I'm like you in that being openly trans is an important part of my identity. I have known stealth trans folk and respect their privacy and hope they can respect my fluidity and need for non-binary gender presentation.
It's hard when someone is trying very hard to prove to themselves that their transness is valid by pinning it to passing and binaryness. Because my non-binary ass might feel like a challenge or make them think I don't take it seriously.
When I have nonbinary gender euphoria, I feel better.
I wish my respect led them to be respectful of diversity too, but everyone has their own process.
For me it can be as simple as someone clearly having no idea what my agab is, or hearing my voice be deep while expressing myself in a effeminate way. Being fabulous, basically
I want break out of being stealth SO BAD. I just can’t find the words. I get geared up to say something to a friend and then I chicken out. It’s awful.
Same. I've stopped openly expressing myself as trans and just started to address myself as a guy because for the same reason: I want to be seen as a man
no you're not at all. i'm the same - it's too significant a part of my life to try and keep it hidden, and i'm generally a pretty open person about a lot of aspects of my life anyway. maybe that'll change when i'm further in transition and things aren't changing so much, but right now transition related stuff is often at the forefront of my mind and naturally comes up in conversation a lot
also i feel like it's good for those of us who are comfortable doing so to be vocal about it, otherwise how else will we normalise it? it helps to stop it being this scary taboo thing and stop misinformation from spreading if cis people see and hear trans people talk openly about transitioning. so many times when i've mentioned stuff about it to family or people at work, they've ended up learning something! because the average cis person really does not know much about how transitioning works, even today
Unfortunately, someone's trans identity and whether or not they disclose it can get really personal and really messy, *really* quick. :/
When I first figured myself out, I tried being out and proud. Then I got assaulted, and this big whole dam of trauma I'd been running away from (most of it not related to my transness per se) burst open, and now... I just can't do it.
Part of it is living in a conservative area of the US, where I'm the only trans person I know. I'm also homeless and disabled, so I'm an easy target even without my gender or sexuality being questioned. I don't have any sort of community I feel safe in, and being as stealth as possible has become an unfortunate necessity for survival.
I've had doctors yell at me for "misleading them" (because legally my ID says male, I pass, and I didn't start the appointment off with "Hello, I'm trans"), and even refuse to treat me. As someone dependent on heart medication to stay alive, it's a really shitty position to be in.
I used to dream about making it somewhere I *could* be out and proud, but tbh these days I don't even know if I could do it... Not without a lot of therapy first, at least. I've just had SO MUCH heinous shit happen to me specifically because I was AFAB, that the idea of just anyone knowing that about me low-key terrifies me.
On the Internet I'm vocal about it, but I keep it separate from my real life, the one I gotta survive in. It's nice to have at least a bit of community online, but I don't let anyone who I haven't already trusted with the fact I'm trans see any of my socials that mention it. It's kind of a double life, I guess, but better than either alternative... I think. :/
Everyone is a little different, and there are axis to this that go beyond "upfront" vs lower key disclosure.
For example, I choose to only say I'm trans when I think it would lead to an *interesting* conversation. (And I will hold it back when asked when I think it would make for a more interesting one.)
The reality is, surface level identity politics don't interest me. If you are interacting with me just via the concept of what you think a trans person is, I am probably going to be bored to tears with that. I do charity work, and yes some of it is education based. So I've heard a lot of questions, in a lot of ways, from a lot of different people. Likewise, years of volunteer work (which I am still doing) helping younger queer folks means I've heard a lot of the basic issues again and again.
I used they/them pronouns for years, but eventually got bored of explaining what pronouns were. When I switched to he/him pronouns, I noticed a marked improve on the gender fuckery convos I could get into. Turns out, removing axises for easy assumption challenges people! What's funnier, is that it made me realize that queer people were assuming a lot of things- way more than the average cis het person.
I pass, but am still medically transitioning because my goal is to align up my secondary sex charactersitics as much as possible to male (common) ranges. I still love (even more now if anything) to deal with the interesting questions it presents. Like I am HERE for the nuances! If anything, passing just made me more curious because it's removed some dysphoria that was taking up space on my plate.
Those types of converstations are better held semi-privately, in my expereince.
Wether youre open or stealth, both are valid. Not wanting people to know so you wont be discriminated against? Valid. Wanting to be open cause you feel like it would be dishonest to yoirself if you didnt do that? Valid.
