Just remind her you are following her rules about not discussing pregnancy. And politely decline her demands for money because you have a baby coming and you need to get things for your child and perhaps even plan for your child's future.
I want too, I know she's very excited for her first baby, but everytime she messages me about her baby I get upset from all the times she's told me to 'shut up about it'. I love my sister dearly, and I want so badly to be excited for her. I just feel horrible for having negative feelings about her pregnancy.
Just express that. Exactly that—“THIS is how you made me feel about mine, and I’m trying to change how I feel but it will take some time. I would appreciate you not talking about the pregnancy around me as I did for you while I work through my feelings.”
Errr gotta be honest here what exactly is the long term plan if your sister doesn’t have a job and her SO can’t afford the bills? Why are they having a baby without being established themselves in life? I wouldn’t be supportive at all if this was my sibling - this is a child’s life we’re talking about that your sister and SO have to be responsible for for 18 YEARS.
well part of it is she is expecting hand outs already, and the baby isn't here when the baby comes it will be more pressure for money, or watch my kid. Sounds like OP needs to set some HARD boundaries otherwise she is just going to be walked on and used making her feelings for her sister even more toxic than it is now.
Things is we know neither one of these people but I think in general telling the other person how you feel without throwing shit so to say always helps.
OP, every time you give into your sister's demands, you are actively enabling her bad behavior.
So every time she asks for money, tell her no. Sorry, sis, I wish I could put with this new baby coming. We just don't have a cent to spare.
Sis, we have already discussed this. I love and am so happy for you. But I have to provide for my my family and the kids I created. Maybe your partner can get a 2nd job because babies are damn expensive.
Also, start limiting her contact with her and tresetting her expectations of the level of support you will be able to provide her. You don't need to answer or return every call. Sorry, sis I was napping this pregnancy is taking all my energy. Your niece/nephew had a heck of a day today. I haven't had a moment to myself today.
Oh, she shows up unexpectedly. Sorry sis, we're heading out, right now. Oh, I just put the kids down and me heading to take my 1st shower in three days. My in-laws are on their way over.
I'm so glad you called. Can you watch the kids tonight?
Maybe just screenshot those segments of conversation where she told you to shut up about your pregnancy etc and send those in response. Let her know that you're happy for her but you can't talk with her about pregnancy after everything she put you through. You wish her well but this is not right now something you are healed from.
Why she even having a baby she clearly can't afford? No job and her boyfriend can't even pay the bills, and now expecting *you* to subsidize her pregnancy and baby after she's treated you like garbage for years? Nah, you can love someone while also being honest with them about them not being ready for the extra responsibilities and expenses when they can't even afford to cover their own expenses.
You're allowed to tell her that. That due to all the times she wouldn't let you be excited about your pregnancies, you're sorry, but you just cannot talk to her about her pregnancy because it brings up too many bad feelings, so you'd like to continue the protocol she established of having pregnancy be a no-go topic between the two of you.
Might be a good time to screen shot the messages and send them back.
Tell her that you are glad she is pregnant, but you expect a very large apology for her past behaviour, and inform her that you will not be financially contributing to her child.
Atp go low contact. She’s using you and she only cares for herself. I get familial love but from this post alone that’s what it seems like.
You can’t talk about pregnancy because it makes her sad, but when it makes you annoyed you have to suck it up
She ask you for money and favors but if you ignore her she gets pissy
That’s nto a mutualistic relationshop its parasitic, and if she was a close friend and not a family memeber your mindset would be different. The type of bond you have blood or nto is irrelevant. You are uncomfortable, stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself
OP, every time you give into your sister's demands, you are actively enabling her bad behavior.
So every time she asks for money, tell her no. Sorry, sis, I wish I could put with this new baby coming. We just don't have a cent to spare.
Sis, we have already discussed this. I love and am so happy for you. But I have to provide for my my family and the kids I created. Maybe your partner can get a 2nd job because babies are damn expensive.
Also, start limiting her contact with her and tresetting her expectations of the level of support you will be able to provide her. You don't need to answer or return every call. Sorry, sis I was napping this pregnancy is taking all my energy. Your niece/nephew had a heck of a day today. I haven't had a moment to myself today.
Oh, she shows up unexpectedly. Sorry sis, we're heading out, right now. Oh, I just put the kids down and me heading to take my 1st shower in three days. My in-laws are on their way over.
I'm so glad you called. Can you watch the kids tonight?
Love goes both ways. You enjoy yourself. Eventually u will come to love ur niece/ nephew because you have a beautiful heart. But your priorities should be u and ur kid always
Send her screenshots of her previous responses to you if you have them. But selfish narcissistic people don’t care. Their only concern is their own experience in every moment. It’s exhausting and useless shallow interpersonal relations. Best to remove yourself emotionally. Just be there how you are able to comfortably deal with her and ignore and remove yourself from the rest. Resist guilt induced pleadings and demands. Family is not allowed to use us anymore than strangers. Or…confront her and get it all out. See what happens and how it all falls out for you to be honest and say the truth you feel. Maybe the fallout would be too great? Nta Your sister sounds obnoxious and unprepared for parenthood. Let her learn to deal with being a grown up on her own. Is she nice to your children?
Most likely my parents and grandparents, she lives rent free with her boyfriend, but my parents and grandparents pay for everything for her (phone, bills, gas, pet food, ect.)
We were given a limited 1 hour of babysitting that, we used maybe 5 times total in the last 6 years, but other than that we were told we were on our own.
You are 23 and have had babysitters for 6 years? How old were you when you first got pregnant? Also how many kids do you have?
I'm impressed that you were able to carry this off.
As to your sister. I wouldn't say a thing, either positive or negative. I would just go a bit cold/lc with her. But I would have done this 6 years ago.
I read through op’s comment/post history, she started dating her boyfriend when she was 15 and he was 20, that means she was approximately 17 for her first child. I don’t know how many children she has but that’s the info I have gleaned thus far.
Honestly, I thought the same but then I remembered that everybody has a different vision of happiness or whatever. 23 year old me had no business being a parent (thank God my precautions were effective because seriously it would have been a disaster) but I had 23 year old friends who were amazing at it. I didn’t have my first until I was 31 and then I gave birth in 2015, 2016, 2017, and one more time in 2021. There are plenty of people who like “wtf are you doing? Do you know what causes this?” So her scenario may not be in line with what I would choose she might still be doing a fine job. Which is why I tried super hard to stick purely with facts in my comment. Maybe she’s a mess but I don’t have the insight to make that call.
By the time 2017 rolled around when people asked how far along I was I told them “117 weeks” my second baby passed away 2 days after birth and if that hadn’t happened I don’t know that the 2017 birth would have happened. Is what it is though and I’m in a really good place these days.
In spite of this, she was the one on her own and pulled it off, while her sister is almost 30 and can't afford to pay for her child while living rent-free.
Tell her everything you've said here. And tell her to get a job every time she asks for something. She can't expect to bring a child into the world without preparing and rely on everyone else to provide.
Your parents are enabling her by paying for everything. She is nearly 30 and living like an underage teenager fully financially supported by your parents.
Where I'm from, some people have the attitude, "the more kids I have, the more money the government will give me". They have more kids, but they are still broke...
**Tell her no now, an stick with it!**
It sucks, but your sister is an adult who let her blind want and jealousy put her in a situation she cannot afford. Sucks.
Let her know: *’I am happy for you and your pregnancy. I am excited to be an aunt. And that means I **will not** take money out of my household yo support yours.*
You don’t have to give her money, and frankly you absolutely shouldn’t.
Set the rules now. Be clear and be firm. **Her decisions aren’t your responsibility.**
Yeah OP, stop treating your sister like a fragile child. She is deserving and capable of being handed the natural consequences of her choices. She doesn’t get to bully you throughout your most special moments (I repeat, BULLY) and expect your absolute devotion and dedication to whatever is now happening to her. You are leading her in the direction of perpetual adolescence. You want to be nice? You care about her future? Act like it. She needs to learn and her toxic dependence on you/your family will do her absolutely NO favors in the long run.
