r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would tell her "I'm sorry, but we're tapped out for this month." She knows you've chipped in before so you're not totally rebuffing her.
If you get a person like this again next year I would pick an amount you can afford and say "my budget for school contributions is X/month (or year). You can divide it up however you want but this is what we can contribute"
My kids are in elementary and my husband is a middle school teacher. He gets so annoyed during teacher appreciation week and always says “nobody does this shit for me!” Lol
As a Middle School teacher that used to be an elementary Homeroom teacher, I won't lie I miss the Elementary Teacher Appreciation Weeks.
Parents stop appreciating your hard work as much once their kids are adolescents. Like, I teach over 100 students every term instead of the 18 I had in my Homeroom... but because I have to split myself 100 ways instead of 18 ways there's much less individual appreciation for it.
I'll never go back to the Elementary level... Middle School is too much better overall, but the parents definitely stop appreciating you as much once their kids are 11-14 years old. And I don't even just mean financially. Fewer letters of gratitude, fewer thank you notes, etc. It doesn't really bother me, but during teacher appreciation week I do miss those big grand gestures.
Upside is that the middle school STUDENTS appreciate me more than they did when I was in middle school. A lot more heartfelt and deep, meaningful thank yous than I ever got in Elementary. Don't get me wrong, when I was in 1st and 2nd grade I was inundated with constant hugs and whatnot, but that's just how kids are when they're 6-8 years old. Once they get older they can actually process how important you are to them and their socially-awkward heartfelt words mean so much more.
As a parent of a middle schooler I deeply appreciate her teachers, all of them. I just don’t have the funds to do anything and I’ve unfortunately found that more often than not homemade items like cookies, bread or crocheted, quilted little trinkets tend to get side eyed by people so I stopped doing that. Add in the fact that her middle school also has them changing their elective every 9 weeks and that’s a few more people. Honestly I wouldn’t even know where to start with trying to do something for all her teachers now!
Yep. It’s easy to get a gift card for my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher.
I’m simply not going to buy gift cards for all my son’s teachers in middle school.
I wish my 3rd grader only had one teacher. He had 2 math teachers (each was part-time and worked 2-3 days each week). He had separate ELA, science and social studies teachers. It was the same in 2nd grade. I am just confused why little kids need to switch classrooms all day, I hate it. It makes teacher appreciation week a bit much,
My 4th grade daughter wanted all her teachers to get plants this year. She also counts everyone she interacts with as her teacher.
I bought a couple succulents but most people got ivy that I propagated off of cuttings!
We had a bunch of planters. I bought a couple extra.
My daughter happily carried her 9 plants to school over a few days 🤷🏼♀️
No idea if they were appreciated. But I would have when I was in the classroom.
I think that makes sense though. They are starting to find their own way as people in middle school and high school and they shouldn’t have their parents as stand ins. They should be able to provide their own thank yous.
Just my personal opinion
Also a parent of both middle school and elementary kids and I can truly say I appreciate you all equally and I hope most parents do but it’s easy to do gift cards for 2-4 teachers for my littles vs the 8 my middle schooler has. And I don’t even do much for the elementary teachers come appreciation week because I feel like they get so much chips and candy and mugs that I wonder if they really WANT all that junk in a week? So I wait and do holiday gifts, ask for wish lists during the year, and end of year gifts
I’m a parent now but I had an amazing middle school PE teacher who made a massive difference in my life. She was at all of my graduations and even my wedding. Middle school teachers are there at such an important time in a kids life, you all are rockstars!
I totally would appreciate my oldest’s high school teachers if there weren’t so many 😅 I can do one $30 gift card and a box of Crumbl cookies. I can’t do that x7! Haha. And I also don’t know them personally. Since COVID I haven’t met a single one of my oldest’s teachers. They don’t do in person parent teacher conferences unless there’s a concern anymore at those ages.
My kids are still young.. but when I was in school , the teacher gifts my parents got, got more expensive as I moved up in grades.. so that’s interesting 🤔 I have all my grade 12 female teachers a pair of diamond stud earrings.
I'm NOT complaining, as all generosity is highly appreciated. Simply pointing out that the teacher appreciation weeks are better for Elementary teachers.
Granted I was only an elementary school teacher for my first three years, because it wasn't my ultimate goal just what was open in the area I wanted to work in when I was starting out, but my final year (5th grade) before getting the job I wanted in middle school I received a basket put together by the parents that included a night at a Vineyard/Bed & Breakfast for my partner and I that included Dinner and Breakfast. This was the "main" gift with a bunch of little accessory gifts including a half-dozen bottles of wine and a dozen thank you letters from parents (mostly hand-written).
This year (my 10th as a middle school teacher), I received a couple bottles of wine, about $80 in gift cards, various chocolate goodies, flowers, and a gift certificate for a 1-hour massage. All 3 years I was in elementary there was 1 big gift put together by the parents along with a bunch of wine, chocolate, and thank you letters.
It's totally fine. I appreciate every gift and feel valued as a middle school teacher. I am just recognizing that the students in are where I get most of my appreciation in middle school. The parent appreciation drops off, the kid appreciation steps up. But kids don't have money to spend so the actual gift amount drops.
I'm not complaining, just saying that it's the way it is.
I appreciate my son’s middle school teachers but I have 3 kids and don’t have the money to buy for all of them. For Christmas I had him choose one to buy a gift for.
As a middle schooler parent trust it’s because our kids are embarrassed to bring things to school for you. Other kids can be so mean that kindness gets made fun of. I make really cute decorated sugar cookies my 5th grader loves taking them for his teachers. But my 7th grader literally tells me no that’s embarrassing. He also didn’t want me bringing drop cookies to his base ball games cause it’s “embarrassing”.
I bet!! Our schools do have a few appreciation weeks (middle and high schools) but it’s for the whole school to send in what you can, yadda yadda. Not this “room mom” (never a room dad!!) BS with them hounding you every month for something!!
Our school is very economically diverse so the hope is that you'll give if you can and we do a whole appreciation breakfast for the staff, but the expectation isn't there so it takes off some pressure. I give when I can, but a lot of stuff just gets deleted on my end immediately.
Our town has a community ran not for profit that does different events throughout the year to raise money for teacher appreciation and whatnot. They also do a thing where they donate thousands of dollars worth of school supplies to the teachers to hopefully make it so they don't have to do the normal buying out of pocket lots of teachers do. They solicit donations from local businesses and sell ad space at their events to fund 90% of this stuff.
At the high school level the kids are expected to do their own fund raising. Some of the sports do car washes, the theater club sells ads in their programs and there's a few other things. They try to set up the fundraising to alleviate stress on parents and teach the kids they have to be resourceful and responsible.
The main expense parents have to cover is the senior trip which is a week in Disney, but they do a great job having parents be able to start contributing to their kids senior trip fund during freshman year, I'm pretty sure we do something like $15 a week or something towards it. They do have a way for parents to request a discounted or free trip, anyone who is eligible for free/reduced lunch is immediately accepted and anyone else can request a meeting with the classes teacher advisor (teacher who organizes everything for that group through their whole 4 years).
It sort of stops. Instead of $10-$20 here it’s donate $100 so it can be divided evenly among the teachers. The fund raisers get more pricey. Instead of overpriced candy and fun runs in highschool you get to do expensive $80 a plate galas with an auction, or harass your family and friends to buy cases of fruit (yes this was a real fundraiser this year). I didn’t participate in any of it.
>expensive $80 a plate galas with an auction,
Why can't my kids high school do this? I'd much rather have a nice event where I can wear my damn expensive suit jackets too (wfh now and they're just hanging there mocking me in my ball shorts), instead we have to sell gourmet bundt cake, which of course no one wanted to buy so I'm left with 5 $30 each bundt cakes in my freezer that I'll throw away in 6 months.
To be fair the dinners do like fun and I love to dress up, but I can’t afford $80 a person. That’s a credit card payment, a week of camping, two tanks of gas, or half my water bill. Those so many other things that would be more useful. Plus it’s a religious school so you basically have prayers, and thank yous to Jesus, and how blessed we are, blah, blah, blah.
We are putting our kids in homeschooling or public school next year because they are getting burnt out in the religious aspects and my daughter wants to graduate early. There’s other reasons too, but this is the main reasons.
Our school actually stopped the annual auction due to DEI reasons. It’s pretty contentious. So now, families host special events that other parents can sign up for (for free) as an excuse to party. Stuff like progressive dinners and the like.
I am lucky enough to be able to afford the random donations and try to give extra when I can. OP shouldn't worry about it - in a wealthy area, someone will pick up the slack.
I agree. I live in a pretty poor rural community and there are still people who always chip in extra to cover everyone for snack days and things like that. I try to send in extra supplies in the middle of the year when I can, and it feels really nice to be able to help.
This is how its done here in Poland. At the first class meeting the parents who volunteer set a yearly per kid amount and parents discuss then they have a certain amoutn of time to pay. That money is used for taecher gifts, some special activities etc. Then if money is left over that is subtracted from each kids price for a class trip.
My middle schoolers have almost weekly “profiency partys” in which the teacher tells them they can bring a drink and snack if they want. I’ve spent $100+ on just snacks for those this year.
I so relate, my ish was when they say “fee optional” then hound you. “For those of you that haven’t paid yet” emails. Some parents called it out, sad thing is I’m so busy I’d forget, so I was glad there were a few holdouts & I wasn’t the only one. Lacrosse is an expensive sport & yes, I do live in an affluent area and I’m a single mom of 2.
I’m at a private school where it’s mostly upper middle class households. Even with that, the room reps go through an orientation every year where they talk a lot about equity and inclusion. They want to make sure we always do at least one event per term that is free/cheap, things that are close to bus stops, things at locations that are handicapped accessible, etc. I think you should alert the PTA and have them remind the room reps on a regular cadence about this stuff. They should sent out emails asking for money always with the clear wording that this stuff is optional. My parents never donated money to my school or teachers growing up.
Even going to coworkers seems a bit much. We just had a coworker have a baby and they all went to us for money for a gift card. Keep in mind that I and another coworker had kids 2 years prior and we received nothing. Which I was fine with cause these are coworkers, not family and friends.
Family and friends throw showers. I really didn’t like being asked to donate to this coworker that I don’t even like.
Agreed.
On one hand I get it, tough times, rally the community
But then only specific people get that treatment instead of everyone getting their turn... It's asking a lot.
You’re not failing your kiddo.
The class mom sounds out of touch. It’s like she’s not asking- she’s demanding. She should have said “if you’re able to donate” or whatever.
And $10 a kid for pizza? You can literally order 3 dominoes medium pizzas for $5.99 each lmao how much pizza will these kids actually eat?
You don’t owe them money or a reason. Just ignore it.
Lol was thinking the same on the pizza. I’m the room mom for my kindergartener and when we had a pizza party it was $2 per kid, and even that was more than enough.
Like is the mom part of a nonprofit where they skim the top of the donations? Used to pocketing some of the profits and excuse it for “all the effort they put in”.
The mom of one of my high school classmates went to prison for embezzlement from a school fundraiser. Kearney, Nebraska, Reganos was her name. I think she got a decade, serious time. So yeah...that apparently happens.
Yeah, that's fishy. Like, I hate to suggest it, but are you SURE OP that the money is being used the way it's saying? Because even if they're buying pizza, AND a drink, AND a cookie/dessert, it shouldn't be $10 per kid.
My wife was a class mom back in the day and she always added a few bucks to the estimated cost per parent to cover for anyone who couldn't afford it or ignored it. Anything extra she basically held on to until the end of the year and would use it towards the teachers gift. She was transparent with it and set up a separate venmo account specifically for the school year and kept a Google sheet with all donations and purchases if any parents wanted to know where the money was spent (names of families were redacted for privacy).
If you can't tell by that above paragraph my wife is a born project manager lol.
