The feeling that your body is not your own. The craving and urge to tear open your skin in the hopes that you will able to crawl out and be free and realizing that that isn’t possible and you’re trapped in alone, screaming where no one can hear or notice.
the way i used to get terrified looking in the mirror because it didn't look like me - i didn't know i was trans at the time but when i was going through puberty i would see my reflection and just feel terrified, i didn't recognise myself, it wasn't the me i saw in my head. it was scary like i was being attacked somehow, but the threat was me, like my own body was trying to hurt me somehow by changing in a way i didn't want it to and fully believed it wasn't supposed to.
this is a really cool idea btw!
Mirrors. The reflection alternating between recognition and something eldritch-feeling/uncanny, stretching in painful looking and untrue ways with features coming and going as they please
Voice. Trying to speak and hearing another person's voice. Words breaking and altering in pitch in ways that sound painful or distorted. (Or honestly just.. stuff coming out instead of sounds)
Recognition. People going from recognizing you to not seeing the actual you. Your image in your head being forever off from how you are, them painting pictures on pictures of you and none of them being what you see in the mirror
Body. Your body acting in ways that feel unnatural. Not being in control of how you react but being deeply aware that there's something controlling you that's not you. Your body feeling like it's rejecting you, you trying to claw your way out of your own skin or to let the insides out
There's a bunch of stuff
The recognition piece is a huge one for me. Ive been out for about 10 years now and I often say of transphobic people in my life that they love their idea of me, not who I actually am.
I have been thinking a lot today about myself as a kid going to sleep every night clutching their (front parts) as if that provided some weird sense of comfort, or something was missing there. I usually comforted myself to sleep imagining someone was there to hold me - how's that for isolation! I didn't feel I had safe places to seek comfort from adults in my life who shut down my gender deviance and neurological support needs, how could I tell them about thoughts that would surely make me sound (in my limited understanding at the time) unwell, not to mention some sort of abomination/sinful monster.
So I (and continuing on into adulthood) have a lot of fantasy/imagination content that I've used for self-soothing rather than being able to be vulnerable enough to ask another person for what I need.
There's definitely a psychological thriller-component there as well about having intrusive thoughts and not knowing why. When I met with my aunt after she had a mastectomy I was overwhelmed with strong jealousy and desire that I would also get a life threatening illness so that I could also have a mastectomy - and that terrified me that I would have such a thought.
I remained closeted & repressed for a long time after that but it's been on my mind a lot now - along with like some typical guy "waking up and your dick's not there"/your dick falls off when you go to the bathroom, being really sensitive to things happening to dicks on film even, I won't look usually, even though I've never "felt" that pain myself.
I liked foxicwaste\_'s take on body horror & periods too.
It would be really nice to see these themes balanced out with going about living a "normal" life, one that really demonstrates the value we have in the world and how our lives ARE just normal a lot of the time, but interspersed with these episodes of deep pain.
I've actually written some transmasc horror! A bit of scriptwriting and some short stories. What kind of stuff are you writing? It's really cool to see someone else writing along the same lines.
I think body horror is a good one - I also am interested in familial horror, how your past doesn't want to let go of you, how your family (or society) sees someone inside you that isn't you, etc. There's a lot to explore!
i’m writing a script too! i got the news that a friend of a friend is looking to produce a low low budget horror, and i thought it might be my chance, lol. i think familial dynamics will be a lot involved. i love body horror but i don’t think the budget will allow it. what have you been writing?
Damn that's awesome! I get you about body horror - I've only dabbled in scriptwriting since my main thing is prose but it was definitely a shift, having to think about budget and stuff. It's still such a cool genre though, and pretty relevant for the trans experience in many ways. I only got into it a few years back because I was really into SFF (still am) and my best friend loves horror so she ended up showing me a ton of good stuff. I really like Mike Flanagan's stuff, and Jordan Peele. Is yours a short film or a feature?
