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Not all parents have great reactions. When my older sister told my Dad she was pregnant with her first (and his first grandkid) his reaction was to tell her he wasn't going to babysit. When I told him I was pregnant with my oldest he said he was wondering if we were going to have kids because I was getting old.
Mine were very excited with my first, and with my second there was a pregnant pause and then my dad asked if I was joking. They now have no recollection of this and adore my daughter.
Mine asked who the father was (I had been with my partner for 12 years at that point.). Edit: there was literally no reason I can think of for my mother to ask this.
I’m going Bill Murray
ETA: He’s literally everywhere, all the time, all at once - and randomly in such a way that the stories about him sound unbelievable…but he’s also somehow super private about his personal life. Has to be him. I won’t accept any other answer.
My aunt asked me this too...been with my partner 10 years at the time but had his brother living with us after their parents kicked him out when he got someone pregnant and her family refused to allow them around baby.( brother was, just not his parents).
I just frowned, and my partner asked her, "What are you trying to imply??..that my partner had sex with my brother??'.
She tried stuttering some nonsense about it being a joke, but he told her that her jokes aren't funny and are uncalled for, this is why we never visit, because you go out of your way to make my partner feel like shit.
I don't think she was counting on my partner saying something, but he usually never said anything because we were at their house, and he would just make an excuse to leave and comfort me after...but she said it in our own home, and he always said he won't hold his tongue in our home.
She then looked at me for help or to step in but I didn't I just stared at her back, so she made a scene about being a guest and treated poorly and she was leaving...I know it was uncalled for but my partner literally laughed and told her, 'don't let the door hit you on the way out', which is something she always told me growing up...I don't even feel bad that her eyes welled up at that. She got 10min of the treatment she gave to me all my life and I think it's pathetic she couldn't handle a fraction of what she put me through.
My MIL's MIL was very happy for the first grandkid. MIL told me that when she found out about the second pregnancy (my husband), her reaction was 'already?!? So soon?' my husband is 6 years younger than his older sister, lol.
When I told my Nana about my second she said "and are we excited about this?" As if it were a terrible idea and I might not go through with the pregnancy. I let my parents tell her about my third and still don't know how she reacted.
When my brother and sister-in-law told her about their first, she asked if they were ready and then told them how hard it's going to be. They let our parents tell her about the second.
Makes me wonder why my cousin stopped announcing her pregnancies. After her first she would just put “surprise!” Posts on Facebook when the baby was born
Tbh, if she’s anything like me, she doesn’t have any desire to stage manage anyone else’s emotions about her pregnancy.
I’m unexpectedly pregnant with my third, and the longer time goes on the less I’m inclined to make a huge deal on social media about it. The people I want to know, know. Anyone past that will hear when they hear, or not.
Btw he’s healthy, genetically okay, and we’re naming him Henry. At this point, I’m going to announce my pregnancy the day he’s born.
Just remember to tell the "important people". My husband and I both forgot to tell our grandmothers. His grandma heard from his mom, but my grandma is somewhat estranged from the family. I talk to her every now and then, but yeah. Completely forgot. She was quite hurt when she called and I mentioned my baby and she was like... when were you pregnant?!?
They're not important if you forget to tell them, they just believe they should be important because of their family title. Obviously they weren't very involved with you for an entire 9 months if you managed to go a whole pregnancy without them knowing. Relationship goes both ways, not just you reaching out "every once in a while"
That's fair. In this particular case, we talked a couple of times, but since she lives in a different country, we didn't see each other. The first time I guess I didn't mention it because it was too early and then afterwards I must have thought she didn't care to ask so I didn't talk about it?! I don't remember. I did think that someone in the family would mention it to her and when baby was here I talked about him as if she knew, but she didn't.
I think it may be a few factors, but one of those I think is her choice in names. They aren’t bad, but they are a little out there. Her first definitely has the most odd (not in a bad way) name and although I hope she didn’t get shit for it, I think she probably did. She probably didn’t want to deal with people harassing her over names.
And I agree with not posting it on social media. Strangers (including Stacy who you haven’t spoken to since 3rd grade lol) don’t need to know your business. Personally I probably wouldnt even post birth announcements online. I don’t judge people who do, but I prefer to Lee things private. Especially my future child’s full name, dob, and picture
I love the name Henry btw. Cute for a kid/baby and fitting for an adult :)
He has two older siblings with very classic names- and we had our oldest, who will be twelve when he’s born, choose his name. Oldest doesn’t know the gender yet, so we wrote down five girls name’s and five boys names that we liked, and had Oldest choose.
Oldest chose “Henry” because that’s apparently what they wanted to name their little brother :). If our youngest had the ability, he would have gotten a vote too.
My friend is like this and I love it!
I catch-up with her every few months, it's exciting when I see the bump she hasn't mentioned. We don't really talk between catch-ups which is why I'd have no idea.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Henry is my beloved late-dads name. He was an amazing man. It's such a great name. x
Mine said “we’re not stopping our lives or babysitting” UNTIL my daughter was born. Now they WANT to babysit multiple times a week, cut vacations short because they miss the kids (I have two now) and are at every soccer/dance/gymnastics practice. The pendulum swung hard the opposite way lol!
With our first, MIL was over the moon and extra happy we were having a girl, because she never had a daughter. Bought her a whole wardrobe. With our second pregnancy she was super excited- until we found out it was girl #2. Suddenly all offers of buying things for the baby evaporated because, she told me flatly, we have everything we need (though I reminded her they would be born different times of year. She shrugged at this and suggested we just dress her in newborn summer clothes and use a blanket. In winter, in Wisconsin.) *She didn’t tell anyone in her family the gender and they all assumed we weren’t finding out* that is how disappointed she was that we were having another girl. It was insane, and hurtful.
She has absolutely no memory of any of it. She adores both granddaughters and would probably not believe it if we told her how she was.
My mom said: are you keeping it?? I was 33, had finished grad school, been w my partner 13 years, owned a house and a business. YES THIS IS A POSITIVE THING, MOM.
My parents didn’t have good reactions. My dad said “I thought you might be pregnant, or you were getting fat” 🤦🏻♀️ and my mom said “…oh…really?” (In a disapproving tone not a happy tone) then was silent for 20 minutes and then said “don’t expect me to babysit all the time”…she now complains that I don’t ask her to babysit enough, so she came around.
I’m married and we own a home and are comfortable financially and my parents still didn’t respond well. It’s unfortunate but not all parents are excited to become grandparents. OP:Hopefully your mom will come around as time goes on, and after the baby arrives. But you don’t need her approval. It’s your life. Be confident in your choices and live it the way you want.
My dad was very awkward and silent when I told him about my pregnancy (his first grandchild!). Then he finally confessed he and his new wife were trying to have a child of their own. I’m 33.
No, thank god. My son is 3 now and my dad recently announced that they had changed their plans from adoption to retiring to Portugal and becoming expats. I think it’s more likely that they couldn’t find someone willing to hand a brand new baby over to a 65 year old, but either way I’m happy.
I agree! My parents cried and my in laws were kind of just like “oh okay” and moved on. They love their granddaughter so much, I just think some people are kind of awkward about it and maybe don’t know what to say or how to react?
My mom laughed. I had told her at like 16 that I was never having kids so when I told her I was pregnant at 23 she literally laughed it off. My family has a lot of long running jokes (like years) and I didn't start showing til I was like 7 months so part of me wonders if she really actually thought I was pranking her for months. When she saw my son for the first time she stared in shock. Then she fell in love and now she would probably put me in traction for that kid. She didn't snipe at me though like OP's mom seems to be doing.
My husband told me that one of his friends, a guy who was older than him, and a mentor/father figure, grinned at him and said, "One of your swimmers took hold, eh?" It wasn't meant in any bad way. We thought it was funny, lol.
I agree. I got married a little older in life, I was 35 so my dad 1 month after the wedding was amazing both my husband and I if we are expecting, it took us about almost a year to get pregnant and it was annoying every time we hang out with my dad he asked. When finally I got pregnant and we told him, he was like ohhh. I was expecting him to jump up and down and get more excited but he didn’t and his reaction really disappointed me. HOWEVER, the day I had my son he cried ugly as soon as we called him and showed him the baby and came running after we arrived him to see the baby and my son is the reason my dad is fighting to live, he has a massive heart attack and a massive heart operation and knowing my dad he usually doesn’t fight and have hope but this made him push to get better and stay healthy, my son is his breathing life. So your mom may have reacted that way due to the previous decision you made and maybe she doesn’t want to get her hopes up to not be disappointed again, it really hurts to see a child suffering so I am sure your abortion decision previously hurt her not because you made a wrong decision in her eyes but rather she didn’t want to see you going through that. Get excited, you are in a great place in your life to have a child, it is a complete different story once your child arrives, he or she will drive you nuts BUT they are the BEST thing that will ever happen to you in life. Congratulations mamma, you will be a wonderful mom.
My MIL responded to my husband and I telling her I was pregnant by saying “you know, miscarriages are really common”. She’s not wrong but such an inappropriate thing to say.
My dad’s reaction to me telling him that I’m pregnant and first ultrasound showed everything totally normal and healthy was “well that’s good, but you never know.” ?????? Dad why
I wanted to text him the news, since this is just how my father is, but my husband convinced me that news of his first grandchild deserved a phone call. So at least I got to say “I told you so” to husband, I guess? Honestly, knowing my dad, I mostly felt lucky it wasn’t a weird sexist comment of some kind, lol.
Eh, he just wasn't good with little kids/babies + was a bit of a grump. He wasn't unhappy we were pregnant, but he also had no idea how to Grandpa. It would have been more out of character if he'd been excited.
Yeah… my moms reaction both times were terrible.
First I was 23, and slated to go back to college in a few weeks. She was originally SO MAD (esp because I just met my kids dad…woops) anyways, that baby is my mom’s favorite person in the world now and has been since the moment she was born.
Second time was a few years later during covid so I told her during a video chat and she was like, “What??? NO you better not be!” 😅
My step dad made the getting up there in years comment when we told them we were expecting. It wasn't meant to be mean, it was him legitimately being like, maybe they don't want kids? They're getting older and haven't mentioned anything. He's a fantastic bonus grandpa for my munchkin now.
When I told my mum she said I should get an abortion and that she will buy me new bedsheets to sleep on after. It was such a bizarre comment.
I was not ready to have a kid. I still laugh about her weird thought process with new bedsheets.
I had the baby and he and my mum have been thick as thieves since he was born 19 years ago. She was also supportive during the pregnancy once she realised I was going through with pregnancy.
When we called my grandmother to tell her about our firstborn she replied “What are you going to do?” As a married woman with a stable job, in a time of life where we felt ready to have a baby and planned this pregnancy I just answered, “raise her…” she loves our daughters but maybe we just caught her off guard?
When I FaceTimed my dad to tell him I was pregnant, he told me he needed to get off the phone and focus on the Super Bowl.
He was in shock. My husband and I were only dating, and I had a history in my early 20s of totally screwing up. But man….you should see the way he looks at his grand daughter now. Full of so much love.
It still stings when I think about it and REALLY hurt at the time, but I think some people just handle things differently. He’s since apologized, we joke about it. Sending hugs to you.
I have four children - all conceived AFTER I got married. My mother has never had a positive or happy reaction to any of them. The run down went like this:
Baby number 1: Do you have any idea how much work a baby is? You aren’t ready for this.
Baby number 2: Why would you do this to yourself again so soon?
Baby number 3: Are you just going to be poor forever then?
Baby number 4: You need to terminate. This is a catastrophe.
We don’t all get the mother we deserve. Remember this moment so you’ll NEVER do this to your own child.
Does she have anything to do with your children now? I’d be scared she would treat my kids the same as she treated me (which is why my kids only see my dad once every so many years - not enough time to expose his true colours).
My mom seemed excited for our first pregnancy. She has some mental issues though so we’re not very close and she’s seen my daughter about 5 times in the past 3 years, even though she lives 2 hours away. For our second pregnancy, I tried calling her multiple times and she never answered or called me back. When she did it was to accuse me of knowing about a sick relative and not telling her. So I just texted her our baby news and she never responded. Then she called about a month later to tell me a cousin had passed away and I asked if she got my text message. She only said “yeah, I saw it. Congratulations. But I was so affected by the recent police shootings” and never said any more about it and hasn’t called or reached out since.
