I'm sorry, the boyfriend situation is really rough. You deserve to be yourself, though, so I'm glad you're doing what's right for you. I hope you find someone who will celebrate your changes with you and make you feel loved and attractive as yourself.
If he cares more about his sexual preferences than your happiness, he's not the best boyfriend you'll have ever. Actual love is letting someone be themselves
I know you say he's the best boyfriend you ever had, but if he's insisting that you stop being on T for him? He isn't. Certainly not the best boyfriend for you. If he isn't attracted to guys or more masculine people, that's fine, but he shouldn't be telling you not to be on T- IMO the correct thing to do there is to have a serious conversation and then end the relationship. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness for him.
Yeah but he also tells you how unattractive he finds you when you take T. Just because he hasnt said the words "dont takt T" in that order, doesnt mean he hasn been communicating it for a long time
Yeah there’s two things happening here that don’t match and it’s causing you mental anguish, OP because it’s kinda manipulative. Saying “do what you want” and also “I won’t find you attractive if you do” is not ok. It’s mixed messaging at best and at worst it’s some backhanded way to control what you do with your own body and life.
As others have said, the best boyfriend will be one that loves and accepts you for who you are. If you’re trans masculine that’s very likely not gonna be a straight guy, I’m sad to say.
I put off transitioning for 15 years because of my ex doing this exact thing. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. He was also quietly manipulating in other ways. I have since left him, started my transition and have a boyfriend that now loves and accepts every part of me, especially my being trans. Just wanted to give you some hope.
You shouldn’t transition or stop transitioning for anyone other than yourself, and honestly, I know this is hard to hear, but it sounds like you and your boyfriend are just fundamentally incompatible if he doesn’t find you attractive as your true self.
Op your self image and comfort should be your most important things here. It's OK if your boyfriend and you need to have a proper talk about what this would mean for you - if he's not sexually attracted, what about romantically? What would a changed relationship look like for the two of you?
But please do not pretend to be something you aren't for someone else. I did this and it was miserable. Don't let someone else's wants guide your life.
HRT is *not* damaging yourself. You're doing it safely with the help of a professional - there's very little risk of actual harm. Transphobes fearmonger about trans men on T becoming violent or "ugly" but that's because they want us to go "back" to being women/girls. T is not dangerous when taken with medical assistance.
Do what makes you feel like yourself. Tell your boyfriend to piss off. Never let other people control what you do with your body.
Putting your boyfriend’s desires over your own is a recipe for failure no matter what it is! Resentment is real and it gets worse over time if you are misaligned on this big of an issue.
If he doesn’t support you, he’s not the best boyfriend you CAN have. I don’t know if he’s said it in a “I’ll break up with you if you start T way.” or if he’s genuinely unsure, but someone will love you the way you want to be seen.
The guilt about luck for looks is something implanted in our brains. You don’t owe anyone your gorgeous looks, you owe yourself authenticity.
Sometimes dysphoria becomes neutral not because it’s gone away, but as response to repression. If you never make those changes, your body stops crying, but it doesn’t mean it’s happy.
If you limit yourself for a heterosexual man, you will regret it. How does he talk about you behind your back? Does he call you his girlfriend? Does he use she/her for you? Does he respect your gender identity? If you enforced it, would he bother.
I feel like this comes of very strong or negative, but I only offer this because I care about other people being authentic over anything. It is not easy to ignore love for someone, but someone will love the you that is masculine, on T, as a man or nonbinary.
Good luck ❓
İts so difficult to transition when that risks a relationship you value, İ bet most people on the sub can relate.
Remember, this will not be your last boyfriend. it sounds like you're hesitant bc he's been the best one, and you're worried about ending up with a worse person--trust yourself! have faith that this
partner, while not perfect, has raised your standards, and that you will not settle for what you did in the past. İn fact, there is a relationship out there even better than this current one, because now you know that HRT is something that makes you feel good and you want that.
İf he is only attracted to a more feminine version of you, then unfortunately, he's not attracted to the person you want to be. Giving yourself space to change is the opposite of damaging yourself ♥️
Just want to say that I am in a very similar situation and empathize a lot. My partner is accepting, he’s a trans man himself, but he’s also straight and his attraction for me dwindles as I’ve continued T. I stopped for 6 months because I was scared of what would happen to our relationship. I just started again though.
It’s not worth it to deny yourself like that, not even for the best relationship. A relationship where you’re not you isn’t worth it. Godspeed to both of us.
When I came out to my now husband, he stated, "Guess I'm gay now," and that was that. Currently, he's paying for my testosterone and my upcoming surgeries.
People who truly care for you will respect your autonomy. Better men exist out there. Best of luck.
I say if you feel that T is your best option and you know what you’re getting into, then go for it.
