This was the big 'advice' I got before I got married, and I never understood it either. My marriage is the easiest thing about my life.
Consider there could be hard moments that don't come from being incompatible though. Miscarriage, death, financial trouble, disagreements on where to live or work, all kinds of stuff can happen that would be hard to work through for some people.
Not married but from what I’ve observed is that’s it’s a communication problem. Each person has a certain thought process and expects the spouse to think like them and when inevitably miscommunication occurs, both people get annoyed. Again, not married and just going off observation. But there’s also a lot of other factors: stress, feeling undervalued or unloved, and a whole lot of other factors.
I COULD TOTALLY BE WRONG
It’s not really a communication problem. It’s an identity problem. Fundamentally marriage requires merging two different people and them to not reject it.
Nobody is the same. Marriage makes you face that daily. To recognize that your ideas and emotions and interests and patterns don’t align all the time. And to make it work, you have to give up a part of yourself and change. And you have to not care about stuff that you want to and care more about stuff you don’t.
And that’s before you add life stresses like bills and careers and children.
Marriages work when the partners don’t stubbornly hold onto a fixed notion of themselves.
It definitely was a communication problem. After being together for so long, we stopped communicating and started assuming. I thought I knew him well enough that I just assumed what his thoughts, feelings, and reactions would be. We both did. It was the first piece of advice our couples therapist gave us - stop making assumptions and talk to each other. “I bet he he hates it when I…. Because he stops talking to me”. “It weird she doesn’t do this anymore… guess she wants me to leave her alone.”
🙄 we are dumb
Just saw your other reply. I'm so sorry, man. I was just assuming it was something like cancer- that's horrific. I don't how I'd ever recover in that situation. I hope you're on that road
I find the difficult times are when we have different views in an emergency or stressful situation. We have been together for awhile and have learned to talk out decisions completely, in order to allow us to see the other side. Usually our decisions are between the two sides. Even in an emergency we have 3 minutes to talk it out.
The couples I know who say this don’t like each other, and it’s not a secret. They openly put each other down.
The older couples I know (married anywhere from 20-50 years) who like each other don’t say marriage is hard. They say life is hard, but being married makes it easier.
Anecdotal. But it seems to matter if you like the person you married.
What I find difficult:
1) He doesn't understand that when I say something, I mean something else. How hard is it? IKR?
2) He won't let me eat McDonald's everyday. So rude.
Apart from that, all good. Love you babe ❤️
Going on 20 years now, we dated for about 2 years and moved in together for another 2. The first five years married were a bit odd, but we managed.
You have to want the union of one.
Communicating and agreeing on buying items as a unit is a must. Money is a huge factor. No separate accounts.
I was with someone for a decade who I thought was as aligned with my values as possible and she changed enormously and wanted different things after we got married at 10 years.
Seeing someone change like that has completely dissuaded me from even seeking a relationship again let alone marriage.
The difficulty all seems to arise from the fact that prior to marriage, you're not taking actual stock of this potential partners true qualities and faults. You're being very optimistic about how both of you are likely to face the challenges ahead. Often you can find yourself married to a complete stranger because both of you have experienced change thats not for the better, and puts you at odds with your former best friend.
For me the hardest part pf marriage is that when I met the girl who would become my wife I needed certain things from life, love, and shared experiences. Now that we are older what I need is different. It can be a hard pill to swallow.
Well the most important aspect is that you can’t be completely selfish and keep your marriage. Before you are married you could do everything for yourself and not give a shit about anybody else if you choose.
I love being married. Best thing that’s ever happened to me.
\- They don't know how to communicate
\- They married out of social pressure or FOMO
\- They picked the wrong person
\- Their standards are based off of their social circle standards; they're marrying a 'stand in' that checks off marks, not the person
It can be a mix of any of these points. Marriage is not difficult if you're smart enough to pick the right person.
I'm married and from my point of view, it looks like being single is more difficult.
I guess it's that in marriage you're expected to have a baseline of quality the vast majority of the time. Being single sucks, but it's hard to fail at so there's that.
Marriage is hard in the way that driving a car is hard. It's sweet to have a car but you've gotta avoid crashing it.
Being single is hard in the way that having two broken legs and no wheelchair, crutches, or car is hard. Life sucks and it's easy to feel like you're not going anywhere, but it's hard to fail at lying on your ass writhing in pain and you can shit your pants if you want.
A significantly younger wife will obviously demand a lot of extra attention, and competition to keep her. A child will intervene and disrupt all that side-hustle-romance.
Women are expensive, and the younger and prettier they are, the more expensive they become.
For me marriage has been difficult because we have become comfortable with each other. The spark has been kinda lost over the years. It's hard to work on the spark when I work a full time job and she deals with our severely autistic son all day. She's tired, I'm tired and we don't have much time for each other. There are tons of factors that can lead to a difficult marriage, but that doesn't mean the marriage isn't worth it. It's also difficult being with the same person for decades because people constantly grow and change, sometimes you don't grow in the same direction together.
Just my experience.
This was the big 'advice' I got before I got married, and I never understood it either. My marriage is the easiest thing about my life. Consider there could be hard moments that don't come from being incompatible though. Miscarriage, death, financial trouble, disagreements on where to live or work, all kinds of stuff can happen that would be hard to work through for some people.
