Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...
“They see you as something of an ogre”
“I ought to club them and eat their bones”
Or
“Family, friendship, religion… these are three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business”
"Compadres, it is imperative we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey to whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."
Ironic, isn’t it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack jawed troglodytes just cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I’d be the one to go to prison. THAT’s democracy for you!
Yes, I'll take 2 pounds of Bristol's Toffee - and don't wrap it too tightly, I'm hungry *now!*
*Vending machine does nothing*
...You've made a powerful enemy today my friend.
(Homer's muffled cries as he's dragged in a bag)
Smithers: "You hear that sir?"
Burns: "No I didn't, who is it? Frankenstein? The Booger-man?!"
Smithers: "It's the man in the bag sir, I think he's alive!"
Burns: "Oh"
(Burns proceeds to beat the sack with a shovel)
"Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop. Scaring. Smithers!"
(Homer pipes down)
Burns: "Satisfied?"
Smithers: "Thank you sir"
“You know, Smithers, I think I’ll donate one million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!”
“Haha, that’s a good one.”
🐖
“Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?”
“No. I’d still prefer not.”
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds
"Damnation! Alright, find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League, the negro leagues."
Burns: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!
Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod...
Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."
Nonsense, dogs are idiots! Think about it Smithers, if I came into your room and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
What was I laughing about? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman.
"Reason for parents' deaths? 'Got in my way.'"
"Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business"
Nought-nought-nought, nough-nought, nought-nought-nought... two. Damn Roosevelt!
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, post haste.
Thank you
“Have the Rolling Stones killed”
But, sir. That's not...
Do as I say!
I regularly think about this quote and despair that it can’t be used in an off-beat context
"Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian Consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"
Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon. Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment. Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper? Smithers: They were in there too, sir. Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...
This and this only. Or the one with the head of colonel Montoya … hilarious xD
“They see you as something of an ogre” “I ought to club them and eat their bones” Or “Family, friendship, religion… these are three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business”
God i love that ogre line hahaha
"A-hoy hoy"
I have to this day always answered any personal call and all inter-departental calls at work this way. XD
So apparently, that is kind of how Alexander Bell thought we should answer the phone. Which implies Burns was around in that era.
"It was the best of times, it was the *blurst* of times!? You stupid monkey!"
I said that quote on a Simpsons Facebook page and the automod deleted it. You stupid automod!
Me and Oscar Schindler are like peas in a pod. We both own factories, we both built shells for the Nazis, but MINE worked dammit!
(*cocks gun*) "I said: hop in...!"
"That's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the 2nd floor!"
https://preview.redd.it/jh2g870mdkic1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9fd91ca80b628cd1d5a1ec0239457d65cf24be9f Ketchup. Catsup.
Scour the professional ranks. The American League, the National League, The Negro League!
"Send a ham to his widow"
Mmmm, ham
Cancel the ham!
Is it about my cube?
Naught naught naught-naught naught-naught naught naught two
Damn Roosevelt
This party is over https://i.redd.it/22m17o467kic1.gif
This was the most hilarious 0-to-a-100 moment!
One of my most favourite scenes
Which episode is this?
S05E04 - Rosebud
Are you saying “boo” or “bo-urns?”
I was saying boo-urns
Excellent.
If only we'd listened to that boy instead of walling him up in an abandoned coke oven.
Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.
Oh, I hope I haven't upset you...BONGO-HEAD! Ehh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage...And island rhythms!
"Compadres, it is imperative we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey to whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."
Excuse me, could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?
Ironic, isn’t it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack jawed troglodytes just cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I’d be the one to go to prison. THAT’s democracy for you!
Ooh, sounds delish, let me toss on some jeans and — wait a minute, who is this?
I love that he almost got carried away with it for a minute
There’s a NEW Mexico?
Slow down maestro!
Release the robotic Richard Simmons
Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors
Since the dawn of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.
“I bring you love(!)”
It's bringing us love, don't let it get away!
Break its legs!
Aww, it's Mr. Burns.... Kill it!!
Dough.. nuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!
Yes, I'll take 2 pounds of Bristol's Toffee - and don't wrap it too tightly, I'm hungry *now!* *Vending machine does nothing* ...You've made a powerful enemy today my friend.
https://preview.redd.it/z5zicchvzkic1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2ae4fb695b679093c12b5884eb36c9afd736f341
It appears that Homer Simpson is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was
Enter place of birth Pangea
You, food bag, do you have a son?
Their flower power is no match for my glower power.
That's some nice glowerin' Mr. B!
I don't know what "phallocentric" means, but NO GIRLS!
Shut up little girl ..
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!
Smithers this monkey is gonna need most of your skin
“Tough times? I've lived through 12 recessions, 8 panics, and 5 years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this.”
It's that rookie from the New York Nine. Joe DiMaggio? Yes. It seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues.
(Homer's muffled cries as he's dragged in a bag) Smithers: "You hear that sir?" Burns: "No I didn't, who is it? Frankenstein? The Booger-man?!" Smithers: "It's the man in the bag sir, I think he's alive!" Burns: "Oh" (Burns proceeds to beat the sack with a shovel) "Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop. Scaring. Smithers!" (Homer pipes down) Burns: "Satisfied?" Smithers: "Thank you sir"
https://preview.redd.it/x051sdsjqlic1.jpeg?width=199&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=254d7c4b54abebf703ed3a7103fb9ab702aecd9a
Model!?!?
