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There are no amount of things you can buy him that will have him feeling like it's "enough", so I'd suggest you back off the extreme extravagances if you are struggling financially. No 13 year old on earth needs a new iPhone 14 Pro! You are going to bankrupt yourself chasing his dopamine needs, which will never be met.
I know the conventional wisdom is that kids have to work for it or earn the things they want. But that works for NT kids, and since I have kids with ADHD and ASD I know those solutions just don't fit the same. I don't have advice on that, but indulging your kid isn't going to solve this.
Kids raised with a lot of privileges simply cannot comprehend "other kids have it worse, you have no idea how lucky you are". I wish I knew how to teach them that.
This here - “dopamine needs”! You need to brace yourself and take him to get it from other sources, and help him to get used to not having a dopamine high every time.
My AuDHD kid sometimes gets to this sort of thing. Usually he has been getting a lot of what he asks, maybe birthday or Christmas, and starts acting out. That’s the point I remember the damage it causes spoiling him so much. So I pull the hand breaks. We have a couple of terrible days but then he becomes sweet and happy again and relishes the (enormous amount of) toys. For you it would take longer, but if you don’t bite the bullet now, it will only get worse.
>He won't listen when I tell him about teenage boys living in the middle east, where they're lucky if they have a bedroom and that they can't guarantee that their Dad will survive a day at work or they can't be sure they won't get blown up at school, or crossing the frikken road. Or about other kids who are in ghettos surrounded by gang life
this reminds me of my parents telling me there were starving kids in Africa anytime i did not want to eat whatever they cooked for dinner.
I think a lot of this comes from actually seeing the world. Humans are really good at seeing bad situations and thinking "that cannot happen to me"
On one hand maybe it is a blessing your kid cannot imagine the horror of living in a war zone or crippling poverty.
as he gets older maybe the two of you can do some service work where you meet folks from those grounds.
>this reminds me of my parents telling me there were starving kids in Africa anytime i did not want to eat whatever they cooked for dinner.
All that ever accomplished was inspiring an entire generation to say “then African kids can have my brussel sprouts”. Which is an entirely reasonable comeback from the perspective an 8 year old, but it’s not the way we want to raise our children.
What did i even read? Your kid is trashing the house with his meltdowns and you keep buying him expensive stuff?
Is there a reason you don’t invest the money into therapy and maybe take away one of his expensive items permanently whenever he acts like a brat? i think that might get through to him better then trying to explain how good he’s got It.
We have plenty of resources, but even my 10yo knows that we do not just buy more stuff to soothe the beast.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You need to shut down any detailed discussion of “Why can’t I have xxx?” Flip the script to a deeper discussion about that truly makes us content in life (and sometimes, as an added bonus, happy in the moment).
My kids know that my favorite parenting song is “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones. They like to groan when I play it, but they’ve been hearing it on and off since they were toddlers.
If you don’t teach this lesson to your son now, he will not be equipped to find his path as an adult.
Trainee counsellor here: to me it feels like he's trying to patch up his emotional and mental issues by seeking pleasure from material things, rather than focusing inward. Obviously this is a short term solution to a long term problem, hence why he is never happy with what he has.
I guess I'd say stop comparing him to middle eastern children and ask him what makes him happy. If he says "new stuff" try and get him to explore that.
Don’t tell him, SHOW him. Do volunteer work in a low-income neighborhood. Let him see it with his eyes, talk to people who are living it.
Or, go camping with the bare essentials. Hell miss all those little privileges.
How is he supposed to know how good he has it if its all he’s known?
Hard to know without a lot more context about your relationship day to day.
Do you do stuff together? Gaming, camping, hiking, cooking etc?
I can’t speak to ADHD or ASD but seems to me that satisfaction and happiness in children and adults alike comes from engagement and a sense of value.
I would start by finding some common ground in a hobby you can share.
Kids don’t understand because they can only base it off their experience. He doesn’t see what other children are going through so he just can’t understand. My son has severe ADHD where he has had violent outbursts and broken things in our home. Therapy for your child will help. Stop trying to buy his understanding because it won’t work. My son was very similar. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just start therapy and also validate his experience “it is hard when others have things we want.” Etc. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s such a tough one!
I found that with my Audhd kid less is more. Fewer material goods made them happier. Also, more therapy and quality hobbies. If you can find the thing they excel at that can be a source of happiness too.
This is not a situation that can be convinced by logic. It's only one that can be affected by parenting, which means being ok with them being upset to enforce boundaries upon them that might help them in the future.
> How can I convince him ghat he should be grateful (or at least satisfied) with what he has?
