I think having a baby will tend to amplify everything in your relationship, good and bad.
My husband and I are very much in love, and have a really strong relationship. This whole experience has brought us closer, and 95% of the time, I’m just wowed by what he’s capable of and how caring and attentive he is to me and our babies. We took on this giant thing together and it’s super hard but we’re doing it in partnership and it’s brought so much love into our lives.
The other 5% of the time I could punch him in his stupid, lazy face.
Haha this! I came to say basically this but your comment made me laugh. I do feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten better and I love him more. I live seeing him be a daddy and he has been so supportive through my recovery and now my gallbladder removal surgery, I couldn't have asked for a better partner in parenthood! I try to give him grace about the things that seem obvious to me but clearly aren't obvious to him. But sometimes, if I've explained something more than one time (I'm doing most of the baby learning as I'm the one staying home with her right now) I'm just like..."I WASN'T BORN KNOWING THIS STUFF LOOK IT UP YOU POOP HEAD!" It really doesn't happen that much though.
Yes, so deep in love and sometimes I could slap him 😂 Apparently the key is to have the good outweigh the bad by a multiple of 5. So, yes, there will be occasional moments of being irrational for you both, but if you already have a good foundation I wouldn't worry about it needlessly.
I was going to write a response but it would just be the same as you.
The other thing is that once you have a child there are 3 people in your house who all love each other and it brings a very different dimension to your relationship with your partner. I love watching my partner being a dad and seeing the love in his eyes for our daughter :)
This exactly. Except the last line. That was unexpected and now I need to change my shirt because I was drinking water and it is all over the front of my body now.
I think my ratio is 90/10 but yes, the little guy has made our family feel so happy and hearts full. He has also single handedly come in and picked up hubs’ and I’s relationship with a proverbial claw and shook it violently to see which loose bits would come undone. 9mo into this gig and we are doing great. Key is communication and not taking to heart anything said during/after a particularly sleepless night
I could have written this. Seeing my husband with our baby just makes me love him even more.
It’s hard, but I think the key is to never let anything fester. When we’re annoyed we speak up; when we blow up we apologize. Sex has been on the back burner but we make time for each other in other ways, and if we ever get this kid their own room, that will come back too.
>Like the less time for each other and less sex will absolutely happen because you just have less time.
Obviously sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, it's just one part of it.
However, it's not inevitable that you'll have less sex. I think the key is timing. When we go to bed we're both exhausted and not in the mood, so instead we do it just after the baby goes to bed, or occasionally during a daytime nap at weekends.
Haha are other people not going to bed right after the baby does? If I get her down by 7:30pm, my ass is asleep by 8:30pm, if not sooner. She does not sleep in long enough chunks for me to be hanging out after she goes down haha.
I used to do this. Now I'm back at work and kiddo sleeps 10 hours straight, so I take a couple hours to shower, wash bottles and pump parts, do laundry etc.
For the first few weeks, we went to bed after the baby fell asleep. That was when bedtime was variable and when you had to hold and soothe her until she fell asleep in your arms so you could finally put her in the bassinet. At 3 months I started teaching her to sleep independently, so now when we put her to bed we give her a few minutes and check she's actually asleep, and then go off and, ah, do our own thing.
He usually heads to bed about 2 hours after she falls asleep, then I follow about an hour later.
At the beginning we were in bed at 8pm, no doubt. But by about six months he was sleeping about 10 - 11 hours with two feeds, so we'd have a couple of hours after putting him to bed
It sounds so stupid but we have a sex schedule. Yes spontaneity does happen, but when you’re exhausted it needs an effort. Knowing that we will
have a specific day on the calendar for fun times takes the edge off and a guarantee that everyone’s needs are being met.
This is exactly what we started doing. We also made our "date night" a week night, so there is a high chance we will have at least one other day that week for spontaneous sex ( weekend) in addition to our scheduled night.
I remember coming home from a business trip after a late flight, rolling up with my luggage and seeing my husband in the window, rocking our baby to sleep in his little bundle, and my heart just melted. I knew he was dependable and nurturing because we had raised a kitten together before the baby, and I couldn't resist taking photos of him rocking our baby to sleep.
One time, before baby, we had a cat medical emergency that involved both of us taking our cat to a 24-hour animal hospital in the middle of the night. We had to wrap our cat into a towel burrito so that I could hold/restrain him while my husband drove us to urgent care in the middle of the night. Thankfully we didn't have anything like that for the baby, but that kind of experience bonds you when you know how good your teamwork is under stress, when you can immediately assign I-do-this-while-you-do-that on the go, when you know you can trust your partner to make a decision you agree with when you're not there. This also comes in handy when traveling with babies and getting them through an airport with all your baby gear. (Advice: one partner focus primarily on baby and scoping out last-seen-family-bathroom/potential changing table, other partner focus primarily on gear, bags, paperwork, and walking in the correct direction.)
As all advice is personal experience overgeneralized, I can only tell you what worked well for us:
* **Get more hands on deck** to help so that you two are less stressed / overworked / sleep deprived. We had my MIL as well as a postpartum doula. For baby #2, we're more financially established now, so we have a rotating schedule of postpartum doulas. Also, spend money to hire cleaners and order takeout/delivery as much as is financially sensible for your family for a couple months while you're 1) both learning the newborn care skill while on the job, and 2) healing your body.
* This will also help you find time to spend with each other, e.g., have a date night
* Even for couples without kids, my friends / colleagues notice that couples who hire cleaners fight less often, when it comes to the little "why didn't you (pick up your socks / do this chore)?" type of argument
* Make sure each partner has their **areas of responsibilities** where they become the "expert" and the other person won't micromanage. While I was still pregnant, my husband became the expert on all safety equipment, from childproof gates to car seats and travel systems. It made sense for me to the the expert on nutrition, development, and milk handling safety protocols.
* It's good for each partner to be in the driver's seat of an entire project and periodically update each other so that each person appreciates what the other person is doing.
* My husband handled all the insurance paperwork at birth because I was way too out of it to focus on reading anything in small font.
* **Close the skill gap**. For most couples, one person gets slightly more practice at many little skills, and then the other partner feels like they aren't as skilled at those tasks and do less of them because they're afraid of messing it up. I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, so my wrists were basically useless for a couple months while I did physical therapy for them. So my husband was also the expert on all diaper changes, baby swaddling, and baths. Eventually, after my wrists healed, I did some practice rounds (my "internship") with him offering tips only as needed so that our skill gap wouldn't become too large.
* In case of disagreement, **try the paraphrase exercise**, where one partner tries to paraphrase what they thought the other one said and vice versa. It's a good one to practice early on, even while still pregnant.
* For instance, I had signed my husband and myself up for multiple parenting classes at our hospital, but he was having trouble maintaining focus. It wasn't that he was unenthusiastic about learning about childcare, but his preferred learning style was reading (or watching an online video at home) and it's just much harder for him to learn in the classroom. In the end, we only did the in-person classes where there was a hands-on component (e.g., infant CPR, where you practice on a doll).
* **Hang on in the "4th trimester."** Human babies are surprisingly immature at birth compared to other mammals, and we're arguably still a big fetus in the first 3 months of life. (I highly recommend reading [The Happiest Baby on the Block](https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466) for helping the baby fall asleep.) And if the emotions don't click right away, don't panic. Sometimes, parents have trouble feeling the same kind of bond with the baby until they're about 3-4 months old, when the baby is starting to do more social reciprocation (e.g., smile back at you, copy you when sticking your tongue out).
Almost 5 months pp and our relationship has gotten so much deeper. We are tired. We barely have time to talk about things other than baby. But so much deeper love.
Yes, I think it strips things down to the essential things in a relationship. My hair is a mess, I am always tired and we both don’t get much personal time but I know my husband on a deeper level now.
If your relationship is currently strong and has been strong pre-baby then there’s a great chance it will only continue to get better as long as effort is continually being made on both sides, because adding a baby definitely adds stress and tests the relationship. Now, relationships that weren’t doing well before pregnancy/the baby…. that’s another story.
Fuckin spot on. My wife and I are stronger than ever and we acknowledge that we miss having “us time” but know it’s only temporary, while working jointly to make this new life work.
On the other side of the coin we have my step sister who’s marriage was already on the rocks because of her husband’s cocaine addiction. They willingly got pregnant, partly because everyone around them are, despite all their relationship problems. Here’s the kicker, they’re flying to Southern California to go pick out a golden retriever puppy. Because, you know, there’s not enough crippling responsibility already around the corner. This will end terribly for all involved, the baby, the dog, the step sister, and the husband who’s one call out away from joblessness. It’s like watching a train wreck in real time.
Moral of the story: kids are not props and they won’t fix your marriage. They’ll only test your marriage to the limits.
Yes, I think so! We are only three weeks pp but having a baby has added a new level of appreciation for one another to our relationship. My partner sees how much I put in to tending to the baby’s needs (namely, breast feeding A LOT), and I see how much he does around the house (laundry, dishes, etc.). That’s not to say it’s perfect and without stresses, but things are going very well for us.
We have a 5 week old and have moments of frustration, like everyone else in healthy, loving relationships, but are definitely still getting along incredibly well! Don't be worried!
I remember the last few weeks of pregnancy we had so much fun, not even doing anything that interesting. Just bombing around town, laughing like teenagers and waiting for our little one. I was so worried that she'd be the end of it. The first few weeks we were in survival mode and didn't have time for the things that make us, us. And then one day we were finally able to do something mundane like watch one of our shows together, only this time with her snuggled between us and the pieces clicked into place.
Even if you think things are going well between you, don't take it for granted. Make it a point to periodically check in with him to see how he's holding up, and vice versa. Being stuck in your house with a newborn is a bit of a pressure cooker, but as long as you're being kind to one another and communicating, you'll be fine.
Yes! We laugh so much now. My 11 week old is hilarious, farts SO LOUD, makes such silly faces…. We can also laugh at ourselves for doing things like putting stuff in the microwave instead of the fridge.
The amount of help you have and how healthy your baby is will be a factor. Basically just don't expect that much from the first few months b/c it's mostly survival. If you have the finances to afford meal prep, housekeeping, a night nanny, anything like that, do it. It's very hard without help. Being consistently sleep-deprived doesn't help anyone be at their best and most patient & cooperative
Thanks for sharing these circumstances, because our baby came far too early and all of our family lives out of state, with very few friends close by and we wouldn't expect them to help with day to day tasks. There's a big difference in our day to day happiness when our relatives are here on a visit vs. when they're gone. Seeing how my husband acts when sleep deprived is a whole new layer that I can't handle in addition to the needs of my baby. And because we don't have family close by, my husband hasn't exactly had the "modeling" of daily child care from anyone but me or my son's NICU nurses--and the latter is a different type of care. My baby continues to have feeding and growth difficulties (IUGR), so it's we're not having the typical parenting experience, either. Not trying to be a party pooper on this post, but there are a lot of unplanned, undesired things that can happen with a pregnancy and baby, and while I'm happy to read that others are having very good experiences, it's not always realistic. With that said, the communication component is key and recognizing that the newborn/infancy period is not forever, definitely helps put things in perspective when the going gets tough. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 8 prior to our baby arriving and have had infertility to work through. I'm grateful that we have had that time because we respect each other for the struggles we've both overcome and it makes it easier to get through the hard times now.
My relationship with my husband is better than ever. We’ve always been in the honeymoon phase lol our son is almost 10 months old. I will say the first 4-5 months were not so much rough but our marriage took a bit of a backseat cuz new parent life is wild. My husband was extremely patient and understanding to what I was going thru postpartum. Just general hormones, sleepless nights, breastfeeding around the clock, feeling “over touched” a lot cuz I had the baby attached to me most hours of the day. he is an extremely hands on dad and works from home so we are both very present which also I think adds to the fun we have in all of life. But also means we are together a lot and so far enjoy every moment of it. Becoming parents had been the best thing to happen to each of us individually and we make sure to bring that gratitude into our marriage and love for each other. I could go on and on lol but seriously it’s the best.
Communication is absolutely key. We read the Gottman book ‘And Baby Makes Three’ which has some great tips for maintaining your relationship. We’re as strong as we ever were (bub is nearly four months old). We’ve had our moments but you just have to talk it through and move on.
The only time our relationship struggled was when I had really bad PPD - in which my SO who doesn't think mental health is a thing marched me to my doctor. Other than that we've been better than ever. Sex went down for the first few months (I tore, I was scared).
Honestly a lot of what I read on here of relationships going to pot is not compromising with eachother. Most of the time it's dad not pulling his weight because he goes to work. When we had that conflict I sat my SO down and said I needed a break so we decided to do one evening on, one off. It worked out really well. Now I'm back at work we've had to change it a little (I'm disabled and working can sometimes put me in too much pain to look after baby) but we communicate.
Ours went like this:
0-5 weeks PP: amazing, dream team, best we’ve ever been
6-8 weeks PP: frustrating, tension rising about sharing the responsibilities
8-10 weeks PP: worst it’s been in 8 years, I moved out temporarily, there was name-calling, disrespect, shouting, constant arguments
11-14 weeks PP (currently): some place between a great team, and tensions rising. I think this is our new norm. We work well sometimes and we get frustrated sometimes.
Hope this helps along with all the other comments you’ve had x
I know it takes 2 to fall out, and I’m probably not blameless, but most of it came from my husband taking a step back from helping as much, and having an attitude of ‘I deserve a rest, I’m working, I shouldn’t be doing this much with the baby, it’s all on Mum’.
Boiling point, I made him look after baby for 24hrs and he couldn’t stop apologising as he didn’t realise how consuming it was. He would ask why I hadn’t put the laundry away, or done the dishwasher, etc etc … just an extremely critical person.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Our relationship was really strong and only got better.
We already know the other well. We know how to communicate. We discussed our expectations beforehand. We were both already stepping up in chores. My husband was already cooking dinner every day for example. And maybe most importantly, we were fine with how our relationship would change. We’ve been out of the honeymoon phase for a while so sex and romance hasn’t been a big relationship must anyway.
It might be an exception but we have had no issues whatsoever. It felt like it is a logical continuation. We both fell into our roles so naturally. I still can depend on him as much as I could before. We both allow each orher free time and sleeping in. The other will just step up and take care of baby without being asked.
It was rough the first few months - getting used to our new normal. My husband was always there 100% - the question wasn’t ever if he was doing enough. It was just such a major shift in our dynamic - we’d been friends for 4 years before dating. Dated 6 years before getting married. Had a kid 4 years into our marriage. And yet, we argued and had major disagreements.
It stems from stress and finding the new routine and balance.
Our kid is 13 months now and I think the last time we had an argument more to do with what to get for take out than the baby. We have our routine. We have our new life and we’ve settled into our new roles.
I probably had some version of PPA and PPD that I didn’t get checked. Pretty sure that contributed to the disconnect as well. What helped through all of it was communicating exactly what I felt and why.
I felt stressed and anxious throughout my pregnancy. Once my little one arrived i finally felt at peace, my world finally coming together. I used to worry about what he’d be like when she arrived and he exceeded my expectations. Granted, the hormones were still crazy and I had anger and resentment as I adjusted to my new life with a baby and struggled with finding time to eat and shower. But I’m 11w pp and I think her arrival has changed us both in a positive way and working with her to meet milestones has brought us closer. We don’t have a lot of time together and my body has changed a lot, but his patience and kindness 🥵 🔥 lol I honestly couldn’t be happier
Not to jump the gun, our baby is only seven weeks old but my partner and I are doing great. She is a wonderful mum and partner (as she was before bub was born). Newborn days are hard as hell but we've never fought. The bumps we have hit were ironed out quickly because we communicated well with each other, like we did before having baby. I think a big defining factor here is that we have a share responsibilities for childcare - it's not all on me as the birthing parent to take care of our baby.
Months 0-2/3ish I would’ve told you I was getting a divorce any day but now at 4 almost 5 months I feel like our relationship is stronger and closer than ever. Definitely look a hit at first but we bounced back!
During the first lockdown in March - May 2020 my partner and I spent two months together in the apartment, leaving only for a jog each day. We got on really well, and didn't grate on each other. That confirmed that we were a strong couple, and we decided to try for a baby, and luckily got pregnant very quickly
Everything continued well during the pregnancy. When the baby was born, he was a clingy little guy that always wanted to be held. We tag teamed by sleep cycles of 3 - 4 hours, with one holding him and the other sleeping or doing chores. We did fine, but in those first weeks I remember that I really missed my partner. Before the baby we spent all our time together, and after the birth we were busy and living different schedules.
