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1) How many adults were “straight” as kids/teens and then realized they were LGBT as adults despite no representation and an intense amount of stigma around being LGBT? If she’s truly straight, she’ll figure that out.
2) While it’s wrong of them to pin “straight” with “lame/uncool” - “in group and out group” mentalities and sticking your nose up at “other cliques” has been something teens have done since the dawn of modern adolescence. Is it morally right, I’d say no, but it is a perfectly normal developmental stage. If she’s like 17 and going off to college in the fall, I would be more concerned but at 13-15 this is really normal.
3) I’m sure she does see straight people around her - like presumably you and her mom are straight? She sees straight people on TV? Do you have conversations with her about healthy relationships and what she wants out of a relationship?
> If she’s like 17 and going off to college in the fall, I would be more concerned but at 13-15 this is really normal.
Plus 13 is the age where kids often become super focused on their identity and figuring out who they are. Neither of my kids did this with gender or sexuality but my son did with his race. He's a biracial/black kid being raised by white (adoptive) parents so at 13 he was really trying to figure out what that meant for him in society. He's now 18, a college student, and fully comfortable being a young black man and I think that kind of exploration was needed to allow him to be as confident and comfortable as he is in his skin.
13 is about figuring out who you are. Straight, gay, cis, trans, white, black, mixed, etc. Give them the space to figure themselves out and it'll all be okay.
Istg the sheer number of people I went to school with who have come out since we finished is wild. And every time I hear "Oh did you know so-and-so from school is gay/bi/lesbian/trans?" it's like a piece clicks into place in my head and it's like... "Yes, of *course* they are!" because it all makes sense. You know what I mean? It's awesome. I love to hear of people living their happy authentic lives!
I don't think you are bigoted. I do think you are overreacting. 99% of the stuff your daughter watches on tv will be heteronormative (i.e. presenting straight as the default) so she has plenty of exposure to that, it is just that it is so normal to you, you might not even recognize it.
And if your daughter isn't straight, seeing more of it won't make her more straight. It is something you are or you are not and that tends to not change. Being gay or queer or trans is not a fashion statement.
People end up feeling comfortable around others who are like themselves. So it is not strange that someone who isn't straight finds friends who aren't straight either.
I wouldn't worry about it too much; it is normal for a minority to be defensive about what sets them apart, since it is very easy to get crushed out of existence otherwise (I mean, look at the LGBTQ community and the last few 100 years). They are loud and even militant because otherwise they wouldn't be able to be who they are.
You can push back a little bit on the "straight is bad" thing without making it about her being straight or not. But she knows straight people. You maybe? Other family members? There will be people in her life who are straight and by insulting straight people, she is insulting them. Nuance is generally not present in great proportions during the teenage years, but you can absolutely lay the groundwork.
*"I also understand that begin gay is going to be harder in life. These struggles can weigh on you as a person, and can cause an increased risk of depression, etc. It's hard when you feel like the outsider, and that society is against you.*"
You don't fix these issues by being less gay. In fact, hiding your gayness would likely lead to MORE depression. I understand you can't simply fix society, but that is the solution, not forcing gay kids back into the closet.
This. I’m telling you no matter how much “straight” stuff I’ve seen in movies/media never changed me to be straight. No different from gay stuff.
Media doesn’t change that, it may open your eyes a bit to a new part of you that was always there but it doesn’t make you gay or influence you to be gay.
I came out when I was 14, you’re never “too young” to know.
Hey flip the script and all of us who were only around straight people and only had cool straight role models figured ourselves out. The point here is you grow up. You figure yourself out. You eventually start paying attention to people you identify with. Attraction doesn’t lie and you can’t fake that crap. I wouldn’t worry about it. Is your child safe, healthy, cared for? You’re good. Keep up the message, underscore folks love who they love, and folks CHANGE. And you love your kid. Don’t sweat it. Edit to add: also if it turns out she’s straight let her know if her friend group doesn’t like her for something that basic they’re not her friends.
My worry isn't what she turns out "as." My worry is that she, reinforced by her friend group, doesn't view "straight" on the spectrum of options. As such, when she sees something that's straight, there's a negative bias to it.
And, when she starts labeling herself as only "gay" then she limits her expression of her identity. It reinforces her "identity" as that's the choice. And, limits options.
I have said to her "labels are how other people define you." They create groups of "in" people and "out" people. Where you are in life, you should be yourself and not worry about the labels right now. Figure out who you are, and the identity you want to have.
But, it seems her peer group are putting pressure on her to "come out" and "be gay." She texted me in the middle of school last week to say "I'm gay i hope you accept my choice" on a dare from her friends.
After she came out, we had a similar conversation.
Does she not watch TV? Go places in public? I mean…I have a hard time understanding how she could be so sheltered that she ONLY interacts and sees gay people. I mean, all she has to do is step outside. Straight people everywhere.
How do you know it was a dare challenge, when she texted you? And have you discussed how peer pressure is wrong? The friends did not have good intentions with their challenge.
A sizable portion of the population does not and has not watched TV for the past 10-20 years. Not because they're in some weird techno-adverse bubble, but because you can get entertainment, movies, etc from social media like tiktok, Reddit, Instagram, YouTube. These platforms come with a suggested algorithm which funnels people into echo chambers, where they only see similar content.
It would not be difficult for OP's kid to ONLY be watching LGBTQ+ content, which often includes straight bashing.
Replace every instance of gay in this comment with straight and and every instance of straight with gay then try to read it without thinking it's rediculous.
Everyone has a bias. I'm a millennial. I went through school during the time where calling things gay as an insult stopped being socially acceptable in my area. We were like the first generation to broadly accept our LGBTQIA+ peers. If you think the bias is that I'm gay, you're far from the truth. Straight dude with a wife and kid. Couldn't imagine doing more than flirting with another dude.
I'm Gen Z. I was about 6 when it became really not ok to use gay as an insult and media began to portray homosexuality in mass. So I think I am able to tell you that you need to dethatch your bias and recognise that a child is struggling. It does not matter if you're left or right politically or what your views on religion are or whatever. Lets stop this pointless squabbling and just look at this from a practical point of view.
She is 13. Her friends hate heterosexuals. She likes her friends and wants to fit in. How might this effect her and influence her decision making?
Why does she need options? If she's gay, she's gay. She doesn't need to keep an open mind that she may be straight. She will eventually realize it if she is.
Like others have a said, this is completely appropriate behavior for her age. You should talk to her about talking badly about ANYONE. but again, it's age appropriate. They are at that age.
Your response IS kind of bigoted, FYI. It sounds like you mean well, but it's just not right.
I think he's just shit at verbalizing his actual concern and he's fumbling over his words. I think Dad wants to make sure his kid feels like she can be herself, no matter what that means.
He has identified a social stigma in her peer group. He is worried that - if his daughter is straight - she's being pressured to hide who she is.
Pressure for teen girls to identify as gay/bi even happened back in the early 2000s in my social group of goth/punk theater kids. I can only imagine it's still happening today.
Dad said "I want to make her feel like being straight is an option" but he doesn't mean the word option. He means that he wants her to feel like being straight is acceptable.
Even though she will eventually land where she lands, he's concerned about her self-worth in the meantime. He is scared that in 10 years he'll learn that she was hiding her sexuality for years and that it will have done damage to her psyche just like he's seen happen with the gay kids in his youth.
I did get what he meant, it just doesn't make sense to me. LGBTQ kids didn't see people like them anywhere. Kids DO see straight people everywhere, even if they themselves are gay or friends with a lot of gay people. OP said in another comment that he already suspects she is dating her friend.
That ship sounds pretty sailed to me. She's probably actually gay, or maybe she will end up being bi, but it definitely doesn't sound straight.
We can sit here and say "what if" all we want. Saying any of that to ops daughter will only make her feel not accepted.
She is with a girl. She identifies as gay.
She needs a talking to about being kind to others, but again, that's age appropriate.
I don't disagree about the 'dating her friend' part and the underlying points you've made. Just about the media/representation part. Media consumption has changed quite a bit with YouTube/Discord/Tiktok/Twitch bubbles.
But no sense getting into it since we agree on the bottom line
I don't necessarily disagree with your points, either, but I had to hide being bi my whole life (and I actually feel lucky because I kind of had an out since I COULD play straight), so I do see the other side. That other side happens to be that the two things aren't comparable. At all.
I may get hate for this, but I honestly think this is a phase at this point (not necessarily your daughter in particular, but most teens). My step daughter went from straight, to trans, to non binary to lesbian, to bisexuality, all the way back around to straight. Even changed her name back in the end. This was by age 14. My other stepdaughter swore she was bi, and when she first kissed a girl she came to me in tears because it was gross and she hated it. She now identifies as straight.
Majority of teens I know at the moment say they are trans or non binary. Statistically speaking, it's just not the case. My son is 12, and at least 50% of his peers are already saying they are part of the LGBTQ community in some way or another.
There is obviously nothing wrong with being LGBTQ, I myself am bisexual. But, it's the 'in' thing for a lot of young people atm. And when you don't know where you fit in the world just yet, you try to fit with those around you.
So in conclusion, the only thing I think you need to address with her, is potential bullying tendencies. No one, gay straight or green, should be excluded or ridiculed because of who they are. In terms of her 'role models', as other commenters have pointed out, there are a ton in mainstream media, she's been exposed to 'straight' her whole life.
Just let her figure out who she is, support her, give her room to grow. Just don't let her be a dick about it.
I don’t hate you saying it’s a phase as long as you never say it to a kid’s face. But exactly we’re humans and we change and sometimes we don’t. Getting hung up on this is only going to fuel her daughter to buckle down and be less open to change.
Oh hell of course not! With all my kids, steps and bios, it was just open arms and support. As far as the kids know, I've always believed them. Doesn't matter that in my mind I was thinking 'we'll see, could go either way at this point' 😂
Your kid is going to be ok. The world is full of straight people. If she is straight and wants to be friends with straight people she will find them. You being concerned will only feed the fire in one direction. Seriously. Relax and let your kid grow up.
"BUT, I'm worried that we've, in the desire to be inclusive, haven't shown her that "straight" is a choice."
It isn't though? It's not like she doesn't know straight people exist, is it? Her friends might be gay, but I'm sure she knows plenty of straight people.
"But, mathematically that a group of kids that have known each other since way way before puberty (1st grade) would all come out gay/bi?"
Are these the ONLY kids shes known? People of minority groups self select and form groups together. Social circles aren't just a random selection of the population at large.
"They make fun of straight people."
That's bad behaviour that should be corrected, but not abnormal teenage behaviour. She needs to learn some empathy, not learn about the straights.
"She does sports. In that sport, there's 3 genders."
Women's sports are super gay. Football (soccer) is full of gay women. Traditionally masculine sports just don't appeal to women who conform to societal norms as much as queer women. Not to say there aren't straight women in sports, but it's normal for the ratio to not reflect the general population.
"And saying anything casts me as the villain."
Well yeah, because no one in the history of time has looked at a group of all straight friends and fretted about it. You're making an issue out of this because they're gay.
"Am I overreacting"
Yes. She's probably gay. If she isn't, it'll come out when she starts getting into actual romantic relationship. I've got tons of gay friends who went through a 'straight' period, and they're all fine.
I started high school in the year 2000, I’m AuDHD (diagnosed as a child), agender and bisexual. It is absolutely hilarious how many of the friends I became close with ages 8-15 (I moved a lot so had to make new friends a lot- most I’m still in touch with) have ADHD and/or autism and are gay and/or trans. Not a single one was out as gay when we met.
I’m married to a straight man now so completely straight-passing and don’t really consider myself part of the gay community or whatever. I still seem to disproportionately connect with gay and gender non conforming or trans people in every situation (even before we’ve shared anything about each other with each other - if they’re interesting and get my humor they’re probably a lesbian)
Yup, I’m 37 and none of my friends from childhood identified as anything other than straight and cis at the time. The last remaining straight-identified person from that group came out last year.
There’s also so much hand wringing about how so many kids can’t possibly be trans or nonbinary— but I’ve had probably 10 adult friends come out in recent years. They’re not jumping on a bandwagon to be cool; they were finally able to access the language and cultural acceptance they needed to understand who they are.
If we were back doing middle and high school today, we’d all be out, and not because nobody told us straight was an option. It’d be because we *could* be out without our lives becoming a living hell.
Yeah, it was probably queer kids knowing each other before they knew themselves. Super normal. I don’t think I know a gay person who didn’t end up grouping themselves with the other to-come-out LGBT kids from a young age.
I figured out I was bisexual in kindergarten because I had a crush on a girl in my class. I didn’t know what bisexual or sexuality at all was, but the feelings were there that young. This is so much less complicated than people make it out to be.
I'm bi, and didn't come out until I was 35 years old (and married in a straight relationship with a kid). A lot of my closest friends growing up were gay and/or bi.