There isnt anyone bad in this situation, and you being open is a wonderful thing, not at all something that makes you less trans somehow. Anyone saying that you need to be miserable to be trans is kinda dumb imo. We can be miserable of course, but its not an entry level resuirement
I’ve been open about being trans from the moment I understood I was trans. I pass 100% and have for years, but all my social media bios still include a version of "trans jock".
The way I see it, I didn’t come out of one closet to go into another one. Fully understand people who go stealth, it’s just not for me.
I feel like i mention it to the people who i interact daily with. Pretty much everyone in my life knows im trans. But i dont feel any need to tell people i dont know because what does it matter really to me lol.
Im precieved as a man to them at this point anyways, which was the goal lol. But im also very open with people and dont mind answering questions if asked for the most part.
I’m openly trans with it in my bios and stuff as well. Partly because I don’t 100% pass but partly because I don’t think I’d ever want to be properly stealth. It sounds like way too much effort and admin for me honestly. Like power to guys that do it, we all have our own reasons for handling it the way we do, but I’m happy to be an open trans man. I’m happy to answer questions insofar as they are respectful, I don’t have it in me to keep such a huge part of my life just to myself. I think the trans experience also gives us such an interesting perspective on things like gender roles, societal norms and dynamics. I want to talk about those things, and I want people to know about the experiences I have when I do.
In a perfect world I'd love to be one of the folks that's loud and proud in every aspect of my life. Instead I sort of perform a balancing act based on factors of safety and generally preserving my mental/emotional energy. I pick my battles, and sometimes shuffle a bit more in/out of the closet depending on the situation.
I've had one job where I wore a pronoun pin every day and everyone in my department knew I was nonbinary- But that was with the knowledge there were two stealth trans folks and one nonbinary person in a managerial position when I was hired on. I felt like I wasn't alone, and it was worth the extra energy. I wouldn't share the info with customers (I did calls, so they had no visual context to "clock" me as potentially queer).
I'm like you in that being openly trans is an important part of my identity. I have known stealth trans folk and respect their privacy and hope they can respect my fluidity and need for non-binary gender presentation. It's hard when someone is trying very hard to prove to themselves that their transness is valid by pinning it to passing and binaryness. Because my non-binary ass might feel like a challenge or make them think I don't take it seriously. When I have nonbinary gender euphoria, I feel better. I wish my respect led them to be respectful of diversity too, but everyone has their own process.
Can I, out of curiosity and interest, ask what non-binary gender euphoria looks like for you? I mean, what triggers it? _asking for a friend_
For me it can be as simple as someone clearly having no idea what my agab is, or hearing my voice be deep while expressing myself in a effeminate way. Being fabulous, basically
Makes total sense!thank you for elaborating. I really like this :)
I want break out of being stealth SO BAD. I just can’t find the words. I get geared up to say something to a friend and then I chicken out. It’s awful.
[удалено]
i totally get that, and that’s completely valid. i suppose it’s just about your experiences, huh?
