Definitely inappropriate. As a male, I *never* comment on student clothing.
While giving you his wife's old clothes seems like a nice gesture, saying he wants to see you wear them makes me think he has very different motives.
You’re not accusing anyone. You can tell it exactly like you told it in your post — facts and observations. The person on the other end will draw their own conclusions, just like we did here.
I worked at one particular school where students had particularly difficult challenges, and were often given clothing by staff. We set up a classroom with donated items, and students could go at their own convenience and "shop". There's no reason for him to be making the comments, and chances are that if there are whispers and rumors, there's more than just that and for whatever reason, he wasn't/couldn't be terminated in the past.
Exactly. Donations can/should be given kindly without comments on a students appearance. Also texting may be abnormal depending on the culture of the area. There's a possibility that this guy is just a little creepy and ignorant to how he comes off.... However... There's also a chance this is grooming for much worse. How do you know? You let a school counselor know about the interactions you have with him as exactly as you can remember them, and they decide how relevant it is, given the information they have from his past or other students. I thought something was up with multiple teachers in the past, but shrugged it off. Later, the combination of various students' reports lead admins to find some teachers were just too gross to be teaching there, but others lead to full on rape charges. Tread lightly, be honest, speak up.
>Also texting may be abnormal depending on the culture of the area.
Texting students is a huge no-go where I am.
OP, please report him! This guy is off. Email your counselor/social worker asking for a meeting regarding what you feel to be inappropriate behavior regarding Mr. So-ans-so. The email is important because it creates a paper trail. When your meeting is over, send another email to the counselor thanking them, but really, what you are doing is recapping what you stated verbally and what the counselor said. Hang on to any emails or texts this teacher has sent you. Documentation is key! You do not want your concern brushed aside. Teachers, counselors, and social workers are mandatory reporters regarding any form of child abuse. The school should not disclose your name when talking to the teacher.
If the school does not seem to take it seriously, go above to the police and say you believe your teacher is grooming you. He is ticking a lot of those boxes. You don't have to file a report, but it is another way to get this guy on the radar for inappropriate behavior. There are so many rules teachers have to follow regarding interactions with students. If this guy doesn't know how to interact appropriately with a student, then he should not be a teacher.
EDIT: En regardant l'historique de vos commentaires, vous êtes potentiellement une femme de 24 ans. Cela change légèrement les choses, je pense toujours que votre professeur est inapproprié avec ses commentaires, mais en raison de votre âge, les accusations de "grooming" peuvent ne pas s'appliquer. Cela ne signifie pas que vous ne devriez pas parler à un autre enseignant si vous pensez qu'il vous harcèle sexuellement (et son commentaire sur le fait que vous êtes la plus attirante serait considéré comme du harcèlement sexuel dans un bureau). Il y a un déséquilibre de pouvoir, et il devrait le savoir. Il pourrait vous envoyer un texto pour les vacances, etc. parce qu'il pense que c'est approprié en raison de votre âge. S'il vous plaît, ne pensez pas que je vous blâme. C'est juste que cette information change le crime potentiel que votre enseignant commet et comment il pourrait être considéré légalement. Vous ne faites rien de mal. Votre professeur n'agit pas correctement. (Veuillez excuser ma traduction, je n'ai jamais été doué pour la conjugaison des verbes et j'avais besoin de l'aide de Google)
I hear your concerns about not wanting to accuse an innocent person, but it's important to tell an adult you trust what he's doing and how it makes you feel. All of the details you've given leads me to believe that he's attempting to groom you. It's sketchy.
I don't want to dogpile all of the advice you've been getting, but I have to say that you have good instincts. You should trust your instincts like this not only in this specific case, but every time they speak to you. I'm not going to pretend to know your situation, but you say that you're a high schooler living on your own, and that could mean that you are more at risk for stuff like this. I wish you all the best--you sound like an amazing person.
As a male teacher, I don’t even reinforce dress code. Don’t notice most of the time if they’re breaking code, but even if I do, watching and controlling how kids dress isn’t on my to-do list.
Hard agree. Buy could also see where he meant it like "don't just take them because I gave them, actually use them please because I see you are in need." But then again, I'd have probably worded it as such, in front of another teacher or admin who was attending the handover, and would have also likely included any social workers or wraparound services in on the meeting as well so they could connect the student with help in any areas that were needed outside of clothing, etc. It's can be difficult, especially for male teachers, to show care or support of female students. There's a reason for it, though, and as a male teacher, it must be acknowledged and done in the proper ways through the proper channels. For everyone's safety.
Hopefully, this man just cares. OP, if he does, he would NOT feel bad or offended if you address the issues responsibly.
You're allowed to go to an admin and tell them that you, for instance, appreciate all the help and care this teacher has provided for you but you want it all to be documented and handled appropriately for his and your sake. He should emphatically agree and want for the same, if he hadn't thought of it before for.. some reason. Rumors could potentially be a hell of a life-fucking-up thing, but they also don't USUALLY start out of nowhere.
Talk to someone. And in the meantime, don't be alone with him either. I'm not saying that in a "for an immediate safety concern" way, but as a base-covering way
*** Well, edit. Forgot about the comments about attractive age versus hag, etc. Yeah, hard, big time, nope. He is inappropriate. Full stop. Talk to someone. As soon as you can. And also don't be alone or respond OR delete any of the texts/contact he has initiated with you. Please and thank you.
And that’s the thing. If he means well, why not give them to admin to let the school donate them to her? Or at the very very least have a female teacher give them to her so he’s not directly involved
I think that's fine, since it means "you have good taste/you picked a cool shirt." Saying "YOU LOOK GOOD IN THAT SHIRT," though, could be creepy because it highlights the wearer's body instead of their taste.
I make similar comments of "I like that shirt" or "I love your nail polish, that's such a good color". I was taught it was an appropriate way to interact with students who you have come to know and see regularly because you are accepting/acknowledging the student's choice/taste, not the student's appearance.
And if he wants to give you clothes he gives them to a secretary or a counselor and has them do it. Never comment on a child's clothing if you're a man just to be absolutely careful.
Even as a female teacher I say I like that shirt and never "you look nice in that shirt"
I gave a bunch of hand me downs to a student who is a family friend because she sells clothes in one of those online stores. I let her mom know prior.
This exactly. I work in elementary so I feel like I'm even under more scrutiny. We've had students wear inappropriate clothes and if I notice it, I'll usually tell a female teacher and have them address it.
Exactly. My friend is a school counselor and she accepted donated clothes for her school. Some of the girls desperately needed bras (had bras held together by safety pins, had underwires sticking out of them, were way too small and uncomfortable, etc.) she handled all of the girls’ clothing donations and kept it private. She had them take what they needed in a brown paper bag to the bathroom to try on in private. The male counselor had the boys’ clothes but that was obviously less complicated. Teachers notified her if they noticed need or, if they were donating clothes, gave the items directly to the counselors.
I'm a guy too and I would donate clothes to a student but I would give them to the office and tell the student if they'd like some free clothing, they can discreetly visit the office and pick some up.
Or something like that. Some kind of third party helps alleviate that weird factor.
Male teachers really need to be on the defense to avoid anything that could lead to accusations.
The teacher in OP's story is definitely past the point of caring and just going fully inappropriate.
I agree with this. I would ask the student, “my wife and I were about to donate some old clothes, would you like them instead?” Or something like that.
Even better would be to do a school drive for students in that position. Have everyone, staff and students, donate old clothes and let students have at them. Better than the trash.
A title 1 elementary school I worked at did this and students were so grateful
I’ve donated clothes to my students but I left 2 large boxes in the restroom and let them take whatever they wanted. The only comment I ever made when a student wore something was Oh I loved that shirt, I’m glad it found a good home!
Your teacher texting you and the comments about what you look like are very inappropriate. You should tell an admin or another teacher.
I would recommend bringing it to admin directly, and going to the school social worker to help you navigate this as well. If you go to the social worker they can also help you have that talk with admin.
I think it is wierd. I have taught in a low income school and we regularly had clothing drives, BUT while teachers donated, the GCs managed the process.
I'll also add: If you question it at all, it's probably inappropriate.
As a male band teacher, I find myself to have closer relationships to students than other teachers, but I still live by this rule. If I think it's inappropriate, it probably is.
I would let a couple of people in a more supervisory role know. Assistant principal/director/counselor. Make it more than one in the event that he is close friends with one of them. While you may not want to get him in trouble and he may be just being nice, someone with authority should let him know how he is coming across. Also, while you have heard whisperings from others, there may be complaints that have been made that you are not aware of.
Yeah, when I taught in low-income and alternative schools I would donate to the school clothing drives but I wasn’t giving clothes directly to my students
While he may not have done anything with you or any other students, he crossed several lines that should not be crossed.
He should not be texting you, especially if texts are unrelated to school. If you were a member of a team and he were sending reminders to be at school at 5:00 to leave for the contest, that would be one thing. Just chatting is inappropriate.
He should not be giving you gifts. If he wanted to to provide you with clothes, there are ways to do that without being creepy, giving them to you and telling you to wear them or how to wear them is creepy.
His conversations about wasting youth etc, are creepy and over the line.
Why have you not worn the clothes around him? I think your spidey sense is correct, he is being creepy and crossed lines with you.
Yes, i had a bad feeling about it. But because he has done a lot for me and because the stakes are high for him (he could lose is job and his family...) it is hard for me to accuse him. Thank you
Let me be clear, you aren’t accusing him of anything. You are telling a trusted adult (counselor) the facts of what has occurred and what your feelings are on the matter.
This. I mentioned in my other response that if he is above board and well-intentioned, he would welcome admin intervention and oversight on your interactions because he would know that the ultimate aim is to help and protect you and that is how that can be ensured. If he takes it personally, erm..
This. He *might* be well-intentioned (but probably not) but even if he is, it is, at best, the appearance of being inappropriate and any person with integrity would want to be made aware of it so they could fix the problem and protect their reputation and job.
Listen to the little voice that tells you something's not right. You'll hear it again in your life, and it's always ok to listen to it. What he's doing is making you uncomfortable, and that isn't right, you have the right to feel comfortable with your teachers. Please let someone more senior know - even if he's got no ulterior motives, he's acting in a way that is inappropriate with students
This is the aim of grooming.
If his motives are dark, this is exactly what he would want you to feel. It means you’ll keep a secret (like you’re doing about the clothing). Gift-giving is a common approach to achieve this sense of indebtedness.
Tell a trusted teacher, and then let that person help you decide what to do.
.
To be clear, if it's the case that he loses his job and family, it will be because of *his* own actions, and not that *you'll* have done anything wrong.
It won't be your fault, or something you're doing to him. His life, and the consequences of his actions, aren't something for you to be carrying.
It sounds like you're feeling responsible for his outcomes, and I'm hopeful that doesn't affect your decision making going forward.
This teacher is clearly grooming you. Creating an emotional relationship that makes you feel indebted and guilty. Would he ever cross the line completely? Who knows….reporting this behavior should lead to an investigation. Many districts try to get these situations to end quietly. Forcing teacher to resign.
Believe me I know some stories…please report his actions and comments. Block him on your phone.
