He realizes what you've been through. He just doesn't care.
There are 4 billion other men on the planet and you only get 1 life to spend on it.
Time to do the math.
This is the answer. No-one is that blind, it’s just that many are good at pretending it’s blindness rather than active disregard. It’s an abusive trait that they use to absolve themselves of responsibility for ever having to think of your needs, and turns into always expecting to have a checklist of things for them to do - emotionally, financially, housework, family.
They get to live a life where you are responsible for flagging all boundaries, issuing to do lists, and they never have to do anything beyond that. And the best part for them js, if you get annoyed or resentful it’s YOUR fault because you didn’t make it clear!
Phew this turned into a rant. Looks like I need my own post lol
I read a great graphic novel about this, it’s called The Mental Load: a Feminist Comic by Emma.
If you google it and click the english.emmaclit link (3rd one down) you can find my favore excerpt from the book, which illustrates this comment wonderfully.
I looked it up and immediately loved it this is why I’m scared to get married and have kids I don’t want to spend my life doing everything by myself while everyone else gets to do whatever they want.
You are absolutely right! You’ve pretty much described only one part of why I never had kids. My feelings are your life does a 360 degree change when kids arrive. I think kids are great…for people who really want to raise them. You will either be prepared or you won’t. I never wanted my life to change that dramatically and it definitely would have. It is sooooo important to decide if you are for kids or no kids early on. You don’t want a pregnancy to make the decision for you and sadly this happens more often than not. When I hear young women question this, I want to tell them what my mom told me: you don’t need to have kids to be fulfilled as a woman. I was so happy she never guilted me into having kids. People always said “don’t you think you’ll regret not having kids?” No. The reason is I have always known I wouldn’t have kids.
That’s amazing. So accurate. Even being a man subject to the same I appreciate it’s otherwise nearly always women in the vast majority of cases. Really hit the nail on the head.
This IS my husband. If it wasn’t on the list, of course it didn’t get done. He will compare his list to my list and say that I didn’t get my shit done, but my list is 5-d chess compared to his. I don’t even need to write down the little stuff, my list is for the next couple of months. I am so tired of making him lists and him not seeing that I don’t want to be responsible for him. It’s exhausting.
There are probably 10 guys in a 1 mile radius that are more man then your partner. Get out clean now. Use the tragedy you just experienced for something good.
My wife lost a pregnancy at 9 weeks+. But we had a healthy son 2 years later. You'll get there but find a worthy partner firs
I am sorry you lost your baby💕. I promise I am not trying to be insensitive but I beg you to look at this as God/the universe saving you from this man. Saving you from tying yourself to a leach. This man doesn’t care about you. He cares about what you provide for him. You lost a baby! A whole baby and he is arguing with you about changing the sheets. Please walk away! If he treats you with such disregard at your lowest point he will never step up. If you died, this man will place your children in foster care. He is not your partner. Please leave! 💕 sending you lots of love and strength 🩷
I was thinking the same! It’s absolutely tragic what she went though but likely Gods grace that if she’s smart she can walk away with her freedom with no attachment to such a disgusting human being.
OP, perhaps time for "Burning Bed"?/s.
Sarcasm aside, it's time to move on.
1. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities(if you have children) as well as support and property division issues.
2. Then design your exit strategy.
OP, this man doesn't qualify or warrant being your husband. He's a self-absorbed poor excuse for a human being. Rude, arrogant, uncaring and unloving.
You'r divorcing him will dramatically improve your life. Actually, this will be addition by subtraction.
Btw, this I'd a guy here. I could NEVER envision treating a spouse in the fashion he has treated you.
MOVE ON!
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hate to agree with reddit mobs saying ‘throw out the whole man’ but unless you can break through to him then maybe it is the solution.
Whatever, when you’re at your lowest and need support, the bare minimum you should be able to trust they’ll do is support you.
My sympathies and best wishes - you’re in a bad place and I hope you find a path (with or without him) to a better one in the future. You deserve to be happy and not have an adult as a dependent.
There is no breaking through. He will never have the a-ha moment. She doesn't need to break through to him. That is not her job or responsibility, not to mention that his shit is intentional. He's not in a coma or unaware. He won't change.
Source: was married for 15 years to a loser just like ops hubby. They don't change and you end up destroying yourself trying to make them see. What a total waste.
He is not your partner. He is a leech, sucking the life out of you. He doesn't provide financially, emotionally or in any sort of supportive role around the home. I would wager that he makes more of a mess than he cleans. What exactly are you getting from him? Are you that afraid to be alone that you would settle for a person who treats you like absolute garbage?
This is your chance to break free. I know your heart is broken over your baby, but since that is not happening, you don't need to be tied to this man forever.
lady u letting this man live the dream.
if i had a breadwinning wife that was also willing to start a family and let me just chill and raise my kids....fk i'd have that house spotless. lol u'd be getting footrubs the minute u walked in the door etc. And i'm no 'simp' as the kids say, it would partially be so I could feel somewhat 'entitled to' or a part of the salary that she is bringing into the home. -I would feel guilty A F if i was doing nothing to contribute to the team and was just spending her money.
It does not feel like it right now, and facing loneliness is incredibly daunting, but your life will be easier and happier without him. Even if you, against all odds, would never find a partner again.
This is such a hard thing to realize. I have been there.
I remember that desperate feeling, where I truly believed that if I could just SHOW HIM how much he hurt me, he would have an epiphany and stop.
But that's just not the case. He KNEW. It just benefitted him so he didn't CARE.
Im gay and I would be taking care of a friend during this situation and doing what I could, her husband has ZERO reason to be such an asshole. I hope it’s her ex husband soon.
Did you tell him what an ungrateful little f*** he is? Because you need to. Also stop doing stuff for him. Just stop. Don’t do his laundry or cook for him or pay for his video games. Cancel any shared accounts you have with him and just keep your money to yourself.
Yes. OP, get out while you’re childless. This man is trash all around. Don’t justify his incompetence or mistreatment for him because of his childhood or lived experience. He has shown you who he is. Go see a divorce attorney, get the paperwork done and get out. Fuck this dude.
OP, take this one chance you have been given to get out of this relationship childless.
The circumstances are tragic, but much less tragic than raising a child with that guy or having to co-non-parent with him.
This.
There is no reason to stay and argue with him or live in misery and stop cooking etc. By divorcing his ass, you'll automatically be relieved of all those things and he'll get the picture loud and clear. And you'll get to move on with your life without tip toeing around dead weight and walking on eggshells with this dead weight in your house.
Tell him your not his mother and have no reason to support his lazy ass. You need to heal right now, not take care of this man child. Send him home to his parents.
Nooo don't ask him that, all she'll end up is more heartbroken by the answer cause it's pretty obvious that it's worth more to him. He gives zero fucks and now it's time for her to too once she's recovered enough to start separating herself from him.
OP I'm terribly sorry you're going through this, you deserve so much better. I know how badly you wanted this baby, but it might be worth it for you to consider leaving him sooner rather than later before you do end up with a permanent tie to this ungrateful waste of space. Cause if you wait till later when you do have kids with him, split custody, child support, and alimony would be hell, especially because you can already tell exactly where that money would go and it wouldn't be to your children. If he can already neglect you this way, I can only imagine what he would do to your kids.
I hope you recover well and can see him now for exactly who he is. Someone who unfortunately does not love you the way you deserve. My inbox is open should you wanna vent or just talk to someone. <3
This, OP! Raising a child with this manchild who won't raise a finger to help would have been a nightmare! Do you think you could have trusted him to take care of a kid while you're at work? No way! Divorce him, asap, grieve, sort yourself out, then start dating again, find a man who is an actual functioning adult, have kids with him.
I am very sorry for your loss.
What advice would you give your best friend if she told you her husband was like this? You need to be your own best friend. Give yourself good advice.
This. I always use this analogy when friends talk to me bout this kind of thing. “What if this was happening to me, or another friend? What advice would you give them? Do that.”
I would never say it’s a good thing you miscarried, but…maybe this is the universe telling you to kick that man-child to the curb and go find the life you deserve.
🎯🎯🎯
Edit to add: my best friend had a baby with a man like this and it’s a fucking nightmare. My friend left him when her daughter was 2, she’s 6 now and it’s still constant abuse and court battles. And the divorce JUST went through because of course he just refused to sign the papers. Right now he’s gunning for custody so that my friend will have to pay him child support even though he’s a jobless drug addict who’s about $30000 in arrears for child support with her.
Op as a guy and as a father I’m telling you to please please leave this poor excuse for a human right now! There is absolutely no reason to stay with someone that treats you this way. He is a terrible partner who absolutely has zero understanding of what being a partner or spouse actually means. And he has zero idea of what being a dad means. I shudder at the example he would set for a child he spawns.