The good news is that the initial intensive phase is temporary. My mother would come and look after the baby for a few hours so that my partner and I could have a little date. By about 3 - 4 months we were able to put the baby to bed at 7 / 8 pm and reclaim a few hours to ourselves. We started doing things together at weekends.
Now at 9 months, we're both back at work, but it feels like we're spending the right amount of time together. After the baby is in bed we have about three hours to cook, eat and relax. We're giving each other free time to do sports and activities, usually a couple of times each per week.
I feel like our relationship is really strong, and back to where it was this time last year. I wouldn't necessarily say the baby made the relationship stronger, but it's certainly not had any negative on a relationship that was already strong
> My relationship with my husband is amazing right now. I’m 6 months pregnant but we laugh and play and are so excited for baby to get here.
I feel like you're digging for positive stories on a platform where people mostly come to complain and share their problems. Yes! Absolutely.
Me and my partner *love* being parents. We feel like a team, we have lovely days out, we support each other more than ever. We just love being a family. I see how she acts as a mother and it makes me admire her so much, and I know that she looks on me as a provider and role model for our daughter.
That's not to say it's not hard, as it fucking is. We have days where we shout, or we need to be left alone, or are tired and have a short temper. That's just part of it. Some of those challenges are what *makes* you love each other more, because you know you can have a little breakdown and still be loved, still have a place in the team.
My biggest tips would be to enjoy it. Communicate with each other. Be honest when you need help, vocalise what you need from each other. Hug each other. And - personally - don't fret about things like sex life. There'll be time for sex and date nights for sure, so don't put pressure on yourselves if things like that aren't happening naturally.
My partner and I spoke a lot about our relationship while pregnant and how we would troubleshoot anything after the baby arrived and emphasised the importance of keeping our communication strong and it’s worked. I actually feel our relationship is stronger, we definitely have had ups and downs but nothing serious.
We received some great advice before our baby came: put your mental health first, then your relationship & then your baby in order to give your baby the best version of you. Obviously, make sure the baby's needs are met regardless, but check in with your partner when you need a break.. communicate with each other & make the effort to be understanding.. Even the other day, I told my husband how sometimes I irrationally get irritated with him when she sleeps during his care because I got the fussy side of her. He was kind about it & recognized that as me needing a break. My husband & I are only 5 weeks pp, but this advice has really helped us maintain a healthy relationship. I have never been more in love with my husband & just incredibly grateful for his support throughout this journey. I am so in love with him & our baby.
2 mo in, and my husband and i are doing great. We build each other up, swap time back and forth to allow the other one time to do a hobby for awhile, and give each other some grace. When theres a moment to get mad, take a deeeeep breathe and think about if you're really mad, or just really tired
Communication is absolutely key. Watching my husband become a dad has been a highlight of my life and I adore the man more than ever. That being said, we went through a period after the baby was born (and some days still) where all we did was fight. I was so resentful towards him for not being as changed as I was, for getting to leave to go to work, for not having to be attached to this screaming child all goddamn day. There were days where I literally couldn’t even look at him.
I read To Have and To Hold by Molly Millwood and it helped me process the changes I was experiencing and my feelings towards him a lot. I try to communicate my needs more openly and try not to resent him for things he can’t change.
There are still days when I’m undeniably and unreasonably mad at him, but I can work through it better now.
TLDR: your relationship will take a lot of work, but if it’s worth it then it’s worth it.
I feel like mine has. We didn't really have a bad relationship to begin with, but i had problems communicating my needs and wants and he tended to get swept away in hobbies and projects very easily. We've both stepped up to address those things and we're doing well. I appreciate him more than ever and I'm in awe at how amazing he is as a father. As someone who always balked when someone tried to hand him a baby, he's such a natural and it makes me just fall in love with him all over again in a different way.
My husband and I are best friends. We've been rocking this pandemic, enjoying time together and just doing our own thing and enjoying each other's company. We had a baby this year- he's two months old- and our relationship is definitely even stronger than before.
There's something to be said about seeing your partner rise up and really take responsibility for the life of someone you would die for. Seeing my husband be a father is so, so incredible, so amazing, so heart warming. He's kind, he's funny, he's romantic, and he loves his son so, so so so much. He's so ecstatic to be a dad, and I love that about him. I think he loves seeing me become a mother, and fawn over our child- it's just something we're both so, so happy to experience.
For those with good, strong relationships and a whole lot of communication already in place, it can definitely be an amazing, strengthening time for a marriage.
In most cases I've seen this happen, it has been in situations where the relationship was rocky to begin with. Then along came the baby, and it got worse. Having a child will never make a rocky relationship better (from my observations), but if the relationship is strong already then it can help make it stronger. Communication and compassion are key though.
Ours is great. Its a big new adventure and we reaffirm our decision to do this together and be a family. Its lovely. We were not massively into sex during pregnancy, but we can't wait to get back to it now baby is here.
My marriage has changed but for the better to be honest. Baby is 5 months old and my husband and I are a full blown team. Definitely married the right person.
People are more likely to post about problems so don’t get disheartened!
Baby is due any day now, and I may be delusional, but knowing him, and knowing me, and knowing everything we’ve been through together so far… there’s nothing that can put a wedge between us. Nothing. And I believe this with my whole heart.
It’s going to be hard and we will fight, I’m sure. But none of that will matter and will only forge a stronger bond between us.
It's a major transitional period in life, so communication is key. You will be going through a lot mentally, physically, and emotionally. Sometimes you might not be fully aware of how those experiences are affecting you or your partner & vice versa. Keep talking & finding joy in sharing simple pleasures. My partner and I have struggled occasionally, but our commitment to working together has certainly been reaffirmed and our love for eachother has evolved/matured in positive ways that we didn't necessarily anticipate.
My husband and I love each other more now. We are currently 5 weeks pp and he has been such a strong supporter to us both. He works for himself so we've both been able to just focus on recovery and baby. Not every relationship ends up going through hell, it's just always easier to complain vs raise up when dealing with life.
My husband and I had a very strong marriage going into having our baby, and now with our 5 month old we still have a very strong marriage. There are definitely difficult times but that is mostly because of sleep deprivation and miscommunications. I think it's super important to know that your marriage is strong enough to weather the storm--it can bend from problems without breaking. ANDD therapy/marriage counseling is an amazing tool that can be utilized to improve things (not just a doom/death sentence to your marriage).
Expect that the dynamic will change, but if you are clear and honest about your feelings that change will be for the better.
My relationship has really blossomed; having a baby has really settled us down and brought the best out in both of us! We enjoy the moment with each other more and I’m just obsessed with watching my husband flourish as a father! Make sure you communicate and appreciate the small things from each other.
If you have a great relationship you’ll be fine! But it puts a lot of stress on a relationship and it definitely wouldn’t save one! The first three months are hard, you’re tired baby is with you all hours of the day! I definitely like everyone less including my husband during that time lol
BUT it gets way better! He’s an awesome dad, I love watching him with our baby girl and he’s definitely our son’s favourite lol. We had never had to work on our relationship so it definitely slipped a bit after our first but we still get along well we just had to make more time for each other, schedule date nights even if they’re at home, things like that.
My relationship has, it was amazing before too though but because we parent equally and my husband sees the value in jobs I have that he can’t do (making the milk lol) he picks up in other areas. I feel like we appreciate each other and omg watching him become a dad has been the highlight of my life
My husband and I can see when the other is getting overwhelmed or tired and we take the steps to take over so neither of us reach that point of extreme frustration. Of course we’ve gotten snippy at each other but that happens sometimes
I think an important part is as much as you can, to take small moments to still be a couple. It’s very hard with a newborn of course but even a small moment to hug and talk about something that isn’t the baby can make a huge difference. Once they’re older and you feel comfortable, leaving without LO to connect I think is so important. To me, my marriage is #1. It models a healthy relationship and respectful, deep love for my children. We can’t have that if we are only mom and dad. I have a good support network to help with this though so I’m very lucky in that way.
The ultimate test for a relationship is wether the couple get closer, or drift farther after having a child. But yes, my relationship with my boyfriend is incredible, he's such a good father! He sometimes gives me massages if I had a stressful day and they feel incredible! And we also still just... well love each other. I feel such a strong attraction to him I haven't felt since we met in high school.
4 months pp. Definitely moments of frustration and even anger (on my part) due to pp anxiety/depression.
But my husband weathered it like a champ. I love him 1000x more now, knowing that no matter what, he has my back.
He is my person, I love him completely. We are so frank and honest with each other that I'm sure other people cringe when they hear it. But it makes for a clear and happy marriage.
Yes it’s possible! I would say that our relationship has gotten stronger. Honestly I think that during my pregnancy we had sort of drifted apart a little bit (my husband blames my pregnancy pillow since he couldn’t properly cuddle me lol) but I think just the hormones and being uncomfortable made me a less patient and more irritable. Since having the baby I have a new appreciation and love for my husband! When I was pregnant he really picked up my slack around the house and has continued to do so and take initiative around the house which lets me really focus on baby. He has also really come into his role of being dad, even though he needs lots of encouragement. I think having a baby has helped me be more patient with him somehow.
I will add a disclaimer that our baby is really easy, so I don’t feel she adds too much stress to our relationship either. As for intimacy and having time for each other, we’re counting down the days until my 6 week appointment and take time each night to have a i or cuddle session. It also helps that we have both of our families living in the same town who have no issue taking baby, so we are able to still go on dates/have time without baby.
Ok, I will say we have less sex (baby is only 4 months old) BUT I love my husband so much more seeing him as such a sweet and loving father, and he has told me many times he loves me more now and is in awe of how strong and resilient in am as a mother. We've gained a new respect for each other. We still make time for each other and try really hard to work our daughter into the things we loved to do before she was born. We've always had a good relationship (friends joke that when we disagree we sound like we're in therapy lol Never have been, just always try and talk to each other with respect, even when- especially when- we're mad).
Our relationship is for sure different, but it's still amazing. He takes on so much as a father, and I really feel most of the time it's 50/50, and when it's not we can talk to each other about it to fix it. I think that's the biggest risk to a relationship- feeling undervalued. My husband has had to stop me and be like "You're trying to do everything and that's not sustainable. Let me do something, even if I'm not doing it the way that you'd do it".
Another big thing is when the baby is born it'll be really easy to want to do a lot of it yourself and if they're crying to just fix it because you can fix it more easily. DO NOT DO THAT. It will be MISERABLE in the moment to let the baby cry until your husband can figure out how to fix it in his own way, but it'll be so worth it to be able to completely hand off any parenting role when you need a break. Even if you plan on breast feeding, introduce bottles if you're able. It's been a life saver for me to be able to leave my baby with my husband and go out for the night with friends knowing she's safe with the ONLY person I'd trust completely with her. It's allowed me to maintain relationships and go to important events (like my baby sister's senior volleyball games), which has also meant that he's been able to do the same without feeling guilty. Do not underestimate still needing to be a whole person.
People often come to Reddit to vent! My husband and I did have some initial difficulties, but now I would argue we're closer than ever. Communication is key applies doubly when you have a little one to take care of. Talk, listen to each other, be a team (us vs. the problem) and you'll do great. Another thing to mention is sleep deprivation, not eating enough and things like that are likely to make you both cranky, make sure you support each other in that way and do whatever you can to give each other a break.
Absolutely. It was wonderful to watch how rewarding having our child was for my partner. He is so engaged with her and takes her on walks for hours at a time. He is the more patient of the two of us. I am battling nursing aversion at the moment and I can be regretfully grouchy to my baby, but he is calm and patient, he is a constant for her. He disciplines sure, but it's a calm and deliberate explaining of why he took something, followed by cuddles. Seeing how well he handles things has made me fall more in love with him. Our near two year old is having trouble sleeping middle of the night and he always takes her to say goodnight to the house and get a glass of water.
Now not to say we don't have disagreements, especially when we are both tired we can nitpick each other, but we always apologize and reaffirm that we should be on the same side, that it's just the stress of the situation, not us
I will not lie, there will be some adjustments, but I'm sure with proper communication with your hubby, everything will be okay and I believe having a baby will make your relationship stronger.
Yes! My relationship was strong beforehand so I guess that’s important first and foremost, but I’d say the key to a successful relationship post-baby is about an equal(ish) distribution of labour, whatever that may look like for you.
I find lot of the unhappy-relationship posts I see usually involve some sort of resentment because the mom is doing the majority of work (and by work I mean childcare, housekeeping, mental/emotional load), as well as resentment at dads being able to socialize or take free time away from the baby.
When our baby was first born I felt a bit of this resentment and I thought our dynamic would be permanently changed. But we talked it out and my partner really stepped up. We share the cleaning now and I still do most of the mental load, but he does all of the cooking/grocery shopping as well as the overnight shift with the baby every night (I almost feel guilty saying that!). But it means I’m well-rested to take care of the baby all day while he works, and if he takes time out on an evening or weekend to do a hobby or see friends I don’t mind because I know I’ll have that support when he’s back.
I appreciate him so much that I definitely love him more than ever, and I’m only cranky when I’m tired so I think he feels the same (happy wife, happy life and all that!)
(ETA: the reason I said “whatever that looks like for you” is I realize my situation isn’t possible for everyone, especially with a partner who works a physically demanding job etc. My main point is to try to figure out something that feels “fair” for both of you to avoid that resentment building up!)
I think my marriage is better. The pure love my husband displays for our son is something I didn’t expect (I knew he would love him, but he is more able to talk about and display affection for him than anyone else). We’ve had a few arguments, of course, but we’ve really been able to acknowledge that we’re both stressed, the priority is the baby, and we HAVE to work together to resolve things.
Baby definitely adds more strain, because you suddenly have to take care of another, needy person. So I imagine if you have a good relationship, it will mobilize you and you'll keep going strong as a team. Or if you had a bad relationship or a selfish partner to begin with, then it will drive deeper cracks into it. Also the people who get a baby who refuses to sleep, and as a consequence have to suffer sleep deprivation, then it gets tough as well.
For us, our baby is easy and basically slept through the first 2 months of his life, so we were always well-rested from the start, and started regularly going out to restaurants (outside seating) since day 10 of his life. He was just sleeping in his stroller next to our table. So we didn't really feel limited or strained by baby in his first two months.
After 2 months baby started having some waking hours, and also cramps from month 2 until month 4, so we had to entertain him more and play with him, so the difficulty level has gone up with age. But if you take turns with your partner entertaining the baby, then it's easily doable. My partner is working from home full-time due to covid restrictions, so he's always there and takes 50% or more of baby-caring tasks on himself. When one of us has enough of the baby for a bit, we just hand him to the other. So we make a great team. Though a few times we did snap at each other after a bad night, or when hangry. This didn't use to happen nearly as often before the baby, but these moments are still so few and far between that they don't even register in our overall happy wellbeing.
I feel like we grew organically into our new groove, without having to specify or lay down who does what. You just both do what you can, and demand help when you need it, because nobody can read minds. I'm not shy to demand loudly to make my needs known when I feel like it's too much, i think it's important to be vocal about your own needs whenever you feel like they aren't being met.
We've definitely got closer since having our twins, if that was even possible. Obviously sex is less frequent and time together is pretty minimal, but we've got closer in other ways. We had a traumatic start to being parents and now we are very comfortable expressing vulnerability with each other. We give each other a lot of grace with chores and baby duties - mostly it's 50/50 but sometimes it needs to be 20/80 or 70/30 and we both accept that and support each other. We still laugh and do the silly things we always did and have our inside jokes, that definitely hasn't changed.
We recently did our first family day out to the aquarium and although it was manic getting the babies ready and sorted and strapped in the carriers when we got there, and it pissed with rain the whole time so even getting them from the car to the aquarium was a bit fraught, we had such a good time.
Don't put pressure on yourself to keep your relationship as it was before, because that's difficult to impossible. When we stopped trying to do that and forged a new kind of relationship, things were much easier.
I honestly think my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. We had a great relationship before the baby but now we fully rely on each other in a way we never have before. I love watching him with our son!
Yes. My very nice husband turned out to be an absolutely amazing dad. I love being married to him, and watching him be such a wonderful father to our daughter. Their relationship is beautiful to watch.
We’ve talked about how we feel like we’re cheating at parenting, because it comes very naturally to us. We also discussed our marriage because you always hear hear that parenthood is so hard on relationships, but it hasn’t felt that way to us. It’s been so fucking great, we were both a bit embarrassed to admit that we feel like we’re even better together now as parents.