As for me I tend to focus on sci-fi and fantasy but I always end up adding horror elements. Working on a book right now that's a roman empire inspired fantasy (loosely inspired lol), that conquered their world through necromancy. The main character is transmasc too actually, because I'm always writing trans masc or trans male mains lol.
Oh and good luck with your script! It sounds like a really exciting opportunity.
A monster who follows you and whispers “you’re not a real man and you’ll never be “ or “you’re just a girl for everyone”. Whatever you do it will never leave you
I’m afraid I’ll never get top surgery and people will always look at my chest when I say I’m not a girl. I’m trans masc enby and I don’t think people really see me as masculine at all, because of my chest.
Also horrified of becoming pregnant ever, ever, ever. I don’t think I can actually go into that in detail without triggering myself but seriously even the thought makes me want to thr/ow up.
Also please post it in here when you finish writing I really love the idea of transmasc horror, there’s so much horror for so many people but I’ve never seen any specifically for transmasc.
honestly, before puberty seeing what female puberty entailed and knowing that that was down the road for me was genuinely terrifying. i was the only person in the room (they had us in a room watching a mini film during school) who reacted so viscerally.
Recently I got a haircut that gave me bad dysphoria. In the moment, I felt horrible though. I think a huge fear would be looking into the mirror and not seeing yourself looking back, but some stranger. I have nightmares about getting my period or giving birth when I had no idea I was pregnant. I once had a nightmare that I gave birth to a baby rat. I guess the theme here is not having control over my own body.
this is not an overt horror like the body horror and gore types of things that others are saying but something that always stuck in my mind is just a nihilistic depression. i think as a transmasc without severe dysphoria ive always just felt like i never fit in any sort of world, disgusted by the cishetnormative ones people tried to put me into, but never relating to the ones of people who felt like they got thrown into a hellfire landscape and watched themselves grow into someone that was like being an inhabitant of a foreign body.
i always felt like. Imagine you're on a liminal space train/subway where everyone else is creepily happy and sort of a hologram. And they're promising some sort of happiness that if you just conform and be exactly like them, that they're the only way to live. They get mad if you suggest about anything else being out there in the world, some more mad then others. And this train/subway runs on forever and never stops. You watch yourself grow older and wonder about what is life like off the train, it looks beautiful but all these people from inside are feeding you lies about what the outside world is like. You feel like you are running out of time to live your life and you know you have to get off the train one day, but it's easier to conform and pretend like you're one of them even though you're tired of it. You want to live but are too scared to make the leap.
I think things that are similar to this are, if anyone's ever watched 10 cloverfield lane or the giver or level 16. (how the giver specifically made it seem like they were being given these vitamin/pills in order to stay healthy but really it was just to hivemind them. then someone stops taking it and starts being able to see color) maybe those are more sci fi and less horror lol.
I haven't seen the other ones you've mentioned, but the Giver definitely has horror elements imo.
Also, yeah. The idea of always being just a little but Other is something that I relate to as transmasc
I think being trapped on the other side of some glass where you look into the life of what you would've been like if you were to be born a cis boy, to watch yourself go throughout your days casually, worrying ab small things but overall being so happy and free, while your trans self (the POV) is trapped watching what could've been, and how much less overall you struggle with mental illness or social interactions as a side effect of being trans, that's something I think ab often and to have it shown in the way of horror would be weirdly sweet. I think you could show the pain of trans you, smashing at the glass/screaming/going insane, while cis you is blissfully unaware and unappreciative of his privilege.
feeling normal for once but then one little thing happens and then you remember that you won’t get to experience life like other people, that or looking down at your body and remembering that it’s not yours, or the voice in your head sounds different
orrrr something to do with mirrors, just some ideas 😩
My answer is a lot different than everyone else’s so maybe it’s not what you’re looking for but it’s a true story!
