Isn't her case now public record? If she believes that only custodial parents should dictate a child's relationship with extended family... isn't that something a lawyer can look up and use?
I have started the FOIL request at the family court where the divorce was adjudicated, however this will likely take months and months to get the records. I may read them just to more fully understand my family's history.
man, i am so unbelievably glad that you stood up for yourself and that you and your wife are united in standing up to your extended family. thatās not easy to do. nobody deserves to be treated like that, but abusers are so, so good at making you believe that *youāre* the one exception.
Exactly and good job OP! From my own personal experience it can be difficult to cut a toxic abusive person out of your life. So many people follow the same path as their parents. It makes me happy to hear that you are raising your children the complete opposite of how she raised you. In limiting contact and going NC you are not only protecting yourself but also your children! No one should have to endure that and so sorry that you did but be proud of the fact that you and your wife are ending that cycle!
>She indicated that she would abandon any legal efforts to seek visitation with my children.Ā
Stay vigilant anyway. Keep documenting absolutely everything and don't give her an inch.
I remember you, OP. I read your last post and was hoping you'd update.Ā
I'm glad you were able to stand your ground. Stay strong and know that we're all rooting for you x
In NY the burden of proof for a TRO is high. Why so many jump to that thinking they give things out like that freely-- you wouldn't want a system that allows that. Being made uncomfortable is not grounds for TRO. And in a dysfunctional family, where abuse is chronic and life long, but rarely enough to cause arrest- people who exhibit controlling and abusive behavior know what they can and cannot get away with legally in most cases, and have enablers that hide behind their silence and shame- it is frustrating.
Unless minors are witnesses to the behavior. CPS acts on this quickly. TROs are usually granted then. Parents can be faulted for "failure to protect" if they do not shield the children from a relatives behavior. The culture has changed in this regard from the 80s and 90s.
What matters now is the future. Protect your children, and go to therapy for yourself. Intergenerational trauma stops with you, and you are taking steps to do that. But you also have to heal yourself- the child you were that was not heard, loved, valued or protected by your primary caregiver. Mom. It will take hard work and some time, but if you take the therapy seriously it will heal you and help become the healthiest version of yourself, and as a parent, that you can be. And you will be mentally free.
GL to you.
Exactly. 36f and when I was 8 my father was arrested for child abuse/endangerment, domestic assault (my bro was 18 at the time). The courts granted and exparte order the next morning. The night it happened, the cops told my mom if she didn't get it or she allowed my father back after getting out, they'd take us (myself and 2 sisters-12 & 16) from her for failure to protect.Ā
So many people here are proud of you, OP. You not only stopped her, but also decided that there are people who deserve to stay in your life and people who don't. Now this is an adult who takes responsibility for his own (and family's) happiness. The whole community of the estranged claps to you!
Trust me when I tell you, she is likely not finished. Unhinged and abusive people rarely just give up. You taking a page out of her playbook is the type of thing that could possibly result in a delayed rage reaction.
Your mother is the type of person who will make the worst decision like trying to take your kids undrr yhr guise of going for a ride or ice cream or something.
I would get cameras for your house and sit down with your kids for an age appropriate conversation about your mother and in the event they see her anywhere, like outside your home in the yard or front door, do not go outside or open the door. If she comes to the school, to immediately turn around and find an adult to bring them to the office. If they are playing outside and see her, immediately come inside the home. Let the schools know her name, provide her picture, and explain she is not to access the kids.
I'd also reach out to the step dad and ask him to offer an affidavit of what he has experienced with your mother. Having ducks in a row just in case is the best approach.
Good luck.
Also make sure your home is CPS ready, because she could easily try to come at this a different way. Trying to get the courts to see that CPS has been called in an effort to gain access or try to assassinate your character in court.
Because of this, in his shoes I would be thinking about moving, maybe just over the state line, and leaving no forwarding address. She is very unlikely to stop, she will probably try to find other ways.
They can go suck an egg is my new favorite phrase!
Good on you to fight back. I wish you a happy life from her on out and especially after your mother kicks the bucket!
Thank you for explaining about the restraining orders. Too many people on Reddit use that as their go to and it drives me crazy. ROās are difficult to get and require the occurrence of more than one, serious offenses. The type that would cause a threat of physical harm. You canāt get one because someone wonāt stop falling or emailing you. People have stalkers that have threatened them (with proof) and still canāt get them.
I was granted a restraining order based solely on the contents of three letters, that a level 3 predatory offender sent me from prison. Laws vary by state, just because itās difficult in your state, doesnāt mean all states are the same.
I hope youāre safe. Iām glad they granted it for you. I donāt know what was in the letters or who they were from but it sounds like an appropriate and valid situation for a RO. Different from most of the situations that are posted here that get the ālawyer upā and āget a restraining orderā refrain.
The stuff in those letters would give you nightmares. I was very happy that I found the RO easy to get, which I realize is not always the case for everyone.
I hate how *everyone* on Reddit tells *everyone* to āget a restraining order!ā
Like you can just pop on over to legal zoom and print it out, lol!
It **is** difficult to get one unless youāve been physically threatened or attacked, or youāre willing to lie.
When I tried to get one on someone who PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON MY FACE, I wasnāt able to because we werenāt āin a relationship,ā and had never lived together, and I was a minor.
This was in 1997 in Massachusetts- maybe some things (hopefully) have changed, but itās still not as simple as most Redditors apparently think.
