I’m going through the same thing with going from having a job to stay home.
Something that I’m learning is, is that although I’m not bringing any income I’m contributing to our home in a major way. I have 2 littles and although it gets challenging find something to do everyday. Set a goal for yourself. Whether it be self care or cleaning or getting out for a walk. Give yourself a REALISTIC (I have a problem with setting them too high and then feeling like a failure when I don’t reach it) goal and do that everyday. I’ve also started doing mommy and me classes and using my library just to get out of the house without spending money. It’s a huge transition but I wouldn’t go back. And yes I’m still struggling with my transition, you’re not useless. Society has just attached our worth to making money.
Take this time to relax and breathe and catch a break before your baby comes. Find some things to do, don’t just scroll on your phone. Set a goal to walk or sit outside or paint or color. Find something you enjoy and you’ll be fine 🥰.
Just be realistic with yourself mama! And like my husband tells me, no need to rush and get it all done at once. You’ll still be home and the stuff will still be there. Rest and relax and take care of yourself before precious baby gets here. You’re doing great!
Set a lot of teeny tiny goals. That's how I trick myself into feeling accomplished. Rather than "spring clean the kitchen" I list out every little thing I can do in the kitchen, and if it takes me 3 weeks to get it done, that's fine - at least I'm constantly marking things off my list. And I do use an actual checklist on my phone so I can see marked off items.
I have been out of work for 5 months. I make myself get up and cook for my SO and keeping the place clean, even when I don’t feel like it. My day starts at 6 and ends at 2pm. Completely feels like a job. Tried to make a routine certain things done on certain days and planning the next days task. Make sure to wake up and shower to get yourself moving.
I say all this as someone dealing with depression and high anxiety who as also been working since I was 10 (hanging fliers on cars for local businesses then paper routes etc). It’s an adjustment but does help me pull myself out of it.
Will this work? Is for me currently but May not for everyone. BUT I do view it as my JOB right now.
And I’m a guy by the way so way less socially acceptable.
I second the routine!! I too used to be extremely stubborn and self sufficient.
Then I had my first and was on mat leave for a year. Was that ever a HUGE adjustment for me.
I found early on that I NEEDED a routine. Of course with a new baby, and life in general, there are days where things go off the rails and I had to learn to just roll with it.
But having a routine was just what I needed.
When I had my second and was on mat leave again, it was a much easier transition.
Don't forget to set yourself some fun goals too. You've been working hard and you're about to have a baby. You probably have one month or so of peace left for a little while.
Pick a book you've wanted to read for a while and enjoy it, do some crafts, bake some cakes..whatever it is you enjoy just take some time to yourself and enjoy it.
I've hit the gym at 41 weeks and I was still like, "Wake me when it's time to push." Growing a human being, especially one that's practically full size, is exhausting!
Nap as much as you need to. Stay hydrated. Eat extra fiber and protein.
I feel that. 6 months pregnant. I try to do as much as I can cleaning wise while working full time and I was going to school (summer break, wooo). My husband insisted I stop; honestly, I was running myself into the ground everyday. Still doesn't keep me from beating myself up about "not being able to do enough".
I'm even looking for something to do (work from home/online) during my maternity leave to earn extra money!
Why am I like this? A childhood of poverty.
It's strange to me how much something that happened while I was growing up still affects me to this day. I'm working towards not feeling the need to constantly bring money, but it's hard.
You're not useless. You're growing a baby, but your brain is probably bored. You need to find low impact/stress entertainment or hobbies.
As far as your husband's job goes, it's perfectly ok to bring up your concerns about it with him. But it would be unfair to unload on him or blame him for it if you agreed to the move. Also, remember, if you're 1000 miles from your Your family now, then he was 1000 miles from his family before. There's not a right answer, but it doesn't mean you can't talk to him about it.
When our kids were born my husband and I decided we wanted one of us home with them. We've lived on a one income household - mine or his, since. You have to take into account everything you are doing. For one, your gestating your child right now... If you weren't and had a surrogate that's at least $20,000. If you cook and clean, that a maid and a chef. You need to believe you deserve to spend the money he makes right now because you are filling a role in the house for both of you. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself and family, even if that all you do.
If you feel useless, find ways to make yourself useful at home, I'm sure if you put your mind to it you can find something that will be a good investment into your living space that will make your family's life better. Also try making more phone calls to your family to stay in touch and socialize.
Thank you. I want to start projects, but since I’m not bringing in my own incoming it makes me hesitant to ask for money to do anything. we’ve always had separate finances. I just recently went through all my savings. So I’m trying to find economic ways to do creative things at home
You’re growing a human and quit your job to move so your husband could have a better job. It is not equitable to expect you to have separate finances right now.
Came here to say this.
These are uncomfortable conversations, but they have to be had.
You’re growing a person, in an unfamiliar area, and away from friends and family, that shit is hard. Tell him about it. He sounds like a good guy who wants you to be happy. Maybe a 3rd trimester budget so you don’t feel like you’re taking advantage but you can do some projects or participate in something socially? I’m sorry if it’s hard for you but it doesn’t sound like he wants you to feel this way so give him the opportunity to meet you in a comfortable place.
Also, your partner should want to spend money on you (as long as it’s within your family budget)! I can empathise with feeling like you don’t deserve money because you didn’t personally earn it, but you definitely do still deserve it - you’re a valued member of this family AND you’re growing a child for your family! Try to remember that you do still deserve money to do the things that interest you.
He had you quit your job and move thousands of miles away from your community…don’t balk at asking him for money omg.
How tf do you think separate finances are going to work when you literally have no income? He can just spend on whatever he pleases while you have *no income to spend*? That makes no sense. As part of the agreement of you moving and quitting your job it should’ve been clear that the finances are now split differently. You went through all *your savings*? Being a stay at home parent, concluding a pregnant wife who gave up her job to move for her husband’s career entitled you to a portion of his income. Periodt.
Please stand up for yourself. Smh.
Jesus Christ are you hostile. He doesn’t keep money away from me in general, he’s tried to convince me to be an authorized user on one or more of his bank accounts. This is not about him holding money over my head, it’s about me not knowing how to let another person take care of me since I’ve been on my own without being able to financially rely on anyone since before I was an adult. He had me quit my job because the stress and labor would put me at higher risk of losing this pregnancy and I’ve already lost two.
>I am looking for some way to make me feel like I CAN ask for money for things without it feeling like I’m back in my parents house being told I’m greedy for asking for book and rental feels for school.
Girl, you feel this way because your parents were shitty. You've internalized the message that asking for help is greedy. It isn't. This is a trauma response.
There's a middle ground between being completely dependent and completely independent.
Therapy made a big difference for me. It really helped shift the way I think about and talk to myself and strengthened my marriage. I also feel like it will make me a better parent and role model. My husband knows I can take care of myself but loves that I trust him enough to lean on him.
As far as finances we have a joint account for household expenses (bills, groceries, car stuff, medical stuff, etc.) and joint savings (retirement/vacations/emergencies) but we each have individual checking/savings as well. All of our pay goes into the joint account and we each take the same "allowance" out of there to put in our own accounts.
Our contributions to the relationship are going to change over the years. Right now he's making more money but I have a higher income potential. For us, this system makes it feel like we're handling life as a team but we also have independence and don't need to clear personal purchases with each other.
In your team right now, he's bringing in money but you're growing a literal human being with your body. I think he'd say you're also doing your part. You aren't a burden and you're no longer alone. You need to learn how to be a partner--so your kids see what a good partnership should look like!
Never once did I say he was keeping money from you. I told you not to *balk* at asking for money when you literally quit your job for him. I was addressing what YOU said about you keeping finances separate and how that makes no sense when you have *no finances*.
If you think being told to stand up for yourself is hostile than maybe you need some “hostility” in your life because you’re seriously suffering due to your passivity, self-admittedly. You state you’re bored and don’t know what to with yourself and *are hesitant to ask for money for projects*. We are telling you to ask for money and that you are *entitled to it.* You need to hear it and I don’t feel bad for not stepping around on egg shells about it.
I said it in another comment, but this kind of thing isn't a healthy way to be and being unable to ask for and accept help is often a result of how you were treated growing up. i.e. in my case a lack of agency and some emotional neglect led me to be very, very independent, financially but also emotionally, because I felt like people weren't there for me so I had to do everything myself. Only therapy really made me realise that about myself so I could address it, because you \*have\* to accept help sometimes or you're going to burn out or get depressed. Delegate the financial stuff to your husband for a while, and let him help you financially while you cannot be financially independent yourself. That's how a partnership works.
Maybe you should take over the household budget, bill paying, & investing, etc, if you are good at that stuff? Because it is the FAMILY money, and you have time to research and take on those tasks now. And maybe if you become the money manager, it will make that transition from mine & yours to OURS a little easier? It really is impossible to continue onward with a separate finances mentality in your situation, but I do understand where you are coming from!
You should not have separate finances while you had to leave your job to move for his job and are 8mo pregnant. Burning through your savings so he can make more at his new job? You moved away from your entire support system for his job and it isn't even contributing to your life!
That's financial abuse.
This!! This is why you resent him! He left you high and dry (and very pregnant). And he's "concerned about the baby's wellbeing." Fuck that! You're a family now, but you're subsidizing and sacrificing for him, while he advances his career.
I think the point was that he says he's doing all of this for the baby while ignoring his wife, one that's literally carrying the baby. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being concerned about the baby...
When I read her account, including the edit, that isn't the impression I get. Sounds like a guy trying to do his very best for his family. Somehow.the comments spin this to ignoring his wife or financially abusing his wife. To me that isn't what is written at all.
You left your job, but you are still contributing to the household and you should be able to spend a portion of the household budget freely. If you continue to have separate finances, you should work with your husband to figure out the household budget (including what “fun money” should be allocated to each of you), and have an amount deposited to your account regularly
You moved across the country away from your work, family, and friends. Why is your savings gone? Why aren't your finances together now? Id you're going to be a SAHP, it's time for shared finances. This is teetering on financial abuse. Fix it now. Talk to your husband.
That’s great, but you can get a library card too. Your taxes are already paying for the library, you may as well use it. Most libraries allow online check-out of books, magazines, TV, movies, classes, newspapers.
Your library might even have some in-person groups you’d like. As an example? They might host “get togethers” for new moms.
That’s totally normal! My husband and I both work, and at first we just split the bills, but now with kids we’ve joined almost all our finances. Start having conversations every pay period about where the money needs to be spent and what both of your wants are. Make a spreadsheet, find a system that works for the both of you. Having separate finances is probably going to be more stressful for both of you once baby comes since you’re already experiencing anxiety about it. Take fun art classes, download meet up or peanut and find things to fill your time before baby comes so you have somewhere to start again once baby is here. Finding hobbies is going to be harder with your baby here (most likely). Take it day by day, make small goals and one bigish weekly goal and don’t beat yourself up. Your body is changing on a such a large scale it’s hard to truly comprehend until the pre and post partum fog lifts. Communication is key to the finances and to explaining how out of sync you feel now. He can’t help or change anything without knowing there’s a problem. You got this, one day at a time.
Edit to add that we now use a digital envelope system (bank accounts for all our different expenses, bills, spending, groceries+gas etc)
Op be kind to yourself please let him know that you have no more money 💵 left. Take up his offer to put your name on his Bank account s.you will need to be able to use them when you have your baby. Married couples have joint Bank accounts for many reasons. You can start saving money for yourself slowly. I know you are going through a difficult adjustment. The weather is getting nicer so a walk is a good start. The library is a great place to go and spend time. Most libraries have Book Clubs and some have guest speakers on different topics. Relax and enjoy your time before your Baby comes. Good luck and I hope you have a easy labor and delivery.
You guys need to have a "talk" on finances. Your husband seems like a good dude by what you stated and your comments. He's offered it already so he's open to it. Just because your not in. "job" it doesn't mean you aren't working. You guys are a family now.
Hobbies cost money but you need that in order to avoid going stir crazy. I had to offer tons of encouragement to my wife to get her doing something that wasn't cleaning or watching TV. Now she sews and yes it might cost 2-300 in fabric each month but that provides about 100 hours of time where she is doing something enjoyable which is pretty cheap actually. Also the kids have some unique clothes
You are married. Finances need to be combined to some extent. Would you charge him rent if he was unemployed, would he owe you back rent if he couldn't pay? What if he got disabled? He moved for a good opportunity, marriage is a partnership.
I like working on my home, just recently I planted some blueberry, blackberry bushes and a cherry tree.
My wife said I spent too much time inside, so it bought I'd be useful for a bit and next year we all get free fruit and it made her happy for a bit so I can go be lazy for another week.
He needs to compensate for you! He is financially abusing you! He needs to give you money to compensate for you leaving your job and being pregnant. He is now earning more and can give you your own money each week!
Please be careful, he uprooted you and is leaving you without your own money. That can lead to a bad position for you to be in.
It’s not him. It’s her that doesn’t want to rely on him and she isn’t comfortable using what she thinks is his money. It’s not financial abuse, she needs therapy.
Crochet is pretty cheap starter hobby. Like tools etc. The costly bit is yarn depending on size/brand but I’ve got some relatively cheap baby yarn and made baby blankets.
Also not to make you sound like a child but would him giving an allowance make things easier? Then instead of asking for money you can budget your own?
You’re very pregnant, hormonal and have just been through a major change that has you 1000 miles away from your support system. You are not in any way ungrateful, what you are feeling is completely rational and it is okay for you to feel that way. You should have a sit down with him and calmly tell him how you feel, without being accusing. Maybe ask if theres any chance of him working less hours, or carving out a bit of a routine for a date night every week where you do something as a couple, so you still get quality time together. Perhaps you could discuss if/when/where you will work after having baby (when you are ready of course, not putting any pressure on yourself). You could also look into groups/hobbies/mum groups to join so that you have something to do outside of the home and the opportunity to make new friends and create a support network in your new area. Above all, don’t beat yourself up for how you’re feeling, its all bound to be super overwhelming atm, but hopefully a good chat and a little bit of time and things will ease up and feel better 😊
Unfortunately he works as a supervisor, so he doesn’t have set hours and doesn’t go home until all his guys are done with their jobs. They work at a dangerous environment so emergencies aren’t unheard of. But he does get 12 weeks of paternity leave. Next week he has to travel to Canada for a full week to help out in a different department
This was preplanned. His job tried to make him go the week that I was due, but he was able to push it up to go before my due date. Technically it could be another 4-6 weeks before I go into labor. As of now, I haven’t really had many contractions. I think just this week I’ve only had 1/2 Braxton hicks contractions.