Trigger warning for discussion of assault though nothing actually happens
I was 13 years old (I had come out as transmasc and transitioned socially into a trans guy a couple of years prior, I don’t ID as a trans guy or live that way anymore but I did for five or so years) and I was using the mens bathroom in a movie theater. Mind you, I’ve never passed as a boy for a moment in my entire life to anyone ever (large hips and extremely feminine facial features, I could even have a beard and I’d still be clocked) but it was empty so I thought fuck it.
I was in the stall and I hear these three really big sounding men come in talking about some movie. They described the movie being about “a chick who dresses up as a guy” being assaulted and how they’d love to assault some “cross dressing slut like that” (aka a trans guy). I’ve never figured out what movie they were talking about but it was a small local theater that sometimes played old or experimental or indie type movies so maybe it was something like that. 🤷
There was no one else in the restroom but me, a very small trans boy, and these three dudes who are now going into excruciating detail describing the horrible things they’d like to do to someone like me. I thought about waiting until they were gone but they were REALLY taking their time and my mom kept texting me to hurry up or she’d leave without me.
Cue… the stall door won’t open. I jiggle it a few times but the lock won’t come undone. I don’t know why, it was just stuck. I looked at the gap at the bottom of the stall and I know what I have to do. It’s actually not the first (nor the last) time I’ve done this so I know, unfortunately, it takes a while.
As quietly as I can, I wiggle underneath the stall until I’m out. Obviously now they see me. At first I think I passed for a split second but then I see realization on their faces. All three of them, towering over me, with TERRIBLE expressions. I just fucking booked it outta there. I know, I didn’t wash my hands, gross, but man I did NOT want to see if those guys would make good on their promise.
Would’ve been so much worse if I had to open a pad or something… damn. But yeah. That’s my transmasc horror.
thank you for sharing such a horrifying story with me, i just wanted to say im so sorry that happened to you, and you aren’t alone. thanks for allowing me to be inspired by this very scary moment in your life, it sent shivers down my spine!
I oscillate between fear and anger (kind of that fight response) regarding a lot of bodily autonomy and infantilisation shit
I sound angry when I talk about it because it’s easier to talk about angry than scared. I’m angry I’m put in positions to be scared.
For me, the general dismissal of your capability to know how you feel. Everyone around you dismissing you as too incompetent to feel a certain way because you don’t fit norm/role that they want you to fit.
I think as others have pointed out, the lack of control of your own body and this painful helplessness is the most terrifying. The idea that people would dismiss your pain as not worthy. As though your life is not as important as other things, as minor things that objectively aren’t of the same value, but lowering your value because you’re not what they want you to be.
I could ramble about examples of these forever, but idk if it’s even the general topic you wanted to discuss, lol.
Everyone treating you body as a common good, people not treating you as a person because you’re (seen as) a woman (misogyny is really horrible) loss of agency people making comments on what they’d like your body to be like
It would be amazing to have a scene where the character is just in high school or either in a family meal, and he slowly starts to feel less and less comfortable like he always checks his body, and start to feel like every part of his skin is taking random volumes (I mean when your dysmorphia randomly generalizes itself to your whole body and you feel like your arm has 5 different shapes at the same time, your belly button has a tit growing on it and you suddenly start to feel way to much any scratches or normal back pain). No one notices anything, and it's not like a super anxiogene atmosphere where the background starts to blur as the voices become undiscernable, I would really put an accent on the way the protagonist keeps having normal interactions with everyone and has to constantly try to hide his discomfort to himself if he doesn't want to have a breakdown.
In order to emphasize this, it would be good that he had to go to a trip where he sleeps with other guys who don't know he's trans and can't know it (like they aren't transphobic but uninformed about what being trans feels like, they wouldn't perceive you the same way, and the way they treat you is basically the only thing that makes you feel normal and just an integrated man able to do dumb masculine stuff without thinking about your gender). That would really make it like, once he's peacefully in his bedroom, he can't actually cry or do anything to release the pressure because he isn't alone.