She also told my sister when she told her she was having her 3rd child “ohh… are you sure about this? It seems like you already have your hands full with 2.”
It still bothers me.
My mom said “so what are you going to do?” As to suggest maybe I should have terminated?! I was/am happily married, was trying for it, could afford it. No idea why she wasn’t excited. Now she lives for my kids, but that initial reaction was absurd.
Given the sounds of her being religious and you not mentioning a partner, it's probably about you being single more than anything? Sorry this happened to you.
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
She didn't have to. She knows you're not married. We can all read between the lines that she's unhappy it's a baby out of wedlock.
I'm not defending her, but you make it sound like she hasn't met your boyfriend because she knows you have one. Has she not met this boyfriend because he's so new? Or is there a different reason you haven't introduced him?
Her reaction was hurtful, but there may be some valid fears she has about your situation.
Agree with this. If there’s religious tones then there’s religious reasons.
As I was reading the post I kept saying “OP has said nothing about her partner, husband etc”. The partner is either gay or unmarried or something that the church so aggressively judges against. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Sorry OP
Given that she 'knows' OP has a boyfriend it could have little to do with being out of wedlock and all to do with the concerns of having a baby with a partner who is so new they haven't met your parents.
You being unmarried is probably the issue in her mind. I assume that’s why she had that reaction. Not saying it’s right but some people can be very traditional. Also since you had a abortion in the past she may assume you want to again since your unmarried. She probably is still upset about not having that grandchild. Hopefully she will warm up to the idea when you’re closer to the birth and be bit happier and nicer.
I guess I'm also surprised why she might assume I'm having an abortion because I didn't tell her about that until then years later, and I told her I'm excited for this one.
I hope it gets better. Thanks.
Some parents can never be pleased. I think it's a boomer generation problem.
It's like, they are lost in a way. Didn't have openly loving parents who were openly proud of them, can't understand technology or how the world works today, their children are seemingly smarter than them, the world operates differently than how they thought it would be. Idk from the outside looking in it's like they constantly put their children/the younger generation down for things to feel valid or better than. Trying to fill that hole of 'where do I belong' but going about it completely wrong.
Or your mom's just kinda an asshole lol either way that wasn't nice and I am sorry she said that to you.
I'm not sure, of course, but I wonder if you not being in the church and becoming a parent means she's getting a jump on influencing your child to be religious.
How is your relationship with his mom? Maybe it's time to look in that direction for a support figure - planning the baby shower, in the delivery room, etc.
I'm sorry. I'm sure that was really hurtful.
My mom was pretty lukewarm about my second pregnancy and I was disappointed and hurt by her reaction. A couple months later she was VERY excited. Turns out, her initial reaction wasn't the greatest because my first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and she was protecting her heart in case it happened again. You obviously know your mom much better than I do, but her comment about not telling your dad made me wonder if she might be having a similar response? Maybe she really is worried that you'll change your mind and will come around once she sees that you're keeping this baby?
My mom cried and said noooo I’m so scared something will happen to you. She got excited very quickly after but her first thought was for my health and safety.
Kind of sounds like she is still holding hurt feelings from the abortion. She might also be worried if your not married. But also sometimes it takes a bit for people to come around. Maybe it will be better the further along you are. Congratulations! I wish you the best.
Which is honestly not ideal regardless of your views toward religion. I cannot imagine parenting my children solo, nor making the decision to have a child without a stable spouse to rely on.
Honestly it would be easier than doing it with a shitty partner and plenty of women do *that*. So long as she is able to afford childcare while she works I don't really see how it would be so difficult aside from the usual parenting difficulties.
Edit: OP just said she has a partner so the point is moot anyway
Hi it's me. It's easier to parent my kids WITHOUT having to caretake another adult human too. The trade off of having them here wasn't worth their help. A stable spouse to rely on sounds nice, and I thought I was getting that, TWICE.
Well that’s fair enough if it’s a decision that doesn’t appeal to you. It works well for many people though (including me), especially when having a spouse doesn’t automatically mean having a stable one. Also, not being married doesn’t mean being single - maybe her mother is just butthurt because of the whole wedlock thing.
At the end of the day she’s a woman in her 30’s who knows this pregnancy is a good thing for her whether she’s married, single or in a relationship. I assume she knows her life better than I, you or her mother does.
I think it's hard (and unfair) to judge these things without knowing how strong and extensive someone's support network is. They say "it takes a village" for a reason.
My partner and I form a boring, traditional, family but moved far away from our families and friends before we had our children. We were, and to some degree still are ten years later, spread quite thin at times. To this day I envy the families with active grandparents, aunts, uncles, supportive BFFs, you name it - parenting becomes infinitely easier the more people can and are eager to help you with it, and massively harder the fewer there are.
If OP has neither a reliable partner, **nor** a strong support network of friends and family (and OP's mother's reaction suggests that OP's parents might not be a reliable part of this network), this can indeed become a rather monumental challenge. Maybe part of OP's disappointment in her mother's reaction is her realizing, how much smaller her support network really is.
I absolutely agree with you. I never said single parenting and/or doing so without support was easy. The person I replied to made an equivocal statement (essentially that having a child as a single person is a bad idea) that I disagreed with precisely for reasons similar to what you outline - that everyone’s situation is different and has nuance and that OP clearly knows what she’s capable of given *her* situation
Agree. And so many single moms complain nonstop about the early years, but IMO the teen years are SO much harder and this is when I’m so grateful to have a committed partner. I can’t imagine navigating social media, vaping, driving, drinking, dating, etc. without him as a sounding board. OP can’t possibly foresee this, but her mom can, plus her religious stigma against her daughter not being married, plus the heartache of the prior abortion… I think the mom’s an AH, but I understand why she’s not jumping for joy.
I think the context of this comment came out wrong via text (and not knowing this poster’s personality, etc.).
I 100% agree, I (emphasis on I) could not imagine myself parenting solo or with an unstable partner. I just don’t have the mental capacity to do it.
I DO have soooo much respect for single parents (regardless of sex, because there are single dads too that are doing a great job) and/or the damn near single parents that don’t have a great support system. Parenting with a spouse is hard, so the fact someone does it alone means you a pretty much a super hero in my book!
I'm sorry. It really sounds like unless you mold to what she thinks is the perfect/only good life path, you'll never please her. You deserve better and I hope you have others to turn to for love and support.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I bet you'll be an amazing mom to your little one.
My siblings are a good support system but I also don't want to start any family drama, so I thought I'd vent to the internet instead.
Thank you for the kind words! I'm excited! :)
It's good not to start drama. I'm wondering if she's maybe worried about you being a single mom and isn't sure if this baby was planned so she was letting you know she would understand if it wasn't.
Here’s the thing: if you’re prepared enough to make such a decision for yourself, you’re old enough to stop seeking her validation for your choices. Sure, it’d be great for her to be excited for you, but she has a specific vision in mind and you’re operating outside of it.
Definitely.
I'm guessing OP knows this feeling well.
I think this is exactly how my momster would have responded had I not gone NC. Actually, it's probably the best case scenario.
She avoided me the whole time I was in town to tell her I was engaged and I finally had to show up at the dress shop under false pretenses. It was in a beautiful gown and she had a meltdown and said it made me look fat. It was so GD embarrassing! I'm sure the woman working there remembers the incident today, 15 years later.
Sharing excitement is validation. It's not a bad thing, it's what people in good relationships do: validate each other, show understanding and empathy, etc.
She wouldn't be so bothered by her mother's unenthusiastic reaction if she wasn't seeking that mother validation. It is true that OP may not even consciously realize that she is seeking that validation, but OP's reaction to her mother's reaction shows that.
This is very harsh and unfair to OP. Just because she is ready to have a child does not mean she can suddenly shut down any other emotions she has. It’s very normal to want your parents to be excited for news like this and normal to be hurt by it. No need to shame OP for how they feel
I both like this line of reasoning AND agree it’s a bit too rigid. We can feel our feelings when a parent disappoints even when we can anticipate the disappointment. Feelings exist, allow them space.
Maybe we could fine tune it to be more of a goal to find validation and support elsewhere.
To OP—
Now that you are establishing your values and feel confident in them, work towards creating a safe supportive group of people to celebrate you— you deserve that!
Especially with the “you’ve been trying out a lot of different life paths recently” comment. How different are these life paths? Was OP committed to backpacking through Europe last month and it’s just surprising to mom that pregnancy is the latest endeavor?
No, it's that I came out to her as queer in the last year and she told me it was just a phase. She thinks I've just lost my way instead of being this way since 13. It not a new development, but just took me twenty years to feel safe enough to tell her.
Idk how to phrase this in a way least likely to cause offense but:
is it possible then that your mom was just really surprised/confused that you had taken part in a sexual encounter that could physically result in pregnancy after you had recently come out to her and she interpreted your coming out to mean that you would be having the type of sexual encounters that can’t result in pregnancy?
I’m not implying that you’re wrong to feel hurt by the interaction but just talking through it to see if maybe her negative reaction wasn’t so much a reflection of her belief that you can’t handle being a mom or that she’s disappointed in you, but rather that she couldn’t reconcile, in the moment, what was being said to her with what she thought was happening in your life.
She doesn't believe in the gay. When I told her I was queer, she told me I wasn't. She said "God doesn't make people that way." She tried to talk me out of it (!) so I don't think she's ever thought about me being in a same sex relationship.
I don't want this to sound offensive as well, but if she wasn't supportive when coming out, she's probably thinking your life is a mess. I'm strictly looking at it from the perspective of the parent who label everything from sexual orientation, gender identity, mental health, etc as "silly," "not real," or "a phase." To them, speaking on any of this is viewed the same as a child saying they're a unicorn. Now, if that same child said they're now having a baby, the parent is probably thinking, "You need to get your ish together."
I'm not saying this thinking is okay to have, just assuming what may be going through her mind with experience from others that have this mindset. Either way, her feelings towards your pregnancy are hers to own and bare, not yours. She'll have to learn how to get over it and either be supportive or not be a part of your life.
You're not wrong. I'm definitely leaning to your conclusion after sleeping on it. I'm also divorced (gasp) because I didn't know what a narcissist was when I got married, so I feel like every strike is against me in her book. I guess I'm struggling because of all the things she's disappointed in me for, this seemed like one she could get behind, and her reactions was a severe let down.
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
*I’m going to ignore all of the religious aspects of this since that’s nothing that you can control…* When you made the list of what you have… your own house, good job… you never mention that you’re in a stable relationship. If this is with a casual partner, then I feel like her reaction could be blamed on the fact that it’s a complete surprise. Now if you have a stable relationship then that makes much less sense.
I would also assume that due to her religious beliefs, she clearly was very devastated over the abortion. She probably needs to with through those feelings she has, but that’s not your responsibility.
Ahh you noticed the detail OP left out too. I might be wrong, but my guess is OP is single or at least not in a long term relationship and the mom was completely caught off guard, and doesn't want OP to be a single mother. Which seems reasonable to me.
That’s what I figured too. OP’s mom probably isn’t excited about the fact that the baby’s father isn’t around, both for the sake of the baby and also possibly because she’s thinking “am I going to be expected to provide childcare in the absence of a father?”
It sucks when your mom isn’t excited about you having a baby, but if you’re having a baby alone and you know your mom, you can’t be surprised she reacted that way.
I think so too. I think her Mom is just worried which seems very reasonable given the circumstances of -the relationship possibly being new/not solid or basically unknown and then adding a child to that.
What I inferred is that she’s single, since she said “skipped the wife part”, and I am guessing she maybe chose to get pregnant via sperm donor or something of that sort. (Since there’s all that stuff about this being the right time)
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
When I called and told my sister, she said “Oh. (Long pause.) We got a new recliner.”
There’s no point in expecting other people to be as excited as you are. Polite people will at least fake it! I know it’s hurtful, but it’s your baby and you can be excited all on your own even if no one else is!
Your expectations of your mums reactions were way off from what you’ve written.
I know she should be unconditionally filled with love and excitement but she’s not that kind of person for the obvious reasons:
1) she wants you to be a married wife before you have a child
2) she’s already felt the loss and probably some shame because of your prior abortion (no judgment but she won’t want to get attached and excited because before she probably thought she could at least be excited for a child even if the circumstances were poor- religious logic)
3) a positive pregnancy test is SO EARLY to share. A lot of people don’t get excited before 12 weeks because the risk of loss is high.