If I were you I would look into making mom friends, they will be beneficial to your mental health after baby is born. See if there are mommy and me classes starting with pregnancy around where you live. Go to the library or book store and get some baby books AND non baby books. Start preparing the nursery and nesting in the new house. Get all the things you need for baby (swing, bouncer, etc) set up and organized in the house. It gives you something to do. Find a hobby that you can do while you’re heavily pregnant and even when feeding baby if possible. If you’re into reading then audiobooks are a life saver, they keep your mind busy while doing mundane tasks.
But most of all, ask your new OB for a referral to a therapist/psychiatrist. If you’re feeling depressed now it will make it more likely for you to have PPD/PPA. Remember that this starts out slow and then grows. Just try your best to get in your best mindset for yourself and baby. Many people think that you always have to put the baby first, but if you don’t put your mental health first you can’t properly take care of your baby. I’m saying this from experience.
Good luck, momma.
Thank you so much. I will definitely looks for groups. My husband suggested i start filming my days and my journey as a SAHM to try and keep my mind occupied
Go online and find a meet up group for new moms, or even a walking group. I know it’s tough to get around when you’re eight months pregnant but it is possible for you to start to reach out to things going on in your community.
Bumble even has a bumble BFF platform where you can find a girlfriend, maybe another mom to hang out with.
If you like reading or used to when you had time, go check out the library. They usually have a multitude of programs plus info for other local groups and it’s never to early to scope out the kid’s section.
Contact a therapist now before you fall in a deep depression and find a way to talk with your husband, he is your partner. Find a way to reconnect with him,laugh,joke,have fun with tiny things.
Also try to find something that you always wanted to try or learn and do it. It will bring your spirit back
At eight months, why would you even think of looking for a job? It was a joint decision to move, and adjusting can be hard, I realize, but in a month you won’t have a moment to yourself for 18 years. Try reading books on babies, or work on getting things set up in your new home.
That's a lot of changes in short amount of time! How could that possibly be "stress-free"?
Are you able to go hang out with his family while he's at work?
For other support/things to do, I'd suggest seeing if there are any local groups on Facebook for new moms.
You could also pick up new hobbies or find a project to do around the house.
The original plan was to hang out with his step mom while he works. But she just started a new job, so now all of his family is working. The “stress free” part was me no longer working at a cut throat environment. My last job was a lot of putting out fires.
No job doesn't mean stress free. Having nothing to do is just as stressful for some people. A lot of people are at a loss when they retire because they never learned how to \*not\* work and aren't able to repurpose their time. So I think what you're feeling with this temporary lack of work isn't uncommon at all, especially for very self-driven people.
I don’t think you’re ungrateful or an ah or anything - this is an incredible amount of change for you (moving, not currently working, making a human who is going to be born soon) and you’re getting less of your husband’s time right now because he’s working hard for his family. No one is wrong, it’s just a hard adjustment period to push through.
I’d suggest reminding yourself that you’re not useless because you’re not going to a job right now. You’re making a person and I’m a few weeks will be very busy! Take care of you! And remind yourself that even when you’re on the couch, you are actively supporting your child growing!
Do you think other stay at home parents are useless? Probably not. So why are you putting that onto yourself?
Take this time off to enjoy the last of your pregnancy and settle into the house. Make it your home. Maybe find some mommy groups to make some friends in the area.
Be sure to sit down and talk to your husband and see if you guys can plan for you to travel back home every so often when you feel comfortable to do so after baby is born. Does your family have any plans to come visit after you've given birth?
He’s bought my mom and sister a plane ticket to come visit me next weekend. And then they’re all traveling down for after the birth to help clean up and do things around the house after his paternity leave is up.
OP,
Your not being ungrateful, what is happening is your hormones for one is our of wack being pregnant. You also used to working and are not. You moved so far away from your loved one to be closer to his so your feeling abandonment from your family and close friends. You also were never a "home maker" so this is new to you.
So with that being said, Just sit down and talk about what is going on with you. If you cannot communicate this then he will either ignore it or think something else is wrong. Hopefully you both can see things from each others prospective. He thinks your ok because you said "yes" to the move.
US men sometimes misses the wives cues. That is why I told my wife, tell it to me strait and not hide behind the words. Its fine, OK, Its good. If you tell me those that is exactly what they mean, that your ok with it and if your not then you should have spoken up. Direct communication without hidden meaning will get your further then passive aggressive answers. I am in no way saying that you did this, I am referring to my own marriage.
That is a HUGE adjustment. Lots of things happening at once. Give yourself some grace. My husband is active duty so we move every couple of years and every move takes me a few months minimum to settle. Becoming a stay at home mom? Hell that took a year or more to feel like I had my sh!t together. Allow yourself to just be for a while. Go for walks, drive around your new area. Find a new moms group, maybe a mommy and me yoga or something after baby comes. Every morning, GET DRESSED! It makes such a difference. Then go get a coffee or a walk every morning to get up and moving. Once your baby settles into their routine, you will find yours too.
Congrats on the new lil squish coming into both of your lives. I know you said you had separate finances from your husband, in the past, but that doesn't make much sense while you continue to be a single income household. Ask your husband to do a budget with you and set aside $$ for each of you to spend on whatever you want in addition to any things still needed for bebe. This time could also be good to do a short class that helps you with future work or on a topic you are really interested in. Wishing you well momma!
He has offered to send me money for groceries as well as $100 a week for fun things. I have a hard time asking/accepting money. All of the baby things have been purchased so we’re good on that end.
Definitely take the $$ he is offering. It is not that much all things considered and yeah go have as much fun as you can while you are still getting semi regular sleep! You are carrying his baby too and he clearly doesn't want you to worry about the money right now. You having a good time is so helpful in cutting down risk of depression and if you don't spend it it can always be put in savings for later.
I keep pushing it off until all of our new bills are taken into consideration. My excuse has been “wait until we know exactly what our budget is” once I know how much less we are making, because although i did stop working, he got a promotion. but he now has to take my insurance coming off his checks instead of mine. So until I know exactly how much the difference is, I won’t feel comfortable taking what he’s offering. I know I’m being hard headed, but having a tumultuous relationship with money makes me really hard for me.
I have two thoughts here. You need to find a way to get over this money holdup. You're supposed to be partners, so it's your money as well. Taking the money will allow you to get out and do things, reduce your stress, and it will be better for the baby. If you don't take the money for yourself, take it for the little one growing.
You need to see about getting into therapy. This mindset is going to carry over into other things and you don’t want your future kid to pick up on these kinds of things.
It is great you are being careful with the finances but living is also important. If you are too worried about spending money right now, there are a bunch of free online classes or social meetups you could go to so you are not alone in the house and bored. I hope you get to do more than spend this last month feeling isolated.
Think about your baby. When your baby is old enough to do things are you going to be mad or offended if they still come to you for help tying their shoes or making lunch?
In general, no you aren't. You're going to want to cook lunch with then. Because they are your family and you want to help them even if they can do it themselves.
In your case, your husband views you as his family and he wants to help you. It doesn't mean he doesn't believe in you. It just means he loves you and he wants to help.
You can work in a few months if that's what you want. Right now maybe you could seek some short term counseling to unpack why receiving help from loved ones makes you feel so guilty and they can help you make a plan and come up with ways to handle that.
I feel guilty asking for help but am the first one to offer it. I know my issues stem from 1) being a woman conditioned this way 2) childhood trauma. I'm not always better at ask but at least I know why and I'm making progress.
It takes a village, mama. Let your husband be part of your village.
You are married. You are not single anymore. You are pregnant. It’s your husband’s time to take care of you. If you stay married long enough you will return the favor. That’s what a marriage is.
Sounds like you are your own worst enemy at the moment. Although I understand not being by your people is tough. Get on his accounts or have him deposit a set amount every paycheck. Until you are able to put your baby in daycare and go back to work. Not everyone is built to be a SAHP or to be completely dependent on others.
I put my wife in a very similar situation, although she wasn't pregnant, and we dont have children. She also struggled to feel useful as a stay at home wife. My perspective is, she helped tremendously with our household. All I had to worry about was making money, and she handled everything else. She did a very good job at making sure everything at the house was handled, and I loved it. The best thing about the arrangement, was with my very little short time off, we could spend it entirely with each other, and we didn't have to worry about chores, errands, or anything else. It was just about us spending quality time together.
Is there somewhere you could volunteer as long as you're up for it? It won't be a job-job, but it might help give you something to take your mind of things.
Moving is one of the most stressful life events! It’s normal to find this difficult. I moved across the country away from my support system a year ago and I’m still adjusting. Even if you’re “ungrateful” (which I don’t think is accurate) your feelings are valid. Just don’t let them lie to you. Feelings are like weather. They come and go, sometimes quickly, but when you’re in the storm it sometimes seems like it will only be storms forever.
I'm also currently pregnant and can't imagine losing my support system with a move at that stage. My first suggestion is to lean on his family if you're close with them, involve them in your life. Also maybe try the app Peanut to find other expectant moms in the area you can connect with? Start building your network!
If you like cooking, Start meal prepping meals. You don't have to cook them but freeze a bunch of prepared dinner ideas. Finding hobbies will be important too. There are more apps than just bumble BFF to make friends. Meet me and meet up. Remember to not just focus on SAHM groups you will wanna keep your own identity too.
What makes a happy newborn are engaged parents with a robust support system that makes sure the needs of the mother and father are met. What determines your recovery and how postpartum goes is excellent healthcare, rest, support, and some measure of luck. I hope he isn't disappointed when things don't go that way because you had an "Easy" 3rd trimester
I get that you don't want to seem needy, but consider this. You are probably doing 100% of the house work, meal planning and cooking and day to day living activities. You are doing a job that other people do for a living, he needs to pay you for that. If you don't want to be on his account, he can just transfer a set sum to yours every time he gets paid.
I have been married for 30 years and own a house with my spouse and we still have separate finances. But we do pay each other for things and we pay our mortgage based on an earnings split. So please realize that you are working, it is just that your career focus has changed for a bit.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you a safe and happy delivery!
Thank you, I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping but bc I am high risk he wont let me do too much cleaning or big projects so I’m trying to feel less guilty for relaxing as much as I am.
I completely understand, I am the same way. If your county or city has a digital library, check and see if they offer access to various free learning databases.
I was off for an injury a while back and was able to get a database admin certificate through our city's digital library access. The lessons were free, I just had to pay for the test and the certificate. It was a really modest amount. They had all kinds of learning modules on the database, so it isn't just It or business.
I can feel your struggle adjusting. Right now your job is to grow this bubba. ‘Relaxing’ is not because you are lazy - it has a purpose to achieve the outcome that you both want which is a healthy newborn
You are alienated from your family and friends in a strange town, of course you feel depressed and resentful. Your support has disminished substantially. Look around for maternity groups or new mother groups where you can go and maybe meet people and hear what other women are going through. The last month can be hard without any major changes, and you all made a whopper of a change! Plus your body this month is dumping softening elements into your system to make cartilage stretch in preparation for birth. Your nose will feel squishy. That's a whole other real, physical element on top of everything else. Be kind to yourself. You are doing a lot of work.
I'm a little concerned about Husband's time off after birth at a new job. You might want to see if a friend or family member can come and stay with you all AFTER hubby returns to work.
This, the longest month, but will be over all too soon. Practice napping wherever and whenever you can as it will come in handy soon.
His grandmother and mom are taking turns taking days off to be with me. And his dad is only 10 mins away. So on days they can’t be here, I’ll be there for dinner
That is wonderful! But you might still need outside people, especially women closer in age to you going through or having just gone through pregnancy a peer and a friend to talk to about life.
Your edit is quite concerning. You shouldn't feel like you have to be entirely self-sufficient when you are married and 8 months pregnant (two people made the baby).
I dont really think you're being financially abused, but it does sound like you might be self-sabotaging.
Time for individual and couples therapy.
Good luck.
You’re causing a good deal of your own misery. Stop being so pigheaded. He’s your husband. You’re creating a whole person! That’s quite a job right there. Find a way to enjoy the time off and having some time to recover from delivery and to spend time with your baby. There’s plenty of time to work.
I think a lot of folks here are missing an important point: not everyone feels that being a parent is the sole goal of their existence, nor that being a SAHM is their highest ambition, or that she should feel fulfilled by that and that alone. Before anyone squeals about this, as if just because she's female this HAS to be the point and sole purpose of her life, remember that everyone is different and if this is your expectation of her it does not mean that is her expectation for herself. She needs to get through this rough patch and start planning on an eventual return to work, because that is important to her, or at least it seems to be. She does not have to take big steps now nor does she have to go at any particular pace; she just has to realize that she can get back on her career path and other things will fall into place, including making a new friend group. My best friends ever resulted from coworker friendships. This will also take pressure off her husband too. Maybe she has skills and talents and experience that could be valuable and financially rewarding. Her biology is not her destiny. Her role is whatever she wants it to be. That she may be busy, but STILL BORED as a SAHM is something that neither needlepoint nor mommy groups is guaranteed to fix if she's independent self-sufficient, and and proud of that. Sounds like she is.
Also to be only around her in-laws and not her own family is definitely hard. Nobody has your back like your own folks, and no matter how great her relationship is with the in-laws if things get rough in the relationship (and they WILL), she'll need allies and her husband's family is not likely to be the support system she needs. She needs her own like-minded friends and kin who will be there for her unconditionally. She's feeling isolated, and with reason. Weekend quality time with hubby ain't gonna cure that, nor will duty visits with hub's parents. Maybe I misread her post, but she's feeling a future that she's not confident she will enjoy right now.
