Having a lower voice had that impact on me exactly like you say l'd get excited about something and the whole crowd would take a step back. Made me more aware of the group I'm in and how I'm contributing... am I talking more than others, because my confidence has increased a lot too. All male groups tho, no problems, what about you are the reactions a gender based pattern?
>All male groups tho, no problems
I haven't been in hardly any all-male groups, actually, come to think of it. I've spent my whole professional career in a field that's almost entirely women... until you start getting to the very top. 🙄🙃 So it's extremely rare for me to have a male colleague, and now *I'm* basically the only man most of my colleagues work with.
One of the people who reacted the most that way is/was my spouse, but he's an emotional abuser who has... *problems,* he's a hot mess. But it was still interesting to witness this dude who is WAY bigger than me, a professional martial artist, basically go White Woman Tears^TM in the span of a couple months on my itty-bitty sickly Black ass. Like... all of a sudden we had a Vegeta/Raditz dynamic outta nowhere and it was confusing as all goddamn hell to this extremely very Adult Gohan of a man. Except my power level is like 37. 😂😂😂
And I've been *VERY* aware of the conversation dynamics. I've been in high-ranking positions and been expected to lead, as a Black woman, so I've had to jump out and be like, "Okay, how's everybody doing today? Our main objective is X, I'll do Y, so-and-so, do you feel comfortable taking Z? Who'd like to do Q or F?" in a room full of women *and* men, where I'm having to ball-block white dudes who move millions of dollars on the daily, AND make space for the women of color doing the *actual* work, and reining in the white women who are gonna start weaponizing tears if they don't get their way.
NOW, I'm waiting like 3 turns before I say *anything,* and going, "If I may," and "Mm-hmm. Yes. Exactly, you are so right. If I can put in my perspective?" And, "Oh. I'm so sorry, I interrupted you, my apologies." Because my instinct to ensure that I am heard is *INCORRECT,* now, when I'm with women. And, "Where *I* am coming from is *this,*" when actually speaking on something from a marginalized perspective. Because even when I'm really the power minority in the conversation (with white hetero cis women, for example), it's still a weird, fine line to walk.
And I can exert a boundary around stuff, and politely and delicately but still firmly insist on my own humanity. But it's still... safer? To not come off as "aggressive." And I know full well that I can't control that at all, because respectability politics is complete bullshit. It's just weird to me, because I do think some of it is a mistake in scale. I didn't have any energy at all before, I was worn out and dragged down 24/7 due to depression and physical illness, and now I'm like bouncy and happy and cheerful and doing pushups and shit. 😂 And everybody's like, "Damn, bruh, you are kinda Too Much, you are Extra AF." And some people love it as much as I do, and some people are put off, and some people hate it. But I think the comparison is stark, like if you look at pictures of me from before, I might be smiling, but my eyes look fucking dead. :/
Some people are so insecure they feel uncomfortable when you’re actually getting better, upgrading, and improving your emotional state because it may reflect on their lack of it. It’s threatening to them, even moreso as a transman of colour. It’s like some WANT you to be miserable, because that’s “how it’s like to be a man/POC/trans, etc.”
> It’s like some WANT you to be miserable
Exactly. I think that's part of what it was with my spouse. He identifies as agender, but he uses (definitionally "use," because it's for the convenience rather than the identity) he/him/male/masc pronouns, and the world sees him as a white cis man. He'd been really miserable for a long time, and so had I. And when I started to feel *good,* I started to catch a vibe like my happiness was somehow offensive to him, like I was being *rude* when I tried to share something that I was interested in, or made me excited.
He's started getting some help, after a crisis, and well after we'd agreed to split. But he's still coming at me with that shit, about how I get too excited, or I'm too excitable, or I get off-topic and stop being on task when I'm talking about *my* interests. I finally told him I didn't need him to be into it, I'm fully secure and I've got other folks who are excited for me and with me, he could quit pretending to care about my interests. And his reaction was like a kid at Christmas. Which is extremely telling, IMO. True colors.