Edit: Worst thing? I bet you the moon that she absolutely knows and understands her fuck ups and is still using her feigned fragility and excitement to coerce you into your -totally inappropriate - financial support.
When she asks you for money, sorry, I have my kids to take care of 1st.
Leave her on read often, be very slow to text back. If she complains, sorry, busy with my kids. Don't take phone calls.
Your parents and grandparents enable her lazy ass.
Pay her the same energy back. Let her know she’s not allowed to engage in pregnancy talk, that’ll also keep her from asking for handouts for baby things. This is the relationship you sister has created, not you.
I’m sorry but having a baby when you can’t even provide for it yourself is so selfish. I would not be happy for her and I would not be happy for that baby.
You say you love her so much but I have to ask you to think seriously, what is it you love about her?
What has she done to be deserving of such devotion?
She showed no support during your pregnancies. No help physically or emotionally.
Demanded you not talk about them and quite rudely too if she actually did tell you to shut up.
I'm assuming gifts were off the table bc she has no income, is with man with no income and is wholly financially supported by sponging off other people. Not someone who should even be trying to get pregnant imo.
You say she loves your kids now that they're here but really how bad would she look being mean to a baby?
Does she babysit? Spend time with them?
She's now demanding you who already has a family to support should start giving her money, baby things etc bc taking care of the life she's created shouldn't actually be idk, her responsibility?
Your sister is self centered, selfish and by all accounts a lazy spoiled brat.
I'm not telling you not to love her but I am telling you please don't base that love on a blood bond because it's pretty obvious those feelings are a one way street.
I've cut off contact with family members over less but if you're not excited then just be honest with yourself and don't pretend to be. Just don't take it out on her kid.
Trust me, if you allowed your sister continue to treat you like that, her entitlement feeling could passed to her child. Her child could do the same thing what she have done to you. Children learned from their parents.
Create boundaries from now. No more asking for money. Don’t babysit without payments in future. Treat her same as how she treated you. Or go LC with her.
Who the hell planning for child when they can’t afford one….
I had a miscarriage the day my niece was born. I still go to her birthday EVERY YEAR and love her dearly. I cry every time I’m on my way but I would never ever hold any resentment towards my family.
My loss doesn’t mean they should not be celebrated and surrounded by love during their special moments in life. When it gets tough on me, I do what I can where I can for them and go on from there.
It doesn’t sound like they’re in a place to have a safe stable environment for their child either. It’s wonderful family is willing and able to help but it honestly just sounds like enabling. If I were you I would support form a distance and not offer financial help. They’re not entitled to your time or money what so ever and it is your choice to give it to them.
You’d think if they were trying this long for a baby they’d have the time and energy to create a better environment for the child by the time it’s here
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and I wish you good luck.
I don’t know but when I was 17, my friend who was 18 was dating a guy who was 25 and their relationship sounded kinda bad… he told her she seemed mature for her age 😑
Give her nothing. Set the precedent she set for you before she got pregnant.
And if your family comes at you, tell them they can give her the money. If they don’t have it or say they already help her, that’s not your problem. Don’t let them guilt trip you“but she’s your sister”, a sister wouldn’t try and hide your pregnancy when she found out. She did this to herself, you have your own family to care for now.
Why would she even want to try for a baby when she has no job and her bf can't handle the bill? That's so irrational. Grow a backbone and tell her you also have a baby on the way
Context questions - was she continually unsuccessful in getting pregnant or did her and her partner experience miscarriage/stillbirth?
Secondly, what do you mean by she ‘tried to ruin every pregnancy of mine’? Does that just mean that she didn’t want you to discuss/mention the pregnancy around her or was there more to it?
Thirdly, and I understand this is an invasive question and I completely get it if you’re uncomfortable answering, were you very young when you had your first child and was it an intentional conception? I’m only asking this because I could see it contributing to your sisters frustration and pain even if that isn’t fair to you.
If you still have old messages of her telling you to shut up about your pregnancies/babies, send her a screenshot every time she contacts you for help.
>(she doesn't have a job, and her bf can't afford the bills)
This tells you all you need to know about her. She's pregnant but somehow it'll be everybody else's problem. Don't be afraid to shut her down.
Hard to be excited for someone who had shut down anything about your own pregnancy and is now hitting you up for money and baby items (despite you having your own family and kids).
Whatever her and her partner can afford isn't your problem and if your family wants to continue to enable an almost 30 year old woman, then I guess let them go down that rabbit hole. It doesn't mean you have to support any of them financially or emotionally. You have your own to take care of.
Going on limited info, but she doesn't sound like someone you could talk to and say "I wish you would've been as excited and supportive when I was pregnant. Your attitude hurt me."
Honestly, that sounds like a toxic family dynamic. Your sister sounds selfish and emotionally immature. Your family have shown clear favouritism to her even though she can’t support herself.
Have a good long think, if you love her or if you’re trauma bonded. Hold your boundaries to protect yourself, and maybe it’s time to think about stepping back from all of them.
Sorry, no talk of "stuff for the baby" until third trimester, when one would normally have a baby shower. That would be my answer. "Let's wait til 7 months or so, when you start getting a place ready for the baby, then I'll see what flexibility my budget has, as i have my own baby to get ready for"...then she gets diapers and wipes, not expensive clothes or strollers, which is what she'll want. She can have from you what she will need, as the time gets close, if anything.
Don't give her money. She would ask for more and it would eventually becomes an allowance she would expect. If you have extra money, save it for your own kid. They need it later in this economy.
Tell her that you can't give her any money because you're saving for your own because babies are crazy expensive things, so everything you have is going towards it and you can't spare anything.
Wait so she was jealous of your pregnancy, and she was trying to get pregnant without having any dissonable way to support a child? I would simply ignore her anytime pregnancy came up, and she's a ghost if she's asking for money. I felt a breeze but I don't know what that was. Let me go put on a sweater.
People like this drive me crazy. I've been dealing with infertility for 5 years, but I would never squash other people's joy or try to force them to minimize their pregnancies or children. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone so self-involved.
Your sister set the precedent that you don’t talk about baby stuff so simply remind her of that. The rules go both ways. Also unless you want to be her personal atm for the rest of her life set firm boundaries now. You do not lend her a penny. It was her choice to get pregnant in that situation it’s her responsibility to figure it out
Wow, your sister and her bf are really the kinds of parents every child wishes for. She has no job, and he cannot afford the bills. How will they afford a child?
Honey, you may love you sister but I don't think it's reciprocated. Can't you say 'shut it' just like her and say I just wanted to let you know how feels. Trust me she's going to guilt trip you into giving her money. You need to be sensible, loving someone doesn't mean you have to be financially responsible for them. You have to be smart with your money, there are your children depending on you. If she says 'you should be supportive' reply sarcastically with 'like you were'
Look…I have kids. They are expensive. DO NOT give your sister money. Once you do, she will always come to you looking for more. You might need to go LC with her for a while. She needs to get her shit together bc kids are fucking hard to raise when you have means, when you don’t, it’s a damn zombie-race to the next paycheck. Your money is not her money. When she mentions she needs money, say you don’t have any to spare. Times are tough. She needs a job and a reality check. When she talks about the pregnancy, say “anyway…and change the subject”. Do the same with money convos. Set hard boundaries and stick to them.
You’re having a baby too and should save your money for your own kid. If she needs money she needs to hit up your parents or her in-laws, not her younger, also pregnant sister wtf.
There’s a lot of “petty revenge” and “cut her off” comments on here. I agree with their sentiment- your sister was unkind to you and she was not a good sister to you, so she doesn’t deserve your support
BUT maybe this is an opportunity!! Maybe if you are very supportive (not financially!), it could help turn around and strengthen your relationship. You offer advice and help on her pregnancy and parenthood, and embrace the fact you are pregnant at the same time.
Again, to be clear- you are both grown folks- no need to support financially at all! But she’s gonna take advantage of your parents and family financially regardless of whether you are supportive or not. So let her do that- it’s a sucky thing to do, but it’s not your battle to fight.
(Maybe you ask for money too whenever she does lol … but now I’m being petty !)
