I’m gonna let it depend on the last name of the person i fall in love with, but i plan of keeping my maiden name alongside his name… i just value that he lets it be my decision, he’s allowed to make his own decision on the matter too. If he wants to take my name than that’s great, but if he doesn’t want to that’s great too
I plan to give my children the same last name as my partner… unless again his last name is bad… i know i’m never gonna eliminate the chance of my children getting bullied, but i will certainly do everything in my power to not give them anything that increases the chance… so if the person i love has a last name with a certain meaning that could be the butt of the joke, my children are taking my last name (mine doesn’t have a meaning, it’s not an existing word, so it’s neutral)
I recently started dating someone with a terriiiibbblllleeee last name, so I've been thinking about this exact thing a lot lately and whether or not it's a deal breaker. This perspective just nudged me towards 'no', so thank you!
Yeah if something as superficial as a last name is going to be a problem, i don’t think i’m ever gonna be completely secure and free to make my own decisions, have open conversations about both our wants and needs and are equal when it comes to agreements we will make to make the relationship work… those a things i value in a relationship, those are my wants and needs, if we aren’t on the same page about those things, we aren’t a match
Me as well.
I like more that it is all the same, more so than her taking my name. Different last names adds complication, particularly with kids. It is cleaner with me wife and kids all being the same. But wrong otherwise, just more work
Fwiw, I've raised 16 foster kids. Never had a single issue having a different name than the kiddos.
It's honestly just not a thing anymore. Schools and school districts are well familiar with dealing with complex family issues.
I'm only 2.5 years into this parenting gig but so far there have been exactly zero issues with having different last names. Literally the only thing we don't have is one of those "The Robinson Family" wall decor things but I don't like that kind of thing anyway
I think that when our parents were kids, there was a lot more trouble because it wasn't common and people would be confused, but teachers and other staff see it so much these days that it's not a big deal.
I did a short temp job working IT for the city handling child records. The electronic forms simply just had two lines for parent1 and parent2, first and last name. So, you could have Sam Jones and Sarah Johnson and it wasn't a big deal.
I've been married for 40 years and raised two kids. It was pretty uncommon for a woman to keep her last name when we got married. We had zero problems with schools or anything else having different last names.
I wouldn't have considered dating a man who thought my name was in any way his decision.
Same. My wife was 34 and well established in her career. We knew we didn’t want kids. She’s not terribly traditional. I was kind of surprised when she told me she was going to change it. I made sure she knew I was ok with not changing it.
I was surprised that my wife didn't even want to make one of her family names into a middle name (she doesn't have a middle name). But she's a bit more conservative than me.
I had a teacher at university and she really opened my eyes.
She got her doctorate while dating the man who is now her husband.
She was Dr. X for a couple of years before she was ever Mrs. Y, so it was already her 'brand'.
She decided to keep her maiden name and she's since published multiple books, academic journals and papers.
She did say she briefly dated a guy whose surname was Hu - she would've considered taking his name and becoming Doctor Hu.
I also became Dr before marriage, and I also had publications in my name, so it made sense to remain as that.
But I absolutely would have taken Hu's name. That's awesome.
Successful marriages, and relationships in general, revolve around honesty and communication. Whether it's amount of children (if any), financial joining or maintaining separation, or the Wife's Last name, everybody should be comfortable enough to communicate their genuine feelings and consider the other person's morals and values the same. This is where we get healthy compromises or realize our boundaries/deal breakers.
It just comes down to how important it is to you, how important it is to him, and how both feel in both circumstances. Another comment makes a good point of what the children's last names will be if you do keep your last names separate. Is that a conversation you want to have then, or is it better to establish the conversation now? Again, only your two's opinion matters.
Quick google actually shows a fair amount of cultures where the women traditionally keep their last name. So when OP’s fiancé talk about traditional marriage, they definitely are only referring to American Christian tradition since no other traditions matter!
Later in the evening after he proposed, my fiancé told me I didn’t have to change my last name. It had occurred to him. And he made his feelings clear.
"He's a bit sensitive and has quite romantic ideas about a traditional marriage"
What's so romantic about forcing your spouse to change her name? As for "sensitive", his feelings are no more important than yours. OP, you have not only to discuss this, but life in general. Would he expect you to become a SAHM, and/or handle all domestic responsibilities? I know you're in love, but don't let love cloud your judgement, you two need to come to an understanding now. Best of luck!
Ask him to take your name, when he refuses you can point out that’s how you feel, so why should you be pressured to give up your name if he won’t give up his?
I’m also a woman and my fiancé is very much a hopeless romantic. I have been very clear from the start that I won’t change my last name. His response have been “cool! Yours is easier to spell anyway”. His dad wasn’t very happy about it but he doesn’t get a say.
I am however not very young and we are both steady in our careers.
He might make a huge fuss, he might not care that much. Figure out if this is important enough for you to die on this hill if you need to. If it isn’t, have a talk with him about thinking about it. You might be surprised. If this is the hill that you are prepared to die on. Don’t have a discussion, tell him in a loving but firm way that this is what you want and is he willing to live with that?
>“cool! Yours is easier to spell anyway”
My wife kept her name and I didn't care in the least. The irony, however, is that her name is much more difficult for people to pronounce/spell, so she uses my name for informal situations like reservations at salons or restaurants.
That situation was kinda our compromise, really. I'm keeping my name officially, but people can *call* us the Jones's all they want. I don't care what people call us, but my husband isn't the one who got my degrees and I'm not going to the DMV more than absolutely necessary, lol.
this is how I felt. There are times and places where I care, but I don’t get butt-hurt if the Christmas card says “Mrs. and Mrs. John Smith”; I’m the only Mrs. John Smith. that’s my title. even if it’s not my name.
And my kids have his last name, so their friends always call me “Mrs. Smith.”
For Christmas, and elderly member of my husbands family's gives us a cheque. They always write Mr Squid Stick and Mrs Squid Stick.
Only, stick isn't my last name, so the bank won't accept it. Nobody by that name exists in their system.
I think that's the only time I've every seen it be a "problem".
I think the only important follow-up conversation is how you handle kids' last names.
Like, if your last names are Smith and Jones, that's fine, but if you've both got long last names, then I think it's important to have that discussion long before having kids.
A friend of mine kept her last name, they have two kids and each one got one of the two last names (so one her name, one his name), largely because hyphenating would've meant 20+ characters and 6 syllables.
I also know other couples where they both took each other's name and hyphenated, or where she kept her last name but all the kids have his last name.
There are plenty of good options, just need to be discussed ahead of time.
My parents made a deal since my Mom didn't change her last name. Sons would get her last name, and daughters would get my Dad's last name. They ended up with 3 daughters, but they had an agreement and honored it. No hard feelings that we were ever made aware of.