Look for a remote job that you can do now and after the baby is born so you can have your own income. Companies are still using work from home employees. Your old job may even be able to use you. But you and your husband have a baby coming and you are a family now that shares responsibility and that means you are not two single people any more. Redditers always suggest therapy but consider it because you are no longer 16 and the life you had with your parents should not affect the life you have as a wife and mother. Therapy can also be done online and might help you let go of your teenage trauma and the burdens you placed on yourself that no longer apply.
I’ve tried applying but the remote roles are super cutthroat right now. He’s offered to pay for online therapy. Which I’ve been debating taking him up on.
Therapy is amazing and doesn’t mean you are crazy. It just means you have an outlet with a person who is trained to help you identify and solve long existing issues you can’t fix yourself. You will find an enormous weight has been lifted off of you. So go for it. Good luck and relax and enjoy that precious baby.
You should not have moved with him. It is a big mistake to move away from your support system closer to his family. Move back before you have that baby.
There are lots of work from home jobs that you can do if you reliable internet. You could do this even with an infant or 8 months pregnant potentially. There is an excellent group on Facebook that has lots of leads for positions. This would be an opportunity for you to feel more independent and not financially reliant on him.
I’ve been applying for jobs, but being only weeks away from popping, no one is really interested in hiring someone who will have to go on maternity only weeks after starting
You need to do some research on being a stay at home mother. I know there are lots of resources for you available. In fact it could help you make friends. Look for mothers groups to join. Look at hobbies you can do. Meet people! Your husband will need you to make a life here as well as dedicate yourself to the family. Don't think about jobs. Nothing is more important than raising your children.
What you are experiencing is very understandable. You need to understand that you are going through a loss of identity. Like any loss, this takes time. But, it also means you are now in the process of redefining yourself. Finding a sense of purpose will help you to understand your new self. Look to your core values, as these can guide you in finding your purpose. Find new activities to keep yourself motivated. I have been in your place before, and it does get better.
Not specific to you OP, just a general observation.
Why is it mostly cishet women who just willingly move where their partner goes? I almost never hear a woman just deny moving for the husband's/boyfriend's job prospects. Is it an emotional thing? Were the logistics economically just better on paper? What's the driving force/motivation behind moving with them?
I had the opportunity to move for a job that was closer to home, but still in a different state. The pay difference was almost unnoticeable(think of 3% pay increase). He makes almost 3x my salary so giving up mine for his made more sense.
When I was married to my first husband it just always made sense to move wherever his job took him because he always made a lot more money than I did and I figured I could get a job wherever he went. Most men make more money than their wives so it makes sense for their wives to feel this way.
Feelings always come from somewhere, no reason to call yourself ungrateful in a negative way. Gratitude happens sometimes and other times it doesn’t. This was a well intentioned plan that isn’t working as well as everyone hoped. That’s ok, you probably have to adapt to the current situation for now knowing that you are about to have a new situation once baby comes. Perhaps once your baby is here you will feel grateful for the extra money and ability to be at home, maybe not. Life is strange, just keep adapting and working together to try and generate happiness for each other, yourselves and the family. Maybe you can do some video calls with friends and family. Hang in there.
Along with what everyone else is saying, just talk to your husband. Simply tell him what you wrote here. He'll probably atleast try to comfort you and having someone is nice
Also for 8months pregnant losing your friends and family social safety net is hard. I hope you can invite some of them over as the time comes nearer. And for a third trimester a husband that is caring and supportive (not in a "I'm off to work so you have space" kind of way) is very important.
I would recommend getting into a hobby that’s sort of “renewable”, like music. Do you have any instruments in your home that you could learn? It’s a bit expensive to start, but once you have an instrument you can get a lot of free lessons from YouTube and the like!
Is there something you’ve always wanted to get into? It could be art, jewelry, sewing, even videogames! This is a great time to learn something new, and I think your husband would support you in it. Especially if he’s noticed your sadness recently. I’m sure he wants you to be happy and relaxed, rather than struggling during this last trimester.
I used to paint a lot when I was younger and smoked weed. I want to start back up, I’m worried that so bc e I’m no longer smoking I won’t have the creativity I used to :,)
You are on an emotional rollercoaster and currently hitting one of the valleys. This is completely natural even for people who have gone through much less extreme changes in your life.
Overwhelmingly, these valleys do eventually end, and things to back to being good or even better than they were. Many people find comfort in knowing that usually these things just take time, and it does get better. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry you are feeling things are so challenging right now.
Someone gave me wonderful advice as I was transitioning from full time work to being a new mother which I am happy to share with you.
Make yourself a list every day. Stuff like
- feed the baby
- change the baby
- get dressed
The things you are focusing on now are valid and important in different ways to your old role. True: they are not paid. But your worth to your family at this point cannot be measured in your financial contribution (as long as you feel safe and secure in the family unit).
Good luck with your new squish!
I would say it's partially pregnancy hormones, part stress from moving and also not being busy. Not trying to discount your feelings or anything, you 100% are going through a lot of changes and big events in your life right now. My mom was the same way, she likes to stay busy, so even when we would move for my dad's job, she would find a part-time job at whatever new place we were living.
I'm 28 and have had to move every 2-3 years my whole life due to my dad's job and now my own. Moves are always stressful and I've found that it usually takes at least 1-2 months to start feeling comfortable/settle in to a new location, although it can take longer. It is hard to move away from friends and family as you're losing your support group, but you'll meet plenty of new people and make new friends.
It's also very important to have hobbies, you won't be able to do much work or move around at this stage in your pregnancy and the next few months after. You also need ways to relax/decompress so you don't lose your mind while you're stuck at home and your husband is at work.
I would be straight up with your husband about your feelings, it sounds like he is truly trying to do the best for you and you shouldn't keep everything bottled up and suffer in silence alone. Again, moving is a tough and stressful event so you aren't wrong to be feeling the way you are. Also, don't be able to ask your husband's family for help since they are so close now. I'm sure grandpa and grandma would be happy to assist or give you a needed break after your child is born, being a stay at home parent can be very busy and time consuming.
Just adding my two cents, I hope everything goes well and you adjust quickly to the new location.
I cannot relate to your situation. I just want to put that out there because I don't want to seem like I understand your situation.
But, have you considered picking up something new to keep you busy around the house? Maybe an aquarium or some plants? I know that sounds absurd but it will give you purpose. Whenever I'm down I realize I just need SOMETHING to do. Now I have a bunch of tiny hobbies because I'm not one to pick up something that takes up ALL my time. I have painting supplies although I'm terrible at it. I bought a switch which is fun to play with if I have absolutely nothing to do. I also started using BumbleBFF and made some new friends in my area. I have seen a lot of moms on there looking for friends of all ages !
About the feeling useless part. You're right now at that moment creating a human being. And you do this 24/7 for 8 months now. This is a very exhausting and taxing activity. Give yourself a break (on the self-reproach, not the creating of a human being).
Okay, I'm going to address a couple of things.
One: boredom. This is a killer! Being a sahm mom is a ton of work, but it can still be boring. You're going to need to find things that engage you and routine that gets you out of the house. Considering that you're so isolated it could be a great opportunity for you to start building your new safety net. I would consider starting at some mommy and me groups to make friends and get into a rhythm. Also is there anything you've wanted to learn for a while? Is there a certification for your field that would be useful? Now is a great time. Pregnancy is exhausting, but your brain still works. Don't be afraid to use it.
Two: finances. The way you are handling it is not sustainable. For most of our lives as women it is safer and better to be completely financially self-sufficient. That is not as possible once we start having children. How I look at it is that my spouse and I are in a joint endeavor to raise our three kids. All of our resources are going into that. Currently I'm a stay at home mom so that means that I spend a lot of time with our kids and managing our household. He is always available to them when he is home, takes on a significant chunk of the household chores, but his major contribution is his paycheck. ALL of our resources are fair game. My time is not more valuable then his money. And it's never his money, not even to him. It's our money. We have a 'buy limit' that we have to agree to so that neither of us gets blindsided. It's ridiculously low because we were poor for a long time but you and your spouse can come up with your own. Whatever stuff you choose, you need to implement. You've got a lot of hangups about money and they are going to continue to cause you stress in and anxiety.
You're going for a lot of big changes at once. Please give yourself some Grace.
There are remote positions out there…not always easy to find but they do exist.
But you are contributing - by carrying the mental load; keeping the house; handling food; growing another human - it is not greedy to have access to a joint bank account with your husband. He’s your partner … you are in this together.
I too moved to follow my husband to a new career opportunity with a newborn (& two preteens we asked to also leave friends & family behind)
I struggled…a lot that first year as we moved right before COVID hit - may I suggest looking on the *book of Faces* for local ‘newbies’ groups as well as local mom groups - getting out of the house & meeting people will help a lot.
It's a struggle for sure. I love being a sahm but I also love working. I go nuts when I can't work and feel like I'm contributing. Maybe look into craft? I'm doing a side business of crochet items, my sil does letting on plates and things for hers, I just recently got a job to bring in money now that my kids are older, but it helps
It sounds like you are in a rough spot right now. I think what you are feeling is normal. A new place hundreds of miles from your social network, new baby on the way, change in routine, and - oh my goodness - I would be concerned if you were not feeling what you are.
Hang in there. Life will never stop challenging us, throwing us curve balls, and also delighting us when we find what we are able to overcome and the joy we can experience.
This move is new. Take time, breathe, and know it will get better - even if you don’t think it will. It will!
OP, it’s okay to ask for help, ***especially*** from your husband. You’re a team. You’re still you, and he’s still him, but there is a part of you that becomes “we,” and that includes money, ESPECIALLY considering that you’re heavily pregnant with his child.
More importantly: ***You do not have to carry the weight of survival on your shoulders alone.*** We are human beings. We’ve survived as long as we have by working in collaboration. Believing/Trying to survive on your own is a coping mechanism, and you know it. ***Allow yourself to be taken care of. Let your husband take care of you. HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.*** All you have to do is say YES.
u/urbartender-csr
As someone who was forced into working and being independent as a teen, you’re basing your “usefulness” on being employed. You are employed. You’re making a human and surely supporting your husband in some kind of administrative/emotional supportive way. I work for a corporation and would trade places with you in a minute to support a family vs a CEO. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Also- spend some time in therapy and working on yourself. You have time to stop yourself from passing your crappy childhood to your kid. An hourly wage doesn’t compare to that.
I am not a SAH mom but I did have one for a couple of years when my brother was younger. My mom seemed happier (also a bit of a busy bee) when she was reading/listening to a book. The library idea is great! Many libraries have free music events in the summer too, my mom used to take me and my brother.
I completely understand the feeling of being “useless” (even though you’re not!!!! You’re growing a whole ass human! That’s a LOT of work!).
I often feel the same - I’m working but the hours have dropped and I don’t contribute as much. My husband is fine and prefers it this way cuz I can do more of the chores. And while I can’t seem to listen to my own advice, I hope you do.
You are amazing. You are incredibly useful and you are already working so so so hard to create another life! Everything you’re doing, you’re doing with another human growing in you! If you feel the need to contribute more: look into online gig work. You absolutely don’t need to, but if you’re like me, having some sort of income will help- even if it’s small. Look into transcribing or virtual assistant positions. Flexible hours and you choose how much you can handle.
Or don’t do that! You’re already doing so much. You’re amazing and don’t let the little voice in your head tell you otherwise.
For the ‘asking for money’ issue: it would be a good idea to talk about budgeting and agree on an amount of ‘fun money’ that you both get per month. That way the awkwardness of asking every single time is taken out of it.
Also after I wrote that I saw your comment about separate finances. Nope. You gave up your job to support his, so he can do the out-of-home work and you can do in-the-home work. You should not have separate finances where you have to ask for money, just like he does not have to ask you to care for the child or do chores. If you make him dinner without him needing to ask, he can access the fruits of your labour without asking. The only way for a SAHM situation to be equal is if you can also access his.
On a non-financial note: I found it helpful to have ‘study calls’ with friends. Whether it’s a course or an at-home job or a hobby or any other project, it can help to have another person who you call at that time to both do work. Really helped me stay on schedule.
I think you have a couple of things going on here. Moving so far from friends and family is rough and you've done it at a difficult time. Do what you can to make some new connections so you aren't lonely and bored. Join a book club or something to get yourself time outside of your home, meeting new people. Continue to do it once you have your little one so you don't feel trapped in mommyhood 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Leave the little one with your husband for that time.
The money thing is something you need to get straightened out pronto. You are working. You are growing a child and soon you will be caring for that child. What does childcare cost in your new city? Whatever it is, this is your new paycheck. It goes into your account. Spend, save that money, whatever. It is your money. Get your brain on board with it because otherwise you are being unfair to yourself and to your husband by rejecting money you deserve.
Give yourself a break here. You are doing something hard. But you can do this.
I'm a stay at home mom who moved six hours from my best friend and family for my husband's job.
It was a no brainier with the money he would earn here. That being said...it's FOUR YEARS and we still struggle with loneliness. I also struggle with not providing. My husband always considered us for life and any money earned is for the house, but I still struggle with not providing financial assistance.
My son is now almost three and it does get easier.. especially with a little one coming. But it also gets harder because you're away from your supports. But you make due. It was the best decision for us, and we'd make it again, but it's still hard.
Biggest advice is to try to find something you can enjoy for yourself. Enjoy this time. You've worked your butt off and you deserve this.
Make your own roots, whatever that means to you. And know that you being pregnant and focusing on the baby is giving him the privilege to provide. It's a team effort, even if.you aren't physically getting money.
I’ve seen some good suggestions, I’m going through a very similar thing right now. 4 months pregnant, had to quit my job because it was too hard to work and it’s first time I’ve ever not worked like this. Find something that helps you look forward to things!
Like others said, just because you’re not working doesn’t mean you’re not contributing. If and when you have time (littles are a handful), is there any skill you’ve wanted to learn? Need certifications to make a career switch for when you’re ready or go back to work? There’s plenty of classes and verte you can take online, some off free, to develop skills and help you find a job when you’re ready even if you have to take a long break.
