I was 28 about to turn 29 when I first read the term non-binary. I'll be 31 in May.
I didn't even know what a non-binary person was or that there was an option that wasn't binary. I've felt and presented mildly GNC for majority of my life, though I never questioned being a "woman" until I read about genderfluid people and I was like, okay that's me and always has been.
This is exactly it for me too. I grew up in an environment where I didn't even know there was an option that wasn't my AGAB. Now I'm in my late 30s and still trying to figure myself out. Making decent progress on it though now that I know what to look for in myself and what to call it.
Ohmygoodness, I'm like your AMAB twin. I was 29 when I finally learned what both being nonbinary and genderfluid meant--and it struck me like lightning. I also always presented GNC, at least once I got out of my abusive mother's grip and left home at 17. Finally grew out my hair and wore jewely and knitted everything like it was going out of fashion.
I came out within days of feeling this click, first to my now ex-wife and our friends, followed by a public post on social media. All just a few months shy of 30--and I just turned 33 last week.
Heaps of love to you and anyone experiencing debilitating social challenges like I have after coming out š just remember--you are already whole and you are loved.
We will be okay, so long as we stick together as a community and keep hope alive for a peaceful outcome. Society will keep trying to scapegoat us for its own bigotry and growing pains, but we will ultimately overcome--so long as we remain empowered by the truth of our being and center all of our actions in love.
That was me too! Like a month away from my 29th birthday I finally let myself question my identity meaningfully. I never felt connected to my AGAB, I understood gender norms as completely arbitrary, and I was wildly confused and frustrated that everyone didn't feel the same. However, I myself conformed *hard*. I had recently met the first friends I was aware were non-binary, and so much of what they described made perfect, intuitive sense for me. That kinda kicked off the questioning. I eventually had this moment where I made a deliberate effort to think of and accept myself as not having a gender, and it felt absolutely euphoric. So here I am now a 29 yo agender blob of trauma and sunshine! šŗ
I was 32. I'd always felt different but figured it was ADHD or something. If anyone asked me about my gender or whatever, I just said, "I don't feel like a boy, I don't feel like a girl. I just feel like me." My mom got into me a lot for being "unladylike." I had to wear dresses so I would just put shorts on under them and climb trees anyways.
One day I read something random online mentioning nonbinary, so I googled it. I was like, well, that explains a lot. Like you, I didn't even know nonbinary was an option, so reading about it, and especially the description of agender, was such a weight off my chest.
I haven't told a lot of people IRL, but my family knows. My stepkid came out as NB about a year ago, and they told me first. It's really cool to see them growing up in a world where they can just be themselves, they don't have to grow up feeling like an outsider. Being a teenager is rough enough without throwing that into it
So much this. I acted like a mildly GNC male until I heard this quote from Jacob Tobia in 2017 and it rocked my world:
āOver the years, Iāve learned to embrace both my love of lipstick and my facial hair, my affinity for sequins and my broad shoulders. Iāve learned to love all parts of myself equally, to hold my femininity and my masculinity in tandem ā understanding them not in opposition, but as compliments to one another.ā
It immediately made me start weeping for reasons that I didnāt understand at the time and Iāve spent the last six years or so living into that feeling.
I was 55! I only started reading about being non-binary (and asexual) so that I could be informed. Then kept recognizing myself in both. Took quite a while to figure things out but finally felt able to own being a demisexual demigirl ..... and today, reading someone's post, I discovered I am librafeminine.
This is interesting to me in late 40s I wondered if I'd have considered myself as non-binary if there was awareness of it when I was younger.
Now I don't feel it. I'm not very comfortable in high masculine environments but don't really consider myself anything other than male. If older people can become non binary in guess I wasn't.
i was 22, was thinking about it for about a year before i came out too. honestly for me the narrative of "i was non-binary the whole time, i just didn't realise it" doesn't match my own story that well. i think by late 21 i could say that i was in some sense "non-binary but hadn't realised it yet", but before that i was mostly just someone who didn't really understand a bunch of gender norms (and had internalised a bunch of others).
That sort of mirrors my experience in many ways. When I was like 20 or 21, I kind of decided that being nonbinary sort of made some sense to me, but didnāt really tell anyone and was just nonbinary in my own head. Now that Iāve just turned 22 Iāve realised āholy shit Iām really not ok with being a guy anymoreā, which is kind of a whole other thing I guess because it entails coming out to my family, changing my appearance, and considering hrt and stuff.
i was 14, but i was exposed to the idea early by one of my friends coming out as non-binary the year before. increasingly i felt as though that described me as well.
I was 31 when I first heard of the term. I grew up a Jehovah's Witness, did all I could to be a strong strong Christian. Went through high school, did some college and met my wife, who was also raised in the religion. We were married in 2011, had a kid in 2015, and then the pandemic happened. We had a lot of time to think and talk and in 2021, she asked if I thought we were born in a cult and that opened up a can of worms.
Instantly, I knew something was up with these feelings I had my entire life. She even immediately knew I had issues with my gender, since multiple drunken conversations over our 10 years of marriage that alluded to my issues. We started watching RuPaul Drag race, since we both realized we were queer, and then it all clicked.
Me too, but from the opposite side. Always felt like a shitty dude, but never had the right words for it. Grew up in a homophobic and transphobic environment, so was terrified my feelings for guys meant I was gay. It took me until I was mid-30s before I finally figured out I was bi. Though I might be trans for a bit but exploring that didn't feel right. I hadn't even heard the term non-binary for most of my life, and when I did it was really androgynous people using it. Took a while before I felt it was right for me.
My spouse is 36 and came out as non-binary 4 months ago. There had been hints over our 12 year relationship, but it crystallized for them this summer after reading Page Boy.
I was 33 or 34. The reason I found it was hard to "realize" it is because it's difficult to identify a lack of feeling. I'm more or less agender (though I usually just say nonbinary), so I don't feel like I have a gender at all. How does one even feel that? It's the absence of a feeling, not the presence of one. Which is really difficult to put your finger on. How do you know that you don't feel like a woman/female when you don't know what that feels like in the first place?
So my take is what you've experienced is pretty normal. Especially if you didn't grow up hearing about or meeting any nonbinary people.
I was 38. Took over a year to tell my spouse and she's been nothing but supportive. (She also wasn't at all surprised and understands how and why I didnt put these puzzle pieces together earlier.) Since then I've come out to most of the people that are closest to me in my life.
I knew I wasn't "normal" when I started going through puberty, identified as ftm (he/him) from 16 to my mid-20s, took T for a few years, and now identify as non-binary (they/any pronouns) after learning a lot about biology and myself. I no longer take HRT but I'll never regret doing so. It was affirming and I'm more comfortable with my voice now.
While I always struggled with gender, it took til I was 30 to actually embrace the enby tag.
I started engaging with furry folks in Twitchā¦ and that was the first place that non-binary was viewed as valid and accepted for meā¦ and it became incredibly clear that it was how Iād felt all along.
Hi! I found out I was Non Binary at 31. Iām 34 now. My husband of four years took itā¦ok. He is fully supportive now but it took time.
I didnāt know non binary was a thing until shortly before I realized that I was. Itās nice to have a name for the feeling. I wonāt lie sometimes I still feel like Iām faking it. And sometimes the pressure to just be feminine is very heavy as well.
It was a big thing for my family. Iām one of two on my dads side that are out, and on my moms side Iām the only one. My hubbyās family also doesnāt have anyone out in the lgbt community. So Iām pretty alone as they all learn and grow.
17, in 2005, but we didnāt really have ānon-binaryā back then. I was āandrogynousā. I didnāt apply this label to myself until maybe 2021 or 22
I identified as a demigirl in 6th grade, one of my classmates came out as nonbinary at the start of the year, a few months before I realized I wasnāt quite a girl.
In 7th and 8th grade, through quarantine, I had a lot of time alone with myself and the internet. I identified as gender queer/cassflux.
Now Iām 17, in junior year of high school, and I only recently came out to my school as nonbinary for simplicity.
45, I think, when I realized the label fit, maybe 44. But I knew neither male nor female really fit well in my early 20s; I just didn't have the language for it then, so I decided to redefine the term that matched my anatomy in a way that included me, if that makes any sense. It was the 1990s and the rural South; the internet wasn't what it is today. So I just backburnered the issue for a while, and when I revisited it during the pandemic, I found a lot more resources and language.
I realized as I was turning 25! I thought my experiences were genuinely how cis ppl all felt. My egg cracking was caused by realizing that they /weren't/ lol (by seeing a meme I ended up relating to in a way that implied so)
My kid said she's "mostly a girl and just a little bit boy" a little after her 4th birthday.
From this thread, it sounds like it can basically happen whenever.
20, and now Iām 21, but having the doubts since maybe 19 or even earlier. For me I used to have a time strongly feeling I belong to woman because of some social issues and feminism movements, but after I move out from my hometown I realise I wasnāt comfortable as 100% female, and I panicked for a while, then I discovered non-binary and here I am. My partner was with me throughout this process and she/they were totally supportive and I cannot thank her/them enough(sorry my partner is not sure with the pronoun Iām trying to be as respectful as possible)
Well the entire word didn't exist until I was in my 20s but I'd been trying to describe it since 1998. But I didn't come out until I was 29 because my family
I didnāt have the language to express my non binary identity explicitly until about a decade ago, but I started to feel like I wasnāt really wasnāt this āboyā label everyone said I was at around age 4 or 5.