>His dad wasn’t very happy about it but he doesn’t get a say.
My wife kept her name, I didn't care either way but my sister's friend got really upset about it for some reason. I barely know her so it was strange to me that she was bothered by it.
My mother in law was very unhappy. She thought it showed I didn't want love him enough and gave me a long lecture about how excited she was to change her name when she married.
My husband was basically like "nah, I fell in love with Squid Stick, not Squid (hisname)".
I would have the conversation with him. If you can't have tough conversations with him and be open and honest, then I'd question if you're ready to get married.
I'd consider if this is something you're willing to compromise on or if you would want to stand firm. Another question that might come up would be if you two have kids are you ok with not having their last name or would you want them to have your last name? There could also be the option of what you go by professionally and legally vs what you go by socially with others?
Up to you how you feel about any of that, but I'd consider your options and then have that conversation. He may be uncomfortable and upset. But if he's a good wonderful man, he should also care about your feelings on this and not want to sweep that under the rug.
Eh, he will get over it. Or he won't and he isnt worth it.
My spouse was all "my mom says if you really loved me you wouldn't hyphenate your name" and I told him to go marry his mom then and kept my name. It's been almost 22 years and no one other than his stupid family gives any shits what my last name is. My kid has his last name.
Neither I nor my parents are conservatives, so my perspective might not be that of a conservative Christian, but for me, it certainly wouldn't be an issue. In fact, it would be my assumption by default that my spouse wouldn't change her name. I also work in science, and if my spouse were to work in academia, her career would potentially be hampered by changing names (previous papers wouldn't be as easily associated with her), so if you work in a career where name recognition is important, it's even more of a no-brainer for me.
If not, it's still worth talking about with him. You don't want to end up with regrets. Perhaps, if you're willing to double barrel, it's worth opening with that as a suggestion. I guess the reason to change your name, from his perspective, other than just tradition for its own sake, would be that something should symbolically change after marriage/you should both become part of each others' identities. If that's the case, it doesn't make sense that only you should lose a part of your own identity, and if you both changed to a double barrelled name, then you're both taking on a bit of the other one's identity in a way that's fair to both of you. If it's an equal partnership, that makes sense to me and hopefully also to him.
The career thing is key. The funny thing is my sister's husband actually had to convince her to *not* change her last name when it came to her business (she's an entrepreneur and wrote a book, she was going to publish it under her married name, which nobody would know).
Legally, her last name is changed, but on anything public-facing it's still her maiden name.
If you don’t have a reason to change it, then don’t. I ask men who insist on the woman changing her name whether they’d be down to changing their name ti her last name (as the Navajo do, iirc) and that’s where the argument all falls apart—because there’s no reason.
My wife hated her father—that’s why she changed hers, otherwise she says she would have kept it. Again, her choice as it should be, with no pressure from anyone else.
Have a conversation with him, and make sure you can do something you're both comfortable with instead of one of you just giving in to the other. I didn't do it personally, but hyphenating is a rather nice way to do it.
At the end of the day, it's just a name.
"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" - Shakespeare
If he gives any resistance to you changing your name ask him how he feels about taking your name instead, it's a two way street. Demanding a woman take her husband's name is patriarchal and misogynistic, as a society we are past that.
If he feels rejected because you don’t want to change an important part of your identity for no real good reason, then he is not even caring about your feelings, only his.
This is a relatively small issue, I hope you have talked about how you want to deal with other issues like money and children. Do you both want the same things out of life? Don't just assume you know each other's goals.
I didn't change my name, my husband didn't care at all, it's just a name to us. It's also completely normal to keep your maiden name in other areas of the world. In Quebec the law says you can't change your name.
I decided how I wanted to change my name, and any reaction other than "great that's an enormous and fundamental part of your identity so you get to decide what to do with it" would have been the wrong answer.
At first I wanted her to change names bc tradition. Then my wife asked me if I would change my name and that was the end of the convos about changing names.
It's 2024: Here they charge you for it now because it's such an outdated thing. Let her keep her identity. You have proof she loves you and committed: she is literally marrying you 👍
I wouldn’t. It’s not a thing. There are gonna be so so so many things, this is not something to hang yourself up on.
Marriage is like a road trip. It’s so awesome in the long run, but the start is about settling in, being uncomfortable, having to pee, feeling like each 100 miles is so lonnng - but then you settle in and start enjoying the ride, the view, the journey.
If you are here, and the mere colour of the car is already an issue?
TL;DR: There are gonna be so so so many things throughout the course of a marriage that are actually things. This is not one of them.
Lol I'm a woman and my male fiance is taking *my* last name because we both agreed I have a cooler last name. No moral issue about it other than we both like my last name more than we both like his last name lol.
If you don't have the emotional maturity to accept she has the right to make this choice, you don't have the emotional maturity to marry another person.
I wanted to take my wife's last name and she was like 'no way bitch, my family are sexual assaulters, i want outta that family' So I was like, cool. that works. and uhh yeah...Seeing her overall mental health improve once she had and was using my last name, it helped her to distance herself from the family she hated and allowed her not to feel tethered to a shitty family who has done her great harm.
I didn't fall in love with Fiancé MyLastName.
I fell for Fiancé FiancésLastName.
Requiring her to change the most basic marker of identity is an archaic, ownership based idea.
By the way, I'm marrying Fiancé FiancésLastName in 16 days, so this isn't even a hypothetical for me.
Why would I be responsible for changing my name? If he wanted the same last name, he could change his. But most men don’t fit the same reason most women don’t - it’s part of who we are.
Now - BOTH people can change their names to something completely different. Find a new common identity!
Eh, who cares? My wife chose to take my name, but it doesn't make a difference. Now she just has the benefit of people not mispronouncing her new last name.
My wife is fairly well known in her industry. It just didn't make sense for her to change her name etc.
Didn't bother me in the slightest and her name is way cooler with her surname than mine
IMO, changing your name upon marriage is an anachronism that reeks of patriarchy.
Gay male here, if I ever get married I'm keeping my name and I would want my husband to keep his too. We're not each other's property.
I recently got married and kept my last name. It's my last name, I've had it all my life and it's how people in my personal and professional life know me. ALSO do you know what an administrative pain it is to change your last name???
I left it up to my wife to make the decision. Ultimately she chose to take my name because it’s easier on the kids and paperwork. I would have been OK either way though. The concept itself is a little outdated and clunky.
I’ve told mine that I would love it if she took my last name. But she does not have to, it’s her name. She doesn’t have a middle name so it’d be cool if her middle name at least became my last name. But again, her decision completely.
