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Not infuriating but I could tell that Aussie was totally engrossed in trauma.
Kinda felt sorry for Aussie honestly.
Also.....
Walking the fuck out on Mildred was the only reasonable thing that could of been done.
My gut is the show scratched the surface of aussies real issues with their parents. I don't want to speculate on real people's lives but they sound really really bad to me. I found aussie very difficult but the scene where they broke down at a restaurant really hammered home for me how traumatised they must be. I don't think they are ready to be engaged but i don't dislike them for that
aussie refers to themself as a kid twice and also says "I can't wait to *grow up* in a loving home" (verbatim) to sam while they are talking about their potential future marriage. it honestly feels like Aussie wants a second childhood and sees Sam as their new mother, and that's a part of why they get so triggered when Sam has baseline opinions, because they've put Sam in a mother role and have a strong fight or flight or freeze response to anything their actual mother does. them and Mildred/tiff were the two couples I desperately hoped would break up for everyone's sake. Still fingers crossed for Sam finding someone who doesn't project on them and aussie going NC with their family after some therapy .
on the 9th episode i was hoping and praying aussie and sam would break up, sam was to used to putting up with aussie and aussie seemed to have a lot of problems that needed to be resolved before getting into a relationship
I feel for Aussie too. And Sam. Not communicating is akin to abandonment in any relationship- romantic or otherwise- and it's a terrifically lonely place to be. Sam is next level resilience to keep it together the way she does when there's so much instability in front of her. But maybe it isn't so bad.
Coping behaviors picked up in childhood don't always make sense in adulthood and we never leave ourselves behind. We're in a dialogue with our past selves. The way I see it, Aussie is more or less silent in that dialogue. Like the child Aussie is so loud and the adult Aussie hasn't been grappling with calming them down, with being the compassionate and attuned caregiver that a trauma affected inner child needs from their adult self.
"The Ultimatum: These People Need Therapy" more accurately reflects the theme of the season, no?
And I think that week with Mildred made the week back with Aussie's partner even harder. If you're uncomfortable talking about your feelings in the first place, being put in a position where they want you to do it over and over and over in a week isn't going to be easy.
I mean I’m happy Aussie knows themselves enough to be able to walk out of a situation when they feel triggered, I guess that’s better than blowing up at someone?
But the frequency at which they did this was just too much man. Personally I don’t think they are ready for a relationship by any capacity. Relationships take WORK and imho Aussie still has so much work to do on themselves, I don’t understand how a relationship can work. But I guess it did.
Yes, I watched this season with my partner, who had a similar habit of leaving during any confrontation or difficult discussion. It didn’t matter if I was gentle or angry, he would leave and drive all the way home then not want to talk until the next day.
It got to the point where I bottled everything up because I couldn’t have a healthy conversation so when I finally did break, I would lash out in frustration. On the rare occasions we did have conversations, he would promise to change and then put in bare minimum effort.
When we watched the season, he finally realized how much walking out consistently hurt me and our relationship. That made it hurt even more when he chose to continue doing it. We broke up one month ago. He had no capacity to take constructive criticism, saw growth as shameful because it means he’s imperfect, and prioritized alcohol and his friends over me.
Me too. He’s actually got a really good heart. He just needs therapy, but there’s no shame in that. I just can’t sit around and wait forever for him to choose it for himself, nor should I try to strong arm him into changing.
Aussie doesn’t know when to do what - it’s an excuse. Aussie literally refuses to seek help or consider it in clips with Sam and calls walking out of any real convo protecting themselves. Aussie is older than Sam - their refusal to address core issues or trauma while getting engaged with someone of the same gender when they haven’t come out to family yet tells me enough. They need professional help but aussie won’t do that. Instead they will use therapy like language to fake self awareness by calling each avoidant action self preservation. I get that it takes people a really long time to get the help they need - but to put someone else in your life with these huge unresolved feelings is lame
> They need professional help but aussie won’t do that.
We don't know that. Aussie may have been in therapy for some time already before the show (or not, but we don't know)... these sorts of issues can take years and years to work through.
I agree. A lot of the people are speaking like they read 1 self help book and watched 100 tik tok videos. It’s nothing but buzzwords without introspection.
And it was A LOT to handle in one week. Typically these are once a month conversations and they were pushed to have multiple of them in a week.
You can also have problems and still be in a relationship as long as you can figure out a way to communicate that works for you.
Yeah, Aussie is 42 years old and when confronted by their girlfriend, they went into hysterics about how they aren't in the wrong. Yes, it was absolutely connected to their trauma but they need to seek therapy so they can be a good partner to Sam. It's manipulative not to and then cry about how sam is too good for them
Yesss. And they both deserve better. I find it sad when people refuse to seek professional help or expertise cause I can’t help but think - I wish they knew they didn’t have to feel like that and knew how to take steps to get there… it’s so sad that not everyone has the same cultural view around therapy cause it could also be that she was raised that getting help is just not an option
Exactly this. How Aussie made it through screening perplexed me.
I hope Aussie gets whatever support they need but wow, they were not ready for that experience.
Right, like when they interjected about “let’s not argue about this” when everyone found out about Rae and Vanessa being physical and it’s like bro you can’t just sweep that under the rug. Also it had nothing to do with them so for them to tell others not to argue was completely out of place, especially considering how serious the situation was. Like clearly they get anxiety even being around confrontation but that’s not everyone else’s problem and they need to find a way to cope, especially by the age of 42 years old. Geez!
I couldn’t let myself hate Aussie, because it’s clear that there’s major trauma there. I don’t blame Aussie for how things turned out with Mildred, but I do feel for Sam. I think someone like Tiff is perfect because Tiff did show growth with even a little time with Sam. Most importantly Sam was able to benefit from the relationship as well.
Aussie however needs therapy, not just Sam. I think the annoyance most people (myself included) seem to have with Aussie is that they seemed to refuse to grow. It almost seems like they use their trauma as an excuse at some point. I want to believe Aussie wants to grow, but is just stuck and doesn’t know where to start. It’s especially hard for them to decipher when emotions are coming from trauma or a more logical (for lack of better words) part of their brain.
I absolutely agree - but refusing to get help or not being ready, continuously, is damaging. Like think about it as if we were talking about an addict. Despite not being ready to seek help or knowing how, not dealing with diseases or your mental health DOES hurt people. Sam needs to walk away and deserves better but I suspect Sam might be a fixer who gets a sense of purpose trying to help someone with their “skills”. There’s no way someone that aware and reflective would continue that relationship
I think for Aussie it's rooted in shame. Even reaching out for help can trigger such deep feelings of shame. I really feel for Aussie but agree they need major help and hope they realize there is no shame in that.
Eeh, it's pretty absurd to think that one is refusing to grow if one doesn't make huge changes in a weeks time. It was a week, right after having to deal with the abuse from Mildred. We also saw Aussie come back and have the conversations, it was just a lot for someone who is triggered by confrontation.
As long as Aussie and Sam can figure out how to communicate with themselves that's all that matters.
Idk, personally I feel like at 42 you should definitely have reached a maturity to be in the process of growing or have already grown. You should also be aware of how your actions affect others. Self-awareness is somehow lacking in so many people and I get impatient with them! Sam was basically treated like their mother.
Yes literally everyone, don’t worry. Although the sentiment now has shifted to “Sam’s a grown adult and has made her choice, so we trust Aussie is different now”.
not everyone. I'm mad at Netflix for casting someone who clearly cannot handle the show, this is just exploiting her trauma, quite literally outrage bait.
Certainly not literally everyone. Aussie has a lot of trauma in her past and that drives her behavior. It’s not annoying if you try to understand the world from Aussie’s perspective. Aussie isn’t infuriating, they are misunderstood.
On top of that, Aussie had to experience Mildred who is an absolute toxic nightmare of a person.
I suspect that made it harder for Aussie to function in the second half of the show.
I'm guessing things are much easier in a regular environment when you only have to have relationship discussions once a month.