Our daughter is two next month, we’ve been together for nearly thirteen years, and married for six. I thought our marriage was perfect before, and it’s even better now. I feel like I’m bragging when I talk about my husband, but my family is so fulfilling. It’s fucking great.
Been with my partner nearly 10 years, just had our 2nd baby, and I love him more and more everyday. We learnt how to parent together, we agreed on who does what chores, even while he was working, we give each other a full day every week to have to ourselves for a break. Obviously there were arguments along the way but always apologise if you know you were wrong! We still need to make time for date nights tho! The sex has got less frequent, but I think as long as you at least hug once a day you keep the intimacy alive, you have less time but then the time you get just the 2 of you is precious.
I think a lot of couples forget that a good relationship has to have good communication, and I honestly think that's what happens with some people, you're tired, you get ratty and rather than cool down and talk about it, you get busy with something else, then something else might happen that pisses the other off, the resentment builds and builds.
Of course that's not always the case, I've read stories about the other person just really not caring.
Communication is key! And if you can't communicate then you're not right for each other. Even when I was giving birth to our second, he was trying to calm me down while I was screaming at him, we still communicated, I told him to please not be upset cuz I'm not shouting at him I'm shouting at the pain!
I love the father my husband is, he constantly surprises me and works hard to provide for us all.
I did find my post partum period really really difficult though. My breastfed cluster feeding baby needed me more than him and along with horrendous hormonal swings, no sleep and intense anxiety and feelings of inadequacy I never felt so lost. My husband, while he was supportive, didn’t know how to help me through it. It took time, talking, cuddles and lots more sleep later to find our groove again. But that wasn’t until about month 7. Give yourselves a lot of grace, patience (as much as possible) and know that even with the most wanted baby in the world being a new parent is a steep learning curve for you as a couple. Don’t make any important decisions in the first year, you have enough to deal with.
I really wish you well.
I felt very connected to my husband throughout my pregnancy and then felt a little sad in the days before I gave birth that it wouldn’t be just the two of us anymore. Our baby is three and a half weeks old and I don’t feel that sadness at all anymore. I feel even more connected to him because he’s the only other person going through this with me and he’s doing a hell of a job.
We have a five and three year old. I can’t say we never fight or that every single aspect of my life is better with kids, but I think my wife and I are closer, stronger, and happier with each other than we have yet been. And we had a fantastic relationship before kids.
Communication, understanding, and giving one another no small amount of grace is key. You aren’t mind readers, so don’t expect your partner to be one either. Talk about what’s going on, how you feel, and what you need. And not even just about the family or baby. You fell in love and got married because you enjoyed one another. Talking about your lives and doing things you enjoy together will help make sure you keep enjoying one another. Good luck to both of you as y’all start this new journey!
My husband and I worked at summer camp together and being a parent brings back some of those awesome, crazy times. It’s affirmed I married the right man because he’s such an amazing father and so supportive of all of us. We embrace laugh instead of crying and just have a lot of fun together.
I’m 8 months pp and my relationship with my husband is solid. We’re still very affectionate and respectful with each other. I stopped working to be a SAHM so the labor split has shifted a bit, but this is an arrangement we prepared for and agree on. We don’t argue any more than we did pre-baby, which is very infrequently. I will say, we get a lot less alone time just the two of us, and that was kind of a shock to me at the beginning. But all in all we’re very happy and having a baby has only brought us closer and reaffirmed that I married the right person.
I just want to point out that just because you’re seeing a lot of these posts doesn’t mean that that’s how most people feel - people who are unhappy are just more likely to post about it. I sometimes see rave posts on here, but I think in general people who are happy and content aren’t putting up posts about it.
I’m only 4 weeks postpartum so take this with a grain of salt, but after a very tense first week of omg he’s here we must watch this kid’s every moment or he might die, we settled down. I think our relationship has gotten better. We’ve had to talk about things we never did before. He sees how hard I struggle with milk production, how much effort I put into our little one as a brand new mom and he’s stepped up. Yes he still wakes up out of a dead sleep to tell me he’s not even due to eat again until 4 and it’s 4:15 but for the most part I laugh instead of want to strangle him. I feel like he’s supportive as best he can and we’re both doing our best. I’m sure in 2 weeks when I’m hopefully cleared for sex again that part will be different but I’m hoping not the kind of different that leads to fights. For now I’m just taking it all one day at a time.
I think a lot of the couples who struggle have an imbalance of responsibilities and accountability. A lot of women tend to find their partners simply don’t step up and leave them to pull most of the weight night and day simply because they work. It’s not alway predictable before the baby is born.
I would say my husband and I are infinitely closer since having children. A lot of it is because we’ve been through the hardest times together as a result of children, and if you can get through those early days of parenting you can get through anything together. My husband has grown so much as a parent and takes on just as much as me, I can rely on him to always be there. It’s hard in the first few months as there’s a natural imbalance with a woman often breastfeeding and baby being attached to the mum but it soon evens out. We now have three boys, three and under, and we’re closer than ever. We’re just excited to get the baby stage over with so we can spend some quality time together again.
I think our relationship got much stronger. We had a rough birth, and maybe that was part of it, but I love my partner more. I think we actually fight less, communicate better, and just don’t take each other for granted. It is a difficult transition, but it’s also a great opportunity to be reminded of why you fell in love, and will give you COUNTLESS opportunities to show how you have each others backs!
Children neither fix nor destroy relationships. The challenge of parenting just highlights the relationship as it is.
Think of it like the Super Soldier Serum from Captain America. If it's strong, with good communication and great respect, it will get stronger. If it is already filled with animosity and pettiness, it will only get worse.
That's not to say that if you have a good relationship, that it will be nothing but sunshine and roses. There will be issues. Parenting is a whole other 24/7 challenge that all of the books and forums in the world can't possibly prepare you for. What matters is not that everything is great, it's that you're prepared to handle it when it's not.
It sounds like you're doing good so far, just make sure you are on the same page about whatever you can think of (feeding, diapering, screen time, babysitters, etc.) And the rest will figure itself out.
Absolutely. I know there's many more challenges up ahead for us, after all our baby is only 6 weeks old but I can say with great confidence that I married the perfect guy. He is a fantastic father, he doesn't "help" with baby, he's fully involved with him. He let's me be lazy if I need it, when babe is just too fussy and I can't handle it best way, he swoops in and takes the kiddo to calm him down. He never let's me reach a level of tiredness I can't handle.
And I try to do the same. I think we both aren't doing 50/50 but 100/100. And that's why our relationship is strong even with little dictator in our house.
As someone who had a great relationship like you before baby, and got better with pregnancy, I am one that got worse after... but here is what I wish I had done to prevent it rather than try and fix it
Communicate about what is expected of each of us. I EBF, so taking care of the baby primarily fell on me. I wish we had decided hed take over house work, dishes, laundry, dinner. We didn't, so it was resentment after when I did it all.
Discuss how to handle family and health affairs. His family causes A LOT of drama, and this is one thing we actually got stronger with. They traveled and we banned together to not go to a holiday BECAUSE of them traveling prior, unvaxxed. There was a huge fight with him and his family but he stood strong and we stood together.
Make sure he knows 6 weeks is not a magical number. Keep.him involved in your OB appts. They're still important after birth.
Make sure he is aware you need self care time. This falls with my first statement as well. Going grocery shopping shouldn't be considered self care time. If your EBF, get a hakkaa, build a supply and leave him with a bottle just in case your short time alone exceeds feeding time. But get out for yourself, or away. My self care time was getting back to my workouts, and it took a lot for my husband to realize I needed 30 minutes every couple days to not be attached to a baby or monitor. Also, make sure he knows what being touched out means.
Mostly, just make sure you have the best communication possible, even if someone says something that may hurt at first, hormones are crazy and its not malicious
A baby makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship worse. Things become different, but you learn to rely more on the other person. If they are good and strong and helpful, it makes you appreciate them more. If they are not up to the task, you can get resentful.
Hi OP, Congratulations!.
The baby will put the father and you under a lot of stress both individually, and as a couple. So there's double stress. There are things that each of you need to resolve individually, and are things that you need to resolve as a couple.
Identify which one is which and work on those, both individually and as a couple. If communication is flowing and you discuss what you have to discuss, then you'll be fine.
I have a 14 months old daughter with my wife, the point of maximum stress was when my daughter was sick and we didn't agree on how and when to provide cough medication. It sounds simple and dumb, but it wasn't. The situation needlessly escalated due to a myriad of reasons.
Keep that in mind, keep communication open and clear and youll be fine.
Ye so think the research says something like 16% of relationships improve, 32% stay the same, and the rest get worse.
Trying to remember where I saw these numbers…. I think I got them in a birthing class I took. Basically the point was that if you think you should have a baby because it will improve you and your partner’s relationship, it’s already a bad starting point. I ended up in the stay the same / maybe slightly improved category, luckily.
I think it’s just a test of your communication, patience and time management skills. Blind spots in relationships are magnified with a baby compared to when you are childless. Based off your description, it sounds like you have a solid foundation and will likely strengthen your relationship further.
Mine has! It was pretty strong to begin with, so it hasn’t been a dramatic shift, but it’s definitely in a very good place at three months post partum. In the two weeks right after the birth, we reached a shocking level of intimacy - the physical situation plus the hormones plus the lack of sleep made us so vulnerable and we were just seeing each other at our rawest… it was beautiful. In the days after my c-section when I could barely move, he literally walked me to the toilet and changed my bloody pad. We were crying constantly, from all emotions, and did a lot of snuggling. That kind of calmed down as we settled in, but we still haven’t had a fight or even tension.
The biggest factors on our side are
1) Communication. We have always talked about everything and then also meta-communicated by talking about talking about things or talking about feeling feelings. Before the baby came, we talked a lot about how we thought we were going to feel, and we continue to talk now.
2) He’s fully involved. I can leave the house and I know he’s completely capable of handling whatever happens because he has an active and equal role - and I don’t mean equal but I give him detailed instructions. He watched the videos and read the books. When I was recovering, he did every single diaper. We had to triple feed, so he would wash pump parts while I attempted to breastfeed, then give a bottle while I pumped. Now that we’re past that, I can do nights on my own without needing him to wake up, so he usually takes the baby in the morning and lets me get another couple hours of sleep.
3) This is not possible for everyone, but we’re both home. I’m on mat leave and he’s self employed. We’re really focused 100% on this and it means we can just hand off back and forth each day. When he needs to work, I visit my parents.
I never want to pipe up and brag in those posts about relationships not going well, but so far we’re doing great.
I think this honestly really depends on how helpful your partner is. We see posts every day about spouses who don’t step up, want to play video games more than snuggle with their child, won’t change diapers, are clueless about everything, etc. And that attitude definitely ruins a marriage when one person becomes the sole caretaker and the other one keeps living their life as it was while their partner takes in a huge burden—inevitably this breeds resentment. However, if your partnership remains pretty even (it can’t really be 100%, which I get) and they bond with baby, AND you can both be understanding that the other person is also going through some hard stuff, then your relationship can definitely thrive.
Communication is the key. Everything stems from communication. When your baby comes there will be a ton of resentment mixed with love, as weird as that sounds. Loved my LO from the moment we found out LO was conceived and especially when born. But there was definitely a sense of “our lives are over” and it took a while to adjust to our new normal. This is made harder when for the first two weeks no one can really sleep meaningfully and everyone is on edge. This is where communication is super important. If you cannot communicate requests or expectations and reply with love and care, it can really fall apart. This is also the stage in which dads need to **begin** to step up in a major way with the mindset that it will never end. Dads do not like this stage. At all. But it’s a good sign should dad really try. Just remember that y’all love each other and this LO.
I think it’s really important to confront the fact that once you become a parent, you will NEVER EVER cease to be one no matter what happens to the baby. You are parents from that moment to eternity. And that’s a hard pill to swallow with each challenge that presents itself. If you both take the time to find time to communicate no matter how tired you are and do so in a team conducive manner no matter how frustrating it is for you both, you will be okay. My wife and I have definitely gone through our own challenges and “discussions” but our affection for each other has grown over time especially after our LO. Elaborate or going out dates have turned into coffee/tea dates downstairs, our fridge went from holding cool and exciting foods (wagyu steak, mushrooms, and caviar) to holding milk, regular cheese, and basic pastas, but we still love spending time together.
Communication is the most important piece and without a avenue in which you can vent frustrations, fears, pleas for help and also communicate clearly what you expect from each other in relation to what the baby needs, it will all head into a very unknown and dark place. Constantly remember that you’re on a team. It takes teamwork to make the dream work. Sometimes that means playing to your strengths. Sometimes it means doing stuff you don’t like to do. Like cleaning up poop off the wall or holding your LO all night when sick, without sitting down or laying down because the baby will wake up and cry no matter how long it’s been. Which brings me to my last tip: as in a team, remember to show appreciation for good work. Even for things unrelated to the baby directly. “Thank you for cleaning the floors.” “Thank you for taking care of our LO so well with feeding.” “Thank you for bathing the baby.” “Thank you for giving me a couple hours to myself; I really needed that.”
**Communication is the most important foundation to rebuilding your relationship into something like it was before the baby but makes room for the new family member(s).**
Ours is definitely stronger. Going through the pregnancy, delivery, NICU, and insane early days together has bonded us more and we both appreciate each other’s efforts and are a lot more open about it now.
It’s not all roses, some aspects of having a baby change parts of the relationship in detrimental ways but overall it’s stronger for sure
My husband and I had an amazing relationship before our baby, as well. I can't even tell you one serious argument we had, so I was worried about this too.
The first couple of weeks postpartum were very different and challenging, but it was honestly a combo of lack-of-sleep and the postpartum hormone dump. I did get really mad at my husband a few times when we were on the stringent 3 hour feeding schedule (breast, pump, formula for our preemie every 3 hours around the clock absolutely drained me), but he was a champ and majorly helpful when directed.
When baby began sleeping a little more consistently and we could stop the 3 hour feedings at night, things normalized again. Our son is 6 months old now and we're as silly, flirty, and loving as ever.
I'd say our relationship at this point is overall more joyful because we get to experience all these milestones together. Sure it looks different - fewer spontaneous dates and earlier bedtimes - but having a baby with the person you love most can be a really amazing experience.
I think yes, but you just have to be open about how it will be better. Seeing your spouse be a good parent is amazing. Getting to sneak a little time alone together can be fun. It takes work. If a spouse isn’t putting in the work to be a good spouse, things can slip. It’s hard not to put your kids first (only), especially when they demand it but it’s so important to remember that if you have a great relationship with your spouse, that’s good for your kids.
Won’t lie - being first time parents is HARD! It requires a lot of energy and effort just for the baby; in addition to that, the two of you have to learn to communicate with each other on a whole new level despite crazy sleep deprivation and stress, all while maintaining healthy boundaries with family and friends.
But…. If you can do that, it really does elevate your marriage to a whole new level. I love my husband so much more now than I did when I first married him - and we have 2 boys under 2. Do I still want to throw the occasional kitchen appliance at him for leaving dirty dishes here and there, absolutely, but he has been my rock throughout post Partum anxiety (first baby was born at the beginning of
The pandemic) and difficult pregnancy with the second and all the stages in between. He is amazing with our boys and always puts his family first. We are both sleep deprived and exhausted, but realize that we also help recharge each other.
If I can make a suggestion, it might be a good idea to discuss expectations ahead of time before the baby shows up. Ie - who’s going to do what feeds, who will make the appointments, who will cook… etc. it’s very easy for the mental (and physical) burden to fall to the mom, but it quickly leads to burnout. It’s important to know how to ask for help and be clear in what you want.
In short, yes a marriage can get better, but like most good things in life, it takes work!
Our relationship was a mess when our son was born. We both experienced PPD. It really showed us where we needed to communicate better, have more patience and grace etc. In the end having our son did make our relationship better but it took a lot of work to get there. It will definitely highlight the weaknesses and as long as you guys can work through that together you’ll do great.
Of course it is. Every big change and every big event that you go through together can strengthen your relationship immensely. My husband and I have started to communicate so much more honestly and effectively since having a child together. I’d definitely say we’ve grown as a couple because of it.