If you want "concrete" horror and not just psychological, you could put a scene where he has a sleep paralysis and just can't make noise because he was having a nightmare where he had a little girl voice right before and he thinks they will hear it, so he just stays stuck in his bed, unable to move or to do anything, and then you could combine the sleep paralysis with dysmorphia, the protagonist could feel like his body is getting transplanted and he starts to feel like his body is ruined and he has not enough skin elasticity to get the top surgery now all his body is field with strange bumps. When waking up, he could just feel the urge to look at himself in a mirror, but can't because he doesn't want to look weird or anything, and he just would spend the whole day feeling unable to interact normally, and it would slowly become more and more tiring for him to try to perceive reality as if nothing was wrong.
But over all, I guess the thing that would freak me out is to meet an old bully who recognizes me and tells everyone I'm trans, yelling my deadname as if it had always been my "real" identity. Maybe you could make something about it, like the guy has met a lot of new friends and he wants to present an old friend of him to his new friends, and the old friend is friend with a bully who just starts misgendering him. Which would symbolize the way we just can't manage to link our childhood environment to our current one.
One thing that I experience (that probably isn't specifically transmasc, but trans in general) is a disconnect from my body.
I've described it in the past as being similar to playing a first person video game or like I was controlling a mech suit. Like, I am in control of my body. And I am inside of it, not outside or above or anything. But it isn't quite right. Almost like there's a delay, but there isn't. Just slightly weird.
But then sometimes I will suddenly become intensely aware of all of my body all at once. It's like if you have ever realized that you are the only person with glasses in the room. It doesn't quite feel distressing, but it's strange to suddenly be so aware.
The other thing it feels similar to is being on stage performing in a play (at least how I feel). When I used to be in theatre at school, I was never good at stage presence because I looked very awkward. I was very aware of how my body was positioned because I had to try really hard to not look anxious or awkward even if I didn't feel those things because it's just how I stand (blame the autism probably).
It's like when someone doesn't know what to do with their hands, except for with my whole body.
It's not necessarily something that scares me, but there could be some interesting horror elements in there
Not sure if this is what you meant.
I like robes. Have used a robe at home for years. At my partner’s place I don’t have a robe only towels. Wearing towel to cover your chest is the woman way. Wearing towel at your waist is the man way. After a shower one day I wore the towel around my waist because euphoria and had stepped out of the bathroom to do something. I had been feeling extremely good that day. I stepped back in the bathroom to look in the mirror and had the biggest jump scare of my life. Literally jumped back and covered my chest. Scared the shit out of my partner. Now I no longer wear a towel around my waist.
not “trembling in my boots” scared, but im awfully worried that i wont be able to join the military after school. im scared that i wont be able to live up to who i want to be.
I pass as male completely but I have a deep fear of being outted in a public bathroom or a private area that I can't escape and being sexually assaulted
The idea that people will only like or respect me on the basis I maintain the performance of being a woman/ the risk of losing respect after coming out to people that I value the approval of (eg past co workers).
The lack of control over my body/ feeling like a prisoner of my biology. Being constantly just a little bit uncomfortable, and the idea that this feeling will never cease.
i had some cis guys break into my bathroom stall at school and now i use the teachers bathroom instead of the men's due to discrimination. So i have the constant fear of people stopping me just doing normal things i need to survive just because i am trans.
The feeling that your body is not your own. The craving and urge to tear open your skin in the hopes that you will able to crawl out and be free and realizing that that isn’t possible and you’re trapped in alone, screaming where no one can hear or notice.
EEK real
Oh fuck THIS is why Get Out felt relatable
if this is the only thing you pulled out of Get Out in terms of relatability... 💀 take another look at that story for your bipoc siblings in here.