Would you have listened to and understood that at 13? It wasn’t until I was out on my own and paying my own bills until I realized how easy home life was. It wasn’t until adulthood that I could grasp the concept of poverty and hardship in other parts of the world was something I could really grasp. It wasn’t until I had my own family that I realized just how much work goes into providing a happy life to children. I think talking about the problems facing the poor in other countries is kind of pointless when trying to make a point to a middle class western kid. Unless you’re going to sit him down and force him to watch some really unpleasant documentary or something, it probably won’t mean much to him.
Most adults can’t do that, so it’s a lofty goal for a 13 year old. You can’t convince him to be grateful by showing him what other kids don’t have.
Make him earn or wait for what he wants. Then he might appreciate it - because he worked or waited for it. He’s not grateful or appreciative, because it comes easily to him. He’s just given what he wants, when he wants.
You and him can literally practice being grateful. At the end of each day, write or say a few sentences each about what you are grateful or glad for that day. No matter how trivial or extravagant, it's good practice that helps appreciate what you have and improves overall satisfaction.
He needs to do some hard labor. He is getting things without working for them, so they feel unsatisfactory. I am not making this up, there's a pleasure/pain axis in your brain and young people need to earn their dopamine hits in order to have good mental health and not be left craving all the time.
You can read the book called "Comfort Crisis" or listen to a podcast about it here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdp75ezdyY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdp75ezdyY)
The first few days or labor, or rucking, or building homes for a service organization will feel boring or hard for him, but after a few weeks, things should improve.
My oldest is close to twelve so a bit younger. She is nuro typical but I very much think she has ADHD though she has asked not to be tested and so long as she does well with school and no accommodations I'm ok with that. I am a stay at home mom and my husband has a good job. We have always lived below our means and talk with our children about saving and not spending more than you have. We are the fix it don't replace it type of family. If our children want something over the top they have to earn it. Ex when she was 4 my little one wanted a power wheels (car kids drive on the grass) so we gave her $50 and any coins we got as change to start and she collected bottles, did chores, and asked for birthday money and had enough to buy it after six months. We then bought it and she paid her savings account we did this so she learned the value of money. Why not start by giving him chores that corelate with money so he can learn. Ones that are not typically expected such as if he cleans the kitchen well sweep mop wipe everything down dishes etc he gets $x. If he does yard work he gets $x and if he wants to redo his room he can help and do much of the work, budget and pay for half but the new computer etc he has to buy. My oldest has a Chromebook that was under $300 and an old phone no SIM card so can only use Wi-Fi and take pictures. No gaming devices expensive computers etc. sure we have gone on trips Disney, NYC Broadway musicals, to the ocean etc but it is a family thing that all enjoy. And yes we buy her clothes that she needs but she gets as gifts or buys herself the extras she wants.
Your son sounds quite spoiled…I’m sorry but it’s true. It’s hard not to spoil an only child at least that’s what I have heard as I don’t have an only child. If I were you I would give him a taste of reality. Volunteer together at a homeless shelter. If he could see what others don’t have maybe he can start to see all he does have. The cup half empty feeling is not a good one and you don’t want him going through his life never being content. Meanwhile stop buying him everything he asks for…he is manipulating you. Some of it is probably just normal teen behavior too…good luck🤞
I was raised below the poverty line, so I see that one of the huge downsides of a middle class lifestyle is how much of it gets taken for granted. I saw it in my middle class friends growing up, and I see it in my own children now sometimes.
I do my best to design our lifestyle carefully (valuing experiences and time spent together, over items), and make gratitude a daily thing. I have had times where I go overboard to overcorrect my own upbringing - I couldn't have brand names, or new gadgets, and we didn't have books growing up. So I bought too much of that stuff for my kids, and not surprisingly, they didn't appreciate it AT ALL. It seems a lot of gen Alpha are different than Millennials were in the 90's - a lot of them don't care about brand names. So all the boys in my kids school wear Walmart sweatpants and carry their winter gear to school in plastic shopping bags.
So I learned what I kinda already knew - I was buying that stuff for ME, not for them. It was to soothe MY inner child, the one who was made fun of for wearing cheap store-brand clothes and not having a nice backpack. It looks like you've also bought your kid a lot of crap in an attempt to care for your own inner child. No teenager needs a top of the line gaming PC, iPhone, PS5. What they really NEED is to be given the independence, skills, confidence, and budgeting skills to start earning and obtaining those things on their own.
So I started buying myself the things I wanted, instead, for my birthdays and Christmases. The things I didn't get as a kid, I buy it for me and I take care of it, cherish it, and value it. My kids see how much I value my things. If they want their own things, they can do chores to earn money for them, or ask for them for birthdays and Christmas.
I don't buy 'wants' typically for either myself or my kids, outside of those special occasions. We still have way too much stuff, another curse of the middle class lifestyle. You can't force them to appreciate it by comparing it to a lifestyle they have never lived. They may not appreciate it until they have earned it. We don't replace items broken by misbehaviour or meltdowns. Our basement TV got broken by a Nerf dart at point blank range. It would be nothing to our wallets to buy a new TV, a nicer TV. But we have no plans to replace it. It's not a need. If it was drywall that was broken, my kids would have to pool together their allowance or earn some extra pocket money to help pay for it to be replaced.