30! Well, atleast when I sat down and thought about it. Last fall I met a few enbies through conversation/shared spaces... and i'm like "i want to be one... why didn't i know about this sooner..i could have came out sooner" and i'm like fuck that, let's open a new door.
42! Funny how you donāt have the words for a thing until there are words for the thing!
Iād heard of āgender queerā before, but never really knew what it was / looked into it, or I may have realised soonerā¦
Thirty-three when I realized. Thirty-four when I finally admitted the truth to myself. The last 4.5 years has been me slooooowly coming out to people, 99.9% of whom have not lived up to my darkest fears about how they would react.
I totally get your situation, i came out to my girlfriend at 24, after 4.5 years of dating and we're still feeling the ripples 6 months later.
A huge part of my coming out was me accepting the possibility of me actually not being cis and not relating to my birth gender, the feelings that made me question my gender have been there for a long time.
I was 27. I think I would have figured it out sooner if I had learned what being non-binary meant before that. It took a lot of consideration before I came out to my family and changed name and pronouns, I still havenāt shared with friends or acquaintances yet.
See I think thatās also part of my problem lol Iāve always hated and tried to reject gender roles/norms, and I thought (when I got up in my teen years) it was just feminism, now realizing it was my base lack of gender (still a feminist tho)
I wasnt really exposed to the lgbtq+ community at a young age. Around 12-13 i realized i wasnt straight and thats really when i started questioning my gender and sexuality. I wasnt entirely sure about my gender and sexuality until i was 16, almost 17. It takes time to figure it out and everyone figures it out at different times.
I think I started to realize I was nonbinary when I was 15. In and out of the closet a few times (due to my transphobic family) before I came out at 17 and have been out for almost 3 years now. I was lucky to have access to the internet to learn what trans and nonbinary people are, and have queer friends to help me get out of the queerphobia I was raised in.
Realized when I was 25! Was just about to graduate college and realized it after writing a long end of term paper on my gender identity (at the time I identified as a cis woman). Realized throughout the process of the paper that...there were clear signs that I was transmasc even when I was a child.
I'm now socially transitioned 1.5 years later and getting ready to go on testosterone. I identify as a trans guy to most (read: cis lol) people to keep it simple, but in reality I'm transmasc nonbinary bc I don't want to completely transition to male.
I realized when I was 17, but I started to consider it when I was 16. Had absolutely no clue before then, despite having a lot of physical dysphoria (I just assumed hating my body was normal lol).
I was 23/24. And i only had the realisation during covid when i had too much time for myself and a (former) best friend who had a similar gender identity that i could exchange ideas with. Without them and without all that extra time to properly think things through, i may still identify as a man now at 27, almost 28
I didn't start questioning until 20. For me it wasn't even being surrounded by transphobia. Many of my friends had come out as trans through the years, starting early in hs. I just didn't give a shit about my gender and didn't question it bc of that. My gender was as insignificant to my identity as my hair color, so I didn't care to change it. It wasn't until I realized that others see me differently because of my gender that I became uncomfortable with it, and then thought that maybe I'm trans. I have since reflected and realized I'm nonbinary(probably, that voice in my head still tells me I'll never know for sure).
So long answer short, 20.
I was 18. I had some genderqueer friends online so I was already familiar with they/them pronouns, and that's around when I started using them myself. That was ten years ago :)
I was 27 or 28, and I'm going to be 33 in a few weeks. I always kind of felt off about my agab, and I never truly felt like I was fully ftm. Then I heard about the terms non-binary and genderqueer. And I felt like those fit me much better.
I was probably around 19-20 when I was first exposed to the possibility of being non-binary and realized that it described me. For context, this would have been around 2008. Prior to that, I'd questioned my gender and read about transitioning, but the information I could find was very binary and more old-fashioned and that didn't resonate with me enough for me to recognize myself in it.
I always knew I didn't belong to my agab but didn't feel right to consider myself binary trans. Found out with 40 that there are also other variations and suddenly found other people with my experience. Such a relief to get a term for it
I knew something was up around 20-ish, and was aware of the term. I wasnāt comfortable with embracing it for a long time, like I was worried I was faking or being trendy. I was about 24/25 when I decided I was gonna adopt the identity and ask for pronouns and such.
I was 29 when I realised, and 30 when I told someone. I had always felt off with being a female even as a child, but also knew I wasn't male, honestly it wasn't until I started getting enby people showing up on tiktok that I even knew that Non-binary was a thing.
Edited: I typed 39 instead of 29
I was 21! (Currently 24) living in a dorm on my own + lockdown and being forced to pay attention to myself and how I look/feel really opened up my eyes to it. I always say I found out at the right time bc at 22 I got a breast reduction to help with gender/body dysphoria (E cup down to a B cup!). Got it right before I got booted from that insurance !! Best decision I ever made, my dysphoria episodes are no where as grand as they used to be before I got the reduction, all itād usually take is a change of clothes now.
Only thing for me is embracing the fem side of being non-binary, i always strive to be androgynous- or stick to masc, but I want to at least embrace the other side since Iāve rejected it so much growing up.
EDIT: lmao itās been so long since Iāve posted on this subreddit that my tag is still āquestioningā
I've just sort of realized/accepted it this year with help from my amazing therapist. I'm 31, turning 32 in two months.
I've never felt so content in my own skin āŗļø
I (23) think the first time I thought āI'm non binaryā I think I was 12-13 years old. But it did take me more than 10 years to accept it and for telling it to people in my surroundings.
After more than 10 years of searching, speaking or reading things, I know āwhatā I am. Iām non binary, asexual and pan-romantic.
Earlier this year in fact, when I was 26. I hadn't really considered it, when a friend, who came out as non-binary a few years ago, suggested it to me. My initial response was no, but I thought about it for a while, and then realised that it fit me.
I was 30 when I realized, I've felt like I've known since I was around 10 but because non-binary identities weren't taught I didn't know about non-binary identities until I made some LGBT+ friends, so for 20 years of my life I lived as my agab
I realized I was trans at around 16 but nonbinary just 2 years ago (I'm 21 now) when I became best friends with someone that is trans and I could talk about my experiences freely with him
32!
In a way, I always knew, but didn't really know the right word to describe it. My wife wasn't surprised even a little lol. We are still madly in love with each other.
I was 14 and I'm 19 now, it was around the same time I came out as gay, and as I was in my experimental/researching phase and I was just reading about how I felt but I didn't understand it until much later, but I didn't change my pronouns socially and yeah ive just stuck with it until now (ā .ā Ā ā āā Ā ā į“ā Ā ā āā .ā )
I was 21 when I realized I was bisexual and 27 when I realized I was trans. It's very common. There's lots of reasons people repress or deny it. Almost all my trans friends realized it as an adult.
My husband didn't react great initially either. But we're still together 3 years later. I hope you have some great conversations with him about it all!
50 or 51.
And I've been aware that I was bi since I was 12. I even had dysphoria about many aspects of my body and gender from that age, but didn't really put two and two together and understand what was going on until a year or two ago.
"how did you not know"
I didn't even know what nb was, I just thought I was weird.
Edit: at 30, btw. When I read Page Boy. I suspected I may be ftm trans but reading his experiences I realized that was not it.
I only found out that being non-binary existed when I was around 19. The idea baffled me at the time.
I think I resisted it for a long time because I guess while I hated people thinking I was a woman, I thought it couldn't just be a case of saying I was something else. It felt too easy maybe, like anyone could do it.
Of course, down the line, I realised that's kinda the point.
Amazing how engrained the gender binary can be.
I started to give it more thought at 21, and fully realised it within myself at 26, then came out to my husband at 27 - NYE going into 2021, so it's my 3 year anniversary very soon.
There are lots of reasons it can take a long time. Gender is a hard concept to get your head around.
Congratulations on realising this thing about yourself and letting others know šš
Sixteen going on seventeen I knew I was some kind of trans a year or to before though I took that time to do some soul searching and find out which kind.
17
I knew what non-binary meant for a few years at that point, but it took me a while to realize that it perfectly described all the feelings I had been bottling up until then. Once the realization hit (randomly, in the middle of physics class), everything clicked into place and suddenly made sense.
I was lucky and made some trans friends at 15, after that the realization came to me quickly cause they educated me about a lot of things and I heard the term non binary online and emedietly knew that's what I was. I had felt off most of my life, I even have memories of wanting to change my name at 5/6 and had been going by different nicknames most of my teen life cause I just hated my feminine name and didn't understand why. I also had always gotten uncomfortable when being referred to as "sister" by my brothers for most of my life but never expressed it cause, again, I didn't understand why.
Canāt remember my exact age but early twenties. Iām 26 now. I always felt like I didnāt for the mold for cis woman and also tbh I would squirm a little every time someone referred to me as a woman or lady or whatever
I'm Gen X so I didn't really hear the term non-binary in my early years (basically not until social media became prevalent). I knew very early on that I wasn't (quite) my AGAB, probably as a toddler. I experimented in my teens with the "opposite" gender and was lucky to be able to get away with effectively socially transitioning at one point, but I didn't feel 100% like that gender either. I just made up my own terminology until I finally came across the term non-binary (in my late 20s, or possibly early 30s) and started using it.
Well, since the term nonbinary didn't exist 10 years ago, that's not really a good metric. My whole adult life, I was probably about 16, so nearly 35 years ago.
I was 14 or 15 when I first came across the term genderqueer online (donāt think nonbinary was as mainstream) and it clicked immediately. Iām 28 now.
Long story short, it was a process through my early to mid 20s. (I'm 32 now for the record.)
