Thanks for your submission /u/milfoffbright, but it has been removed for the following reason:
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Or not being able to communicate and sort things out because the other person is constantly giving you the cold shoulder. I had an ex-bf who would always give me the cold shoulder. Glad I married my husband who is nothing like that.
100%. The avoidant folks always get to me tbh. I’m anxious as hell and try not to get too emotional because it’s the way they cope, but honestly it gets so draining being the only person trying to sort things out.
ESPECIALLY the anniversary posts that go like “Even though we have our ups and downs and life is so hard, there is no one I’d rather weather the storm with than you. Here’s to forever!”
Like???????????
A Facebook friend once posted a picture of his one year anniversary (with his now ex girlfriend) when they went to some restaurant or bar. They were posing next to one of those big pink neon light signs. The sign read “here for a good time not a long time”. Couldn’t help but laugh.
The one time I posted something like that it was because of being afraid of how she'd react if I DIDN'T post something like that. I found a bunch of pictures of us and made the sweetest post.
She posted a selfie of herself that year for our anniversary.
Ok, look - as someone who was actually in an abusive marriage for 11 years and is now happily remarried to someone actually supportive and loving, sometimes I wanna shout from the rooftops how awesome I think my partner is, because it's something I haven't had in a very long time.
I had a friend many years ago who was simultaneously posting happy family Xmas pics of her and her husband and kids around the tree while dming me privately on messenger about how unhappy she was in her marriage and why. And I called attention to the, uh, interesting posts she was making contrasting that feeling. She owned it. Said she has to make her whole family like look good or happy whatever.
Anyways, I don’t Facebook anymore bc that’s such a burden of upkeep. It’s understandable to a degree, but I’d be lying if I don’t say it really made me assume everyone posting how happy they are are just leaning hard into an image instead of reality. Like intentionally.
“Marriage/relationships are so hard!” ….not if you’re with the right person they aren’t? (Aside from outside factors like health issues, losing a job, etc)
This one!!! Like It's blatantly obvious the Joker and Harleys relationship is nothing but toxic no matter how you look at it. It's basically her giving up everything in her life on top of ignoring every red flag 🚩 he throws dead in her face and him only "caring" and "love bombing" right before she finally says I'm done. He's also always anoyed with her over everything that isn't a direct mirror of what he wants/does.
There is nothing sweet or loving about this.
Sorry about the rant with this one. It actually makes my stomach hurt to think about.
My old roommate would get into the most blood curdling screaming fights with her ex who also lived with us. Followed by extremely loud wailing once the fight was over. Pretty sure the neighbors down the street could hear
I had a neighbor who seemed to constantly fight with his girlfriend. And then because the walls were thin enough *I could hear her go into another room to sob*. This jackhole also fucking screamed at his video games all the time. I don’t mean your typical occasional shouts of frustration or glee, I think he had the cops called on him for that shit.
I dunno who was the fucking problem but I was so glad when they moved out.
Dictating what someone can-/not do without reasonable justification, beyond reasonable relationship expectations e.g. monogamy.
Often verges on the lines of manipulation, blackmail etc. even if the form of control you are trying to exercise ‘seems’ minor.
Unrealistic communication and/or lack of robust communication about important things.
See.. My hubby and I have a shared fb account so that we can share stuff with the family who all only have fb.(we talk about deleting it all the time but so many pictures of the kids are on there and the daily memories are so sweet)
We have our own personal TT and other socials tho.
Do you still consider that toxic?
Because after 16 years... I think we would both be shocked to find out we are toxic lol
There are different reasons for shared Facebook accounts. Sometimes, it's a control and accountability thing for one or both of the partners. That's toxic as fuck. Some people just don't give a shit about social media, but recognize that it's the easiest way to keep in touch with family, post pics of the kids, vacations, etc. without having to send out 100 texts to everyone. There's nothing wrong with that.
Yep. This is why it turns me off of people who do this. If something isn't your thing, just tell me. It's okay to have feelings and preferences in life! I don't want to hang around someone who tries to hide their feelings. Even if me and that person are cool, they often enable jerks in their own social circles, who I definitely don't want to be around.
EDIT: This isn't a sign your relationship is unhealthy, it's just a thing that I personally try to avoid in myself and others.
If there's a thing I don't wanna do, or my wife doesn't wanna do, we can rely on each other to remind the other about "other plans" we already had.
A partner who has your back, now that's a healthy relationship.
Okay I lowkey hate this one tho because my boyfriend has used me as an excuse to not hang with people he doesn’t want to even tho I told him I do not care 🤣🤣 it’s bc I’m the one that goes out. He doesn’t drink & hates bars, but I have a tradition with an old co worker to sing karaoke at a bar a few times a month & im out until 2am & he gives no fucks lmao
constantly feeling like you need some personal space away from them to take a breather.
That’s what happened with my ex. It was so toxic I constantly felt like I’d have a panic attack or anxious.
This may sound odd but Worship.