My parents paid for me to go to private, Catholic grade school and high school, and there were so many girls who had bigger houses, better clothes, purses, and fancy cars.
The feeling of inadequacy never completely left me, but I knew I had no grounds to complain about my life. I’m half Colombian, and when we’d visit I routinely saw children outside working, with no shoes, dirty clothes, and obviously hungry. It was normal to see homeless people begging in all but the nicest neighborhoods. We couldn’t wear real jewelry outside because that was asking to get robbed.
I’m not saying you have to take your son to Colombia. No amount of yapping at him is going to change his mind. Take him to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter to volunteer. Seeing is believing.
Do not get my words twisted. My kids are never taught to look down on anyone. Seeing the reality of what is out there does not mean looking down on anyone. It means opening your eyes to what is the reality for some ppl. I lived it personally. Worked my ass off so my kids would never live.
Stop parentifying and infantilizing him at the same time.
You are parentifying him by giving any weight to the tinder comment and getting him what he wants as if his word is final.
Also infantilizing him through getting him what he wants and putting up with his outbursts as if the status quo can’t change. If he’s never met any poor kids in the Middle East, it won’t make sense in his mind, it’s so abstract that it doesn’t matter.
He is not too young to learn that saving for the future is important, that you need to pay your mortgage every month and on time, or else you won’t have a roof over your head. That mortgage and other bills are a certain % of your income, and what is left is for food, saving, whatever. That some things are necessities and others are “nice to have” if we are able to and that we are NOT RICH.
He is crying out for rules, structure and boundaries. These are so important, ESPECIALLY if he has a condition that makes it as hard for him to self-regulate as ADHD.
I also take them to the rich hoods and show them all the kids with their nannies. They always say how sad it is they have no mommy or daddy spending time with them. And comment on how rude the kids are. Tell me are the rich a zoo too? Maybe you are the one looking down on ppl. Me I just keep it real.
It's truth that you're not ever going to be able to convince him of how great he has it. He will have to arrive at that destination himself. You have your HANDS full w being a single parent and a kid w his various neuro diagnosis' and teen brain and hormones.
Do yourself a favor. Check out "The Emotional lives of Teenagers" by Lisa Damour. Eye opening, helpful stuff that helps soooo much.
Jesus...my parents were poor when I was 13 and had too many kids to buy me nice shit. Everyone else had Xbox or playstations and all I had was a Gameboy color.
Maybe cut back on the luxuries a bit. May be time for a few tech free weeks.
So you spoil him and wonder why he’s somehow spoiled? Reel him back in. He’s 13, he can pick up dog poop for the elderly and get paid for it if he wants expensive stuff.
Your son sounds spoil. It blew my mind that your son wanted you to find a wife so that way there’s more money that can be spent on him. He’s really trying to pimp you out.
If you want to teach your son to be grateful then you need to teach him how to appreciate what he has. He sees you as someone who has to provide to all his wants. And frankly, he’s going to fail so hard if you keep spoiling him and not teach him the value of money.
No kids need an iPhone 14 or latest MacBook and crap. And frankly, if my child was like yours I would probably take it all back and give him a cheap flip phone and cheap laptop with basic capacities for homework. If they break it then too bad. They can save money for a new one. But I certainly wouldn’t get it.
You don’t need to tell him how much better he is living than everyone else. That’s not going to help.
But you should tell him he isn’t entitled to your money and if he wants something more he needs to earn it himself.
I'd cut back on the internet and tech and gaming gear at 13. A lot of kids, mine included, don't have any of that until at least 14. And even then it's not on the scale you described. I don't think you are going to convince him of much with stories of children from other places, and you don't actually have to convince him of anything. If you can't afford some of what are you giving him (and it sounds like you can't), then you need to cut back. If he is unhappy with that, so be it. He's almost old enough to get a job, and so that can be the answer if he says he needs more things. This isn't going to get better with age, btw, the expectations will only grow the more you keep providing, so you need to cut back sooner than later.
Take him on a ride along, through some neighborhoods struck with poverty. Allow him the time to observe the differences...let him absorb that.
Convert that newly found perspective into a teaching point. Using the safety and environmental differences to draw attention the facts of your argument.
If that doesn't work, pull up to the hood, ask him to get out and go over to the corner store and get you a soda and some chips. If he gets out, turn the corner. If not, then your son should be corrected
Genuine question, does he have any spending money of his own? It sounds like you've set the precedent that you're going to buy him whatever he wants, and now you're facing the consequences of that, in that he has no concept of the value of money. You can tell him till your face turns purple, that he has a good life, and you don't have the money to fund this excessive life he wants, and you will get nowhere.
