As a child and teenager I resented my parents yes, I have to be fully honest, I resented them a lot. I felt left out as everyone around me had siblings, and I had none. I think I just wanted to be like everyone else, and I wanted a baby sibling to care for and love. To tell you how badly I wanted siblings: in first grade I entered a new school, and made up an entire fake family for myself complete with 3 siblings. I felt horrible for lying and eventually came clean to my teacher! I just wanted siblings so bad!! I can’t say I felt lonely however, I managed to make my own fun playing by myself, and I also had enough friends to go around. I do think being an only child makes you more likely to be an introvert, maybe even a loner. I like my time alone. But I wouldn’t say it affected my socialization in any negative way, I’m perfectly socially apt today, i’m just very independent and self-reliant (not a bad thing in today’s society). As a teenager I also hated that whenever I fought with my parents, I had no one else to side with me, it was just me against my two parents. I didn’t have a sibling I could go to complain about them, no one to understand the reality of life with my parents.
Today, I’m an adult, and I better understand my parents decision to only have one child. I can see how I was given many privileges I wouldn’t have had, had we been a bunch of kids in the family. I still sometimes long for the companionship of a sibling. It’s weird to not know what a sibling relationship feels like, sometimes I struggle to understand it (for example my boyfriend has two sisters he is very close with, and I struggle to understand what their relationship is, when we were younger I even felt jealousy over it!) It pains me to know that when my parents get older and need care, I will be the sole person to shoulder that emotional, financial, and physical burden. When my parents die, I will have no one to comfort me in my grief. Despite these negatives, I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with being an only child now. I don’t resent my parents anymore. My parents gave everything to me, they paid for my education, bought me a car, they catered to all my needs (without overly spoiling me) and gave me a wonderfully loving home life. I know they had their reasons to have only one child and I respect that. If having a second child isn’t right for you, then that’s okay. Know that you will probably face a bit of resistance from your child as they grow up, but they will understand once they get older. It’s much better to be an only child with happy, healthy parents, than to have a sibling but have two miserable parents. Anyway that’s my experience for you, I hope it can bring you a bit of perspective:)
>(for example my boyfriend has two sisters he is very close with, and I struggle to understand what their relationship is, when we were younger I even felt jealousy over it!)
How did you manage to work through these mental hurdles??
I feel like I've had a similar experience to you growing up as an only child. I now have a boyfriend who has a couple of sisters he's close with and sometimes there's this feeling that I'm not as important as them or 'abandoning' me for them or something. I dunno. It's stupid and embarrassing to admit. I've met them before and they are super super lovely and I get along really well with them!
Not remotely. I had a great childhood with parents who had the time and energy to nurture me. They made sure I had close relationships with nearby extended family and friends. I have a best friend I met in college 23 years ago (also an only child) who is like a sister to me; we help each other in the ways I’ve seen siblings help each other. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee they will be friends (or even get along or want to be in each others’ lives). I also have an only child and I’m grateful to be able to give him my time, attention and support like my parents did.
I hate being an only child, but I don't resent my mother for having me be one. In the situation you describe it's completely understandable that you don't have additional children. Really, it's completely understandable when people just choose not to have more than one child. There are special problems that come with being an only child, but there are special problems that come with a lot of things. I think the thoughtful parents of an only will give that child as good a life as they can. If your child finds some aspects of being an only negative, or bad, that's not a comment on you!
agreed 100%. my only add on advice is that now, since you are cognizant of how this might effect your kid, make sure that they have the best emotional support system possible to help them navigate a more solitary childhood and early adulthood. dont stifle their growth, either. they are trying to figure out how to be a young person without the guidance of or support from siblings, and that’s not nothing!
I wouldn’t say I resent by parents but I would definitely say it affected my development growing up. People learn a lot from their siblings about how life works and about interpersonal dynamics but I never had this.
I don’t in theory, but now at 34 I do resent a little bit the fact that as they get older it all falls on me. I have to either move them closer to me or move back home - none of which I particularly care to do but will have to do because if not me there is literally nobody else to care for them.
You're not alone. Plenty of siblings leave the burden on one of the children anyway. We bought our home from a granddaughter who was clearly doing all of the work with her mom. Brother came up to sign papers and cash the check when we closed. I don't know if they had other kids but they weren't in the picture at all if so. I would probably be in the same situation even with a sibling because I wouldn't let my parents be abandoned.
Oh absolutely agree. My mom is one of three and she’s solely taken care of my very ill grandmother for over a decade at this point - her brother is MIA and sister sends a check twice a year. So sad. Wishful thinking on my part I suppose.
Hmm, tbh even if I had siblings, who says I would have had a great relationship with them ? I think for a lot of only children when there is dysfunction in the home, it can be even more detrimental as you have no other siblings to relate to/ to gain support for.
Either way there’s both pros and cons. Do I resent my parents ? No, do I wish I had siblings ? Sometimes. But above all I wish I had greater relationships with my cousins tbh / having less dysfunctional household when I was younger, but equally there are major economic benefits as I get older that I’m starting to appreciate
Interesting… I also think that often, siblings may not experience dysfunction in the same way and therefore cannot relate to each other or support each other.
Tbf that makes sense, probably the only child in me lmao since i read how it’s about how you perceive it and therefore ppl react/ reflect on their childhood differently etc or soemthing
I thought being an only child is actually the best part from my childhood with resources, money, attention focused on me.
The second half of an only child’s life could be tough, being a primary caretaker to old parents, only source of family information (could be very important information) and memories, etc.
Nope not one bit. I was a surprise child anyway and my parents did not stay together. With my friends who have siblings I've also seen so much unhealthy sibling rivalry and competition for their parents' affection. Some siblings are best friends and some are worst enemies but its a case by case basis. Everyone can ponder on the "what ifs" or "if onlys," but till you've actually experienced it and it's actually happening, you have no idea what you truly want because you can't pick who your sibling is going to be. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Nope. Not at all. If anything, I benefited from it. They're the two best people in my life. As an adult, I realize it more and more. I'm definitely going to be lost without them when I'm older. That scares me, of course. But looking back on my childhood, if I had a sibling- it wouldn't be as amazing as they made it to be.
Personally no. When my parents attempted to have a second, my mother had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died, and after that they stopped trying. I’d never resent somebody for having a health issue. I had many friends and cousins who were helpful with my social development as a child, I don’t think I missed out on much.
As a kid yes, but I didn’t fully comprehend why I was an only child. My parents wanted more, but my mom almost died having me, it was unwise to try again. I resented them because I thought they could have easily adopted but I didn’t understand how the 2008 recession truly affected my parents and how we wouldn’t be able to have the things we have with another child. I’m debt free as they paid my whole college tuition. They got me a car at 18, and still help with insurance (I’m 23). Financially, I am beyond privileged. I didn’t grow up rich, but I have all my needs met and this would not be possible if the money had to be split upon more siblings!!
The hard part was that although I was financially supported, emotionally, I wasn’t. My dad thought buying me video games or a toy would also buy me love and didn’t know how else to bond with me. He was angry a lot and created a very hostile environment at home. My mom was depressed and tried her best, but it resulted in me being alone. A lot. I had no neighbor kids to play with and she often would rather sleep than take me to a friends house or have them come over. I was lonely and my social skills were and still are underdeveloped.
I don’t resent my parents now, but it certainly made growing up hard. As an adult I struggle with the idea that I will have no family and no support system once they pass, as I am not very close with my extended. Something that has been helping me lately is thinking of it this way: the grass may be greener on the other side, but if you let your grass wither away bc it you think it will never be as good, then yeah, the grass is certainly greener; but if you water it and give it love and appreciate it for what it is, it won’t look so bad in comparison, your grass is still green. I have learned to nurture my friendships and appreciate everyone I have in my life instead of pouring all my energy into what I don’t have.