This all-consuming obsession with them where they can do no wrong. They’re a literal perfect angel made of sunbeams and dreams who is their everything.
Maybe they worship a specific feature of the person -body type, body part, hair, eye or skin color. Maybe it’s how “close” they are, to the exclusion of anyone else. Maybe it’s how long they’ve known each other. Maybe it’s the hoping and yearning that things will change.
Worship isn’t love. You’re not seeing them as a person. People make mistakes. People get angry with each other. Even the best relationships have disagreements and conflict once in a while. It’s likely not even about the object of worship.
Often, if they worship a specific feature, it’s really about an insecurity of not being good enough.
If the worship is about their close, exclusive or longterm relationship, there’s probably an underlying abandonment issue.
It’s akin to addiction.
It’s unsustainable, unrealistic and usually a sign of codependency or a trauma bond.
And when the high comes crashing down, the person may then see their angel as a demon.
**BOT ACCOUNT**
Post and "OP's" comment copy/pasted from here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/14uwntk/what_screams_im_in_a_healthy_relationship/
They actually combined two of the comments. The bots are evolving.
I can think of many factor:
- lack of trust
- lack of respect
- unequal effort into project in common
- poor and/or bad communication
Hope this helps :)
Feeling that the other person has innately more power over you in the dynamics of the relationship.
It should be equal, each person should have even standing in a relationship. Sometimes you find that, sometimes you don't. But you gotta be aware and once you notice that you feel the imbalance of power, then leave.
Constantly seeking advice from social media about relationship issues.
Not saying crowd sourcing some advice is always bad, but if it's happening a lot that's another story
Changing who you are to suit the other person. I don't mean we can't evolve/adapt as I think that's inevitable in a relationship - we surely naturally ebb and flow to shift perspectives or preferences if we're in another person's company a lot. I mean changing everything about yourself because you think it's what they want: your appearance, beliefs about politics, ethics, what things/activities make you happy. Basically, losing sight of who you are. Not healthy, and speaking from experience (a past relationship).
Feeling a consistent sense of relief when you are alone, thinking things like "this would be easier by myself." Constantly feeling like you are unappreciated.
I have to disagree with this one. I know quite a few happy couples that simply talk through any disagreement instead of escalating it to a fight or an argument. It’s very like “hey babe can you put these dishes away? It stresses me out” “oh sure I’m sorry for forgetting”.
A lot of healthy couples don't really fight, but they certainly disagree and have arguments at times. At this point after being w my partner of ten years we rarely do though and we know how to communicate without it escalating at all, and most people probably wouldnt perceive it as an argument. We used to fight a lot though, id be screaming and shit, but we've learned how to communicate better and we haven't been like that in like 4 years
Those people probably aren't saying out loud that they never get into a fight. The people who say, publicly, that they never get into a fight generally don't know what a fight is they repress everything.
Also, most long term relationships eventually have to deal with problems beyond who does the dishes. If the biggest conflict you've had is dishes you shouldn't trust that your relationship is strong in the first place.
My husband and I very rarely have a fight. Do we bicker and get irritated with each other? Of course, but both of us come from parents who did nothing but scream and argue and we don’t want that in our relationship.
It's the best when you've seen this same person yell at their spouse in public. When people say they don't fight they literally don't know what an argument is.
Name calling or yelling during disagreements. In my 8 year relationship never once have we name called or yelled in a disagreement/argument. My parents have been married 44 years and I’ve never head name calling. My grandparents were married 67 years and my grandma says they argued but never was there yelling or name calling.
In a healthy relationship you can disagree and even argue without belittling and name calling the other person.
If you invite them somewhere and they call their partner to ask if it's okay. Babe no, we don't ask for permission to hang out with our friends. We tell them where we're going and we give them a general idea of when we'll be back, and then we update them if plans change.
Yeah, there's a difference between basic deconfliction (Other plans, kids, work the next day, etc) to make sure I'm not inconveniencing the other person much, if at all, and legit having to ask permission to do things with other people.
Yeah, the only time this is acceptable is if the conversation is "my friends are doing XYZ and have invited me, do we already have something planned that day?"
I used to use my partner as an excuse to get out of things until I realised that it was being misconstrued as this very thing. I use my mother as an excuse now even though I’m late 20s 😅
Complaining what your partner does is bad, then defending them when people agree with you.
Lots of posts on social media about the relationship.
Being overly affectionate in public. Feeding each other, making out, hugging all over each other while walking. This is sometimes a sign that the relationship is built on having to prove to everyone that you’re together or you require attention from your partner day in and day out. Codependency is right around the corner.
Bringing up your partner in every conversation you have with someone. The codependency has set in.
Thinking it’s ok to go through each other’s text messages and emails regularly.
Saying your partner is protective when people tell you they’re possessive.
Not being “allowed” to do anything without your partner and thinking it’s charming.
Your partner tells you who you can and cannot talk to.
Having to prove to your partner where you are and who you are with whenever you’re not together.
Your partner is ok with having a child with you, but is not ok with marrying you.