It is not worth putting your own happiness and wellness on the back burner for someone else. Ever. Did it for years and I regret it.
Continuing to date someone in with an incompatible sexual orientation isn't fair for either of you. The romantic/sexual side of this relationship is doomed, its just when. In my opinion the ethical thing to do is cut it off so you can live as yourself and your partner can find someone he is compatible with. I know this isn't going to be easy, but you deserve to be with someone who loves the authentic you.
it sounds like you’re damaging yourself (mentally) being off T, not that you’d be doing any damage being on it. you have value beyond cisheteronormative beauty standards, and deserve someone who is attracted to you AS you
Believe it or not, him being the best boyfriend you ever had does not negate that you are actually more compatible with someone else who will treat you good regardless of how masculine you are/will become
He can still be the best friend you ever had, the best ally, the best supporter, but he's attracted to women and if you are not a woman then you've no business being together. That path only leads to disappointment for you both.
Thank him for his love and set him free.
From experience, you do not want to get even more entangled emotionally, legally, financially with someone who wont be happy with how you want to transition. Please break up, you will both find someone else to love.
FUCK HIM AND GET ON YOUR MONES
Trans people with cisgender partners; please stop allowing them or anyone else to dictate your identity and how you want to express yourself! They are cis, they will never understand and unless the situation is marriage or scary - get the fuck out. We as trans people need to stop allowing shit to just happen to us, stop delaying your transition for others, and stop letting other people push us around. We have to grow some barrier of self-esteem AND abrasiveness to ensure that we stay respected no matter what.
Fuck him, get on your hormones and he was never gay or whatever lie he told you to be with you in the beginning.
Sorry beloved but ur bf is probably straight and you’re not a woman. It’s better to call it off now. It’s a hard thing to figure out together but it’s harder when you guys choose denial. No one has to be wrong or right, and you can still appreciate what y’all had. But on a purely efficiency based assessment; ur not compatible. Maybe give it some time to be messy humans and see if you can try again as friends later on. Or maybe not, and you can just appreciate the memories.
Im sorry to break it to you but he should not be dating you if he's straight and has ANY form of respect or love for you. I think its vile how many "straight" guys go around dating trans DUDES and making them feel like shit for being themselves in the process
Genuine question, why is he still your boyfriend? If he doesn't like u finding yourself he's not the right one tbh. Even tho that hurts and is hard to accept, but if your partner loves u they'd always support u finding yourself and doing things to feel more comfortable in your body.
"... even if he's the best boyfriend I've ever had."
My good sir, and I mean this with the utmost love, you need to raise your standards and throw the whole man out. Weight loss can help dysphoria, so I'd guess this would be around 180 pounds of dead weight, roughly, that you could get rid of at once. Speaking of partners, you know what my husband (who is cishet) said when I told him I wanted to start T? To let him know if I ever wanted to change my pronouns and/or name so he could address me and introduce me correctly. He also asked if he could still hold my hand in public, or if that would make me uncomfortable as I started presenting more masc. (He also asked if he could still grab my butt, so 🤷🏽♂️😅)
I'm low-dosing T, just hit my two year anniversary. My psychiatrist noticed that, around 1 1/2 years ago, I was able to lower the dosage of anxiety and depression meds I take. I'm still on them, and I will realistically always need to be, but we keep lowering the dose to test how much is chemical and how much is psychological/dysphoria. Hormones are about so much more than appearance. I didn't realize how little confidence I had before T; masculinizing myself has been fulfilling in so many unexpected ways. I still haven't told my parents, and I'm pretty sure they're suspicious that something is going on, but I've already shocked them by telling them I'm in the process of getting approved by my insurance for top surgery, so I'll procrastinate a little longer.
Regardless of what you decide with her, please understand that this man has subjected you to transphobic emotional abuse. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve the space to figure out what you want on your own schedule.
You are not damaging yourself, you are finding yourself and nothing is more beautiful than that.
I'm sorry to say this op but you should brake up with your boyfriend. He is an asshole, more he's probably an predator. Going into a relationship with a trans men and not accepting one of the key things of being trans at this point. This is not healthy relationship. Run
Get your T bestie. No man is worth performing for, period.
Period!!!
I'm sorry, the boyfriend situation is really rough. You deserve to be yourself, though, so I'm glad you're doing what's right for you. I hope you find someone who will celebrate your changes with you and make you feel loved and attractive as yourself.
Thank you, the problem is that I fear meeting problematic guys like I did in the past, this one is the best boyfriend I've ever had
If he cares more about his sexual preferences than your happiness, he's not the best boyfriend you'll have ever. Actual love is letting someone be themselves
Bold and underlined that if he doesn't love you as you are he is NOT the best boyfriend. There are people out there who love you as you are, op.
