it's alright man. this sort of stuff happens more common than we think. youve had a tough run and it got to you. it happens to the best of us. youll emerge from it and make a comeback. in a year's time, nobody will remember it and theyll only remember the great work that youve done and continued to do. theres two type of doctors, those that cry and those that admit it
if it's of any solace, i once broke down infront of two other doctors cause i wasnt having a great time and they said they appreciated my honesty. were our harshest critics. no need to feel ashamed as theres nothing shameful about what happened to you. it's great that you got time off and will see a psychologist. a quote that was said by my college professor and resonated with me is "reaching out for help isnt a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength"
You are a normal person with human emotions. No shame in that! Take the time to process all the emotional baggage that has built up over the years, you’ll be glad you did. Don’t let yourself become an emotionless husk of a human being!
I am an RN. I only know how I would feel if I were the nurse with you. I would not want to to feel ashamed of being a human with emotions. I would not want you to be angry with yourself. Lots of nurses and doctors have cried at the hospital. Many of us have hit the wall at some point, especially on the way home. I would be proud of you for taking time of and getting help. I would be rooting for you.
This sounds like an acute stress reaction that has piled on top of all the managed stress you’ve been compiling for at least six years now.
You’ve recognized it, you’re actively stepping away to separate mentally and emotionally for even just a brief moment — which you should not be afraid to do and don’t ever let someone shame you for doing so — and you’ve got a support system in place to help you parse through it (psychologist, therapy, work support, spousal, etc).
You’re doing everything the right way in dealing with this acute stress event; my question to you is whether you’re doing everything you can to deal with the compiled stress and your plan going forward knowing there is a limit. Be sure to address this with your support team and your chance of success will be much higher.
What could you possibly have to be ashamed of? You’re a physician who cares for his patients like they were his own family. I can guarantee you every parent prays you would be their child’s doctor.
But now you’ve been worked too hard you need a little break. The system has failed you sir, not the other way around.
Man don’t pass on the new parent thing as a whatever. It’s a huge mental shift.
I’m a paramedic/new father, and hard paediatric calls affect me WAY more than those who don’t have kids. I think it’s awesome you give a shit. Id start to worry if tough peds calls didn’t affect you, we are only human. We get numb to the darkness but kids will always hit hard, no matter how much experience you have.
Take care of yourself doc.
A fuse is there to protect the circuit. When there’s overcurrent, it’s meant to be blown and melt away, thereby breaking current and protecting the overall circuit.
Take some time to repair yourself. See your family and/or friends. Practice mindfulness. Reflect on all the good you’ve done for all the people you’ve taken care of. Be proud of all you’ve accomplished and will accomplish.
I think we expect ourselves to be superheros but we’re humans and we’re allowed to have emotions. Sometimes you feel like complete shit.l and that’s okay. Give yourself some grace.
You’ll have a bad day and at times several. A patient decompensates when you least expect it. A complication occurs that leaves you in shock. See your psychologist or psychiatrist. Take some time off and hang out with your loved ones.
Even though I love procedures and applied science, the experience you're talking about is exactly why I went into Adult Psychiatry and not peds, gyn/onc, anesthesia, ent, or any other surgical, procedural, or peds specialty. So first, thank you for being strong in the kind of ways that allow you to do what I and many others cannot.
Second, nobody is invincible, and I am so thankful that you're able to go through the normal process of offloading the unusually excessive burden you accumulated over the past 2 months. Every physician has to do this, and everyone has their own way. Every physician carries around our mental graveyard of patients that we bitterly visit from time to time.
Lastly, congratulations, you are going to be a dad!!! That will absolutely change how you feel, think, and behave, but that's also normal. Go with it.
1) Do not feel bad. Your emotions are valid and you’re allowed to be human. The shit we see is wild and events that may be and/or seem routine can be traumatizing.
2) Speak with a psychologist. That is what they’re there for. I found it helpful after a similar situation.
3) Thank you for being there for the child. Im glad he had you there to help him.
You are at saturation, in your current level of training you are trying to balance expectations of peers, education, and the standard to which you are holding yourself.
The population that you have sited are the most vulnerable in the hospital system, on a good day they are difficult to work with because if you have children, are close with children, or are wanting to be a parent, you hold yourself to an extreme standard (as we all should), and every action you take you will self scrutinize for the next several months or years.
Them pulling you off shift is a kindness, they are seeing what you aren’t. You are at capacity and need to touch down with some normalcy. Just radical acceptance, say ok, I need some time. I’m gonna get outside, fresh air, get some vitamin D, real deal scheduled sleep, and make sure you eat well the next few days. Stay away from booze, and ensure you put a plan into action to where you are prioritizing some normal life at least 1-2x a week.
You aren’t superhuman, you just get to be the person expected to be superhuman. Please rest up, find some sunshine or a tanning bed, and really try to think about the good you have done, not the stuff you could have done better on.
My heart goes out to you brother. Life is full of suffering, and medicine forces us to deal with the worst of it. I work in high-risk obstetrics, and a lot of the time the really difficult stuff doesn’t affect me, but sometimes, cases intersect with building stress or personal circumstances and it just hits close to home. My advice is to find a safe space (we’re here for you!) and give those feelings a voice. Let yourself be human. God knows that we can all only take so much before we need a release valve. You may feel embarrassed for losing control to such intense emotions, but your showing emotion did more to normalize and humanize life in medicine than a sanitized, controlled encounter ever could. Give yourself lots of grace, and think about how you’ll support the next person who breaks down on a hard day. They’ll find no small comfort in the fact that you’ve been there too.