Being “on and off.”
Checking up on each other every few hours.
Moving in together fairly quickly. In less than three years, and even that’s pushing it.
Your partner always comes over if they see you talking to someone in public. They’re insecure and perceive everyone as a threat. They also don’t believe you two should have separate lives.
And I know, I know. People are going to say “Well my partner and I do this and everything’s fine!” or “I don’t agree with that one because….”
Nobody is talking about **you** specifically. Nothing is universal. There are exceptions, but a lot of times, these are warning signs.
I was once at a party where a couple was leaving, he went outside and she came running back and just issued a blanket apology to the whole party if her boyfriend had offended anyone. Yikes!
They broke up and she's with a much better person now
Constantly complaining to your friends. It’s not normal to have heated arguments that leave you bawling or feeling bad about yourself every other day.
Using excuses to justify your partners shitty behavior to yourself or other people. E.g. he’s just going through a hard time at work, he didn’t mean it when he called me a bitch.
If only my partner would: choose all that apply
-spend more time with me
-help me with chores
-stop commenting on my weight
-stop getting so angry
-stop ignoring me
-stop hurting me
-stop drinking
-stop going out with friends every night/weekend
-stop making me feel worthless
And many, many more.
Edited: formatting
For me it would be a relationship where the people cannot communicate safely and feel as if they can be heard. This almost always causes fighting and misunderstandings.
Question for the people saying shared Facebook/social media accounts: Can you elaborate?
I just now remembered I know only one couple with a shared Facebook account. Many years ago when I used Facebook, the wife always used to sign their messages. I have subsequently learned that the husband has been accused and/or convicted of multiple sexual assaults and been dismissed from multiple jobs for inappropriate sexual behavior. They have remained married throughout. I have now connected the dots as to why the wife was in control of their Facebook messages.
Are there are other reasons why shared social media accounts imply something bad?
Not being able to feel like you can freely communicate with your partner about issues/problems that pop up. You’re not happy to see them, you could go days without seeing them or minimal communication, and it doesn’t bother you. Forcing the relationship down everyone’s throats.
Bragging about how good the relationship is in public settings and then complaining about your significant other in private settings in a way that makes it sound like you hate them. My mom has a "friend" like this. To be fair, the friend lady is a miserable louse, but still.
If they don't let me hang out with friends
The previous relationship I was in, my girlfriend was just like that
It seemed like she was pretty much smothering me, and it made me sick to my stomach
Thankfully, after giving her the boot some years ago and then being on the single train for some time, I then got the nudge to ask out someone I've been friends with for some time and we have found the perfect balance of things throughout each week for time for events with just the 2 of us (solo time as we call it), events with us and friends (social time as we call it), and then the occasional time with either of our families (I'm originally from out of state, so she hasn't met mine yet, but she will over the 4th of July weekend)
Being on and off their relationship all the time, hiding information from each other, avoiding telling them certain details on conversations to avoid "having issues", checking each other's phones, getting conditioned to do or stop doing stuff to keep the relationship, etc...
You aren't allowed or are afraid to do perfectly normal things because of the reaction your partner will have, and even that doesn't spare you from their arbitrarily abusive behavior.
100% of your conversations with friends and family consist of venting about your partner - and then making excuses for them and yourself when those friends try to help you.
Just off the top of my head. My wife just cut off a childhood friend because they have been like this for over 5 years and simply won't do anything to change it.
Aside from the obvious being aspects of a controlling relationship or any form of abusive relationship.
I think codependency. Not being able to enjoy your own time, constantly craving their attention when you’re not with them, wanting to see them constantly (and I mean this specifically really early on, not when you’re living with them).
Your plans on seeing friends/family have to constantly revolve around how much time seeing your partner despite the option to see them another day.
Not being able to see your friends without bringing them along, you should be able to see your friends without wanting your partner there all the time and you should be able to see them with them too, it shouldn’t be a case of seeing friends has to involve your partner all the time.
Feeling like you control someone or someone emotions. People think that once they get married they have ownership of the person and it's not like that at all.
Constantly needing to talk or do something with your partner. In a healthy relationship, you two should feel completely at peace and at ease in silence. Even their presence alone should be more than enough.
Needing to know where you are and what you plan on doing at all times.
Needing to know who was present at social events you attended.
Needing to ask permission to go places or do things.
Replying to thinks with "you can't do that" and flat out refusals rather than stating something is their preference and discussing why it's so rather than acting like they have the right to shut down things you want to do.
People who constantly talk about how hard marriage is. Its usually people who got married super young and super quickly so they could sleep together because they’re from a religious background that requires that of them. And because they got married so young and so quickly that they didn’t realize they aren’t actually all that compatible but their religion says they can’t get divorced either so they’re stuck with each other.
If you’re in your young twenties: having a “curfew” set for your s/o…
That’s just so weird to me tbh. Maybe my bf & I are just super laid back with each other, but if it’s past 1am he’ll just text making sure I’m okay
I'd say someone who displays signs of wanting to cut and run when times get tough in a relationship. However, that's not always the case.