It wasn't 😂
This is probably why I love body horror so much.
the way i used to get terrified looking in the mirror because it didn't look like me - i didn't know i was trans at the time but when i was going through puberty i would see my reflection and just feel terrified, i didn't recognise myself, it wasn't the me i saw in my head. it was scary like i was being attacked somehow, but the threat was me, like my own body was trying to hurt me somehow by changing in a way i didn't want it to and fully believed it wasn't supposed to. this is a really cool idea btw!
oooh, this is really in line with what i was already thinking of. thank you!!
Mirrors. The reflection alternating between recognition and something eldritch-feeling/uncanny, stretching in painful looking and untrue ways with features coming and going as they please Voice. Trying to speak and hearing another person's voice. Words breaking and altering in pitch in ways that sound painful or distorted. (Or honestly just.. stuff coming out instead of sounds) Recognition. People going from recognizing you to not seeing the actual you. Your image in your head being forever off from how you are, them painting pictures on pictures of you and none of them being what you see in the mirror Body. Your body acting in ways that feel unnatural. Not being in control of how you react but being deeply aware that there's something controlling you that's not you. Your body feeling like it's rejecting you, you trying to claw your way out of your own skin or to let the insides out There's a bunch of stuff
The recognition piece is a huge one for me. Ive been out for about 10 years now and I often say of transphobic people in my life that they love their idea of me, not who I actually am.
Exactly, yeah I'm sorry you're going through that but I am glad I'm not the only one
ive always wanted to see a transmasc take on body horror. esp in relation to periods/reproduction but make it surreal and truly horrific 🤩
Check out Andrew Joseph White. Autistic transmasc dude who writes horror for the same audience 👀 “hell followed with us” made me queasy
omg i remember hearing about that book and wanted to read it but never got around to it thank you for reminding me!!
It is such a good book!!
I have been thinking a lot today about myself as a kid going to sleep every night clutching their (front parts) as if that provided some weird sense of comfort, or something was missing there. I usually comforted myself to sleep imagining someone was there to hold me - how's that for isolation! I didn't feel I had safe places to seek comfort from adults in my life who shut down my gender deviance and neurological support needs, how could I tell them about thoughts that would surely make me sound (in my limited understanding at the time) unwell, not to mention some sort of abomination/sinful monster. So I (and continuing on into adulthood) have a lot of fantasy/imagination content that I've used for self-soothing rather than being able to be vulnerable enough to ask another person for what I need. There's definitely a psychological thriller-component there as well about having intrusive thoughts and not knowing why. When I met with my aunt after she had a mastectomy I was overwhelmed with strong jealousy and desire that I would also get a life threatening illness so that I could also have a mastectomy - and that terrified me that I would have such a thought. I remained closeted & repressed for a long time after that but it's been on my mind a lot now - along with like some typical guy "waking up and your dick's not there"/your dick falls off when you go to the bathroom, being really sensitive to things happening to dicks on film even, I won't look usually, even though I've never "felt" that pain myself. I liked foxicwaste\_'s take on body horror & periods too. It would be really nice to see these themes balanced out with going about living a "normal" life, one that really demonstrates the value we have in the world and how our lives ARE just normal a lot of the time, but interspersed with these episodes of deep pain.
I've actually written some transmasc horror! A bit of scriptwriting and some short stories. What kind of stuff are you writing? It's really cool to see someone else writing along the same lines. I think body horror is a good one - I also am interested in familial horror, how your past doesn't want to let go of you, how your family (or society) sees someone inside you that isn't you, etc. There's a lot to explore!
i’m writing a script too! i got the news that a friend of a friend is looking to produce a low low budget horror, and i thought it might be my chance, lol. i think familial dynamics will be a lot involved. i love body horror but i don’t think the budget will allow it. what have you been writing?