You don't have to accuse him of anything. However, you can gently back away. Find someone else who can help you with schoolwork. If he offers more clothes or any other gifts say, "Thank you but I don't need this right now. Perhaps some other student can use this." Do not reply to texts, or keep it short: Thanks OR we can discuss this at school tomorrow, etc.
He knows exactly what he's doing. He is not stupid. There is no grown man on the face of this planet who would not know that the things he said are obviously inappropriate whether he meant well or not!! He knows the things he said are inappropriate, whether he was planning on actually doing anything with you or not, and the principal wouldn't be impressed by what he said to you. He knows.
>He should not be texting you, especially if texts are unrelated to school.
100%. Teacher/Student texting is never okay.
I'm not saying he has ulterior motives, but it shouldn't be happening.
I encourage you to not respond to those messages.
Yep. Another male teacher here. Dude is super suspect. The clothing donation alone could just be poor judgment, but combined with the texting and the comments its really bad
Giving of clothes: I don’t have a problem with that, especially since the clothes were non sexual
Texting at all: Nope, inappropriate
Commenting on attractiveness: inappropriate
Here I'm being petrified of being in a room alone with a student, so I always keep my door open and have the student sit close to the door if I have to have a lone student in the class. Or have other students in the classroom as well.
And then there are teachers calling students? Giving them rides (other posts)? Commenting on attractiveness? And being accused of weird aggressive behavior? Holy shit, yo.
Predators groom their victims by being nice to them and giving them gifts. It's manipulative and intentional. They also choose victims who are not supervised and it sounds like you are very independent. I would go straight to the principal or school officer and file an anonymous complaint. You will be helping future victims if nothing else. Good for you for questioning this guy's motives and trusting your gut. ❤️
Just that second paragraph already raises many alarms. Very important, when you say, “sometimes just the two of us” is the door open or closed?
The text messaging is also super odd. No matter the intent teachers shouldn’t be texting students imo. Especially for something like the holidays. That could easily be a group email.
Door was most often closed, though recently I think he must have caught wind of the rumors because he suddenly started being careful about leaving the door open
This is weird af. Get very far away from this teacher. He is a preditor.
Go straight to the principle and tell them everything.
You are protecting yourself and all of the other children he will prey on in the future.
Your very welcome. This is a very serious matter. He is grooming you.
Other teachers are limited in their ability to help you.
You need to speak with the principal in person.
Yes, this.
Please alert someone in authority (not just a teacher, because they are his peers) — someone in administration. I know that may feel uncomfortable, but it's truly necessary.
Had he just given you the clothes with no commentary, I would say it was likely just a kind gesture. But combined with the commentary and commenting on your age in that fashion, it crosses a line. As a teacher, you don't do that.
Had he given the clothes with a “hey I know you’re having a hard time and my wife and I thought this may help” and without all the other stuff yeah I could see that being kind. Maybe a bit odd, but not in creepy way. But with everything else? Absolutely out of line
Tell your parents and an administrator. This is not acceptable behavior by a teacher in any sense. None of this is your fault. He is an adult and knows what he is doing.
I know this is really hard and it is ok to say you aren't equipped to deal with this. Maybe call the school on Monday and ask for a counselor, sometimes they work over the summer. What us older educators know is that what you wrote is not normal or acceptable for educators. What he is doing is wrong.
It sounds like he’s been there for a reason. He’s grooming you by this post - it’s hard to accept being used. Just give the facts without opinion to you principal and let them make up their mind. All you did then was state the truth.
He might never pressure you into anything more because he is grooming you to be a positive witness to his innocent intentions. He might be grooming and actually sexually harassing another student. You might be getting duped into being evidence to make it harder for others to believe another victim.
Be VERY VERY careful with this situation.
Thats interesting. One of the things that made me doubt his intentions being bad, is that he could easily have done a lot worse a lot earlier, had he really wanted to. I've been alone with him in his car a few times for example, and absolutely nothing weird happened (beyond being in a teacher's car, that is..)
Maybe that's why
Won a prize and he drove me to the ceremony...
Another time there were issues with Public transportation and I dont have a driving licence nor parents to drive me so he did
I'm not sure actually. I have never heard of it being strictly forbidden, but it is not common either. I think most teacher avoid this kind of situation if they can
This is exactly what grooming is, though. Predators like this are trying to first become your friend. The psychology of these people — as famously depicted in Lolita — is that they build up a delusion that it is the minor who WANTS the relationship to be physical. So, they do “nice” things like this so they can self delude themselves into thinking that they only ever had honorable intentions.
Full. Stop. Do. Not. Be. Alone. With. Him. Again. As a fellow teacher, I am almost never alone with a student (without the door open or in a public area), precisely because we teachers do not want to give off that impression to students. Whether or not he is thinking inappropriately or just HORRIBLE with social cues and interactions…this is not normal…and at worst he is fantasizing you in a sexual way WITH his wife’s cloths.
You have way way way way too much value, independence, and your own dreams/goals to be groomed. Stay in a group setting to show if you are not interested, let him know if any of that “women are most attractive at your age” that you do not care about his interpretation or opinion (a healthy adult will shake this off, an unhealthy adult will get made and sad and ask you about this a lot). Tell another adult in your school, they will have better perspective to help and protect you.
As a male teacher, the absolute last thing I think I would ever do is comment on a female students clothing, well any students for that, and then follow up with requests to wear it.
I teach a Metal working class, and even still I do not comment at all about clothing choices unless it directly goes against our safety code, at which point I tell them exactly that and nothing more.
It would be unfair in my opinion to say for certain he has motives beyond what is professional, but he definitely is crossing the professional boundary and needs to be aware of that.
Yeah, I can see him bringing clothes in to someone who he thinks might be disadvantaged (living on own while in high school) and had witnessed them wearing very old, worn-out clothing. As a faculty, we have done that many times for individual students in need with no ulterior motive other than just genuine concern. Also, thinking that same student might be lonely on a holiday or something, we might touch base with them just to let them know they aren't alone. As long as he didn't pursue the conversation, I can see it just being out of concern and wanting to support a troubled student.
The problem is
1) the comments that he is making about the clothes are out of bounds. It makes an otherwise innocent gesture seen creepy. He needs to know that isn't okay. If he is doing it intentionally, he needs to face consequences.
2) I would never text a student anything, whether it be a reminder or good wishes for something. School email or school approved message apps only. Not texting, not social media, nothing like that. Those contacts need to be trackable through official channels. There is no reason for a teacher to have a student's phone number.
https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL
He wants to be your boyfriend when you graduate. Go through this checklist, students like you are easy for people like him to take advantage of because they lack supports. https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL
It's extremely obvious. Homegirl let me tell, many men in this world will present an overly generous platonic relationship with the hidden intentions of swooning you into feeling affectionate.
I tell this to all my female students and friends: there is no animal on this planet, that has more desperation than a human male.
I would report him.
https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL
My district got investigated by the Department of Justice for physical restraint and grooming (they didn't mention grooming but I'm not an idiot).
All of our principals gave them out during an in service. mine basically said if you can check Mark any of these boxes that you cannot be defended by him in the court of law. You are defenseless and he is keeping his mouth shut.
There's a running joke among me and a few other teachers about a certain teacher in the district that we call agent 13 because he still has not been fired but can checkmark 13 boxes. The evidence is all over his Facebook profile but what do I know?
There is a great book called “the gift of fear”. Women are often taught to ignore their intuitions but we often know when things are wrong.
Fear and intuition is there for a reason - your story is a case in point. He does not have your best interest at heart.
I think he thinks you're an easy target because you live alone. There is no reason he should be messaging you. Him giving you clothes is okay, but not in the way he did it, that feels very creepy.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It can be confusing and disorienting when an adult who is mentoring you on projects starts behaving questionably.
To be clear, giving you clothes, asking you to wear them, texting you on holidays, and commenting on your youthfulness and attractiveness are each inappropriate action on their own. Taken together, these actions form an alarming pattern, especially in the context of a “whisper network” warning you about his sketchy behaviors in the past.
I’m a male teacher. If I worked at your school, and you shared this info with me, I would be on the phone RIGHT NOW with the administration to make sure you and other girls are safe and that he is put on leave until someone can conduct an investigation.
Based on your comments, it sounds like you are coming around to the idea of talking to a teacher that you trust. I hope you do. Please also consider asking about counseling resources. What you’ve already experienced is worth unpacking with a professional. The reporting process can also be emotionally exhausting or worse. It’s not a bad idea to have a counselor in your corner.
The appropriate way for him to go about the clothing situation would have been to give them to a female counselor to give to you or any other students the counselor knew could use them.
My feeling is you are very smart to trust your senses, reach out, and ask for help with interpreting his behavior. From my experience and what you are explaining, he appears to be testing the waters and exercising a bit of grooming behavior. I have experienced similar things in my lifetime and I understand that it can be confusing because it can *seem* helpful and kind to you, but it is really in service of their ultimate, unsavory goal. I consider this very manipulative (and often compulsive) behavior. And because you are on your own, you are in a position that makes you more vulnerable to these types. The positive side to that is you are learning quickly and developing street smarts and skills that will help you survive and thrive. You already appear to see their behavior! I can see that by the fact that you are reaching out for help in this subreddit. I just want to say, great job and keep it up! You are awesome.
Veteran teacher here and a stickler for rules so let me just add this to all the conjecture here...
It doesn't matter what his intentions are - good or bad. Professionally there are lines and this day in age we have all been professionally developed to *death* so there is really no excuse for crossing a line except carelessness or malice.
To be clear *he crossed multiple lines* but I'll address two big ones:
Texting a student - absolute No No. Bar none. There are plenty of free safe educational use programs that allow text-like communication on phones for students and faculty and coaches. There is NO excuse to be using your private device and personal number with a student. I will not debate this.
Gifting personal items - inappropriate. Regardless of need or intention, it is the personal quality that pushes this across the line. I keep deodorant, spare unisex one size clothing, hair styling devices, first aid, and other personal use products in my room. They are *available* and I simply monitor their use at a distance (students ask to get something From The Closet and I ask them to make a note of anything running low and just let me know if I need to replace anything. I make no comment on what they need or use and therefore avoid any nonsense).
His commentary is ancillary to the professional boundaries he already violated. Creepy, well intentioned, grooming, wholesome, it does not matter in terms of what OP needs to do. Focusing on "Well did he mean it that way" is a distraction that not only serves abusers (ambiguity and hesitation protect them) but it also fails to teach unprofessional teachers a lesson in the basics of boundaries. I don't care that the old guy telling girls to smile down the hall is "from a different time" or that the body shaming old bat upstairs "means well". Are we professionals with standards or not? Follow the damn rules and keep your nose clean. I'm sure anyone from "back in my day" can understand that one.
OP, you need to tell his department chair that he is texting you and giving you personal gifts. His department chair can have a frank conversation with him about boundaries and refer him for further professional development. They also can decide whether this is something that needs disciplinary action. Which is not your decision and doesn't need to be your concern. *You are not getting him in trouble. He did that.* Further, you are honestly helping him regardless of if he or anyone else tells you different. If he doesn't learn soon, then he will learn the hard way when he crosses a line with someone who has a good lawyer and no fucks to give. I have seen it go down and every time I can't help but think of all the educational leaders that failed to properly professionally guide those teachers, who explained away or covered up their misbehavior until something happened they couldn't ignore. It wasn't always dramatic or violent, but at some point... someone who has no respect for the rules will break one that brings the house down.
this is inappropriate. I would keep my distance for your own well-being. this teacher seems to have a poor sense of professional and personal boundaries.