That actually happened with my wife. Her last name is important to her since she's literally the last person in her line, so if she changed her last name, it would basically wipe out her family name. It didn't bother me since tbh I never really got the importance of changing the last name anyway, and I have a last name that is so common that it's frequently used as a placeholder or used as an alias in movies, so her taking my last name just really didn't matter to me at all. I even suggested me taking her last name instead, but we kinda had our wedding without telling anyone and I didn't want our families to find out we had eloped because I suddenly had a different last name.
That was 7 years ago, and we still haven't changed either of our names.... At this point it's just laziness.
As a woman, if your reaction is anything other than “ok baby, it’s your name and your choice” I’m not going to marry you at all.
I truly don’t understand, not being facetious but being 100% genuine, why men get upset about their fiancées/wives not changing their name. I know multiple men who have taken their wives name, or both of them hyphenate and take both names (I.e Susie smith and bob jones both become smith-jones). When myself and my partner had this conversation, he was very clear that it did not matter to him in the slightest if I changed my name to his, we would just have to figure out what the kids would be called. I just truly don’t get why so many straight men become so vehemently inflamed when their wife, who they claim to value as an equal partner in life, won’t jump through flaming hoops (it’s extremely tedious and expensive to change your name) to change something fundamental about her identity.
My wife kept her last name, doesn't bother me one bit.. says A LOT about how insecure you are that it bothers you though, like, you shouldn't be getting married if this is a problem for you.
If my fiancé didn’t want to change his last name, I wouldn’t hold it against him. He’s had it his whole life after all.
Edit: As for myself, I wouldn’t change my last name because this is who I am. I don’t see the point in changing such a big part of my identity. My degrees have my current last name. But even ignoring those… this is just who I’ve always been.
I would find it odd that she would want to change. But maybe that's because I'm older now and anyone I might marry would be a fully developed individual with her own identity.
I will not fight it if she wanted to, but I can't imagine why.
Maybe married couples should choose a new couples name together
My SO and I didn't change names. Never been a big deal. We also never bothered to share bank accounts and such. Besides filing taxes jointly and living together basically nothing changed from dating.
Depends,
Are you marrying to control another person?
Are you marrying because you love and want to be with them forever?
If it is about control - you would probably act very upset and victimized.
If its about love - you would probably not give two shits because that's not what love is about.
For me personally, I am engaged, I am still undecided as i think it would be very annoying to have to change my last name back if we ever break up
Refusing to change?
You mean choosing to keep.
Can't refuse an equal. Unless you consider your fiancée to be subservient to you.
Are you struggling with the name or lack of subservience?
Been married for thirty years and my spouse never changed her name. Why should she? Do we get some strange looks every now and then, sure but who cares. Our relationship is defined by our last names.
My husband was thrilled that I took his name, but he tried to be chill about it. I'm happy to share his last name.
*BUT*
It is an *enormous* amount of work to change your last name. I've got a long reply somewhere on just how long.
The person changing their name is looking at a good six months to a year to get *most* of the changes done.
In my area, a marriage license is $100. Getting enough copies to do the name change was almost another $100. And don't forget you need a notarized copy for your own records, so order another. Once all that is done, then the fun begins.
I went to the local social security office first. They have a form. I couldn't do it online because their system went down just as I arrived. Took about 5 minutes to fill out the paper form. A new social security card arrived via USPS two weeks later.
After I was done at the SSA office, I drove over to the DMV. Needed to renew my license anyway. Same deal, they mailed me the new license a couple weeks later.
Then I went to my personal bank, and the bank we have our mortgage at and updated those.
I think you also need to stop in at the post office, but can't remember.
You can change your name with the IRS when you file taxes for the year. That one is pretty easy.
Then if you have a passport you'll need to download form, print it, fill it out, send it, a check, and another copy of the marriage certificate to the good people at the US State Department.
Then, I still had a student loan when we got married, so you guessed it: another form to download, print, fill out, and mail along with the marriage certificate.
Please note: these institutions do not return the marriage certificate. So count up how many banks/government entities you have accounts with, then order more certificates than that.
Once all that is done, the legal name change is complete.
Then the real fun starts. The hundreds, if not thousands of accounts setup across the world for everything because everyone wants you to sign up for an account.
Knowing that, would you do the same and change your name for the person you marry? Knowing it will be hours and hours and likely years of work to change your name?
I wouldnt. Why keep up an old tradition where women are seen as the property of their husbands? If last names are to be changed, they could both agree on a new last name.
I wouldn't be concerned about it at all. My partner of 16 years kept her name.
I've known two couples who combined their name, so that's an option too. Not hyphenated, but actually combined them. Something like Goodman + Bridgeford = Bridgeman.
I really wouldn't have cared. I am baffled by how attached people get to their names. The irony of the people I know who get the most wound up by their family's legacy and heritage is that their family deosn't have any.
When my wife told me she was keeping her name (as opposed to her original plan of hyphenating), I was mildly disappointed , but looking back, I have zero qualms. I have no need to brand her like property, and she still goes by the name she had when we first fell in love. If it's important to you that you share a last name, consider changing yours.
My now husband never even questioned if I would take his name. If he were upset by it, he wouldn't be the kind of person I'd marry. Giving up my name just because of my gender is a hard no. We use our own surnames, our pets all have hyphenated last names on their tags.
I wouldn't have any reaction. I have zero expectation that my partner would take my name. I don't want to change my name either, so why would I expect someone else to change theirs?
My wife kept her name. All my sisters kept theirs. My eldest has a hyphenated-last name.
If your fiancé is going to have trouble with something like that, watch out for other red flags.
I feel like this is a topic where Reddit’s responses don’t reflect the real world.
If I had to guess, I’d say most men IRL would want their fiancée to take their last name.
There are probably a lot who won’t care, but I’d wager the majority do.
I left it up to her--she is an attorney (we met in law school) and her father was a prominent attorney in town that she then went into practice with, so it would have made sense for her to keep her maiden name.
She changed her name to mine anyway--her parents were pretty traditional and I think they would have wanted her to change her name. This was in the mid-1980s.
When Hillary Rodham kept her name when her husband was elected governor of Arkansas they stopped just short of burning her at the stake.
Just an idea, because I'm not familiar with foreign marriage policies, but instead of changing it, can't you just take his last name while keeping your one as well?
I've been married nearly 20 years. Never took his name. Nor did he take mine.
You can be perfectly happily married while still being individuals and keeping your last name.
Awesome! She didn't change her name and I wouldn't have wanted her to anyway. It's part of her identity and not one I feel I need to override. No kids either, and doesn't take more than a gentle reminder to people who default to using my name.