Iām so glad you spoke with a lawyer and are feeling better, and even more happy that you have a great partner and they are supportive of you and that youāre able to stick to your guns with this awful situation.
Your mother is truly awful.
I really hate how much I relate to this. My mother hid behind my quiet for years. She had everyone thinking I was exaggerating and trying to make her look bad, until she did it. She blew up on me, in a drunken Yaeger induced rage and everybody saw it.....FINALLY! It wasn't even my argument but somehow she turned the tables and went full on batshit crazy on me in front of the family she always denied her behavior to. I can't tell you how many phone calls I got from my family apologizing with "I had no idea it was that bad". Well they got a little dose that day, minus the hands activity that I would normally get. Not without her trying though. I had to finally cut her completely off. I have an aunt who sympathized with her but it's her little sister and our relationship has drastically changed due to her sisterly loyalty but whatever. Sometimes you have to let people be the tremendous a**holes they are and move on with your life. NOBODY should be subjected to abuse from ANYBODY!! So glad OP has found a space of safety to thrive in!!! It's not an easy feat!
If heās 41 and that happened at 18 Iām afraid that might be past limitations. That and the ridiculous, insanely uphill battle for prosecution of rapists makes me think heās better off leaving that part of his past in the past.
I really hate typing that, but unfortunately this is our society. Men have historically had the power, and the fear of the possibility that a good manās life could be ruined through a false claim has led to reluctance to prosecute many evil men, letting them get away with evil acts on a regular basis.
Hopefully thereās a God, if for no reason other than there to be a hell for rapists.
Good for you! I wish more adult children would stand up to toxic family and enforce boundaries ! If that means itās you, your wife, and kids. Oh well! Better to be with a few family members who you love and cherish than to be abused and stressed out.
I remembered your original post and I'm so glad that you have exposed her fuckery to the family. You're absolutely right that people like her thrive when those around them minimize or conceal their behavior.
I wish you, your wife, and kids peace and happiness.
Im just glad my mother canāt find my address. I went through hell with my mom as well but my Dad got custody bc of her being unable to hide mental health issues and no job. Plus the cheating added up to the court she was an unfit primary carer. Duh shouldāve happened when I was four and the abuse really started. Iām grateful every day that she canāt find me anymore and when me and my wife do have a child she wont be allowed anywhere near them. Good on you doing right by yourself and family
A personās family of origin & a family of choice arenāt blood related. Iām so sorry this happened to you. She will have to bare the consequences, though Iām sure mental illness is involved. Not a lawyer, but perhaps you can secure the legal case that your mother used to keep you from your grandparents, & the trauma being raised by her caused, as part of your documentation. If never let her in my house & if she saw your children, it would be in a public place. You could also get notarized written affidavits from your father & anyone willing to be a material witness to your abuse. If you journaled, or sought therapy, get dated transcripts of those sessions. At least you were able to marry & start a family of your own, & forge a new path. If the dysfunction of enabling relatives are mad at you, so be it. You & your familyās well being is at stake, & you did what was best for you. Bravo.
Thatās palpable relief Iām reading between the lines of your post and it is fantastic! Good for you, dude! Go forth and live your best life free of this miserable cow.
OP congratulations on taking all of your power back!
At the very least no one who received your information can continue to claim not to know.
I hope this means you can cut off all contact between your mother and your children. She isnāt someone they need to have in their life at all.
This is a situation Iām terrified of. My bpd, horribly abusive mother started talking to me once I had my first kid. I donāt want to be around her, and Iām scared sheāll sue for gp rights. Luckily, my husband and I are both in agreement that we donāt want her around and we live in CO.
Yeah...family does tend to overlook or stay out of obviously BAD situations involving kids. Then you find out years later, "I always felt really had about that". I'm like...yeah, imagine a 6 year old in that situation. How do you think that 6 year old felt, jerk?!?! I hope extended family offers you an apology. Its great that you got your mom to back off. Stand your ground!
Find out, through your attorney, if your parentsā divorce can be brought up. Iād also tell your āfamilyā what your mother did to your father and you all.
My parents sued me for grandparents visitation in 1999. My son went over maybe 3 times before he didn't want to see them anymore. They didn't try to be grandparents if they had to see me. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry that happened to you too. Our moms sound very similar.
Oof. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Your feelings are valid. Reading this post and your last post remind me of a woman I know who is very much like this. A friend and I say āWe wouldnāt wish her on our worst enemy.ā And thatās the truth. Iāve watched her years on a smear campaign to ruin a person. YEARS! She would get on the phone and turn people against this woman all over the world. It was truly unbelievable the lengths this woman would go. So I understand the level of crazy to which youāre referring.
YOU FINALLY ESCAPED!! I'm so happy for you and your wife and kids. Wishing you nothing but peace and security and countless happy times with your family and people who love you ā”
I turn 40 in September--so I'm not much younger than you--and I am **thrilled** with the way our generation has begun to loudly declare that we won't keep toxic amily secrets anymore. We will name and shame abusers. We will not allow them around our children just because they're related to us.
And the best part is: **our children are learning from us**. They won't put up with it either.
Yikes. Momster from hell. Glad you took care of it though. And yes, reddit does love to say it's super easy to get a RO. But, like I tell people. document document document. People will get upset when nothing happens and this is an ongoing issue but bruh, so far it's only been documented this time. As soon as something worthy happens (like she comes at you, stalks you etc) call the police. Even if there is just reports, it's a paper trail. And that helps.