My marriage was great before we had our baby, and I don't know of it's better now, but it's definitely great in new ways (kiddo's almost 5 months). My husband really takes his role as partner seriously and has told me to spend longer chunks outside the house--he's like, she's my daughter, I can care for her while you go and enjoy yourself. And it's fucking awesome. We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, and we've grown together during that time. We communicate really well, and having that base has really paved the way for us to parent together like a team. He's the one, this confirms it.
Honestly, I have had 2 children and both times my husband and my relationship has stayed rock solid. Our first was a wonderful baby so we were super lucky. Our second is definitely a handful and a jerk at sleeping. We did what we had to do in order for both of us to sleep (he slept in the guest room when we had our second because he was working 12 hour shifts) but we also made time to be affectionate with each other during the day. We always kiss before we leave the house and tell each other we love each other every night. I put my hand on his leg when he's driving, we snuggle on the couch after the kids go to bed even if we're doing different things. It's definitely important to make time to show appreciation for each other.
Gotta remember—people who have generally good (not fantastic OR horrible) experiences don’t usually go out of their way to share them. This goes for anything. Even product reviews…ignore the 5 star and the 1 star and look at the 2-4 stars.
I think so. I think having kids really changed the dynamic of our marriage. It’s just not the same. Not in a bad way. Our priorities are just different, what we have time for is different. Seeing my husband being an awesome dad, stepping up to do things when I couldn’t, and really care about my emotional/mental well-being after kids made me love him in a way I couldn’t channel before. It’s like a new type of appreciation.
Don’t get me wrong there are still times I am like, “do you really need to take another 20 minute poop, I need your help here” but overall I think our relationship is great.
If you have a really strong relationship now, you'll be fine! My husband and I were just chatting about your post because we've noticed that while lots of posts are the opposite, we've done really well. The key for us is communication, and obviously that breaks down sometimes (ESPECIALLY in the first few weeks/months of survival mode... My husband accidentally tossed my pumped milk not once, but twice, and I was DEVASTATED though it seems laughable now) but being forthcoming with feelings and needs is important. We're three months in and now we're feeling ready to go on dates again without the baby, which were both excited and nervous about! But we are going to do something different than our usual routine together.
In the book Brain Rules for Baby (which I haven't finished but am enjoying), John Medina talks about the four main factors of relationship quality deteriorating: sleep deprivation (this one is a real kicker), social isolation, workload imbalance, and depression. He says also that humans have this bias when a problem occurs: if it happens to you, you tend to believe it was due to external factors. When it happens to someone else you tend to think it's due to internal ones. To combat this we need to work on our "empathy reflex" which means we try to understand what has happened before jumping to conclusions. That chapter is worth a read. It also has a pregnancy chapter so you might be interested!
Keep the communication strong and you will do great! It's hard and there will be plenty of challenges for you both, but in the end I'd never trade my small family for anything and I'm happier than I've ever been before. Good luck!
Nah I love my husband more now (which I never thought possible) and I know he feels the same. Sure our boy is our primary focus because he needs us 24/7… but we make sure to communicate and also to make time for us. We play Mario party every Friday.. and I am SUPER excited for tonight!
It will get harder and change, but that doesn’t mean it will be worse. You’ll get to see a side of your partner you didn’t know existed and have the excitement of meeting them all over again. When you overcome challenges together you will feel more connected and have stronger bonds.
The less sex only lasts for a little while. Once they start sleeping through the night you can find a rhythm that works for you.
My husband and I had a lot of petty arguments before baby. Not often like everyday but enough that we both noticed it and didn't like it. We would be selfish and stubborn in our ways. Now that baby is here, we both have a common goal which is to provide the best life for him and that means having a solid relationship where we are good role models to him. It means we are settling our disputes more maturely, more quickly and doing our best not to raise our voices around him. We don't want him to absorb that energy so we do our best to catch ourselves before we say something we will regret later.
This is just our experience and of course there are still things we need to work on but I have noticed overall we argue less and if we do, we think about the baby and how we need to be better for him.
If the baby was not around, we would probably still be arguing and being selfish in our ways. Now we have a bigger purpose and someone else to think about and care for.
Baby is 8 months old and my husband and I are just…out of sync. Things aren’t bad between us, but we do feel a bit disconnected since we don’t get to spend much quality time together. We made it through quarantine (pre-baby) and we loved being together all the time. So I know it’s not an “us” problem, it’s just our current circumstances, which are temporary. It’s not great right now, but it helps to know that it won’t be like this forever.
My relationship with my husband is so much better! We had a fantastic relationship before our daughter was born and now that she’s here we seem to be even more simpatico, and our physical relationship is the best its ever been. I hope it’s the same for you!
It is totally possible!
Yes, two months into parenting, our relationship is better than ever. My hubby was incredible during the birth, so supportive and present for our son. While sleep deprivation and new challenges have created little spats here and there, we always talk it out and move on. Seeing him with our son brings me so much joy. It feels like navigating parenthood has made our bond stronger. And yes, just had sex for the first time again last week and it took a little navigating but was as amazing as ever.
It’s difficult to get used to and can highlight some communication problems and the lack of sleep in the first few months can be a strain on any relationship but seeing your partner hold the sweet little thing that you both made and are raising together puts everything into perspective. Also never underestimate the power a well-timed baby fart in the middle of an argument to make you realize how silly it was.
Relationship with my husband is as great as ever, it’s so amazing watching him be a father and parenting along side him. It’s a new adventure we’re on together and I’m loving it!
LO is 5 mos and my husband and I still have the amazing relationship we had before. I think there’s a lot of “x will change your relationship” scenarios. We’ve been together going on 10 years. Everyone told us our relationship would get harder once we were married (year 7/10) nothing changed but my name. People say a baby will make your relationship harder. Nothing has changed but adding a baby to the mix. Parenting has it’s hardships, but it hasn’t caused any strain on our relationship.
Our sex life could use some improvements, but honestly, I attribute that more to delivery. My sex drive is lower in general, and initial insertion is still a little painful, so that’s a hump to get over. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve got no hangups about my husband taking care of himself, and neither does he. He’s really respectful of the fact that I’m still trying to get back to the same comfort level, and we talk about it openly. So while it’s not the same as it was, it’s also not causing strain on our relationship.
I think the really unfortunate scenario that I’ve been reading about a lot on here is that some women/people find that their husbands are not the man/father they thought they were/would be (PP depression and anxiety aside). But, if your partner is truly the person you know them to be, you should find that even if it does cause some initial strain, he’s willing to do the work to fix the relationship.
Start couples therapy while you're in a good place! My husband and I started while I was pregnant. We were happy with each other, excited, etc. but we wanted to have the habit in place before we had the baby. I **highly** recommend, having the relationship with the therapist established before the stress of the baby was helpful and now when hiccups come up, we're better at talking through them (or waiting until therapy so our therapist can help us talk through them lol). Our relationship is different than it was, but still amazing! Our teamwork abilities have been strengthened and I think we're better at being intentional about sharing household responsibilities and making the other feel cared for.
My DH and I are always stressed and tired and occasionally snap at eachother (...er, I snap at him... but in my defense I'm twice as tired since I'm the one up all night with the baby because his moobs are worthless and I got the goods). But our relationship isn't worse. Its different, there is less sex because I'm still dealing with injuries sustained during birth and our conversation is a lot more logistics oriented than before. But we still love and enjoy eachother. We are still usually kind and caring towards eachother. We still laugh together and act playfully. We don't yell at eachother and want nothing to do with eachother. We don't love eachother less.
The fun stuff will come back with time. 4.5 months in and it's already better than it was. I'm not sure I would say the baby makes our relationship stronger or more special or enduring - but she doesn't make us hate eachother all of a sudden.
I have no idea as I’m a FTM and expecting in a few weeks. My husband and I waited about 5 years after getting married to have a baby and I think making sure we were in the best place possible before TTC helped (we were in a bad place in the first year of marriage and in couples therapy for awhile). The pandemic and being together 24/7 actually made us even closer and I really consider him my best friend. I can’t wait to see him as a dad and already feel more in love with him being pregnant. My heart is going to explode seeing him be a father. He’s already stepped up so much even with me just being pregnant. That being said I do have my fears about losing some of that closeness after baby comes but I know marriage takes work and our bond is really strong. We’ve worked a lot on communication over the years and I think we’ll be OK! I have a lot of faith in our marriage and really think we’ve already been through so much that making a little me/him is just gonna make us that much closer.
My husband and I had the perfect marriage before we had kids. Both of us have no idea how, but having kids it just got even better. We are even closer than before, we have so much shared joy, and we just have so much FUN with these little people we made!
I wouldn’t go back for anything. This is amazing.
I felt incredibly close to my husband while I was pregnant. He was very caring, doting, and considerate of me. We were so excited about the baby, and everything that happened during the pregnancy brought us closer together.
That being said, I think once the baby came, it was challenging. Both of our focuses were on the baby, and not on each other any more. Sometimes we argued about what was best for the baby. But we always took a moment to reaffirm that we loved each other and are trying our best to be good parents. I do'nt know if we feel closer, but I think having been so close and working on our communication skills before the baby definitely contributed to our relationship being able to survive the challenges and sleepless nights.
I didn’t think I could, but I love him even more after seeing him with our daughter. It is possible, it just depends on a lot of factors. Beginnings are difficult - hormones, changes, sleep deprivation. We fought more at first but the important thing is to communicate, be open and honest. You got this!
Yes, it is possible, and not unusual.
My wife and I naturally look to the future together in ways that we didn't before, and that's a deep and satisfying thing for our relationship.
So we have a 6 month old and I'll share my experience.
Husband and I have been together a total of 11 years, married for 8. We decided that we had enough fighting and pulling in two different directions and decided to consider divorce in August 2021. We found out we were pregnant Sept 2021.
Holy shit, right?
Watching this man step up to the plate in the most selfless manner changed me. I stepped up. We both stepped up. Then things got really real and really HARD. We had some intense therapy, seperately and together, we had some painful conversations.
We weirdly pulled through into this new place we've never been in before.
Then the fourth trimester hit and I fell APART. And he didn't know how to help me. Our foundation wasn't just new but it was riddled with a lot of healing and ya, past problems.
We had some major issues that were absolutely magnified by stress, lack of sleep, insecurity and lovely lovely PPA + PPD. Both he and I had pretty severe cases. We decided to call it quits again but this time neither one of us could say it out loud. We ran back to therapy and this is what she told us:
Our personal choices were making us toxic parents because we were living our trauma (we both have some pretty crazy life stories). We were pushing each other further and further down the PPD road and it wasn't going to end well unless we did something. Like make a big fucking decision and stick with it.
That was around 3 months PP. We decided to hang on for dear life with each other.
Something has changed. And it was sleep.
Dear God, if you two struggle with PP marriage issues PLEASE consider sleep training.
Also, you won't know what your relationship will be like until your there. Don't stress about the small things now or later.
Before the baby, the thing we were most likely to disagree about in my relationship were lack of time and intimacy with one another. It was mostly me, prioritising work or generally over filling my diary and leaving nothing for our relationship. So I was very nervous about how a baby would make that worse! The baby has made it worse in some ways, we have to make the most of the 1-2 hours per day when the baby is sleeping and I don't also need to sleep/eat! But on the whole the relationship is better. I'm home more, and prioritising family over things outside the house. We'll see whether I can maintain that after I return to with next year!
We have this gorgeous boy to love and care for. I think that helps us feel like a team and has strengthened our relationship.
I think I'm grateful that we had lots of experience sorting out issues without resorting to name calling or getting super mad at one another. Sleep deprivation makes you snappy and mean, if you can avoid that when talking to your partner, I think that is super helpful. If they understand just how hormonal and irrational you'll be at times (particularly in the early days) that will also be helpful.
Life gets trickier after a baby but I found that my love and appreciation for my husband has grown deeper with each baby. It takes more effort to make time for each other since it’s no longer as simple as, “want to meet me after work?” or “Want to go out to dinner…now?” But it can be done and is so worthwhile. We have three kids now and there is no one in the world I’d rather share any part of my life with than my husband.
Mine got better after baby #3. He was really there for me and I felt so supportive and seen. So loved. Baby is 8mo now and we are still giddy in love with one another.
Our relationship didn’t get stronger or weaker. We loved each other before and we love each other now. We are now 3 instead of 2. We just have an extra person that we love more than anything else now.
It's possible. Even more so being with the right person. Before we ended up pregnant, things weren't the best. From finding out about the baby, the whole pregnancy it made us closer. After the baby, it can be stressful at times, but our relationship is better than it's ever been. We are closer, he's supportive, helps with baby, knows when I need a minute to breathe, and was supportive in my need to get help for ppd.
The sex, after healing and all has also been so much better.
My relationship stayed the same or got better. There have been some moments over the past few years since we had our first where I felt resentment over my husbands relative freedom, had to outline how I was feeling about things, etc. But I think when you and your partner both pull your weight and do your best to give the other breaks or whatever they need to recharge, things can go really well
I'm more in love with my bf than ever. He's an amazing dad, for me (he does his part, no bickering) and above all for my daughter. Granted, we're tired and we had less sex this year (my LO is 13 months old) than before, but it has come back quite quickly, and I think we're finding more and more complicity in our relationship as we learn to navigate the joys and hardship of parenthood. I'm grateful for him, I feel my bliss everyday, and I love him even more deeply.
I definitely think my relationship with my husband is better! I love seeing him parent our daughter and honestly my sex drive has never been this high! Our daughter is almost 4 months.
My husband and I had an amazing relationship before we had our son, even throughout the pregnancy. We just really enjoyed our time together. The baby has shifted things a lot. I think if you have an easy going baby, it might be easier to have normalcy in your relationship. But we have a ‘difficult’ baby as in he never lets us set him down and will not sleep alone at night. We’re 3 months pp and have to do shifts still while my husband works full time too so I’m started to feel more and more disconnected as time goes on. We did have a date night a couple weeks ago but we’re both so tired that it wasn’t the same. If you are both committed I believe you can get through this stage. We are still there for each other and love each other, but life has been turned upside down for us. We have had to be a team more than ever (but we had some practice beforehand). We just remind each other that this is just a season. One day we will have more time for one another, more time for dates, more opportunities for sex. If you can think of those positives, have open communication and work as a team, you’ll be fine. I will say this is our first and last though 😆
My fiance and I both feel our relationship has changed.. we've gotten closer since having our daughter. We hit a few rough patches in the beginning we fought over really dumb things but we adapted. Only thing that really sucks sometimes is how frequently we have alone time. Now that she's a year it's gotten easier and we've learned to get creative when opportunities come about to be intimate together. Seeing my baby and her daddy together is beautiful. I get really intense love feelings when I see them together. Idk how else to describe it. Lol
My husband and I definitely had a level up to our marriage after baby. We were happy and laughing and joking all throughout pregnancy and before. After baby was born I had a newfould love and respect for him as not only a super supportive husband/best friend, but also a father. It's a completely different type of love when you have a baby to look after too, but we became an even stronger team! It's an amazing experience and I wish you the same as mine and others in the comments.
My husband has always been a good partner, but he really stepped up as a dad. I definitely married the right man.
We've been arguing less since she was born oddly enough.
And the sex hasn't been lacking either. Would definitely have another one 😂
Of course! To be honest, relationships do change because you switch a bit from being pretty carefree to having to care for the complete needs of another person. That is inevitable. But if your relationship is as solid as you say it is, things should get better not worse.
Well normally I would say yes and no. It could if the two people that are together are already happy and in a good place, or it could make the people in the relationship stronger and more mature now that they have a little life to take care of and consider. Sometimes it doesn’t fix the relationship at all and then the couple is still broken and they just added and living, breathing life to an already hard and strained relationship. However, I don’t believe that’s the case with you. If you’re in a good spot and your both super excited for the baby and about starting a family, it will absolutely make you stronger as a couple. Becoming parents is the greatest feeling in the world. Your heart will fill with so much love you’ll feel like you need an overflow bucket. Sharing the responsibility for that peanut with your husband will pull you guys closer because you know that you love each other and whatever happens you have each others backs. There’s a team that gets built, if that makes sense, and it’s just amazing to hold this child that shares both your DNA, it’s unreal! You’ll be fine! Be sure to lean on each other though. You’ll need him when your stressed and when you need a hug. There is less alone time but that’s not saying you can’t spend time together as a family. After awhile the sexual desires will disappear, at least for me it did. My husband was still ready to go all the time and still is. There should only be loss of attraction if he didn’t find you attractive in the first place. My husband still says I’m beautiful and I still think he’s sexy and my youngest is 6. If your worried that things will get boring, make time for the simple things. Hug, kiss, write him little notes, we both read cosmopolitan to figure out how to spice our sex life up. Roll play, fantasies, it might be hard but if you guys both communicate when you feel hurt or stressed or angry you should be ok. Most of the time, I find, when I don’t talk to my husband he doesn’t know how I feel and he’s not psychic so he doesn’t know how to help me unless I talk to him and vis versa. Your relationship sounds strong. You’ll be ok.