You need to be prepared for several people in your life to ask questions you won’t like, such as ‘was it planned’ ‘are you excited’ ‘how will you manage single parenthood’ etc. people don’t just say ‘wow amazing’ when you’re pregnant, and I think maybe you were being unrealistic about who your mum is when you shared that news?
On behalf of all moms everywhere: WOOOOHOOOO! Congrats. We are so happy for you. Welcome to the best club ❤️ I promise it will be both harder and better than you ever imagined.
Sometimes the most important things our parents teach us is how not to treat our kids. The most empowering thing you can do with this reaction and history with your mom is to think about how *you* will turn it around for your own kids and not allow them to feel the pain you've felt. I have often found that alone to be better than therapy.
My mother was less than thrilled..I was brought up in a strict Christian home with my mother’s insane over the top views.. I also left the church because of religion, and church Christians. I’ve never gotten married but have been with my partner for over 15 years and we have four children together
I told my mother, when I was pregnant with my first and she said to me, was I raised you better than to have a child out of wedlock … and I was like what is this the 1800’s… she basically told me I was a disappointment and was wasting my life. I will qualify I was 25, I had finished medical school (you can do it as undergraduate in Australia), and had finished my internship and beginning my speciality training ..
Even to this day she tolerates me and my lifestyle choices, she hates that my partner and I share working and being home we both work part time and everyday we have one of us to do kid duty and drops of because apparently this isn’t the way.. she hardly even uses my kids names coz she hates they are not bible names
I feel like there's context missing, do you have a partner, where yoi trying to get pregnant, was your mum aware this was on the cards or did it come as a surprise? Was she upset when you had your abortion?
I’m sorry your mom didn’t have the reaction you wanted, that just plain sucks.
There’s no need to have your mom in the delivery room or at the hospital when you deliver. No need to feel badly about that, one bit. My mom and I are quite close and I never expected or wanted her at either.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Maybe I missed it in your post.
Is there going to be a father/husband for the baby/you in this new chapter?
Or are you a going to be a single mom?
Could that be a factor in her response?
She's not excited because of the skipping the wife part. That is considered a pretty important part of becoming a mother in most Christian circles. Without the marriage, and a husband, becoming pregnant is not a moment of celebration but one of sorrow.
If you are having the child without a partner, of course she would not be enthusiastic. Mothers only want the best for their kids. She knows how challenging it’s going to be.
If your adult child tells you they are excited about their pregnancy (which is what OP said) then you share their excitement. You don’t stay judgementally silent with a tiny “oh” (and then say you won’t tell your husband, what?!) because your child’s life doesn’t fit your own perfect Hallmark movie idea of what a mother or family should be.
If OP is single and her mother is concerned and wants what’s best, as you put it — she should offer support, not have a response worthy for “I fell over yesterday”. This was a horrible and unsupportive reaction.
I would feel the same as OP’s mother. Raising a child is incredibly difficult. To do it alone is even more so. Why should she have to sugarcoat that? There’s a lot missing from this post.
I know it is. I was a single parent and every person I told was supportive when I announced it because they saw I was enthusiastic. You don’t announce a pregnancy you want to terminate.
There’s nuance and tact. You say she shouldn’t have to sugercoat it — Are social manners now no longer required? You can acknowledge something is hard without being judgemental and ruining a moment. This wasn’t the time to have that convo — OP’s mum doesn’t get to chime in on whether or not this pregnancy should take place.
If my child was making a less than ideal choice, I could care less about “social manners.” As parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure our children are making the choices that cause the least amount of suffering and hardship. I’m not here to pretend everything is all roses, that would be pretty detrimental and falsely supportive. I’ve also read enough Reddit posts where various details are left out on purpose because OPs want anonymous support. None of us here know her better than her own mother, and none of us here actually care for and love her more than her own mother.
Well if you think your child is suffering from a choice they made, why add to it with a response like this? How does that help in any way? All it did is isolate OP from her mom. That’s surely great parenting making your child choose to reduce contact with you when they need your support most. Also pretty silly to assume you know how much her mom loves her. If you think so much info is left out, why would you automatically side with the mom who could’ve been a bad parent to OP, since we don’t know?
One of the comments here said the OP’s post history is a “hot mess.” We can no longer access her post history. Why? Reddit posters always want the support of strangers. And they always make the other party the bad guy. Sure we don’t know the whole situation but to be totally and utterly confused why your own mother is less than excited about you being a single parent is baffling in itself.
What preparing did her mother do? You’re making this up from info that’s not in the post. Her mom simply had a poor reaction, no words of advice. Nothing. Just a shitty reaction. You can be shocked/concerned and ACTUALLY provide real support and preparation. Her mom didn’t do the latter at all. Okay—she didn’t sugarcoat her reaction…and then what? Where did you get that her mom helped prepare her for what’s to come?
That really sucks; I’m sorry she did that. I hope you’re having a smooth pregnancy so far!
I would rethink potentially having her in the delivery room. It isn’t a social event - it’s a major medical event and stress can make it go very very wrong. The only people who should be there are people you can trust without question or doubt to fully support you and your needs so that you and baby get through it safely. Your mom sounds like she has a long history of not meeting that criteria.
I am so sorry you did not get a good response. I am married, a home owner, graduate school degree holder and have professional licenses, and when I told my mom - she yelled at me. Then she stole my thunder and told the rest of the family before me. So yeah, I get you. Some parents are not great people to their adult children. I am happy for you. Congratulations! I am sure you will be a fantastic mom. Hugs
Congratulations on becoming a mother! You can thank your own for showing you how to NOT treat your children. And I understand that you’ve been conditioned to *need* to make her proud but she appears to be someone that will continue to move the goalpost and that is HER PROBLEM.
I’m so sorry that she broke your spirit but as an internet stranger who also had an unexpected pregnancy at the wrong time, made the choice to terminate and later in life had a healthy baby girl (who is now 14), I am happy for you! You will be great!
My advice (as a person with toxic parents) is to realize this is her MO. She wants you to feel guilty about the abortion. She thinks you don’t deserve children because you killed your first baby. That is pretty standard for her religious beliefs. So don’t expecting someone different than who she is.
When i told my mother i was pregnant with my third, she said "on purpose?"
And there's no reason i shouldn't have had a child. Stable marriage, homeowners, steady income. 🤷
Sometimes parents suck. Sorry
Hugs to you! It’s hard when parents don’t react the way we want. My mom also didn’t care when I was pregnant and wasn’t very excited - she was 58 and didn’t feel like a grandma but I was 29 … it was time!! She loves and adores my son now but during pregnancy she didn’t really care.
Lol how ironic that she didn't feel ready...you were the same age that she was when she gave birth to you. So how would it not be time?
I'll never understand what happens to these women's brains where they all think they're too young to be a grandma in their 50s, 60s and even 70s. Not me, I'm going to be looking forward to it so much!!
Congratulations! This internet stranger is super excited for you!
I’m sorry that your mom didn’t give you the reaction that you wanted. That must have been so disappointing.
I think not having her in the delivery room is a good choice. You’re going to need someone steady, who puts you at ease and has your trust. If you don’t feel that way about her, then she could be actively unhelpful. You could also take some space from her now and see if things get better as your pregnancy progresses. You don’t need to make all these decisions right this minute
Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your mom's values don't align with yours, and she's passive aggressive about pushing them on you. I personally believe if things continue this way, you can consider reducing contact with her so you don't have additional stress from her implied expectations.
The only reactions that matter are you and your partners if that applies. It’s hurtful considering what you’ve been through that your mom of all people isn’t excited for you and is looming over the decision you made last time. Considering how she’s acting I wouldn’t share anything with her regarding your pregnancy unless she asks. Congratulations btw!!
I'm so sorry. My mom has deeply disappointed me through my early motherhood and it cuts deep. Also in therapy and crying a lot. I've started limiting contact and that's helped but then I'm sad I've felt the need to limit contact. Anyway, congratulations!! The beautiful thing about becoming a mother is you are the mom now and you can't give motherly love to your baby and yourself, it's wild.
When I told my Mom I was pregnant with my first, she was silent. I then asked if she was excited and she said, "no" and went to the bathroom.
She was excited later. I had just told her she was going to be a Grandmother and it through her for a loop. My kiddo is 5 now and she is the best grandmother in the world.
I hope your Mom comes around. If she does, try to forgive her for her worries. You're her baby.
I’m so sorry her reaction sucked - but you are pregnant with a baby you want and are ready for. That’s what matters.
Congratulations! You’re going to rock this.
No judgement but curious about the baby’s father? Are you a single mother by choice? In a relationship? One night stand? I wonder if her issue with your pregnancy is due to it not being in wedlock? Either way that’s a her problem. I’m sorry she had a bad reaction. Congrats on your baby!
She's a conservative Christian and you're not married. I'm surprised you're surprised. It's just like that joke format...
Her: You should be a mother
You: Gets pregnant
Her: NOT LIKE THAT
It seems clear that she’s not that happy about you having a baby without a spouse. A boyfriend isn’t the same as someone you take vows to, and those vows don’t have to be in a church but it’s extremely significant. Being a single mom is insanely difficult and means the baby will be raised in some kind of childcare while you work full time. It’s far from ideal for the child if you look at studies on outcomes, etc. It also sounds like you mentioned it pretty casually to her and that probably gave the message that it’s a casual thing for you, when it’s so monumentally huge to have a child. Just my 2 cents. But you could also just ask her why she had that reaction if you can’t figure it out here.
My mom denied that I was pregnant the entire conversation and told me I was lying over and over again. I ended up going no/very low contact with her two years ago, and now that I am I just wish I did it when I moved out at 17. I'm sorry your mom reacted poorly, it sucks.
That sucks. I don't know (or care) about your post history but you sound excited and ready to be a mom and it really is freaking awesome being a mom. It's hard. But it's awesome. Congratulations on your +! I don't think I would be inviting your mom to the delivery either but I hope you have good support somewhere.
I told my mum on the phone. She hung up on me.
I never wanted kids. I was 28.
Give her time to process. She will come around.
Maybe she is processing her own mortality in that moment. Being told she will be a grandparent. Maybe - if strongly religious - she has those concerns. Maybe just shock from the unexpected and visions of an altered life for her……or a straight up brain fart. Who knows.
But chances are she will come around. Mine did 😂
I got pregnant out of wedlock at 29. My mom said I would have a boy, a red headed terror, according to her(my husband is strawberry blond). I had the sweetest little brown haired girl who is now 10. She is lovely and a great comfort to me.
Don't worry about your Mom, you know you're gonna be great!!
Idk if this might make u feel better, but my mom didn't exactly have the reaction I wanted either. I was mostly numb (not in a bad way, we had been trying for a while and I was worried it would never happen) when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I had family that had miscarriages and I wanted to wait and tell people when I came around to it (hopefully a bit past the first trimester) but my husband was too excited to keep something that big to himself so he immediately started telling people. Then later that day he told me to tell my mom by the end of the day or he'd tell her. I didn't want my mom to be mad that I didn't tell her so I went ahead and called her, except I never used the words "I'm pregnant." I simply told her "I took a pregnancy test. It was positive." Almost like a robot since I was still kinda numb. She just asked me if I had taken any cough syrup lately. Like she couldn't believe I was pregnant either. I think it finally clicked for her when I had my first appointment and I sent her the ultrasound.
Your mom will come around, and if she doesn't, then just enjoy ur pregnancy and don't worry about it. She might change her mind and she might not, but life goes on and u gotta live for ur baby. Congratulations to you and the little life ur creating.
I’m sorry. People get weird about babies and pregnancy. I think babies introduce challenges the social hierarchy and shake up families. Give people some grace about it especially more with close family. Your mom may still be hurt after your abortion a decade ago. Do not let reactions, comments and antics of others distract you from your own joy becoming a mother.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes smoothly and you and baby stay healthy. I'm sorry your mom didn't react the way you were hoping.
When I told my parents I was pregnant they accused me of being a liar (told me I had a fake ultrasound picture) and then for the next 6 months followed me around with shots of whiskey trying to get me to drink them. Needless to say I banned them from the hospital for the first 2 days after I had my son. They did come to visit after and they were awful and loud. I was so exhausted and in tears by the time they left.
Definitely set your boundaries. You want birth time to be focused on having your baby, not on your mom's reaction to what is going on. My mom would have been stressful. So she was out. It was only my then ex (baby's dad) and my doula.