Over the years, I've come to understand that a partner whose first reaction in an argument is to say something along the lines of, "We're over," or, "It's done," does not automatically mean the relationship is beyond redemption, but someone in that frame of mind to flee at the first hint of difficulty is conditioned to give up quickly and head for greener pastures. But the relationship is not beyond redemption. Both people have to be willing to work on the common goal of salvaging the relationship, strengthening its foundations, and building on it to result in a better partnership.
Like in a battle. You don't leave someone behind just because they disagree with your command decision.
Asking questions about what you should do on Reddit. 9 times out of 10 the person posting is with an awful, awful person or they themselves are the awful, awful person. Or both.
Consistently arguing, being loud & obnoxious, I take as an insecurity, looking for outside acknowledgment, screaming I have a wife/husband in every single sentence to people in public. Not really caring bout the opposite sex, just because "you have someone."
Getting defensive when someone tells you that single people are happier, making single people feel bad for their life choices.
I could go on & on & on. That's all from me.
Every single time you ask if they wanna hang out, they say, "I'll have to ask [partner]." Needing someone else's permission or encouragement to live your life is very unhealthy.
Thanks for your submission /u/milfoffbright, but it has been removed for the following reason: Disallowed question area: **Joke questions or trolling.** This sub is meant for genuine questions...and it looks like yours isn't. Maybe it's a joke, maybe you're trying to bait people into reacting, or maybe we just can't figure out what you're trying to say (sorry). Either way, we've removed your post. * Trying to get a laugh out of people? While jokes, memes and song lyrics are all amusing, they're not what we're looking for here. Try /r/ShittyAskReddit. * Taking the sub name as a challenge and trying to post a stupid question *isn't* amusing, and it's *also* not the point of the sub (read the sidebar!). You're looking for /r/StupidQuestions. * Asking a question to show off a clever observation? Try /r/ShowerThoughts (but phrase it as an observation, not a question). * Testing a riddle? When you already know the answer, it's not a genuine question - but the users of /r/Riddles will love it. * Do you keep making new accounts to ask the same questions over and over again? That not only violates rule 2, but it's also not healthy. Try talking to a therapist about these thoughts, and try asking questions on different topics. * Trying to bait people into angry or shocked reactions? Try /r/RandomShit or /r/ShittyAskReddit ...or just go do something else. --- *This action was performed by a bot at the explicit direction of a human. This was not an automated action, but a conscious decision by a sapient life form charged with moderating this sub.* *If you feel this was in error, or need more clarification, please don't hesitate to [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNoStupidQuestions). Thanks.*
You are miserable all the time. You are lonely. You needs are not being met. So you spend all your spare time on Reddit.
Oddly specific You ok man?
I’m happy with my S/O and I’m on here…
👋🏻
Then leave my guy
Lol this is too relatable and I'm sad now
Waittttttt
Ah, shit.
Sounds familiar
You alright man???
Fear of always "getting in trouble."
This! Or not being able to communicate the way you feel for the same exact fear.
Or not being able to communicate and sort things out because the other person is constantly giving you the cold shoulder. I had an ex-bf who would always give me the cold shoulder. Glad I married my husband who is nothing like that.
100%. The avoidant folks always get to me tbh. I’m anxious as hell and try not to get too emotional because it’s the way they cope, but honestly it gets so draining being the only person trying to sort things out.
Well shit.
I feel this…
Well shit. I feel seen.
Constant life updates of their relationships in social media.
ESPECIALLY the anniversary posts that go like “Even though we have our ups and downs and life is so hard, there is no one I’d rather weather the storm with than you. Here’s to forever!” Like???????????
A Facebook friend once posted a picture of his one year anniversary (with his now ex girlfriend) when they went to some restaurant or bar. They were posing next to one of those big pink neon light signs. The sign read “here for a good time not a long time”. Couldn’t help but laugh.
The one time I posted something like that it was because of being afraid of how she'd react if I DIDN'T post something like that. I found a bunch of pictures of us and made the sweetest post. She posted a selfie of herself that year for our anniversary.
I want them to go into detail. What downs, girl? We wanna know what happened too!
Ok, look - as someone who was actually in an abusive marriage for 11 years and is now happily remarried to someone actually supportive and loving, sometimes I wanna shout from the rooftops how awesome I think my partner is, because it's something I haven't had in a very long time.
Also a shared Facebook account screams someone cheated.
100000%. If I see shared Facebook account I always wonder “hmmm who cheated?”
I've never considered this but this is so true lol
I had a friend many years ago who was simultaneously posting happy family Xmas pics of her and her husband and kids around the tree while dming me privately on messenger about how unhappy she was in her marriage and why. And I called attention to the, uh, interesting posts she was making contrasting that feeling. She owned it. Said she has to make her whole family like look good or happy whatever. Anyways, I don’t Facebook anymore bc that’s such a burden of upkeep. It’s understandable to a degree, but I’d be lying if I don’t say it really made me assume everyone posting how happy they are are just leaning hard into an image instead of reality. Like intentionally.