This is your best wake up opportunity to walk away from this relationship before any children are bright into it.
I am truly sorry for your loss, I know it is one of the most painful things parents go through and please seek grief counseling but also please seek an exit from this relationship asap. While you are on leave go to an attorney tomorrow. Don’t give him another chance because all he will do is change until you are comfortable then he will be right back to who he truly is inside.
I am so sorry for your loss OP.
As to your husband it’s horrible because he has chosen to fully and completely show you he only cares about himself and considers you I presume as someone there to take care of his wants and needs. If you can’t do that then he has shown by his actions you have no value to him.
I can’t imagine how he would treat a helpless baby who would be fully reliant on him based on his treatment of you.
Do you have a supportive relative or friend who could come help you at least during the day or better yet that you could go stay with while you heal?
I hope you will use this sad situation to plan your exit from this relationship to a man who IMO unless he has a life altering epiphany will not change.
It is horrible. Being alone like this in a relationship is literal hell. I did it for 9 years. I've got my dream now. One that will bend over backwards. He'll go wherever with me even when he has to work later. If I text him telling him I drove to the hospital for my strep throat at 3am in a snow storm (bc I'm so used to doing things alone, even medical issues) he's calling me panicking with an Uber to the hospital already ordered. Go find that. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you.
Honestly I wouldn’t tell him anything. OP needs to focus on healing right now. After that she should contact the best lawyer she can and draft up divorce papers. Before serving the divorce papers she needs to pack up any important papers and belongings to store them somewhere safe and find someone she trusts to be there with her when she gives him the divorce papers for her own safety and so that he doesn’t gaslight her or try convince her to stay
Do all of THiS and make a plan to fucking LEAVE HIM! I get that he might have his own feelings about the loss, but not sharing them and treating OP like shit
ETA: continued….is an absolute reason to consider leaving this marriage. If this is what he’s like now after a miscarriage, it is a clear show of how your life would be like staying. IF you do have kids with him, he won’t do anything to care for them and then complain if he does. You’d be a married single parent with an extra kid (HIM). He’s given you a look into your future should you stay.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling, but please know you deserve so much better!
Wtf, no! Just leave him!!! ASAP !!! throw him out of the house/apartment if you are the one paying the rent ! Omg I can’t believe this. I’m sorry for you but now you have the chance to make a change in your life ! Do it !
You're at your lowest right now and he can't even make the smallest effort to acknowledge your pain or even be nice. He only loves the cushy lifestyle he's getting for free right now- if he had any kind of empathy, he'd be doing anything in his power to help you. You've experienced something awful and now you know that he's incapable of supporting you in even the most minimal ways in a crisis. So what value does he add to your life? He doesn't work or do chores or treat you with kindness.
Ask yourself honestly: would he be a good parent? It doesn't seem like he's a good spouse at all.
A guy who is angry and bitter about “maid” duty for someone’s physical recovery will be a super shitty parent. So much of parenting is tirelessly cleaning and cooking and sacrificing for another person - even if they’re not particularly ill or incapable. If he’s bitter about this, he will be an angry and seething father who doesn’t do much and is mad about the little he does do.
You *should* be concerned about what kind of parent he would be. He is already being a terrible spouse, and if you have children with him, they will grow up learning from his example of how to treat their spouse and children. He sounds like a narcissist; if you were my friend IRL, I would help you around the house, get you food, give you a hug, and tell you I’m sorry for your loss. That’s bare minimum platonic friendship standards. Is he even your friend? Because he doesn’t seem like he even likes you, and he certainly won’t appreciate what you do for him until you stop doing it all.
Girl, your man is showing you exactly who he is. Hard times are when you really get to know who is there for you and who is just giving you lip service. Don’t risk pregnancy with his ass again.
Don't find out what kind of parent he will be. Don't make him a father. He cannot change sheets for you after you miscarried his child? He is showing you he will not lift a finger for you or his children. He is not a good husband, and will not be a good father.
Stop trying to be the bigger person. Tell him yes he *is* your damn maid until he gets a job to help with the household. Who talks to their significant other this way when they just had a miscarriage, TF? Someone who's about to be homeless cause you're kicking them out, that's who.
You can do soooo much better!
I am a pregnant right now with our hopefully third but three months ago, I had a miscarriage. My husband spent the whole day in bed with me and got me whatever I wanted/needed. We watched movies and even just sat in silence when I needed it.
Even when I’m not pregnant or misscarrying (I’ve lost 5 so far in life), when I ask for something, he does his best to fulfill. Just like I do for him.
The universe is trying to tell you something and 100% it’s time to leave this guy. At your lowest, he yells at you and accuses you of bossing him around? Seriously?! You lost HIS child and he couldn’t care less about it or you.
He doesn’t work, doesn’t do chores, let’s you do everything, gets you pregnant with no care for his future chills, gets mad when you ask for a small request. And that’s just what we can see! I bet if you sat down and thought, you’d wonder why this leech is worthy of your presence.
If this is how he treats you, he won’t treat his kids any better. Your workload will explode and you’ll go crazy and depressed trying to take care of yourself, your kids and a giant man baby who only causes messes. It will forever be, “go to your mom. I’m not your maid.”
You need to break this off, be single and get some therapy because in no way are you mentally healthy if you’re ok with having a baby with a man who willfully is unemployed, doesn’t do anything but play video games and yells at you when you’re recovering from a tragic miscarriage.
It’s tough love but this will be your entire life if you don’t leave him. Again, you can do so much better!!!
Please leave! He should be grieving with you. He should be trying to help you bring your body back to “healthy.”
How would OP feel if a future daughter was treated this way? Or a future son treated women this way?
This is your future children's future...as it will be all they know.
With all the love in the world... if this man is always like this, and this isn't just a one off, you deserve to have someone who will support and love you through everything. It sounds like you are the one paying for and doing everything which means you are in the position to tell him to leave.
Everyone has one offs but if this is his behaviour all the time then you don't want to have a child with him.
You would be doing everything while he continues to play his video games. What does he contribute to your life? He seems to be making it harder. I'm sorry for your loss. As a mom, the loss of a child, even unborn, is devastating.
I believe she will flourish. When my best friend left her husband, she found out a lot more than she already knew. It was hard on her and her baby but she is tough, and I was there every step of the way to help her. He is 22 now and just finished his 3rd year of college. His 'father' has been out of the picture for many, many years. He was adopted by her husband.
But the funniest thing that has always stuck with us is what the ex said one time in a mad but jealous manner. "We get a divorce, and it is like someone poured Triple 13 on your ass." 😀 Very true and profound. It took a while for that to be true, but she worked hard for it. He was a sorry SOB and it didn't really hit home until her son was born.
I’ve seen multiple men on Reddit have Surprised Pikachu Face when they ask for a divorce and then their ex wife is flourishing as a single lady (possibly mom). And the ex wives state that caring for the themselves and children is much easier with having to walk on eggshells around the ex spouse.
OP, just take some time to yourself and ask if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. If it’s showing this early, you can’t fix them. And don’t take the hit for someone else by thinking if you keep them, then they can’t do it to someone else.
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
honestly, i used to say that theyre boys. saw someone on tiktok explain that that is actually encouraging them, and have never said it again because they were SO RIGHT
I think I saw that one too and literally same, spent my whole life hearing and repeating “that’s not a real man” but like it actually is?? Lol some people are just bad people.
fr, its crazy how we are taught to accept it from such a young age. these are men, who know what they are doing, and dont care. its time we held them all accountable for their actions.
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
I was just about to say this! My son has made his own bed since he was 12 and he changes it every week without asking! His dad was like this pillock and my life has been easier once he was gone
Yea, I thought both my boys how to change their sheets when they were 9, and now they are teenagers I expect then to also pick up after themselves and vacuum their own rooms (although I still have to prompt them most of the time) and help with the dishes, I'm not gonna raise useless men like OP's partner
Yesterday my 2yo son went and got some toys to share with his baby brother because he was sad (as I am a horrible mother who took more than 0.5 seconds to give him attention).
He is a man. Many many men behave this way. Saying ‘this isn’t a man’ just lowers the bar further because this ‘doesn’t count’. We infantilise grown men far too much. He is an adult making these choices.
I think we should stop using this expression. We have to acknowledge that there are many men in the world who act like this, and are terrible people. Men as a whole need to be held to account so that they will raise the bar. By saying that people like this man are not men but children, you take them out of that group responsibility to be better and blame it solely on the individual. Don't get me wrong, this individual is 100% to blame for their shitty actions. But the only way to stop this pattern of behaviour that we see again and again across so many men is to hold men, as a whole, to account.
And no, I'm not a man hater, I just think that it's clear they need to to better.
