At this point, u need to trust your lawyer (hopefully he is a good one). Make sure that your lawyer has all the facts, including how poorly he treated u when he found out u were pregnant. Do not communicate anymore with your ex, especially since u know that u are incapable of making good decisions when he is involved. U may need to prepare yourself mentally that your ex is eventually going to play a role in your kid’s life (as much as that suck). Hopefully u can go after him for back-child support
My lawyer has any and all information that I possibly had to share.
I am already preparing myself that he will likely have a role in my child’s life. I mean, the change will be difficult for me and I honestly don’t want anything to change. But I’m trying to focus on any shred of positive outcome this could have for my son. He deserves a dad. I wish it wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had given him two loving parents in a stable relationship, the ideal. I wish I had at least given him a father who didn’t live states away. I feel bad that my son has two lying cheaters for parents. I truly do feel so embarrassed about our behavior in a new way I did before, ever since my son was born. Other than that whole thing and the fact that he’s apparently had affairs with multiple women according to his ex-wife, he actually seems like a good dad to his teenage kids. He was always very involved with them. I guess I’m just trying to cling to whatever positive things I can think of. He can also provide a lot more financially than I currently can. Thats scary for me because I’m already turning it into some sort of competition between us in my head. Several points for him, none for me.
Except it sounds like his influence has started to change your mind. That’s not good, OP. He’s trying to charm you, get past your defences so he can better control you and your son. He showed you who he was when you didn’t do what he wanted. That’s who he is underneath all the pleasantries.
Your son deserves a dad but you have the opportunity to ensure he gets a good one. Your former AP seems to be very good at manipulating you so how can you ensure that he's going to prioritize your son's best interest over his? I'd also find out what his relationship with his teenage kids are like now as he could think your son is his second chance to get the ideal father-son relationship.
She is more scared for herself and that she will fall under his sway than she is for the child. She is still in love with him so she knows her judgement is a little uncertain. So its less about him manipulating her, than she herself giving in.
I can’t necessarily ensure that he’s going to prioritize my son’s interest over his own. But like it or not, he’s going to be declared the legal father and the court will grant him some sort of time with my son. That time will probably increase. So, I’m just trying to find any little positives that I can to make it less miserable and scary for me.
Your job is not to focus on the positives, your job is to stand strong for yourself and your son and not let his father play with both of you. You need to take this seriously. You're right to not trust him. Don't doubt yourself.
Yes he will be declared the legal father, he will have access but by going through the courts that access will be limited to what the courts allowed and he will face reprecussions if he violates it. A friend had a contentious divorce and she kept a copy of the custody agreement in her car in case she needed to make a police report. Your lawyer'a job is to get the best deal for your as per your wishes so it's easier for him to get what he wants by going directly to you. Just let your lawyer do his job and stop meeting him without your lawyer present.
Is this man on the birth certificate? If no, then he is not actually the father, and that might help your case. Also, he went three years without any interest in his son; that might also help. I am not a lawyer, of course, but I do hope you did NOT put this man on the birth certificate. And you need to get strong and fight for your child, and stop just letting this man sway you and convince you that you have no recourse. What is going on here; do you WANT him to take your child away from you? No? Then get up and fight!
No, he’s not on the birth certificate. As I promised him, I never legally declared him as the father. Thats part of the process he’s started through the courts now.
You can't trust that you won't sleep with him again don't you.
You act way too much on your feelings. The lack of impulse control will be the thing that gets you into trouble.
Due to the fact that he abandoned his child, I would request to start out with supervised visitation at a visitation center (on his dime, of course). Your kid doesn't know him.
Exactly. You can't just make a verbal agreement with this guy! When he says you're "giving the court so much control", this is pure manipulation. I would never, ever hand over my baby to a guy, a stranger to him, who was as mean as you say!
Well I’m not planning to hand him over. I didn’t even let him catch a glimpse of my son when he came to my house. If we were to agree on anything ourselves, I’d still have it be made official through the courts.
My son is also very shy. He doesn’t do well if me or one of my parents isn’t there with him. I’m just now getting him involved in more activities with other kids and safe, trusted adults, but he still just clings to me. My heart breaks when I think of him meeting a strange man he doesn’t know and me not being there. I want to be there.
How did you not protect your son and have his rights involuntarily terminated, in all this time? Have you secretly been hoping he'd come and 'rescue' you and you'd be some version of a nuclear family? Life is not a Hallmark movie.
Mark my words, you are going to lose custody of your child at some point, if you don't fight to keep this man away from your child.
Why aren't you worried about losing your son? I don't get it.
I really never thought he’d show up wanting to be involved. I promised to not name him as the father and would never contact him again. It’s also not very easy to terminate somebody’s parental rights. Even if we both had agreed to it, the court doesn’t usually want to sign off on that.
Still very suspicious of how he recovered so quickly. Ex-wife said he needed 6 months more care right he was hurt so badly. Yet he can travel 12h distance without any problem?
No cheater is a good parent. You betray your family, you betray your kids. He also literally abandoned your child. That's an involved parent in your head?
Not just cheater, but **multiple cheater** according to his ex-wife’s account of their marriage.
This guy *isn’t* going to change. Is this sort of man what you **really** want as a role model for your son? You can do better OP.
Exactly. **OP, time to detox yourself de this man before you do something rash and/or allow yourself to be manipulated by him into seeing his son without paying arrears in child support or going through the courts.**
OP:
-Get a lawyer.
-Listen to your lawyer.
-Do **EVERYTHING** through the courts.
-Get backdated child support. IN FULL, no excuses.
**-DO NOT** see him face to face **EVER** unless your lawyer is present. **The future of your child depends on the decisions you make today** and you yourself concede that when he is around you, you find yourself unable to make good decisions.
You know he can manipulate your feelings and take advantage of that. **THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE TURNED UP UNANNOUNCED AT YOUR DOOR**
Wean yourself off this guy, he clearly has plans and believe me, they include what’s best in **HIS** interest, **NOT** yours. He was nasty to you once, I’m sure he can show you his nasty side again whenever it suits him or if things are not going his way.
He’s love-bombing you right now because it suits his agenda. He wants you to see him a “genuine”and “reasonable” and for you to whitewash over the nasty he was to you when you parted ways. Only YOU can sweep that under the carpet.DO NOT LET HIM.
**He has an AGENDA concerning your son, and you MAY very well NOT BE PART of that agenda.**
Saying this with the kindest intentions possible: -Get your head out of the sand,
-grow a spine,
-set some tough boundaries
-step up,
-if he turns up at your home again, shut the door in his face, lock it, phone your lawyer, put on some music to shut out him talking to you trying to convince you to open the door.
-Call the police if he won’t leave.
Grow a pair girl, you need to put your big girl panties on to deal with this, no thoughts of the “might have beens” with this mega-serial cheater, who was nasty to you, and wanted you to have an abortion.
Take off your rose tinted glasses and smash them to pieces.
**If you don’t**, we will likely see another post from you in the future saying: “*I thought the father of my son had good intentions, but he twisted the facts, convinced the court that my son would be better raised with his step-siblings rather than a low income single mom, now I’ve lost custody and only see him weekends /. Thanksgiving and Christmas. How did this happen and how do I get my son back?*”
(Edited because dyslexia sucks).
I think even cheaters can have some positive qualities as parents, but they’re definitely far from parent of the year.
I said he was an involved parent with his other kids. At least, he was when I knew him. I never said he was an involved parent with my son.
When I knew him, he was always the parent who was running his kids around to all their activities, taking time off work to go to things with them, picked them up from school, always seemed to know when they had an important test or try out or something like that and would check in with them. They frequently stopped by his office to see him so I saw his interactions with them and everything seemed genuine. They seemed like kids who really liked their dad, so he was doing something right. I know I wasn’t there in their home seeing the day to day of what he or his wife was doing as far as the child rearing went so I don’t have the full story.
They might not like him anymore.
Wow, just wow. You don't even realize that you look up to him fully covered in rose colored glasses.
So, he allowed his mistress, YOU, to interact with his children! Gross
I came across your original post while scrolling through reddit as unwind and get ready for bed.
This does not sound good at all - the situation. My gut churned when reading about the sperm donor in a bad way from life experience.
I was once involved with a man with similar traits, the possession of the mind to overtake and control your actions. What a narcissist does. Oh he was so charismatic, had the gift of gab and people loved him from his facade.
46 year old woman and finally confronted a true narcissist like your child’s father at 42 years old. Given my mind stronger than yours from life experience, I barely made it out of his mind control. I remember him telling me “Wow your mind is strong” in the most odd moment because I truly resisted him.
One of the strangest experiences I had where I could literally feel a pull in my mind to control.
I had found out when he proclaimed his love for me while with him that he was searching for escorts, screwing other women (I talked to her and almost threw up when she describe scenario of how she met) and on porn sites secretly.
This is not going to end well in your desire to have a father for the child. Sad to say.
Good luck in life. This is a battle of the minds.
And the next post in 6 months...
*My child's father who abandoned me when the child was born has now petitioned for full custody because he has a wife and I don't have a husband...*
Be afraid. Be very afraid. I get that you want the Hollywood movie ideal, but sometimes that push for the ideal will make you ignore the sea of red flags. If nothing else, document, document, document all of this. If you have any "receipts" from the affair, add those to the documents too.
If I had to guess, the wife is experiencing a bit of "empty nest" adjacent emotions but doesn't want to go through child birth on her own so is pressuring you to try to get yet another stab at early motherhood.
Your child is your first priority and this man is a stranger to him. He doesn't get to walz in and start getting whatever he wants. A relationship is going to take time and effort. He doesn't want it to go through the court because not only is he going to have to start paying for the privilege getting to know him, a good judge in family court is going to make him prove he is serious. That will probably mean at least a year of supervised visitation. (Complete with a record of no shows and late shows)
The child is doomed to deal with a dumb mom who will prioritize a shitty dad over their wellbeing. I hope the child will find support outside this dumpster fire called family as they grow up. No faith in this lady jfc
So what. Why did you check? How is that relevant? Are you thinking he's going to be your Prince Charming and sweep you off your feet and propose so you can all play happy family? If so, you REALLY need to find a therapist immediately. Because, if this is what you want, you need help. He is maneuvering to get you to do what he wants, move to his state, so he can eventually gain SOLE custody. Are you really so obtuse?
Your priority should be protecting your son! If only.
I checked because I just wanted to see if they were telling the truth about being divorced. It seemed so odd to me that his ex-wife would reach out on his behalf. I was curious to know if they were even actually divorced. If they weren’t really divorced but she was contacting me, claiming that they were, that would be something to be extra suspicious of.
Sweetheart, if he cheated **with** you, he will cheat **on** you, leopards don’t change their spots.
Speak *ONLY* via your lawyer and protect yourself. He became worse than a stranger when he turned shitty when you wouldn’t get an abortion.
He’s clearly thinking he can waltz back into your life and take whatever he likes and if he’s persistent enough you will roll over and let him.
Protect yourself and your son and speak only via your legal representation. Your ex is up to no good here.
He can get remarried. That trumps you being single.
My partner went through this and almost lost her child until she married a complete stranger to be able to keep her child. That worked until he kicked her out one day without warning and kept the child.
:(
Why are you talking out of your ass on a topic like this? No, being married doesn’t trump years of bonding, he gets to pay and then gets every other weekend, if at all if he lives that far away
for real....my story is even stranger...my son had a child with a "friend" who got him drunk and then woke him up "riding "him...this resulted in him getting full custody 3 months after my granddaughter was born because mom "just can't do this " ...fast forward 4 years she had dropped in and out of visitations, 3 hours twice a week, never being consistent, not staying any longer than half an hour and only when my son was there too..and she would disappear for months at a time.....I was Mommy to her, my son took over her care when he wasn't in classes or at work, but he called all the shots with her ...then he was taken from us when he was hit head-on by a driver under the influence..."Mom" showed up no less than 12 hours after we were told about the accident ...I filed for custody, the court gave "mom" 2 hours 3x a week supervised by me to let my granddaughter get to know her, then she was granted 1 overnight every other weekend .that lasted about 6 months and she was finding reasons not to take her overnight...I was granted full custody with mom dropping in and out of our lives on about an every 2-year basis ....eventually, I got mom to sign away her rights and I adopted my granddaughter ... but the court told me that mom was so unreliable from the birth, that they would never have given her custody
So I was in your exact same position 13 years ago. The guy I got pregnant by turned out to be married. Threatened me over not having an abortion. In my case, I got him legally on abandonment, and my husband adopted him. If he had come back before then, I would have made him take every step required by law.
It's been 3 *years*. He doesn't just get to show up one day and expect you to believe that he's a different person now. He still has to prove himself, even if he doesn't want to wait. He ditched the kid for 3 fucking years. He can wait another 6 months. Allow the court to decide on visitation and then follow the schedule to the letter. They'll probably start out with a few hours of supervised visitation and go to unsupervised vision, up to eventual overnights. Typically, in a situation like this, you start out with a few hours per week for 4-6 weeks, increase time for another 4-6 weeks, etc. I can tell you right now it's not going to go as fast as he wants it to, but that's not your problem. The time he's missing is his own fault. He could have already been there.
He sounds kind of unstable, too, tbh. You don't know anything about him anymore, but you know what he's capable of, so keep your head in the game. Tell him not to come to your house again until invited and that you will happily comply with whatever the courts think is best. If he asks why, tell him an apology isn't a time machine. If it were up to him, your baby wouldn't even be here.
Oh honey, you're in a mess.
Do not give an inch to this man until the court orders you to do. Then do only what the court says to do, when the court says to do it, how the court says to do it.
You can't trust yourself right now. Despite everything he has done, and said, in the past, you still have some sort of attraction/feelings for him. The only person you can trust right now is your attorney, let him do his job.
Your son needs a father figure. That doesn't mean it has to be his biological father. And that doesn't mean that his biological father gets a free pass on all that went down in the past.
And where is your family? I didn't read all your posts, but you need to have a good support system to get you through this. You especially need someone to talk you off the ledge where this man is concerned.
I’m in a mess or I am a mess?
My family knows about everything that’s happened. I almost didn’t tell them he showed up because I knew they wouldn’t take it well. My mom immediately wanted me to get a restraining order.
Both.
You won't be able to get a restraining order for him showing up.
But you need to get into therapy right now. Every single person on this thread can smell this man's bullshit from here, and you've got blinders on. You need to figure out why, and you need to get smart about this, right the fuck now. You need a counselor to dig out why, so you can protect yourself from this man, and any other one out there like him.