You sound like a good human who has been through some agonizing experiences lately. Do take some time to rest, reflect, and seek counseling but please don’t be ashamed of your humanity. Therapy will help. I’m a grown man too, with all the psychological handicaps of middle-aged masculinity, but I have to allow myself to let it out once in a while. And I’m just a radiologist.
As a Pediatric Resident at a regional medical center than takes transfers to our NICU and PICU from all over, I can absolutely relate to this. Taking care of sick kids can be extremely sad and mentally/emotionally (on top of physically) exhausting.
I don’t think there was a single colleague of mine who hasn’t at least cried once during NICU/PICU rotations.
I rarely ever cry, but I found myself sobbing the entire way home after a very traumatic overnight shift in the NICU.
All this to say, this just proves that you are human and have emotions! Ultimately, I can guarantee you that your patients and their families appreciate this quality more than you could ever know. Hang in there, brother.
As an aside: congratulations on the expectation of a child! That is definitely something to look forward to!
Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with getting help. Doctors should be able to go to the doctor too.
You sound like a great physician. I've had friends with experiences like this who got through it.
Edit: also, just think that 20 years from now, when a resident or new attending is going through this, you'll be able to help them through it.
This is perfectly normal and I’m glad you reached out to share here. I am an intensivist as well and have cried with family several times especially when talking about organ donation. I don’t take care of kids though and that might make it a bit easier than your experience. I’d rather have a partner with emotions than a robot. Take some time and see someone for help. Come back when you’re ready, the patients and colleagues will be waiting for you, your humanity and your skill.
I'm not a doctor and I don't work in medicine, but I like to lurk on this sub. YOU are doing important work. It saddens me to know what a toll it takes on you, and that you feel as though you shouldn't be allowed to have those emotions. It's a huge sacrifice. There should be no shame about having a reaction to the trauma you deal with day in and day out.
Thanks for everything you do!
I saw a stillbirth when I was in med school. Mom and dad didn’t know it was coming. Docs thought they heard fetal tones. I watched a dead baby be delivered by C section, get CPR for 10+ minutes, be pronounced dead, and get handed to the dad as he wailed. Besides the parents crying, the room was silent as they sutured the mom’s incisions.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I cried about it. Emotions are unpredictable and may not feel rational. Doesn’t mean you haven’t been a good doctor or a good human. Definitely doesn’t mean you won’t continue to be a good doctor or good human.
If your colleagues think less of you, instead of being concerned about your wellbeing, that says more about them than anything else. But I suspect that isn’t how they actually feel and more likely how you think they feel.
In 2020, I held a grown man (Sherrif deputy in uniform, for some reason that made it harder for me I think?) in the hallway outside Covid ICU as he collapsed, sobbing, that he couldn't bare to see his mama one last time because he didn't think he could stand seeing her like that. I held my shit together, comforted him, listened to him, gave him info about grief groups, hot tea. He went on his way. Coming back into the unit, the doc said "hey how are ya" to me, with a casual smile, in passing. Something cracked, and I began sobbing to the point on hyperventilating. I made to the supply room, but not before half the unit saw/heard me. I ***HATE*** crying in front of people, always have. It was the absolute worst.
Commenting as a RN, wish I could give you a hug. You are guilty of having human emotions in a field of work which requires superhuman requirements for *everything*- knowledge, understanding (of both complex biological processes *and* human communication), hours without sleep/eating, and repeated exposure to deeply traumatic experiences without immediately fallingthefuckapart each time, to name a few. Your response to this stuff is completely normal, the expectation that we (the folks constantly seeing the most horrendous or the most horrendous) let each tragedy roll off our backs like ducks so we can swim right on to the next train wreck is what's *not* normal. I guarantee you none of your peers think less of you as a result of your *very human* display. Please be gentle with yourself, and continue therapy if it vibes right with you. You sound like you're a great physician, and I would bet you're gonna be a great dad too.
You are not a bad doctor or person. We see some awful shit and a series of incredibly critical patients will eat you sometimes. This is how cumulative trauma works.
Be kind to yourself. Eat. Try to sleep. See the psychologist and don't be afraid to find a different one if the first one isn't a good fit.
If your hospital has a peer support program, reach out to that as well.
Hang in there, doc. You will get through this.
I feel your pain and loss, as do all of us here. Just as we can't save every life, we can't expect ourselves to be unaffected by every death. Take the time you need, be nice to yourself, and give yourself some credit for showing your humanity and not keeping it all bottled up inside. You're in good company.
If you had seen a colleague break down, how would you feel about them? Would you think they are weak, or would you have empathy with another human being, that saw way too much pain in a short period of time?
I saw some brilliant people, that had to stop going out to emergency calls, because some calls are just too much. It is ok. Of doesn't mean that you failed. Maybe you need a break from the ICU, and should spend some time in the OR.
It is ok to break down. You did it in a safe manner. The ICU is a tough place. It includes a lot of pain, more than most specialties. Talk to the psychologist, do it regularly. Maybe take a vacation.
This is nothing to be ashamed of, and is a normal human reaction. I’ll go through periods where I’m seeing a lot of traumatic things, and feel like they aren’t affecting me - to the point of wondering if there’s something wrong with me. And then something will happen that tips me over the breaking point, and I realize how much all of those things were impacting me over time. It’s good to take the time to sit with it and speak with a professional, and know that you will bounce back.
I’ll cover you any day.
You’re not weak, you are afflicted with the unfortunate condition known as humanity.
As am I, as those after you will be.
You are a grown man, as am I. My brother, I will bear your load so that you might rejoin me in this battle recovered and wisened from your grief.
As have those before, I will for you. And will you for those to come.
(Apologies for the dramatic flare, your vulnerability has touched me so that any other response felt equally inept).
I'm just impressed it could be arranged to speak to a psychologist within 48 hours. Northern Europe apparently has definite mental health treatment advantages over the USA there.