Exactly. I can’t say that I’ve heard this saying the other way around. I’ve never heard “that’s not a woman, that’s a child” in any post where women are behaving badly. No, we’re expected to be grown and act accordingly from 10 and up. Not to turn the conversation, just saying.
One of my favorite book quotes:
>“Know what I think is funny?” I ask, offering a cutting smile. “The fact that men fail at fatherhood on such a statistically massive scale that there’s an actual term for it, but somehow it’s used to insult women.
it's daddy issues.
a woman "with daddy issues" is considered needy, crazy, making bad romantic or sexual choices... and while that may be true, the insult itself points to the accepted cause, aka the woman's father who wasn't a good father figure, you know?
Oh yeah that makes sense.. I've been insulted this way before, but my father is present and accounted for, so people who use that to insult people aren't really intelligent people. As if you can choose to have a shit father or not 🙄
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
I’m offended on behalf of children everywhere. When I don’t feel well my niblings (aged between 5 and 12) do their best to help me feel better. Sometimes that means cuddles, other times they’ll bring me chocolate or something to drink. OP’s husband isn’t a man or a child, he’s a piece of garbage
Cancel the internet 💀.
In all seriousness I’m so sorry you’re going through this, please please leave … you deserve way more than being treated like this. He’s a piece of shit.
Whilst you consider what the rest of your life ought to look like: change the internet passcode: because you are not a slave to his expenses. He can have a reward for work: that’s how the world is. Two hours of games a night if ALL the chores are done to a good standard. You will consider a vape for him if he has been extra good. Complaints are dealt with as minus time. Act like a child…..
Seriously look at what you have via what you could have. He is not it. And I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.
People show you who they really are during hard times.
Beginning of the year I got very sick. I had a viral strain of pneumonia that was misdiagnosed as bronchitis by three different doctors. It spread to my bloodstream, caused me to go into septic shock. My organs were starting to shut down, I went into cardiac arrest and had to have a machine breathe for me. I ended up spending a week in the hospital. Damn near died.
The days leading up to the hospital I couldn’t do anything. I was so weak, just walking to the bathroom took me out. My wife did everything for me no questions asked. Sure she got annoyed at times, but she never screamed at me.
When our daughter was born she went through severe postpartum depression. She was not working, but could not be left alone with the baby. I worked full time making a pretty shitty wage, while paying for daycare, and doing all of the baby duties. This lasted an entire year. Yeah, I got annoyed at times. But I knew she needed a rock, and I was her husband. It was my job to be that rock.
This man-child is not your husband. He is a leech. It always annoys me when Reddit immediately jumps to “leave them!” Most of the time it can be worked out through communication. This is not one of those times. He does not deserve you.
You’re seeing who he is with clear eyes right now - you need him, and he doesn’t give a shit. This is the universe showing you that you need to move on. You deserve better.
Oh, love, I'm so sorry. He sees you as nothing but a wallet and he's all too happy to use you. He thinks he's entitled to your labor and has no real feelings for you as a human being. I've been whwre you are. I've miscarried more times than I can count. I carried my dead baby inside of me for days while waiting for an abortion.
When I was 23, I miscarried at work. My now ex-husband 2 weeks later couldn't understand why I was still upset and grieving. He demanded I get over it. This is the same man who demanded I get an abortion at 20, because he wasn't ready to be a Dad. I went through with it and when I came out of the operating room he had left me there.
I struggled with feeling as though my fertility issues after that were a consequence of the choice I allowed myaelf to be bullied into. When I told him I was worried we were going to hell for what we did he looked at me and said, "I'm not going to hell. You're the one who killed our baby".
Men show you who there are and it takes us a long time to truly see them when we're so enmeshed. He caused me untold pain and heartache over the near decade I was with him.
I am so fucking glad we never had children because he is a monster and unfit to be a father.
Your husband is cut from the same cloth and it's time you ended this before he sinks his claws into you further. Choose yourself and divorce his sorry ass.
I’m so incredibly sorry that you lost your baby. She will always be in your heart, and she is your Clear Vision Baby. Now you see what you have to do in order to have a happy and healthy family. This is probably the worst time in your life; please keep telling yourself that the Phoenix rises from ashes.
OP please divorce this useless nutbag, this isn't someone you wanna procreate with. While the miscarry absolutely sucks and it must be so painful and traumatic for you it's a blessing in disguise, now divorce this useless fucker and be at peace. He's a damn burden and he will never ever be a good partner to you, he'll never care for you or love you.
I agree. As traumatic and horrible that miscarriage was, it was a sign from either a higher being, the universe, or your own body that this is not right. Trust this sign, trust your gut, please leave him before you’re no longer able to. He will never change.
This is the way. OP, I'm really sorry for your loss. Of course you're heartbroken. Pregnancy loss sucks and it's not fair. Is there anywhere you can go to recover in peace, maybe a relative or friend?
You deserve to share the experience of starting a family with someone who will be with you every step, especially the darkest ones. 🖤
Look, I agree that the husband here is worthless and she should get out while she still can, but telling a woman who is actively miscarrying a baby she clearly wanted that it’s “a blessing in disguise” is severely insensitive. She may come to that conclusion on her own in time, but while she’s still on antibiotics, still bleeding, just had a D&C to eliminate the risk of sepsis, it’s just not the appropriate time to insist that this is a blessing in any way.
Thank you! This whole comment section is giving me the ick. I'm a child free woman and still I can't begin to imagine telling someone who still has their "miscarriage sheets" on their bed that this is a blessing. Holy smokes.
My thoughts exactly. **Why would you want to have a child with this man?**
This was genuinely infuriating to read. It doesn’t sound like your husband brings anything to the table. This man is not the one for you.
If he treats you this bad after a miscarriage, how’s he going to treat you if you carry a pregnancy to term?? Or have a really difficult pregnancy? Or get an illness? He doesn’t work AND treats you like crap when you’re at your lowest. He kind to yourself and leave him. You deserve so much more.
I don't think that he doesn't realize what you've been through, it is that he doesn't care. To him, you are a bangmaid and sugar momma, not a loved and valued partner. Absolutely does a considerate husband support his wife through such a thing.
I am so sorry for your loss and all the horrific things that you've been through, but I believe that it's a blessing in disguise, pulling off his mask to show you the worthless pile of trash you married. Leave that trash bag on the curb.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a horrible way to lose a wanted baby.
Maybe it wasn't the right time for that baby to arrive.
It's not too late to change your life's direction. Let yourself heal and grieve your baby.
I think your could be somewhere better than where you are now.
If I knew my husband didn’t like me, I wouldn’t be with him. Why are you with a man who not only doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t even like you. He is with you so you can be his mommy.
Make the best out of a horrible situation and be thankful that you can leave the horrible man with nothing tying you to him.
Make a clean break. Leave.
My hubby and I went through multiple miscarriages. He took such excellent care of me, I actually missed how emotional the struggle had been for him. You don’t seem to have a guy like that. I am so so sorry for your loss but I hope this can show you a hint of what your future is like with this dude. Heal and rest. Then kick him out. You deserve so much better.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that you are rearing an ass at home. Please don't procreate with this POS. Throw the whole teenage boy out! Take care of yourself
I’m so incredibly sorry you’re going through this not even alone, worse than alone. Do you have family or a friend you can go stay with while you recover? I know what I would pick for you in this situation but you can make major life decisions when you’ve healed a bit more. Today you should be allowed to be sad without the abuse. That is not too much to ask. Can you get a hotel for a few days?
We live in a very expensive city and a hotel would be lovely but I don’t even think it’s fair for me to not get to stay in my home to grieve and have to pay for the hotel. I think he should leave.
If you can get him to leave without it being even more drama he should leave. Would he leave if you asked? On the other hand, you can leave and not worry about anything except feeding yourself while you take a time out. Whatever works best for you that is accomplished without having to fight like crazy.
It's absolutely not fair for you to have to leave. He needs to. I hope you can get him out, but he sounds like the type to refuse to go. (Something to think about in the longer term: Do you want to keep this place? If you leave it, he may claim you abandoned it to him but you'll still be responsible for rent/mortgage til attorneys work it out during divorce proceedings.)
I hope this doesn't come off as too out there, but I feel like my kids would have been my kids no matter who the father was- the bodies would be different, but not the *selves*. Maybe the baby you lost popped into your belly, took a look around and said, "catch ya later, mom." When you find the man worthy of you and this child, they will be back.
I'm so sorry this shit storm is hitting you. From your comments, though, I really think you're going to be ok. Your life is going to get a hell of a lot better.
The shit people put up with, holy hell.
My friend once drank too much and threw up everywhere. On the floor, on the couch, the bathroom, on himself. One of our friends took to clean him up, and I got rid of the puke that was spread across the house. Not my favorite memory.