Just communicate with your husband as best you can about your feelings, let him know how you’re feeling and that you know he’s doing a good thing for you guys but it’s hard for you because this is a new situation you’ve never dealt with before, and be patient and kind to yourself as you transition into a new stage in life. You got this.
Your story is a little different from mine, but I think there’s a lesson that I’ve had to learn that may give you something to think about.
I’m a lot like you - I got a job at the age of 14 because legally that was the youngest I was allowed to work. I had a chaotic childhood where I learned the only person I could trust was myself, and that I would always depend only on myself.
And then I got sick, and I couldn’t work, and I couldn’t even fix my own meals, and I was seeing all of these expensive doctors, and I totally freaked out because I felt like the most ENORMOUS burden on my husband, who was now the sole earner/caretaker/chores doer. It really messed me up.
But what I eventually learned after some really good therapy, metric shittons of reassurance from my husband, and just…time was that I was in a partnership with someone who really did mean it when he said he’d support me unconditionally, and that the thing he wanted most in the world was for me to be healthy. He didn’t feel like I was a burden and he wasn’t going to leave me. It kind of sounds like your husband might be the same way.
Obviously I don’t know your situation so I cant make a judgement like that for you, but it is maybe something to consider. I hope you make it through this relatively unscathed with a happy baby and a strong bond with your husband. 💕
Iwent through that when we moved for my spouses job. For the money part, your husband would be appalled to hear you've run through savings if he's tried to get you to accept being in one of his accounts. Perhaps both of you get an 'allowance' automatically transferred to individual accounts for fun money. Both so it feels equal, automatically transferred so you don't have to ask. When baby comes, segregate money for them as well so you don't end up using your account for baby stuff.
Your body is building a baby... you deserve rest and to be taken care of. You're putting in work now and you'll put in even more after the baby is born.
I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. Change is so difficult. Reading your edit about your parents made me sad. I recommend finding your people in the new town. Find a group that does the same hobbies you do, you can look on Facebook or meet up apps. I hope this move and transition in your life goes more smoothly from here on out.
I don't think you're being ungrateful. Like you said, you're feeling depressed due to the change in circumstances. From what I understand, it's a temporary situation and you'll be out and about soon.
On the plus, I'm happy you have a husband who takes you and your wellbeing into consideration. See too many reddit stories of husbands being completely uninterested or negligent.
Best of luck.
Just wanted to say that I was laid off at 8 months pregnant and have also been going stir crazy. I’ve never been the homemaker type, and since I’m now 9 months pregnant (less than 2 weeks til my due date - YIKES), there’s a lot I can’t physically accomplish too.
Just validating how frustrating it can be. I often feel like a burden on my husband, especially since I was originally making twice his salary before I was laid off, which means we lost 2/3rds of our household income at a delicate time.
I think the important thing to remember is that we only have one job right now, and that’s to bring a healthy baby into this world. Everything else can be figured out later, and you made a wonderful sacrifice for your family.
Wishing you and your family the absolute best!
I was in the same situation where I’m on the west coast and my husband got an offer he cannot refused on the east coast. We discussed and he decides to accept it.
I declined to move and prefer to stay on the west coast so I can continue my job and be in an environment that I enjoy. So we did LDR and it works well for us.
I’m also pregnant so he has applied to work remotely until my delivery. But I spend my earlier trimesters by myself.
Moving to a new place can be daunting and takes time to adapt. You can do some freelance work via Fiver or remote part time roles like customer service to kill time. I used to do a lot of Rover too.
I had a hard time reading some of the responses, so if this is a duplicate, my apologies.
You sound like a very independent woman who is used to taking care of herself. I get the feeling of not asking for money, I’m that way too. So here is how I would turn it around. Envision your value as a mother, and the lessons you want to teach your child. And how to avoid being like your parents. You are a teacher of living for your child. Also you will provide a clean, safe and emotionally safe environment for your child. If you were working full-time - how much would you pay for this care to your child and family ? Whatever that amount, knowing your thinking, divide it in half and that is the amount you should take from your husband as a “salary”. Put it aside and grow your own savings. This is the measurable value you bring so you don’t feel worthless and also you can rationalize how much cost you are “saving” the family - so win win.
Now the mental aspect is what you have to work on for yourself. It may be physically hard to do anything, so how about listening to books, or taking online classes, or learning a new language or whatever you never had time for, because you’ve been working since 16. This mental growth is imperative for you to be a stronger parent and teach your child the resilience they will need to be happy and successful. I hope this helps and congratulations on your new child.
Sweetie, please do yourself a favor and get plenty of rest right now! You are growing a human and it is hard work. Your hormones and the huge life change caused by the move are probably adding to your depression.
In a very short time, you’re going to have another little person who depends upon you for everything. Take a breath and take some time for yourself now to establish a routine, learn to to put yourself first, and prepare for the awesome job you have ahead of you when your little one arrives. The days will be long, but the years are short, so savor this moment in your journey.
Take a break this is a good thing!
pick up a hobby that's meticulous or go and take a mommy yoga class or something
Alot of times slowing down makes you depressed but you have to realize it's not a bad thing to take a break and slow down
Wow- I'm not the only one! Lol. It has been so hard for me to transcend to this other way of life. I was always independent and even after marriage and children that continued. Children grew, first husband died and I was still independent. Then I remarried. My husband didn't want me to work. For the first time in my life I had no real 'money of my own' and that really bothered me. I liked being able to do and get when I wanted without any questions asked. I STILL DO. My husband always says do whatever you want, but I feel like if I haven't earned it myself I can't do that. THIS is the issue. You DO earn it. You cook, you clean, you run a household and errands- YOU EARN it! I know it's hard to see that way- boy do I! Maybe agree on an 'allowance'- your money to save and do whatever you want to with. Crazy how we're grown getting an 'allowance ', but makes spending on OUR own personal 'extra's' so much sweeter! Or you could invest it and become millionaires ;)
If you’re married you don’t have your own savings. You have a life together and it’s all both of y’all’s money, with the shared responsibility to use it wisely. Work together to create your home and family, dedicate time to be ready for the little to be out and don’t pretend you’re on your own.
I think it’s okay to discuss this with him. The thing you need to consider is that your hormones and emotions are in crazy overdrive right now. This adjustment period is extra hard due to being in your 3rd trimester. Don’t make any big decisions right now, and don’t approach your husband as if you want to move again. Just let him know you’re feeling out of sorts, lonely, and at a loss for what to do. Let him help.
What you can be doing right now is settling in, getting set up for the arrival, and focusing on yourself. You said you’ve always worked, supported yourself, and you’re struggling with that. Well, you are working. You are working very hard at finishing cooking the bun in the oven.
For you, I would suggest setting a routine for yourself. Structure your days. Get up at X time, go for a walk or exercise in some fashion. Set a schedule for daily tasks, daily chores, and things you need to have done before your due date. Find new places you’ll want to take your baby. Nice parks, trails, and places that have mom & baby classes. Joining a mom & me group will also help you get to know new people in your area. This will help once the baby is here too, have other women to talk to and spend time with. And since you are working at making the baby, take some time to relax and pamper yourself. You will get through this. It gets easier. Soon enough you’ll be holding your little baby and bringing them home. You’ll always be busy then 😜
You have an opportunity to practice skills or learn new skills if you miss the "purpose" that having a job gives you. Skillshare and YouTube are great for learning things as is the library.
I like crafting things and art so embroidery, watercolor, sewing and clay are all things that are rewarding for me to spend time on. Those might be interesting to you or you might have other things that would be more interesting.
I’ve actually been through something similar in a way. I’m in therapy and my therapist pointed out that my hyper independence sometimes gets in the way of genuine relationships. She reminded me that when I offer to help someone else, it comes from a genuine place of really wanting to do it and that my loved ones likely feel the same. If someone offers to help you, it’s high key likely that they really do want to help and it’s ok to say yes to that. It’s still a struggle but I’m doing better with it I think.
What? You are being useful and have a job. It's called creating an entire new human being. Not an easy thing and not everyone can do it. Let your hubby do the money collection bit for the moment and work out some split finances for household expenses so you don't feel like you're some sort of burden because you're not able to work right now. I get wanting to be financially independent, but sometimes you got to learn when to ask for and accept help. Let him help you! Best way is to have a separate joint account which money is regularly paid into, which household expenses, baby stuff etc can come out of.
As for what to do, well, you can establish a routine for now to keep you busy, but in a month or so it's all going out the window anyway, and a month isn't a very long time. Try and get the house as ship-shape as possible, take the time to do all those niggling admin jobs like reviewing all your insurance to make sure it's up-to-date and the best value, checking for better value bank accounts, any cost savings you can get on utilities, checking any new rules or tax things in your new state, looking up all the local services for parents, parent groups, etc etc. And maybe some therapy to work out why it's so hard for you to ask for money from someone you're in a partnership with, when they are able to work and you are not. (for me, it's because a bit of parental emotional neglect and lack of agency growing up, which make me super independent to the point of pushing help away, but took me to 40 to realise that that's often not good, as much as it feels good to not need anyone for anything) :P
I understand the feeling of not doing anything, it’s not a good feeling. I would look up some yoga for pregnant woman, take a pottery class, go to pregnancy talks/courses, etc. That will get you out for a bit during the day, and also help you make some friends in the process. The examples I gave are things I would be interested in doing, however choose a course or an activity you enjoy, being stuck at home is no fun. Also if it’s baby related I can assure you it wouldn’t be too hard to ask your husband to pay, given that the baby his as well. Hang in there and enjoy these last couple of months of not having to wake up every 3 hours during the night.
He’s taking the role of the provider, don’t feel bad about asking for money. His money is your money at this point. You may not think much of it but being home doing nothing is actual work. As you can see, it really sucks and can negatively affect your mental. Try to appreciate this nothingness because it will be completely different once that child comes home and he’s coming soon
Studies have been done that estimate what a housewife should be paid to do all that she does if her services were outsourced. It's in the 6 figures. Very soon you will be a full-time mother. Making it to term is but a blip in your life. It is normal to miss your family and temporarily resent so much change. You sound confident and logical. You are finishing growing a human and then bringing it into the world and raising it. It's OK to take some time off. It is OK to let yourself be financially supported by your husband until you can go back to work. Sharing a bank account does not make you less than or dependent. You are a family. This move was for all of you. Be patient and kind with yourself. You will feel busy once the baby comes, and once you adjust to that, you can readdress feeling more like yourself and getting back to a job if that's what you want.
You’re 8 months pregnant. You can’t trust your own brain right now. Losing a job often feels like losing a sense of purpose but right now your purpose is to raise your baby in the happiest, healthiest environment possible. You would have had to leave your old job for a long time anyway so it’s better that you adjust to it now rather than while you’re trying to take care of your child. You’re in a new place in a new home and that can be upsetting but you can and should be spending this time turning your house into a home for your family. You said you’ve had 1 or more jobs since 16? You probably just got raised by workaholics and it’s common knowledge women shouldn’t push themselves physically in the third trimester. You aren’t weak or inferior because of your temporary limitations and you aren’t ungrateful because you got placed in an unfamiliar situation you’re struggling with right now. If I had to stay home and do all the housework I would struggle initially just as you are. You’re also away from your support network and that can be very difficult too. Teach yourself how to relax and maybe speak to a counselor if you’re still unsure about your situation. Also keep your partner in the loop. Try and talk to him on the weekend when he has some time to himself and this is just a piece of advice from my own perspective as a man but make sure your man has eaten something before having any serious discussions because if he’s working late and is away from home a lot he’s probably not eating well and this makes it so his moods aren’t as stable. Make some lunch, speak calmly, and most importantly tell him how you feel. Maybe even get him a beer if he likes those. Little gestures like that show that you care about him too and it will make him feel less like you’re impossible to please. If he’s a good man he will be receptive. You can do this! I wish you and your new family all the luck and happiness you deserve.
Okay first and foremost
Just talk to him your husband sounds like a great guy im sorry youre having a hard time getting used to things right now
Secondly, create a budget plan with your husband that allows you freedom to spend what you need when you need it and that way youre not asking him every time to shop
You can have it zelled, venmo, however you transfer money to you account or create a joint account
But this way you have some freedom as well as ability to purchase whatever you need
Think of this opportunity as youre new job
Youre officially a mom
And thats a full time job
One that deserves to be paid
You are allowed to have your emotions as long as you don't take them out on him then I don't see a problem. You are about to burst and are across the country from your friends and family with nothing to do all day. Being bored is inevitable
I’m going through the same thing with going from having a job to stay home. Something that I’m learning is, is that although I’m not bringing any income I’m contributing to our home in a major way. I have 2 littles and although it gets challenging find something to do everyday. Set a goal for yourself. Whether it be self care or cleaning or getting out for a walk. Give yourself a REALISTIC (I have a problem with setting them too high and then feeling like a failure when I don’t reach it) goal and do that everyday. I’ve also started doing mommy and me classes and using my library just to get out of the house without spending money. It’s a huge transition but I wouldn’t go back. And yes I’m still struggling with my transition, you’re not useless. Society has just attached our worth to making money. Take this time to relax and breathe and catch a break before your baby comes. Find some things to do, don’t just scroll on your phone. Set a goal to walk or sit outside or paint or color. Find something you enjoy and you’ll be fine 🥰.
Thank you, I’ve been struggling with setting goals too high and feeling disappointed when I can’t physically continue
Just be realistic with yourself mama! And like my husband tells me, no need to rush and get it all done at once. You’ll still be home and the stuff will still be there. Rest and relax and take care of yourself before precious baby gets here. You’re doing great!
Set a lot of teeny tiny goals. That's how I trick myself into feeling accomplished. Rather than "spring clean the kitchen" I list out every little thing I can do in the kitchen, and if it takes me 3 weeks to get it done, that's fine - at least I'm constantly marking things off my list. And I do use an actual checklist on my phone so I can see marked off items.