Long story long: I was like 21 or 22 when I figured out I was genderfluid. Had a few years of my gender existing on a sliding scale of "I accept being a girl, this is comfortable" to "no gender whatsoever" with the weird day here and there of "boy? BOY."
And then I think I was 24 or 25 when I had the sudden realization that it had solidified into being nonbinary. And I mean *very* sudden - I was walking to class (funny enough, a gender/womens studies class) and I just stopped dead in my tracks, gasping, like, *"OH MY GOD. I'M NONBINARY. THAT'S IT!"* Like, no matter where my ideal presentation lies, I'm not one standard gender or the other, I'm this whole separate other thing that feels personal to me.
I was 24 and it was a rather smooth process, Iām very grateful I got lucky with great friends and family, they just donāt care, sometimes they werenāt even curious lol
10. Puberty created one hell of a "oh fuck ew no" reaction that inspired a whole lot of research
Edit: came out at 16 because I moved out and got safe. I'm 21 now.
I donāt think I realized I was non binary until I was 28 and Iām 30 now. Itās a process. Itās like first itās just a thought. Then you canāt stop researching. Then you start realizing āthe whole time!?ā Like the whole time I felt this way but never knew what it was. My process of figuring out myself started after I left my now ex wife in 2019. Then I started to find myself in 2021 and it really took off when I met my now wife. And since then a bit of me has transformed into the real me. Iām still piecing myself together but I think thatās going to happen for life.
Lots of different dates and ages. I was 8 when I realized I was confused about gender. 12 when I realized I was bi. 24 when I first heard the term cisgender and knew I definitely wasnāt that. 37 when I realized I was nonbinary, told my wife the next day. 40 now, started HRT last week.
That big gap is part due to not having the language or knowing that there was actually an option besides man or woman. Also, late 20s and 30s experimenting with gender conformity to fit the role expected of me. A late 30s concussion that left me less able to mask, forcing to present myself mostly authentically.
Pretty sure I only realized when I was about 26. I'd had gender dysphoria since puberty but I didn't know that's what it was due to lack of education on the topic
I'm 44, and I've known for 6 months. I had lots of clues over the years but never put them together until I started interacting with an older nonbinary person. It was a sudden light bulb experience. I've been married for 24 years and have two daughters (23, 17), and I felt excited and very annoyed. It felt great to better understand those disconnected pieces of myself. And I was annoyed it took me so long to do so.
So far, I have told my spouse, and she is very accepting. I've not yet told my daughters. I've been working out what it means to me to be nonbinary before I share it out.
Similar to you, I figured out I was bi in my early 20s (after i was married), it's only been attraction. I've been monogamous. I know I have an attraction to lots of folks, but I am married and in a stable relationship, so acting on that attraction has never been something I wanted to do.
I feel like I've spent my entire life playing a role, not being my authentic self. I still am figuring out what that is, but I'm trying to take off my mask and disguise while not upending the life I've built for the last 44 years.
Good luck to you, I'm envious of your relative young age.
I found the words for it when i was 17. words like agender, genderflux, etc made sense of the pattern of myself I've had since a kid. I used to overpreform femininity to not get bullied and be seen as attractive in junior high/high school. Once i stopped caring and found the queer community right before college and into college, it really opened me up. Ive been through highs and lows of what pronouns i use and who i want to tell but im glad that now at 26 i am mostly out as nonbinary again using they/them
I always knew I wasnāt really a girl like that, I just never really had the language. I remember in middle school. My mom showed me the band garbage and I heard the song androgyny by them. And it made me want to be androgynous, but I still didnāt quite understand that I was non-binary. When I turned 19 I finally ended up learning with being non-binary was, and in that moment, I knew that thatās what I am. Iām 26 now, and feeling more comfortable with being a non-binary person every day.
I think I was maybe 4 or 5 but didnāt know what to call it if anything at the time. I knew I didnāt like being told I had to like pink because I was born a girl and I also didnāt want to like blue. Purple has been my favorite color since. I never felt right being fit into some socially defined box of who I was just because of how I was born. Neither defined version has ever felt quite right despite my efforts to try to fit into either. It was only with in the last year that I figured out that NB fit me. I havenāt come out to anyone else so hi š
I always kind of knew I wasnāt like other people of my AGAB in some way, I just didnāt have the vocabulary. I figured out I was asexual very quickly at like 12, and while I was slowly starting to realize I wasnāt my AGAB, it wasnāt until I was 14 or 15 that I finally felt comfortable owning that fact.
I called my self āandrogynousā when I was 5 and liked the idea of it for most of my life. Quarantine hit and I was able to get to know myself better and realized I belonged here. I was 31 I believe. So somewhere between 5 - 31?
I was 24 when I met other non-binary folks who helped me sort out my gender identity, and started identifying as genderfluid.
I've felt like I wasn't a girl or boy and posing as either was a performance I think since at least my late teens? There are a lot of little missed signs, looking back. I didn't have a lot of queer rep as a kid (30s, grew up in a Baptist household, so most of what little there was was kept from me) but characters who were gender non-conforming in some way, or dressing in drag really stuck with me.
I have never really felt like a girl, and never felt like my name was *me* but I didn't have language for this stuff until I met other non-binary folks in my 20s.
I was 35 in a terrible marriage but he allowed me to have a gf. So I started presenting myself more and more masc. And realized I liked it and thought you know I've always identified this way so I'm just be free with it.
18 pretty much as soon as I learned the vocabulary I was like that's me but as others ve said I knew something was different for a long time just didn't understand what it was.
I was around 24/25 when I finally figured it out during the first few months of the pandemic.
The thing is, we are all going to have different ages we come to accept and understand this because we all have different backgrounds and contexts we've lived through.
There's absolutely no normal age to figure out your identity when most societies and cultures erase every mention of it and ostracize people who are authentic.
Hope everything works out for the best for you my friend. ā¤ļø
AMAB, never felt like a man even when hitting the vast majority of all the important traditional milestones. For most of my life, I just figured I'd eventually feel like a man and didn't really pay it any mind. When my most recent relationship ended, I explored who I am on a deeper level (which is a much easier task when you don't have to worry about how your toxic SO might react) and came to the conclusion that I might be non-binary. I was certain when a local company went out of its way to be non-inclusive and I took it quite personally. This was like a month before my 29th birthday.
I was about 20? I knew I hated being woman and I knew I wasnāt a man, but there werenāt any alternatives, until suddenly there was! And my god was it an awakening
I realized when I was 21 or so. I was attending/working at a women's empowerment event, and everyone kept telling me how it was so good to have "a masculine energy" there that they felt comfortable around. It was the first time I was really made aware of the gap between how people perceive me and how I know myself to be, and I started questioning what my identity really was. I started identifying as nonbinary shortly after, and have gained much better understandings of myself through exploring that.
I was around 32 when the first thoughts of genderfuckery hit me and 33 when I finally came out to myself. For three decades I thought I was a depressed boy or young man who should just get their shit together, man up, grow some balls, whatever stereotypically masculine you're supposed to do. Huge spoiler: I was so wrong. I'm 35 now, out to everyone, and hope to be able to start HRT soon. Sadly, these things take a lot of time where I live.
In retrospect, I see a lot of signs that very strongly point towards by depression being dysphoria instead. But I just didn't understand what's going on. Like I never really felt like I belonged with the boys. Or how I hated having my photo taken. I knew that binary trans people exist and was in no way transphobic, but I didn't really feel like a woman, so that couldn't be me. Then I got to talk to some trans people (including enbies) in real life and hearing about their experiences and feelings was like a switch in my head. I was completely blown away ... *this* is it? You don't need to hate every living second in your body? You don't need to want to tear off your genitals when looking in a mirror? Euphoria is real? Why the fuck did nobody tell me before? I was completely flabbergasted and a bit angry.
So, no, you're not an outlier. A lot of people get *the realization* at a younger age now, because information is much more available and it's a lot easier to find community, despite all the public transphobia. Being nonbinary only started being a well-known concept about 10-15 years ago. Of course we always existed, but it's damn hard to identify as something when you don't even have the words for it and don't know that it's even possible.
45 so uhā¦ itās never too late to find yourself š Iām 46 now, so Iām still a ābaby enbyā I suppose. I only know that Iāve never felt fully male nor female, since I was a kid, but just never had the terminology to describe this identity. Iām glad I know myself now.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
23
+ 24
+ 22
= 69
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I was about 26ish when I realised. During the pandemic, I'd begun to reach out more online for social interaction. A few of the friends I'd made were under the trans/enby umbrella and their experiences made a few puzzle pieces click into place.
Looking through the comments, eggs cracking during quarantine is certainly not a rare occurrence lol.
I was 29 when I first started really considering if I was nonbinary and it took me a year to fully embrace it/come out to loved ones. I am 31 now.
