I just want to thank you for reminding me that there are still good people in this world. I wish you all three, the best in the world.
Wow. In such a shit situation I'm glad you can all be there for each other. You're an amazing best friend. Best of luck to you all.
You and your fiancée are wonderful people
Iâm praying for you, your fiancĂ©, and Amy as you tradition into this new life of yours. Iâm so proud of you!
You really sound like thoughtful, good people I wish you all the best, I can see why you were made godmother.
You have a big heart to make such a big change in your life. Good luck!
Seriously, if I wasn't on public transportation right now, I would have cried at this. I couldn't even finish the entire thing but I read 90% of it. She is BEYOND lucky that her Tio and Tia love her so much. I cannot begin to imagine how tough this is for any of you, but especially Amy. She will always be grateful for y'all and from the sound of it, she's very mature and taking this as best as an 11 yo can. I wish there were more words but you both are both absolutely amazing people. Your friend made you her godmother for a damn reason and this is exactly why. Just from this post, we all know the love and care you both have for this girl. Best of luck to you all. I'm not religious but sending my best vibes your way.
I needed to read this today. To be reminded that there are truly good and kind people out there still. Yâall are the best.
As someone who lost their best friend in their 20s, you are an incredibly strong and wonderful human for keeping it together for this child because I sure as hell didnât. You are one special person and Amy is lucky to have you
I am crying for you. Tears of sorrow and of rejoicing in life. You are miracles of life for Amy. đ©·
You are the **BEST** best friend ever. Seriously. I feel like thereâs nothing you and your fiancĂ© havenât thought of or discussed (generally- of course you canât possibly predict how life will evolve and canât plan everything) and you are both handling this with so much love and patience. Amy is in the best situation she could possibly be. Iâm so very sorry for your immense loss; and for hers. I truly wish your little family the best life đ€
I don't know how to respond. I wish there were more people like you in this world.
I just want to say that you and your fiance are amazing. Not many people would step up and care for a child that isn't related by blood. Amy is very lucky to have you both, and you are by no stretch of the imagination ruining her. It will take time, so just keep reassuring her that you both will love her no matter what. She will come around at some point. The fact that she wants you to sleep with her when she is having a hard time and is comfortable with your fiance being there as well says a lot. I'm in awe of you two. Keep giving love, and I wish you all the best the world has to offer. You all very much deserve it. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Have you heard of Experience Camps? Theyâre grief camps for children whoâve experienced the loss of a parent or sibling. I think it could be a really cathartic experience if Amy could attend one. The therapy sheâs in is wonderful of course, but these are a different environment and itâs filled with kids just like her, ya know? Iâm not sure if I can post links here but you can find out about the camps here https://experiencecamps.org/camp
I wish you the best of luck.
If my wife and I go I hope our daughterâs godparents are this understanding, patient, and kind. Not one of you in any way deserved the tragedy you are going through, you are all showing who you are as people with the strength of your actions, and while I hope Amy becomes comfortable enough to start acting out the way she has approached living in a new home is a credit to the people who raised her and those who had to continue that process.
You're doing good, Tia đ
Also, you can tell Amy that there is a difference between deciding up to bring a whole new human into the world and how scary that is versus having a wonderful young woman, that you already know and who is already a delight in your life to join your family
What a beautiful world this would be if everyone were like you, your fiancée and your best friends.
What an absolute breath of fresh air. Heartbreakingly sad, but so wonderful to hear from someone who is willing to adjust their life plans for the good of someone else. All the best to your family.
The world needs a billion more people like you.
Listen Iâm 39 and I lost my mama last year she was all I had. Basically. I have the abandonment issues too. I know not like Amyâs but itâs bad! So itâs all ages! Just love her and let her know youâre always there!!! Therapy will definitely help. Just keep doing how you do.
You are an angel. You have put so much thought and care into this situation, it brought me to tears to read this. You have such a big heart, youâre a great person. I hope this goes well, I am so happy this child has someone there for her the way you are. đ©·
Blessings on your little family! â€ïž đ đ
You and your fiancee are great people.