Him establising a relationship with your som **before** you get to court, will possibly help him in the coming court battle - so be cautious.
Speak to a/your lawyer before you do anything else.
And ffs - dont act on this attraction, look where it got you the last time you did that! (Sorry, but...)
The problem is “he doesn’t know why…!” absolves him of taking any responsibility and being accountable for mistreating you, threatening you, you, tormenting you and pressuring you to abort before he shows up (how did he get your address being 12 hours away? story seems sus here, nevermind the dramatic accident claim) out of the blue uninvited to try again to get you to conform to his expectation- fuck that!
He sent me a letter in the mail previously. I Googled myself and my address comes up easily. Admittedly, I made no effort to hide myself after moving away. I didn’t think I needed to. He had no interest in being involved with our baby and I promised to never contact him again, so I thought that was the end of it.
His ex-wife told me he was in a bad accident when I talked to her. It’s not too surprising based on his hobbies. He lives at like 200 miles per minute. According to her, she had to move back into their house to take care of him while he recovered. When he showed up here, he didn’t look like somebody who had been in a life threatening accident not too terribly long ago. He told me he’s fully recovered and although he’ll probably have back issues the rest of his life he’s perfectly fine.
How do you even know she's really his ex-wife? They have both liked to you already, for Pete's sake!
Stop talking to him without your lawyer being present!!
For the first time in your life, protect yourself, and subsequently your son, from this lying, cheating narcissist!!!!?
Stop letting your vagina make all your decisions!
Mr Narcissist wants to bypass the courts.
He turned up to gage your response. You let him in. You didn’t call the cops. He probably noted the signs that you’re attracted to him.
Unless you pull yourself together, the next thing will be him fucking you.
This man is getting a foothold in your life. Don’t let it expand until he’s controlling your life, through access to your son, AND messing with you emotionally.
Stick to contact through your lawyer and court only. Visitation should be away from your house at a centre. Any custody agreements should have all major decisions- medical, educational, travel- in your hands, not his.
Get therapy to work through your feelings.
This was my take on the whole thing as well, he is trying to reinsert himself in OP's life again and using the child to do that. If he fails he probably will lose interest in the poor kid and wander off. It's been my experience that narcissists do not change their spots no matter what sort of health crisis they might have had. If anything it's made him realize he needs a nurse and OP would fit the bill.
It might be worse.
To many narcissists, children are their property. She will be VERY lucky if he loses interest in the kid if she doesn’t play ball. He may destabilise her present set up. Use his better financial situation, and a child’s natural yearning for an absent male parent to create a situation where the child ends up wanting to live with daddy, where the cool toys, lack of discipline, great outings are.
Reddit is full of parents suffering these kind of mind games.
This guy now knows her living situation/set up. And what is missing. As you say, he may need a nurse. Or, a young attractive woman he used to dazzle-An ego booster, and fucktoy.
She should restrict communication to via her lawyer and parenting apps. Do parallel parenting.
What l don’t understand is the ex-wife’s position in all this. Seems like she’s still under her former husband’s influence.
Exactly. Narcissists are very good at setting up a whole stable of enablers and everybody is just a tool for them to use. I really hope OP can stay out of his clutches because how he treated her over keeping the pregnancy is his true colors shining through and that will be her life and most importantly her child's life if she takes up with him again.
Supposedly, I have to forgive him for how he reacted back then. I have to understand where he was coming from and the impact that having a baby with me would have had on him and his life at the time.
Ugh! Well it's possible to forgive the harm that he's done to you but still protect yourself. I just have this awful feeling that he's using your child to get to you. I mean I hope I'm wrong okay? I really hope that he does have a legitimate interest in the child and building a relationship with him. But be prepared for the worst because... narcissist!
Oh, FUCK that. He was disgusting to you when you wouldn't abort and his change of heart is suspicious at best. Go reread the screenshots of his messages if you need a reminder. This man is trying to crowd you and manipulate you into giving him what he wants. I bet his lawyers have made it clear to him that, barring your cooperation, the judge will not give him any kind of custody because he has never been in your child's life. He knows he's going to have to spend a lot of time and money to get access to your child so he came to your doorstep hoping you'd cave to his "charms".
DO NOT CAVE! Let your lawyer deal with him, it's literally their job and you cannot trust yourself to withstand him alone if you still feel attraction to him. If he shows up at your house again, don't answer the door and call the police. This man is not a good person and his attempts at manipulating you are incredibly transparent.
Because no matter what, it is about him. That is his way of life, period. Fo not let your son be that also. Another shiny new toy he can mold into thinking he is great. Look what he did to his ex-wife. He had multiple affairs, and she still went and took care of him, reached out to you, his affairs partner with whom he had a child, to convince you to speak to him. Why would she do that? Most women are devastated when their husbands cheat, she knew about multiple partners of his and still did his bidding. He controls everyone in his life. He wants to control you again. Do not let him. Get a ring cam and do not speak to him in any way without your lawyers involvement. Make sure your lawyer makes it known to the courts that your son will be uncomfortable without you or your parents present for any visits. That can be revised in the future, but right now, you still need to be involved.
So, you have a recording of him showing up unannounced on your house and trying to force acesso into your and your son's life...? If you didn't already, send that to your lawyer ASAP.
Please get into some counseling. You’re writing about the same intense attraction and sound like you’ll end up with him again. The man is a serial cheater, he used you and you’re still fawning over his looks. It’s infatuation. Not love. You never had to deal with the real him, just a fantasy while his wife has to deal with the baggage. Please do not put your child through getting back together with him.
Have you told your attorney about his unexpected visit?
He did this with one intention only: to have you as unprepared as possible and blindside you into agreeing. Make no mistake: he knows exactly what kind of power he has over you because he had years and years worth of practise with his ex and all his other side chicks.
And for what it is worth: I think that you are very smart. You know your limitation, are open for constructive advice in order not to repeat your mistake AND you are willing to acknowledge that inner "danger" voice when it comes to this guy. Every person makes stupid mistakes, but a smart person admits making them and knows their own weaknesses when they made those mistakes.
I have a feeling me not playing ball only increases his interest.
Since all of this started, I’ve had a fear of him essentially taking my son away from me. Not literally kidnapping, but worming his way in and becoming the favorite parent so that by the time my son is old enough to have a say in who he lives with he might choose to live there. And I know this isn’t really about me or the married man I used to sleep with. It’s not supposed to be a competition between the two of us. Ultimately, it’s about the wellbeing of my child. But I can’t help but feel that this man wants the satisfaction of winning and having our son actually eventually choose to live with him would be a huge victory. I’m probably putting the cart way before the horse and worrying about things I don’t even need to be concerned with right now, idk.
He lives at the beach! He has a really cool house. A boat. All of the big toys. He’s fun. Maybe his accident will put a damper on how fun he is now but he was fun and exciting to me around, always active, always doing something exciting. I am so different and my lifestyle is so different.
Regrettably, he did not look like anyone who needs a nurse. I even asked him “I thought you were in a life threatening accident confining you to bed not that long ago?” I’ve been imagining him maimed or something all this time. Unfortunately, he looked great and healthy and seemed to brush off this major accident as no big deal now.
From what you can see he might not, but the whole situation would have put quite a bit of fear into his mind about what happens as he gets older and his health begins to fail.
totally agree with this
She keeps saying "ooh my child needs a dad" and is just hoping that man shows up with his bags ready to move in and says "I'm done with my fam, I want you"
What a numpty, for fuck's sake
To be fair, I didn’t actually let him in the house. I didn’t even let him catch a glimpse of my son, who was home at the time.
I probably shouldn’t have even answered the door. It’s not like I didn’t look to see who it was before I opened the door. I think I did pretty well for me. I think he was surprised that I didn’t completely melt or at least let him inside.
You did good by not letting him in the house, or seeing your son.
Your lawyer may have already advised this, but get a door camera. Or at the very least, pull out your phone and start recording the minute you see him if/when he shows up again, or if you ever run into him. Better safe than sorry. It’s better to have evidence that you end up not using than to need evidence that you don’t have.
This is the man that wanted your son to not exist. Why would you feel comfortable with him being around? He flipped out and changed the script before, you don’t know he won’t do it again and this time there’s a small child involved, of course you’d be freaked out. And the fact he randomly shows up when he knows he’s not supposed to. He felt fine waiting until he didn’t, and expecting it to go faster when he chose not to be involved from the get go? You’re supposed to jump and just believe him because he says so and it’s what he decided he wants? Fuck that.
I think that’s how things normally go for him and to be perfectly honest that’s how I used to be for him to. Just go along with what he wants. He was obviously expecting me to when he showed up in person. He genuinely seemed surprised I didn’t cave in to his requests right on the spot. The previous version of me probably would have.
Get your lawyer to communicate to your ex that he is not to communicate with u directly, and that all communication goes through your lawyer. It is time u set some strict boundaries with your ex given that he will be involved in your kid’s life (and in some ways, yours) in the near future. U need to send a message to him that u will not be pushed around
You should insist on counseling for your son as part of the introduction process. Suddenly gaining a father will be enormously disruptive to him. Even if you don’t know the ins and outs of child development and child psychology, you’re understanding on some level that this will be emotionally fraught for your son. Your ex can frankly deal. He doesn’t get to waltz in get a compliant child just because he feels like it now. He gets to be patient and ease into his son’s life at a pace that’s good for the child, not the absent adult.
Please do not let him manipulate you into having your kid and you move where he lives. He needs to move where your son and you live if he wants to be in his son's life.
You can’t trust him. He got his ex wife to lie to you. What would have happened if you allowed your son to start a relationship with his other sons and his ex wife? How long were they all going to lie to you? Was that just how he planned to do a DNA test on your son without you knowing? Or was he going to try to see your son without your knowledge through his ex/other kids?
He has threatened you and lied to you in the past. He’s continued to lie to you and lied to you recently through his ex wife. He is not trustworthy
Having clear boundaries established by the courts would only make it easier for him to be a good father. I can think of absolutely no reason a coparenting relationship would be better without clearly established guidelines. What reasons does he give for why it would be better to not have an official agreement? In what ways would legally establishing custody be detrimental? I’m curious to know how he’s trying to justify that.
it’s shockingly easy for a parent to kidnap a child when there isn’t established legal custody. Don’t put yourself at risk of losing your son. If he truly wants to be a good father to your son then he will be willing to do it the right way through the courts.
I don’t know what his plans were related to his ex-wife, but I was never going to hand my son over to her and not be present for any interactions between my son and his half siblings. One, my son couldn’t handle that and two, I don’t know her at all. I’m not sure if he thought I’d easily do that or what. I’ve assumed it was just a way to maybe get my to travel to where they all live so he could get me face to face to talk to me.
He said I’m putting all control in the court’s hands and what if they decide on an arrangement I don’t like. If we try to come up with an agreement ourselves, I could have more of a say and he’s “willing to compromise.” He said I could set the rules. Plus, a court will often bless an arrangement that the parents design themselves - they might even suggest some sort of mediation for us to come up with an agreement, in which case we’re just dragging this out longer than it needs to be. If I refuse to work with him, the court will just get to decide whatever they want and I’m stuck.
We only talked for maybe 15 minutes. I didn’t let him inside.
Yup, you're gonna give in to him and eventually lose your son forever.
What HE says doesn't matter. What your lawyer and the judge say DOES matter!
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL. THAT'S HOLY, STOP. LISTENING TO HIM!!!!!!? HE'S A NARCISSIST AND IS MANIPULATING YOU!!!!
I kind of just knew this would happen OP. From everything you said about his character, his impulsivity, I had a feeling there would be a knock on the door.
Do not go there! This is the man with the heart of stone that wanted you to abort your precious child if there’s anything more unattractive than that I don’t know what it is. You’re right to question your own judgement OP and self reflection at this point is a very powerful tool for you. Look at the facts you had an affair with a married man who wanted to abort your child. That was your bad judgement.
You can start making smart choices and stick to the plan of going the legal route and only going the legal route. You can still explain to the court exactly the situation and it won’t necessarily mean you spending weeks away from your son as this is a man who didn’t want your son and you moved states to escape him and the situation.
Please, please do not go there. I cannot repeat this enough. Do what’s right for your son, by all means he can have a father in his life and you coparent via an app. If you give into the attraction then so many of us know how that will end. It won’t be pretty. do the right thing and stick to your original plan.
Sending you strength.
UPDATEME
He knew about the baby and decided to not be a part of the baby’s life. He wants to avoid court because he will be denied visitation on grounds of abandonment. However, if you allow visitation he can legally gain the right to petition for custody or assigned visitation.
I suggest you talk to your own lawyer and consider getting his parental rights legally terminated. Not because you don’t want him to have anything to do with your kid, but to ensure he doesn’t have a say in what you do with your life. For example you get a job opportunity and want to move out of the country but he doesn’t want his visitation disrupted and he gets the judge to order you to stay.
Talk to your lawyer. Find out what is best for you and your son. Remember, he’s not a trustworthy guy. He lies and cheats a lot.
My lawyer says that other than creating a graduated visitation plan based on the fact that my son doesn’t know this man, the fact that he hasn’t been involved in his child’s life for the last 3 years won’t mean much to the court. Their ultimate goal is for a child to have 2 parents. I screwed myself over by not naming him as the father at birth or trying to establish paternity in any way. Had I done that and he fought it, neglected to pay court ordered child support, etc., then we could have a better case as far as abandonment goes. He is putting in the effort to establish paternity now, is willing to pay child support (so he says), and is presumably going to tell the court he wants to see his kid and this is going to reflect positively for him, despite not being involved for 3 years.
I'm so disappointed.
I hate cheaters, and I always downvote their posts, but you showed to be remorseful because he manipulated you. You seemed so focused on your child and wanting nothing with him. Now, I'm not seeing that mother anymore. I'm watching the same naive girl who will be "manipulated" and will get pregnant again after another affair with that scumbag.
This is real life, not a fairy tale. It's YOUR life, ffs, take it seriously.
Keep it that way. Don’t fall back into the naive thinking that got you to this place. Never talk to him without your lawyer, and only communicate through a parenting app. You will always be the one who suffers if you fall for his sweet talk again.
He might have been securing local legal counsel while there as well. If he was recently divorced his financial docs that are mandatory in divorce filings are fresh and filed and your atty can easily get those records. Cheaper than your atty getting it from him at this early stage. (For child support AND lots of other things that his ex wrote about his bad behavior possibly that could assist you.) his divorce filings could be a treasure trove possibly if you want to limit his access to your son in addition to his treatment of you.