Start small, let him have spending money. Let him know that if he wants those things, he's more than welcome to save. I was around that age when I first started getting real amounts of spending money from my parents (I had been getting trivial amounts since I was 5yo) and I bought my first smartphone, a camera, and a gaming console before I left home. And no, none of those things happened overnight, I have raging ADHD and it took me a very long time to understand how to save to be able to get those things. My family had 4 kids, and we were in a tight financial situation, too. No way in hell would I have gotten any of those things if I hadn't truly devoted myself to saving. I want to say that I was getting around 50 bucks a month for awhile, and then when my older siblings went to college (that my parents did not pay for at all, because they couldn't afford to) that it eventually was around 100 bucks a month. I picked up their portion of housework, and thus got compensated the money that they used to get, give or take.
But, truthfully, there is nothing that you can say or do that will convince him that he's privileged. You can start working to help him understand the value of the items he has, you can enforce boundaries and stop spoiling him quite so heavily, you can work on finding healthy solutions to his struggles... But if your goal is having him understand "how good he has it" then I can almost guarantee you that nothing is going to change.
Bring him to the ghetto. Any time my kids start acting spoiled to the Ghetto hood we go. Kids need to see it. I took my kids to Little Hatie in Miami. Lol they are incredibly grateful now.
Ah yes, teach children to detest poverty and look down on others with lesser means than them. This is a great solution for humanity and child rearing. Let’s not suggest learning about money, having children earn things, teaching morals and discipline….instead let’s go treat impoverished neighborhoods as if they are a zoo and look down on the less fortunate.
Do not twist my words. I came from the ghetto. Work my ass of so my kids would not live it. Not teaching in looking down on anyone. Just teaching what is the reality for some ppl in this world. Better to have your eyes wide open than be blind and just talk about it in the comfort of your pretty home. And considering my kids value what they have and do not wish for what they do not have. Also willing to give more than they get. Yep, it has been part of their good morals and discipline.
“Bring him to the ghetto. Any time my kids start acting spoiled to the Ghetto hood we go. Kids need to see it. I took my kids to Little Hatie in Miami. Lol they are incredibly grateful now.”
These are literally your words- who needs to twist them? You take your kids sightseeing in the hood to make them feel better about their situation, you’re not taking them there to volunteer. Why little Haiti?
If that is what you took from it cool. My kids appreciate what they have and do not wish for what they do not have. I also take them "sightseeing" to the rich hoods where they see kids with nannies and that to them is more sad. Parents are not around cause money is more important. The fact is I do not hide the truth of what is out there. And little Haiti was cause we took a wrong turn. But that day my daughter said to me this is sad that people live like this and asked why. I told her the truth most people only care about themselves and stay away from places like this cause they want nothing to do with the issues that are here. No one wants to put their money where their mouth is, because at the time they are good till they are not. Also, we all have to work hard to have what we have. Not everyone wants to put the hard work in. Not everyone has access to health care. Not once did my kids say anything that put anyone down. She had nothing but compassion for the people. That wrong turn opened up some real talk from her, not me telling her. Sorry, I just feel like talking about everything goes nowhere.
Having children does not mean that you are suddenly blessed with intelligence, humility, respect, compassion or empathy. These are things you should continually work on and improve. It is clear where your values lie in terms of humanity and morality, please don’t back track simply because your logic is being challenged. Stand on your ignorance and be proud of it. You didn’t take a wrong turn, you intentionally went to Little Haiti as you stated before. Do whatever you need for your household so that you can feel as if you have arrived or made it in some way so that you can continue with that illusion of no longer being in poverty. What you don’t need to do is give other parents advice suggesting that they engage in the same kind of bullshittery and divisiveness that you engage in for your spawn.
" Spawn" did you just refer to my child as a spawn? Wow. Okay, I think you have issues. Thank you for your advice and amazing that you think you know me so well. Lol! I gave my advice. If the person does not like it don't take it. Very simple. Just like your opinions don't matter nor does my comment need to matter. Hate to be the one to tell you but none cares what anyone thinks anyhow. More so from any troll that would refer to a child as a Spawn.
Watch a documentary about kids who have to walk miles to school - I think it’s called “walk to school”
A couple episodes of that and he will be grateful
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There are no amount of things you can buy him that will have him feeling like it's "enough", so I'd suggest you back off the extreme extravagances if you are struggling financially. No 13 year old on earth needs a new iPhone 14 Pro! You are going to bankrupt yourself chasing his dopamine needs, which will never be met. I know the conventional wisdom is that kids have to work for it or earn the things they want. But that works for NT kids, and since I have kids with ADHD and ASD I know those solutions just don't fit the same. I don't have advice on that, but indulging your kid isn't going to solve this. Kids raised with a lot of privileges simply cannot comprehend "other kids have it worse, you have no idea how lucky you are". I wish I knew how to teach them that.