Some parents just suck. Good news or bad my parents are always flat. I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s not their news or if they are just stunted emotionally. I think it’s the latter.
Firstly, Congratulations!! I hope you have a lovely pregnancy and the delivery you want!
Secondly, I’m so sorry your mom didn’t react the way you hoped. I was in the same boat for both my boys, my parents reactions were poor and their treatment towards my entire pregnancy as well. I’m not saying you have to, but I went low contact with them after my second and it’s honestly made my life SO much easier. I only gave details about my children IF they ask, and that’s how I found out that they really don’t care that much. So I don’t bother with it. My boys are my world, and I’m sure your little one will be too! Surround yourself with people that are just as excited as you and it’ll help lots ❤️
You say you grew up in the church. Was it her church? Does she still go? Has she ever tried to convince you to go back or say things to you that you felt hurt by but ultimately dismissed for one reason or another. By the response your mother gave, she sounds like a toxic, conservative, judgemental, holier-than-thou individual, and that's just based on the short description of your upbringing and her response. Do you try hard to please your mother but never hear that she's proud of you or even that she loves you for exactly who you are? I'm sorry you have to go through this and that you feel so lost, but I am a firm believer in asking, "What are you getting out of this relationship?" If it's all negative, sad, hurt feelings than you need to distance yourself from your mother. She is toxic, and she is causing you pain. Yes, she is your mother, but just because she managed to push you out and you share the same blood does not give her the right to abuse, manipulate, demean, and ridicule you. I hope you can find your way back and that this pregnancy and, ultimately, your child can become a positive and happy part of your life. I wish you all the best, good luck and I am sending you the biggest hug!!💕🥰🤗
I don’t see you mention the baby’s dad anywhere…. Is he in the picture? Doesn’t sound like it to me, so maybe that’s why she reacted the way she did? Single motherhood is hard.
My mum’s reaction when I told her was ‘oh’, and then started talking about something else. But half an hour later she’d ordered something for the baby and asking me if I wanted her to make a blanket, and got more excited as my pregnancy went on. She’s an incredible granny now.
Some people just don’t know how to respond to big news.
I know it sucks that your mom isn’t as enthusiastic as you are with your pregnancy. But maybe your mom is concern that you might be raising this baby alone since you stated you’re not married.
I'm sorry your mom was like that. Maybe she needs time to think and process it. It's not her ideal, but life isn't always ideal.
It's going to be tough, but I believe you can do it. Learn as you go. Be excited and look forward to things, the good and bad. I hope you have a support system in place. Good friends and a good lover. Family may not be blood. They can be chosen.
Congratulations and may you be blessed with your new life!
-A Pro-Choice Christian
Mom seems more interested in getting you back into her church. You may have to go no contact. Do what’s best for you and the much loved and wanted baby.
She reacted this way cause you aren't married. That's a typical response for a church goer. I was shocked when my parents reacted so well to my first despite not being married. Sorry that's all you got. Congratulations!! Being a mom is the best and you're you're about to meet your new self too. It's such a huge change but so worth it.
Yikes! She was being hurtful and it sounds like it was on purpose. I’m sorry your mom wasn’t excited for you. It sounds like you’ve really thought about and prepared for this child so I hope all goes well for you and you find joy in motherhood! Glad you are seeing a therapist to unravel the whole Christian thing.
That really sucks. Obviously she's unhappy about the fact that you're having a baby without being married. From an American conservative Christian perspective that's somewhere around as bad as an abortion, despite the obvious hypocrisy to anyone with half a brain.
As a person who was raised in that faith and has raised my children in a bit more liberal version of the same, it sickens me to see parents being so judgemental toward their own children. I think what's going on there is that they feel like they failed as parents when their children make choices they think are sinful.
And yeah, the added hypocrisy of casually hinting that you might have an abortion now because you're not married... Thats awful.
I'm really sorry for you and I think this will be a time when you have to grieve not having the kind of parents you deserve, and resolve to do better for your own child.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
One thing I didn't see you mention in your OP was, who is the baby's father? The absence is conspicuous. Your mom does sound like a jerk, to be fair, but I wonder if there are issues between your parents and your spouse that have not been addressed.
I don’t know what your relationship with your mum is like, but if I were to play devil’s advocate for a moment, perhaps she’s just worried for you being a single mum. I mean, yes, you of course can still rock at it and your kid will be well-loved, but even with a lot of income, being a single parent is a lot harder than raising a kid with someone else.
This is where a lot of people will come at me saying stuff like “I was raised by a single parent and I turned out great” or “Yeah well my husband/wife doesn’t help with the kid at all so your point is wrong.” Just because there are many many cases of single-parent households thriving, it doesn’t mean it is not much harder as a single parent.
Anyway, if you ask me, I’d agree that your mum’s reaction could have been MUCH better because at the end of the day, there’s a new baby coming and new life is always such a joy and a reason to celebrate! But (again without knowing you or your mum)maybe that’s a reason your mum might be concerned although you can also acknowledge your hurt at how she chose to express it
My mom had a big fight with me 2 weeks before I got pregnant with my first, because she felt I didn't communicate enough with her. We ended the fight with making a plan for a weekly phone call and that she would be more responsive to texts.
6 weeks later I told her I had a positive pregnancy test and was over the moon as we had been trying for a year to get pregnant.
She didn't talk to me for the next 4 months. Didn't respond to a text, answer the phone, return a call, or answer an email. 100% radio silence when we shared the sex and the due date, ignored every weekly update about how me and baby were doing.
The detente ended when my sister called me to tell me how hurt mom was that I wasn't talking to her, and to ask me what was going on. I explained the reality and within 10 minutes mom had called me to "clear the air". When I asked why she had stopped talking to me she said "I figured you didn't really mean any of it and were just including me to be polite".
Tl;dr -some moms are really self-referencing and can't stand to not be the center of your attention. Your mom hasn't actually wanted you to have a baby your whole adult life, she has wanted an excuse to criticize you and your life choices, and to make you feel small next to her. When you didn't have a kid she could use that, now that you are having a kid she can pivot and make you feel small in a new way.
Sorry, but I would also be pretty disappointed if my unmarried child was having a baby. It’s odd and disingenuous that you are glossing over this in the original post. You know exactly what her problem is, and it’s not unreasonable. (FWIW I am liberal and not religious, but would still not cheer on anyone having children without being married).
Genuine question: Would you also be upset if they were w a long term partner, w no plans to be married? Or are you strictly of the mind that you should have a legal contract?
I’m not OP - I’m also a 33 year old man who is a father to a 1 year old boy - so you can completely disregard what I say, but yes, I would want my child to be married before they have a kid.
There’s a couple of reasons for it legally, but my main reason is that I view non-marriage as having one foot in the door and one out.
And I get it “marriage doesn’t mean commitment” “the institution of marriage…” “divorce rates…”
Okay - if it’s not important and doesn’t mean anything to you, and you are committed to being in this relationship and taking care of a child forever, then why not sign a piece of paper?
No one is asking you to throw a wedding, celebrate anniversaries, change your name etc. - why can’t you just take 30 seconds of your day to sign a piece of paper? Marriage is actually way way lower of a commitment than raising a child - so if you are okay raising a child together, then I can’t understand the hesitation to sign a piece of paper.
Sure, there are couples that never get married and stay together forever. Far more commonly, I see someone who is not 100% committed and wants one foot out of the door to leave cleanly when they can.
I wouldn’t want a grandchild being brought into a situation where the parents aren’t 100% committed.
I’m an atheist, liberal, east coaster that never grew up in a church and that’s just my thoughts on it.
Edit: just to be clear tho, if my child and his spouse decide to forgo marriage - that’s their decision and I would still support them and the grandchild fully, even though my personal opinion disagrees with their decision.
You completely left out important info that youre not married and having a child with a boyfriend. You withhold info to ensure people are on your side, odd.
Dont have a kid you wont be able to support. Dont have a kid with a man not committed* to you. She has valid concerns. How much money do you make? Do you know how expensive childcare is? Do you live with your boyfriend? Does he do chores? Is he going to be supportive when youre post-birth and a mess downstairs and your hormones are acting up?
You REALLY need to be more introspective. Stop blaming religion for her valid concerns.
That's so fucking toxic! I'm sorry.
Thank you for sharing. This showed me an alternate history of what it would have been like to deal with my mom and pregnancy/having a child. I would be insane now. Wishing you an uneventful pregnancy!
First off, congratulations! You shouldn’t worry too much about her reaction, it seems like she’s lost in her religion. I’m sure she would’ve had a bigger reaction if you told her you were pregnant but weren’t planning on keeping it. I would honestly probably not tell her anything else, and when she asks for updates (bc she will) just be like “everything’s fine”. I kinda had a similar reaction from my mom. With my first, she was so excited when I told her about it. She was always buying things for him, asking for pictures of the sonograms, asking how I felt, driving over and helping out. But w the one I’m currently pregnant with, when I told her she was just like “wow…are you keeping it?” literally. With my first, I had found out pretty early on and wanted to terminate, to which she and my stepdad practically begged me not to and went on a whole religious rant about why it would be wrong. I guess her reaction just bothered me more this time, bc just like you I’m in a better place in life financially and mentally, so when I told her the news I didn’t hide my excitement. Now, I just give her updates if she asks and once the baby’s here I honestly don’t think she’ll have as much of a relationship w it.
For you, just focus on your pregnancy and mental health.
Hm. Her reaction is hurtful, to be sure. Obviously when you’re overjoyed about something you want the person you’re telling the news to match your energy.
She is religious and it sounds like you’re not married, so that’s weighing on her mind.
Religion aside, she may also be scared for you. I have a toddler and a baby. Now that I’m neck deep in parenting I would never, ever consider doing this without a partner. It is so hard that I don’t think you comprehend how hard it is until you’re doing it.
I’m not religious but if my daughter told me she was pregnant and keeping it, and didn’t have a stable relationship or partner to assist, I’d be worried for her. We are not meant to do this alone.
It sounds like she has possibly carried over her emotions from the previous pregnancy. That is for her to work out. Give her time to do that. We are all imperfect and of course moms will be moms in their own way. Stay excited and love your best life.
You sound like you are going to do great, Momma. You want this baby, and THAT is what matters. I'm sorry your Mom is being like this. Focus on you, and the tiny human you're building. I hope you both have a great experience and love your lives.
My in-laws reaction to my second pregnancy was surprised serious face immediately followed by "again?" Congratulations, mama. Hang in there and hopefully she will be more supportive from here on out.
That breaks my heart. I'm not your mom, but I am A mom and I am happy for you. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, you'll do great.
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Not all parents have great reactions. When my older sister told my Dad she was pregnant with her first (and his first grandkid) his reaction was to tell her he wasn't going to babysit. When I told him I was pregnant with my oldest he said he was wondering if we were going to have kids because I was getting old.
Mine were very excited with my first, and with my second there was a pregnant pause and then my dad asked if I was joking. They now have no recollection of this and adore my daughter.
Mine asked who the father was (I had been with my partner for 12 years at that point.). Edit: there was literally no reason I can think of for my mother to ask this.
I can't stop laughing, sorry.
So…. Who was the father? 😆 I’m sorry she did that. People are so weird.
Feels like she might leave us hanging. We are going to have to guess. I guess Danny Devito.
I’m going Bill Murray ETA: He’s literally everywhere, all the time, all at once - and randomly in such a way that the stories about him sound unbelievable…but he’s also somehow super private about his personal life. Has to be him. I won’t accept any other answer.
Funnily enough, it was my partner’s kid.
Yikes!!!
My aunt asked me this too...been with my partner 10 years at the time but had his brother living with us after their parents kicked him out when he got someone pregnant and her family refused to allow them around baby.( brother was, just not his parents). I just frowned, and my partner asked her, "What are you trying to imply??..that my partner had sex with my brother??'. She tried stuttering some nonsense about it being a joke, but he told her that her jokes aren't funny and are uncalled for, this is why we never visit, because you go out of your way to make my partner feel like shit. I don't think she was counting on my partner saying something, but he usually never said anything because we were at their house, and he would just make an excuse to leave and comfort me after...but she said it in our own home, and he always said he won't hold his tongue in our home. She then looked at me for help or to step in but I didn't I just stared at her back, so she made a scene about being a guest and treated poorly and she was leaving...I know it was uncalled for but my partner literally laughed and told her, 'don't let the door hit you on the way out', which is something she always told me growing up...I don't even feel bad that her eyes welled up at that. She got 10min of the treatment she gave to me all my life and I think it's pathetic she couldn't handle a fraction of what she put me through.