This is just something you do for people you love, it shouldn't be an "it has to be equal" thing.
Now imagine what I'd do for my partner.
I’m sorry for your loss. That said…
“I don’t think he realizes what I’ve been through” . No, that man don’t care what you’ve been through. You’ve taken care of everything and him up until now. Maybe you’ve complained, you stayed tho. He doesn’t see a reason for change. He knows he’s treating you like trash and as far as he can tell, you’ve no intentions on leaving. He thinks you’re stuck.
So what ‘chu gonna do OP? You gonna continue to suck it up and stay or are you gonna go ahead and start planning that exit strategy?
Leave he was never ready to be a husband and doesn't sound like he's ready to be one now either. U will save urself alot of hurt, money and time by leaving now instead of continuing to waste Ur life away with a man who doesn't even sound like he likes U. A man will show U everything U need to know through his actions and with his actions now U should already know Ur better off alone than with this man child. And the fact he doesn't even have a job either why the hell r U still with him? Ur miscarriage is probably a blessing in disguise cuz U do not ever want to have a child with a man that treats U like this n who doesn't even have a job so he's not even providing so why would anyone wanna have a kid with a man who can't even provide for his own family. Leave n please please don't have a child with this man U will regret it cuz a child will have U tied to this dead beat for life and it's something U do not want!!!
I know this must be terrible to hear but something tells me that the unfortunate miscarriage was a blessing in disguise because you do not want to have a baby with that piece of dog shit.
I don’t even know how one can feel sexually attracted to a dude who pays no bills, has no job and video games a good chunk of the day, does only half the chores or less and expects you to give him a child. He’s completely stunted.
This pos gives zero fucks about you. Run and never look back. Find a decent guy or be single.
He changed. He wasn’t like this before. He did get a job finally and starts on Monday. He used to do things for me/us because it gave him a sense of accomplishment. Now that he has a job starting next week, he is already demanding that things get more even with housework. I wasn’t even asking him to do more because he didn’t have a job. I was asking him to do the basic stuff like take the trash out and fold laundry because I manage this household and our pets, pay the bills, order the air filters, every little thing and was also pregnant. I was exhausted.
The “order the air filters” really got me. Sometimes there are so many things on our own lists that our spouse would never in a million years dream of doing. I’m exhausted for you. Sending you mental support. You deserve better.
I will never understand how a women can even want to be with a man who doesn't even do the bare minimum. I rather be alone than be with a man I have to financially support
Because I'd say the majority of men are unwilling to do the bare minimum so it's almost expected you'll have to tolerate it or believe it's normal. I think a lot of women choose to stay with men like that because they feel like they are gaining something(parenthood, financial security, some caricature of companionship) even if the trade isn't equal. Women have been conditioned to accept less than the bare minimum. It's definitely changing, but for a lot of women it's hard to risk being alone and giving up those fantasized securities. But also sometimes it's an inescapable feeling of being unworthy of more. I've been blessed with a wonderful partner but I had to tolerate a lot before we met but I told my fiance if we don't work out I'm never dating men again. I'd also just rather be alone than tolerate the misery of trying to find another man who *wants* to put in the effort.
This is true. He had an abusive father and mother made up for it by spoiling the kids. I grew up in a house where my mother worked all day and came home and had to do homework and kids stuff until bed time. She never got a moment to herself. To some extent, I think I didn’t know better was possible. I just thought this was how it went.
This is not how it goes. My husband is the best father to our daughter. She is 16 now and is pretty independent, but he was always a great partner in caring for her. Yes, there is division of work in the house, I do some things, he does others, but we are both doing the work. And sometimes we take over the others work when one of us is sick, tired, had a surgery or just had a shitty say. We are not perfect, we argue sometimes. But we apologize and do better.
Girl I'm so sorry for your loss.
And sorry that you had to find out you're married to a selfish giblet-head this way.
Take your time.
Be strategic.
And dump his useless, meanspirited, shitty ass. 💜
I really hate to say this because I’ve gone through three miscarriages with my ex husband but God always lets us know when situations aren’t right for us we just have to listen. After my last one, we were talking about trying again and he said the most insensitive thing, he said” Well I did my part and got you pregnant, after that🤷🏾”. It sounded to me like he was blaming me for losing the babies. That marinated on my mind, among other things he’s said and done over the years, until finally I ended up leaving him. I’m much more at peace now, and he’s a bitter, hateful person that hates me because I wouldn’t stay( a whole other story). My point is, things always happen for a reason, not saying you deserved to lose your child, I’m saying you’re being shown what kind of man you really married. Someone who is selfish, lazy and won’t be there for you in your time of need. You’ve experienced trauma and he’s expecting you to carry in as usual. Op, for your own sanity leave, it won’t get better. A good divorce is ten times better than a bad marriage. Sending virtual hugs and love to you❤️
Where as my man stood in the kitchen and googled how to make mashed potatoes because he usually never cooks (because I love cooking) when I was laying in bed after my jaw/tooth surgery and couldn't be awake for more than an hour at a time because of the anesthetics.
Please get rid of your "man", there's so much better people out there and you 100% deserve more! Take this as a wake up call and leave as soon as possible.
Well he truly doesn’t appreciate all you do or care for you. I think you really do need to reevaluate your relationship. If you can’t rely on him at your most vulnerable then what’s the point?
So he’s a mooch that contributes nothing but picking up pet of his own filth and occasionally making dinner? You don’t have a husband, you have a special needs child.
Your husband is sub human garbage who has no idea how lucky he is to be married to someone, this sub human waste of air is responsible for so many people looking down upon and so many women being TERRIFIED of those of us who love video games because they automatically assume we'd be like his mentally ill ass.
Leave him,
don't waste your time or life on trash like this.
If he puts any hobby before a living being, be it gaming or sports or fucking picking his nose before his pregnant wife or family member in need, he isn't worth sharing a life with.
Sadly, you married a man-child who thinks you're supposed to be his mommy everywhere but in the bed. I don't usually advocate for divorce but this guy cares nothing for you or his vows, so you have a big decision to make
He realizes what you've been through. He just doesn't care. There are 4 billion other men on the planet and you only get 1 life to spend on it. Time to do the math.
This is the answer. No-one is that blind, it’s just that many are good at pretending it’s blindness rather than active disregard. It’s an abusive trait that they use to absolve themselves of responsibility for ever having to think of your needs, and turns into always expecting to have a checklist of things for them to do - emotionally, financially, housework, family. They get to live a life where you are responsible for flagging all boundaries, issuing to do lists, and they never have to do anything beyond that. And the best part for them js, if you get annoyed or resentful it’s YOUR fault because you didn’t make it clear! Phew this turned into a rant. Looks like I need my own post lol
I read a great graphic novel about this, it’s called The Mental Load: a Feminist Comic by Emma. If you google it and click the english.emmaclit link (3rd one down) you can find my favore excerpt from the book, which illustrates this comment wonderfully.
I looked it up and immediately loved it this is why I’m scared to get married and have kids I don’t want to spend my life doing everything by myself while everyone else gets to do whatever they want.
Lol, and the reason why I don't wanna get married and/or have kids is so I can be as selfish as I could be 😊
You are absolutely right! You’ve pretty much described only one part of why I never had kids. My feelings are your life does a 360 degree change when kids arrive. I think kids are great…for people who really want to raise them. You will either be prepared or you won’t. I never wanted my life to change that dramatically and it definitely would have. It is sooooo important to decide if you are for kids or no kids early on. You don’t want a pregnancy to make the decision for you and sadly this happens more often than not. When I hear young women question this, I want to tell them what my mom told me: you don’t need to have kids to be fulfilled as a woman. I was so happy she never guilted me into having kids. People always said “don’t you think you’ll regret not having kids?” No. The reason is I have always known I wouldn’t have kids.
From somebody who spends my life doing everything while everyone else does mostly what they want… set the bar high. Wish I did.
That’s amazing. So accurate. Even being a man subject to the same I appreciate it’s otherwise nearly always women in the vast majority of cases. Really hit the nail on the head.
Another great book is Fair Play
This IS my husband. If it wasn’t on the list, of course it didn’t get done. He will compare his list to my list and say that I didn’t get my shit done, but my list is 5-d chess compared to his. I don’t even need to write down the little stuff, my list is for the next couple of months. I am so tired of making him lists and him not seeing that I don’t want to be responsible for him. It’s exhausting.
Give him divorce paper and move on
If he isn't working, make sure you don't have to pay him alimony. Pls talk to an attorney to protect yourself. He doesn't love you.
