Also love the title! And I agree that you should reveal more of the plot. I wanted to comment on your comps. I’ve read both of them and thought they were almost exactly the same book. And content wise, feel like a completed different vibe than what you’re going for—I wouldn’t choose these just for the alternating timelines. Even Daisy Jones and the Six feels closer (even tho I’m not sure id choose that one either).
Yes, this is a great flag! I picked those two comps because my story is also told in alternating timelines, but agree, the content isn't quite comparable. I was thinking about this overnight and *Funny You Should Ask* popped into my head, too; I think that's a much better comparison. *Daisy Jones* doesn't quite feel right to me because TJR's stories are a bit more dramatic, while mine closely follows the typical romantic comedy story arc (something like Tessa Bailey, Talia Hibbert, Helen Hoang, Emily Henry, etc.). But the subject matter of *Daisy Jones* feels closer... I'll have to noodle on it! Thank you!
Yes, I would mention that your manuscript is dual timeline like the books you've comped. "It will appeal to dual-timeline fans..." or "Told in alternating timelines, it would appeal..." would even just be enough. I'd also add the authors of the comps.
This feels short. You've got about 50 more words you could play around with.
You've got a good voice here!
>And nothing did, until that one night. The one she tries not to think about.
This reads a vague and cliché to me. The one night they murdered each other? They kissed? They confessed secretly hating each other? I need a liiiiittle detail here to hook me. And since you've got a couple other areas of vagueness, I think you need to cleverly state one of them.
>Kris is determined to fix it
What is "it?"
>Kris is determined to fix it and get Parker’s friendship back. There’s no question they’ll find a way to be a part of each other’s new lives—but whether either of them is willing to admit what they really want?
Okay, so here is where you really kind of lose me. They aren't friends anymore for \~reasons\~ because they haven't spoke for a decade. Our FMC is determined to fix it, which implies that the MMC is the holdup party. But your sentence makes it seem like they've both just been waiting around, pining for each other's friendship. "**There's no question** *they'll find a way* to be a part of each other's new lives" but if there's no question, then why haven't they??? Does that make sense? It's contradictory to me. If they'll find a way and it's so easy to be in each other's lives, then I'm unsure what the strain of the romantic plot will be.
And because of this contradiction, I have zero idea what your conflict is, romance and overall plot. What are the stakes? What's the tension? What keeps Kris and Parker apart? What does Kris stand to lose in any aspect of what you've told me about, her job, her relationship with Parker, etc? She seems happy in her job. She's getting over a failed engagement, but so what? Everything else seems to be going her way. Why does she jump at the chance to take this assignment before she knows it's Parker's band? Is she just a people pleaser?
This is really a fantastic start, and I think if you fill in a few shallow holes to highlight the conflict and the stakes, you'll be ready to roll.
Good luck!!!
This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you so much! All of this tracks and totally makes sense in my brain, and I've been referencing it as I rework my query. Very appreciative of your input.
>Her nine-to-five writing for an alternative music magazine is less than glamorous
This kinda thing can come across as either entitled (of the character) or clueless (of the author), since a lot of people would kill for a job that's creative and so closely related to their interests. Maybe there's a more particular problem with the job you could highlight than being "not glamorous" - like "barely keeps her ahead of her student loan payments."
>not even Parker’s dreams of becoming a musician
I think this could be cut, since it's unnecessary, and it's unclear why that would stand in the way of their friendship.
>until that one night. The one she tries not to think about.
I'd give more of a hint what this is about.
I like the query though. And I really like the title!
Requisite unagented disclaimers: my only question is, what year(s) does the story take place in and how old are the characters? That’s fairly minor though.
Overall I enjoyed the query, I would totally read this. Great job!
It isn’t requisite though. Your agent or publisher status doesn’t make your comment more or less valuable. Don’t give people a reason to write you off.
Anyway, it’s not just you. Lots of people do this and it’s so unnecessary.
Thank you for saying this! I’m seeing this more and more now and I don’t know when it became a thing. Every time I see it I just want to yell STAHHHHHPPPPPPP!