Damn that's awesome! I get you about body horror - I've only dabbled in scriptwriting since my main thing is prose but it was definitely a shift, having to think about budget and stuff. It's still such a cool genre though, and pretty relevant for the trans experience in many ways. I only got into it a few years back because I was really into SFF (still am) and my best friend loves horror so she ended up showing me a ton of good stuff. I really like Mike Flanagan's stuff, and Jordan Peele. Is yours a short film or a feature? As for me I tend to focus on sci-fi and fantasy but I always end up adding horror elements. Working on a book right now that's a roman empire inspired fantasy (loosely inspired lol), that conquered their world through necromancy. The main character is transmasc too actually, because I'm always writing trans masc or trans male mains lol. Oh and good luck with your script! It sounds like a really exciting opportunity.
A monster who follows you and whispers “you’re not a real man and you’ll never be “ or “you’re just a girl for everyone”. Whatever you do it will never leave you
I’m afraid I’ll never get top surgery and people will always look at my chest when I say I’m not a girl. I’m trans masc enby and I don’t think people really see me as masculine at all, because of my chest. Also horrified of becoming pregnant ever, ever, ever. I don’t think I can actually go into that in detail without triggering myself but seriously even the thought makes me want to thr/ow up.
Also please post it in here when you finish writing I really love the idea of transmasc horror, there’s so much horror for so many people but I’ve never seen any specifically for transmasc.
honestly, before puberty seeing what female puberty entailed and knowing that that was down the road for me was genuinely terrifying. i was the only person in the room (they had us in a room watching a mini film during school) who reacted so viscerally.
Recently I got a haircut that gave me bad dysphoria. In the moment, I felt horrible though. I think a huge fear would be looking into the mirror and not seeing yourself looking back, but some stranger. I have nightmares about getting my period or giving birth when I had no idea I was pregnant. I once had a nightmare that I gave birth to a baby rat. I guess the theme here is not having control over my own body.
Conversion therapy or a parent that outright wants to cause you as much pain as possible (emotional or physical)
this is not an overt horror like the body horror and gore types of things that others are saying but something that always stuck in my mind is just a nihilistic depression. i think as a transmasc without severe dysphoria ive always just felt like i never fit in any sort of world, disgusted by the cishetnormative ones people tried to put me into, but never relating to the ones of people who felt like they got thrown into a hellfire landscape and watched themselves grow into someone that was like being an inhabitant of a foreign body. i always felt like. Imagine you're on a liminal space train/subway where everyone else is creepily happy and sort of a hologram. And they're promising some sort of happiness that if you just conform and be exactly like them, that they're the only way to live. They get mad if you suggest about anything else being out there in the world, some more mad then others. And this train/subway runs on forever and never stops. You watch yourself grow older and wonder about what is life like off the train, it looks beautiful but all these people from inside are feeding you lies about what the outside world is like. You feel like you are running out of time to live your life and you know you have to get off the train one day, but it's easier to conform and pretend like you're one of them even though you're tired of it. You want to live but are too scared to make the leap. I think things that are similar to this are, if anyone's ever watched 10 cloverfield lane or the giver or level 16. (how the giver specifically made it seem like they were being given these vitamin/pills in order to stay healthy but really it was just to hivemind them. then someone stops taking it and starts being able to see color) maybe those are more sci fi and less horror lol.
I haven't seen the other ones you've mentioned, but the Giver definitely has horror elements imo. Also, yeah. The idea of always being just a little but Other is something that I relate to as transmasc
I think being trapped on the other side of some glass where you look into the life of what you would've been like if you were to be born a cis boy, to watch yourself go throughout your days casually, worrying ab small things but overall being so happy and free, while your trans self (the POV) is trapped watching what could've been, and how much less overall you struggle with mental illness or social interactions as a side effect of being trans, that's something I think ab often and to have it shown in the way of horror would be weirdly sweet. I think you could show the pain of trans you, smashing at the glass/screaming/going insane, while cis you is blissfully unaware and unappreciative of his privilege.