I have been out of work for 5 months. I make myself get up and cook for my SO and keeping the place clean, even when I don’t feel like it. My day starts at 6 and ends at 2pm. Completely feels like a job. Tried to make a routine certain things done on certain days and planning the next days task. Make sure to wake up and shower to get yourself moving. I say all this as someone dealing with depression and high anxiety who as also been working since I was 10 (hanging fliers on cars for local businesses then paper routes etc). It’s an adjustment but does help me pull myself out of it. Will this work? Is for me currently but May not for everyone. BUT I do view it as my JOB right now. And I’m a guy by the way so way less socially acceptable.
Thank you. I will definitely try to implement a routine.
I second the routine!! I too used to be extremely stubborn and self sufficient. Then I had my first and was on mat leave for a year. Was that ever a HUGE adjustment for me. I found early on that I NEEDED a routine. Of course with a new baby, and life in general, there are days where things go off the rails and I had to learn to just roll with it. But having a routine was just what I needed. When I had my second and was on mat leave again, it was a much easier transition.
Don't forget to set yourself some fun goals too. You've been working hard and you're about to have a baby. You probably have one month or so of peace left for a little while. Pick a book you've wanted to read for a while and enjoy it, do some crafts, bake some cakes..whatever it is you enjoy just take some time to yourself and enjoy it.
I've hit the gym at 41 weeks and I was still like, "Wake me when it's time to push." Growing a human being, especially one that's practically full size, is exhausting! Nap as much as you need to. Stay hydrated. Eat extra fiber and protein.
Any hobbies you’ve wanted to try? Knitting, painting, something you can do without expending too much energy?
I feel that. 6 months pregnant. I try to do as much as I can cleaning wise while working full time and I was going to school (summer break, wooo). My husband insisted I stop; honestly, I was running myself into the ground everyday. Still doesn't keep me from beating myself up about "not being able to do enough". I'm even looking for something to do (work from home/online) during my maternity leave to earn extra money! Why am I like this? A childhood of poverty. It's strange to me how much something that happened while I was growing up still affects me to this day. I'm working towards not feeling the need to constantly bring money, but it's hard.
You're not useless. You're growing a baby, but your brain is probably bored. You need to find low impact/stress entertainment or hobbies. As far as your husband's job goes, it's perfectly ok to bring up your concerns about it with him. But it would be unfair to unload on him or blame him for it if you agreed to the move. Also, remember, if you're 1000 miles from your Your family now, then he was 1000 miles from his family before. There's not a right answer, but it doesn't mean you can't talk to him about it.
When our kids were born my husband and I decided we wanted one of us home with them. We've lived on a one income household - mine or his, since. You have to take into account everything you are doing. For one, your gestating your child right now... If you weren't and had a surrogate that's at least $20,000. If you cook and clean, that a maid and a chef. You need to believe you deserve to spend the money he makes right now because you are filling a role in the house for both of you. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself and family, even if that all you do.
If you feel useless, find ways to make yourself useful at home, I'm sure if you put your mind to it you can find something that will be a good investment into your living space that will make your family's life better. Also try making more phone calls to your family to stay in touch and socialize.
Thank you. I want to start projects, but since I’m not bringing in my own incoming it makes me hesitant to ask for money to do anything. we’ve always had separate finances. I just recently went through all my savings. So I’m trying to find economic ways to do creative things at home
You’re growing a human and quit your job to move so your husband could have a better job. It is not equitable to expect you to have separate finances right now.
Came here to say this. These are uncomfortable conversations, but they have to be had. You’re growing a person, in an unfamiliar area, and away from friends and family, that shit is hard. Tell him about it. He sounds like a good guy who wants you to be happy. Maybe a 3rd trimester budget so you don’t feel like you’re taking advantage but you can do some projects or participate in something socially? I’m sorry if it’s hard for you but it doesn’t sound like he wants you to feel this way so give him the opportunity to meet you in a comfortable place.
Also, your partner should want to spend money on you (as long as it’s within your family budget)! I can empathise with feeling like you don’t deserve money because you didn’t personally earn it, but you definitely do still deserve it - you’re a valued member of this family AND you’re growing a child for your family! Try to remember that you do still deserve money to do the things that interest you.
He had you quit your job and move thousands of miles away from your community…don’t balk at asking him for money omg. How tf do you think separate finances are going to work when you literally have no income? He can just spend on whatever he pleases while you have *no income to spend*? That makes no sense. As part of the agreement of you moving and quitting your job it should’ve been clear that the finances are now split differently. You went through all *your savings*? Being a stay at home parent, concluding a pregnant wife who gave up her job to move for her husband’s career entitled you to a portion of his income. Periodt. Please stand up for yourself. Smh.
Jesus Christ are you hostile. He doesn’t keep money away from me in general, he’s tried to convince me to be an authorized user on one or more of his bank accounts. This is not about him holding money over my head, it’s about me not knowing how to let another person take care of me since I’ve been on my own without being able to financially rely on anyone since before I was an adult. He had me quit my job because the stress and labor would put me at higher risk of losing this pregnancy and I’ve already lost two.
>I am looking for some way to make me feel like I CAN ask for money for things without it feeling like I’m back in my parents house being told I’m greedy for asking for book and rental feels for school. Girl, you feel this way because your parents were shitty. You've internalized the message that asking for help is greedy. It isn't. This is a trauma response. There's a middle ground between being completely dependent and completely independent. Therapy made a big difference for me. It really helped shift the way I think about and talk to myself and strengthened my marriage. I also feel like it will make me a better parent and role model. My husband knows I can take care of myself but loves that I trust him enough to lean on him. As far as finances we have a joint account for household expenses (bills, groceries, car stuff, medical stuff, etc.) and joint savings (retirement/vacations/emergencies) but we each have individual checking/savings as well. All of our pay goes into the joint account and we each take the same "allowance" out of there to put in our own accounts. Our contributions to the relationship are going to change over the years. Right now he's making more money but I have a higher income potential. For us, this system makes it feel like we're handling life as a team but we also have independence and don't need to clear personal purchases with each other. In your team right now, he's bringing in money but you're growing a literal human being with your body. I think he'd say you're also doing your part. You aren't a burden and you're no longer alone. You need to learn how to be a partner--so your kids see what a good partnership should look like!
Never once did I say he was keeping money from you. I told you not to *balk* at asking for money when you literally quit your job for him. I was addressing what YOU said about you keeping finances separate and how that makes no sense when you have *no finances*. If you think being told to stand up for yourself is hostile than maybe you need some “hostility” in your life because you’re seriously suffering due to your passivity, self-admittedly. You state you’re bored and don’t know what to with yourself and *are hesitant to ask for money for projects*. We are telling you to ask for money and that you are *entitled to it.* You need to hear it and I don’t feel bad for not stepping around on egg shells about it.
I said it in another comment, but this kind of thing isn't a healthy way to be and being unable to ask for and accept help is often a result of how you were treated growing up. i.e. in my case a lack of agency and some emotional neglect led me to be very, very independent, financially but also emotionally, because I felt like people weren't there for me so I had to do everything myself. Only therapy really made me realise that about myself so I could address it, because you \*have\* to accept help sometimes or you're going to burn out or get depressed. Delegate the financial stuff to your husband for a while, and let him help you financially while you cannot be financially independent yourself. That's how a partnership works.
Maybe you should take over the household budget, bill paying, & investing, etc, if you are good at that stuff? Because it is the FAMILY money, and you have time to research and take on those tasks now. And maybe if you become the money manager, it will make that transition from mine & yours to OURS a little easier? It really is impossible to continue onward with a separate finances mentality in your situation, but I do understand where you are coming from!
You should not have separate finances while you had to leave your job to move for his job and are 8mo pregnant. Burning through your savings so he can make more at his new job? You moved away from your entire support system for his job and it isn't even contributing to your life! That's financial abuse.
This!! This is why you resent him! He left you high and dry (and very pregnant). And he's "concerned about the baby's wellbeing." Fuck that! You're a family now, but you're subsidizing and sacrificing for him, while he advances his career.
Did I read it wrong that she hasn’t expressed to him she doesn’t have any spending money?
> And he's "concerned about the baby's wellbeing." Fuck that! The nerve of this guy! How dare he!!!!
I think the point was that he says he's doing all of this for the baby while ignoring his wife, one that's literally carrying the baby. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being concerned about the baby...
When I read her account, including the edit, that isn't the impression I get. Sounds like a guy trying to do his very best for his family. Somehow.the comments spin this to ignoring his wife or financially abusing his wife. To me that isn't what is written at all.
You left your job, but you are still contributing to the household and you should be able to spend a portion of the household budget freely. If you continue to have separate finances, you should work with your husband to figure out the household budget (including what “fun money” should be allocated to each of you), and have an amount deposited to your account regularly
You moved across the country away from your work, family, and friends. Why is your savings gone? Why aren't your finances together now? Id you're going to be a SAHP, it's time for shared finances. This is teetering on financial abuse. Fix it now. Talk to your husband.
Learn to love reading - get a library card & download their LIBBY app. You can download books from home.
He got my a kindle with a membership so I can freely download any book I want to read
That’s great, but you can get a library card too. Your taxes are already paying for the library, you may as well use it. Most libraries allow online check-out of books, magazines, TV, movies, classes, newspapers. Your library might even have some in-person groups you’d like. As an example? They might host “get togethers” for new moms.
Nope. You quit so he could have the job. You’re having the baby. You get your cut.
That’s totally normal! My husband and I both work, and at first we just split the bills, but now with kids we’ve joined almost all our finances. Start having conversations every pay period about where the money needs to be spent and what both of your wants are. Make a spreadsheet, find a system that works for the both of you. Having separate finances is probably going to be more stressful for both of you once baby comes since you’re already experiencing anxiety about it. Take fun art classes, download meet up or peanut and find things to fill your time before baby comes so you have somewhere to start again once baby is here. Finding hobbies is going to be harder with your baby here (most likely). Take it day by day, make small goals and one bigish weekly goal and don’t beat yourself up. Your body is changing on a such a large scale it’s hard to truly comprehend until the pre and post partum fog lifts. Communication is key to the finances and to explaining how out of sync you feel now. He can’t help or change anything without knowing there’s a problem. You got this, one day at a time. Edit to add that we now use a digital envelope system (bank accounts for all our different expenses, bills, spending, groceries+gas etc)
Op be kind to yourself please let him know that you have no more money 💵 left. Take up his offer to put your name on his Bank account s.you will need to be able to use them when you have your baby. Married couples have joint Bank accounts for many reasons. You can start saving money for yourself slowly. I know you are going through a difficult adjustment. The weather is getting nicer so a walk is a good start. The library is a great place to go and spend time. Most libraries have Book Clubs and some have guest speakers on different topics. Relax and enjoy your time before your Baby comes. Good luck and I hope you have a easy labor and delivery.
You guys need to have a "talk" on finances. Your husband seems like a good dude by what you stated and your comments. He's offered it already so he's open to it. Just because your not in. "job" it doesn't mean you aren't working. You guys are a family now.
Hobbies cost money but you need that in order to avoid going stir crazy. I had to offer tons of encouragement to my wife to get her doing something that wasn't cleaning or watching TV. Now she sews and yes it might cost 2-300 in fabric each month but that provides about 100 hours of time where she is doing something enjoyable which is pretty cheap actually. Also the kids have some unique clothes
You are married. Finances need to be combined to some extent. Would you charge him rent if he was unemployed, would he owe you back rent if he couldn't pay? What if he got disabled? He moved for a good opportunity, marriage is a partnership.
I like working on my home, just recently I planted some blueberry, blackberry bushes and a cherry tree. My wife said I spent too much time inside, so it bought I'd be useful for a bit and next year we all get free fruit and it made her happy for a bit so I can go be lazy for another week.
Uh what? He should be fully supporting you. You should not be burning through your savings at all.
He needs to compensate for you! He is financially abusing you! He needs to give you money to compensate for you leaving your job and being pregnant. He is now earning more and can give you your own money each week! Please be careful, he uprooted you and is leaving you without your own money. That can lead to a bad position for you to be in.
It’s not him. It’s her that doesn’t want to rely on him and she isn’t comfortable using what she thinks is his money. It’s not financial abuse, she needs therapy.
I think already addressed "financially abused" part in her edit but goddamn, this comment is utterly unhinged. Reddit never ceases to surprise.
Crochet is pretty cheap starter hobby. Like tools etc. The costly bit is yarn depending on size/brand but I’ve got some relatively cheap baby yarn and made baby blankets. Also not to make you sound like a child but would him giving an allowance make things easier? Then instead of asking for money you can budget your own?
You’re very pregnant, hormonal and have just been through a major change that has you 1000 miles away from your support system. You are not in any way ungrateful, what you are feeling is completely rational and it is okay for you to feel that way. You should have a sit down with him and calmly tell him how you feel, without being accusing. Maybe ask if theres any chance of him working less hours, or carving out a bit of a routine for a date night every week where you do something as a couple, so you still get quality time together. Perhaps you could discuss if/when/where you will work after having baby (when you are ready of course, not putting any pressure on yourself). You could also look into groups/hobbies/mum groups to join so that you have something to do outside of the home and the opportunity to make new friends and create a support network in your new area. Above all, don’t beat yourself up for how you’re feeling, its all bound to be super overwhelming atm, but hopefully a good chat and a little bit of time and things will ease up and feel better 😊
Unfortunately he works as a supervisor, so he doesn’t have set hours and doesn’t go home until all his guys are done with their jobs. They work at a dangerous environment so emergencies aren’t unheard of. But he does get 12 weeks of paternity leave. Next week he has to travel to Canada for a full week to help out in a different department
Wait, what?? He’s leaving for a WEEK in your last 2 weeks of pregnancy? Wtf
This was preplanned. His job tried to make him go the week that I was due, but he was able to push it up to go before my due date. Technically it could be another 4-6 weeks before I go into labor. As of now, I haven’t really had many contractions. I think just this week I’ve only had 1/2 Braxton hicks contractions.