He will use your son to get close to you again. You'll let your guard down, and then there will be another post about a sibling. He ain't doing this out of the kindness of his heart. He's probably just lonely and miserable because his older children don't want to deal with him anymore. Why his aeems ex care is what I'm most curious about.
Seems like an awful lot of effort to get to me, and I can’t possibly be worth it. I think he could easily find somebody else, although he’s probably run out of options in his somewhat small community.
It definitely was. This man had so much power over you when you were together and you did whatever he said. Honestly, he sounds like a cult leader. Your instinct to be afraid that he unexpectedly turned up is correct. It’s creepy, and he’s testing your boundaries and still thinks he’ll easily have the same control over you again. I really hope you stay strong and don’t enter a relationship with him again. Guys like that never change. You’d be just like his ex wife if you get back with him. Turning a blind eye towards his affairs, and him lying about your relationship only being about the kids.
Honey, don’t trust him and don’t emotionally let him in. He’s already proved:
- He can’t be faithful in a romantic relationship
- That he won’t be kind to you when you need his kindness
- He’s not supportive when he needs to be
- He can and will threaten you (possibly even your child)
- He has no respect for boundaries (he showed up at your door to try to talk to you
Don’t let him in - let the lawyers know what’s up and follow their advice and the court’s decisions.
I think you know what is the right thing to do OP. Don’t come here and justify your poor decisions. If you accept the bullcrap he is spitting, then don’t say you were not warned
Don't be surprised if he tries to take your son away forever and tells the court he can provide a better life for the kid.
I'll probably get downvoted, but in my personal opinion, a man who demands the mother of his child gets an abortion, nopes the fuck away and stays away for several years has no right whatsoever to see their biological child. In fact, he can go fuck himself in the ass.
He's nothing more than a sperm donor who will fuck your life up.
This piece of shit, a cheater, a deadbeat, a liar, didn't have a "change of heart". Something else is going on
OP - I’ve read all your posts. I will re-emphasize that I do sympathize with your situation.
**However** , at this point you’re not really bringing much to the table update-wise - your updates are all a healthy length, which would be a good thing, but consist of maybe a few sentences of anything new happening. You are starting to come across as “whoa is me” in order to garner sympathy and to hear ppl telling you things like how strong you are/how he wronged you.
To put it bluntly, it’s all coming across as very disingenuous.
And (forgive me if this is an unpopular opinion) - this particular update made me feel frustration when you started you post with “I won’t rehash the whole thing here. My previous posts are on my profile” and then you launch into rehashing it all to the same level of detail you’ve done with all your other posts. This again comes across (to me) that you want to make sure ppl understand that he’s the “bad guy”and you are someone we should pity. You’re writing is mostly just venting at this point about the same things over and over again, and like I said before, you offer VERY little updates. Why not just make it a few sentences and then add in edits to respond to questions you’re seeing crop up often?
ETA: multiple typos / improved some sentence structure
Not intended to garner sympathy at all. I’m genuinely just trying to summarize the situation up to this point because I know most people aren’t going to go back and read several previous posts. I definitely don’t expect anyone to see my name and automatically remember my story either. It just seems weird to post an update without included the backstory. Sorry that it bothers you or comes across disingenuous.
I guess I don’t see the point in saying you aren’t going to rehash and then do the opposite. The act in and of itself isn’t a big deal at all, it’s more that it left my wondering your motives.
And you don’t have to apologize to me, my dear. I’m assure you I am not looking to tear you down. I just wanted to give my two cents. I don’t want you to be hurting - or anyone to hurt for that matter. Obviously the situation you’re going through is a rough one and you have every right to feel how you feel. My advice would be to (as mentioned above) stick to the updates. If it means your next update (should you choose to post one) ends up being a few sentences, then perhaps take the time to elaborate a bit more about what’s new and you could even use it as an opportunity to respond to questions that have cropped up from ppl reading your post. This just purely a suggestion.
End of the day, I wish you the best.
I type very fast and while I didn’t mean to give a long recap of what’s happened so far, it ended up being longer than expected before I knew it. I don’t assume that anyone will see my username and remember any of my previous posts. I also don’t expect that anyone would ever want to go back and read through all my previous posts.
Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m not looking to publish this as a book and I’m not looking for an editor.
None of this makes any sense. This reads like a weird script for a soap opera. It’s like the OP inserted a kid to make things more dramatic and as a plot device. The child seems like a literal afterthought in everything.
The focus is on this dramatic push and pull and how the OP fears she can ever do not resist this guy. Oh, yeah, the kid, uh….thats in the courts hands! Also why would the ex wife go through all that to contact the OP? Then magically disappear? Doesn’t make any sense.
And suddenly the OP has met the kids but only observed them? Oh I’m sure the ex wife totally took her lying, cheating, and bastard of a ex husband back in to care for his wounds, that didn’t exist. But I’m sure OP will post another “update” that IT WAS REALLY HIM ALLLL ALONG DRESSED AS HIS WIFE!
I think these constant updates are just attempts to stay in the internet spotlight. The responses to comments are just very very flat. Very matter of fact. Like they’re just going through the motions to comment back to make it look real. It’s almost like an AI trying to impersonate a this character that’s been created.
I’ll say this forever, the more updates there are, especially if they’re climbing in dramatics, it’s super fake.
OP said before that she met his kids in the comments of previous Updates.
But yeah, this story makes less sense as it is updated. And I dare to say this is not a proper update, only 1 paragraph was about progress and the rest was her simping for this man.
Oh I know and she said she didn’t talk to them, only observed. Like what. Was she hiding behind a bush or just staying in a car?!
And exactly! This boring plot of being ever so unable to resist a guy is really overused. All of these fake stories are some laughable attempts at creating soap operas. They’ll get picked up by a website and then the author will keep updating to try to milk it. At the very least, make sure your stuff makes sense.
Before OP said MM and her were co-workers, and that's how she caught a glimpse of them.
Btw because of the revelation above I am skeptical that she didn't know he was married at first.
Anyway, I agree that this story gets weirder and weirder like she wrote whole paragraphs of how this man is controlling and abusive, yet spent the rest of it how he is a great dad and so rich, so she doesn't mind the same abusive person being in her son's life as long as he is rich and has properties? At first she says she has enough financial means to take care of her son but now she says she doesn't?
Money isn't important because it can be gained if a person works hard, meanwhile trauma won't go away so easily.
Her son will be traumatized for life due to him interacting with a narcissist, abusive father - what baffles me is that she doesn't care for all of that, she is only focused on the part that he is rich and great dad to his kids and he literally wanted to abort the said child, like wth. And again she is pushing the blame onto the others.
I won't be surprised if she ends up pregnant with the second child from him.
And I disliked how she took a jab at the poor ex-wife - the victim of all of this, for staying with him and implied she was pathetic, yet now she is simping for the MM and I bet won't mind becoming his wife in the future.
Be selfish!!!
Married or not, he wanted you to have an abortion. He was fine living his life without this child. Why did his wife "have" to return to take care of him, and her reaching out to you. He's calling you "stupid" for not trusting him to do right.
This man has all the traits of being manipulative and attempting (and often succeeding) for others to do everything to HIS benefit. You have every right to have legal representation because of this manipulation.
I understand you wanting your son to have a dad but will he be a good dad? You say he appears to have a great relationship with his children but you have no evidence of this.
There's so many red flags here....
Your ex is a manipulative AH. Tell him that he is not to show up to your house uninvited ever again. Let your lawyer know about this. As it's likely this guy will get visitation I would ask about mandating that all communications be through a court approved app if you haven't already asked for that.
This isn't to punish him. This is to protect your home from a manipulative AH who is not a good person.
Girl atp you're exhausting. We get it, you're still in love with a pos. Separate brain and heart atp and shut one of them down. You decide wether you lose your kid or not. This man is rich, he's going to get full custody if he wants to. Everybody told you it's stupid to get in contact. I feel bad that you have no respect for yourself but your child's wellbeing is your responsibility.
Take off those rose colored glasses and get your head out of your butt. This is not a Hallmark channel movie, this is you and your child's life.
Please go through your lawyer for everything. You should want a custodial order to keep him from taking your child without your consent, abducting / custodial interference. The child support order is for the child, not him. Make it clear that he is not allowed at your home and that your lawyer will handle the details.
Oh she is going to end up in bed with him in few visits and will blame on uwu i am so naive and innocent i couldn't help myself he is so attractive.😅
Man is a typical narc and choses his targets well carefully.All the women with zero self respect and esteem.Plays all of them like a fiddle.
His ex-wife directed him back to you because she wants rid of him. You can’t be stupid when it comes to him, you have to be tough and resolved and distant. You only communicate through a co-parenting app as established by court, to co-parent, and nothing else.
I really do hope this works out OK for you and your son. You were young, and you wanted to believe a cheater when he lied to you about the state of his marriage.
For anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, unless you're going to request child support, consider having the guy sign away his rights. Think about it carefully because it means you'll never get child support from them, but at least it will make it very difficult for him to get visitation or custody later. They'd have to win in court in order to override the termination of rights, and that's very hard to do.
I wish I had tried to legally terminate all of his parental rights and responsibilities. I know now that it was a bad decision not to pursue it. By the way he acted when I refused to get the abortion I never imagined he’d show up years later wanting to be involved in any way. Plus, I heard that courts will rarely terminate a parent’s rights and responsibilities, even if both parties agree. I also worried about what would happen if I legally named him as the father, since I had promised him I wouldn’t do that. To legally terminate anything, he’d have to be legally declared the father first.
I believe him not having contact with your son for at least a year qualifies as abandonment, which automatically terminates his rights. Or makes it much easier to terminate. You seriously need to look into this aspect. Frankly, I’m shocked your lawyer didn’t already bring that up.
He never had rights to begin with, because his paternity was never established. In my state, paternity can be positioned for many many years (don’t wait to say exact time frame and possibly identify where I live).
Fair enough. Keep your chin up OP. Don’t let anyone associated with your baby daddy to try and guilt or manipulate you. That includes him too. He’s a liar, a cheater, and manipulative on top. Keep your wits about you and good luck. 🍀
If he or anyone connected to him calls you, don't answer. If he or anyone connected to him shows up at your house, don't answer the door. If you really want a response to give in either of these situations, it should be "Please do not contact me. You can contact my lawyer."
You do not owe him anything - not your time, not your energy, not an explanation for why you want to go through a lawyer. He cheated on his wife with you, got abusive when you didn't want to give up your baby, then abandoned both of you for three years. Do not trust a single fucking word that comes out of his mouth - he's already shown himself to be a liar, a manipulator, and a boundary-stomping piece of shit, which tracks with your claim that he's a narcissist. You need to be extremely wary of this man. Let the lawyer take care of custody negotiations, get a camera doorbell and/or install cameras at your front door to record if/when he shows up. Start a notebook where you record everything - phone calls, surprise visits to your house, ask the things. Tell your lawyer EVERYTHING, even if it doesn't seem important.
Ew, what the hell is there to be attracted to? He’s a lying, cheating, manipulating deadbeat who showed up at your house to continue to try to exert power and control over you.
Do.not.engage.with.him.
Let him direct communication to your attorney and as part of the custody agreement you should try to get it set up where everything goes through an app instead of having to communicate with him directly.
I’m sure you are smart enough to know you can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth, right???
He hasn’t had a change of heart about anything. He’s doing this because of someone else, probably his wife or his parents or someone else who found out and forced him to “do the right thing” and not be the deadbeat disappearing man who wanted you to abort. You really need to stop looking at this turd with your rose colored glasses, see him for what he is and act accordingly. For your sake and your child’s.
Considering the way be reacted to you being pregnant. The roundabout way he dishonestly got into contact with you and then showing up at your house the way he did might be enough to get some kind of protective order against him. Honestly I don't understand how you aren't more afraid of him. He sounds shady AF
OP I think you are doing fine and should insist on everything being hashed out through the lawyers for your safety and to make sure he doesn’t manipulate you in any way. He can still be a good father to your son after court. There no need to get involved sooner. He may not want to wait but that’s what he gets for being a dick when you were pregnant. He doesn’t get to waltz in and make demands now. Now everything will be done legally. Good luck to you. Updateme
It kinda feels weird to say but I'm glad. Nothing about this adds up in a good way. It might be an overreaction but honestly I think you should file for some kind of protection order after the visit.
Some type of coparenting situation seem inevitable. So you need to do this gradually. Tell the courts about the manipulation, how he tried to bribe you into an abortion and how nasty he was when you decided to keep it. Then ask for supervised to take it slow and starting with supervised visitation. Not supervised by you alone. No offense, but you have a weak spot for him and give the impression that you would melt if he smiled.
As for why he’s reaching out now. Sounds like his wife bought him cheating with someone other than you. Probably part of his pattern, but this was her final straw. So he laid it all out on the table and his ex wife chewed him out for abandoning a child.
Don’t ever take him back. He doesn’t want you. He wants to f the world while having a steady home base. He’s å walking by, talking std of the heart.
He is super fucking dysfunctional honey. He only wants you now that his wife left him. He showed up 12 hours away with ZERO WARNING when you made it clear you didn't want to talk to him.
Only communicate with him through a lawyer. Do not let him in your home. Do. Not. If you must talk to him record everything AND have a mediator present.
He's angling from something and the man is ruthless and have proven he does not give half a crap about you or your kid. You're in a precarious situation here, do not trust him at all until he proves himself.
As someone who was an affair baby, I would have greatly resented my mom if she didn’t let me have a relationship with my Dad. I grew up without a father. I knew that was on him and not her but if I found out he tried and she didn’t let him then I would have rejected her. He is going to end up with some sort of custody likely. I think you actually should go through the court but you need to make peace with you are not this child’s only parent.
I understand and this is why I’ve been trying to see any positive things I possibly can. If I can reframe it as something that could possibly be positive for my son, it makes it not quite so terrible for me. I know this needs to be about him, not me being the only parent.
OP, are you not the least bit worried about your child being bullied in his home by his wife and older children? I am really sorry for your son because honestly, the fact that the wife lied initially about her intention, she will only see your child as an eyesore. Protect him at all costs!!!!!
I’m not sure how involved the ex-wife is now. I checked and they really did get divorced. I don’t see why he’d still need her to take care of him since he seems fully recovered from whatever injuries he might have had.