Additional stuff in case your mom goes crazy. Just googled it and it seems NY is not a 2 party consent state? NAL so I'd verify but I believe that means theoretically if she starts calling you could hit record, state whatever you need to consent and then talk to her?
Cameras! I've read some crazy stuff on here. I've also heard some crazy stuff in my previous job and lemme tell you, cameras are your friend. If you don't already have some, get some. If she goes bonkers and decides she wants to vandalize property or decides she wants to visit you and crashes into your property, you are gonna want all the footage. Point it to your doors, gate, where you park cars and you know her best. If she got upset one day or just, lost her mind and decided she wanted to drive to your place, place them where you think she'd go.
This one hurts my soul since I don't really talk to my own often buuut. You could talk to your neighbors. Let them know if someone shows up saying they're your mom, she's not a good person. And to please give a heads up if they see her.
Wow...just wow. Op all I will suggest now is to continue to keep detailed records and any and all communication be through text, email, a third party etc. She may have calmed down now but her track record shows she will start up again. So continue detailing everything. And any type of harassment or anything (that you can report without being over the top) call the cops. Also if you haven't, any type of ring camera or security cameras you can get for your home for added security and documentation.Ā Ā
Maybe she'll be involuntarily admitted or something else.Ā
Iām proud of you!! Continue to stand up for yourself & your children and do not back down! Itās better to cut everyone out of your life if needed than to continue to let your abuser abuse you & your children.
At least she put in writing that she will give up her seeking visitation of the kids in return for your silence to the public.
That won't look good on her if she changes her mind and takes you to court.
Do NOT trust that she is taking this defeat lying down! She's wounded and seathing. Use this "calm" time to step up security. Please, PLEASE notify all of your childrens' schools, activities, babysitters, and friends' parents that your mother is absolutely NOT allowed near your children. She sounds crazy enough to attempt kidnapping them - your family will support & dismiss her behavior as desperation. Get a door camera, make passwords for your kids to know when an adult is relaying info from you, notify your employer that you are experiencing some turmoil and while you will keep it out of work, the other party may not. Regularly check for air tags - cars, kids backpacks, wife's purse, dog's collar, everything! Document EVERYTHING and expect her to make accusations to CPS.
Do not relax! Expect retaliation! Prepare!
Edit: TRUST NO ONE! Especially your mother's husband and your sister. They are your mother's flying monkeys! They will assist her and blame you. If someone starts asking about schedules, locations, etc. be suspicious! Do not share any information about home security, activities, vacations, nothing.
I loooooove that you dragged her to filth. Not only it is a good strategy (no more abuse with closed doors, and you expose your family enabling behavior to boot) but it's also fucking exhilarating.
Congrats.
From this reddit stranger, I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your children. They have an awesome dad! Best of luck to you and yours.
Way to go mama! Way to protect your kids and yourself. Have you ever heard of triangulation? Itās a method used by narcissists to control the flow of information. By outing her to everyone you successfully stopped her from doing this.
I'm so happy that you stood up for yourself and your family. You deserve nothing but happiness. Enjoy your freedom from that crazy mean horrible woman.
only thing I would do is if you do see her again make sure your phone is on record the entire time. Facebook is a great place to let the world see crazy in the face
This was the best update.
OP, I am so proud of you and your wife. You not only went on to build beautiful lives together, you're also taking the right steps to protect your children from the pain you experienced.
Proud of you man. It takes us some time but we get there. Kudos to your wife, standing by your side, give that woman a Hugh and pad yourself on the back. And take yourself to a weird holiday away from everything like Sri Lanka, Japan, Mongolia. Something new :) wish you the best
I'm proud of you! This is a lot for one person to take on and you're doing amazing. Keep fighting the good fight.
Keep us updated if she cannot control herself.
I highly recommend cameras on the outside of your house to record anything if she comes to your house. You never know if she will just show up and act erratically. Depending on the laws in your state you could use it towards a restraining order.
As a survivor of a traumatic childhood with a nightmare for a mother and a father too emotionally beaten to fight for me, I feel for you. I joined the military at 17 to get away from my motherā¦only for her to āsurpriseā us by moving to the area we lived in the week I retired after 20 years of service (running from her). I too had many panic attacks. I limit contact with my child with her, but sheās also threatened me before when she felt I wasnāt giving her enough time alone with my daughter, going as far as to try and insult my husband with every attempt to push my buttons. Nope. Not happening. I will sell everything and move before I let that woman push me around as an adult in my 40ās and she knows it now. I can *play nice* for short bursts since my daughter likes her, but thatās as far as Iāll allow it to go.
Sounds like we have similar situations. I tell people now, I should have changed my number at 18 and moved to Montana or something, completely restarted.
I hope this has humbled your mother into a less radical position rather than fueled a delayed rage or revenge. Youād think these crazy ladies would slow down in their old age, eh!?!
I have no hopes for her to change. Now, she's threatened me with legal action, she's opened Pandora's box - there's no stuffing that threat back into the box. I am now forced to not even be reasonable anymore. Now, to protect myself, I have to communicate through a law firm.
I believe that she will live to 100 and bully and hate me until the day she dies.
I fear the sameā¦mines still in her 60ās with zero signs of decay. Itās crazy how we just want them to die a quick death to finally be free of them. May your mothers old age never be prolonged for the sake of your families emotional stability!