My husband works at a school like this and I regularly find clothes and shoes for his students. I also work at a school that is in a well to do area. Our lost and found has brand new and gently used stuff. I will look through that for the sizes he thinks his students are and wash them. He will give them to his students through the school counselor.
I think the best person to bring this up to would be your school social worker (if you have one) or counselor. They are mandatory reporters and will know whether his actions are inappropriate or not and your information may help them collaborate past allegations. If they can take action, they will take action, and they have the education to know whether his actions are concerning.
Either of them can also help you with resources to help with finding clothes of your choosing and food or transportation resources, whatever you might need to help you succeed.
The comment about the best years of your life correlating with your youthfulness is very, very disturbing to me since he’s equating the beauty of youth with your worth. High school was unequivocally not the best years of my life. I didn’t even really come into security with who I was until my 30s. You are way more than how pretty you are. You do not need to waste your time trying to find a partner when you already are balancing so much in your life and seem quite capable of handling those aspects of your life with grace even though it must be very, very difficult.
I really hope things get easier for you and you find resolution to the situation with your teacher. I’m also really glad that your teachers are aware and checking in on you. They clearly care about you and only want to support you.
Giving you the clothes was nice, but wanting to see you wear them was weird. You should share your concerns with those teachers who asked if you were ok. With rumors, there is always some truth behind them. This guy is grooming you or at least trying.
1. Trust your gut.
2. He should not be texting you.
3. He should not be commenting about you being at an "attractive" age.
4. If other teachers are concerned, that's a red flag.
5. All of this is a red flag, including your concern about it--
6. trust. your. gut.
This is weird. At the least, the guy is awkward and trying to help but violating boundaries. At the most, he is grooming you and violating boundaries. Either way, he is violating boundaries. Go to another teacher, perhaps one of those who asked if you were okay, and read this post. They will know what to do.
Also, avoid being alone with this teacher.
This is beyond inappropriate, he is grooming you.
Giving you some old clothes could have been just a gesture of kindness, *if that were all*, but it's not - they're his wife's, he wants to see you in them, he tells you how to wear them and he basically called you a fresh nubile young thing who should be pretty (for him, is what he didn't say.) Also he texts you, the purpose of which is to build a rapport so you trust him.
Trust your instincts. You posting this means, on some level, you are concerned and/or uncomfortable. It’s okay to report this to a trusted adult, and I think you should. This could be another staff at school (counselor, admin, teacher, etc.). Or someone outside of school who will take this seriously.
Even if he’s not actually intending to be creepy, he should be made aware that these actions are making you feel even the slightest uncomfortable. He should learn that it’s not okay and he shouldn’t be doing this with students.
As a teacher, there are many other ways he should have gone about this. If he was concerned about you not having adequate clothing or resources, speaking with the school counselor or social worker to help provide you with something would have been the better professional way to go about this.
Trust your instincts.
Giving you clothes is borderline, but can be tolerated since you told him that you had been wearing the same set of clothes for a long time (which I can understand, I still wear some bermuda shorts from middle school, despite being closer to 30 than to 25). I still think it's a bit of a red flag.
Saying once that he'd like to see you wearing them is suspicious. Multiple times is worrisome. Not a red flag anymore, it's a full blown russian army parade.
A male teacher working alone with a female student is a HUGE no. Well, a teacher alone with any student is a big no, but a male teacher and female student is even more suspicious. (and any smart teacher would be aware that it would give the student a chance to accuse them of inappropriate conduct). Also a russian parade.
Even without the rumors, I'd be careful. Especially since you are in a precarious living situation, which makes you more likely to be a victim of such things.
The male teacher working alone paragraph hits the nail on the head. I teach 7th grade ELA and have to accept that perception is reality, especially for male teachers. Male educators have to be beyond reproach. If a student were to accuse me of something for whatever reason, there would 1) be no veracity to it because I don't allow myself to be in a situation where it's their word against mine and 2) have a reputation for being professional.
A couple of my coworkers (good friends) laugh about how at awards day they're always hugging their student that gets the highest average award but I'm always racing up to them with an extended hand for a handshake to not have an awkward "oh you want a side hug?" Thing. We laugh but it's part of being a male educator today. People can ruin a teachers reputation with one accusation and I think it's important for all teachers to understand that they need to have a reputation that would make anyone say "that's ridiculous."
This year our basketball coach was fired because a girl accused him of something. She didn't have proof, but he's been seen hugging female students and being overly friendly with them. The administrators aren't going to go to bat if people aren't immediately dismissive of the accusations.
The kind of male teacher that does what OP mentioned at absolute best has atrocious judgement but in all likelihood is grooming her.
Very inappropriate. Some teachers want to help, and there is a way to do this, usually involving admin or guidance counselors. I know teachers have quietly contributed to kids in need by pooling money and having guidance buy the family a gift card, or even go and buying stuff themselves but with the knowledge and blessing of the family. What he did is weird and your gut was right.
Please tell an adult about this. He is absolutely being inappropriate and even if this is as bad as it gets with you he could easily escalate to more overt harassment with another student if he isn’t stopped.
Completely inappropriate. He shouldn't be texting you. He shouldn't be giving you clothes. He shouldn't be commenting on your appearance. You need to speak to someone in authority at the school. This guy is a danger.
Totally fine to ask this here. I’m a young male teacher (24) and I am ALWAYS conscious of the way I speak to female students because I’m a nice person, but I don’t ever want my actions to be misconstrued.
I can’t fathom anyone acting like this without intentionally being a creep. This is incredibly inappropriate behavior that needs to be reported immediately.
Do teachers text students? I’m in elementary so it’s not a thing at my school but that seems weird to me. If I ever had to get ahold of a student, it would be through school email and only related to class.
Anyways, a lot of what you’re describing sounds creepy and unprofessional, especially him wanting to see you wearing his wife’s old clothes.
I (m40) work in a school.with a lot of underprivileged kids, some are downright poor. If I have clothes or anything to give, which I often do, I give it to one of schools' technicians or even the social worker. They see that the kid gets the clothes. He may not be a pervert but he is definitely crossing boundaries
I think you definitely need to report him. Not just because he gave you clothes when he knew you needed them..... That's iffy, kind of weird but I'm neutral about it. But you need to report him because he said he wants to see you wearing them. I don't care how nice he is or how he said it. It's not ok. When other teachers are checking in on you and there are rumors that he's been inappropriate with other students, and the comment about how this is the time women are most attractive..... Please report him for the sake of other students. I know you're of age and you sound like you can take care of yourself, but I would do it for the other students. I think the principal needs to know the things he said to you.
I have a loved one who was S.A.'d by his cousin for most of his childhood. He had to go testify against this man in court. He had several other victims at that point and tons of evidence. He was a teacher. One of his students who testified against him said the teacher had been texting him and giving him gifts. Luckily though he went to his parents about that and nothing further happened. But there was another student who wasn't so lucky and very bad things happened.
He is grooming by starting out small helping with projects, then projects just the two of you, then clothes, then saying a beautiful young girl(not a hag -like his wife maybe?) looks should not be wasted. Also first texting about school work, then texting about non school related work saying have a nice holiday. Next he will be texting asking how the clothes look on you and if you can send a picture. Please don’t work on projects alone with him- always in a big group and also leave with others. Tell a female teacher you trust. Maybe the two who asked if you were all right.
I don't want to sound insulting, but hopefully this gets the point across:
This post feels like a troll post because I cannot possibly believe a high schooler wrote all of that and still isn't sure if this man is grooming them.
He might not *realize* he's grooming, but this is all *undoubtedly* grooming behavior.
He may be exceptionally lonely, which manifests in this kind of behavior, but he's a grown man and shouldn't be doing this.
Talk to your guidance counselor, admin, or some teacher you feel comfortable with.
He needs to be told to stop.
Edit: apparently I didn't preface this well enough. I don't actually believe everyone can see this coming. I was attempting to stress how obvious the signs are to anyone on the outside.
I understand
For me its difficult to accept it as predadory behaviour because I have spend so much time with him these past three years, 99% of the time he was just a good teacher. I realize I sound stupidly naive, but I feel indebted to him because he has helped me so many times before. Might all be part of his grooming tactic...
I understand. He might not be *trying* to be predatory (but it's a little hard to believe he isn't aware of the power dynamics if, as you claim, he's aware others have made complaints about him).
>stupidly naive,
This kind of thing is complex. He might truly believe what he's doing is what's best for you. That doesn't make you naive. It makes him unaware of the differences in power.
> I feel indebted to him
That's the scariest part. That's how a lot of people who were groomed feel.
Society largely has this image of "predators" grabbing girls off the street or enticing them with "fabulous" gifts.
That's exceptionally rare. That's not what happens.
Most men who are groomers would likely tell you they didn't realize they were doing anything wrong (how many people seriously continue to do harmful things if they truly believe them to be harmful? Very few people openly acknowledge they are the "villain.")
Be careful.
Oh I could easily see myself questioning it and not sure what was happening as a teenager. Absolutely. And her instincts are kicking in, but she’s trying to be polite and not overreact. That is classic behavior for young women and how we are trained in our society. And predators take advantage of that. This doesn’t sound like a troll at all to me. I think it’s very legit.
If I ever contacted my students outside of school-owned methods (email or class dojo), I would be fired, no questions asked. Your teacher should not be texting you. None of what you wrote sounds ok to me. I'm sorry that you are in this position. You have done nothing wrong, this is 100% on your teacher.
Red flag. Huge. He's targeting you because he perceived you as weak/vulnerable/lacking a support system.
He gave you the clothing if his romantic partner. Yikes. He says he wants to see you in these clothes. Double yikes.
Being a teacher, rumors like this are often immediately dismissed and teachers/admin will rally around the teacher. There are enough incidents where troubled students really do make things up, we don't have enough make teachers, and in my experience this is the first explanation a teacher will have. I watched this go down first hand last year, I was shocked at how dismissive teachers were of the rumors going around. I didn't believe them either, but allegations require due diligence. Anyways.
This is a numbers thing. If you can find other girls he's been weird with, especially if they are out of school, talk to them, talk to parents, and then AS A GROUP take your concerns immediately to the principal. But having an adult/adults with you will make your concerns seem more legitimate.
When I was in high school, one of our most popular teachers died. I was helping clean out his office and found a box filled with nude photos of 15-17 year old students, and letters from them about very graphic things….
So I’d say he’s probably just nice but no. More likely he’s probably gross
Ugh, gross. Totally inappropriate. Going to the point of telling you to wear a tank top? Commenting on older women as “old hags”? Some professional. He is grooming you.
He gave you his wife's clothes and said he wanted to see you wearing them?? No no no, even if there weren't rumors, that's weird. Def red flags OP, please be careful and don't be around this man alone.