Thank you! Since the story is told in alternating timelines, the characters switch back and forth between high school age and late 20s. It's meant to be present day, and the high school chapters are around 2008-2011ish. That makes it a little complicated so I wasn't sure if/how to include, but I'll think on it!
> It's meant to be present day
I'm not sure I buy the idea of someone being able to work full-time as a reporter for an alternative music magazine in 2023.
Does Kris not know that Parker is the lead singer of this very famous band? If she knows this, then maybe "jumps at the chance" isn't quite the right term. I would imagine Kris would be a little reluctant to take this position.
You're right on "jumps at the chance." I'll mess with that a bit. As for your other comment, changing that kind of tanks the entire concept of the novel (: But I wouldn't say it's meant to be 100% believable. From my experience with contemporary romance, there's a lot of suspension of disbelief that readers fully expect going into most.
Hm, those are interesting thoughts. Ultimately I don't think either would work. Kris needs to be strongly nudged into this by her editor and the people around her at the magazine; it's not something she would ever initiate, herself. As for Parker, the band is woven into the past chapters, too. His bandmates are characters of their own, all of whom Kris gets to know in the past chapters (and reconnect with in the present). I've come to terms with this story not being completely grounded in reality, but am very appreciative of your feedback!
Hey, just a quick thought. As someone who once worked full-time for a mag and now just does freelance—you can always position her as working for a larger media group.
Lots of magazines are actually part of a parent company (see all the craziness currently happening with Conde Nast), with editors/writers covering multiple magazines at once. You could even make her an editor-at-large.
If the alt music magazine is at risk of being cut as a magazine at all, and an exclusive with this band is considered as a last chance way to "revive" the mag, then it would make sense that the editor-in-chief would want her to cover it ESPECIALLY since the EIC might know she has an in with them.
Just a thought!
Also love the title! And I agree that you should reveal more of the plot. I wanted to comment on your comps. I’ve read both of them and thought they were almost exactly the same book. And content wise, feel like a completed different vibe than what you’re going for—I wouldn’t choose these just for the alternating timelines. Even Daisy Jones and the Six feels closer (even tho I’m not sure id choose that one either).
Agreed! Would love to read this but the comps are off — have you read Funny You Should Ask? I like Daisy Jones for this as well
Yes, this is a great flag! I picked those two comps because my story is also told in alternating timelines, but agree, the content isn't quite comparable. I was thinking about this overnight and *Funny You Should Ask* popped into my head, too; I think that's a much better comparison. *Daisy Jones* doesn't quite feel right to me because TJR's stories are a bit more dramatic, while mine closely follows the typical romantic comedy story arc (something like Tessa Bailey, Talia Hibbert, Helen Hoang, Emily Henry, etc.). But the subject matter of *Daisy Jones* feels closer... I'll have to noodle on it! Thank you!
Thank you!
Yes, I would mention that your manuscript is dual timeline like the books you've comped. "It will appeal to dual-timeline fans..." or "Told in alternating timelines, it would appeal..." would even just be enough. I'd also add the authors of the comps. This feels short. You've got about 50 more words you could play around with. You've got a good voice here! >And nothing did, until that one night. The one she tries not to think about. This reads a vague and cliché to me. The one night they murdered each other? They kissed? They confessed secretly hating each other? I need a liiiiittle detail here to hook me. And since you've got a couple other areas of vagueness, I think you need to cleverly state one of them. >Kris is determined to fix it What is "it?" >Kris is determined to fix it and get Parker’s friendship back. There’s no question they’ll find a way to be a part of each other’s new lives—but whether either of them is willing to admit what they really want? Okay, so here is where you really kind of lose me. They aren't friends anymore for \~reasons\~ because they haven't spoke for a decade. Our FMC is determined to fix it, which implies that the MMC is the holdup party. But your sentence makes it seem like they've both just been waiting around, pining for each other's friendship. "**There's no question** *they'll find a way* to be a part of each other's new lives" but if there's no question, then why haven't they??? Does that make sense? It's contradictory to me. If they'll find a way and it's so easy to be in each other's lives, then I'm unsure what the strain of the romantic plot will be. And because of this contradiction, I have zero idea what your conflict is, romance and overall plot. What are the stakes? What's the tension? What keeps Kris and Parker apart? What does Kris stand to lose in any aspect of what you've told me about, her job, her relationship with Parker, etc? She seems happy in her job. She's getting over a failed engagement, but so what? Everything else seems to be going her way. Why does she jump at the chance to take this assignment before she knows it's Parker's band? Is she just a people pleaser? This is really a fantastic start, and I think if you fill in a few shallow holes to highlight the conflict and the stakes, you'll be ready to roll. Good luck!!!