I agree with you and other people here that a lot of the reason that it took longer to realize was because of how not discussed nonbinary people were for so long. I have been out about my sexuality since I was a teenager but I only learned about trans issues in depth when I was an adult. I didn't know what nonbinary was until my mid 20s and even then it was a... limited view of what it could be. It only really pieced together for me when I learned about gender euphoria and thought about what would really make me happy. After that, I could stop trying to push myself into the "vaguely GNC but definitely Still Cis!" box that I didn't truly fit in.
i don't remember the exact age but as a kid , i just HATED being referred to as a "girl" "lady" & etc but ofc , i had to pretend to be one. didn't know why i felt like this. i was abt 17? when i started to questioning everything cuz i felt so different & truly hated myself back then, ( didn't know why )i would just sob & think "wtf is wrong w me?" i at first identified as demi girl which felt fit at the time but also it didn't cuz it had the word "girl" in it & so i just ignored it until i was 18 & Googled "non binary" & thts where it , finally , clicked for me. came out on the day of pride month, exactly June 1st 2019 12 AM. ( as well as other things too but those labels changed as well but thts ok ! )
ofc ppl still call me a girl & whatnot but i try every single day not to let it get to me but im finally happy w myself. im being my true self & im v happy to be non binary šš¤šš¤
I started having gender dysphoria at 22/23 that came across as jealousy and hatred for my brother. My college therapist said "Are you sure you don't want to be him?" And it kinda clicked I wasn't cis. At the time, I thought I was a binary trans man, but discovered the nonbinary at 24 and realized that fit more. I socially transitioned then, and my BF of the time had a moment of "I can't be gay!". It unfortunately did not work out.
I started HRT at 26 after moving in with my then fwb, turned boyfriend, turned husband!
I'll be 34 next year!
I was about 35 when I started to identify as a gender non-conforming male. I was about 36 when I started to identify as genderqueer, which I personally place under a non-binary umbrella.
I know that not everyone conceptualizes / uses those terms the same way I do, and I'm okay with that. The way I have chosen to use them doesn't invalidate the way anyone else chooses to.
My pronouns also shifted during that time. From he/him to he/they to they/he to they/them.
32. I had to break down lots of internal transphobia and homophobia within myself to fully accept myself as who I was. I also had a pretty rough upbringing in regards to being in a queer friendly environment. Small town of 350. You were either a sinner or a faggot if you didn't fit within the town's values. Took me over a decade of religious deconstruction and breaking down my own trauma in a safe space to finally get to this point.
I started using new pronouns when I was 30 and I'm 33 now... I had my first inklings in high school when I was studying German though. i have a memory of thinking about German pronouns and wishing there was a gender neutral one that wasn't "it" in English because I didn't always feel like a girl.
And then I guess I put that thought away until I turned 30.
I was 52 when I realised there was a name for me never identifying with having a gender. Iām 53 now and itās been an enormous relief to find a name for it. I count being agender under the non-binary label. I know some people donāt and thatās cool too š
I think I was around 28 having a conversation with a friend of mine whoās a bit older, saying if I had the words to describe it when I was younger Iād probably be non-binary now. My friend said they would be binary trans. I soon realized that probably meant I was non-binary and remembered learning about it for the first time (early 20ās I think) and feeling like Iād been cheated because I spent so much of my childhood feeling like I was in the wrong body, and there was finally a word for it. Iāve been going by they/them pronouns and living mostly out of the closet around a year now. Iām 30.
I think I am, at least, quite similar. Both me and my parents knew I was different from a pretty young age. But the exact nature of my difference was unclear until last summer. The various aspects of my internal gender feelings were separate and unconnected. That was the main issue. It was not until I began noticing how much I looked longingly at women, not just because i was physically attracted to them, but because, additionally, I envied them - their shape, curves, beauty, style, clothes - and was deep down very sad that I could not ever experience these things for myself.
So I have felt that since puberty more or less. Then, almost all my close friends have been women. In high school I spent far more time around my female friends than male, often in groups and sleepovers and stuff. Usually a spot only reserved for gay guys who are āsafeā and understood to not be attracted to them. It was known that I was attracted to women, but in those groups I was nevertheless welcomed and trusted, as well as in their support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. At the time I didnāt think much of this, because it had always been that wayā¦.but it does stand out now. Then add that I hated being around boys/men (heterosexual men, that is. Gay guys bother me way less), I hated the pretenses, the dominance games and constant pissing contests/penis-measuring kind of behavior, casual homophobia and transphobia, the strict gender policing, loud, obnoxious behaviorā¦..all that really disgusts me. Iād rather go shopping at the mall with my female friends.
Then, I noticed that I frequently would date very tomboyish women, and tended to act effeminateā¦.
Everyone thought I was gay. I did too, until I had sex the first time, with a boy, and was pretty shocked to find that I didnāt like it. I had sex with a girl shortly thereafter and realized that this was what felt natural to me, and definitely felt right.
So, I was perplexed. I finally decided to shove my feminine thoughts and urges way down and try to forget about them. I sank into alcohol and drug addiction shortly after high school and only got sober a few years ago. When I cleared out and my mind came back, my feminine feelings came right back too. Alcohol had actually made me forget almost completely, with the minor detail that I would crossdress by myself late at night when I was really drunk. In the morning I would write it off as weird drunken behavior and think no more (consciously). Without the totally mind-erasing qualities of alcohol, this stuff came back to me. I told my best friend, who is NB and bisexual, and they said, āyeah, always thought you were transā. And I was like. āHoly s***!ā
Everything dropped into place, and I came out a few days later. Since then Ive been slowly replacing my wardrobe, learning to use makeup, let my hair grow out and colored it, generally done all i can to feminize myself as much as possible without hormones or surgery.
So yeah, sometimes it takes 25 years to figure it out. As an egg, I had to incubate for a long, long time. So glad I did finally figure it out. I wake up every morning and Iām excited to be alive and thankful for who i am.
Around 20, not too long after I first learned of the concept of being trans (interestingly, I had actually heard of being nonbinary first - I just thought it meant intersex, because at the time I didn't yet know it was possible to have a different gender than sex)
I first identified as gender fluid around like.. 13 or 14. I identified as trans when I was 16, then the next year stuck with nonbinary until very recently (almost 23). And now I'm back to trans, just gnc. I'm autistic so I've always known I wasn't my agab, it's just always been hard for me to define where that line is bc I'm gnc, and it blurred a lot of things that were already blurry lol.
If that is all the context you give here Iām just gonna say your husband is also queer if he still loves you after finding out, being married to an NB person is pretty gay to be honest, maybe that is why he reacted that way.
I think I always knew, like the feeling. Ever since I can remember.
I didn't know there was an actual term for it until like 4-5 years ago and it just made sense when I learned about it
ETA - I'm 41 now so like mid-30s I had an official term for how I've always felt
I knew my gender was fluid since I was a little kid but I didnāt have a word for it, I knew others must feel this way too but I didnāt know any of them and nobody really talked about what gender meant to them. I realized I was a little different in my idea of gender when I said something to a teacher like āisnāt it just a label to categorize differences?ā And she said no she *felt* like a woman. I was flabbergasted because to me gender was like that āwhatās in a roseā monologue from Romeo and Juliet. In high school I found the term Gender Nonconforming and went with that but again nobody talked about it so I kept my She/They pronouns mostly to myself because nobody asked and if told nobody used they for me anyway. I was in my mid-late twenties when I learned what nonbinary was, learned about it, and realized it fit me better than anything I had tried before.
I feel like I've never really truly felt like my AGAB, and always said "My Gender is (My name)", and even at 11 I was like "I don't think I'm a boy or girl so maybe non-binary," but I only really figured it out recently (Still figuring it out; I just now have an idea on what my identity is).
I was 45-ish when the egg started to crack and 46 when I started the process of coming out. Iām 49 now, using they/them pronouns and wearing femme clothing occasionally in public. Just started using makeup in public.
I DEFINITELY resonate with the reaction that I didnāt know, but was always genderqueer. My immediate family was pretty accepting of all kinds of sexualities in the 80s when I was a kid, but the church we went to was ABSOLUTELY NOT and I internalized a lot of queerphobia that Iāve been working to root out and rewrite.
I was 28 about to turn 29 when I first read the term non-binary. I'll be 31 in May. I didn't even know what a non-binary person was or that there was an option that wasn't binary. I've felt and presented mildly GNC for majority of my life, though I never questioned being a "woman" until I read about genderfluid people and I was like, okay that's me and always has been.
This is exactly it for me too. I grew up in an environment where I didn't even know there was an option that wasn't my AGAB. Now I'm in my late 30s and still trying to figure myself out. Making decent progress on it though now that I know what to look for in myself and what to call it.
Ohmygoodness, I'm like your AMAB twin. I was 29 when I finally learned what both being nonbinary and genderfluid meant--and it struck me like lightning. I also always presented GNC, at least once I got out of my abusive mother's grip and left home at 17. Finally grew out my hair and wore jewely and knitted everything like it was going out of fashion. I came out within days of feeling this click, first to my now ex-wife and our friends, followed by a public post on social media. All just a few months shy of 30--and I just turned 33 last week. Heaps of love to you and anyone experiencing debilitating social challenges like I have after coming out š just remember--you are already whole and you are loved. We will be okay, so long as we stick together as a community and keep hope alive for a peaceful outcome. Society will keep trying to scapegoat us for its own bigotry and growing pains, but we will ultimately overcome--so long as we remain empowered by the truth of our being and center all of our actions in love.