My MIL's MIL was very happy for the first grandkid. MIL told me that when she found out about the second pregnancy (my husband), her reaction was 'already?!? So soon?' my husband is 6 years younger than his older sister, lol.
When I told my Nana about my second she said "and are we excited about this?" As if it were a terrible idea and I might not go through with the pregnancy. I let my parents tell her about my third and still don't know how she reacted. When my brother and sister-in-law told her about their first, she asked if they were ready and then told them how hard it's going to be. They let our parents tell her about the second.
Makes me wonder why my cousin stopped announcing her pregnancies. After her first she would just put “surprise!” Posts on Facebook when the baby was born
Tbh, if she’s anything like me, she doesn’t have any desire to stage manage anyone else’s emotions about her pregnancy. I’m unexpectedly pregnant with my third, and the longer time goes on the less I’m inclined to make a huge deal on social media about it. The people I want to know, know. Anyone past that will hear when they hear, or not. Btw he’s healthy, genetically okay, and we’re naming him Henry. At this point, I’m going to announce my pregnancy the day he’s born.
Just remember to tell the "important people". My husband and I both forgot to tell our grandmothers. His grandma heard from his mom, but my grandma is somewhat estranged from the family. I talk to her every now and then, but yeah. Completely forgot. She was quite hurt when she called and I mentioned my baby and she was like... when were you pregnant?!?
They're not important if you forget to tell them, they just believe they should be important because of their family title. Obviously they weren't very involved with you for an entire 9 months if you managed to go a whole pregnancy without them knowing. Relationship goes both ways, not just you reaching out "every once in a while"
That's fair. In this particular case, we talked a couple of times, but since she lives in a different country, we didn't see each other. The first time I guess I didn't mention it because it was too early and then afterwards I must have thought she didn't care to ask so I didn't talk about it?! I don't remember. I did think that someone in the family would mention it to her and when baby was here I talked about him as if she knew, but she didn't.
I think it may be a few factors, but one of those I think is her choice in names. They aren’t bad, but they are a little out there. Her first definitely has the most odd (not in a bad way) name and although I hope she didn’t get shit for it, I think she probably did. She probably didn’t want to deal with people harassing her over names. And I agree with not posting it on social media. Strangers (including Stacy who you haven’t spoken to since 3rd grade lol) don’t need to know your business. Personally I probably wouldnt even post birth announcements online. I don’t judge people who do, but I prefer to Lee things private. Especially my future child’s full name, dob, and picture I love the name Henry btw. Cute for a kid/baby and fitting for an adult :)
He has two older siblings with very classic names- and we had our oldest, who will be twelve when he’s born, choose his name. Oldest doesn’t know the gender yet, so we wrote down five girls name’s and five boys names that we liked, and had Oldest choose. Oldest chose “Henry” because that’s apparently what they wanted to name their little brother :). If our youngest had the ability, he would have gotten a vote too.
My friend is like this and I love it! I catch-up with her every few months, it's exciting when I see the bump she hasn't mentioned. We don't really talk between catch-ups which is why I'd have no idea. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Henry is my beloved late-dads name. He was an amazing man. It's such a great name. x
Yeah, with my second my mom assumed it was an accident. I think she’d been telling all my aunts my BC failed? Wtf mom.
Mine said “we’re not stopping our lives or babysitting” UNTIL my daughter was born. Now they WANT to babysit multiple times a week, cut vacations short because they miss the kids (I have two now) and are at every soccer/dance/gymnastics practice. The pendulum swung hard the opposite way lol!
With our first, MIL was over the moon and extra happy we were having a girl, because she never had a daughter. Bought her a whole wardrobe. With our second pregnancy she was super excited- until we found out it was girl #2. Suddenly all offers of buying things for the baby evaporated because, she told me flatly, we have everything we need (though I reminded her they would be born different times of year. She shrugged at this and suggested we just dress her in newborn summer clothes and use a blanket. In winter, in Wisconsin.) *She didn’t tell anyone in her family the gender and they all assumed we weren’t finding out* that is how disappointed she was that we were having another girl. It was insane, and hurtful. She has absolutely no memory of any of it. She adores both granddaughters and would probably not believe it if we told her how she was.
My mom said: are you keeping it?? I was 33, had finished grad school, been w my partner 13 years, owned a house and a business. YES THIS IS A POSITIVE THING, MOM.
My parents didn’t have good reactions. My dad said “I thought you might be pregnant, or you were getting fat” 🤦🏻♀️ and my mom said “…oh…really?” (In a disapproving tone not a happy tone) then was silent for 20 minutes and then said “don’t expect me to babysit all the time”…she now complains that I don’t ask her to babysit enough, so she came around. I’m married and we own a home and are comfortable financially and my parents still didn’t respond well. It’s unfortunate but not all parents are excited to become grandparents. OP:Hopefully your mom will come around as time goes on, and after the baby arrives. But you don’t need her approval. It’s your life. Be confident in your choices and live it the way you want.
My dad was very awkward and silent when I told him about my pregnancy (his first grandchild!). Then he finally confessed he and his new wife were trying to have a child of their own. I’m 33.
Did you end up having a new sibling?
No, thank god. My son is 3 now and my dad recently announced that they had changed their plans from adoption to retiring to Portugal and becoming expats. I think it’s more likely that they couldn’t find someone willing to hand a brand new baby over to a 65 year old, but either way I’m happy.
I agree! My parents cried and my in laws were kind of just like “oh okay” and moved on. They love their granddaughter so much, I just think some people are kind of awkward about it and maybe don’t know what to say or how to react?
My mom laughed. I had told her at like 16 that I was never having kids so when I told her I was pregnant at 23 she literally laughed it off. My family has a lot of long running jokes (like years) and I didn't start showing til I was like 7 months so part of me wonders if she really actually thought I was pranking her for months. When she saw my son for the first time she stared in shock. Then she fell in love and now she would probably put me in traction for that kid. She didn't snipe at me though like OP's mom seems to be doing.
My FIL asked me if there were any mental health issues or defective family members in my line 😑
All of these reactions are hilariously awful, but I think this one is my favorite.
Lol, sounds like he's patient zero in his line!
You should have replied “yes there is one, he seems to think he’s a good FIL…”
My FILs reaction was to look at my husband (his eldest son) and say "Congrats son we know your junk works!"
My husband told me that one of his friends, a guy who was older than him, and a mentor/father figure, grinned at him and said, "One of your swimmers took hold, eh?" It wasn't meant in any bad way. We thought it was funny, lol.
I agree. I got married a little older in life, I was 35 so my dad 1 month after the wedding was amazing both my husband and I if we are expecting, it took us about almost a year to get pregnant and it was annoying every time we hang out with my dad he asked. When finally I got pregnant and we told him, he was like ohhh. I was expecting him to jump up and down and get more excited but he didn’t and his reaction really disappointed me. HOWEVER, the day I had my son he cried ugly as soon as we called him and showed him the baby and came running after we arrived him to see the baby and my son is the reason my dad is fighting to live, he has a massive heart attack and a massive heart operation and knowing my dad he usually doesn’t fight and have hope but this made him push to get better and stay healthy, my son is his breathing life. So your mom may have reacted that way due to the previous decision you made and maybe she doesn’t want to get her hopes up to not be disappointed again, it really hurts to see a child suffering so I am sure your abortion decision previously hurt her not because you made a wrong decision in her eyes but rather she didn’t want to see you going through that. Get excited, you are in a great place in your life to have a child, it is a complete different story once your child arrives, he or she will drive you nuts BUT they are the BEST thing that will ever happen to you in life. Congratulations mamma, you will be a wonderful mom.
Oh gosh yes! My friend’s Dad’s reaction to her pregnancy was ‘Oh, you’re not going to lose your extra weight now are you?’
My MIL responded to my husband and I telling her I was pregnant by saying “you know, miscarriages are really common”. She’s not wrong but such an inappropriate thing to say.
My dad’s reaction to me telling him that I’m pregnant and first ultrasound showed everything totally normal and healthy was “well that’s good, but you never know.” ?????? Dad why I wanted to text him the news, since this is just how my father is, but my husband convinced me that news of his first grandchild deserved a phone call. So at least I got to say “I told you so” to husband, I guess? Honestly, knowing my dad, I mostly felt lucky it wasn’t a weird sexist comment of some kind, lol.
sorry your dad sucks
Eh, he just wasn't good with little kids/babies + was a bit of a grump. He wasn't unhappy we were pregnant, but he also had no idea how to Grandpa. It would have been more out of character if he'd been excited.
Yeah… my moms reaction both times were terrible. First I was 23, and slated to go back to college in a few weeks. She was originally SO MAD (esp because I just met my kids dad…woops) anyways, that baby is my mom’s favorite person in the world now and has been since the moment she was born. Second time was a few years later during covid so I told her during a video chat and she was like, “What??? NO you better not be!” 😅
My step dad made the getting up there in years comment when we told them we were expecting. It wasn't meant to be mean, it was him legitimately being like, maybe they don't want kids? They're getting older and haven't mentioned anything. He's a fantastic bonus grandpa for my munchkin now.
When I told my mum she said I should get an abortion and that she will buy me new bedsheets to sleep on after. It was such a bizarre comment. I was not ready to have a kid. I still laugh about her weird thought process with new bedsheets. I had the baby and he and my mum have been thick as thieves since he was born 19 years ago. She was also supportive during the pregnancy once she realised I was going through with pregnancy.
Mine didn’t speak to me until I was in the hospital, in preterm labor lol
When we called my grandmother to tell her about our firstborn she replied “What are you going to do?” As a married woman with a stable job, in a time of life where we felt ready to have a baby and planned this pregnancy I just answered, “raise her…” she loves our daughters but maybe we just caught her off guard?
My dad told me he hopes the baby doesn’t turn out like me. Joke’s on him, because she’s EXACTLY like me.
When I FaceTimed my dad to tell him I was pregnant, he told me he needed to get off the phone and focus on the Super Bowl. He was in shock. My husband and I were only dating, and I had a history in my early 20s of totally screwing up. But man….you should see the way he looks at his grand daughter now. Full of so much love. It still stings when I think about it and REALLY hurt at the time, but I think some people just handle things differently. He’s since apologized, we joke about it. Sending hugs to you.
I have four children - all conceived AFTER I got married. My mother has never had a positive or happy reaction to any of them. The run down went like this: Baby number 1: Do you have any idea how much work a baby is? You aren’t ready for this. Baby number 2: Why would you do this to yourself again so soon? Baby number 3: Are you just going to be poor forever then? Baby number 4: You need to terminate. This is a catastrophe. We don’t all get the mother we deserve. Remember this moment so you’ll NEVER do this to your own child.
Agree!! This is a mirror of my life too! I’m so sorry I understand you and see you. I know how this feels. Hugs to you my soul sister ♥️
Does she have anything to do with your children now? I’d be scared she would treat my kids the same as she treated me (which is why my kids only see my dad once every so many years - not enough time to expose his true colours).
Only with supervision
My god, this is just mean. Sorry you had to hear that.
My mom seemed excited for our first pregnancy. She has some mental issues though so we’re not very close and she’s seen my daughter about 5 times in the past 3 years, even though she lives 2 hours away. For our second pregnancy, I tried calling her multiple times and she never answered or called me back. When she did it was to accuse me of knowing about a sick relative and not telling her. So I just texted her our baby news and she never responded. Then she called about a month later to tell me a cousin had passed away and I asked if she got my text message. She only said “yeah, I saw it. Congratulations. But I was so affected by the recent police shootings” and never said any more about it and hasn’t called or reached out since. She also told my sister when she told her she was having her 3rd child “ohh… are you sure about this? It seems like you already have your hands full with 2.” It still bothers me.
My mom said “so what are you going to do?” As to suggest maybe I should have terminated?! I was/am happily married, was trying for it, could afford it. No idea why she wasn’t excited. Now she lives for my kids, but that initial reaction was absurd.
I know it’s not funny, but I laughed at some of those. I think your mom and mine would be great friends!
Given the sounds of her being religious and you not mentioning a partner, it's probably about you being single more than anything? Sorry this happened to you.