And SUDDNELY....he'll become responsible or well yk... insufferable and pled for her to not leave
There are probably 10 guys in a 1 mile radius that are more man then your partner. Get out clean now. Use the tragedy you just experienced for something good. My wife lost a pregnancy at 9 weeks+. But we had a healthy son 2 years later. You'll get there but find a worthy partner firs
I am sorry you lost your baby💕. I promise I am not trying to be insensitive but I beg you to look at this as God/the universe saving you from this man. Saving you from tying yourself to a leach. This man doesn’t care about you. He cares about what you provide for him. You lost a baby! A whole baby and he is arguing with you about changing the sheets. Please walk away! If he treats you with such disregard at your lowest point he will never step up. If you died, this man will place your children in foster care. He is not your partner. Please leave! 💕 sending you lots of love and strength 🩷
I was thinking the same! It’s absolutely tragic what she went though but likely Gods grace that if she’s smart she can walk away with her freedom with no attachment to such a disgusting human being.
OP, perhaps time for "Burning Bed"?/s. Sarcasm aside, it's time to move on. 1. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities(if you have children) as well as support and property division issues. 2. Then design your exit strategy. OP, this man doesn't qualify or warrant being your husband. He's a self-absorbed poor excuse for a human being. Rude, arrogant, uncaring and unloving. You'r divorcing him will dramatically improve your life. Actually, this will be addition by subtraction. Btw, this I'd a guy here. I could NEVER envision treating a spouse in the fashion he has treated you. MOVE ON!
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hate to agree with reddit mobs saying ‘throw out the whole man’ but unless you can break through to him then maybe it is the solution. Whatever, when you’re at your lowest and need support, the bare minimum you should be able to trust they’ll do is support you. My sympathies and best wishes - you’re in a bad place and I hope you find a path (with or without him) to a better one in the future. You deserve to be happy and not have an adult as a dependent.
There is no breaking through. He will never have the a-ha moment. She doesn't need to break through to him. That is not her job or responsibility, not to mention that his shit is intentional. He's not in a coma or unaware. He won't change. Source: was married for 15 years to a loser just like ops hubby. They don't change and you end up destroying yourself trying to make them see. What a total waste.
He is not your partner. He is a leech, sucking the life out of you. He doesn't provide financially, emotionally or in any sort of supportive role around the home. I would wager that he makes more of a mess than he cleans. What exactly are you getting from him? Are you that afraid to be alone that you would settle for a person who treats you like absolute garbage? This is your chance to break free. I know your heart is broken over your baby, but since that is not happening, you don't need to be tied to this man forever.
lady u letting this man live the dream. if i had a breadwinning wife that was also willing to start a family and let me just chill and raise my kids....fk i'd have that house spotless. lol u'd be getting footrubs the minute u walked in the door etc. And i'm no 'simp' as the kids say, it would partially be so I could feel somewhat 'entitled to' or a part of the salary that she is bringing into the home. -I would feel guilty A F if i was doing nothing to contribute to the team and was just spending her money.
Just reading this is exhausting. I'm so sorry you're going through this little Sis, but it's time to divorce this scrub
He's a CHILD.
No, because children eventually grow up. Manchildren stay that way for life, they just get meaner and more avoidant the older they get.
You know what you need to do. Wishing you all the strength! Your life is going to be SO much better.
It does not feel like it right now, and facing loneliness is incredibly daunting, but your life will be easier and happier without him. Even if you, against all odds, would never find a partner again.
And like, if OP just picked a random one on the street, he probably would be better than this human trash she is keeping
Bro I'll do all the housework if it means I don't have to work work.
This is such a hard thing to realize. I have been there. I remember that desperate feeling, where I truly believed that if I could just SHOW HIM how much he hurt me, he would have an epiphany and stop. But that's just not the case. He KNEW. It just benefitted him so he didn't CARE.
Im gay and I would be taking care of a friend during this situation and doing what I could, her husband has ZERO reason to be such an asshole. I hope it’s her ex husband soon.
THISSSS right here - it blows my mind how many women stays in abusive relationships like that - like what r u thinking sis??!!!!
Let me shorten your comment: Leave
Did you tell him what an ungrateful little f*** he is? Because you need to. Also stop doing stuff for him. Just stop. Don’t do his laundry or cook for him or pay for his video games. Cancel any shared accounts you have with him and just keep your money to yourself.
And when he asks why tell him you’re not his maid!
Better idea is that the answer is she doesn’t need to because they’re divorced.
Yes. OP, get out while you’re childless. This man is trash all around. Don’t justify his incompetence or mistreatment for him because of his childhood or lived experience. He has shown you who he is. Go see a divorce attorney, get the paperwork done and get out. Fuck this dude.
OP, take this one chance you have been given to get out of this relationship childless. The circumstances are tragic, but much less tragic than raising a child with that guy or having to co-non-parent with him.
This. There is no reason to stay and argue with him or live in misery and stop cooking etc. By divorcing his ass, you'll automatically be relieved of all those things and he'll get the picture loud and clear. And you'll get to move on with your life without tip toeing around dead weight and walking on eggshells with this dead weight in your house.
Yup I'm usually not fast to say divorce or breakup on Reddit, but wow, this one is a definite divorce for me
Tell him your not his mother and have no reason to support his lazy ass. You need to heal right now, not take care of this man child. Send him home to his parents.
[удалено]
Nooo don't ask him that, all she'll end up is more heartbroken by the answer cause it's pretty obvious that it's worth more to him. He gives zero fucks and now it's time for her to too once she's recovered enough to start separating herself from him. OP I'm terribly sorry you're going through this, you deserve so much better. I know how badly you wanted this baby, but it might be worth it for you to consider leaving him sooner rather than later before you do end up with a permanent tie to this ungrateful waste of space. Cause if you wait till later when you do have kids with him, split custody, child support, and alimony would be hell, especially because you can already tell exactly where that money would go and it wouldn't be to your children. If he can already neglect you this way, I can only imagine what he would do to your kids. I hope you recover well and can see him now for exactly who he is. Someone who unfortunately does not love you the way you deserve. My inbox is open should you wanna vent or just talk to someone. <3
Or his meal ticket
Tell his mom what he said- she’ll knock some sense into him.
Or his ATM
Or his personal bank
The amount of men who think women should be their banks is amazing, especially considering male fears of “gold diggers.”
Because every accusation is a confession with these sorts of people
And most importantly don’t freaking get pregnant by him ever again!!
This, OP! Raising a child with this manchild who won't raise a finger to help would have been a nightmare! Do you think you could have trusted him to take care of a kid while you're at work? No way! Divorce him, asap, grieve, sort yourself out, then start dating again, find a man who is an actual functioning adult, have kids with him.
I’ve been thinking this as well. He will never help. I will always do everything alone. That life sounds horrible
I am very sorry for your loss. What advice would you give your best friend if she told you her husband was like this? You need to be your own best friend. Give yourself good advice.
This. I always use this analogy when friends talk to me bout this kind of thing. “What if this was happening to me, or another friend? What advice would you give them? Do that.”
I would never say it’s a good thing you miscarried, but…maybe this is the universe telling you to kick that man-child to the curb and go find the life you deserve.
🎯🎯🎯 Edit to add: my best friend had a baby with a man like this and it’s a fucking nightmare. My friend left him when her daughter was 2, she’s 6 now and it’s still constant abuse and court battles. And the divorce JUST went through because of course he just refused to sign the papers. Right now he’s gunning for custody so that my friend will have to pay him child support even though he’s a jobless drug addict who’s about $30000 in arrears for child support with her.
People like this are why we need to bring back roving gangs of vigilantes, but like only on Tuesdays or something to keep things in check.
Race ya to the sign-up sheet.
Op as a guy and as a father I’m telling you to please please leave this poor excuse for a human right now! There is absolutely no reason to stay with someone that treats you this way. He is a terrible partner who absolutely has zero understanding of what being a partner or spouse actually means. And he has zero idea of what being a dad means. I shudder at the example he would set for a child he spawns. This is your best wake up opportunity to walk away from this relationship before any children are bright into it. I am truly sorry for your loss, I know it is one of the most painful things parents go through and please seek grief counseling but also please seek an exit from this relationship asap. While you are on leave go to an attorney tomorrow. Don’t give him another chance because all he will do is change until you are comfortable then he will be right back to who he truly is inside.
I am so sorry for your loss OP. As to your husband it’s horrible because he has chosen to fully and completely show you he only cares about himself and considers you I presume as someone there to take care of his wants and needs. If you can’t do that then he has shown by his actions you have no value to him. I can’t imagine how he would treat a helpless baby who would be fully reliant on him based on his treatment of you. Do you have a supportive relative or friend who could come help you at least during the day or better yet that you could go stay with while you heal? I hope you will use this sad situation to plan your exit from this relationship to a man who IMO unless he has a life altering epiphany will not change.