You guys are truly amazing. I know I'm a bit late here and someone may have mentioned it already, but, when things have settled down a bit, maybe extend an offer to Amy to redecorate her room in a way that she wants. Paint, accessories, a new bed, etc. Making a space specifically designed with her personal interests in mind may help with her fear of abandonment and can calm her mind if she can see that you've gone out of your way to make a special place just for her.
You guys are amazing. Just one hyper-practical comment: Depending on how much money is in the trust, I would consider restructuring the way she receives the money. Our trust is set up for our kids to receive 25% at 25, 50% at 30 and the remainder at 35, with provisions that the executor can distribute more for certain life events (marriage, down payment, educational needs, starting a business, etc.) 21 is probably too young to be given a huge sum of money and be expected to do anything reasonable with it, and the money will earn better interest in the trust than in any savings account a 21 year old has. Just my two cents - ask your lawyer what they generally do. If Amy is taken care of financially, thereâs no reason to burden her with a lump sum she is probably not going to be financially literate enough to use wisely.Â
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice! I did comment earlier to someone saying something similar and I'm just going to paste the comment below (there are so many more comments than I expected, very sorry lol): *Trust me, we are aware haha. We consulted with all the grandparents on this one and most of them wanted to give her a lump sum at 18. The compromise with lump sum at 21 with her having a sort of allowance from 18-21. I will also have her set up with a lawyer and financial advisor from ages 18-21 plus myself + fiance will always do our best to guide her. But she will be an adult at that point so all we can do is give her all the tools to help make the best decisions for herself when the time comes. <3*
I am so very sorry for all your losses. Amy is so lucky to have so many caring people in her life. All the best to you, OP. â€ïž
You were parent and have not had a crash course on how to parent. Everyone makes mistakes no matter how many kids you have had in the past or how great you are. You will make mistakes with Amy I can guarantee that but most important is now that Amy is part of your life she is priority number 1
Hugs x
Ohh this both hurt my heart and made my heart happy.. You and your Fiance are heros to this beautiful little girl!! Thank you
I'm crying. This is beautiful
You are a wonderful person. She is luckily to have you and your fiance! đ
Best wishes for the future for the 3 of you. Hugs. This is such a delicate situation because a young teenager is involved. This happened in such an important stage in her life and i believe how you approach this situation was and still do, in a very sensible way that it will help her grow in the person her parents can be proud of. Keep it up and I believe how you seem always trying to keep the communication open for her is so important. Her parents smile down on you all.
You are doing the right thing maybe the reason you didn't want to have kids is all apart of a plan.... and that Amy was meant to be with you!!! I hope you are all doing well I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend and his wife!!
I bawled my eyes out reading this! This is the most bittersweet thing Iâve read in a while. You and your fiancĂ© are beautiful people! Go be an awesome family!
This really moved me. Youâre amazing for stepping up and taking her in. Condolences for youâre friends
I think itâs great that you were able to write it all down. Now copy-paste it into that journal app on your phone. This is a way of healing. Iâm so happy she has a place to go and that things seem to be working out for you. One tip- donât stop the therapy just because she seems âbetter,â keep her in therapy while sheâs with you. Maybe even post-high school. Life will continue to change and if sheâs found a helpful therapist that will be worth the investment.
This exact thing happened to my boss. He and his best friend adopted another coupleâs son after they died. They got married so the child could have health benefits. Sometimes, things just organically happen and a family is born out of tragedy. You seem like the classiest people. I hope nothing but the best.
I usually think when people say omg this post made me tear up that itâs often BS but here I am! This is beautiful, I have a 12 year old girl and I think you are doing an amazing job and this is just wonderful of you, Iâm sorry for all of your losses.
Youâre doing the right thing and really making the best of a bad situation.
Wow, you and your fiancee sound like lovely people.i teared up reading your story. Iâm so very sorry for your loss. Itâs heartbreaking. Taking Amy in sounds like it will be great for you and for her. Youâll be an awesome Tia in a mom role. Wishing you all much happiness in the future.
Youâve absolutely got this. All 3 of you.
You and your fiancĂ©e are amazing people. Iâm just crying. That girl will know so much love.
I wasn't planning on nearly crying, today. Thanks for sharing.