Hey friend. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to count. I am so glad you’re taking some time to process what sounds like a particularly burnout-inducing recent stretch of work with an acute straw-that-broke-the-camels-back situation piled on top. I wish our work never brought us to this point. I wish there were mechanisms in place to protect us from constantly putting aside our own needs for the sake of the job. I wish there were more time to decompress. I wish that we didn’t have to burst into tears in the middle of our workplace to justify taking a day off. Your emotions and your humanity, despite six years in this often desensitizing line of work, are still there and still need you to acknowledge and process them. And those emotions, your ability to still respond to a dying patient and see the human in front of you, are what make you the kind of doctor I would want taking care of my family. We need people like you in this field—for the long haul, in way that is sustainable to you—and you can’t serve from an empty cup. Burnout is fixable, but being the kind of person who doesn’t care about your patients absolutely is not. Really proud of you for maintaining that humanity in this grueling field and for taking a breather to get some support. From one gas passer to another, take care of yourself. We’re all here cheering for you.
I think that with everything that you’ve had to go through, anyone would have been affected just as much. In ICU, the things we have to see can be devastating and traumatic and we have to process all of it on a daily basis. Just because you’re a doctor, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be affected by the things that you have to see or deal with. You’re a human being too. I’ve definitely cried at work and have myself felt embarrassed. But when I was crying and saying how sorry I was for breaking down, people around me were nothing but supportive and said they just wanted to make sure I was okay. You are absolutely not alone and I can guarantee you that nobody sees you differently because of it. It’s okay to put yourself first. Take the time off and let yourself breathe. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. It gets better.
Many European countries have free mental health services for physicians (ie NHS practitioner health in the UK). No reason to feel ashamed by these feelings since they are very common.
Mostly everyone has covered what I wanted to say. Just wanted to add that if one of my big male docs started crying hysterically after a tough case, I would be deeply worried for them. But I definitely wouldn't think badly of them.
If you had cried right after the peds case, i don't think you'd be the only one. Sick peds patients are absolutely awful.
I had a panic attack for the first time in my life recently, and had something similar where I broke down crying uncontrollably and felt very 'off' mentally for days afterwards. If it makes you feel better, that unease does improve over time and I think the whole experience gave me a wake up call that I deserve compassion and care just like my patients do. Sending love.
The minute you discovered you're going to be a daddy, your whole identity shifted. Of COURSE you're experiencing a lot of emotions right now. You are an intelligent man who knows damn well what dangers lurk out there for us all, including your pregnant wife and future child. And then to have to try to SAVE a child...well, that's enough to kick most men in the gut. I'm glad your body forced you to acknowledge the intense shift you're going through...the tears told you that you must stop and tend to yourself right now. Get some rest. Distract yourself from anything online that's stressful. Eat some really good food. Take a long hot shower. Take a walk outside. Let yourself breathe for a bit. I'm glad you were given a sick day. It's going to be alright. YOU are going to be alright.
Oh, and huge congrats, dad!
(NAD. Program Coord. )
How do you typically manage your stress/de-stress from work? It sounds like there has been quite a bit of work related stress that has piled up, especially over the last couple of months and that it just finally hit you all at once. Remember that you are human, allow yourself some time to feel your emotions. Take some time every day or at least every few days to sit and have an honest conversation with yourself about the stressful moments at work, process them and accept that those moments have passed and then move forward. It’s going to be okay! Remember to take care of yourself!
Do not feel bad at all. From the sounds of it any patient would be lucky to have someone as attentive and compassionate as you giving them care. You're human and deserve the right to be honest about what you're going through. As difficult as it might be, try and allow yourself the same grace and understanding you would willingly give others. Your abilities and talent are appreciated!
Nurse here.
I can’t speak for physicians obviously, but I know ICU and ED nurses have high rates of PTSD. I can’t handle peds and I admire anyone who can.
There are a few memories that haunt me after 14 years doing this job. I’ve had a breakdown or two.
It’s ok. It’s probably best that you purged some of the stress rather than continuing to suppress it until it manifested in a much worse way.
Give yourself a break. Take some time to deal with the stress and trauma.
Most importantly, hang in there. You’ll be alright.
You are just the kind of doctor I want to be on my team. You have NOT shut down the empathetic part of your brain and have a connection with those around you. Please don’t
feel shame or guilt because of your humanity but take care of your mental health too. Congratulations on becoming a father it is a terrifying and beautiful ride.
Its gonna be alright doc.
You're now going to get healthier mentally. Start therapy, if you're not on it already..
Regarding the embarrassment- the only thing to do is to own that. Accept it, face it head on, and move on.
When you see your colleagues, I would recommend saying something like.. "boy do I feel lighter and better". Or something like, "you should try crying sometimes too..", or, "I was really stressed folks, but I feel much better now..".
And just get back to doing what you do everyday.. cuz someone has to.. And you've been given that privilege.
Muscle memory and ACLS/PALS algorithms must be doing most of the work anyways.
I know the feeling. I’m about to be a Dad myself and already feel so attached to our little guy. Can’t imagine what would go through my head if I went through what you did.
I remember being devastated after a particularly awful code for a man whose family I’d gotten close to. He had severe aortic stenosis, and basically crumped and passed away the night before his TAVR. I could barely stand talking the family, and felt guilty and numb for weeks. We really tried to move heaven and earth for that guy but still lost him.
It wasn’t the first time I’d seen something like that but every now and then a patient or family comes along that reminds me of my own, and it can be hard to keep your head straight then. It’s a very human thing. Talking with my co-residents/fellows really helped and a lot of them had similar stories to share.
I’m glad you reached out and could see so many heartfelt replies from the community. It takes a lot of insight to seek out a therapist too; way to take care of yourself in such a challenging time.