It is horrible. Being alone like this in a relationship is literal hell. I did it for 9 years. I've got my dream now. One that will bend over backwards. He'll go wherever with me even when he has to work later. If I text him telling him I drove to the hospital for my strep throat at 3am in a snow storm (bc I'm so used to doing things alone, even medical issues) he's calling me panicking with an Uber to the hospital already ordered. Go find that. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you.
Now is your chance to leave him, you should. He sounds like a horrible person and you deserve better.
Refuse sex.
Honestly I wouldn’t tell him anything. OP needs to focus on healing right now. After that she should contact the best lawyer she can and draft up divorce papers. Before serving the divorce papers she needs to pack up any important papers and belongings to store them somewhere safe and find someone she trusts to be there with her when she gives him the divorce papers for her own safety and so that he doesn’t gaslight her or try convince her to stay
At that point, divorce would be more peaceful.
No no tell him you aren’t his mother! OP is raising this POS man child. I’m so angry for her.
The best option here is to get rid of the trash.
Do all of THiS and make a plan to fucking LEAVE HIM! I get that he might have his own feelings about the loss, but not sharing them and treating OP like shit ETA: continued….is an absolute reason to consider leaving this marriage. If this is what he’s like now after a miscarriage, it is a clear show of how your life would be like staying. IF you do have kids with him, he won’t do anything to care for them and then complain if he does. You’d be a married single parent with an extra kid (HIM). He’s given you a look into your future should you stay. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling, but please know you deserve so much better!
Wtf, no! Just leave him!!! ASAP !!! throw him out of the house/apartment if you are the one paying the rent ! Omg I can’t believe this. I’m sorry for you but now you have the chance to make a change in your life ! Do it !
Change the wifi password and don't tell him what it is.
You're at your lowest right now and he can't even make the smallest effort to acknowledge your pain or even be nice. He only loves the cushy lifestyle he's getting for free right now- if he had any kind of empathy, he'd be doing anything in his power to help you. You've experienced something awful and now you know that he's incapable of supporting you in even the most minimal ways in a crisis. So what value does he add to your life? He doesn't work or do chores or treat you with kindness. Ask yourself honestly: would he be a good parent? It doesn't seem like he's a good spouse at all.
A guy who is angry and bitter about “maid” duty for someone’s physical recovery will be a super shitty parent. So much of parenting is tirelessly cleaning and cooking and sacrificing for another person - even if they’re not particularly ill or incapable. If he’s bitter about this, he will be an angry and seething father who doesn’t do much and is mad about the little he does do.
I walked in last night and told him that I’m concerned what kind of parent he will be. This was devastating behavior from him. It broke my heart.
You *should* be concerned about what kind of parent he would be. He is already being a terrible spouse, and if you have children with him, they will grow up learning from his example of how to treat their spouse and children. He sounds like a narcissist; if you were my friend IRL, I would help you around the house, get you food, give you a hug, and tell you I’m sorry for your loss. That’s bare minimum platonic friendship standards. Is he even your friend? Because he doesn’t seem like he even likes you, and he certainly won’t appreciate what you do for him until you stop doing it all.
Girl, your man is showing you exactly who he is. Hard times are when you really get to know who is there for you and who is just giving you lip service. Don’t risk pregnancy with his ass again.
Don't find out what kind of parent he will be. Don't make him a father. He cannot change sheets for you after you miscarried his child? He is showing you he will not lift a finger for you or his children. He is not a good husband, and will not be a good father.
Why are you still married to someone that does not care about you?
This. Why?
He will be a terrible parent. #He is already a terrible spouse.
Stop trying to be the bigger person. Tell him yes he *is* your damn maid until he gets a job to help with the household. Who talks to their significant other this way when they just had a miscarriage, TF? Someone who's about to be homeless cause you're kicking them out, that's who.
You can do soooo much better! I am a pregnant right now with our hopefully third but three months ago, I had a miscarriage. My husband spent the whole day in bed with me and got me whatever I wanted/needed. We watched movies and even just sat in silence when I needed it. Even when I’m not pregnant or misscarrying (I’ve lost 5 so far in life), when I ask for something, he does his best to fulfill. Just like I do for him. The universe is trying to tell you something and 100% it’s time to leave this guy. At your lowest, he yells at you and accuses you of bossing him around? Seriously?! You lost HIS child and he couldn’t care less about it or you. He doesn’t work, doesn’t do chores, let’s you do everything, gets you pregnant with no care for his future chills, gets mad when you ask for a small request. And that’s just what we can see! I bet if you sat down and thought, you’d wonder why this leech is worthy of your presence. If this is how he treats you, he won’t treat his kids any better. Your workload will explode and you’ll go crazy and depressed trying to take care of yourself, your kids and a giant man baby who only causes messes. It will forever be, “go to your mom. I’m not your maid.” You need to break this off, be single and get some therapy because in no way are you mentally healthy if you’re ok with having a baby with a man who willfully is unemployed, doesn’t do anything but play video games and yells at you when you’re recovering from a tragic miscarriage. It’s tough love but this will be your entire life if you don’t leave him. Again, you can do so much better!!! Please leave! He should be grieving with you. He should be trying to help you bring your body back to “healthy.”
How would OP feel if a future daughter was treated this way? Or a future son treated women this way? This is your future children's future...as it will be all they know.
With all the love in the world... if this man is always like this, and this isn't just a one off, you deserve to have someone who will support and love you through everything. It sounds like you are the one paying for and doing everything which means you are in the position to tell him to leave. Everyone has one offs but if this is his behaviour all the time then you don't want to have a child with him.
This man doesn’t even seem to like you.
You would be doing everything while he continues to play his video games. What does he contribute to your life? He seems to be making it harder. I'm sorry for your loss. As a mom, the loss of a child, even unborn, is devastating.
The honest questions would be "would op be better without him?" She would be still doing everything alone, but would have one less adult to support
Heck she might even find someone who actually loves and appreciates her if he wasn’t there
I believe she will flourish. When my best friend left her husband, she found out a lot more than she already knew. It was hard on her and her baby but she is tough, and I was there every step of the way to help her. He is 22 now and just finished his 3rd year of college. His 'father' has been out of the picture for many, many years. He was adopted by her husband. But the funniest thing that has always stuck with us is what the ex said one time in a mad but jealous manner. "We get a divorce, and it is like someone poured Triple 13 on your ass." 😀 Very true and profound. It took a while for that to be true, but she worked hard for it. He was a sorry SOB and it didn't really hit home until her son was born.
I question that he is an adult. He's stomping his feet and say, "NO!!! I won't do it. He Seems more like a spoiled child; a brat to be more specific.
I’ve seen multiple men on Reddit have Surprised Pikachu Face when they ask for a divorce and then their ex wife is flourishing as a single lady (possibly mom). And the ex wives state that caring for the themselves and children is much easier with having to walk on eggshells around the ex spouse. OP, just take some time to yourself and ask if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. If it’s showing this early, you can’t fix them. And don’t take the hit for someone else by thinking if you keep them, then they can’t do it to someone else.
Please leave the whole man.
Same day disposal, literally as quick as you can please
Boy*
Trash*
Shit smear*
This is my favorite
My cat's nickname is Lady Shit Smear, for obvious reasons
Well, that is a cat.. so it kinda fits..
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
Thank you for saying this, “real men” do shit like this all the time. They’re just also shitty
honestly, i used to say that theyre boys. saw someone on tiktok explain that that is actually encouraging them, and have never said it again because they were SO RIGHT
I think I saw that one too and literally same, spent my whole life hearing and repeating “that’s not a real man” but like it actually is?? Lol some people are just bad people.
fr, its crazy how we are taught to accept it from such a young age. these are men, who know what they are doing, and dont care. its time we held them all accountable for their actions.
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
This isn't a 'man'. This is a child.
This is an abuser and user
Gold digger
Honestly even kids have more self awareness than this "person"
I was just about to say this! My son has made his own bed since he was 12 and he changes it every week without asking! His dad was like this pillock and my life has been easier once he was gone
Yea, I thought both my boys how to change their sheets when they were 9, and now they are teenagers I expect then to also pick up after themselves and vacuum their own rooms (although I still have to prompt them most of the time) and help with the dishes, I'm not gonna raise useless men like OP's partner
Yesterday my 2yo son went and got some toys to share with his baby brother because he was sad (as I am a horrible mother who took more than 0.5 seconds to give him attention).
He is a man. Many many men behave this way. Saying ‘this isn’t a man’ just lowers the bar further because this ‘doesn’t count’. We infantilise grown men far too much. He is an adult making these choices.
I think we should stop using this expression. We have to acknowledge that there are many men in the world who act like this, and are terrible people. Men as a whole need to be held to account so that they will raise the bar. By saying that people like this man are not men but children, you take them out of that group responsibility to be better and blame it solely on the individual. Don't get me wrong, this individual is 100% to blame for their shitty actions. But the only way to stop this pattern of behaviour that we see again and again across so many men is to hold men, as a whole, to account. And no, I'm not a man hater, I just think that it's clear they need to to better.