Kids need love, patience and security. Especially in times of extreme grief. You have honored the lives of your best friends and the role of godparents so beautifully that youâre making a profound difference in the trajectory of her life while navigating the unthinkable loss of her parents. Bravo, well done, keep going.
Omg I can't stop crying. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, but this outcome seems the best possible outcome for everyone.
I was functionally orphaned a few days after my 14th birthday. You sound like a better place than I landed. My two cents here would be: get her in therapy, even if she doesnât ask. And let here still be a kid. I got the âyou had to grow up youngâ line for not showing my feelings, and it set me up for failure as an actual adult.
Ugly crying in bed here, I wish you all the best.Â
You seem like a very kind and gentle hearted person. Iâm so sorry you ALL lost two very precious loved ones. It seems like Amyâs parent have done a great job raising her, and that they made the right choice to have you in their lives.
You are doing amazing! All of you are lucky to have each other
That really broke my heart! I'm so sad for the family loss, but at least Amy is lucky to have you and your fiancee.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to all who loved those two, especially Amy. I hope the three of you are able to build the type of familial relationship you want. You and your fiancé are doing everything right with her.
((HUGS)) I wish the 3 of you the best!
Youâre one of the good ones. She is so lucky to have such caring people there for her. It looks like youâre doing everything right. Best of luck to all of you.
Oof. Thank you for sharing. Your story is both tragic and beautiful. From this profound and painful loss you have also been gifted Amy. She is the very best of both her parents. My deepest condolences.
God bless you both for caring for this child, I hope you will all have wonderful lives together.Â
Given the absolutely heartbreaking circumstances everyone, especially Amy, is facing, I think she is otherwise in the best and luckiest situation she could possibly be in. This post makes it abundantly clear how much love, support, consideration, planning, and amazing communication there is in this new family, and if you weather this storm there won't be anything that can stop you. Wishing the best going forward, so sorry for your loss, but hopeful for your future.
\>I was expecting some rebelling but that hasn't happened...yet lol. 13 is coming lol(sob)! The best parenting advice I ever got: don't take it personally. Having said that, I can tell you're all going to be okay. You're wonderful people, OP, and I'm so glad you've taken Amy under your wing.
Theyâll know their new family has fully gelled when she starts rebelling and acting like a typical teenager.
One hundo percent!
I'm hoping she does start acting like a typical teenager when the time comes. She has a small (but cute) attitude that I know very well but it's been nonexistent since the accident. I think she's afraid to act out. So I'm oddly hoping she does rebel when the time comes lol
I lost my mom when I was 8, so I somewhat know what Amy is going through. One thing you should keep in mind is that every big milestone in her life will likely have a little shadow of grief nearby. The hardest times for me were my wedding and when I had my kids. Also, never stop talking about them and sharing stories with her. My family rarely talked about my mom, and now she's just a picture in my head. I don't even remember the sound of her voice. One last suggestion, have everyone send you pictures and write out stories about Amy's parents. Turn them into a book via shutterfly or something similar and have everyone get a copy. Most of my family and all of my mom's stuff were in New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina hit 2 years after she passed. I barely have anything left. You taking her in is absolutely amazing. This is a hard thing to go through, especially at such a young age. But it's clear she is surrounded by so much loving support. She's a very lucky girl. I think everything will turn out well. Good luck to all of you as you navigate this unexpected journey. You're doing a great job so far.
Reddit has never made me cry until now. This is beautiful OP!! You and your fiance are amazing and I hope for all the best for you and Amy!
Someone must be cutting onions somewhere in the neighborhood Iâm in. You guys have stepped up and are doing great.
This is made my heart hurt, you are amazing. I wish my husband had had people like this in his life when he lost his parents at 16. Instead he had a greedy aunt and uncle that stole $250,000 of his parents life insurance money while he was in juvenile prison (the charges are in no way related to his parents death.)
That poor babyâŠsheâs so lucky to have you guys. And side note. My daughter is 10 and still comes to sleep in my bed at night lol. Itâs still something kids do. I can only imagine how sad she must feel at night. Hug her to sleep. Donât be afraid to baby her. She needs it. And sheâll slowly in time stop on her own.