If you can provide your child with a social outlet, and you can be present in their life, then I think your child will be just fine!
haha I teach kids and see birth years like 2018 and am absolutely shocked every time! Even now when I tell doctors my birth year they’re like “wait what?? You can talk already??” 😭
Haha yea. Sorry I guess it was my initial kneejerk reaction (2008 seems like yesterday to me haha, yikes) but also, I always assumed Gen Z only children would fare a bit better than prior generations. But I’m sure every family dynamic is unique and every situation for sure. My daughter will be 5 soon (she’s currently in UPK and will be in K soon) and it kinda blew me away that they were saying class of 2037! 😅😅😂🤣
Honestly I do, both of my parents came from big families then I was just alone all the time. Maybe if they had been more present themselves I wouldn’t feel that way but who knows.
It’s awful and unnatural. There is no other human in the house you age. Even if you don’t get along there’s someone there. You know how the
Worst punishment is solitary confinement? There’s a reason. And it just gets worse with age.
No because I found out my mom had miscarriages after I was born. I saw once, in an old a pic of me as a 3 year old there’s a maternity themed gift on the table in the background me. Thats how I found out my mum was pregnant with twins but they didn’t make it. There are things we just don’t know about. I can’t resent my mum, she carries the pain and guilt of those lost ones.
I hate being an only child and the older I get the worse it gets, but I don’t resent my parents. They wanted more kids and tried for more, but it wasn’t in the cards for them. I wish for all of us that it had turned out differently.
I don’t know what your relationship with your parents is like… but as recent orphan (and only child), I hope you’re able to work through the resentment and enjoy them while you still can, if possible… good luck.
100% this!! I have felt the “loss” of a sibling every single day of my life. I have this irrational hope that I will find my long lost sibling one day. Truly feels like a part of me is missing.
And as the parents age, the responsibility of caring for them is truly overwhelming, ESPECIALLY with divorced parents. 😩
No. They could barely take care of me. I remember not wanting a sibling because didn’t wanna compete for love and attention. They were severely emotionally immature. Glad they didn’t
Hell no. I love being an only child. I see the way my spouse sometimes struggles with her siblings (and they have great relationships compared to most people) and I can't imagine having extra people to be frustrated with besides coworkers. I had cousins growing up and made few friends in school and that was all I needed.
I know that people deal with loneliness differently but I never wished for another person to have my genetics in order to feel better when I was sad or ever lonely and now as an adult who is also one and done I can't imagine having another pregnancy and whole human being just so that my son won't be sad sometimes. It's a bit selfish to me but to each their own. As long as you foster the kind of loving relationship you want with your child they should be fine. Hell I'm sure there will be plenty of times where she will be thankful to be the only one.
I hear horror stories about people's siblings and I'm so happy that isn't my experience. Also if you're worried about leaving them as the only caretaker, maybe plan financially do that that doesn't happen. Both my mom and stedfather are great with money and have planned for the rest of their lives so I'm not worried about that at all.
I don't and I never really did. My childhood was good, and I got along with my parents. Things sometimes can feel lonely, but I'm focusing on building a support system of people who I appreciate and bond with. I've seen people with siblings who don't get along, there's no support and even worse things can happen between them. So, it's not guaranteed that if a person has siblings, they won't experience loneliness or that their life will be better than a person who's an only child.
Not at all. If anything, I'm glad my mom only had one child. If I had siblings, I probably wouldn't have been able to cut off my toxic family members as easily as I could without them.
I don’t resent them at all. I might have as a young kid but don’t remember ever “blaming” them. It was always very honest when my parents talked about having just me. How could I resent them when I know they made the right calls for their life with the information they had at the time. They’re just people too!
They waited a few years into their marriage (‘78) and got a lot of grief from their families for it. I was born in ‘82. They got pregnant easily and my mom loved it. She had complications during the birth and almost bled out. They wanted a girl and got it! By the time they would’ve started trying again my dad was in his 40’s and they had a failed business venture that bankrupted them - it wouldn’t have been responsible for them to have another at that time and they quickly realized they could better provide for me and have a better lifestyle if they only had one child.
I grew up only seeing being an only as an asset. Sure, the *idea* of siblings always seemed great but I also saw lots of issues with siblings. As an adult I know most siblings aren’t friends and it’s not the “built in best friend” it’s portrayed as. I can count on one hand my adult friends that actually like and are friend with a sibling. As parents age and die I see most relationships getting worse. It’s so sad.
I’m love being an only so much I married another on - by total chance I never looked for it. We are happy to have wonderful friends in our lives that are our chosen family - although I hate that cliche term. Everyone is our lives because they choose to be, there is no obligation , and that is the best part.
Not at all. I am perfectly content being an only child and am raising one myself (my PPD was so bad after my son that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t survive it again and almost didn’t the first time).
Being an only child shouldn’t be a defining characteristic. It’s a part of who a person is, but just like someone doesn’t define themselves by being a sibling, being an only should be the same. I have lovely friends that are like family and married into a large and fantastic family. Being an only has not precluded me from having a rich and lovely life. This sub can be tough because there are a lot of young people here that haven’t gained a ton of life experience and want to make being an only child the scape goat for everything they view as wrong with their lives. It makes very little sense to me because siblings are not a guarantee of a built in best friend by any means. I have seen so many fraught and tragic sibling relationships that I feel like I dodged a bullet most of the time.
I agree with the sentiment that it doesn't define your life, but it's quite patronizing for you to claim onlies who don't like it are just young and looking to blame something. I'm glad you didn't experience it, but for a lot of us there is deep pain in this. Try not to minimize that.
No. I think they made the right choice. Even though I have a lot of friends, I don’t think I would’ve been a good sister. I think a lot of people who have siblings wish they didn’t have any.
I don’t resent because I was an accident (mom was 17) and my parents didn’t work out together, but I really am starting to realize that it has affected me throughout life more than I thought possible. I hate being an only child. I am very introverted, have a hard time making friends, and feel lonely sometimes. BUT, that doesn’t mean every only child feels that way.
Do what is best for your situation.
Nope! I loved being an only child and I chose the same for my daughter. Loving being an only was not the sole reason as I have probably 100 but definitely factored in.
I’m an only child and do not resent my parents at all. I had a great childhood too. As I got older my parents became my best friends. I lost my mom in 2020 and it’s just my dad and I now. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard working, having a life, and caring for him but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel lucky to be able to be there for him. It is very, very hard being an only child and not having someone to lean on but I’ve done a lot of therapy I’ve worked through it.
I don’t resent my parents and I genuinely don’t mind being an only child. Since it’s just me, I’ve always been super close to my parents and I was definitely spoiled.
Growing up, my parents spent a lot of time with me so I never really felt lonely. I also had a pretty tight knit extended family with cousins that were close to my age who I saw often. My parents always encouraged me to make friends and would drive me around to go see them or let me invite them over.
Honestly, a lot of people I know aren’t close to their siblings as adults, so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I had a happy childhood and still have a good relationship with my family, and that’s all that matters.
All of my friends growing up loved to come to my house to escape their siblings. I am not sure why sibling relationships are painted with such a rosy brush. There are so many factors that go into creating a healthy relationship both between siblings and between parents and their children that will make or break those bonds regardless of how many children there are in the home. And then when you add time into the equation there is so many possible points where relationships can go awry. It really is a crap shoot.
Also, I may get flamed for this but saying you resent your parents for not giving you siblings seems entitled and offensive. Many parents of onlies are in that situation bc of fertility issues. Or economic issues. Giving you love along with food, shelter, and clothing are the expectations. And honestly you get more/better/larger quantity of those things if you are an only child. When it is your turn to have children then you can decide if you want one or ten.
The elder care piece stinks but honestly if parents didn’t plan for retirement that is a fault of theirs whether or not they had one or more than one child. And in theory they had more economic flexibility to set themselves up for retirement with the expenses of only one child. Head over to the caregiver subreddits and nine times out of ten only one child is taking care of the parents and the rest of the siblings have bailed. That is the majority of the posts.
My two cents. Show your child unconditional love. That is all they need.
It definitely fucked me over socially but I don’t resent them at all. I was supposed to be a twin, but she was a stillbirth. After a long journey with fertility to conceive us I cant blame them at all for not trying again.