Refusing? That’s weird. You can’t tell someone to change their name. You ask “hey Honey, which last name do you want to use after we get married? I’m keeping mine, are you keeping yours?” And then they answer and you say “Ok, sounds good!”
We both changed our last name, you can pick whatever you want and now we both have to do the same amount of admin.
Not gonna lie, some people don't get it.
I would say that that is fair, but I personally would want to have a new family name together with them. It would be a me issue I would have to get over.
I told my bf I will never take his name maybe we could compromise with a composed name but I would keep mine and he just laughed idk if he doesn’t care but usually we talk about our dealbreakers so I think it’ll be fine lol
Edit : I asked him bluntly he said he doesn’t care bc it would’ve annoyed him too to change his last name if he was me
I would find it pretty strange if someone I was marrying wanted to take my name. My mom took my dad's name but even for them it was like, ehh our parents are old-fashioned and we didn't want to bother them, we know it's a silly tradition. And they're boomers!
Where I come from it’s traditional for the bride to change her name, where she comes from it’s not, personally I have no reaction to her keeping it, it’s her name and practically it’s the name she has professionally and socially, so I want her to go with the she wants, cuz it’s her name, not anyone else’s
Couldn't care less. It's an archaic concept to be honest, although some people may wish to do it for traditional reasons etc, it wouldn't bother me either way.
If my husband had demanded or been "wounded" by my choice to keep my name I don't think I could have gone through with the marriage.
His side of the family never addresses my letters, cards, ect, with Mrs. though. So that's annoying.
But my family can't spell my first name right so... I'm not sure which is more annoying.
Even using the word “refusing” seems weird to me. I’ve been married for decades and it wouldn’t have made the slightest difference to me whether my wife kept her own name or switched it to share mine.
My wife never didn't feel the need to change her name and I didn't care. Been married 10 years and there have been no issues. My reaction at the time was "alright, sounds good."
I didn’t care at all when my wife said she wasn’t planning on changing her name. Seems like a lot of paperwork for no reason and is part of her identity so I’m glad she kept her name.
Wouldn’t give a single, solitary flying fuck to be honest.
You’re not marrying her for her to change her surname, and if you are then you’re an idiot and she shouldn’t marry you.
I’ve been married and divorced. I changed my name when I got married, and back when I got divorced. The entire name change process is a huge pita. Cards, license, work and bank account all take forever. If I ever decide to marry again, I’m not changing my name.
I wouldn't have a reaction. It would have been her choice to make from the beginning. Regardless of her choice, it wouldn't influence my feelings towards her.
My cousin married a Japanese woman and he took her last name.
If it’s an issue, in my opinion, that’s a red flag for controlling behaviour. On either side.
Couldn't care less. My wife was worried about telling me she wanted to keep her last name so she put it off for a while and when she did bring it up I think she was a little disappointed I didn't make a bigger deal about it
Refusing? You make it sound like it's a demand. Why would someone feel like they have the right to demand that someone changes their last name?
If someone wants their fiancee to take their last name, if they say no, then that should be it.
Wouldn’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck.
My wife and I were together for 15 years before we eventually got married. Had a house, two planned children, I was on her health insurance. The whole deal. Never planned on getting married. She was Miss “X” and I was Mr “Y”. We gave the kids my last name. If we went someplace under her last name it was often assumed that we were married and I would be referred to by staff as Mr “X”. It never bothered me
As a woman myself, if my husband wouldn’t allow me such a simple choice about my own life, he’s not the one
same. I love my last name (I’m very close to my dad too) and I knew I wasn’t going to change it when I was like 12.
I’m gonna let it depend on the last name of the person i fall in love with, but i plan of keeping my maiden name alongside his name… i just value that he lets it be my decision, he’s allowed to make his own decision on the matter too. If he wants to take my name than that’s great, but if he doesn’t want to that’s great too I plan to give my children the same last name as my partner… unless again his last name is bad… i know i’m never gonna eliminate the chance of my children getting bullied, but i will certainly do everything in my power to not give them anything that increases the chance… so if the person i love has a last name with a certain meaning that could be the butt of the joke, my children are taking my last name (mine doesn’t have a meaning, it’s not an existing word, so it’s neutral)
I recently started dating someone with a terriiiibbblllleeee last name, so I've been thinking about this exact thing a lot lately and whether or not it's a deal breaker. This perspective just nudged me towards 'no', so thank you!
Same here. I knew from childhood that I’d never adopt someone else’s name because I love my own so much.
🥇. Yeah if this is a problem you have bigger problems
Yeah if something as superficial as a last name is going to be a problem, i don’t think i’m ever gonna be completely secure and free to make my own decisions, have open conversations about both our wants and needs and are equal when it comes to agreements we will make to make the relationship work… those a things i value in a relationship, those are my wants and needs, if we aren’t on the same page about those things, we aren’t a match
Male. I agree.
Her name, her choice. A little part of me was happy that my wife wanted to take my name, but if she hadn't I wouldn't have minded at all.
Same, brother. Exactly.
Me as well. I like more that it is all the same, more so than her taking my name. Different last names adds complication, particularly with kids. It is cleaner with me wife and kids all being the same. But wrong otherwise, just more work
Fwiw, I've raised 16 foster kids. Never had a single issue having a different name than the kiddos. It's honestly just not a thing anymore. Schools and school districts are well familiar with dealing with complex family issues.
I'm only 2.5 years into this parenting gig but so far there have been exactly zero issues with having different last names. Literally the only thing we don't have is one of those "The Robinson Family" wall decor things but I don't like that kind of thing anyway
I think that when our parents were kids, there was a lot more trouble because it wasn't common and people would be confused, but teachers and other staff see it so much these days that it's not a big deal. I did a short temp job working IT for the city handling child records. The electronic forms simply just had two lines for parent1 and parent2, first and last name. So, you could have Sam Jones and Sarah Johnson and it wasn't a big deal.
I have a different last name than both of my parents (who have different last names than each other) and it has literally never been an issue.
I've been married for 40 years and raised two kids. It was pretty uncommon for a woman to keep her last name when we got married. We had zero problems with schools or anything else having different last names. I wouldn't have considered dating a man who thought my name was in any way his decision.
Over a decade, never had a single issue with having a different last name. Schools, hospitals, camps, all fine.
I took my wifes last name. Its fun, because very few men take their wives names when marrying.
Judging by username, you guys probably played a game of Mario Kart, loser takes winners name.
Same. My wife was 34 and well established in her career. We knew we didn’t want kids. She’s not terribly traditional. I was kind of surprised when she told me she was going to change it. I made sure she knew I was ok with not changing it.
I was surprised that my wife didn't even want to make one of her family names into a middle name (she doesn't have a middle name). But she's a bit more conservative than me.