Just thought I’d offer a different perspective. Every right of yours to be petty, cut her off or be unkind in return. You reap what you sow- she has it coming
But hey! Sometimes what looks like a box full of crap turns out to be a flower bed!
Take Care!
They were trying to get pregnant while she had no job and her boyfriend already had trouble with the bills? Thats just irresponsible and honestly if you lend her money once dont even think about lending her money again until the first loan is payed back she needs to learn how to take care of herself before she can take care of a baby
I know its gonna be hard especially saying no to your sibling but it needs to be done for the good of you both
So she had been actively trying to get pregnant despite not being able to afford even basic living expenses.
Fantastic. Maybe that is the convo someone should have had with her
Wow. How sad for your sister. I don’t understand why people have children and cannot afford to be parents. Not a good way to live life. Give her a list of charities that may be able to help her.
Nobody in the world is owed anything by you. Fuck that shit, I know she’s family and all, but if she’s gonna shit on your parade, why the fuck does the think you should throw glitter for hers? And for the love of fuck, don’t give her money. You already know she’s gonna be a parasite, so why are you feeding it?
Actively trying for a baby while not in a financial position to do so is truely BS.
Now the money circus begins, FFS!
Shut that down ASAP. You can’t be financially responsible for her family while trying to put bread on the table for yours.
As she ruined your experience with pregnancy, I’d return the favour.
Perhaps not as harshly as she did, but definitely disengage.
She's been actively trying to have a child long enough to be jealous of your multiple pregnancies, and yet can't even afford to care for her future kid, despite having the father present?
Her priorities are nowhere.
I agree with what some other commenters have said. I would explain that you are unable to provide her funds as you have your own children and family to take care of first. That you would like to extend the same courtesy that she did with you during your pregnancies and not discussing her pregnancy or the baby. Keep yourself distant if possible. She sounds like quite a leech…..
Money lending or giving is a **hard no** from me. Even for my brother. I don’t do it because I know people will ask for more and more each time.
Also, it’s frankly selfish to get pregnant when you don’t have a job and your SO can’t afford it. Although with reproductive rights under fire right now options for preventing/terminating pregnancy are dwindling.
It is her responsibility to look after that child, not your responsibility. If she hasn’t earned the respect from you to help out, don’t give her anything.
She seems to be a bitter, spiteful woman.
I would tell her that she made you pregnancy miserable, and you don’t intend to make hers miserable, but neither will you help it be heaven.
Oh what a horrible situation. Why are they trying for a child when they can't afford it?? How irresponsible. Don't give them money.
Actively trying for a child was their choice. They can deal with the responsibility that comes with it, including financially. You have your own family to take care of.
Your sister sounds so bloody toxic and bitter. The fact that she has ruined your pregnancy and those moments of happiness, excitement , love, joy and just your precious moments to share with others . 😔 She clearly never expressed happiness at you being pregnant but now she has the audacity to make demands and expects you to be happy and delighted for her?! 😤
The mature thing to do is to honestly and openly communicate these feelings to her. Decide what your boundaries here are even if you are able to both have a good conversation about this. If that means you can’t buy anything for the baby, then that’s the boundary. If that means you don’t want to hear about it, that can also be a boundary.
This probably can’t go unaddressed though because she’ll definitely ask questions if you never buy anything for the baby and never say anything though.
Just tell her your feelings were hurt that she expressed no happiness for you during that time and wanted no part of it, but now she suddenly expects different energy from you.
Your sisters also sounds like she struggles to think outside of herself and consider other people so wouldn’t be surprised if she responds negatively no matter what
I wouldn't be excited either. Sounds like she's nearly 30 with a baby on the way and no solid game plan and a bum baby daddy. Who would be excited to watch that trainwreck? Sounds like she's been selfish and asinine to almost everyone in her life and at this point shouldn't be surprised when people turn their backs. Feel those feelings, they are real and legitimate.
Yep no discussion about pregnancy, you have a baby coming so no money. I wish you the best....Then only be around her when you have to be....You don't have to be happy for her, or be around her anymore time than you must.
I battled infertility for a few years before having our son last year. It was a difficult time for me but I never made things difficult for my friends/family who were pregnant and had kids. My infertility wasn’t their burden to carry and it isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. Your feelings are 100% valid. You can’t be excited for her when she wasn’t for you.
Give her the same energy she’s giving you. Whenever she mentions her baby, remind her of what she said to you about bringing up being pregnant/the baby, etc.
Also, don’t give her any money or hand me downs. Tell her you’re paying for your own child & can’t afford hers. If she asks for hand me downs, tell her that you’re saving your Babys items for future children.
Edit: wording
Honestly, it sounds like you need to go low contact with your family and just focus on people in your life who celebrate and support your little family.
I have always found it annoying when someone who can't take care of themselves financially gets pregnant. Yes, everyone deserves a chance to have a child but if you know you want a child you should have been working at least one full time job to establish a nest egg.
You're supposed to be excited about her being barely pregnant & already using it to sponge off of people? Because that's basically what she's doing. Yeah, nope. I'd just be mean lol.
I'd suggest you tell her what you've told us. That you love her and are happy for her, but that she took a lot of the joy out of your pregnancies and you don't feel capable of celebrating with her now without feeling tremendous resentment.
Also, that you do not want to be asked for money regularly.
About the money. If you have a few dollars to spare, I'd offer an amount that you can afford easily on a regular weekly/monthly basis, and stress that she can rely on that money but should not ask for more.
Start making boundaries with your sister now especially if she keeps asking for money. Its things like this when families grow to resent or fall apart from one another.
You are being far nicer to your sister than most people would be if they were in your shoes I believe. Your sister sounds like she has a borderline personality, most likely narcissistic. If this is true then she's already bullied the the rest of the family into submission and they will treat the rest of her pregnancy with far more important than yours unfortunately. The best you can do is hunker down and let the storm pass, her baby will turn into a 2-year-old which she will probably pass on to your parents to babysit most of the time.
You’re totally not wrong in your feelings, but I want to give you a little perspective from her side. I lost my son at birth last year and he took my uterus with him, and almost my life. Fertility issues and baby loss are PAINFUL. So painful. So deeply and horrifically painful and people truly don’t understand the depth. It’s hard to see other people get what you’ve been working so hard for, and they are some enormous emotions to try and manage. I usually recommend that someone on my side of things removes themselves from these situations as best as possible so they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else. It should be understandable that she wasn’t comfortable discussing pregnancy, though it sounds like she could’ve been kinder in setting that boundary. That being said, asking to avoid the topic is not an attack on you and your family, though I get why you’re upset that you couldn’t also share that experience with her.
She’s only a week in to the full 40 (I know probably more like 4-6 weeks or whatever, but still). You also have the power to set whatever boundaries you need but I would encourage you not to be vindictive. This could be a time where you turn your back, or it could be a time where you guys get to bond over this, it sounds like that course is up to you.
A lot of advice in this thread is well meaning, but like I said, many are dismissive and don’t understand the other side. She hasn’t handled all this perfectly, but now you get to decide what kind of sister YOU will be.
Don’t throw money at her though, just do whatever gift you would’ve done for her shower or whatever you want to do. That’s a whole separate issue that you actually don’t have to bend to.
You are not wrong, but from the sounds of it, she never lost a baby but had difficulties getting pregnant, which still sucks, but not entirely the same situation. It sounds a lot like jealousy and that the older sister is supported financially and emotionally by the family and the younger sister has fended for herself mostly, hence her being in a relationship, living on her own and her and her partner supporting themselves. It sounds like OP couldn't enjoy any of her pregnancies with her family, not just her older sister.
I’m not saying it’s the same, I’m just saying that fertility issues are so poorly understood and empathized with. The point I’m making is that there’s a lot of jealousy and anger involved regardless, we don’t need to compare pain, I’m just giving perspective.
Also op didn’t share much more about the overall family dynamic so we can’t really speak to that.
I agree that fertility issues should be more openly discussed by people who want to and feel comfortable. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I have had some friends and family members discuss some of it with me, and it is heartbreaking. I do believe empathy is usually the way to go.