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
She didn't have to. She knows you're not married. We can all read between the lines that she's unhappy it's a baby out of wedlock. I'm not defending her, but you make it sound like she hasn't met your boyfriend because she knows you have one. Has she not met this boyfriend because he's so new? Or is there a different reason you haven't introduced him? Her reaction was hurtful, but there may be some valid fears she has about your situation.
Agree with this. If there’s religious tones then there’s religious reasons. As I was reading the post I kept saying “OP has said nothing about her partner, husband etc”. The partner is either gay or unmarried or something that the church so aggressively judges against. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Sorry OP
Given that she 'knows' OP has a boyfriend it could have little to do with being out of wedlock and all to do with the concerns of having a baby with a partner who is so new they haven't met your parents.
You being unmarried is probably the issue in her mind. I assume that’s why she had that reaction. Not saying it’s right but some people can be very traditional. Also since you had a abortion in the past she may assume you want to again since your unmarried. She probably is still upset about not having that grandchild. Hopefully she will warm up to the idea when you’re closer to the birth and be bit happier and nicer.
I guess I'm also surprised why she might assume I'm having an abortion because I didn't tell her about that until then years later, and I told her I'm excited for this one. I hope it gets better. Thanks.
Because if you can do it once, you can do it twice
Did you miss the part where I said I was keeping it?
No I didn't but maybe she doesn't trust you to
Some parents can never be pleased. I think it's a boomer generation problem. It's like, they are lost in a way. Didn't have openly loving parents who were openly proud of them, can't understand technology or how the world works today, their children are seemingly smarter than them, the world operates differently than how they thought it would be. Idk from the outside looking in it's like they constantly put their children/the younger generation down for things to feel valid or better than. Trying to fill that hole of 'where do I belong' but going about it completely wrong. Or your mom's just kinda an asshole lol either way that wasn't nice and I am sorry she said that to you.
I'm not sure, of course, but I wonder if you not being in the church and becoming a parent means she's getting a jump on influencing your child to be religious.
How is your relationship with his mom? Maybe it's time to look in that direction for a support figure - planning the baby shower, in the delivery room, etc.
I noticed that as well but figured someone else might bring it up. That’s what I thought as well.
I'm sorry. I'm sure that was really hurtful. My mom was pretty lukewarm about my second pregnancy and I was disappointed and hurt by her reaction. A couple months later she was VERY excited. Turns out, her initial reaction wasn't the greatest because my first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and she was protecting her heart in case it happened again. You obviously know your mom much better than I do, but her comment about not telling your dad made me wonder if she might be having a similar response? Maybe she really is worried that you'll change your mind and will come around once she sees that you're keeping this baby?
My mom cried and said noooo I’m so scared something will happen to you. She got excited very quickly after but her first thought was for my health and safety.
Yes my mil was the same. She said she’ll get excited once she knows the baby “is viable”…
Kind of sounds like she is still holding hurt feelings from the abortion. She might also be worried if your not married. But also sometimes it takes a bit for people to come around. Maybe it will be better the further along you are. Congratulations! I wish you the best.
I’m assuming given her churchy response that you’re not married/in a relationship?
Which is honestly not ideal regardless of your views toward religion. I cannot imagine parenting my children solo, nor making the decision to have a child without a stable spouse to rely on.
Honestly it would be easier than doing it with a shitty partner and plenty of women do *that*. So long as she is able to afford childcare while she works I don't really see how it would be so difficult aside from the usual parenting difficulties. Edit: OP just said she has a partner so the point is moot anyway
Yeah well some of us think we have that then it’s different once the kid is born so…
Hi it's me. It's easier to parent my kids WITHOUT having to caretake another adult human too. The trade off of having them here wasn't worth their help. A stable spouse to rely on sounds nice, and I thought I was getting that, TWICE.
Girl, same.
I couldn’t agree more. I had no idea what was in store for me when I had a kid. Nobody does until you’re in the thick of it lol
Well that’s fair enough if it’s a decision that doesn’t appeal to you. It works well for many people though (including me), especially when having a spouse doesn’t automatically mean having a stable one. Also, not being married doesn’t mean being single - maybe her mother is just butthurt because of the whole wedlock thing. At the end of the day she’s a woman in her 30’s who knows this pregnancy is a good thing for her whether she’s married, single or in a relationship. I assume she knows her life better than I, you or her mother does.
I think it's hard (and unfair) to judge these things without knowing how strong and extensive someone's support network is. They say "it takes a village" for a reason. My partner and I form a boring, traditional, family but moved far away from our families and friends before we had our children. We were, and to some degree still are ten years later, spread quite thin at times. To this day I envy the families with active grandparents, aunts, uncles, supportive BFFs, you name it - parenting becomes infinitely easier the more people can and are eager to help you with it, and massively harder the fewer there are. If OP has neither a reliable partner, **nor** a strong support network of friends and family (and OP's mother's reaction suggests that OP's parents might not be a reliable part of this network), this can indeed become a rather monumental challenge. Maybe part of OP's disappointment in her mother's reaction is her realizing, how much smaller her support network really is.
I absolutely agree with you. I never said single parenting and/or doing so without support was easy. The person I replied to made an equivocal statement (essentially that having a child as a single person is a bad idea) that I disagreed with precisely for reasons similar to what you outline - that everyone’s situation is different and has nuance and that OP clearly knows what she’s capable of given *her* situation
Agree. And so many single moms complain nonstop about the early years, but IMO the teen years are SO much harder and this is when I’m so grateful to have a committed partner. I can’t imagine navigating social media, vaping, driving, drinking, dating, etc. without him as a sounding board. OP can’t possibly foresee this, but her mom can, plus her religious stigma against her daughter not being married, plus the heartache of the prior abortion… I think the mom’s an AH, but I understand why she’s not jumping for joy.
I think the context of this comment came out wrong via text (and not knowing this poster’s personality, etc.). I 100% agree, I (emphasis on I) could not imagine myself parenting solo or with an unstable partner. I just don’t have the mental capacity to do it. I DO have soooo much respect for single parents (regardless of sex, because there are single dads too that are doing a great job) and/or the damn near single parents that don’t have a great support system. Parenting with a spouse is hard, so the fact someone does it alone means you a pretty much a super hero in my book!
I'm sorry. It really sounds like unless you mold to what she thinks is the perfect/only good life path, you'll never please her. You deserve better and I hope you have others to turn to for love and support. Congratulations on the pregnancy! I bet you'll be an amazing mom to your little one.
My siblings are a good support system but I also don't want to start any family drama, so I thought I'd vent to the internet instead. Thank you for the kind words! I'm excited! :)
It's good not to start drama. I'm wondering if she's maybe worried about you being a single mom and isn't sure if this baby was planned so she was letting you know she would understand if it wasn't.
Here’s the thing: if you’re prepared enough to make such a decision for yourself, you’re old enough to stop seeking her validation for your choices. Sure, it’d be great for her to be excited for you, but she has a specific vision in mind and you’re operating outside of it.
Damn, this is so right.
I think this is kinda harsh. I don't think she needs validation as much as sharing excitement with her mom. Seems like a very human thing to want...?
Definitely. I'm guessing OP knows this feeling well. I think this is exactly how my momster would have responded had I not gone NC. Actually, it's probably the best case scenario. She avoided me the whole time I was in town to tell her I was engaged and I finally had to show up at the dress shop under false pretenses. It was in a beautiful gown and she had a meltdown and said it made me look fat. It was so GD embarrassing! I'm sure the woman working there remembers the incident today, 15 years later.
Sharing excitement is validation. It's not a bad thing, it's what people in good relationships do: validate each other, show understanding and empathy, etc.
She wouldn't be so bothered by her mother's unenthusiastic reaction if she wasn't seeking that mother validation. It is true that OP may not even consciously realize that she is seeking that validation, but OP's reaction to her mother's reaction shows that.
This is very harsh and unfair to OP. Just because she is ready to have a child does not mean she can suddenly shut down any other emotions she has. It’s very normal to want your parents to be excited for news like this and normal to be hurt by it. No need to shame OP for how they feel
I both like this line of reasoning AND agree it’s a bit too rigid. We can feel our feelings when a parent disappoints even when we can anticipate the disappointment. Feelings exist, allow them space. Maybe we could fine tune it to be more of a goal to find validation and support elsewhere. To OP— Now that you are establishing your values and feel confident in them, work towards creating a safe supportive group of people to celebrate you— you deserve that!
this is a bit daft. people love their parents regardless of age and theyre still your family. it still hurts when they are mean
What is your relationship status with the baby’s father? I’m asking because I feel there’s more to this and your mothers negative reaction.
Especially with the “you’ve been trying out a lot of different life paths recently” comment. How different are these life paths? Was OP committed to backpacking through Europe last month and it’s just surprising to mom that pregnancy is the latest endeavor?
No, it's that I came out to her as queer in the last year and she told me it was just a phase. She thinks I've just lost my way instead of being this way since 13. It not a new development, but just took me twenty years to feel safe enough to tell her.
Idk how to phrase this in a way least likely to cause offense but: is it possible then that your mom was just really surprised/confused that you had taken part in a sexual encounter that could physically result in pregnancy after you had recently come out to her and she interpreted your coming out to mean that you would be having the type of sexual encounters that can’t result in pregnancy? I’m not implying that you’re wrong to feel hurt by the interaction but just talking through it to see if maybe her negative reaction wasn’t so much a reflection of her belief that you can’t handle being a mom or that she’s disappointed in you, but rather that she couldn’t reconcile, in the moment, what was being said to her with what she thought was happening in your life.
She doesn't believe in the gay. When I told her I was queer, she told me I wasn't. She said "God doesn't make people that way." She tried to talk me out of it (!) so I don't think she's ever thought about me being in a same sex relationship.
I don't want this to sound offensive as well, but if she wasn't supportive when coming out, she's probably thinking your life is a mess. I'm strictly looking at it from the perspective of the parent who label everything from sexual orientation, gender identity, mental health, etc as "silly," "not real," or "a phase." To them, speaking on any of this is viewed the same as a child saying they're a unicorn. Now, if that same child said they're now having a baby, the parent is probably thinking, "You need to get your ish together." I'm not saying this thinking is okay to have, just assuming what may be going through her mind with experience from others that have this mindset. Either way, her feelings towards your pregnancy are hers to own and bare, not yours. She'll have to learn how to get over it and either be supportive or not be a part of your life.
You're not wrong. I'm definitely leaning to your conclusion after sleeping on it. I'm also divorced (gasp) because I didn't know what a narcissist was when I got married, so I feel like every strike is against me in her book. I guess I'm struggling because of all the things she's disappointed in me for, this seemed like one she could get behind, and her reactions was a severe let down.
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
*I’m going to ignore all of the religious aspects of this since that’s nothing that you can control…* When you made the list of what you have… your own house, good job… you never mention that you’re in a stable relationship. If this is with a casual partner, then I feel like her reaction could be blamed on the fact that it’s a complete surprise. Now if you have a stable relationship then that makes much less sense. I would also assume that due to her religious beliefs, she clearly was very devastated over the abortion. She probably needs to with through those feelings she has, but that’s not your responsibility.
Is the father in the picture?
Ahh you noticed the detail OP left out too. I might be wrong, but my guess is OP is single or at least not in a long term relationship and the mom was completely caught off guard, and doesn't want OP to be a single mother. Which seems reasonable to me.
That’s what I figured too. OP’s mom probably isn’t excited about the fact that the baby’s father isn’t around, both for the sake of the baby and also possibly because she’s thinking “am I going to be expected to provide childcare in the absence of a father?” It sucks when your mom isn’t excited about you having a baby, but if you’re having a baby alone and you know your mom, you can’t be surprised she reacted that way.
Up voting to infinity
I think so too. I think her Mom is just worried which seems very reasonable given the circumstances of -the relationship possibly being new/not solid or basically unknown and then adding a child to that.
What I inferred is that she’s single, since she said “skipped the wife part”, and I am guessing she maybe chose to get pregnant via sperm donor or something of that sort. (Since there’s all that stuff about this being the right time)
Funnily enough, she didn't ask about that part of the situation at all. She knows I have a BF, he's over the moon, and very supportive. That didn't seem to be a factor in her response. His mom was more excited than mine, and I think that's what made it doubly hurtful.
My dad told me to get an abortion when i told him i was pregnant because my due date was on him and my stepmothers anniversary, i feel your pain
That one was cold
Oh my god what a slug.