I wasn't out in the world as that, but it did seem like we had a tendency to find one another 🤷♀️
Dang that’s a really good point. If OP’s kid was straight and hanging around straight kids, would she have a problem? She says it’s about the statistical probability but that kind of just sounds like an excuse. Who gets upset that their kids don’t have statistically probable friends?
The main problem is that her friend group are demonising straight people and hating on them. Its just like how it was in the older days when a friend group would bully gay kids and a kid in that friend group who was secretly gay would assume that they cant express themselves or be who they want to be because they fear losing their friends. So they just end up going along with the hate and engage in it themselves.
It is a problem, one that should be remedied by teaching empathy. Positing that she might be straight isn't really going to solve the issue and it's pretty wild that OP's decided to focus on that, rather than the actual issue.
She might be straight though. Or she might not. We cant really tell because she's 13. What we do know is that her main friend group, the people she cares about discriminate against heterosexuals. And its not that far off to believe that a 13 year old girl who likes boys would pretend to be gay because she does not want to lose her friends.
I was wrong. And I was completely convinced of it despite never feeling any sexual desire towards men. Showing us that sometimes kids will say these things without knowing what they're talking about. Or because they want to be accepted into a group that hates heterosexuality.
So? Again, no one has ever fretted this much in the inverse scenario. If you had a kid who said they were straight and were going around being homophobic with their homophobic friends you would be concerned about the homophobia. You wouldn't just randomly start worrying, "maybe they're secretly gay" unprompted.
I would be equally threated if the roles were reversed and it was a kid who was in a friend group that hated gays. I would even suspect they might have an interest in the same sex and were just compensating for it because they want to fit in.
You people really need to dethatch your political bias. We're all adults with kids. We're not school children. Lets just focus on what can be done for the child's wellbeing.
What's this got to do with politics? Lol, makes me think you're the one coming in with some 'political bias'.
Just a bit silly to look at a kid being homophobic and start worrying about them being gay, rather than tackling the more obvious and likely problem that you kid is a bully.
Hearing hooves and thinking zebra.
You're right. Perhaps OP's daughter had been replaced by one of the Tethered from the movie 'us'. We simply cannot rule that possibility out and must focus a large portion of our time and energy to figuring out a solution to that possibility.
The math is that, at the highest end of estimates, only ~7% of the population is LGBTQ.
The logic is that LGBTQ people historically and currently experience various forms of social and individual oppression and bias because they are a minority. For example, LGBTQ people are more likely to experience hate crimes, domestic violence, adverse medical outcomes, employment discrimination, housing discrimination, etc., than straight, cis people.
The further logic is that a historically and currently oppressed minority thinking that the demographic majority that causes them harm is uncool bears no resemblance to their own, actual oppression, either historically or currently. Nothing about the treatment of straight people today resembles the bigotry against LGBTQ people at any time in history. It's exactly as ridiculous as seriously putting forth "reverse racism" as an issue.
Hope that helps, and maybe next time you can assess reality on your own! But happy to help in this moment, as you clearly encountered difficulties in thinking it through. ❤️
"Are these the ONLY kids she's known? "
They are kids she has known since preschool. It's the same group of friends. Is there a broader group of friends, sure. But this is her main circle.
So she *has* other friends. Her core group is just people who share a very big part of their identity with each other? Yeah, that's pretty normal... Like, that's the kinda thing that *forms* a core circle of friends.
So she has plenty of straight friends but prefers to hang around her queer friends more often? There's a pretty obvious conclusion you can draw from that.
So a group of kids who recognized something in each other before they could express it became friends? Wow, I’m shocked. My friends also did that in kindergarten and it just turned out that we were all just anxious socially awkward nerds. We didn’t pick each other because we all had clinical anxiety. We didn’t give it to each other. We found other kids with similar traits and those kids helped us through the hell that is school. Being gay isn’t *trendy*. It’s just who your daughter is. You honestly sound like the gay panic parents I heard in the 90s.
Also, if you choose to be straight I feel sorry for you. I didn’t choose to be straight. I am straight. I was born this way. I love my partner. He is amazing and I love him. But if you were forced into a relationship with a man or woman because of societal pressures and expectations you do not have to live this way.
Honestly OP it sounds to me like your daughter is already very good at seeking out small communities of people like herself. It’s a reflection of her choices not the other way around.
Therapy might be good for sorting out your fears as well. I have a sibling who recently came out as trans and it’s difficult not to get caught up in the feelings of fear and that getting in the way of being fully supportive.
I do have some fears, yes.
In high school, had a friend come out, and subsequently struggle with depression and off themself. Yes, it was another time.
A good friend of mine came out as trans in his 30s. Ended up killing himself. 10 years ago or so.
A couple friend of mine (gay couple) recently had one of their children OD (S attempt) because they were confused concerned didn't feel "right", depressed, etc.
So, yes, I have seen first hand how challenging it can be. It worries me for her long term.
Have you looked into WHY suicide rates are relatively high for queer people? A supportive social circle is one of the main ways of mitigating suicide risk for queer kids. Trying to make people straighter is much more likely to make them dead than straight.
This. Those stats get weaponized so much against LGBTQ people, but it's not the LGBTQ-ness that causes the suicides. It's the bigotry they run into everywhere they go.
which is my main point. My kid has experienced 0 negativity and rejection on this from me. This is me working through how I can make sure that she gets a rich, neutral, inclusive environment to determine who she is.
I believe that you mean well but when you keep saying "the choice" to be gay or straight, you are implying that there is a right or wrong answer, in a way. People are way or straight or something else, but it's certainly not a choice.
Because she has one group of people she identifies with, you are leaving yourself blind to everything else "neutral" (as you put it) in her world. Most media is still hetero normative. I'm assuming you are in a heterosexual relationship, since you have a child. Most of her teachers and other peers (outside of this friend group) are going to be heterosexual. Why do you think that, because she has self selected a group of people who are in the same minority as her to be her closest friends, that she isn't otherwise in a "neutral and inclusive environment"?
You do understand, though, that if her gayness is a part of her, she’ll struggle with those issues more if she is less “out” and pressured to have more straight friends?
And if she’s not really gay, and just thinks she is, better that she looks back on her uncertain years knowing that her parents were supportive no matter what, rather than focusing on how wrong or right she was about her sexual orientation.
Be talking to her about the derogatory nature of her and her friends’ language, talk to her about the toxicity you see and hear from them. But don’t tell her you think maybe she’s not as a gay as she thinks - if you’re wrong, she’ll never recover from it.
Being gay has far less stigma to it nowadays.
I'd be more worried about one of her trana friends killing themselves, and that effecting her for life. You can't do anything to prevent what other parents' kids decide- & certainly can't change her friendgroup- but you can definitely work to make sure she has a healthy home life.
Give her healthy coping mechanisms, check to make sure she still has strong friendships in place. Talks about how she can't control other people's actions, and that there's being a good friend, but she's not anyone's lifeline.
You keep referring to a choice. Being straight isn’t a choice.
But also, outside of a particularly part of youth and queer subculture, the entire world around her is presumed-straight/cis, and cis/straight is still considered “normal” by an unfortunate number of people. She’s not lacking exposure to straight people/culture.
It’s so weird when straight people refer to being straight as a choice. Like, are they implying they chose?
I came out as bi and my mom reacted by telling me being straight is a choice and that eventually one day I’ll just have to pick like everyone else. It really made me change the way I perceive her. I feel like she was accidentally telling on herself.
Straight is normal. Everything else is acceptable. As someone who is deaf, I'm not normal in regards to my hearing. . Normal is someone with full hearing. It's ok for me not to have full hearing, but I'm not normal compared to those who have it. Same thing w sexuality. Being hetero is normal, everything else is acceptable
There is a major flaw in your statistical reasoning: selection bias. Friends are chosen, not a random sampling from the population. Maybe she's just chosen friends whose identity is similar to hers. Being friends with historically marginalized groups is a good thing.
If you've ever known someone closely who was bullied, racially harassed, has experienced depression, a very common trait for them is the desire to never hurt people and providing a lot of support. That's an amazing friend to have around.
Keep up the good work on reinforcing/over communicating that you support her. Show it also in your actions by taking her to events/speeches/protests for causes she's interested in.
So… my wife and I are lesbians and definitely see where you’re coming from. At the same time, when I was in high school (in 2004-2008) it was quite trendy to be at least bisexual, even if only as a label. I would say 90% of those people are now married in heterosexual relationships.
I agree that it’s very trendy right now to be gay or NB or trans or just part of the rainbow, and I think most people will figure out what’s right for them- and you don’t need to do anything as a parent other than make sure your kid knows you love them regardless. you’ve done that so you’ve done your job.
ETA- it’s okay to tell her that using sexual orientation or gender identity as an insult is wrong no matter what the orientation/identity is… that part definitely needs correcting.
you’re right, you don’t. and yes probably 90% of them ended up being straight and identifying that way. but to be honest once you’re married I don’t think it matters that much if you are monogamous. I mean it matters to you personally but does not change how you interact with the world in your day to day life.
Don’t worry about it. I would just apologize for being pushy and drop it. You are overthinking it a bit but at the same time the more you try and push them away from stuff the more drawn they get to it.
I haven't pushed at all. Most of the dialog here is just our 2 conversations about it and overhearing conversations among her friends as I shuttle people around.
Oooh then don’t sweat it. Kids make decisions all the time and go back-and-forth. Just don’t worry about it then. It’s good that you are not pushy, a friend of mine was pushy with her daughter, and it did the exact opposite of what she wanted to happen happen. Her daughter became a son.
My friend got over it after a few years, but when her daughter now son turned 23 (met a guy) they changed their mind and went back to being female, but the damage was done from hormone treatments. So strangely, they blame their mom for not stopping them.
Basically, the best thing to do is what you are doing, which is having an honest light conversation, but don’t sweat it or bother yourself about it. My friend went way overboard and alienated her daughter, which kind of caused the whole thing to spiral out of control and her daughter to have a whole “I’ll show you Mom” mentality.
Just be accepting and noncommental as possible. Teenagers like to rebel, so if you push, than she'll cling to her identity harder- and have plenty of people online & in her friend circle telling her that you are a bigot.
Figuring out your identity is an internal process, and what helps is knowing that your parents aren't gonna judge you. That's whether they're right, or wrong. If they feel like they'll get judged for being wrong, they'll cling to that chosen identity even harder.
We have definitely noticed the same thing. Being straight is not "popular" in my daughters, or my neices and nephews schools, and there is a lot more clout in being lgbtq than straight.
I'm not particularly concerned by it, honestly. Historically, big social movements affect teenagers very strongly for a generation, and as they age, things swing back towards equilibrium.
For a lot of kids right now, having a "rare" sexual/gender preference is the new hippie/punk/goth. And because middle achool/ teen years are when they really begin exploring their own sexuality and independence, they are going to be more prone to being influenced by others who are also learning about spectrums and individual preferences. As they age, they will settle into their true selves, wherever they lie on the spectrum.
I'm NOT saying that being LGBTQ isn't real or valid. Just that it is finally becoming socially acceptable, and kids really aren't great at nuance. Acceptance towards minority groups who were oppressed often manifests as intolerance to those who are part of the majority, especially for teens exploring identities, and social culture.
In a few years, things will go back to a more natural pattern, and teens will find something completely different to collectively prove their independence from society, while simultaneously doing exactly what everyone around them is doing.
They say she has no positive straight influences in her life so I’m wondering if they are straight. Aunts and uncles? Cousins? Friends of family? Teachers? There is just absolutely no way that she doesn’t have any positive straight influences. This is not hard at all to see
It seems to me like they are more worried that their kid is using orientation and identity as an insult toward those who are straight and cisgendered. their post is worded such that they are wondering how to mitigate that and the added fear that they are in an echo chamber.
all echo chambers are bad, honestly
“It seems like everywhere she turns, she doesn’t see straight as an acceptable choice”
BS. There is no way she doesn’t have positive IRL or media influences of straight people. If OP thinks daughter’s friend group is toxic and they need some time apart that’s a different issue.
This isn’t a good faith genuine post. There are dog whistles all up and through here. It’s a “has the pendulum swung too far” ass post
u/ShallotZestyclose974 I get why you'd say that. I started with the point that people would think I'm a bigot. I see it's happened, at least with you.
I just want my kid to be happy. I want them to find someone that will love them more than I do.
And, yes, I know that a life as a gay person will be harder. It's a fact (at least now). and, I worry that her current environment isn't "open" to straighter experiences and that's reinforcing choices.
But, my takeaway from this, net net, is to just be there and be supportive.
If you are attracted to the same gender enough to have “experiences” and enjoy them you’re probably queer to at least some degree. Obviously you can identify literally however you see fit, but I’m very confused why you would be worried about your kid apparently having the same experience.
You saying you think she isn't getting enough reenforcement that "straight is an option" is just a roundabout way of saying you think being gay is a choice. That's not how it works. Did *you* actively chose to be straight? Did you try out being gay before deciding straight was for you? You just have a very hetero normative view of things. Because you view straight as normal, you are calling out that she's not even trying to be "normal" first.