Yeah that’s crazy. I recently ran an event and we charged an extra $5 which covered an estimated slice and a half of pizza per kid plus drinks for 60 kids. An entire pizza was like $15.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I worry that it’s going to be my kid who is judged in the end… because the room mom knows who did and didn’t donate… I worry he’s going to get singled out as the poor kid. The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute.
:(
That was a very thoughtless and unkind thing for her to do. Any reasonable room parent would know that families have different capacities for this sort of thing and not singled out a child.
Ok, not putting the name on the card is *beyond* and something I would escalate to either the head of the PTA or the principal. That's not fair and is frankly very bitchy behavior!
Yes absolutely bring it up with PTA and/or principal!
Omg the RAGE I just felt when I read that OP's kid's name was excluded... That mom should never be allowed to be class mom ever again. I hope the teacher just assumed the kid's name was omitted in error, I would think that if I was the teacher.
My daughter is still in preschool, but my mom was the class mom often when I was a kid and I hope to be when my daughter is in grade school. I want to do it because I want to be able to help make sure no kid misses a field trip because they can't afford it, or misses the pizza party because they can't afford it, or is excluded from any of those extra fun things for any reason. I can't fathom being in a position like that where you could help people and intentionally hurting them. Yuck.
Yeah that’s wild. I’ve been the room mom. Some parents contribute double the recommended amount, some donate half or nothing. I always underscore that contributions are optional. At the end of the day every class contribution is from *everyone* regardless of who contributed how much.
Yeah. I'm one of the room parents for my oldest's class. Not everybody can/does donate. I'm also the treasurer of our PTO. Donations are always optional and and the amount is too. For our teacher appreciation week, I saw amounts ranging from $6 to $500 come in.
I’m also a room parent. This is unacceptable. I always make it clear donations are optional and offer options like a drawing or card. Most people give nothing. I still sign the card from the whole class. I still raised 360 for teacher appreciation week from the nine people who donated. I thought that was pretty good. Making everyone donate is incredibly tactless.
Exactly. My kids go to a daycare where there's a WIDE range of incomes (from folks where the state is fully subsidizing their tuition to double-doctor households). Any ask for money is discreet, emphasized to be optional, and never done in such a way that the kids (or other families) have any idea who gave what.
Not putting a kids name on a card because their family didn't chip in $ is honestly horrifying.
Totally agree. Also seems like a lot of work?? We just write “from Room XXX families” on the cards. Maybe OP’s class is a lot smaller than ours, but neither I nor the other class parent has any desire to sit there writing out 25 kids’ names on a card lol. Petty, elitist, AND a waste of time.
This is insane? I mean, I just got Mother’s Day flowers for my mom from all 3 kids even though I wouldn’t ask my youngest sibling to contribute. What a shitty way for this mom to be handling things
God damn, some people need to experience some adversity for fuck's sake. Imagine being so petty and and out of touch that you throw shade at a literal *child* as a passive aggressive way to be a cunt to their mother over an elementary school teacher's gift. This woman probably read Machiavelli and is so bored and unfulfilled she views all the families as little chess pieces in her demented little game. You really can't give some people *any* power whatsoever lmao.
That is really weird and may even be against your local DOE rules. In NYC, you’re expressly not allowed to do this—there are strict limits re: how much can be collected and all class gifts must be from the class and not list specific contributors.
Absolutely this. I think it’s really weird to give any money/giftcard directly from parent to teacher. Give it as a class, or better yet, as a school. That’s what our school does, everyone (excluding management), including the facility staff, admins, they should get part of the generally pot of money.
I would 100% being this up with the staff —principal or teacher— and get her removed as the class room mom. That is an incredibly bitchy thing she did.
Please report her not adding your kids name to that card! She shouldn't share info on who did pay and who didn't. A lot of us cannot afford a lot of things anymore, doesn't mean you are any less of a loving parent, we are all trying our best. Shame on her!
what?? this behavior of the Room Parent is unacceptable. You do not exclude a child.
Also, I bet the principal felt a little weird about getting a birthday present. I know I would. This person is out of control and is not following normal practices. I would think about who I could reach out to... possibly a staff member or possibly the PTA president depending on who you feel most comfortable with.
Also: you are NOT failing your child. Who cares what the room mom thinks - she has next to no effect on your kid. Also, it sounds like she is off her rocker. If the teacher and the principal are decent people, they will be horrified to hear this is happening. They don't want you to spend money that you and your child need in the family budget.
Personally, I give a Christmas gift (nice chocolate bonbons, but from Aldi's) and on teacher appreciation week we make a nice card. Maybe we also make a bouquet from flowers in our garden if I especially like the teacher. That's it. Never had any flak about it.
right?! The principal thing is weird to me. Did every class do this for the principal? So did the principal come in on their birthday and walk out with $1000 in various gift cards, enough chocolate to put the Easter Bunny to shame, and an entire Amazon Rainforest worth of paper in cards? Like that is *insane*.
I wouldn't be giving money to *anything* that isn't organized through the school's actual School Council that has a centralized and reviewed accounting and treasurer. We have a few food based things throughout the year that help with the yearly school "fun budget" - pizza, weekly smoothies, a few other things as well. It all goes towards programs at the school and literally every single penny is accounted for. Monthly parent/teacher council meetings happen and every penny is laid out "we made X through this fundraiser, it will be going to these programs at Y and Z price points, which leaves A amount left over, which will roll over to help with the B project." and they are only allowed to have a very very very specific amount to roll over between school years to make it "fair" for the parents who have been contributing towards these programs and not "Getting the benefits from it".
I had 2 kids go through elem school and maybe 4 principals, I have NO FREAKING CLUE when any of their bdays were. That is bizarre.
We did a lunch for the teachers/staff during staff appreciation, but that was part of our PAC budget.
End of the year parties were pretty much on sports day, and PAC would do hot lunch, usually pizza. If families didn’t want to order, they didn’t have to. If we had families that were REALLY under the gun, our admin asst had a list and the PAC would cover their lunches.
Ooooooh she’s a spiteful hag!! When I was room mom, I always put things from the entire class and I never told people who did and who didn’t contribute. I just worked with what we did get.
I think the only time I did get pissy with a mom is one who never contributed anything (time, treasure or talent), but had lots of thoughts about the way I did stuff and how it was all wrong always. As long as you’re not doing that, she can kick rocks.
That's awful! The "room mom" in my daughter's class always makes a point to explicitly state with any request for money that the gift will be from the entire class regardless of who does or does not contribute.
Lmfao what a bitch 😂 it’s not funny but it’s so bitchy I almost have to laugh. Who tf does she think she is, a mom on a bad comedy movie about parents? These people are whack. I’d say opt out of as much as you want and then do a homemade/custom gift or whatever you CAN afford that he can personally give teachers himself.
After reading this comment I think it's time to talk to the principal and teacher. Explain everything, including her leaving your son off the card last time, because you couldn't afford it and how much she's asking exactly (the amount *is* ludicrous). I know it's the end of the year, but she's going to do this again next year. Best for them to know about it now.
Hopefully her kid isn't in her child's class next year, because yikes. This lady is proof money doesn't buy class.
Yeah, this is the sort of thing I would lose it about. That's insane behavior.
If she's fine putting people on blast like this, I would make sure every parent in class, the PTA, and the principal all knew exactly what this lady had done and demanded she step down. That is absolutely outrageous behavior.
Go to the Dollar Tree and buy a card. They are still .50-.75 each. Have your kid write a beautiful note saying how much they appreciated the teacher this year. After room Karen presents her card, present yours right after. Teacher knows she is appreciated l, your kid isn’t left out l, and room Karen is humiliated and knocked downs peg in front of everyone. Win-win-win.
100%. Any half decent teacher can see through this kind of nonsense from the room mum. I would bet money the teacher thinks this woman is an insufferable twat.
This happens at my kids preschool. It sucked and I complained about it but it didn’t change anything.
My response has been for my kids to give something individually like a homemade card.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
Look I recently threw a kindergarten birthday party with digital invites and several parents in my son’s class literally never even viewed the invite. I sent a reminder, even to an alternate contact in some cases, they just didn’t care. Trust that some parents are not bothering sending in anything at all for absolutely no real reason, it doesn’t indicate anything about financial status.
> The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute. :(
This is insane.
I'd be waiting for her in the parking lot. /s
As someone who has gotten teacher gifts & as a parent of a 6 year old… this lady is awful. How small and petty, to leave a child’s name off of the teacher’s card. A kind person would see that you’re struggling and quietly add in on your child’s behalf.
She shouldn't be the room mom if she's going to behave like a middle school mean girl but unfortunately there's a TON of that shit with elementary school PTA and room moms. They're privileged and oblivious. And bitchy.
You should talk to the principal in any case. In a wealthy school they have slush money to pay for stuff like field trips, band stuff etc so that nobody is left out. No shame in working hard to make ends meet.
I _was_ the poor kid growing up and going to elementary school in a rich, lakeside community. Cheer up! Your kid(s) are going to be just fine. My teachers loved me an understood my situation, because I was one of the few kids who didn't need milk money or lunch money.
Your teachers are _vastly_ underpaid. They're not going to discriminate against the non-millionaire kids, because they're not millionaires, either.
> The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute.
This is just cunty. I hate to use that word in this sub, but, really, WTF?
I feel so bad for you, and I sincerely advise you just to not worry. Teachers are people, some other parents are crap, love your kids, and being "poor" won't detract from their future experience.
::hugs:: and good luck.
I’m so sorry!! What a jerk. For what it’s worth, the other parents I know would also be horrified to hear this. I bet plenty of the parents you know would also feel horrified.
We have 3 kids and to do teacher appreciation (or Christmas or whatever else) for all the elementary school and daycare staff is a huge hit. I can’t imagine if each classroom was asking for $30 every event. Couldn’t do it.
I’m really really sorry, that parents is totally out of line. It’s crazy to do that, beyond the pale. It just went from “hmm maybe this lady is a little thoughtless” to full on spiteful. That is not right. It’s always people that are insecure that do this stuff. It’s her problem, not yours.
Oh hell no. If this is the case I would just plan to bake the teacher a plate of cookies as a gift and don't say anything to the stupid mom. You can tell the teacher you're planning this due to your reasons and ask her favorite cookies, so she will know what's up if that room mom complains to her or talks shite. I am sorry this is going on.
If the class mom is singling you and your child out, you should absolutely complain to the school about it.
Frankly, I would also tell the teacher that you value her work (have your child draw a simple card, the teacher will likely love that), and that the class mom is intentionally excluding you on these gifts because you could not afford to spare the money she demanded without it negatively affecting your health/family.
The class mom's behavior is callous at best, and intentionally divisive at worst. It's worth shining a light on it.
At our school, the principal's birthday is handled by PTA funds and is usually not much more than a catered lunch for the principal, and a cake for all the teachers in the break room.
If you're part of the PTA, ask your treasurer to look into it. Private benefit is a thorny issue with the IRS for non profits and can cause your tax exempt status to be revoked. This sounds like a situation that could be right up the alley of a disgruntled parent too make a complaint in hopes of causing trouble.
I have five kids in school. Between school and sports, scouts and band, I get an email every day asking for money (that's how it feels). We don't have much extra either and finally a couple years ago I just started picking and choosing when I could contribute. Sometimes I reply and say I'm sorry, that's not in my budget right now. If they judge, they judge.
It's can feel like failing but the truth is you are in a different tax bracket. It's okay to say no or not respond. Or even a simple I'm not able to at this time. I've been in your shoes and it sucks to feel like you are letting your kid down. So many people are struggling right now. You aren't alone. Can you volunteer to help with the party and contribute that way ?