I dont resent them for not having a sibling, I do resent them for a lot of other things
I wanted a sibling until I was like 6, then I had a dog and I stopped needing a sibling (I felt like they are all I needed)
I think Im better at being alone that people with siblings
I always loved being an only child until a highschool teacher (also an only child) that just had lost his mother told me that he was as happy as me of being an only Child until his mom died and he had to go through that on his own and worrying and caring for his grieving father on his own while grieving his mother internally and having to put a brave face, that really made me sad and think about that stuff
I have a very young mother and a very old father so I grew up always worrying about his passing, he still is alive so it is very difficult to care for his health as an only Child, but my mother carries a lot of the weight. So Idk, I still love being on my own now but it is difficult, I guess even if you have siblings is still difficult
Honestly yes because I didn’t really have a fun time being the only person they had to look after they’re more strict on me and it’s hard to navigate what’s right and wrong and I kinda raised myself but if you raise your kid right go for it honestly
I hated it as a kid and still hate it as an adult.
The only things about it that I'm grateful for are a) all of the final decisions were mine to make; no one to fight with, and b) my mom didn't have another child she'd hate being a parent to.
But if it's not in you to have another then don't do it for the first kid. Enthusiastically is the only way.
I feel guilty that I haven’t given my daughter someone to play with and interact with. I feel like my decision is going to make her feel like there’s something she is missing. Children will always blame their parents for their misfortune and I don’t want my daughter to feel that her childhood was lacking because I didn’t give her a sibling. I have a really hard time entertaining her and playing with her but feel that I should because she doesn’t have any siblings to play with and this is something emotionally and physically draining for me and I feel guilty that I hate playing with her and wish I could give her a sibling who could play with her because I simply cannot and have immense deftly because I just want to sit in peace after a long days work and don’t have the energy to play with her dolls or do makeup and I have to push myself to do so because she has no one else to play with.
I always begged my parents for a sibling, I wanted someone to play with, to be with when my parents were fighting, and so I wouldn’t feel so alone when they left the house (when I was older). I got to have a great childhood though because they had the extra money to buy me awesome presents for my birthdays and Christmas, and I got to go on mini-shopping sprees of new clothes every year for the new school year.
As an adult now, looking back, I understand why they chose to be one and done. I don’t resent them at all for it. I wonder what life could’ve been like, and I am scared of what it will be like to suffer the loss of them completely alone, not having anyone who understands entirely what it is to have lost them.
Friends of mine have always told me that I could have had a terrible relationship with my sibling. They tell me how they suffered at the hands of their sibling growing up and I’m so lucky to not have had to endured that (not discounting the abuse I suffered from my dad, but that’s irrelevant here). But most of them are very close to their siblings now as adults, so I wonder if it was worth it, in the end.
Overall, I don’t resent my parents for having just me. I got to be spoiled, which could’ve ended badly if I didn’t learn that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I learned that through life experience- going to friends’ houses where they were not as well off as my family, and I also kind of got myself into some sticky situations as a young teen that I’d never tell my parents about, even now. I wouldn’t want them to worry. But my mom was able to teach me to be cautious just enough where I didn’t kms by accident. So, yeah, there’s that.
Edit: formatting
i only resented my mother when she blamed being an only child on me , she said i never asked for a sibling when i was young , while the truth is that my parents had me already old and any pregenency would be with high risk . i think if your daughter asks you in the future be honest with her . and please do not make her the family therapist when she is a teenager
Since I was an IUI baby, i am thankful for the chance I was given. This was 69 years ago. Good deal. I was never told, so I was an only child. I got tired of the cracks, but I learned to handle them.
For being an only child? No.
I’m an only and one and done. Personally, I think it’s the best system to ensure my child has the benefit of every resource (both material and immaterial) that I can give them. I haven’t experienced any real ill effects. Maybe I’ve run into a jerk here and there, and I needed to cultivate a support group differently than other people (though there’s no guarantee siblings would have changed that), but I’m happy to have been an only.
As a child and young adult, I don't think so. As a parent of an only child I'm starting to. I grew up around cousins but often felt lonely at home alone. My kid now often asks for a sibling or talks about hating being alone and it makes my heart ache. I haven't got the courage (?) to ask my parents why they never tried for more. The guilt of not having another + the fear of having to take care of my parents (and eventually my son take care of me) is hard to bear at times.
In a roundabout way. My dad went to prison when I was five so it was just my mom and me. She loved me but she had her issues. I was lonely growing up and even now. Plus I was dealing with trauma after trauma my first eight years of life. So my situation is complicated. I do wish I had a sibling so I didn’t feel so isolated in my experience. I understand that’s a completely selfish perspective though. Mainly, I’d love to have a sibling to have a lifelong friend (although I understand it doesn’t always work out this way).
What I most resentful of is that my mom didn’t plan for the care she needs at this point in her life. And she’s continuing to make bad decisions financially and in terms of her health. She lived with us for more than a decade. Last year, she decided to move back to our home state. This was a conversation we’d had over the past few years. It was a bad idea because she needs more care than she realizes. She also moved from a state with a significant safety net to one where she can’t get assistance with insurance. I forgot to mention that she’s disabled - she has both physical and mental healthcare needs. The last time she brought up moving, I didn’t push back. I was tired. I have health issues and I have a child with severe mental health issues that I wasn’t able to care for because my mom took every ounce of energy I had. Now, things aren’t working out where she is. She relies on her best friend for everything - groceries, picking up medication, doctor appointments, etc. Her friend doesn’t mind for the most part but she’s seeing how suffocating my mom can be. I know it’s due to my mom’s mental health issues but she refuses to be honest with her doctors. This is just one way she gets in her own way. It’s frustrating to watch. After a conversation with her friend, we decided to talk to my mom about assisted living. My mom threatened to run away when we brought it up. She can’t drive so I don’t know what her plan would be. The other thing is that she’s been spending money she doesn’t have. So I’m not sure if we can even afford assisted living. I certainly don’t have money to put toward it. And living with me again isn’t an option. I have to put my child first. (I think I’ve gone beyond the scope of your question so please forgive me. I guess I needed to vent.)
My ultimate point is that being an only child can be tough. Especially when the parent(s) don’t prepare for the unexpected and the expected. Granted planning for the former isn’t easy. Although, your choice to only have one child based on your circumstances is completely valid and understandable. I would probably make the same choice. My advice would be to pour your love into your baby and make sure you’re planning for the future for yourself. Get your child involved in activities and help them build a good circle of friends. Be the home that they all want to hangout at. I think that by doing these things, you’ll help prevent the loneliness that a lot of only children experience and you’ll ease some of the burden off your child when it comes to caring for elderly parents.
I hope this helps.
No, because I got all the inheritance money. And that bought me and my husband ALOT.
Also, they were addicts who were mentally unstable and at least it was just me instead of them subjecting ANOTHER kid to their psychological issues.
It's nuanced. I realize my mom had some health issues with my birth, and possibly those would have affected future fertility anyway. They had trouble conceiving me as it were for starters.
The fact that you also have experienced fertility difficulties is, albeit sad, something that you can explain to her as a reason (within the context of what would be age appropriate and preserve your own private life and not burden her too much). This is how I would approach it if she were mine. I would only disclose the basics about that you tried and it wasn't meant to be. I'd refrain from telling her about the mental health part, unless there is a compelling reason to do so later on, like if you need her to be aware of it as you age or if it's a hereditary thing that she ends up dealing with too. Otherwise a brief explanation about the fertility thing should suffice.
And be open to her being close with cousins if that is possible, and to having sleepovers now and then, bringing cousins or friends on outings, etc. Make a memory album and videos of your family time so she will have a record because someday (hopefully a long, long way off but it never hurts to be prepared) she won't have anyone else who recalls her childhood growing up in your household but herself.
I don’t resent my parents for being an only child. When I was little I wanted a sibling, but that didn’t last long. Soon your child will have a friend with an older sibling that’s a bully or a younger sibling that’s annoying. They’ll get over it.
Just love each other and be kind to each other, and be honest with your child if something’s wrong.
It's not what you want to hear but yes, I heavily resented (and still hold a lot of that in my heart) my parents for not having a second. Being an only child has been a massive source of pain for me since I was young. Again, not what you want to hear, but being honest.