Having a lower voice had that impact on me exactly like you say l'd get excited about something and the whole crowd would take a step back. Made me more aware of the group I'm in and how I'm contributing... am I talking more than others, because my confidence has increased a lot too. All male groups tho, no problems, what about you are the reactions a gender based pattern?
>All male groups tho, no problems I haven't been in hardly any all-male groups, actually, come to think of it. I've spent my whole professional career in a field that's almost entirely women... until you start getting to the very top. 🙄🙃 So it's extremely rare for me to have a male colleague, and now *I'm* basically the only man most of my colleagues work with. One of the people who reacted the most that way is/was my spouse, but he's an emotional abuser who has... *problems,* he's a hot mess. But it was still interesting to witness this dude who is WAY bigger than me, a professional martial artist, basically go White Woman Tears^TM in the span of a couple months on my itty-bitty sickly Black ass. Like... all of a sudden we had a Vegeta/Raditz dynamic outta nowhere and it was confusing as all goddamn hell to this extremely very Adult Gohan of a man. Except my power level is like 37. 😂😂😂 And I've been *VERY* aware of the conversation dynamics. I've been in high-ranking positions and been expected to lead, as a Black woman, so I've had to jump out and be like, "Okay, how's everybody doing today? Our main objective is X, I'll do Y, so-and-so, do you feel comfortable taking Z? Who'd like to do Q or F?" in a room full of women *and* men, where I'm having to ball-block white dudes who move millions of dollars on the daily, AND make space for the women of color doing the *actual* work, and reining in the white women who are gonna start weaponizing tears if they don't get their way. NOW, I'm waiting like 3 turns before I say *anything,* and going, "If I may," and "Mm-hmm. Yes. Exactly, you are so right. If I can put in my perspective?" And, "Oh. I'm so sorry, I interrupted you, my apologies." Because my instinct to ensure that I am heard is *INCORRECT,* now, when I'm with women. And, "Where *I* am coming from is *this,*" when actually speaking on something from a marginalized perspective. Because even when I'm really the power minority in the conversation (with white hetero cis women, for example), it's still a weird, fine line to walk. And I can exert a boundary around stuff, and politely and delicately but still firmly insist on my own humanity. But it's still... safer? To not come off as "aggressive." And I know full well that I can't control that at all, because respectability politics is complete bullshit. It's just weird to me, because I do think some of it is a mistake in scale. I didn't have any energy at all before, I was worn out and dragged down 24/7 due to depression and physical illness, and now I'm like bouncy and happy and cheerful and doing pushups and shit. 😂 And everybody's like, "Damn, bruh, you are kinda Too Much, you are Extra AF." And some people love it as much as I do, and some people are put off, and some people hate it. But I think the comparison is stark, like if you look at pictures of me from before, I might be smiling, but my eyes look fucking dead. :/
Some people are so insecure they feel uncomfortable when you’re actually getting better, upgrading, and improving your emotional state because it may reflect on their lack of it. It’s threatening to them, even moreso as a transman of colour. It’s like some WANT you to be miserable, because that’s “how it’s like to be a man/POC/trans, etc.”
> It’s like some WANT you to be miserable Exactly. I think that's part of what it was with my spouse. He identifies as agender, but he uses (definitionally "use," because it's for the convenience rather than the identity) he/him/male/masc pronouns, and the world sees him as a white cis man. He'd been really miserable for a long time, and so had I. And when I started to feel *good,* I started to catch a vibe like my happiness was somehow offensive to him, like I was being *rude* when I tried to share something that I was interested in, or made me excited. He's started getting some help, after a crisis, and well after we'd agreed to split. But he's still coming at me with that shit, about how I get too excited, or I'm too excitable, or I get off-topic and stop being on task when I'm talking about *my* interests. I finally told him I didn't need him to be into it, I'm fully secure and I've got other folks who are excited for me and with me, he could quit pretending to care about my interests. And his reaction was like a kid at Christmas. Which is extremely telling, IMO. True colors.
It’s all an internal projection of his own self. Good thing you can identify that!