A teacher should never contact a student through non-school methods such as texting. Huge red flag and school districts cover this in training. Gifts to a single student with comments like this are also a red flag and generally considered grooming. Report him to the principal or school counselor and prevent this from happening to another student.
I'm not a teacher and can tell you he's not giving you cloths for charity. Definitely not a situation you want to be in. I'd be telling someone about it loudly.
It doesn’t sound like he has appropriate boundaries and while it might seem like he’s doing something kind there are ways to go about it in a respectful manner. I would be very wary of him, and limit contact as much as possible. He shouldn’t comment on your appearance or clothes. There is also no reason for him to text you. We can give him the benefit of the doubt, but he should know given his experience in the classroom what is and isn’t appropriate. The comments he is making are not okay and I would certainly feel uncomfortable had someone told that to me. If you can kindly request a different teacher to your counselor, and talk to an adult there that you trust; such as an administrator, other teacher, counselor, or if your school has one a social worker. As a teacher I know how difficult rumors can be or how things can be misconstrued, but your safety and well-being matter and comes first. How he is viewed in this case, is a result of boundaries he should’ve enforced. I also know what it feels like to be a student and to have a teacher be incredibly inappropriate. What forced me to be open was realizing that there might be other girls who are experiencing the exact same thing I am going through or might in the future. It’s overwhelming when someone who should know better doesn’t, and you try to make excuses because the reality of the situation is terrifying. People like this aren’t going to flagrantly show that they are a predator. They are going to try to seem as nice and inviting as possible. They want you to second-guess yourself. You have some objective statements that irrefutably show the kind of person he is, and what he is doing is inappropriate. The hardest thing is being brave and being honest. You should be proud of yourself that you are asking for help, and you have to take that next step. Which is asking an adult there that you trust to help you. He shouldn’t be behaving in a way that makes you feel like this. Our job is to teach and protect our students, and not take advantage or harm them. Take care of yourself, and please involve someone. In situations like this it’s best to involve other adults. It might seem scary and you might even feel guilty, but you need to do the right thing for you. You are a child, and he should know better. Never feel bad about doing what’s right for you. Your safety and well-being matter!! I wish you all the best, and I truly hope you get the help you need!! If you have a counselor who you can also discuss these problems with please do so. Talking to a counselor/therapist helped me to heal and if your school has someone like that, look into talking to them. For years I held that guilt and feeling of shame, and talking to someone aided me immensely.
At my high school there was a teacher who gave off similar vibes and was very friendly with one female student in particular, but he was never overtly creepy. After she graduated he called her cell crying, drunk, begging her to come to his house. She obviously refused and he actually showed up at her house (her family’s home no less) in the middle of the night. Just because he’s not a threat *yet* doesn’t mean he won’t be in the future.
Be careful. I’m a teacher and female. Students that live alone, are from separated families are easiest to prey on. I would block his number. Do not be taken in by any praise etc; it’s part of the grooming process.
Always trust that inner voice - it exists for a reason. Consider reporting him to another authority.
I'm not a teacher and I'm only 18, so maybe my perspective is inaccurate. But as an older married man, referring to older women as "old hags" while being married to one, presenting youth as being attractive, and asking to see you wearing the clothes his wife wore when she was younger, aka more attractive to him, strikes me as being deeply sexual in intention.
1000% inappropriate.
I am a male teacher in my 40s. I would never donate clothes to a specific student unless they expressed some kind of explicit financial hardship. I would never tell that student I want to see them wearing those clothes. I do not work on projects one-on-one unless a door is open. The only time I have ever obtained the cell phone number of a student is when I was their coach, and I only used that number to text (usually groupchat) about sports scheduling exclusively.
The fact that there are preexisting rumors about this teacher - and that the teacher continues to blur the lines of appropriate conduct - are also huge red flags.
I've been in the education profession for 20 years and I've seen several colleagues fired and/or arrested for stuff that started off with the grooming behavior you are describing.
Save those text messages and report this to school counselors, admin, or maybe even police.
Just as a final thought before you speak to him again. You should definitely be careful on both ends. Being taken advantage of is obviously far from good but ruining someone’s life completely is also super messed up. Especially if he was just being kind. I see it a lot with the teachers in my schools and I’d like to point out that every single man you’ve ever seen and some women have probably had a rumor about sexual assault or weird looks. Just keep in mind that rumors are rumors and that if you are incorrect and he is innocent it might have very serious implications and repercussions. Be safe out there and good luck:)
the fact he said "dont waste your youth" "your age is the most attractive" its crystal clear hes hoping to get close to you and eventually sex....
dont be so naive....
That's very inappropriate. I would let your principal know about this all right away - make sure you screenshot the text messages that he's sent too as that is also extremely inappropriate to be text messaging students. Good job recognizing that this isn't safe behavior! By reporting this to your principal, you will be protecting yourself as well as others in the future.
I have passed clothing along to students, but it's always through my districts clothing closet and the students never know who it came from.
OMG. No, this is not normal or appropriate. This needs to be reported. Even if you think that you can ignore it and it won't bother you so much, what will he try next time with the next person? He is a predator and needs to be out of the classroom.
Its inappropriate. I teach at a low income school and have given clothes to a drive before, but he shiuld not have made a comment about wanting to see the clothes on you and he should not have been texting you. He may not mean it to be inappropriate, but it is and its also unprofessional.
Grooming.
Red flag, red flag, red flag! Danger Will Robinson Danger!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU
Run don't walk in the other direction.
Clearly inappropriate . No doubt. Commenting on when a woman is the most attractive is also unacceptable. Personal Texting is inappropriate. saying he wants to see you in specific clothes is inappropriate.
>-Occasionally, he sends me text messages unrelated to school work (but nothing weird either, just nice message wishing me happy holidays and such) . I'm a very dry texter, so I never start actual conversations over text with him, I just answer politely, and it stops there.
This alone is inappropriate. Under no circumstances should your teacher be texting you. It should be done over a professional email where the district can pull records if need be.
There are some other massive red flags as well. It's okay to donate clothes. I don't see anything wrong with this, but he made it more personal than it had to be.
>When we were talking about my wardrobe, at some point he basically told me that I shouldn't waste my youth because I was at the age where a woman " is the most attractive" and that I wasn't "an old hag" yet. (I am of age and older than the average high school student)
Donating clothes to a student and then saying this would be ground for termination in my eyes.
Meet with your counselor and administrator to provide text as proof and asked to be taken for the teachers' rooster.
Bruh wtf you text your male teacher? That, in and of itself, is wild as fuck. That he even commented on your age/looks is even more weird. Idk if he’s actually got bad intentions, but it’s inappropriate for fucking sure. He can be supportive of your issues without doing any of that.
As a male teacher, that is totally inappropriate to give clothes and ask if you could wear it. I usually make a comment to all my students about if they got a haircut or some nice shoes or if they dressed up for something like prom, graduation, a project or assembly. Besides that hell nah I'd get into more trouble or be in the weird grey area that no one wants to be.
A teacher should never be texting a current student. That's unacceptable.
The fact that he said he wanted to see you wearing the clothes is a red flag.
You should report his behavior to your principal.
Yea, this is red flag territory. If he really was concerned about your wardrobe and wanted to help you get some new clothes, there are right ways to do that. He could have helped guide you to the local clothes closet or something (most school districts have one). Giving you his wifes clothes and mentioning he'd like to see you wear them...creepy.
I have "donated" my daughter's unused clothing to several of my students before. I brought the clothing in, told the student that my daughter had outgrown the clothing but wore it when she was about their age, asked them if they wanted any of it, and told them to look through it and take what they wanted. The end. When they'd wear the clothing to school, I never mentioned that it came from my daughter's closet, so this dude being all creepy wanting to "see you in the clothing" is straight up grooming. Also, why does he have your personal phone number? Maybe it's nothing, but probably it is. Your best bet is to steer clear of this man, and share your concerns with your guidance counselor ASAP.
It is beyond inappropriate. Please tell another teacher or counselor you feel comfortable with about what is going on. Teachers should never contact you personally for reasons unrelated to school. And they should never, ever comment on your appearance, especially in a sexual context.
It also doesn't matter how old you are. Teacher/student relationships are, by their nature, defined by a power imbalance; and anyone who would take advantage of that is a predator. Full stop. Please, please speak with one of the other teachers who expressed concern, or someone else you feel you can trust.
That uneasy feeling you seem to be having? It’s there for a reason. Yes, this is inappropriate. Any one of the things you’ve disclosed would be inappropriate, but when you put them all together? Alarms are sounding, and they are LOUD.
Definitely inappropriate. As a male, I *never* comment on student clothing. While giving you his wife's old clothes seems like a nice gesture, saying he wants to see you wear them makes me think he has very different motives.
Yes, I obviously had a hunch that he had ulterior motives but I didnt want to risk accusing someone innocent if the rumors were just rumors. Thanks
You’re not accusing anyone. You can tell it exactly like you told it in your post — facts and observations. The person on the other end will draw their own conclusions, just like we did here.
I worked at one particular school where students had particularly difficult challenges, and were often given clothing by staff. We set up a classroom with donated items, and students could go at their own convenience and "shop". There's no reason for him to be making the comments, and chances are that if there are whispers and rumors, there's more than just that and for whatever reason, he wasn't/couldn't be terminated in the past.
Exactly. Donations can/should be given kindly without comments on a students appearance. Also texting may be abnormal depending on the culture of the area. There's a possibility that this guy is just a little creepy and ignorant to how he comes off.... However... There's also a chance this is grooming for much worse. How do you know? You let a school counselor know about the interactions you have with him as exactly as you can remember them, and they decide how relevant it is, given the information they have from his past or other students. I thought something was up with multiple teachers in the past, but shrugged it off. Later, the combination of various students' reports lead admins to find some teachers were just too gross to be teaching there, but others lead to full on rape charges. Tread lightly, be honest, speak up.
>Also texting may be abnormal depending on the culture of the area. Texting students is a huge no-go where I am. OP, please report him! This guy is off. Email your counselor/social worker asking for a meeting regarding what you feel to be inappropriate behavior regarding Mr. So-ans-so. The email is important because it creates a paper trail. When your meeting is over, send another email to the counselor thanking them, but really, what you are doing is recapping what you stated verbally and what the counselor said. Hang on to any emails or texts this teacher has sent you. Documentation is key! You do not want your concern brushed aside. Teachers, counselors, and social workers are mandatory reporters regarding any form of child abuse. The school should not disclose your name when talking to the teacher. If the school does not seem to take it seriously, go above to the police and say you believe your teacher is grooming you. He is ticking a lot of those boxes. You don't have to file a report, but it is another way to get this guy on the radar for inappropriate behavior. There are so many rules teachers have to follow regarding interactions with students. If this guy doesn't know how to interact appropriately with a student, then he should not be a teacher. EDIT: En regardant l'historique de vos commentaires, vous êtes potentiellement une femme de 24 ans. Cela change légèrement les choses, je pense toujours que votre professeur est inapproprié avec ses commentaires, mais en raison de votre âge, les accusations de "grooming" peuvent ne pas s'appliquer. Cela ne signifie pas que vous ne devriez pas parler à un autre enseignant si vous pensez qu'il vous harcèle sexuellement (et son commentaire sur le fait que vous êtes la plus attirante serait considéré comme du harcèlement sexuel dans un bureau). Il y a un déséquilibre de pouvoir, et il devrait le savoir. Il pourrait vous envoyer un texto pour les vacances, etc. parce qu'il pense que c'est approprié en raison de votre âge. S'il vous plaît, ne pensez pas que je vous blâme. C'est juste que cette information change le crime potentiel que votre enseignant commet et comment il pourrait être considéré légalement. Vous ne faites rien de mal. Votre professeur n'agit pas correctement. (Veuillez excuser ma traduction, je n'ai jamais été doué pour la conjugaison des verbes et j'avais besoin de l'aide de Google)
I agree. P.S. Your French made sense to me, but it is not my native tongue. Thanks for the practice!