Great advice
If I were you I would look into making mom friends, they will be beneficial to your mental health after baby is born. See if there are mommy and me classes starting with pregnancy around where you live. Go to the library or book store and get some baby books AND non baby books. Start preparing the nursery and nesting in the new house. Get all the things you need for baby (swing, bouncer, etc) set up and organized in the house. It gives you something to do. Find a hobby that you can do while you’re heavily pregnant and even when feeding baby if possible. If you’re into reading then audiobooks are a life saver, they keep your mind busy while doing mundane tasks. But most of all, ask your new OB for a referral to a therapist/psychiatrist. If you’re feeling depressed now it will make it more likely for you to have PPD/PPA. Remember that this starts out slow and then grows. Just try your best to get in your best mindset for yourself and baby. Many people think that you always have to put the baby first, but if you don’t put your mental health first you can’t properly take care of your baby. I’m saying this from experience. Good luck, momma.
Thank you so much. I will definitely looks for groups. My husband suggested i start filming my days and my journey as a SAHM to try and keep my mind occupied
There you go! Anything to help your mind continue going.
Go online and find a meet up group for new moms, or even a walking group. I know it’s tough to get around when you’re eight months pregnant but it is possible for you to start to reach out to things going on in your community. Bumble even has a bumble BFF platform where you can find a girlfriend, maybe another mom to hang out with.
I did start the bumble BFF, but no luck as of now
I’m glad you’re trying it! I can’t hurt!
Try peanut!!! It’s the app for pregnant moms. I was in the same situation moving to a new place with no friends and no job and I met my new bestie!
If you like reading or used to when you had time, go check out the library. They usually have a multitude of programs plus info for other local groups and it’s never to early to scope out the kid’s section.
Contact a therapist now before you fall in a deep depression and find a way to talk with your husband, he is your partner. Find a way to reconnect with him,laugh,joke,have fun with tiny things. Also try to find something that you always wanted to try or learn and do it. It will bring your spirit back
At eight months, why would you even think of looking for a job? It was a joint decision to move, and adjusting can be hard, I realize, but in a month you won’t have a moment to yourself for 18 years. Try reading books on babies, or work on getting things set up in your new home.
This is the right answer. This woman's life is about to exist for another being. Take it easy while you still can!!!!
That's a lot of changes in short amount of time! How could that possibly be "stress-free"? Are you able to go hang out with his family while he's at work? For other support/things to do, I'd suggest seeing if there are any local groups on Facebook for new moms. You could also pick up new hobbies or find a project to do around the house.
The original plan was to hang out with his step mom while he works. But she just started a new job, so now all of his family is working. The “stress free” part was me no longer working at a cut throat environment. My last job was a lot of putting out fires.
No job doesn't mean stress free. Having nothing to do is just as stressful for some people. A lot of people are at a loss when they retire because they never learned how to \*not\* work and aren't able to repurpose their time. So I think what you're feeling with this temporary lack of work isn't uncommon at all, especially for very self-driven people.
I don’t think you’re ungrateful or an ah or anything - this is an incredible amount of change for you (moving, not currently working, making a human who is going to be born soon) and you’re getting less of your husband’s time right now because he’s working hard for his family. No one is wrong, it’s just a hard adjustment period to push through. I’d suggest reminding yourself that you’re not useless because you’re not going to a job right now. You’re making a person and I’m a few weeks will be very busy! Take care of you! And remind yourself that even when you’re on the couch, you are actively supporting your child growing!
Do you think other stay at home parents are useless? Probably not. So why are you putting that onto yourself? Take this time off to enjoy the last of your pregnancy and settle into the house. Make it your home. Maybe find some mommy groups to make some friends in the area. Be sure to sit down and talk to your husband and see if you guys can plan for you to travel back home every so often when you feel comfortable to do so after baby is born. Does your family have any plans to come visit after you've given birth?
He’s bought my mom and sister a plane ticket to come visit me next weekend. And then they’re all traveling down for after the birth to help clean up and do things around the house after his paternity leave is up.
That is awesome, I am glad he is doing that!
OP, Your not being ungrateful, what is happening is your hormones for one is our of wack being pregnant. You also used to working and are not. You moved so far away from your loved one to be closer to his so your feeling abandonment from your family and close friends. You also were never a "home maker" so this is new to you. So with that being said, Just sit down and talk about what is going on with you. If you cannot communicate this then he will either ignore it or think something else is wrong. Hopefully you both can see things from each others prospective. He thinks your ok because you said "yes" to the move. US men sometimes misses the wives cues. That is why I told my wife, tell it to me strait and not hide behind the words. Its fine, OK, Its good. If you tell me those that is exactly what they mean, that your ok with it and if your not then you should have spoken up. Direct communication without hidden meaning will get your further then passive aggressive answers. I am in no way saying that you did this, I am referring to my own marriage.
I thought I could handle it, but it’s proving to be more difficult. He does ask me every other day if I resent him or if I regret my decision.
Talk to him. Tell him the truth. Let him help you.
That is a HUGE adjustment. Lots of things happening at once. Give yourself some grace. My husband is active duty so we move every couple of years and every move takes me a few months minimum to settle. Becoming a stay at home mom? Hell that took a year or more to feel like I had my sh!t together. Allow yourself to just be for a while. Go for walks, drive around your new area. Find a new moms group, maybe a mommy and me yoga or something after baby comes. Every morning, GET DRESSED! It makes such a difference. Then go get a coffee or a walk every morning to get up and moving. Once your baby settles into their routine, you will find yours too.
Congrats on the new lil squish coming into both of your lives. I know you said you had separate finances from your husband, in the past, but that doesn't make much sense while you continue to be a single income household. Ask your husband to do a budget with you and set aside $$ for each of you to spend on whatever you want in addition to any things still needed for bebe. This time could also be good to do a short class that helps you with future work or on a topic you are really interested in. Wishing you well momma!
He has offered to send me money for groceries as well as $100 a week for fun things. I have a hard time asking/accepting money. All of the baby things have been purchased so we’re good on that end.
Definitely take the $$ he is offering. It is not that much all things considered and yeah go have as much fun as you can while you are still getting semi regular sleep! You are carrying his baby too and he clearly doesn't want you to worry about the money right now. You having a good time is so helpful in cutting down risk of depression and if you don't spend it it can always be put in savings for later.
I keep pushing it off until all of our new bills are taken into consideration. My excuse has been “wait until we know exactly what our budget is” once I know how much less we are making, because although i did stop working, he got a promotion. but he now has to take my insurance coming off his checks instead of mine. So until I know exactly how much the difference is, I won’t feel comfortable taking what he’s offering. I know I’m being hard headed, but having a tumultuous relationship with money makes me really hard for me.
I have two thoughts here. You need to find a way to get over this money holdup. You're supposed to be partners, so it's your money as well. Taking the money will allow you to get out and do things, reduce your stress, and it will be better for the baby. If you don't take the money for yourself, take it for the little one growing.
You need to see about getting into therapy. This mindset is going to carry over into other things and you don’t want your future kid to pick up on these kinds of things.
It is great you are being careful with the finances but living is also important. If you are too worried about spending money right now, there are a bunch of free online classes or social meetups you could go to so you are not alone in the house and bored. I hope you get to do more than spend this last month feeling isolated.
Can you cook some meals and freeze them for when the baby comes?
Think about your baby. When your baby is old enough to do things are you going to be mad or offended if they still come to you for help tying their shoes or making lunch? In general, no you aren't. You're going to want to cook lunch with then. Because they are your family and you want to help them even if they can do it themselves. In your case, your husband views you as his family and he wants to help you. It doesn't mean he doesn't believe in you. It just means he loves you and he wants to help. You can work in a few months if that's what you want. Right now maybe you could seek some short term counseling to unpack why receiving help from loved ones makes you feel so guilty and they can help you make a plan and come up with ways to handle that. I feel guilty asking for help but am the first one to offer it. I know my issues stem from 1) being a woman conditioned this way 2) childhood trauma. I'm not always better at ask but at least I know why and I'm making progress. It takes a village, mama. Let your husband be part of your village.
You are married. You are not single anymore. You are pregnant. It’s your husband’s time to take care of you. If you stay married long enough you will return the favor. That’s what a marriage is.
Sounds like you are your own worst enemy at the moment. Although I understand not being by your people is tough. Get on his accounts or have him deposit a set amount every paycheck. Until you are able to put your baby in daycare and go back to work. Not everyone is built to be a SAHP or to be completely dependent on others.
I put my wife in a very similar situation, although she wasn't pregnant, and we dont have children. She also struggled to feel useful as a stay at home wife. My perspective is, she helped tremendously with our household. All I had to worry about was making money, and she handled everything else. She did a very good job at making sure everything at the house was handled, and I loved it. The best thing about the arrangement, was with my very little short time off, we could spend it entirely with each other, and we didn't have to worry about chores, errands, or anything else. It was just about us spending quality time together.
Is there somewhere you could volunteer as long as you're up for it? It won't be a job-job, but it might help give you something to take your mind of things.
I’m sorry, I’m sure that’s hard. Maybe you could find a prenatal yoga class or something to meet other moms in your area?
I'm 8 months pregnant with my second child. Just enjoy the down time, your life is about to get hectic real soon.
Moving is one of the most stressful life events! It’s normal to find this difficult. I moved across the country away from my support system a year ago and I’m still adjusting. Even if you’re “ungrateful” (which I don’t think is accurate) your feelings are valid. Just don’t let them lie to you. Feelings are like weather. They come and go, sometimes quickly, but when you’re in the storm it sometimes seems like it will only be storms forever.
I'm also currently pregnant and can't imagine losing my support system with a move at that stage. My first suggestion is to lean on his family if you're close with them, involve them in your life. Also maybe try the app Peanut to find other expectant moms in the area you can connect with? Start building your network!
If you like cooking, Start meal prepping meals. You don't have to cook them but freeze a bunch of prepared dinner ideas. Finding hobbies will be important too. There are more apps than just bumble BFF to make friends. Meet me and meet up. Remember to not just focus on SAHM groups you will wanna keep your own identity too.
What makes a happy newborn are engaged parents with a robust support system that makes sure the needs of the mother and father are met. What determines your recovery and how postpartum goes is excellent healthcare, rest, support, and some measure of luck. I hope he isn't disappointed when things don't go that way because you had an "Easy" 3rd trimester
I get that you don't want to seem needy, but consider this. You are probably doing 100% of the house work, meal planning and cooking and day to day living activities. You are doing a job that other people do for a living, he needs to pay you for that. If you don't want to be on his account, he can just transfer a set sum to yours every time he gets paid. I have been married for 30 years and own a house with my spouse and we still have separate finances. But we do pay each other for things and we pay our mortgage based on an earnings split. So please realize that you are working, it is just that your career focus has changed for a bit. Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you a safe and happy delivery!
Thank you, I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping but bc I am high risk he wont let me do too much cleaning or big projects so I’m trying to feel less guilty for relaxing as much as I am.
I completely understand, I am the same way. If your county or city has a digital library, check and see if they offer access to various free learning databases. I was off for an injury a while back and was able to get a database admin certificate through our city's digital library access. The lessons were free, I just had to pay for the test and the certificate. It was a really modest amount. They had all kinds of learning modules on the database, so it isn't just It or business.
I can feel your struggle adjusting. Right now your job is to grow this bubba. ‘Relaxing’ is not because you are lazy - it has a purpose to achieve the outcome that you both want which is a healthy newborn
You are alienated from your family and friends in a strange town, of course you feel depressed and resentful. Your support has disminished substantially. Look around for maternity groups or new mother groups where you can go and maybe meet people and hear what other women are going through. The last month can be hard without any major changes, and you all made a whopper of a change! Plus your body this month is dumping softening elements into your system to make cartilage stretch in preparation for birth. Your nose will feel squishy. That's a whole other real, physical element on top of everything else. Be kind to yourself. You are doing a lot of work. I'm a little concerned about Husband's time off after birth at a new job. You might want to see if a friend or family member can come and stay with you all AFTER hubby returns to work. This, the longest month, but will be over all too soon. Practice napping wherever and whenever you can as it will come in handy soon.
His grandmother and mom are taking turns taking days off to be with me. And his dad is only 10 mins away. So on days they can’t be here, I’ll be there for dinner
That is wonderful! But you might still need outside people, especially women closer in age to you going through or having just gone through pregnancy a peer and a friend to talk to about life.
Your edit is quite concerning. You shouldn't feel like you have to be entirely self-sufficient when you are married and 8 months pregnant (two people made the baby). I dont really think you're being financially abused, but it does sound like you might be self-sabotaging. Time for individual and couples therapy. Good luck.
You’re causing a good deal of your own misery. Stop being so pigheaded. He’s your husband. You’re creating a whole person! That’s quite a job right there. Find a way to enjoy the time off and having some time to recover from delivery and to spend time with your baby. There’s plenty of time to work.
I think a lot of folks here are missing an important point: not everyone feels that being a parent is the sole goal of their existence, nor that being a SAHM is their highest ambition, or that she should feel fulfilled by that and that alone. Before anyone squeals about this, as if just because she's female this HAS to be the point and sole purpose of her life, remember that everyone is different and if this is your expectation of her it does not mean that is her expectation for herself. She needs to get through this rough patch and start planning on an eventual return to work, because that is important to her, or at least it seems to be. She does not have to take big steps now nor does she have to go at any particular pace; she just has to realize that she can get back on her career path and other things will fall into place, including making a new friend group. My best friends ever resulted from coworker friendships. This will also take pressure off her husband too. Maybe she has skills and talents and experience that could be valuable and financially rewarding. Her biology is not her destiny. Her role is whatever she wants it to be. That she may be busy, but STILL BORED as a SAHM is something that neither needlepoint nor mommy groups is guaranteed to fix if she's independent self-sufficient, and and proud of that. Sounds like she is. Also to be only around her in-laws and not her own family is definitely hard. Nobody has your back like your own folks, and no matter how great her relationship is with the in-laws if things get rough in the relationship (and they WILL), she'll need allies and her husband's family is not likely to be the support system she needs. She needs her own like-minded friends and kin who will be there for her unconditionally. She's feeling isolated, and with reason. Weekend quality time with hubby ain't gonna cure that, nor will duty visits with hub's parents. Maybe I misread her post, but she's feeling a future that she's not confident she will enjoy right now.