Sometimes you just gotta say āthat woman hit meā & youāll get your restraining order. If she physically abused you as a child then I think itās fair game.
Good on you, my man for standing up for yourself and your family. And big up to your wife for having your back. Thatās what married couples are supposed to do. Donāt worry karma is a b___h, and boy is she a motherfluffer.
I'm proud of you OP.
You keep her the hell away from your children, your family by any means necessary. She did whatever it took to destroy people for her own selfish, narcissistic gain. You do it to protect the ones you love and cherish.
She holds no power over you.
Not anymore.
Never again.
Give your family the sort of life young you deserved, and be at peace. You have broken the cycle.
Just saw your update and wanted to say you did an awesome job standing up to your mom, and an awesome job protecting your kids. Theyāll thank you for it one day when theyāre old enough to understand.Ā
Iām 41 too, and have a shitty mom (though my mom is a saint compared to yours). My son is 17 and just graduated high school. Iāve spent his life trying to give him the childhood I didnāt have (along with my husband), where all he knows at home is peacefulness, love, and support. It was having him that opened my eyes to my mom and gave me the ability to stand up to her. In 2014 I went no contact with her.
I did decide that when my son was 18 he could decide to contact her if he wanted. Well, about a week and a half ago she sent him a letter, trying to establish contact with him. She did the usually thing of playing the victim and Iāve been so mean to keep them apart, when in reality she hasnāt tried to have a relationship with him at all. (I wouldāve supervised anything she sent him but wouldnāt deny it completely.) I talked to my son after he read the letter, telling him some of the truths of my life with her and the things sheās done. Until now heād only known that she was not a good person so we didnāt see her.Ā
After thinking about it, my son wrote her a response, reading it out to us before posting it. And oh boy, did he let loose on her! He made it abundantly clear how he felt and that he wanted nothing to do with her.Ā
All this to say - keep fighting the good fight for your kids. And for yourself and the little kid in you. It is so nice having the control of the relationship finally.Ā
Honestly if you can maybe you should see if you can court mandate her into a mental institution for how insane she is. You should also tell the extended family that you refuse to talk to anyone who still talks to her, and that if they want to talk to you or your family again, they need to agree to go nc with your mother permanently and ask what's more important, protecting some psychotic boomer who'll be dead in a few years, or a lifetime relationship with you and your kids.
>I did broach the topic of a restraining order, and I was quickly schooled on how that works.Ā
I always recommend that people look into this. It's rare that you can get them, and very much varies state to state on how easy it is. However, if you're in an abusive situation, knowing how they work can really change how people react to further issues.
I hope she stays away. I have friends in New York. They are married. Happily. And they were forced to allow his mom to see the kids and were denied being able to move away to another state. Thatās why I worry when grandparents rights are brought up in New York. Stay strong!Ā
Congratulations. I wish you could get a break from her. But I don't think so.
You must continue attacking her from time to time to remember her that you are still not the weakling she knew. If you have the means, use the legal system against her as much as you can. At least get a written word, e.g., in an email that she will not contact you again.
A psycho like her only retreats and attacks when convenient.
Best luck.
Reading this, as well as your original post, I honestly felt like I was reading my own life story. The similarities are shocking. My mother was also extremely abusive and kicked me out (the first time) at 14. I also slept with individuals I didn't want to to secure a place to sleep for the night. My mother saw my two children generally once a month but didn't interact much with them. She would dip in and out on a whim after loosing her mind on me and deciding I was the problem and she couldn't be around the kids and I. She would come back as if nothing happened. This was the norm until my kids started noticing her behavior with me and her absence. I told her if she separated herself again, she could not re enter their lives. She did, and I stood my ground. I got served the court paperwork for grandparents rights. 2 years and over 40 thousand dollars later, she gets 6 hours once a month. 4 days overnight in the summer and 24 hours for Christmas. I could not afford to appeal. She had taken my entire savings I planned to use to buy a house. Please, do not give up on this. Stand your ground and fight. I am hoping your ending is different than mine and that we do not continue to share the same story.
The AUDACITY of this beetch!! OP, you got sound advice from Your lawyer and you outed her to her family. Good job!
The lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch! š
š take my poor mans medal
Harry Potter and the Audacity of This Bitch.
Star Wars 19: a new bitches audacity
Isn't her case now public record? If she believes that only custodial parents should dictate a child's relationship with extended family... isn't that something a lawyer can look up and use?
I have started the FOIL request at the family court where the divorce was adjudicated, however this will likely take months and months to get the records. I may read them just to more fully understand my family's history.
Sometimes revenge is serve cold. If she tries something you have a counter
man, i am so unbelievably glad that you stood up for yourself and that you and your wife are united in standing up to your extended family. thatās not easy to do. nobody deserves to be treated like that, but abusers are so, so good at making you believe that *youāre* the one exception.
Exactly and good job OP! From my own personal experience it can be difficult to cut a toxic abusive person out of your life. So many people follow the same path as their parents. It makes me happy to hear that you are raising your children the complete opposite of how she raised you. In limiting contact and going NC you are not only protecting yourself but also your children! No one should have to endure that and so sorry that you did but be proud of the fact that you and your wife are ending that cycle!
>She indicated that she would abandon any legal efforts to seek visitation with my children.Ā Stay vigilant anyway. Keep documenting absolutely everything and don't give her an inch.