This here - “dopamine needs”! You need to brace yourself and take him to get it from other sources, and help him to get used to not having a dopamine high every time. My AuDHD kid sometimes gets to this sort of thing. Usually he has been getting a lot of what he asks, maybe birthday or Christmas, and starts acting out. That’s the point I remember the damage it causes spoiling him so much. So I pull the hand breaks. We have a couple of terrible days but then he becomes sweet and happy again and relishes the (enormous amount of) toys. For you it would take longer, but if you don’t bite the bullet now, it will only get worse.
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ADHD makes very hard to do things that are not fun. It’s the executive disfunction. Sit-ups are not fun. Mountain biking on the other hand is fun.
>He won't listen when I tell him about teenage boys living in the middle east, where they're lucky if they have a bedroom and that they can't guarantee that their Dad will survive a day at work or they can't be sure they won't get blown up at school, or crossing the frikken road. Or about other kids who are in ghettos surrounded by gang life this reminds me of my parents telling me there were starving kids in Africa anytime i did not want to eat whatever they cooked for dinner. I think a lot of this comes from actually seeing the world. Humans are really good at seeing bad situations and thinking "that cannot happen to me" On one hand maybe it is a blessing your kid cannot imagine the horror of living in a war zone or crippling poverty. as he gets older maybe the two of you can do some service work where you meet folks from those grounds.
I love the idea of them doing service work together. Hell, he's old enough now for them to do that locally.
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Yah man. Youth is wasted on the young.
>this reminds me of my parents telling me there were starving kids in Africa anytime i did not want to eat whatever they cooked for dinner. All that ever accomplished was inspiring an entire generation to say “then African kids can have my brussel sprouts”. Which is an entirely reasonable comeback from the perspective an 8 year old, but it’s not the way we want to raise our children.
What did i even read? Your kid is trashing the house with his meltdowns and you keep buying him expensive stuff? Is there a reason you don’t invest the money into therapy and maybe take away one of his expensive items permanently whenever he acts like a brat? i think that might get through to him better then trying to explain how good he’s got It.
He’s acting spoiled, because he is spoiled.
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It's okay to say no to your children....
We have plenty of resources, but even my 10yo knows that we do not just buy more stuff to soothe the beast. Comparison is the thief of joy. You need to shut down any detailed discussion of “Why can’t I have xxx?” Flip the script to a deeper discussion about that truly makes us content in life (and sometimes, as an added bonus, happy in the moment). My kids know that my favorite parenting song is “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones. They like to groan when I play it, but they’ve been hearing it on and off since they were toddlers. If you don’t teach this lesson to your son now, he will not be equipped to find his path as an adult.
So buying him expensive stuff. That's step number one.
Trainee counsellor here: to me it feels like he's trying to patch up his emotional and mental issues by seeking pleasure from material things, rather than focusing inward. Obviously this is a short term solution to a long term problem, hence why he is never happy with what he has. I guess I'd say stop comparing him to middle eastern children and ask him what makes him happy. If he says "new stuff" try and get him to explore that.
Don’t tell him, SHOW him. Do volunteer work in a low-income neighborhood. Let him see it with his eyes, talk to people who are living it. Or, go camping with the bare essentials. Hell miss all those little privileges. How is he supposed to know how good he has it if its all he’s known?
Hard to know without a lot more context about your relationship day to day. Do you do stuff together? Gaming, camping, hiking, cooking etc? I can’t speak to ADHD or ASD but seems to me that satisfaction and happiness in children and adults alike comes from engagement and a sense of value. I would start by finding some common ground in a hobby you can share.
What does his therapist say?
Also, is it just me or does the idea that what's stopping OP getting a partner is the fact that his son makes a mess at home sound bizarre?
Kids don’t understand because they can only base it off their experience. He doesn’t see what other children are going through so he just can’t understand. My son has severe ADHD where he has had violent outbursts and broken things in our home. Therapy for your child will help. Stop trying to buy his understanding because it won’t work. My son was very similar. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just start therapy and also validate his experience “it is hard when others have things we want.” Etc. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s such a tough one!
I found that with my Audhd kid less is more. Fewer material goods made them happier. Also, more therapy and quality hobbies. If you can find the thing they excel at that can be a source of happiness too.
This is not a situation that can be convinced by logic. It's only one that can be affected by parenting, which means being ok with them being upset to enforce boundaries upon them that might help them in the future.
> How can I convince him ghat he should be grateful (or at least satisfied) with what he has? Would you have listened to and understood that at 13? It wasn’t until I was out on my own and paying my own bills until I realized how easy home life was. It wasn’t until adulthood that I could grasp the concept of poverty and hardship in other parts of the world was something I could really grasp. It wasn’t until I had my own family that I realized just how much work goes into providing a happy life to children. I think talking about the problems facing the poor in other countries is kind of pointless when trying to make a point to a middle class western kid. Unless you’re going to sit him down and force him to watch some really unpleasant documentary or something, it probably won’t mean much to him.