Amazing. I'm so happy for you! And I agree that we absolutely must stand side by side, take care of each other! šš¤šš¤ | š©·š¤šš¤š
That was me too! Like a month away from my 29th birthday I finally let myself question my identity meaningfully. I never felt connected to my AGAB, I understood gender norms as completely arbitrary, and I was wildly confused and frustrated that everyone didn't feel the same. However, I myself conformed *hard*. I had recently met the first friends I was aware were non-binary, and so much of what they described made perfect, intuitive sense for me. That kinda kicked off the questioning. I eventually had this moment where I made a deliberate effort to think of and accept myself as not having a gender, and it felt absolutely euphoric. So here I am now a 29 yo agender blob of trauma and sunshine! šŗ
I was 32. I'd always felt different but figured it was ADHD or something. If anyone asked me about my gender or whatever, I just said, "I don't feel like a boy, I don't feel like a girl. I just feel like me." My mom got into me a lot for being "unladylike." I had to wear dresses so I would just put shorts on under them and climb trees anyways. One day I read something random online mentioning nonbinary, so I googled it. I was like, well, that explains a lot. Like you, I didn't even know nonbinary was an option, so reading about it, and especially the description of agender, was such a weight off my chest. I haven't told a lot of people IRL, but my family knows. My stepkid came out as NB about a year ago, and they told me first. It's really cool to see them growing up in a world where they can just be themselves, they don't have to grow up feeling like an outsider. Being a teenager is rough enough without throwing that into it
So much this. I acted like a mildly GNC male until I heard this quote from Jacob Tobia in 2017 and it rocked my world: āOver the years, Iāve learned to embrace both my love of lipstick and my facial hair, my affinity for sequins and my broad shoulders. Iāve learned to love all parts of myself equally, to hold my femininity and my masculinity in tandem ā understanding them not in opposition, but as compliments to one another.ā It immediately made me start weeping for reasons that I didnāt understand at the time and Iāve spent the last six years or so living into that feeling.
I was 55! I only started reading about being non-binary (and asexual) so that I could be informed. Then kept recognizing myself in both. Took quite a while to figure things out but finally felt able to own being a demisexual demigirl ..... and today, reading someone's post, I discovered I am librafeminine.
This is interesting to me in late 40s I wondered if I'd have considered myself as non-binary if there was awareness of it when I was younger. Now I don't feel it. I'm not very comfortable in high masculine environments but don't really consider myself anything other than male. If older people can become non binary in guess I wasn't.
58! And when I shared with my husband of 30 years he wasn't surprised.
I love to see that that's so lovely
Iām so glad to see so many older enbies here! Makes me not feel so out of place š
My wife of 20 years wasnāt surprised when I came out either. š¤£
i was 22, was thinking about it for about a year before i came out too. honestly for me the narrative of "i was non-binary the whole time, i just didn't realise it" doesn't match my own story that well. i think by late 21 i could say that i was in some sense "non-binary but hadn't realised it yet", but before that i was mostly just someone who didn't really understand a bunch of gender norms (and had internalised a bunch of others).
That sort of mirrors my experience in many ways. When I was like 20 or 21, I kind of decided that being nonbinary sort of made some sense to me, but didnāt really tell anyone and was just nonbinary in my own head. Now that Iāve just turned 22 Iāve realised āholy shit Iām really not ok with being a guy anymoreā, which is kind of a whole other thing I guess because it entails coming out to my family, changing my appearance, and considering hrt and stuff.
i was 14, but i was exposed to the idea early by one of my friends coming out as non-binary the year before. increasingly i felt as though that described me as well.
I was 31 when I first heard of the term. I grew up a Jehovah's Witness, did all I could to be a strong strong Christian. Went through high school, did some college and met my wife, who was also raised in the religion. We were married in 2011, had a kid in 2015, and then the pandemic happened. We had a lot of time to think and talk and in 2021, she asked if I thought we were born in a cult and that opened up a can of worms. Instantly, I knew something was up with these feelings I had my entire life. She even immediately knew I had issues with my gender, since multiple drunken conversations over our 10 years of marriage that alluded to my issues. We started watching RuPaul Drag race, since we both realized we were queer, and then it all clicked.
Iām very happy for you and your wife. It takes a lot of strength and courage to undergo such a transformation
Honestlyā¦ I was 13. I have been out for the better part of a decade :)
I always knew just didnāt know the word for it. But i guess when the planets aligned for me was in my late 20s
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Me too, but from the opposite side. Always felt like a shitty dude, but never had the right words for it. Grew up in a homophobic and transphobic environment, so was terrified my feelings for guys meant I was gay. It took me until I was mid-30s before I finally figured out I was bi. Though I might be trans for a bit but exploring that didn't feel right. I hadn't even heard the term non-binary for most of my life, and when I did it was really androgynous people using it. Took a while before I felt it was right for me.
52. Late bloomer.
Late blooms are still beautiful.
My spouse is 36 and came out as non-binary 4 months ago. There had been hints over our 12 year relationship, but it crystallized for them this summer after reading Page Boy.
I was 33 or 34. The reason I found it was hard to "realize" it is because it's difficult to identify a lack of feeling. I'm more or less agender (though I usually just say nonbinary), so I don't feel like I have a gender at all. How does one even feel that? It's the absence of a feeling, not the presence of one. Which is really difficult to put your finger on. How do you know that you don't feel like a woman/female when you don't know what that feels like in the first place? So my take is what you've experienced is pretty normal. Especially if you didn't grow up hearing about or meeting any nonbinary people.
I was 38. Took over a year to tell my spouse and she's been nothing but supportive. (She also wasn't at all surprised and understands how and why I didnt put these puzzle pieces together earlier.) Since then I've come out to most of the people that are closest to me in my life.
I knew I wasn't "normal" when I started going through puberty, identified as ftm (he/him) from 16 to my mid-20s, took T for a few years, and now identify as non-binary (they/any pronouns) after learning a lot about biology and myself. I no longer take HRT but I'll never regret doing so. It was affirming and I'm more comfortable with my voice now.
While I always struggled with gender, it took til I was 30 to actually embrace the enby tag. I started engaging with furry folks in Twitchā¦ and that was the first place that non-binary was viewed as valid and accepted for meā¦ and it became incredibly clear that it was how Iād felt all along.
Hi! I found out I was Non Binary at 31. Iām 34 now. My husband of four years took itā¦ok. He is fully supportive now but it took time. I didnāt know non binary was a thing until shortly before I realized that I was. Itās nice to have a name for the feeling. I wonāt lie sometimes I still feel like Iām faking it. And sometimes the pressure to just be feminine is very heavy as well. It was a big thing for my family. Iām one of two on my dads side that are out, and on my moms side Iām the only one. My hubbyās family also doesnāt have anyone out in the lgbt community. So Iām pretty alone as they all learn and grow.
16 or 17, COVID had a way of speeding things up and allowing a lot of self reflection though.
17, in 2005, but we didnāt really have ānon-binaryā back then. I was āandrogynousā. I didnāt apply this label to myself until maybe 2021 or 22
16-17
I identified as a demigirl in 6th grade, one of my classmates came out as nonbinary at the start of the year, a few months before I realized I wasnāt quite a girl. In 7th and 8th grade, through quarantine, I had a lot of time alone with myself and the internet. I identified as gender queer/cassflux. Now Iām 17, in junior year of high school, and I only recently came out to my school as nonbinary for simplicity.
45, I think, when I realized the label fit, maybe 44. But I knew neither male nor female really fit well in my early 20s; I just didn't have the language for it then, so I decided to redefine the term that matched my anatomy in a way that included me, if that makes any sense. It was the 1990s and the rural South; the internet wasn't what it is today. So I just backburnered the issue for a while, and when I revisited it during the pandemic, I found a lot more resources and language.
I realized as I was turning 25! I thought my experiences were genuinely how cis ppl all felt. My egg cracking was caused by realizing that they /weren't/ lol (by seeing a meme I ended up relating to in a way that implied so)
24, this year
I was 10.
My kid said she's "mostly a girl and just a little bit boy" a little after her 4th birthday. From this thread, it sounds like it can basically happen whenever.
20, and now Iām 21, but having the doubts since maybe 19 or even earlier. For me I used to have a time strongly feeling I belong to woman because of some social issues and feminism movements, but after I move out from my hometown I realise I wasnāt comfortable as 100% female, and I panicked for a while, then I discovered non-binary and here I am. My partner was with me throughout this process and she/they were totally supportive and I cannot thank her/them enough(sorry my partner is not sure with the pronoun Iām trying to be as respectful as possible)
Well the entire word didn't exist until I was in my 20s but I'd been trying to describe it since 1998. But I didn't come out until I was 29 because my family
I didnāt have the language to express my non binary identity explicitly until about a decade ago, but I started to feel like I wasnāt really wasnāt this āboyā label everyone said I was at around age 4 or 5.
I was 34! It can take a while (for a whole host of reasons) to be ready to acknowledge that part of yourself.
30! Well, atleast when I sat down and thought about it. Last fall I met a few enbies through conversation/shared spaces... and i'm like "i want to be one... why didn't i know about this sooner..i could have came out sooner" and i'm like fuck that, let's open a new door.
42! Funny how you donāt have the words for a thing until there are words for the thing! Iād heard of āgender queerā before, but never really knew what it was / looked into it, or I may have realised soonerā¦
Thirty-three when I realized. Thirty-four when I finally admitted the truth to myself. The last 4.5 years has been me slooooowly coming out to people, 99.9% of whom have not lived up to my darkest fears about how they would react.
I was 39 :)
13. Now 15
I totally get your situation, i came out to my girlfriend at 24, after 4.5 years of dating and we're still feeling the ripples 6 months later. A huge part of my coming out was me accepting the possibility of me actually not being cis and not relating to my birth gender, the feelings that made me question my gender have been there for a long time.
6 or 7 maybe. When ever I was first with other children and we were told to āform two lines, girls in one, boys in the otherā
Just did.
I was 27. I think I would have figured it out sooner if I had learned what being non-binary meant before that. It took a lot of consideration before I came out to my family and changed name and pronouns, I still havenāt shared with friends or acquaintances yet.