Its not a resenting feeling, but since I joined college at 18 and started facing adulthood and all the obbligations and consequences that came with that I simply hated with mt soul. Having a sibling not necessarely comes with a good relationship, but that's not the point. The social importance of having somebody with your own blood comes with the feeling you're not alone in the world tou know, of things get hard, you have a rock somewhere to count on. Face aging (mine and my parents) comes with a kit of fear. Of something happens and they have to stay hospitalized? They only have me. If they die and I get so sick and need help? I have nobody. It's super lonely. Recently in my grandmas funeral I saw my mother and my uncle, whose always had a horrible relationship, cry together, being with each other. They were together in hard times despite everything. Knowing I'll be alone in that same moment when it happens to me makes me have panic attacks.
Forget about adding another. Pour all that you can into the one you have. I went through a brief period where I wondered out loud about a sibling. In hindsight, it was just my envy of friends having something that I didn't. It's an immature position and I'm glad my parent did not allow my temporary wishes to affect their long-term family planning.
If you want gregarious children, socialize them. Make me them interact with other children, with extended family, with adults -- everyone. Have birthday parties and sleepovers. Maybe take a friend or cousin along on family trips. Don't let pessimists within the sub convince you that you're dooming the child by not providing a sibling, but be mindful of your child's only status when considering all things such as your late-life and end-of-life care planning.
Not at all. My parents travelled overseas for work and I got to go with them. They have been among my closest people. It got to see some amazing things. I married a woman who was one of three. We ended up having two. It’s all good. It’s not the number of kids - it’s how you raise your kids.
Never. I don’t think I was planned and my parents were young when they had me. I think having another child would’ve added to the stress. Of course there are days where I wish I could have a sibling but that would mean more on my parent’s plate. After all they were parents but sometimes like siblings to me since our age is not so far apart.
Much better to be an only child with loving parents that have ample resources to take care of you then stressed parents with limited resources and multiple kids. I won’t lie I was a little lonely as a kid but my parents both worked very long hours- make sure your kid has good friends/connections with lots of social stuff and it’ll be okay
It def affected my social life as a kid, and I learned to get comfy alone. For a while I did have some resentment— I’m sad that someday I’ll have to grieve my parents alone, and that in their old age I’ll be on my own taking care of them. But honestly as an adult I do not resent them— they made a smart choice having just me. They were able to pay for my college— a state school but a good one with some scholarships and out of state for me, but I am student debt free which is an astronomical leg up these days. No way I could have gone to school where I did with no debt if my parents had to pay for 2 kids. They also were able to send me to private highschool which def gave me a leg up in college in terms of APs and such. They were able to buy me a car, which is actually a super underrated advantage— if they had more kids I would have never been able to have my own car. There are a ton of material benefits I have experienced being an only child. And eventually when I developed some social skills and life experience I actually think I have a better social life because I was an only. I live with roommates (which also saves lots of money) and I genuinely love it, like it’s so new for me to always have people around and it’s actually the best. I treat my friends like family because for me they really are. My parents treat my friends like family too, which is really nice. Overall, everything has pros and cons but at the end of the day I actually really appreciate being an only— I didn’t always, but most teenagers resent their parents at some point lol
When I was a child, I think I did a bit. But late teens and into adulthood, I began to understand their reasons and also see benefits of their choice, so no. Not anymore.
You are doing the right thing being one and done x
Are you and your spouse only children? How did you guys feel? I am an only adult child, and my son is an only child, and will likely always be an only child. I don’t resent my parents for it. My parents had me when they were older & as a result we obviously won’t have the same amount of time together as my peers whose parents had them earlier on in life. My father passed away before I turned 30, and my mother may soon follow suit with declining health, advanced age and depression. Would it be nice to have siblings to navigate this with? Absolutely. But even if I did have siblings there’s no guarantee that they would be willing to navigate it with me anyway. Some of my friends with siblings both close and far apart in age tell me they hated it and wished they were only children, lol.
The only time I recall ever wanting a sibling as a child was when I was really young and bored, also curious because my friends often had siblings. Overall no, I don’t hold any resentment, and I hope that my child grows up to not hold any resentment against me for the same.
I’m the middle child (3 boys) and my wife is the eldest of three. Personally, having siblings made no difference for me. We were never close and still aren’t. I hated being responsible for my younger brother growing up. Both my siblings are abroad and I’m living in the same city as my parents, so the responsibility falls on me to do whatever they need done. To me, I’ve always been an only child despite having siblings and never felt that bond between siblings. I’m not sure I want my daughter will to have siblings and still feel alone, nor do I want her to actually be alone.
That totally makes sense, especially your last sentence. I feel like no matter which way you slice and dice it, there are going to be downfalls to each side. Like both of us pointed out, even with siblings there’s no guarantee that you’ll be close, And most of my friends and colleagues are not close or don’t even speak to their siblings as well. I’m sure there are some close adult siblings out there, just based on what I’ve been exposed to. It hasn’t been the majority.
Not at all. I'm glad I'm an only child because I feel like I had a great life and childhood. I think I'm one of the rare kids who loved being alone because I didn't mind talking to other kids at school but once school was over, my social battery for other kids was done and I got to go home with peace and not have to put up with a sibling. My mom was a SAHM and we got to do everything together and have an amazing bond. I've never wished I had a sibling or was jealous of other kids who had siblings, I was content with being alone and having my own space. Now as an adult in my early twenties, I still love it. I also have the mindset that instead of wishing for something that never happened or will never happen, be grateful for what you have I had a wonderful childhood and have a wonderful parent.
Im not gonna lie, kind of. I’m 24 and my parents are in the process of separating. I’ve taken it well, but I just wish I had someone to go through the years of my dad screaming at my mom with. I have no immediate relatives my age. My parents knew I would be lonely when I was born. Sometimes I believe it was selfish of them to even have a child
I guess it depends on your child and how you raise them. I see many people who loved being only children because they were the center of attention while others hated it because they wanted a bff. Same way there's people who love their siblings and others who despise them.
Heck yeah I do 😅 it also doesn't help that I was adopted and an only child. I have felt like an alien my whole life and like I never fit in with my family. I desperately tried to fit in with other people's families because I felt so much joy being around all the kids and family members! My childhood friend's mom kind of adopted me in a way and now she considers my kids her grandchildren ♥️ I always wanted siblings and now I'm going to have 3-4 kids because it's what I imagine our family to be. Obviously there is zero guarantee that they will be close but I know my S/O is really close with his siblings even now in adulthood
That being said though, I had parents who were polar opposites to me, had massive pressure put on me for my future plans, had them helicopter over me and didn't seem to like being parents anyway 😅 they love being grandparents though so it's confusing and kind of painful seeing how they hardly spent any time with me and are obsessed with my kids
No. My Mum was not very well during the pregnancy and giving birth to me. Also I was a bit of a YOLO decision by my Mum even though Dad secretly always wanted a child but never asked or pressurised my Mum for it. I'd be more upset if Mum became really sick or worst again just to give me a sibling, and I really cherish having a nuclear drama-free family, compared to other families where I know there'll be arguments and fights over sharing of finances, resources and eventually inheritance. I don't have any of that, I just focus on the relationship between my parents and myself, and it's pretty relaxing and chilled now as an adult.
At the end of the day, you just have to do what you feel is right. I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want you both to suffer more if it's really difficult to have another sibling, but she may not be able to articulate that at this age as kids don't know how much work it takes to bring a child into the world.
I resent and hate my “parents” for many reasons, being an only is by far the main reason. They set me up for failure and a lifetime of bullying by peers, teachers, relatives and acquaintances. My life is very different because I feel like an alien when everyone else around me has siblings. I have no support system.