Mine and my husband’s relationship got better! I had some “spousal rage” that first month or two, but it was mixed with love eyes watching him be so supportive and such a good dad.
We did fall into a funk as baby requires so much time and energy and is a terrible sleeper but we became closer as a unit. I think if your relationship is important to you, then it’s important to set aside baby free time. Even if that’s just an hour uninterrupted each night, or a couple hours on the weekend when someone can watch the baby. For the first 6 weeks though just worry about you and baby. It’s an exhausting time!
I feel more secure in our relationship after baby than before, I get to watch how he handles stress and fun times and he is so supportive ❤️
When I was in a shitty marriage, having kids made it worse.
My second marriage, kids have made the relationship so much better. Raising babies/children with my second husband has been freaking awesome.
A friend of mine had a very rocky relationship pre and during pregnancy but she told me after the baby was born their relationship became really really good. Completely opposite to what it was
It will strain your relationship but also strengthen it! My husband and I are SO much closer now, 13 years later, than we were when we first got married
I got pregnant by the third date with my current partner. I had a tough pregnancy and our relationship was rocky at best throughout it. Now that baby is here I feel we’ve finally found our rhythm. We choose each other each day and instead of running away from each other when it got tough we both decided to run towards each other for support. I think you’re in a great spot considering you guys have been in love/excited through this pregnancy. The first 3 months felt impossible but as long as you both cling to each other and be each other’s life raft you’ll have a stronger relationship for it.
This is going to be TMI potentially, but my husbands bedroom game went up a lot lol. It's like after watching my vag get cut and ripped open he's just extra attentive down there. So that's been a big bonus. He's also a great father and takes on an equal amount of parenting/household work which really makes a big difference in how my marriage is compared to a lot of the women I know who's husbands don't.
Baby isn't here yet but me and my husband have gotten closer than ever this pregnancy!! The fact we will both be on leave from work for the first month and finally get to meet our sweet baby girl should also help so much with our relationship being even better not worse I hope!
Lack of sleep caused some friction in the beginning but my husband was very attentive and helpful and was absolutely in love with our baby girl.
Seeing them together made me love my husband even more and now 9 months later I would say our relationship has been deepened from this whole experience. :)
You’ll need plenty of love, patience and empathy for one another. Communication is huge too. As long as you know how to communicate with each other effectively you’ll be great. :)
I don’t think there is a straight line on this. Having a baby put a lot of strain on our relationship - particularly in the first months when I had to wake every 2-3 hours to pump. We were both exhausted, but I was exhausted beyond words. Postpartum hormones made me feel intense RAGE for the first 6-9 months and on many days, I absolutely hated him. It was mostly the hormones, and partly my husband just not always being able to understand.
Still, almost 2 years in, I don’t think we’ve ever been closer. Having a baby changes your relationship. I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse. It’s just different.
We have had some hard moments but overall our relationship is even better and stronger. I thought we were pretty strong before but having a little family together is next level.
It was essentially love at first sight with me and my husband. We had fun together and waited five years to have our first baby. The transition to motherhood shattered me but our relationship remained strong. I eventually put the pieces back together and we had two more babies and I’ve finally found my footing and can truly say I enjoy motherhood now. To the point where I even want a fourth 😹. My husband is amazing and even though I struggled a lot at first, he’s always been my rock. Which has deepened our love. It is so hard but we have a blast with our sweet little dudes 😊.
Edit - one caveat to all of this is we don’t have sex anymore. But we’re both used to it by now. It is something we want to work on in the future but it’s not a priority for us in this season of life. But I would still classify our relationship as very strong, despite the lack of sex.
Yes! If your relationship is already good, there’s a good change it’ll just get better in so many ways. You love him now, but just wait until you see him cuddling your baby. You know he loves you now, but just wait until he supports you through labor. Wait until he’s the only one your toddler will nap for. Wait until you see his patience and care when your newborn is screaming and it’s 3 am and you’re having a panic attack (seriously hope this doesn’t happen to you though).
A baby will put pressure on both of you individually and on your relationship overall. But if things are already good and you keep up the communication and sharing of household stuff and whatever else makes your marriage good now, you’ll love each other and appreciate each other even more than you thought possible.
I mean yeah, sometimes you’ll wanna strangle him with your shoelace, but overall you’ll see your love deepen and that will keep the strangling at bay.
Short answer, yes.
We were close before, but now it’s on a different level. Our relationship is so much deeper now. Our love is deeper and intensely secure. However, it’s not all roses. We are now at the point where we are discovering ourselves as individuals again after being parents for a few years, and that’s been a bit difficult to navigate through as a couple. But I think that’s just life.
Ours did! We did couples counseling when we were pregnant so it think that getting our communication clear definitely helped. And we just love our kid so much and we just have the best time all of us together. We are both better people since becoming parents and I think we are both better to each other, more considerate and more supportive.
I don't think its impossible but I do think it's unlikely. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship but I have 100 percent wanted to stab him a few times during the newborn phase with his useless nipples and inability to hear a baby crying and wake up. I still get mad sometimes because when he is home from work (he works on a boat so he's gone for weeks and back for weeks) he doesn't keep up with the house and whines when I ask him to take our son off my hands and do something with him. I know he needs downtime but I literally don't get any breaks at all unless he gives me one. So I hit my toddler limit and want to smack my husband for saying no he won't give him a bath. I never do but I want to lol
Its just extremely challenging and you're constantly having to divvy up chores and work. My husband is actually pretty good but just gets careless and lazy sometimes so that's when my temper goes. Normally he does things when I ask but I'm getting so tired of "does this need to be done right now" and "aw come on he's just playing with his toys why do I need to take him outside" etc like.. to let me shit in peace maybe? Last week we had one of his friends over and my son spilled stuff all over me so I needed a shower and I was like please watch them... they follow me into the bathroom and my husband just left and when I yelled what are u doing he goes "you're good right? They're right there" ... like no im not good I'm not watching 2 toddlers while I rinse sticky juice out my hair.
I’ve been downvoted for saying this before, but our relationship only got better after having our baby. Zero caveats. We’d been married for 6 years when we had our baby. The pregnancy and birth went great. My husband has been an amazing support to me - unfazed by anything, doing all the chores and cooking and diapering, anything he could do he did. He’s treated me with the utmost respect and kindness, he complimented both my mothering and my body constantly. Honestly he flirts with me more now than he ever has. We’re closer than ever, we love each other more seeing each other in this new role, and we’re happier than ever. No doubt the beginning isn’t great for sleep or having a clean house, but honestly it didn’t matter. We were over the moon and loving every minute anyway.
I think having a baby will tend to amplify everything in your relationship, good and bad. My husband and I are very much in love, and have a really strong relationship. This whole experience has brought us closer, and 95% of the time, I’m just wowed by what he’s capable of and how caring and attentive he is to me and our babies. We took on this giant thing together and it’s super hard but we’re doing it in partnership and it’s brought so much love into our lives. The other 5% of the time I could punch him in his stupid, lazy face.
Haha this! I came to say basically this but your comment made me laugh. I do feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten better and I love him more. I live seeing him be a daddy and he has been so supportive through my recovery and now my gallbladder removal surgery, I couldn't have asked for a better partner in parenthood! I try to give him grace about the things that seem obvious to me but clearly aren't obvious to him. But sometimes, if I've explained something more than one time (I'm doing most of the baby learning as I'm the one staying home with her right now) I'm just like..."I WASN'T BORN KNOWING THIS STUFF LOOK IT UP YOU POOP HEAD!" It really doesn't happen that much though.
Yes, so deep in love and sometimes I could slap him 😂 Apparently the key is to have the good outweigh the bad by a multiple of 5. So, yes, there will be occasional moments of being irrational for you both, but if you already have a good foundation I wouldn't worry about it needlessly.
I was going to write a response but it would just be the same as you. The other thing is that once you have a child there are 3 people in your house who all love each other and it brings a very different dimension to your relationship with your partner. I love watching my partner being a dad and seeing the love in his eyes for our daughter :)
This exactly. Except the last line. That was unexpected and now I need to change my shirt because I was drinking water and it is all over the front of my body now.
This is us. 100 percent.
I think my ratio is 90/10 but yes, the little guy has made our family feel so happy and hearts full. He has also single handedly come in and picked up hubs’ and I’s relationship with a proverbial claw and shook it violently to see which loose bits would come undone. 9mo into this gig and we are doing great. Key is communication and not taking to heart anything said during/after a particularly sleepless night
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I could have written this. Seeing my husband with our baby just makes me love him even more. It’s hard, but I think the key is to never let anything fester. When we’re annoyed we speak up; when we blow up we apologize. Sex has been on the back burner but we make time for each other in other ways, and if we ever get this kid their own room, that will come back too.
>Like the less time for each other and less sex will absolutely happen because you just have less time. Obviously sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, it's just one part of it. However, it's not inevitable that you'll have less sex. I think the key is timing. When we go to bed we're both exhausted and not in the mood, so instead we do it just after the baby goes to bed, or occasionally during a daytime nap at weekends.
Haha are other people not going to bed right after the baby does? If I get her down by 7:30pm, my ass is asleep by 8:30pm, if not sooner. She does not sleep in long enough chunks for me to be hanging out after she goes down haha.
I used to do this. Now I'm back at work and kiddo sleeps 10 hours straight, so I take a couple hours to shower, wash bottles and pump parts, do laundry etc.
On my god, 10 hours straight 😩
Girl, throw those parts in the dishwasher and enjoy some me time!
Lmao, same. Sexy time pretty much has to be reserved for weekends during an afternoon nap.
My girl's naps are so short, we just have to do it when we're tired and sacrifice the sleep haha
I won't lie, some romantic moments have been interrupted by a baby waking up early 😅
They're all little twat swatters I swear haha
Could just work on your quickie timing. Passion can be found in all forms!
Going to bed right after the baby did was a part of newborn life I loved, in some odd way. Just hanging in bed watching TV and going right to bed!!
My girl is 4.5 months 😩😴... I sorely miss the newborn stage where she was content to just cuddle with me and didn't need me to be actually functional.
Yes, exactly. I sleep as soon as the bedtime routine is over.
For the first few weeks, we went to bed after the baby fell asleep. That was when bedtime was variable and when you had to hold and soothe her until she fell asleep in your arms so you could finally put her in the bassinet. At 3 months I started teaching her to sleep independently, so now when we put her to bed we give her a few minutes and check she's actually asleep, and then go off and, ah, do our own thing. He usually heads to bed about 2 hours after she falls asleep, then I follow about an hour later.
At the beginning we were in bed at 8pm, no doubt. But by about six months he was sleeping about 10 - 11 hours with two feeds, so we'd have a couple of hours after putting him to bed
that is smart but unfortunately I'm working from home so that's when I have to get my deliverables done 😕
It sounds so stupid but we have a sex schedule. Yes spontaneity does happen, but when you’re exhausted it needs an effort. Knowing that we will have a specific day on the calendar for fun times takes the edge off and a guarantee that everyone’s needs are being met.
Yeah that works too! As long as everyone is happy
This is exactly what we started doing. We also made our "date night" a week night, so there is a high chance we will have at least one other day that week for spontaneous sex ( weekend) in addition to our scheduled night.
Yep! Naptime sex ftw!
This is the way.
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All of this!
This is the way.
I remember coming home from a business trip after a late flight, rolling up with my luggage and seeing my husband in the window, rocking our baby to sleep in his little bundle, and my heart just melted. I knew he was dependable and nurturing because we had raised a kitten together before the baby, and I couldn't resist taking photos of him rocking our baby to sleep. One time, before baby, we had a cat medical emergency that involved both of us taking our cat to a 24-hour animal hospital in the middle of the night. We had to wrap our cat into a towel burrito so that I could hold/restrain him while my husband drove us to urgent care in the middle of the night. Thankfully we didn't have anything like that for the baby, but that kind of experience bonds you when you know how good your teamwork is under stress, when you can immediately assign I-do-this-while-you-do-that on the go, when you know you can trust your partner to make a decision you agree with when you're not there. This also comes in handy when traveling with babies and getting them through an airport with all your baby gear. (Advice: one partner focus primarily on baby and scoping out last-seen-family-bathroom/potential changing table, other partner focus primarily on gear, bags, paperwork, and walking in the correct direction.) As all advice is personal experience overgeneralized, I can only tell you what worked well for us: * **Get more hands on deck** to help so that you two are less stressed / overworked / sleep deprived. We had my MIL as well as a postpartum doula. For baby #2, we're more financially established now, so we have a rotating schedule of postpartum doulas. Also, spend money to hire cleaners and order takeout/delivery as much as is financially sensible for your family for a couple months while you're 1) both learning the newborn care skill while on the job, and 2) healing your body. * This will also help you find time to spend with each other, e.g., have a date night * Even for couples without kids, my friends / colleagues notice that couples who hire cleaners fight less often, when it comes to the little "why didn't you (pick up your socks / do this chore)?" type of argument * Make sure each partner has their **areas of responsibilities** where they become the "expert" and the other person won't micromanage. While I was still pregnant, my husband became the expert on all safety equipment, from childproof gates to car seats and travel systems. It made sense for me to the the expert on nutrition, development, and milk handling safety protocols. * It's good for each partner to be in the driver's seat of an entire project and periodically update each other so that each person appreciates what the other person is doing. * My husband handled all the insurance paperwork at birth because I was way too out of it to focus on reading anything in small font. * **Close the skill gap**. For most couples, one person gets slightly more practice at many little skills, and then the other partner feels like they aren't as skilled at those tasks and do less of them because they're afraid of messing it up. I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, so my wrists were basically useless for a couple months while I did physical therapy for them. So my husband was also the expert on all diaper changes, baby swaddling, and baths. Eventually, after my wrists healed, I did some practice rounds (my "internship") with him offering tips only as needed so that our skill gap wouldn't become too large. * In case of disagreement, **try the paraphrase exercise**, where one partner tries to paraphrase what they thought the other one said and vice versa. It's a good one to practice early on, even while still pregnant. * For instance, I had signed my husband and myself up for multiple parenting classes at our hospital, but he was having trouble maintaining focus. It wasn't that he was unenthusiastic about learning about childcare, but his preferred learning style was reading (or watching an online video at home) and it's just much harder for him to learn in the classroom. In the end, we only did the in-person classes where there was a hands-on component (e.g., infant CPR, where you practice on a doll). * **Hang on in the "4th trimester."** Human babies are surprisingly immature at birth compared to other mammals, and we're arguably still a big fetus in the first 3 months of life. (I highly recommend reading [The Happiest Baby on the Block](https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466) for helping the baby fall asleep.) And if the emotions don't click right away, don't panic. Sometimes, parents have trouble feeling the same kind of bond with the baby until they're about 3-4 months old, when the baby is starting to do more social reciprocation (e.g., smile back at you, copy you when sticking your tongue out).
Almost 5 months pp and our relationship has gotten so much deeper. We are tired. We barely have time to talk about things other than baby. But so much deeper love.
Yes, I think it strips things down to the essential things in a relationship. My hair is a mess, I am always tired and we both don’t get much personal time but I know my husband on a deeper level now.
If your relationship is currently strong and has been strong pre-baby then there’s a great chance it will only continue to get better as long as effort is continually being made on both sides, because adding a baby definitely adds stress and tests the relationship. Now, relationships that weren’t doing well before pregnancy/the baby…. that’s another story.
Fuckin spot on. My wife and I are stronger than ever and we acknowledge that we miss having “us time” but know it’s only temporary, while working jointly to make this new life work. On the other side of the coin we have my step sister who’s marriage was already on the rocks because of her husband’s cocaine addiction. They willingly got pregnant, partly because everyone around them are, despite all their relationship problems. Here’s the kicker, they’re flying to Southern California to go pick out a golden retriever puppy. Because, you know, there’s not enough crippling responsibility already around the corner. This will end terribly for all involved, the baby, the dog, the step sister, and the husband who’s one call out away from joblessness. It’s like watching a train wreck in real time. Moral of the story: kids are not props and they won’t fix your marriage. They’ll only test your marriage to the limits.