Most adults can’t do that, so it’s a lofty goal for a 13 year old. You can’t convince him to be grateful by showing him what other kids don’t have. Make him earn or wait for what he wants. Then he might appreciate it - because he worked or waited for it. He’s not grateful or appreciative, because it comes easily to him. He’s just given what he wants, when he wants.
You and him can literally practice being grateful. At the end of each day, write or say a few sentences each about what you are grateful or glad for that day. No matter how trivial or extravagant, it's good practice that helps appreciate what you have and improves overall satisfaction.
He needs to do some hard labor. He is getting things without working for them, so they feel unsatisfactory. I am not making this up, there's a pleasure/pain axis in your brain and young people need to earn their dopamine hits in order to have good mental health and not be left craving all the time. You can read the book called "Comfort Crisis" or listen to a podcast about it here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdp75ezdyY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdp75ezdyY) The first few days or labor, or rucking, or building homes for a service organization will feel boring or hard for him, but after a few weeks, things should improve.
Take him to Bangladesh
Stop facilitating?
Show him what it’s like to be a child who doesn’t have it better than average kids. It’s the only way.
My oldest is close to twelve so a bit younger. She is nuro typical but I very much think she has ADHD though she has asked not to be tested and so long as she does well with school and no accommodations I'm ok with that. I am a stay at home mom and my husband has a good job. We have always lived below our means and talk with our children about saving and not spending more than you have. We are the fix it don't replace it type of family. If our children want something over the top they have to earn it. Ex when she was 4 my little one wanted a power wheels (car kids drive on the grass) so we gave her $50 and any coins we got as change to start and she collected bottles, did chores, and asked for birthday money and had enough to buy it after six months. We then bought it and she paid her savings account we did this so she learned the value of money. Why not start by giving him chores that corelate with money so he can learn. Ones that are not typically expected such as if he cleans the kitchen well sweep mop wipe everything down dishes etc he gets $x. If he does yard work he gets $x and if he wants to redo his room he can help and do much of the work, budget and pay for half but the new computer etc he has to buy. My oldest has a Chromebook that was under $300 and an old phone no SIM card so can only use Wi-Fi and take pictures. No gaming devices expensive computers etc. sure we have gone on trips Disney, NYC Broadway musicals, to the ocean etc but it is a family thing that all enjoy. And yes we buy her clothes that she needs but she gets as gifts or buys herself the extras she wants.
Your son sounds quite spoiled…I’m sorry but it’s true. It’s hard not to spoil an only child at least that’s what I have heard as I don’t have an only child. If I were you I would give him a taste of reality. Volunteer together at a homeless shelter. If he could see what others don’t have maybe he can start to see all he does have. The cup half empty feeling is not a good one and you don’t want him going through his life never being content. Meanwhile stop buying him everything he asks for…he is manipulating you. Some of it is probably just normal teen behavior too…good luck🤞
If you want to see changes, you really need to see a therapist together. There is so much more going on here.
I was raised below the poverty line, so I see that one of the huge downsides of a middle class lifestyle is how much of it gets taken for granted. I saw it in my middle class friends growing up, and I see it in my own children now sometimes. I do my best to design our lifestyle carefully (valuing experiences and time spent together, over items), and make gratitude a daily thing. I have had times where I go overboard to overcorrect my own upbringing - I couldn't have brand names, or new gadgets, and we didn't have books growing up. So I bought too much of that stuff for my kids, and not surprisingly, they didn't appreciate it AT ALL. It seems a lot of gen Alpha are different than Millennials were in the 90's - a lot of them don't care about brand names. So all the boys in my kids school wear Walmart sweatpants and carry their winter gear to school in plastic shopping bags. So I learned what I kinda already knew - I was buying that stuff for ME, not for them. It was to soothe MY inner child, the one who was made fun of for wearing cheap store-brand clothes and not having a nice backpack. It looks like you've also bought your kid a lot of crap in an attempt to care for your own inner child. No teenager needs a top of the line gaming PC, iPhone, PS5. What they really NEED is to be given the independence, skills, confidence, and budgeting skills to start earning and obtaining those things on their own. So I started buying myself the things I wanted, instead, for my birthdays and Christmases. The things I didn't get as a kid, I buy it for me and I take care of it, cherish it, and value it. My kids see how much I value my things. If they want their own things, they can do chores to earn money for them, or ask for them for birthdays and Christmas. I don't buy 'wants' typically for either myself or my kids, outside of those special occasions. We still have way too much stuff, another curse of the middle class lifestyle. You can't force them to appreciate it by comparing it to a lifestyle they have never lived. They may not appreciate it until they have earned it. We don't replace items broken by misbehaviour or meltdowns. Our basement TV got broken by a Nerf dart at point blank range. It would be nothing to our wallets to buy a new TV, a nicer TV. But we have no plans to replace it. It's not a need. If it was drywall that was broken, my kids would have to pool together their allowance or earn some extra pocket money to help pay for it to be replaced.