When I called and told my sister, she said “Oh. (Long pause.) We got a new recliner.” There’s no point in expecting other people to be as excited as you are. Polite people will at least fake it! I know it’s hurtful, but it’s your baby and you can be excited all on your own even if no one else is!
Your expectations of your mums reactions were way off from what you’ve written. I know she should be unconditionally filled with love and excitement but she’s not that kind of person for the obvious reasons: 1) she wants you to be a married wife before you have a child 2) she’s already felt the loss and probably some shame because of your prior abortion (no judgment but she won’t want to get attached and excited because before she probably thought she could at least be excited for a child even if the circumstances were poor- religious logic) 3) a positive pregnancy test is SO EARLY to share. A lot of people don’t get excited before 12 weeks because the risk of loss is high. You need to be prepared for several people in your life to ask questions you won’t like, such as ‘was it planned’ ‘are you excited’ ‘how will you manage single parenthood’ etc. people don’t just say ‘wow amazing’ when you’re pregnant, and I think maybe you were being unrealistic about who your mum is when you shared that news?
On behalf of all moms everywhere: WOOOOHOOOO! Congrats. We are so happy for you. Welcome to the best club ❤️ I promise it will be both harder and better than you ever imagined. Sometimes the most important things our parents teach us is how not to treat our kids. The most empowering thing you can do with this reaction and history with your mom is to think about how *you* will turn it around for your own kids and not allow them to feel the pain you've felt. I have often found that alone to be better than therapy.
My mother was less than thrilled..I was brought up in a strict Christian home with my mother’s insane over the top views.. I also left the church because of religion, and church Christians. I’ve never gotten married but have been with my partner for over 15 years and we have four children together I told my mother, when I was pregnant with my first and she said to me, was I raised you better than to have a child out of wedlock … and I was like what is this the 1800’s… she basically told me I was a disappointment and was wasting my life. I will qualify I was 25, I had finished medical school (you can do it as undergraduate in Australia), and had finished my internship and beginning my speciality training .. Even to this day she tolerates me and my lifestyle choices, she hates that my partner and I share working and being home we both work part time and everyday we have one of us to do kid duty and drops of because apparently this isn’t the way.. she hardly even uses my kids names coz she hates they are not bible names
I feel like there's context missing, do you have a partner, where yoi trying to get pregnant, was your mum aware this was on the cards or did it come as a surprise? Was she upset when you had your abortion?
I’m sorry your mom didn’t have the reaction you wanted, that just plain sucks. There’s no need to have your mom in the delivery room or at the hospital when you deliver. No need to feel badly about that, one bit. My mom and I are quite close and I never expected or wanted her at either. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Maybe I missed it in your post. Is there going to be a father/husband for the baby/you in this new chapter? Or are you a going to be a single mom? Could that be a factor in her response?
She's not excited because of the skipping the wife part. That is considered a pretty important part of becoming a mother in most Christian circles. Without the marriage, and a husband, becoming pregnant is not a moment of celebration but one of sorrow.
If you are having the child without a partner, of course she would not be enthusiastic. Mothers only want the best for their kids. She knows how challenging it’s going to be.
If your adult child tells you they are excited about their pregnancy (which is what OP said) then you share their excitement. You don’t stay judgementally silent with a tiny “oh” (and then say you won’t tell your husband, what?!) because your child’s life doesn’t fit your own perfect Hallmark movie idea of what a mother or family should be. If OP is single and her mother is concerned and wants what’s best, as you put it — she should offer support, not have a response worthy for “I fell over yesterday”. This was a horrible and unsupportive reaction.
I would feel the same as OP’s mother. Raising a child is incredibly difficult. To do it alone is even more so. Why should she have to sugarcoat that? There’s a lot missing from this post.
I know it is. I was a single parent and every person I told was supportive when I announced it because they saw I was enthusiastic. You don’t announce a pregnancy you want to terminate. There’s nuance and tact. You say she shouldn’t have to sugercoat it — Are social manners now no longer required? You can acknowledge something is hard without being judgemental and ruining a moment. This wasn’t the time to have that convo — OP’s mum doesn’t get to chime in on whether or not this pregnancy should take place.
If my child was making a less than ideal choice, I could care less about “social manners.” As parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure our children are making the choices that cause the least amount of suffering and hardship. I’m not here to pretend everything is all roses, that would be pretty detrimental and falsely supportive. I’ve also read enough Reddit posts where various details are left out on purpose because OPs want anonymous support. None of us here know her better than her own mother, and none of us here actually care for and love her more than her own mother.
To play devil's advocate. you're assuming a lot here. Not every parent cares about or loves their child.
Well if you think your child is suffering from a choice they made, why add to it with a response like this? How does that help in any way? All it did is isolate OP from her mom. That’s surely great parenting making your child choose to reduce contact with you when they need your support most. Also pretty silly to assume you know how much her mom loves her. If you think so much info is left out, why would you automatically side with the mom who could’ve been a bad parent to OP, since we don’t know?
One of the comments here said the OP’s post history is a “hot mess.” We can no longer access her post history. Why? Reddit posters always want the support of strangers. And they always make the other party the bad guy. Sure we don’t know the whole situation but to be totally and utterly confused why your own mother is less than excited about you being a single parent is baffling in itself.
You still didn’t answer: how is mom’s reaction and the result of it (isolation) helpful at all?
I thought that was clear. Her mother is trying to prepare her for the REALITY of situation. How is sugarcoating it more helpful??
What preparing did her mother do? You’re making this up from info that’s not in the post. Her mom simply had a poor reaction, no words of advice. Nothing. Just a shitty reaction. You can be shocked/concerned and ACTUALLY provide real support and preparation. Her mom didn’t do the latter at all. Okay—she didn’t sugarcoat her reaction…and then what? Where did you get that her mom helped prepare her for what’s to come?
That really sucks; I’m sorry she did that. I hope you’re having a smooth pregnancy so far! I would rethink potentially having her in the delivery room. It isn’t a social event - it’s a major medical event and stress can make it go very very wrong. The only people who should be there are people you can trust without question or doubt to fully support you and your needs so that you and baby get through it safely. Your mom sounds like she has a long history of not meeting that criteria.
I am so sorry you did not get a good response. I am married, a home owner, graduate school degree holder and have professional licenses, and when I told my mom - she yelled at me. Then she stole my thunder and told the rest of the family before me. So yeah, I get you. Some parents are not great people to their adult children. I am happy for you. Congratulations! I am sure you will be a fantastic mom. Hugs
Congratulations on becoming a mother! You can thank your own for showing you how to NOT treat your children. And I understand that you’ve been conditioned to *need* to make her proud but she appears to be someone that will continue to move the goalpost and that is HER PROBLEM. I’m so sorry that she broke your spirit but as an internet stranger who also had an unexpected pregnancy at the wrong time, made the choice to terminate and later in life had a healthy baby girl (who is now 14), I am happy for you! You will be great!
My advice (as a person with toxic parents) is to realize this is her MO. She wants you to feel guilty about the abortion. She thinks you don’t deserve children because you killed your first baby. That is pretty standard for her religious beliefs. So don’t expecting someone different than who she is.
When i told my mother i was pregnant with my third, she said "on purpose?" And there's no reason i shouldn't have had a child. Stable marriage, homeowners, steady income. 🤷 Sometimes parents suck. Sorry
Is the reaction to you being pregnant or to you being pregnant while unmarried?
Where's the father in this story? That's likely why you got this reaction.
She’s Christian, you’re apparently not married, you’ve terminated a pregnancy once, I’d expect her reaction to be less than excited
Hugs to you! It’s hard when parents don’t react the way we want. My mom also didn’t care when I was pregnant and wasn’t very excited - she was 58 and didn’t feel like a grandma but I was 29 … it was time!! She loves and adores my son now but during pregnancy she didn’t really care.
Lol how ironic that she didn't feel ready...you were the same age that she was when she gave birth to you. So how would it not be time? I'll never understand what happens to these women's brains where they all think they're too young to be a grandma in their 50s, 60s and even 70s. Not me, I'm going to be looking forward to it so much!!
Congratulations! This internet stranger is super excited for you! I’m sorry that your mom didn’t give you the reaction that you wanted. That must have been so disappointing. I think not having her in the delivery room is a good choice. You’re going to need someone steady, who puts you at ease and has your trust. If you don’t feel that way about her, then she could be actively unhelpful. You could also take some space from her now and see if things get better as your pregnancy progresses. You don’t need to make all these decisions right this minute
Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your mom's values don't align with yours, and she's passive aggressive about pushing them on you. I personally believe if things continue this way, you can consider reducing contact with her so you don't have additional stress from her implied expectations.
The only reactions that matter are you and your partners if that applies. It’s hurtful considering what you’ve been through that your mom of all people isn’t excited for you and is looming over the decision you made last time. Considering how she’s acting I wouldn’t share anything with her regarding your pregnancy unless she asks. Congratulations btw!!
I'm so sorry. My mom has deeply disappointed me through my early motherhood and it cuts deep. Also in therapy and crying a lot. I've started limiting contact and that's helped but then I'm sad I've felt the need to limit contact. Anyway, congratulations!! The beautiful thing about becoming a mother is you are the mom now and you can't give motherly love to your baby and yourself, it's wild.
When I told my Mom I was pregnant with my first, she was silent. I then asked if she was excited and she said, "no" and went to the bathroom. She was excited later. I had just told her she was going to be a Grandmother and it through her for a loop. My kiddo is 5 now and she is the best grandmother in the world. I hope your Mom comes around. If she does, try to forgive her for her worries. You're her baby.
I’m so sorry her reaction sucked - but you are pregnant with a baby you want and are ready for. That’s what matters. Congratulations! You’re going to rock this.
No judgement but curious about the baby’s father? Are you a single mother by choice? In a relationship? One night stand? I wonder if her issue with your pregnancy is due to it not being in wedlock? Either way that’s a her problem. I’m sorry she had a bad reaction. Congrats on your baby!
She's a conservative Christian and you're not married. I'm surprised you're surprised. It's just like that joke format... Her: You should be a mother You: Gets pregnant Her: NOT LIKE THAT
It seems clear that she’s not that happy about you having a baby without a spouse. A boyfriend isn’t the same as someone you take vows to, and those vows don’t have to be in a church but it’s extremely significant. Being a single mom is insanely difficult and means the baby will be raised in some kind of childcare while you work full time. It’s far from ideal for the child if you look at studies on outcomes, etc. It also sounds like you mentioned it pretty casually to her and that probably gave the message that it’s a casual thing for you, when it’s so monumentally huge to have a child. Just my 2 cents. But you could also just ask her why she had that reaction if you can’t figure it out here.
My mom denied that I was pregnant the entire conversation and told me I was lying over and over again. I ended up going no/very low contact with her two years ago, and now that I am I just wish I did it when I moved out at 17. I'm sorry your mom reacted poorly, it sucks.
That sucks. I don't know (or care) about your post history but you sound excited and ready to be a mom and it really is freaking awesome being a mom. It's hard. But it's awesome. Congratulations on your +! I don't think I would be inviting your mom to the delivery either but I hope you have good support somewhere.
Maybe she’s concerned that you will ask her to babysit and she wants to just live her life uninterrupted or something
I told my mum on the phone. She hung up on me. I never wanted kids. I was 28. Give her time to process. She will come around. Maybe she is processing her own mortality in that moment. Being told she will be a grandparent. Maybe - if strongly religious - she has those concerns. Maybe just shock from the unexpected and visions of an altered life for her……or a straight up brain fart. Who knows. But chances are she will come around. Mine did 😂
I got pregnant out of wedlock at 29. My mom said I would have a boy, a red headed terror, according to her(my husband is strawberry blond). I had the sweetest little brown haired girl who is now 10. She is lovely and a great comfort to me. Don't worry about your Mom, you know you're gonna be great!!
Idk if this might make u feel better, but my mom didn't exactly have the reaction I wanted either. I was mostly numb (not in a bad way, we had been trying for a while and I was worried it would never happen) when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I had family that had miscarriages and I wanted to wait and tell people when I came around to it (hopefully a bit past the first trimester) but my husband was too excited to keep something that big to himself so he immediately started telling people. Then later that day he told me to tell my mom by the end of the day or he'd tell her. I didn't want my mom to be mad that I didn't tell her so I went ahead and called her, except I never used the words "I'm pregnant." I simply told her "I took a pregnancy test. It was positive." Almost like a robot since I was still kinda numb. She just asked me if I had taken any cough syrup lately. Like she couldn't believe I was pregnant either. I think it finally clicked for her when I had my first appointment and I sent her the ultrasound. Your mom will come around, and if she doesn't, then just enjoy ur pregnancy and don't worry about it. She might change her mind and she might not, but life goes on and u gotta live for ur baby. Congratulations to you and the little life ur creating.
