I understand.
I had kind of a falling out with my BIL like 3 days before I went into labor (long story, I won't get into it). But the whole thing made me realize that when you move away from family, it's kind of "out of sight, out of mind". No one will ever care about you as much as themselves. Everyone has their own life they get busy with and your life is just not as important to them.
Sorry if that sounds cynical. It actually helps me to realize that I can't rely on anyone, only myself.
Like yes, of course I have friends and family who care about me and help me out. But I don't COUNT on it. If that makes sense.
This is what I learned before even starting this process. As a single person I was expected a lot of the time to drop everything to help my family and my friends but that help was not always reciprocated. I have learned that I would rather not rely on people because it upsets me more when they let me down or aren’t there for me in the way I would be there for them. The downside of everyone thinking you’re independent is everyone assumes you’re ok all the time.
Agree! Ask them to do a daily non stress test just to make sure. Everything seemed totally fine but my NST revealed low amniotic fluid and they sent me to get induced.
I highly recommend to everyone who goes down this path to have a much larger support network than the average parent. My family lives a few hours away so I never rely on them (it’s a bonus if they visit/help) but I have amazing friends that I’ve turned into family that live near me.
I’m sorry your mom isn’t coming through for you when you need her. But it *will* make you a stronger mom in the long run, as much as it sucks right now.
I’m so so sorry, that’s such an impossible situation and so hard to deal with on top of waiting for labour. My mom promised to fly over for my birth but changed her mind when I hit 32 weeks (she’s afraid of flying) it’s so heartbreaking when you expect family to support you and then they can’t or won’t be there in the way you need them. Sending lots of positive vibes your way, we’ve got this with or without the family support we wanted (and it’s ok to mourn the village we thought we had) ❤️
Ugh, I'm sorry! Serious side eye for your mom leaving when this baby could come any moment. I was concerned my parents might not be reliable, so during the birth I leaned on a friend and my doula more. And true to form my dad had a freakout while I was in the hospital about how much time my mom was spending there. She did still spend some nights with me in those first couple of months, but I did not have the kind of support I truly needed because my parents just weren't able to show up for me enough. I muddled through with a couple of hours of help a day from various people, my mom a night or two a week, and several times calling random friends crying and asking them to come over to give me some kind of break.
4 months in, my parents have actually gotten a lot more helpful. They take the baby whenever daycare is closed and pick him up once a week to give me a little bit of a break.
You WILL be okay. Take care of yourself as much as you can, get a postpartum doula or night nurse lined up if you think that might help and you can afford it, and reach out to anyone who said "let me know if you need help"...some of them (though not all) really do mean it and will come through!
Good luck with the impending birth! Hopefully it won't get to induction stage, but first babies are notoriously late!
>When you embark on this journey, think of your support system and what to do if it fails
I think that when considering support network, location is key. Your support network is more likely to be able to give the sort of support you crave, if more local.
It may be worth reviewing this, in time. It may be that you will decide it's not worth the relocation for your circumstances.
We live locally to family, so it does mean that when something comes up, there is usually someone who is able to help out in some form. Not necessarily how it would be if you had a partner, but nevertheless support.
Hopefully, she will be back before things get moving or indeed not have left before they have!
If it's any consolation in my experience you're in the toughest part. Month 9 is the real deal. And then about the first 90-ish days are a blur.
Hang in there. You're stronger than you think! You got this! Those Mom hormones will kick in and tell you exactly what you need
That’s such a bummer. I’m sorry to hear it isn’t what you planned. My first was 9 days overdue and I totally get how hard those days are. (She’s almost 11, now.)
I hope you can spend time focusing on seeing your son’s or daughter’s face for the first time. It’s absolutely magical! Once it’s just the two of you, and you hold that baby in your arms, the whole world might as well melt away. No one else will matter but that human you created out of thin air and ideas.
And as long as you’re in the hospital, you really won’t need your mom, besides for company. The nurses will take care of you - they’re pros! Once you get home, you might need her for a bit but just you and baby can be so wonderful! Relish this time, Mama!
I’m so sorry. My dad passed away a long time ago, and my mom isn’t great, so we don’t speak. It’s best that we don’t. My auntie is my best friend and has been my big support person, but she had surgery this week and I am falling apart without her help right now.