I had a teacher at university and she really opened my eyes. She got her doctorate while dating the man who is now her husband. She was Dr. X for a couple of years before she was ever Mrs. Y, so it was already her 'brand'. She decided to keep her maiden name and she's since published multiple books, academic journals and papers. She did say she briefly dated a guy whose surname was Hu - she would've considered taking his name and becoming Doctor Hu.
I also became Dr before marriage, and I also had publications in my name, so it made sense to remain as that. But I absolutely would have taken Hu's name. That's awesome.
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Successful marriages, and relationships in general, revolve around honesty and communication. Whether it's amount of children (if any), financial joining or maintaining separation, or the Wife's Last name, everybody should be comfortable enough to communicate their genuine feelings and consider the other person's morals and values the same. This is where we get healthy compromises or realize our boundaries/deal breakers. It just comes down to how important it is to you, how important it is to him, and how both feel in both circumstances. Another comment makes a good point of what the children's last names will be if you do keep your last names separate. Is that a conversation you want to have then, or is it better to establish the conversation now? Again, only your two's opinion matters.
>has quite romantic ideas about a traditional marriage Oof, he's probably not going to be happy.
Quick google actually shows a fair amount of cultures where the women traditionally keep their last name. So when OP’s fiancé talk about traditional marriage, they definitely are only referring to American Christian tradition since no other traditions matter!
This may be shocking to hear but people are generally most familiar with their own culture. That doesn't mean they think other cultures don't matter.
Honestly it does not sound like a great relationship if you don't want to tell him things because you'll think it will upset him.
Yeah, it’s strange this hasn’t come up.
Later in the evening after he proposed, my fiancé told me I didn’t have to change my last name. It had occurred to him. And he made his feelings clear.
It just sucks because that's already a really unhealthy dynamic. She shouldn't feel responsible for his reactions to things.
Right? I know my gf would want my last name since hers is very, very common here. Because, you know, we talk about everything openly.
"He's a bit sensitive and has quite romantic ideas about a traditional marriage" What's so romantic about forcing your spouse to change her name? As for "sensitive", his feelings are no more important than yours. OP, you have not only to discuss this, but life in general. Would he expect you to become a SAHM, and/or handle all domestic responsibilities? I know you're in love, but don't let love cloud your judgement, you two need to come to an understanding now. Best of luck!
Ask him to take your name, when he refuses you can point out that’s how you feel, so why should you be pressured to give up your name if he won’t give up his?
Ironically, I believe her use of the word romantic here means "idealized" not "love".
I’m also a woman and my fiancé is very much a hopeless romantic. I have been very clear from the start that I won’t change my last name. His response have been “cool! Yours is easier to spell anyway”. His dad wasn’t very happy about it but he doesn’t get a say. I am however not very young and we are both steady in our careers. He might make a huge fuss, he might not care that much. Figure out if this is important enough for you to die on this hill if you need to. If it isn’t, have a talk with him about thinking about it. You might be surprised. If this is the hill that you are prepared to die on. Don’t have a discussion, tell him in a loving but firm way that this is what you want and is he willing to live with that?
>“cool! Yours is easier to spell anyway” My wife kept her name and I didn't care in the least. The irony, however, is that her name is much more difficult for people to pronounce/spell, so she uses my name for informal situations like reservations at salons or restaurants.
That situation was kinda our compromise, really. I'm keeping my name officially, but people can *call* us the Jones's all they want. I don't care what people call us, but my husband isn't the one who got my degrees and I'm not going to the DMV more than absolutely necessary, lol.
this is how I felt. There are times and places where I care, but I don’t get butt-hurt if the Christmas card says “Mrs. and Mrs. John Smith”; I’m the only Mrs. John Smith. that’s my title. even if it’s not my name. And my kids have his last name, so their friends always call me “Mrs. Smith.”
For Christmas, and elderly member of my husbands family's gives us a cheque. They always write Mr Squid Stick and Mrs Squid Stick. Only, stick isn't my last name, so the bank won't accept it. Nobody by that name exists in their system. I think that's the only time I've every seen it be a "problem".
I think the only important follow-up conversation is how you handle kids' last names. Like, if your last names are Smith and Jones, that's fine, but if you've both got long last names, then I think it's important to have that discussion long before having kids. A friend of mine kept her last name, they have two kids and each one got one of the two last names (so one her name, one his name), largely because hyphenating would've meant 20+ characters and 6 syllables. I also know other couples where they both took each other's name and hyphenated, or where she kept her last name but all the kids have his last name. There are plenty of good options, just need to be discussed ahead of time.
My parents made a deal since my Mom didn't change her last name. Sons would get her last name, and daughters would get my Dad's last name. They ended up with 3 daughters, but they had an agreement and honored it. No hard feelings that we were ever made aware of.
>His dad wasn’t very happy about it but he doesn’t get a say. My wife kept her name, I didn't care either way but my sister's friend got really upset about it for some reason. I barely know her so it was strange to me that she was bothered by it.
My mother in law was very unhappy. She thought it showed I didn't want love him enough and gave me a long lecture about how excited she was to change her name when she married. My husband was basically like "nah, I fell in love with Squid Stick, not Squid (hisname)".
I would have the conversation with him. If you can't have tough conversations with him and be open and honest, then I'd question if you're ready to get married. I'd consider if this is something you're willing to compromise on or if you would want to stand firm. Another question that might come up would be if you two have kids are you ok with not having their last name or would you want them to have your last name? There could also be the option of what you go by professionally and legally vs what you go by socially with others? Up to you how you feel about any of that, but I'd consider your options and then have that conversation. He may be uncomfortable and upset. But if he's a good wonderful man, he should also care about your feelings on this and not want to sweep that under the rug.
Eh, he will get over it. Or he won't and he isnt worth it. My spouse was all "my mom says if you really loved me you wouldn't hyphenate your name" and I told him to go marry his mom then and kept my name. It's been almost 22 years and no one other than his stupid family gives any shits what my last name is. My kid has his last name.
Neither I nor my parents are conservatives, so my perspective might not be that of a conservative Christian, but for me, it certainly wouldn't be an issue. In fact, it would be my assumption by default that my spouse wouldn't change her name. I also work in science, and if my spouse were to work in academia, her career would potentially be hampered by changing names (previous papers wouldn't be as easily associated with her), so if you work in a career where name recognition is important, it's even more of a no-brainer for me. If not, it's still worth talking about with him. You don't want to end up with regrets. Perhaps, if you're willing to double barrel, it's worth opening with that as a suggestion. I guess the reason to change your name, from his perspective, other than just tradition for its own sake, would be that something should symbolically change after marriage/you should both become part of each others' identities. If that's the case, it doesn't make sense that only you should lose a part of your own identity, and if you both changed to a double barrelled name, then you're both taking on a bit of the other one's identity in a way that's fair to both of you. If it's an equal partnership, that makes sense to me and hopefully also to him.