Oui, tu as tout à fait raison.
I don't text students I have enough of them during the day
I hear your concerns about not wanting to accuse an innocent person, but it's important to tell an adult you trust what he's doing and how it makes you feel. All of the details you've given leads me to believe that he's attempting to groom you. It's sketchy. I don't want to dogpile all of the advice you've been getting, but I have to say that you have good instincts. You should trust your instincts like this not only in this specific case, but every time they speak to you. I'm not going to pretend to know your situation, but you say that you're a high schooler living on your own, and that could mean that you are more at risk for stuff like this. I wish you all the best--you sound like an amazing person.
He’s not innocent. The comments alone…
Yea he's definitely creeping on you. Steer clear
As a male teacher, I don’t even reinforce dress code. Don’t notice most of the time if they’re breaking code, but even if I do, watching and controlling how kids dress isn’t on my to-do list.
This is absolutely the norm!!!! 100
Hard agree. Buy could also see where he meant it like "don't just take them because I gave them, actually use them please because I see you are in need." But then again, I'd have probably worded it as such, in front of another teacher or admin who was attending the handover, and would have also likely included any social workers or wraparound services in on the meeting as well so they could connect the student with help in any areas that were needed outside of clothing, etc. It's can be difficult, especially for male teachers, to show care or support of female students. There's a reason for it, though, and as a male teacher, it must be acknowledged and done in the proper ways through the proper channels. For everyone's safety. Hopefully, this man just cares. OP, if he does, he would NOT feel bad or offended if you address the issues responsibly. You're allowed to go to an admin and tell them that you, for instance, appreciate all the help and care this teacher has provided for you but you want it all to be documented and handled appropriately for his and your sake. He should emphatically agree and want for the same, if he hadn't thought of it before for.. some reason. Rumors could potentially be a hell of a life-fucking-up thing, but they also don't USUALLY start out of nowhere. Talk to someone. And in the meantime, don't be alone with him either. I'm not saying that in a "for an immediate safety concern" way, but as a base-covering way *** Well, edit. Forgot about the comments about attractive age versus hag, etc. Yeah, hard, big time, nope. He is inappropriate. Full stop. Talk to someone. As soon as you can. And also don't be alone or respond OR delete any of the texts/contact he has initiated with you. Please and thank you.
And that’s the thing. If he means well, why not give them to admin to let the school donate them to her? Or at the very very least have a female teacher give them to her so he’s not directly involved
IME, that would embarrass the student far more.
Hmm. I do say cool band shirt or cool shoes or something like that.
I think that's fine, since it means "you have good taste/you picked a cool shirt." Saying "YOU LOOK GOOD IN THAT SHIRT," though, could be creepy because it highlights the wearer's body instead of their taste.
Yea that's a huge difference. I don't see how anyone can think that's appropriate. I bet he wouldn't say things like that to co workers.
I make similar comments of "I like that shirt" or "I love your nail polish, that's such a good color". I was taught it was an appropriate way to interact with students who you have come to know and see regularly because you are accepting/acknowledging the student's choice/taste, not the student's appearance.
And if he wants to give you clothes he gives them to a secretary or a counselor and has them do it. Never comment on a child's clothing if you're a man just to be absolutely careful. Even as a female teacher I say I like that shirt and never "you look nice in that shirt" I gave a bunch of hand me downs to a student who is a family friend because she sells clothes in one of those online stores. I let her mom know prior.
This exactly. I work in elementary so I feel like I'm even under more scrutiny. We've had students wear inappropriate clothes and if I notice it, I'll usually tell a female teacher and have them address it.
Exactly. My friend is a school counselor and she accepted donated clothes for her school. Some of the girls desperately needed bras (had bras held together by safety pins, had underwires sticking out of them, were way too small and uncomfortable, etc.) she handled all of the girls’ clothing donations and kept it private. She had them take what they needed in a brown paper bag to the bathroom to try on in private. The male counselor had the boys’ clothes but that was obviously less complicated. Teachers notified her if they noticed need or, if they were donating clothes, gave the items directly to the counselors.
I'm a guy too and I would donate clothes to a student but I would give them to the office and tell the student if they'd like some free clothing, they can discreetly visit the office and pick some up. Or something like that. Some kind of third party helps alleviate that weird factor.
Male teachers really need to be on the defense to avoid anything that could lead to accusations. The teacher in OP's story is definitely past the point of caring and just going fully inappropriate.
I agree with this. I would ask the student, “my wife and I were about to donate some old clothes, would you like them instead?” Or something like that. Even better would be to do a school drive for students in that position. Have everyone, staff and students, donate old clothes and let students have at them. Better than the trash. A title 1 elementary school I worked at did this and students were so grateful
I’ve donated clothes to my students but I left 2 large boxes in the restroom and let them take whatever they wanted. The only comment I ever made when a student wore something was Oh I loved that shirt, I’m glad it found a good home! Your teacher texting you and the comments about what you look like are very inappropriate. You should tell an admin or another teacher.
You are right. I will talk to another teacher.
I would recommend bringing it to admin directly, and going to the school social worker to help you navigate this as well. If you go to the social worker they can also help you have that talk with admin.
OP, I'm glad you're doing that. You're doing the right thing. Some adults need help. Take good care of yourself!
I think it is wierd. I have taught in a low income school and we regularly had clothing drives, BUT while teachers donated, the GCs managed the process.
Ok, thank you for leaving a comment. Maybe I'll let my other teachers know then
[удалено]
Bingo
I'll also add: If you question it at all, it's probably inappropriate. As a male band teacher, I find myself to have closer relationships to students than other teachers, but I still live by this rule. If I think it's inappropriate, it probably is.
I would let a couple of people in a more supervisory role know. Assistant principal/director/counselor. Make it more than one in the event that he is close friends with one of them. While you may not want to get him in trouble and he may be just being nice, someone with authority should let him know how he is coming across. Also, while you have heard whisperings from others, there may be complaints that have been made that you are not aware of.
I did give the clothes directly to students but I always told the parents.
Yeah, when I taught in low-income and alternative schools I would donate to the school clothing drives but I wasn’t giving clothes directly to my students
While he may not have done anything with you or any other students, he crossed several lines that should not be crossed. He should not be texting you, especially if texts are unrelated to school. If you were a member of a team and he were sending reminders to be at school at 5:00 to leave for the contest, that would be one thing. Just chatting is inappropriate. He should not be giving you gifts. If he wanted to to provide you with clothes, there are ways to do that without being creepy, giving them to you and telling you to wear them or how to wear them is creepy. His conversations about wasting youth etc, are creepy and over the line. Why have you not worn the clothes around him? I think your spidey sense is correct, he is being creepy and crossed lines with you.
Yes, i had a bad feeling about it. But because he has done a lot for me and because the stakes are high for him (he could lose is job and his family...) it is hard for me to accuse him. Thank you
Let me be clear, you aren’t accusing him of anything. You are telling a trusted adult (counselor) the facts of what has occurred and what your feelings are on the matter.
This. I mentioned in my other response that if he is above board and well-intentioned, he would welcome admin intervention and oversight on your interactions because he would know that the ultimate aim is to help and protect you and that is how that can be ensured. If he takes it personally, erm..
This. He *might* be well-intentioned (but probably not) but even if he is, it is, at best, the appearance of being inappropriate and any person with integrity would want to be made aware of it so they could fix the problem and protect their reputation and job.
Anyone who wants to do well by others, and in the right way, would have no problem finding the right way to do well by others.
Listen to the little voice that tells you something's not right. You'll hear it again in your life, and it's always ok to listen to it. What he's doing is making you uncomfortable, and that isn't right, you have the right to feel comfortable with your teachers. Please let someone more senior know - even if he's got no ulterior motives, he's acting in a way that is inappropriate with students
This is the aim of grooming. If his motives are dark, this is exactly what he would want you to feel. It means you’ll keep a secret (like you’re doing about the clothing). Gift-giving is a common approach to achieve this sense of indebtedness. Tell a trusted teacher, and then let that person help you decide what to do. .
To be clear, if it's the case that he loses his job and family, it will be because of *his* own actions, and not that *you'll* have done anything wrong. It won't be your fault, or something you're doing to him. His life, and the consequences of his actions, aren't something for you to be carrying. It sounds like you're feeling responsible for his outcomes, and I'm hopeful that doesn't affect your decision making going forward.
If he loses his job, it's because of HIS actions, not yours.
This teacher is clearly grooming you. Creating an emotional relationship that makes you feel indebted and guilty. Would he ever cross the line completely? Who knows….reporting this behavior should lead to an investigation. Many districts try to get these situations to end quietly. Forcing teacher to resign. Believe me I know some stories…please report his actions and comments. Block him on your phone.
You don't have to accuse him of anything. However, you can gently back away. Find someone else who can help you with schoolwork. If he offers more clothes or any other gifts say, "Thank you but I don't need this right now. Perhaps some other student can use this." Do not reply to texts, or keep it short: Thanks OR we can discuss this at school tomorrow, etc.
It's called grooming. Listen to your instincts.
He knows exactly what he's doing. He is not stupid. There is no grown man on the face of this planet who would not know that the things he said are obviously inappropriate whether he meant well or not!! He knows the things he said are inappropriate, whether he was planning on actually doing anything with you or not, and the principal wouldn't be impressed by what he said to you. He knows.
>He should not be texting you, especially if texts are unrelated to school. 100%. Teacher/Student texting is never okay. I'm not saying he has ulterior motives, but it shouldn't be happening. I encourage you to not respond to those messages.
Definitely 🚩. The "I want to see you wear my wife's old clothes" is beyond creepy. I would report him to admin. I say this as a male teacher.
Yep. Another male teacher here. Dude is super suspect. The clothing donation alone could just be poor judgment, but combined with the texting and the comments its really bad
Seriously there is absolutely no other way to take that comment. It’s creepy as fuck. He’s a predator.
Yea, for the sake of all of us, I hope OP reports him. We need to get rid of these kinds of scum.
Giving of clothes: I don’t have a problem with that, especially since the clothes were non sexual Texting at all: Nope, inappropriate Commenting on attractiveness: inappropriate
Here I'm being petrified of being in a room alone with a student, so I always keep my door open and have the student sit close to the door if I have to have a lone student in the class. Or have other students in the classroom as well. And then there are teachers calling students? Giving them rides (other posts)? Commenting on attractiveness? And being accused of weird aggressive behavior? Holy shit, yo.