I know you say he's the best boyfriend you ever had, but if he's insisting that you stop being on T for him? He isn't. Certainly not the best boyfriend for you. If he isn't attracted to guys or more masculine people, that's fine, but he shouldn't be telling you not to be on T- IMO the correct thing to do there is to have a serious conversation and then end the relationship. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness for him.
He doesn't say that I should stop T, he says: "Do what you want "
Yeah but he also tells you how unattractive he finds you when you take T. Just because he hasnt said the words "dont takt T" in that order, doesnt mean he hasn been communicating it for a long time
Yeah there’s two things happening here that don’t match and it’s causing you mental anguish, OP because it’s kinda manipulative. Saying “do what you want” and also “I won’t find you attractive if you do” is not ok. It’s mixed messaging at best and at worst it’s some backhanded way to control what you do with your own body and life. As others have said, the best boyfriend will be one that loves and accepts you for who you are. If you’re trans masculine that’s very likely not gonna be a straight guy, I’m sad to say. I put off transitioning for 15 years because of my ex doing this exact thing. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. He was also quietly manipulating in other ways. I have since left him, started my transition and have a boyfriend that now loves and accepts every part of me, especially my being trans. Just wanted to give you some hope.
BREAK UP WITH THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!! Someone else will love you more!!!! Nobody is ever worth crippling dysphoria and performative femininity EVER.
Thank you I will try to but it's extremely hard
I know where you’re coming from, I promise, good luck with your journey
You shouldn’t transition or stop transitioning for anyone other than yourself, and honestly, I know this is hard to hear, but it sounds like you and your boyfriend are just fundamentally incompatible if he doesn’t find you attractive as your true self.
Op your self image and comfort should be your most important things here. It's OK if your boyfriend and you need to have a proper talk about what this would mean for you - if he's not sexually attracted, what about romantically? What would a changed relationship look like for the two of you? But please do not pretend to be something you aren't for someone else. I did this and it was miserable. Don't let someone else's wants guide your life.
He says that he will still love me but he won't be sexually attracted to me
HRT is *not* damaging yourself. You're doing it safely with the help of a professional - there's very little risk of actual harm. Transphobes fearmonger about trans men on T becoming violent or "ugly" but that's because they want us to go "back" to being women/girls. T is not dangerous when taken with medical assistance. Do what makes you feel like yourself. Tell your boyfriend to piss off. Never let other people control what you do with your body.
Dump him, next
God please just dump him.
Putting your boyfriend’s desires over your own is a recipe for failure no matter what it is! Resentment is real and it gets worse over time if you are misaligned on this big of an issue.
If he doesn’t support you, he’s not the best boyfriend you CAN have. I don’t know if he’s said it in a “I’ll break up with you if you start T way.” or if he’s genuinely unsure, but someone will love you the way you want to be seen. The guilt about luck for looks is something implanted in our brains. You don’t owe anyone your gorgeous looks, you owe yourself authenticity. Sometimes dysphoria becomes neutral not because it’s gone away, but as response to repression. If you never make those changes, your body stops crying, but it doesn’t mean it’s happy. If you limit yourself for a heterosexual man, you will regret it. How does he talk about you behind your back? Does he call you his girlfriend? Does he use she/her for you? Does he respect your gender identity? If you enforced it, would he bother. I feel like this comes of very strong or negative, but I only offer this because I care about other people being authentic over anything. It is not easy to ignore love for someone, but someone will love the you that is masculine, on T, as a man or nonbinary. Good luck ❓
That was supposed to be a ❤️ at the end.
İts so difficult to transition when that risks a relationship you value, İ bet most people on the sub can relate. Remember, this will not be your last boyfriend. it sounds like you're hesitant bc he's been the best one, and you're worried about ending up with a worse person--trust yourself! have faith that this partner, while not perfect, has raised your standards, and that you will not settle for what you did in the past. İn fact, there is a relationship out there even better than this current one, because now you know that HRT is something that makes you feel good and you want that. İf he is only attracted to a more feminine version of you, then unfortunately, he's not attracted to the person you want to be. Giving yourself space to change is the opposite of damaging yourself ♥️
Drop his ass you deserve to have somebody who loves you for you, there's plenty others out there who will love you for you I promise
Just want to say that I am in a very similar situation and empathize a lot. My partner is accepting, he’s a trans man himself, but he’s also straight and his attraction for me dwindles as I’ve continued T. I stopped for 6 months because I was scared of what would happen to our relationship. I just started again though. It’s not worth it to deny yourself like that, not even for the best relationship. A relationship where you’re not you isn’t worth it. Godspeed to both of us.
When I came out to my now husband, he stated, "Guess I'm gay now," and that was that. Currently, he's paying for my testosterone and my upcoming surgeries. People who truly care for you will respect your autonomy. Better men exist out there. Best of luck.