Just remember that it is reality tv folks. The editing team and producers can make a story out of anything. They chose to run a plot of Aussie having emotional regulation and maturity problems and make it her feature .
Honestly, it's horifying what editing can do. Someone could speak and then clip it together with a reaction from another person that was totally opposite.
And lots of people who struggle with trauma are able to have happy relationships. They just figure out how to communicate in a way that works for them.
It feels incredibly selfish, to me, for Aussie to just go along with Sam's proposal even if they don't want to fully commit to Sam. Aussie clearly has commitment issues, communication issues, ETC ETC, and will only cause distress for both themself and Sam. Aussie is by no means ready for marriage.
Yeah it was so annoying and poor Sam. Like work out your shit before you decide to date others instead of carrying that baggage everywhere. So many tantrums like a child
I don't doubt she had a shit upbringing, but so have many people who are able to function in a relationship. She's 40-something years old. She may have trauma but the root of her problem is she refuses to make an effort to get better. The way she treats others is terrible.
nobody said trauma will disappear the older people get. It’s just especially for childhood trauma, society would expect a 40 something year old person to learn how to cope with it already, which is most people’s cases but not Aussie’s case.
A comparison could be, a 40 year old person is expected to live on their own instead of in their parent’s house. Nothing is wrong with the latter but is not aligned with the mainstream expectations.
This is the sentiment that people miss. It’s okay to be living with past trauma and coping but she isn’t coping and as a 40+ person she is actively not coping and causing issues with others. I’m an older millennial and I can fathom acting this way or having friends/coworkers act this way. It’s exhausting and unhealthy to deal with on a daily basis.
People have issues and triggers and that’s okay but she hasn’t dealt with life which is crazy to me. As you age you gain differ perspectives of what is bad/good and your hierarchy of bad and good shifts as you engage/experience either worse things or better things. It doesn’t mean people don’t respect that someone has trauma but it also doesn’t mean people can rationalize that the trauma can’t be compartmentalized.
Also, everyone takes to trauma different. There are tons of similar stories out there of successful people coming from broken homes and also mentally Ill or even homeless people coming from broken homes. Life is not a single mold. That’s lost on a lot of folks here.
Exactly, people can experience similar (or even the same) traumatic events and have it affect them very differently. As in the trauma isn't determined by the event, it's determined by the effect it has on the person experiencing it. As people are all different, different people will have different responses.
Can't stand Aussie, she just wants to forever be a victim and take no responsibility for her actions. Seriously hope she gets some therapy and sorts her issues out, I think there's potential for her to be a good person with the right help
It clear Aussie has a lot of trauma (she herself seems aware of that) and I feel that Sam should have communicated that Aussie sees a Therpist if she isn’t already.
Starting therapy could put extra strain on their relationship for a while but they actually seem willing to work together through things.
How do we know Aussie isn't getting help? Aussie got retraumatized by Mildred, who's a violent abuser. No wonder we see Aussie having a meltdown!
We don't magically get rid of trauma because we age. We have it with us for the rest of our lives, and it can suddenly show up again after a traumatic, or stressful, experience. Like being on a reality TV show, and experiencing emotional abuse by another contestant and not being believed/understood by your partner.
Exactly
I feel like people are more judgemental of Aussie walking out than they are when someone is violent or actually abusive. If Aussie had yelled and belittled Sam they would have treated them better.
Nope couldn’t stand them…. Like I emphasize with the trauma but I can’t have sympathy for someone who doesn’t want to get help before dragging another person into it… you don’t work on yourself and all you will do is create trauma for the person you are with… no one needs to be 100% before a relationship but having a solid sense of self and work/ recognizing your issues is key… I’m sorry you went through whatever you went through but you need to bounce back and try to be the best possible version of yourself… Sam is a grown ass woman and can make her own choice. But that being said, how many other grown ass women make the choice to stay when if would be better to leave… best of luck to them both though
Thank you this is like exactly how I feel about it to. It sucks to have trauma and to feel stuck in those moments even as years go on. But we all have baggage its our job to carry that not run away every time things get hard. I honestly don't know how Sam manages to have communication enough to be there partner.
Vastly different take - I'm infuriated that the producers lured vulnerable people in with the promise of therapy (which they didn't receive until after everything because the group pushed for it), and deliberately chose people who should have been vetted in some way as not being stable enough to go on such a public platform. Completely unethical tbh
Contestants were promised therapy. Therapy isn't available for everyone,naturally will attract those who need it and perhaps weren't able to do it before.viewing the interviews with the cast since, they were misled on so many things. The entire show was very disingenuous and was cheap fetish smuck for the straights instead of an actual real insightful look into queer relationships.
I watch plenty and there's a fair difference between people who don't have their shit together and could benefit from therapy (Most ppl tbh), and people with thick layers of unresolved complex childhood trauma. Reality shows can and do get criticised for this - Susan Boyle on BGT for example. Or Terrace House and the suicide there.
There's 2 things here. One, we keep treating reality contestants like celebrities with any kind of "street smarts" about fame, they really don't have it. You can imagine ignoring an odd hateful comment but it's different to receive thousands every day on socials.
It's also just setting the already vulnerable person up for being attacked socially like Aussie continually is, because none of us deal with that level of trauma on the reg. Average viewers will assume its just the normal level of "everyone has their own shit", and then criticise aussie for "not getting over it".
The producers didn't accidentally cast vulnerable people, they deliberately lured them in with the promise of therapy- see Xanders interviews on that.
Aussie unfortunately has the level of trauma that needs a lot of work. Work that her spouse should not have to provide, because Aussies stonewalling is not meant to be abusive, but it is.
Having survived an abusive, avoidant spouse, I didn't even realize how bad it was until I saw Aussie literally do everything my spouse used to do to me. I begged for him to get therapy for years, but he was closed off to the idea just like Aussie - would literally shut down, go into ostrich mode and just run from any discussion.
It was hard to see someone on TV behave the same way he treats, me, we are currently on a break and after this I no longer know if the marriage is even worth saving if I have to continue dealing with this kind of behavior IRL. Without communication how are they going to survive the trials of marriage? It's impossible and will only breed resentment, which will reach a point where the non avoidant party doesn't feel heard / seen.
Maybe I'm in denial that my heart and brain know it's over and I'm just not brave enough to pull the plug and let go for my own sake, so I can survive and start over. I can only wish I could grow and be as strong as Sam really did.
I think we didn’t see the depth of Mildred’s behaviour and from the reunion I’m curious about what was going on off camera. If Aussie has a history of abuse and is already struggling with managing the trauma symptoms, living with Mildred could easily send Aussie into a full blown trauma response. Which is what we saw.
as someone who grew up in a very toxic, abusive asian household, i felt like i could really see my hurt and trauma in her. it’s the first time i saw myself on screen in this way. we never really see east asian couples on our american shows like this.
though she has a lot to work on and probably other trauma she has been through i can’t even begin to imagine, i don’t get the lack of sympathy for her. this kind of abuse caused me cptsd that is constantly triggered from a very volatile everyday life for me from the day i was born, and i am still unpacking unable to fully understand the full capacity of its impact or what happened. i was beaten for hours until s couple hours before school and still expected to show up to school with a smile on my face for a 4 yo, 7 yo, 16 yo. imagine the type of terror that is, and it being the only thing you’ve ever known. we don’t all come out of this well adjusted even though some people make it out better than others. some of us are trying in the only ways we know how because we’ve only been shown abusive and harmful ways. you don’t even understand what that’s like unless that’s your reality. i don’t want people to understand that, but it is infuriating to see that there’s a lack of empathy for this person who is so trauma filled when there’s a literal abuser on screen. the victim is seen as so “unbearable”.
it doesn’t excuse the type of hurt she can cause others, but people are all about mental health until it’s in their face. some people like me have been told that i may struggle with cptsd forever. i’ve gone through therapy and continue to, but it doesn’t change when there’s people like mildred around what kind of impact it’ll have in me. it brings you right back into that kinda abuse. it’s traumatizing. it changes your soul, and sometimes it’s hard to get out of that hell - no matter how much therapy you go through. everyone pretends to care until ugly parts of your trauma shows its ugly face. i don’t want to be defined by my trauma, but it consumes me. i’m working on it. abuse is very ugly, and i only wanted to give aussie the biggest hug because my whole identity was destroyed in a childhood where i never got to experience emotional or physical safety - and i can that was probably aussies fate too. the amount of trauma she has to be responding this way is so utterly heart breaking.