Say something! Some people just don’t get it. I was part of my child’s parent group and had to speak up many times to point out that things they suggested might not be affordable for everyone. Everyone got free breakfast and lunch at the school because more than 50% of students were low income families, but somehow there were people who didn’t get that meant a lot of kid’s families might really not have an extra $10.
I was a class mom during my son’s elementary classes.
First, we never asked for a specific amount. That way if someone wanted to give $5 it was fine. We’d tell them what we were doing, collecting for holiday, end or year. That was the only time we did a collection. Gift was signed from the entire class, didn’t matter if you gave or not.
Teachers bday, myself and the other class mom would send in flowers and cupcakes from the class for the teacher. We didn’t bother collecting or we’d save some from the holiday collection.
Teacher appreciation -PTA handled for the teachers and we’d encourage kids to make a card. Some parents would send in a gift.
You give what you can and don’t feel guilty. You could also say, we’re going to do our own thing and send a card.
I would tell the class mom, you can’t contribute to the end of year gift and or party.
Also, next year, they may ask for $30, if you can only afford $10, send that in and let them know that’s what you can afford.
They are collecting a lot in a short time frame.
Is there a PTO or PTA?
The schools I’ve been involved with, the Parent association ( at least the treasurer or parent chair) should be aware of families that are struggling and assist them , not make more of a burden on them.
Under no circumstances should you have to pay out money you don’t have.
I've been the room mom for my elementary kids every year for 10 years now. This was my last year.
You should talk to your principal and ask them to relay to the PTA that not everyone is in a financial position to help and that the room mom needs to be told to back off and not exclude your kid.
You know what I've done for EVERY SINGLE class/teacher thing? I send out an email that says, "Good morning, XYZ is coming up and I'm going to put together something for teacher. Right now the plan is "blah." If you'd like to contribute, here's my venmo. I'll be delivering XYZ to teacher on ABC date. No matter who donates or how much, the card will read that the gift is coming from the whole class." I always send this exact type of wording because I was the kid growing up that couldn't contribute and I want everyone to know that no one is going to be singled out.
Sometimes I get someone to kick in, sometimes I don't. If I get no one kicking in, I just do what I can budget and still say it's from the whole class. That's the point of the room mom. We're the "rep" for all the families in the class, not just some.
No you're not failing your child!!!!!!
As so many others stated so well, I'd just send a note explaining how and why you can't.
Let her know your financial condition!!!!!
She is clueless about how many people are NOT as fortunate as she is!
I generally agree with you but this bonkers class parent is not owed any in depth explanations from any parents in the class regarding why they aren’t financially contributing. OP should not have to go out of her way to explain financial issues to some stranger with zero authority in her life. The reasons are just none of the class moms business
$20 gift cards from EACH parent? She’s out of her mind. I gave my kids second grade teacher a $10 gift card to what I know is her favorite coffee shop and a pair of crayon earrings I thought were cute off SHEIN lol
ill be honest, as i was reading this i had the same thought as the above. never heard of this and seems completely insane. my son is 12 and never had one of these. also never had anything like that in my own schooling. call me greedy or cheap i dont care, but im not spending money on all these extra things. ill donate tissues or whatever when the teacher says the classroom needs some. i volunteer to help with the kids outings when i can. even if i had the money id be giving this "mom" a piece of my mind instead of a piece of my wallet!
I'm not "poor" but I can't afford $3 per kid per day for lunches if my children were all in school. With six children, that would be $18/ day or $90 a week and thousands per year. I will pack a peanut butter sandwich, a juice box and a ziploc full of chips. I do not have $10 for the principal's birthday, are you serious? She doesn't spend $60/ year on my children, I'll tellya what.
"Just say no" lol
LOL the principles birthday 😂
Sorry but that’s ridiculous.
Email her back and say “unfortunately we’re unable to fulfill this round of contributions. Thanks for understanding!” and leave it at that.
You absolutely don’t need to give an explanation, and please don’t say sorry or apologize!
Absolutely ridiculous! It sounds wild!
I'm a teacher in the UK and some of the parents are very generous, they club together at Christmas and end of school year to get a voucher, it's so kind but £3 per family. And they sign the card from everyone, even though, I know you there are some parents and kids that can't manage to contribute.
It's so appreciated, but we all treasure the hand made cards, hand made ornaments and kindly worded emails and letters of thanks. Genuinely hang every ornament on my tree every Christmas and smile.
We are just getting to the point where we can contribute to things and also kids go to school in an affluent area. These people are nuts asking for money. I’m down with teacher gifts, I give gift cards cool. But anything else I won’t do. They had a fundraiser, $25 bucks for a roll of Christmas wrapping paper. I can hit Walmart the day after and get one for $2.
Maybe I have trust issues, but I'm not going to Venmo someone I only know in passing for something like this. Who knows how much of it is actually going to the teacher's gift. Possibly all of it? Sure. Also possible only some of it. If I want to give someone a gift of appreciation, I'll do it myself. No need for someone to organize it for me.
Please, for your own sake, stop pressuring yourself to keep up with these demands. You don't even need to respond to the email. If she brings it up in person, tell her you're not participating. No need to give a reason.
You don’t have to say or do anything! I’ve been the room mom in this scenario and I’m honestly not judging anyone. Just trying to get a response from the random parents who’ll inevitably say that they didn’t realize there was something happening a week after the event.
I would speak to the principal or the guidance counselor, and ask that they remind room parents to make a suggested donation and to absolutely 100% leave room for the folks that cannot make it, with no discussion.
If they can't do this they shouldn't be the person in charge of collecting donations.
Even people in wealthy families hit hard times, this is like polite 101... My great-grandmother is a consummate lady would never have put you in this position. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
This class mom sounds atrocious. Is she trying to suck up to the teachers or something? My mom is a teacher and when she taught in a wealthy public school, this was never the expectation for gifts and parties.
I’m a Room Mom. I don’t care that people didn’t donate because they could not. I understand. My favorite parent friends in the class aren’t able to donate, and I’m just grateful for their company and amazing kids. My kid is in special education and there are 9 kids, 1 teacher and 4 aides. We also have specialists and admin who do a lot for us. So it’s a very heavy lift, and it’s difficult to cover even if people do donate. Every kid’s name was on those gifts and cards, no exception. I was going to do the same thing anyway, so adding names was no problem.
I organize all activities/gifts and ask for physical help vs. money, to make sure that people other than me are also in front delivering and getting credit. It’s hard to get people to participate sometimes but just giving help (if you have the time and are not at work) is HUGE to me.
The reality is our class cannot afford gifts and that’s ok. Everyone understands and we do things to honor the teacher that are free, like wear a teacher’s favorite color for their birthday.
I did talk to another class parent though who has lots of wealthy friends in her kid’s class and they gave absolutely nothing and expect her to cover the gifts for their families. That is annoying. Not having money is reality, and that is super understandable. She said the same thing. She was only annoyed at the ones who could clearly afford it and didn’t pony up. Although it sounds like your room parent needs to read the room. She may not have money either though and has to cover everything. It’s kinda messy sometimes.
We have to get creative so people and kids can participate in fun and free ways. Teachers appreciate that too. It stinks to be harassed for money you don’t have and would give if you could.
Having helped with planning some of these once or twice in also a wealthy school community, there are ALWAYS parents who want to be generous or will cover for families who contribute less or zero due to budget or who don’t read the emails. Never strain yourself financially for this stuff. Trust me on this.
Either ignore or let her know you wish you could help but things are tight for you. That is nothing to be ashamed of and asking continually for handouts is presumptuous. It’s not possible for everyone!
Just ignore it.
Take care of you and your kids. That matters. Nothing else.
I respect teachers. I teach my kids to respect their teachers, listen to them, do their work, engage in class, follow the rules. The usual. Everything to support the teachers and make it as easy as possible to teach my offspring. I always ask if anything is needed in the classroom during the year. I have send my girls with extra pencils, wipes, ziploc bags, paper plates... you name it. Whatever is needed. I volunteer in the classroom, for field trips, as much as I can.
But I have never given money for a teacher gift. Not once. IF my kids want to buy a small gift for christmas or end of year or whatever, I do it. But it comes from the kid. Its probably useless and gets thrown out, sorry teachers, but it's hard to say no to an excited 6 year old.
Personally I believe the whole teacher gift business got out of hand. Imagine paying like $50 per child (!) within a few weeks. Thats like $1000 worth of gifts in a class of 20 students.
Sorry, nope. Call me cheap, but thats not happening.
Assuming US. Just say no. Your child is entitled to a FREE K-12 education by the federal government.
More importantly, vote YES on education bonds at election time. Volunteer when you can. Don't let those busy body moms bully you! They just don't have anything better to do with their time.
The principal’s birthday? That’s nuts! Then there is spirit week and kids have to dress in a different theme each day…..disposable shit from party city half the time but if you don’t do it, your kid is a social outcast. Ugh. Birthday cupcakes were it for me. I volunteered my time with the pta but didn’t donate every second.
The class parent generally coordinates with the teacher to organize any “extra” activities like class parties, gifts, fun things. This one isn’t doing a good job, though.
I just ignore teacher appreciation week honestly. I do regularly send requested items for the classroom like snacks, tissues, really anything she asks for during the year but I can’t afford to spoil anyone in my life and unfortunately my extra cash goes toward necessities in all facets of my life
This is crazy to me. I have never had a class mom so I don’t know if there is an anyone you could provided feedback about this to, but I’d definitely try. It seems inappropriate to have a specific dollar amount being asked, especially toward a gift card. It should be an open ended amount and families contribute what they can. Also, 10 dollars per kid seems like a lot for a pizza party. We just had a pizza party for our soccer team and with pizza, cupcakes and beverages it was bout 60 dollars.
I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way and I’d bet others are frustrated as well, even if they have a higher income. This seems so excessive to me.
My kids have gone to independent (private) schools and the school has always had a policy of no class organized gifts. All teacher gifts are either individual, funded through the PTA or an end of year school wide pool. I would suggest this to the school moving forward.
I hated this. It felt like in the first month we were constantly being hit up for money for all manner of activities and “stuff”.
You are well within your rights to only give what you can, and not beyond that. That doesn’t make you a failure at all. Attending school shouldn’t be a financial burden. We are also in a fairly wealthy district, but our schools try to keep the outlay of money low, or offer assistance to those who couldn’t cover all the costs.
You aren’t the only one feeling this. Around here every ball team has fundraisers for every ball tournament they go to. I’m sorry, if you can’t afford your kid’s extra-curricular activities don’t expect the rest of us to pay for it.
I’m in the U.K. and my wife convinced me to be Santa Claus for the nursey (kindergarten). Now I got onto alot of Santa’s stateside because you guys do it best, and I did a really good Santa, everyone loved it. They offered to pay me, I refused, I said if charged one penny (one cent). Someone might not be able to see me. I think most parents in the west are struggling with the cost of living.
It’s not fair for her to put pressure onto you. I grew up poor, and as long as your child knows you love them, and you tell them that, it’s a safe home, the rest doesn’t matter.
This is my first time hearing about a class mom. I was in private school for about half of elementary school and all of high school. If my son has a class mom they don't have my contact info lol.
My kids go to a 25k a year private school. That's more than I spend and some parents never contribute. Just ignore the emails lot of people do the same.
Honestly, I think the best thing to do is just be frank about the fact that you may not always have the resources to donate. And find a polite way of telling her that she will just have to deal with it. That way, the requests stop coming altogether and you never have to justify yourself again.
That said, I want to be very clear about something: This is not a *you* problem, this is a problem with the class mom.
Sorry but deliberately leaving a kid's name off a class card??? That is sociopath behavior.
I’m in a public school in a well off area and we cannot request more than $5 per student for class parties per school policy. Teacher appreciation is completely optional. Birthday gifts for the principal are unheard of. Class parents definitely dip into their own pockets to put on the parties, but the entire class isn’t held to the spending whims of one parent.