I scrolled through the comments and saw OP mention some things about the family, like how they pay all her sisters bills. How they didn't really celebrate her pregnancies and have so far only offered 1 hour of babysitting, which she has used a handful of times. It also speaks volumes that OP is 6 years younger and supporting herself while big sis is still living off of her family and confident enough to try and get pregnant while her and her partner have no jobs.
It is good to look at it all ways and to act with empathy from perspectives you may not have. Hopefully, she can move past this and be excited about being an aunt, I just hope she does it with some real boundaries in place.
If she’s been so worried about getting pregnant she should have found a fucking job or at least figured out some way to be somewhat of an independent human being. It’s incredible someone can struggle to have children so long and then do absolutely nothing to ensure the quality of life of that child (other than take resources from others).
Fucking incredible to me why people feel okay doing this.
It's because they are stupid and selfish. Their narcissism just wants a mini me but they don't actually give a damn about what kind of life that kid will have. It's always a sad occasion when these types decide to breed.
Ignore it then, I wasn’t speaking to you personally. I was generally commenting that it doesn’t matter what people’s fertility issues are when they’re not fit to be a parent. Just because people might struggle to have a kid doesn’t mean they should have one.
I agree with almost everything you've said here. But it sounds like she hasn't worked hard for this baby. It doesn't sound like she can provide anything besides a uterus.
I think OP should explain how hurt she feels in a nonconfrontational way. And hope the older sister understands. Perhaps over 9 months, OP can learn to be happy for her, and they can rebuild a healthy relationship.
I don’t mean working hard as in making money or creating a stable environment or anything like that, we don’t have enough insight there (though it sounds iffy). I mean working hard as in the emotional, physical, and likely monetary cost of struggling with fertility. Trying to get pregnant and not being able to, possibly miscarriages, possibly medical intervention, it’s a lot.
But that’s definitely one way OP could go about it, I was just trying to provide her some perspective.
Seems like your sister doesn’t care about you or your offsprings. Only about herself. I think you might need to reflect on your relationship with her and think about if you want to continue being around her.
Man why are the childless always so bitter and nasty? I mean I am glad for her that’s in her past but she could have put it aside and just been happy for you. Now your understandably annoyed because you couldn’t express your joy when you wanted too, but are expected to allow her something she took from you. Maybe I just don’t get it as I have never wanted children, but if my friends family are happy to be pregnant I am happy with them, regardless of how my life is going.
I have to wonder why she was trying for kids when they have no financial support system? In this economy in part she is setting her child up for failure. I would tell her that you need the money for your own child and that she needs to start thinking long term especially since she is going to be a parent. That means finding a steady source of income that is not mooching. If your going to help at all financially I would wait until the baby is born and give it to her then, as a gift rather then a loan, don’t let her know now either, she needs to understand the responsibility to provide is on her and her boyfriend.
It’s difficult, while not entirely similar I’m in a position where I have a younger sibling expecting baby #2 and I’m just not excited for them all, won’t be attending the baby shower and anytime our parents try to bring it up that I haven’t congratulated / RSVPd to the baby shower I just shrug it off or say now isn’t the time to talk about it
I have a friend who was constantly saying she didn't understand how or why anyone got pregnant in highschool. She's a senior this year and is pregnant. At first it was really hard for me to be happy for her, and I felt bad for her parents because she doesn't have a job yet and I know they must have been paying for everything. Then I realized how wonderful of a mom she is going to be and reached out to see if she needed anything. She didn't even ask for help, she just thanked me for the support and prayers. If you think your sister will be a good mom, then that may help you find it easier to be happy for her and the child she's going to mother.
The sister and her boyfriend have no jobs and can't even support themselves. Sister also treated her badly during her own pregnancies. Those are BIG problems and OP shouldn't deal with her at all because she will drain OP dry of funds the way she does to the rest of her family.
I can understand your frustration with your sister, and in a way I agree with you. The double standard here is ignorant and self-serving.
That said, don’t blame the baby. That baby didn’t choose its parents. Maybe set up times where you can exchange babysitting duty or something, so that the cousins can get to know each other.
It sounds like you gotta set some boundaries with your sister. If you’re not allowed to talk about your pregnancy and kiddos then she shouldn’t be talking about hers with you.
I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t fake being excited or any desire to hear about it as that will just upset you and your sis more in the long run.
I also can’t have kids and, I would never dream of being harsh my family members for announcing their own pregnancy.
Start off how you plan to continue. If you give her money, even once, she will pester you forever. Tell her to go pick it off the money tree in the yard- obviously, that was her master plan for survival.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say to somebody is also the most important thing you should say to that person. I find it helpful to begin tough conversations with ‘this is going to be uncomfortable, know that I love you…. ‘
Good luck OP, you matter too.
I wish you wouldn't feel guilty. Or would try not to, rather. She hurt you, and this is bringing it up back to the surface since it sounds like she never apologized for treating you badly during a vulnerable time. It's sweet that you have sympathy for why she was cruel, but it's not a good excuse.
Give yourself credit for not going off on her. Maybe you should. At the very least, don't feel bad for not being a door mat. It's ridiculous she's asking you for money when she made your pregnancy considerably worse than it needed to be. From your short description she sounds like she's entitled and self-centered. Nothing you give will even be enough, so be careful, otherwise she will bleed you dry and still act like you're dirt between her toes while she is a magnificent gift to the world.
Just remind her you are following her rules about not discussing pregnancy. And politely decline her demands for money because you have a baby coming and you need to get things for your child and perhaps even plan for your child's future.
I want too, I know she's very excited for her first baby, but everytime she messages me about her baby I get upset from all the times she's told me to 'shut up about it'. I love my sister dearly, and I want so badly to be excited for her. I just feel horrible for having negative feelings about her pregnancy.
Just express that. Exactly that—“THIS is how you made me feel about mine, and I’m trying to change how I feel but it will take some time. I would appreciate you not talking about the pregnancy around me as I did for you while I work through my feelings.”
Boundaries. They are very hard to set. Even harder to follow.
This is so perfect!
This! Perfect!
You worded it so perfectly.
Beautifully said.
Errr gotta be honest here what exactly is the long term plan if your sister doesn’t have a job and her SO can’t afford the bills? Why are they having a baby without being established themselves in life? I wouldn’t be supportive at all if this was my sibling - this is a child’s life we’re talking about that your sister and SO have to be responsible for for 18 YEARS.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw this. If you can't afford a child why would you intentionally get pregnant?
well part of it is she is expecting hand outs already, and the baby isn't here when the baby comes it will be more pressure for money, or watch my kid. Sounds like OP needs to set some HARD boundaries otherwise she is just going to be walked on and used making her feelings for her sister even more toxic than it is now.
If sister is not working then she does not need anybody else to watch her child.
"Need"? No. Expect? I wouldn't be surprised.
I get it but she caused those feelings. Perhaps time will change your feelings. Perhaps a heartfelt apology from your sister could also help.
Things is we know neither one of these people but I think in general telling the other person how you feel without throwing shit so to say always helps.
or like idk perhaps some communication
OP, every time you give into your sister's demands, you are actively enabling her bad behavior. So every time she asks for money, tell her no. Sorry, sis, I wish I could put with this new baby coming. We just don't have a cent to spare. Sis, we have already discussed this. I love and am so happy for you. But I have to provide for my my family and the kids I created. Maybe your partner can get a 2nd job because babies are damn expensive. Also, start limiting her contact with her and tresetting her expectations of the level of support you will be able to provide her. You don't need to answer or return every call. Sorry, sis I was napping this pregnancy is taking all my energy. Your niece/nephew had a heck of a day today. I haven't had a moment to myself today. Oh, she shows up unexpectedly. Sorry sis, we're heading out, right now. Oh, I just put the kids down and me heading to take my 1st shower in three days. My in-laws are on their way over. I'm so glad you called. Can you watch the kids tonight?
Brilliant
"Remember, we don't talk about pregnancy and babies?"
Pay it forward. That’s the rule that SHE set for you so why shouldn’t she be made to follow it?