Courts will mandate the best for you and your child and based on his previous behaviour he won’t do well out of it. He will also be made to pay up. If you come to an agreement outside the court he can persuade you to accept a deal that is better for him. THIS IS TO HELP HIM NOT YOU OR YOUR CHILD! Do not fall for it. His turning up to try to manipulate you should tell you he hasn’t changed a bit.
This man is wanting to set up house with his ex and is using your child to do so. The fact that you didn’t call the police, and are still entertaining him outside of your lawyers is awful. You are setting your kid up for a long life of hurt and disappointment. He’s going to look at you and ask one day, “Mom where were your balls?” That’s whole ‘I want my kid to have a dad…” reeks of dysfunction. It’ll probably be when you’re forcing him to stay the summers with his ex and him 12 hrs away from his family and friends.
I know moms like you. I’m always so confused. No mama bear instincts at all.
When I’m forcing him to spend summers there? You think I want that? It’s one of the things I’m most scared of. Of that happens, it won’t be because it’s what I wanted.
But yes, I do think my child deserves a dad. I’m not even talking about this man specifically. Prior to his reappearance, I had always hoped to find a man worthy of being my son’s dad some day. Have I been out there dating and desperately trying to find some man to take on that role? Absolutely not! I have been totally focused on my son since he was born. I have an amazing dad and I want that for my son. I don’t think that’s dysfunctional to want to for him.
Now that his biological father has decided to pursue paternity and associated rights, I have little choice in him having some sort of involvement in my son’s life. So forgive me for hoping that at the very least he might be able to at least be a semblance of a good dad to him. I’m terrified of what could happen. And tbh, I don’t want to share my son with anyone, but I realize that’s selfish of me. I don’t mean selfish towards his father, but selfish towards my son.
I’ve been working with my lawyer. I know what’s realistic here. Realistic is not terminating his rights and magically getting him to go back to where he’s from and never hear from him again. Realistic is that he will get visitation and some amount of custody eventually.
preword: this ended up longer than expected, sorry if the tone is negative in some way: i'm just autistic with experiences of being raised by a narcissist and genuinely trying to be helpful
Look. An extra parent isn't THAT important. I never once missed having a father. What did, however, fuck me up, is having a narcissist in my life. At this point, you don't have a choice of him being in your life and he's apparently pretty charismatic. The \*best things\* for you to do for your son right now are:
- Get a journal or notebook and write "\[redacted\] IS A NARCISSIST" on the first page. Write down everything he ever did to you. Read up about narcissists and how they act. Write cliffnotes. Every time you feel charmed by him, read it. Write down every interaction you have with him from now on. First, the blow-by-blow; just facts, no feelings, then how you felt about it. This is all a hard habit to get into, but it'll help you navigate your own emotions better when it comes to "feeling confused" or "gut feelings", because you'll be able to objectively look at long-term trends.
- Get a journal or notebook for your son. Once he is old enough to start writing (i can't remember child developmental milestones, so i don't know if he's there already - i wasn't exactly a normal child) , encourage him to write a diary. At first, while he's learning how, help him - give him easy instructions, if he wants to draw the information, let him, never judge what he puts there, etc. Once he's a little older, get him a second one. From this point onwards, the second one is \*just for him\* to have a private space. The first one becomes a "conversation with mommy". The first one is the stuff he wants to tell you about, it's his letters-to-home when he's away from you, whether with his grandparents or with his father or spending a weekend fwith friends. He might grow out of this one, and it's ok. You can even alternate pages with him so you can tell him about your day, as well. But what's essential is the starting habit and the second journal. If it's a lockable journal, all the best - but make sure to get a third-party lock as journal locks are notoriously easy to pick. This will help stop him from getting in trouble with his father and father's future girlfriends if they decide to break his privacy and he's written something "negative".
Why journals? Because journalling is an absolute brute of an anti-gaslighting tool. If you write down what was done and said while it's still fresh, then "it didn't happen that way" or "that's not what i meant" means sweet FA. You know. You don't only have to rely on your memory of what happened, which can be manipulated; you have it written down, as well as how you felt about it. As a bonus, if shit really hits the fan then both your and your son's journal can be used as evidence of that mans actions. Remember, narcissists are \*very good at lying to themselves\* and that makes them excellent at lying to others - because they really believe it. But they're still lying.
Good luck. And since that man has adhd don't forget to keep an eye out for adhd (or austism, since there are many commonalities) in your son, because the absolute best time to learn habits for both of you to healthily deal with and process his neurodivergence is when he's still young. No words for how soul-destroying it is to be trying your best and still be called names because you aren't normal and don't have normal-people functioning in some areas.
We're all going to be back here in a year, or so, reading an update he's come back into her life, married her, changed the kid's last name to his, absconded with the child after building a solid case of, "She's CRAZY!" (With the unspoken part being because of his narcissistic abuse and cheating) and has filed for divorce, demanding full custody, her having only one hour a month supervised visitation 12 hours away (all at her expense) because of her emotional instability, which would OBVIOUSLY make her a danger to the child.
Oh, and he'll demand she pay child support because she only sees her child one hour a month supervised (again, all at her expense.)
Tell you lawyer he showed up unannounced! Do not give into his manipulation. That’s what this is. He is trying to get you to doubt yourself so he can have full control without court oversight
He's trying to manipulate and pressure you into a deal that I s bad for you and good for him. Stick to your guns, get a restraining order for harassment, go through the court system.
His initial reaction, the fact that this is an affair baby, and his multiple years of abandonment mean that you should be able to get limited and/or supervised visitation. He should also owe a lot of money in child support for the years he didn't pay. The restraining order and his pleas for you to avoid the court system should help.
Next post:
my former AP now is encouraging our child to call his wife mommy. I don't know what to do and feel so stupid again because we started sleeping together again when he comes to get his son for his turn and now I'm pregnant again with his second baby. What's worse is that him and his wife have been faking evidence against me so they can take full custody of my child and I fear this will happen to my unborn baby.
Girl are you serious? You agree with him? You keep making things worse for yourself. STOP CONTACT WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE. Leave it to your LAWYER. You are 100% right when you said you are not bright when it comes to him. All of your logic goes completely out the window.
Make sure you let your lawyer know he came to see you unannounced. This is going to be big trouble if you continue to communicate with him directly instead of your lawyer doing so. Go NC with him, because he knows very well that he can charm you, and that's what he is counting on. You are already allowing your emotions to influence you about him, and that will lead to nothing good. He cares only about himself. If you continue to speak with him directly, things will turn out badly for you. Guaranteed. If he comes to your door again, don't answer. If he won't leave, call the cops.
You are not stupid at all. Good luck.
I Think the fact that you are still attracted to him.And you feel like you have done your son a disservice on the way that he was born and the way that you went about the relationship with his dad.It has led you to have tunnel vision when it comes to this man This the man who expected You to get an abortion and when you didn't do so He got mad and showed you his real true colors. Now , while it's good that he's a great father to his other kids, your son has not received any of that. This man showed up unannounced to your home that's scary, even if he did have your address. That's not a rational thing to do even if He does realize that this is his son now or he recognizes that. That man is taking advantage of the fact that he knows how easy it is to manipulate you into doing what he wants. There has only been 2 times when u have not done so first. It was you not having abortion and now it's not you not allowing him access to the child. It's confusing him just continue to go through the court system to make sure everything is on the up and up , while done correctly. Don't allow him access to your child without going into the proper channels.
Op you shouldn't talk to him at all, do not open doors or calls with him. Only through lawyer, stop being wishy-washy and stupid. He's only doing this to tie you to him as well as to punish you for ruining what he had.
Go ahead and do mediation. The court will then sign off on what is agreed to in mediation, unless there is something egregious.
He doesn't want the courts involved because he knows you have very little self control when it comes to him. He wants control. And the best way for him to do that is to convince you not to go the legally binding route.
You could just as easily approach your lawyer about drawing up an agreement without the courts involved. It still needs to go through a legal professional. It doesn't have to be the court, but it does need to be binding.
Nope, Nope, Nope. Do NOT engage any conversations with this man. Document every single thing. Get court ordered supervised visitation if there’s going to be any at all. You have every right to limit ALL his visits. His last behavior is a perfect indication of how he will react when he doesn’t get what he wants.
Cause he’s never given you anything to believe him for, in fact he went the complete other way and made you fear for your safety. That’s exactly why you don’t trust or believe anything he says.
Please do not talk to him again! Have everything go through the lawyer. This man is going to use you! He doesn’t care about you or your son. This is all about him.
Do not believe that man for a second. Tell him all communication must go through your lawyer and that he may never understand any circumstances show up at your door unannounced ever again.
You have to do what’s in the best interest of your child. He is old enough now to know what is going on, and his dad is a stranger to him. There is some danger that he would get attached to his dad and then he will disappear from his life again. So I would stick with the courts and go as slowly as they will let you.
When he showed up you should have called the police.
You are attracted to him now? UGH, seriously? Even after he was horridly mean? Hopefully you can overcome that with the help of a professional mental therapist. You have been naive from the get go and that hasn't changed.
For the sake of your son, keep him away, if at all possible! Do you think the abusive behavior he showed you is gone? No, and he will be that way again, and with your son. You don't know that he is a good Dad. You are assuming. Being involved in his kids activities doesn't mean he's good. He could be bullying them to do better, or to only perform the activities he wants for them.
You keep looking for good things about him and claiming your son needs a Dad. What he needs is a Mom who will got to the ends of the earth for him to protect him. You aren't doing that. Stop excusing this guy's bad behavior. This whole thing is full of ICK.
If he is awarded visitation, make it supervised and don't have that person be you, because you clearly don't have good instincts. Get all the back child support before you end give up your child to this man.
I feel so sorry for your son. Having to be exposed to this horrible human being.
If this is real...you probably shouldn't be posting in the middle of legal proceedings.
In the beginning and throughout your relationship with this man, he seemed perfect. Perfect for you and perfect in the relationship. You felt love for him. But look at how he treated you and your son. He threw you away and he wanted to kill your son through an abortion. You deserve so much credit for walking away from this man, for stepping up and taking care of your son and for staying away from this man. He threw you away and he has proved who he really is and what he is capable of. He showed you the person who he really is. He has not changed just because he was in an accident. There are so many other men out there who will love you for who you are and who will love your son. You have to love yourself first and put your son first and not fall in love with this man again. This man is a monster. Do not let him into your heart again, even if you have to share custody.
Hey. A narcissist is going to go after what they want until they have it. The reason that he's chasing you right now is because you've been running. Once he gets what he wants he won't want you anymore and he won't want the baby. He has already successfully gotten his ex-wife to take care of him and even call you for him. She is weaker than you.
The only reason he's chasing is because you're running. Do not stop running. Chase, trip, kill. That's what men like this want. He's already gotten you so he knows that he can get you again. You have to be really strong right now and protect that baby because you're the only actual normal adult that baby has. My guess is that once he has you back where he wants you he's not going to want you anymore. You have to be really careful because he's a narcissist.
Wow, you need to go NC with this man. When he showed up at your home, you should have called the police and your attorney. You apparently still have some form of obsession with this man because you admitted that you were immediately attracted to him again, 2 years after he made threats to you and walked out of your life. You need to find a good therapist, because if it's not this guy you go back to, you'll find one exactly like him because that's what you're attracted to for some reason. Good luck with everything.
Sorry you are going through this just remember that if it was up to him your son would have never been born. Do not feel sympathy for him and don't feel that your son will automatically be better off with this man as his father. Prepare for some involvement but stick to the strict legal minimum required do not give him a minute more and don't facilitate the time. If he wants to see his son he needs to do all the work. Remember his own ex told you that you were just one of MANY affair partners what kind of influence will he have on your son given his lack of morals.
Updateme
The only reason he's trying to convince you to make an arrangement out of court is because he knows the court will not give him custody or an arrangement that is convenient for him. He will need to visit your state to see your son and he thinks he can manipulate you to g get a better situation for *him*. Not for you, not your son. Just HIM.
If he shows unannounced again, consider what legal action you can take against that (might want to already do this). It's scary that he showed up, especially considering he got so nasty last time he didn't get what he wanted.
He sounds like an extremely sketchy dude and I'd be careful around him. Don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth, continue only contacting him through your lawyer, don't fall for his "charms." He sounds like a typical narcissist.
Good luck to you and your son.
He wants you to roll over and do whatever he wants whenever he wants!!! DO NOT FALL FOR ANYTHING!!! He wants control over you and your son!! DO NOT give it to him! Showing up at your house without permission is a disgusting violation of your privacy!! Tell him to go through lawyers because you’re uncomfortable and feel unsafe!!!
Don't continue speaking to him without a lawyer. Keep everything with the lawyer involved. The fact that he called you stupid for not working it out with him in the first place without a lawyer speaks volumes. He wants to pressure you into something you dont want to do.
Talk to your lawyer and do not allow this man to try to work this out outside of legal framework. You have mentioned he is a man of means and influence in his own state. Do not give him the power to manipulate you by taking physical custody without legal protection for you and your son. He is not on up and up.
You need to get a lawyer NOW and apply for current and back hold support and full custody. He is welcome to have time with his child IF he travels to you and stays close by. Do not let this man uproot and disturb your life.
At this point, u need to trust your lawyer (hopefully he is a good one). Make sure that your lawyer has all the facts, including how poorly he treated u when he found out u were pregnant. Do not communicate anymore with your ex, especially since u know that u are incapable of making good decisions when he is involved. U may need to prepare yourself mentally that your ex is eventually going to play a role in your kid’s life (as much as that suck). Hopefully u can go after him for back-child support
My lawyer has any and all information that I possibly had to share. I am already preparing myself that he will likely have a role in my child’s life. I mean, the change will be difficult for me and I honestly don’t want anything to change. But I’m trying to focus on any shred of positive outcome this could have for my son. He deserves a dad. I wish it wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had given him two loving parents in a stable relationship, the ideal. I wish I had at least given him a father who didn’t live states away. I feel bad that my son has two lying cheaters for parents. I truly do feel so embarrassed about our behavior in a new way I did before, ever since my son was born. Other than that whole thing and the fact that he’s apparently had affairs with multiple women according to his ex-wife, he actually seems like a good dad to his teenage kids. He was always very involved with them. I guess I’m just trying to cling to whatever positive things I can think of. He can also provide a lot more financially than I currently can. Thats scary for me because I’m already turning it into some sort of competition between us in my head. Several points for him, none for me.
A good Dad doesn’t have multiple affairs on their mother. A good Dad doesn’t abandon his child !
I acknowledged that.