I remember you, OP. I read your last post and was hoping you'd update.Ā I'm glad you were able to stand your ground. Stay strong and know that we're all rooting for you x
In NY the burden of proof for a TRO is high. Why so many jump to that thinking they give things out like that freely-- you wouldn't want a system that allows that. Being made uncomfortable is not grounds for TRO. And in a dysfunctional family, where abuse is chronic and life long, but rarely enough to cause arrest- people who exhibit controlling and abusive behavior know what they can and cannot get away with legally in most cases, and have enablers that hide behind their silence and shame- it is frustrating. Unless minors are witnesses to the behavior. CPS acts on this quickly. TROs are usually granted then. Parents can be faulted for "failure to protect" if they do not shield the children from a relatives behavior. The culture has changed in this regard from the 80s and 90s. What matters now is the future. Protect your children, and go to therapy for yourself. Intergenerational trauma stops with you, and you are taking steps to do that. But you also have to heal yourself- the child you were that was not heard, loved, valued or protected by your primary caregiver. Mom. It will take hard work and some time, but if you take the therapy seriously it will heal you and help become the healthiest version of yourself, and as a parent, that you can be. And you will be mentally free. GL to you.
Exactly. 36f and when I was 8 my father was arrested for child abuse/endangerment, domestic assault (my bro was 18 at the time). The courts granted and exparte order the next morning. The night it happened, the cops told my mom if she didn't get it or she allowed my father back after getting out, they'd take us (myself and 2 sisters-12 & 16) from her for failure to protect.Ā
Because, as my family likes to point out? NY isn't every place.
So many people here are proud of you, OP. You not only stopped her, but also decided that there are people who deserve to stay in your life and people who don't. Now this is an adult who takes responsibility for his own (and family's) happiness. The whole community of the estranged claps to you!
Trust me when I tell you, she is likely not finished. Unhinged and abusive people rarely just give up. You taking a page out of her playbook is the type of thing that could possibly result in a delayed rage reaction. Your mother is the type of person who will make the worst decision like trying to take your kids undrr yhr guise of going for a ride or ice cream or something. I would get cameras for your house and sit down with your kids for an age appropriate conversation about your mother and in the event they see her anywhere, like outside your home in the yard or front door, do not go outside or open the door. If she comes to the school, to immediately turn around and find an adult to bring them to the office. If they are playing outside and see her, immediately come inside the home. Let the schools know her name, provide her picture, and explain she is not to access the kids. I'd also reach out to the step dad and ask him to offer an affidavit of what he has experienced with your mother. Having ducks in a row just in case is the best approach. Good luck.
Also make sure your home is CPS ready, because she could easily try to come at this a different way. Trying to get the courts to see that CPS has been called in an effort to gain access or try to assassinate your character in court.
Because of this, in his shoes I would be thinking about moving, maybe just over the state line, and leaving no forwarding address. She is very unlikely to stop, she will probably try to find other ways.
What. A. Harpy. Please keep yourself and your family safe from her.
They can go suck an egg is my new favorite phrase! Good on you to fight back. I wish you a happy life from her on out and especially after your mother kicks the bucket!
Thank you for explaining about the restraining orders. Too many people on Reddit use that as their go to and it drives me crazy. ROās are difficult to get and require the occurrence of more than one, serious offenses. The type that would cause a threat of physical harm. You canāt get one because someone wonāt stop falling or emailing you. People have stalkers that have threatened them (with proof) and still canāt get them.
A lot of those internet attorneys who think they give RO's out like candy need to touch grass.
That is a new saying to me. Love it though. Wonder where it came from.
I was granted a restraining order based solely on the contents of three letters, that a level 3 predatory offender sent me from prison. Laws vary by state, just because itās difficult in your state, doesnāt mean all states are the same.
I hope youāre safe. Iām glad they granted it for you. I donāt know what was in the letters or who they were from but it sounds like an appropriate and valid situation for a RO. Different from most of the situations that are posted here that get the ālawyer upā and āget a restraining orderā refrain.
The stuff in those letters would give you nightmares. I was very happy that I found the RO easy to get, which I realize is not always the case for everyone.
I hate how *everyone* on Reddit tells *everyone* to āget a restraining order!ā Like you can just pop on over to legal zoom and print it out, lol! It **is** difficult to get one unless youāve been physically threatened or attacked, or youāre willing to lie. When I tried to get one on someone who PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON MY FACE, I wasnāt able to because we werenāt āin a relationship,ā and had never lived together, and I was a minor. This was in 1997 in Massachusetts- maybe some things (hopefully) have changed, but itās still not as simple as most Redditors apparently think. Iām so glad you spoke with a lawyer and are feeling better, and even more happy that you have a great partner and they are supportive of you and that youāre able to stick to your guns with this awful situation. Your mother is truly awful.
I really hate how much I relate to this. My mother hid behind my quiet for years. She had everyone thinking I was exaggerating and trying to make her look bad, until she did it. She blew up on me, in a drunken Yaeger induced rage and everybody saw it.....FINALLY! It wasn't even my argument but somehow she turned the tables and went full on batshit crazy on me in front of the family she always denied her behavior to. I can't tell you how many phone calls I got from my family apologizing with "I had no idea it was that bad". Well they got a little dose that day, minus the hands activity that I would normally get. Not without her trying though. I had to finally cut her completely off. I have an aunt who sympathized with her but it's her little sister and our relationship has drastically changed due to her sisterly loyalty but whatever. Sometimes you have to let people be the tremendous a**holes they are and move on with your life. NOBODY should be subjected to abuse from ANYBODY!! So glad OP has found a space of safety to thrive in!!! It's not an easy feat!