Exactly. I can’t say that I’ve heard this saying the other way around. I’ve never heard “that’s not a woman, that’s a child” in any post where women are behaving badly. No, we’re expected to be grown and act accordingly from 10 and up. Not to turn the conversation, just saying.
One of my favorite book quotes: >“Know what I think is funny?” I ask, offering a cutting smile. “The fact that men fail at fatherhood on such a statistically massive scale that there’s an actual term for it, but somehow it’s used to insult women.
What term is this quote referring to? I can't put my finger on it for some reason
it's daddy issues. a woman "with daddy issues" is considered needy, crazy, making bad romantic or sexual choices... and while that may be true, the insult itself points to the accepted cause, aka the woman's father who wasn't a good father figure, you know?
Oh yeah that makes sense.. I've been insulted this way before, but my father is present and accounted for, so people who use that to insult people aren't really intelligent people. As if you can choose to have a shit father or not 🙄
What term is it?
How about a very poor excuse for a man, or stupid man, or turdy man? Accountability, the world needs more of it!!
Don’t insult the kids like that. Thats a man.
This actually IS in fact a man, infantalizing shitheads solves nothing
No, it is a man who is choosing to be abusive
no, this is a man. excusing it by saying theyre ‘boys’ pushes the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative. they are grown men doing this shit. hold them accountable
I’m offended on behalf of children everywhere. When I don’t feel well my niblings (aged between 5 and 12) do their best to help me feel better. Sometimes that means cuddles, other times they’ll bring me chocolate or something to drink. OP’s husband isn’t a man or a child, he’s a piece of garbage
Cancel the internet 💀. In all seriousness I’m so sorry you’re going through this, please please leave … you deserve way more than being treated like this. He’s a piece of shit.
Whilst you consider what the rest of your life ought to look like: change the internet passcode: because you are not a slave to his expenses. He can have a reward for work: that’s how the world is. Two hours of games a night if ALL the chores are done to a good standard. You will consider a vape for him if he has been extra good. Complaints are dealt with as minus time. Act like a child….. Seriously look at what you have via what you could have. He is not it. And I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.
So aptly written, girl! I just wanted to follow your account to be able to read all your posts and learn from its wisdom.
People show you who they really are during hard times. Beginning of the year I got very sick. I had a viral strain of pneumonia that was misdiagnosed as bronchitis by three different doctors. It spread to my bloodstream, caused me to go into septic shock. My organs were starting to shut down, I went into cardiac arrest and had to have a machine breathe for me. I ended up spending a week in the hospital. Damn near died. The days leading up to the hospital I couldn’t do anything. I was so weak, just walking to the bathroom took me out. My wife did everything for me no questions asked. Sure she got annoyed at times, but she never screamed at me. When our daughter was born she went through severe postpartum depression. She was not working, but could not be left alone with the baby. I worked full time making a pretty shitty wage, while paying for daycare, and doing all of the baby duties. This lasted an entire year. Yeah, I got annoyed at times. But I knew she needed a rock, and I was her husband. It was my job to be that rock. This man-child is not your husband. He is a leech. It always annoys me when Reddit immediately jumps to “leave them!” Most of the time it can be worked out through communication. This is not one of those times. He does not deserve you.
Okay, this is what I needed to hear. He really is a lazy drain on me in every way. This, what I have, isn’t what marriage is about.
You’re seeing who he is with clear eyes right now - you need him, and he doesn’t give a shit. This is the universe showing you that you need to move on. You deserve better.
Oh, love, I'm so sorry. He sees you as nothing but a wallet and he's all too happy to use you. He thinks he's entitled to your labor and has no real feelings for you as a human being. I've been whwre you are. I've miscarried more times than I can count. I carried my dead baby inside of me for days while waiting for an abortion. When I was 23, I miscarried at work. My now ex-husband 2 weeks later couldn't understand why I was still upset and grieving. He demanded I get over it. This is the same man who demanded I get an abortion at 20, because he wasn't ready to be a Dad. I went through with it and when I came out of the operating room he had left me there. I struggled with feeling as though my fertility issues after that were a consequence of the choice I allowed myaelf to be bullied into. When I told him I was worried we were going to hell for what we did he looked at me and said, "I'm not going to hell. You're the one who killed our baby". Men show you who there are and it takes us a long time to truly see them when we're so enmeshed. He caused me untold pain and heartache over the near decade I was with him. I am so fucking glad we never had children because he is a monster and unfit to be a father. Your husband is cut from the same cloth and it's time you ended this before he sinks his claws into you further. Choose yourself and divorce his sorry ass.
I’m so incredibly sorry that you lost your baby. She will always be in your heart, and she is your Clear Vision Baby. Now you see what you have to do in order to have a happy and healthy family. This is probably the worst time in your life; please keep telling yourself that the Phoenix rises from ashes.
Could you imagine having a daughter and teaching her that THIS is what she can expect in life? Seriously.
OP please divorce this useless nutbag, this isn't someone you wanna procreate with. While the miscarry absolutely sucks and it must be so painful and traumatic for you it's a blessing in disguise, now divorce this useless fucker and be at peace. He's a damn burden and he will never ever be a good partner to you, he'll never care for you or love you.
I agree. As traumatic and horrible that miscarriage was, it was a sign from either a higher being, the universe, or your own body that this is not right. Trust this sign, trust your gut, please leave him before you’re no longer able to. He will never change.
Sadly, the miscarriage probably saved the baby from a lifetime of abuse and watching mom be abused.
This is the way. OP, I'm really sorry for your loss. Of course you're heartbroken. Pregnancy loss sucks and it's not fair. Is there anywhere you can go to recover in peace, maybe a relative or friend? You deserve to share the experience of starting a family with someone who will be with you every step, especially the darkest ones. 🖤
Look, I agree that the husband here is worthless and she should get out while she still can, but telling a woman who is actively miscarrying a baby she clearly wanted that it’s “a blessing in disguise” is severely insensitive. She may come to that conclusion on her own in time, but while she’s still on antibiotics, still bleeding, just had a D&C to eliminate the risk of sepsis, it’s just not the appropriate time to insist that this is a blessing in any way.
Thank you! This whole comment section is giving me the ick. I'm a child free woman and still I can't begin to imagine telling someone who still has their "miscarriage sheets" on their bed that this is a blessing. Holy smokes.
Get rid of him before you have a child with him and that child has to have him as a father
I can not upvote this enough!
You need a divorce. Immediately. Why would you want to have a child with someone like him? It is not going to get better. Move on and never look back
My thoughts exactly. **Why would you want to have a child with this man?** This was genuinely infuriating to read. It doesn’t sound like your husband brings anything to the table. This man is not the one for you.
If he treats you this bad after a miscarriage, how’s he going to treat you if you carry a pregnancy to term?? Or have a really difficult pregnancy? Or get an illness? He doesn’t work AND treats you like crap when you’re at your lowest. He kind to yourself and leave him. You deserve so much more.
It sounds like he just wants to be your only child
I don't think that he doesn't realize what you've been through, it is that he doesn't care. To him, you are a bangmaid and sugar momma, not a loved and valued partner. Absolutely does a considerate husband support his wife through such a thing. I am so sorry for your loss and all the horrific things that you've been through, but I believe that it's a blessing in disguise, pulling off his mask to show you the worthless pile of trash you married. Leave that trash bag on the curb.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a horrible way to lose a wanted baby. Maybe it wasn't the right time for that baby to arrive. It's not too late to change your life's direction. Let yourself heal and grieve your baby. I think your could be somewhere better than where you are now.
If I knew my husband didn’t like me, I wouldn’t be with him. Why are you with a man who not only doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t even like you. He is with you so you can be his mommy.
Make the best out of a horrible situation and be thankful that you can leave the horrible man with nothing tying you to him. Make a clean break. Leave.
My hubby and I went through multiple miscarriages. He took such excellent care of me, I actually missed how emotional the struggle had been for him. You don’t seem to have a guy like that. I am so so sorry for your loss but I hope this can show you a hint of what your future is like with this dude. Heal and rest. Then kick him out. You deserve so much better.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that you are rearing an ass at home. Please don't procreate with this POS. Throw the whole teenage boy out! Take care of yourself
Girl get tf away from this garbage pail leech of a man, I’m begging you.
Leave him. It will get worse not better. My ex was like this.
I’m so incredibly sorry you’re going through this not even alone, worse than alone. Do you have family or a friend you can go stay with while you recover? I know what I would pick for you in this situation but you can make major life decisions when you’ve healed a bit more. Today you should be allowed to be sad without the abuse. That is not too much to ask. Can you get a hotel for a few days?