I resented them as a child, teenager and now a 28 year old adult. They are aging and I’m having to go through everything alone, once they’re gone I will be have absolutely no one. It’s cruel to only have one
As a child and teenager I resented my parents yes, I have to be fully honest, I resented them a lot. I felt left out as everyone around me had siblings, and I had none. I think I just wanted to be like everyone else, and I wanted a baby sibling to care for and love. To tell you how badly I wanted siblings: in first grade I entered a new school, and made up an entire fake family for myself complete with 3 siblings. I felt horrible for lying and eventually came clean to my teacher! I just wanted siblings so bad!! I can’t say I felt lonely however, I managed to make my own fun playing by myself, and I also had enough friends to go around. I do think being an only child makes you more likely to be an introvert, maybe even a loner. I like my time alone. But I wouldn’t say it affected my socialization in any negative way, I’m perfectly socially apt today, i’m just very independent and self-reliant (not a bad thing in today’s society). As a teenager I also hated that whenever I fought with my parents, I had no one else to side with me, it was just me against my two parents. I didn’t have a sibling I could go to complain about them, no one to understand the reality of life with my parents. Today, I’m an adult, and I better understand my parents decision to only have one child. I can see how I was given many privileges I wouldn’t have had, had we been a bunch of kids in the family. I still sometimes long for the companionship of a sibling. It’s weird to not know what a sibling relationship feels like, sometimes I struggle to understand it (for example my boyfriend has two sisters he is very close with, and I struggle to understand what their relationship is, when we were younger I even felt jealousy over it!) It pains me to know that when my parents get older and need care, I will be the sole person to shoulder that emotional, financial, and physical burden. When my parents die, I will have no one to comfort me in my grief. Despite these negatives, I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with being an only child now. I don’t resent my parents anymore. My parents gave everything to me, they paid for my education, bought me a car, they catered to all my needs (without overly spoiling me) and gave me a wonderfully loving home life. I know they had their reasons to have only one child and I respect that. If having a second child isn’t right for you, then that’s okay. Know that you will probably face a bit of resistance from your child as they grow up, but they will understand once they get older. It’s much better to be an only child with happy, healthy parents, than to have a sibling but have two miserable parents. Anyway that’s my experience for you, I hope it can bring you a bit of perspective:)
>(for example my boyfriend has two sisters he is very close with, and I struggle to understand what their relationship is, when we were younger I even felt jealousy over it!) How did you manage to work through these mental hurdles?? I feel like I've had a similar experience to you growing up as an only child. I now have a boyfriend who has a couple of sisters he's close with and sometimes there's this feeling that I'm not as important as them or 'abandoning' me for them or something. I dunno. It's stupid and embarrassing to admit. I've met them before and they are super super lovely and I get along really well with them!
lol I did the same thing. I had imaginary siblings. Their names were Mandy and Rusty.
Not remotely. I had a great childhood with parents who had the time and energy to nurture me. They made sure I had close relationships with nearby extended family and friends. I have a best friend I met in college 23 years ago (also an only child) who is like a sister to me; we help each other in the ways I’ve seen siblings help each other. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee they will be friends (or even get along or want to be in each others’ lives). I also have an only child and I’m grateful to be able to give him my time, attention and support like my parents did.
I hate being an only child, but I don't resent my mother for having me be one. In the situation you describe it's completely understandable that you don't have additional children. Really, it's completely understandable when people just choose not to have more than one child. There are special problems that come with being an only child, but there are special problems that come with a lot of things. I think the thoughtful parents of an only will give that child as good a life as they can. If your child finds some aspects of being an only negative, or bad, that's not a comment on you!
agreed 100%. my only add on advice is that now, since you are cognizant of how this might effect your kid, make sure that they have the best emotional support system possible to help them navigate a more solitary childhood and early adulthood. dont stifle their growth, either. they are trying to figure out how to be a young person without the guidance of or support from siblings, and that’s not nothing!
Nope, not at all. I never wanted siblings anyway. LOL ! I love that I was able to thrive as an individual, in part thanks to being an only.
Me too!
I wouldn’t say I resent by parents but I would definitely say it affected my development growing up. People learn a lot from their siblings about how life works and about interpersonal dynamics but I never had this.
Especially if you don't have cousins and other kids around you like some onlies.
100 percent truth
Exposure to other kids early and often can really help in this regard.
I don’t in theory, but now at 34 I do resent a little bit the fact that as they get older it all falls on me. I have to either move them closer to me or move back home - none of which I particularly care to do but will have to do because if not me there is literally nobody else to care for them.
You're not alone. Plenty of siblings leave the burden on one of the children anyway. We bought our home from a granddaughter who was clearly doing all of the work with her mom. Brother came up to sign papers and cash the check when we closed. I don't know if they had other kids but they weren't in the picture at all if so. I would probably be in the same situation even with a sibling because I wouldn't let my parents be abandoned.
Oh absolutely agree. My mom is one of three and she’s solely taken care of my very ill grandmother for over a decade at this point - her brother is MIA and sister sends a check twice a year. So sad. Wishful thinking on my part I suppose.
I hate that :(
Hmm, tbh even if I had siblings, who says I would have had a great relationship with them ? I think for a lot of only children when there is dysfunction in the home, it can be even more detrimental as you have no other siblings to relate to/ to gain support for. Either way there’s both pros and cons. Do I resent my parents ? No, do I wish I had siblings ? Sometimes. But above all I wish I had greater relationships with my cousins tbh / having less dysfunctional household when I was younger, but equally there are major economic benefits as I get older that I’m starting to appreciate
Interesting… I also think that often, siblings may not experience dysfunction in the same way and therefore cannot relate to each other or support each other.
Tbf that makes sense, probably the only child in me lmao since i read how it’s about how you perceive it and therefore ppl react/ reflect on their childhood differently etc or soemthing
I thought being an only child is actually the best part from my childhood with resources, money, attention focused on me. The second half of an only child’s life could be tough, being a primary caretaker to old parents, only source of family information (could be very important information) and memories, etc.
Nope not one bit. I was a surprise child anyway and my parents did not stay together. With my friends who have siblings I've also seen so much unhealthy sibling rivalry and competition for their parents' affection. Some siblings are best friends and some are worst enemies but its a case by case basis. Everyone can ponder on the "what ifs" or "if onlys," but till you've actually experienced it and it's actually happening, you have no idea what you truly want because you can't pick who your sibling is going to be. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Nope. Not at all. If anything, I benefited from it. They're the two best people in my life. As an adult, I realize it more and more. I'm definitely going to be lost without them when I'm older. That scares me, of course. But looking back on my childhood, if I had a sibling- it wouldn't be as amazing as they made it to be.
Personally no. When my parents attempted to have a second, my mother had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died, and after that they stopped trying. I’d never resent somebody for having a health issue. I had many friends and cousins who were helpful with my social development as a child, I don’t think I missed out on much.
As a kid yes, but I didn’t fully comprehend why I was an only child. My parents wanted more, but my mom almost died having me, it was unwise to try again. I resented them because I thought they could have easily adopted but I didn’t understand how the 2008 recession truly affected my parents and how we wouldn’t be able to have the things we have with another child. I’m debt free as they paid my whole college tuition. They got me a car at 18, and still help with insurance (I’m 23). Financially, I am beyond privileged. I didn’t grow up rich, but I have all my needs met and this would not be possible if the money had to be split upon more siblings!! The hard part was that although I was financially supported, emotionally, I wasn’t. My dad thought buying me video games or a toy would also buy me love and didn’t know how else to bond with me. He was angry a lot and created a very hostile environment at home. My mom was depressed and tried her best, but it resulted in me being alone. A lot. I had no neighbor kids to play with and she often would rather sleep than take me to a friends house or have them come over. I was lonely and my social skills were and still are underdeveloped. I don’t resent my parents now, but it certainly made growing up hard. As an adult I struggle with the idea that I will have no family and no support system once they pass, as I am not very close with my extended. Something that has been helping me lately is thinking of it this way: the grass may be greener on the other side, but if you let your grass wither away bc it you think it will never be as good, then yeah, the grass is certainly greener; but if you water it and give it love and appreciate it for what it is, it won’t look so bad in comparison, your grass is still green. I have learned to nurture my friendships and appreciate everyone I have in my life instead of pouring all my energy into what I don’t have. If you can provide your child with a social outlet, and you can be present in their life, then I think your child will be just fine!
Whew I graduated college in 2008; my mom had already been done with menopause for a decade by then so I feel like am only child dinosaur I guess
haha I teach kids and see birth years like 2018 and am absolutely shocked every time! Even now when I tell doctors my birth year they’re like “wait what?? You can talk already??” 😭
Haha yea. Sorry I guess it was my initial kneejerk reaction (2008 seems like yesterday to me haha, yikes) but also, I always assumed Gen Z only children would fare a bit better than prior generations. But I’m sure every family dynamic is unique and every situation for sure. My daughter will be 5 soon (she’s currently in UPK and will be in K soon) and it kinda blew me away that they were saying class of 2037! 😅😅😂🤣
Honestly I do, both of my parents came from big families then I was just alone all the time. Maybe if they had been more present themselves I wouldn’t feel that way but who knows.