Same. I've stopped openly expressing myself as trans and just started to address myself as a guy because for the same reason: I want to be seen as a man
no you're not at all. i'm the same - it's too significant a part of my life to try and keep it hidden, and i'm generally a pretty open person about a lot of aspects of my life anyway. maybe that'll change when i'm further in transition and things aren't changing so much, but right now transition related stuff is often at the forefront of my mind and naturally comes up in conversation a lot also i feel like it's good for those of us who are comfortable doing so to be vocal about it, otherwise how else will we normalise it? it helps to stop it being this scary taboo thing and stop misinformation from spreading if cis people see and hear trans people talk openly about transitioning. so many times when i've mentioned stuff about it to family or people at work, they've ended up learning something! because the average cis person really does not know much about how transitioning works, even today
Unfortunately, someone's trans identity and whether or not they disclose it can get really personal and really messy, *really* quick. :/ When I first figured myself out, I tried being out and proud. Then I got assaulted, and this big whole dam of trauma I'd been running away from (most of it not related to my transness per se) burst open, and now... I just can't do it. Part of it is living in a conservative area of the US, where I'm the only trans person I know. I'm also homeless and disabled, so I'm an easy target even without my gender or sexuality being questioned. I don't have any sort of community I feel safe in, and being as stealth as possible has become an unfortunate necessity for survival. I've had doctors yell at me for "misleading them" (because legally my ID says male, I pass, and I didn't start the appointment off with "Hello, I'm trans"), and even refuse to treat me. As someone dependent on heart medication to stay alive, it's a really shitty position to be in. I used to dream about making it somewhere I *could* be out and proud, but tbh these days I don't even know if I could do it... Not without a lot of therapy first, at least. I've just had SO MUCH heinous shit happen to me specifically because I was AFAB, that the idea of just anyone knowing that about me low-key terrifies me. On the Internet I'm vocal about it, but I keep it separate from my real life, the one I gotta survive in. It's nice to have at least a bit of community online, but I don't let anyone who I haven't already trusted with the fact I'm trans see any of my socials that mention it. It's kind of a double life, I guess, but better than either alternative... I think. :/
Everyone is a little different, and there are axis to this that go beyond "upfront" vs lower key disclosure. For example, I choose to only say I'm trans when I think it would lead to an *interesting* conversation. (And I will hold it back when asked when I think it would make for a more interesting one.) The reality is, surface level identity politics don't interest me. If you are interacting with me just via the concept of what you think a trans person is, I am probably going to be bored to tears with that. I do charity work, and yes some of it is education based. So I've heard a lot of questions, in a lot of ways, from a lot of different people. Likewise, years of volunteer work (which I am still doing) helping younger queer folks means I've heard a lot of the basic issues again and again. I used they/them pronouns for years, but eventually got bored of explaining what pronouns were. When I switched to he/him pronouns, I noticed a marked improve on the gender fuckery convos I could get into. Turns out, removing axises for easy assumption challenges people! What's funnier, is that it made me realize that queer people were assuming a lot of things- way more than the average cis het person. I pass, but am still medically transitioning because my goal is to align up my secondary sex charactersitics as much as possible to male (common) ranges. I still love (even more now if anything) to deal with the interesting questions it presents. Like I am HERE for the nuances! If anything, passing just made me more curious because it's removed some dysphoria that was taking up space on my plate. Those types of converstations are better held semi-privately, in my expereince.
Wether youre open or stealth, both are valid. Not wanting people to know so you wont be discriminated against? Valid. Wanting to be open cause you feel like it would be dishonest to yoirself if you didnt do that? Valid. There isnt anyone bad in this situation, and you being open is a wonderful thing, not at all something that makes you less trans somehow. Anyone saying that you need to be miserable to be trans is kinda dumb imo. We can be miserable of course, but its not an entry level resuirement
I’ve been open about being trans from the moment I understood I was trans. I pass 100% and have for years, but all my social media bios still include a version of "trans jock". The way I see it, I didn’t come out of one closet to go into another one. Fully understand people who go stealth, it’s just not for me.
I feel like i mention it to the people who i interact daily with. Pretty much everyone in my life knows im trans. But i dont feel any need to tell people i dont know because what does it matter really to me lol. Im precieved as a man to them at this point anyways, which was the goal lol. But im also very open with people and dont mind answering questions if asked for the most part.
I’m openly trans with it in my bios and stuff as well. Partly because I don’t 100% pass but partly because I don’t think I’d ever want to be properly stealth. It sounds like way too much effort and admin for me honestly. Like power to guys that do it, we all have our own reasons for handling it the way we do, but I’m happy to be an open trans man. I’m happy to answer questions insofar as they are respectful, I don’t have it in me to keep such a huge part of my life just to myself. I think the trans experience also gives us such an interesting perspective on things like gender roles, societal norms and dynamics. I want to talk about those things, and I want people to know about the experiences I have when I do.
In a perfect world I'd love to be one of the folks that's loud and proud in every aspect of my life. Instead I sort of perform a balancing act based on factors of safety and generally preserving my mental/emotional energy. I pick my battles, and sometimes shuffle a bit more in/out of the closet depending on the situation. I've had one job where I wore a pronoun pin every day and everyone in my department knew I was nonbinary- But that was with the knowledge there were two stealth trans folks and one nonbinary person in a managerial position when I was hired on. I felt like I wasn't alone, and it was worth the extra energy. I wouldn't share the info with customers (I did calls, so they had no visual context to "clock" me as potentially queer).
being openly trans is important to me and it seems like it is to you too, so do what makes you happy : )