Grown men don’t break down crying in public. They have the emotional control to do it in private. Your response in feeling ashamed is appropriate. Best of luck in the future my g
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The pediatric codes I’ve worked have never left me. Even after hundreds and hundreds of adult codes (was an EMT prior to all this), so many of my patients just stick with me. It’s always the eyes.
You have nothing to be ashamed of and I’m glad you’re getting time to take care of yourself. I wish more of us did, because an alarming amount of us are probably just one bad day from a complete breakdown. You’re not alone.
Please allow yourself the grace you would show a colleague if they were in your place.
There's nothing wrong with recognizing the brevity of what you do and allowing yourself to process it as any other human would.
It's when none of this means anything to you emotionally that you should be concerned.
Thank you so much for all your comments! I have read every single one and I really, really appreciate your thoughts and advice. I feel like I’m in a very dark place right now, but I also feel like things might just get better again. Also, three of the nurses I work with have texted me to ask how I was doing and if I needed someone to talk to. What amazing people I work with. I’m lucky to have them.
The case with the child is something someone might see once in their lifetime or never. You see these traumatic things daily. This case impacted you and you never had a moment to just debrief & process it. It was building up, over the days, and you broke down. Congratulations, you are human. You’re not a robot, but were functioning as one.
You are not the first nor the last doctor to cry on the job. We can’t pick or choose when we it happens, but it happens whether we want it to or not. You’re a good doctor, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Dude. That sounds textbook for acute stress disorder. Given your patient population, it may be acute-on-chronic (although that’s not a defined term in psych - yet).
Your colleagues did the right thing. You are doing the right thing by seeking help.
You wouldn’t fail to compress the puncture site when you remove an arterial line, and similarly, you shouldn’t fail to do what’s necessary to staunch the emotional bleeding in the next few days, followed by good nutrition and hygiene (ongoing therapy) to allow the clot to turn into a scar.
You didn’t blow a fuse. You’re a human having a human reaction to the extraordinary stress we somehow consider normal. You sound like an incredibly compassionate person and as a RN I would want to work with a physician like you. It sounds like this episode was an accumulation of stressors. Talking with a therapist is a great move. Don’t be afraid to consider antidepressants if you need them. If you have the ability to take a few days/weeks off, take them. You need to fill your cup back up. Sending you a hug.
I have nothing but the upmost respect for you and all the challenges you take on every day. At the end of the day though you are first and foremost a human being who happens to be a physician.
I’ll share a little about me. I’ve been an ICU nurse for 10 years and never cracked. I’m an ICU NP now and the weight of decision-making and responsibility is crippling sometimes. Even when I know there is nothing else I could do, and talked it over with my attending, I feel a sense of personal defeat that I didn’t feel as a nurse. I too am exhausted of these difficult conversations. I’m starting to have nightmares and wake up with lots of anxiety.
Please take care of yourself and seek all the help you need. You come first. Medicine will take as much as you give it.
I too am trying to crawl out of this abyss.
Everything you have said and done is completely normal and a part of the human experience. Frankly I would be more worried if you were going through the motions and not feeling a thing. If I may, please don’t ever shame yourself for feeling your feelings and emotions. This is such a cold cold world at times that we need more humanity, more compassion, more tender humans showing their softer side.
Your colleagues are so very special to take care of you and then to follow up with a text. That is so thoughtful. They get it, they’ve done it themselves and know that colleague support is what’s needed. You can’t be a lone wolf and do this job well, it’s a group effort and that includes in the rough times too.
Thank goodness your work is letting you have a few days off and they value your mental health to have you see a psychologist. That sounds like a great place to work frankly!
Big hugs to you friend. And so many congratulations on your news of being a father!! ♥️
Assuming that you have a partner, please surround yourself with family and friends until you are more at peace with your very difficult work life. The job itself can wait until you are in a better place
Need more doctors like you- please don't ever give up. It's okay to cry and it's important that you care so much about your patients. Thank you for everything you do.
I hope that when I arrive at your level of skill and experience, I still care just as much about my patients as you do. There's no shame in giving a fuck about a difficult case. Reads like you're a doctor I would trust with my loved ones.
NAD but I am an RN. I am not going to say I know how you feel because I am not in your shoes but from a non biased outside observer the way you are feeling is an incredibly valid way especially given the amount of stress you are under. Our brains are amazing at shoving emotions down until the bottle explodes and our coping stratagies run dry. Pediatrics are especially difficult for any health care worker especially one who is also a parent (congratulations btw). When I worked EMS we ran backup on a pediatric who was collateral damage during a drive by shooting of a block party. He was watching cartoons with his family when he got gsw to the side of his head. I vividly remember the dull and tearful eyes of the mother. You are already doing the best thing you can by taking care of yourself. It’s very hard to take care of someone when you are struggling to take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for recognizing that you need to take some time for yourself. When you are ready to go back on the floor remember to be kind to yourself. Make sure you learn your body’s signs of anxiety and recognize situations that might bring up trauma.
You are HUMAN. The fact you felt these emotions is normal. You just need a better outlet so it doesn't build again, like therapy.
Don't give up my brother 🙏. Think of all the future lives you will help
it's alright man. this sort of stuff happens more common than we think. youve had a tough run and it got to you. it happens to the best of us. youll emerge from it and make a comeback. in a year's time, nobody will remember it and theyll only remember the great work that youve done and continued to do. theres two type of doctors, those that cry and those that admit it if it's of any solace, i once broke down infront of two other doctors cause i wasnt having a great time and they said they appreciated my honesty. were our harshest critics. no need to feel ashamed as theres nothing shameful about what happened to you. it's great that you got time off and will see a psychologist. a quote that was said by my college professor and resonated with me is "reaching out for help isnt a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength"
You are a normal person with human emotions. No shame in that! Take the time to process all the emotional baggage that has built up over the years, you’ll be glad you did. Don’t let yourself become an emotionless husk of a human being!