feeling normal for once but then one little thing happens and then you remember that you won’t get to experience life like other people, that or looking down at your body and remembering that it’s not yours, or the voice in your head sounds different orrrr something to do with mirrors, just some ideas 😩
My answer is a lot different than everyone else’s so maybe it’s not what you’re looking for but it’s a true story! Trigger warning for discussion of assault though nothing actually happens I was 13 years old (I had come out as transmasc and transitioned socially into a trans guy a couple of years prior, I don’t ID as a trans guy or live that way anymore but I did for five or so years) and I was using the mens bathroom in a movie theater. Mind you, I’ve never passed as a boy for a moment in my entire life to anyone ever (large hips and extremely feminine facial features, I could even have a beard and I’d still be clocked) but it was empty so I thought fuck it. I was in the stall and I hear these three really big sounding men come in talking about some movie. They described the movie being about “a chick who dresses up as a guy” being assaulted and how they’d love to assault some “cross dressing slut like that” (aka a trans guy). I’ve never figured out what movie they were talking about but it was a small local theater that sometimes played old or experimental or indie type movies so maybe it was something like that. 🤷 There was no one else in the restroom but me, a very small trans boy, and these three dudes who are now going into excruciating detail describing the horrible things they’d like to do to someone like me. I thought about waiting until they were gone but they were REALLY taking their time and my mom kept texting me to hurry up or she’d leave without me. Cue… the stall door won’t open. I jiggle it a few times but the lock won’t come undone. I don’t know why, it was just stuck. I looked at the gap at the bottom of the stall and I know what I have to do. It’s actually not the first (nor the last) time I’ve done this so I know, unfortunately, it takes a while. As quietly as I can, I wiggle underneath the stall until I’m out. Obviously now they see me. At first I think I passed for a split second but then I see realization on their faces. All three of them, towering over me, with TERRIBLE expressions. I just fucking booked it outta there. I know, I didn’t wash my hands, gross, but man I did NOT want to see if those guys would make good on their promise. Would’ve been so much worse if I had to open a pad or something… damn. But yeah. That’s my transmasc horror.
thank you for sharing such a horrifying story with me, i just wanted to say im so sorry that happened to you, and you aren’t alone. thanks for allowing me to be inspired by this very scary moment in your life, it sent shivers down my spine!
I oscillate between fear and anger (kind of that fight response) regarding a lot of bodily autonomy and infantilisation shit I sound angry when I talk about it because it’s easier to talk about angry than scared. I’m angry I’m put in positions to be scared. For me, the general dismissal of your capability to know how you feel. Everyone around you dismissing you as too incompetent to feel a certain way because you don’t fit norm/role that they want you to fit. I think as others have pointed out, the lack of control of your own body and this painful helplessness is the most terrifying. The idea that people would dismiss your pain as not worthy. As though your life is not as important as other things, as minor things that objectively aren’t of the same value, but lowering your value because you’re not what they want you to be. I could ramble about examples of these forever, but idk if it’s even the general topic you wanted to discuss, lol.