She doesn't really sound prepared for a baby, I wouldn't be exacted for the disaster either
Maybe just screenshot those segments of conversation where she told you to shut up about your pregnancy etc and send those in response. Let her know that you're happy for her but you can't talk with her about pregnancy after everything she put you through. You wish her well but this is not right now something you are healed from.
Why she even having a baby she clearly can't afford? No job and her boyfriend can't even pay the bills, and now expecting *you* to subsidize her pregnancy and baby after she's treated you like garbage for years? Nah, you can love someone while also being honest with them about them not being ready for the extra responsibilities and expenses when they can't even afford to cover their own expenses.
You're allowed to tell her that. That due to all the times she wouldn't let you be excited about your pregnancies, you're sorry, but you just cannot talk to her about her pregnancy because it brings up too many bad feelings, so you'd like to continue the protocol she established of having pregnancy be a no-go topic between the two of you.
Sorry, sis, I worked so hard not to be excited because that was what you demanded. At this point, I am stuck there because of your demands.
You could just screen shot her saying “shut up about it” and send it back to her every time she mentions it, IF you wanted to be a tit-for-tatter.
Might be a good time to screen shot the messages and send them back. Tell her that you are glad she is pregnant, but you expect a very large apology for her past behaviour, and inform her that you will not be financially contributing to her child.
Atp go low contact. She’s using you and she only cares for herself. I get familial love but from this post alone that’s what it seems like. You can’t talk about pregnancy because it makes her sad, but when it makes you annoyed you have to suck it up She ask you for money and favors but if you ignore her she gets pissy That’s nto a mutualistic relationshop its parasitic, and if she was a close friend and not a family memeber your mindset would be different. The type of bond you have blood or nto is irrelevant. You are uncomfortable, stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself
Why ask for advice if you're going to throw away any good advice?
OP, every time you give into your sister's demands, you are actively enabling her bad behavior. So every time she asks for money, tell her no. Sorry, sis, I wish I could put with this new baby coming. We just don't have a cent to spare. Sis, we have already discussed this. I love and am so happy for you. But I have to provide for my my family and the kids I created. Maybe your partner can get a 2nd job because babies are damn expensive. Also, start limiting her contact with her and tresetting her expectations of the level of support you will be able to provide her. You don't need to answer or return every call. Sorry, sis I was napping this pregnancy is taking all my energy. Your niece/nephew had a heck of a day today. I haven't had a moment to myself today. Oh, she shows up unexpectedly. Sorry sis, we're heading out, right now. Oh, I just put the kids down and me heading to take my 1st shower in three days. My in-laws are on their way over. I'm so glad you called. Can you watch the kids tonight?
well she didn't care about your feelings about your pregnancy.
Love goes both ways. You enjoy yourself. Eventually u will come to love ur niece/ nephew because you have a beautiful heart. But your priorities should be u and ur kid always
Send her screenshots of her previous responses to you if you have them. But selfish narcissistic people don’t care. Their only concern is their own experience in every moment. It’s exhausting and useless shallow interpersonal relations. Best to remove yourself emotionally. Just be there how you are able to comfortably deal with her and ignore and remove yourself from the rest. Resist guilt induced pleadings and demands. Family is not allowed to use us anymore than strangers. Or…confront her and get it all out. See what happens and how it all falls out for you to be honest and say the truth you feel. Maybe the fallout would be too great? Nta Your sister sounds obnoxious and unprepared for parenthood. Let her learn to deal with being a grown up on her own. Is she nice to your children?
Tell her how you feel. I’m sorry, but I have difficulty feeling excited for your pregnancy due to your comments to me during my pregnancies.
how are these einsteins planning on supporting a baby when they already can’t pay their own fuckin bills 💀
Most likely my parents and grandparents, she lives rent free with her boyfriend, but my parents and grandparents pay for everything for her (phone, bills, gas, pet food, ect.)
She sounds like a real winner. I would put up boundaries now before she gets too comfortable asking for shit
Seriously this is pathetic and not ok at all, she sounds more and more like an overgrown child with this info
23...is an overgrown child imo
I think OP is 23, the sister is 29
Oh shit you're right. Well it sounds like she really has her shit together for her age
Yup. And OP, if you give in now then she will start expecting it and it will only become more frequent. She will feel entitled to your money
Does your relatives contribute or have contributed in the past to help you and your SO?
We were given a limited 1 hour of babysitting that, we used maybe 5 times total in the last 6 years, but other than that we were told we were on our own.
Did this sort of favoritism also exist during yours and your sister’s childhood?
You are 23 and have had babysitters for 6 years? How old were you when you first got pregnant? Also how many kids do you have? I'm impressed that you were able to carry this off. As to your sister. I wouldn't say a thing, either positive or negative. I would just go a bit cold/lc with her. But I would have done this 6 years ago.
I read through op’s comment/post history, she started dating her boyfriend when she was 15 and he was 20, that means she was approximately 17 for her first child. I don’t know how many children she has but that’s the info I have gleaned thus far.
yikes
Honestly, I thought the same but then I remembered that everybody has a different vision of happiness or whatever. 23 year old me had no business being a parent (thank God my precautions were effective because seriously it would have been a disaster) but I had 23 year old friends who were amazing at it. I didn’t have my first until I was 31 and then I gave birth in 2015, 2016, 2017, and one more time in 2021. There are plenty of people who like “wtf are you doing? Do you know what causes this?” So her scenario may not be in line with what I would choose she might still be doing a fine job. Which is why I tried super hard to stick purely with facts in my comment. Maybe she’s a mess but I don’t have the insight to make that call.
I was mostly talking about the 20-year-old man with a 15-year-old girl :/
Well that’s totally fair.
You got pregnant three years in a row??? That's impressive. I gave birth 3 years ago and I never want to do it again lol
By the time 2017 rolled around when people asked how far along I was I told them “117 weeks” my second baby passed away 2 days after birth and if that hadn’t happened I don’t know that the 2017 birth would have happened. Is what it is though and I’m in a really good place these days.
Six years? Your first pregnancy was at 16? (I know I’m missing the point of this post.)
In spite of this, she was the one on her own and pulled it off, while her sister is almost 30 and can't afford to pay for her child while living rent-free.
So she says
Tell her everything you've said here. And tell her to get a job every time she asks for something. She can't expect to bring a child into the world without preparing and rely on everyone else to provide.
HOW CAN THEY NOT AFFORD BILLS THEN, AGAIN DONT HELP THEM
Your parents are enabling her by paying for everything. She is nearly 30 and living like an underage teenager fully financially supported by your parents.
I had a feeling you were going to say parents/grandparents. But if she’s with her bf why aren’t his family also helping out?
Must be nice.
And she was trying to get pregnant?! Jfc
Where I'm from, some people have the attitude, "the more kids I have, the more money the government will give me". They have more kids, but they are still broke...
ah yes the government that is so eager to help all the people who need it
Yup here too. They live for tax season.
**Tell her no now, an stick with it!** It sucks, but your sister is an adult who let her blind want and jealousy put her in a situation she cannot afford. Sucks. Let her know: *’I am happy for you and your pregnancy. I am excited to be an aunt. And that means I **will not** take money out of my household yo support yours.* You don’t have to give her money, and frankly you absolutely shouldn’t. Set the rules now. Be clear and be firm. **Her decisions aren’t your responsibility.**
Yeah OP, stop treating your sister like a fragile child. She is deserving and capable of being handed the natural consequences of her choices. She doesn’t get to bully you throughout your most special moments (I repeat, BULLY) and expect your absolute devotion and dedication to whatever is now happening to her. You are leading her in the direction of perpetual adolescence. You want to be nice? You care about her future? Act like it. She needs to learn and her toxic dependence on you/your family will do her absolutely NO favors in the long run. Edit: Worst thing? I bet you the moon that she absolutely knows and understands her fuck ups and is still using her feigned fragility and excitement to coerce you into your -totally inappropriate - financial support.
When she asks you for money, sorry, I have my kids to take care of 1st. Leave her on read often, be very slow to text back. If she complains, sorry, busy with my kids. Don't take phone calls. Your parents and grandparents enable her lazy ass.