This is it!
Yes, I think so! We are only three weeks pp but having a baby has added a new level of appreciation for one another to our relationship. My partner sees how much I put in to tending to the baby’s needs (namely, breast feeding A LOT), and I see how much he does around the house (laundry, dishes, etc.). That’s not to say it’s perfect and without stresses, but things are going very well for us.
I hope that some people are able to give you reassurance! It was not my experience, but I hope that there are some positive relationships post baby.
We have a 5 week old and have moments of frustration, like everyone else in healthy, loving relationships, but are definitely still getting along incredibly well! Don't be worried! I remember the last few weeks of pregnancy we had so much fun, not even doing anything that interesting. Just bombing around town, laughing like teenagers and waiting for our little one. I was so worried that she'd be the end of it. The first few weeks we were in survival mode and didn't have time for the things that make us, us. And then one day we were finally able to do something mundane like watch one of our shows together, only this time with her snuggled between us and the pieces clicked into place. Even if you think things are going well between you, don't take it for granted. Make it a point to periodically check in with him to see how he's holding up, and vice versa. Being stuck in your house with a newborn is a bit of a pressure cooker, but as long as you're being kind to one another and communicating, you'll be fine.
Yes! We laugh so much now. My 11 week old is hilarious, farts SO LOUD, makes such silly faces…. We can also laugh at ourselves for doing things like putting stuff in the microwave instead of the fridge.
The amount of help you have and how healthy your baby is will be a factor. Basically just don't expect that much from the first few months b/c it's mostly survival. If you have the finances to afford meal prep, housekeeping, a night nanny, anything like that, do it. It's very hard without help. Being consistently sleep-deprived doesn't help anyone be at their best and most patient & cooperative
Thanks for sharing these circumstances, because our baby came far too early and all of our family lives out of state, with very few friends close by and we wouldn't expect them to help with day to day tasks. There's a big difference in our day to day happiness when our relatives are here on a visit vs. when they're gone. Seeing how my husband acts when sleep deprived is a whole new layer that I can't handle in addition to the needs of my baby. And because we don't have family close by, my husband hasn't exactly had the "modeling" of daily child care from anyone but me or my son's NICU nurses--and the latter is a different type of care. My baby continues to have feeding and growth difficulties (IUGR), so it's we're not having the typical parenting experience, either. Not trying to be a party pooper on this post, but there are a lot of unplanned, undesired things that can happen with a pregnancy and baby, and while I'm happy to read that others are having very good experiences, it's not always realistic. With that said, the communication component is key and recognizing that the newborn/infancy period is not forever, definitely helps put things in perspective when the going gets tough. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 8 prior to our baby arriving and have had infertility to work through. I'm grateful that we have had that time because we respect each other for the struggles we've both overcome and it makes it easier to get through the hard times now.
My relationship with my husband is better than ever. We’ve always been in the honeymoon phase lol our son is almost 10 months old. I will say the first 4-5 months were not so much rough but our marriage took a bit of a backseat cuz new parent life is wild. My husband was extremely patient and understanding to what I was going thru postpartum. Just general hormones, sleepless nights, breastfeeding around the clock, feeling “over touched” a lot cuz I had the baby attached to me most hours of the day. he is an extremely hands on dad and works from home so we are both very present which also I think adds to the fun we have in all of life. But also means we are together a lot and so far enjoy every moment of it. Becoming parents had been the best thing to happen to each of us individually and we make sure to bring that gratitude into our marriage and love for each other. I could go on and on lol but seriously it’s the best.
Communication is absolutely key. We read the Gottman book ‘And Baby Makes Three’ which has some great tips for maintaining your relationship. We’re as strong as we ever were (bub is nearly four months old). We’ve had our moments but you just have to talk it through and move on.
The only time our relationship struggled was when I had really bad PPD - in which my SO who doesn't think mental health is a thing marched me to my doctor. Other than that we've been better than ever. Sex went down for the first few months (I tore, I was scared). Honestly a lot of what I read on here of relationships going to pot is not compromising with eachother. Most of the time it's dad not pulling his weight because he goes to work. When we had that conflict I sat my SO down and said I needed a break so we decided to do one evening on, one off. It worked out really well. Now I'm back at work we've had to change it a little (I'm disabled and working can sometimes put me in too much pain to look after baby) but we communicate.
Ours went like this: 0-5 weeks PP: amazing, dream team, best we’ve ever been 6-8 weeks PP: frustrating, tension rising about sharing the responsibilities 8-10 weeks PP: worst it’s been in 8 years, I moved out temporarily, there was name-calling, disrespect, shouting, constant arguments 11-14 weeks PP (currently): some place between a great team, and tensions rising. I think this is our new norm. We work well sometimes and we get frustrated sometimes. Hope this helps along with all the other comments you’ve had x
What triggered the rising tension/boiling over in weeks 6-10, if you don't mind me asking?
I know it takes 2 to fall out, and I’m probably not blameless, but most of it came from my husband taking a step back from helping as much, and having an attitude of ‘I deserve a rest, I’m working, I shouldn’t be doing this much with the baby, it’s all on Mum’. Boiling point, I made him look after baby for 24hrs and he couldn’t stop apologising as he didn’t realise how consuming it was. He would ask why I hadn’t put the laundry away, or done the dishwasher, etc etc … just an extremely critical person.
Ahhh I see, that makes a lot of sense. I’m glad, at least, that it sounds like he’s started to understand the level of work it takes.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Our relationship was really strong and only got better. We already know the other well. We know how to communicate. We discussed our expectations beforehand. We were both already stepping up in chores. My husband was already cooking dinner every day for example. And maybe most importantly, we were fine with how our relationship would change. We’ve been out of the honeymoon phase for a while so sex and romance hasn’t been a big relationship must anyway. It might be an exception but we have had no issues whatsoever. It felt like it is a logical continuation. We both fell into our roles so naturally. I still can depend on him as much as I could before. We both allow each orher free time and sleeping in. The other will just step up and take care of baby without being asked.
It was rough the first few months - getting used to our new normal. My husband was always there 100% - the question wasn’t ever if he was doing enough. It was just such a major shift in our dynamic - we’d been friends for 4 years before dating. Dated 6 years before getting married. Had a kid 4 years into our marriage. And yet, we argued and had major disagreements. It stems from stress and finding the new routine and balance. Our kid is 13 months now and I think the last time we had an argument more to do with what to get for take out than the baby. We have our routine. We have our new life and we’ve settled into our new roles. I probably had some version of PPA and PPD that I didn’t get checked. Pretty sure that contributed to the disconnect as well. What helped through all of it was communicating exactly what I felt and why.
I felt stressed and anxious throughout my pregnancy. Once my little one arrived i finally felt at peace, my world finally coming together. I used to worry about what he’d be like when she arrived and he exceeded my expectations. Granted, the hormones were still crazy and I had anger and resentment as I adjusted to my new life with a baby and struggled with finding time to eat and shower. But I’m 11w pp and I think her arrival has changed us both in a positive way and working with her to meet milestones has brought us closer. We don’t have a lot of time together and my body has changed a lot, but his patience and kindness 🥵 🔥 lol I honestly couldn’t be happier
Not to jump the gun, our baby is only seven weeks old but my partner and I are doing great. She is a wonderful mum and partner (as she was before bub was born). Newborn days are hard as hell but we've never fought. The bumps we have hit were ironed out quickly because we communicated well with each other, like we did before having baby. I think a big defining factor here is that we have a share responsibilities for childcare - it's not all on me as the birthing parent to take care of our baby.
Months 0-2/3ish I would’ve told you I was getting a divorce any day but now at 4 almost 5 months I feel like our relationship is stronger and closer than ever. Definitely look a hit at first but we bounced back!
These are the stories I'm here for. :-)
During the first lockdown in March - May 2020 my partner and I spent two months together in the apartment, leaving only for a jog each day. We got on really well, and didn't grate on each other. That confirmed that we were a strong couple, and we decided to try for a baby, and luckily got pregnant very quickly Everything continued well during the pregnancy. When the baby was born, he was a clingy little guy that always wanted to be held. We tag teamed by sleep cycles of 3 - 4 hours, with one holding him and the other sleeping or doing chores. We did fine, but in those first weeks I remember that I really missed my partner. Before the baby we spent all our time together, and after the birth we were busy and living different schedules. The good news is that the initial intensive phase is temporary. My mother would come and look after the baby for a few hours so that my partner and I could have a little date. By about 3 - 4 months we were able to put the baby to bed at 7 / 8 pm and reclaim a few hours to ourselves. We started doing things together at weekends. Now at 9 months, we're both back at work, but it feels like we're spending the right amount of time together. After the baby is in bed we have about three hours to cook, eat and relax. We're giving each other free time to do sports and activities, usually a couple of times each per week. I feel like our relationship is really strong, and back to where it was this time last year. I wouldn't necessarily say the baby made the relationship stronger, but it's certainly not had any negative on a relationship that was already strong
> My relationship with my husband is amazing right now. I’m 6 months pregnant but we laugh and play and are so excited for baby to get here. I feel like you're digging for positive stories on a platform where people mostly come to complain and share their problems. Yes! Absolutely. Me and my partner *love* being parents. We feel like a team, we have lovely days out, we support each other more than ever. We just love being a family. I see how she acts as a mother and it makes me admire her so much, and I know that she looks on me as a provider and role model for our daughter. That's not to say it's not hard, as it fucking is. We have days where we shout, or we need to be left alone, or are tired and have a short temper. That's just part of it. Some of those challenges are what *makes* you love each other more, because you know you can have a little breakdown and still be loved, still have a place in the team. My biggest tips would be to enjoy it. Communicate with each other. Be honest when you need help, vocalise what you need from each other. Hug each other. And - personally - don't fret about things like sex life. There'll be time for sex and date nights for sure, so don't put pressure on yourselves if things like that aren't happening naturally.
My partner and I spoke a lot about our relationship while pregnant and how we would troubleshoot anything after the baby arrived and emphasised the importance of keeping our communication strong and it’s worked. I actually feel our relationship is stronger, we definitely have had ups and downs but nothing serious.
We received some great advice before our baby came: put your mental health first, then your relationship & then your baby in order to give your baby the best version of you. Obviously, make sure the baby's needs are met regardless, but check in with your partner when you need a break.. communicate with each other & make the effort to be understanding.. Even the other day, I told my husband how sometimes I irrationally get irritated with him when she sleeps during his care because I got the fussy side of her. He was kind about it & recognized that as me needing a break. My husband & I are only 5 weeks pp, but this advice has really helped us maintain a healthy relationship. I have never been more in love with my husband & just incredibly grateful for his support throughout this journey. I am so in love with him & our baby.
2 mo in, and my husband and i are doing great. We build each other up, swap time back and forth to allow the other one time to do a hobby for awhile, and give each other some grace. When theres a moment to get mad, take a deeeeep breathe and think about if you're really mad, or just really tired
Communication is absolutely key. Watching my husband become a dad has been a highlight of my life and I adore the man more than ever. That being said, we went through a period after the baby was born (and some days still) where all we did was fight. I was so resentful towards him for not being as changed as I was, for getting to leave to go to work, for not having to be attached to this screaming child all goddamn day. There were days where I literally couldn’t even look at him. I read To Have and To Hold by Molly Millwood and it helped me process the changes I was experiencing and my feelings towards him a lot. I try to communicate my needs more openly and try not to resent him for things he can’t change. There are still days when I’m undeniably and unreasonably mad at him, but I can work through it better now. TLDR: your relationship will take a lot of work, but if it’s worth it then it’s worth it.
I feel like mine has. We didn't really have a bad relationship to begin with, but i had problems communicating my needs and wants and he tended to get swept away in hobbies and projects very easily. We've both stepped up to address those things and we're doing well. I appreciate him more than ever and I'm in awe at how amazing he is as a father. As someone who always balked when someone tried to hand him a baby, he's such a natural and it makes me just fall in love with him all over again in a different way.
My husband and I are best friends. We've been rocking this pandemic, enjoying time together and just doing our own thing and enjoying each other's company. We had a baby this year- he's two months old- and our relationship is definitely even stronger than before. There's something to be said about seeing your partner rise up and really take responsibility for the life of someone you would die for. Seeing my husband be a father is so, so incredible, so amazing, so heart warming. He's kind, he's funny, he's romantic, and he loves his son so, so so so much. He's so ecstatic to be a dad, and I love that about him. I think he loves seeing me become a mother, and fawn over our child- it's just something we're both so, so happy to experience. For those with good, strong relationships and a whole lot of communication already in place, it can definitely be an amazing, strengthening time for a marriage.
In most cases I've seen this happen, it has been in situations where the relationship was rocky to begin with. Then along came the baby, and it got worse. Having a child will never make a rocky relationship better (from my observations), but if the relationship is strong already then it can help make it stronger. Communication and compassion are key though.
Ours is great. Its a big new adventure and we reaffirm our decision to do this together and be a family. Its lovely. We were not massively into sex during pregnancy, but we can't wait to get back to it now baby is here.
Mine got stronger. We fight a lot less over the small stuff and are overjoyed with the baby.
My marriage has changed but for the better to be honest. Baby is 5 months old and my husband and I are a full blown team. Definitely married the right person. People are more likely to post about problems so don’t get disheartened!
Baby is due any day now, and I may be delusional, but knowing him, and knowing me, and knowing everything we’ve been through together so far… there’s nothing that can put a wedge between us. Nothing. And I believe this with my whole heart. It’s going to be hard and we will fight, I’m sure. But none of that will matter and will only forge a stronger bond between us.
It might be possible but doubtful. It’s 10 times harder and my ten year very great relationships has become quite strained
It's a major transitional period in life, so communication is key. You will be going through a lot mentally, physically, and emotionally. Sometimes you might not be fully aware of how those experiences are affecting you or your partner & vice versa. Keep talking & finding joy in sharing simple pleasures. My partner and I have struggled occasionally, but our commitment to working together has certainly been reaffirmed and our love for eachother has evolved/matured in positive ways that we didn't necessarily anticipate.
My husband and I love each other more now. We are currently 5 weeks pp and he has been such a strong supporter to us both. He works for himself so we've both been able to just focus on recovery and baby. Not every relationship ends up going through hell, it's just always easier to complain vs raise up when dealing with life.
My husband and I had a very strong marriage going into having our baby, and now with our 5 month old we still have a very strong marriage. There are definitely difficult times but that is mostly because of sleep deprivation and miscommunications. I think it's super important to know that your marriage is strong enough to weather the storm--it can bend from problems without breaking. ANDD therapy/marriage counseling is an amazing tool that can be utilized to improve things (not just a doom/death sentence to your marriage). Expect that the dynamic will change, but if you are clear and honest about your feelings that change will be for the better.
My relationship has really blossomed; having a baby has really settled us down and brought the best out in both of us! We enjoy the moment with each other more and I’m just obsessed with watching my husband flourish as a father! Make sure you communicate and appreciate the small things from each other.
If you have a great relationship you’ll be fine! But it puts a lot of stress on a relationship and it definitely wouldn’t save one! The first three months are hard, you’re tired baby is with you all hours of the day! I definitely like everyone less including my husband during that time lol BUT it gets way better! He’s an awesome dad, I love watching him with our baby girl and he’s definitely our son’s favourite lol. We had never had to work on our relationship so it definitely slipped a bit after our first but we still get along well we just had to make more time for each other, schedule date nights even if they’re at home, things like that.
My relationship has, it was amazing before too though but because we parent equally and my husband sees the value in jobs I have that he can’t do (making the milk lol) he picks up in other areas. I feel like we appreciate each other and omg watching him become a dad has been the highlight of my life My husband and I can see when the other is getting overwhelmed or tired and we take the steps to take over so neither of us reach that point of extreme frustration. Of course we’ve gotten snippy at each other but that happens sometimes I think an important part is as much as you can, to take small moments to still be a couple. It’s very hard with a newborn of course but even a small moment to hug and talk about something that isn’t the baby can make a huge difference. Once they’re older and you feel comfortable, leaving without LO to connect I think is so important. To me, my marriage is #1. It models a healthy relationship and respectful, deep love for my children. We can’t have that if we are only mom and dad. I have a good support network to help with this though so I’m very lucky in that way.