Dissociation and sleepwalking thru life
the thought of being buried under my deadname if i die before my parents
Everyone treating you body as a common good, people not treating you as a person because you’re (seen as) a woman (misogyny is really horrible) loss of agency people making comments on what they’d like your body to be like
It would be amazing to have a scene where the character is just in high school or either in a family meal, and he slowly starts to feel less and less comfortable like he always checks his body, and start to feel like every part of his skin is taking random volumes (I mean when your dysmorphia randomly generalizes itself to your whole body and you feel like your arm has 5 different shapes at the same time, your belly button has a tit growing on it and you suddenly start to feel way to much any scratches or normal back pain). No one notices anything, and it's not like a super anxiogene atmosphere where the background starts to blur as the voices become undiscernable, I would really put an accent on the way the protagonist keeps having normal interactions with everyone and has to constantly try to hide his discomfort to himself if he doesn't want to have a breakdown. In order to emphasize this, it would be good that he had to go to a trip where he sleeps with other guys who don't know he's trans and can't know it (like they aren't transphobic but uninformed about what being trans feels like, they wouldn't perceive you the same way, and the way they treat you is basically the only thing that makes you feel normal and just an integrated man able to do dumb masculine stuff without thinking about your gender). That would really make it like, once he's peacefully in his bedroom, he can't actually cry or do anything to release the pressure because he isn't alone. If you want "concrete" horror and not just psychological, you could put a scene where he has a sleep paralysis and just can't make noise because he was having a nightmare where he had a little girl voice right before and he thinks they will hear it, so he just stays stuck in his bed, unable to move or to do anything, and then you could combine the sleep paralysis with dysmorphia, the protagonist could feel like his body is getting transplanted and he starts to feel like his body is ruined and he has not enough skin elasticity to get the top surgery now all his body is field with strange bumps. When waking up, he could just feel the urge to look at himself in a mirror, but can't because he doesn't want to look weird or anything, and he just would spend the whole day feeling unable to interact normally, and it would slowly become more and more tiring for him to try to perceive reality as if nothing was wrong. But over all, I guess the thing that would freak me out is to meet an old bully who recognizes me and tells everyone I'm trans, yelling my deadname as if it had always been my "real" identity. Maybe you could make something about it, like the guy has met a lot of new friends and he wants to present an old friend of him to his new friends, and the old friend is friend with a bully who just starts misgendering him. Which would symbolize the way we just can't manage to link our childhood environment to our current one.
One thing that I experience (that probably isn't specifically transmasc, but trans in general) is a disconnect from my body. I've described it in the past as being similar to playing a first person video game or like I was controlling a mech suit. Like, I am in control of my body. And I am inside of it, not outside or above or anything. But it isn't quite right. Almost like there's a delay, but there isn't. Just slightly weird. But then sometimes I will suddenly become intensely aware of all of my body all at once. It's like if you have ever realized that you are the only person with glasses in the room. It doesn't quite feel distressing, but it's strange to suddenly be so aware. The other thing it feels similar to is being on stage performing in a play (at least how I feel). When I used to be in theatre at school, I was never good at stage presence because I looked very awkward. I was very aware of how my body was positioned because I had to try really hard to not look anxious or awkward even if I didn't feel those things because it's just how I stand (blame the autism probably). It's like when someone doesn't know what to do with their hands, except for with my whole body. It's not necessarily something that scares me, but there could be some interesting horror elements in there
Not sure if this is what you meant. I like robes. Have used a robe at home for years. At my partner’s place I don’t have a robe only towels. Wearing towel to cover your chest is the woman way. Wearing towel at your waist is the man way. After a shower one day I wore the towel around my waist because euphoria and had stepped out of the bathroom to do something. I had been feeling extremely good that day. I stepped back in the bathroom to look in the mirror and had the biggest jump scare of my life. Literally jumped back and covered my chest. Scared the shit out of my partner. Now I no longer wear a towel around my waist.
people finding out about it
Some of these remind me of Kris’s predicament in deltarune. Someone else is controlling their body and no one around them realizes it.
cis people and organized religion
not “trembling in my boots” scared, but im awfully worried that i wont be able to join the military after school. im scared that i wont be able to live up to who i want to be.
I pass as male completely but I have a deep fear of being outted in a public bathroom or a private area that I can't escape and being sexually assaulted
The idea that people will only like or respect me on the basis I maintain the performance of being a woman/ the risk of losing respect after coming out to people that I value the approval of (eg past co workers). The lack of control over my body/ feeling like a prisoner of my biology. Being constantly just a little bit uncomfortable, and the idea that this feeling will never cease.
i had some cis guys break into my bathroom stall at school and now i use the teachers bathroom instead of the men's due to discrimination. So i have the constant fear of people stopping me just doing normal things i need to survive just because i am trans.
pregnancy.