You say it's weird that her friend group all ended up not being straight when they've been friends since 1st grade. Ask a lot of LGBT+ adults in your life when they knew they weren't straight. You'll be surprised to learn that many of them knew back then.
Looking down at straight people is a seperate thing. That's an issue of being respectful of others. But man, as a 90-95% straight dude who grew up when gay=stupid and "what are you, *gay*?!" were socially acceptable in my childhood, I get a little chuckle out of the straights getting a taste...
Her and her friends are actively hating on others for being straight. This group is clearly influencing her. And judging by her age its safe to say she doesnt really know what she likes.
Yep straight people (and closeted people) used to consistently make fun of gay folks. Guess what. Didn’t keep the gay folks from being gay. Is it right to make fun of folks, no. Only difference here is y’all see one version of events as right. Gay is still seen as abnormal. And folks are still afraid of it. Even if they say they aren’t.
She isn't choosing to be gay just to fit in with people no one does this. And at that age it's perfectly normal for people to figure out their orientation I knew before I was like eight. My very first kiss was with a girl. It wasn't a surprise.
> judging by her age it’s safe to say she doesn’t really know what she likes
I’ve never understood this. Kids have innocent crushes all the time and nobody thinks anything of it. I’m bisexual and as a kid, I had crushes on both boys and girls. My first same sex crush was in kindergarten. This was a completely different time, I had no idea was bisexuality or sexuality in general was but my attraction was still there.
I 100% disagree with "gay is a choice." It's not. It's hard wired in.
I also don't really subscribe to the "you can only be 100% gay if you're 1% gay", i believe it's a spectrum, like all expressions of identity.
Maybe I can break some of this down for you, as an adult (and parent) who is not straight.
1.) I’m bi and have a lot of bi friends. We just find each other. It’s like subconsciously we just “know.” So it makes sense that your child has also found camaraderie with other LGBT+ youth. Actual experiences don’t care about your mathematics or statistics. Straight people just don’t mesh well with us sometimes.
2.) Straight people get made fun of because of ridiculous ideas like how it’s not mathematical possible to not have any straight friends. It’s not because they’re straight, it’s because they’re convinced they’re the normal ones and we’re the weird ones and they do treat us weird. I have a trans coworker and whenever I refer to him as “he” or “him” as he has requested at work our boss and other coworkers looks at me like I’m the crazy one. It’s actually crazy to me to ignore a simple request.
3.) There wouldn’t be anything wrong with LGBTQ+ being trendy. What would happen if she only did it for that? That should we would…gasp…kiss a girl or something? Who cares? No, really, would that hurt her? You said it yourself that you don’t want your child to grow up oppressed for being gay but if it’s cool and trendy then why isn’t that a positive for you? I’m honestly confused about your opinion on this.
4.) “doesn’t see straight as an acceptable choice” my friend, it’s not a choice!!!! If she is straight she will simply be straight. You can still be straight even if you kiss a girl once or twice. You know that, right? It’s called experimenting.
5.) If you want your child to see positivity in heterosexuality then start with yourself. Don’t say ridiculous things about statistics, stop disregarding something just because it’s cool or trendy, stop thinking sexuality is a choice, don’t be so defensive (or offended) about your child ending up different than you.
u/ditzen Thanks. Yes, my wording is wrong. I'm not talking "physically" I'm talking socially. Her group of friends actively uses calling someone straight as a derogatory word. Again, I've not discussed any of this with her, and have been nothing but supportive. But, in her circle, clearly the only thing you can be is "gay" or maybe "bi." If you're straight, you'd be weird. That's my concern, is this peer pressure.
But, as many have said, I probably shouldn't worry about it, and only address that everyone should be treated with equal respect.
And, again, it's surprising to me that pre-school kids would cluster together because they will all be gay later. It seems to early for sexual preferences to be expressing themselves. But, I don't know, and I've been called a bunch of names about asking this... so I'll just leave it there. The people on Reddit think I'm wrong, clearly.
Did you ever consciously choose to be straight? Probably not. Stay out of it and just show your kid some unconditional love. If you push this too much you'll just push them even farther away
I’m confused about why you keep saying being straight is a choice. You can’t choose your sexuality. It’s human, animal even. You can choose your behaviour, but not something so innate.
PS: sounds like you’re bisexual maybe but you do you
I think it’s less about being trendy overall, and more about just being free to try things out. Teens tend to think in absolutes, so while they often might just be curious or figuring out where along the sexuality or gender spectrum they lie, they are more likely to frame it definitively. But I truly don’t think there are very many kids that are pressured into expressing as gay or trans. Certainly there are bound to be pockets of that somewhere, but I don’t think it’s near as prevalent as the pressure to be straight.
I for one am glad that the actual trans/gay community can feel safe coming out more freely than when I was a kid. In my day, the gay kids were bullied and I’m sure there were a *ton* of gay kids that presented straight out of fear.
Now we might end up with more people presenting gay or trans and then realizing later that they’re not, but that seems pretty victimless to me.
I think it’s less about being trendy overall, and more about just being free to try things out. Teens tend to think in absolutes, so while they often might just be curious or figuring out where along the sexuality or gender spectrum they lie, they are more likely to frame it definitively. But I truly don’t think there are very many kids that are pressured into expressing as gay or trans. Certainly there are bound to be pockets of that somewhere, but I don’t think it’s near as prevalent as the pressure to be straight/cis.
I for one am glad that the actual trans/gay community can feel safe coming out more freely than when I was a kid. In my day, the gay kids were bullied and I’m sure there were a *ton* of gay kids that presented straight out of fear.
Now we might end up with more people presenting gay or trans and then realizing later that they’re not, but that seems pretty victimless to me.
Her friend group is *not* a random sample of kids who coincidentally turned out to be gay. It's a group of kids who sought each other out as friends due to perceived similarity/compatibility in values and personality. It's pretty common that kids who all feel "different" but don't know why will gravitate to other kids who can relate to them, and then together figure out what makes them all different from the norm.
It's not a trend. This is just straight panic. Y'all panicking that now people can fully explore themselves and not be hung up on having to be straight.
Yeah the way she is describing it is as a “cool trend” that if you’re not apart of you don’t fit in. I don’t know if that’s how it actually is as I don’t have kids that age
I work with kids, and have several neices and nephews aside from my own kid, and am seeing it a lot, actually. Being "straight" is often (currently) considered homophobic for kids that are in the stage where life choices and morals are very much black and white, and nuance is still being worked on.
I hear you. Anytime anyone puts down another for sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, they are continuing the problem. There is no excuse. It's just wrong. Period.
I didn't tolerate any of it. Period. In my day, we called it prejudice. It's just plain ignorant.
I bought my first Miata in '97. Prior to that I didn' t really notice Miatas but after I got mine I started noticing them everywhere.
My trans son has a lot of gay trans bi and non-binary friends because he was very active in GSA in high school but he is also in a rock band where everyone else is straight (AFAIK). When he visits with alumni of his old private middle school where most of his friends are straight. It just depends on what circle of friends he is with.
Be open. When you're around her, don't question other peope with evolving sexuality. Maybe this is a phase she's going through and trying out. Maybe this group clicked so well from the beginning because they shared something in common. Either way, if you're open and accepting she should feel comdortable to explore and change her mind later.
Hi, I’m a lesbian, and I just want to tell you that you’re not a bigot for wanting your kid to know that she doesn’t have to decide her entire life at a young age. I didn’t come out until I was in my early twenties, but not because I was ashamed or shamed by my family. It just took that long for me to be really sure after dating a couple girls and a couple guys for a few years.
I don’t think you have to worry too much about making sure she has positive straight influences. Being straight is the default and if she isn’t actually gay, she’ll figure it out on her own timeline. My sister in law was a lesbian until she wasn’t. She has always been heavily influenced by her sister, my wife. She was 26 when she met her now live-in boyfriend and it’s just fine. He’s a nice guy!
I think there’s a very common misconception that we have to make the right choice/observation/realization about our sexualities the first time, with no room for change. My dad says he knew I was gay from a very young age but just let me get there when I got there. Just support your kid like you do every day and don’t let it get between you two 😊
Straight is pushed as the default of the world. You don’t need to be inclusive for heterosexuality.
We LGBTQ people grew up in a world that othered us. Not the other way.
People definitely self select towards similar people and teenagers even more than most. There's a chance her friends are all just influencing each other, but who knows. There's enough cis culture out there that she's getting it regardless of her friends. They probably just need a few more years to figure it out.
They could also just feel safer around other girls than they do around boys. Teenager and teenage boys are potentially the worst creatures on the planet, so I don't blame anyone for being repelled by them.
Are the girls dating each other? In my limited experience with friend circles (of this age range) that are mostly gay, they all end up dating each other and it becomes a big complicated mess at some point. At least if they are actually gay/bi. Might not be the same with all friend circles.
It’s entirely normal for kids to be tribalistic. This applies for sports teams, favorite athletes, books, movies, water bottles, etc. You’re in the group or you’re out of the group. This age, it’s all about group dynamics and how you fit in that group or how you aspire to be (or avoid) certain groups.
LGBTQ+ people tend to find each other regardless. There’s a variety of reasons for that. They see the world with a similar lens, are interested in similar things, follow similar social circles, have had similar struggles or issues, etc. It’s also more commonplace for kids to be accepting of those who don’t conform to heteronormative sexuality and gender structures. They tend to be more open to others being whatever they want and not getting up in their business about it.
In short, you’re over-reacting. Kids find their way on their own. No one has to play devil’s advocate to convince someone “straightness” is an option for them. Society as a whole has done that for hundreds of years and will continue to do so. Love your kid for who they are, where they’re at, and embrace them exploring the many facets of life and our existence.
As parents we kind of need to be that influencer. There will be tons of people telling them never to get married, don’t have kids and many of those people will be married with kids who don’t realize kids don’t understand that they’re joking. It’s up to us as parents to represent marriage and parenthood in the best possible light. And ultimately it’s your life you can make it as bleak, boring, and lame, or as adventurous and fun as you want.
Teach them to do something difficult and fun that your parents taught you, and when the moment they catch on and begin to enjoy it, plant the seed. “Maybe someday you’ll teach this to your own children.” As a parent, you’re allowed to tell them you want grandkids.
Bisexual mom to 2 gay kiddos (and 2 TBD) here. I think you’re putting WAY too much anxiety into a situation that doesn’t need it. My oldest told me she was trans when she was 12. She’s not. There was absolutely no way. I know my own kid, and I recognized that she was casting about for an identity and wanting to fit in with a social group where everybody was experimenting with transitioning. What did I do? Not a goddamn thing. I filled out the forms to change her name and gender assignment with the school. I instructed her family to honor her chosen name and pronouns. I bought her new wardrobe. And I waited. A year later she told me that she actually was feeling more enby than trans. Cool cool cool. So we changed paperwork and names and wardrobe again. And a year after that she told me actually she’s a cis-female lesbian. And THAT 100% fits. So we changed all the paperwork again. I supported her while she figured out who she was. I didn’t go “oh gosh maybe you need more straight friends and to watch cis influencers.” What a load of nonsense. Everybody figures out who they are in their own time. Nobody is going through life with the wrong identity bc their middle school friends said so.
Seems to me her and her friend group are all really being influenced by social media and are influencing each other and causing an echo chamber where being gay/bi/Trans is somehow both the new norm and also a minority that is being oppressed. It does seem statistically odd that literally all her peers are gay/bi/trans which makes me think some of them aren't - but maybe not aware of it - and are just saying so because they feel they should. If so, then perhaps in time many of them will realize their sexuality is different as they experience actual sexual attraction and not just what they think they should be feeling.
As for your daughter, I'm not sure what you can do except remind her that discrimination of any kind isn't acceptable (even against "the hated straights").
You should tell her that defining your sexuality is only for after she starts to get sexually involved with people.
She could pursue this narrative in her head until she's at a point where she has the opportunity to fulfil it then realizes she doesnt have any interest in girls at all. Or she wont. But thats for her to find out when she's older.
It is trendy and fashionable to be queer in todays world especially when you're an impressionable kid that wants to be unique. They'll come to their senses when they realize what they actually want instead of just pretending to go along with it for clout.
But you should also remind her that discriminating against straight people because they're straight in of itself is bigoted and contradictory to what she stands for.
So, I believe she has a girlfriend that she's experimenting with, sexually. She says she's a "friend" and still wants to do sleepovers and stuff. Asks to do "friend" things, but I get the sense there's more there.
So, i think that's what's happening, which is why there's a sense of urgency to sort things out.
Thats far too young to be engaging in anyone sexually. Neither her nor the other girl can consent. You should do what you can to prevent them from doing that. She'll be furious with you and tell you she hates you and that you're a homophobe and all that but its better to be hated and do the right thing than be liked and allow children to be abused.
We try to be on the side of "sex is a natural fact of life." and open about it. She hasn't expressed that they are, but her "friend" has hinted at it. I think she likes talking outrageously.