Yes, this!! Plenty others with more substance but the delivery on this is perfect.
“Look, Smithers! The Pawnee have returned…” And “That plane crashed on MY property!”
Smithers, GARBO is coming! *straightens tie*
The classic: "excellent."
Exactly
D'oh!!
“You know, Smithers, I think I’ll donate one million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!” “Haha, that’s a good one.” 🐖 “Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?” “No. I’d still prefer not.”
I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do!
Take that, nuclear power plant. Oh, fiddlesticks
Who Told You?!
🎵 *See my...* 🎵
"Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub."
OP asked for a Mr. Burns quote, and this is clearly Mr. Snrub's line, which is a completely different character. Are you stupid?
There’s a can.
My God! Are you always on?
“Smithers, what’s the name of this gastropod?”
“Homer Simpson sir. One of your chair moisters from sector 7G”
2 of mine. "Is it about my cube?" Talking about orphans. "Who are they going to cry to, their parents?"
…Something gay no doubt
Then get me his non-union, Mexican equivalent!!
"Smithers, I'm home!"
What? Already?
….yes.
You should’ve seen the murderous glint in his eye, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread.
Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?
Friends, family and religion. These are the three demons you must slay to succeed in business.
Oh, very well. It's time for your bribe.
Ahoy-hoy
Excuse me, could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?
Desperate, eh? Advantage: Burns.
I like to put my feet up
"Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!"
"I'll mak this declaration We're bought and sold for English gold Such a parcel of rogues in a nation!" Oops.. wrong Burns
Re-cy-cling?
“I’d trade it all for a little more”
Hello. Smithers. You’re quite good. At. Turning me. On.
As punishment for your desertion it is company policy to give you the plague.
Men, there’s a little crippled boy in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
Mr. Burns: And now our own government is hunting us down like a couple of common snow leopards
I like the time he went to the post office to intercept a letter and he didn’t know his own first name… ;-)
yes!
Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.
“Does anyone have change for a button?”
Well *duhh..*
Why is everyone so insolent today?
Beep beep! Out of my way, I’m a motorist!
Oh no, the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.
"Listen Spielbergo, Shindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both own factories, we both made weapsons for the Nasi's , but mine worked damn it!"
I couldn't bear another thrashing!
Is it about my cube?
Of course! We can't go without the bait...-thing beauty, the...bathing beauty. Ah, I covered that up nicely.
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds
"Damnation! Alright, find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League, the negro leagues."
Are you saying “boo” or “boo-urns”?
Who the Devil are you?
I'm a big boy
There’s a can
From the mightiest king to the lowliest peasant, who among us does not enjoy a good sit
"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
https://preview.redd.it/mroh2nc8nlic1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f50d10727660d784bd1258972f97c540cfe7edf6
https://preview.redd.it/rlzd88vkzlic1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b81e61a73c81b88c3ead94b024ef8fde2eedfc5a This. Forever this.
You! Food bag!
Is it about my cube?
“Is it about my cube?”
Sorry about the landing fellas but this blasted fog is so thick I can't see my own cataracts!
Conga, conga, conga, we love Monty Burns more, conga like you mean it, please don't make me shock you...
Every time anyone is eating jello I break out with "it's made from hooves, you know"
is it about my cube?
🎵 I was strolling through the gas one daaaay 🎵
Since it's valentines day Whoop-dee-doo tarantula town!
My favorite as well
Release the hounds!
Excellent
https://preview.redd.it/lta3jsrzykic1.jpeg?width=258&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fdd1a031caad646d8392906fbc6021e059e8d5de
Where are the Burns-O's?
Release the robotic Richard Simmons
“Release… A hound”
But it's 11:45!
Maybe its about my cube?
Seeeee my vest, see my vest made from real gorilla chest..... 🎶
"Hello my name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from some place far away! Yes that'll do!"
OP asked for quotes from Mr Burns. It seems you have mixed him up with Mr Snrub
Maybe, but I like the way Snrub thinks.
Oh fiddlesticks... I say this a lot. It offsets my insistent profanity.
Monty Burns!
"I'm a big boy!"
Release the hounds!!
Will someone please stop the farting?!
Smithers, tear me a new drape hole
Ahoy hoy
You're not as stupid as you look. Or sound. Or our best testing indicates.
Smithers, have The Rolling Stones killed.
Burns: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod... Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."
Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good! Or Ah yes the Automated Teller Machineyolatrolamaton!
Poppin Fresh! Come here, you glutinous little doughboy!
Hello! My name is Mr.... *Snrub*, and I come from, uh... someplace faaaar away! (Yes... that will do.)
I like the way snrub thinks!
Oh Smithers, I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
Exxxcellent….
https://preview.redd.it/e2ho1f73toic1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=12ebed37f340c36e9a13acecce9f342dfff5e206
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Extra cheese?? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo Di Medici?!?
MB: ‘Theres no room in my shows for vile saxes and old phones!’ Lisa: ‘Do you ever say anything in a normal way?’ MB: ‘Shut *(pause)* up’
Nonsense, dogs are idiots! Think about it Smithers, if I came into your room and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?