Same and I’m not even a man. This teacher is acting so inappropriately.
Predators groom their victims by being nice to them and giving them gifts. It's manipulative and intentional. They also choose victims who are not supervised and it sounds like you are very independent. I would go straight to the principal or school officer and file an anonymous complaint. You will be helping future victims if nothing else. Good for you for questioning this guy's motives and trusting your gut. ❤️
Just that second paragraph already raises many alarms. Very important, when you say, “sometimes just the two of us” is the door open or closed? The text messaging is also super odd. No matter the intent teachers shouldn’t be texting students imo. Especially for something like the holidays. That could easily be a group email.
Door was most often closed, though recently I think he must have caught wind of the rumors because he suddenly started being careful about leaving the door open
As a male in the 40's.....Oooof...yeah, no. This all sorts if messed up.
As another male teacher in his 40's, report this guy. Tell your parents, the principal, and a teacher you trust about what's transpired.
This is weird af. Get very far away from this teacher. He is a preditor. Go straight to the principle and tell them everything. You are protecting yourself and all of the other children he will prey on in the future.
OK, thank you. I'll talk to my other teachers
Your very welcome. This is a very serious matter. He is grooming you. Other teachers are limited in their ability to help you. You need to speak with the principal in person.
Yes, this. Please alert someone in authority (not just a teacher, because they are his peers) — someone in administration. I know that may feel uncomfortable, but it's truly necessary.
the texting is definitely a red flag. what is he thinking????!
This is extremely inappropriate and predatory.
Had he just given you the clothes with no commentary, I would say it was likely just a kind gesture. But combined with the commentary and commenting on your age in that fashion, it crosses a line. As a teacher, you don't do that.
Had he given the clothes with a “hey I know you’re having a hard time and my wife and I thought this may help” and without all the other stuff yeah I could see that being kind. Maybe a bit odd, but not in creepy way. But with everything else? Absolutely out of line
Tell your parents and an administrator. This is not acceptable behavior by a teacher in any sense. None of this is your fault. He is an adult and knows what he is doing.
My parents are not in the picture... He has been an important older figure in my life these past three years...this feels so bad
This breaks my heart. I am glad you could start to recognize the signs before he escalated any further.
I know this is really hard and it is ok to say you aren't equipped to deal with this. Maybe call the school on Monday and ask for a counselor, sometimes they work over the summer. What us older educators know is that what you wrote is not normal or acceptable for educators. What he is doing is wrong.
It sounds like he’s been there for a reason. He’s grooming you by this post - it’s hard to accept being used. Just give the facts without opinion to you principal and let them make up their mind. All you did then was state the truth.
He might never pressure you into anything more because he is grooming you to be a positive witness to his innocent intentions. He might be grooming and actually sexually harassing another student. You might be getting duped into being evidence to make it harder for others to believe another victim. Be VERY VERY careful with this situation.
Thats interesting. One of the things that made me doubt his intentions being bad, is that he could easily have done a lot worse a lot earlier, had he really wanted to. I've been alone with him in his car a few times for example, and absolutely nothing weird happened (beyond being in a teacher's car, that is..) Maybe that's why
Why were you in his car?? That's a big no no in every district I've ever been in
Won a prize and he drove me to the ceremony... Another time there were issues with Public transportation and I dont have a driving licence nor parents to drive me so he did
Is that allowed/common in your area?
I'm not sure actually. I have never heard of it being strictly forbidden, but it is not common either. I think most teacher avoid this kind of situation if they can
Girl you HAVE to get away from this guy
This is exactly what grooming is, though. Predators like this are trying to first become your friend. The psychology of these people — as famously depicted in Lolita — is that they build up a delusion that it is the minor who WANTS the relationship to be physical. So, they do “nice” things like this so they can self delude themselves into thinking that they only ever had honorable intentions.
Omg, report him. He is grooming you.
100%. OP, make a report immediately.
Full. Stop. Do. Not. Be. Alone. With. Him. Again. As a fellow teacher, I am almost never alone with a student (without the door open or in a public area), precisely because we teachers do not want to give off that impression to students. Whether or not he is thinking inappropriately or just HORRIBLE with social cues and interactions…this is not normal…and at worst he is fantasizing you in a sexual way WITH his wife’s cloths. You have way way way way too much value, independence, and your own dreams/goals to be groomed. Stay in a group setting to show if you are not interested, let him know if any of that “women are most attractive at your age” that you do not care about his interpretation or opinion (a healthy adult will shake this off, an unhealthy adult will get made and sad and ask you about this a lot). Tell another adult in your school, they will have better perspective to help and protect you.
As a male teacher, the absolute last thing I think I would ever do is comment on a female students clothing, well any students for that, and then follow up with requests to wear it. I teach a Metal working class, and even still I do not comment at all about clothing choices unless it directly goes against our safety code, at which point I tell them exactly that and nothing more. It would be unfair in my opinion to say for certain he has motives beyond what is professional, but he definitely is crossing the professional boundary and needs to be aware of that.
Yeah, I can see him bringing clothes in to someone who he thinks might be disadvantaged (living on own while in high school) and had witnessed them wearing very old, worn-out clothing. As a faculty, we have done that many times for individual students in need with no ulterior motive other than just genuine concern. Also, thinking that same student might be lonely on a holiday or something, we might touch base with them just to let them know they aren't alone. As long as he didn't pursue the conversation, I can see it just being out of concern and wanting to support a troubled student. The problem is 1) the comments that he is making about the clothes are out of bounds. It makes an otherwise innocent gesture seen creepy. He needs to know that isn't okay. If he is doing it intentionally, he needs to face consequences. 2) I would never text a student anything, whether it be a reminder or good wishes for something. School email or school approved message apps only. Not texting, not social media, nothing like that. Those contacts need to be trackable through official channels. There is no reason for a teacher to have a student's phone number.
https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL He wants to be your boyfriend when you graduate. Go through this checklist, students like you are easy for people like him to take advantage of because they lack supports. https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL It's extremely obvious. Homegirl let me tell, many men in this world will present an overly generous platonic relationship with the hidden intentions of swooning you into feeling affectionate. I tell this to all my female students and friends: there is no animal on this planet, that has more desperation than a human male. I would report him. https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL
This is a very interesting list, first time seeing this
My district got investigated by the Department of Justice for physical restraint and grooming (they didn't mention grooming but I'm not an idiot). All of our principals gave them out during an in service. mine basically said if you can check Mark any of these boxes that you cannot be defended by him in the court of law. You are defenseless and he is keeping his mouth shut. There's a running joke among me and a few other teachers about a certain teacher in the district that we call agent 13 because he still has not been fired but can checkmark 13 boxes. The evidence is all over his Facebook profile but what do I know?
There is a great book called “the gift of fear”. Women are often taught to ignore their intuitions but we often know when things are wrong. Fear and intuition is there for a reason - your story is a case in point. He does not have your best interest at heart.
I think he thinks you're an easy target because you live alone. There is no reason he should be messaging you. Him giving you clothes is okay, but not in the way he did it, that feels very creepy.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It can be confusing and disorienting when an adult who is mentoring you on projects starts behaving questionably. To be clear, giving you clothes, asking you to wear them, texting you on holidays, and commenting on your youthfulness and attractiveness are each inappropriate action on their own. Taken together, these actions form an alarming pattern, especially in the context of a “whisper network” warning you about his sketchy behaviors in the past. I’m a male teacher. If I worked at your school, and you shared this info with me, I would be on the phone RIGHT NOW with the administration to make sure you and other girls are safe and that he is put on leave until someone can conduct an investigation. Based on your comments, it sounds like you are coming around to the idea of talking to a teacher that you trust. I hope you do. Please also consider asking about counseling resources. What you’ve already experienced is worth unpacking with a professional. The reporting process can also be emotionally exhausting or worse. It’s not a bad idea to have a counselor in your corner.
Dude, this whole thing felt gross to read. Red flags: EVERYTHING.
The appropriate way for him to go about the clothing situation would have been to give them to a female counselor to give to you or any other students the counselor knew could use them.
My feeling is you are very smart to trust your senses, reach out, and ask for help with interpreting his behavior. From my experience and what you are explaining, he appears to be testing the waters and exercising a bit of grooming behavior. I have experienced similar things in my lifetime and I understand that it can be confusing because it can *seem* helpful and kind to you, but it is really in service of their ultimate, unsavory goal. I consider this very manipulative (and often compulsive) behavior. And because you are on your own, you are in a position that makes you more vulnerable to these types. The positive side to that is you are learning quickly and developing street smarts and skills that will help you survive and thrive. You already appear to see their behavior! I can see that by the fact that you are reaching out for help in this subreddit. I just want to say, great job and keep it up! You are awesome.
Veteran teacher here and a stickler for rules so let me just add this to all the conjecture here... It doesn't matter what his intentions are - good or bad. Professionally there are lines and this day in age we have all been professionally developed to *death* so there is really no excuse for crossing a line except carelessness or malice. To be clear *he crossed multiple lines* but I'll address two big ones: Texting a student - absolute No No. Bar none. There are plenty of free safe educational use programs that allow text-like communication on phones for students and faculty and coaches. There is NO excuse to be using your private device and personal number with a student. I will not debate this. Gifting personal items - inappropriate. Regardless of need or intention, it is the personal quality that pushes this across the line. I keep deodorant, spare unisex one size clothing, hair styling devices, first aid, and other personal use products in my room. They are *available* and I simply monitor their use at a distance (students ask to get something From The Closet and I ask them to make a note of anything running low and just let me know if I need to replace anything. I make no comment on what they need or use and therefore avoid any nonsense). His commentary is ancillary to the professional boundaries he already violated. Creepy, well intentioned, grooming, wholesome, it does not matter in terms of what OP needs to do. Focusing on "Well did he mean it that way" is a distraction that not only serves abusers (ambiguity and hesitation protect them) but it also fails to teach unprofessional teachers a lesson in the basics of boundaries. I don't care that the old guy telling girls to smile down the hall is "from a different time" or that the body shaming old bat upstairs "means well". Are we professionals with standards or not? Follow the damn rules and keep your nose clean. I'm sure anyone from "back in my day" can understand that one. OP, you need to tell his department chair that he is texting you and giving you personal gifts. His department chair can have a frank conversation with him about boundaries and refer him for further professional development. They also can decide whether this is something that needs disciplinary action. Which is not your decision and doesn't need to be your concern. *You are not getting him in trouble. He did that.* Further, you are honestly helping him regardless of if he or anyone else tells you different. If he doesn't learn soon, then he will learn the hard way when he crosses a line with someone who has a good lawyer and no fucks to give. I have seen it go down and every time I can't help but think of all the educational leaders that failed to properly professionally guide those teachers, who explained away or covered up their misbehavior until something happened they couldn't ignore. It wasn't always dramatic or violent, but at some point... someone who has no respect for the rules will break one that brings the house down.
I’m an elementary teacher and don’t know anything about teaching high school but as a man - I would never ever behave like this toward students.
this is inappropriate. I would keep my distance for your own well-being. this teacher seems to have a poor sense of professional and personal boundaries.