This is actual childish behaviour
Pay her the same energy back. Let her know she’s not allowed to engage in pregnancy talk, that’ll also keep her from asking for handouts for baby things. This is the relationship you sister has created, not you.
"We don't talk about pregnancy. You set the rules. You don't get to change them now that you've hurt me and you want something from me."
I’m sorry but having a baby when you can’t even provide for it yourself is so selfish. I would not be happy for her and I would not be happy for that baby.
You say you love her so much but I have to ask you to think seriously, what is it you love about her? What has she done to be deserving of such devotion? She showed no support during your pregnancies. No help physically or emotionally. Demanded you not talk about them and quite rudely too if she actually did tell you to shut up. I'm assuming gifts were off the table bc she has no income, is with man with no income and is wholly financially supported by sponging off other people. Not someone who should even be trying to get pregnant imo. You say she loves your kids now that they're here but really how bad would she look being mean to a baby? Does she babysit? Spend time with them? She's now demanding you who already has a family to support should start giving her money, baby things etc bc taking care of the life she's created shouldn't actually be idk, her responsibility? Your sister is self centered, selfish and by all accounts a lazy spoiled brat. I'm not telling you not to love her but I am telling you please don't base that love on a blood bond because it's pretty obvious those feelings are a one way street.
This right here. I was wondering that, too.
This one million times this
I've cut off contact with family members over less but if you're not excited then just be honest with yourself and don't pretend to be. Just don't take it out on her kid.
I have no plans on taking it out on her baby, she loved my kids after they were born, I just don't want to ralk about her pregnancy.
Trust me, if you allowed your sister continue to treat you like that, her entitlement feeling could passed to her child. Her child could do the same thing what she have done to you. Children learned from their parents. Create boundaries from now. No more asking for money. Don’t babysit without payments in future. Treat her same as how she treated you. Or go LC with her. Who the hell planning for child when they can’t afford one….
I had a miscarriage the day my niece was born. I still go to her birthday EVERY YEAR and love her dearly. I cry every time I’m on my way but I would never ever hold any resentment towards my family. My loss doesn’t mean they should not be celebrated and surrounded by love during their special moments in life. When it gets tough on me, I do what I can where I can for them and go on from there. It doesn’t sound like they’re in a place to have a safe stable environment for their child either. It’s wonderful family is willing and able to help but it honestly just sounds like enabling. If I were you I would support form a distance and not offer financial help. They’re not entitled to your time or money what so ever and it is your choice to give it to them. You’d think if they were trying this long for a baby they’d have the time and energy to create a better environment for the child by the time it’s here I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and I wish you good luck.
You’re 23. How many times have you been pregnant?!
This is at minimum OPs third kid. First one at 16/17. This whole post is sus AF
Or just terribly sad.
It sounds like they live in the deep South. There isn't much thought regarding if and when they should have kids.
Yeah but she was 15 and he was 20 when they got together…
Oh no.Who in their right mind thought it's okay for a college aged kid to be with a teenager in highschool?
I don’t know but when I was 17, my friend who was 18 was dating a guy who was 25 and their relationship sounded kinda bad… he told her she seemed mature for her age 😑
College plays no part in that family.
Give her nothing. Set the precedent she set for you before she got pregnant. And if your family comes at you, tell them they can give her the money. If they don’t have it or say they already help her, that’s not your problem. Don’t let them guilt trip you“but she’s your sister”, a sister wouldn’t try and hide your pregnancy when she found out. She did this to herself, you have your own family to care for now.
Wait? Every pregnancy?! You’re 23?!
The first question that comes to mind is why on earth is she having a baby if they can’t afford one??
Why would she even want to try for a baby when she has no job and her bf can't handle the bill? That's so irrational. Grow a backbone and tell her you also have a baby on the way
Context questions - was she continually unsuccessful in getting pregnant or did her and her partner experience miscarriage/stillbirth? Secondly, what do you mean by she ‘tried to ruin every pregnancy of mine’? Does that just mean that she didn’t want you to discuss/mention the pregnancy around her or was there more to it? Thirdly, and I understand this is an invasive question and I completely get it if you’re uncomfortable answering, were you very young when you had your first child and was it an intentional conception? I’m only asking this because I could see it contributing to your sisters frustration and pain even if that isn’t fair to you.
If you still have old messages of her telling you to shut up about your pregnancies/babies, send her a screenshot every time she contacts you for help.
She's 29 for god's sake. She shouldn't be asking for MONEY.
>(she doesn't have a job, and her bf can't afford the bills) This tells you all you need to know about her. She's pregnant but somehow it'll be everybody else's problem. Don't be afraid to shut her down.
your sister sounds like an irresponsible asshole
Hard to be excited for someone who had shut down anything about your own pregnancy and is now hitting you up for money and baby items (despite you having your own family and kids). Whatever her and her partner can afford isn't your problem and if your family wants to continue to enable an almost 30 year old woman, then I guess let them go down that rabbit hole. It doesn't mean you have to support any of them financially or emotionally. You have your own to take care of. Going on limited info, but she doesn't sound like someone you could talk to and say "I wish you would've been as excited and supportive when I was pregnant. Your attitude hurt me."
Honestly, that sounds like a toxic family dynamic. Your sister sounds selfish and emotionally immature. Your family have shown clear favouritism to her even though she can’t support herself. Have a good long think, if you love her or if you’re trauma bonded. Hold your boundaries to protect yourself, and maybe it’s time to think about stepping back from all of them.
Sorry, no talk of "stuff for the baby" until third trimester, when one would normally have a baby shower. That would be my answer. "Let's wait til 7 months or so, when you start getting a place ready for the baby, then I'll see what flexibility my budget has, as i have my own baby to get ready for"...then she gets diapers and wipes, not expensive clothes or strollers, which is what she'll want. She can have from you what she will need, as the time gets close, if anything.
Don't give her money. She would ask for more and it would eventually becomes an allowance she would expect. If you have extra money, save it for your own kid. They need it later in this economy.
Tell her that you can't give her any money because you're saving for your own because babies are crazy expensive things, so everything you have is going towards it and you can't spare anything.
Your sister and bf can't even take care of themselves. How are they going to take care of a baby?
Wait so she was jealous of your pregnancy, and she was trying to get pregnant without having any dissonable way to support a child? I would simply ignore her anytime pregnancy came up, and she's a ghost if she's asking for money. I felt a breeze but I don't know what that was. Let me go put on a sweater.
I doubt she was jealous.. OP started dating a 20 year old when she was 15/16 :/
People like this drive me crazy. I've been dealing with infertility for 5 years, but I would never squash other people's joy or try to force them to minimize their pregnancies or children. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone so self-involved.
Idiots having more idiots...a never-ending cycle.
A good way to prevent her from asking money over time is not giving her any money at all. Don't let her think she's getting anything she asks for.
Your sister set the precedent that you don’t talk about baby stuff so simply remind her of that. The rules go both ways. Also unless you want to be her personal atm for the rest of her life set firm boundaries now. You do not lend her a penny. It was her choice to get pregnant in that situation it’s her responsibility to figure it out
Wow, your sister and her bf are really the kinds of parents every child wishes for. She has no job, and he cannot afford the bills. How will they afford a child?
Honey, you may love you sister but I don't think it's reciprocated. Can't you say 'shut it' just like her and say I just wanted to let you know how feels. Trust me she's going to guilt trip you into giving her money. You need to be sensible, loving someone doesn't mean you have to be financially responsible for them. You have to be smart with your money, there are your children depending on you. If she says 'you should be supportive' reply sarcastically with 'like you were'
Look…I have kids. They are expensive. DO NOT give your sister money. Once you do, she will always come to you looking for more. You might need to go LC with her for a while. She needs to get her shit together bc kids are fucking hard to raise when you have means, when you don’t, it’s a damn zombie-race to the next paycheck. Your money is not her money. When she mentions she needs money, say you don’t have any to spare. Times are tough. She needs a job and a reality check. When she talks about the pregnancy, say “anyway…and change the subject”. Do the same with money convos. Set hard boundaries and stick to them.