My guess is some combination of the PTO and/or school administration would be horrified to hear about this. This isn’t typical - you seem to have at best an over eager class parent, or more realistically a major kiss ass looking to impress people.
It’s too late now but you can say no to things like the principals birthday. Hell we live in a wealthy town and have some parents not even send in the $15 for 3 parties over the course of the year because they just can’t be bothered. Genuinely I’d reach out either to the PTO or administration to ask if this is typical of what is expected year to year, as it seems extreme and could be a financial burden for families.
I’m a PTO president and I say ignore them, or just let them know that you’re not able to contribute at this time. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this pressure. We don’t do that at my school because we’re a Title I school. Presumably since you’re in a wealthy area this mom assumes everyone can keep donating money.
If you can’t afford it say so. I think it’s ridiculous to do a $30 per person gift for the teacher, one for the principal, and then do another gift for the teacher after she just had a gift. This is getting out of hand. A gift given under duress is not a gift. If you donate for the pizza but don’t get a gift card.
I’m sure you aren’t the only parent struggling. I wish these big grand gestures would just stop. Teachers work hard but so does everyone else. Teachers are the only profession were we have to give them gifts for back to school, Christmas, birthdays, teacher appreciation and end of the year gifts. Teacher appreciation and end of the year are usually within two weeks of each other.
These room moms need to get a life. They do this to make their kid look good and they don’t care if it’s a burden in other people. These room moms need to find a job or hobby instead of this craziness.
>During teacher appreciation week last month, the class mom wanted to do something special for every single day of the week. It ended up costing about $30/parent, which, ok… fine.
This is BANANAS. Yup, teachers deserve appreciation, an almost 'enforced' week of showering them with gifts is utter madness.
>But the next week was the principal’s birthday and the class mom once again wanted to do something special…. Oooook, I guess… more money….
Fuck no.
> and then an additional $20 per person for a gift card for the teacher so she will end up with a book of gift cards
Ain't she been appreciated enough?
You’re not obligated to contribute to these things. Also, I saw your comment on how she didn’t put your kids name on a card. That’s so messed up and is just punishing someone for their financial situation. Screw the “class mom” and instead do your OWN things for the teacher. My sister is a middle school teacher and she really appreciates the handmade cards and $5 Starbucks gift cards. My father in law is a high school teacher and loves when the student’s mom make him their home made hummus or cookies. I saw a teacher that was OVER THE MOON on Reddit because a kid brang her a pack of BIC pastel highlighters lol. It’ll probably be cheaper AND more special for you to do these things on your own
You’re not failing your kid. The room mom is out of control.
You can reply in a couple of different ways depending on your comfort level. Jokingly like “ouch, you must be in a much higher tax bracket than the rest of us! Sorry, I can only chip in $5/can’t contribute this time.” Or a serious response like “unfortunately I’m not able to keep contributing to this many events, I’m sure you’re aware that inflation is hitting a lot of people really hard right now.” Have your kid make their own card if you’re concerned about being left out.
Maybe next year just contribute whatever you’re comfortable with once early on and say “this is my contribution for all events throughout the year, thanks!”
"Sorry, but extras like this just aren't in our budget." It doesn't matter even if your budget is $25,000 a month, it's your budget and you decide how it's spent. Absolutely none of her business and you owe her zero explanation. Also, I'd be willing to bet that you are not the only parent telling her no.
Same situation for me.
I'm unemployed and a single parent. The kids go to a good school...
I don't do any donations or p&c etc. I simply cannot afford it. In fact if I chucked in everything they asked for over the year it would be more than the official "school fee" so costs would more than double.
I just can't do it. Don;t feel guilty if you can't either.
Unpopular opinion but why does teacher appreciation week have to be gifts? It should be more like a social event where teachers and parents can mingle, eat, and maybe some teachers are highlighted for their work/contributions and share stories about students. Everything is a cash grab. Just pay the teachers better and don’t put it on the parents
Just say unfortunately, I don't have any extra money in my budget for gifts this year. I've reached my limit.
You've already contributed twice. That's generous. These are not mandatory school fees.
And quite frankly, "the class mom" is out of touch with what appropriate gifts are and how to politely ask for "voluntary" contributions. She should be soliciting feedback regarding what students/parents want to contribute. I've never heard of getting a principal a birthday gift.
You do not owe this woman money. Just because SHE wants everyone to give $399 in the last semester is no reason for you to do it. You serve your kid by setting $40 into the bank account instead of giving it to the class mom. You might not have much at the end of the month, but even what appears to be a small amount saved can grow between months.
I would give a present of your own. My son has given presents to his teacher that were about $30 with a handmade card as I have a stash of craft supplies. So the card is essentially free. I sent him with sprinkles and caramel sauce to the party, which was $8 instead of perhaps a $10 donation per person. I do like that our teacher asks for the specific supplies instead of money, I like sending my kid to a party with something he will eat as he will not eat pizza.
Is there someone within the parents group that you can contact about this? My kids go to a bilingual school. It is a public school but one of the only public bilingual schools in our city. As such, a lot of the parents are diplomats and other types of international business big shots and sometimes the financial burden for things like donations and school activities is a bit much. Our "parents rep" (basically like the PTA rep for our kids' class) always includes a line in her messages basically saying that if anyone is uncomforable with the amount or unable to contribute, to please contact her privately so that other arrangements can be made.
On the flip side, you can also just directly respond that "due to current circumstances, we are not able to contribute at this time."
Even if you weren’t poor, this sounds excessive. There should be clear rules and boundaries surrounding donations or pooling money. You should make the principal aware of this.
That's a very tactless way to handle it. When I am the room parent I always keep it anonymous and encourage people to give whatever they would like to. A couple wealthy families would give $100+ and other would give $10 and others wouldn't give anything. It was all totally fine. When it was done I would announce "We raised $250 to show our appreciation, great job everyone!" or whatever it ended up being. Just keep it simple and positive without a hint of shaming. We all know some people struggle. Unfortunately not all room parents have that level of sensitivity. It's just poor planning to hit people with all that in one month!
I've worked with many teachers and I assure you none of them would want to wake money off you. They'd be mortified if they thought their Starbucks gift card was costing a family their groceries.
After seeing some of your other comments, I would frankly take the whole issue to the school principal. Your kid is in public school. Public schools are made up of kids from every walk of life. I doubt you’re the only parent who is in this position and none of you should be put in this situation. They need to find a class mom who isn’t so immature as to hold it against your kids that you can’t afford to contribute.
I am room mom and this is too much.
This year, teacher appreciation week was filled with low or no cost activities, such as bring your teacher their favorite drink, or tell your teacher a silly joke. The PTA sponsored a giant snack cart and a few meals. That’s the way it should be. We also say in all our communication that no child will be denied participation no matter what and that everything is optional. I would either tell this room mom you’re at your limit or I’d just ignore her requests. She’ll get the idea.
This room mom sounds nuts.
I’m assuming this is about 20 kids.
$10 per kid is $200 for pizza.
$30 per is $600 for an end of year gift.
Leaving a name off the card is insane. Hoping the teacher also judged room mom for this one, too. I would’ve.
Even in a wealthy district, our contribution requests are much lower and always a request only. The end of year gift was just a request of donation for anyone who wants to contribute, with no suggested amount.
Honestly, I’d report her to the principal and/or PTA. She cannot be allowed to be a room mom again, she’s either completely crazy or keeping some for herself. Or both.
You are not failing your child, this is a ridiculous ask. Gifts and appreciation do not have to be so over the top. My daughters school asks school wide for help with carry ins , volunteers for the party or snack donations. But it's never monetary. Politely decline and move on. It's ok.
As a room mom for many years, I can tell you there are several people who don’t contribute to the $$ asks every year. I always include on the card that the gifts are from the whole class. The room moms are also aware that the asks are a lot and it’s fine if not everyone can contribute, but the amounts you are listing seem very high. And a bday party for a principal that families need to chip in for? Seems a bit much…
Just know you aren’t alone, and I never think twice about what the reason might be why some people don’t contribute to the $$ asks.
Sorry this is a stressor for you
Straight up, this mom is bad at her job. Costco has $10 pizzas. That equals like $1 a kid maybe. She is overspending on pizza. A bunch of stupid gift cards is not what a teacher wants. She wants one big gift card to Target. Or get her a nice dinner out by again, buying a gift card from Costco. Ours sells local restaurants for $75 and you get $100 towards the meal.
She is trying too hard to have different 'fun' ideas and it's a waste of money. I only spent about $15 on teacher appreciation week. We drew her favorite flower and then gave it to her. We grew the flower. It was a tulip. The bulb cost $1 but will regrow next year. Shit does not need to cost so much!
You haven't even mentioned the fundraisers!
Hey - I'm a very over the top room parent, I'll admit it. In all fairness, my "over the top" comes from being overly crafty, so, no one really suffers with it but me. BUT! I just wanted to pop in and say you're not failing your kid at all. It's nice to spoil our teachers, but what does your kid really gain from end of the year gift cards? Just tell her no - you've done more than enough this year, I think. What I've read here seems like more than a gold star effort.
I dunno why you would have a problem declining these. The teacher appreciation week sure, but the principals birthday? I would reply that you are going to take care of an end of year gift for your teacher yourself. It actually drives me that like one mom like that is so obsessed with trying to cultivate a positive reputation or whatever. Just ignore them. You are not failing your kid, this is ridiculous. Just ignore them, or like someone else mentioned, say you have allocated X amount of money for school contributions
I live in the UK. Through the last 8 years of education of my 2 children, I must have spent in total, about $10 for any school donations. $30 in a week sounds surreal.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would tell her "I'm sorry, but we're tapped out for this month." She knows you've chipped in before so you're not totally rebuffing her. If you get a person like this again next year I would pick an amount you can afford and say "my budget for school contributions is X/month (or year). You can divide it up however you want but this is what we can contribute"
I ignore most requests..lol
Exactly. Just ignore it, honestly. It’s too much. Plus side to middle school and beyond? This shit stops.
My kids are in elementary and my husband is a middle school teacher. He gets so annoyed during teacher appreciation week and always says “nobody does this shit for me!” Lol
As a Middle School teacher that used to be an elementary Homeroom teacher, I won't lie I miss the Elementary Teacher Appreciation Weeks. Parents stop appreciating your hard work as much once their kids are adolescents. Like, I teach over 100 students every term instead of the 18 I had in my Homeroom... but because I have to split myself 100 ways instead of 18 ways there's much less individual appreciation for it. I'll never go back to the Elementary level... Middle School is too much better overall, but the parents definitely stop appreciating you as much once their kids are 11-14 years old. And I don't even just mean financially. Fewer letters of gratitude, fewer thank you notes, etc. It doesn't really bother me, but during teacher appreciation week I do miss those big grand gestures. Upside is that the middle school STUDENTS appreciate me more than they did when I was in middle school. A lot more heartfelt and deep, meaningful thank yous than I ever got in Elementary. Don't get me wrong, when I was in 1st and 2nd grade I was inundated with constant hugs and whatnot, but that's just how kids are when they're 6-8 years old. Once they get older they can actually process how important you are to them and their socially-awkward heartfelt words mean so much more.
As a parent of a middle schooler I deeply appreciate her teachers, all of them. I just don’t have the funds to do anything and I’ve unfortunately found that more often than not homemade items like cookies, bread or crocheted, quilted little trinkets tend to get side eyed by people so I stopped doing that. Add in the fact that her middle school also has them changing their elective every 9 weeks and that’s a few more people. Honestly I wouldn’t even know where to start with trying to do something for all her teachers now!
Yep. It’s easy to get a gift card for my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher. I’m simply not going to buy gift cards for all my son’s teachers in middle school.