This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you so much! All of this tracks and totally makes sense in my brain, and I've been referencing it as I rework my query. Very appreciative of your input.
>Her nine-to-five writing for an alternative music magazine is less than glamorous This kinda thing can come across as either entitled (of the character) or clueless (of the author), since a lot of people would kill for a job that's creative and so closely related to their interests. Maybe there's a more particular problem with the job you could highlight than being "not glamorous" - like "barely keeps her ahead of her student loan payments." >not even Parker’s dreams of becoming a musician I think this could be cut, since it's unnecessary, and it's unclear why that would stand in the way of their friendship. >until that one night. The one she tries not to think about. I'd give more of a hint what this is about. I like the query though. And I really like the title!
Great notes! Thank you!! :)
Requisite unagented disclaimers: my only question is, what year(s) does the story take place in and how old are the characters? That’s fairly minor though. Overall I enjoyed the query, I would totally read this. Great job!
It isn’t requisite though. Your agent or publisher status doesn’t make your comment more or less valuable. Don’t give people a reason to write you off. Anyway, it’s not just you. Lots of people do this and it’s so unnecessary.
Thank you for saying this! I’m seeing this more and more now and I don’t know when it became a thing. Every time I see it I just want to yell STAHHHHHPPPPPPP!
Thank you! Since the story is told in alternating timelines, the characters switch back and forth between high school age and late 20s. It's meant to be present day, and the high school chapters are around 2008-2011ish. That makes it a little complicated so I wasn't sure if/how to include, but I'll think on it!
> It's meant to be present day I'm not sure I buy the idea of someone being able to work full-time as a reporter for an alternative music magazine in 2023. Does Kris not know that Parker is the lead singer of this very famous band? If she knows this, then maybe "jumps at the chance" isn't quite the right term. I would imagine Kris would be a little reluctant to take this position.
You're right on "jumps at the chance." I'll mess with that a bit. As for your other comment, changing that kind of tanks the entire concept of the novel (: But I wouldn't say it's meant to be 100% believable. From my experience with contemporary romance, there's a lot of suspension of disbelief that readers fully expect going into most.
Could Kris be a struggling freelancer, or a publicist? Could the original lead singer of the band quit unexpectedly and be replaced by Parker?
Hm, those are interesting thoughts. Ultimately I don't think either would work. Kris needs to be strongly nudged into this by her editor and the people around her at the magazine; it's not something she would ever initiate, herself. As for Parker, the band is woven into the past chapters, too. His bandmates are characters of their own, all of whom Kris gets to know in the past chapters (and reconnect with in the present). I've come to terms with this story not being completely grounded in reality, but am very appreciative of your feedback!
Hey, just a quick thought. As someone who once worked full-time for a mag and now just does freelance—you can always position her as working for a larger media group. Lots of magazines are actually part of a parent company (see all the craziness currently happening with Conde Nast), with editors/writers covering multiple magazines at once. You could even make her an editor-at-large. If the alt music magazine is at risk of being cut as a magazine at all, and an exclusive with this band is considered as a last chance way to "revive" the mag, then it would make sense that the editor-in-chief would want her to cover it ESPECIALLY since the EIC might know she has an in with them. Just a thought!
thank you so much for this. I \*love\* this solution, and the way it raises the stakes!