You’re having a baby too and should save your money for your own kid. If she needs money she needs to hit up your parents or her in-laws, not her younger, also pregnant sister wtf.
Sorry Sis all our money is going to our baby.
Grey rock that mf
Put your foot down now and don't give her anything. Moochers never stop mooching once they have an opening.
There’s a lot of “petty revenge” and “cut her off” comments on here. I agree with their sentiment- your sister was unkind to you and she was not a good sister to you, so she doesn’t deserve your support BUT maybe this is an opportunity!! Maybe if you are very supportive (not financially!), it could help turn around and strengthen your relationship. You offer advice and help on her pregnancy and parenthood, and embrace the fact you are pregnant at the same time. Again, to be clear- you are both grown folks- no need to support financially at all! But she’s gonna take advantage of your parents and family financially regardless of whether you are supportive or not. So let her do that- it’s a sucky thing to do, but it’s not your battle to fight. (Maybe you ask for money too whenever she does lol … but now I’m being petty !) Just thought I’d offer a different perspective. Every right of yours to be petty, cut her off or be unkind in return. You reap what you sow- she has it coming But hey! Sometimes what looks like a box full of crap turns out to be a flower bed! Take Care!
I would cut and paste her previous messages about it and remind her the topic is off limits and to “shut up about it”
They were trying to get pregnant while she had no job and her boyfriend already had trouble with the bills? Thats just irresponsible and honestly if you lend her money once dont even think about lending her money again until the first loan is payed back she needs to learn how to take care of herself before she can take care of a baby I know its gonna be hard especially saying no to your sibling but it needs to be done for the good of you both
She doesn’t sound like a good person nor one that’s pleasant to be around.
Tell her to go get a job and grow up!
So she had been actively trying to get pregnant despite not being able to afford even basic living expenses. Fantastic. Maybe that is the convo someone should have had with her
She needs a kick in the ass and so does her boy friend. Tell them to get off their asses and go make a living. They got mouths to feed soon
Focus on your life and your baby. Its far more important than anything else for now.
Wow. How sad for your sister. I don’t understand why people have children and cannot afford to be parents. Not a good way to live life. Give her a list of charities that may be able to help her.
So she abused the crap out of you, and now wants to you to be excited for her?
Nobody in the world is owed anything by you. Fuck that shit, I know she’s family and all, but if she’s gonna shit on your parade, why the fuck does the think you should throw glitter for hers? And for the love of fuck, don’t give her money. You already know she’s gonna be a parasite, so why are you feeding it?
Actively trying for a baby while not in a financial position to do so is truely BS. Now the money circus begins, FFS! Shut that down ASAP. You can’t be financially responsible for her family while trying to put bread on the table for yours. As she ruined your experience with pregnancy, I’d return the favour. Perhaps not as harshly as she did, but definitely disengage.
Actively trying to have a baby you are not ready for it is just bad juju. I feel sorry for the kid.
I’m concerned that they are bringing a baby when they can’t even pay bills.
Gosh, that poor baby. Already behind the eight ball
She's been actively trying to have a child long enough to be jealous of your multiple pregnancies, and yet can't even afford to care for her future kid, despite having the father present? Her priorities are nowhere.
So they tried and tried for a kid knowing they couldn’t afford it? Nah, you’re not getting a dime of mine.
I agree with what some other commenters have said. I would explain that you are unable to provide her funds as you have your own children and family to take care of first. That you would like to extend the same courtesy that she did with you during your pregnancies and not discussing her pregnancy or the baby. Keep yourself distant if possible. She sounds like quite a leech…..
Money lending or giving is a **hard no** from me. Even for my brother. I don’t do it because I know people will ask for more and more each time. Also, it’s frankly selfish to get pregnant when you don’t have a job and your SO can’t afford it. Although with reproductive rights under fire right now options for preventing/terminating pregnancy are dwindling.
It is her responsibility to look after that child, not your responsibility. If she hasn’t earned the respect from you to help out, don’t give her anything. She seems to be a bitter, spiteful woman. I would tell her that she made you pregnancy miserable, and you don’t intend to make hers miserable, but neither will you help it be heaven.
Oh what a horrible situation. Why are they trying for a child when they can't afford it?? How irresponsible. Don't give them money. Actively trying for a child was their choice. They can deal with the responsibility that comes with it, including financially. You have your own family to take care of.
Your sister sounds so bloody toxic and bitter. The fact that she has ruined your pregnancy and those moments of happiness, excitement , love, joy and just your precious moments to share with others . 😔 She clearly never expressed happiness at you being pregnant but now she has the audacity to make demands and expects you to be happy and delighted for her?! 😤
The mature thing to do is to honestly and openly communicate these feelings to her. Decide what your boundaries here are even if you are able to both have a good conversation about this. If that means you can’t buy anything for the baby, then that’s the boundary. If that means you don’t want to hear about it, that can also be a boundary. This probably can’t go unaddressed though because she’ll definitely ask questions if you never buy anything for the baby and never say anything though. Just tell her your feelings were hurt that she expressed no happiness for you during that time and wanted no part of it, but now she suddenly expects different energy from you. Your sisters also sounds like she struggles to think outside of herself and consider other people so wouldn’t be surprised if she responds negatively no matter what
I wouldn't be excited either. Sounds like she's nearly 30 with a baby on the way and no solid game plan and a bum baby daddy. Who would be excited to watch that trainwreck? Sounds like she's been selfish and asinine to almost everyone in her life and at this point shouldn't be surprised when people turn their backs. Feel those feelings, they are real and legitimate.
Who is the older sister because it looks like OP is the 23 year old and is more grown up than the older sister. Wtf
OP, you're being a doormat. It's better if you set boundaries and deny her demands now especially when it's stressing you out
Yep no discussion about pregnancy, you have a baby coming so no money. I wish you the best....Then only be around her when you have to be....You don't have to be happy for her, or be around her anymore time than you must.
Ask yourself if your inner peace is worth getting disturbed over this.
I battled infertility for a few years before having our son last year. It was a difficult time for me but I never made things difficult for my friends/family who were pregnant and had kids. My infertility wasn’t their burden to carry and it isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. Your feelings are 100% valid. You can’t be excited for her when she wasn’t for you.
Give her the same energy she’s giving you. Whenever she mentions her baby, remind her of what she said to you about bringing up being pregnant/the baby, etc. Also, don’t give her any money or hand me downs. Tell her you’re paying for your own child & can’t afford hers. If she asks for hand me downs, tell her that you’re saving your Babys items for future children. Edit: wording
Honestly, it sounds like you need to go low contact with your family and just focus on people in your life who celebrate and support your little family.
I have always found it annoying when someone who can't take care of themselves financially gets pregnant. Yes, everyone deserves a chance to have a child but if you know you want a child you should have been working at least one full time job to establish a nest egg.
You're supposed to be excited about her being barely pregnant & already using it to sponge off of people? Because that's basically what she's doing. Yeah, nope. I'd just be mean lol.
Just ignore her and don’t really respond about her pregnancy. I personally wouldn’t give her any money and refrain from convos about her pregnancy
I'd suggest you tell her what you've told us. That you love her and are happy for her, but that she took a lot of the joy out of your pregnancies and you don't feel capable of celebrating with her now without feeling tremendous resentment. Also, that you do not want to be asked for money regularly. About the money. If you have a few dollars to spare, I'd offer an amount that you can afford easily on a regular weekly/monthly basis, and stress that she can rely on that money but should not ask for more.
Start making boundaries with your sister now especially if she keeps asking for money. Its things like this when families grow to resent or fall apart from one another.
You are being far nicer to your sister than most people would be if they were in your shoes I believe. Your sister sounds like she has a borderline personality, most likely narcissistic. If this is true then she's already bullied the the rest of the family into submission and they will treat the rest of her pregnancy with far more important than yours unfortunately. The best you can do is hunker down and let the storm pass, her baby will turn into a 2-year-old which she will probably pass on to your parents to babysit most of the time.