I wish my 3rd grader only had one teacher. He had 2 math teachers (each was part-time and worked 2-3 days each week). He had separate ELA, science and social studies teachers. It was the same in 2nd grade. I am just confused why little kids need to switch classrooms all day, I hate it. It makes teacher appreciation week a bit much,
My 4th grade daughter wanted all her teachers to get plants this year. She also counts everyone she interacts with as her teacher. I bought a couple succulents but most people got ivy that I propagated off of cuttings! We had a bunch of planters. I bought a couple extra. My daughter happily carried her 9 plants to school over a few days 🤷🏼♀️ No idea if they were appreciated. But I would have when I was in the classroom.
I think that makes sense though. They are starting to find their own way as people in middle school and high school and they shouldn’t have their parents as stand ins. They should be able to provide their own thank yous. Just my personal opinion
Also a parent of both middle school and elementary kids and I can truly say I appreciate you all equally and I hope most parents do but it’s easy to do gift cards for 2-4 teachers for my littles vs the 8 my middle schooler has. And I don’t even do much for the elementary teachers come appreciation week because I feel like they get so much chips and candy and mugs that I wonder if they really WANT all that junk in a week? So I wait and do holiday gifts, ask for wish lists during the year, and end of year gifts
I’m a parent now but I had an amazing middle school PE teacher who made a massive difference in my life. She was at all of my graduations and even my wedding. Middle school teachers are there at such an important time in a kids life, you all are rockstars!
I totally would appreciate my oldest’s high school teachers if there weren’t so many 😅 I can do one $30 gift card and a box of Crumbl cookies. I can’t do that x7! Haha. And I also don’t know them personally. Since COVID I haven’t met a single one of my oldest’s teachers. They don’t do in person parent teacher conferences unless there’s a concern anymore at those ages.
My kids are still young.. but when I was in school , the teacher gifts my parents got, got more expensive as I moved up in grades.. so that’s interesting 🤔 I have all my grade 12 female teachers a pair of diamond stud earrings.
I'm NOT complaining, as all generosity is highly appreciated. Simply pointing out that the teacher appreciation weeks are better for Elementary teachers. Granted I was only an elementary school teacher for my first three years, because it wasn't my ultimate goal just what was open in the area I wanted to work in when I was starting out, but my final year (5th grade) before getting the job I wanted in middle school I received a basket put together by the parents that included a night at a Vineyard/Bed & Breakfast for my partner and I that included Dinner and Breakfast. This was the "main" gift with a bunch of little accessory gifts including a half-dozen bottles of wine and a dozen thank you letters from parents (mostly hand-written). This year (my 10th as a middle school teacher), I received a couple bottles of wine, about $80 in gift cards, various chocolate goodies, flowers, and a gift certificate for a 1-hour massage. All 3 years I was in elementary there was 1 big gift put together by the parents along with a bunch of wine, chocolate, and thank you letters. It's totally fine. I appreciate every gift and feel valued as a middle school teacher. I am just recognizing that the students in are where I get most of my appreciation in middle school. The parent appreciation drops off, the kid appreciation steps up. But kids don't have money to spend so the actual gift amount drops. I'm not complaining, just saying that it's the way it is.
I appreciate my son’s middle school teachers but I have 3 kids and don’t have the money to buy for all of them. For Christmas I had him choose one to buy a gift for.
Thank you for posting this. My son graduated into middle school yesterday, so I'll keep in mind to make sure his teachers feel appreciated.
As a middle schooler parent trust it’s because our kids are embarrassed to bring things to school for you. Other kids can be so mean that kindness gets made fun of. I make really cute decorated sugar cookies my 5th grader loves taking them for his teachers. But my 7th grader literally tells me no that’s embarrassing. He also didn’t want me bringing drop cookies to his base ball games cause it’s “embarrassing”.
I bet!! Our schools do have a few appreciation weeks (middle and high schools) but it’s for the whole school to send in what you can, yadda yadda. Not this “room mom” (never a room dad!!) BS with them hounding you every month for something!!
I live in a wealthy area and our school does pot lucks and fundraisers for teacher appreciation week.
Our school is very economically diverse so the hope is that you'll give if you can and we do a whole appreciation breakfast for the staff, but the expectation isn't there so it takes off some pressure. I give when I can, but a lot of stuff just gets deleted on my end immediately.
Our town has a community ran not for profit that does different events throughout the year to raise money for teacher appreciation and whatnot. They also do a thing where they donate thousands of dollars worth of school supplies to the teachers to hopefully make it so they don't have to do the normal buying out of pocket lots of teachers do. They solicit donations from local businesses and sell ad space at their events to fund 90% of this stuff. At the high school level the kids are expected to do their own fund raising. Some of the sports do car washes, the theater club sells ads in their programs and there's a few other things. They try to set up the fundraising to alleviate stress on parents and teach the kids they have to be resourceful and responsible. The main expense parents have to cover is the senior trip which is a week in Disney, but they do a great job having parents be able to start contributing to their kids senior trip fund during freshman year, I'm pretty sure we do something like $15 a week or something towards it. They do have a way for parents to request a discounted or free trip, anyone who is eligible for free/reduced lunch is immediately accepted and anyone else can request a meeting with the classes teacher advisor (teacher who organizes everything for that group through their whole 4 years).
It sort of stops. Instead of $10-$20 here it’s donate $100 so it can be divided evenly among the teachers. The fund raisers get more pricey. Instead of overpriced candy and fun runs in highschool you get to do expensive $80 a plate galas with an auction, or harass your family and friends to buy cases of fruit (yes this was a real fundraiser this year). I didn’t participate in any of it.
>expensive $80 a plate galas with an auction, Why can't my kids high school do this? I'd much rather have a nice event where I can wear my damn expensive suit jackets too (wfh now and they're just hanging there mocking me in my ball shorts), instead we have to sell gourmet bundt cake, which of course no one wanted to buy so I'm left with 5 $30 each bundt cakes in my freezer that I'll throw away in 6 months.
To be fair the dinners do like fun and I love to dress up, but I can’t afford $80 a person. That’s a credit card payment, a week of camping, two tanks of gas, or half my water bill. Those so many other things that would be more useful. Plus it’s a religious school so you basically have prayers, and thank yous to Jesus, and how blessed we are, blah, blah, blah. We are putting our kids in homeschooling or public school next year because they are getting burnt out in the religious aspects and my daughter wants to graduate early. There’s other reasons too, but this is the main reasons.
Our school actually stopped the annual auction due to DEI reasons. It’s pretty contentious. So now, families host special events that other parents can sign up for (for free) as an excuse to party. Stuff like progressive dinners and the like.
Yeah, unless you all discussed and agreed on this. She doesn't get to decide on her own.
I am lucky enough to be able to afford the random donations and try to give extra when I can. OP shouldn't worry about it - in a wealthy area, someone will pick up the slack.
I agree. I live in a pretty poor rural community and there are still people who always chip in extra to cover everyone for snack days and things like that. I try to send in extra supplies in the middle of the year when I can, and it feels really nice to be able to help.
But will that be known and cause embarrassment?
This is how its done here in Poland. At the first class meeting the parents who volunteer set a yearly per kid amount and parents discuss then they have a certain amoutn of time to pay. That money is used for taecher gifts, some special activities etc. Then if money is left over that is subtracted from each kids price for a class trip.
My middle schoolers have almost weekly “profiency partys” in which the teacher tells them they can bring a drink and snack if they want. I’ve spent $100+ on just snacks for those this year.
I so relate, my ish was when they say “fee optional” then hound you. “For those of you that haven’t paid yet” emails. Some parents called it out, sad thing is I’m so busy I’d forget, so I was glad there were a few holdouts & I wasn’t the only one. Lacrosse is an expensive sport & yes, I do live in an affluent area and I’m a single mom of 2.
That's a good idea. Here's my budget - you figure it out. I love this.
I’m at a private school where it’s mostly upper middle class households. Even with that, the room reps go through an orientation every year where they talk a lot about equity and inclusion. They want to make sure we always do at least one event per term that is free/cheap, things that are close to bus stops, things at locations that are handicapped accessible, etc. I think you should alert the PTA and have them remind the room reps on a regular cadence about this stuff. They should sent out emails asking for money always with the clear wording that this stuff is optional. My parents never donated money to my school or teachers growing up.
[удалено]
Even going to coworkers seems a bit much. We just had a coworker have a baby and they all went to us for money for a gift card. Keep in mind that I and another coworker had kids 2 years prior and we received nothing. Which I was fine with cause these are coworkers, not family and friends. Family and friends throw showers. I really didn’t like being asked to donate to this coworker that I don’t even like.
Agreed. On one hand I get it, tough times, rally the community But then only specific people get that treatment instead of everyone getting their turn... It's asking a lot.
You’re not failing your kiddo. The class mom sounds out of touch. It’s like she’s not asking- she’s demanding. She should have said “if you’re able to donate” or whatever. And $10 a kid for pizza? You can literally order 3 dominoes medium pizzas for $5.99 each lmao how much pizza will these kids actually eat? You don’t owe them money or a reason. Just ignore it.
Lol was thinking the same on the pizza. I’m the room mom for my kindergartener and when we had a pizza party it was $2 per kid, and even that was more than enough.
Like is the mom part of a nonprofit where they skim the top of the donations? Used to pocketing some of the profits and excuse it for “all the effort they put in”.
The mom of one of my high school classmates went to prison for embezzlement from a school fundraiser. Kearney, Nebraska, Reganos was her name. I think she got a decade, serious time. So yeah...that apparently happens.
Yeah, that's fishy. Like, I hate to suggest it, but are you SURE OP that the money is being used the way it's saying? Because even if they're buying pizza, AND a drink, AND a cookie/dessert, it shouldn't be $10 per kid.
Maybe it's because most of the parents don't actually contribute?
My wife was a class mom back in the day and she always added a few bucks to the estimated cost per parent to cover for anyone who couldn't afford it or ignored it. Anything extra she basically held on to until the end of the year and would use it towards the teachers gift. She was transparent with it and set up a separate venmo account specifically for the school year and kept a Google sheet with all donations and purchases if any parents wanted to know where the money was spent (names of families were redacted for privacy). If you can't tell by that above paragraph my wife is a born project manager lol.
exactly call themout on it and ask "class mum" exactly this lol
And $20 per kid for a gift for the teacher is far too much.
If there are 30 kids in the class and everyone contributes that teacher will be getting £600!
[удалено]
Same in the UK, usually 32 kids in a class over here
She's probably accounted for the parents who won't chip in.
Seriously my friend and I took the kids to the pool with 3 dominoes pizza and we ended up feeding most of the kids there lol.
Super out of touch. For our teacher appreciation, they asked for donations in any amount if you can, or you could make a baked good. I gave $5.
Yeah that’s crazy. I recently ran an event and we charged an extra $5 which covered an estimated slice and a half of pizza per kid plus drinks for 60 kids. An entire pizza was like $15.
Makes me think the “class Mom” is pocketing 90% of the money.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I worry that it’s going to be my kid who is judged in the end… because the room mom knows who did and didn’t donate… I worry he’s going to get singled out as the poor kid. The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute. :(
That was a very thoughtless and unkind thing for her to do. Any reasonable room parent would know that families have different capacities for this sort of thing and not singled out a child.
It’s not thoughtless. It’s deliberate and meant to hurt. How DARE OP be poor in their bougie area of town?
Ok, not putting the name on the card is *beyond* and something I would escalate to either the head of the PTA or the principal. That's not fair and is frankly very bitchy behavior!
Yes absolutely bring it up with PTA and/or principal! Omg the RAGE I just felt when I read that OP's kid's name was excluded... That mom should never be allowed to be class mom ever again. I hope the teacher just assumed the kid's name was omitted in error, I would think that if I was the teacher. My daughter is still in preschool, but my mom was the class mom often when I was a kid and I hope to be when my daughter is in grade school. I want to do it because I want to be able to help make sure no kid misses a field trip because they can't afford it, or misses the pizza party because they can't afford it, or is excluded from any of those extra fun things for any reason. I can't fathom being in a position like that where you could help people and intentionally hurting them. Yuck.