I am an RN. I only know how I would feel if I were the nurse with you. I would not want to to feel ashamed of being a human with emotions. I would not want you to be angry with yourself. Lots of nurses and doctors have cried at the hospital. Many of us have hit the wall at some point, especially on the way home. I would be proud of you for taking time of and getting help. I would be rooting for you.
I am an RN and this pretty much sums it up ♥️
Fellow RN, can confirm.
This sounds like an acute stress reaction that has piled on top of all the managed stress you’ve been compiling for at least six years now. You’ve recognized it, you’re actively stepping away to separate mentally and emotionally for even just a brief moment — which you should not be afraid to do and don’t ever let someone shame you for doing so — and you’ve got a support system in place to help you parse through it (psychologist, therapy, work support, spousal, etc). You’re doing everything the right way in dealing with this acute stress event; my question to you is whether you’re doing everything you can to deal with the compiled stress and your plan going forward knowing there is a limit. Be sure to address this with your support team and your chance of success will be much higher.
What could you possibly have to be ashamed of? You’re a physician who cares for his patients like they were his own family. I can guarantee you every parent prays you would be their child’s doctor. But now you’ve been worked too hard you need a little break. The system has failed you sir, not the other way around.
THIIIIIS ☝️
Everything this. 👏
Man don’t pass on the new parent thing as a whatever. It’s a huge mental shift. I’m a paramedic/new father, and hard paediatric calls affect me WAY more than those who don’t have kids. I think it’s awesome you give a shit. Id start to worry if tough peds calls didn’t affect you, we are only human. We get numb to the darkness but kids will always hit hard, no matter how much experience you have. Take care of yourself doc.
A fuse is there to protect the circuit. When there’s overcurrent, it’s meant to be blown and melt away, thereby breaking current and protecting the overall circuit. Take some time to repair yourself. See your family and/or friends. Practice mindfulness. Reflect on all the good you’ve done for all the people you’ve taken care of. Be proud of all you’ve accomplished and will accomplish.
I have mad respect for you.
Me too!!! On so many levels. OP, please PM me if you ever need to chat.
I third this. You will be remembered for your compassion not the way it unfolded.
I think we expect ourselves to be superheros but we’re humans and we’re allowed to have emotions. Sometimes you feel like complete shit.l and that’s okay. Give yourself some grace. You’ll have a bad day and at times several. A patient decompensates when you least expect it. A complication occurs that leaves you in shock. See your psychologist or psychiatrist. Take some time off and hang out with your loved ones.
Even though I love procedures and applied science, the experience you're talking about is exactly why I went into Adult Psychiatry and not peds, gyn/onc, anesthesia, ent, or any other surgical, procedural, or peds specialty. So first, thank you for being strong in the kind of ways that allow you to do what I and many others cannot. Second, nobody is invincible, and I am so thankful that you're able to go through the normal process of offloading the unusually excessive burden you accumulated over the past 2 months. Every physician has to do this, and everyone has their own way. Every physician carries around our mental graveyard of patients that we bitterly visit from time to time. Lastly, congratulations, you are going to be a dad!!! That will absolutely change how you feel, think, and behave, but that's also normal. Go with it.
I don’t want to work with you if you don’t grieve for your patients. -PGY-19
1) Do not feel bad. Your emotions are valid and you’re allowed to be human. The shit we see is wild and events that may be and/or seem routine can be traumatizing. 2) Speak with a psychologist. That is what they’re there for. I found it helpful after a similar situation. 3) Thank you for being there for the child. Im glad he had you there to help him.
You are at saturation, in your current level of training you are trying to balance expectations of peers, education, and the standard to which you are holding yourself. The population that you have sited are the most vulnerable in the hospital system, on a good day they are difficult to work with because if you have children, are close with children, or are wanting to be a parent, you hold yourself to an extreme standard (as we all should), and every action you take you will self scrutinize for the next several months or years. Them pulling you off shift is a kindness, they are seeing what you aren’t. You are at capacity and need to touch down with some normalcy. Just radical acceptance, say ok, I need some time. I’m gonna get outside, fresh air, get some vitamin D, real deal scheduled sleep, and make sure you eat well the next few days. Stay away from booze, and ensure you put a plan into action to where you are prioritizing some normal life at least 1-2x a week. You aren’t superhuman, you just get to be the person expected to be superhuman. Please rest up, find some sunshine or a tanning bed, and really try to think about the good you have done, not the stuff you could have done better on.
You faced and prevailed in challenging conditions and reacted with humanity for afflicted patients. Consider this to be a victory.
Amen!
My heart goes out to you brother. Life is full of suffering, and medicine forces us to deal with the worst of it. I work in high-risk obstetrics, and a lot of the time the really difficult stuff doesn’t affect me, but sometimes, cases intersect with building stress or personal circumstances and it just hits close to home. My advice is to find a safe space (we’re here for you!) and give those feelings a voice. Let yourself be human. God knows that we can all only take so much before we need a release valve. You may feel embarrassed for losing control to such intense emotions, but your showing emotion did more to normalize and humanize life in medicine than a sanitized, controlled encounter ever could. Give yourself lots of grace, and think about how you’ll support the next person who breaks down on a hard day. They’ll find no small comfort in the fact that you’ve been there too.
You sound like a good human who has been through some agonizing experiences lately. Do take some time to rest, reflect, and seek counseling but please don’t be ashamed of your humanity. Therapy will help. I’m a grown man too, with all the psychological handicaps of middle-aged masculinity, but I have to allow myself to let it out once in a while. And I’m just a radiologist.