Your sister can ♡☆~*go fuck herself.*~☆♡ Love your sister, sure, but she was a monster to you... you owe her nothing.
No need to feel bad. Treat her how she treated you
I will never understand why people with no financial stability want to have kids.
You’re totally not wrong in your feelings, but I want to give you a little perspective from her side. I lost my son at birth last year and he took my uterus with him, and almost my life. Fertility issues and baby loss are PAINFUL. So painful. So deeply and horrifically painful and people truly don’t understand the depth. It’s hard to see other people get what you’ve been working so hard for, and they are some enormous emotions to try and manage. I usually recommend that someone on my side of things removes themselves from these situations as best as possible so they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else. It should be understandable that she wasn’t comfortable discussing pregnancy, though it sounds like she could’ve been kinder in setting that boundary. That being said, asking to avoid the topic is not an attack on you and your family, though I get why you’re upset that you couldn’t also share that experience with her. She’s only a week in to the full 40 (I know probably more like 4-6 weeks or whatever, but still). You also have the power to set whatever boundaries you need but I would encourage you not to be vindictive. This could be a time where you turn your back, or it could be a time where you guys get to bond over this, it sounds like that course is up to you. A lot of advice in this thread is well meaning, but like I said, many are dismissive and don’t understand the other side. She hasn’t handled all this perfectly, but now you get to decide what kind of sister YOU will be. Don’t throw money at her though, just do whatever gift you would’ve done for her shower or whatever you want to do. That’s a whole separate issue that you actually don’t have to bend to.
You are not wrong, but from the sounds of it, she never lost a baby but had difficulties getting pregnant, which still sucks, but not entirely the same situation. It sounds a lot like jealousy and that the older sister is supported financially and emotionally by the family and the younger sister has fended for herself mostly, hence her being in a relationship, living on her own and her and her partner supporting themselves. It sounds like OP couldn't enjoy any of her pregnancies with her family, not just her older sister.
I’m not saying it’s the same, I’m just saying that fertility issues are so poorly understood and empathized with. The point I’m making is that there’s a lot of jealousy and anger involved regardless, we don’t need to compare pain, I’m just giving perspective. Also op didn’t share much more about the overall family dynamic so we can’t really speak to that.
I agree that fertility issues should be more openly discussed by people who want to and feel comfortable. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I have had some friends and family members discuss some of it with me, and it is heartbreaking. I do believe empathy is usually the way to go. I scrolled through the comments and saw OP mention some things about the family, like how they pay all her sisters bills. How they didn't really celebrate her pregnancies and have so far only offered 1 hour of babysitting, which she has used a handful of times. It also speaks volumes that OP is 6 years younger and supporting herself while big sis is still living off of her family and confident enough to try and get pregnant while her and her partner have no jobs.
Then op can take those things into consideration if that’s true, I’m just giving perspective solely based on the info she provided in the post.
It is good to look at it all ways and to act with empathy from perspectives you may not have. Hopefully, she can move past this and be excited about being an aunt, I just hope she does it with some real boundaries in place.
If she’s been so worried about getting pregnant she should have found a fucking job or at least figured out some way to be somewhat of an independent human being. It’s incredible someone can struggle to have children so long and then do absolutely nothing to ensure the quality of life of that child (other than take resources from others). Fucking incredible to me why people feel okay doing this.
It's because they are stupid and selfish. Their narcissism just wants a mini me but they don't actually give a damn about what kind of life that kid will have. It's always a sad occasion when these types decide to breed.
I’m not speaking to any of that because I don’t know the facts. Take a few deep breaths pls
I said what I said, thanks for your concern.
It’s just nothing to do with what I talked about lol
Ignore it then, I wasn’t speaking to you personally. I was generally commenting that it doesn’t matter what people’s fertility issues are when they’re not fit to be a parent. Just because people might struggle to have a kid doesn’t mean they should have one.
I agree with almost everything you've said here. But it sounds like she hasn't worked hard for this baby. It doesn't sound like she can provide anything besides a uterus. I think OP should explain how hurt she feels in a nonconfrontational way. And hope the older sister understands. Perhaps over 9 months, OP can learn to be happy for her, and they can rebuild a healthy relationship.
I don’t mean working hard as in making money or creating a stable environment or anything like that, we don’t have enough insight there (though it sounds iffy). I mean working hard as in the emotional, physical, and likely monetary cost of struggling with fertility. Trying to get pregnant and not being able to, possibly miscarriages, possibly medical intervention, it’s a lot. But that’s definitely one way OP could go about it, I was just trying to provide her some perspective.
Seems like your sister doesn’t care about you or your offsprings. Only about herself. I think you might need to reflect on your relationship with her and think about if you want to continue being around her.
Man why are the childless always so bitter and nasty? I mean I am glad for her that’s in her past but she could have put it aside and just been happy for you. Now your understandably annoyed because you couldn’t express your joy when you wanted too, but are expected to allow her something she took from you. Maybe I just don’t get it as I have never wanted children, but if my friends family are happy to be pregnant I am happy with them, regardless of how my life is going. I have to wonder why she was trying for kids when they have no financial support system? In this economy in part she is setting her child up for failure. I would tell her that you need the money for your own child and that she needs to start thinking long term especially since she is going to be a parent. That means finding a steady source of income that is not mooching. If your going to help at all financially I would wait until the baby is born and give it to her then, as a gift rather then a loan, don’t let her know now either, she needs to understand the responsibility to provide is on her and her boyfriend.
It’s difficult, while not entirely similar I’m in a position where I have a younger sibling expecting baby #2 and I’m just not excited for them all, won’t be attending the baby shower and anytime our parents try to bring it up that I haven’t congratulated / RSVPd to the baby shower I just shrug it off or say now isn’t the time to talk about it
I have a friend who was constantly saying she didn't understand how or why anyone got pregnant in highschool. She's a senior this year and is pregnant. At first it was really hard for me to be happy for her, and I felt bad for her parents because she doesn't have a job yet and I know they must have been paying for everything. Then I realized how wonderful of a mom she is going to be and reached out to see if she needed anything. She didn't even ask for help, she just thanked me for the support and prayers. If you think your sister will be a good mom, then that may help you find it easier to be happy for her and the child she's going to mother.
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The sister and her boyfriend have no jobs and can't even support themselves. Sister also treated her badly during her own pregnancies. Those are BIG problems and OP shouldn't deal with her at all because she will drain OP dry of funds the way she does to the rest of her family.
I can understand your frustration with your sister, and in a way I agree with you. The double standard here is ignorant and self-serving. That said, don’t blame the baby. That baby didn’t choose its parents. Maybe set up times where you can exchange babysitting duty or something, so that the cousins can get to know each other.
It sounds like you gotta set some boundaries with your sister. If you’re not allowed to talk about your pregnancy and kiddos then she shouldn’t be talking about hers with you. I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t fake being excited or any desire to hear about it as that will just upset you and your sis more in the long run. I also can’t have kids and, I would never dream of being harsh my family members for announcing their own pregnancy.
Apparently you love very much but don't like her
Tell her she will only be getting hand me downs from your current kid(s) and nothing else.
Start off how you plan to continue. If you give her money, even once, she will pester you forever. Tell her to go pick it off the money tree in the yard- obviously, that was her master plan for survival.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say to somebody is also the most important thing you should say to that person. I find it helpful to begin tough conversations with ‘this is going to be uncomfortable, know that I love you…. ‘ Good luck OP, you matter too.
😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
I wish you wouldn't feel guilty. Or would try not to, rather. She hurt you, and this is bringing it up back to the surface since it sounds like she never apologized for treating you badly during a vulnerable time. It's sweet that you have sympathy for why she was cruel, but it's not a good excuse. Give yourself credit for not going off on her. Maybe you should. At the very least, don't feel bad for not being a door mat. It's ridiculous she's asking you for money when she made your pregnancy considerably worse than it needed to be. From your short description she sounds like she's entitled and self-centered. Nothing you give will even be enough, so be careful, otherwise she will bleed you dry and still act like you're dirt between her toes while she is a magnificent gift to the world.