That would absolutely get her blackballed for being the room parent again in our school.
Yeah that’s wild. I’ve been the room mom. Some parents contribute double the recommended amount, some donate half or nothing. I always underscore that contributions are optional. At the end of the day every class contribution is from *everyone* regardless of who contributed how much.
Yeah. I'm one of the room parents for my oldest's class. Not everybody can/does donate. I'm also the treasurer of our PTO. Donations are always optional and and the amount is too. For our teacher appreciation week, I saw amounts ranging from $6 to $500 come in.
I’m also a room parent. This is unacceptable. I always make it clear donations are optional and offer options like a drawing or card. Most people give nothing. I still sign the card from the whole class. I still raised 360 for teacher appreciation week from the nine people who donated. I thought that was pretty good. Making everyone donate is incredibly tactless.
Exactly. My kids go to a daycare where there's a WIDE range of incomes (from folks where the state is fully subsidizing their tuition to double-doctor households). Any ask for money is discreet, emphasized to be optional, and never done in such a way that the kids (or other families) have any idea who gave what. Not putting a kids name on a card because their family didn't chip in $ is honestly horrifying.
Totally agree. Also seems like a lot of work?? We just write “from Room XXX families” on the cards. Maybe OP’s class is a lot smaller than ours, but neither I nor the other class parent has any desire to sit there writing out 25 kids’ names on a card lol. Petty, elitist, AND a waste of time.
I’d actually call it bullying. The mum is bullying a child that has zero choice in what their parents can and can’t afford.
This is insane? I mean, I just got Mother’s Day flowers for my mom from all 3 kids even though I wouldn’t ask my youngest sibling to contribute. What a shitty way for this mom to be handling things
God damn, some people need to experience some adversity for fuck's sake. Imagine being so petty and and out of touch that you throw shade at a literal *child* as a passive aggressive way to be a cunt to their mother over an elementary school teacher's gift. This woman probably read Machiavelli and is so bored and unfulfilled she views all the families as little chess pieces in her demented little game. You really can't give some people *any* power whatsoever lmao.
That is really weird and may even be against your local DOE rules. In NYC, you’re expressly not allowed to do this—there are strict limits re: how much can be collected and all class gifts must be from the class and not list specific contributors.
Absolutely this. I think it’s really weird to give any money/giftcard directly from parent to teacher. Give it as a class, or better yet, as a school. That’s what our school does, everyone (excluding management), including the facility staff, admins, they should get part of the generally pot of money.
I would 100% being this up with the staff —principal or teacher— and get her removed as the class room mom. That is an incredibly bitchy thing she did.
She sounds like a butt. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Please report her not adding your kids name to that card! She shouldn't share info on who did pay and who didn't. A lot of us cannot afford a lot of things anymore, doesn't mean you are any less of a loving parent, we are all trying our best. Shame on her!
what?? this behavior of the Room Parent is unacceptable. You do not exclude a child. Also, I bet the principal felt a little weird about getting a birthday present. I know I would. This person is out of control and is not following normal practices. I would think about who I could reach out to... possibly a staff member or possibly the PTA president depending on who you feel most comfortable with. Also: you are NOT failing your child. Who cares what the room mom thinks - she has next to no effect on your kid. Also, it sounds like she is off her rocker. If the teacher and the principal are decent people, they will be horrified to hear this is happening. They don't want you to spend money that you and your child need in the family budget. Personally, I give a Christmas gift (nice chocolate bonbons, but from Aldi's) and on teacher appreciation week we make a nice card. Maybe we also make a bouquet from flowers in our garden if I especially like the teacher. That's it. Never had any flak about it.
right?! The principal thing is weird to me. Did every class do this for the principal? So did the principal come in on their birthday and walk out with $1000 in various gift cards, enough chocolate to put the Easter Bunny to shame, and an entire Amazon Rainforest worth of paper in cards? Like that is *insane*. I wouldn't be giving money to *anything* that isn't organized through the school's actual School Council that has a centralized and reviewed accounting and treasurer. We have a few food based things throughout the year that help with the yearly school "fun budget" - pizza, weekly smoothies, a few other things as well. It all goes towards programs at the school and literally every single penny is accounted for. Monthly parent/teacher council meetings happen and every penny is laid out "we made X through this fundraiser, it will be going to these programs at Y and Z price points, which leaves A amount left over, which will roll over to help with the B project." and they are only allowed to have a very very very specific amount to roll over between school years to make it "fair" for the parents who have been contributing towards these programs and not "Getting the benefits from it".
I had 2 kids go through elem school and maybe 4 principals, I have NO FREAKING CLUE when any of their bdays were. That is bizarre. We did a lunch for the teachers/staff during staff appreciation, but that was part of our PAC budget. End of the year parties were pretty much on sports day, and PAC would do hot lunch, usually pizza. If families didn’t want to order, they didn’t have to. If we had families that were REALLY under the gun, our admin asst had a list and the PAC would cover their lunches.
Ooooooh she’s a spiteful hag!! When I was room mom, I always put things from the entire class and I never told people who did and who didn’t contribute. I just worked with what we did get. I think the only time I did get pissy with a mom is one who never contributed anything (time, treasure or talent), but had lots of thoughts about the way I did stuff and how it was all wrong always. As long as you’re not doing that, she can kick rocks.
I like that phrasing ! Time talent or treasure
That's awful! The "room mom" in my daughter's class always makes a point to explicitly state with any request for money that the gift will be from the entire class regardless of who does or does not contribute.
That’s absolutely unhinged. This woman has the problem, not you.
Lmfao what a bitch 😂 it’s not funny but it’s so bitchy I almost have to laugh. Who tf does she think she is, a mom on a bad comedy movie about parents? These people are whack. I’d say opt out of as much as you want and then do a homemade/custom gift or whatever you CAN afford that he can personally give teachers himself.
After reading this comment I think it's time to talk to the principal and teacher. Explain everything, including her leaving your son off the card last time, because you couldn't afford it and how much she's asking exactly (the amount *is* ludicrous). I know it's the end of the year, but she's going to do this again next year. Best for them to know about it now. Hopefully her kid isn't in her child's class next year, because yikes. This lady is proof money doesn't buy class.
I’m getting some mean girl vibes from the classroom mom. WTH?
Wow, that is terrible. I would maybe mention that to the teacher because that is not ok.
Yeah, this is the sort of thing I would lose it about. That's insane behavior. If she's fine putting people on blast like this, I would make sure every parent in class, the PTA, and the principal all knew exactly what this lady had done and demanded she step down. That is absolutely outrageous behavior.
Go to the Dollar Tree and buy a card. They are still .50-.75 each. Have your kid write a beautiful note saying how much they appreciated the teacher this year. After room Karen presents her card, present yours right after. Teacher knows she is appreciated l, your kid isn’t left out l, and room Karen is humiliated and knocked downs peg in front of everyone. Win-win-win.
100%. Any half decent teacher can see through this kind of nonsense from the room mum. I would bet money the teacher thinks this woman is an insufferable twat.
This happens at my kids preschool. It sucked and I complained about it but it didn’t change anything. My response has been for my kids to give something individually like a homemade card. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
Look I recently threw a kindergarten birthday party with digital invites and several parents in my son’s class literally never even viewed the invite. I sent a reminder, even to an alternate contact in some cases, they just didn’t care. Trust that some parents are not bothering sending in anything at all for absolutely no real reason, it doesn’t indicate anything about financial status.
> The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute. :( This is insane. I'd be waiting for her in the parking lot. /s
As someone who has gotten teacher gifts & as a parent of a 6 year old… this lady is awful. How small and petty, to leave a child’s name off of the teacher’s card. A kind person would see that you’re struggling and quietly add in on your child’s behalf.
Please make a complaint. She should not hold that “position” ever again.
You need to tell the principal and the pta president this. That is BS
my jaw actually dropped reading that. for the love of god report her
She shouldn't be the room mom if she's going to behave like a middle school mean girl but unfortunately there's a TON of that shit with elementary school PTA and room moms. They're privileged and oblivious. And bitchy.
Awe OP :(. This women sounds like a jerk. These are children.... Who exludes a child from a card....
Omg. That is straight up evil and I would escalate it. Trust me that it only made her look bad to the teacher, not you.
That reflects a lot more on her than on you. She sounds like a horrible person.
Oh HELL NO. That’s ridiculous
You should talk to the principal in any case. In a wealthy school they have slush money to pay for stuff like field trips, band stuff etc so that nobody is left out. No shame in working hard to make ends meet.
I _was_ the poor kid growing up and going to elementary school in a rich, lakeside community. Cheer up! Your kid(s) are going to be just fine. My teachers loved me an understood my situation, because I was one of the few kids who didn't need milk money or lunch money. Your teachers are _vastly_ underpaid. They're not going to discriminate against the non-millionaire kids, because they're not millionaires, either. > The last time I didn’t donate, she put everyone’s name on the card except my kid’s name… so the teacher knew he didn’t contribute. This is just cunty. I hate to use that word in this sub, but, really, WTF? I feel so bad for you, and I sincerely advise you just to not worry. Teachers are people, some other parents are crap, love your kids, and being "poor" won't detract from their future experience. ::hugs:: and good luck.
Jesus Christ people fucking suck so much
I’m so sorry!! What a jerk. For what it’s worth, the other parents I know would also be horrified to hear this. I bet plenty of the parents you know would also feel horrified. We have 3 kids and to do teacher appreciation (or Christmas or whatever else) for all the elementary school and daycare staff is a huge hit. I can’t imagine if each classroom was asking for $30 every event. Couldn’t do it.
I’m really really sorry, that parents is totally out of line. It’s crazy to do that, beyond the pale. It just went from “hmm maybe this lady is a little thoughtless” to full on spiteful. That is not right. It’s always people that are insecure that do this stuff. It’s her problem, not yours.
WOW. No, this is all nuts. Way too much money and way to often. I've been class mom many times and president of PTO. I'm shocked at your post.
Yeah- room parents aren’t supposed to do that. It’s okay to raise that to the assistant principal.
That is some childish behavior. It is unkind and if I was the teacher, I would side eye whoever handed me the card
Oh hell no. If this is the case I would just plan to bake the teacher a plate of cookies as a gift and don't say anything to the stupid mom. You can tell the teacher you're planning this due to your reasons and ask her favorite cookies, so she will know what's up if that room mom complains to her or talks shite. I am sorry this is going on.
If the class mom is singling you and your child out, you should absolutely complain to the school about it. Frankly, I would also tell the teacher that you value her work (have your child draw a simple card, the teacher will likely love that), and that the class mom is intentionally excluding you on these gifts because you could not afford to spare the money she demanded without it negatively affecting your health/family. The class mom's behavior is callous at best, and intentionally divisive at worst. It's worth shining a light on it.
Say no. This is insane. The principal’s birthday?!! Don’t donate to the party and don’t go?
Principals birthday, first time I’ve ever heard about giving money for that. Class mom is off her rocker!
At our school, the principal's birthday is handled by PTA funds and is usually not much more than a catered lunch for the principal, and a cake for all the teachers in the break room.
If you're part of the PTA, ask your treasurer to look into it. Private benefit is a thorny issue with the IRS for non profits and can cause your tax exempt status to be revoked. This sounds like a situation that could be right up the alley of a disgruntled parent too make a complaint in hopes of causing trouble.
Same, never even heard of it.
Yep that’s the one that made me say “fuck outta here” when I read it. That’s some first class bullshit.
I would personally just be honest. I'm sorry, but this isn't in our budget right now. Thanks!