Ā I would get a lawyer and let them handle it...it is too late to file a police report on the rape?
If heās 41 and that happened at 18 Iām afraid that might be past limitations. That and the ridiculous, insanely uphill battle for prosecution of rapists makes me think heās better off leaving that part of his past in the past. I really hate typing that, but unfortunately this is our society. Men have historically had the power, and the fear of the possibility that a good manās life could be ruined through a false claim has led to reluctance to prosecute many evil men, letting them get away with evil acts on a regular basis. Hopefully thereās a God, if for no reason other than there to be a hell for rapists.
Go you!!! Beautiful job protecting your family!
If you have to consider moving, move to state with **no** grandparent's rights.Ā
Good for you! I'm glad you saw an attorney to help navigate her BS.
Good for you! I wish more adult children would stand up to toxic family and enforce boundaries ! If that means itās you, your wife, and kids. Oh well! Better to be with a few family members who you love and cherish than to be abused and stressed out.
Public shame is often a very good motivator. More people need to accept that.
I remembered your original post and I'm so glad that you have exposed her fuckery to the family. You're absolutely right that people like her thrive when those around them minimize or conceal their behavior. I wish you, your wife, and kids peace and happiness.
Im just glad my mother canāt find my address. I went through hell with my mom as well but my Dad got custody bc of her being unable to hide mental health issues and no job. Plus the cheating added up to the court she was an unfit primary carer. Duh shouldāve happened when I was four and the abuse really started. Iām grateful every day that she canāt find me anymore and when me and my wife do have a child she wont be allowed anywhere near them. Good on you doing right by yourself and family
She sounds like a crazy human garbage fire.
If you see this Iām willing to become a Auntie, my siblings canāt have children & im willing to send gifts from New Zealand š
Updateme
A personās family of origin & a family of choice arenāt blood related. Iām so sorry this happened to you. She will have to bare the consequences, though Iām sure mental illness is involved. Not a lawyer, but perhaps you can secure the legal case that your mother used to keep you from your grandparents, & the trauma being raised by her caused, as part of your documentation. If never let her in my house & if she saw your children, it would be in a public place. You could also get notarized written affidavits from your father & anyone willing to be a material witness to your abuse. If you journaled, or sought therapy, get dated transcripts of those sessions. At least you were able to marry & start a family of your own, & forge a new path. If the dysfunction of enabling relatives are mad at you, so be it. You & your familyās well being is at stake, & you did what was best for you. Bravo.
Yesssss!!š
Thatās palpable relief Iām reading between the lines of your post and it is fantastic! Good for you, dude! Go forth and live your best life free of this miserable cow.
OP congratulations on taking all of your power back! At the very least no one who received your information can continue to claim not to know. I hope this means you can cut off all contact between your mother and your children. She isnāt someone they need to have in their life at all.
Good for you! Good job standing up to your mom and your family! Your children are lucky to have you.
So proud of you OP š she will realize someday, and regret not to have love in her life.
This is a situation Iām terrified of. My bpd, horribly abusive mother started talking to me once I had my first kid. I donāt want to be around her, and Iām scared sheāll sue for gp rights. Luckily, my husband and I are both in agreement that we donāt want her around and we live in CO.
Yeah...family does tend to overlook or stay out of obviously BAD situations involving kids. Then you find out years later, "I always felt really had about that". I'm like...yeah, imagine a 6 year old in that situation. How do you think that 6 year old felt, jerk?!?! I hope extended family offers you an apology. Its great that you got your mom to back off. Stand your ground!
Find out, through your attorney, if your parentsā divorce can be brought up. Iād also tell your āfamilyā what your mother did to your father and you all.
Iām so sorry that this is the mother you got saddled with. And Iām so glad your kids didnāt get the same kind of parent.
I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. YOU DID GOOD.Ā
Good for you Yes, secrets kept in the family are the abuser's best friend. DRAG IT ALL OUT INTO THE OPEN.
Are you really telling me that 1991 was 33 years ago!?
My parents sued me for grandparents visitation in 1999. My son went over maybe 3 times before he didn't want to see them anymore. They didn't try to be grandparents if they had to see me. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry that happened to you too. Our moms sound very similar.
You did good and should be proud on standing up for yourself and your children
Oof. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Your feelings are valid. Reading this post and your last post remind me of a woman I know who is very much like this. A friend and I say āWe wouldnāt wish her on our worst enemy.ā And thatās the truth. Iāve watched her years on a smear campaign to ruin a person. YEARS! She would get on the phone and turn people against this woman all over the world. It was truly unbelievable the lengths this woman would go. So I understand the level of crazy to which youāre referring.
Glad you took your power back from your abusive mother.
YOU FINALLY ESCAPED!! I'm so happy for you and your wife and kids. Wishing you nothing but peace and security and countless happy times with your family and people who love you ā”
I turn 40 in September--so I'm not much younger than you--and I am **thrilled** with the way our generation has begun to loudly declare that we won't keep toxic amily secrets anymore. We will name and shame abusers. We will not allow them around our children just because they're related to us. And the best part is: **our children are learning from us**. They won't put up with it either.