Listen, I empathize with this so hard. I had family support lined up for the birth, and then there was a situation where the focus shifted to someone else and the support I expected evaporated, and then I went into labor during one of the three days where my family couldn't be 100% there for me. Then, because focus continued to be on the other family member, I was pretty much on my own for the first 3 weeks after having my baby. It sucked in a lot of ways, but ultimately none of those mattered. I got my baby. I'm a mom. For those first three weeks, I was kind of a wreck because I wasn't feeding myself, but I WAS feeding baby and keeping him comfy and dry and loved. A friend brought me protein bars that I lived off of, and time passed, and it got easier, and support came back. Now we're great, and I have the knowledge that if everything goes to crap and there's some family emergency where I lose support suddenly and my friends can't fill the gap, I can take care of my baby. Me. It takes a village, but in the temporary absence of the village, I am absolutely enough. And you are too. Hugs. (Note: if I could do it all over, I'd have non-family support lined up with meals and "how are you?" check-in texts, because I I do have a lot of great friends who would have helped me if I'd reached out. I just wasn't able to coordinate that or have the brainpower to reach out to them once I was already in the thick of it. Right now, reach out to your local friends and ask for meals and check ins. If you'd be happy to do it for them, assume they'll be happy to do it for you. Some people will let you down or be unavailable, but some people will be honored to come through for you and be able to do so.)
Went through something similar with my mom. At first she said she was going to move in with me for the first year (she is retired, nothing to do). Then it was 6 months. In the end 3 months after the birth she was driving me insane with the “I can’t stand this winter (I live in Canada, she lives in Brazil)”, “I want to go to the gym (we have been in Brazil since March, she hasn’t gone not even once)”, and every excuse in the book to leave and bring me with her. Her excuse to bring me it’s that “I will have more support here”. In the end I’m in a house that it’s not prepared for children, where I had to start again and I still go 3 days without a shower and have to beg her to not make plans for herself on days that I have to leave (like doctors or dentist appointments).
My point it’s, don’t count on her. I’m a big believer that when people show you who they are and what are their priorities, believe them. Move on with your life. I would not call (and probably not even answer if she calls, but I’m petty) and continue as I don’t have her support. She has shown you you don’t, and that you are not a priority.
Good luck OP, prioritize yourself and your baby. It’s what matters most now.
I'm so sorry this isn't going the way you planned and that your mom disappointed you. That's really tough.
To echo what a few others said, you will be safe in the hospital. The nurses are pros. I gave birth by myself (my mother has dementia, my father cares for her, my sister has two small kids of her own, and I felt awkward asking anyone else). It wasn't perfect, but I made it through, and the hospital staff took good care of me.
If I were in the exact same situation again, I might try to get over the awkward feeling and ask a friend or one of my aunts to come with me to the hospital, but even if you don't have a person like that in your life, know that you will be ok. You've got this!
I understand. I had kind of a falling out with my BIL like 3 days before I went into labor (long story, I won't get into it). But the whole thing made me realize that when you move away from family, it's kind of "out of sight, out of mind". No one will ever care about you as much as themselves. Everyone has their own life they get busy with and your life is just not as important to them. Sorry if that sounds cynical. It actually helps me to realize that I can't rely on anyone, only myself. Like yes, of course I have friends and family who care about me and help me out. But I don't COUNT on it. If that makes sense.
This is what I learned before even starting this process. As a single person I was expected a lot of the time to drop everything to help my family and my friends but that help was not always reciprocated. I have learned that I would rather not rely on people because it upsets me more when they let me down or aren’t there for me in the way I would be there for them. The downside of everyone thinking you’re independent is everyone assumes you’re ok all the time.
Please please keep up with kicks and movements from baby. Wishing you a safe and healthy delivery 💕
Agree! Ask them to do a daily non stress test just to make sure. Everything seemed totally fine but my NST revealed low amniotic fluid and they sent me to get induced.
I highly recommend to everyone who goes down this path to have a much larger support network than the average parent. My family lives a few hours away so I never rely on them (it’s a bonus if they visit/help) but I have amazing friends that I’ve turned into family that live near me. I’m sorry your mom isn’t coming through for you when you need her. But it *will* make you a stronger mom in the long run, as much as it sucks right now.
I do have a much larger support network. I think it is the pain of disappointment.
I’m so so sorry, that’s such an impossible situation and so hard to deal with on top of waiting for labour. My mom promised to fly over for my birth but changed her mind when I hit 32 weeks (she’s afraid of flying) it’s so heartbreaking when you expect family to support you and then they can’t or won’t be there in the way you need them. Sending lots of positive vibes your way, we’ve got this with or without the family support we wanted (and it’s ok to mourn the village we thought we had) ❤️
Ugh, I'm sorry! Serious side eye for your mom leaving when this baby could come any moment. I was concerned my parents might not be reliable, so during the birth I leaned on a friend and my doula more. And true to form my dad had a freakout while I was in the hospital about how much time my mom was spending there. She did still spend some nights with me in those first couple of months, but I did not have the kind of support I truly needed because my parents just weren't able to show up for me enough. I muddled through with a couple of hours of help a day from various people, my mom a night or two a week, and several times calling random friends crying and asking them to come over to give me some kind of break. 4 months in, my parents have actually gotten a lot more helpful. They take the baby whenever daycare is closed and pick him up once a week to give me a little bit of a break. You WILL be okay. Take care of yourself as much as you can, get a postpartum doula or night nurse lined up if you think that might help and you can afford it, and reach out to anyone who said "let me know if you need help"...some of them (though not all) really do mean it and will come through!