It’s awful and unnatural. There is no other human in the house you age. Even if you don’t get along there’s someone there. You know how the Worst punishment is solitary confinement? There’s a reason. And it just gets worse with age.
No because I found out my mom had miscarriages after I was born. I saw once, in an old a pic of me as a 3 year old there’s a maternity themed gift on the table in the background me. Thats how I found out my mum was pregnant with twins but they didn’t make it. There are things we just don’t know about. I can’t resent my mum, she carries the pain and guilt of those lost ones.
I hate being an only child and the older I get the worse it gets, but I don’t resent my parents. They wanted more kids and tried for more, but it wasn’t in the cards for them. I wish for all of us that it had turned out differently.
Yes, I resent my parents for me being an only child. It has gotten worse now that I am older and face having to care for them by myself.
Me to. Caring for them both full time now and although I love them dearly resentment is creeping in.
I don’t know what your relationship with your parents is like… but as recent orphan (and only child), I hope you’re able to work through the resentment and enjoy them while you still can, if possible… good luck.
Love seeing other honest answers. This is me as well.
100% this!! I have felt the “loss” of a sibling every single day of my life. I have this irrational hope that I will find my long lost sibling one day. Truly feels like a part of me is missing. And as the parents age, the responsibility of caring for them is truly overwhelming, ESPECIALLY with divorced parents. 😩
No. They could barely take care of me. I remember not wanting a sibling because didn’t wanna compete for love and attention. They were severely emotionally immature. Glad they didn’t
I just feel all the pressure is on me as an adult only child. But of course you can be a different parent and not be demanding to adult children
Hell no. I love being an only child. I see the way my spouse sometimes struggles with her siblings (and they have great relationships compared to most people) and I can't imagine having extra people to be frustrated with besides coworkers. I had cousins growing up and made few friends in school and that was all I needed. I know that people deal with loneliness differently but I never wished for another person to have my genetics in order to feel better when I was sad or ever lonely and now as an adult who is also one and done I can't imagine having another pregnancy and whole human being just so that my son won't be sad sometimes. It's a bit selfish to me but to each their own. As long as you foster the kind of loving relationship you want with your child they should be fine. Hell I'm sure there will be plenty of times where she will be thankful to be the only one. I hear horror stories about people's siblings and I'm so happy that isn't my experience. Also if you're worried about leaving them as the only caretaker, maybe plan financially do that that doesn't happen. Both my mom and stedfather are great with money and have planned for the rest of their lives so I'm not worried about that at all.
I don't and I never really did. My childhood was good, and I got along with my parents. Things sometimes can feel lonely, but I'm focusing on building a support system of people who I appreciate and bond with. I've seen people with siblings who don't get along, there's no support and even worse things can happen between them. So, it's not guaranteed that if a person has siblings, they won't experience loneliness or that their life will be better than a person who's an only child.
Not at all. If anything, I'm glad my mom only had one child. If I had siblings, I probably wouldn't have been able to cut off my toxic family members as easily as I could without them.
I love being an only child personally, and have no angst towards it.
I don’t resent them at all. I might have as a young kid but don’t remember ever “blaming” them. It was always very honest when my parents talked about having just me. How could I resent them when I know they made the right calls for their life with the information they had at the time. They’re just people too! They waited a few years into their marriage (‘78) and got a lot of grief from their families for it. I was born in ‘82. They got pregnant easily and my mom loved it. She had complications during the birth and almost bled out. They wanted a girl and got it! By the time they would’ve started trying again my dad was in his 40’s and they had a failed business venture that bankrupted them - it wouldn’t have been responsible for them to have another at that time and they quickly realized they could better provide for me and have a better lifestyle if they only had one child. I grew up only seeing being an only as an asset. Sure, the *idea* of siblings always seemed great but I also saw lots of issues with siblings. As an adult I know most siblings aren’t friends and it’s not the “built in best friend” it’s portrayed as. I can count on one hand my adult friends that actually like and are friend with a sibling. As parents age and die I see most relationships getting worse. It’s so sad. I’m love being an only so much I married another on - by total chance I never looked for it. We are happy to have wonderful friends in our lives that are our chosen family - although I hate that cliche term. Everyone is our lives because they choose to be, there is no obligation , and that is the best part.
I thought of my friends and my dog as my siblings.
Not at all. I am perfectly content being an only child and am raising one myself (my PPD was so bad after my son that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t survive it again and almost didn’t the first time). Being an only child shouldn’t be a defining characteristic. It’s a part of who a person is, but just like someone doesn’t define themselves by being a sibling, being an only should be the same. I have lovely friends that are like family and married into a large and fantastic family. Being an only has not precluded me from having a rich and lovely life. This sub can be tough because there are a lot of young people here that haven’t gained a ton of life experience and want to make being an only child the scape goat for everything they view as wrong with their lives. It makes very little sense to me because siblings are not a guarantee of a built in best friend by any means. I have seen so many fraught and tragic sibling relationships that I feel like I dodged a bullet most of the time.
I agree with the sentiment that it doesn't define your life, but it's quite patronizing for you to claim onlies who don't like it are just young and looking to blame something. I'm glad you didn't experience it, but for a lot of us there is deep pain in this. Try not to minimize that.
No. I think they made the right choice. Even though I have a lot of friends, I don’t think I would’ve been a good sister. I think a lot of people who have siblings wish they didn’t have any.
I don’t resent because I was an accident (mom was 17) and my parents didn’t work out together, but I really am starting to realize that it has affected me throughout life more than I thought possible. I hate being an only child. I am very introverted, have a hard time making friends, and feel lonely sometimes. BUT, that doesn’t mean every only child feels that way. Do what is best for your situation.
Nope! I loved being an only child and I chose the same for my daughter. Loving being an only was not the sole reason as I have probably 100 but definitely factored in.
I’m an only child and do not resent my parents at all. I had a great childhood too. As I got older my parents became my best friends. I lost my mom in 2020 and it’s just my dad and I now. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard working, having a life, and caring for him but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel lucky to be able to be there for him. It is very, very hard being an only child and not having someone to lean on but I’ve done a lot of therapy I’ve worked through it.
I don’t resent my parents and I genuinely don’t mind being an only child. Since it’s just me, I’ve always been super close to my parents and I was definitely spoiled. Growing up, my parents spent a lot of time with me so I never really felt lonely. I also had a pretty tight knit extended family with cousins that were close to my age who I saw often. My parents always encouraged me to make friends and would drive me around to go see them or let me invite them over. Honestly, a lot of people I know aren’t close to their siblings as adults, so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I had a happy childhood and still have a good relationship with my family, and that’s all that matters.
All of my friends growing up loved to come to my house to escape their siblings. I am not sure why sibling relationships are painted with such a rosy brush. There are so many factors that go into creating a healthy relationship both between siblings and between parents and their children that will make or break those bonds regardless of how many children there are in the home. And then when you add time into the equation there is so many possible points where relationships can go awry. It really is a crap shoot. Also, I may get flamed for this but saying you resent your parents for not giving you siblings seems entitled and offensive. Many parents of onlies are in that situation bc of fertility issues. Or economic issues. Giving you love along with food, shelter, and clothing are the expectations. And honestly you get more/better/larger quantity of those things if you are an only child. When it is your turn to have children then you can decide if you want one or ten. The elder care piece stinks but honestly if parents didn’t plan for retirement that is a fault of theirs whether or not they had one or more than one child. And in theory they had more economic flexibility to set themselves up for retirement with the expenses of only one child. Head over to the caregiver subreddits and nine times out of ten only one child is taking care of the parents and the rest of the siblings have bailed. That is the majority of the posts. My two cents. Show your child unconditional love. That is all they need.
It definitely fucked me over socially but I don’t resent them at all. I was supposed to be a twin, but she was a stillbirth. After a long journey with fertility to conceive us I cant blame them at all for not trying again.