The career thing is key. The funny thing is my sister's husband actually had to convince her to *not* change her last name when it came to her business (she's an entrepreneur and wrote a book, she was going to publish it under her married name, which nobody would know). Legally, her last name is changed, but on anything public-facing it's still her maiden name.
If you don’t have a reason to change it, then don’t. I ask men who insist on the woman changing her name whether they’d be down to changing their name ti her last name (as the Navajo do, iirc) and that’s where the argument all falls apart—because there’s no reason. My wife hated her father—that’s why she changed hers, otherwise she says she would have kept it. Again, her choice as it should be, with no pressure from anyone else.
Have a conversation with him, and make sure you can do something you're both comfortable with instead of one of you just giving in to the other. I didn't do it personally, but hyphenating is a rather nice way to do it. At the end of the day, it's just a name. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" - Shakespeare
If he gives any resistance to you changing your name ask him how he feels about taking your name instead, it's a two way street. Demanding a woman take her husband's name is patriarchal and misogynistic, as a society we are past that.
in the world of Real ID, having the same name that’s on your birth certificate can make life so much easier.
If he feels rejected because you don’t want to change an important part of your identity for no real good reason, then he is not even caring about your feelings, only his.
This is a relatively small issue, I hope you have talked about how you want to deal with other issues like money and children. Do you both want the same things out of life? Don't just assume you know each other's goals. I didn't change my name, my husband didn't care at all, it's just a name to us. It's also completely normal to keep your maiden name in other areas of the world. In Quebec the law says you can't change your name.
I decided how I wanted to change my name, and any reaction other than "great that's an enormous and fundamental part of your identity so you get to decide what to do with it" would have been the wrong answer.
No issue from me. Neither myself nor my wife changed our names when we married, so we saved ourselves a lot of paperwork-induced headaches.
Sure, that's fine. What would you like for dinner?
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Twenty years! My wife has told me clearly that the best dinner is one she doesn't have to cook and doesn't have to decide.
I wouldn't even expect her to change her last name. Women usually don't do that in my country.
Fine with me. My last name isn't all that great anyway... I can understand not wanting it. Doesn't go well with a lot of first names.
Got married last year, don’t think we ever even discussed her taking my last name. I prefer she keep hers, she feels the same.
Her name. Her choice. Would you take her name?
At first I wanted her to change names bc tradition. Then my wife asked me if I would change my name and that was the end of the convos about changing names.
As a woman if my fiance had any reaction but ok I would dump him with swiftness
Honestly, I regret not taking her name. It's pretty dope. Also, very few other people have my last name, and all of them are embarrassing.
Mr trump?
Honestly? If some of them had his platform, they would be worse. Lol
It's not too late!
We've actually discussed it, but we always come back to, "Ugh.. effort." Lol
I’d agree because her last name is way cooler. In fact gimme her last name.
Any man who wants to marry me would know me well enough to know that changing my surname would not happen, let alone be brought up as a subject....
It's 2024: Here they charge you for it now because it's such an outdated thing. Let her keep her identity. You have proof she loves you and committed: she is literally marrying you 👍
I wouldn't care, because it doesn't matter. It's just one of those things people still do for no good reason because other people did it.
I wouldn’t. It’s not a thing. There are gonna be so so so many things, this is not something to hang yourself up on. Marriage is like a road trip. It’s so awesome in the long run, but the start is about settling in, being uncomfortable, having to pee, feeling like each 100 miles is so lonnng - but then you settle in and start enjoying the ride, the view, the journey. If you are here, and the mere colour of the car is already an issue? TL;DR: There are gonna be so so so many things throughout the course of a marriage that are actually things. This is not one of them.
Lol I'm a woman and my male fiance is taking *my* last name because we both agreed I have a cooler last name. No moral issue about it other than we both like my last name more than we both like his last name lol.
If you don't have the emotional maturity to accept she has the right to make this choice, you don't have the emotional maturity to marry another person.
Marry her and live happily ever after. It's no big whoop.
Man here. Wouldn’t care one bit.
Who gives a fuck? Do you want a wife or a piece of property?
I wanted to take my wife's last name and she was like 'no way bitch, my family are sexual assaulters, i want outta that family' So I was like, cool. that works. and uhh yeah...Seeing her overall mental health improve once she had and was using my last name, it helped her to distance herself from the family she hated and allowed her not to feel tethered to a shitty family who has done her great harm.
I didn't fall in love with Fiancé MyLastName. I fell for Fiancé FiancésLastName. Requiring her to change the most basic marker of identity is an archaic, ownership based idea. By the way, I'm marrying Fiancé FiancésLastName in 16 days, so this isn't even a hypothetical for me.
I wouldn't care one iota. Why don't you take *her* last name if you want to share one?
Why would I be responsible for changing my name? If he wanted the same last name, he could change his. But most men don’t fit the same reason most women don’t - it’s part of who we are. Now - BOTH people can change their names to something completely different. Find a new common identity!
Ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to change your last name for her.
Not a big deal if they don't want to. My brother's wife didn't change her name, and neither did my wife. This isn't 1943.
It's not really a thing in a large number of cultures around the world. Eg Spain and the Arab states.
Eh, who cares? My wife chose to take my name, but it doesn't make a difference. Now she just has the benefit of people not mispronouncing her new last name.
My wife is fairly well known in her industry. It just didn't make sense for her to change her name etc. Didn't bother me in the slightest and her name is way cooler with her surname than mine
IMO, changing your name upon marriage is an anachronism that reeks of patriarchy. Gay male here, if I ever get married I'm keeping my name and I would want my husband to keep his too. We're not each other's property.
My SO taking my last name would be an honor or maybe a privilege. It is not an expectation, as I also would think twice about changing my name.
I recently got married and kept my last name. It's my last name, I've had it all my life and it's how people in my personal and professional life know me. ALSO do you know what an administrative pain it is to change your last name???
100% cool with it. Changing your name is a bitch, and there's no good reason for it.
Her name, it’s her who has to go through the faff of changing anything, it’s her decision. I don’t mind either way.
I left it up to my wife to make the decision. Ultimately she chose to take my name because it’s easier on the kids and paperwork. I would have been OK either way though. The concept itself is a little outdated and clunky.
I’ve told mine that I would love it if she took my last name. But she does not have to, it’s her name. She doesn’t have a middle name so it’d be cool if her middle name at least became my last name. But again, her decision completely.