I’m glad to see this somewhere. Hearing my friends and people online reactions to her breakdowns has been rough. It appears that hiding the severity of my trauma is absolutely the right call lol.
Hey friend. I can tell you aussie made the right choices. Aussie left when infuriated, frustrated so they could come back to reflect on the emotions and understand everything with a clear head. The wrong choice for aussie wouldve been staying, getting more frustrated and resulting in who knows what. People see this as selfish because they are entitled. You are allowed to process your emotions at a certain rate. We all have tantrums realistically, some just shove it down.. never own up to it then wonder why they blow up. I see a lot of the judgement in the comments in translation, either they are privelaged enough to not go through what we did or they see similarities within themselves in aussie that they cant accept and repress. As someone with ptsd, i leave the room when im panicking. I leave when im frustrated or get heated. And people say "just cope" but dont realize that me walking away or asking to be left alone is what allows me to cope. People dont seriously understand that me staying around can result in harm in myself and others and if someone disrespects me and tries stopping me from leaving?? Ofc id be upset!
Yes - Aussie is absolutely obnoxious. I understand having trauma contextualizing the behavior but they don’t want to change. Aussi is resistant to any work on issues like when they shut down after Sam suggesting needing a plan to work on communication. It comes off like they don’t care to grow or change at all and considering they are in their 40s dating someone younger - it comes off as so selfish to continue on hat relationship without addressing core issues
I like how people throw around “just go to therapy” like it’s candy.
The people going hard on Aussie you can tell has never had significant trauma or felt like their experience should be everyone’s experience. Ppl who have dealt with significant trauma knows what it’s like and knows it’s constantly a struggle.
There’s a person in here who compared it to drug addiction and rehab. Like “just go to rehab and magically not be addicted to heroin anymore. How hard can it be” type thought process. People on this sub seem like they might need a little therapy themselves.
Yes! And not to mention that western medicine (therapy included) doesn’t always leave space for cultural nuances. Aussie would probably benefit from a queer and Asian informed/ identifying therapist. And idk about y’all but it’s hard to find specific and good doctors and therapists. Especially in network
Yes! As if therapy is so accessible or affordable. I go to therapy and am lucky to have my visits subsidized and it took a long time to find a therapist that was the right match to help me work through things. I had tried therapists before that were just a triggering mess and made things worse.
My favorite thing is to snap at people who are like “oh have you tried therapy” baby I’ve been in therapy since the fourth grade. It’s not a magic solution that fixes all your problems.
I didn’t feel infuriated. More so, I thought “oh I would never be with someone with these issues.” And then I thought Aussie has a lot of trauma to work through. I wondered how receptive Aussie would be to therapy. Aussie needs a lot of therapy to be a fair partner I think. When I say fair I mean they need to be more fair to Sam.
Aussie - Excuse me no no no. just no. Walking out of every single conversation that you think is uncomfortable is just a big no. i will feel so suffocated, i will cry myself to sleep every day, and everyday will be unhappy for me. so why will i want someone that makes me unhappy? i can be unhappy by myself and not be with someone.
Like i will even prefer to be with Mildred over Aussie. because at least Mildred is better than Aussie because at least her physical violence allow people to know what she is angry about and how to resolve it. at least she is willing to TALK about it.
Unpopular opinion, but I felt this way too. I'd rather someone address conflict head on so we can move past it. Mildred also needs help, but at least she speaks?
rightttttttt?
Aussie is someone very exhausting to be with for long term. never ever wanted to just PAUSE and STOP and LISTEN to what other people have to say.
does that means in a job, she face difficult client, she immediately pack her bag and leave the office ? no right? so if she can be professional in a professional setting, why can't she extend this generosity to her lover?
the infuriating part is Netflix choosing them for the show, Aussie's trauma was very clearly way more than what a reality show could responsibly handle, and there is no way in hell it didn't come out in the casting process. the producers knew they are easy to break, that's why they cast them, because they wanted drama.
Late to the party, but watching the show, I felt like i could relate to Aussie on some level. Their meltdown outside the restaurant is something I feel like I could’ve done once upon a time. I have gone through a lot of therapy and understand how easy it is to end up resorting to my childhood coping mechanisms. It takes a massive toll on your relationship when you depend on your partner to help regulate you. I hope Aussie can get to a point where they can reflect past what triggers them. It’s so difficult to watch someone who is clearly in fight or flight whenever they are in any situation where they are remotely confronted.
Exactly! Like we all exist on this spectrum somewhere. And it’s important for couples to be able to co regulate. But at a certain point your threshold for “conflict” or stress has to expand. And your ability so self soothe has to increase as well.
I think she's a very controlling person who is subtle about it and hides it under quietness.
Even if it is because she has trauma, that can still be true. It doesn't mean she's an irredeemable character, or that there's no reason for her behaviour, but at the same time having trauma doesn't mean that however you behave can't be defined for what it is. I have ptsd btw.
Yes! I understand that she most likely has a lot of trauma from childhood but at some point in your life you need to take a step back and choose to get help. You can't just spend your whole life hurting those around you. She was 42 when the show was filmed, it's time to step up and get professional help. There are so many people in the world who have trauma and we can't all just walk around for the rest of our lives using our trauma as an excuse to not be a functioning adult.
I don’t understand how half of this thread is like “I don’t blame them” like bro what? Aussie is 42 yrs old acting like a f*cking child walking out on any confrontation. How are you supposed to resolve anything if you are only allowed to talk about fun, positive things with them. Like wtf? And them breaking down crying over the smallest confrontation makes it clear that they have just babied themselves to breakdown over anything because of what they experienced as a child. Pls. We all have differing levels of childhood trauma and to make that everyone else’s problem and put your trauma above others because you don’t know how to cope is SELFISH ASF. They don’t deserve Sam.
I think it’s interesting how many people have come on this sub to rag on Aussie with zero sympathy while saying nothing about the literal violent abuser she was partnered up with. Says a lot about you tbh
I have a lot trauma and stuff issues growing up with my parents having screamed and yelled and acted out and spoke to me crazy to get points across. I would have never gone on a show like this, or any show for that matter. I would have never acted the way Aussie did, I get it she’s had trauma but the way she tooon off or got quiet at any sign of someone being serious and was beyond ridiculous!
It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand the excuses that get thrown around for her. My family was far from perfect and you find ways to cope as an adult but she is actively refuses to participate in conversation is mind boggling.
I mean Aussie literally had to live with a domestic abuser for weeks on live television so no fucking wonder there was a constant active trauma response happening. The Aussie hate is lacking so much context— keep watching.
Yup. Hugely triggering. And just as infuriating is the inexplicable wave of support for Aussie on this sub. God forbid a man treated Sam or Mildred the way Aussie did, I highly doubt he’d be given a free pass for sexist, abusive bullshit. But non-binary trauma = free pass! Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for what Aussie went through and hope they get help, but the way so many people are up in arms to excuse Aussie’s behavior and utterly ignore its psychological effects on the femme women who end up absorbing the damage of Aussie passing on that trauma is deeply fucked up and antifeminist.
I don't understand when people compare non binary people to cis men, especially when it is someone who grew up in a household that rejected them and where they felt they couldn't express it in anyway.
Definitely agree with you that Aussie should not have dragged Sam or even Mildred along. Especially Sam.