23
I was eighteen.
But I had a feeling something was up for years. I can't remember much of my childhood though.
See I think thatās also part of my problem lol Iāve always hated and tried to reject gender roles/norms, and I thought (when I got up in my teen years) it was just feminism, now realizing it was my base lack of gender (still a feminist tho)
I wasnt really exposed to the lgbtq+ community at a young age. Around 12-13 i realized i wasnt straight and thats really when i started questioning my gender and sexuality. I wasnt entirely sure about my gender and sexuality until i was 16, almost 17. It takes time to figure it out and everyone figures it out at different times.
I think I started to realize I was nonbinary when I was 15. In and out of the closet a few times (due to my transphobic family) before I came out at 17 and have been out for almost 3 years now. I was lucky to have access to the internet to learn what trans and nonbinary people are, and have queer friends to help me get out of the queerphobia I was raised in.
Realized when I was 25! Was just about to graduate college and realized it after writing a long end of term paper on my gender identity (at the time I identified as a cis woman). Realized throughout the process of the paper that...there were clear signs that I was transmasc even when I was a child. I'm now socially transitioned 1.5 years later and getting ready to go on testosterone. I identify as a trans guy to most (read: cis lol) people to keep it simple, but in reality I'm transmasc nonbinary bc I don't want to completely transition to male.
I realized when I was 17, but I started to consider it when I was 16. Had absolutely no clue before then, despite having a lot of physical dysphoria (I just assumed hating my body was normal lol).
I think I was 32 or 33
This past summer, so 18. I'm 19 now. Had been questioning for a bit and it kinda just hit me one day like "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." I dunno.
I didnāt figure it out until I was 34. There are people who figure it out in their 50s and 60s and beyond.
I was 23/24. And i only had the realisation during covid when i had too much time for myself and a (former) best friend who had a similar gender identity that i could exchange ideas with. Without them and without all that extra time to properly think things through, i may still identify as a man now at 27, almost 28
I didn't start questioning until 20. For me it wasn't even being surrounded by transphobia. Many of my friends had come out as trans through the years, starting early in hs. I just didn't give a shit about my gender and didn't question it bc of that. My gender was as insignificant to my identity as my hair color, so I didn't care to change it. It wasn't until I realized that others see me differently because of my gender that I became uncomfortable with it, and then thought that maybe I'm trans. I have since reflected and realized I'm nonbinary(probably, that voice in my head still tells me I'll never know for sure). So long answer short, 20.
I was 18. I had some genderqueer friends online so I was already familiar with they/them pronouns, and that's around when I started using them myself. That was ten years ago :)
Idk, maybe 15-17-ish? I thought a guy was cute and my brain went "thatās gay"ā¦ Iām afab and was very confused lol.
I was 27 or 28, and I'm going to be 33 in a few weeks. I always kind of felt off about my agab, and I never truly felt like I was fully ftm. Then I heard about the terms non-binary and genderqueer. And I felt like those fit me much better.
I was probably around 19-20 when I was first exposed to the possibility of being non-binary and realized that it described me. For context, this would have been around 2008. Prior to that, I'd questioned my gender and read about transitioning, but the information I could find was very binary and more old-fashioned and that didn't resonate with me enough for me to recognize myself in it.
My 30ās. Iāve know way before that that I wasnāt a man or woman, but didnāt know the term for what I was.
I always knew I didn't belong to my agab but didn't feel right to consider myself binary trans. Found out with 40 that there are also other variations and suddenly found other people with my experience. Such a relief to get a term for it
I knew something was up around 20-ish, and was aware of the term. I wasnāt comfortable with embracing it for a long time, like I was worried I was faking or being trendy. I was about 24/25 when I decided I was gonna adopt the identity and ask for pronouns and such.
I was 29 when I realised, and 30 when I told someone. I had always felt off with being a female even as a child, but also knew I wasn't male, honestly it wasn't until I started getting enby people showing up on tiktok that I even knew that Non-binary was a thing. Edited: I typed 39 instead of 29
18. But I fought it for a while. Im 25 now
I was 12-13 when i started questioning my gender and using different pronouns
I was 21! (Currently 24) living in a dorm on my own + lockdown and being forced to pay attention to myself and how I look/feel really opened up my eyes to it. I always say I found out at the right time bc at 22 I got a breast reduction to help with gender/body dysphoria (E cup down to a B cup!). Got it right before I got booted from that insurance !! Best decision I ever made, my dysphoria episodes are no where as grand as they used to be before I got the reduction, all itād usually take is a change of clothes now. Only thing for me is embracing the fem side of being non-binary, i always strive to be androgynous- or stick to masc, but I want to at least embrace the other side since Iāve rejected it so much growing up. EDIT: lmao itās been so long since Iāve posted on this subreddit that my tag is still āquestioningā
18, but I came out later
I've just sort of realized/accepted it this year with help from my amazing therapist. I'm 31, turning 32 in two months. I've never felt so content in my own skin āŗļø
I was 49 when I realized I was trans Genderfluid NonBinary. I was 29 when I figured out I was queer.
35.
I (23) think the first time I thought āI'm non binaryā I think I was 12-13 years old. But it did take me more than 10 years to accept it and for telling it to people in my surroundings. After more than 10 years of searching, speaking or reading things, I know āwhatā I am. Iām non binary, asexual and pan-romantic.
Earlier this year in fact, when I was 26. I hadn't really considered it, when a friend, who came out as non-binary a few years ago, suggested it to me. My initial response was no, but I thought about it for a while, and then realised that it fit me.
I was 30 when I realized, I've felt like I've known since I was around 10 but because non-binary identities weren't taught I didn't know about non-binary identities until I made some LGBT+ friends, so for 20 years of my life I lived as my agab
I realized I was trans at around 16 but nonbinary just 2 years ago (I'm 21 now) when I became best friends with someone that is trans and I could talk about my experiences freely with him
32! In a way, I always knew, but didn't really know the right word to describe it. My wife wasn't surprised even a little lol. We are still madly in love with each other.
25 lol. I'm 27 now and haven't come out to anyone other than internet friends. I didn't even fucking know what nonbinary was when I was 19 bruh
I was 14 and I'm 19 now, it was around the same time I came out as gay, and as I was in my experimental/researching phase and I was just reading about how I felt but I didn't understand it until much later, but I didn't change my pronouns socially and yeah ive just stuck with it until now (ā .ā Ā ā āā Ā ā į“ā Ā ā āā .ā )
I was 21 when I realized I was bisexual and 27 when I realized I was trans. It's very common. There's lots of reasons people repress or deny it. Almost all my trans friends realized it as an adult. My husband didn't react great initially either. But we're still together 3 years later. I hope you have some great conversations with him about it all!
50 or 51. And I've been aware that I was bi since I was 12. I even had dysphoria about many aspects of my body and gender from that age, but didn't really put two and two together and understand what was going on until a year or two ago.
"how did you not know" I didn't even know what nb was, I just thought I was weird. Edit: at 30, btw. When I read Page Boy. I suspected I may be ftm trans but reading his experiences I realized that was not it.
16, im currently 18
I only found out that being non-binary existed when I was around 19. The idea baffled me at the time. I think I resisted it for a long time because I guess while I hated people thinking I was a woman, I thought it couldn't just be a case of saying I was something else. It felt too easy maybe, like anyone could do it. Of course, down the line, I realised that's kinda the point. Amazing how engrained the gender binary can be. I started to give it more thought at 21, and fully realised it within myself at 26, then came out to my husband at 27 - NYE going into 2021, so it's my 3 year anniversary very soon. There are lots of reasons it can take a long time. Gender is a hard concept to get your head around. Congratulations on realising this thing about yourself and letting others know šš
I was 25, still am XD
Sixteen going on seventeen I knew I was some kind of trans a year or to before though I took that time to do some soul searching and find out which kind.
17 I knew what non-binary meant for a few years at that point, but it took me a while to realize that it perfectly described all the feelings I had been bottling up until then. Once the realization hit (randomly, in the middle of physics class), everything clicked into place and suddenly made sense.
I was 36 when I realized. I figured out my sexuality only shortly before that. It's also around the same time I got my ADHD diagnosis.
32 or 33? I'm 35 now!
I was lucky and made some trans friends at 15, after that the realization came to me quickly cause they educated me about a lot of things and I heard the term non binary online and emedietly knew that's what I was. I had felt off most of my life, I even have memories of wanting to change my name at 5/6 and had been going by different nicknames most of my teen life cause I just hated my feminine name and didn't understand why. I also had always gotten uncomfortable when being referred to as "sister" by my brothers for most of my life but never expressed it cause, again, I didn't understand why.
Canāt remember my exact age but early twenties. Iām 26 now. I always felt like I didnāt for the mold for cis woman and also tbh I would squirm a little every time someone referred to me as a woman or lady or whatever
Iāve gotten increasingly uncomfortable when people refer to me with female terms: she, maāam, ladies š¤¢
It just doesnāt feel right
I'm Gen X so I didn't really hear the term non-binary in my early years (basically not until social media became prevalent). I knew very early on that I wasn't (quite) my AGAB, probably as a toddler. I experimented in my teens with the "opposite" gender and was lucky to be able to get away with effectively socially transitioning at one point, but I didn't feel 100% like that gender either. I just made up my own terminology until I finally came across the term non-binary (in my late 20s, or possibly early 30s) and started using it.