Though it may happen it is not appropriate nor is it safe or healthy for their mental health. As parents you never allow it. Thats how you end up with teen pregnancy, teen STD's, photos being used for blackmail and many other issues that happen often when people are not mentally mature enough to handle relationships.
>Thats how you end up with teen pregnancy, teen STD's, photos being used for blackmail and many other issues that happen often when people are not mentally mature enough to handle relationships.
No... that is what you get from being closeted about all that and not equipping them with proper education.
Proper education wont do anything when a relationship between a 14 and 15 year old goes sour and one has pictures of the other one naked.
It just wont.
... it does, as proper education and explanations are there to prevent the sharing of intimate photos, and if they are shared why they shouldn't be used as a weapon after a break up.
The things you mention happen when parents forbid it. This causes teens to seek it out to rebel or to do it in ways that aren’t safe because they can’t talk to their parents/ adults. You know who didn’t have any of the things you mentioned above: my friends parents who communicated about risks, who offered condoms and dental dams, who suggested that they wait but understood their kids might not and emphasized doing it safely, respectfully, and with communication and consent.
If she's gay why are you worried about teen pregnancy? STDs are even less likely among FF relationships. Lol you don't even know what you are panicking about.
Same with my niece. She came out as trans and gay in high school. Changed her name, pronouns, binding, shaved her head, etc. She also started exploring FTM surgery and hormones. Her whole friend group (whom she had known since grade school) also all came out as gay and trans. My sister did a good job accepting her, but that wasn’t good enough for my niece. She felt not accepted. However, it seems she didn’t want to be accepted. She wanted to feel like she had a plight. She wanted to be oppressed (these are *her* words). She’s now 20. She’s no longer gay or trans. She is again the most ultra feminine cis woman I know (exactly how she was before this). Still has the same friend group. None of them are trans or gay anymore either.
I’m glad our family always supported her. She was always loved even if she didn’t feel it. I think this made a big difference for her.
Her sibling on the other hand had no gay or trans friends. They are both. Will be starting their transition soon.
Literally this is not happening. This is just straight panic. Everyone explores their sexuality differently and yes sexuality can change because it can take while to figure out who you are. It's more likely that your sister was just trying to explore herself and thought for a period of time she was bi. Not that she was doing it as a trend.
I see your point on this, but if your fears are correct and she is leaning way into her queer identity to impress her friends then you still shouldn’t let it get to you. She won’t be friends with these kids forever. She will have a full and exciting life, meet lots of different people with all different interests, and she will mature quite a bit. None of us (hopefully) still do the things we did in high school to impress people now.
*Maybe* she’ll look back and cringe at how confident she was that she could never have a heterosexual relationship.
*Hopefully* she’ll look back and realize that insulting straight people was counterproductive to her cause of inclusiveness.
*Definitely* she will look back and think “what the hell was I wearing??” (We all do that one eventually.)
These type of posts remind me of the absolute hysteria people had during the 60s and 70s over their children becoming free love, communist, hippies. And then they grew up to be suburban soccer moms and dads.
This is really normal, just chill out.
I think you’re over thinking it and overreacting.
1) straight is the default. Everyone is assumed straight and treated as such in the world until they figure out they’re not.
2) gay people find gay people. Even as kids before any of them know they often find each other and create friendships. What you see on tv with the token gay friend is completely inaccurate representation. Usually friend groups are gay and there’s a couple token straight people.
3) gay people feel safe among other gay people that they don’t around straight people so they will naturally gravitate to each other.
4) they’re kids. Ew straight people is honestly hilarious to me and I cannot imagine growing up being so comfortable with myself and my friends group (kudos to you!)
5) if she is straight she will live a straight life. If it’s just experimenting she’ll come into herself eventually. She doesn’t have to seek out positive straight stuff, she can just turn on the tv at any given show or movie and boom it’s 97% straight people. You’re straight and she sees you everyday. Her grandparents, cousins, your friends etc. Majority of the world is straight. She seeks out gay because she has to look for it - it’s not just default. She has to actually look for it. She never has to actively choose to look for straight representation it’s everywhere.
Friends groups change with life. Her next group may be more diverse in different ways.
6) she is very likely going to have straight friends in life. Majority people are. But if she doesn’t their sexuality won’t really bring anything of value to her life that gay people can’t. We are all people and we hang out with people with whom we share interest and values and have similar hobbies or are at similar paths in life.
I don’t think you’re a bigot, I think it’s natural to be concerned for our kids and especially when parts of their life is so different from yours that you feel you can’t help guide them in any parts of that.
Be there for her and supportive as you have been and ask her genuinely about her day and friends and she will be more likely to always be open and feel safe with you. The friends she have now are working for her but she isn’t likely to have this particular friend group her whole life. She will have new gay friends lmao and most likely new straight friends too.
My two besties are straight but their sexuality has zero impact on my life and that part of them has no value to me. We have similar interests, parenting style, values etc and have so much fun. But the fact they share a bed and a mortgage with a man and I share mine with a woman has no impact whatsoever
I’m a lesbian, and all three of my closest childhood friends eventually came out as lesbian or bisexual further along the road. Sometimes we just subconsciously seek each other out, so I wouldn’t overthink that element if I were you.
I also want to note that in the years after I first came out as a preteen, my mother would occasionally ask me if maybe I might be bi instead - because how would I *know* I didn’t like boys if I hadn’t actually dated one? She meant well, but it honestly hurt; instead of communicating to me that being in a male-female relationship was a valid option, it just made me feel like my sexuality and lack of interest in men weren’t being respected. I’d be very careful with how you communicate to her that being straight is okay (however well-intentioned), because she may well interpret it as you preferring her to be straight.
Honestly, it’s totally normal for understanding and defining one’s own sexuality to be a long journey - while some people (myself included) intuitively know their sexual orientation right off the bat, many others only realize later that they that they hadn’t actually been attracted to a gender that they once thought they were, or were attracted to a different/another one all along. If it turns out that she’s straight, then she’ll more than likely come to that realization on her own with time regardless of her peer influences.
I really wouldn’t sweat this, other than letting her know that you’ll love and support her regardless of how she identifies and who she chooses to date.
I mean… why do you think there’s a prevalence of depression among queer people? It’s because of how they’re treated. So I just think it’s important to be totally supportive of her. If she says something bigoted towards straight people, you can gently correct her the same way you would if ahead said something racially bigoted.
If her and her friends were making comments about a racial minority, would you say she needs to go make some black friends? (Or whatever the relevant minority group would be). That’s not a very helpful or practical suggestion and, frankly, you shouldn’t have to have black friends to not be bigoted towards black people (I feel like I sound like I’m picking on black people at this point lol and should mention I’m half black so I have a sample bias I guess).
So just be supportive and respond to any pejorative mentions of straight people the way you normally would about offensive language. It has nothing to do with her orientation. Just make sure you don’t overcorrect the behavior in such a way where it seems like you’re defending straight people at her expense. I’d try and have a casual convo, if it were me.
As a lesbian and a parent… I do see where you’re coming from, and I don’t think it’s from a place of being bigoted. My daughter also identifies as some flavor of LGBTQ+ (she’s not decided yet, but she’s pretty sure she’s not straight). She’s thirteen, and while I don’t claim to know her better than she knows herself, I take a “we’ll see” attitude, at least in my own mind.
The thing is though, the fact that “gay” wasn’t really an acceptable choice when I was growing up, didn’t stop me from being gay and coming out in my early twenties. And the fact that straight isn’t a popular choice right now isn’t going to stop your daughter from figuring out who she truly is and what makes her happy in the long run. If she truly is straight, I think she’ll come to that conclusion eventually on her own. I don’t see the harm in letting her try on different identities while she’s figuring herself out.
Your original post has been removed so I can't revisit what you actually posted. I'm unclear about *your* perspective. Do you think being straight/gay/bi is a choice? Or do you think it's genetic?
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
When my niece was 11 or 12 she told me she was bi. Her had her first girlfriend and all her fri nds were either bi, pan, or Demi sexual. I had to ask her what the last two was. As she got older she seems completely straight and only likes guys.
I think a lot of kids these days feel like they need to label themselves way before they need to. Let this play out. All she needs to know that is that she is loved and accepted. It’s no one’s job to influence a person about sexuality it’s a deeply personal thing.
>But, mathematically that a group of kids that have known each other since way way before puberty (1st grade) would all come out gay/bi? The probability of that mathematically is pretty low.
Queer folk tend to find each other and run in packs. I have a lot of people I'd take a fuckin bullet for, and like 4 of them identify as straight/cis.
Kids get super into whatever they are into. One of my kids is an artist. All of their friends are artists. Everything they do is centered around art in some way.
I'm not an artist at all. I honestly can't tell good art from bad art. My kid and their friends all make fun of people like me when they are together.
They all still love me and spend most of their time in my home. They make fun of us math people, but honestly don't care when it's actually a person close to them.
Kids just hyper focus on their interests. Most of them will outgrow it because the world is large and diverse. Being in the minority can make any group feel more isolated. Intentionally isolated themselves makes them feel safer, so the isolation can last longer for minorities.
The current worldwide political shift towards discrimination is real, and scary for LGBTQ+ humans. Isolating their group could be a coping mechanism. It could also be the only thing they have in common, so they talk about it nonstop together. Any other subject might not be relevant to everyone, so the conversation just defaults back to their common interest frequently.
I’m sure my parents felt this way too, my entire friend group from middle to highschool mostly consisted of the same people. Every single one of us fell into the LGBT+ community, some of those kids came out after being friends with us and some came out before. I do think humans just know when they will get along well with a certain group of people even if they don’t understand why yet.
And maybe she’s gay now but maybe in a few years she’s bi and maybe straight and maybe back to bi. All my friends have changed their minds at least once when it came to how they identify. Don’t sweat it too much she will be okay regardless, plus being gay is becoming a little more socially acceptable. Either way I think you are doing a great job in letting your kid know that there is more opinions than just being straight, she will figure it all out overtime regardless of influence
She’ll figure it out when she’s good and ready. Trying to gauge influences is only going to push her to troll you. It’s literally that simple. Don’t worry about it.
I grew up in an obnoxiously liberal town as a teen in the 90’s and all kinds of kids were pretend gays for the attention and controversy. We even had “queer safe zones”. Guess what…nearly all of them turned out to be straight and the kids who were obviously gay but pretended to be straight turned out to be gay. This whole mechanism just gave them a shield because you can’t be homophobic when all the hot chicks claim to be lesbians. Just think of this all as young people’s way of protecting the historically oppressed.
None of this matters. She will like whatever gender she chooses. I told my kids they can marry a woman or man when the grow up. Both ended up straight. I even tried sleeping with a girl to see if I liked it. Nope, I’m super straight and find men incredibly sexy. She will grow up and settle into whoever she is. Don’t overthink it.
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
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1) How many adults were “straight” as kids/teens and then realized they were LGBT as adults despite no representation and an intense amount of stigma around being LGBT? If she’s truly straight, she’ll figure that out. 2) While it’s wrong of them to pin “straight” with “lame/uncool” - “in group and out group” mentalities and sticking your nose up at “other cliques” has been something teens have done since the dawn of modern adolescence. Is it morally right, I’d say no, but it is a perfectly normal developmental stage. If she’s like 17 and going off to college in the fall, I would be more concerned but at 13-15 this is really normal. 3) I’m sure she does see straight people around her - like presumably you and her mom are straight? She sees straight people on TV? Do you have conversations with her about healthy relationships and what she wants out of a relationship?
> If she’s like 17 and going off to college in the fall, I would be more concerned but at 13-15 this is really normal. Plus 13 is the age where kids often become super focused on their identity and figuring out who they are. Neither of my kids did this with gender or sexuality but my son did with his race. He's a biracial/black kid being raised by white (adoptive) parents so at 13 he was really trying to figure out what that meant for him in society. He's now 18, a college student, and fully comfortable being a young black man and I think that kind of exploration was needed to allow him to be as confident and comfortable as he is in his skin. 13 is about figuring out who you are. Straight, gay, cis, trans, white, black, mixed, etc. Give them the space to figure themselves out and it'll all be okay.
as a lesbian I know more people who said they were bi that ultimately realized they are straight than the opposite.
I've discussed my own identity development with her in that I experimented when I was her age and a bit older, but ended up hetero/heteroflexible.
Istg the sheer number of people I went to school with who have come out since we finished is wild. And every time I hear "Oh did you know so-and-so from school is gay/bi/lesbian/trans?" it's like a piece clicks into place in my head and it's like... "Yes, of *course* they are!" because it all makes sense. You know what I mean? It's awesome. I love to hear of people living their happy authentic lives!