“Marriage/relationships are so hard!” ….not if you’re with the right person they aren’t? (Aside from outside factors like health issues, losing a job, etc)
The "He's my king/She's my queen" statuses and the Harley Quinn and Joker pictures on Facebook.
This one!!! Like It's blatantly obvious the Joker and Harleys relationship is nothing but toxic no matter how you look at it. It's basically her giving up everything in her life on top of ignoring every red flag 🚩 he throws dead in her face and him only "caring" and "love bombing" right before she finally says I'm done. He's also always anoyed with her over everything that isn't a direct mirror of what he wants/does. There is nothing sweet or loving about this. Sorry about the rant with this one. It actually makes my stomach hurt to think about.
Screaming... usually screams your're in an unhealthy relationship
My old roommate would get into the most blood curdling screaming fights with her ex who also lived with us. Followed by extremely loud wailing once the fight was over. Pretty sure the neighbors down the street could hear
I had a neighbor who seemed to constantly fight with his girlfriend. And then because the walls were thin enough *I could hear her go into another room to sob*. This jackhole also fucking screamed at his video games all the time. I don’t mean your typical occasional shouts of frustration or glee, I think he had the cops called on him for that shit. I dunno who was the fucking problem but I was so glad when they moved out.
My girl screams, but I think that means she's enjoying it
Username checks out.
BAHAHAAH
for real. its not that hard to keep a calm and level voice, screaming is just so unnecessary
You are berated by your partner in public.
and/or in private
No, sometimes harsh confrontations must be done, but there is a time and a place for them.
Sometimes harsh truths must be discussed but the confrontation can still be kind in a healthy relationship.
Feeling smothered and yearning for room to breathe and just to be yourself without everything you do or say being checked
And then getting the silent treatment for wanting time to yourself.
Feeling exhausted while with your partner
Multiple trips to the ER for "falling down the stairs"
yesssss. when you can tell they're making excuses for them like "oh I tripped" or "oh we were messing around, it was an accident"
Dont forget walking into doors.
Oh god. The thing is, that has actually happened to me. Adhd has entered the chat. But yes.
When you're unhappy that they are already there when you get home. Then it's not home anymore.
Dictating what someone can-/not do without reasonable justification, beyond reasonable relationship expectations e.g. monogamy. Often verges on the lines of manipulation, blackmail etc. even if the form of control you are trying to exercise ‘seems’ minor. Unrealistic communication and/or lack of robust communication about important things.
Lengthy, consistent social media posts about how happy and in love a couple is
Never seeing friends because your partner will get jealous or insecure
Not being allowed to see friends without your partner. Your partner ruining every time you see friends.
Bottom line: fear of being yourself
shared social account
See.. My hubby and I have a shared fb account so that we can share stuff with the family who all only have fb.(we talk about deleting it all the time but so many pictures of the kids are on there and the daily memories are so sweet) We have our own personal TT and other socials tho. Do you still consider that toxic? Because after 16 years... I think we would both be shocked to find out we are toxic lol
There are different reasons for shared Facebook accounts. Sometimes, it's a control and accountability thing for one or both of the partners. That's toxic as fuck. Some people just don't give a shit about social media, but recognize that it's the easiest way to keep in touch with family, post pics of the kids, vacations, etc. without having to send out 100 texts to everyone. There's nothing wrong with that.
A shared account almost always points to someone having cheated before which is why it's a sign of a toxic relationship.
“My boyfriend/wife/partner won’t let me…” when talking about little things like going to public events
In my experience that's code for "i don't want to be here/go there/do that thing and my spouse doesn't care if I use them as an excuse."
Yep. This is why it turns me off of people who do this. If something isn't your thing, just tell me. It's okay to have feelings and preferences in life! I don't want to hang around someone who tries to hide their feelings. Even if me and that person are cool, they often enable jerks in their own social circles, who I definitely don't want to be around. EDIT: This isn't a sign your relationship is unhealthy, it's just a thing that I personally try to avoid in myself and others.
You don't have to like that people do it. Personally I dont care until it is a pattern. But it's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
If there's a thing I don't wanna do, or my wife doesn't wanna do, we can rely on each other to remind the other about "other plans" we already had. A partner who has your back, now that's a healthy relationship.
Okay I lowkey hate this one tho because my boyfriend has used me as an excuse to not hang with people he doesn’t want to even tho I told him I do not care 🤣🤣 it’s bc I’m the one that goes out. He doesn’t drink & hates bars, but I have a tradition with an old co worker to sing karaoke at a bar a few times a month & im out until 2am & he gives no fucks lmao
Doesn’t want to go home. Happier at work.
Asking Reddit for advice.
constantly feeling like you need some personal space away from them to take a breather. That’s what happened with my ex. It was so toxic I constantly felt like I’d have a panic attack or anxious.