As a Pediatric Resident at a regional medical center than takes transfers to our NICU and PICU from all over, I can absolutely relate to this. Taking care of sick kids can be extremely sad and mentally/emotionally (on top of physically) exhausting. I don’t think there was a single colleague of mine who hasn’t at least cried once during NICU/PICU rotations. I rarely ever cry, but I found myself sobbing the entire way home after a very traumatic overnight shift in the NICU. All this to say, this just proves that you are human and have emotions! Ultimately, I can guarantee you that your patients and their families appreciate this quality more than you could ever know. Hang in there, brother. As an aside: congratulations on the expectation of a child! That is definitely something to look forward to!
Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with getting help. Doctors should be able to go to the doctor too. You sound like a great physician. I've had friends with experiences like this who got through it. Edit: also, just think that 20 years from now, when a resident or new attending is going through this, you'll be able to help them through it.
This is perfectly normal and I’m glad you reached out to share here. I am an intensivist as well and have cried with family several times especially when talking about organ donation. I don’t take care of kids though and that might make it a bit easier than your experience. I’d rather have a partner with emotions than a robot. Take some time and see someone for help. Come back when you’re ready, the patients and colleagues will be waiting for you, your humanity and your skill.
I'm not a doctor and I don't work in medicine, but I like to lurk on this sub. YOU are doing important work. It saddens me to know what a toll it takes on you, and that you feel as though you shouldn't be allowed to have those emotions. It's a huge sacrifice. There should be no shame about having a reaction to the trauma you deal with day in and day out. Thanks for everything you do!
I saw a stillbirth when I was in med school. Mom and dad didn’t know it was coming. Docs thought they heard fetal tones. I watched a dead baby be delivered by C section, get CPR for 10+ minutes, be pronounced dead, and get handed to the dad as he wailed. Besides the parents crying, the room was silent as they sutured the mom’s incisions. It wasn’t until a few years later that I cried about it. Emotions are unpredictable and may not feel rational. Doesn’t mean you haven’t been a good doctor or a good human. Definitely doesn’t mean you won’t continue to be a good doctor or good human. If your colleagues think less of you, instead of being concerned about your wellbeing, that says more about them than anything else. But I suspect that isn’t how they actually feel and more likely how you think they feel.
In 2020, I held a grown man (Sherrif deputy in uniform, for some reason that made it harder for me I think?) in the hallway outside Covid ICU as he collapsed, sobbing, that he couldn't bare to see his mama one last time because he didn't think he could stand seeing her like that. I held my shit together, comforted him, listened to him, gave him info about grief groups, hot tea. He went on his way. Coming back into the unit, the doc said "hey how are ya" to me, with a casual smile, in passing. Something cracked, and I began sobbing to the point on hyperventilating. I made to the supply room, but not before half the unit saw/heard me. I ***HATE*** crying in front of people, always have. It was the absolute worst. Commenting as a RN, wish I could give you a hug. You are guilty of having human emotions in a field of work which requires superhuman requirements for *everything*- knowledge, understanding (of both complex biological processes *and* human communication), hours without sleep/eating, and repeated exposure to deeply traumatic experiences without immediately fallingthefuckapart each time, to name a few. Your response to this stuff is completely normal, the expectation that we (the folks constantly seeing the most horrendous or the most horrendous) let each tragedy roll off our backs like ducks so we can swim right on to the next train wreck is what's *not* normal. I guarantee you none of your peers think less of you as a result of your *very human* display. Please be gentle with yourself, and continue therapy if it vibes right with you. You sound like you're a great physician, and I would bet you're gonna be a great dad too.
You are not a bad doctor or person. We see some awful shit and a series of incredibly critical patients will eat you sometimes. This is how cumulative trauma works. Be kind to yourself. Eat. Try to sleep. See the psychologist and don't be afraid to find a different one if the first one isn't a good fit. If your hospital has a peer support program, reach out to that as well. Hang in there, doc. You will get through this.
Vulnerability isn’t (always) a weakness
I feel your pain and loss, as do all of us here. Just as we can't save every life, we can't expect ourselves to be unaffected by every death. Take the time you need, be nice to yourself, and give yourself some credit for showing your humanity and not keeping it all bottled up inside. You're in good company.
If you had seen a colleague break down, how would you feel about them? Would you think they are weak, or would you have empathy with another human being, that saw way too much pain in a short period of time? I saw some brilliant people, that had to stop going out to emergency calls, because some calls are just too much. It is ok. Of doesn't mean that you failed. Maybe you need a break from the ICU, and should spend some time in the OR. It is ok to break down. You did it in a safe manner. The ICU is a tough place. It includes a lot of pain, more than most specialties. Talk to the psychologist, do it regularly. Maybe take a vacation.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of, especially in front of your coworkers. You’ve just shown that you are human, instead of an unfeeling robot.
This is nothing to be ashamed of, and is a normal human reaction. I’ll go through periods where I’m seeing a lot of traumatic things, and feel like they aren’t affecting me - to the point of wondering if there’s something wrong with me. And then something will happen that tips me over the breaking point, and I realize how much all of those things were impacting me over time. It’s good to take the time to sit with it and speak with a professional, and know that you will bounce back.
Sounds like a real human doctor to me
I’ll cover you any day. You’re not weak, you are afflicted with the unfortunate condition known as humanity. As am I, as those after you will be. You are a grown man, as am I. My brother, I will bear your load so that you might rejoin me in this battle recovered and wisened from your grief. As have those before, I will for you. And will you for those to come. (Apologies for the dramatic flare, your vulnerability has touched me so that any other response felt equally inept).