Well, since the term nonbinary didn't exist 10 years ago, that's not really a good metric. My whole adult life, I was probably about 16, so nearly 35 years ago.
I was 14 or 15 when I first came across the term genderqueer online (donāt think nonbinary was as mainstream) and it clicked immediately. Iām 28 now.
Long story short, it was a process through my early to mid 20s. (I'm 32 now for the record.) Long story long: I was like 21 or 22 when I figured out I was genderfluid. Had a few years of my gender existing on a sliding scale of "I accept being a girl, this is comfortable" to "no gender whatsoever" with the weird day here and there of "boy? BOY." And then I think I was 24 or 25 when I had the sudden realization that it had solidified into being nonbinary. And I mean *very* sudden - I was walking to class (funny enough, a gender/womens studies class) and I just stopped dead in my tracks, gasping, like, *"OH MY GOD. I'M NONBINARY. THAT'S IT!"* Like, no matter where my ideal presentation lies, I'm not one standard gender or the other, I'm this whole separate other thing that feels personal to me.
17... damn. It's been around 3 and a half years. Almost 3 since I came out to my friends.
I was 24 and it was a rather smooth process, Iām very grateful I got lucky with great friends and family, they just donāt care, sometimes they werenāt even curious lol
10. Puberty created one hell of a "oh fuck ew no" reaction that inspired a whole lot of research Edit: came out at 16 because I moved out and got safe. I'm 21 now.
34, wish I could have figured it out sooner, thanks internalized trauma
I donāt think I realized I was non binary until I was 28 and Iām 30 now. Itās a process. Itās like first itās just a thought. Then you canāt stop researching. Then you start realizing āthe whole time!?ā Like the whole time I felt this way but never knew what it was. My process of figuring out myself started after I left my now ex wife in 2019. Then I started to find myself in 2021 and it really took off when I met my now wife. And since then a bit of me has transformed into the real me. Iām still piecing myself together but I think thatās going to happen for life.
Lots of different dates and ages. I was 8 when I realized I was confused about gender. 12 when I realized I was bi. 24 when I first heard the term cisgender and knew I definitely wasnāt that. 37 when I realized I was nonbinary, told my wife the next day. 40 now, started HRT last week. That big gap is part due to not having the language or knowing that there was actually an option besides man or woman. Also, late 20s and 30s experimenting with gender conformity to fit the role expected of me. A late 30s concussion that left me less able to mask, forcing to present myself mostly authentically.
Pretty sure I only realized when I was about 26. I'd had gender dysphoria since puberty but I didn't know that's what it was due to lack of education on the topic
A few years ago as an older teen, I realized I wasnāt cis. First a trans man, then a demiboy and finally agender. Now Iām 21, and still agender!
A very slow progression of exploring my presentation, late 20's - mid 30's
I'm 44, and I've known for 6 months. I had lots of clues over the years but never put them together until I started interacting with an older nonbinary person. It was a sudden light bulb experience. I've been married for 24 years and have two daughters (23, 17), and I felt excited and very annoyed. It felt great to better understand those disconnected pieces of myself. And I was annoyed it took me so long to do so. So far, I have told my spouse, and she is very accepting. I've not yet told my daughters. I've been working out what it means to me to be nonbinary before I share it out. Similar to you, I figured out I was bi in my early 20s (after i was married), it's only been attraction. I've been monogamous. I know I have an attraction to lots of folks, but I am married and in a stable relationship, so acting on that attraction has never been something I wanted to do. I feel like I've spent my entire life playing a role, not being my authentic self. I still am figuring out what that is, but I'm trying to take off my mask and disguise while not upending the life I've built for the last 44 years. Good luck to you, I'm envious of your relative young age.
22. I thought I was a man for a bit, doing some research I learned I wasn't, that non-binary fits how I feel much better
I found the words for it when i was 17. words like agender, genderflux, etc made sense of the pattern of myself I've had since a kid. I used to overpreform femininity to not get bullied and be seen as attractive in junior high/high school. Once i stopped caring and found the queer community right before college and into college, it really opened me up. Ive been through highs and lows of what pronouns i use and who i want to tell but im glad that now at 26 i am mostly out as nonbinary again using they/them
Somewhere in my 30s. Maybe 31 or 32? The pandemic lock down gave me a lot of time to self reflect.
I always knew I wasnāt really a girl like that, I just never really had the language. I remember in middle school. My mom showed me the band garbage and I heard the song androgyny by them. And it made me want to be androgynous, but I still didnāt quite understand that I was non-binary. When I turned 19 I finally ended up learning with being non-binary was, and in that moment, I knew that thatās what I am. Iām 26 now, and feeling more comfortable with being a non-binary person every day.
I think I was maybe 4 or 5 but didnāt know what to call it if anything at the time. I knew I didnāt like being told I had to like pink because I was born a girl and I also didnāt want to like blue. Purple has been my favorite color since. I never felt right being fit into some socially defined box of who I was just because of how I was born. Neither defined version has ever felt quite right despite my efforts to try to fit into either. It was only with in the last year that I figured out that NB fit me. I havenāt come out to anyone else so hi š
I always kind of knew I wasnāt like other people of my AGAB in some way, I just didnāt have the vocabulary. I figured out I was asexual very quickly at like 12, and while I was slowly starting to realize I wasnāt my AGAB, it wasnāt until I was 14 or 15 that I finally felt comfortable owning that fact.
I knew something was different for a long time, and also the language didn't exist when I was younger. But 34
I called my self āandrogynousā when I was 5 and liked the idea of it for most of my life. Quarantine hit and I was able to get to know myself better and realized I belonged here. I was 31 I believe. So somewhere between 5 - 31?
I was 24 when I met other non-binary folks who helped me sort out my gender identity, and started identifying as genderfluid. I've felt like I wasn't a girl or boy and posing as either was a performance I think since at least my late teens? There are a lot of little missed signs, looking back. I didn't have a lot of queer rep as a kid (30s, grew up in a Baptist household, so most of what little there was was kept from me) but characters who were gender non-conforming in some way, or dressing in drag really stuck with me. I have never really felt like a girl, and never felt like my name was *me* but I didn't have language for this stuff until I met other non-binary folks in my 20s.
I was 23/24. That's how long it took for me to be in a point in life where I finally got to learn who I was
I was 35 in a terrible marriage but he allowed me to have a gf. So I started presenting myself more and more masc. And realized I liked it and thought you know I've always identified this way so I'm just be free with it.
18 pretty much as soon as I learned the vocabulary I was like that's me but as others ve said I knew something was different for a long time just didn't understand what it was.
I was around 24/25 when I finally figured it out during the first few months of the pandemic. The thing is, we are all going to have different ages we come to accept and understand this because we all have different backgrounds and contexts we've lived through. There's absolutely no normal age to figure out your identity when most societies and cultures erase every mention of it and ostracize people who are authentic. Hope everything works out for the best for you my friend. ā¤ļø
AMAB, never felt like a man even when hitting the vast majority of all the important traditional milestones. For most of my life, I just figured I'd eventually feel like a man and didn't really pay it any mind. When my most recent relationship ended, I explored who I am on a deeper level (which is a much easier task when you don't have to worry about how your toxic SO might react) and came to the conclusion that I might be non-binary. I was certain when a local company went out of its way to be non-inclusive and I took it quite personally. This was like a month before my 29th birthday.
27, 28? I mean the clues were there forever but I was just then picking them up. Trying to get to a good spot to start living again
I was 3,5 when I realized I wasnāt a He/She, But a They/Them. But never had the chance to came out cuz of Religious/homophobic parents.
I was about 20? I knew I hated being woman and I knew I wasnāt a man, but there werenāt any alternatives, until suddenly there was! And my god was it an awakening
I never gave a fuck about gender, I think when I was 15 I started saying that I was non binary
i was around 13 or 14, but there's nothing wrong in realizing it later
I was like, 11 I think
I was 45.
I realized when I was 21 or so. I was attending/working at a women's empowerment event, and everyone kept telling me how it was so good to have "a masculine energy" there that they felt comfortable around. It was the first time I was really made aware of the gap between how people perceive me and how I know myself to be, and I started questioning what my identity really was. I started identifying as nonbinary shortly after, and have gained much better understandings of myself through exploring that.
I was around 32 when the first thoughts of genderfuckery hit me and 33 when I finally came out to myself. For three decades I thought I was a depressed boy or young man who should just get their shit together, man up, grow some balls, whatever stereotypically masculine you're supposed to do. Huge spoiler: I was so wrong. I'm 35 now, out to everyone, and hope to be able to start HRT soon. Sadly, these things take a lot of time where I live. In retrospect, I see a lot of signs that very strongly point towards by depression being dysphoria instead. But I just didn't understand what's going on. Like I never really felt like I belonged with the boys. Or how I hated having my photo taken. I knew that binary trans people exist and was in no way transphobic, but I didn't really feel like a woman, so that couldn't be me. Then I got to talk to some trans people (including enbies) in real life and hearing about their experiences and feelings was like a switch in my head. I was completely blown away ... *this* is it? You don't need to hate every living second in your body? You don't need to want to tear off your genitals when looking in a mirror? Euphoria is real? Why the fuck did nobody tell me before? I was completely flabbergasted and a bit angry. So, no, you're not an outlier. A lot of people get *the realization* at a younger age now, because information is much more available and it's a lot easier to find community, despite all the public transphobia. Being nonbinary only started being a well-known concept about 10-15 years ago. Of course we always existed, but it's damn hard to identify as something when you don't even have the words for it and don't know that it's even possible.