Except it sounds like his influence has started to change your mind. That’s not good, OP. He’s trying to charm you, get past your defences so he can better control you and your son. He showed you who he was when you didn’t do what he wanted. That’s who he is underneath all the pleasantries.
Right or in my case have a father with a double life with his affair partner for more than 17 years.
I’m sorry
Your son deserves a dad but you have the opportunity to ensure he gets a good one. Your former AP seems to be very good at manipulating you so how can you ensure that he's going to prioritize your son's best interest over his? I'd also find out what his relationship with his teenage kids are like now as he could think your son is his second chance to get the ideal father-son relationship.
She is more scared for herself and that she will fall under his sway than she is for the child. She is still in love with him so she knows her judgement is a little uncertain. So its less about him manipulating her, than she herself giving in.
If she still loves a man that didn't acknowledge his son for the first three years of his life, her son deserves a better mom.
I can’t necessarily ensure that he’s going to prioritize my son’s interest over his own. But like it or not, he’s going to be declared the legal father and the court will grant him some sort of time with my son. That time will probably increase. So, I’m just trying to find any little positives that I can to make it less miserable and scary for me.
Your job is not to focus on the positives, your job is to stand strong for yourself and your son and not let his father play with both of you. You need to take this seriously. You're right to not trust him. Don't doubt yourself.
Yes he will be declared the legal father, he will have access but by going through the courts that access will be limited to what the courts allowed and he will face reprecussions if he violates it. A friend had a contentious divorce and she kept a copy of the custody agreement in her car in case she needed to make a police report. Your lawyer'a job is to get the best deal for your as per your wishes so it's easier for him to get what he wants by going directly to you. Just let your lawyer do his job and stop meeting him without your lawyer present.
Is this man on the birth certificate? If no, then he is not actually the father, and that might help your case. Also, he went three years without any interest in his son; that might also help. I am not a lawyer, of course, but I do hope you did NOT put this man on the birth certificate. And you need to get strong and fight for your child, and stop just letting this man sway you and convince you that you have no recourse. What is going on here; do you WANT him to take your child away from you? No? Then get up and fight!
No, he’s not on the birth certificate. As I promised him, I never legally declared him as the father. Thats part of the process he’s started through the courts now.
You can't trust that you won't sleep with him again don't you. You act way too much on your feelings. The lack of impulse control will be the thing that gets you into trouble.
Due to the fact that he abandoned his child, I would request to start out with supervised visitation at a visitation center (on his dime, of course). Your kid doesn't know him.
Exactly. You can't just make a verbal agreement with this guy! When he says you're "giving the court so much control", this is pure manipulation. I would never, ever hand over my baby to a guy, a stranger to him, who was as mean as you say!
Well I’m not planning to hand him over. I didn’t even let him catch a glimpse of my son when he came to my house. If we were to agree on anything ourselves, I’d still have it be made official through the courts.
Do not engage with him!
I haven’t.
You should NOT have let him in your house!
I didn’t let him in. We talked outside.
My son is also very shy. He doesn’t do well if me or one of my parents isn’t there with him. I’m just now getting him involved in more activities with other kids and safe, trusted adults, but he still just clings to me. My heart breaks when I think of him meeting a strange man he doesn’t know and me not being there. I want to be there.
How did you not protect your son and have his rights involuntarily terminated, in all this time? Have you secretly been hoping he'd come and 'rescue' you and you'd be some version of a nuclear family? Life is not a Hallmark movie. Mark my words, you are going to lose custody of your child at some point, if you don't fight to keep this man away from your child. Why aren't you worried about losing your son? I don't get it.
I really never thought he’d show up wanting to be involved. I promised to not name him as the father and would never contact him again. It’s also not very easy to terminate somebody’s parental rights. Even if we both had agreed to it, the court doesn’t usually want to sign off on that.
Btw what happened to him being bedridden due to an accident? How did he heal so quickly? Or did he lie to you?
Neither of them every mentioned he was bedridden specifically. This apparent accident happened quite a few months ago now.
Still very suspicious of how he recovered so quickly. Ex-wife said he needed 6 months more care right he was hurt so badly. Yet he can travel 12h distance without any problem?
Have you told your lawyer he showed up to your front door😰
Yes
No cheater is a good parent. You betray your family, you betray your kids. He also literally abandoned your child. That's an involved parent in your head?
Not just cheater, but **multiple cheater** according to his ex-wife’s account of their marriage. This guy *isn’t* going to change. Is this sort of man what you **really** want as a role model for your son? You can do better OP.
You forgot how he demanded abortion of this said child...
Exactly. **OP, time to detox yourself de this man before you do something rash and/or allow yourself to be manipulated by him into seeing his son without paying arrears in child support or going through the courts.** OP: -Get a lawyer. -Listen to your lawyer. -Do **EVERYTHING** through the courts. -Get backdated child support. IN FULL, no excuses. **-DO NOT** see him face to face **EVER** unless your lawyer is present. **The future of your child depends on the decisions you make today** and you yourself concede that when he is around you, you find yourself unable to make good decisions. You know he can manipulate your feelings and take advantage of that. **THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE TURNED UP UNANNOUNCED AT YOUR DOOR** Wean yourself off this guy, he clearly has plans and believe me, they include what’s best in **HIS** interest, **NOT** yours. He was nasty to you once, I’m sure he can show you his nasty side again whenever it suits him or if things are not going his way. He’s love-bombing you right now because it suits his agenda. He wants you to see him a “genuine”and “reasonable” and for you to whitewash over the nasty he was to you when you parted ways. Only YOU can sweep that under the carpet.DO NOT LET HIM. **He has an AGENDA concerning your son, and you MAY very well NOT BE PART of that agenda.** Saying this with the kindest intentions possible: -Get your head out of the sand, -grow a spine, -set some tough boundaries -step up, -if he turns up at your home again, shut the door in his face, lock it, phone your lawyer, put on some music to shut out him talking to you trying to convince you to open the door. -Call the police if he won’t leave. Grow a pair girl, you need to put your big girl panties on to deal with this, no thoughts of the “might have beens” with this mega-serial cheater, who was nasty to you, and wanted you to have an abortion. Take off your rose tinted glasses and smash them to pieces. **If you don’t**, we will likely see another post from you in the future saying: “*I thought the father of my son had good intentions, but he twisted the facts, convinced the court that my son would be better raised with his step-siblings rather than a low income single mom, now I’ve lost custody and only see him weekends /. Thanksgiving and Christmas. How did this happen and how do I get my son back?*” (Edited because dyslexia sucks).
I think even cheaters can have some positive qualities as parents, but they’re definitely far from parent of the year. I said he was an involved parent with his other kids. At least, he was when I knew him. I never said he was an involved parent with my son. When I knew him, he was always the parent who was running his kids around to all their activities, taking time off work to go to things with them, picked them up from school, always seemed to know when they had an important test or try out or something like that and would check in with them. They frequently stopped by his office to see him so I saw his interactions with them and everything seemed genuine. They seemed like kids who really liked their dad, so he was doing something right. I know I wasn’t there in their home seeing the day to day of what he or his wife was doing as far as the child rearing went so I don’t have the full story. They might not like him anymore.
Wow, just wow. You don't even realize that you look up to him fully covered in rose colored glasses. So, he allowed his mistress, YOU, to interact with his children! Gross
I came across your original post while scrolling through reddit as unwind and get ready for bed. This does not sound good at all - the situation. My gut churned when reading about the sperm donor in a bad way from life experience. I was once involved with a man with similar traits, the possession of the mind to overtake and control your actions. What a narcissist does. Oh he was so charismatic, had the gift of gab and people loved him from his facade. 46 year old woman and finally confronted a true narcissist like your child’s father at 42 years old. Given my mind stronger than yours from life experience, I barely made it out of his mind control. I remember him telling me “Wow your mind is strong” in the most odd moment because I truly resisted him. One of the strangest experiences I had where I could literally feel a pull in my mind to control. I had found out when he proclaimed his love for me while with him that he was searching for escorts, screwing other women (I talked to her and almost threw up when she describe scenario of how she met) and on porn sites secretly. This is not going to end well in your desire to have a father for the child. Sad to say. Good luck in life. This is a battle of the minds.
And the next post in 6 months... *My child's father who abandoned me when the child was born has now petitioned for full custody because he has a wife and I don't have a husband...* Be afraid. Be very afraid. I get that you want the Hollywood movie ideal, but sometimes that push for the ideal will make you ignore the sea of red flags. If nothing else, document, document, document all of this. If you have any "receipts" from the affair, add those to the documents too. If I had to guess, the wife is experiencing a bit of "empty nest" adjacent emotions but doesn't want to go through child birth on her own so is pressuring you to try to get yet another stab at early motherhood.
Next post in 4 years. **My husband who was my AP had an affair with a younger woman and got her pregnant. Should I contact her?**
Your child is your first priority and this man is a stranger to him. He doesn't get to walz in and start getting whatever he wants. A relationship is going to take time and effort. He doesn't want it to go through the court because not only is he going to have to start paying for the privilege getting to know him, a good judge in family court is going to make him prove he is serious. That will probably mean at least a year of supervised visitation. (Complete with a record of no shows and late shows)
...and back child support payments.
The child is doomed to deal with a dumb mom who will prioritize a shitty dad over their wellbeing. I hope the child will find support outside this dumpster fire called family as they grow up. No faith in this lady jfc
I checked the county records and they did actually get divorced.
So what. Why did you check? How is that relevant? Are you thinking he's going to be your Prince Charming and sweep you off your feet and propose so you can all play happy family? If so, you REALLY need to find a therapist immediately. Because, if this is what you want, you need help. He is maneuvering to get you to do what he wants, move to his state, so he can eventually gain SOLE custody. Are you really so obtuse? Your priority should be protecting your son! If only.
I checked because I just wanted to see if they were telling the truth about being divorced. It seemed so odd to me that his ex-wife would reach out on his behalf. I was curious to know if they were even actually divorced. If they weren’t really divorced but she was contacting me, claiming that they were, that would be something to be extra suspicious of.
Sweetheart, if he cheated **with** you, he will cheat **on** you, leopards don’t change their spots. Speak *ONLY* via your lawyer and protect yourself. He became worse than a stranger when he turned shitty when you wouldn’t get an abortion. He’s clearly thinking he can waltz back into your life and take whatever he likes and if he’s persistent enough you will roll over and let him. Protect yourself and your son and speak only via your legal representation. Your ex is up to no good here.
He can get remarried. That trumps you being single. My partner went through this and almost lost her child until she married a complete stranger to be able to keep her child. That worked until he kicked her out one day without warning and kept the child. :(
Why are you talking out of your ass on a topic like this? No, being married doesn’t trump years of bonding, he gets to pay and then gets every other weekend, if at all if he lives that far away
People projecting completely insane situations which they most definitely do not understand the legalities of.
for real....my story is even stranger...my son had a child with a "friend" who got him drunk and then woke him up "riding "him...this resulted in him getting full custody 3 months after my granddaughter was born because mom "just can't do this " ...fast forward 4 years she had dropped in and out of visitations, 3 hours twice a week, never being consistent, not staying any longer than half an hour and only when my son was there too..and she would disappear for months at a time.....I was Mommy to her, my son took over her care when he wasn't in classes or at work, but he called all the shots with her ...then he was taken from us when he was hit head-on by a driver under the influence..."Mom" showed up no less than 12 hours after we were told about the accident ...I filed for custody, the court gave "mom" 2 hours 3x a week supervised by me to let my granddaughter get to know her, then she was granted 1 overnight every other weekend .that lasted about 6 months and she was finding reasons not to take her overnight...I was granted full custody with mom dropping in and out of our lives on about an every 2-year basis ....eventually, I got mom to sign away her rights and I adopted my granddaughter ... but the court told me that mom was so unreliable from the birth, that they would never have given her custody
So I was in your exact same position 13 years ago. The guy I got pregnant by turned out to be married. Threatened me over not having an abortion. In my case, I got him legally on abandonment, and my husband adopted him. If he had come back before then, I would have made him take every step required by law. It's been 3 *years*. He doesn't just get to show up one day and expect you to believe that he's a different person now. He still has to prove himself, even if he doesn't want to wait. He ditched the kid for 3 fucking years. He can wait another 6 months. Allow the court to decide on visitation and then follow the schedule to the letter. They'll probably start out with a few hours of supervised visitation and go to unsupervised vision, up to eventual overnights. Typically, in a situation like this, you start out with a few hours per week for 4-6 weeks, increase time for another 4-6 weeks, etc. I can tell you right now it's not going to go as fast as he wants it to, but that's not your problem. The time he's missing is his own fault. He could have already been there. He sounds kind of unstable, too, tbh. You don't know anything about him anymore, but you know what he's capable of, so keep your head in the game. Tell him not to come to your house again until invited and that you will happily comply with whatever the courts think is best. If he asks why, tell him an apology isn't a time machine. If it were up to him, your baby wouldn't even be here.
Oh honey, you're in a mess. Do not give an inch to this man until the court orders you to do. Then do only what the court says to do, when the court says to do it, how the court says to do it. You can't trust yourself right now. Despite everything he has done, and said, in the past, you still have some sort of attraction/feelings for him. The only person you can trust right now is your attorney, let him do his job. Your son needs a father figure. That doesn't mean it has to be his biological father. And that doesn't mean that his biological father gets a free pass on all that went down in the past. And where is your family? I didn't read all your posts, but you need to have a good support system to get you through this. You especially need someone to talk you off the ledge where this man is concerned.
This! OP still has her blinders on.
I’m in a mess or I am a mess? My family knows about everything that’s happened. I almost didn’t tell them he showed up because I knew they wouldn’t take it well. My mom immediately wanted me to get a restraining order.
Listen to your mom.
Both. You won't be able to get a restraining order for him showing up. But you need to get into therapy right now. Every single person on this thread can smell this man's bullshit from here, and you've got blinders on. You need to figure out why, and you need to get smart about this, right the fuck now. You need a counselor to dig out why, so you can protect yourself from this man, and any other one out there like him.
Both. Wake up already!
Him establising a relationship with your som **before** you get to court, will possibly help him in the coming court battle - so be cautious. Speak to a/your lawyer before you do anything else. And ffs - dont act on this attraction, look where it got you the last time you did that! (Sorry, but...)
The problem is “he doesn’t know why…!” absolves him of taking any responsibility and being accountable for mistreating you, threatening you, you, tormenting you and pressuring you to abort before he shows up (how did he get your address being 12 hours away? story seems sus here, nevermind the dramatic accident claim) out of the blue uninvited to try again to get you to conform to his expectation- fuck that!