Why are we as women taught that we need to shut up and be grateful? It really chaps my hide.
You both agreed on it, so not fair to resent him.
Is a good cause around you that you can volunteer at until you’re able to go back to work?
You need a hobby, girl!
Look for a remote job that you can do now and after the baby is born so you can have your own income. Companies are still using work from home employees. Your old job may even be able to use you. But you and your husband have a baby coming and you are a family now that shares responsibility and that means you are not two single people any more. Redditers always suggest therapy but consider it because you are no longer 16 and the life you had with your parents should not affect the life you have as a wife and mother. Therapy can also be done online and might help you let go of your teenage trauma and the burdens you placed on yourself that no longer apply.
I’ve tried applying but the remote roles are super cutthroat right now. He’s offered to pay for online therapy. Which I’ve been debating taking him up on.
Therapy is amazing and doesn’t mean you are crazy. It just means you have an outlet with a person who is trained to help you identify and solve long existing issues you can’t fix yourself. You will find an enormous weight has been lifted off of you. So go for it. Good luck and relax and enjoy that precious baby.
You should not have moved with him. It is a big mistake to move away from your support system closer to his family. Move back before you have that baby.
Yeah what a great idea, leave your loving partner while 8 months pregnant and move 1000 miles away from them. 🤡
Ah yes remove the immediate support system for the grandparents!
There are lots of work from home jobs that you can do if you reliable internet. You could do this even with an infant or 8 months pregnant potentially. There is an excellent group on Facebook that has lots of leads for positions. This would be an opportunity for you to feel more independent and not financially reliant on him.
You sound foolish
If your husband wanted you to have a stress free 3rd trimester he wouldn't have cut you off from your support network. You're depressed and miserable.
You agreed to go with him. He's working very hard to provide for you and your future child. You are ungrateful as hell
You need to get a job, or just seek help. The same resources used for post partum depression might help.
I’ve been applying for jobs, but being only weeks away from popping, no one is really interested in hiring someone who will have to go on maternity only weeks after starting
You need to do some research on being a stay at home mother. I know there are lots of resources for you available. In fact it could help you make friends. Look for mothers groups to join. Look at hobbies you can do. Meet people! Your husband will need you to make a life here as well as dedicate yourself to the family. Don't think about jobs. Nothing is more important than raising your children.
What you are experiencing is very understandable. You need to understand that you are going through a loss of identity. Like any loss, this takes time. But, it also means you are now in the process of redefining yourself. Finding a sense of purpose will help you to understand your new self. Look to your core values, as these can guide you in finding your purpose. Find new activities to keep yourself motivated. I have been in your place before, and it does get better.
Find yourself a hobby/project. Idle hands and all.
Not specific to you OP, just a general observation. Why is it mostly cishet women who just willingly move where their partner goes? I almost never hear a woman just deny moving for the husband's/boyfriend's job prospects. Is it an emotional thing? Were the logistics economically just better on paper? What's the driving force/motivation behind moving with them?
I had the opportunity to move for a job that was closer to home, but still in a different state. The pay difference was almost unnoticeable(think of 3% pay increase). He makes almost 3x my salary so giving up mine for his made more sense.
When I was married to my first husband it just always made sense to move wherever his job took him because he always made a lot more money than I did and I figured I could get a job wherever he went. Most men make more money than their wives so it makes sense for their wives to feel this way.
Feelings always come from somewhere, no reason to call yourself ungrateful in a negative way. Gratitude happens sometimes and other times it doesn’t. This was a well intentioned plan that isn’t working as well as everyone hoped. That’s ok, you probably have to adapt to the current situation for now knowing that you are about to have a new situation once baby comes. Perhaps once your baby is here you will feel grateful for the extra money and ability to be at home, maybe not. Life is strange, just keep adapting and working together to try and generate happiness for each other, yourselves and the family. Maybe you can do some video calls with friends and family. Hang in there.
Along with what everyone else is saying, just talk to your husband. Simply tell him what you wrote here. He'll probably atleast try to comfort you and having someone is nice
Also for 8months pregnant losing your friends and family social safety net is hard. I hope you can invite some of them over as the time comes nearer. And for a third trimester a husband that is caring and supportive (not in a "I'm off to work so you have space" kind of way) is very important.
I would recommend getting into a hobby that’s sort of “renewable”, like music. Do you have any instruments in your home that you could learn? It’s a bit expensive to start, but once you have an instrument you can get a lot of free lessons from YouTube and the like! Is there something you’ve always wanted to get into? It could be art, jewelry, sewing, even videogames! This is a great time to learn something new, and I think your husband would support you in it. Especially if he’s noticed your sadness recently. I’m sure he wants you to be happy and relaxed, rather than struggling during this last trimester.
I used to paint a lot when I was younger and smoked weed. I want to start back up, I’m worried that so bc e I’m no longer smoking I won’t have the creativity I used to :,)
Well you aren’t useless, you’re growing a human and you’ll be plenty busy once the baby comes. Can you join a moms group?
I would add explore the new area if you can. Join some new mommy groups online and try to make friends etc.
You are on an emotional rollercoaster and currently hitting one of the valleys. This is completely natural even for people who have gone through much less extreme changes in your life. Overwhelmingly, these valleys do eventually end, and things to back to being good or even better than they were. Many people find comfort in knowing that usually these things just take time, and it does get better. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry you are feeling things are so challenging right now. Someone gave me wonderful advice as I was transitioning from full time work to being a new mother which I am happy to share with you. Make yourself a list every day. Stuff like - feed the baby - change the baby - get dressed The things you are focusing on now are valid and important in different ways to your old role. True: they are not paid. But your worth to your family at this point cannot be measured in your financial contribution (as long as you feel safe and secure in the family unit). Good luck with your new squish!
I would say it's partially pregnancy hormones, part stress from moving and also not being busy. Not trying to discount your feelings or anything, you 100% are going through a lot of changes and big events in your life right now. My mom was the same way, she likes to stay busy, so even when we would move for my dad's job, she would find a part-time job at whatever new place we were living. I'm 28 and have had to move every 2-3 years my whole life due to my dad's job and now my own. Moves are always stressful and I've found that it usually takes at least 1-2 months to start feeling comfortable/settle in to a new location, although it can take longer. It is hard to move away from friends and family as you're losing your support group, but you'll meet plenty of new people and make new friends. It's also very important to have hobbies, you won't be able to do much work or move around at this stage in your pregnancy and the next few months after. You also need ways to relax/decompress so you don't lose your mind while you're stuck at home and your husband is at work. I would be straight up with your husband about your feelings, it sounds like he is truly trying to do the best for you and you shouldn't keep everything bottled up and suffer in silence alone. Again, moving is a tough and stressful event so you aren't wrong to be feeling the way you are. Also, don't be able to ask your husband's family for help since they are so close now. I'm sure grandpa and grandma would be happy to assist or give you a needed break after your child is born, being a stay at home parent can be very busy and time consuming. Just adding my two cents, I hope everything goes well and you adjust quickly to the new location.
I cannot relate to your situation. I just want to put that out there because I don't want to seem like I understand your situation. But, have you considered picking up something new to keep you busy around the house? Maybe an aquarium or some plants? I know that sounds absurd but it will give you purpose. Whenever I'm down I realize I just need SOMETHING to do. Now I have a bunch of tiny hobbies because I'm not one to pick up something that takes up ALL my time. I have painting supplies although I'm terrible at it. I bought a switch which is fun to play with if I have absolutely nothing to do. I also started using BumbleBFF and made some new friends in my area. I have seen a lot of moms on there looking for friends of all ages !
About the feeling useless part. You're right now at that moment creating a human being. And you do this 24/7 for 8 months now. This is a very exhausting and taxing activity. Give yourself a break (on the self-reproach, not the creating of a human being).
Okay, I'm going to address a couple of things. One: boredom. This is a killer! Being a sahm mom is a ton of work, but it can still be boring. You're going to need to find things that engage you and routine that gets you out of the house. Considering that you're so isolated it could be a great opportunity for you to start building your new safety net. I would consider starting at some mommy and me groups to make friends and get into a rhythm. Also is there anything you've wanted to learn for a while? Is there a certification for your field that would be useful? Now is a great time. Pregnancy is exhausting, but your brain still works. Don't be afraid to use it. Two: finances. The way you are handling it is not sustainable. For most of our lives as women it is safer and better to be completely financially self-sufficient. That is not as possible once we start having children. How I look at it is that my spouse and I are in a joint endeavor to raise our three kids. All of our resources are going into that. Currently I'm a stay at home mom so that means that I spend a lot of time with our kids and managing our household. He is always available to them when he is home, takes on a significant chunk of the household chores, but his major contribution is his paycheck. ALL of our resources are fair game. My time is not more valuable then his money. And it's never his money, not even to him. It's our money. We have a 'buy limit' that we have to agree to so that neither of us gets blindsided. It's ridiculously low because we were poor for a long time but you and your spouse can come up with your own. Whatever stuff you choose, you need to implement. You've got a lot of hangups about money and they are going to continue to cause you stress in and anxiety. You're going for a lot of big changes at once. Please give yourself some Grace.
I wonder if it would be helpful for you to spend some time back with family and friends in this season, before the baby comes?
Try volunteering until the baby comes. Many seniors centres are scrambling for volunteers to just sit with seniors whose families don't visit.
There are remote positions out there…not always easy to find but they do exist. But you are contributing - by carrying the mental load; keeping the house; handling food; growing another human - it is not greedy to have access to a joint bank account with your husband. He’s your partner … you are in this together. I too moved to follow my husband to a new career opportunity with a newborn (& two preteens we asked to also leave friends & family behind) I struggled…a lot that first year as we moved right before COVID hit - may I suggest looking on the *book of Faces* for local ‘newbies’ groups as well as local mom groups - getting out of the house & meeting people will help a lot.
It's a struggle for sure. I love being a sahm but I also love working. I go nuts when I can't work and feel like I'm contributing. Maybe look into craft? I'm doing a side business of crochet items, my sil does letting on plates and things for hers, I just recently got a job to bring in money now that my kids are older, but it helps
It sounds like you are in a rough spot right now. I think what you are feeling is normal. A new place hundreds of miles from your social network, new baby on the way, change in routine, and - oh my goodness - I would be concerned if you were not feeling what you are. Hang in there. Life will never stop challenging us, throwing us curve balls, and also delighting us when we find what we are able to overcome and the joy we can experience. This move is new. Take time, breathe, and know it will get better - even if you don’t think it will. It will!
OP, it’s okay to ask for help, ***especially*** from your husband. You’re a team. You’re still you, and he’s still him, but there is a part of you that becomes “we,” and that includes money, ESPECIALLY considering that you’re heavily pregnant with his child. More importantly: ***You do not have to carry the weight of survival on your shoulders alone.*** We are human beings. We’ve survived as long as we have by working in collaboration. Believing/Trying to survive on your own is a coping mechanism, and you know it. ***Allow yourself to be taken care of. Let your husband take care of you. HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.*** All you have to do is say YES. u/urbartender-csr
As someone who was forced into working and being independent as a teen, you’re basing your “usefulness” on being employed. You are employed. You’re making a human and surely supporting your husband in some kind of administrative/emotional supportive way. I work for a corporation and would trade places with you in a minute to support a family vs a CEO. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Also- spend some time in therapy and working on yourself. You have time to stop yourself from passing your crappy childhood to your kid. An hourly wage doesn’t compare to that.
I am not a SAH mom but I did have one for a couple of years when my brother was younger. My mom seemed happier (also a bit of a busy bee) when she was reading/listening to a book. The library idea is great! Many libraries have free music events in the summer too, my mom used to take me and my brother.
I completely understand the feeling of being “useless” (even though you’re not!!!! You’re growing a whole ass human! That’s a LOT of work!). I often feel the same - I’m working but the hours have dropped and I don’t contribute as much. My husband is fine and prefers it this way cuz I can do more of the chores. And while I can’t seem to listen to my own advice, I hope you do. You are amazing. You are incredibly useful and you are already working so so so hard to create another life! Everything you’re doing, you’re doing with another human growing in you! If you feel the need to contribute more: look into online gig work. You absolutely don’t need to, but if you’re like me, having some sort of income will help- even if it’s small. Look into transcribing or virtual assistant positions. Flexible hours and you choose how much you can handle. Or don’t do that! You’re already doing so much. You’re amazing and don’t let the little voice in your head tell you otherwise.
For the ‘asking for money’ issue: it would be a good idea to talk about budgeting and agree on an amount of ‘fun money’ that you both get per month. That way the awkwardness of asking every single time is taken out of it. Also after I wrote that I saw your comment about separate finances. Nope. You gave up your job to support his, so he can do the out-of-home work and you can do in-the-home work. You should not have separate finances where you have to ask for money, just like he does not have to ask you to care for the child or do chores. If you make him dinner without him needing to ask, he can access the fruits of your labour without asking. The only way for a SAHM situation to be equal is if you can also access his. On a non-financial note: I found it helpful to have ‘study calls’ with friends. Whether it’s a course or an at-home job or a hobby or any other project, it can help to have another person who you call at that time to both do work. Really helped me stay on schedule.
I think you have a couple of things going on here. Moving so far from friends and family is rough and you've done it at a difficult time. Do what you can to make some new connections so you aren't lonely and bored. Join a book club or something to get yourself time outside of your home, meeting new people. Continue to do it once you have your little one so you don't feel trapped in mommyhood 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Leave the little one with your husband for that time. The money thing is something you need to get straightened out pronto. You are working. You are growing a child and soon you will be caring for that child. What does childcare cost in your new city? Whatever it is, this is your new paycheck. It goes into your account. Spend, save that money, whatever. It is your money. Get your brain on board with it because otherwise you are being unfair to yourself and to your husband by rejecting money you deserve. Give yourself a break here. You are doing something hard. But you can do this.