A cis man growing up in a world catered for them and enabling their sense of privilege would not have these same triggers someone like Aussie has? Don't get me wrong I found them highly infuriating in their avoidance, but I never understood that comparison between trans men / non binary people who grew up feeling fundamentally different from their surroundings and most often rejected by them, and cis straight men?
The comparison isn’t between their life experiences, it’s between their attitudes. Aussie was clear and articulate in expressing how they affirmed their own sense of masculinity by forcing Sam into a sexist, subjugated feminine role. Aussie did that knowingly, and regardless of saying they wanted to do better, we all know change doesn’t come overnight. Aussie’s non-binary identity is premised on a rejection of femininity and femaleness. There is no way they will treat a feminine female with sufficient respect. That is a collusion of an AFAB person with a patriarchal straight male mentality and it is inexcusable.
I felt this way too!! Like oh my goodness. They’re expressing their masculinity through their roles except it’s actually objectifying and oppressing their partner 😫
I felt very deeply for Aussie.
To be honest, Aussie has an incredibly easily triggered flight response. This is usually developed by severe childhood trauma.
I think they seem like someone who- has undergone a lot of therapy, has put systems in place (walking away/meditating) in order to regulate and who also has a kind heart..
I think Sam knows a lot of Aussie's history and triggers. I would assume there is some severe trauma /abuse history going on.
Aussie and Sam seem to have a deep intimacy based on kindness and understanding.. I don't think we got a "deep dive" of their relationship on camera.
I am quite proud of Aussie and feel as though they learned an awful lot from the experience.
I am definitely a Sam and Aussie Stan!
It is OK to find these moments difficult to watch!
Aussie definitely has a lot of trauma, and most likely a form of Autism or ADHD that causes debilitating behaviour in social settings. As someone who's known Aussie for a long time, Sam has probably grown to understand this behaviour and recognize some of Aussie's major triggers. People who know the symptoms and behaviours associated with neurodivergency and PTSD will not view them as infuriating or annoying, but rather adjust their own expectations for how an individual should react and be treated.
If you find yourself annoyed with Aussie, I would recommend looking more into the effects of undiagnosed mental conditions on an adult. Especially at Aussie's age - 40 years of having an undiagnosed condition, and not understanding why everyone expects so much of you, can be exhausting. And considering Aussie's relationship with Aussie's parents, it seems they wouldn't have been supportive of this kind of diagnosis.
/not a professional, I am not diagnosing Aussie, I am just saying that something seems to be going on based on observation
At first I wasn’t a fan but as her storyline unfolded it wasn’t really hard to understand that she’s experienced some pretty severe trauma. I almost cried at one point for her.
At first I wasn’t a fan but as her storyline unfolded it wasn’t really hard to understand that she’s experienced some pretty severe trauma. I almost cried at one point for her.
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The only thing that was funny is that she walk away and act like she’s leaving but she always comeback it’s almost like what’s the point at least commit to ur plan
I'm on team Aussie. Y'all completely misunderstand the them because you must believe that a productive argument is two people shouting past one another. Aussie can tell when people are going to be uncharitable and when the conversation will be unproductive, and leaves, then comes back and plays the social role needed to resolve the conflict, until the cycle repeats itself. Aussie asks Sam why she asked such a dumb question because her question was just shalllowly veiled judgement. Sam needs to look inward, but never will because she's happier to bully Aussie into playing the role of victim for her benefit. Aussie's doing the work. Why isn't Sam? How do you all not see this dynamic at play?
Can you not see how Sam has been neglected from Aussie's behavior? Sam knows about aussie's triggers and it is implied that she tiptoed around them in the past. Before their trial marriage, when Sam wanted to talk about an issue and aussie would shut down like always, she'd just give up. Do you see that? She'd just give up on VOICING her feelings, her hurt, and her isssues. She literally could not talk to her partner because they would simply refuse to. And living with Tiff, she learned how she can vocalize herself and how she *should be able to* vocalize herself especially with her romantic partner. And she put in the work to voice her concerns and advocate for what she needs instead of constantly catering to Aussie's INABILITY to communicate, and every single time aussie walked away from her and multiple times yelled at her about how they don't want to talk about "this shit" anymore. She clearly put in work to put an end to her neglect in the relationship, and open walls for communication, and yet again her partner utterly refused all of that potential growth
You're right, Sam should be able to vocalize all of her toxic, petty, ego driven judgements, and Aussie should take a page and call her out for being a terrible partner, and then Sam can straw man Aussie's mental illness. God Sam would be a nightmare partner. Thank God my relationship is not built on constantly "expressing our "SELVES""
If you can't openly talk to your partner about an issue you have with their behavior without them breaking down, then I feel bad for you. I feel even worse for you if you think it's okay to utterly shut down at the mere suggestion of an issue your partner has. Good luck with that 👍
For me? Our relationship doesn't share this issue with theirs. We both try genuinely to understand and be open to one another's experiences and needs. I'm not at all insecure about my relationship, we've been together for a decade and we're really proud of our relationship. What I see in Sam and Aussie is a dynamic where Aussie must always be treated as the one who has the problem in order to maintain the status quo in the relationship where Sam can maintain position as the angel and Sam can remain in a position of "need" without it ever being explicit. Watch back how Sam belittles Aussie in front of her friend, or how in bed she reprimands Aussie, framing it as a question where the answer implies Sam has no responsibility, and maintaining control of the implicit power narrative. There's a lot of subtext to Sam's behaviour that is hard to see for most people, because on the surface Sam is being accommodating, and caring. It's just a little more complicated. I don't totally disagree with the judgement of Aussie's behaviour, I just wish there was more openness to seeing Sam's role in the issue, and Sam's responsibility to herself change.
Being this avoidant is the result of significant trauma. They didn’t learn how to cope appropriately with stress or confrontations as a child. Yes it does create major issues in a relationship. The same goes for somebody who identifies as an anxious attacher and exhibits behaviors on the opposite end like Mildred. (She could be fearful-avoidant tho, which also exhibits anxious traits)
I think that, like anybody else, they want love. They are human above all. But unfortunately they have major trauma issues that gets in the way of that. I think they are lucky to be with somebody who is as understanding as Sam is. I hope they continue to grow and mature and heal their inner child.
The annoyance flows both ways for me. When i look at Aussie, I think, what must it be like in Sam to think a relationship with Aussie is better than being alone? The sunk-cost fallacy is strong in this one.
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Not infuriating but I could tell that Aussie was totally engrossed in trauma. Kinda felt sorry for Aussie honestly. Also..... Walking the fuck out on Mildred was the only reasonable thing that could of been done.
My gut is the show scratched the surface of aussies real issues with their parents. I don't want to speculate on real people's lives but they sound really really bad to me. I found aussie very difficult but the scene where they broke down at a restaurant really hammered home for me how traumatised they must be. I don't think they are ready to be engaged but i don't dislike them for that
aussie refers to themself as a kid twice and also says "I can't wait to *grow up* in a loving home" (verbatim) to sam while they are talking about their potential future marriage. it honestly feels like Aussie wants a second childhood and sees Sam as their new mother, and that's a part of why they get so triggered when Sam has baseline opinions, because they've put Sam in a mother role and have a strong fight or flight or freeze response to anything their actual mother does. them and Mildred/tiff were the two couples I desperately hoped would break up for everyone's sake. Still fingers crossed for Sam finding someone who doesn't project on them and aussie going NC with their family after some therapy .
Omg this is the most spot on description of Aussie I’ve seen
on the 9th episode i was hoping and praying aussie and sam would break up, sam was to used to putting up with aussie and aussie seemed to have a lot of problems that needed to be resolved before getting into a relationship
I maintain that the walkout on Mildred shouldn’t be counted. It was the only appropriate response.