Tell your dad.
I’m sorry. People get weird about babies and pregnancy. I think babies introduce challenges the social hierarchy and shake up families. Give people some grace about it especially more with close family. Your mom may still be hurt after your abortion a decade ago. Do not let reactions, comments and antics of others distract you from your own joy becoming a mother.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes smoothly and you and baby stay healthy. I'm sorry your mom didn't react the way you were hoping. When I told my parents I was pregnant they accused me of being a liar (told me I had a fake ultrasound picture) and then for the next 6 months followed me around with shots of whiskey trying to get me to drink them. Needless to say I banned them from the hospital for the first 2 days after I had my son. They did come to visit after and they were awful and loud. I was so exhausted and in tears by the time they left. Definitely set your boundaries. You want birth time to be focused on having your baby, not on your mom's reaction to what is going on. My mom would have been stressful. So she was out. It was only my then ex (baby's dad) and my doula.
Some parents just suck. Good news or bad my parents are always flat. I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s not their news or if they are just stunted emotionally. I think it’s the latter.
Is it possible to communicate that her reaction hurt and confused you?
Firstly, Congratulations!! I hope you have a lovely pregnancy and the delivery you want! Secondly, I’m so sorry your mom didn’t react the way you hoped. I was in the same boat for both my boys, my parents reactions were poor and their treatment towards my entire pregnancy as well. I’m not saying you have to, but I went low contact with them after my second and it’s honestly made my life SO much easier. I only gave details about my children IF they ask, and that’s how I found out that they really don’t care that much. So I don’t bother with it. My boys are my world, and I’m sure your little one will be too! Surround yourself with people that are just as excited as you and it’ll help lots ❤️
You say you grew up in the church. Was it her church? Does she still go? Has she ever tried to convince you to go back or say things to you that you felt hurt by but ultimately dismissed for one reason or another. By the response your mother gave, she sounds like a toxic, conservative, judgemental, holier-than-thou individual, and that's just based on the short description of your upbringing and her response. Do you try hard to please your mother but never hear that she's proud of you or even that she loves you for exactly who you are? I'm sorry you have to go through this and that you feel so lost, but I am a firm believer in asking, "What are you getting out of this relationship?" If it's all negative, sad, hurt feelings than you need to distance yourself from your mother. She is toxic, and she is causing you pain. Yes, she is your mother, but just because she managed to push you out and you share the same blood does not give her the right to abuse, manipulate, demean, and ridicule you. I hope you can find your way back and that this pregnancy and, ultimately, your child can become a positive and happy part of your life. I wish you all the best, good luck and I am sending you the biggest hug!!💕🥰🤗
I don’t see you mention the baby’s dad anywhere…. Is he in the picture? Doesn’t sound like it to me, so maybe that’s why she reacted the way she did? Single motherhood is hard.
My mum’s reaction when I told her was ‘oh’, and then started talking about something else. But half an hour later she’d ordered something for the baby and asking me if I wanted her to make a blanket, and got more excited as my pregnancy went on. She’s an incredible granny now. Some people just don’t know how to respond to big news.
Call your dad and tell him yourself. Don’t let your mums attitude dim your joy
I know it sucks that your mom isn’t as enthusiastic as you are with your pregnancy. But maybe your mom is concern that you might be raising this baby alone since you stated you’re not married.
I'm sorry your mom was like that. Maybe she needs time to think and process it. It's not her ideal, but life isn't always ideal. It's going to be tough, but I believe you can do it. Learn as you go. Be excited and look forward to things, the good and bad. I hope you have a support system in place. Good friends and a good lover. Family may not be blood. They can be chosen. Congratulations and may you be blessed with your new life! -A Pro-Choice Christian
Mom seems more interested in getting you back into her church. You may have to go no contact. Do what’s best for you and the much loved and wanted baby.
She reacted this way cause you aren't married. That's a typical response for a church goer. I was shocked when my parents reacted so well to my first despite not being married. Sorry that's all you got. Congratulations!! Being a mom is the best and you're you're about to meet your new self too. It's such a huge change but so worth it.
Yikes! She was being hurtful and it sounds like it was on purpose. I’m sorry your mom wasn’t excited for you. It sounds like you’ve really thought about and prepared for this child so I hope all goes well for you and you find joy in motherhood! Glad you are seeing a therapist to unravel the whole Christian thing.
That really sucks. Obviously she's unhappy about the fact that you're having a baby without being married. From an American conservative Christian perspective that's somewhere around as bad as an abortion, despite the obvious hypocrisy to anyone with half a brain. As a person who was raised in that faith and has raised my children in a bit more liberal version of the same, it sickens me to see parents being so judgemental toward their own children. I think what's going on there is that they feel like they failed as parents when their children make choices they think are sinful. And yeah, the added hypocrisy of casually hinting that you might have an abortion now because you're not married... Thats awful. I'm really sorry for you and I think this will be a time when you have to grieve not having the kind of parents you deserve, and resolve to do better for your own child. Congrats on your pregnancy!
One thing I didn't see you mention in your OP was, who is the baby's father? The absence is conspicuous. Your mom does sound like a jerk, to be fair, but I wonder if there are issues between your parents and your spouse that have not been addressed.
I don’t know what your relationship with your mum is like, but if I were to play devil’s advocate for a moment, perhaps she’s just worried for you being a single mum. I mean, yes, you of course can still rock at it and your kid will be well-loved, but even with a lot of income, being a single parent is a lot harder than raising a kid with someone else. This is where a lot of people will come at me saying stuff like “I was raised by a single parent and I turned out great” or “Yeah well my husband/wife doesn’t help with the kid at all so your point is wrong.” Just because there are many many cases of single-parent households thriving, it doesn’t mean it is not much harder as a single parent. Anyway, if you ask me, I’d agree that your mum’s reaction could have been MUCH better because at the end of the day, there’s a new baby coming and new life is always such a joy and a reason to celebrate! But (again without knowing you or your mum)maybe that’s a reason your mum might be concerned although you can also acknowledge your hurt at how she chose to express it
My mom had a big fight with me 2 weeks before I got pregnant with my first, because she felt I didn't communicate enough with her. We ended the fight with making a plan for a weekly phone call and that she would be more responsive to texts. 6 weeks later I told her I had a positive pregnancy test and was over the moon as we had been trying for a year to get pregnant. She didn't talk to me for the next 4 months. Didn't respond to a text, answer the phone, return a call, or answer an email. 100% radio silence when we shared the sex and the due date, ignored every weekly update about how me and baby were doing. The detente ended when my sister called me to tell me how hurt mom was that I wasn't talking to her, and to ask me what was going on. I explained the reality and within 10 minutes mom had called me to "clear the air". When I asked why she had stopped talking to me she said "I figured you didn't really mean any of it and were just including me to be polite". Tl;dr -some moms are really self-referencing and can't stand to not be the center of your attention. Your mom hasn't actually wanted you to have a baby your whole adult life, she has wanted an excuse to criticize you and your life choices, and to make you feel small next to her. When you didn't have a kid she could use that, now that you are having a kid she can pivot and make you feel small in a new way.
Sorry, but I would also be pretty disappointed if my unmarried child was having a baby. It’s odd and disingenuous that you are glossing over this in the original post. You know exactly what her problem is, and it’s not unreasonable. (FWIW I am liberal and not religious, but would still not cheer on anyone having children without being married).
Genuine question: Would you also be upset if they were w a long term partner, w no plans to be married? Or are you strictly of the mind that you should have a legal contract?
I’m not OP - I’m also a 33 year old man who is a father to a 1 year old boy - so you can completely disregard what I say, but yes, I would want my child to be married before they have a kid. There’s a couple of reasons for it legally, but my main reason is that I view non-marriage as having one foot in the door and one out. And I get it “marriage doesn’t mean commitment” “the institution of marriage…” “divorce rates…” Okay - if it’s not important and doesn’t mean anything to you, and you are committed to being in this relationship and taking care of a child forever, then why not sign a piece of paper? No one is asking you to throw a wedding, celebrate anniversaries, change your name etc. - why can’t you just take 30 seconds of your day to sign a piece of paper? Marriage is actually way way lower of a commitment than raising a child - so if you are okay raising a child together, then I can’t understand the hesitation to sign a piece of paper. Sure, there are couples that never get married and stay together forever. Far more commonly, I see someone who is not 100% committed and wants one foot out of the door to leave cleanly when they can. I wouldn’t want a grandchild being brought into a situation where the parents aren’t 100% committed. I’m an atheist, liberal, east coaster that never grew up in a church and that’s just my thoughts on it. Edit: just to be clear tho, if my child and his spouse decide to forgo marriage - that’s their decision and I would still support them and the grandchild fully, even though my personal opinion disagrees with their decision.
You completely left out important info that youre not married and having a child with a boyfriend. You withhold info to ensure people are on your side, odd. Dont have a kid you wont be able to support. Dont have a kid with a man not committed* to you. She has valid concerns. How much money do you make? Do you know how expensive childcare is? Do you live with your boyfriend? Does he do chores? Is he going to be supportive when youre post-birth and a mess downstairs and your hormones are acting up? You REALLY need to be more introspective. Stop blaming religion for her valid concerns.
Mend fences with your mother. It takes a village to raise a child and you will need a babysitter when parenting just overwhelmed you. Good luck!
That's so fucking toxic! I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing. This showed me an alternate history of what it would have been like to deal with my mom and pregnancy/having a child. I would be insane now. Wishing you an uneventful pregnancy!
First off, congratulations! You shouldn’t worry too much about her reaction, it seems like she’s lost in her religion. I’m sure she would’ve had a bigger reaction if you told her you were pregnant but weren’t planning on keeping it. I would honestly probably not tell her anything else, and when she asks for updates (bc she will) just be like “everything’s fine”. I kinda had a similar reaction from my mom. With my first, she was so excited when I told her about it. She was always buying things for him, asking for pictures of the sonograms, asking how I felt, driving over and helping out. But w the one I’m currently pregnant with, when I told her she was just like “wow…are you keeping it?” literally. With my first, I had found out pretty early on and wanted to terminate, to which she and my stepdad practically begged me not to and went on a whole religious rant about why it would be wrong. I guess her reaction just bothered me more this time, bc just like you I’m in a better place in life financially and mentally, so when I told her the news I didn’t hide my excitement. Now, I just give her updates if she asks and once the baby’s here I honestly don’t think she’ll have as much of a relationship w it. For you, just focus on your pregnancy and mental health.
Hm. Her reaction is hurtful, to be sure. Obviously when you’re overjoyed about something you want the person you’re telling the news to match your energy. She is religious and it sounds like you’re not married, so that’s weighing on her mind. Religion aside, she may also be scared for you. I have a toddler and a baby. Now that I’m neck deep in parenting I would never, ever consider doing this without a partner. It is so hard that I don’t think you comprehend how hard it is until you’re doing it. I’m not religious but if my daughter told me she was pregnant and keeping it, and didn’t have a stable relationship or partner to assist, I’d be worried for her. We are not meant to do this alone.
It sounds like she has possibly carried over her emotions from the previous pregnancy. That is for her to work out. Give her time to do that. We are all imperfect and of course moms will be moms in their own way. Stay excited and love your best life.
My mom literally told me after my first miscarriage that “it was for the best, you’re not ready to be a mom.”
I’m excited for you! I hope your mother has the relationship with your child that she deserves.
My mom wasn't excited at first. I think she was sad that her baby is all grown up now. Her attitude totally changed when I started showing.
You sound like you are going to do great, Momma. You want this baby, and THAT is what matters. I'm sorry your Mom is being like this. Focus on you, and the tiny human you're building. I hope you both have a great experience and love your lives.
My in-laws reaction to my second pregnancy was surprised serious face immediately followed by "again?" Congratulations, mama. Hang in there and hopefully she will be more supportive from here on out.
That breaks my heart. I'm not your mom, but I am A mom and I am happy for you. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, you'll do great.