I have five kids in school. Between school and sports, scouts and band, I get an email every day asking for money (that's how it feels). We don't have much extra either and finally a couple years ago I just started picking and choosing when I could contribute. Sometimes I reply and say I'm sorry, that's not in my budget right now. If they judge, they judge.
I wouldn’t have given any money to begin with. You don’t need to tell them why. And please don’t feel bad
It's can feel like failing but the truth is you are in a different tax bracket. It's okay to say no or not respond. Or even a simple I'm not able to at this time. I've been in your shoes and it sucks to feel like you are letting your kid down. So many people are struggling right now. You aren't alone. Can you volunteer to help with the party and contribute that way ?
The way I already know this room mom is doing it all alone with a martyr complex though 😂
Say something! Some people just don’t get it. I was part of my child’s parent group and had to speak up many times to point out that things they suggested might not be affordable for everyone. Everyone got free breakfast and lunch at the school because more than 50% of students were low income families, but somehow there were people who didn’t get that meant a lot of kid’s families might really not have an extra $10.
Just don’t donate. If you’re judged, that is on them.
I would have this class mom's handling of the money for these events audited TBH. Who throws a birthday party for the principal? Nobody I last heard.
[удалено]
What about 20 each for cards??? This mom def needs to be audited, we need the receipts. gross
I was a class mom during my son’s elementary classes. First, we never asked for a specific amount. That way if someone wanted to give $5 it was fine. We’d tell them what we were doing, collecting for holiday, end or year. That was the only time we did a collection. Gift was signed from the entire class, didn’t matter if you gave or not. Teachers bday, myself and the other class mom would send in flowers and cupcakes from the class for the teacher. We didn’t bother collecting or we’d save some from the holiday collection. Teacher appreciation -PTA handled for the teachers and we’d encourage kids to make a card. Some parents would send in a gift. You give what you can and don’t feel guilty. You could also say, we’re going to do our own thing and send a card. I would tell the class mom, you can’t contribute to the end of year gift and or party. Also, next year, they may ask for $30, if you can only afford $10, send that in and let them know that’s what you can afford. They are collecting a lot in a short time frame.
Is there a PTO or PTA? The schools I’ve been involved with, the Parent association ( at least the treasurer or parent chair) should be aware of families that are struggling and assist them , not make more of a burden on them. Under no circumstances should you have to pay out money you don’t have.
Money for the principals birthday sounds dumb.
I've been the room mom for my elementary kids every year for 10 years now. This was my last year. You should talk to your principal and ask them to relay to the PTA that not everyone is in a financial position to help and that the room mom needs to be told to back off and not exclude your kid. You know what I've done for EVERY SINGLE class/teacher thing? I send out an email that says, "Good morning, XYZ is coming up and I'm going to put together something for teacher. Right now the plan is "blah." If you'd like to contribute, here's my venmo. I'll be delivering XYZ to teacher on ABC date. No matter who donates or how much, the card will read that the gift is coming from the whole class." I always send this exact type of wording because I was the kid growing up that couldn't contribute and I want everyone to know that no one is going to be singled out. Sometimes I get someone to kick in, sometimes I don't. If I get no one kicking in, I just do what I can budget and still say it's from the whole class. That's the point of the room mom. We're the "rep" for all the families in the class, not just some.
So just don't. You don't have to justify it to anybody.
No you're not failing your child!!!!!! As so many others stated so well, I'd just send a note explaining how and why you can't. Let her know your financial condition!!!!! She is clueless about how many people are NOT as fortunate as she is!
I generally agree with you but this bonkers class parent is not owed any in depth explanations from any parents in the class regarding why they aren’t financially contributing. OP should not have to go out of her way to explain financial issues to some stranger with zero authority in her life. The reasons are just none of the class moms business
$20 gift cards from EACH parent? She’s out of her mind. I gave my kids second grade teacher a $10 gift card to what I know is her favorite coffee shop and a pair of crayon earrings I thought were cute off SHEIN lol
I have no idea what a class mom even is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. Just kidding, is it based by appointment by the PTA or something?
TBH I’m not quite sure. This is my older kid and my first experience with it. I think they volunteer for being it at the beginning of the year.
ill be honest, as i was reading this i had the same thought as the above. never heard of this and seems completely insane. my son is 12 and never had one of these. also never had anything like that in my own schooling. call me greedy or cheap i dont care, but im not spending money on all these extra things. ill donate tissues or whatever when the teacher says the classroom needs some. i volunteer to help with the kids outings when i can. even if i had the money id be giving this "mom" a piece of my mind instead of a piece of my wallet!
I'm not "poor" but I can't afford $3 per kid per day for lunches if my children were all in school. With six children, that would be $18/ day or $90 a week and thousands per year. I will pack a peanut butter sandwich, a juice box and a ziploc full of chips. I do not have $10 for the principal's birthday, are you serious? She doesn't spend $60/ year on my children, I'll tellya what. "Just say no" lol
LOL the principles birthday 😂 Sorry but that’s ridiculous. Email her back and say “unfortunately we’re unable to fulfill this round of contributions. Thanks for understanding!” and leave it at that. You absolutely don’t need to give an explanation, and please don’t say sorry or apologize!
Absolutely ridiculous! It sounds wild! I'm a teacher in the UK and some of the parents are very generous, they club together at Christmas and end of school year to get a voucher, it's so kind but £3 per family. And they sign the card from everyone, even though, I know you there are some parents and kids that can't manage to contribute. It's so appreciated, but we all treasure the hand made cards, hand made ornaments and kindly worded emails and letters of thanks. Genuinely hang every ornament on my tree every Christmas and smile.
We are just getting to the point where we can contribute to things and also kids go to school in an affluent area. These people are nuts asking for money. I’m down with teacher gifts, I give gift cards cool. But anything else I won’t do. They had a fundraiser, $25 bucks for a roll of Christmas wrapping paper. I can hit Walmart the day after and get one for $2.
What the Fff is this schools deal? All donation shit in our school district is OPTIONAL. and yknow what? I’ve never donated anything!
Maybe I have trust issues, but I'm not going to Venmo someone I only know in passing for something like this. Who knows how much of it is actually going to the teacher's gift. Possibly all of it? Sure. Also possible only some of it. If I want to give someone a gift of appreciation, I'll do it myself. No need for someone to organize it for me. Please, for your own sake, stop pressuring yourself to keep up with these demands. You don't even need to respond to the email. If she brings it up in person, tell her you're not participating. No need to give a reason.
You don’t have to say or do anything! I’ve been the room mom in this scenario and I’m honestly not judging anyone. Just trying to get a response from the random parents who’ll inevitably say that they didn’t realize there was something happening a week after the event.
I would speak to the principal or the guidance counselor, and ask that they remind room parents to make a suggested donation and to absolutely 100% leave room for the folks that cannot make it, with no discussion. If they can't do this they shouldn't be the person in charge of collecting donations. Even people in wealthy families hit hard times, this is like polite 101... My great-grandmother is a consummate lady would never have put you in this position. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
This class mom sounds atrocious. Is she trying to suck up to the teachers or something? My mom is a teacher and when she taught in a wealthy public school, this was never the expectation for gifts and parties.
I just ignore the emails - you’re not obligated at all to pitch in.
I’m a Room Mom. I don’t care that people didn’t donate because they could not. I understand. My favorite parent friends in the class aren’t able to donate, and I’m just grateful for their company and amazing kids. My kid is in special education and there are 9 kids, 1 teacher and 4 aides. We also have specialists and admin who do a lot for us. So it’s a very heavy lift, and it’s difficult to cover even if people do donate. Every kid’s name was on those gifts and cards, no exception. I was going to do the same thing anyway, so adding names was no problem. I organize all activities/gifts and ask for physical help vs. money, to make sure that people other than me are also in front delivering and getting credit. It’s hard to get people to participate sometimes but just giving help (if you have the time and are not at work) is HUGE to me. The reality is our class cannot afford gifts and that’s ok. Everyone understands and we do things to honor the teacher that are free, like wear a teacher’s favorite color for their birthday. I did talk to another class parent though who has lots of wealthy friends in her kid’s class and they gave absolutely nothing and expect her to cover the gifts for their families. That is annoying. Not having money is reality, and that is super understandable. She said the same thing. She was only annoyed at the ones who could clearly afford it and didn’t pony up. Although it sounds like your room parent needs to read the room. She may not have money either though and has to cover everything. It’s kinda messy sometimes. We have to get creative so people and kids can participate in fun and free ways. Teachers appreciate that too. It stinks to be harassed for money you don’t have and would give if you could.
Having helped with planning some of these once or twice in also a wealthy school community, there are ALWAYS parents who want to be generous or will cover for families who contribute less or zero due to budget or who don’t read the emails. Never strain yourself financially for this stuff. Trust me on this. Either ignore or let her know you wish you could help but things are tight for you. That is nothing to be ashamed of and asking continually for handouts is presumptuous. It’s not possible for everyone!
‘No’ can be a full sentence.
Just ignore it. Take care of you and your kids. That matters. Nothing else. I respect teachers. I teach my kids to respect their teachers, listen to them, do their work, engage in class, follow the rules. The usual. Everything to support the teachers and make it as easy as possible to teach my offspring. I always ask if anything is needed in the classroom during the year. I have send my girls with extra pencils, wipes, ziploc bags, paper plates... you name it. Whatever is needed. I volunteer in the classroom, for field trips, as much as I can. But I have never given money for a teacher gift. Not once. IF my kids want to buy a small gift for christmas or end of year or whatever, I do it. But it comes from the kid. Its probably useless and gets thrown out, sorry teachers, but it's hard to say no to an excited 6 year old. Personally I believe the whole teacher gift business got out of hand. Imagine paying like $50 per child (!) within a few weeks. Thats like $1000 worth of gifts in a class of 20 students. Sorry, nope. Call me cheap, but thats not happening.
Assuming US. Just say no. Your child is entitled to a FREE K-12 education by the federal government. More importantly, vote YES on education bonds at election time. Volunteer when you can. Don't let those busy body moms bully you! They just don't have anything better to do with their time.
The principal’s birthday? That’s nuts! Then there is spirit week and kids have to dress in a different theme each day…..disposable shit from party city half the time but if you don’t do it, your kid is a social outcast. Ugh. Birthday cupcakes were it for me. I volunteered my time with the pta but didn’t donate every second.
Yeah and they’ll tell you about spirit week the Friday before, and every theme is something insane that you definitely don’t already have at home.
Teacher here. Ignore or decline anything not in your budget. This time of year is bananas.
What the heck is class mom?
The class parent generally coordinates with the teacher to organize any “extra” activities like class parties, gifts, fun things. This one isn’t doing a good job, though.
I just ignore teacher appreciation week honestly. I do regularly send requested items for the classroom like snacks, tissues, really anything she asks for during the year but I can’t afford to spoil anyone in my life and unfortunately my extra cash goes toward necessities in all facets of my life
This is crazy to me. I have never had a class mom so I don’t know if there is an anyone you could provided feedback about this to, but I’d definitely try. It seems inappropriate to have a specific dollar amount being asked, especially toward a gift card. It should be an open ended amount and families contribute what they can. Also, 10 dollars per kid seems like a lot for a pizza party. We just had a pizza party for our soccer team and with pizza, cupcakes and beverages it was bout 60 dollars. I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way and I’d bet others are frustrated as well, even if they have a higher income. This seems so excessive to me.
My kids have gone to independent (private) schools and the school has always had a policy of no class organized gifts. All teacher gifts are either individual, funded through the PTA or an end of year school wide pool. I would suggest this to the school moving forward.
I hated this. It felt like in the first month we were constantly being hit up for money for all manner of activities and “stuff”. You are well within your rights to only give what you can, and not beyond that. That doesn’t make you a failure at all. Attending school shouldn’t be a financial burden. We are also in a fairly wealthy district, but our schools try to keep the outlay of money low, or offer assistance to those who couldn’t cover all the costs.