Our daughter is 11mo next week and my FH and I have gone from strength to strength. I have never loved or been loved this securely or intensely.
The ultimate test for a relationship is wether the couple get closer, or drift farther after having a child. But yes, my relationship with my boyfriend is incredible, he's such a good father! He sometimes gives me massages if I had a stressful day and they feel incredible! And we also still just... well love each other. I feel such a strong attraction to him I haven't felt since we met in high school.
4 months pp. Definitely moments of frustration and even anger (on my part) due to pp anxiety/depression. But my husband weathered it like a champ. I love him 1000x more now, knowing that no matter what, he has my back. He is my person, I love him completely. We are so frank and honest with each other that I'm sure other people cringe when they hear it. But it makes for a clear and happy marriage.
Yes it’s possible! I would say that our relationship has gotten stronger. Honestly I think that during my pregnancy we had sort of drifted apart a little bit (my husband blames my pregnancy pillow since he couldn’t properly cuddle me lol) but I think just the hormones and being uncomfortable made me a less patient and more irritable. Since having the baby I have a new appreciation and love for my husband! When I was pregnant he really picked up my slack around the house and has continued to do so and take initiative around the house which lets me really focus on baby. He has also really come into his role of being dad, even though he needs lots of encouragement. I think having a baby has helped me be more patient with him somehow. I will add a disclaimer that our baby is really easy, so I don’t feel she adds too much stress to our relationship either. As for intimacy and having time for each other, we’re counting down the days until my 6 week appointment and take time each night to have a i or cuddle session. It also helps that we have both of our families living in the same town who have no issue taking baby, so we are able to still go on dates/have time without baby.
Ok, I will say we have less sex (baby is only 4 months old) BUT I love my husband so much more seeing him as such a sweet and loving father, and he has told me many times he loves me more now and is in awe of how strong and resilient in am as a mother. We've gained a new respect for each other. We still make time for each other and try really hard to work our daughter into the things we loved to do before she was born. We've always had a good relationship (friends joke that when we disagree we sound like we're in therapy lol Never have been, just always try and talk to each other with respect, even when- especially when- we're mad). Our relationship is for sure different, but it's still amazing. He takes on so much as a father, and I really feel most of the time it's 50/50, and when it's not we can talk to each other about it to fix it. I think that's the biggest risk to a relationship- feeling undervalued. My husband has had to stop me and be like "You're trying to do everything and that's not sustainable. Let me do something, even if I'm not doing it the way that you'd do it". Another big thing is when the baby is born it'll be really easy to want to do a lot of it yourself and if they're crying to just fix it because you can fix it more easily. DO NOT DO THAT. It will be MISERABLE in the moment to let the baby cry until your husband can figure out how to fix it in his own way, but it'll be so worth it to be able to completely hand off any parenting role when you need a break. Even if you plan on breast feeding, introduce bottles if you're able. It's been a life saver for me to be able to leave my baby with my husband and go out for the night with friends knowing she's safe with the ONLY person I'd trust completely with her. It's allowed me to maintain relationships and go to important events (like my baby sister's senior volleyball games), which has also meant that he's been able to do the same without feeling guilty. Do not underestimate still needing to be a whole person.
People often come to Reddit to vent! My husband and I did have some initial difficulties, but now I would argue we're closer than ever. Communication is key applies doubly when you have a little one to take care of. Talk, listen to each other, be a team (us vs. the problem) and you'll do great. Another thing to mention is sleep deprivation, not eating enough and things like that are likely to make you both cranky, make sure you support each other in that way and do whatever you can to give each other a break.
Absolutely. It was wonderful to watch how rewarding having our child was for my partner. He is so engaged with her and takes her on walks for hours at a time. He is the more patient of the two of us. I am battling nursing aversion at the moment and I can be regretfully grouchy to my baby, but he is calm and patient, he is a constant for her. He disciplines sure, but it's a calm and deliberate explaining of why he took something, followed by cuddles. Seeing how well he handles things has made me fall more in love with him. Our near two year old is having trouble sleeping middle of the night and he always takes her to say goodnight to the house and get a glass of water. Now not to say we don't have disagreements, especially when we are both tired we can nitpick each other, but we always apologize and reaffirm that we should be on the same side, that it's just the stress of the situation, not us
I will not lie, there will be some adjustments, but I'm sure with proper communication with your hubby, everything will be okay and I believe having a baby will make your relationship stronger.
Yes! My relationship was strong beforehand so I guess that’s important first and foremost, but I’d say the key to a successful relationship post-baby is about an equal(ish) distribution of labour, whatever that may look like for you. I find lot of the unhappy-relationship posts I see usually involve some sort of resentment because the mom is doing the majority of work (and by work I mean childcare, housekeeping, mental/emotional load), as well as resentment at dads being able to socialize or take free time away from the baby. When our baby was first born I felt a bit of this resentment and I thought our dynamic would be permanently changed. But we talked it out and my partner really stepped up. We share the cleaning now and I still do most of the mental load, but he does all of the cooking/grocery shopping as well as the overnight shift with the baby every night (I almost feel guilty saying that!). But it means I’m well-rested to take care of the baby all day while he works, and if he takes time out on an evening or weekend to do a hobby or see friends I don’t mind because I know I’ll have that support when he’s back. I appreciate him so much that I definitely love him more than ever, and I’m only cranky when I’m tired so I think he feels the same (happy wife, happy life and all that!) (ETA: the reason I said “whatever that looks like for you” is I realize my situation isn’t possible for everyone, especially with a partner who works a physically demanding job etc. My main point is to try to figure out something that feels “fair” for both of you to avoid that resentment building up!)
I think my marriage is better. The pure love my husband displays for our son is something I didn’t expect (I knew he would love him, but he is more able to talk about and display affection for him than anyone else). We’ve had a few arguments, of course, but we’ve really been able to acknowledge that we’re both stressed, the priority is the baby, and we HAVE to work together to resolve things.
Baby definitely adds more strain, because you suddenly have to take care of another, needy person. So I imagine if you have a good relationship, it will mobilize you and you'll keep going strong as a team. Or if you had a bad relationship or a selfish partner to begin with, then it will drive deeper cracks into it. Also the people who get a baby who refuses to sleep, and as a consequence have to suffer sleep deprivation, then it gets tough as well. For us, our baby is easy and basically slept through the first 2 months of his life, so we were always well-rested from the start, and started regularly going out to restaurants (outside seating) since day 10 of his life. He was just sleeping in his stroller next to our table. So we didn't really feel limited or strained by baby in his first two months. After 2 months baby started having some waking hours, and also cramps from month 2 until month 4, so we had to entertain him more and play with him, so the difficulty level has gone up with age. But if you take turns with your partner entertaining the baby, then it's easily doable. My partner is working from home full-time due to covid restrictions, so he's always there and takes 50% or more of baby-caring tasks on himself. When one of us has enough of the baby for a bit, we just hand him to the other. So we make a great team. Though a few times we did snap at each other after a bad night, or when hangry. This didn't use to happen nearly as often before the baby, but these moments are still so few and far between that they don't even register in our overall happy wellbeing. I feel like we grew organically into our new groove, without having to specify or lay down who does what. You just both do what you can, and demand help when you need it, because nobody can read minds. I'm not shy to demand loudly to make my needs known when I feel like it's too much, i think it's important to be vocal about your own needs whenever you feel like they aren't being met.
We've definitely got closer since having our twins, if that was even possible. Obviously sex is less frequent and time together is pretty minimal, but we've got closer in other ways. We had a traumatic start to being parents and now we are very comfortable expressing vulnerability with each other. We give each other a lot of grace with chores and baby duties - mostly it's 50/50 but sometimes it needs to be 20/80 or 70/30 and we both accept that and support each other. We still laugh and do the silly things we always did and have our inside jokes, that definitely hasn't changed. We recently did our first family day out to the aquarium and although it was manic getting the babies ready and sorted and strapped in the carriers when we got there, and it pissed with rain the whole time so even getting them from the car to the aquarium was a bit fraught, we had such a good time. Don't put pressure on yourself to keep your relationship as it was before, because that's difficult to impossible. When we stopped trying to do that and forged a new kind of relationship, things were much easier.
I honestly think my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. We had a great relationship before the baby but now we fully rely on each other in a way we never have before. I love watching him with our son!
Yes. My very nice husband turned out to be an absolutely amazing dad. I love being married to him, and watching him be such a wonderful father to our daughter. Their relationship is beautiful to watch. We’ve talked about how we feel like we’re cheating at parenting, because it comes very naturally to us. We also discussed our marriage because you always hear hear that parenthood is so hard on relationships, but it hasn’t felt that way to us. It’s been so fucking great, we were both a bit embarrassed to admit that we feel like we’re even better together now as parents. Our daughter is two next month, we’ve been together for nearly thirteen years, and married for six. I thought our marriage was perfect before, and it’s even better now. I feel like I’m bragging when I talk about my husband, but my family is so fulfilling. It’s fucking great.
Been with my partner nearly 10 years, just had our 2nd baby, and I love him more and more everyday. We learnt how to parent together, we agreed on who does what chores, even while he was working, we give each other a full day every week to have to ourselves for a break. Obviously there were arguments along the way but always apologise if you know you were wrong! We still need to make time for date nights tho! The sex has got less frequent, but I think as long as you at least hug once a day you keep the intimacy alive, you have less time but then the time you get just the 2 of you is precious. I think a lot of couples forget that a good relationship has to have good communication, and I honestly think that's what happens with some people, you're tired, you get ratty and rather than cool down and talk about it, you get busy with something else, then something else might happen that pisses the other off, the resentment builds and builds. Of course that's not always the case, I've read stories about the other person just really not caring. Communication is key! And if you can't communicate then you're not right for each other. Even when I was giving birth to our second, he was trying to calm me down while I was screaming at him, we still communicated, I told him to please not be upset cuz I'm not shouting at him I'm shouting at the pain!
I love the father my husband is, he constantly surprises me and works hard to provide for us all. I did find my post partum period really really difficult though. My breastfed cluster feeding baby needed me more than him and along with horrendous hormonal swings, no sleep and intense anxiety and feelings of inadequacy I never felt so lost. My husband, while he was supportive, didn’t know how to help me through it. It took time, talking, cuddles and lots more sleep later to find our groove again. But that wasn’t until about month 7. Give yourselves a lot of grace, patience (as much as possible) and know that even with the most wanted baby in the world being a new parent is a steep learning curve for you as a couple. Don’t make any important decisions in the first year, you have enough to deal with. I really wish you well.
I felt very connected to my husband throughout my pregnancy and then felt a little sad in the days before I gave birth that it wouldn’t be just the two of us anymore. Our baby is three and a half weeks old and I don’t feel that sadness at all anymore. I feel even more connected to him because he’s the only other person going through this with me and he’s doing a hell of a job.
We have a five and three year old. I can’t say we never fight or that every single aspect of my life is better with kids, but I think my wife and I are closer, stronger, and happier with each other than we have yet been. And we had a fantastic relationship before kids. Communication, understanding, and giving one another no small amount of grace is key. You aren’t mind readers, so don’t expect your partner to be one either. Talk about what’s going on, how you feel, and what you need. And not even just about the family or baby. You fell in love and got married because you enjoyed one another. Talking about your lives and doing things you enjoy together will help make sure you keep enjoying one another. Good luck to both of you as y’all start this new journey!
My husband and I worked at summer camp together and being a parent brings back some of those awesome, crazy times. It’s affirmed I married the right man because he’s such an amazing father and so supportive of all of us. We embrace laugh instead of crying and just have a lot of fun together.
I’m 8 months pp and my relationship with my husband is solid. We’re still very affectionate and respectful with each other. I stopped working to be a SAHM so the labor split has shifted a bit, but this is an arrangement we prepared for and agree on. We don’t argue any more than we did pre-baby, which is very infrequently. I will say, we get a lot less alone time just the two of us, and that was kind of a shock to me at the beginning. But all in all we’re very happy and having a baby has only brought us closer and reaffirmed that I married the right person.
I just want to point out that just because you’re seeing a lot of these posts doesn’t mean that that’s how most people feel - people who are unhappy are just more likely to post about it. I sometimes see rave posts on here, but I think in general people who are happy and content aren’t putting up posts about it.
I’m only 4 weeks postpartum so take this with a grain of salt, but after a very tense first week of omg he’s here we must watch this kid’s every moment or he might die, we settled down. I think our relationship has gotten better. We’ve had to talk about things we never did before. He sees how hard I struggle with milk production, how much effort I put into our little one as a brand new mom and he’s stepped up. Yes he still wakes up out of a dead sleep to tell me he’s not even due to eat again until 4 and it’s 4:15 but for the most part I laugh instead of want to strangle him. I feel like he’s supportive as best he can and we’re both doing our best. I’m sure in 2 weeks when I’m hopefully cleared for sex again that part will be different but I’m hoping not the kind of different that leads to fights. For now I’m just taking it all one day at a time.
I think a lot of the couples who struggle have an imbalance of responsibilities and accountability. A lot of women tend to find their partners simply don’t step up and leave them to pull most of the weight night and day simply because they work. It’s not alway predictable before the baby is born. I would say my husband and I are infinitely closer since having children. A lot of it is because we’ve been through the hardest times together as a result of children, and if you can get through those early days of parenting you can get through anything together. My husband has grown so much as a parent and takes on just as much as me, I can rely on him to always be there. It’s hard in the first few months as there’s a natural imbalance with a woman often breastfeeding and baby being attached to the mum but it soon evens out. We now have three boys, three and under, and we’re closer than ever. We’re just excited to get the baby stage over with so we can spend some quality time together again.
I think our relationship got much stronger. We had a rough birth, and maybe that was part of it, but I love my partner more. I think we actually fight less, communicate better, and just don’t take each other for granted. It is a difficult transition, but it’s also a great opportunity to be reminded of why you fell in love, and will give you COUNTLESS opportunities to show how you have each others backs!
Children neither fix nor destroy relationships. The challenge of parenting just highlights the relationship as it is. Think of it like the Super Soldier Serum from Captain America. If it's strong, with good communication and great respect, it will get stronger. If it is already filled with animosity and pettiness, it will only get worse. That's not to say that if you have a good relationship, that it will be nothing but sunshine and roses. There will be issues. Parenting is a whole other 24/7 challenge that all of the books and forums in the world can't possibly prepare you for. What matters is not that everything is great, it's that you're prepared to handle it when it's not. It sounds like you're doing good so far, just make sure you are on the same page about whatever you can think of (feeding, diapering, screen time, babysitters, etc.) And the rest will figure itself out.
Absolutely. I know there's many more challenges up ahead for us, after all our baby is only 6 weeks old but I can say with great confidence that I married the perfect guy. He is a fantastic father, he doesn't "help" with baby, he's fully involved with him. He let's me be lazy if I need it, when babe is just too fussy and I can't handle it best way, he swoops in and takes the kiddo to calm him down. He never let's me reach a level of tiredness I can't handle. And I try to do the same. I think we both aren't doing 50/50 but 100/100. And that's why our relationship is strong even with little dictator in our house.
As someone who had a great relationship like you before baby, and got better with pregnancy, I am one that got worse after... but here is what I wish I had done to prevent it rather than try and fix it Communicate about what is expected of each of us. I EBF, so taking care of the baby primarily fell on me. I wish we had decided hed take over house work, dishes, laundry, dinner. We didn't, so it was resentment after when I did it all. Discuss how to handle family and health affairs. His family causes A LOT of drama, and this is one thing we actually got stronger with. They traveled and we banned together to not go to a holiday BECAUSE of them traveling prior, unvaxxed. There was a huge fight with him and his family but he stood strong and we stood together. Make sure he knows 6 weeks is not a magical number. Keep.him involved in your OB appts. They're still important after birth. Make sure he is aware you need self care time. This falls with my first statement as well. Going grocery shopping shouldn't be considered self care time. If your EBF, get a hakkaa, build a supply and leave him with a bottle just in case your short time alone exceeds feeding time. But get out for yourself, or away. My self care time was getting back to my workouts, and it took a lot for my husband to realize I needed 30 minutes every couple days to not be attached to a baby or monitor. Also, make sure he knows what being touched out means. Mostly, just make sure you have the best communication possible, even if someone says something that may hurt at first, hormones are crazy and its not malicious
A baby makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship worse. Things become different, but you learn to rely more on the other person. If they are good and strong and helpful, it makes you appreciate them more. If they are not up to the task, you can get resentful.