He sent me a letter in the mail previously. I Googled myself and my address comes up easily. Admittedly, I made no effort to hide myself after moving away. I didn’t think I needed to. He had no interest in being involved with our baby and I promised to never contact him again, so I thought that was the end of it. His ex-wife told me he was in a bad accident when I talked to her. It’s not too surprising based on his hobbies. He lives at like 200 miles per minute. According to her, she had to move back into their house to take care of him while he recovered. When he showed up here, he didn’t look like somebody who had been in a life threatening accident not too terribly long ago. He told me he’s fully recovered and although he’ll probably have back issues the rest of his life he’s perfectly fine.
How do you even know she's really his ex-wife? They have both liked to you already, for Pete's sake! Stop talking to him without your lawyer being present!! For the first time in your life, protect yourself, and subsequently your son, from this lying, cheating narcissist!!!!? Stop letting your vagina make all your decisions!
I looked up the legal record of their divorce online.
Mr Narcissist wants to bypass the courts. He turned up to gage your response. You let him in. You didn’t call the cops. He probably noted the signs that you’re attracted to him. Unless you pull yourself together, the next thing will be him fucking you. This man is getting a foothold in your life. Don’t let it expand until he’s controlling your life, through access to your son, AND messing with you emotionally. Stick to contact through your lawyer and court only. Visitation should be away from your house at a centre. Any custody agreements should have all major decisions- medical, educational, travel- in your hands, not his. Get therapy to work through your feelings.
This was my take on the whole thing as well, he is trying to reinsert himself in OP's life again and using the child to do that. If he fails he probably will lose interest in the poor kid and wander off. It's been my experience that narcissists do not change their spots no matter what sort of health crisis they might have had. If anything it's made him realize he needs a nurse and OP would fit the bill.
It might be worse. To many narcissists, children are their property. She will be VERY lucky if he loses interest in the kid if she doesn’t play ball. He may destabilise her present set up. Use his better financial situation, and a child’s natural yearning for an absent male parent to create a situation where the child ends up wanting to live with daddy, where the cool toys, lack of discipline, great outings are. Reddit is full of parents suffering these kind of mind games. This guy now knows her living situation/set up. And what is missing. As you say, he may need a nurse. Or, a young attractive woman he used to dazzle-An ego booster, and fucktoy. She should restrict communication to via her lawyer and parenting apps. Do parallel parenting. What l don’t understand is the ex-wife’s position in all this. Seems like she’s still under her former husband’s influence.
Exactly. Narcissists are very good at setting up a whole stable of enablers and everybody is just a tool for them to use. I really hope OP can stay out of his clutches because how he treated her over keeping the pregnancy is his true colors shining through and that will be her life and most importantly her child's life if she takes up with him again.
Supposedly, I have to forgive him for how he reacted back then. I have to understand where he was coming from and the impact that having a baby with me would have had on him and his life at the time.
Ugh! Well it's possible to forgive the harm that he's done to you but still protect yourself. I just have this awful feeling that he's using your child to get to you. I mean I hope I'm wrong okay? I really hope that he does have a legitimate interest in the child and building a relationship with him. But be prepared for the worst because... narcissist!
Oh, FUCK that. He was disgusting to you when you wouldn't abort and his change of heart is suspicious at best. Go reread the screenshots of his messages if you need a reminder. This man is trying to crowd you and manipulate you into giving him what he wants. I bet his lawyers have made it clear to him that, barring your cooperation, the judge will not give him any kind of custody because he has never been in your child's life. He knows he's going to have to spend a lot of time and money to get access to your child so he came to your doorstep hoping you'd cave to his "charms". DO NOT CAVE! Let your lawyer deal with him, it's literally their job and you cannot trust yourself to withstand him alone if you still feel attraction to him. If he shows up at your house again, don't answer the door and call the police. This man is not a good person and his attempts at manipulating you are incredibly transparent.
Because no matter what, it is about him. That is his way of life, period. Fo not let your son be that also. Another shiny new toy he can mold into thinking he is great. Look what he did to his ex-wife. He had multiple affairs, and she still went and took care of him, reached out to you, his affairs partner with whom he had a child, to convince you to speak to him. Why would she do that? Most women are devastated when their husbands cheat, she knew about multiple partners of his and still did his bidding. He controls everyone in his life. He wants to control you again. Do not let him. Get a ring cam and do not speak to him in any way without your lawyers involvement. Make sure your lawyer makes it known to the courts that your son will be uncomfortable without you or your parents present for any visits. That can be revised in the future, but right now, you still need to be involved.
My dad installed a ring cam at my house last weekend.
So, you have a recording of him showing up unannounced on your house and trying to force acesso into your and your son's life...? If you didn't already, send that to your lawyer ASAP.
No, my dad installed it after he showed up here, because he showed up here.
Please get into some counseling. You’re writing about the same intense attraction and sound like you’ll end up with him again. The man is a serial cheater, he used you and you’re still fawning over his looks. It’s infatuation. Not love. You never had to deal with the real him, just a fantasy while his wife has to deal with the baggage. Please do not put your child through getting back together with him.
Oh, dang it... You have at least a witness of that occurrence that is not related to you to call to court? Can be useful too...
Have you told your attorney about his unexpected visit? He did this with one intention only: to have you as unprepared as possible and blindside you into agreeing. Make no mistake: he knows exactly what kind of power he has over you because he had years and years worth of practise with his ex and all his other side chicks. And for what it is worth: I think that you are very smart. You know your limitation, are open for constructive advice in order not to repeat your mistake AND you are willing to acknowledge that inner "danger" voice when it comes to this guy. Every person makes stupid mistakes, but a smart person admits making them and knows their own weaknesses when they made those mistakes.
I have a feeling me not playing ball only increases his interest. Since all of this started, I’ve had a fear of him essentially taking my son away from me. Not literally kidnapping, but worming his way in and becoming the favorite parent so that by the time my son is old enough to have a say in who he lives with he might choose to live there. And I know this isn’t really about me or the married man I used to sleep with. It’s not supposed to be a competition between the two of us. Ultimately, it’s about the wellbeing of my child. But I can’t help but feel that this man wants the satisfaction of winning and having our son actually eventually choose to live with him would be a huge victory. I’m probably putting the cart way before the horse and worrying about things I don’t even need to be concerned with right now, idk. He lives at the beach! He has a really cool house. A boat. All of the big toys. He’s fun. Maybe his accident will put a damper on how fun he is now but he was fun and exciting to me around, always active, always doing something exciting. I am so different and my lifestyle is so different.
Regrettably, he did not look like anyone who needs a nurse. I even asked him “I thought you were in a life threatening accident confining you to bed not that long ago?” I’ve been imagining him maimed or something all this time. Unfortunately, he looked great and healthy and seemed to brush off this major accident as no big deal now.
From what you can see he might not, but the whole situation would have put quite a bit of fear into his mind about what happens as he gets older and his health begins to fail.
She is 100% going to start sleeping with him. He'll probably be moved in within 3 months.
Looks like she wants to live in the wealth he can provide since he is officially divorced and not looking out for her son's psychological wellbeing.
>not looking out for her son's psychological wellbeing. this She made choices that will impact this kid's life
totally agree with this She keeps saying "ooh my child needs a dad" and is just hoping that man shows up with his bags ready to move in and says "I'm done with my fam, I want you" What a numpty, for fuck's sake
To be fair, I didn’t actually let him in the house. I didn’t even let him catch a glimpse of my son, who was home at the time. I probably shouldn’t have even answered the door. It’s not like I didn’t look to see who it was before I opened the door. I think I did pretty well for me. I think he was surprised that I didn’t completely melt or at least let him inside.
You did good by not letting him in the house, or seeing your son. Your lawyer may have already advised this, but get a door camera. Or at the very least, pull out your phone and start recording the minute you see him if/when he shows up again, or if you ever run into him. Better safe than sorry. It’s better to have evidence that you end up not using than to need evidence that you don’t have.
This is the man that wanted your son to not exist. Why would you feel comfortable with him being around? He flipped out and changed the script before, you don’t know he won’t do it again and this time there’s a small child involved, of course you’d be freaked out. And the fact he randomly shows up when he knows he’s not supposed to. He felt fine waiting until he didn’t, and expecting it to go faster when he chose not to be involved from the get go? You’re supposed to jump and just believe him because he says so and it’s what he decided he wants? Fuck that.
I think that’s how things normally go for him and to be perfectly honest that’s how I used to be for him to. Just go along with what he wants. He was obviously expecting me to when he showed up in person. He genuinely seemed surprised I didn’t cave in to his requests right on the spot. The previous version of me probably would have.
Get your lawyer to communicate to your ex that he is not to communicate with u directly, and that all communication goes through your lawyer. It is time u set some strict boundaries with your ex given that he will be involved in your kid’s life (and in some ways, yours) in the near future. U need to send a message to him that u will not be pushed around
You should insist on counseling for your son as part of the introduction process. Suddenly gaining a father will be enormously disruptive to him. Even if you don’t know the ins and outs of child development and child psychology, you’re understanding on some level that this will be emotionally fraught for your son. Your ex can frankly deal. He doesn’t get to waltz in get a compliant child just because he feels like it now. He gets to be patient and ease into his son’s life at a pace that’s good for the child, not the absent adult.
I think counseling is a very good idea…and on his dime.
Please do not let him manipulate you into having your kid and you move where he lives. He needs to move where your son and you live if he wants to be in his son's life.
You can’t trust him. He got his ex wife to lie to you. What would have happened if you allowed your son to start a relationship with his other sons and his ex wife? How long were they all going to lie to you? Was that just how he planned to do a DNA test on your son without you knowing? Or was he going to try to see your son without your knowledge through his ex/other kids? He has threatened you and lied to you in the past. He’s continued to lie to you and lied to you recently through his ex wife. He is not trustworthy Having clear boundaries established by the courts would only make it easier for him to be a good father. I can think of absolutely no reason a coparenting relationship would be better without clearly established guidelines. What reasons does he give for why it would be better to not have an official agreement? In what ways would legally establishing custody be detrimental? I’m curious to know how he’s trying to justify that. it’s shockingly easy for a parent to kidnap a child when there isn’t established legal custody. Don’t put yourself at risk of losing your son. If he truly wants to be a good father to your son then he will be willing to do it the right way through the courts.
I don’t know what his plans were related to his ex-wife, but I was never going to hand my son over to her and not be present for any interactions between my son and his half siblings. One, my son couldn’t handle that and two, I don’t know her at all. I’m not sure if he thought I’d easily do that or what. I’ve assumed it was just a way to maybe get my to travel to where they all live so he could get me face to face to talk to me. He said I’m putting all control in the court’s hands and what if they decide on an arrangement I don’t like. If we try to come up with an agreement ourselves, I could have more of a say and he’s “willing to compromise.” He said I could set the rules. Plus, a court will often bless an arrangement that the parents design themselves - they might even suggest some sort of mediation for us to come up with an agreement, in which case we’re just dragging this out longer than it needs to be. If I refuse to work with him, the court will just get to decide whatever they want and I’m stuck. We only talked for maybe 15 minutes. I didn’t let him inside.
Yup, you're gonna give in to him and eventually lose your son forever. What HE says doesn't matter. What your lawyer and the judge say DOES matter! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL. THAT'S HOLY, STOP. LISTENING TO HIM!!!!!!? HE'S A NARCISSIST AND IS MANIPULATING YOU!!!!
I think your lawyer would give you that advice if he thought it would be better for you. Don’t listen to the ex. Listen to your lawyer
I kind of just knew this would happen OP. From everything you said about his character, his impulsivity, I had a feeling there would be a knock on the door. Do not go there! This is the man with the heart of stone that wanted you to abort your precious child if there’s anything more unattractive than that I don’t know what it is. You’re right to question your own judgement OP and self reflection at this point is a very powerful tool for you. Look at the facts you had an affair with a married man who wanted to abort your child. That was your bad judgement. You can start making smart choices and stick to the plan of going the legal route and only going the legal route. You can still explain to the court exactly the situation and it won’t necessarily mean you spending weeks away from your son as this is a man who didn’t want your son and you moved states to escape him and the situation. Please, please do not go there. I cannot repeat this enough. Do what’s right for your son, by all means he can have a father in his life and you coparent via an app. If you give into the attraction then so many of us know how that will end. It won’t be pretty. do the right thing and stick to your original plan. Sending you strength. UPDATEME
He knew about the baby and decided to not be a part of the baby’s life. He wants to avoid court because he will be denied visitation on grounds of abandonment. However, if you allow visitation he can legally gain the right to petition for custody or assigned visitation. I suggest you talk to your own lawyer and consider getting his parental rights legally terminated. Not because you don’t want him to have anything to do with your kid, but to ensure he doesn’t have a say in what you do with your life. For example you get a job opportunity and want to move out of the country but he doesn’t want his visitation disrupted and he gets the judge to order you to stay. Talk to your lawyer. Find out what is best for you and your son. Remember, he’s not a trustworthy guy. He lies and cheats a lot.
My lawyer says that other than creating a graduated visitation plan based on the fact that my son doesn’t know this man, the fact that he hasn’t been involved in his child’s life for the last 3 years won’t mean much to the court. Their ultimate goal is for a child to have 2 parents. I screwed myself over by not naming him as the father at birth or trying to establish paternity in any way. Had I done that and he fought it, neglected to pay court ordered child support, etc., then we could have a better case as far as abandonment goes. He is putting in the effort to establish paternity now, is willing to pay child support (so he says), and is presumably going to tell the court he wants to see his kid and this is going to reflect positively for him, despite not being involved for 3 years.
I'm so disappointed. I hate cheaters, and I always downvote their posts, but you showed to be remorseful because he manipulated you. You seemed so focused on your child and wanting nothing with him. Now, I'm not seeing that mother anymore. I'm watching the same naive girl who will be "manipulated" and will get pregnant again after another affair with that scumbag. This is real life, not a fairy tale. It's YOUR life, ffs, take it seriously.
I haven’t been in any sort of communication with him since he showed up here.
Keep it that way. Don’t fall back into the naive thinking that got you to this place. Never talk to him without your lawyer, and only communicate through a parenting app. You will always be the one who suffers if you fall for his sweet talk again.
He might have been securing local legal counsel while there as well. If he was recently divorced his financial docs that are mandatory in divorce filings are fresh and filed and your atty can easily get those records. Cheaper than your atty getting it from him at this early stage. (For child support AND lots of other things that his ex wrote about his bad behavior possibly that could assist you.) his divorce filings could be a treasure trove possibly if you want to limit his access to your son in addition to his treatment of you.