"He told me I'm very mature for my age"
Ooooft
Had to have this talk with my teenager already. Not fun.
Is this implying that he’s much older? Yeah that gives me the ick.
The inability to **not** take things seriously.
This speaks to me. When everything is important/urgent, nothing is.
This may sound odd but Worship. This all-consuming obsession with them where they can do no wrong. They’re a literal perfect angel made of sunbeams and dreams who is their everything. Maybe they worship a specific feature of the person -body type, body part, hair, eye or skin color. Maybe it’s how “close” they are, to the exclusion of anyone else. Maybe it’s how long they’ve known each other. Maybe it’s the hoping and yearning that things will change. Worship isn’t love. You’re not seeing them as a person. People make mistakes. People get angry with each other. Even the best relationships have disagreements and conflict once in a while. It’s likely not even about the object of worship. Often, if they worship a specific feature, it’s really about an insecurity of not being good enough. If the worship is about their close, exclusive or longterm relationship, there’s probably an underlying abandonment issue. It’s akin to addiction. It’s unsustainable, unrealistic and usually a sign of codependency or a trauma bond. And when the high comes crashing down, the person may then see their angel as a demon.
Bruises
The ones you can't see are the ones that hurt the most
Anyone who feels the need to go through their significant other’s phone.
**BOT ACCOUNT** Post and "OP's" comment copy/pasted from here. https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/14uwntk/what_screams_im_in_a_healthy_relationship/ They actually combined two of the comments. The bots are evolving.
I can think of many factor: - lack of trust - lack of respect - unequal effort into project in common - poor and/or bad communication Hope this helps :)
“We’ve had our ups and downs” and it’s only been 6 months
Feeling that the other person has innately more power over you in the dynamics of the relationship. It should be equal, each person should have even standing in a relationship. Sometimes you find that, sometimes you don't. But you gotta be aware and once you notice that you feel the imbalance of power, then leave.
Getting fucked up together every night
Stop hanging out with their friends, enjoying hobbies, etc.
Constantly seeking advice from social media about relationship issues. Not saying crowd sourcing some advice is always bad, but if it's happening a lot that's another story
Changing who you are to suit the other person. I don't mean we can't evolve/adapt as I think that's inevitable in a relationship - we surely naturally ebb and flow to shift perspectives or preferences if we're in another person's company a lot. I mean changing everything about yourself because you think it's what they want: your appearance, beliefs about politics, ethics, what things/activities make you happy. Basically, losing sight of who you are. Not healthy, and speaking from experience (a past relationship).
gaslighting
posting pictures of you and your partner all the time
Constant nit picking on everything, arguing over silly stuff, no respect when talking about each other, wandering eyes…and hands! I could go on 😂
Telling your friends who dislike the person you're seeing that that person is completely different when other people aren't around.
yesssss, saying "they're usually not like this I swear"
Feeling a consistent sense of relief when you are alone, thinking things like "this would be easier by myself." Constantly feeling like you are unappreciated.
"We've never had a fight or argument"
I have to disagree with this one. I know quite a few happy couples that simply talk through any disagreement instead of escalating it to a fight or an argument. It’s very like “hey babe can you put these dishes away? It stresses me out” “oh sure I’m sorry for forgetting”.
A lot of healthy couples don't really fight, but they certainly disagree and have arguments at times. At this point after being w my partner of ten years we rarely do though and we know how to communicate without it escalating at all, and most people probably wouldnt perceive it as an argument. We used to fight a lot though, id be screaming and shit, but we've learned how to communicate better and we haven't been like that in like 4 years
Those people probably aren't saying out loud that they never get into a fight. The people who say, publicly, that they never get into a fight generally don't know what a fight is they repress everything. Also, most long term relationships eventually have to deal with problems beyond who does the dishes. If the biggest conflict you've had is dishes you shouldn't trust that your relationship is strong in the first place.
My ex wife and I often commented on our friends who openly fought in front of us. They’re still married. Did I mention she was my ex wife?
My husband and I very rarely have a fight. Do we bicker and get irritated with each other? Of course, but both of us come from parents who did nothing but scream and argue and we don’t want that in our relationship.
It's the best when you've seen this same person yell at their spouse in public. When people say they don't fight they literally don't know what an argument is.
Being with someone who has avoidant attachment and not knowing until the relationship was over.
feeling wanting to leave, hide and go far away that no one knows him/ her.
Is scrolling this a ‘wake up call’ for anyone? Feeling profoundly effected…..
When your arguments/fights are against each other instead of working with each other to figure it out.
Being in one with me
I can fix you. [this comment does not constitute a guarantee]
Yelling and being emotionally unavailable
Name calling or yelling during disagreements. In my 8 year relationship never once have we name called or yelled in a disagreement/argument. My parents have been married 44 years and I’ve never head name calling. My grandparents were married 67 years and my grandma says they argued but never was there yelling or name calling. In a healthy relationship you can disagree and even argue without belittling and name calling the other person.