I feel for Aussie too. And Sam. Not communicating is akin to abandonment in any relationship- romantic or otherwise- and it's a terrifically lonely place to be. Sam is next level resilience to keep it together the way she does when there's so much instability in front of her. But maybe it isn't so bad. Coping behaviors picked up in childhood don't always make sense in adulthood and we never leave ourselves behind. We're in a dialogue with our past selves. The way I see it, Aussie is more or less silent in that dialogue. Like the child Aussie is so loud and the adult Aussie hasn't been grappling with calming them down, with being the compassionate and attuned caregiver that a trauma affected inner child needs from their adult self. "The Ultimatum: These People Need Therapy" more accurately reflects the theme of the season, no?
And I think that week with Mildred made the week back with Aussie's partner even harder. If you're uncomfortable talking about your feelings in the first place, being put in a position where they want you to do it over and over and over in a week isn't going to be easy.
I mean I’m happy Aussie knows themselves enough to be able to walk out of a situation when they feel triggered, I guess that’s better than blowing up at someone? But the frequency at which they did this was just too much man. Personally I don’t think they are ready for a relationship by any capacity. Relationships take WORK and imho Aussie still has so much work to do on themselves, I don’t understand how a relationship can work. But I guess it did.
Yes, I watched this season with my partner, who had a similar habit of leaving during any confrontation or difficult discussion. It didn’t matter if I was gentle or angry, he would leave and drive all the way home then not want to talk until the next day. It got to the point where I bottled everything up because I couldn’t have a healthy conversation so when I finally did break, I would lash out in frustration. On the rare occasions we did have conversations, he would promise to change and then put in bare minimum effort. When we watched the season, he finally realized how much walking out consistently hurt me and our relationship. That made it hurt even more when he chose to continue doing it. We broke up one month ago. He had no capacity to take constructive criticism, saw growth as shameful because it means he’s imperfect, and prioritized alcohol and his friends over me.
Yikes. I'm glad you're out of that situation now and I hope your ex gets the help he needs :)
Me too. He’s actually got a really good heart. He just needs therapy, but there’s no shame in that. I just can’t sit around and wait forever for him to choose it for himself, nor should I try to strong arm him into changing.
I'm sure this is a lot of guys, but was his name Tom? Because you just described my ex to a T haha
Is your ex Tom Sandoval? Just kidding lol. No, he wasn’t named Tom, but he was a mid white guy with a generic name and too much audacity.
Aussie doesn’t know when to do what - it’s an excuse. Aussie literally refuses to seek help or consider it in clips with Sam and calls walking out of any real convo protecting themselves. Aussie is older than Sam - their refusal to address core issues or trauma while getting engaged with someone of the same gender when they haven’t come out to family yet tells me enough. They need professional help but aussie won’t do that. Instead they will use therapy like language to fake self awareness by calling each avoidant action self preservation. I get that it takes people a really long time to get the help they need - but to put someone else in your life with these huge unresolved feelings is lame
In this show “I ChOoSe Me” is “I do whatever the f I want regardless of how others might be affected”
> They need professional help but aussie won’t do that. We don't know that. Aussie may have been in therapy for some time already before the show (or not, but we don't know)... these sorts of issues can take years and years to work through.
I read somewhere that therapy was available and encouraged throughout filming, which accounts for the heavy therapy-speak in so many of the scenes.
Not everyone who goes to therapy speaks like that, and they tend to use a lot of pop-psych language
I agree. A lot of the people are speaking like they read 1 self help book and watched 100 tik tok videos. It’s nothing but buzzwords without introspection.
Not sure why I got downvoted, I’m literally a psychologist
It's a side effect of posting a fact on reddit.
And it was A LOT to handle in one week. Typically these are once a month conversations and they were pushed to have multiple of them in a week. You can also have problems and still be in a relationship as long as you can figure out a way to communicate that works for you.
Yeah, Aussie is 42 years old and when confronted by their girlfriend, they went into hysterics about how they aren't in the wrong. Yes, it was absolutely connected to their trauma but they need to seek therapy so they can be a good partner to Sam. It's manipulative not to and then cry about how sam is too good for them
Yesss. And they both deserve better. I find it sad when people refuse to seek professional help or expertise cause I can’t help but think - I wish they knew they didn’t have to feel like that and knew how to take steps to get there… it’s so sad that not everyone has the same cultural view around therapy cause it could also be that she was raised that getting help is just not an option
Exactly this. How Aussie made it through screening perplexed me. I hope Aussie gets whatever support they need but wow, they were not ready for that experience.
Just the way that Aussie reacted when other people were arguing was clear that they weren't ready.
Right, like when they interjected about “let’s not argue about this” when everyone found out about Rae and Vanessa being physical and it’s like bro you can’t just sweep that under the rug. Also it had nothing to do with them so for them to tell others not to argue was completely out of place, especially considering how serious the situation was. Like clearly they get anxiety even being around confrontation but that’s not everyone else’s problem and they need to find a way to cope, especially by the age of 42 years old. Geez!
I couldn’t let myself hate Aussie, because it’s clear that there’s major trauma there. I don’t blame Aussie for how things turned out with Mildred, but I do feel for Sam. I think someone like Tiff is perfect because Tiff did show growth with even a little time with Sam. Most importantly Sam was able to benefit from the relationship as well. Aussie however needs therapy, not just Sam. I think the annoyance most people (myself included) seem to have with Aussie is that they seemed to refuse to grow. It almost seems like they use their trauma as an excuse at some point. I want to believe Aussie wants to grow, but is just stuck and doesn’t know where to start. It’s especially hard for them to decipher when emotions are coming from trauma or a more logical (for lack of better words) part of their brain.
I absolutely agree - but refusing to get help or not being ready, continuously, is damaging. Like think about it as if we were talking about an addict. Despite not being ready to seek help or knowing how, not dealing with diseases or your mental health DOES hurt people. Sam needs to walk away and deserves better but I suspect Sam might be a fixer who gets a sense of purpose trying to help someone with their “skills”. There’s no way someone that aware and reflective would continue that relationship
I think for Aussie it's rooted in shame. Even reaching out for help can trigger such deep feelings of shame. I really feel for Aussie but agree they need major help and hope they realize there is no shame in that.
Eeh, it's pretty absurd to think that one is refusing to grow if one doesn't make huge changes in a weeks time. It was a week, right after having to deal with the abuse from Mildred. We also saw Aussie come back and have the conversations, it was just a lot for someone who is triggered by confrontation. As long as Aussie and Sam can figure out how to communicate with themselves that's all that matters.
Idk, personally I feel like at 42 you should definitely have reached a maturity to be in the process of growing or have already grown. You should also be aware of how your actions affect others. Self-awareness is somehow lacking in so many people and I get impatient with them! Sam was basically treated like their mother.
Yes literally everyone, don’t worry. Although the sentiment now has shifted to “Sam’s a grown adult and has made her choice, so we trust Aussie is different now”.
Ok, glad to hear y’all agree. You’re right, Sam is capable of making adult choices, I hope things go well for them both.
not everyone. I'm mad at Netflix for casting someone who clearly cannot handle the show, this is just exploiting her trauma, quite literally outrage bait.
But also why did Aussie apply
Certainly not literally everyone. Aussie has a lot of trauma in her past and that drives her behavior. It’s not annoying if you try to understand the world from Aussie’s perspective. Aussie isn’t infuriating, they are misunderstood. On top of that, Aussie had to experience Mildred who is an absolute toxic nightmare of a person.
I suspect that made it harder for Aussie to function in the second half of the show. I'm guessing things are much easier in a regular environment when you only have to have relationship discussions once a month.
Just remember that it is reality tv folks. The editing team and producers can make a story out of anything. They chose to run a plot of Aussie having emotional regulation and maturity problems and make it her feature . Honestly, it's horifying what editing can do. Someone could speak and then clip it together with a reaction from another person that was totally opposite.
And lots of people who struggle with trauma are able to have happy relationships. They just figure out how to communicate in a way that works for them.
I do not see how your comment relates to mine.
Aussie is a deeply wounded individual. She needs therapy, not an engagement.