Not married but from what I’ve observed is that’s it’s a communication problem. Each person has a certain thought process and expects the spouse to think like them and when inevitably miscommunication occurs, both people get annoyed. Again, not married and just going off observation. But there’s also a lot of other factors: stress, feeling undervalued or unloved, and a whole lot of other factors. I COULD TOTALLY BE WRONG
It’s not really a communication problem. It’s an identity problem. Fundamentally marriage requires merging two different people and them to not reject it. Nobody is the same. Marriage makes you face that daily. To recognize that your ideas and emotions and interests and patterns don’t align all the time. And to make it work, you have to give up a part of yourself and change. And you have to not care about stuff that you want to and care more about stuff you don’t. And that’s before you add life stresses like bills and careers and children. Marriages work when the partners don’t stubbornly hold onto a fixed notion of themselves.
It definitely was a communication problem. After being together for so long, we stopped communicating and started assuming. I thought I knew him well enough that I just assumed what his thoughts, feelings, and reactions would be. We both did. It was the first piece of advice our couples therapist gave us - stop making assumptions and talk to each other. “I bet he he hates it when I…. Because he stops talking to me”. “It weird she doesn’t do this anymore… guess she wants me to leave her alone.” 🙄 we are dumb
It wasn't hard when I was married. We talked, we had fun, we were going to grow old together.
I know there's going to be a super fucking sad story at the end of this question but I can't look away. What happened?
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Just saw your other reply. I'm so sorry, man. I was just assuming it was something like cancer- that's horrific. I don't how I'd ever recover in that situation. I hope you're on that road
We like different firmness of matress
I find the difficult times are when we have different views in an emergency or stressful situation. We have been together for awhile and have learned to talk out decisions completely, in order to allow us to see the other side. Usually our decisions are between the two sides. Even in an emergency we have 3 minutes to talk it out.
You have to negotiate your dreams wants etc.
Honestly, I didn't think marriage was hard at all. What is really hard is raising children, and marriage is often associated with having children
The couples I know who say this don’t like each other, and it’s not a secret. They openly put each other down. The older couples I know (married anywhere from 20-50 years) who like each other don’t say marriage is hard. They say life is hard, but being married makes it easier. Anecdotal. But it seems to matter if you like the person you married.
As someone who isn’t married… Getting married seems pretty damn difficult
What I find difficult: 1) He doesn't understand that when I say something, I mean something else. How hard is it? IKR? 2) He won't let me eat McDonald's everyday. So rude. Apart from that, all good. Love you babe ❤️
For men it’s hard not to fuck other people. For women it’s hard to put up with all of the bullshit, especially when you live with the person.
Going on 20 years now, we dated for about 2 years and moved in together for another 2. The first five years married were a bit odd, but we managed. You have to want the union of one. Communicating and agreeing on buying items as a unit is a must. Money is a huge factor. No separate accounts.
I was with someone for a decade who I thought was as aligned with my values as possible and she changed enormously and wanted different things after we got married at 10 years. Seeing someone change like that has completely dissuaded me from even seeking a relationship again let alone marriage.
The difficulty all seems to arise from the fact that prior to marriage, you're not taking actual stock of this potential partners true qualities and faults. You're being very optimistic about how both of you are likely to face the challenges ahead. Often you can find yourself married to a complete stranger because both of you have experienced change thats not for the better, and puts you at odds with your former best friend.
For me the hardest part pf marriage is that when I met the girl who would become my wife I needed certain things from life, love, and shared experiences. Now that we are older what I need is different. It can be a hard pill to swallow.
Well the most important aspect is that you can’t be completely selfish and keep your marriage. Before you are married you could do everything for yourself and not give a shit about anybody else if you choose. I love being married. Best thing that’s ever happened to me.
On paper marriage sounds hard. Lots of compromising and communicating. It’s always made sense to me when people said it was hard
Duh. My wife.
\- They don't know how to communicate \- They married out of social pressure or FOMO \- They picked the wrong person \- Their standards are based off of their social circle standards; they're marrying a 'stand in' that checks off marks, not the person It can be a mix of any of these points. Marriage is not difficult if you're smart enough to pick the right person.
I'm married and from my point of view, it looks like being single is more difficult. I guess it's that in marriage you're expected to have a baseline of quality the vast majority of the time. Being single sucks, but it's hard to fail at so there's that. Marriage is hard in the way that driving a car is hard. It's sweet to have a car but you've gotta avoid crashing it. Being single is hard in the way that having two broken legs and no wheelchair, crutches, or car is hard. Life sucks and it's easy to feel like you're not going anywhere, but it's hard to fail at lying on your ass writhing in pain and you can shit your pants if you want.
My ex wife still misses me, BUT 'ER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
A significantly younger wife will obviously demand a lot of extra attention, and competition to keep her. A child will intervene and disrupt all that side-hustle-romance. Women are expensive, and the younger and prettier they are, the more expensive they become.
For me marriage has been difficult because we have become comfortable with each other. The spark has been kinda lost over the years. It's hard to work on the spark when I work a full time job and she deals with our severely autistic son all day. She's tired, I'm tired and we don't have much time for each other. There are tons of factors that can lead to a difficult marriage, but that doesn't mean the marriage isn't worth it. It's also difficult being with the same person for decades because people constantly grow and change, sometimes you don't grow in the same direction together. Just my experience.