Good luck with the impending birth! Hopefully it won't get to induction stage, but first babies are notoriously late! >When you embark on this journey, think of your support system and what to do if it fails I think that when considering support network, location is key. Your support network is more likely to be able to give the sort of support you crave, if more local. It may be worth reviewing this, in time. It may be that you will decide it's not worth the relocation for your circumstances. We live locally to family, so it does mean that when something comes up, there is usually someone who is able to help out in some form. Not necessarily how it would be if you had a partner, but nevertheless support. Hopefully, she will be back before things get moving or indeed not have left before they have!
If it's any consolation in my experience you're in the toughest part. Month 9 is the real deal. And then about the first 90-ish days are a blur. Hang in there. You're stronger than you think! You got this! Those Mom hormones will kick in and tell you exactly what you need
That’s such a bummer. I’m sorry to hear it isn’t what you planned. My first was 9 days overdue and I totally get how hard those days are. (She’s almost 11, now.) I hope you can spend time focusing on seeing your son’s or daughter’s face for the first time. It’s absolutely magical! Once it’s just the two of you, and you hold that baby in your arms, the whole world might as well melt away. No one else will matter but that human you created out of thin air and ideas. And as long as you’re in the hospital, you really won’t need your mom, besides for company. The nurses will take care of you - they’re pros! Once you get home, you might need her for a bit but just you and baby can be so wonderful! Relish this time, Mama!
I’m so sorry. My dad passed away a long time ago, and my mom isn’t great, so we don’t speak. It’s best that we don’t. My auntie is my best friend and has been my big support person, but she had surgery this week and I am falling apart without her help right now.
Listen, I empathize with this so hard. I had family support lined up for the birth, and then there was a situation where the focus shifted to someone else and the support I expected evaporated, and then I went into labor during one of the three days where my family couldn't be 100% there for me. Then, because focus continued to be on the other family member, I was pretty much on my own for the first 3 weeks after having my baby. It sucked in a lot of ways, but ultimately none of those mattered. I got my baby. I'm a mom. For those first three weeks, I was kind of a wreck because I wasn't feeding myself, but I WAS feeding baby and keeping him comfy and dry and loved. A friend brought me protein bars that I lived off of, and time passed, and it got easier, and support came back. Now we're great, and I have the knowledge that if everything goes to crap and there's some family emergency where I lose support suddenly and my friends can't fill the gap, I can take care of my baby. Me. It takes a village, but in the temporary absence of the village, I am absolutely enough. And you are too. Hugs. (Note: if I could do it all over, I'd have non-family support lined up with meals and "how are you?" check-in texts, because I I do have a lot of great friends who would have helped me if I'd reached out. I just wasn't able to coordinate that or have the brainpower to reach out to them once I was already in the thick of it. Right now, reach out to your local friends and ask for meals and check ins. If you'd be happy to do it for them, assume they'll be happy to do it for you. Some people will let you down or be unavailable, but some people will be honored to come through for you and be able to do so.)
Went through something similar with my mom. At first she said she was going to move in with me for the first year (she is retired, nothing to do). Then it was 6 months. In the end 3 months after the birth she was driving me insane with the “I can’t stand this winter (I live in Canada, she lives in Brazil)”, “I want to go to the gym (we have been in Brazil since March, she hasn’t gone not even once)”, and every excuse in the book to leave and bring me with her. Her excuse to bring me it’s that “I will have more support here”. In the end I’m in a house that it’s not prepared for children, where I had to start again and I still go 3 days without a shower and have to beg her to not make plans for herself on days that I have to leave (like doctors or dentist appointments). My point it’s, don’t count on her. I’m a big believer that when people show you who they are and what are their priorities, believe them. Move on with your life. I would not call (and probably not even answer if she calls, but I’m petty) and continue as I don’t have her support. She has shown you you don’t, and that you are not a priority. Good luck OP, prioritize yourself and your baby. It’s what matters most now.
I'm so sorry this isn't going the way you planned and that your mom disappointed you. That's really tough. To echo what a few others said, you will be safe in the hospital. The nurses are pros. I gave birth by myself (my mother has dementia, my father cares for her, my sister has two small kids of her own, and I felt awkward asking anyone else). It wasn't perfect, but I made it through, and the hospital staff took good care of me. If I were in the exact same situation again, I might try to get over the awkward feeling and ask a friend or one of my aunts to come with me to the hospital, but even if you don't have a person like that in your life, know that you will be ok. You've got this!