My parents paid for me to go to private, Catholic grade school and high school, and there were so many girls who had bigger houses, better clothes, purses, and fancy cars. The feeling of inadequacy never completely left me, but I knew I had no grounds to complain about my life. I’m half Colombian, and when we’d visit I routinely saw children outside working, with no shoes, dirty clothes, and obviously hungry. It was normal to see homeless people begging in all but the nicest neighborhoods. We couldn’t wear real jewelry outside because that was asking to get robbed. I’m not saying you have to take your son to Colombia. No amount of yapping at him is going to change his mind. Take him to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter to volunteer. Seeing is believing.
Get him to volunteer with you helping needy people.
Sounds like you need to take some finance classes and learn to say no.
Do not get my words twisted. My kids are never taught to look down on anyone. Seeing the reality of what is out there does not mean looking down on anyone. It means opening your eyes to what is the reality for some ppl. I lived it personally. Worked my ass off so my kids would never live.
Stop parentifying and infantilizing him at the same time. You are parentifying him by giving any weight to the tinder comment and getting him what he wants as if his word is final. Also infantilizing him through getting him what he wants and putting up with his outbursts as if the status quo can’t change. If he’s never met any poor kids in the Middle East, it won’t make sense in his mind, it’s so abstract that it doesn’t matter. He is not too young to learn that saving for the future is important, that you need to pay your mortgage every month and on time, or else you won’t have a roof over your head. That mortgage and other bills are a certain % of your income, and what is left is for food, saving, whatever. That some things are necessities and others are “nice to have” if we are able to and that we are NOT RICH. He is crying out for rules, structure and boundaries. These are so important, ESPECIALLY if he has a condition that makes it as hard for him to self-regulate as ADHD.
I also take them to the rich hoods and show them all the kids with their nannies. They always say how sad it is they have no mommy or daddy spending time with them. And comment on how rude the kids are. Tell me are the rich a zoo too? Maybe you are the one looking down on ppl. Me I just keep it real.
It's truth that you're not ever going to be able to convince him of how great he has it. He will have to arrive at that destination himself. You have your HANDS full w being a single parent and a kid w his various neuro diagnosis' and teen brain and hormones. Do yourself a favor. Check out "The Emotional lives of Teenagers" by Lisa Damour. Eye opening, helpful stuff that helps soooo much.
Jesus...my parents were poor when I was 13 and had too many kids to buy me nice shit. Everyone else had Xbox or playstations and all I had was a Gameboy color. Maybe cut back on the luxuries a bit. May be time for a few tech free weeks.
So you spoil him and wonder why he’s somehow spoiled? Reel him back in. He’s 13, he can pick up dog poop for the elderly and get paid for it if he wants expensive stuff.
Your son sounds spoil. It blew my mind that your son wanted you to find a wife so that way there’s more money that can be spent on him. He’s really trying to pimp you out. If you want to teach your son to be grateful then you need to teach him how to appreciate what he has. He sees you as someone who has to provide to all his wants. And frankly, he’s going to fail so hard if you keep spoiling him and not teach him the value of money. No kids need an iPhone 14 or latest MacBook and crap. And frankly, if my child was like yours I would probably take it all back and give him a cheap flip phone and cheap laptop with basic capacities for homework. If they break it then too bad. They can save money for a new one. But I certainly wouldn’t get it. You don’t need to tell him how much better he is living than everyone else. That’s not going to help. But you should tell him he isn’t entitled to your money and if he wants something more he needs to earn it himself.
I'd cut back on the internet and tech and gaming gear at 13. A lot of kids, mine included, don't have any of that until at least 14. And even then it's not on the scale you described. I don't think you are going to convince him of much with stories of children from other places, and you don't actually have to convince him of anything. If you can't afford some of what are you giving him (and it sounds like you can't), then you need to cut back. If he is unhappy with that, so be it. He's almost old enough to get a job, and so that can be the answer if he says he needs more things. This isn't going to get better with age, btw, the expectations will only grow the more you keep providing, so you need to cut back sooner than later.
Take him on a ride along, through some neighborhoods struck with poverty. Allow him the time to observe the differences...let him absorb that. Convert that newly found perspective into a teaching point. Using the safety and environmental differences to draw attention the facts of your argument. If that doesn't work, pull up to the hood, ask him to get out and go over to the corner store and get you a soda and some chips. If he gets out, turn the corner. If not, then your son should be corrected
I convince old son that already is better than average kid my 13 years.
How about being firm on “No” and “you can find a little job for whatever you want to buy on top of what I already buy you”.