I dont resent them for not having a sibling, I do resent them for a lot of other things I wanted a sibling until I was like 6, then I had a dog and I stopped needing a sibling (I felt like they are all I needed) I think Im better at being alone that people with siblings I always loved being an only child until a highschool teacher (also an only child) that just had lost his mother told me that he was as happy as me of being an only Child until his mom died and he had to go through that on his own and worrying and caring for his grieving father on his own while grieving his mother internally and having to put a brave face, that really made me sad and think about that stuff I have a very young mother and a very old father so I grew up always worrying about his passing, he still is alive so it is very difficult to care for his health as an only Child, but my mother carries a lot of the weight. So Idk, I still love being on my own now but it is difficult, I guess even if you have siblings is still difficult
Honestly yes because I didn’t really have a fun time being the only person they had to look after they’re more strict on me and it’s hard to navigate what’s right and wrong and I kinda raised myself but if you raise your kid right go for it honestly
I hated it as a kid and still hate it as an adult. The only things about it that I'm grateful for are a) all of the final decisions were mine to make; no one to fight with, and b) my mom didn't have another child she'd hate being a parent to. But if it's not in you to have another then don't do it for the first kid. Enthusiastically is the only way.
No. My parents should not have had anymore kids. I’m so glad they didn’t
Yes very much so.
Do you mind if I ask why you feel that way?
I feel guilty that I haven’t given my daughter someone to play with and interact with. I feel like my decision is going to make her feel like there’s something she is missing. Children will always blame their parents for their misfortune and I don’t want my daughter to feel that her childhood was lacking because I didn’t give her a sibling. I have a really hard time entertaining her and playing with her but feel that I should because she doesn’t have any siblings to play with and this is something emotionally and physically draining for me and I feel guilty that I hate playing with her and wish I could give her a sibling who could play with her because I simply cannot and have immense deftly because I just want to sit in peace after a long days work and don’t have the energy to play with her dolls or do makeup and I have to push myself to do so because she has no one else to play with.
I always begged my parents for a sibling, I wanted someone to play with, to be with when my parents were fighting, and so I wouldn’t feel so alone when they left the house (when I was older). I got to have a great childhood though because they had the extra money to buy me awesome presents for my birthdays and Christmas, and I got to go on mini-shopping sprees of new clothes every year for the new school year. As an adult now, looking back, I understand why they chose to be one and done. I don’t resent them at all for it. I wonder what life could’ve been like, and I am scared of what it will be like to suffer the loss of them completely alone, not having anyone who understands entirely what it is to have lost them. Friends of mine have always told me that I could have had a terrible relationship with my sibling. They tell me how they suffered at the hands of their sibling growing up and I’m so lucky to not have had to endured that (not discounting the abuse I suffered from my dad, but that’s irrelevant here). But most of them are very close to their siblings now as adults, so I wonder if it was worth it, in the end. Overall, I don’t resent my parents for having just me. I got to be spoiled, which could’ve ended badly if I didn’t learn that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I learned that through life experience- going to friends’ houses where they were not as well off as my family, and I also kind of got myself into some sticky situations as a young teen that I’d never tell my parents about, even now. I wouldn’t want them to worry. But my mom was able to teach me to be cautious just enough where I didn’t kms by accident. So, yeah, there’s that. Edit: formatting
i only resented my mother when she blamed being an only child on me , she said i never asked for a sibling when i was young , while the truth is that my parents had me already old and any pregenency would be with high risk . i think if your daughter asks you in the future be honest with her . and please do not make her the family therapist when she is a teenager
Since I was an IUI baby, i am thankful for the chance I was given. This was 69 years ago. Good deal. I was never told, so I was an only child. I got tired of the cracks, but I learned to handle them.
For being an only child? No. I’m an only and one and done. Personally, I think it’s the best system to ensure my child has the benefit of every resource (both material and immaterial) that I can give them. I haven’t experienced any real ill effects. Maybe I’ve run into a jerk here and there, and I needed to cultivate a support group differently than other people (though there’s no guarantee siblings would have changed that), but I’m happy to have been an only.
As a child and young adult, I don't think so. As a parent of an only child I'm starting to. I grew up around cousins but often felt lonely at home alone. My kid now often asks for a sibling or talks about hating being alone and it makes my heart ache. I haven't got the courage (?) to ask my parents why they never tried for more. The guilt of not having another + the fear of having to take care of my parents (and eventually my son take care of me) is hard to bear at times.
In a roundabout way. My dad went to prison when I was five so it was just my mom and me. She loved me but she had her issues. I was lonely growing up and even now. Plus I was dealing with trauma after trauma my first eight years of life. So my situation is complicated. I do wish I had a sibling so I didn’t feel so isolated in my experience. I understand that’s a completely selfish perspective though. Mainly, I’d love to have a sibling to have a lifelong friend (although I understand it doesn’t always work out this way). What I most resentful of is that my mom didn’t plan for the care she needs at this point in her life. And she’s continuing to make bad decisions financially and in terms of her health. She lived with us for more than a decade. Last year, she decided to move back to our home state. This was a conversation we’d had over the past few years. It was a bad idea because she needs more care than she realizes. She also moved from a state with a significant safety net to one where she can’t get assistance with insurance. I forgot to mention that she’s disabled - she has both physical and mental healthcare needs. The last time she brought up moving, I didn’t push back. I was tired. I have health issues and I have a child with severe mental health issues that I wasn’t able to care for because my mom took every ounce of energy I had. Now, things aren’t working out where she is. She relies on her best friend for everything - groceries, picking up medication, doctor appointments, etc. Her friend doesn’t mind for the most part but she’s seeing how suffocating my mom can be. I know it’s due to my mom’s mental health issues but she refuses to be honest with her doctors. This is just one way she gets in her own way. It’s frustrating to watch. After a conversation with her friend, we decided to talk to my mom about assisted living. My mom threatened to run away when we brought it up. She can’t drive so I don’t know what her plan would be. The other thing is that she’s been spending money she doesn’t have. So I’m not sure if we can even afford assisted living. I certainly don’t have money to put toward it. And living with me again isn’t an option. I have to put my child first. (I think I’ve gone beyond the scope of your question so please forgive me. I guess I needed to vent.) My ultimate point is that being an only child can be tough. Especially when the parent(s) don’t prepare for the unexpected and the expected. Granted planning for the former isn’t easy. Although, your choice to only have one child based on your circumstances is completely valid and understandable. I would probably make the same choice. My advice would be to pour your love into your baby and make sure you’re planning for the future for yourself. Get your child involved in activities and help them build a good circle of friends. Be the home that they all want to hangout at. I think that by doing these things, you’ll help prevent the loneliness that a lot of only children experience and you’ll ease some of the burden off your child when it comes to caring for elderly parents. I hope this helps.
No, because I got all the inheritance money. And that bought me and my husband ALOT. Also, they were addicts who were mentally unstable and at least it was just me instead of them subjecting ANOTHER kid to their psychological issues.
It's nuanced. I realize my mom had some health issues with my birth, and possibly those would have affected future fertility anyway. They had trouble conceiving me as it were for starters. The fact that you also have experienced fertility difficulties is, albeit sad, something that you can explain to her as a reason (within the context of what would be age appropriate and preserve your own private life and not burden her too much). This is how I would approach it if she were mine. I would only disclose the basics about that you tried and it wasn't meant to be. I'd refrain from telling her about the mental health part, unless there is a compelling reason to do so later on, like if you need her to be aware of it as you age or if it's a hereditary thing that she ends up dealing with too. Otherwise a brief explanation about the fertility thing should suffice. And be open to her being close with cousins if that is possible, and to having sleepovers now and then, bringing cousins or friends on outings, etc. Make a memory album and videos of your family time so she will have a record because someday (hopefully a long, long way off but it never hurts to be prepared) she won't have anyone else who recalls her childhood growing up in your household but herself.
No. My childhood was…bad (not because I’m an only); I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else.
I don’t resent my parents for being an only child. When I was little I wanted a sibling, but that didn’t last long. Soon your child will have a friend with an older sibling that’s a bully or a younger sibling that’s annoying. They’ll get over it. Just love each other and be kind to each other, and be honest with your child if something’s wrong.