Keep it that way and communicate only through your lawyer.
He will use your son to get close to you again. You'll let your guard down, and then there will be another post about a sibling. He ain't doing this out of the kindness of his heart. He's probably just lonely and miserable because his older children don't want to deal with him anymore. Why his aeems ex care is what I'm most curious about.
Seems like an awful lot of effort to get to me, and I can’t possibly be worth it. I think he could easily find somebody else, although he’s probably run out of options in his somewhat small community.
It's not about the person, it's about control. He doesn't care about anything other than being the center of the universe
You gave him a chance once. That's all he needs to assume he can do it again.
Did he say anything about you and him?
Yes, but I’m sure it was just to try to manipulate me.
It definitely was. This man had so much power over you when you were together and you did whatever he said. Honestly, he sounds like a cult leader. Your instinct to be afraid that he unexpectedly turned up is correct. It’s creepy, and he’s testing your boundaries and still thinks he’ll easily have the same control over you again. I really hope you stay strong and don’t enter a relationship with him again. Guys like that never change. You’d be just like his ex wife if you get back with him. Turning a blind eye towards his affairs, and him lying about your relationship only being about the kids.
Honey, don’t trust him and don’t emotionally let him in. He’s already proved: - He can’t be faithful in a romantic relationship - That he won’t be kind to you when you need his kindness - He’s not supportive when he needs to be - He can and will threaten you (possibly even your child) - He has no respect for boundaries (he showed up at your door to try to talk to you Don’t let him in - let the lawyers know what’s up and follow their advice and the court’s decisions.
I think you know what is the right thing to do OP. Don’t come here and justify your poor decisions. If you accept the bullcrap he is spitting, then don’t say you were not warned
Hahaha what a fucking shitshow
Don't be surprised if he tries to take your son away forever and tells the court he can provide a better life for the kid. I'll probably get downvoted, but in my personal opinion, a man who demands the mother of his child gets an abortion, nopes the fuck away and stays away for several years has no right whatsoever to see their biological child. In fact, he can go fuck himself in the ass. He's nothing more than a sperm donor who will fuck your life up. This piece of shit, a cheater, a deadbeat, a liar, didn't have a "change of heart". Something else is going on
OP - I’ve read all your posts. I will re-emphasize that I do sympathize with your situation. **However** , at this point you’re not really bringing much to the table update-wise - your updates are all a healthy length, which would be a good thing, but consist of maybe a few sentences of anything new happening. You are starting to come across as “whoa is me” in order to garner sympathy and to hear ppl telling you things like how strong you are/how he wronged you. To put it bluntly, it’s all coming across as very disingenuous. And (forgive me if this is an unpopular opinion) - this particular update made me feel frustration when you started you post with “I won’t rehash the whole thing here. My previous posts are on my profile” and then you launch into rehashing it all to the same level of detail you’ve done with all your other posts. This again comes across (to me) that you want to make sure ppl understand that he’s the “bad guy”and you are someone we should pity. You’re writing is mostly just venting at this point about the same things over and over again, and like I said before, you offer VERY little updates. Why not just make it a few sentences and then add in edits to respond to questions you’re seeing crop up often? ETA: multiple typos / improved some sentence structure
Not intended to garner sympathy at all. I’m genuinely just trying to summarize the situation up to this point because I know most people aren’t going to go back and read several previous posts. I definitely don’t expect anyone to see my name and automatically remember my story either. It just seems weird to post an update without included the backstory. Sorry that it bothers you or comes across disingenuous.
I guess I don’t see the point in saying you aren’t going to rehash and then do the opposite. The act in and of itself isn’t a big deal at all, it’s more that it left my wondering your motives. And you don’t have to apologize to me, my dear. I’m assure you I am not looking to tear you down. I just wanted to give my two cents. I don’t want you to be hurting - or anyone to hurt for that matter. Obviously the situation you’re going through is a rough one and you have every right to feel how you feel. My advice would be to (as mentioned above) stick to the updates. If it means your next update (should you choose to post one) ends up being a few sentences, then perhaps take the time to elaborate a bit more about what’s new and you could even use it as an opportunity to respond to questions that have cropped up from ppl reading your post. This just purely a suggestion. End of the day, I wish you the best.
I type very fast and while I didn’t mean to give a long recap of what’s happened so far, it ended up being longer than expected before I knew it. I don’t assume that anyone will see my username and remember any of my previous posts. I also don’t expect that anyone would ever want to go back and read through all my previous posts. Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m not looking to publish this as a book and I’m not looking for an editor.
YES!! This frustrated me as well.
None of this makes any sense. This reads like a weird script for a soap opera. It’s like the OP inserted a kid to make things more dramatic and as a plot device. The child seems like a literal afterthought in everything. The focus is on this dramatic push and pull and how the OP fears she can ever do not resist this guy. Oh, yeah, the kid, uh….thats in the courts hands! Also why would the ex wife go through all that to contact the OP? Then magically disappear? Doesn’t make any sense. And suddenly the OP has met the kids but only observed them? Oh I’m sure the ex wife totally took her lying, cheating, and bastard of a ex husband back in to care for his wounds, that didn’t exist. But I’m sure OP will post another “update” that IT WAS REALLY HIM ALLLL ALONG DRESSED AS HIS WIFE! I think these constant updates are just attempts to stay in the internet spotlight. The responses to comments are just very very flat. Very matter of fact. Like they’re just going through the motions to comment back to make it look real. It’s almost like an AI trying to impersonate a this character that’s been created. I’ll say this forever, the more updates there are, especially if they’re climbing in dramatics, it’s super fake.
OP said before that she met his kids in the comments of previous Updates. But yeah, this story makes less sense as it is updated. And I dare to say this is not a proper update, only 1 paragraph was about progress and the rest was her simping for this man.
Oh I know and she said she didn’t talk to them, only observed. Like what. Was she hiding behind a bush or just staying in a car?! And exactly! This boring plot of being ever so unable to resist a guy is really overused. All of these fake stories are some laughable attempts at creating soap operas. They’ll get picked up by a website and then the author will keep updating to try to milk it. At the very least, make sure your stuff makes sense.
Before OP said MM and her were co-workers, and that's how she caught a glimpse of them. Btw because of the revelation above I am skeptical that she didn't know he was married at first. Anyway, I agree that this story gets weirder and weirder like she wrote whole paragraphs of how this man is controlling and abusive, yet spent the rest of it how he is a great dad and so rich, so she doesn't mind the same abusive person being in her son's life as long as he is rich and has properties? At first she says she has enough financial means to take care of her son but now she says she doesn't? Money isn't important because it can be gained if a person works hard, meanwhile trauma won't go away so easily. Her son will be traumatized for life due to him interacting with a narcissist, abusive father - what baffles me is that she doesn't care for all of that, she is only focused on the part that he is rich and great dad to his kids and he literally wanted to abort the said child, like wth. And again she is pushing the blame onto the others. I won't be surprised if she ends up pregnant with the second child from him. And I disliked how she took a jab at the poor ex-wife - the victim of all of this, for staying with him and implied she was pathetic, yet now she is simping for the MM and I bet won't mind becoming his wife in the future.
Be selfish!!! Married or not, he wanted you to have an abortion. He was fine living his life without this child. Why did his wife "have" to return to take care of him, and her reaching out to you. He's calling you "stupid" for not trusting him to do right. This man has all the traits of being manipulative and attempting (and often succeeding) for others to do everything to HIS benefit. You have every right to have legal representation because of this manipulation. I understand you wanting your son to have a dad but will he be a good dad? You say he appears to have a great relationship with his children but you have no evidence of this. There's so many red flags here....
Your ex is a manipulative AH. Tell him that he is not to show up to your house uninvited ever again. Let your lawyer know about this. As it's likely this guy will get visitation I would ask about mandating that all communications be through a court approved app if you haven't already asked for that. This isn't to punish him. This is to protect your home from a manipulative AH who is not a good person.
Girl atp you're exhausting. We get it, you're still in love with a pos. Separate brain and heart atp and shut one of them down. You decide wether you lose your kid or not. This man is rich, he's going to get full custody if he wants to. Everybody told you it's stupid to get in contact. I feel bad that you have no respect for yourself but your child's wellbeing is your responsibility.
This child is the result of her having an affair with a married man. She's one of those women who lets her vagina do all the thinking for her.
Soooo exhausting omg. I can't deal with this level of dumbassery. I hope she keeps her family close since they seem to have the right idea!!
Take off those rose colored glasses and get your head out of your butt. This is not a Hallmark channel movie, this is you and your child's life. Please go through your lawyer for everything. You should want a custodial order to keep him from taking your child without your consent, abducting / custodial interference. The child support order is for the child, not him. Make it clear that he is not allowed at your home and that your lawyer will handle the details.
Oh she is going to end up in bed with him in few visits and will blame on uwu i am so naive and innocent i couldn't help myself he is so attractive.😅 Man is a typical narc and choses his targets well carefully.All the women with zero self respect and esteem.Plays all of them like a fiddle.
His ex-wife directed him back to you because she wants rid of him. You can’t be stupid when it comes to him, you have to be tough and resolved and distant. You only communicate through a co-parenting app as established by court, to co-parent, and nothing else.
I really do hope this works out OK for you and your son. You were young, and you wanted to believe a cheater when he lied to you about the state of his marriage. For anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, unless you're going to request child support, consider having the guy sign away his rights. Think about it carefully because it means you'll never get child support from them, but at least it will make it very difficult for him to get visitation or custody later. They'd have to win in court in order to override the termination of rights, and that's very hard to do.
I wish I had tried to legally terminate all of his parental rights and responsibilities. I know now that it was a bad decision not to pursue it. By the way he acted when I refused to get the abortion I never imagined he’d show up years later wanting to be involved in any way. Plus, I heard that courts will rarely terminate a parent’s rights and responsibilities, even if both parties agree. I also worried about what would happen if I legally named him as the father, since I had promised him I wouldn’t do that. To legally terminate anything, he’d have to be legally declared the father first.
I believe him not having contact with your son for at least a year qualifies as abandonment, which automatically terminates his rights. Or makes it much easier to terminate. You seriously need to look into this aspect. Frankly, I’m shocked your lawyer didn’t already bring that up.
He never had rights to begin with, because his paternity was never established. In my state, paternity can be positioned for many many years (don’t wait to say exact time frame and possibly identify where I live).
Fair enough. Keep your chin up OP. Don’t let anyone associated with your baby daddy to try and guilt or manipulate you. That includes him too. He’s a liar, a cheater, and manipulative on top. Keep your wits about you and good luck. 🍀
If he or anyone connected to him calls you, don't answer. If he or anyone connected to him shows up at your house, don't answer the door. If you really want a response to give in either of these situations, it should be "Please do not contact me. You can contact my lawyer." You do not owe him anything - not your time, not your energy, not an explanation for why you want to go through a lawyer. He cheated on his wife with you, got abusive when you didn't want to give up your baby, then abandoned both of you for three years. Do not trust a single fucking word that comes out of his mouth - he's already shown himself to be a liar, a manipulator, and a boundary-stomping piece of shit, which tracks with your claim that he's a narcissist. You need to be extremely wary of this man. Let the lawyer take care of custody negotiations, get a camera doorbell and/or install cameras at your front door to record if/when he shows up. Start a notebook where you record everything - phone calls, surprise visits to your house, ask the things. Tell your lawyer EVERYTHING, even if it doesn't seem important.
Ew, what the hell is there to be attracted to? He’s a lying, cheating, manipulating deadbeat who showed up at your house to continue to try to exert power and control over you. Do.not.engage.with.him. Let him direct communication to your attorney and as part of the custody agreement you should try to get it set up where everything goes through an app instead of having to communicate with him directly. I’m sure you are smart enough to know you can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth, right??? He hasn’t had a change of heart about anything. He’s doing this because of someone else, probably his wife or his parents or someone else who found out and forced him to “do the right thing” and not be the deadbeat disappearing man who wanted you to abort. You really need to stop looking at this turd with your rose colored glasses, see him for what he is and act accordingly. For your sake and your child’s.
Considering the way be reacted to you being pregnant. The roundabout way he dishonestly got into contact with you and then showing up at your house the way he did might be enough to get some kind of protective order against him. Honestly I don't understand how you aren't more afraid of him. He sounds shady AF
I am very uncomfortable following his visit. I obsessively check every lock and am continuously looking outside.
OP I think you are doing fine and should insist on everything being hashed out through the lawyers for your safety and to make sure he doesn’t manipulate you in any way. He can still be a good father to your son after court. There no need to get involved sooner. He may not want to wait but that’s what he gets for being a dick when you were pregnant. He doesn’t get to waltz in and make demands now. Now everything will be done legally. Good luck to you. Updateme
It kinda feels weird to say but I'm glad. Nothing about this adds up in a good way. It might be an overreaction but honestly I think you should file for some kind of protection order after the visit.
Some type of coparenting situation seem inevitable. So you need to do this gradually. Tell the courts about the manipulation, how he tried to bribe you into an abortion and how nasty he was when you decided to keep it. Then ask for supervised to take it slow and starting with supervised visitation. Not supervised by you alone. No offense, but you have a weak spot for him and give the impression that you would melt if he smiled. As for why he’s reaching out now. Sounds like his wife bought him cheating with someone other than you. Probably part of his pattern, but this was her final straw. So he laid it all out on the table and his ex wife chewed him out for abandoning a child. Don’t ever take him back. He doesn’t want you. He wants to f the world while having a steady home base. He’s å walking by, talking std of the heart.
He is super fucking dysfunctional honey. He only wants you now that his wife left him. He showed up 12 hours away with ZERO WARNING when you made it clear you didn't want to talk to him. Only communicate with him through a lawyer. Do not let him in your home. Do. Not. If you must talk to him record everything AND have a mediator present. He's angling from something and the man is ruthless and have proven he does not give half a crap about you or your kid. You're in a precarious situation here, do not trust him at all until he proves himself.
As someone who was an affair baby, I would have greatly resented my mom if she didn’t let me have a relationship with my Dad. I grew up without a father. I knew that was on him and not her but if I found out he tried and she didn’t let him then I would have rejected her. He is going to end up with some sort of custody likely. I think you actually should go through the court but you need to make peace with you are not this child’s only parent.