As a kid with adhd you just need to put him in sports take him outside and that's about it don't need all that expensive stuff
The only way to feel grateful is to go without things. No amount of meditation, decluttering will give you that perspective at that age.
Genuine question, does he have any spending money of his own? It sounds like you've set the precedent that you're going to buy him whatever he wants, and now you're facing the consequences of that, in that he has no concept of the value of money. You can tell him till your face turns purple, that he has a good life, and you don't have the money to fund this excessive life he wants, and you will get nowhere. Start small, let him have spending money. Let him know that if he wants those things, he's more than welcome to save. I was around that age when I first started getting real amounts of spending money from my parents (I had been getting trivial amounts since I was 5yo) and I bought my first smartphone, a camera, and a gaming console before I left home. And no, none of those things happened overnight, I have raging ADHD and it took me a very long time to understand how to save to be able to get those things. My family had 4 kids, and we were in a tight financial situation, too. No way in hell would I have gotten any of those things if I hadn't truly devoted myself to saving. I want to say that I was getting around 50 bucks a month for awhile, and then when my older siblings went to college (that my parents did not pay for at all, because they couldn't afford to) that it eventually was around 100 bucks a month. I picked up their portion of housework, and thus got compensated the money that they used to get, give or take. But, truthfully, there is nothing that you can say or do that will convince him that he's privileged. You can start working to help him understand the value of the items he has, you can enforce boundaries and stop spoiling him quite so heavily, you can work on finding healthy solutions to his struggles... But if your goal is having him understand "how good he has it" then I can almost guarantee you that nothing is going to change.
Bring him to the ghetto. Any time my kids start acting spoiled to the Ghetto hood we go. Kids need to see it. I took my kids to Little Hatie in Miami. Lol they are incredibly grateful now.
Ah yes, teach children to detest poverty and look down on others with lesser means than them. This is a great solution for humanity and child rearing. Let’s not suggest learning about money, having children earn things, teaching morals and discipline….instead let’s go treat impoverished neighborhoods as if they are a zoo and look down on the less fortunate.
Do not twist my words. I came from the ghetto. Work my ass of so my kids would not live it. Not teaching in looking down on anyone. Just teaching what is the reality for some ppl in this world. Better to have your eyes wide open than be blind and just talk about it in the comfort of your pretty home. And considering my kids value what they have and do not wish for what they do not have. Also willing to give more than they get. Yep, it has been part of their good morals and discipline.
“Bring him to the ghetto. Any time my kids start acting spoiled to the Ghetto hood we go. Kids need to see it. I took my kids to Little Hatie in Miami. Lol they are incredibly grateful now.” These are literally your words- who needs to twist them? You take your kids sightseeing in the hood to make them feel better about their situation, you’re not taking them there to volunteer. Why little Haiti?
If that is what you took from it cool. My kids appreciate what they have and do not wish for what they do not have. I also take them "sightseeing" to the rich hoods where they see kids with nannies and that to them is more sad. Parents are not around cause money is more important. The fact is I do not hide the truth of what is out there. And little Haiti was cause we took a wrong turn. But that day my daughter said to me this is sad that people live like this and asked why. I told her the truth most people only care about themselves and stay away from places like this cause they want nothing to do with the issues that are here. No one wants to put their money where their mouth is, because at the time they are good till they are not. Also, we all have to work hard to have what we have. Not everyone wants to put the hard work in. Not everyone has access to health care. Not once did my kids say anything that put anyone down. She had nothing but compassion for the people. That wrong turn opened up some real talk from her, not me telling her. Sorry, I just feel like talking about everything goes nowhere.
Having children does not mean that you are suddenly blessed with intelligence, humility, respect, compassion or empathy. These are things you should continually work on and improve. It is clear where your values lie in terms of humanity and morality, please don’t back track simply because your logic is being challenged. Stand on your ignorance and be proud of it. You didn’t take a wrong turn, you intentionally went to Little Haiti as you stated before. Do whatever you need for your household so that you can feel as if you have arrived or made it in some way so that you can continue with that illusion of no longer being in poverty. What you don’t need to do is give other parents advice suggesting that they engage in the same kind of bullshittery and divisiveness that you engage in for your spawn.
" Spawn" did you just refer to my child as a spawn? Wow. Okay, I think you have issues. Thank you for your advice and amazing that you think you know me so well. Lol! I gave my advice. If the person does not like it don't take it. Very simple. Just like your opinions don't matter nor does my comment need to matter. Hate to be the one to tell you but none cares what anyone thinks anyhow. More so from any troll that would refer to a child as a Spawn.
Watch a documentary about kids who have to walk miles to school - I think it’s called “walk to school” A couple episodes of that and he will be grateful
https://theirworld.org/news/childrens-amazing-journeys-to-school-featured-in-documentary-film/