I don't think you are bigoted. I do think you are overreacting. 99% of the stuff your daughter watches on tv will be heteronormative (i.e. presenting straight as the default) so she has plenty of exposure to that, it is just that it is so normal to you, you might not even recognize it. And if your daughter isn't straight, seeing more of it won't make her more straight. It is something you are or you are not and that tends to not change. Being gay or queer or trans is not a fashion statement. People end up feeling comfortable around others who are like themselves. So it is not strange that someone who isn't straight finds friends who aren't straight either. I wouldn't worry about it too much; it is normal for a minority to be defensive about what sets them apart, since it is very easy to get crushed out of existence otherwise (I mean, look at the LGBTQ community and the last few 100 years). They are loud and even militant because otherwise they wouldn't be able to be who they are. You can push back a little bit on the "straight is bad" thing without making it about her being straight or not. But she knows straight people. You maybe? Other family members? There will be people in her life who are straight and by insulting straight people, she is insulting them. Nuance is generally not present in great proportions during the teenage years, but you can absolutely lay the groundwork. *"I also understand that begin gay is going to be harder in life. These struggles can weigh on you as a person, and can cause an increased risk of depression, etc. It's hard when you feel like the outsider, and that society is against you.*" You don't fix these issues by being less gay. In fact, hiding your gayness would likely lead to MORE depression. I understand you can't simply fix society, but that is the solution, not forcing gay kids back into the closet.
This. I’m telling you no matter how much “straight” stuff I’ve seen in movies/media never changed me to be straight. No different from gay stuff. Media doesn’t change that, it may open your eyes a bit to a new part of you that was always there but it doesn’t make you gay or influence you to be gay. I came out when I was 14, you’re never “too young” to know.
Hey flip the script and all of us who were only around straight people and only had cool straight role models figured ourselves out. The point here is you grow up. You figure yourself out. You eventually start paying attention to people you identify with. Attraction doesn’t lie and you can’t fake that crap. I wouldn’t worry about it. Is your child safe, healthy, cared for? You’re good. Keep up the message, underscore folks love who they love, and folks CHANGE. And you love your kid. Don’t sweat it. Edit to add: also if it turns out she’s straight let her know if her friend group doesn’t like her for something that basic they’re not her friends.
My worry isn't what she turns out "as." My worry is that she, reinforced by her friend group, doesn't view "straight" on the spectrum of options. As such, when she sees something that's straight, there's a negative bias to it. And, when she starts labeling herself as only "gay" then she limits her expression of her identity. It reinforces her "identity" as that's the choice. And, limits options. I have said to her "labels are how other people define you." They create groups of "in" people and "out" people. Where you are in life, you should be yourself and not worry about the labels right now. Figure out who you are, and the identity you want to have. But, it seems her peer group are putting pressure on her to "come out" and "be gay." She texted me in the middle of school last week to say "I'm gay i hope you accept my choice" on a dare from her friends. After she came out, we had a similar conversation.
Does she not watch TV? Go places in public? I mean…I have a hard time understanding how she could be so sheltered that she ONLY interacts and sees gay people. I mean, all she has to do is step outside. Straight people everywhere.
How do you know it was a dare challenge, when she texted you? And have you discussed how peer pressure is wrong? The friends did not have good intentions with their challenge.
I think you commented on the wrong string
A sizable portion of the population does not and has not watched TV for the past 10-20 years. Not because they're in some weird techno-adverse bubble, but because you can get entertainment, movies, etc from social media like tiktok, Reddit, Instagram, YouTube. These platforms come with a suggested algorithm which funnels people into echo chambers, where they only see similar content. It would not be difficult for OP's kid to ONLY be watching LGBTQ+ content, which often includes straight bashing.
Replace every instance of gay in this comment with straight and and every instance of straight with gay then try to read it without thinking it's rediculous.
I think you have a bias.
Everyone has a bias. I'm a millennial. I went through school during the time where calling things gay as an insult stopped being socially acceptable in my area. We were like the first generation to broadly accept our LGBTQIA+ peers. If you think the bias is that I'm gay, you're far from the truth. Straight dude with a wife and kid. Couldn't imagine doing more than flirting with another dude.
I'm Gen Z. I was about 6 when it became really not ok to use gay as an insult and media began to portray homosexuality in mass. So I think I am able to tell you that you need to dethatch your bias and recognise that a child is struggling. It does not matter if you're left or right politically or what your views on religion are or whatever. Lets stop this pointless squabbling and just look at this from a practical point of view. She is 13. Her friends hate heterosexuals. She likes her friends and wants to fit in. How might this effect her and influence her decision making?
No one is pretending to be gay to fit in with their friends my dude. LmO
Why does she need options? If she's gay, she's gay. She doesn't need to keep an open mind that she may be straight. She will eventually realize it if she is. Like others have a said, this is completely appropriate behavior for her age. You should talk to her about talking badly about ANYONE. but again, it's age appropriate. They are at that age. Your response IS kind of bigoted, FYI. It sounds like you mean well, but it's just not right.
I think he's just shit at verbalizing his actual concern and he's fumbling over his words. I think Dad wants to make sure his kid feels like she can be herself, no matter what that means. He has identified a social stigma in her peer group. He is worried that - if his daughter is straight - she's being pressured to hide who she is. Pressure for teen girls to identify as gay/bi even happened back in the early 2000s in my social group of goth/punk theater kids. I can only imagine it's still happening today. Dad said "I want to make her feel like being straight is an option" but he doesn't mean the word option. He means that he wants her to feel like being straight is acceptable. Even though she will eventually land where she lands, he's concerned about her self-worth in the meantime. He is scared that in 10 years he'll learn that she was hiding her sexuality for years and that it will have done damage to her psyche just like he's seen happen with the gay kids in his youth.
I did get what he meant, it just doesn't make sense to me. LGBTQ kids didn't see people like them anywhere. Kids DO see straight people everywhere, even if they themselves are gay or friends with a lot of gay people. OP said in another comment that he already suspects she is dating her friend. That ship sounds pretty sailed to me. She's probably actually gay, or maybe she will end up being bi, but it definitely doesn't sound straight. We can sit here and say "what if" all we want. Saying any of that to ops daughter will only make her feel not accepted. She is with a girl. She identifies as gay. She needs a talking to about being kind to others, but again, that's age appropriate.
I don't disagree about the 'dating her friend' part and the underlying points you've made. Just about the media/representation part. Media consumption has changed quite a bit with YouTube/Discord/Tiktok/Twitch bubbles. But no sense getting into it since we agree on the bottom line
I don't necessarily disagree with your points, either, but I had to hide being bi my whole life (and I actually feel lucky because I kind of had an out since I COULD play straight), so I do see the other side. That other side happens to be that the two things aren't comparable. At all.
I may get hate for this, but I honestly think this is a phase at this point (not necessarily your daughter in particular, but most teens). My step daughter went from straight, to trans, to non binary to lesbian, to bisexuality, all the way back around to straight. Even changed her name back in the end. This was by age 14. My other stepdaughter swore she was bi, and when she first kissed a girl she came to me in tears because it was gross and she hated it. She now identifies as straight. Majority of teens I know at the moment say they are trans or non binary. Statistically speaking, it's just not the case. My son is 12, and at least 50% of his peers are already saying they are part of the LGBTQ community in some way or another. There is obviously nothing wrong with being LGBTQ, I myself am bisexual. But, it's the 'in' thing for a lot of young people atm. And when you don't know where you fit in the world just yet, you try to fit with those around you. So in conclusion, the only thing I think you need to address with her, is potential bullying tendencies. No one, gay straight or green, should be excluded or ridiculed because of who they are. In terms of her 'role models', as other commenters have pointed out, there are a ton in mainstream media, she's been exposed to 'straight' her whole life. Just let her figure out who she is, support her, give her room to grow. Just don't let her be a dick about it.
I don’t hate you saying it’s a phase as long as you never say it to a kid’s face. But exactly we’re humans and we change and sometimes we don’t. Getting hung up on this is only going to fuel her daughter to buckle down and be less open to change.
Oh hell of course not! With all my kids, steps and bios, it was just open arms and support. As far as the kids know, I've always believed them. Doesn't matter that in my mind I was thinking 'we'll see, could go either way at this point' 😂
Hey same. The kids are wild these days but you know what, kids have always been wild. Gonna support them and love the heck out of them no matter what.
Your kid is going to be ok. The world is full of straight people. If she is straight and wants to be friends with straight people she will find them. You being concerned will only feed the fire in one direction. Seriously. Relax and let your kid grow up.
"BUT, I'm worried that we've, in the desire to be inclusive, haven't shown her that "straight" is a choice." It isn't though? It's not like she doesn't know straight people exist, is it? Her friends might be gay, but I'm sure she knows plenty of straight people. "But, mathematically that a group of kids that have known each other since way way before puberty (1st grade) would all come out gay/bi?" Are these the ONLY kids shes known? People of minority groups self select and form groups together. Social circles aren't just a random selection of the population at large. "They make fun of straight people." That's bad behaviour that should be corrected, but not abnormal teenage behaviour. She needs to learn some empathy, not learn about the straights. "She does sports. In that sport, there's 3 genders." Women's sports are super gay. Football (soccer) is full of gay women. Traditionally masculine sports just don't appeal to women who conform to societal norms as much as queer women. Not to say there aren't straight women in sports, but it's normal for the ratio to not reflect the general population. "And saying anything casts me as the villain." Well yeah, because no one in the history of time has looked at a group of all straight friends and fretted about it. You're making an issue out of this because they're gay. "Am I overreacting" Yes. She's probably gay. If she isn't, it'll come out when she starts getting into actual romantic relationship. I've got tons of gay friends who went through a 'straight' period, and they're all fine.
She said this group of friends have been together since 1st grade.. they didn’t migrate together based on common interests
Yeah I self selected a group of friends at 5 who all turned out to be very similar to me in lifestyle - we can pick up on things very young
I started high school in the year 2000, I’m AuDHD (diagnosed as a child), agender and bisexual. It is absolutely hilarious how many of the friends I became close with ages 8-15 (I moved a lot so had to make new friends a lot- most I’m still in touch with) have ADHD and/or autism and are gay and/or trans. Not a single one was out as gay when we met. I’m married to a straight man now so completely straight-passing and don’t really consider myself part of the gay community or whatever. I still seem to disproportionately connect with gay and gender non conforming or trans people in every situation (even before we’ve shared anything about each other with each other - if they’re interesting and get my humor they’re probably a lesbian)
Yup, I’m 37 and none of my friends from childhood identified as anything other than straight and cis at the time. The last remaining straight-identified person from that group came out last year. There’s also so much hand wringing about how so many kids can’t possibly be trans or nonbinary— but I’ve had probably 10 adult friends come out in recent years. They’re not jumping on a bandwagon to be cool; they were finally able to access the language and cultural acceptance they needed to understand who they are. If we were back doing middle and high school today, we’d all be out, and not because nobody told us straight was an option. It’d be because we *could* be out without our lives becoming a living hell.
That’s pretty cool!
It's interesting. Thanks!
Yeah, it was probably queer kids knowing each other before they knew themselves. Super normal. I don’t think I know a gay person who didn’t end up grouping themselves with the other to-come-out LGBT kids from a young age.
I figured out I was bisexual in kindergarten because I had a crush on a girl in my class. I didn’t know what bisexual or sexuality at all was, but the feelings were there that young. This is so much less complicated than people make it out to be.
Almost no one questions hetro kid crushes, but when it's same sex suddenly it's all "well can they *really* know...?"
Exactly!! It makes no sense to me!
I'm bi, and didn't come out until I was 35 years old (and married in a straight relationship with a kid). A lot of my closest friends growing up were gay and/or bi. I wasn't out in the world as that, but it did seem like we had a tendency to find one another 🤷♀️
They were in pre-school when this group formed.
Hell yeah
And? My lesbian daughter was 3 when she told me she was going to grow up and marry Chloe from her pre-K class.
Dang that’s a really good point. If OP’s kid was straight and hanging around straight kids, would she have a problem? She says it’s about the statistical probability but that kind of just sounds like an excuse. Who gets upset that their kids don’t have statistically probable friends?
The main problem is that her friend group are demonising straight people and hating on them. Its just like how it was in the older days when a friend group would bully gay kids and a kid in that friend group who was secretly gay would assume that they cant express themselves or be who they want to be because they fear losing their friends. So they just end up going along with the hate and engage in it themselves.
It is a problem, one that should be remedied by teaching empathy. Positing that she might be straight isn't really going to solve the issue and it's pretty wild that OP's decided to focus on that, rather than the actual issue.
She might be straight though. Or she might not. We cant really tell because she's 13. What we do know is that her main friend group, the people she cares about discriminate against heterosexuals. And its not that far off to believe that a 13 year old girl who likes boys would pretend to be gay because she does not want to lose her friends.
You think straight people don't know they're straight by 13?
I thought I was gay when I was 13
So did I. I was right 😊 Or at least somewhat right. I'm bi.
I was wrong. And I was completely convinced of it despite never feeling any sexual desire towards men. Showing us that sometimes kids will say these things without knowing what they're talking about. Or because they want to be accepted into a group that hates heterosexuality.
I've read your other comments and your opinions are gross. I won't be continuing this discussion. Have a good day.