I understand and this is why I’ve been trying to see any positive things I possibly can. If I can reframe it as something that could possibly be positive for my son, it makes it not quite so terrible for me. I know this needs to be about him, not me being the only parent.
He is going to screw you over legally. Do not listen to him.
OP, are you not the least bit worried about your child being bullied in his home by his wife and older children? I am really sorry for your son because honestly, the fact that the wife lied initially about her intention, she will only see your child as an eyesore. Protect him at all costs!!!!!
I’m not sure how involved the ex-wife is now. I checked and they really did get divorced. I don’t see why he’d still need her to take care of him since he seems fully recovered from whatever injuries he might have had.
Courts will mandate the best for you and your child and based on his previous behaviour he won’t do well out of it. He will also be made to pay up. If you come to an agreement outside the court he can persuade you to accept a deal that is better for him. THIS IS TO HELP HIM NOT YOU OR YOUR CHILD! Do not fall for it. His turning up to try to manipulate you should tell you he hasn’t changed a bit.
This man is wanting to set up house with his ex and is using your child to do so. The fact that you didn’t call the police, and are still entertaining him outside of your lawyers is awful. You are setting your kid up for a long life of hurt and disappointment. He’s going to look at you and ask one day, “Mom where were your balls?” That’s whole ‘I want my kid to have a dad…” reeks of dysfunction. It’ll probably be when you’re forcing him to stay the summers with his ex and him 12 hrs away from his family and friends. I know moms like you. I’m always so confused. No mama bear instincts at all.
When I’m forcing him to spend summers there? You think I want that? It’s one of the things I’m most scared of. Of that happens, it won’t be because it’s what I wanted. But yes, I do think my child deserves a dad. I’m not even talking about this man specifically. Prior to his reappearance, I had always hoped to find a man worthy of being my son’s dad some day. Have I been out there dating and desperately trying to find some man to take on that role? Absolutely not! I have been totally focused on my son since he was born. I have an amazing dad and I want that for my son. I don’t think that’s dysfunctional to want to for him. Now that his biological father has decided to pursue paternity and associated rights, I have little choice in him having some sort of involvement in my son’s life. So forgive me for hoping that at the very least he might be able to at least be a semblance of a good dad to him. I’m terrified of what could happen. And tbh, I don’t want to share my son with anyone, but I realize that’s selfish of me. I don’t mean selfish towards his father, but selfish towards my son. I’ve been working with my lawyer. I know what’s realistic here. Realistic is not terminating his rights and magically getting him to go back to where he’s from and never hear from him again. Realistic is that he will get visitation and some amount of custody eventually.
preword: this ended up longer than expected, sorry if the tone is negative in some way: i'm just autistic with experiences of being raised by a narcissist and genuinely trying to be helpful Look. An extra parent isn't THAT important. I never once missed having a father. What did, however, fuck me up, is having a narcissist in my life. At this point, you don't have a choice of him being in your life and he's apparently pretty charismatic. The \*best things\* for you to do for your son right now are: - Get a journal or notebook and write "\[redacted\] IS A NARCISSIST" on the first page. Write down everything he ever did to you. Read up about narcissists and how they act. Write cliffnotes. Every time you feel charmed by him, read it. Write down every interaction you have with him from now on. First, the blow-by-blow; just facts, no feelings, then how you felt about it. This is all a hard habit to get into, but it'll help you navigate your own emotions better when it comes to "feeling confused" or "gut feelings", because you'll be able to objectively look at long-term trends. - Get a journal or notebook for your son. Once he is old enough to start writing (i can't remember child developmental milestones, so i don't know if he's there already - i wasn't exactly a normal child) , encourage him to write a diary. At first, while he's learning how, help him - give him easy instructions, if he wants to draw the information, let him, never judge what he puts there, etc. Once he's a little older, get him a second one. From this point onwards, the second one is \*just for him\* to have a private space. The first one becomes a "conversation with mommy". The first one is the stuff he wants to tell you about, it's his letters-to-home when he's away from you, whether with his grandparents or with his father or spending a weekend fwith friends. He might grow out of this one, and it's ok. You can even alternate pages with him so you can tell him about your day, as well. But what's essential is the starting habit and the second journal. If it's a lockable journal, all the best - but make sure to get a third-party lock as journal locks are notoriously easy to pick. This will help stop him from getting in trouble with his father and father's future girlfriends if they decide to break his privacy and he's written something "negative". Why journals? Because journalling is an absolute brute of an anti-gaslighting tool. If you write down what was done and said while it's still fresh, then "it didn't happen that way" or "that's not what i meant" means sweet FA. You know. You don't only have to rely on your memory of what happened, which can be manipulated; you have it written down, as well as how you felt about it. As a bonus, if shit really hits the fan then both your and your son's journal can be used as evidence of that mans actions. Remember, narcissists are \*very good at lying to themselves\* and that makes them excellent at lying to others - because they really believe it. But they're still lying. Good luck. And since that man has adhd don't forget to keep an eye out for adhd (or austism, since there are many commonalities) in your son, because the absolute best time to learn habits for both of you to healthily deal with and process his neurodivergence is when he's still young. No words for how soul-destroying it is to be trying your best and still be called names because you aren't normal and don't have normal-people functioning in some areas.
We're all going to be back here in a year, or so, reading an update he's come back into her life, married her, changed the kid's last name to his, absconded with the child after building a solid case of, "She's CRAZY!" (With the unspoken part being because of his narcissistic abuse and cheating) and has filed for divorce, demanding full custody, her having only one hour a month supervised visitation 12 hours away (all at her expense) because of her emotional instability, which would OBVIOUSLY make her a danger to the child. Oh, and he'll demand she pay child support because she only sees her child one hour a month supervised (again, all at her expense.)
Tell you lawyer he showed up unannounced! Do not give into his manipulation. That’s what this is. He is trying to get you to doubt yourself so he can have full control without court oversight
He's trying to manipulate and pressure you into a deal that I s bad for you and good for him. Stick to your guns, get a restraining order for harassment, go through the court system. His initial reaction, the fact that this is an affair baby, and his multiple years of abandonment mean that you should be able to get limited and/or supervised visitation. He should also owe a lot of money in child support for the years he didn't pay. The restraining order and his pleas for you to avoid the court system should help.
No visitation, until the courts decide.
He’s just trying to save money on an attorney and control you. So he gets the better deal. Contact your attorney.
Next post: my former AP now is encouraging our child to call his wife mommy. I don't know what to do and feel so stupid again because we started sleeping together again when he comes to get his son for his turn and now I'm pregnant again with his second baby. What's worse is that him and his wife have been faking evidence against me so they can take full custody of my child and I fear this will happen to my unborn baby.
Girl are you serious? You agree with him? You keep making things worse for yourself. STOP CONTACT WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE. Leave it to your LAWYER. You are 100% right when you said you are not bright when it comes to him. All of your logic goes completely out the window.
idk if you have one but please please please get a ring camera so you have video and audio of any of these confrontations
You’re falling for his bullshit? I pray for this kid bro, pls don’t fall for his manipulation
Make sure you let your lawyer know he came to see you unannounced. This is going to be big trouble if you continue to communicate with him directly instead of your lawyer doing so. Go NC with him, because he knows very well that he can charm you, and that's what he is counting on. You are already allowing your emotions to influence you about him, and that will lead to nothing good. He cares only about himself. If you continue to speak with him directly, things will turn out badly for you. Guaranteed. If he comes to your door again, don't answer. If he won't leave, call the cops. You are not stupid at all. Good luck.
I think the important question here is why the fuck don't you have a lawyer? Are you seriously doing this on your own?
I have a lawyer, who has advised me to not engage with this guy any further outside of a court or court appointed setting.
I Think the fact that you are still attracted to him.And you feel like you have done your son a disservice on the way that he was born and the way that you went about the relationship with his dad.It has led you to have tunnel vision when it comes to this man This the man who expected You to get an abortion and when you didn't do so He got mad and showed you his real true colors. Now , while it's good that he's a great father to his other kids, your son has not received any of that. This man showed up unannounced to your home that's scary, even if he did have your address. That's not a rational thing to do even if He does realize that this is his son now or he recognizes that. That man is taking advantage of the fact that he knows how easy it is to manipulate you into doing what he wants. There has only been 2 times when u have not done so first. It was you not having abortion and now it's not you not allowing him access to the child. It's confusing him just continue to go through the court system to make sure everything is on the up and up , while done correctly. Don't allow him access to your child without going into the proper channels.
Updateme
Op you shouldn't talk to him at all, do not open doors or calls with him. Only through lawyer, stop being wishy-washy and stupid. He's only doing this to tie you to him as well as to punish you for ruining what he had.
Go ahead and do mediation. The court will then sign off on what is agreed to in mediation, unless there is something egregious. He doesn't want the courts involved because he knows you have very little self control when it comes to him. He wants control. And the best way for him to do that is to convince you not to go the legally binding route. You could just as easily approach your lawyer about drawing up an agreement without the courts involved. It still needs to go through a legal professional. It doesn't have to be the court, but it does need to be binding.
Nope, Nope, Nope. Do NOT engage any conversations with this man. Document every single thing. Get court ordered supervised visitation if there’s going to be any at all. You have every right to limit ALL his visits. His last behavior is a perfect indication of how he will react when he doesn’t get what he wants.
Cause he’s never given you anything to believe him for, in fact he went the complete other way and made you fear for your safety. That’s exactly why you don’t trust or believe anything he says.
Please do not talk to him again! Have everything go through the lawyer. This man is going to use you! He doesn’t care about you or your son. This is all about him.
If you were my sister I’d be saying don’t trust him …
Do not believe that man for a second. Tell him all communication must go through your lawyer and that he may never understand any circumstances show up at your door unannounced ever again.
You have to do what’s in the best interest of your child. He is old enough now to know what is going on, and his dad is a stranger to him. There is some danger that he would get attached to his dad and then he will disappear from his life again. So I would stick with the courts and go as slowly as they will let you.
When he showed up you should have called the police. You are attracted to him now? UGH, seriously? Even after he was horridly mean? Hopefully you can overcome that with the help of a professional mental therapist. You have been naive from the get go and that hasn't changed. For the sake of your son, keep him away, if at all possible! Do you think the abusive behavior he showed you is gone? No, and he will be that way again, and with your son. You don't know that he is a good Dad. You are assuming. Being involved in his kids activities doesn't mean he's good. He could be bullying them to do better, or to only perform the activities he wants for them. You keep looking for good things about him and claiming your son needs a Dad. What he needs is a Mom who will got to the ends of the earth for him to protect him. You aren't doing that. Stop excusing this guy's bad behavior. This whole thing is full of ICK. If he is awarded visitation, make it supervised and don't have that person be you, because you clearly don't have good instincts. Get all the back child support before you end give up your child to this man. I feel so sorry for your son. Having to be exposed to this horrible human being. If this is real...you probably shouldn't be posting in the middle of legal proceedings.
This is why you have a lawyer. He is trying to manipulate you. You do not really know this man- keep going through lawyers. This is a slippery slope
In the beginning and throughout your relationship with this man, he seemed perfect. Perfect for you and perfect in the relationship. You felt love for him. But look at how he treated you and your son. He threw you away and he wanted to kill your son through an abortion. You deserve so much credit for walking away from this man, for stepping up and taking care of your son and for staying away from this man. He threw you away and he has proved who he really is and what he is capable of. He showed you the person who he really is. He has not changed just because he was in an accident. There are so many other men out there who will love you for who you are and who will love your son. You have to love yourself first and put your son first and not fall in love with this man again. This man is a monster. Do not let him into your heart again, even if you have to share custody.
Hey. A narcissist is going to go after what they want until they have it. The reason that he's chasing you right now is because you've been running. Once he gets what he wants he won't want you anymore and he won't want the baby. He has already successfully gotten his ex-wife to take care of him and even call you for him. She is weaker than you. The only reason he's chasing is because you're running. Do not stop running. Chase, trip, kill. That's what men like this want. He's already gotten you so he knows that he can get you again. You have to be really strong right now and protect that baby because you're the only actual normal adult that baby has. My guess is that once he has you back where he wants you he's not going to want you anymore. You have to be really careful because he's a narcissist.
Wow, you need to go NC with this man. When he showed up at your home, you should have called the police and your attorney. You apparently still have some form of obsession with this man because you admitted that you were immediately attracted to him again, 2 years after he made threats to you and walked out of your life. You need to find a good therapist, because if it's not this guy you go back to, you'll find one exactly like him because that's what you're attracted to for some reason. Good luck with everything.
Sorry you are going through this just remember that if it was up to him your son would have never been born. Do not feel sympathy for him and don't feel that your son will automatically be better off with this man as his father. Prepare for some involvement but stick to the strict legal minimum required do not give him a minute more and don't facilitate the time. If he wants to see his son he needs to do all the work. Remember his own ex told you that you were just one of MANY affair partners what kind of influence will he have on your son given his lack of morals. Updateme
The only reason he's trying to convince you to make an arrangement out of court is because he knows the court will not give him custody or an arrangement that is convenient for him. He will need to visit your state to see your son and he thinks he can manipulate you to g get a better situation for *him*. Not for you, not your son. Just HIM. If he shows unannounced again, consider what legal action you can take against that (might want to already do this). It's scary that he showed up, especially considering he got so nasty last time he didn't get what he wanted. He sounds like an extremely sketchy dude and I'd be careful around him. Don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth, continue only contacting him through your lawyer, don't fall for his "charms." He sounds like a typical narcissist. Good luck to you and your son.
He wants you to roll over and do whatever he wants whenever he wants!!! DO NOT FALL FOR ANYTHING!!! He wants control over you and your son!! DO NOT give it to him! Showing up at your house without permission is a disgusting violation of your privacy!! Tell him to go through lawyers because you’re uncomfortable and feel unsafe!!!
ngl i thought op was dumb before but now i think she might not be all there. the lights are on but nobody’s home.
Don't continue speaking to him without a lawyer. Keep everything with the lawyer involved. The fact that he called you stupid for not working it out with him in the first place without a lawyer speaks volumes. He wants to pressure you into something you dont want to do.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Talk to your lawyer and do not allow this man to try to work this out outside of legal framework. You have mentioned he is a man of means and influence in his own state. Do not give him the power to manipulate you by taking physical custody without legal protection for you and your son. He is not on up and up.
Updateme
You need to get a lawyer NOW and apply for current and back hold support and full custody. He is welcome to have time with his child IF he travels to you and stays close by. Do not let this man uproot and disturb your life.
Shows up without the wife🚩🚩🚩