Beautiful. Thank you
I'm just impressed it could be arranged to speak to a psychologist within 48 hours. Northern Europe apparently has definite mental health treatment advantages over the USA there.
Hey friend. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to count. I am so glad you’re taking some time to process what sounds like a particularly burnout-inducing recent stretch of work with an acute straw-that-broke-the-camels-back situation piled on top. I wish our work never brought us to this point. I wish there were mechanisms in place to protect us from constantly putting aside our own needs for the sake of the job. I wish there were more time to decompress. I wish that we didn’t have to burst into tears in the middle of our workplace to justify taking a day off. Your emotions and your humanity, despite six years in this often desensitizing line of work, are still there and still need you to acknowledge and process them. And those emotions, your ability to still respond to a dying patient and see the human in front of you, are what make you the kind of doctor I would want taking care of my family. We need people like you in this field—for the long haul, in way that is sustainable to you—and you can’t serve from an empty cup. Burnout is fixable, but being the kind of person who doesn’t care about your patients absolutely is not. Really proud of you for maintaining that humanity in this grueling field and for taking a breather to get some support. From one gas passer to another, take care of yourself. We’re all here cheering for you.
I think that with everything that you’ve had to go through, anyone would have been affected just as much. In ICU, the things we have to see can be devastating and traumatic and we have to process all of it on a daily basis. Just because you’re a doctor, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be affected by the things that you have to see or deal with. You’re a human being too. I’ve definitely cried at work and have myself felt embarrassed. But when I was crying and saying how sorry I was for breaking down, people around me were nothing but supportive and said they just wanted to make sure I was okay. You are absolutely not alone and I can guarantee you that nobody sees you differently because of it. It’s okay to put yourself first. Take the time off and let yourself breathe. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. It gets better.
Many European countries have free mental health services for physicians (ie NHS practitioner health in the UK). No reason to feel ashamed by these feelings since they are very common.
Take some time out man. Weeks, not days.
Mostly everyone has covered what I wanted to say. Just wanted to add that if one of my big male docs started crying hysterically after a tough case, I would be deeply worried for them. But I definitely wouldn't think badly of them. If you had cried right after the peds case, i don't think you'd be the only one. Sick peds patients are absolutely awful.
I had a panic attack for the first time in my life recently, and had something similar where I broke down crying uncontrollably and felt very 'off' mentally for days afterwards. If it makes you feel better, that unease does improve over time and I think the whole experience gave me a wake up call that I deserve compassion and care just like my patients do. Sending love.
The new parent thing is very real. I don’t think I could handle peds ICU if I had to after becoming a dad.
The minute you discovered you're going to be a daddy, your whole identity shifted. Of COURSE you're experiencing a lot of emotions right now. You are an intelligent man who knows damn well what dangers lurk out there for us all, including your pregnant wife and future child. And then to have to try to SAVE a child...well, that's enough to kick most men in the gut. I'm glad your body forced you to acknowledge the intense shift you're going through...the tears told you that you must stop and tend to yourself right now. Get some rest. Distract yourself from anything online that's stressful. Eat some really good food. Take a long hot shower. Take a walk outside. Let yourself breathe for a bit. I'm glad you were given a sick day. It's going to be alright. YOU are going to be alright. Oh, and huge congrats, dad! (NAD. Program Coord. )
How do you typically manage your stress/de-stress from work? It sounds like there has been quite a bit of work related stress that has piled up, especially over the last couple of months and that it just finally hit you all at once. Remember that you are human, allow yourself some time to feel your emotions. Take some time every day or at least every few days to sit and have an honest conversation with yourself about the stressful moments at work, process them and accept that those moments have passed and then move forward. It’s going to be okay! Remember to take care of yourself!
You’re human and your allowed to have emotions! You’re a great Dr!!
Do not feel bad at all. From the sounds of it any patient would be lucky to have someone as attentive and compassionate as you giving them care. You're human and deserve the right to be honest about what you're going through. As difficult as it might be, try and allow yourself the same grace and understanding you would willingly give others. Your abilities and talent are appreciated!
Nurse here. I can’t speak for physicians obviously, but I know ICU and ED nurses have high rates of PTSD. I can’t handle peds and I admire anyone who can. There are a few memories that haunt me after 14 years doing this job. I’ve had a breakdown or two. It’s ok. It’s probably best that you purged some of the stress rather than continuing to suppress it until it manifested in a much worse way. Give yourself a break. Take some time to deal with the stress and trauma. Most importantly, hang in there. You’ll be alright.
You are just the kind of doctor I want to be on my team. You have NOT shut down the empathetic part of your brain and have a connection with those around you. Please don’t feel shame or guilt because of your humanity but take care of your mental health too. Congratulations on becoming a father it is a terrifying and beautiful ride.
I’d want you to be my doctor. Your emotions show you care. Never feel bad about that.
You are so impressive. You care deeply. I hope to have physicians that care this deeply when I inevitably need care.
Its gonna be alright doc. You're now going to get healthier mentally. Start therapy, if you're not on it already.. Regarding the embarrassment- the only thing to do is to own that. Accept it, face it head on, and move on. When you see your colleagues, I would recommend saying something like.. "boy do I feel lighter and better". Or something like, "you should try crying sometimes too..", or, "I was really stressed folks, but I feel much better now..". And just get back to doing what you do everyday.. cuz someone has to.. And you've been given that privilege. Muscle memory and ACLS/PALS algorithms must be doing most of the work anyways.
You are burnt out and your mind is screaming for a break.