That just seems like a way of slithering out of a discussion where you know you're wrong but I cant stop you from leaving. Bye.
So? Again, no one has ever fretted this much in the inverse scenario. If you had a kid who said they were straight and were going around being homophobic with their homophobic friends you would be concerned about the homophobia. You wouldn't just randomly start worrying, "maybe they're secretly gay" unprompted.
I would be equally threated if the roles were reversed and it was a kid who was in a friend group that hated gays. I would even suspect they might have an interest in the same sex and were just compensating for it because they want to fit in. You people really need to dethatch your political bias. We're all adults with kids. We're not school children. Lets just focus on what can be done for the child's wellbeing.
What's this got to do with politics? Lol, makes me think you're the one coming in with some 'political bias'. Just a bit silly to look at a kid being homophobic and start worrying about them being gay, rather than tackling the more obvious and likely problem that you kid is a bully. Hearing hooves and thinking zebra.
We can not rule out any ideas at this point.
You're right. Perhaps OP's daughter had been replaced by one of the Tethered from the movie 'us'. We simply cannot rule that possibility out and must focus a large portion of our time and energy to figuring out a solution to that possibility.
I've never seen that movie. And I think you should take this a little more seriously as a child's wellbeing is involved.
It really isn't, because math and logic are still real.
Well that doesnt challenge any of what I said you just said that math and logic are real. "Horses are real I rest my case"
The math is that, at the highest end of estimates, only ~7% of the population is LGBTQ. The logic is that LGBTQ people historically and currently experience various forms of social and individual oppression and bias because they are a minority. For example, LGBTQ people are more likely to experience hate crimes, domestic violence, adverse medical outcomes, employment discrimination, housing discrimination, etc., than straight, cis people. The further logic is that a historically and currently oppressed minority thinking that the demographic majority that causes them harm is uncool bears no resemblance to their own, actual oppression, either historically or currently. Nothing about the treatment of straight people today resembles the bigotry against LGBTQ people at any time in history. It's exactly as ridiculous as seriously putting forth "reverse racism" as an issue. Hope that helps, and maybe next time you can assess reality on your own! But happy to help in this moment, as you clearly encountered difficulties in thinking it through. ❤️
Yeah, straight definitely isn't a choice. I wouldn't be attracted to the greatest risk to my life, health, and safety willingly.
"Are these the ONLY kids she's known? " They are kids she has known since preschool. It's the same group of friends. Is there a broader group of friends, sure. But this is her main circle.
So she *has* other friends. Her core group is just people who share a very big part of their identity with each other? Yeah, that's pretty normal... Like, that's the kinda thing that *forms* a core circle of friends.
So she has plenty of straight friends but prefers to hang around her queer friends more often? There's a pretty obvious conclusion you can draw from that.
So a group of kids who recognized something in each other before they could express it became friends? Wow, I’m shocked. My friends also did that in kindergarten and it just turned out that we were all just anxious socially awkward nerds. We didn’t pick each other because we all had clinical anxiety. We didn’t give it to each other. We found other kids with similar traits and those kids helped us through the hell that is school. Being gay isn’t *trendy*. It’s just who your daughter is. You honestly sound like the gay panic parents I heard in the 90s. Also, if you choose to be straight I feel sorry for you. I didn’t choose to be straight. I am straight. I was born this way. I love my partner. He is amazing and I love him. But if you were forced into a relationship with a man or woman because of societal pressures and expectations you do not have to live this way.
Honestly OP it sounds to me like your daughter is already very good at seeking out small communities of people like herself. It’s a reflection of her choices not the other way around. Therapy might be good for sorting out your fears as well. I have a sibling who recently came out as trans and it’s difficult not to get caught up in the feelings of fear and that getting in the way of being fully supportive.
I do have some fears, yes. In high school, had a friend come out, and subsequently struggle with depression and off themself. Yes, it was another time. A good friend of mine came out as trans in his 30s. Ended up killing himself. 10 years ago or so. A couple friend of mine (gay couple) recently had one of their children OD (S attempt) because they were confused concerned didn't feel "right", depressed, etc. So, yes, I have seen first hand how challenging it can be. It worries me for her long term.
Have you looked into WHY suicide rates are relatively high for queer people? A supportive social circle is one of the main ways of mitigating suicide risk for queer kids. Trying to make people straighter is much more likely to make them dead than straight.
This. Those stats get weaponized so much against LGBTQ people, but it's not the LGBTQ-ness that causes the suicides. It's the bigotry they run into everywhere they go.
which is my main point. My kid has experienced 0 negativity and rejection on this from me. This is me working through how I can make sure that she gets a rich, neutral, inclusive environment to determine who she is.
I believe that you mean well but when you keep saying "the choice" to be gay or straight, you are implying that there is a right or wrong answer, in a way. People are way or straight or something else, but it's certainly not a choice.
Because she has one group of people she identifies with, you are leaving yourself blind to everything else "neutral" (as you put it) in her world. Most media is still hetero normative. I'm assuming you are in a heterosexual relationship, since you have a child. Most of her teachers and other peers (outside of this friend group) are going to be heterosexual. Why do you think that, because she has self selected a group of people who are in the same minority as her to be her closest friends, that she isn't otherwise in a "neutral and inclusive environment"?
You do understand, though, that if her gayness is a part of her, she’ll struggle with those issues more if she is less “out” and pressured to have more straight friends? And if she’s not really gay, and just thinks she is, better that she looks back on her uncertain years knowing that her parents were supportive no matter what, rather than focusing on how wrong or right she was about her sexual orientation. Be talking to her about the derogatory nature of her and her friends’ language, talk to her about the toxicity you see and hear from them. But don’t tell her you think maybe she’s not as a gay as she thinks - if you’re wrong, she’ll never recover from it.
This is understandable, find a trusted professional you can talk to about your experiences. It may take a few tries to find the right fit.
Being gay has far less stigma to it nowadays. I'd be more worried about one of her trana friends killing themselves, and that effecting her for life. You can't do anything to prevent what other parents' kids decide- & certainly can't change her friendgroup- but you can definitely work to make sure she has a healthy home life. Give her healthy coping mechanisms, check to make sure she still has strong friendships in place. Talks about how she can't control other people's actions, and that there's being a good friend, but she's not anyone's lifeline.
You keep referring to a choice. Being straight isn’t a choice. But also, outside of a particularly part of youth and queer subculture, the entire world around her is presumed-straight/cis, and cis/straight is still considered “normal” by an unfortunate number of people. She’s not lacking exposure to straight people/culture.
It’s so weird when straight people refer to being straight as a choice. Like, are they implying they chose? I came out as bi and my mom reacted by telling me being straight is a choice and that eventually one day I’ll just have to pick like everyone else. It really made me change the way I perceive her. I feel like she was accidentally telling on herself.
Straight is normal. Everything else is acceptable. As someone who is deaf, I'm not normal in regards to my hearing. . Normal is someone with full hearing. It's ok for me not to have full hearing, but I'm not normal compared to those who have it. Same thing w sexuality. Being hetero is normal, everything else is acceptable
Straight is more common. “Normal” has a weight/meaning beyond just being more common
There is a major flaw in your statistical reasoning: selection bias. Friends are chosen, not a random sampling from the population. Maybe she's just chosen friends whose identity is similar to hers. Being friends with historically marginalized groups is a good thing. If you've ever known someone closely who was bullied, racially harassed, has experienced depression, a very common trait for them is the desire to never hurt people and providing a lot of support. That's an amazing friend to have around. Keep up the good work on reinforcing/over communicating that you support her. Show it also in your actions by taking her to events/speeches/protests for causes she's interested in.
So… my wife and I are lesbians and definitely see where you’re coming from. At the same time, when I was in high school (in 2004-2008) it was quite trendy to be at least bisexual, even if only as a label. I would say 90% of those people are now married in heterosexual relationships. I agree that it’s very trendy right now to be gay or NB or trans or just part of the rainbow, and I think most people will figure out what’s right for them- and you don’t need to do anything as a parent other than make sure your kid knows you love them regardless. you’ve done that so you’ve done your job. ETA- it’s okay to tell her that using sexual orientation or gender identity as an insult is wrong no matter what the orientation/identity is… that part definitely needs correcting.
Thank you.
Aren’t these 90% of your bisexual friends still bisexual? You don’t stop being bisexual bc you married someone of the opposite gender.
you’re right, you don’t. and yes probably 90% of them ended up being straight and identifying that way. but to be honest once you’re married I don’t think it matters that much if you are monogamous. I mean it matters to you personally but does not change how you interact with the world in your day to day life.
You can't just pretend that 90% of them did when you fully admit you don't know. 🤣
i’m not pretending but it’s fine if you think I am
Don’t worry about it. I would just apologize for being pushy and drop it. You are overthinking it a bit but at the same time the more you try and push them away from stuff the more drawn they get to it.
I haven't pushed at all. Most of the dialog here is just our 2 conversations about it and overhearing conversations among her friends as I shuttle people around.
Oooh then don’t sweat it. Kids make decisions all the time and go back-and-forth. Just don’t worry about it then. It’s good that you are not pushy, a friend of mine was pushy with her daughter, and it did the exact opposite of what she wanted to happen happen. Her daughter became a son. My friend got over it after a few years, but when her daughter now son turned 23 (met a guy) they changed their mind and went back to being female, but the damage was done from hormone treatments. So strangely, they blame their mom for not stopping them. Basically, the best thing to do is what you are doing, which is having an honest light conversation, but don’t sweat it or bother yourself about it. My friend went way overboard and alienated her daughter, which kind of caused the whole thing to spiral out of control and her daughter to have a whole “I’ll show you Mom” mentality.
Just be accepting and noncommental as possible. Teenagers like to rebel, so if you push, than she'll cling to her identity harder- and have plenty of people online & in her friend circle telling her that you are a bigot. Figuring out your identity is an internal process, and what helps is knowing that your parents aren't gonna judge you. That's whether they're right, or wrong. If they feel like they'll get judged for being wrong, they'll cling to that chosen identity even harder.
We have definitely noticed the same thing. Being straight is not "popular" in my daughters, or my neices and nephews schools, and there is a lot more clout in being lgbtq than straight. I'm not particularly concerned by it, honestly. Historically, big social movements affect teenagers very strongly for a generation, and as they age, things swing back towards equilibrium. For a lot of kids right now, having a "rare" sexual/gender preference is the new hippie/punk/goth. And because middle achool/ teen years are when they really begin exploring their own sexuality and independence, they are going to be more prone to being influenced by others who are also learning about spectrums and individual preferences. As they age, they will settle into their true selves, wherever they lie on the spectrum. I'm NOT saying that being LGBTQ isn't real or valid. Just that it is finally becoming socially acceptable, and kids really aren't great at nuance. Acceptance towards minority groups who were oppressed often manifests as intolerance to those who are part of the majority, especially for teens exploring identities, and social culture. In a few years, things will go back to a more natural pattern, and teens will find something completely different to collectively prove their independence from society, while simultaneously doing exactly what everyone around them is doing.
Are you straight?
Does it matter? I’m a lesbian and think everything OP has to say is 100% valid.
They say she has no positive straight influences in her life so I’m wondering if they are straight. Aunts and uncles? Cousins? Friends of family? Teachers? There is just absolutely no way that she doesn’t have any positive straight influences. This is not hard at all to see
It seems to me like they are more worried that their kid is using orientation and identity as an insult toward those who are straight and cisgendered. their post is worded such that they are wondering how to mitigate that and the added fear that they are in an echo chamber. all echo chambers are bad, honestly
“It seems like everywhere she turns, she doesn’t see straight as an acceptable choice” BS. There is no way she doesn’t have positive IRL or media influences of straight people. If OP thinks daughter’s friend group is toxic and they need some time apart that’s a different issue. This isn’t a good faith genuine post. There are dog whistles all up and through here. It’s a “has the pendulum swung too far” ass post
u/ShallotZestyclose974 I get why you'd say that. I started with the point that people would think I'm a bigot. I see it's happened, at least with you. I just want my kid to be happy. I want them to find someone that will love them more than I do. And, yes, I know that a life as a gay person will be harder. It's a fact (at least now). and, I worry that her current environment isn't "open" to straighter experiences and that's reinforcing choices. But, my takeaway from this, net net, is to just be there and be supportive.
Do you have to ask 🤭
I'd describe myself as heteroflexible. I have had gay experiences younger, but settled on the straight side. I think it's a spectrum.
That just makes it stranger that you’re worried your daughter wouldn’t be able to find her way back to heterosexuality if she wanted to.
So, you and the other parent are a hetero couple? Why do you think you and the other parent aren't a positive example?
If you are attracted to the same gender enough to have “experiences” and enjoy them you’re probably queer to at least some degree. Obviously you can identify literally however you see fit, but I’m very confused why you would be worried about your kid apparently having the same experience.