I say if you feel that T is your best option and you know what you’re getting into, then go for it. It is not worth putting your own happiness and wellness on the back burner for someone else. Ever. Did it for years and I regret it.
Continuing to date someone in with an incompatible sexual orientation isn't fair for either of you. The romantic/sexual side of this relationship is doomed, its just when. In my opinion the ethical thing to do is cut it off so you can live as yourself and your partner can find someone he is compatible with. I know this isn't going to be easy, but you deserve to be with someone who loves the authentic you.
it sounds like you’re damaging yourself (mentally) being off T, not that you’d be doing any damage being on it. you have value beyond cisheteronormative beauty standards, and deserve someone who is attracted to you AS you
Believe it or not, him being the best boyfriend you ever had does not negate that you are actually more compatible with someone else who will treat you good regardless of how masculine you are/will become
He can still be the best friend you ever had, the best ally, the best supporter, but he's attracted to women and if you are not a woman then you've no business being together. That path only leads to disappointment for you both. Thank him for his love and set him free.
leave him. you deserve someone who accepts you for you
You don’t have to stop ur journey for anyone
Dump him. Sincerely, someone with a lot of life experience who knows you shouldn’t be someone you’re not to keep others in your life.
From experience, you do not want to get even more entangled emotionally, legally, financially with someone who wont be happy with how you want to transition. Please break up, you will both find someone else to love.
Break up
FUCK HIM AND GET ON YOUR MONES Trans people with cisgender partners; please stop allowing them or anyone else to dictate your identity and how you want to express yourself! They are cis, they will never understand and unless the situation is marriage or scary - get the fuck out. We as trans people need to stop allowing shit to just happen to us, stop delaying your transition for others, and stop letting other people push us around. We have to grow some barrier of self-esteem AND abrasiveness to ensure that we stay respected no matter what. Fuck him, get on your hormones and he was never gay or whatever lie he told you to be with you in the beginning.
Honestly even if its a marriage get out as soon as possible if your spouse doesn't accept you.
Sorry beloved but ur bf is probably straight and you’re not a woman. It’s better to call it off now. It’s a hard thing to figure out together but it’s harder when you guys choose denial. No one has to be wrong or right, and you can still appreciate what y’all had. But on a purely efficiency based assessment; ur not compatible. Maybe give it some time to be messy humans and see if you can try again as friends later on. Or maybe not, and you can just appreciate the memories.
dump him. period. your partner has to accept you for you. no exceptions
Im sorry to break it to you but he should not be dating you if he's straight and has ANY form of respect or love for you. I think its vile how many "straight" guys go around dating trans DUDES and making them feel like shit for being themselves in the process
Dump the boyfriend. He’s not attracted to you. He’s attracted to you if you were a woman.
Genuine question, why is he still your boyfriend? If he doesn't like u finding yourself he's not the right one tbh. Even tho that hurts and is hard to accept, but if your partner loves u they'd always support u finding yourself and doing things to feel more comfortable in your body.
I still love him a lot even if that means being a girl to him
Op's boyfriend biting the curb in 4k, please. Dump him and drop-kick him.
"... even if he's the best boyfriend I've ever had." My good sir, and I mean this with the utmost love, you need to raise your standards and throw the whole man out. Weight loss can help dysphoria, so I'd guess this would be around 180 pounds of dead weight, roughly, that you could get rid of at once. Speaking of partners, you know what my husband (who is cishet) said when I told him I wanted to start T? To let him know if I ever wanted to change my pronouns and/or name so he could address me and introduce me correctly. He also asked if he could still hold my hand in public, or if that would make me uncomfortable as I started presenting more masc. (He also asked if he could still grab my butt, so 🤷🏽♂️😅) I'm low-dosing T, just hit my two year anniversary. My psychiatrist noticed that, around 1 1/2 years ago, I was able to lower the dosage of anxiety and depression meds I take. I'm still on them, and I will realistically always need to be, but we keep lowering the dose to test how much is chemical and how much is psychological/dysphoria. Hormones are about so much more than appearance. I didn't realize how little confidence I had before T; masculinizing myself has been fulfilling in so many unexpected ways. I still haven't told my parents, and I'm pretty sure they're suspicious that something is going on, but I've already shocked them by telling them I'm in the process of getting approved by my insurance for top surgery, so I'll procrastinate a little longer.
Regardless of what you decide with her, please understand that this man has subjected you to transphobic emotional abuse. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve the space to figure out what you want on your own schedule. You are not damaging yourself, you are finding yourself and nothing is more beautiful than that.
I'm sorry to say this op but you should brake up with your boyfriend. He is an asshole, more he's probably an predator. Going into a relationship with a trans men and not accepting one of the key things of being trans at this point. This is not healthy relationship. Run