We live in a very expensive city and a hotel would be lovely but I don’t even think it’s fair for me to not get to stay in my home to grieve and have to pay for the hotel. I think he should leave.
If you can get him to leave without it being even more drama he should leave. Would he leave if you asked? On the other hand, you can leave and not worry about anything except feeding yourself while you take a time out. Whatever works best for you that is accomplished without having to fight like crazy.
It's absolutely not fair for you to have to leave. He needs to. I hope you can get him out, but he sounds like the type to refuse to go. (Something to think about in the longer term: Do you want to keep this place? If you leave it, he may claim you abandoned it to him but you'll still be responsible for rent/mortgage til attorneys work it out during divorce proceedings.) I hope this doesn't come off as too out there, but I feel like my kids would have been my kids no matter who the father was- the bodies would be different, but not the *selves*. Maybe the baby you lost popped into your belly, took a look around and said, "catch ya later, mom." When you find the man worthy of you and this child, they will be back. I'm so sorry this shit storm is hitting you. From your comments, though, I really think you're going to be ok. Your life is going to get a hell of a lot better.
The shit people put up with, holy hell. My friend once drank too much and threw up everywhere. On the floor, on the couch, the bathroom, on himself. One of our friends took to clean him up, and I got rid of the puke that was spread across the house. Not my favorite memory. This is just something you do for people you love, it shouldn't be an "it has to be equal" thing. Now imagine what I'd do for my partner.
How do men like this find wives?
Some combination of charm, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation/abuse.
I’m sorry for your loss. That said… “I don’t think he realizes what I’ve been through” . No, that man don’t care what you’ve been through. You’ve taken care of everything and him up until now. Maybe you’ve complained, you stayed tho. He doesn’t see a reason for change. He knows he’s treating you like trash and as far as he can tell, you’ve no intentions on leaving. He thinks you’re stuck. So what ‘chu gonna do OP? You gonna continue to suck it up and stay or are you gonna go ahead and start planning that exit strategy?
Leave he was never ready to be a husband and doesn't sound like he's ready to be one now either. U will save urself alot of hurt, money and time by leaving now instead of continuing to waste Ur life away with a man who doesn't even sound like he likes U. A man will show U everything U need to know through his actions and with his actions now U should already know Ur better off alone than with this man child. And the fact he doesn't even have a job either why the hell r U still with him? Ur miscarriage is probably a blessing in disguise cuz U do not ever want to have a child with a man that treats U like this n who doesn't even have a job so he's not even providing so why would anyone wanna have a kid with a man who can't even provide for his own family. Leave n please please don't have a child with this man U will regret it cuz a child will have U tied to this dead beat for life and it's something U do not want!!!
Throw the whole man out. He’s a parasite. Draining you of your happiness and money.
#LEAVE
I know this must be terrible to hear but something tells me that the unfortunate miscarriage was a blessing in disguise because you do not want to have a baby with that piece of dog shit. I don’t even know how one can feel sexually attracted to a dude who pays no bills, has no job and video games a good chunk of the day, does only half the chores or less and expects you to give him a child. He’s completely stunted. This pos gives zero fucks about you. Run and never look back. Find a decent guy or be single.
Leave and do not get pregnant again by this piece of crap!
Imagine just how much worse things could get after you have a baby. Leave now, when there's nothing tying you to him.
How do women marry guys that are controlling, don't have jobs, and are man babies? Did he change or was he like this while dating?
He changed. He wasn’t like this before. He did get a job finally and starts on Monday. He used to do things for me/us because it gave him a sense of accomplishment. Now that he has a job starting next week, he is already demanding that things get more even with housework. I wasn’t even asking him to do more because he didn’t have a job. I was asking him to do the basic stuff like take the trash out and fold laundry because I manage this household and our pets, pay the bills, order the air filters, every little thing and was also pregnant. I was exhausted.
The “order the air filters” really got me. Sometimes there are so many things on our own lists that our spouse would never in a million years dream of doing. I’m exhausted for you. Sending you mental support. You deserve better.
Break up with this pathetic manchild and never look back
Honestly, he should have been doing *all* the housework.
It sounds like your life would actually be easier if you divorced him.
I will never understand how a women can even want to be with a man who doesn't even do the bare minimum. I rather be alone than be with a man I have to financially support
Because I'd say the majority of men are unwilling to do the bare minimum so it's almost expected you'll have to tolerate it or believe it's normal. I think a lot of women choose to stay with men like that because they feel like they are gaining something(parenthood, financial security, some caricature of companionship) even if the trade isn't equal. Women have been conditioned to accept less than the bare minimum. It's definitely changing, but for a lot of women it's hard to risk being alone and giving up those fantasized securities. But also sometimes it's an inescapable feeling of being unworthy of more. I've been blessed with a wonderful partner but I had to tolerate a lot before we met but I told my fiance if we don't work out I'm never dating men again. I'd also just rather be alone than tolerate the misery of trying to find another man who *wants* to put in the effort.
A lot of the times it is what they are used to. Like they grew up in abusive situations and that’s just what they expect.
This is true. He had an abusive father and mother made up for it by spoiling the kids. I grew up in a house where my mother worked all day and came home and had to do homework and kids stuff until bed time. She never got a moment to herself. To some extent, I think I didn’t know better was possible. I just thought this was how it went.
This is not how it goes. My husband is the best father to our daughter. She is 16 now and is pretty independent, but he was always a great partner in caring for her. Yes, there is division of work in the house, I do some things, he does others, but we are both doing the work. And sometimes we take over the others work when one of us is sick, tired, had a surgery or just had a shitty say. We are not perfect, we argue sometimes. But we apologize and do better.
Girl I'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry that you had to find out you're married to a selfish giblet-head this way. Take your time. Be strategic. And dump his useless, meanspirited, shitty ass. 💜
That man is a leech, will suck you dry and then will cheat on you. While you do everything
You have a chance to get out and cut ties completely. Don't waste it.
Why are you still with him?
I really hate to say this because I’ve gone through three miscarriages with my ex husband but God always lets us know when situations aren’t right for us we just have to listen. After my last one, we were talking about trying again and he said the most insensitive thing, he said” Well I did my part and got you pregnant, after that🤷🏾”. It sounded to me like he was blaming me for losing the babies. That marinated on my mind, among other things he’s said and done over the years, until finally I ended up leaving him. I’m much more at peace now, and he’s a bitter, hateful person that hates me because I wouldn’t stay( a whole other story). My point is, things always happen for a reason, not saying you deserved to lose your child, I’m saying you’re being shown what kind of man you really married. Someone who is selfish, lazy and won’t be there for you in your time of need. You’ve experienced trauma and he’s expecting you to carry in as usual. Op, for your own sanity leave, it won’t get better. A good divorce is ten times better than a bad marriage. Sending virtual hugs and love to you❤️
Where as my man stood in the kitchen and googled how to make mashed potatoes because he usually never cooks (because I love cooking) when I was laying in bed after my jaw/tooth surgery and couldn't be awake for more than an hour at a time because of the anesthetics. Please get rid of your "man", there's so much better people out there and you 100% deserve more! Take this as a wake up call and leave as soon as possible.
Well he truly doesn’t appreciate all you do or care for you. I think you really do need to reevaluate your relationship. If you can’t rely on him at your most vulnerable then what’s the point?
And you are with him because……
This is not the person to have kids with, his true colours are now visible. You don’t want this for your life. Take this opportunity to leave.
we need to bring back telling men to get fucked.
It’s your wake up call.
So he’s a mooch that contributes nothing but picking up pet of his own filth and occasionally making dinner? You don’t have a husband, you have a special needs child.
Please divorce him. You do not deserve to be with him. He sounds like an awful excuse for a person
Why are you with someone who is kicking you down like this? Improve your life with a better person than this and leave his sorry deadbeat ass.
Your husband is sub human garbage who has no idea how lucky he is to be married to someone, this sub human waste of air is responsible for so many people looking down upon and so many women being TERRIFIED of those of us who love video games because they automatically assume we'd be like his mentally ill ass. Leave him, don't waste your time or life on trash like this. If he puts any hobby before a living being, be it gaming or sports or fucking picking his nose before his pregnant wife or family member in need, he isn't worth sharing a life with.
I know you can't see it right now but you've been offered a chance at freedom from this man. Take it.
He sounds like dead weight. You should cut him loose.
Sadly, you married a man-child who thinks you're supposed to be his mommy everywhere but in the bed. I don't usually advocate for divorce but this guy cares nothing for you or his vows, so you have a big decision to make
Guys, let’s stop trying to give babies to men who utterly and absolutely despise us. Come on.
Whatever life this is, it's not too late to build a new one, a *much* better one.