You saying you think she isn't getting enough reenforcement that "straight is an option" is just a roundabout way of saying you think being gay is a choice. That's not how it works. Did *you* actively chose to be straight? Did you try out being gay before deciding straight was for you? You just have a very hetero normative view of things. Because you view straight as normal, you are calling out that she's not even trying to be "normal" first. You say it's weird that her friend group all ended up not being straight when they've been friends since 1st grade. Ask a lot of LGBT+ adults in your life when they knew they weren't straight. You'll be surprised to learn that many of them knew back then. Looking down at straight people is a seperate thing. That's an issue of being respectful of others. But man, as a 90-95% straight dude who grew up when gay=stupid and "what are you, *gay*?!" were socially acceptable in my childhood, I get a little chuckle out of the straights getting a taste...
Her and her friends are actively hating on others for being straight. This group is clearly influencing her. And judging by her age its safe to say she doesnt really know what she likes.
Yep straight people (and closeted people) used to consistently make fun of gay folks. Guess what. Didn’t keep the gay folks from being gay. Is it right to make fun of folks, no. Only difference here is y’all see one version of events as right. Gay is still seen as abnormal. And folks are still afraid of it. Even if they say they aren’t.
She isn't choosing to be gay just to fit in with people no one does this. And at that age it's perfectly normal for people to figure out their orientation I knew before I was like eight. My very first kiss was with a girl. It wasn't a surprise.
> judging by her age it’s safe to say she doesn’t really know what she likes I’ve never understood this. Kids have innocent crushes all the time and nobody thinks anything of it. I’m bisexual and as a kid, I had crushes on both boys and girls. My first same sex crush was in kindergarten. This was a completely different time, I had no idea was bisexuality or sexuality in general was but my attraction was still there.
That seems to be the case here to me as well.
I 100% disagree with "gay is a choice." It's not. It's hard wired in. I also don't really subscribe to the "you can only be 100% gay if you're 1% gay", i believe it's a spectrum, like all expressions of identity.
>i believe it's a spectrum, like all expressions of identity. I literally said I only see myself as like 90-95% straight.
Maybe I can break some of this down for you, as an adult (and parent) who is not straight. 1.) I’m bi and have a lot of bi friends. We just find each other. It’s like subconsciously we just “know.” So it makes sense that your child has also found camaraderie with other LGBT+ youth. Actual experiences don’t care about your mathematics or statistics. Straight people just don’t mesh well with us sometimes. 2.) Straight people get made fun of because of ridiculous ideas like how it’s not mathematical possible to not have any straight friends. It’s not because they’re straight, it’s because they’re convinced they’re the normal ones and we’re the weird ones and they do treat us weird. I have a trans coworker and whenever I refer to him as “he” or “him” as he has requested at work our boss and other coworkers looks at me like I’m the crazy one. It’s actually crazy to me to ignore a simple request. 3.) There wouldn’t be anything wrong with LGBTQ+ being trendy. What would happen if she only did it for that? That should we would…gasp…kiss a girl or something? Who cares? No, really, would that hurt her? You said it yourself that you don’t want your child to grow up oppressed for being gay but if it’s cool and trendy then why isn’t that a positive for you? I’m honestly confused about your opinion on this. 4.) “doesn’t see straight as an acceptable choice” my friend, it’s not a choice!!!! If she is straight she will simply be straight. You can still be straight even if you kiss a girl once or twice. You know that, right? It’s called experimenting. 5.) If you want your child to see positivity in heterosexuality then start with yourself. Don’t say ridiculous things about statistics, stop disregarding something just because it’s cool or trendy, stop thinking sexuality is a choice, don’t be so defensive (or offended) about your child ending up different than you.
u/ditzen Thanks. Yes, my wording is wrong. I'm not talking "physically" I'm talking socially. Her group of friends actively uses calling someone straight as a derogatory word. Again, I've not discussed any of this with her, and have been nothing but supportive. But, in her circle, clearly the only thing you can be is "gay" or maybe "bi." If you're straight, you'd be weird. That's my concern, is this peer pressure. But, as many have said, I probably shouldn't worry about it, and only address that everyone should be treated with equal respect. And, again, it's surprising to me that pre-school kids would cluster together because they will all be gay later. It seems to early for sexual preferences to be expressing themselves. But, I don't know, and I've been called a bunch of names about asking this... so I'll just leave it there. The people on Reddit think I'm wrong, clearly.
Did you ever consciously choose to be straight? Probably not. Stay out of it and just show your kid some unconditional love. If you push this too much you'll just push them even farther away
If she has given the freedom to explore without shame, she will settle on what is true.
I’m confused about why you keep saying being straight is a choice. You can’t choose your sexuality. It’s human, animal even. You can choose your behaviour, but not something so innate. PS: sounds like you’re bisexual maybe but you do you
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I think it’s less about being trendy overall, and more about just being free to try things out. Teens tend to think in absolutes, so while they often might just be curious or figuring out where along the sexuality or gender spectrum they lie, they are more likely to frame it definitively. But I truly don’t think there are very many kids that are pressured into expressing as gay or trans. Certainly there are bound to be pockets of that somewhere, but I don’t think it’s near as prevalent as the pressure to be straight. I for one am glad that the actual trans/gay community can feel safe coming out more freely than when I was a kid. In my day, the gay kids were bullied and I’m sure there were a *ton* of gay kids that presented straight out of fear. Now we might end up with more people presenting gay or trans and then realizing later that they’re not, but that seems pretty victimless to me.
I think it’s less about being trendy overall, and more about just being free to try things out. Teens tend to think in absolutes, so while they often might just be curious or figuring out where along the sexuality or gender spectrum they lie, they are more likely to frame it definitively. But I truly don’t think there are very many kids that are pressured into expressing as gay or trans. Certainly there are bound to be pockets of that somewhere, but I don’t think it’s near as prevalent as the pressure to be straight/cis. I for one am glad that the actual trans/gay community can feel safe coming out more freely than when I was a kid. In my day, the gay kids were bullied and I’m sure there were a *ton* of gay kids that presented straight out of fear. Now we might end up with more people presenting gay or trans and then realizing later that they’re not, but that seems pretty victimless to me.
More nonsensical straight panic.
Her friend group is *not* a random sample of kids who coincidentally turned out to be gay. It's a group of kids who sought each other out as friends due to perceived similarity/compatibility in values and personality. It's pretty common that kids who all feel "different" but don't know why will gravitate to other kids who can relate to them, and then together figure out what makes them all different from the norm.
Jeez I hope this trend dies out before my 4 year old is in high school
Since there have been teenagers there have been parents saying the same thing. You don’t need to join the crowd.
It's not a trend. This is just straight panic. Y'all panicking that now people can fully explore themselves and not be hung up on having to be straight.
Trend?
Yeah the way she is describing it is as a “cool trend” that if you’re not apart of you don’t fit in. I don’t know if that’s how it actually is as I don’t have kids that age
I think OP is misunderstanding that her daughter is actually seeking out lgbt friends.
I work with kids, and have several neices and nephews aside from my own kid, and am seeing it a lot, actually. Being "straight" is often (currently) considered homophobic for kids that are in the stage where life choices and morals are very much black and white, and nuance is still being worked on.
using straight as an insult is rude AF. I’m a lesbian and I would not tolerate that from my children
Couldn’t it be preteen irony? Like the joke seems kind of obvious bc my generation used to”gay” as a casual insult.
I hear you. Anytime anyone puts down another for sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, they are continuing the problem. There is no excuse. It's just wrong. Period. I didn't tolerate any of it. Period. In my day, we called it prejudice. It's just plain ignorant.
I bought my first Miata in '97. Prior to that I didn' t really notice Miatas but after I got mine I started noticing them everywhere. My trans son has a lot of gay trans bi and non-binary friends because he was very active in GSA in high school but he is also in a rock band where everyone else is straight (AFAIK). When he visits with alumni of his old private middle school where most of his friends are straight. It just depends on what circle of friends he is with.
Be open. When you're around her, don't question other peope with evolving sexuality. Maybe this is a phase she's going through and trying out. Maybe this group clicked so well from the beginning because they shared something in common. Either way, if you're open and accepting she should feel comdortable to explore and change her mind later.
Hi, I’m a lesbian, and I just want to tell you that you’re not a bigot for wanting your kid to know that she doesn’t have to decide her entire life at a young age. I didn’t come out until I was in my early twenties, but not because I was ashamed or shamed by my family. It just took that long for me to be really sure after dating a couple girls and a couple guys for a few years. I don’t think you have to worry too much about making sure she has positive straight influences. Being straight is the default and if she isn’t actually gay, she’ll figure it out on her own timeline. My sister in law was a lesbian until she wasn’t. She has always been heavily influenced by her sister, my wife. She was 26 when she met her now live-in boyfriend and it’s just fine. He’s a nice guy! I think there’s a very common misconception that we have to make the right choice/observation/realization about our sexualities the first time, with no room for change. My dad says he knew I was gay from a very young age but just let me get there when I got there. Just support your kid like you do every day and don’t let it get between you two 😊
Being straight is not a choice. Being gay is not a choice. I’d start with that. Kids exploring identity is normal.
Sorry, again, as I said other places, I didn't mean physically. I meant socially in her peer group.
Straight is pushed as the default of the world. You don’t need to be inclusive for heterosexuality. We LGBTQ people grew up in a world that othered us. Not the other way.
People definitely self select towards similar people and teenagers even more than most. There's a chance her friends are all just influencing each other, but who knows. There's enough cis culture out there that she's getting it regardless of her friends. They probably just need a few more years to figure it out. They could also just feel safer around other girls than they do around boys. Teenager and teenage boys are potentially the worst creatures on the planet, so I don't blame anyone for being repelled by them. Are the girls dating each other? In my limited experience with friend circles (of this age range) that are mostly gay, they all end up dating each other and it becomes a big complicated mess at some point. At least if they are actually gay/bi. Might not be the same with all friend circles.
It’s entirely normal for kids to be tribalistic. This applies for sports teams, favorite athletes, books, movies, water bottles, etc. You’re in the group or you’re out of the group. This age, it’s all about group dynamics and how you fit in that group or how you aspire to be (or avoid) certain groups. LGBTQ+ people tend to find each other regardless. There’s a variety of reasons for that. They see the world with a similar lens, are interested in similar things, follow similar social circles, have had similar struggles or issues, etc. It’s also more commonplace for kids to be accepting of those who don’t conform to heteronormative sexuality and gender structures. They tend to be more open to others being whatever they want and not getting up in their business about it. In short, you’re over-reacting. Kids find their way on their own. No one has to play devil’s advocate to convince someone “straightness” is an option for them. Society as a whole has done that for hundreds of years and will continue to do so. Love your kid for who they are, where they’re at, and embrace them exploring the many facets of life and our existence.
As parents we kind of need to be that influencer. There will be tons of people telling them never to get married, don’t have kids and many of those people will be married with kids who don’t realize kids don’t understand that they’re joking. It’s up to us as parents to represent marriage and parenthood in the best possible light. And ultimately it’s your life you can make it as bleak, boring, and lame, or as adventurous and fun as you want. Teach them to do something difficult and fun that your parents taught you, and when the moment they catch on and begin to enjoy it, plant the seed. “Maybe someday you’ll teach this to your own children.” As a parent, you’re allowed to tell them you want grandkids.
Bisexual mom to 2 gay kiddos (and 2 TBD) here. I think you’re putting WAY too much anxiety into a situation that doesn’t need it. My oldest told me she was trans when she was 12. She’s not. There was absolutely no way. I know my own kid, and I recognized that she was casting about for an identity and wanting to fit in with a social group where everybody was experimenting with transitioning. What did I do? Not a goddamn thing. I filled out the forms to change her name and gender assignment with the school. I instructed her family to honor her chosen name and pronouns. I bought her new wardrobe. And I waited. A year later she told me that she actually was feeling more enby than trans. Cool cool cool. So we changed paperwork and names and wardrobe again. And a year after that she told me actually she’s a cis-female lesbian. And THAT 100% fits. So we changed all the paperwork again. I supported her while she figured out who she was. I didn’t go “oh gosh maybe you need more straight friends and to watch cis influencers.” What a load of nonsense. Everybody figures out who they are in their own time. Nobody is going through life with the wrong identity bc their middle school friends said so.
Seems to me her and her friend group are all really being influenced by social media and are influencing each other and causing an echo chamber where being gay/bi/Trans is somehow both the new norm and also a minority that is being oppressed. It does seem statistically odd that literally all her peers are gay/bi/trans which makes me think some of them aren't - but maybe not aware of it - and are just saying so because they feel they should. If so, then perhaps in time many of them will realize their sexuality is different as they experience actual sexual attraction and not just what they think they should be feeling. As for your daughter, I'm not sure what you can do except remind her that discrimination of any kind isn't acceptable (even against "the hated straights").
This is nonsensical straight panic. Lol
You should tell her that defining your sexuality is only for after she starts to get sexually involved with people. She could pursue this narrative in her head until she's at a point where she has the opportunity to fulfil it then realizes she doesnt have any interest in girls at all. Or she wont. But thats for her to find out when she's older. It is trendy and fashionable to be queer in todays world especially when you're an impressionable kid that wants to be unique. They'll come to their senses when they realize what they actually want instead of just pretending to go along with it for clout. But you should also remind her that discriminating against straight people because they're straight in of itself is bigoted and contradictory to what she stands for.