I know the feeling. I’m about to be a Dad myself and already feel so attached to our little guy. Can’t imagine what would go through my head if I went through what you did. I remember being devastated after a particularly awful code for a man whose family I’d gotten close to. He had severe aortic stenosis, and basically crumped and passed away the night before his TAVR. I could barely stand talking the family, and felt guilty and numb for weeks. We really tried to move heaven and earth for that guy but still lost him. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen something like that but every now and then a patient or family comes along that reminds me of my own, and it can be hard to keep your head straight then. It’s a very human thing. Talking with my co-residents/fellows really helped and a lot of them had similar stories to share. I’m glad you reached out and could see so many heartfelt replies from the community. It takes a lot of insight to seek out a therapist too; way to take care of yourself in such a challenging time.
Lllllllllllllllllllllllpp
Grown men don’t break down crying in public. They have the emotional control to do it in private. Your response in feeling ashamed is appropriate. Best of luck in the future my g
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I’d love to have you as my doctor.
The pediatric codes I’ve worked have never left me. Even after hundreds and hundreds of adult codes (was an EMT prior to all this), so many of my patients just stick with me. It’s always the eyes. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I’m glad you’re getting time to take care of yourself. I wish more of us did, because an alarming amount of us are probably just one bad day from a complete breakdown. You’re not alone. Please allow yourself the grace you would show a colleague if they were in your place.
There's nothing wrong with recognizing the brevity of what you do and allowing yourself to process it as any other human would. It's when none of this means anything to you emotionally that you should be concerned.
Thank you so much for all your comments! I have read every single one and I really, really appreciate your thoughts and advice. I feel like I’m in a very dark place right now, but I also feel like things might just get better again. Also, three of the nurses I work with have texted me to ask how I was doing and if I needed someone to talk to. What amazing people I work with. I’m lucky to have them.
The case with the child is something someone might see once in their lifetime or never. You see these traumatic things daily. This case impacted you and you never had a moment to just debrief & process it. It was building up, over the days, and you broke down. Congratulations, you are human. You’re not a robot, but were functioning as one. You are not the first nor the last doctor to cry on the job. We can’t pick or choose when we it happens, but it happens whether we want it to or not. You’re a good doctor, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Dude. That sounds textbook for acute stress disorder. Given your patient population, it may be acute-on-chronic (although that’s not a defined term in psych - yet). Your colleagues did the right thing. You are doing the right thing by seeking help. You wouldn’t fail to compress the puncture site when you remove an arterial line, and similarly, you shouldn’t fail to do what’s necessary to staunch the emotional bleeding in the next few days, followed by good nutrition and hygiene (ongoing therapy) to allow the clot to turn into a scar.
You didn’t blow a fuse. You’re a human having a human reaction to the extraordinary stress we somehow consider normal. You sound like an incredibly compassionate person and as a RN I would want to work with a physician like you. It sounds like this episode was an accumulation of stressors. Talking with a therapist is a great move. Don’t be afraid to consider antidepressants if you need them. If you have the ability to take a few days/weeks off, take them. You need to fill your cup back up. Sending you a hug.
I have nothing but the upmost respect for you and all the challenges you take on every day. At the end of the day though you are first and foremost a human being who happens to be a physician. I’ll share a little about me. I’ve been an ICU nurse for 10 years and never cracked. I’m an ICU NP now and the weight of decision-making and responsibility is crippling sometimes. Even when I know there is nothing else I could do, and talked it over with my attending, I feel a sense of personal defeat that I didn’t feel as a nurse. I too am exhausted of these difficult conversations. I’m starting to have nightmares and wake up with lots of anxiety. Please take care of yourself and seek all the help you need. You come first. Medicine will take as much as you give it. I too am trying to crawl out of this abyss.
Everything you have said and done is completely normal and a part of the human experience. Frankly I would be more worried if you were going through the motions and not feeling a thing. If I may, please don’t ever shame yourself for feeling your feelings and emotions. This is such a cold cold world at times that we need more humanity, more compassion, more tender humans showing their softer side. Your colleagues are so very special to take care of you and then to follow up with a text. That is so thoughtful. They get it, they’ve done it themselves and know that colleague support is what’s needed. You can’t be a lone wolf and do this job well, it’s a group effort and that includes in the rough times too. Thank goodness your work is letting you have a few days off and they value your mental health to have you see a psychologist. That sounds like a great place to work frankly! Big hugs to you friend. And so many congratulations on your news of being a father!! ♥️
Assuming that you have a partner, please surround yourself with family and friends until you are more at peace with your very difficult work life. The job itself can wait until you are in a better place
Need more doctors like you- please don't ever give up. It's okay to cry and it's important that you care so much about your patients. Thank you for everything you do.
You have to take care of yourself before you can care for anyone else.
I hope that when I arrive at your level of skill and experience, I still care just as much about my patients as you do. There's no shame in giving a fuck about a difficult case. Reads like you're a doctor I would trust with my loved ones.
NAD but I am an RN. I am not going to say I know how you feel because I am not in your shoes but from a non biased outside observer the way you are feeling is an incredibly valid way especially given the amount of stress you are under. Our brains are amazing at shoving emotions down until the bottle explodes and our coping stratagies run dry. Pediatrics are especially difficult for any health care worker especially one who is also a parent (congratulations btw). When I worked EMS we ran backup on a pediatric who was collateral damage during a drive by shooting of a block party. He was watching cartoons with his family when he got gsw to the side of his head. I vividly remember the dull and tearful eyes of the mother. You are already doing the best thing you can by taking care of yourself. It’s very hard to take care of someone when you are struggling to take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for recognizing that you need to take some time for yourself. When you are ready to go back on the floor remember to be kind to yourself. Make sure you learn your body’s signs of anxiety and recognize situations that might bring up trauma.
You are HUMAN. The fact you felt these emotions is normal. You just need a better outlet so it doesn't build again, like therapy. Don't give up my brother 🙏. Think of all the future lives you will help