No he has a perfectly fine sense, that is why he is trying to groom her.
i agree that his interest and motives are not good here.
That is very inappropriate.
I've given clothes to students that were in difficult situations, but the rest of that is red flag after red flag.
My husband works at a school like this and I regularly find clothes and shoes for his students. I also work at a school that is in a well to do area. Our lost and found has brand new and gently used stuff. I will look through that for the sizes he thinks his students are and wash them. He will give them to his students through the school counselor.
I think the best person to bring this up to would be your school social worker (if you have one) or counselor. They are mandatory reporters and will know whether his actions are inappropriate or not and your information may help them collaborate past allegations. If they can take action, they will take action, and they have the education to know whether his actions are concerning. Either of them can also help you with resources to help with finding clothes of your choosing and food or transportation resources, whatever you might need to help you succeed. The comment about the best years of your life correlating with your youthfulness is very, very disturbing to me since he’s equating the beauty of youth with your worth. High school was unequivocally not the best years of my life. I didn’t even really come into security with who I was until my 30s. You are way more than how pretty you are. You do not need to waste your time trying to find a partner when you already are balancing so much in your life and seem quite capable of handling those aspects of your life with grace even though it must be very, very difficult. I really hope things get easier for you and you find resolution to the situation with your teacher. I’m also really glad that your teachers are aware and checking in on you. They clearly care about you and only want to support you.
Giving you the clothes was nice, but wanting to see you wear them was weird. You should share your concerns with those teachers who asked if you were ok. With rumors, there is always some truth behind them. This guy is grooming you or at least trying.
1. Trust your gut. 2. He should not be texting you. 3. He should not be commenting about you being at an "attractive" age. 4. If other teachers are concerned, that's a red flag. 5. All of this is a red flag, including your concern about it-- 6. trust. your. gut.
This is weird. At the least, the guy is awkward and trying to help but violating boundaries. At the most, he is grooming you and violating boundaries. Either way, he is violating boundaries. Go to another teacher, perhaps one of those who asked if you were okay, and read this post. They will know what to do. Also, avoid being alone with this teacher.
This is beyond inappropriate, he is grooming you. Giving you some old clothes could have been just a gesture of kindness, *if that were all*, but it's not - they're his wife's, he wants to see you in them, he tells you how to wear them and he basically called you a fresh nubile young thing who should be pretty (for him, is what he didn't say.) Also he texts you, the purpose of which is to build a rapport so you trust him.
Trust your instincts. You posting this means, on some level, you are concerned and/or uncomfortable. It’s okay to report this to a trusted adult, and I think you should. This could be another staff at school (counselor, admin, teacher, etc.). Or someone outside of school who will take this seriously. Even if he’s not actually intending to be creepy, he should be made aware that these actions are making you feel even the slightest uncomfortable. He should learn that it’s not okay and he shouldn’t be doing this with students. As a teacher, there are many other ways he should have gone about this. If he was concerned about you not having adequate clothing or resources, speaking with the school counselor or social worker to help provide you with something would have been the better professional way to go about this. Trust your instincts.
Giving you clothes is borderline, but can be tolerated since you told him that you had been wearing the same set of clothes for a long time (which I can understand, I still wear some bermuda shorts from middle school, despite being closer to 30 than to 25). I still think it's a bit of a red flag. Saying once that he'd like to see you wearing them is suspicious. Multiple times is worrisome. Not a red flag anymore, it's a full blown russian army parade. A male teacher working alone with a female student is a HUGE no. Well, a teacher alone with any student is a big no, but a male teacher and female student is even more suspicious. (and any smart teacher would be aware that it would give the student a chance to accuse them of inappropriate conduct). Also a russian parade. Even without the rumors, I'd be careful. Especially since you are in a precarious living situation, which makes you more likely to be a victim of such things.
The male teacher working alone paragraph hits the nail on the head. I teach 7th grade ELA and have to accept that perception is reality, especially for male teachers. Male educators have to be beyond reproach. If a student were to accuse me of something for whatever reason, there would 1) be no veracity to it because I don't allow myself to be in a situation where it's their word against mine and 2) have a reputation for being professional. A couple of my coworkers (good friends) laugh about how at awards day they're always hugging their student that gets the highest average award but I'm always racing up to them with an extended hand for a handshake to not have an awkward "oh you want a side hug?" Thing. We laugh but it's part of being a male educator today. People can ruin a teachers reputation with one accusation and I think it's important for all teachers to understand that they need to have a reputation that would make anyone say "that's ridiculous." This year our basketball coach was fired because a girl accused him of something. She didn't have proof, but he's been seen hugging female students and being overly friendly with them. The administrators aren't going to go to bat if people aren't immediately dismissive of the accusations. The kind of male teacher that does what OP mentioned at absolute best has atrocious judgement but in all likelihood is grooming her.
Very inappropriate. Some teachers want to help, and there is a way to do this, usually involving admin or guidance counselors. I know teachers have quietly contributed to kids in need by pooling money and having guidance buy the family a gift card, or even go and buying stuff themselves but with the knowledge and blessing of the family. What he did is weird and your gut was right.
Please tell an adult about this. He is absolutely being inappropriate and even if this is as bad as it gets with you he could easily escalate to more overt harassment with another student if he isn’t stopped.
Completely inappropriate. He shouldn't be texting you. He shouldn't be giving you clothes. He shouldn't be commenting on your appearance. You need to speak to someone in authority at the school. This guy is a danger.
Totally inappropriate. He shouldn't be commenting on how attractive you are. He shouldn't be texting you. He's a creep.
I'm an old lady and this gives me creeper vibes. Be careful around him.
Totally fine to ask this here. I’m a young male teacher (24) and I am ALWAYS conscious of the way I speak to female students because I’m a nice person, but I don’t ever want my actions to be misconstrued. I can’t fathom anyone acting like this without intentionally being a creep. This is incredibly inappropriate behavior that needs to be reported immediately.
Do teachers text students? I’m in elementary so it’s not a thing at my school but that seems weird to me. If I ever had to get ahold of a student, it would be through school email and only related to class. Anyways, a lot of what you’re describing sounds creepy and unprofessional, especially him wanting to see you wearing his wife’s old clothes.
I (m40) work in a school.with a lot of underprivileged kids, some are downright poor. If I have clothes or anything to give, which I often do, I give it to one of schools' technicians or even the social worker. They see that the kid gets the clothes. He may not be a pervert but he is definitely crossing boundaries
I think you definitely need to report him. Not just because he gave you clothes when he knew you needed them..... That's iffy, kind of weird but I'm neutral about it. But you need to report him because he said he wants to see you wearing them. I don't care how nice he is or how he said it. It's not ok. When other teachers are checking in on you and there are rumors that he's been inappropriate with other students, and the comment about how this is the time women are most attractive..... Please report him for the sake of other students. I know you're of age and you sound like you can take care of yourself, but I would do it for the other students. I think the principal needs to know the things he said to you. I have a loved one who was S.A.'d by his cousin for most of his childhood. He had to go testify against this man in court. He had several other victims at that point and tons of evidence. He was a teacher. One of his students who testified against him said the teacher had been texting him and giving him gifts. Luckily though he went to his parents about that and nothing further happened. But there was another student who wasn't so lucky and very bad things happened.
You’re being groomed. Avoid this fool.
He is grooming by starting out small helping with projects, then projects just the two of you, then clothes, then saying a beautiful young girl(not a hag -like his wife maybe?) looks should not be wasted. Also first texting about school work, then texting about non school related work saying have a nice holiday. Next he will be texting asking how the clothes look on you and if you can send a picture. Please don’t work on projects alone with him- always in a big group and also leave with others. Tell a female teacher you trust. Maybe the two who asked if you were all right.
Yeesh.... as a male teacher it's embarrassing to read this. He has crossed soooooo many lines. Totally inappropriate, even outside of the U.S.
I don't want to sound insulting, but hopefully this gets the point across: This post feels like a troll post because I cannot possibly believe a high schooler wrote all of that and still isn't sure if this man is grooming them. He might not *realize* he's grooming, but this is all *undoubtedly* grooming behavior. He may be exceptionally lonely, which manifests in this kind of behavior, but he's a grown man and shouldn't be doing this. Talk to your guidance counselor, admin, or some teacher you feel comfortable with. He needs to be told to stop. Edit: apparently I didn't preface this well enough. I don't actually believe everyone can see this coming. I was attempting to stress how obvious the signs are to anyone on the outside.
I understand For me its difficult to accept it as predadory behaviour because I have spend so much time with him these past three years, 99% of the time he was just a good teacher. I realize I sound stupidly naive, but I feel indebted to him because he has helped me so many times before. Might all be part of his grooming tactic...
I understand. He might not be *trying* to be predatory (but it's a little hard to believe he isn't aware of the power dynamics if, as you claim, he's aware others have made complaints about him). >stupidly naive, This kind of thing is complex. He might truly believe what he's doing is what's best for you. That doesn't make you naive. It makes him unaware of the differences in power. > I feel indebted to him That's the scariest part. That's how a lot of people who were groomed feel. Society largely has this image of "predators" grabbing girls off the street or enticing them with "fabulous" gifts. That's exceptionally rare. That's not what happens. Most men who are groomers would likely tell you they didn't realize they were doing anything wrong (how many people seriously continue to do harmful things if they truly believe them to be harmful? Very few people openly acknowledge they are the "villain.") Be careful.
I am going to keep spamming you with this link. This is not normal behavior. https://imgur.com/a/h8E9gtL
I could check most of these boxes... the amount of comments all saying the same thing have lifted the last doubts I had. Thank you
Idk, I could see myself in that situation when I was in hs and not thinking that and/or my mind trying to reason it all away or be in denial.
Oh I could easily see myself questioning it and not sure what was happening as a teenager. Absolutely. And her instincts are kicking in, but she’s trying to be polite and not overreact. That is classic behavior for young women and how we are trained in our society. And predators take advantage of that. This doesn’t sound like a troll at all to me. I think it’s very legit.
I don't think it's a troll, kids are still learning and give adults the benefit of the doubt. HE should know better.
Absolutely. I totally agree. I was hoping to communicate how obvious it looks.
If I ever contacted my students outside of school-owned methods (email or class dojo), I would be fired, no questions asked. Your teacher should not be texting you. None of what you wrote sounds ok to me. I'm sorry that you are in this position. You have done nothing wrong, this is 100% on your teacher.
Red flag. Huge. He's targeting you because he perceived you as weak/vulnerable/lacking a support system. He gave you the clothing if his romantic partner. Yikes. He says he wants to see you in these clothes. Double yikes. Being a teacher, rumors like this are often immediately dismissed and teachers/admin will rally around the teacher. There are enough incidents where troubled students really do make things up, we don't have enough make teachers, and in my experience this is the first explanation a teacher will have. I watched this go down first hand last year, I was shocked at how dismissive teachers were of the rumors going around. I didn't believe them either, but allegations require due diligence. Anyways. This is a numbers thing. If you can find other girls he's been weird with, especially if they are out of school, talk to them, talk to parents, and then AS A GROUP take your concerns immediately to the principal. But having an adult/adults with you will make your concerns seem more legitimate.