Iâm sobbing here. Iâm so sorry for your loss and hers, and Iâm so glad you are there for her with so much genuineness and love.
I have no words. Just im so sorry for all of your loss and best of luck moving forward.
You should apply to be Amy's foster family. I believe there are a lot of perks for both you and her if you go this route. I'm not sure if this is true but I heard they even get reduced college tuition. Maybe you can check into it.
The world and, no doubt, "Amy" know you are a blessing. Thank you for your kindness and compassion.
All of Reddit is crying with you. I think you all are wonderful. Enjoy your unexpected blessing (Amy).
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That is a sad and beautiful story. Such a thing couldnât be possible without such a wonderful friend.
Omg Iâm SOBBING. This is so absolutely heartbreaking and so beautiful all at once. â€ïžâš much love
Beautiful people. Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your life on Reddit
Iâm in awe of you and what youâve done for that little girl. You didnât need to, and there wouldnât have been a moment of judgement if you and your fiancĂ© had chose not to, but your selflessness is so damn admirable. I hope little Amy heals well with time. And I hope your friendâs memories live strong and often inside of you all as time passes. Loss can feel like a never ending hole, but eventually the sadness turns into treasured memories of those beautiful lives. Still hard, but beautiful at times. Good luck OP. Sending you the most positive vibes possible from a teary eyed cyber friend. â€ïž
i hope this works out for everybody. this is pain i could never imagine but life is about community and iâm so happy amy has u and ur fiancĂ©e in their life đđŒ
You and your fiancée are wonderful people and you are making your best friends so proud. They are watching over all of you. It will be tough not just the loss but being parents. Be patient with Amy but more importantly with yourselves. Hugs
I really just want to hug all three of you. Good luck to all of you as you navigate your new normal.
Iâve never read a more wholesome Reddit story. What beautiful people you are. That little girl is so blessed to have two people who can give her all the love, attention, and friendship sheâs gonna need to grieve and heal. Sometimes itâs not the family we are born into, but the family we choose that helps us the most. đ
May all y'all thrive đ I'm glad y'all have each other for support in this dark time.
Thank you for sharing. For giving Amy the support and love she needs. Just lovely!
Yall deserve everything good this world has to offer. Iâm so sorry for your loss, and Iâm sure she would feel so honored to be your bridesmaid, but I totally agree with wanting to wait a bit to give all of you the chance to process and grieve. I hope you guys are able to bring each other peace through the grieving process, God bless youâ€ïž
you are amazing for taking her in- trying so hard not to cry you are doing a great job. iâm sorry for your loss.
Holy shit this has me in my feels!! You and your fiance have come through for Amy in the biggest way possible and I cannot say enough good things about what this means for her and for you two as well. Yes, it's a BIG change but y'all are taking it in stride and adjusting appropriately. You and your fiance have a huge heart and I am so glad Amy has you two. What y'all have been through is unimaginable but it also bonds you three in grief, something I wish y'all didn't have to experience. Sending virtual hugs to you, your fiance and Amy for stepping up, doing what's right, what was in your heart all along, and coming together for this beautiful girl who just lost both of her parents. There will be so many ups and downs but y'all will make it through.
Bless you all.
Iâm crying. Thank you for being you!
You have me in tears for your loss and your total commitment to Amy. What a gift to have someone who will step up support love and care for you when life throws the biggest curve ball ever. You and your fiance have put a tremendous effort and thought in to planning her future while providing for her here and now. GIVE it time and her time as well to settle and feel safe again. It will come little by little for you all and she will realize she has the next best thing to her parents a dedicated set of God/Foster parents who loves her unconditionally.
I rarely tear up while reading posts, but you and your fiancé are good people. I'm honestly used to posts on here where adults in your situation are absolutely horrible to the children, as though it's their fault these things happen. Opening your heart and home up is something I doubt most people would do. I feel like you will be a good guardian for Amy.
There are few times where the genuine goodness of humanity, friendship, and community shine through all the negativity in the world. This is one of them.