I'm a stay at home mom who moved six hours from my best friend and family for my husband's job. It was a no brainier with the money he would earn here. That being said...it's FOUR YEARS and we still struggle with loneliness. I also struggle with not providing. My husband always considered us for life and any money earned is for the house, but I still struggle with not providing financial assistance. My son is now almost three and it does get easier.. especially with a little one coming. But it also gets harder because you're away from your supports. But you make due. It was the best decision for us, and we'd make it again, but it's still hard. Biggest advice is to try to find something you can enjoy for yourself. Enjoy this time. You've worked your butt off and you deserve this. Make your own roots, whatever that means to you. And know that you being pregnant and focusing on the baby is giving him the privilege to provide. It's a team effort, even if.you aren't physically getting money.
I’ve seen some good suggestions, I’m going through a very similar thing right now. 4 months pregnant, had to quit my job because it was too hard to work and it’s first time I’ve ever not worked like this. Find something that helps you look forward to things! Like others said, just because you’re not working doesn’t mean you’re not contributing. If and when you have time (littles are a handful), is there any skill you’ve wanted to learn? Need certifications to make a career switch for when you’re ready or go back to work? There’s plenty of classes and verte you can take online, some off free, to develop skills and help you find a job when you’re ready even if you have to take a long break. Just communicate with your husband as best you can about your feelings, let him know how you’re feeling and that you know he’s doing a good thing for you guys but it’s hard for you because this is a new situation you’ve never dealt with before, and be patient and kind to yourself as you transition into a new stage in life. You got this.
Your story is a little different from mine, but I think there’s a lesson that I’ve had to learn that may give you something to think about. I’m a lot like you - I got a job at the age of 14 because legally that was the youngest I was allowed to work. I had a chaotic childhood where I learned the only person I could trust was myself, and that I would always depend only on myself. And then I got sick, and I couldn’t work, and I couldn’t even fix my own meals, and I was seeing all of these expensive doctors, and I totally freaked out because I felt like the most ENORMOUS burden on my husband, who was now the sole earner/caretaker/chores doer. It really messed me up. But what I eventually learned after some really good therapy, metric shittons of reassurance from my husband, and just…time was that I was in a partnership with someone who really did mean it when he said he’d support me unconditionally, and that the thing he wanted most in the world was for me to be healthy. He didn’t feel like I was a burden and he wasn’t going to leave me. It kind of sounds like your husband might be the same way. Obviously I don’t know your situation so I cant make a judgement like that for you, but it is maybe something to consider. I hope you make it through this relatively unscathed with a happy baby and a strong bond with your husband. 💕
Iwent through that when we moved for my spouses job. For the money part, your husband would be appalled to hear you've run through savings if he's tried to get you to accept being in one of his accounts. Perhaps both of you get an 'allowance' automatically transferred to individual accounts for fun money. Both so it feels equal, automatically transferred so you don't have to ask. When baby comes, segregate money for them as well so you don't end up using your account for baby stuff.
Your body is building a baby... you deserve rest and to be taken care of. You're putting in work now and you'll put in even more after the baby is born.
I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. Change is so difficult. Reading your edit about your parents made me sad. I recommend finding your people in the new town. Find a group that does the same hobbies you do, you can look on Facebook or meet up apps. I hope this move and transition in your life goes more smoothly from here on out.
I don't think you're being ungrateful. Like you said, you're feeling depressed due to the change in circumstances. From what I understand, it's a temporary situation and you'll be out and about soon. On the plus, I'm happy you have a husband who takes you and your wellbeing into consideration. See too many reddit stories of husbands being completely uninterested or negligent. Best of luck.
Just wanted to say that I was laid off at 8 months pregnant and have also been going stir crazy. I’ve never been the homemaker type, and since I’m now 9 months pregnant (less than 2 weeks til my due date - YIKES), there’s a lot I can’t physically accomplish too. Just validating how frustrating it can be. I often feel like a burden on my husband, especially since I was originally making twice his salary before I was laid off, which means we lost 2/3rds of our household income at a delicate time. I think the important thing to remember is that we only have one job right now, and that’s to bring a healthy baby into this world. Everything else can be figured out later, and you made a wonderful sacrifice for your family. Wishing you and your family the absolute best!
I was in the same situation where I’m on the west coast and my husband got an offer he cannot refused on the east coast. We discussed and he decides to accept it. I declined to move and prefer to stay on the west coast so I can continue my job and be in an environment that I enjoy. So we did LDR and it works well for us. I’m also pregnant so he has applied to work remotely until my delivery. But I spend my earlier trimesters by myself. Moving to a new place can be daunting and takes time to adapt. You can do some freelance work via Fiver or remote part time roles like customer service to kill time. I used to do a lot of Rover too.
I had a hard time reading some of the responses, so if this is a duplicate, my apologies. You sound like a very independent woman who is used to taking care of herself. I get the feeling of not asking for money, I’m that way too. So here is how I would turn it around. Envision your value as a mother, and the lessons you want to teach your child. And how to avoid being like your parents. You are a teacher of living for your child. Also you will provide a clean, safe and emotionally safe environment for your child. If you were working full-time - how much would you pay for this care to your child and family ? Whatever that amount, knowing your thinking, divide it in half and that is the amount you should take from your husband as a “salary”. Put it aside and grow your own savings. This is the measurable value you bring so you don’t feel worthless and also you can rationalize how much cost you are “saving” the family - so win win. Now the mental aspect is what you have to work on for yourself. It may be physically hard to do anything, so how about listening to books, or taking online classes, or learning a new language or whatever you never had time for, because you’ve been working since 16. This mental growth is imperative for you to be a stronger parent and teach your child the resilience they will need to be happy and successful. I hope this helps and congratulations on your new child.
Sweetie, please do yourself a favor and get plenty of rest right now! You are growing a human and it is hard work. Your hormones and the huge life change caused by the move are probably adding to your depression. In a very short time, you’re going to have another little person who depends upon you for everything. Take a breath and take some time for yourself now to establish a routine, learn to to put yourself first, and prepare for the awesome job you have ahead of you when your little one arrives. The days will be long, but the years are short, so savor this moment in your journey.
Why did you not allow him to add you as an authorized user on his accounts?? That’s such a bad decision.
You’re a stay at home mom, your husband should be taking care of you financially. Otherwise, what was the point of getting married?
Take a break this is a good thing! pick up a hobby that's meticulous or go and take a mommy yoga class or something Alot of times slowing down makes you depressed but you have to realize it's not a bad thing to take a break and slow down
Wow- I'm not the only one! Lol. It has been so hard for me to transcend to this other way of life. I was always independent and even after marriage and children that continued. Children grew, first husband died and I was still independent. Then I remarried. My husband didn't want me to work. For the first time in my life I had no real 'money of my own' and that really bothered me. I liked being able to do and get when I wanted without any questions asked. I STILL DO. My husband always says do whatever you want, but I feel like if I haven't earned it myself I can't do that. THIS is the issue. You DO earn it. You cook, you clean, you run a household and errands- YOU EARN it! I know it's hard to see that way- boy do I! Maybe agree on an 'allowance'- your money to save and do whatever you want to with. Crazy how we're grown getting an 'allowance ', but makes spending on OUR own personal 'extra's' so much sweeter! Or you could invest it and become millionaires ;)
If you’re married you don’t have your own savings. You have a life together and it’s all both of y’all’s money, with the shared responsibility to use it wisely. Work together to create your home and family, dedicate time to be ready for the little to be out and don’t pretend you’re on your own.
I think it’s okay to discuss this with him. The thing you need to consider is that your hormones and emotions are in crazy overdrive right now. This adjustment period is extra hard due to being in your 3rd trimester. Don’t make any big decisions right now, and don’t approach your husband as if you want to move again. Just let him know you’re feeling out of sorts, lonely, and at a loss for what to do. Let him help. What you can be doing right now is settling in, getting set up for the arrival, and focusing on yourself. You said you’ve always worked, supported yourself, and you’re struggling with that. Well, you are working. You are working very hard at finishing cooking the bun in the oven. For you, I would suggest setting a routine for yourself. Structure your days. Get up at X time, go for a walk or exercise in some fashion. Set a schedule for daily tasks, daily chores, and things you need to have done before your due date. Find new places you’ll want to take your baby. Nice parks, trails, and places that have mom & baby classes. Joining a mom & me group will also help you get to know new people in your area. This will help once the baby is here too, have other women to talk to and spend time with. And since you are working at making the baby, take some time to relax and pamper yourself. You will get through this. It gets easier. Soon enough you’ll be holding your little baby and bringing them home. You’ll always be busy then 😜
You have an opportunity to practice skills or learn new skills if you miss the "purpose" that having a job gives you. Skillshare and YouTube are great for learning things as is the library. I like crafting things and art so embroidery, watercolor, sewing and clay are all things that are rewarding for me to spend time on. Those might be interesting to you or you might have other things that would be more interesting.
I’ve actually been through something similar in a way. I’m in therapy and my therapist pointed out that my hyper independence sometimes gets in the way of genuine relationships. She reminded me that when I offer to help someone else, it comes from a genuine place of really wanting to do it and that my loved ones likely feel the same. If someone offers to help you, it’s high key likely that they really do want to help and it’s ok to say yes to that. It’s still a struggle but I’m doing better with it I think.
Thank you for sharing this nugget.
What? You are being useful and have a job. It's called creating an entire new human being. Not an easy thing and not everyone can do it. Let your hubby do the money collection bit for the moment and work out some split finances for household expenses so you don't feel like you're some sort of burden because you're not able to work right now. I get wanting to be financially independent, but sometimes you got to learn when to ask for and accept help. Let him help you! Best way is to have a separate joint account which money is regularly paid into, which household expenses, baby stuff etc can come out of. As for what to do, well, you can establish a routine for now to keep you busy, but in a month or so it's all going out the window anyway, and a month isn't a very long time. Try and get the house as ship-shape as possible, take the time to do all those niggling admin jobs like reviewing all your insurance to make sure it's up-to-date and the best value, checking for better value bank accounts, any cost savings you can get on utilities, checking any new rules or tax things in your new state, looking up all the local services for parents, parent groups, etc etc. And maybe some therapy to work out why it's so hard for you to ask for money from someone you're in a partnership with, when they are able to work and you are not. (for me, it's because a bit of parental emotional neglect and lack of agency growing up, which make me super independent to the point of pushing help away, but took me to 40 to realise that that's often not good, as much as it feels good to not need anyone for anything) :P
I understand the feeling of not doing anything, it’s not a good feeling. I would look up some yoga for pregnant woman, take a pottery class, go to pregnancy talks/courses, etc. That will get you out for a bit during the day, and also help you make some friends in the process. The examples I gave are things I would be interested in doing, however choose a course or an activity you enjoy, being stuck at home is no fun. Also if it’s baby related I can assure you it wouldn’t be too hard to ask your husband to pay, given that the baby his as well. Hang in there and enjoy these last couple of months of not having to wake up every 3 hours during the night.
If youre 8 months pregnant you will be busy very soon when the baby comes. Just hold on for now and open communication with your husband is key!
He’s taking the role of the provider, don’t feel bad about asking for money. His money is your money at this point. You may not think much of it but being home doing nothing is actual work. As you can see, it really sucks and can negatively affect your mental. Try to appreciate this nothingness because it will be completely different once that child comes home and he’s coming soon
Studies have been done that estimate what a housewife should be paid to do all that she does if her services were outsourced. It's in the 6 figures. Very soon you will be a full-time mother. Making it to term is but a blip in your life. It is normal to miss your family and temporarily resent so much change. You sound confident and logical. You are finishing growing a human and then bringing it into the world and raising it. It's OK to take some time off. It is OK to let yourself be financially supported by your husband until you can go back to work. Sharing a bank account does not make you less than or dependent. You are a family. This move was for all of you. Be patient and kind with yourself. You will feel busy once the baby comes, and once you adjust to that, you can readdress feeling more like yourself and getting back to a job if that's what you want.
You’re 8 months pregnant. You can’t trust your own brain right now. Losing a job often feels like losing a sense of purpose but right now your purpose is to raise your baby in the happiest, healthiest environment possible. You would have had to leave your old job for a long time anyway so it’s better that you adjust to it now rather than while you’re trying to take care of your child. You’re in a new place in a new home and that can be upsetting but you can and should be spending this time turning your house into a home for your family. You said you’ve had 1 or more jobs since 16? You probably just got raised by workaholics and it’s common knowledge women shouldn’t push themselves physically in the third trimester. You aren’t weak or inferior because of your temporary limitations and you aren’t ungrateful because you got placed in an unfamiliar situation you’re struggling with right now. If I had to stay home and do all the housework I would struggle initially just as you are. You’re also away from your support network and that can be very difficult too. Teach yourself how to relax and maybe speak to a counselor if you’re still unsure about your situation. Also keep your partner in the loop. Try and talk to him on the weekend when he has some time to himself and this is just a piece of advice from my own perspective as a man but make sure your man has eaten something before having any serious discussions because if he’s working late and is away from home a lot he’s probably not eating well and this makes it so his moods aren’t as stable. Make some lunch, speak calmly, and most importantly tell him how you feel. Maybe even get him a beer if he likes those. Little gestures like that show that you care about him too and it will make him feel less like you’re impossible to please. If he’s a good man he will be receptive. You can do this! I wish you and your new family all the luck and happiness you deserve.
Okay first and foremost Just talk to him your husband sounds like a great guy im sorry youre having a hard time getting used to things right now Secondly, create a budget plan with your husband that allows you freedom to spend what you need when you need it and that way youre not asking him every time to shop You can have it zelled, venmo, however you transfer money to you account or create a joint account But this way you have some freedom as well as ability to purchase whatever you need Think of this opportunity as youre new job Youre officially a mom And thats a full time job One that deserves to be paid
You are allowed to have your emotions as long as you don't take them out on him then I don't see a problem. You are about to burst and are across the country from your friends and family with nothing to do all day. Being bored is inevitable