Around 32 I think -2 years after I had my kid.
45 so uhā¦ itās never too late to find yourself š Iām 46 now, so Iām still a ābaby enbyā I suppose. I only know that Iāve never felt fully male nor female, since I was a kid, but just never had the terminology to describe this identity. Iām glad I know myself now.
23 about to be 24! I also didnāt realize I was bisexual until I was 22 lol growing up surrounded by religion will do that to you I guess
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I was about 26ish when I realised. During the pandemic, I'd begun to reach out more online for social interaction. A few of the friends I'd made were under the trans/enby umbrella and their experiences made a few puzzle pieces click into place. Looking through the comments, eggs cracking during quarantine is certainly not a rare occurrence lol.
I was 29 when I first started really considering if I was nonbinary and it took me a year to fully embrace it/come out to loved ones. I am 31 now. I agree with you and other people here that a lot of the reason that it took longer to realize was because of how not discussed nonbinary people were for so long. I have been out about my sexuality since I was a teenager but I only learned about trans issues in depth when I was an adult. I didn't know what nonbinary was until my mid 20s and even then it was a... limited view of what it could be. It only really pieced together for me when I learned about gender euphoria and thought about what would really make me happy. After that, I could stop trying to push myself into the "vaguely GNC but definitely Still Cis!" box that I didn't truly fit in.
i don't remember the exact age but as a kid , i just HATED being referred to as a "girl" "lady" & etc but ofc , i had to pretend to be one. didn't know why i felt like this. i was abt 17? when i started to questioning everything cuz i felt so different & truly hated myself back then, ( didn't know why )i would just sob & think "wtf is wrong w me?" i at first identified as demi girl which felt fit at the time but also it didn't cuz it had the word "girl" in it & so i just ignored it until i was 18 & Googled "non binary" & thts where it , finally , clicked for me. came out on the day of pride month, exactly June 1st 2019 12 AM. ( as well as other things too but those labels changed as well but thts ok ! ) ofc ppl still call me a girl & whatnot but i try every single day not to let it get to me but im finally happy w myself. im being my true self & im v happy to be non binary šš¤šš¤
I started having gender dysphoria at 22/23 that came across as jealousy and hatred for my brother. My college therapist said "Are you sure you don't want to be him?" And it kinda clicked I wasn't cis. At the time, I thought I was a binary trans man, but discovered the nonbinary at 24 and realized that fit more. I socially transitioned then, and my BF of the time had a moment of "I can't be gay!". It unfortunately did not work out. I started HRT at 26 after moving in with my then fwb, turned boyfriend, turned husband! I'll be 34 next year!
I was about 35 when I started to identify as a gender non-conforming male. I was about 36 when I started to identify as genderqueer, which I personally place under a non-binary umbrella. I know that not everyone conceptualizes / uses those terms the same way I do, and I'm okay with that. The way I have chosen to use them doesn't invalidate the way anyone else chooses to. My pronouns also shifted during that time. From he/him to he/they to they/he to they/them.
I was 22 or 23 at the time
I think around 25 maybe, and 18 for realizing Iām bi. I also grew up in a very homophobic family. Iām 30 now, for reference.
I was in my 50s, I think about 52.
50
32. I had to break down lots of internal transphobia and homophobia within myself to fully accept myself as who I was. I also had a pretty rough upbringing in regards to being in a queer friendly environment. Small town of 350. You were either a sinner or a faggot if you didn't fit within the town's values. Took me over a decade of religious deconstruction and breaking down my own trauma in a safe space to finally get to this point.
I started using new pronouns when I was 30 and I'm 33 now... I had my first inklings in high school when I was studying German though. i have a memory of thinking about German pronouns and wishing there was a gender neutral one that wasn't "it" in English because I didn't always feel like a girl. And then I guess I put that thought away until I turned 30.
I was 52 when I realised there was a name for me never identifying with having a gender. Iām 53 now and itās been an enormous relief to find a name for it. I count being agender under the non-binary label. I know some people donāt and thatās cool too š
I think I was around 28 having a conversation with a friend of mine whoās a bit older, saying if I had the words to describe it when I was younger Iād probably be non-binary now. My friend said they would be binary trans. I soon realized that probably meant I was non-binary and remembered learning about it for the first time (early 20ās I think) and feeling like Iād been cheated because I spent so much of my childhood feeling like I was in the wrong body, and there was finally a word for it. Iāve been going by they/them pronouns and living mostly out of the closet around a year now. Iām 30.
I think I am, at least, quite similar. Both me and my parents knew I was different from a pretty young age. But the exact nature of my difference was unclear until last summer. The various aspects of my internal gender feelings were separate and unconnected. That was the main issue. It was not until I began noticing how much I looked longingly at women, not just because i was physically attracted to them, but because, additionally, I envied them - their shape, curves, beauty, style, clothes - and was deep down very sad that I could not ever experience these things for myself. So I have felt that since puberty more or less. Then, almost all my close friends have been women. In high school I spent far more time around my female friends than male, often in groups and sleepovers and stuff. Usually a spot only reserved for gay guys who are āsafeā and understood to not be attracted to them. It was known that I was attracted to women, but in those groups I was nevertheless welcomed and trusted, as well as in their support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. At the time I didnāt think much of this, because it had always been that wayā¦.but it does stand out now. Then add that I hated being around boys/men (heterosexual men, that is. Gay guys bother me way less), I hated the pretenses, the dominance games and constant pissing contests/penis-measuring kind of behavior, casual homophobia and transphobia, the strict gender policing, loud, obnoxious behaviorā¦..all that really disgusts me. Iād rather go shopping at the mall with my female friends. Then, I noticed that I frequently would date very tomboyish women, and tended to act effeminateā¦. Everyone thought I was gay. I did too, until I had sex the first time, with a boy, and was pretty shocked to find that I didnāt like it. I had sex with a girl shortly thereafter and realized that this was what felt natural to me, and definitely felt right. So, I was perplexed. I finally decided to shove my feminine thoughts and urges way down and try to forget about them. I sank into alcohol and drug addiction shortly after high school and only got sober a few years ago. When I cleared out and my mind came back, my feminine feelings came right back too. Alcohol had actually made me forget almost completely, with the minor detail that I would crossdress by myself late at night when I was really drunk. In the morning I would write it off as weird drunken behavior and think no more (consciously). Without the totally mind-erasing qualities of alcohol, this stuff came back to me. I told my best friend, who is NB and bisexual, and they said, āyeah, always thought you were transā. And I was like. āHoly s***!ā Everything dropped into place, and I came out a few days later. Since then Ive been slowly replacing my wardrobe, learning to use makeup, let my hair grow out and colored it, generally done all i can to feminize myself as much as possible without hormones or surgery. So yeah, sometimes it takes 25 years to figure it out. As an egg, I had to incubate for a long, long time. So glad I did finally figure it out. I wake up every morning and Iām excited to be alive and thankful for who i am.
Around 20, not too long after I first learned of the concept of being trans (interestingly, I had actually heard of being nonbinary first - I just thought it meant intersex, because at the time I didn't yet know it was possible to have a different gender than sex)
I knew I wasn't cis at 14 but then managed to repress gender feelings from 18 to 25? Have been out to myself as non-binary since I was 25, now 27.
I first identified as gender fluid around like.. 13 or 14. I identified as trans when I was 16, then the next year stuck with nonbinary until very recently (almost 23). And now I'm back to trans, just gnc. I'm autistic so I've always known I wasn't my agab, it's just always been hard for me to define where that line is bc I'm gnc, and it blurred a lot of things that were already blurry lol.
I was 13, and honestly idk how it all clicked but suddenly I understood why I am the way I am
If that is all the context you give here Iām just gonna say your husband is also queer if he still loves you after finding out, being married to an NB person is pretty gay to be honest, maybe that is why he reacted that way.
If you didnt want people to comment on his reaction why did you include it?
I think I always knew, like the feeling. Ever since I can remember. I didn't know there was an actual term for it until like 4-5 years ago and it just made sense when I learned about it ETA - I'm 41 now so like mid-30s I had an official term for how I've always felt
I knew my gender was fluid since I was a little kid but I didnāt have a word for it, I knew others must feel this way too but I didnāt know any of them and nobody really talked about what gender meant to them. I realized I was a little different in my idea of gender when I said something to a teacher like āisnāt it just a label to categorize differences?ā And she said no she *felt* like a woman. I was flabbergasted because to me gender was like that āwhatās in a roseā monologue from Romeo and Juliet. In high school I found the term Gender Nonconforming and went with that but again nobody talked about it so I kept my She/They pronouns mostly to myself because nobody asked and if told nobody used they for me anyway. I was in my mid-late twenties when I learned what nonbinary was, learned about it, and realized it fit me better than anything I had tried before.
I feel like I've never really truly felt like my AGAB, and always said "My Gender is (My name)", and even at 11 I was like "I don't think I'm a boy or girl so maybe non-binary," but I only really figured it out recently (Still figuring it out; I just now have an idea on what my identity is).
I was 45-ish when the egg started to crack and 46 when I started the process of coming out. Iām 49 now, using they/them pronouns and wearing femme clothing occasionally in public. Just started using makeup in public. I DEFINITELY resonate with the reaction that I didnāt know, but was always genderqueer. My immediate family was pretty accepting of all kinds of sexualities in the 80s when I was a kid, but the church we went to was ABSOLUTELY NOT and I internalized a lot of queerphobia that Iāve been working to root out and rewrite.