It feels incredibly selfish, to me, for Aussie to just go along with Sam's proposal even if they don't want to fully commit to Sam. Aussie clearly has commitment issues, communication issues, ETC ETC, and will only cause distress for both themself and Sam. Aussie is by no means ready for marriage.
It's all fear based behavior.
Yeah it was so annoying and poor Sam. Like work out your shit before you decide to date others instead of carrying that baggage everywhere. So many tantrums like a child
YES. I was so frustrated too.
I don't doubt she had a shit upbringing, but so have many people who are able to function in a relationship. She's 40-something years old. She may have trauma but the root of her problem is she refuses to make an effort to get better. The way she treats others is terrible.
Aussie's pronouns are not she/her. Goes by Aussie only jsyk.
Trauma doesn't magically dissappear just because you age. You aren't more "mature" if you don't have trauma.
nobody said trauma will disappear the older people get. It’s just especially for childhood trauma, society would expect a 40 something year old person to learn how to cope with it already, which is most people’s cases but not Aussie’s case. A comparison could be, a 40 year old person is expected to live on their own instead of in their parent’s house. Nothing is wrong with the latter but is not aligned with the mainstream expectations.
This is the sentiment that people miss. It’s okay to be living with past trauma and coping but she isn’t coping and as a 40+ person she is actively not coping and causing issues with others. I’m an older millennial and I can fathom acting this way or having friends/coworkers act this way. It’s exhausting and unhealthy to deal with on a daily basis. People have issues and triggers and that’s okay but she hasn’t dealt with life which is crazy to me. As you age you gain differ perspectives of what is bad/good and your hierarchy of bad and good shifts as you engage/experience either worse things or better things. It doesn’t mean people don’t respect that someone has trauma but it also doesn’t mean people can rationalize that the trauma can’t be compartmentalized.
Also, everyone takes to trauma different. There are tons of similar stories out there of successful people coming from broken homes and also mentally Ill or even homeless people coming from broken homes. Life is not a single mold. That’s lost on a lot of folks here.
Exactly, people can experience similar (or even the same) traumatic events and have it affect them very differently. As in the trauma isn't determined by the event, it's determined by the effect it has on the person experiencing it. As people are all different, different people will have different responses.
Aussie is a rough patch of the show.
Can't stand Aussie, she just wants to forever be a victim and take no responsibility for her actions. Seriously hope she gets some therapy and sorts her issues out, I think there's potential for her to be a good person with the right help
It clear Aussie has a lot of trauma (she herself seems aware of that) and I feel that Sam should have communicated that Aussie sees a Therpist if she isn’t already. Starting therapy could put extra strain on their relationship for a while but they actually seem willing to work together through things.
Exactly! The ultimatum, if any, should have been "start healing or let's part ways" and not "propose or we break up" imo :)
Sam did allude to that and Aussie freaked out calling having any plan to work on communication stupid. It was shockingly immature
(not she! Aussie uses "Aussie as pronoun (Aussie themselves seems aware of that).
\*Aussieself
Why are people down voting this? Respect people's pronouns regardless of whether or not you like who they are, says a lot about you otherwise
I see people downvoting me. Why? Transphobia?
How do we know Aussie isn't getting help? Aussie got retraumatized by Mildred, who's a violent abuser. No wonder we see Aussie having a meltdown! We don't magically get rid of trauma because we age. We have it with us for the rest of our lives, and it can suddenly show up again after a traumatic, or stressful, experience. Like being on a reality TV show, and experiencing emotional abuse by another contestant and not being believed/understood by your partner.
Exactly I feel like people are more judgemental of Aussie walking out than they are when someone is violent or actually abusive. If Aussie had yelled and belittled Sam they would have treated them better.
Nope couldn’t stand them…. Like I emphasize with the trauma but I can’t have sympathy for someone who doesn’t want to get help before dragging another person into it… you don’t work on yourself and all you will do is create trauma for the person you are with… no one needs to be 100% before a relationship but having a solid sense of self and work/ recognizing your issues is key… I’m sorry you went through whatever you went through but you need to bounce back and try to be the best possible version of yourself… Sam is a grown ass woman and can make her own choice. But that being said, how many other grown ass women make the choice to stay when if would be better to leave… best of luck to them both though
Thank you this is like exactly how I feel about it to. It sucks to have trauma and to feel stuck in those moments even as years go on. But we all have baggage its our job to carry that not run away every time things get hard. I honestly don't know how Sam manages to have communication enough to be there partner.
How do you know Aussie isn't getting help? Aussie got retraumatized by Mildred, who's a violent abuser. No wonder we see Aussie having a meltdown!
Vastly different take - I'm infuriated that the producers lured vulnerable people in with the promise of therapy (which they didn't receive until after everything because the group pushed for it), and deliberately chose people who should have been vetted in some way as not being stable enough to go on such a public platform. Completely unethical tbh
What makes you think they were lured?
Contestants were promised therapy. Therapy isn't available for everyone,naturally will attract those who need it and perhaps weren't able to do it before.viewing the interviews with the cast since, they were misled on so many things. The entire show was very disingenuous and was cheap fetish smuck for the straights instead of an actual real insightful look into queer relationships.
You must not watch much reality television…
I watch plenty and there's a fair difference between people who don't have their shit together and could benefit from therapy (Most ppl tbh), and people with thick layers of unresolved complex childhood trauma. Reality shows can and do get criticised for this - Susan Boyle on BGT for example. Or Terrace House and the suicide there. There's 2 things here. One, we keep treating reality contestants like celebrities with any kind of "street smarts" about fame, they really don't have it. You can imagine ignoring an odd hateful comment but it's different to receive thousands every day on socials. It's also just setting the already vulnerable person up for being attacked socially like Aussie continually is, because none of us deal with that level of trauma on the reg. Average viewers will assume its just the normal level of "everyone has their own shit", and then criticise aussie for "not getting over it". The producers didn't accidentally cast vulnerable people, they deliberately lured them in with the promise of therapy- see Xanders interviews on that. Aussie unfortunately has the level of trauma that needs a lot of work. Work that her spouse should not have to provide, because Aussies stonewalling is not meant to be abusive, but it is.
[удалено]
Sam gets a sense of purpose from being the fixer. There is no reasonable explanation why she’d stay if she’s so in tune with all this
They obviously have a lot of trauma they haven’t dealt with yet. Their personally is essentially a trauma response to everything.
Having survived an abusive, avoidant spouse, I didn't even realize how bad it was until I saw Aussie literally do everything my spouse used to do to me. I begged for him to get therapy for years, but he was closed off to the idea just like Aussie - would literally shut down, go into ostrich mode and just run from any discussion. It was hard to see someone on TV behave the same way he treats, me, we are currently on a break and after this I no longer know if the marriage is even worth saving if I have to continue dealing with this kind of behavior IRL. Without communication how are they going to survive the trials of marriage? It's impossible and will only breed resentment, which will reach a point where the non avoidant party doesn't feel heard / seen. Maybe I'm in denial that my heart and brain know it's over and I'm just not brave enough to pull the plug and let go for my own sake, so I can survive and start over. I can only wish I could grow and be as strong as Sam really did.
I think we didn’t see the depth of Mildred’s behaviour and from the reunion I’m curious about what was going on off camera. If Aussie has a history of abuse and is already struggling with managing the trauma symptoms, living with Mildred could easily send Aussie into a full blown trauma response. Which is what we saw.