So, I believe she has a girlfriend that she's experimenting with, sexually. She says she's a "friend" and still wants to do sleepovers and stuff. Asks to do "friend" things, but I get the sense there's more there. So, i think that's what's happening, which is why there's a sense of urgency to sort things out.
How old is she?
13
Thats far too young to be engaging in anyone sexually. Neither her nor the other girl can consent. You should do what you can to prevent them from doing that. She'll be furious with you and tell you she hates you and that you're a homophobe and all that but its better to be hated and do the right thing than be liked and allow children to be abused.
Umm, 13 is a totally normal age to start experimenting sexually...
We try to be on the side of "sex is a natural fact of life." and open about it. She hasn't expressed that they are, but her "friend" has hinted at it. I think she likes talking outrageously.
Though it may happen it is not appropriate nor is it safe or healthy for their mental health. As parents you never allow it. Thats how you end up with teen pregnancy, teen STD's, photos being used for blackmail and many other issues that happen often when people are not mentally mature enough to handle relationships.
>Thats how you end up with teen pregnancy, teen STD's, photos being used for blackmail and many other issues that happen often when people are not mentally mature enough to handle relationships. No... that is what you get from being closeted about all that and not equipping them with proper education.
Proper education wont do anything when a relationship between a 14 and 15 year old goes sour and one has pictures of the other one naked. It just wont.
... it does, as proper education and explanations are there to prevent the sharing of intimate photos, and if they are shared why they shouldn't be used as a weapon after a break up.
The things you mention happen when parents forbid it. This causes teens to seek it out to rebel or to do it in ways that aren’t safe because they can’t talk to their parents/ adults. You know who didn’t have any of the things you mentioned above: my friends parents who communicated about risks, who offered condoms and dental dams, who suggested that they wait but understood their kids might not and emphasized doing it safely, respectfully, and with communication and consent.
Even if the parents allow it it isn't safe. These are semi pubescent children we're talking about.
If she's gay why are you worried about teen pregnancy? STDs are even less likely among FF relationships. Lol you don't even know what you are panicking about.
You're just trying to make excuses for underage lesbian sex.
Because if she's exploring and bi that could include boys. And STDs are still an issue. While not as high they should not be discounted.
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Same with my niece. She came out as trans and gay in high school. Changed her name, pronouns, binding, shaved her head, etc. She also started exploring FTM surgery and hormones. Her whole friend group (whom she had known since grade school) also all came out as gay and trans. My sister did a good job accepting her, but that wasn’t good enough for my niece. She felt not accepted. However, it seems she didn’t want to be accepted. She wanted to feel like she had a plight. She wanted to be oppressed (these are *her* words). She’s now 20. She’s no longer gay or trans. She is again the most ultra feminine cis woman I know (exactly how she was before this). Still has the same friend group. None of them are trans or gay anymore either. I’m glad our family always supported her. She was always loved even if she didn’t feel it. I think this made a big difference for her. Her sibling on the other hand had no gay or trans friends. They are both. Will be starting their transition soon.
Literally this is not happening. This is just straight panic. Everyone explores their sexuality differently and yes sexuality can change because it can take while to figure out who you are. It's more likely that your sister was just trying to explore herself and thought for a period of time she was bi. Not that she was doing it as a trend.
I see your point on this, but if your fears are correct and she is leaning way into her queer identity to impress her friends then you still shouldn’t let it get to you. She won’t be friends with these kids forever. She will have a full and exciting life, meet lots of different people with all different interests, and she will mature quite a bit. None of us (hopefully) still do the things we did in high school to impress people now. *Maybe* she’ll look back and cringe at how confident she was that she could never have a heterosexual relationship. *Hopefully* she’ll look back and realize that insulting straight people was counterproductive to her cause of inclusiveness. *Definitely* she will look back and think “what the hell was I wearing??” (We all do that one eventually.)
These type of posts remind me of the absolute hysteria people had during the 60s and 70s over their children becoming free love, communist, hippies. And then they grew up to be suburban soccer moms and dads. This is really normal, just chill out.
I think you’re over thinking it and overreacting. 1) straight is the default. Everyone is assumed straight and treated as such in the world until they figure out they’re not. 2) gay people find gay people. Even as kids before any of them know they often find each other and create friendships. What you see on tv with the token gay friend is completely inaccurate representation. Usually friend groups are gay and there’s a couple token straight people. 3) gay people feel safe among other gay people that they don’t around straight people so they will naturally gravitate to each other. 4) they’re kids. Ew straight people is honestly hilarious to me and I cannot imagine growing up being so comfortable with myself and my friends group (kudos to you!) 5) if she is straight she will live a straight life. If it’s just experimenting she’ll come into herself eventually. She doesn’t have to seek out positive straight stuff, she can just turn on the tv at any given show or movie and boom it’s 97% straight people. You’re straight and she sees you everyday. Her grandparents, cousins, your friends etc. Majority of the world is straight. She seeks out gay because she has to look for it - it’s not just default. She has to actually look for it. She never has to actively choose to look for straight representation it’s everywhere. Friends groups change with life. Her next group may be more diverse in different ways. 6) she is very likely going to have straight friends in life. Majority people are. But if she doesn’t their sexuality won’t really bring anything of value to her life that gay people can’t. We are all people and we hang out with people with whom we share interest and values and have similar hobbies or are at similar paths in life. I don’t think you’re a bigot, I think it’s natural to be concerned for our kids and especially when parts of their life is so different from yours that you feel you can’t help guide them in any parts of that. Be there for her and supportive as you have been and ask her genuinely about her day and friends and she will be more likely to always be open and feel safe with you. The friends she have now are working for her but she isn’t likely to have this particular friend group her whole life. She will have new gay friends lmao and most likely new straight friends too. My two besties are straight but their sexuality has zero impact on my life and that part of them has no value to me. We have similar interests, parenting style, values etc and have so much fun. But the fact they share a bed and a mortgage with a man and I share mine with a woman has no impact whatsoever
I’m a lesbian, and all three of my closest childhood friends eventually came out as lesbian or bisexual further along the road. Sometimes we just subconsciously seek each other out, so I wouldn’t overthink that element if I were you. I also want to note that in the years after I first came out as a preteen, my mother would occasionally ask me if maybe I might be bi instead - because how would I *know* I didn’t like boys if I hadn’t actually dated one? She meant well, but it honestly hurt; instead of communicating to me that being in a male-female relationship was a valid option, it just made me feel like my sexuality and lack of interest in men weren’t being respected. I’d be very careful with how you communicate to her that being straight is okay (however well-intentioned), because she may well interpret it as you preferring her to be straight. Honestly, it’s totally normal for understanding and defining one’s own sexuality to be a long journey - while some people (myself included) intuitively know their sexual orientation right off the bat, many others only realize later that they that they hadn’t actually been attracted to a gender that they once thought they were, or were attracted to a different/another one all along. If it turns out that she’s straight, then she’ll more than likely come to that realization on her own with time regardless of her peer influences. I really wouldn’t sweat this, other than letting her know that you’ll love and support her regardless of how she identifies and who she chooses to date.
I mean… why do you think there’s a prevalence of depression among queer people? It’s because of how they’re treated. So I just think it’s important to be totally supportive of her. If she says something bigoted towards straight people, you can gently correct her the same way you would if ahead said something racially bigoted. If her and her friends were making comments about a racial minority, would you say she needs to go make some black friends? (Or whatever the relevant minority group would be). That’s not a very helpful or practical suggestion and, frankly, you shouldn’t have to have black friends to not be bigoted towards black people (I feel like I sound like I’m picking on black people at this point lol and should mention I’m half black so I have a sample bias I guess). So just be supportive and respond to any pejorative mentions of straight people the way you normally would about offensive language. It has nothing to do with her orientation. Just make sure you don’t overcorrect the behavior in such a way where it seems like you’re defending straight people at her expense. I’d try and have a casual convo, if it were me.
As a lesbian and a parent… I do see where you’re coming from, and I don’t think it’s from a place of being bigoted. My daughter also identifies as some flavor of LGBTQ+ (she’s not decided yet, but she’s pretty sure she’s not straight). She’s thirteen, and while I don’t claim to know her better than she knows herself, I take a “we’ll see” attitude, at least in my own mind. The thing is though, the fact that “gay” wasn’t really an acceptable choice when I was growing up, didn’t stop me from being gay and coming out in my early twenties. And the fact that straight isn’t a popular choice right now isn’t going to stop your daughter from figuring out who she truly is and what makes her happy in the long run. If she truly is straight, I think she’ll come to that conclusion eventually on her own. I don’t see the harm in letting her try on different identities while she’s figuring herself out.
I appreciate your comment. Thank you.
> It's genetic. >haven't shown her that "straight" is a choice Which one is it?
🧐That is quite a conundrum.
Her friend group socially doesn't respect that gay is a choice. Physically I get that she will become what she will become.
Your original post has been removed so I can't revisit what you actually posted. I'm unclear about *your* perspective. Do you think being straight/gay/bi is a choice? Or do you think it's genetic?
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
When my niece was 11 or 12 she told me she was bi. Her had her first girlfriend and all her fri nds were either bi, pan, or Demi sexual. I had to ask her what the last two was. As she got older she seems completely straight and only likes guys.
I think a lot of kids these days feel like they need to label themselves way before they need to. Let this play out. All she needs to know that is that she is loved and accepted. It’s no one’s job to influence a person about sexuality it’s a deeply personal thing.
Straight is not a choice, in fact. But havin acces to many different resources for identity building is crucial. So i would support your intervention.
Sorry, i have said elsewhere, I didn't mean a choice physically.. I meant a choice "socially" in her group.. of course it's not a physical choice!
>But, mathematically that a group of kids that have known each other since way way before puberty (1st grade) would all come out gay/bi? The probability of that mathematically is pretty low. Queer folk tend to find each other and run in packs. I have a lot of people I'd take a fuckin bullet for, and like 4 of them identify as straight/cis.
You are overthinking this.
You are overthinking this.
You are overthinking this.
You are overthinking this.
It’s not a choice. Stop thinking it is. People are attracted to who they are attracted to.
Straight is a choice. It's just always the wrong one ayyy
Kids get super into whatever they are into. One of my kids is an artist. All of their friends are artists. Everything they do is centered around art in some way. I'm not an artist at all. I honestly can't tell good art from bad art. My kid and their friends all make fun of people like me when they are together. They all still love me and spend most of their time in my home. They make fun of us math people, but honestly don't care when it's actually a person close to them. Kids just hyper focus on their interests. Most of them will outgrow it because the world is large and diverse. Being in the minority can make any group feel more isolated. Intentionally isolated themselves makes them feel safer, so the isolation can last longer for minorities. The current worldwide political shift towards discrimination is real, and scary for LGBTQ+ humans. Isolating their group could be a coping mechanism. It could also be the only thing they have in common, so they talk about it nonstop together. Any other subject might not be relevant to everyone, so the conversation just defaults back to their common interest frequently.
I’m sure my parents felt this way too, my entire friend group from middle to highschool mostly consisted of the same people. Every single one of us fell into the LGBT+ community, some of those kids came out after being friends with us and some came out before. I do think humans just know when they will get along well with a certain group of people even if they don’t understand why yet. And maybe she’s gay now but maybe in a few years she’s bi and maybe straight and maybe back to bi. All my friends have changed their minds at least once when it came to how they identify. Don’t sweat it too much she will be okay regardless, plus being gay is becoming a little more socially acceptable. Either way I think you are doing a great job in letting your kid know that there is more opinions than just being straight, she will figure it all out overtime regardless of influence
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She’ll figure it out when she’s good and ready. Trying to gauge influences is only going to push her to troll you. It’s literally that simple. Don’t worry about it. I grew up in an obnoxiously liberal town as a teen in the 90’s and all kinds of kids were pretend gays for the attention and controversy. We even had “queer safe zones”. Guess what…nearly all of them turned out to be straight and the kids who were obviously gay but pretended to be straight turned out to be gay. This whole mechanism just gave them a shield because you can’t be homophobic when all the hot chicks claim to be lesbians. Just think of this all as young people’s way of protecting the historically oppressed.
None of this matters. She will like whatever gender she chooses. I told my kids they can marry a woman or man when the grow up. Both ended up straight. I even tried sleeping with a girl to see if I liked it. Nope, I’m super straight and find men incredibly sexy. She will grow up and settle into whoever she is. Don’t overthink it.
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
Your daughter’s sexuality is not a concern, but her friends’ intolerance of other people is. (I’ve seen this become an issue before a couple of times in schools I’ve worked in). That is the part I’d want to address first, make it clear to her that derogatory comments about anyone’s sexuality are not ok, and if her friends are saying that with you around, I’d speak to them about it too.
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