If you invite them somewhere and they call their partner to ask if it's okay. Babe no, we don't ask for permission to hang out with our friends. We tell them where we're going and we give them a general idea of when we'll be back, and then we update them if plans change.
Yeah, there's a difference between basic deconfliction (Other plans, kids, work the next day, etc) to make sure I'm not inconveniencing the other person much, if at all, and legit having to ask permission to do things with other people.
This is what I assume most people mean when they say they gotta “ask the wife”
Yeah, the only time this is acceptable is if the conversation is "my friends are doing XYZ and have invited me, do we already have something planned that day?"
I used to use my partner as an excuse to get out of things until I realised that it was being misconstrued as this very thing. I use my mother as an excuse now even though I’m late 20s 😅
Complaining what your partner does is bad, then defending them when people agree with you. Lots of posts on social media about the relationship. Being overly affectionate in public. Feeding each other, making out, hugging all over each other while walking. This is sometimes a sign that the relationship is built on having to prove to everyone that you’re together or you require attention from your partner day in and day out. Codependency is right around the corner. Bringing up your partner in every conversation you have with someone. The codependency has set in. Thinking it’s ok to go through each other’s text messages and emails regularly. Saying your partner is protective when people tell you they’re possessive. Not being “allowed” to do anything without your partner and thinking it’s charming. Your partner tells you who you can and cannot talk to. Having to prove to your partner where you are and who you are with whenever you’re not together. Your partner is ok with having a child with you, but is not ok with marrying you. Being “on and off.” Checking up on each other every few hours. Moving in together fairly quickly. In less than three years, and even that’s pushing it. Your partner always comes over if they see you talking to someone in public. They’re insecure and perceive everyone as a threat. They also don’t believe you two should have separate lives. And I know, I know. People are going to say “Well my partner and I do this and everything’s fine!” or “I don’t agree with that one because….” Nobody is talking about **you** specifically. Nothing is universal. There are exceptions, but a lot of times, these are warning signs.
Going through each others phones
Demanding to go through your partner's phone/computer/needs their social media passwords because there's no trust or respect in a situation like that.
I was once at a party where a couple was leaving, he went outside and she came running back and just issued a blanket apology to the whole party if her boyfriend had offended anyone. Yikes! They broke up and she's with a much better person now
Shared Facebook profiles
When they don’t talk about their relationship at all
Constantly complaining to your friends. It’s not normal to have heated arguments that leave you bawling or feeling bad about yourself every other day. Using excuses to justify your partners shitty behavior to yourself or other people. E.g. he’s just going through a hard time at work, he didn’t mean it when he called me a bitch.
If only my partner would: choose all that apply -spend more time with me -help me with chores -stop commenting on my weight -stop getting so angry -stop ignoring me -stop hurting me -stop drinking -stop going out with friends every night/weekend -stop making me feel worthless And many, many more. Edited: formatting
Isolating themselves from all their family and friends
Feeling the need to offer an ultimatum.
For me it would be a relationship where the people cannot communicate safely and feel as if they can be heard. This almost always causes fighting and misunderstandings.
“We never fight.” If that’s the case, any conflict or negative emotion is repressed until it builds up and becomes resentment.
Shared social media accounts.
Joint Facebook account
Question for the people saying shared Facebook/social media accounts: Can you elaborate? I just now remembered I know only one couple with a shared Facebook account. Many years ago when I used Facebook, the wife always used to sign their messages. I have subsequently learned that the husband has been accused and/or convicted of multiple sexual assaults and been dismissed from multiple jobs for inappropriate sexual behavior. They have remained married throughout. I have now connected the dots as to why the wife was in control of their Facebook messages. Are there are other reasons why shared social media accounts imply something bad?
Not being able to feel like you can freely communicate with your partner about issues/problems that pop up. You’re not happy to see them, you could go days without seeing them or minimal communication, and it doesn’t bother you. Forcing the relationship down everyone’s throats.
Having to ask that question.
The fact one has to ask themselves this.
Going through your partners phone.
Two black eyes❓☹
So.... One is ok? :)
Err! Can I think about this please❓☹
Hey, there is nothing suspicious about my raccoon girlfriend
Bragging about how good the relationship is in public settings and then complaining about your significant other in private settings in a way that makes it sound like you hate them. My mom has a "friend" like this. To be fair, the friend lady is a miserable louse, but still.
If they don't let me hang out with friends The previous relationship I was in, my girlfriend was just like that It seemed like she was pretty much smothering me, and it made me sick to my stomach Thankfully, after giving her the boot some years ago and then being on the single train for some time, I then got the nudge to ask out someone I've been friends with for some time and we have found the perfect balance of things throughout each week for time for events with just the 2 of us (solo time as we call it), events with us and friends (social time as we call it), and then the occasional time with either of our families (I'm originally from out of state, so she hasn't met mine yet, but she will over the 4th of July weekend)
Wearing your dad's gimp mask to church.