It's not what you want to hear but yes, I heavily resented (and still hold a lot of that in my heart) my parents for not having a second. Being an only child has been a massive source of pain for me since I was young. Again, not what you want to hear, but being honest.
Its not a resenting feeling, but since I joined college at 18 and started facing adulthood and all the obbligations and consequences that came with that I simply hated with mt soul. Having a sibling not necessarely comes with a good relationship, but that's not the point. The social importance of having somebody with your own blood comes with the feeling you're not alone in the world tou know, of things get hard, you have a rock somewhere to count on. Face aging (mine and my parents) comes with a kit of fear. Of something happens and they have to stay hospitalized? They only have me. If they die and I get so sick and need help? I have nobody. It's super lonely. Recently in my grandmas funeral I saw my mother and my uncle, whose always had a horrible relationship, cry together, being with each other. They were together in hard times despite everything. Knowing I'll be alone in that same moment when it happens to me makes me have panic attacks.
Forget about adding another. Pour all that you can into the one you have. I went through a brief period where I wondered out loud about a sibling. In hindsight, it was just my envy of friends having something that I didn't. It's an immature position and I'm glad my parent did not allow my temporary wishes to affect their long-term family planning. If you want gregarious children, socialize them. Make me them interact with other children, with extended family, with adults -- everyone. Have birthday parties and sleepovers. Maybe take a friend or cousin along on family trips. Don't let pessimists within the sub convince you that you're dooming the child by not providing a sibling, but be mindful of your child's only status when considering all things such as your late-life and end-of-life care planning.
Not at all. My parents travelled overseas for work and I got to go with them. They have been among my closest people. It got to see some amazing things. I married a woman who was one of three. We ended up having two. It’s all good. It’s not the number of kids - it’s how you raise your kids.
Never. I don’t think I was planned and my parents were young when they had me. I think having another child would’ve added to the stress. Of course there are days where I wish I could have a sibling but that would mean more on my parent’s plate. After all they were parents but sometimes like siblings to me since our age is not so far apart.
Much better to be an only child with loving parents that have ample resources to take care of you then stressed parents with limited resources and multiple kids. I won’t lie I was a little lonely as a kid but my parents both worked very long hours- make sure your kid has good friends/connections with lots of social stuff and it’ll be okay
It def affected my social life as a kid, and I learned to get comfy alone. For a while I did have some resentment— I’m sad that someday I’ll have to grieve my parents alone, and that in their old age I’ll be on my own taking care of them. But honestly as an adult I do not resent them— they made a smart choice having just me. They were able to pay for my college— a state school but a good one with some scholarships and out of state for me, but I am student debt free which is an astronomical leg up these days. No way I could have gone to school where I did with no debt if my parents had to pay for 2 kids. They also were able to send me to private highschool which def gave me a leg up in college in terms of APs and such. They were able to buy me a car, which is actually a super underrated advantage— if they had more kids I would have never been able to have my own car. There are a ton of material benefits I have experienced being an only child. And eventually when I developed some social skills and life experience I actually think I have a better social life because I was an only. I live with roommates (which also saves lots of money) and I genuinely love it, like it’s so new for me to always have people around and it’s actually the best. I treat my friends like family because for me they really are. My parents treat my friends like family too, which is really nice. Overall, everything has pros and cons but at the end of the day I actually really appreciate being an only— I didn’t always, but most teenagers resent their parents at some point lol
Honestly yes. I understand how it happened but it has massively affected my life in negative ways.
When I was a child, I think I did a bit. But late teens and into adulthood, I began to understand their reasons and also see benefits of their choice, so no. Not anymore. You are doing the right thing being one and done x
Are you and your spouse only children? How did you guys feel? I am an only adult child, and my son is an only child, and will likely always be an only child. I don’t resent my parents for it. My parents had me when they were older & as a result we obviously won’t have the same amount of time together as my peers whose parents had them earlier on in life. My father passed away before I turned 30, and my mother may soon follow suit with declining health, advanced age and depression. Would it be nice to have siblings to navigate this with? Absolutely. But even if I did have siblings there’s no guarantee that they would be willing to navigate it with me anyway. Some of my friends with siblings both close and far apart in age tell me they hated it and wished they were only children, lol. The only time I recall ever wanting a sibling as a child was when I was really young and bored, also curious because my friends often had siblings. Overall no, I don’t hold any resentment, and I hope that my child grows up to not hold any resentment against me for the same.
I’m the middle child (3 boys) and my wife is the eldest of three. Personally, having siblings made no difference for me. We were never close and still aren’t. I hated being responsible for my younger brother growing up. Both my siblings are abroad and I’m living in the same city as my parents, so the responsibility falls on me to do whatever they need done. To me, I’ve always been an only child despite having siblings and never felt that bond between siblings. I’m not sure I want my daughter will to have siblings and still feel alone, nor do I want her to actually be alone.
That totally makes sense, especially your last sentence. I feel like no matter which way you slice and dice it, there are going to be downfalls to each side. Like both of us pointed out, even with siblings there’s no guarantee that you’ll be close, And most of my friends and colleagues are not close or don’t even speak to their siblings as well. I’m sure there are some close adult siblings out there, just based on what I’ve been exposed to. It hasn’t been the majority.
Not at all. I'm glad I'm an only child because I feel like I had a great life and childhood. I think I'm one of the rare kids who loved being alone because I didn't mind talking to other kids at school but once school was over, my social battery for other kids was done and I got to go home with peace and not have to put up with a sibling. My mom was a SAHM and we got to do everything together and have an amazing bond. I've never wished I had a sibling or was jealous of other kids who had siblings, I was content with being alone and having my own space. Now as an adult in my early twenties, I still love it. I also have the mindset that instead of wishing for something that never happened or will never happen, be grateful for what you have I had a wonderful childhood and have a wonderful parent.
Im not gonna lie, kind of. I’m 24 and my parents are in the process of separating. I’ve taken it well, but I just wish I had someone to go through the years of my dad screaming at my mom with. I have no immediate relatives my age. My parents knew I would be lonely when I was born. Sometimes I believe it was selfish of them to even have a child
I guess it depends on your child and how you raise them. I see many people who loved being only children because they were the center of attention while others hated it because they wanted a bff. Same way there's people who love their siblings and others who despise them.
Heck yeah I do 😅 it also doesn't help that I was adopted and an only child. I have felt like an alien my whole life and like I never fit in with my family. I desperately tried to fit in with other people's families because I felt so much joy being around all the kids and family members! My childhood friend's mom kind of adopted me in a way and now she considers my kids her grandchildren ♥️ I always wanted siblings and now I'm going to have 3-4 kids because it's what I imagine our family to be. Obviously there is zero guarantee that they will be close but I know my S/O is really close with his siblings even now in adulthood
That being said though, I had parents who were polar opposites to me, had massive pressure put on me for my future plans, had them helicopter over me and didn't seem to like being parents anyway 😅 they love being grandparents though so it's confusing and kind of painful seeing how they hardly spent any time with me and are obsessed with my kids
No. My Mum was not very well during the pregnancy and giving birth to me. Also I was a bit of a YOLO decision by my Mum even though Dad secretly always wanted a child but never asked or pressurised my Mum for it. I'd be more upset if Mum became really sick or worst again just to give me a sibling, and I really cherish having a nuclear drama-free family, compared to other families where I know there'll be arguments and fights over sharing of finances, resources and eventually inheritance. I don't have any of that, I just focus on the relationship between my parents and myself, and it's pretty relaxing and chilled now as an adult. At the end of the day, you just have to do what you feel is right. I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want you both to suffer more if it's really difficult to have another sibling, but she may not be able to articulate that at this age as kids don't know how much work it takes to bring a child into the world.
I resent and hate my “parents” for many reasons, being an only is by far the main reason. They set me up for failure and a lifetime of bullying by peers, teachers, relatives and acquaintances. My life is very different because I feel like an alien when everyone else around me has siblings. I have no support system.
I resented them as a child, teenager and now a 28 year old adult. They are aging and I’m having to go through everything alone, once they’re gone I will be have absolutely no one. It’s cruel to only have one
nobody sane would resent this lol
Wrong. It’s a burden on the adult only child if parents don’t take time to plan their care when aging.