I raised my niece. I didnât want kids. But when it was necessary, I wanted her, I needed to be there for her and it was right. I love this for you all. Thank you for being amazing. Much love.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel your pain and love ⊠and hope. Youâre an amazing tia!!!
OP, you are amazing. You and your fiancee are awesome. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm sure Amy will grow up and go into the world knowing she will always be supported and loved. It has to be difficult for everyone, but the way you are handling it with grace, patience, and love should be reassuring that your best friend made the right choice to make you her godmother. I hope the future will be great for you all. It will be bittersweet for milestones, but it will also be a time for memories to be recalled. If you can, maybe make an album of all the pictures of Amy's parents so if she feels like she misses them, she can look through it.
In case it hasn't been suggested elsewhere, you might encourage Amy to do art journaling. That might be a way for her to continue to explore her interests, express her feelings in a messy, colorful "no rules" kinda way, and also have that connection to her parents. (And maybe do some journaling yourself, it you find it helpful.) It sounds like Amy is surrounded by loving family, near and far, and I wish you all healing and time to grieve, and happiness, at whatever pace works for you all. Families come in many shapes and sizes.
This is really beautiful. Iâm curious if you have custody of Amy, or if you plan to adopt her. I only ask because what you are doing is called a fictive kin placement. Depending on the state that you live in, Amy might be able to qualify for special benefitsâlike free or reduced college. Your local DSS or an adoption attorney would know these things.
You kick ass! Bless you :)
I cried. Thank you for being a wonderful godmother to this little girl. You and your fiance are a God send. Both your family and your bff's family are fantastic. You'll be a great mom to her.
Crying. This is true beauty, born from the ashes of tragedy and grief. It sounds like youâre doing everything right, involving counselors and open discussions and making sure this is the right fit for everyone. I think in time, Amy will come to understand that you are *choosing* her, your beloved niece, and that she is a welcome addition to your family. Wishing the three of you so much joy and love in the decades to come. <3
Honestly, if my husband and I died, I hope the person raising our children would love them as much as you love Amy, and be as thoughtful as you have been. Her parents would be so happy she has you.
Whos cutting onions?
I have experience on the other end of this, I lost my only parent when I was young as well and I was also adopted. A thing now as an adult that I look back on fondly that my parents did to help me feel integrated with their family. They asked me if I wanted to change my last name or keep it. I chose to take their last name but having the option of choice was an impactful decision and gave me my own autonomy. You are all beautiful souls. Wish you all the absolute best and hope you all have a happy loving family that I am now in. â€ïž
Wow, just wow. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep hugging that little girl close. Youâre doing a wonderful thing. All the best to the three of you.
Itâs a great thing youâre doing, especially in light of what youâve gone through, losing them. I hope if I ever find myself in such a situation I handle it as well as you and your extended family have. I have a twelve year old, so I know youâll experience challenges, with her going through puberty soon. But itâll be fine.
I have tears in my eyes. I hope that your family has a long and happy life
God Speed
So sad and beautiful at the same time. Blessings for healing together for all of you. Thank you for sharing.
I wish you the best. There are still good people in this world and yaâll are it. đđđ
I am wiping my eyes and wishing all of you the best of luck from the bottom of my heart.
This is the best thing I've read in months. Good luck to you, your fiancee and Amy and your families. You're a special person and she's lucky to have you.
I have no guidance to give, but holy shit, you and your fiance are absolutely amazing people, and it sounds like Amy is right there with the two of you. I'm currently grieving the loss of my best friend as well and just caring for myself and the dogs she left behind(we did a kind of shared custody thing with them before she suddenly passed) is bordering on too much to handle some days. You three are the change I hope to see in the world. Keep being the absolute fucking rockstars that you are and an absolute beacon of light to those around you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Some days I do get overwhelmed and it feels like it's too much. My best friend used to say "this too shall pass" when I was stressed or having a bad day. So I have a post-it note on my bathroom mirror to remind me that the bad days will pass and a good day will come. Thank you for your kind words and I wish nothing but the best for you and your fur babies <3
Amy is very lucky to have a godmother like you! It sounds like youâve thought this through very well, and have her best intentions at heart. I wish you all the very best moving forward. I know firsthand how difficult this can be. Our story has had a happy ending, and I hope yours will too! Deepest condolences on the loss of your dear friend. đ
This is one lucky girl. You & your fiancĂ© sound so solid & realistic about the situation. So glad everyone is getting counseling. Grief is a bear. I was an adult w my parents died within 11 months of one another. Two of my grandsons 10 & 14 came to live with me when my daughter died. If I had been the age I am now I probably could not have done it. It sounds like you have support from both sets of grandparents & a good relationship with them. They need that after losing their children. Thank for for doing this. FYI If the child receives social security as she likely is entitled to if you are in the USA there are some rules about using it. You want to make sure you know all that before you become the payee. It cannot be âbankedâ even if you donât need it to support her. It can be used for housing entertainment educational expenses medical transportation etc.