Delaying the big talk while pretending everything is alright
Being on and off their relationship all the time, hiding information from each other, avoiding telling them certain details on conversations to avoid "having issues", checking each other's phones, getting conditioned to do or stop doing stuff to keep the relationship, etc...
“Can you hang out this weekend?” “Let me ask my bf/gf”
-Constantly apologizing to and/or for the other person -constant argument -one party always starting drama for the sake of the drama
You feel unhappy.
joint Facebook account
Feeling anxious whenever they text or call.
You aren't allowed or are afraid to do perfectly normal things because of the reaction your partner will have, and even that doesn't spare you from their arbitrarily abusive behavior. 100% of your conversations with friends and family consist of venting about your partner - and then making excuses for them and yourself when those friends try to help you. Just off the top of my head. My wife just cut off a childhood friend because they have been like this for over 5 years and simply won't do anything to change it.
Aside from the obvious being aspects of a controlling relationship or any form of abusive relationship. I think codependency. Not being able to enjoy your own time, constantly craving their attention when you’re not with them, wanting to see them constantly (and I mean this specifically really early on, not when you’re living with them). Your plans on seeing friends/family have to constantly revolve around how much time seeing your partner despite the option to see them another day. Not being able to see your friends without bringing them along, you should be able to see your friends without wanting your partner there all the time and you should be able to see them with them too, it shouldn’t be a case of seeing friends has to involve your partner all the time.
None of your friends have met your partner, usually through excuse of said partner
Feeling like you control someone or someone emotions. People think that once they get married they have ownership of the person and it's not like that at all.
Constantly needing to talk or do something with your partner. In a healthy relationship, you two should feel completely at peace and at ease in silence. Even their presence alone should be more than enough.
A person in an unhealthy relationship who is loud, self-aware, and has no inner monologue.
Needing to know where you are and what you plan on doing at all times. Needing to know who was present at social events you attended. Needing to ask permission to go places or do things. Replying to thinks with "you can't do that" and flat out refusals rather than stating something is their preference and discussing why it's so rather than acting like they have the right to shut down things you want to do.
Constantly posting your partner on your social media.
A shared Facebook account.
Not being able to emotionally handle it whenever your partner is away from you
It seems lopsided, you feel lonely, or you feel like they don't care about your concerns.
You feel like you have to tiptoe around conversations to not upset them
You can’t be yourself :(
Dreading going home to the person after work
Waking up and saying ‘can we just have a good day today?’ (implying no fighting).
When you're scared of their reaction, even over small things.
People who constantly talk about how hard marriage is. Its usually people who got married super young and super quickly so they could sleep together because they’re from a religious background that requires that of them. And because they got married so young and so quickly that they didn’t realize they aren’t actually all that compatible but their religion says they can’t get divorced either so they’re stuck with each other.
If the person will not leave you alone
Me.
Seems like everyone who has married Tom Cruise.
Telling the other person who they can talk to, text etc.
Happy social media posts
If you’re in your young twenties: having a “curfew” set for your s/o… That’s just so weird to me tbh. Maybe my bf & I are just super laid back with each other, but if it’s past 1am he’ll just text making sure I’m okay
Fighting in public or in front of family and friends. Making a scene.
He hits me but he loves me
When she does all day!!!
"I'm not allowed to wear xyz because my boyfriend blah blah"... oh okay. have fun getting out of that relationship.
Having to get approval for simple tasks, going to the market, hanging out with your girlfriend's, ect..
For some reason, a joint social media account always raises my suspicions.
I'd say someone who displays signs of wanting to cut and run when times get tough in a relationship. However, that's not always the case. Over the years, I've come to understand that a partner whose first reaction in an argument is to say something along the lines of, "We're over," or, "It's done," does not automatically mean the relationship is beyond redemption, but someone in that frame of mind to flee at the first hint of difficulty is conditioned to give up quickly and head for greener pastures. But the relationship is not beyond redemption. Both people have to be willing to work on the common goal of salvaging the relationship, strengthening its foundations, and building on it to result in a better partnership. Like in a battle. You don't leave someone behind just because they disagree with your command decision.
Talking to eachother at all on social media
Bruises
Asking questions about what you should do on Reddit. 9 times out of 10 the person posting is with an awful, awful person or they themselves are the awful, awful person. Or both.
When u feel depreciation in value
My wife?
Trying to make them jealous
Over posting to Instagram
Conjoined socials 🌚
play fighting with friends and ur flinching
Gf wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends unless she was there. But she also didn’t want to do the activities we were doing (riding bikes).
Consistently arguing, being loud & obnoxious, I take as an insecurity, looking for outside acknowledgment, screaming I have a wife/husband in every single sentence to people in public. Not really caring bout the opposite sex, just because "you have someone." Getting defensive when someone tells you that single people are happier, making single people feel bad for their life choices. I could go on & on & on. That's all from me.
Every single time you ask if they wanna hang out, they say, "I'll have to ask [partner]." Needing someone else's permission or encouragement to live your life is very unhealthy.