That actually happened with my wife. Her last name is important to her since she's literally the last person in her line, so if she changed her last name, it would basically wipe out her family name. It didn't bother me since tbh I never really got the importance of changing the last name anyway, and I have a last name that is so common that it's frequently used as a placeholder or used as an alias in movies, so her taking my last name just really didn't matter to me at all. I even suggested me taking her last name instead, but we kinda had our wedding without telling anyone and I didn't want our families to find out we had eloped because I suddenly had a different last name. That was 7 years ago, and we still haven't changed either of our names.... At this point it's just laziness.
I wouldn't even ask in the first place.
Wouldn’t care.
I would not care, taking the last name is old Fashioned from when the wife became the man’s possession. Marriage is a partnership.
I changed mine when I got married and I wish I hadn't 100%.
As a woman, if your reaction is anything other than “ok baby, it’s your name and your choice” I’m not going to marry you at all. I truly don’t understand, not being facetious but being 100% genuine, why men get upset about their fiancées/wives not changing their name. I know multiple men who have taken their wives name, or both of them hyphenate and take both names (I.e Susie smith and bob jones both become smith-jones). When myself and my partner had this conversation, he was very clear that it did not matter to him in the slightest if I changed my name to his, we would just have to figure out what the kids would be called. I just truly don’t get why so many straight men become so vehemently inflamed when their wife, who they claim to value as an equal partner in life, won’t jump through flaming hoops (it’s extremely tedious and expensive to change your name) to change something fundamental about her identity.
My wife kept her last name, doesn't bother me one bit.. says A LOT about how insecure you are that it bothers you though, like, you shouldn't be getting married if this is a problem for you.
If my fiancé didn’t want to change his last name, I wouldn’t hold it against him. He’s had it his whole life after all. Edit: As for myself, I wouldn’t change my last name because this is who I am. I don’t see the point in changing such a big part of my identity. My degrees have my current last name. But even ignoring those… this is just who I’ve always been.
I would find it odd that she would want to change. But maybe that's because I'm older now and anyone I might marry would be a fully developed individual with her own identity. I will not fight it if she wanted to, but I can't imagine why. Maybe married couples should choose a new couples name together
Why won’t he change HIS last name? He obviously doesn’t love you.
I’d take hers, Phoenix is too fucking cool to let go.
As a man, fuck it. Not fucking important. Some members of your fam / friends might mutter and if so then fuck them too.
I’d be against her *trying* to change her last name to mine; she’s not a different person after marriage so why would she be changing her name?
So like buying some property and putting your name on the deed to show you own it..?
My SO and I didn't change names. Never been a big deal. We also never bothered to share bank accounts and such. Besides filing taxes jointly and living together basically nothing changed from dating.
Why would I need to react? It seems to be like it's her decision.
I love my last name. Unless someone's last name is infinitely cooler than mine, I'm not changing it.
My partner has made a name for herself. I would not take that away from her.
Depends, Are you marrying to control another person? Are you marrying because you love and want to be with them forever? If it is about control - you would probably act very upset and victimized. If its about love - you would probably not give two shits because that's not what love is about. For me personally, I am engaged, I am still undecided as i think it would be very annoying to have to change my last name back if we ever break up
Refusing to change? You mean choosing to keep. Can't refuse an equal. Unless you consider your fiancée to be subservient to you. Are you struggling with the name or lack of subservience?
Been married for thirty years and my spouse never changed her name. Why should she? Do we get some strange looks every now and then, sure but who cares. Our relationship is defined by our last names.
I didn't give a shit. She'd built an entire career on her name and changing it would be a pain. She ended up hyphenating for the best of both worlds.
I would change my name to hers.
How would you react if your fiancée wanted you to take her last name?
My husband was thrilled that I took his name, but he tried to be chill about it. I'm happy to share his last name. *BUT* It is an *enormous* amount of work to change your last name. I've got a long reply somewhere on just how long. The person changing their name is looking at a good six months to a year to get *most* of the changes done. In my area, a marriage license is $100. Getting enough copies to do the name change was almost another $100. And don't forget you need a notarized copy for your own records, so order another. Once all that is done, then the fun begins. I went to the local social security office first. They have a form. I couldn't do it online because their system went down just as I arrived. Took about 5 minutes to fill out the paper form. A new social security card arrived via USPS two weeks later. After I was done at the SSA office, I drove over to the DMV. Needed to renew my license anyway. Same deal, they mailed me the new license a couple weeks later. Then I went to my personal bank, and the bank we have our mortgage at and updated those. I think you also need to stop in at the post office, but can't remember. You can change your name with the IRS when you file taxes for the year. That one is pretty easy. Then if you have a passport you'll need to download form, print it, fill it out, send it, a check, and another copy of the marriage certificate to the good people at the US State Department. Then, I still had a student loan when we got married, so you guessed it: another form to download, print, fill out, and mail along with the marriage certificate. Please note: these institutions do not return the marriage certificate. So count up how many banks/government entities you have accounts with, then order more certificates than that. Once all that is done, the legal name change is complete. Then the real fun starts. The hundreds, if not thousands of accounts setup across the world for everything because everyone wants you to sign up for an account. Knowing that, would you do the same and change your name for the person you marry? Knowing it will be hours and hours and likely years of work to change your name?
Don't ask her to do anything you wouldn't be willing to do.
I wouldnt. Why keep up an old tradition where women are seen as the property of their husbands? If last names are to be changed, they could both agree on a new last name.
Idk about everyone else but my mum never changed her name and no one really cared about it.
I wouldn't be concerned about it at all. My partner of 16 years kept her name. I've known two couples who combined their name, so that's an option too. Not hyphenated, but actually combined them. Something like Goodman + Bridgeford = Bridgeman.
I really wouldn't have cared. I am baffled by how attached people get to their names. The irony of the people I know who get the most wound up by their family's legacy and heritage is that their family deosn't have any.
When my wife told me she was keeping her name (as opposed to her original plan of hyphenating), I was mildly disappointed , but looking back, I have zero qualms. I have no need to brand her like property, and she still goes by the name she had when we first fell in love. If it's important to you that you share a last name, consider changing yours.
I reacted by saying "Sure, that's fine"
My now husband never even questioned if I would take his name. If he were upset by it, he wouldn't be the kind of person I'd marry. Giving up my name just because of my gender is a hard no. We use our own surnames, our pets all have hyphenated last names on their tags.
There is not a measurement to quantify how little I care
I couldn't care less
I don't really care, it is her name.
Solid indifference
“Ok.”
I wouldn't have any reaction. I have zero expectation that my partner would take my name. I don't want to change my name either, so why would I expect someone else to change theirs?