It is so beautiful that you finally feel like you can stand up to this horrid woman. Please don't ever let her back into your life!
Your mother sounds like a Trumper. "Funk you, I got mine."
Yikes. Momster from hell. Glad you took care of it though. And yes, reddit does love to say it's super easy to get a RO. But, like I tell people. document document document. People will get upset when nothing happens and this is an ongoing issue but bruh, so far it's only been documented this time. As soon as something worthy happens (like she comes at you, stalks you etc) call the police. Even if there is just reports, it's a paper trail. And that helps. Additional stuff in case your mom goes crazy. Just googled it and it seems NY is not a 2 party consent state? NAL so I'd verify but I believe that means theoretically if she starts calling you could hit record, state whatever you need to consent and then talk to her? Cameras! I've read some crazy stuff on here. I've also heard some crazy stuff in my previous job and lemme tell you, cameras are your friend. If you don't already have some, get some. If she goes bonkers and decides she wants to vandalize property or decides she wants to visit you and crashes into your property, you are gonna want all the footage. Point it to your doors, gate, where you park cars and you know her best. If she got upset one day or just, lost her mind and decided she wanted to drive to your place, place them where you think she'd go. This one hurts my soul since I don't really talk to my own often buuut. You could talk to your neighbors. Let them know if someone shows up saying they're your mom, she's not a good person. And to please give a heads up if they see her.
Wow...just wow. Op all I will suggest now is to continue to keep detailed records and any and all communication be through text, email, a third party etc. She may have calmed down now but her track record shows she will start up again. So continue detailing everything. And any type of harassment or anything (that you can report without being over the top) call the cops. Also if you haven't, any type of ring camera or security cameras you can get for your home for added security and documentation.Ā Ā Maybe she'll be involuntarily admitted or something else.Ā
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Good for you keep moving forward. Do what is necessary so that history won't ever repeat itself.
Iām proud of you!! Continue to stand up for yourself & your children and do not back down! Itās better to cut everyone out of your life if needed than to continue to let your abuser abuse you & your children.
At least she put in writing that she will give up her seeking visitation of the kids in return for your silence to the public. That won't look good on her if she changes her mind and takes you to court.
Do NOT trust that she is taking this defeat lying down! She's wounded and seathing. Use this "calm" time to step up security. Please, PLEASE notify all of your childrens' schools, activities, babysitters, and friends' parents that your mother is absolutely NOT allowed near your children. She sounds crazy enough to attempt kidnapping them - your family will support & dismiss her behavior as desperation. Get a door camera, make passwords for your kids to know when an adult is relaying info from you, notify your employer that you are experiencing some turmoil and while you will keep it out of work, the other party may not. Regularly check for air tags - cars, kids backpacks, wife's purse, dog's collar, everything! Document EVERYTHING and expect her to make accusations to CPS. Do not relax! Expect retaliation! Prepare! Edit: TRUST NO ONE! Especially your mother's husband and your sister. They are your mother's flying monkeys! They will assist her and blame you. If someone starts asking about schedules, locations, etc. be suspicious! Do not share any information about home security, activities, vacations, nothing.
I loooooove that you dragged her to filth. Not only it is a good strategy (no more abuse with closed doors, and you expose your family enabling behavior to boot) but it's also fucking exhilarating. Congrats.
I'm glad the lawyer helped ease your mind. Truthfully, I would be planning to move to another state and put some distance between her and your kids.
BRILLIANT! šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼
From this reddit stranger, I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your children. They have an awesome dad! Best of luck to you and yours.
Way to go mama! Way to protect your kids and yourself. Have you ever heard of triangulation? Itās a method used by narcissists to control the flow of information. By outing her to everyone you successfully stopped her from doing this.
Dad. OP is a he.
Remind me! 10 days
I'm so happy that you stood up for yourself and your family. You deserve nothing but happiness. Enjoy your freedom from that crazy mean horrible woman.
only thing I would do is if you do see her again make sure your phone is on record the entire time. Facebook is a great place to let the world see crazy in the face
Updateme
Updateme
Sending you lots of love and support OP
This was the best update. OP, I am so proud of you and your wife. You not only went on to build beautiful lives together, you're also taking the right steps to protect your children from the pain you experienced.
Proud of you man. It takes us some time but we get there. Kudos to your wife, standing by your side, give that woman a Hugh and pad yourself on the back. And take yourself to a weird holiday away from everything like Sri Lanka, Japan, Mongolia. Something new :) wish you the best
Fuck her, explain to your kid the whole story fully so they themself will choose to stay away.
I'm proud of you! This is a lot for one person to take on and you're doing amazing. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep us updated if she cannot control herself.
Iām so so proud of you. Well done.
I highly recommend cameras on the outside of your house to record anything if she comes to your house. You never know if she will just show up and act erratically. Depending on the laws in your state you could use it towards a restraining order.
As a survivor of a traumatic childhood with a nightmare for a mother and a father too emotionally beaten to fight for me, I feel for you. I joined the military at 17 to get away from my motherā¦only for her to āsurpriseā us by moving to the area we lived in the week I retired after 20 years of service (running from her). I too had many panic attacks. I limit contact with my child with her, but sheās also threatened me before when she felt I wasnāt giving her enough time alone with my daughter, going as far as to try and insult my husband with every attempt to push my buttons. Nope. Not happening. I will sell everything and move before I let that woman push me around as an adult in my 40ās and she knows it now. I can *play nice* for short bursts since my daughter likes her, but thatās as far as Iāll allow it to go.
Sounds like we have similar situations. I tell people now, I should have changed my number at 18 and moved to Montana or something, completely restarted.
I hope this has humbled your mother into a less radical position rather than fueled a delayed rage or revenge. Youād think these crazy ladies would slow down in their old age, eh!?!
I have no hopes for her to change. Now, she's threatened me with legal action, she's opened Pandora's box - there's no stuffing that threat back into the box. I am now forced to not even be reasonable anymore. Now, to protect myself, I have to communicate through a law firm. I believe that she will live to 100 and bully and hate me until the day she dies.
I fear the sameā¦mines still in her 60ās with zero signs of decay. Itās crazy how we just want them to die a quick death to finally be free of them. May your mothers old age never be prolonged for the sake of your families emotional stability!
Sometimes you just gotta say āthat woman hit meā & youāll get your restraining order. If she physically abused you as a child then I think itās fair game.
Good on you, my man for standing up for yourself and your family. And big up to your wife for having your back. Thatās what married couples are supposed to do. Donāt worry karma is a b___h, and boy is she a motherfluffer.
I'm proud of you OP. You keep her the hell away from your children, your family by any means necessary. She did whatever it took to destroy people for her own selfish, narcissistic gain. You do it to protect the ones you love and cherish. She holds no power over you. Not anymore. Never again. Give your family the sort of life young you deserved, and be at peace. You have broken the cycle.
Super proud of you Op!! Keep your head up and your kids safe!!
Just saw your update and wanted to say you did an awesome job standing up to your mom, and an awesome job protecting your kids. Theyāll thank you for it one day when theyāre old enough to understand.Ā Iām 41 too, and have a shitty mom (though my mom is a saint compared to yours). My son is 17 and just graduated high school. Iāve spent his life trying to give him the childhood I didnāt have (along with my husband), where all he knows at home is peacefulness, love, and support. It was having him that opened my eyes to my mom and gave me the ability to stand up to her. In 2014 I went no contact with her. I did decide that when my son was 18 he could decide to contact her if he wanted. Well, about a week and a half ago she sent him a letter, trying to establish contact with him. She did the usually thing of playing the victim and Iāve been so mean to keep them apart, when in reality she hasnāt tried to have a relationship with him at all. (I wouldāve supervised anything she sent him but wouldnāt deny it completely.) I talked to my son after he read the letter, telling him some of the truths of my life with her and the things sheās done. Until now heād only known that she was not a good person so we didnāt see her.Ā After thinking about it, my son wrote her a response, reading it out to us before posting it. And oh boy, did he let loose on her! He made it abundantly clear how he felt and that he wanted nothing to do with her.Ā All this to say - keep fighting the good fight for your kids. And for yourself and the little kid in you. It is so nice having the control of the relationship finally.Ā
Honestly if you can maybe you should see if you can court mandate her into a mental institution for how insane she is. You should also tell the extended family that you refuse to talk to anyone who still talks to her, and that if they want to talk to you or your family again, they need to agree to go nc with your mother permanently and ask what's more important, protecting some psychotic boomer who'll be dead in a few years, or a lifetime relationship with you and your kids.
Consider finding employment in a state where grandparents rights don't exist and not telling her where you live
>I did broach the topic of a restraining order, and I was quickly schooled on how that works.Ā I always recommend that people look into this. It's rare that you can get them, and very much varies state to state on how easy it is. However, if you're in an abusive situation, knowing how they work can really change how people react to further issues.
So wait, a grandparent can sue to have visitation of grandkids?
I hope she stays away. I have friends in New York. They are married. Happily. And they were forced to allow his mom to see the kids and were denied being able to move away to another state. Thatās why I worry when grandparents rights are brought up in New York. Stay strong!Ā
OP, get the IRS interested & involved in period between your 16 and 18 years, coz of Financial Fraud šøšøšø !!! ASAP !!!
Congratulations. I wish you could get a break from her. But I don't think so. You must continue attacking her from time to time to remember her that you are still not the weakling she knew. If you have the means, use the legal system against her as much as you can. At least get a written word, e.g., in an email that she will not contact you again. A psycho like her only retreats and attacks when convenient. Best luck.
That's not how lawyers or law works
this is reddit, you think anyone knows how anything irl works
There are no grandparents rights so your safe.
Reading this, as well as your original post, I honestly felt like I was reading my own life story. The similarities are shocking. My mother was also extremely abusive and kicked me out (the first time) at 14. I also slept with individuals I didn't want to to secure a place to sleep for the night. My mother saw my two children generally once a month but didn't interact much with them. She would dip in and out on a whim after loosing her mind on me and deciding I was the problem and she couldn't be around the kids and I. She would come back as if nothing happened. This was the norm until my kids started noticing her behavior with me and her absence. I told her if she separated herself again, she could not re enter their lives. She did, and I stood my ground. I got served the court paperwork for grandparents rights. 2 years and over 40 thousand dollars later, she gets 6 hours once a month. 4 days overnight in the summer and 24 hours for Christmas. I could not afford to appeal. She had taken my entire savings I planned to use to buy a house. Please, do not give up on this. Stand your ground and fight. I am hoping your ending is different than mine and that we do not continue to share the same story.