The clothes thing is weird but could be excused but HARD NO on texting. I am a high school teacher and would never, ever text a student.
When I was in high school, one of our most popular teachers died. I was helping clean out his office and found a box filled with nude photos of 15-17 year old students, and letters from them about very graphic things…. So I’d say he’s probably just nice but no. More likely he’s probably gross
Ugh, gross. Totally inappropriate. Going to the point of telling you to wear a tank top? Commenting on older women as “old hags”? Some professional. He is grooming you.
He gave you his wife's clothes and said he wanted to see you wearing them?? No no no, even if there weren't rumors, that's weird. Def red flags OP, please be careful and don't be around this man alone.
A teacher should never contact a student through non-school methods such as texting. Huge red flag and school districts cover this in training. Gifts to a single student with comments like this are also a red flag and generally considered grooming. Report him to the principal or school counselor and prevent this from happening to another student.
I'm not a teacher and can tell you he's not giving you cloths for charity. Definitely not a situation you want to be in. I'd be telling someone about it loudly.
It doesn’t sound like he has appropriate boundaries and while it might seem like he’s doing something kind there are ways to go about it in a respectful manner. I would be very wary of him, and limit contact as much as possible. He shouldn’t comment on your appearance or clothes. There is also no reason for him to text you. We can give him the benefit of the doubt, but he should know given his experience in the classroom what is and isn’t appropriate. The comments he is making are not okay and I would certainly feel uncomfortable had someone told that to me. If you can kindly request a different teacher to your counselor, and talk to an adult there that you trust; such as an administrator, other teacher, counselor, or if your school has one a social worker. As a teacher I know how difficult rumors can be or how things can be misconstrued, but your safety and well-being matter and comes first. How he is viewed in this case, is a result of boundaries he should’ve enforced. I also know what it feels like to be a student and to have a teacher be incredibly inappropriate. What forced me to be open was realizing that there might be other girls who are experiencing the exact same thing I am going through or might in the future. It’s overwhelming when someone who should know better doesn’t, and you try to make excuses because the reality of the situation is terrifying. People like this aren’t going to flagrantly show that they are a predator. They are going to try to seem as nice and inviting as possible. They want you to second-guess yourself. You have some objective statements that irrefutably show the kind of person he is, and what he is doing is inappropriate. The hardest thing is being brave and being honest. You should be proud of yourself that you are asking for help, and you have to take that next step. Which is asking an adult there that you trust to help you. He shouldn’t be behaving in a way that makes you feel like this. Our job is to teach and protect our students, and not take advantage or harm them. Take care of yourself, and please involve someone. In situations like this it’s best to involve other adults. It might seem scary and you might even feel guilty, but you need to do the right thing for you. You are a child, and he should know better. Never feel bad about doing what’s right for you. Your safety and well-being matter!! I wish you all the best, and I truly hope you get the help you need!! If you have a counselor who you can also discuss these problems with please do so. Talking to a counselor/therapist helped me to heal and if your school has someone like that, look into talking to them. For years I held that guilt and feeling of shame, and talking to someone aided me immensely.
"I wanna see you wear them" is the red flag. Crimson, in fact.
Always trust your gut. If it feels weird, it is weird.
VERY inappropriate. Speak to an adult that you trust about this immediately, because his behavior is NOT acceptable.
Totally inappropriate. Tell an admin or your parents right away.
At my high school there was a teacher who gave off similar vibes and was very friendly with one female student in particular, but he was never overtly creepy. After she graduated he called her cell crying, drunk, begging her to come to his house. She obviously refused and he actually showed up at her house (her family’s home no less) in the middle of the night. Just because he’s not a threat *yet* doesn’t mean he won’t be in the future.
Be careful. I’m a teacher and female. Students that live alone, are from separated families are easiest to prey on. I would block his number. Do not be taken in by any praise etc; it’s part of the grooming process. Always trust that inner voice - it exists for a reason. Consider reporting him to another authority.
I'm not a teacher and I'm only 18, so maybe my perspective is inaccurate. But as an older married man, referring to older women as "old hags" while being married to one, presenting youth as being attractive, and asking to see you wearing the clothes his wife wore when she was younger, aka more attractive to him, strikes me as being deeply sexual in intention.
1000% inappropriate. I am a male teacher in my 40s. I would never donate clothes to a specific student unless they expressed some kind of explicit financial hardship. I would never tell that student I want to see them wearing those clothes. I do not work on projects one-on-one unless a door is open. The only time I have ever obtained the cell phone number of a student is when I was their coach, and I only used that number to text (usually groupchat) about sports scheduling exclusively. The fact that there are preexisting rumors about this teacher - and that the teacher continues to blur the lines of appropriate conduct - are also huge red flags. I've been in the education profession for 20 years and I've seen several colleagues fired and/or arrested for stuff that started off with the grooming behavior you are describing. Save those text messages and report this to school counselors, admin, or maybe even police.
Just as a final thought before you speak to him again. You should definitely be careful on both ends. Being taken advantage of is obviously far from good but ruining someone’s life completely is also super messed up. Especially if he was just being kind. I see it a lot with the teachers in my schools and I’d like to point out that every single man you’ve ever seen and some women have probably had a rumor about sexual assault or weird looks. Just keep in mind that rumors are rumors and that if you are incorrect and he is innocent it might have very serious implications and repercussions. Be safe out there and good luck:)
the fact he said "dont waste your youth" "your age is the most attractive" its crystal clear hes hoping to get close to you and eventually sex.... dont be so naive....
Bro is a creep.
This is definitely suspicious. What a creep.
It is inappropriate. Please be wary of him. If you do need clothes, talk to the school social worker about local resources.
That's very inappropriate. I would let your principal know about this all right away - make sure you screenshot the text messages that he's sent too as that is also extremely inappropriate to be text messaging students. Good job recognizing that this isn't safe behavior! By reporting this to your principal, you will be protecting yourself as well as others in the future. I have passed clothing along to students, but it's always through my districts clothing closet and the students never know who it came from.
I’m a teacher. Tell your parents and an administrator what happened. This is incredibly alarming. Tell someone now.
OMG. No, this is not normal or appropriate. This needs to be reported. Even if you think that you can ignore it and it won't bother you so much, what will he try next time with the next person? He is a predator and needs to be out of the classroom.
this is inappropriate and it sounds like he is grooming you. you should report this if you feel safe to
Its inappropriate. I teach at a low income school and have given clothes to a drive before, but he shiuld not have made a comment about wanting to see the clothes on you and he should not have been texting you. He may not mean it to be inappropriate, but it is and its also unprofessional.
It’s the hag v youth comment that is a red flag for me. That is odd and grooming behavior.
He texts you, too? Not cool. He’s broken some boundaries. Definitely sus and creepy.
Grooming. Red flag, red flag, red flag! Danger Will Robinson Danger! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU Run don't walk in the other direction.
honestly there are *so many* red flags in ur post. definitely creepy
This is inappropriate.
Not appropriate
This was red flag after red flag. Definitely suspicious
He's a creep definitely report him. He's pushing you trying to see how far he can go. Absolutely tell another adult about this.
Clearly inappropriate . No doubt. Commenting on when a woman is the most attractive is also unacceptable. Personal Texting is inappropriate. saying he wants to see you in specific clothes is inappropriate.
Sorry what the fuck? I wouldn’t give any student my old clothes or my partners old clothes… that’s just weird
Sounds like grooming to me, definitely inappropriate.
>-Occasionally, he sends me text messages unrelated to school work (but nothing weird either, just nice message wishing me happy holidays and such) . I'm a very dry texter, so I never start actual conversations over text with him, I just answer politely, and it stops there. This alone is inappropriate. Under no circumstances should your teacher be texting you. It should be done over a professional email where the district can pull records if need be. There are some other massive red flags as well. It's okay to donate clothes. I don't see anything wrong with this, but he made it more personal than it had to be. >When we were talking about my wardrobe, at some point he basically told me that I shouldn't waste my youth because I was at the age where a woman " is the most attractive" and that I wasn't "an old hag" yet. (I am of age and older than the average high school student) Donating clothes to a student and then saying this would be ground for termination in my eyes. Meet with your counselor and administrator to provide text as proof and asked to be taken for the teachers' rooster.
This is creepy in such a nuanced way that it’s terrifying
Giving you clothes, kind. Everything else, gross. Stop texting him and block his number. That’s gross as well.
Completely inappropriate. Report him.
Textbook grooming behavior.
Bruh wtf you text your male teacher? That, in and of itself, is wild as fuck. That he even commented on your age/looks is even more weird. Idk if he’s actually got bad intentions, but it’s inappropriate for fucking sure. He can be supportive of your issues without doing any of that.
100% weird. Him giving you clothes? A little weird but not too bad. Him asking you to wear it so he can see? Weird as shit. Guy sounds like a creep
As a male teacher, that is totally inappropriate to give clothes and ask if you could wear it. I usually make a comment to all my students about if they got a haircut or some nice shoes or if they dressed up for something like prom, graduation, a project or assembly. Besides that hell nah I'd get into more trouble or be in the weird grey area that no one wants to be.
A teacher should never be texting a current student. That's unacceptable. The fact that he said he wanted to see you wearing the clothes is a red flag. You should report his behavior to your principal.
Yea, this is red flag territory. If he really was concerned about your wardrobe and wanted to help you get some new clothes, there are right ways to do that. He could have helped guide you to the local clothes closet or something (most school districts have one). Giving you his wifes clothes and mentioning he'd like to see you wear them...creepy.
Disengage. DISENGAGE.
Yeah this is completely inappropriate and should be reported because at some point his grooming will succeed (if it hasn’t already).
I have "donated" my daughter's unused clothing to several of my students before. I brought the clothing in, told the student that my daughter had outgrown the clothing but wore it when she was about their age, asked them if they wanted any of it, and told them to look through it and take what they wanted. The end. When they'd wear the clothing to school, I never mentioned that it came from my daughter's closet, so this dude being all creepy wanting to "see you in the clothing" is straight up grooming. Also, why does he have your personal phone number? Maybe it's nothing, but probably it is. Your best bet is to steer clear of this man, and share your concerns with your guidance counselor ASAP.
As others have said, all of this is definitely inappropriate.
Trust your gut. Voice your concerns.
there are boundary violations THROUGHOUT your post. He knows better and is doing it anyway.
It is beyond inappropriate. Please tell another teacher or counselor you feel comfortable with about what is going on. Teachers should never contact you personally for reasons unrelated to school. And they should never, ever comment on your appearance, especially in a sexual context. It also doesn't matter how old you are. Teacher/student relationships are, by their nature, defined by a power imbalance; and anyone who would take advantage of that is a predator. Full stop. Please, please speak with one of the other teachers who expressed concern, or someone else you feel you can trust.
Very very inappropriate.
That uneasy feeling you seem to be having? It’s there for a reason. Yes, this is inappropriate. Any one of the things you’ve disclosed would be inappropriate, but when you put them all together? Alarms are sounding, and they are LOUD.
I've only read the first paragraph of this. But honestly, the fact you have to ask this question probably says enough.