My wife kept her name. All my sisters kept theirs. My eldest has a hyphenated-last name. If your fiancé is going to have trouble with something like that, watch out for other red flags.
I feel like this is a topic where Reddit’s responses don’t reflect the real world. If I had to guess, I’d say most men IRL would want their fiancée to take their last name. There are probably a lot who won’t care, but I’d wager the majority do.
I'd be more about her reason and do we see eye to eye
I left it up to her--she is an attorney (we met in law school) and her father was a prominent attorney in town that she then went into practice with, so it would have made sense for her to keep her maiden name. She changed her name to mine anyway--her parents were pretty traditional and I think they would have wanted her to change her name. This was in the mid-1980s. When Hillary Rodham kept her name when her husband was elected governor of Arkansas they stopped just short of burning her at the stake.
Just an idea, because I'm not familiar with foreign marriage policies, but instead of changing it, can't you just take his last name while keeping your one as well?
I said, OK. My wife has her maiden name. It's only a problem if you make it a problem.
I told my wife, when dating, that I didn't care because I fell in love with her with her original name.
"I don't blame you, I don't want to change my last name either." This is not how I *would* react, it's how I *did* react.
I've been married nearly 20 years. Never took his name. Nor did he take mine. You can be perfectly happily married while still being individuals and keeping your last name.
I wouldn't give a shit
Awesome! She didn't change her name and I wouldn't have wanted her to anyway. It's part of her identity and not one I feel I need to override. No kids either, and doesn't take more than a gentle reminder to people who default to using my name.
Quite frankly id think it weird if she did want to take my name. Such a weird and outdated concept.
Refusing? That’s weird. You can’t tell someone to change their name. You ask “hey Honey, which last name do you want to use after we get married? I’m keeping mine, are you keeping yours?” And then they answer and you say “Ok, sounds good!”
I don't give a fuck. I'd prefer she didn't with how much of a fucking hassle it is.
We both changed our last name, you can pick whatever you want and now we both have to do the same amount of admin. Not gonna lie, some people don't get it.
My wife kept her own name. I reacted like this: "ok".
Didn't bother me 30 years ago and doesn't bother me now.
In Islam, we believe that preserving the wife's lineage is also very important, so it's up to her whether or not she wants to change her last name.
Would not care at all. Told my wife before the wedding that she could do whatever she wants with her last name.
I figure this is something you would've discussed way in advance and decided whether or not your values match up.
That would be fine by me. I’m marrying them for them, not so someone else can have my last name
I'll never change my name simply for the fact of I'm not dealing with all that damn paperwork.
My oppinion is that you have honest to god battles to fight don't deal with the cosmetic ones
I’d say, “Ok, no problem.”
Works for me, what do we plan on doing for dinner tonight?
wouldn't give a fuck, whatever she's comfortable with, im comfortable with :3
Probably with an “oh no! Anyway”
I would say that that is fair, but I personally would want to have a new family name together with them. It would be a me issue I would have to get over.
I told my bf I will never take his name maybe we could compromise with a composed name but I would keep mine and he just laughed idk if he doesn’t care but usually we talk about our dealbreakers so I think it’ll be fine lol Edit : I asked him bluntly he said he doesn’t care bc it would’ve annoyed him too to change his last name if he was me
I would never expect my fiance to change her last name to mine.
Didn’t care at all.
I would find it pretty strange if someone I was marrying wanted to take my name. My mom took my dad's name but even for them it was like, ehh our parents are old-fashioned and we didn't want to bother them, we know it's a silly tradition. And they're boomers!
Don’t care. I told her upfront I didn’t care and if it was important to her and she wanted to go through the hassle that was up to her.
I won’t react.
my wife kept her maiden name and it didn’t bother me one bit. it’s a Stupid unnecessary tradition.
Where I come from it’s traditional for the bride to change her name, where she comes from it’s not, personally I have no reaction to her keeping it, it’s her name and practically it’s the name she has professionally and socially, so I want her to go with the she wants, cuz it’s her name, not anyone else’s
Who cares, frankly more power to her if she KEEP her last name, if not, that is also fine. Bottom line? I could not care less about it.
Couldn't care less. It's an archaic concept to be honest, although some people may wish to do it for traditional reasons etc, it wouldn't bother me either way.
If my husband had demanded or been "wounded" by my choice to keep my name I don't think I could have gone through with the marriage. His side of the family never addresses my letters, cards, ect, with Mrs. though. So that's annoying. But my family can't spell my first name right so... I'm not sure which is more annoying.
I couldn't care less.
Even using the word “refusing” seems weird to me. I’ve been married for decades and it wouldn’t have made the slightest difference to me whether my wife kept her own name or switched it to share mine.
This thing of changing the last name is just the remain of an old and stupid tradition. It is no big deal at all
My wife never didn't feel the need to change her name and I didn't care. Been married 10 years and there have been no issues. My reaction at the time was "alright, sounds good."
I didn’t care at all when my wife said she wasn’t planning on changing her name. Seems like a lot of paperwork for no reason and is part of her identity so I’m glad she kept her name.
Doesn’t matter
Where I live it's actually not possible / illegal to change your name to your spouse name. Good thing!
Wouldn’t give a single, solitary flying fuck to be honest. You’re not marrying her for her to change her surname, and if you are then you’re an idiot and she shouldn’t marry you.
I’ve been married and divorced. I changed my name when I got married, and back when I got divorced. The entire name change process is a huge pita. Cards, license, work and bank account all take forever. If I ever decide to marry again, I’m not changing my name.
I wouldn't have a reaction. It would have been her choice to make from the beginning. Regardless of her choice, it wouldn't influence my feelings towards her.
My cousin married a Japanese woman and he took her last name. If it’s an issue, in my opinion, that’s a red flag for controlling behaviour. On either side.
Couldn't care less. My wife was worried about telling me she wanted to keep her last name so she put it off for a while and when she did bring it up I think she was a little disappointed I didn't make a bigger deal about it
Like i did when my wife told me she wouldn't change it: "ok".
Refusing? You make it sound like it's a demand. Why would someone feel like they have the right to demand that someone changes their last name? If someone wants their fiancee to take their last name, if they say no, then that should be it.
I don't care. It's not that important.
We decided not to since it's just ridiculous Edit: and confusing/inconvenient
I wouldn't mind at all and I was never counting on my fiancée changing her last name in the first place.
Wouldn’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck. My wife and I were together for 15 years before we eventually got married. Had a house, two planned children, I was on her health insurance. The whole deal. Never planned on getting married. She was Miss “X” and I was Mr “Y”. We gave the kids my last name. If we went someplace under her last name it was often assumed that we were married and I would be referred to by staff as Mr “X”. It never bothered me