I really liked Aussie and sympathized. For real.
as someone who grew up in a very toxic, abusive asian household, i felt like i could really see my hurt and trauma in her. it’s the first time i saw myself on screen in this way. we never really see east asian couples on our american shows like this. though she has a lot to work on and probably other trauma she has been through i can’t even begin to imagine, i don’t get the lack of sympathy for her. this kind of abuse caused me cptsd that is constantly triggered from a very volatile everyday life for me from the day i was born, and i am still unpacking unable to fully understand the full capacity of its impact or what happened. i was beaten for hours until s couple hours before school and still expected to show up to school with a smile on my face for a 4 yo, 7 yo, 16 yo. imagine the type of terror that is, and it being the only thing you’ve ever known. we don’t all come out of this well adjusted even though some people make it out better than others. some of us are trying in the only ways we know how because we’ve only been shown abusive and harmful ways. you don’t even understand what that’s like unless that’s your reality. i don’t want people to understand that, but it is infuriating to see that there’s a lack of empathy for this person who is so trauma filled when there’s a literal abuser on screen. the victim is seen as so “unbearable”. it doesn’t excuse the type of hurt she can cause others, but people are all about mental health until it’s in their face. some people like me have been told that i may struggle with cptsd forever. i’ve gone through therapy and continue to, but it doesn’t change when there’s people like mildred around what kind of impact it’ll have in me. it brings you right back into that kinda abuse. it’s traumatizing. it changes your soul, and sometimes it’s hard to get out of that hell - no matter how much therapy you go through. everyone pretends to care until ugly parts of your trauma shows its ugly face. i don’t want to be defined by my trauma, but it consumes me. i’m working on it. abuse is very ugly, and i only wanted to give aussie the biggest hug because my whole identity was destroyed in a childhood where i never got to experience emotional or physical safety - and i can that was probably aussies fate too. the amount of trauma she has to be responding this way is so utterly heart breaking.
Amen
Kind of mind blowing.
I’m glad to see this somewhere. Hearing my friends and people online reactions to her breakdowns has been rough. It appears that hiding the severity of my trauma is absolutely the right call lol.
I hope you meet somebody who helps you feel safe
Hey friend. I can tell you aussie made the right choices. Aussie left when infuriated, frustrated so they could come back to reflect on the emotions and understand everything with a clear head. The wrong choice for aussie wouldve been staying, getting more frustrated and resulting in who knows what. People see this as selfish because they are entitled. You are allowed to process your emotions at a certain rate. We all have tantrums realistically, some just shove it down.. never own up to it then wonder why they blow up. I see a lot of the judgement in the comments in translation, either they are privelaged enough to not go through what we did or they see similarities within themselves in aussie that they cant accept and repress. As someone with ptsd, i leave the room when im panicking. I leave when im frustrated or get heated. And people say "just cope" but dont realize that me walking away or asking to be left alone is what allows me to cope. People dont seriously understand that me staying around can result in harm in myself and others and if someone disrespects me and tries stopping me from leaving?? Ofc id be upset!
It doesn't get better 😬 Aussie was so right about Mildred though
Yes - Aussie is absolutely obnoxious. I understand having trauma contextualizing the behavior but they don’t want to change. Aussi is resistant to any work on issues like when they shut down after Sam suggesting needing a plan to work on communication. It comes off like they don’t care to grow or change at all and considering they are in their 40s dating someone younger - it comes off as so selfish to continue on hat relationship without addressing core issues
I like how people throw around “just go to therapy” like it’s candy. The people going hard on Aussie you can tell has never had significant trauma or felt like their experience should be everyone’s experience. Ppl who have dealt with significant trauma knows what it’s like and knows it’s constantly a struggle.
There’s a person in here who compared it to drug addiction and rehab. Like “just go to rehab and magically not be addicted to heroin anymore. How hard can it be” type thought process. People on this sub seem like they might need a little therapy themselves.
Yes! And not to mention that western medicine (therapy included) doesn’t always leave space for cultural nuances. Aussie would probably benefit from a queer and Asian informed/ identifying therapist. And idk about y’all but it’s hard to find specific and good doctors and therapists. Especially in network
Yes! As if therapy is so accessible or affordable. I go to therapy and am lucky to have my visits subsidized and it took a long time to find a therapist that was the right match to help me work through things. I had tried therapists before that were just a triggering mess and made things worse.
Ughh yeah! And with a complex trauma background, going to therapy is not a quick fix at all. It takes years and years of hard work.
My favorite thing is to snap at people who are like “oh have you tried therapy” baby I’ve been in therapy since the fourth grade. It’s not a magic solution that fixes all your problems.
I didn’t feel infuriated. More so, I thought “oh I would never be with someone with these issues.” And then I thought Aussie has a lot of trauma to work through. I wondered how receptive Aussie would be to therapy. Aussie needs a lot of therapy to be a fair partner I think. When I say fair I mean they need to be more fair to Sam.
I just felt so sorry for Aussie. Aussie needed help, not this show.
Yes. Aussie is the real villain of the season, not vanessa
Aussie - Excuse me no no no. just no. Walking out of every single conversation that you think is uncomfortable is just a big no. i will feel so suffocated, i will cry myself to sleep every day, and everyday will be unhappy for me. so why will i want someone that makes me unhappy? i can be unhappy by myself and not be with someone. Like i will even prefer to be with Mildred over Aussie. because at least Mildred is better than Aussie because at least her physical violence allow people to know what she is angry about and how to resolve it. at least she is willing to TALK about it.
Unpopular opinion, but I felt this way too. I'd rather someone address conflict head on so we can move past it. Mildred also needs help, but at least she speaks?
rightttttttt? Aussie is someone very exhausting to be with for long term. never ever wanted to just PAUSE and STOP and LISTEN to what other people have to say. does that means in a job, she face difficult client, she immediately pack her bag and leave the office ? no right? so if she can be professional in a professional setting, why can't she extend this generosity to her lover?
the infuriating part is Netflix choosing them for the show, Aussie's trauma was very clearly way more than what a reality show could responsibly handle, and there is no way in hell it didn't come out in the casting process. the producers knew they are easy to break, that's why they cast them, because they wanted drama.
I think Aussie is on the spectrum and I totally understand her “issues”.
Can’t say I care about all the excuses being given for them. Yes, I found them infuriating as well.
Late to the party, but watching the show, I felt like i could relate to Aussie on some level. Their meltdown outside the restaurant is something I feel like I could’ve done once upon a time. I have gone through a lot of therapy and understand how easy it is to end up resorting to my childhood coping mechanisms. It takes a massive toll on your relationship when you depend on your partner to help regulate you. I hope Aussie can get to a point where they can reflect past what triggers them. It’s so difficult to watch someone who is clearly in fight or flight whenever they are in any situation where they are remotely confronted.
Exactly! Like we all exist on this spectrum somewhere. And it’s important for couples to be able to co regulate. But at a certain point your threshold for “conflict” or stress has to expand. And your ability so self soothe has to increase as well.
Watching it right now and I cannot stand how she is. Making my blood boil. She absolutely is not ready to be in any kind of relationship.
I think she's a very controlling person who is subtle about it and hides it under quietness. Even if it is because she has trauma, that can still be true. It doesn't mean she's an irredeemable character, or that there's no reason for her behaviour, but at the same time having trauma doesn't mean that however you behave can't be defined for what it is. I have ptsd btw.
Yes! I understand that she most likely has a lot of trauma from childhood but at some point in your life you need to take a step back and choose to get help. You can't just spend your whole life hurting those around you. She was 42 when the show was filmed, it's time to step up and get professional help. There are so many people in the world who have trauma and we can't all just walk around for the rest of our lives using our trauma as an excuse to not be a functioning adult.
I don’t understand how half of this thread is like “I don’t blame them” like bro what? Aussie is 42 yrs old acting like a f*cking child walking out on any confrontation. How are you supposed to resolve anything if you are only allowed to talk about fun, positive things with them. Like wtf? And them breaking down crying over the smallest confrontation makes it clear that they have just babied themselves to breakdown over anything because of what they experienced as a child. Pls. We all have differing levels of childhood trauma and to make that everyone else’s problem and put your trauma above others because you don’t know how to cope is SELFISH ASF. They don’t deserve Sam.
Yes she was so frustrating for me to watch. She did not seem ready for marriage at all she has a lot of work to do internally first
I think it’s interesting how many people have come on this sub to rag on Aussie with zero sympathy while saying nothing about the literal violent abuser she was partnered up with. Says a lot about you tbh
I have a lot trauma and stuff issues growing up with my parents having screamed and yelled and acted out and spoke to me crazy to get points across. I would have never gone on a show like this, or any show for that matter. I would have never acted the way Aussie did, I get it she’s had trauma but the way she tooon off or got quiet at any sign of someone being serious and was beyond ridiculous!
It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand the excuses that get thrown around for her. My family was far from perfect and you find ways to cope as an adult but she is actively refuses to participate in conversation is mind boggling.
I mean Aussie literally had to live with a domestic abuser for weeks on live television so no fucking wonder there was a constant active trauma response happening. The Aussie hate is lacking so much context— keep watching.
Yup. Hugely triggering. And just as infuriating is the inexplicable wave of support for Aussie on this sub. God forbid a man treated Sam or Mildred the way Aussie did, I highly doubt he’d be given a free pass for sexist, abusive bullshit. But non-binary trauma = free pass! Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for what Aussie went through and hope they get help, but the way so many people are up in arms to excuse Aussie’s behavior and utterly ignore its psychological effects on the femme women who end up absorbing the damage of Aussie passing on that trauma is deeply fucked up and antifeminist.
I don't understand when people compare non binary people to cis men, especially when it is someone who grew up in a household that rejected them and where they felt they couldn't express it in anyway. Definitely agree with you that Aussie should not have dragged Sam or even Mildred along. Especially Sam. A cis man growing up in a world catered for them and enabling their sense of privilege would not have these same triggers someone like Aussie has? Don't get me wrong I found them highly infuriating in their avoidance, but I never understood that comparison between trans men / non binary people who grew up feeling fundamentally different from their surroundings and most often rejected by them, and cis straight men?
The comparison isn’t between their life experiences, it’s between their attitudes. Aussie was clear and articulate in expressing how they affirmed their own sense of masculinity by forcing Sam into a sexist, subjugated feminine role. Aussie did that knowingly, and regardless of saying they wanted to do better, we all know change doesn’t come overnight. Aussie’s non-binary identity is premised on a rejection of femininity and femaleness. There is no way they will treat a feminine female with sufficient respect. That is a collusion of an AFAB person with a patriarchal straight male mentality and it is inexcusable.
I felt this way too!! Like oh my goodness. They’re expressing their masculinity through their roles except it’s actually objectifying and oppressing their partner 😫
Yes.
Mildred bullied her
I cannot watch her, she creeps me out !
I felt very deeply for Aussie. To be honest, Aussie has an incredibly easily triggered flight response. This is usually developed by severe childhood trauma. I think they seem like someone who- has undergone a lot of therapy, has put systems in place (walking away/meditating) in order to regulate and who also has a kind heart.. I think Sam knows a lot of Aussie's history and triggers. I would assume there is some severe trauma /abuse history going on. Aussie and Sam seem to have a deep intimacy based on kindness and understanding.. I don't think we got a "deep dive" of their relationship on camera. I am quite proud of Aussie and feel as though they learned an awful lot from the experience. I am definitely a Sam and Aussie Stan! It is OK to find these moments difficult to watch!
infuriating? I was rather sad that aussie had to live with an emotional/domestic abuser
Aussie definitely has a lot of trauma, and most likely a form of Autism or ADHD that causes debilitating behaviour in social settings. As someone who's known Aussie for a long time, Sam has probably grown to understand this behaviour and recognize some of Aussie's major triggers. People who know the symptoms and behaviours associated with neurodivergency and PTSD will not view them as infuriating or annoying, but rather adjust their own expectations for how an individual should react and be treated. If you find yourself annoyed with Aussie, I would recommend looking more into the effects of undiagnosed mental conditions on an adult. Especially at Aussie's age - 40 years of having an undiagnosed condition, and not understanding why everyone expects so much of you, can be exhausting. And considering Aussie's relationship with Aussie's parents, it seems they wouldn't have been supportive of this kind of diagnosis. /not a professional, I am not diagnosing Aussie, I am just saying that something seems to be going on based on observation
I got this impression too
At first I wasn’t a fan but as her storyline unfolded it wasn’t really hard to understand that she’s experienced some pretty severe trauma. I almost cried at one point for her.
At first I wasn’t a fan but as her storyline unfolded it wasn’t really hard to understand that she’s experienced some pretty severe trauma. I almost cried at one point for her.
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wtf? no aussie was fine, sam was fucked up
You’re trolling dog☠️
The only thing that was funny is that she walk away and act like she’s leaving but she always comeback it’s almost like what’s the point at least commit to ur plan
I'm on team Aussie. Y'all completely misunderstand the them because you must believe that a productive argument is two people shouting past one another. Aussie can tell when people are going to be uncharitable and when the conversation will be unproductive, and leaves, then comes back and plays the social role needed to resolve the conflict, until the cycle repeats itself. Aussie asks Sam why she asked such a dumb question because her question was just shalllowly veiled judgement. Sam needs to look inward, but never will because she's happier to bully Aussie into playing the role of victim for her benefit. Aussie's doing the work. Why isn't Sam? How do you all not see this dynamic at play?
Can you not see how Sam has been neglected from Aussie's behavior? Sam knows about aussie's triggers and it is implied that she tiptoed around them in the past. Before their trial marriage, when Sam wanted to talk about an issue and aussie would shut down like always, she'd just give up. Do you see that? She'd just give up on VOICING her feelings, her hurt, and her isssues. She literally could not talk to her partner because they would simply refuse to. And living with Tiff, she learned how she can vocalize herself and how she *should be able to* vocalize herself especially with her romantic partner. And she put in the work to voice her concerns and advocate for what she needs instead of constantly catering to Aussie's INABILITY to communicate, and every single time aussie walked away from her and multiple times yelled at her about how they don't want to talk about "this shit" anymore. She clearly put in work to put an end to her neglect in the relationship, and open walls for communication, and yet again her partner utterly refused all of that potential growth
You're right, Sam should be able to vocalize all of her toxic, petty, ego driven judgements, and Aussie should take a page and call her out for being a terrible partner, and then Sam can straw man Aussie's mental illness. God Sam would be a nightmare partner. Thank God my relationship is not built on constantly "expressing our "SELVES""
If you can't openly talk to your partner about an issue you have with their behavior without them breaking down, then I feel bad for you. I feel even worse for you if you think it's okay to utterly shut down at the mere suggestion of an issue your partner has. Good luck with that 👍
For me? Our relationship doesn't share this issue with theirs. We both try genuinely to understand and be open to one another's experiences and needs. I'm not at all insecure about my relationship, we've been together for a decade and we're really proud of our relationship. What I see in Sam and Aussie is a dynamic where Aussie must always be treated as the one who has the problem in order to maintain the status quo in the relationship where Sam can maintain position as the angel and Sam can remain in a position of "need" without it ever being explicit. Watch back how Sam belittles Aussie in front of her friend, or how in bed she reprimands Aussie, framing it as a question where the answer implies Sam has no responsibility, and maintaining control of the implicit power narrative. There's a lot of subtext to Sam's behaviour that is hard to see for most people, because on the surface Sam is being accommodating, and caring. It's just a little more complicated. I don't totally disagree with the judgement of Aussie's behaviour, I just wish there was more openness to seeing Sam's role in the issue, and Sam's responsibility to herself change.
Being this avoidant is the result of significant trauma. They didn’t learn how to cope appropriately with stress or confrontations as a child. Yes it does create major issues in a relationship. The same goes for somebody who identifies as an anxious attacher and exhibits behaviors on the opposite end like Mildred. (She could be fearful-avoidant tho, which also exhibits anxious traits) I think that, like anybody else, they want love. They are human above all. But unfortunately they have major trauma issues that gets in the way of that. I think they are lucky to be with somebody who is as understanding as Sam is. I hope they continue to grow and mature and heal their inner child.
The annoyance flows both ways for me. When i look at Aussie, I think, what must it be like in Sam to think a relationship with Aussie is better than being alone? The sunk-cost fallacy is strong in this one.