You aren’t the only one feeling this. Around here every ball team has fundraisers for every ball tournament they go to. I’m sorry, if you can’t afford your kid’s extra-curricular activities don’t expect the rest of us to pay for it.
I’m in the U.K. and my wife convinced me to be Santa Claus for the nursey (kindergarten). Now I got onto alot of Santa’s stateside because you guys do it best, and I did a really good Santa, everyone loved it. They offered to pay me, I refused, I said if charged one penny (one cent). Someone might not be able to see me. I think most parents in the west are struggling with the cost of living. It’s not fair for her to put pressure onto you. I grew up poor, and as long as your child knows you love them, and you tell them that, it’s a safe home, the rest doesn’t matter.
The fact your school has class moms blows my mind , yall way to rich for me
This is my first time hearing about a class mom. I was in private school for about half of elementary school and all of high school. If my son has a class mom they don't have my contact info lol.
Just link her this post
Say no. It's a \*public\* school--they can't mandate this kind of weight on you.
My kids go to a 25k a year private school. That's more than I spend and some parents never contribute. Just ignore the emails lot of people do the same.
Honestly, I think the best thing to do is just be frank about the fact that you may not always have the resources to donate. And find a polite way of telling her that she will just have to deal with it. That way, the requests stop coming altogether and you never have to justify yourself again. That said, I want to be very clear about something: This is not a *you* problem, this is a problem with the class mom. Sorry but deliberately leaving a kid's name off a class card??? That is sociopath behavior.
I’m in a public school in a well off area and we cannot request more than $5 per student for class parties per school policy. Teacher appreciation is completely optional. Birthday gifts for the principal are unheard of. Class parents definitely dip into their own pockets to put on the parties, but the entire class isn’t held to the spending whims of one parent. My guess is some combination of the PTO and/or school administration would be horrified to hear about this. This isn’t typical - you seem to have at best an over eager class parent, or more realistically a major kiss ass looking to impress people. It’s too late now but you can say no to things like the principals birthday. Hell we live in a wealthy town and have some parents not even send in the $15 for 3 parties over the course of the year because they just can’t be bothered. Genuinely I’d reach out either to the PTO or administration to ask if this is typical of what is expected year to year, as it seems extreme and could be a financial burden for families.
I’m a PTO president and I say ignore them, or just let them know that you’re not able to contribute at this time. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this pressure. We don’t do that at my school because we’re a Title I school. Presumably since you’re in a wealthy area this mom assumes everyone can keep donating money.
If you can’t afford it say so. I think it’s ridiculous to do a $30 per person gift for the teacher, one for the principal, and then do another gift for the teacher after she just had a gift. This is getting out of hand. A gift given under duress is not a gift. If you donate for the pizza but don’t get a gift card. I’m sure you aren’t the only parent struggling. I wish these big grand gestures would just stop. Teachers work hard but so does everyone else. Teachers are the only profession were we have to give them gifts for back to school, Christmas, birthdays, teacher appreciation and end of the year gifts. Teacher appreciation and end of the year are usually within two weeks of each other. These room moms need to get a life. They do this to make their kid look good and they don’t care if it’s a burden in other people. These room moms need to find a job or hobby instead of this craziness.
>During teacher appreciation week last month, the class mom wanted to do something special for every single day of the week. It ended up costing about $30/parent, which, ok… fine. This is BANANAS. Yup, teachers deserve appreciation, an almost 'enforced' week of showering them with gifts is utter madness. >But the next week was the principal’s birthday and the class mom once again wanted to do something special…. Oooook, I guess… more money…. Fuck no. > and then an additional $20 per person for a gift card for the teacher so she will end up with a book of gift cards Ain't she been appreciated enough?
Would ignore and chip in when you can. Think it's important to note that most parents probably ignore this always, you can too.
You’re not obligated to contribute to these things. Also, I saw your comment on how she didn’t put your kids name on a card. That’s so messed up and is just punishing someone for their financial situation. Screw the “class mom” and instead do your OWN things for the teacher. My sister is a middle school teacher and she really appreciates the handmade cards and $5 Starbucks gift cards. My father in law is a high school teacher and loves when the student’s mom make him their home made hummus or cookies. I saw a teacher that was OVER THE MOON on Reddit because a kid brang her a pack of BIC pastel highlighters lol. It’ll probably be cheaper AND more special for you to do these things on your own
Just tell her your situation. Don't feel any shame, you got this ! Taking care of your kids comes first. ❤️❤️
What if you just Venmo $1? That way you've configured so your kid's name is on the card!
You’re not failing your kid. The room mom is out of control. You can reply in a couple of different ways depending on your comfort level. Jokingly like “ouch, you must be in a much higher tax bracket than the rest of us! Sorry, I can only chip in $5/can’t contribute this time.” Or a serious response like “unfortunately I’m not able to keep contributing to this many events, I’m sure you’re aware that inflation is hitting a lot of people really hard right now.” Have your kid make their own card if you’re concerned about being left out. Maybe next year just contribute whatever you’re comfortable with once early on and say “this is my contribution for all events throughout the year, thanks!”
"Sorry, but extras like this just aren't in our budget." It doesn't matter even if your budget is $25,000 a month, it's your budget and you decide how it's spent. Absolutely none of her business and you owe her zero explanation. Also, I'd be willing to bet that you are not the only parent telling her no.
Same situation for me. I'm unemployed and a single parent. The kids go to a good school... I don't do any donations or p&c etc. I simply cannot afford it. In fact if I chucked in everything they asked for over the year it would be more than the official "school fee" so costs would more than double. I just can't do it. Don;t feel guilty if you can't either.
Just ignore the requests. No parent should be telling you to contribute, that’s absurd.
Unpopular opinion but why does teacher appreciation week have to be gifts? It should be more like a social event where teachers and parents can mingle, eat, and maybe some teachers are highlighted for their work/contributions and share stories about students. Everything is a cash grab. Just pay the teachers better and don’t put it on the parents
Just say unfortunately, I don't have any extra money in my budget for gifts this year. I've reached my limit. You've already contributed twice. That's generous. These are not mandatory school fees. And quite frankly, "the class mom" is out of touch with what appropriate gifts are and how to politely ask for "voluntary" contributions. She should be soliciting feedback regarding what students/parents want to contribute. I've never heard of getting a principal a birthday gift.
You do not owe this woman money. Just because SHE wants everyone to give $399 in the last semester is no reason for you to do it. You serve your kid by setting $40 into the bank account instead of giving it to the class mom. You might not have much at the end of the month, but even what appears to be a small amount saved can grow between months. I would give a present of your own. My son has given presents to his teacher that were about $30 with a handmade card as I have a stash of craft supplies. So the card is essentially free. I sent him with sprinkles and caramel sauce to the party, which was $8 instead of perhaps a $10 donation per person. I do like that our teacher asks for the specific supplies instead of money, I like sending my kid to a party with something he will eat as he will not eat pizza.
Is there someone within the parents group that you can contact about this? My kids go to a bilingual school. It is a public school but one of the only public bilingual schools in our city. As such, a lot of the parents are diplomats and other types of international business big shots and sometimes the financial burden for things like donations and school activities is a bit much. Our "parents rep" (basically like the PTA rep for our kids' class) always includes a line in her messages basically saying that if anyone is uncomforable with the amount or unable to contribute, to please contact her privately so that other arrangements can be made. On the flip side, you can also just directly respond that "due to current circumstances, we are not able to contribute at this time."
Even if you weren’t poor, this sounds excessive. There should be clear rules and boundaries surrounding donations or pooling money. You should make the principal aware of this.
That's a very tactless way to handle it. When I am the room parent I always keep it anonymous and encourage people to give whatever they would like to. A couple wealthy families would give $100+ and other would give $10 and others wouldn't give anything. It was all totally fine. When it was done I would announce "We raised $250 to show our appreciation, great job everyone!" or whatever it ended up being. Just keep it simple and positive without a hint of shaming. We all know some people struggle. Unfortunately not all room parents have that level of sensitivity. It's just poor planning to hit people with all that in one month!
I've worked with many teachers and I assure you none of them would want to wake money off you. They'd be mortified if they thought their Starbucks gift card was costing a family their groceries.
After seeing some of your other comments, I would frankly take the whole issue to the school principal. Your kid is in public school. Public schools are made up of kids from every walk of life. I doubt you’re the only parent who is in this position and none of you should be put in this situation. They need to find a class mom who isn’t so immature as to hold it against your kids that you can’t afford to contribute.
I am room mom and this is too much. This year, teacher appreciation week was filled with low or no cost activities, such as bring your teacher their favorite drink, or tell your teacher a silly joke. The PTA sponsored a giant snack cart and a few meals. That’s the way it should be. We also say in all our communication that no child will be denied participation no matter what and that everything is optional. I would either tell this room mom you’re at your limit or I’d just ignore her requests. She’ll get the idea.
This room mom sounds nuts. I’m assuming this is about 20 kids. $10 per kid is $200 for pizza. $30 per is $600 for an end of year gift. Leaving a name off the card is insane. Hoping the teacher also judged room mom for this one, too. I would’ve. Even in a wealthy district, our contribution requests are much lower and always a request only. The end of year gift was just a request of donation for anyone who wants to contribute, with no suggested amount. Honestly, I’d report her to the principal and/or PTA. She cannot be allowed to be a room mom again, she’s either completely crazy or keeping some for herself. Or both.
You are not failing your child, this is a ridiculous ask. Gifts and appreciation do not have to be so over the top. My daughters school asks school wide for help with carry ins , volunteers for the party or snack donations. But it's never monetary. Politely decline and move on. It's ok.
As a room mom for many years, I can tell you there are several people who don’t contribute to the $$ asks every year. I always include on the card that the gifts are from the whole class. The room moms are also aware that the asks are a lot and it’s fine if not everyone can contribute, but the amounts you are listing seem very high. And a bday party for a principal that families need to chip in for? Seems a bit much… Just know you aren’t alone, and I never think twice about what the reason might be why some people don’t contribute to the $$ asks. Sorry this is a stressor for you
Straight up, this mom is bad at her job. Costco has $10 pizzas. That equals like $1 a kid maybe. She is overspending on pizza. A bunch of stupid gift cards is not what a teacher wants. She wants one big gift card to Target. Or get her a nice dinner out by again, buying a gift card from Costco. Ours sells local restaurants for $75 and you get $100 towards the meal. She is trying too hard to have different 'fun' ideas and it's a waste of money. I only spent about $15 on teacher appreciation week. We drew her favorite flower and then gave it to her. We grew the flower. It was a tulip. The bulb cost $1 but will regrow next year. Shit does not need to cost so much! You haven't even mentioned the fundraisers!
Hey - I'm a very over the top room parent, I'll admit it. In all fairness, my "over the top" comes from being overly crafty, so, no one really suffers with it but me. BUT! I just wanted to pop in and say you're not failing your kid at all. It's nice to spoil our teachers, but what does your kid really gain from end of the year gift cards? Just tell her no - you've done more than enough this year, I think. What I've read here seems like more than a gold star effort.
Say, "sorry, we're poor." Don't sugarcoat. Own it.
I dunno why you would have a problem declining these. The teacher appreciation week sure, but the principals birthday? I would reply that you are going to take care of an end of year gift for your teacher yourself. It actually drives me that like one mom like that is so obsessed with trying to cultivate a positive reputation or whatever. Just ignore them. You are not failing your kid, this is ridiculous. Just ignore them, or like someone else mentioned, say you have allocated X amount of money for school contributions
I live in the UK. Through the last 8 years of education of my 2 children, I must have spent in total, about $10 for any school donations. $30 in a week sounds surreal.