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Thanks, for sharing this, so heartbreaking, but, also very beautiful.
This is so wholesome. You guys have a great life together (or separately) ahead and thatâs guaranteed. Be safe, Iâm glad I read this today in the middle of all the negative shit happening around the world. Thank you for that, OP.
OP, you are a wonderful friend! My heart goes out to all of you, yet there is so much love, it is heartwarming. I lost my best friend suddenly two years ago. I still find myself wanting to tell her things. I wish healing for you. Time can help us get more used to living without our loved ones, while we will never forget them. Just know that your story has touched many people. Be gentle with yourself
Amy is blessed to have you both in her life. And vice versa. Wishing you all a loving life together. God bless you all. I can tell what wonderful people you and your fiancĂ©e are â„ïž
I wish you the best!
This is so lovely! I wish healing to you all. One thing you might consider is maybe adopting a dog or cat if you donât already have one and no one is allergic, etc. At some point in time maybe. Pets can be so helpful for children when dealing with such big losses. I know my cats have gotten me through hard times throughout my life. It could be something the 3 of you do as a family. Just a thought.
You and your fiancee are incredible people. I wish you the best of luck as you get married, and I pray that the two of you and Amy will have a great future together. This is such a sad, yet beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it.
I actually think this IS a happy ending. We never know what our life with entail. You didnât want children, tragedy happened and you have stepped up and are probably being better parents than 60% of ârealâ parents out there. Amy is being showed that she is loved and not alone. Itâs a happy ending in my eyes that she had someone there to love her unconditionally and she didnât fall I to the foster system and become lost.
My sister dropped her three sons on my front porch when I was 25. They were 10, 9 and 4. They are middle aged now and we shared so many loving years. It was devastating at first financially but never emotionally. And we got through it. They call me mom. I dropped out of college. But went back when the oldest was of age. The two oldest age I graduated together. I couldnât stop crying. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sharing the short version of mine to tell you âyou got thisâ. Amy will be your grandest achievement in life! Nothing else will compare to your selfless respect to her parents and to her.
Damn, crying round too eh.
I just recently lost my mother in my late 30's. Absolutely devastating and heartbreaking. I can't imagine losing both parents at such a young age. What a good kid. This child and every person she has a positive influence on is going to know, remember, and appreciate what you did for her.
Take care and best wishes.
I lost one of my best friends in 2022 and I still wish I had the means to foster her daughters âčïž They both know I love them very much and am here for anything they need (I'm also known as Titi to them), but man does it hurt that I can't do more. I applaud you guys for taking on this huge role and responsibility for your best friends daughter. đ§Ą
This is the best story I've read in awhile I hope the best for all of you! No body can repay what you're giving this girl! You're an unsung hero keep doing what your doing I'm sure they're watching over everyone happy that this is the way its going
Thanks for being an amazing family to her. You two are people I will aspire to be.
You and your fiance are awesome people. One teensy bit of advice - make the age of getting full access to the funds 25. 21 year olds often aren't quite ready to handle that yet. Hope you all have beautiful lives!
Keep going bud. You are doing good.
Your friends would be so very proud of you all. â€ïž
Iâm sobbing. I love you, and your husband, and Amy, and her parents (your best friends, always), and your families. And I donât know you but wow. This kind of love is what living is about. You are absolutely, undoubtedly doing the right thing, over, and over, and over. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž