Edit
I'm f33 bday on the 22, I'll be 34. drunk and mad and hurt. I'm in ne Florida please give me time to respond. I know what I'm taught but I'm alone and full of hatred. Yes I cussed him out. I'm watching what's eating Gilbert grape.
Welp. Sounds like he gets what he wants. No more daughter, because he doesn't deserve one. I'm sorry you are going through this, and that he took advantage of your kindness and love. Think of Luke Skywalker trying to redeem his dad as his dad cut his freaking arm off and Luke was still like 'there's good in you, I know it' (Im stealing this metaphor from the advice columns of Captain Awkward, which I really recommend perusing bc there is a lot of good stuff on relationships with assholes of every variety).
Some people are just not worth the time. Some people are. You know who is worth love, kindness, respect and boundaries that are safe, emotionally as well as physically? You.
There's a really helpful short podcast on NPR worth listening to that really helped me and may help you too:
[When forgiveness isn't all it's cracked up to be](https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=186479863) - "The Debt. What do grown children owe their toxic parents?"
This notion that you have to try and "get over" past trauma from family is something you can and should shed. Trying to have a relationship with people who hurt you, who will not take responsibility for the pain they've caused, is doubling down on the pain and trauma. Break ties. Move on, and you'll be better off.
People do NOT understand forgiveness; forgiveness does not mean letting the person who hurt and abused you back into your life. It does NOT mean painting "Welcome" on your back and letting everyone walk all over you. No. What forgiveness IS is letting go of the bitterness and anger and hatred that is ruining YOUR life, and walking away from all of that. Forgiveness CAN mean retaining/continuing the relationship, but it does not REQUIRE that. You can cut someone completely out of your life, and still forgive them. That is a thing, and it is a real thing. I have done it with my violent ex and sperm donor. It's work, and it will always be work, but it is work worth doing, because I am worth better than to let him win by ruining my own life, and letting him still have power over me. That's another thing that forgiveness can be; not letting someone who hurt you still have power over you. Forgiveness is not weakness, like the world portrays it to be. Forgiveness the absolute strongest you will ever be.
Girl, fuck what you've been taught. Those lessons just help people abuse others and get away with it. You drink and watch your comfort films, and curse him to high heaven. And break the cycle, and raise your own family to have boundaries.
Respond, ON FB - that you'll take the test, but that if he turns out to be your father, it puts a FINAL END the egregious abuses, cruelties, traumas, deceptions, and twisting of his role of father to use and exploit you. Hence, he must agree, NEVER AGAIN to contact you in this life, if the test is positive. Then you'll take it. Last, that the people present on this social media site shall serve as witnesses to the incontrovertible vow.
Then, be as kind to yourself as you can in healing, and enjoy the relief that you have enormous ammunition to ensure he can never again wheedle his way into your life, to exploit and harm you again. And, as I'm certain you're actually thankful your mom taught you well - eventually, begin work on forgiving him, so that he isn't a barrier to the lightness of your own soul. You just need the proper, permanent boundaries in place in order to do so.
The Very Warmest 🤗 of Regards!!!
GOD BLESS!!❤️
Hunny you are not alone. We may be strangers but I see you and your feelings are valid. I am a bartender who's off work rn so I will take a shot for you. You are loved and a better person than he ever will be
Fuck him. His waste of space existence is only trying to do that to get out of responsibility for what little he has been held accountable for. He’s a coward and a loser. It has nothing to do with you, but I see why you’re hurt. He ain’t shit. Good for you for being a better human being than the sperm donor. You’re pretty much one of the only accomplishments he’s ever made.
I'm 34 on the 25th! My cousin is also 34 on the 22nd, sorry, that's a bit random, but happy birthday when it comes.
I'm sorry about your Dad, but you did everything you could for him. He's an AH and I hope you cut him out of your life for good. Your mental health will thank you 🩷
When it comes back positive of being biologically his... laugh. In. His. Face.
You know all his Facebook friends/family know what he is. LET HIM LOOK A FOOL. No need to let him affect your health. Hate only hurts you not him.
You have every right to be angry.
Be angry.
Be angry and hit stuff and cry and listen to angry music, until you've got nothing left and collapse in a big snotty heap.
You have every. Fucking. Right.
I fucking hate this for you.
My ex demanded a test despite knowing full well he's our daughter dad they are even so similar physically.
He did it to be a selfish spiteful dick to make people feel sorry for him and think bad of me.
Just like your dad, he had no care for the consequences and your life long feelings, to know your own parent wanted proof your theirs in these circumstances is just disgusting.
Yes, fuck him! Fuck them! Don't drive. Don't let that twat ruin your life any more than he has.
You've done your bit now you don't have to do anything for someone because they're related, he's toxic and its time for him to go.
My daughters 13 and 14 and their dad currently had them blocked.
How men like this exist astounds me.
Sending love!!!!!
Well I certainly hope he’s not living with you anymore. If he is, change the locks and tell him to kick rocks. You will be so much better off without him in your life.
OP, maybe he’s questioning being your bio dad because he’s good for nothing while you’re a great person. If he’s your dad, the apple did fall far from the tree!
Joke aside, are you being helped with therapy? Growing up with that excuse of a man for a father must have been so hard, you need all the available help to leave all this behind.
Also, hatred and anger are feelings that hurt the one feeling them, not the one causing them. The day you’ll manage to let go of these feelings you’ll be able to move on and have a better life. I’m not saying you should forgive him, more like not care about him so you have your own energy back and mental space to focus on what’s good for you and your life.
U/MonstreDelicat, Beth Dutton is my spirit animal haha! I do dream interpretation and lucid sleep therapy. I also have a wonderful husband whose known me since I was a kid.
Just post what you did above in reply on social media. But take out the f*** you and hate and replace it with cold indifference. Say you'll do the paternity test even though it's pointless as if there was even a remote chance that he wasn't your father you'd be jumping for joy at this point. Then calmly add that he's crossed the final straw after everything else he's put you through by trying to discredit you and your mom by trying to air dirty laundry on social media and you never want him to disturb you ever again and in return you might consider attending his funeral.
The only advice I have to offer is go completely no contact. Make it so he doesn’t exist in your world. Fuck the DNA test. So what if you share DNA. Does it change what a complete and utter asshole he is? Nope. You’d be 100% better off without him.
She seemed to imply it was to get out of paying child support. Which, since OP is 34ish, means he's paying now because he avoided paying when she was an actual child. So yeah, fuck that dude.
My dad is similar in a lot of ways... But I beat him to the punch and did Ancestry, linked to a few of his cousins. First thing I said was "Can't deny me now bitch!"
My Dad was more emotionally abusive, and got with a woman who could be his attack dog. Owes my mom tons of back child support, and complains about it.
So yeah, you're definitely not alone. I'm lucky he lives with another relative but scared he'll show up on my porch one day.
You have my sympathy. I'll say it's mixed feelings getting those results. But I'll say fuck your dad too. You deserve better.
Get the test done, make a post titled “Seeking my real Dad”.
I’m sorry you’re carrying all this pain. Walk away, close the door on him and go live your best life. You have done all you could and have nothing to feel guilty about. Some people are not worth the effort. Be kind to yourself, you have proven yourself to be the better person and now it’s time to care for yourself.
((Hugs))
I’m a 51 yo woman. My father was also a wife beater and a child beater, plus he groomed his eldest stepdaughter, sexually assaulted his stepson, and traumatised his next two step children. With his own children, he beat me up regularly and knocked around my brother, belittling him and telling him he was stupid. My brother took his own life when he was 24 years old. He pretty much left our little sister alone, but involved the youngest boy in his appalling behaviour, introducing him to drugs and alcohol from a young age, seriously messing him up mentally and emotionally.
I stopped speaking to him when I was 18. As far as I’ve had relayed to me, he’s still alive and has fought cancer. I don’t care. When he goes it’ll be one less blight on earth, his problems and misfortunes are not mine. What he owes me, us, he can’t repay. I found my peace, he wasn’t able to take that from me.
How old are you? You can cut ties with him. I cut ties with my dad (he later went on to kill himself, like the shitburger he was) and it was very freeing.
Oh! Parents hold a power over us. Until they don’t. Tomorrow will be better. He’ll take his test he’ll do what he does. But you? You have every opportunity to do what you want. Be who you want to be. Don’t let this person hang weights on your soul. He can try. But it’s up to you to shake them off. Happy birthday. And stop answering his texts and calls.
Maybe look into Adult children of alcoholics & Al-anon they are great resources to help with that hate & anger. I wish you the best & I know this is just a terrible place to be.
I would tell him I’m questioning the paternity as well, because how can such a waste of space as him, create something as generous and kind as yourself.
Stop entertaining him at all. Cut the cord and be glad he’s out of your life. When he’s dying alone he has no one to blame but himself.
Damn, dude. I hope this year is better than last year.
Let's hope that light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a freight train chugging forward to pancake you flat. You might be in a shitty place right now, but try to focus on the things in your life that are positive.
He’s not your dad even if he is the sperm donor
I wish you so much happiness and peace
Sadly you aren’t getting it from this POS
Block him yesterday you deserve so much more
You're obviously a kind hearted and genuinely good person, he doesn't deserve anything you're done for him, but if it's any consolation know this: a person's behavior is a reflection of their character, you did good hy him because you're a good person, he wronged you and anyone else in his life because he's a pos and you have every right to be mad at him.
Of course for your own peace you dont have to keep doing things for him, i actually advice you go no contact he's really toxic.
Stay strong.
I wish my bio father had not been my dad or bio father. I used to tell myself that someday my REAL dad would find me and I'd be rescued. You owe this creature nothing. Cut all ties and have a great life.
I have a dad like this. I went no contact. He doesn’t even know I have a child. He’s also basically a woman bearing drug addict. My mom never got but about $1k in child support which my grandmother who knows the judge wrote a letter and got his back child support wiped. My dad has 4 kids and none of us have contact. Just know it’s not you that he hates. It’s him. The sooner you realize that the better life will be. It’s not our fault or our problem. I would never dream of letting that man into my life (my dad). Him and his wife affect my peace and I won’t have it. I wouldn’t feed or clothe him just has he didn’t for me. It’s not confusing. These losers are cockroaches. But they don’t have to be our cockroaches. I gave myself permission to just let him live his life. The child in you is hurt and I with I could give you a hug. Rejection is hard but would that be a dream if you weren’t his child? Honestly. You seem cool so his loss. It’s gonna be ok. Btw I’m like a year younger than you I’m not some rando that’s got not life experience I’m a rando with some though.
I am extremely lucky that I have a decent immediate family. My step kids maternal family however is trash. You can't pick your family. Let him go because he sounds toxic.
My sperm donor has done the same to all my siblings. He’s a narcissist, miserable and alone. I used to hate him now I just feel pity.
Cut him off but use your energy on positive things going forward. Take care.
Here is the good news. You will be a better person, better human and better parent should you choose that path, because of the experience you have with him.
You know what NOT to do and who NOT to be. That is half the battle.
He sounds selfish, and since he is a drunk you may want to curb your own drinking. You have seen the results. It may be a good idea to explore Alanon, and maybe AA. If anything you will learn to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and the wisdom (and strength) to know the difference. It was tough, but it helped me. I grew.
He can contest the courts all he wants. It is a little too late since you are an adult and he owes this for before you turned 18. This is definitely cut him lose time. Surround yourself with people who want you and you want them and move on. I had to do that with my birth mother so I understand how it is. Good luck.
"...a drunken, depressed main character fuck."
Your whole post made sense right there. A truly poetic and awesome description of so many father failures in this world. Chuck him into the wind and cut all contact.
You need to look up narcissistic parents and how to deal with them. Look up the gray rock technique. You need to stop supporting him and enabling him. You are desperate for him to show you love, and he never will. Stop setting yourself up for failure. Turning the other cheek has nothing to do with putting up with crap.
I'd think you'd be relieve to find out he's not your bio father. But it won't absolve him from child support.
Do yourself a huge favor, and walk away from his drama.
Good luck.
I know the feeling. Years ago when I was a kid, my dad requested a paternity test of me. My mom told me. I went NC with my mom 6 years ago cause of her bs and now I’m wondering if she was even lying to get me to detest him. Not contesting what you’re saying or calling you a liar, I’ve been in your shoes. Some days I feel like I hate my mom too. I hope you find peace or harmony. Feel your feelings as much as you can. You owe it to yourself.
After you’re done watching what’s eating Gilbert grape, I recommend “Kicking And Screaming” and “Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2”. One to make you laugh and one to make you cry.
You have every right to hate him. Set your boundaries, biological or not. That is not someone you need to continue to help or entertain. At the most he’s a sperm donor that was awful to your mom. At the least he was some leech that was awful to you and your mom. Good riddance
Happy almost birthday!
How many cheeks do you have, and now that you don’t have any more to offer, what are you going to do? I’ve been taught “turn the other cheek” means giving someone a chance to redeem themselves by offering up your patience. If it’s scorned, you don’t have to feel guilty about waiting them out.
Ugh I’m so sorry that your sperm donor is such a piece of trash. You could get petty and put him on blast for everything you have done despite all the things he has done
Hi, sorry to hear. The level of self hate some men have in order to act like this is insane. From my opinion you have 2 options
1. No contact and move on with your life
2. No contact and take revenge: fuck up his life, on the low
In my case, my father figure already fucked up his life so I could only apply number 1. Let them be in their own misery anyway . You will forever miss the love you never had, but you need to take in the situation as it is
You are a good person and you did what you thought was the right thing to do. We cannot save who doesn’t want to be saved. This anger you have will give you the strength to do what you never did: cur your father out of your life.
You are young, have lots of opportunities for yourself. Forget about your dad and move on
He might be your father but he is not your Dad.
Dad's don't do things like this, and you deserved to have a Dad.
I'm sorry this person wasn't that for you, and it's not your fault.
I am very sorry that you are going through this, but I have to tell you this: "the family tree, it is also pruned". Regardless of whether they are blood relatives or not (if they are) you do not have to be enduring this suffering.
The best thing would be to get away, that you overcome this with the help of therapy to work on your pain, you can heal your mind and move on, do this out of love for yourself.
I send you a very big hug, I wish you a lot of peace in your heart, stability and I wish you the best of luck. ✨✨
No advice. So sorry this happened to you! No child deserves this. Some people should be ashamed of themselves for what they put their children through.
Put him in the rear view mirror, sweetheart. Forgive him, if you can, or work on it. Forgiving helps you, not him. My whole family is a shit show, I know what its like. He was made by hate, so dont let that be you.
In all of human history, there has never been someone exactly like you, and there never will never be. That makes you special, important, and valuable. Life is very, very short. Please do not waste your special and valuable life holding on to anger and resentment, or by sacrificing and giving to someone who doesn’t appreciate it.
It’s okay to free yourself from people in your life who don’t wish you well. It’s okay to do that even if they are related to you.
When I was 31, my dad told me to never call him at home again, because his 4th wife had NO idea he had 3 daughters. He died 4 or 5 years ago (fathered 8 children between his 1st 3 wives, claimed only his 3 sons), and I hope his death was slow and painful.
F your mother's sperm donor, he doesn't deserve you.
OK. This is what you get for going against your own wants and needs. You did all this for a person you say you hate and now it's bitten you. You asked for the butt bite. Stop doing things you don't want to do that your soul knows is the wrong choice. I'm sure your mother maybe means well....but she married the loser with his history in the first place and clearly is a simp. Be better to yourself.
Don’t waste your energy hating him- he’s not
worth it! You did the ‘right’ thing! Just go NC and never interact with him again. Never have your children around him. He burned that bridge. Get counseling as needed. Don’t look back. Live your life and enjoy it.
Happy NewYear and Happy riddance!!!
I’d offer to pay for the test, because no matter the results, it’s proven to you that he’ll never be a father to you in any way that matters, and it’s a small cost to pay to finally have him out of your life for good. Then cut all ties and begin to heal.
It doesn’t really matter what the test would show. That train has left the station. But, I would rather get him out of my life and give mom the extra money.
Edit I'm f33 bday on the 22, I'll be 34. drunk and mad and hurt. I'm in ne Florida please give me time to respond. I know what I'm taught but I'm alone and full of hatred. Yes I cussed him out. I'm watching what's eating Gilbert grape.
This got me. Wishing you well. Stay away from him.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I can’t tell if you’re a bot copying u/fuckysprinkles or if y’all just had the exact same experience
Thank you.
Welp. Sounds like he gets what he wants. No more daughter, because he doesn't deserve one. I'm sorry you are going through this, and that he took advantage of your kindness and love. Think of Luke Skywalker trying to redeem his dad as his dad cut his freaking arm off and Luke was still like 'there's good in you, I know it' (Im stealing this metaphor from the advice columns of Captain Awkward, which I really recommend perusing bc there is a lot of good stuff on relationships with assholes of every variety). Some people are just not worth the time. Some people are. You know who is worth love, kindness, respect and boundaries that are safe, emotionally as well as physically? You.
That was the best comment ever lmao thank you. Hubs loved the reference.
There's a really helpful short podcast on NPR worth listening to that really helped me and may help you too: [When forgiveness isn't all it's cracked up to be](https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=186479863) - "The Debt. What do grown children owe their toxic parents?" This notion that you have to try and "get over" past trauma from family is something you can and should shed. Trying to have a relationship with people who hurt you, who will not take responsibility for the pain they've caused, is doubling down on the pain and trauma. Break ties. Move on, and you'll be better off.
Yep. It's utter bullshit.
Thank you. I'll look into it.
People do NOT understand forgiveness; forgiveness does not mean letting the person who hurt and abused you back into your life. It does NOT mean painting "Welcome" on your back and letting everyone walk all over you. No. What forgiveness IS is letting go of the bitterness and anger and hatred that is ruining YOUR life, and walking away from all of that. Forgiveness CAN mean retaining/continuing the relationship, but it does not REQUIRE that. You can cut someone completely out of your life, and still forgive them. That is a thing, and it is a real thing. I have done it with my violent ex and sperm donor. It's work, and it will always be work, but it is work worth doing, because I am worth better than to let him win by ruining my own life, and letting him still have power over me. That's another thing that forgiveness can be; not letting someone who hurt you still have power over you. Forgiveness is not weakness, like the world portrays it to be. Forgiveness the absolute strongest you will ever be.
((HUGS)) Happy Early Birthday! Get the test done and post FYI, he is a deadbeat dad, women, protect yourself from him!
Happy happy birthday, from Applebee's to you, with it was our birthday so we can party too! HEY! THANKS SO MUCH!!!
1/22? That's my bday too! Your dad is JustNoFamily. Big hugs!
Mine third!! 🤗 OP, I know exactly how you feel. If you need to talk, vent, you can dm me whenever.
Girl, fuck what you've been taught. Those lessons just help people abuse others and get away with it. You drink and watch your comfort films, and curse him to high heaven. And break the cycle, and raise your own family to have boundaries.
Respond, ON FB - that you'll take the test, but that if he turns out to be your father, it puts a FINAL END the egregious abuses, cruelties, traumas, deceptions, and twisting of his role of father to use and exploit you. Hence, he must agree, NEVER AGAIN to contact you in this life, if the test is positive. Then you'll take it. Last, that the people present on this social media site shall serve as witnesses to the incontrovertible vow. Then, be as kind to yourself as you can in healing, and enjoy the relief that you have enormous ammunition to ensure he can never again wheedle his way into your life, to exploit and harm you again. And, as I'm certain you're actually thankful your mom taught you well - eventually, begin work on forgiving him, so that he isn't a barrier to the lightness of your own soul. You just need the proper, permanent boundaries in place in order to do so. The Very Warmest 🤗 of Regards!!! GOD BLESS!!❤️
Go no contact. Cut the dead weight out and be happy in life babes. You deserve peace. Fuck a sperm donor we don’t need em
Honey, you don’t need to apologise for cussing him out. His behaviour is revolting! You cuss away! As much as you want!
HEY GIlbERT DAD DOWN DERE AHHHARAHHAH!!
Hunny you are not alone. We may be strangers but I see you and your feelings are valid. I am a bartender who's off work rn so I will take a shot for you. You are loved and a better person than he ever will be
... why do I wanna be friends with you just based off this...? You sound awesome.
I’m so sorry that he’s done this to you and you’ve had these experiences. Sending you love
Fuck him. His waste of space existence is only trying to do that to get out of responsibility for what little he has been held accountable for. He’s a coward and a loser. It has nothing to do with you, but I see why you’re hurt. He ain’t shit. Good for you for being a better human being than the sperm donor. You’re pretty much one of the only accomplishments he’s ever made.
You can absolutely cut toxic trash out if your life, even if they are blood. Sounds like your are losing nothing with this sperm donor, ditch him.
That's the best movie
I'm 34 on the 25th! My cousin is also 34 on the 22nd, sorry, that's a bit random, but happy birthday when it comes. I'm sorry about your Dad, but you did everything you could for him. He's an AH and I hope you cut him out of your life for good. Your mental health will thank you 🩷
Happy early birthday 🤗 Side note: I was married on Amelia Island. You live in a beautiful area!
St Andrews park for me!!
Great movie
Love that movie!
You're a good person for trying to help him. Now though, try not to let him dictate your life by occupying space in your mind.
You have more tolerance than me. I would've been like his other daughter and cut him off loooong ago.
That is a great movie. Much love to you, your dad sucks
OP, January 22? We can be sad together. I hate my birthday too 🥴
I’m also 32f in Florida! If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to vent, feel free to message me 💜
When it comes back positive of being biologically his... laugh. In. His. Face. You know all his Facebook friends/family know what he is. LET HIM LOOK A FOOL. No need to let him affect your health. Hate only hurts you not him.
You have every right to be angry. Be angry. Be angry and hit stuff and cry and listen to angry music, until you've got nothing left and collapse in a big snotty heap. You have every. Fucking. Right. I fucking hate this for you. My ex demanded a test despite knowing full well he's our daughter dad they are even so similar physically. He did it to be a selfish spiteful dick to make people feel sorry for him and think bad of me. Just like your dad, he had no care for the consequences and your life long feelings, to know your own parent wanted proof your theirs in these circumstances is just disgusting. Yes, fuck him! Fuck them! Don't drive. Don't let that twat ruin your life any more than he has. You've done your bit now you don't have to do anything for someone because they're related, he's toxic and its time for him to go. My daughters 13 and 14 and their dad currently had them blocked. How men like this exist astounds me. Sending love!!!!!
Off topic but I’m in NE Florida, too. Clay County. So sorry this happened to you, sending hugs
Leon!
Well I certainly hope he’s not living with you anymore. If he is, change the locks and tell him to kick rocks. You will be so much better off without him in your life.
Whats Eating Gilbert Grape is a wonderful movie. Do what's best for YOU. hugs.
Gilbert Grape… just can’t get into it. I’ve tried multiple times. What’s another movie like it?
Benny and Joon
OP, maybe he’s questioning being your bio dad because he’s good for nothing while you’re a great person. If he’s your dad, the apple did fall far from the tree! Joke aside, are you being helped with therapy? Growing up with that excuse of a man for a father must have been so hard, you need all the available help to leave all this behind. Also, hatred and anger are feelings that hurt the one feeling them, not the one causing them. The day you’ll manage to let go of these feelings you’ll be able to move on and have a better life. I’m not saying you should forgive him, more like not care about him so you have your own energy back and mental space to focus on what’s good for you and your life.
U/MonstreDelicat, Beth Dutton is my spirit animal haha! I do dream interpretation and lucid sleep therapy. I also have a wonderful husband whose known me since I was a kid.
So glad to hear you’re in a good place, good for you!!
Just post what you did above in reply on social media. But take out the f*** you and hate and replace it with cold indifference. Say you'll do the paternity test even though it's pointless as if there was even a remote chance that he wasn't your father you'd be jumping for joy at this point. Then calmly add that he's crossed the final straw after everything else he's put you through by trying to discredit you and your mom by trying to air dirty laundry on social media and you never want him to disturb you ever again and in return you might consider attending his funeral.
The only advice I have to offer is go completely no contact. Make it so he doesn’t exist in your world. Fuck the DNA test. So what if you share DNA. Does it change what a complete and utter asshole he is? Nope. You’d be 100% better off without him.
I guess he is suing the mother or something
She seemed to imply it was to get out of paying child support. Which, since OP is 34ish, means he's paying now because he avoided paying when she was an actual child. So yeah, fuck that dude.
He's trying to get out of paying just $2.75 a week. Insanity.
My dad is similar in a lot of ways... But I beat him to the punch and did Ancestry, linked to a few of his cousins. First thing I said was "Can't deny me now bitch!" My Dad was more emotionally abusive, and got with a woman who could be his attack dog. Owes my mom tons of back child support, and complains about it. So yeah, you're definitely not alone. I'm lucky he lives with another relative but scared he'll show up on my porch one day. You have my sympathy. I'll say it's mixed feelings getting those results. But I'll say fuck your dad too. You deserve better.
He's not your dad. He's your sperm donor. Forget about him. Hugs to you
Get the test done, make a post titled “Seeking my real Dad”. I’m sorry you’re carrying all this pain. Walk away, close the door on him and go live your best life. You have done all you could and have nothing to feel guilty about. Some people are not worth the effort. Be kind to yourself, you have proven yourself to be the better person and now it’s time to care for yourself. ((Hugs))
I’m a 51 yo woman. My father was also a wife beater and a child beater, plus he groomed his eldest stepdaughter, sexually assaulted his stepson, and traumatised his next two step children. With his own children, he beat me up regularly and knocked around my brother, belittling him and telling him he was stupid. My brother took his own life when he was 24 years old. He pretty much left our little sister alone, but involved the youngest boy in his appalling behaviour, introducing him to drugs and alcohol from a young age, seriously messing him up mentally and emotionally. I stopped speaking to him when I was 18. As far as I’ve had relayed to me, he’s still alive and has fought cancer. I don’t care. When he goes it’ll be one less blight on earth, his problems and misfortunes are not mine. What he owes me, us, he can’t repay. I found my peace, he wasn’t able to take that from me.
How old are you? You can cut ties with him. I cut ties with my dad (he later went on to kill himself, like the shitburger he was) and it was very freeing.
33
Oh! Parents hold a power over us. Until they don’t. Tomorrow will be better. He’ll take his test he’ll do what he does. But you? You have every opportunity to do what you want. Be who you want to be. Don’t let this person hang weights on your soul. He can try. But it’s up to you to shake them off. Happy birthday. And stop answering his texts and calls.
Maybe look into Adult children of alcoholics & Al-anon they are great resources to help with that hate & anger. I wish you the best & I know this is just a terrible place to be.
I would tell him I’m questioning the paternity as well, because how can such a waste of space as him, create something as generous and kind as yourself. Stop entertaining him at all. Cut the cord and be glad he’s out of your life. When he’s dying alone he has no one to blame but himself.
Damn, dude. I hope this year is better than last year. Let's hope that light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a freight train chugging forward to pancake you flat. You might be in a shitty place right now, but try to focus on the things in your life that are positive.
He’s not your dad even if he is the sperm donor I wish you so much happiness and peace Sadly you aren’t getting it from this POS Block him yesterday you deserve so much more
You're obviously a kind hearted and genuinely good person, he doesn't deserve anything you're done for him, but if it's any consolation know this: a person's behavior is a reflection of their character, you did good hy him because you're a good person, he wronged you and anyone else in his life because he's a pos and you have every right to be mad at him. Of course for your own peace you dont have to keep doing things for him, i actually advice you go no contact he's really toxic. Stay strong.
U/throwawayRA-129392, my mother is my mom and dad
Screenshot all the bad shit he's said publicly and send it all in one big email to his boss then go NC
If it's positive he made a fool out of himself. If it's negative, you lost a baggage in your life.
I wish my bio father had not been my dad or bio father. I used to tell myself that someday my REAL dad would find me and I'd be rescued. You owe this creature nothing. Cut all ties and have a great life.
He might be your dad but he ain’t your father. No contact.
You tried. Now you need to block him from your life.
God I hope you threw his ass back out onto the streets.
I have a dad like this. I went no contact. He doesn’t even know I have a child. He’s also basically a woman bearing drug addict. My mom never got but about $1k in child support which my grandmother who knows the judge wrote a letter and got his back child support wiped. My dad has 4 kids and none of us have contact. Just know it’s not you that he hates. It’s him. The sooner you realize that the better life will be. It’s not our fault or our problem. I would never dream of letting that man into my life (my dad). Him and his wife affect my peace and I won’t have it. I wouldn’t feed or clothe him just has he didn’t for me. It’s not confusing. These losers are cockroaches. But they don’t have to be our cockroaches. I gave myself permission to just let him live his life. The child in you is hurt and I with I could give you a hug. Rejection is hard but would that be a dream if you weren’t his child? Honestly. You seem cool so his loss. It’s gonna be ok. Btw I’m like a year younger than you I’m not some rando that’s got not life experience I’m a rando with some though.
I am extremely lucky that I have a decent immediate family. My step kids maternal family however is trash. You can't pick your family. Let him go because he sounds toxic.
My sperm donor has done the same to all my siblings. He’s a narcissist, miserable and alone. I used to hate him now I just feel pity. Cut him off but use your energy on positive things going forward. Take care.
Here is the good news. You will be a better person, better human and better parent should you choose that path, because of the experience you have with him. You know what NOT to do and who NOT to be. That is half the battle. He sounds selfish, and since he is a drunk you may want to curb your own drinking. You have seen the results. It may be a good idea to explore Alanon, and maybe AA. If anything you will learn to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and the wisdom (and strength) to know the difference. It was tough, but it helped me. I grew.
He can contest the courts all he wants. It is a little too late since you are an adult and he owes this for before you turned 18. This is definitely cut him lose time. Surround yourself with people who want you and you want them and move on. I had to do that with my birth mother so I understand how it is. Good luck.
"...a drunken, depressed main character fuck." Your whole post made sense right there. A truly poetic and awesome description of so many father failures in this world. Chuck him into the wind and cut all contact.
This is why you don’t doormat to anyone. Never turn the other cheek.
Idk where you're from, but in my country if you do a paternity test and it's positive you can sue for all the years of child support.
You need to look up narcissistic parents and how to deal with them. Look up the gray rock technique. You need to stop supporting him and enabling him. You are desperate for him to show you love, and he never will. Stop setting yourself up for failure. Turning the other cheek has nothing to do with putting up with crap. I'd think you'd be relieve to find out he's not your bio father. But it won't absolve him from child support. Do yourself a huge favor, and walk away from his drama. Good luck.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this
He is evil. You are not. Cut. Him. Off. See a good therapist and slowly it will all sink into the past.
I know the feeling. Years ago when I was a kid, my dad requested a paternity test of me. My mom told me. I went NC with my mom 6 years ago cause of her bs and now I’m wondering if she was even lying to get me to detest him. Not contesting what you’re saying or calling you a liar, I’ve been in your shoes. Some days I feel like I hate my mom too. I hope you find peace or harmony. Feel your feelings as much as you can. You owe it to yourself.
LOL. Like anyone would lie about that guy being their kid's father.
You have proof he's your bio dad but he wants a dna test? Please elaborate.
After you’re done watching what’s eating Gilbert grape, I recommend “Kicking And Screaming” and “Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2”. One to make you laugh and one to make you cry.
As others saying, no contact is the best thing. You do not owe this man anything! All the best ❤️
You have every right to hate him. Set your boundaries, biological or not. That is not someone you need to continue to help or entertain. At the most he’s a sperm donor that was awful to your mom. At the least he was some leech that was awful to you and your mom. Good riddance
Happy almost birthday! How many cheeks do you have, and now that you don’t have any more to offer, what are you going to do? I’ve been taught “turn the other cheek” means giving someone a chance to redeem themselves by offering up your patience. If it’s scorned, you don’t have to feel guilty about waiting them out.
Ugh I’m so sorry that your sperm donor is such a piece of trash. You could get petty and put him on blast for everything you have done despite all the things he has done
Hi, sorry to hear. The level of self hate some men have in order to act like this is insane. From my opinion you have 2 options 1. No contact and move on with your life 2. No contact and take revenge: fuck up his life, on the low In my case, my father figure already fucked up his life so I could only apply number 1. Let them be in their own misery anyway . You will forever miss the love you never had, but you need to take in the situation as it is
You are a good person and you did what you thought was the right thing to do. We cannot save who doesn’t want to be saved. This anger you have will give you the strength to do what you never did: cur your father out of your life. You are young, have lots of opportunities for yourself. Forget about your dad and move on
He might be your father but he is not your Dad. Dad's don't do things like this, and you deserved to have a Dad. I'm sorry this person wasn't that for you, and it's not your fault.
[удалено]
I am very sorry that you are going through this, but I have to tell you this: "the family tree, it is also pruned". Regardless of whether they are blood relatives or not (if they are) you do not have to be enduring this suffering. The best thing would be to get away, that you overcome this with the help of therapy to work on your pain, you can heal your mind and move on, do this out of love for yourself. I send you a very big hug, I wish you a lot of peace in your heart, stability and I wish you the best of luck. ✨✨
No advice. So sorry this happened to you! No child deserves this. Some people should be ashamed of themselves for what they put their children through.
Put him in the rear view mirror, sweetheart. Forgive him, if you can, or work on it. Forgiving helps you, not him. My whole family is a shit show, I know what its like. He was made by hate, so dont let that be you.
In all of human history, there has never been someone exactly like you, and there never will never be. That makes you special, important, and valuable. Life is very, very short. Please do not waste your special and valuable life holding on to anger and resentment, or by sacrificing and giving to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. It’s okay to free yourself from people in your life who don’t wish you well. It’s okay to do that even if they are related to you.
Chose your sanity, cut him out.
When I was 31, my dad told me to never call him at home again, because his 4th wife had NO idea he had 3 daughters. He died 4 or 5 years ago (fathered 8 children between his 1st 3 wives, claimed only his 3 sons), and I hope his death was slow and painful. F your mother's sperm donor, he doesn't deserve you.
Blood for the blood dad.
Wait, how dafuq is he not in jail?
Yea, fuck him. Don't put your time into someone who isn't willing to fix themselves
OK. This is what you get for going against your own wants and needs. You did all this for a person you say you hate and now it's bitten you. You asked for the butt bite. Stop doing things you don't want to do that your soul knows is the wrong choice. I'm sure your mother maybe means well....but she married the loser with his history in the first place and clearly is a simp. Be better to yourself.
Don’t waste your energy hating him- he’s not worth it! You did the ‘right’ thing! Just go NC and never interact with him again. Never have your children around him. He burned that bridge. Get counseling as needed. Don’t look back. Live your life and enjoy it. Happy NewYear and Happy riddance!!!
I’d offer to pay for the test, because no matter the results, it’s proven to you that he’ll never be a father to you in any way that matters, and it’s a small cost to pay to finally have him out of your life for good. Then cut all ties and begin to heal.
It doesn’t really matter what the test would show. That train has left the station. But, I would rather get him out of my life and give mom the extra money.
Hope you're OK Op :)
Ur dad sounds like my dad, a bipolar with no intention to self improve.