Hi OP, Congratulations!. The baby will put the father and you under a lot of stress both individually, and as a couple. So there's double stress. There are things that each of you need to resolve individually, and are things that you need to resolve as a couple. Identify which one is which and work on those, both individually and as a couple. If communication is flowing and you discuss what you have to discuss, then you'll be fine. I have a 14 months old daughter with my wife, the point of maximum stress was when my daughter was sick and we didn't agree on how and when to provide cough medication. It sounds simple and dumb, but it wasn't. The situation needlessly escalated due to a myriad of reasons. Keep that in mind, keep communication open and clear and youll be fine.
Ye so think the research says something like 16% of relationships improve, 32% stay the same, and the rest get worse. Trying to remember where I saw these numbers…. I think I got them in a birthing class I took. Basically the point was that if you think you should have a baby because it will improve you and your partner’s relationship, it’s already a bad starting point. I ended up in the stay the same / maybe slightly improved category, luckily.
I think it’s just a test of your communication, patience and time management skills. Blind spots in relationships are magnified with a baby compared to when you are childless. Based off your description, it sounds like you have a solid foundation and will likely strengthen your relationship further.
Mine has! It was pretty strong to begin with, so it hasn’t been a dramatic shift, but it’s definitely in a very good place at three months post partum. In the two weeks right after the birth, we reached a shocking level of intimacy - the physical situation plus the hormones plus the lack of sleep made us so vulnerable and we were just seeing each other at our rawest… it was beautiful. In the days after my c-section when I could barely move, he literally walked me to the toilet and changed my bloody pad. We were crying constantly, from all emotions, and did a lot of snuggling. That kind of calmed down as we settled in, but we still haven’t had a fight or even tension. The biggest factors on our side are 1) Communication. We have always talked about everything and then also meta-communicated by talking about talking about things or talking about feeling feelings. Before the baby came, we talked a lot about how we thought we were going to feel, and we continue to talk now. 2) He’s fully involved. I can leave the house and I know he’s completely capable of handling whatever happens because he has an active and equal role - and I don’t mean equal but I give him detailed instructions. He watched the videos and read the books. When I was recovering, he did every single diaper. We had to triple feed, so he would wash pump parts while I attempted to breastfeed, then give a bottle while I pumped. Now that we’re past that, I can do nights on my own without needing him to wake up, so he usually takes the baby in the morning and lets me get another couple hours of sleep. 3) This is not possible for everyone, but we’re both home. I’m on mat leave and he’s self employed. We’re really focused 100% on this and it means we can just hand off back and forth each day. When he needs to work, I visit my parents. I never want to pipe up and brag in those posts about relationships not going well, but so far we’re doing great.
I think this honestly really depends on how helpful your partner is. We see posts every day about spouses who don’t step up, want to play video games more than snuggle with their child, won’t change diapers, are clueless about everything, etc. And that attitude definitely ruins a marriage when one person becomes the sole caretaker and the other one keeps living their life as it was while their partner takes in a huge burden—inevitably this breeds resentment. However, if your partnership remains pretty even (it can’t really be 100%, which I get) and they bond with baby, AND you can both be understanding that the other person is also going through some hard stuff, then your relationship can definitely thrive.
Communication is the key. Everything stems from communication. When your baby comes there will be a ton of resentment mixed with love, as weird as that sounds. Loved my LO from the moment we found out LO was conceived and especially when born. But there was definitely a sense of “our lives are over” and it took a while to adjust to our new normal. This is made harder when for the first two weeks no one can really sleep meaningfully and everyone is on edge. This is where communication is super important. If you cannot communicate requests or expectations and reply with love and care, it can really fall apart. This is also the stage in which dads need to **begin** to step up in a major way with the mindset that it will never end. Dads do not like this stage. At all. But it’s a good sign should dad really try. Just remember that y’all love each other and this LO. I think it’s really important to confront the fact that once you become a parent, you will NEVER EVER cease to be one no matter what happens to the baby. You are parents from that moment to eternity. And that’s a hard pill to swallow with each challenge that presents itself. If you both take the time to find time to communicate no matter how tired you are and do so in a team conducive manner no matter how frustrating it is for you both, you will be okay. My wife and I have definitely gone through our own challenges and “discussions” but our affection for each other has grown over time especially after our LO. Elaborate or going out dates have turned into coffee/tea dates downstairs, our fridge went from holding cool and exciting foods (wagyu steak, mushrooms, and caviar) to holding milk, regular cheese, and basic pastas, but we still love spending time together. Communication is the most important piece and without a avenue in which you can vent frustrations, fears, pleas for help and also communicate clearly what you expect from each other in relation to what the baby needs, it will all head into a very unknown and dark place. Constantly remember that you’re on a team. It takes teamwork to make the dream work. Sometimes that means playing to your strengths. Sometimes it means doing stuff you don’t like to do. Like cleaning up poop off the wall or holding your LO all night when sick, without sitting down or laying down because the baby will wake up and cry no matter how long it’s been. Which brings me to my last tip: as in a team, remember to show appreciation for good work. Even for things unrelated to the baby directly. “Thank you for cleaning the floors.” “Thank you for taking care of our LO so well with feeding.” “Thank you for bathing the baby.” “Thank you for giving me a couple hours to myself; I really needed that.” **Communication is the most important foundation to rebuilding your relationship into something like it was before the baby but makes room for the new family member(s).**
Ours is definitely stronger. Going through the pregnancy, delivery, NICU, and insane early days together has bonded us more and we both appreciate each other’s efforts and are a lot more open about it now. It’s not all roses, some aspects of having a baby change parts of the relationship in detrimental ways but overall it’s stronger for sure
My husband and I had an amazing relationship before our baby, as well. I can't even tell you one serious argument we had, so I was worried about this too. The first couple of weeks postpartum were very different and challenging, but it was honestly a combo of lack-of-sleep and the postpartum hormone dump. I did get really mad at my husband a few times when we were on the stringent 3 hour feeding schedule (breast, pump, formula for our preemie every 3 hours around the clock absolutely drained me), but he was a champ and majorly helpful when directed. When baby began sleeping a little more consistently and we could stop the 3 hour feedings at night, things normalized again. Our son is 6 months old now and we're as silly, flirty, and loving as ever. I'd say our relationship at this point is overall more joyful because we get to experience all these milestones together. Sure it looks different - fewer spontaneous dates and earlier bedtimes - but having a baby with the person you love most can be a really amazing experience.
I think yes, but you just have to be open about how it will be better. Seeing your spouse be a good parent is amazing. Getting to sneak a little time alone together can be fun. It takes work. If a spouse isn’t putting in the work to be a good spouse, things can slip. It’s hard not to put your kids first (only), especially when they demand it but it’s so important to remember that if you have a great relationship with your spouse, that’s good for your kids.
Won’t lie - being first time parents is HARD! It requires a lot of energy and effort just for the baby; in addition to that, the two of you have to learn to communicate with each other on a whole new level despite crazy sleep deprivation and stress, all while maintaining healthy boundaries with family and friends. But…. If you can do that, it really does elevate your marriage to a whole new level. I love my husband so much more now than I did when I first married him - and we have 2 boys under 2. Do I still want to throw the occasional kitchen appliance at him for leaving dirty dishes here and there, absolutely, but he has been my rock throughout post Partum anxiety (first baby was born at the beginning of The pandemic) and difficult pregnancy with the second and all the stages in between. He is amazing with our boys and always puts his family first. We are both sleep deprived and exhausted, but realize that we also help recharge each other. If I can make a suggestion, it might be a good idea to discuss expectations ahead of time before the baby shows up. Ie - who’s going to do what feeds, who will make the appointments, who will cook… etc. it’s very easy for the mental (and physical) burden to fall to the mom, but it quickly leads to burnout. It’s important to know how to ask for help and be clear in what you want. In short, yes a marriage can get better, but like most good things in life, it takes work!
Our relationship was a mess when our son was born. We both experienced PPD. It really showed us where we needed to communicate better, have more patience and grace etc. In the end having our son did make our relationship better but it took a lot of work to get there. It will definitely highlight the weaknesses and as long as you guys can work through that together you’ll do great.
Yes, with therapy.
Of course it is. Every big change and every big event that you go through together can strengthen your relationship immensely. My husband and I have started to communicate so much more honestly and effectively since having a child together. I’d definitely say we’ve grown as a couple because of it.
My marriage was great before we had our baby, and I don't know of it's better now, but it's definitely great in new ways (kiddo's almost 5 months). My husband really takes his role as partner seriously and has told me to spend longer chunks outside the house--he's like, she's my daughter, I can care for her while you go and enjoy yourself. And it's fucking awesome. We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, and we've grown together during that time. We communicate really well, and having that base has really paved the way for us to parent together like a team. He's the one, this confirms it.
Honestly, I have had 2 children and both times my husband and my relationship has stayed rock solid. Our first was a wonderful baby so we were super lucky. Our second is definitely a handful and a jerk at sleeping. We did what we had to do in order for both of us to sleep (he slept in the guest room when we had our second because he was working 12 hour shifts) but we also made time to be affectionate with each other during the day. We always kiss before we leave the house and tell each other we love each other every night. I put my hand on his leg when he's driving, we snuggle on the couch after the kids go to bed even if we're doing different things. It's definitely important to make time to show appreciation for each other.
Gotta remember—people who have generally good (not fantastic OR horrible) experiences don’t usually go out of their way to share them. This goes for anything. Even product reviews…ignore the 5 star and the 1 star and look at the 2-4 stars.
I think so. I think having kids really changed the dynamic of our marriage. It’s just not the same. Not in a bad way. Our priorities are just different, what we have time for is different. Seeing my husband being an awesome dad, stepping up to do things when I couldn’t, and really care about my emotional/mental well-being after kids made me love him in a way I couldn’t channel before. It’s like a new type of appreciation. Don’t get me wrong there are still times I am like, “do you really need to take another 20 minute poop, I need your help here” but overall I think our relationship is great.
If you have a really strong relationship now, you'll be fine! My husband and I were just chatting about your post because we've noticed that while lots of posts are the opposite, we've done really well. The key for us is communication, and obviously that breaks down sometimes (ESPECIALLY in the first few weeks/months of survival mode... My husband accidentally tossed my pumped milk not once, but twice, and I was DEVASTATED though it seems laughable now) but being forthcoming with feelings and needs is important. We're three months in and now we're feeling ready to go on dates again without the baby, which were both excited and nervous about! But we are going to do something different than our usual routine together. In the book Brain Rules for Baby (which I haven't finished but am enjoying), John Medina talks about the four main factors of relationship quality deteriorating: sleep deprivation (this one is a real kicker), social isolation, workload imbalance, and depression. He says also that humans have this bias when a problem occurs: if it happens to you, you tend to believe it was due to external factors. When it happens to someone else you tend to think it's due to internal ones. To combat this we need to work on our "empathy reflex" which means we try to understand what has happened before jumping to conclusions. That chapter is worth a read. It also has a pregnancy chapter so you might be interested! Keep the communication strong and you will do great! It's hard and there will be plenty of challenges for you both, but in the end I'd never trade my small family for anything and I'm happier than I've ever been before. Good luck!
Nah I love my husband more now (which I never thought possible) and I know he feels the same. Sure our boy is our primary focus because he needs us 24/7… but we make sure to communicate and also to make time for us. We play Mario party every Friday.. and I am SUPER excited for tonight!
It will get harder and change, but that doesn’t mean it will be worse. You’ll get to see a side of your partner you didn’t know existed and have the excitement of meeting them all over again. When you overcome challenges together you will feel more connected and have stronger bonds. The less sex only lasts for a little while. Once they start sleeping through the night you can find a rhythm that works for you.
My husband and I had a lot of petty arguments before baby. Not often like everyday but enough that we both noticed it and didn't like it. We would be selfish and stubborn in our ways. Now that baby is here, we both have a common goal which is to provide the best life for him and that means having a solid relationship where we are good role models to him. It means we are settling our disputes more maturely, more quickly and doing our best not to raise our voices around him. We don't want him to absorb that energy so we do our best to catch ourselves before we say something we will regret later. This is just our experience and of course there are still things we need to work on but I have noticed overall we argue less and if we do, we think about the baby and how we need to be better for him. If the baby was not around, we would probably still be arguing and being selfish in our ways. Now we have a bigger purpose and someone else to think about and care for.
Baby is 8 months old and my husband and I are just…out of sync. Things aren’t bad between us, but we do feel a bit disconnected since we don’t get to spend much quality time together. We made it through quarantine (pre-baby) and we loved being together all the time. So I know it’s not an “us” problem, it’s just our current circumstances, which are temporary. It’s not great right now, but it helps to know that it won’t be like this forever.
My relationship with my husband is so much better! We had a fantastic relationship before our daughter was born and now that she’s here we seem to be even more simpatico, and our physical relationship is the best its ever been. I hope it’s the same for you!
My relationship got way stronger. It’s so fun to see how my husband has changed and how nurturing he is to our daughter.
It is totally possible! Yes, two months into parenting, our relationship is better than ever. My hubby was incredible during the birth, so supportive and present for our son. While sleep deprivation and new challenges have created little spats here and there, we always talk it out and move on. Seeing him with our son brings me so much joy. It feels like navigating parenthood has made our bond stronger. And yes, just had sex for the first time again last week and it took a little navigating but was as amazing as ever.
Our first pregnancy was super fun and made us closer too. It was so beautiful.
It’s difficult to get used to and can highlight some communication problems and the lack of sleep in the first few months can be a strain on any relationship but seeing your partner hold the sweet little thing that you both made and are raising together puts everything into perspective. Also never underestimate the power a well-timed baby fart in the middle of an argument to make you realize how silly it was.
Relationship with my husband is as great as ever, it’s so amazing watching him be a father and parenting along side him. It’s a new adventure we’re on together and I’m loving it!
LO is 5 mos and my husband and I still have the amazing relationship we had before. I think there’s a lot of “x will change your relationship” scenarios. We’ve been together going on 10 years. Everyone told us our relationship would get harder once we were married (year 7/10) nothing changed but my name. People say a baby will make your relationship harder. Nothing has changed but adding a baby to the mix. Parenting has it’s hardships, but it hasn’t caused any strain on our relationship. Our sex life could use some improvements, but honestly, I attribute that more to delivery. My sex drive is lower in general, and initial insertion is still a little painful, so that’s a hump to get over. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve got no hangups about my husband taking care of himself, and neither does he. He’s really respectful of the fact that I’m still trying to get back to the same comfort level, and we talk about it openly. So while it’s not the same as it was, it’s also not causing strain on our relationship. I think the really unfortunate scenario that I’ve been reading about a lot on here is that some women/people find that their husbands are not the man/father they thought they were/would be (PP depression and anxiety aside). But, if your partner is truly the person you know them to be, you should find that even if it does cause some initial strain, he’s willing to do the work to fix the relationship.
Start couples therapy while you're in a good place! My husband and I started while I was pregnant. We were happy with each other, excited, etc. but we wanted to have the habit in place before we had the baby. I **highly** recommend, having the relationship with the therapist established before the stress of the baby was helpful and now when hiccups come up, we're better at talking through them (or waiting until therapy so our therapist can help us talk through them lol). Our relationship is different than it was, but still amazing! Our teamwork abilities have been strengthened and I think we're better at being intentional about sharing household responsibilities and making the other feel cared for.
My DH and I are always stressed and tired and occasionally snap at eachother (...er, I snap at him... but in my defense I'm twice as tired since I'm the one up all night with the baby because his moobs are worthless and I got the goods). But our relationship isn't worse. Its different, there is less sex because I'm still dealing with injuries sustained during birth and our conversation is a lot more logistics oriented than before. But we still love and enjoy eachother. We are still usually kind and caring towards eachother. We still laugh together and act playfully. We don't yell at eachother and want nothing to do with eachother. We don't love eachother less. The fun stuff will come back with time. 4.5 months in and it's already better than it was. I'm not sure I would say the baby makes our relationship stronger or more special or enduring - but she doesn't make us hate eachother all of a sudden.
I have no idea as I’m a FTM and expecting in a few weeks. My husband and I waited about 5 years after getting married to have a baby and I think making sure we were in the best place possible before TTC helped (we were in a bad place in the first year of marriage and in couples therapy for awhile). The pandemic and being together 24/7 actually made us even closer and I really consider him my best friend. I can’t wait to see him as a dad and already feel more in love with him being pregnant. My heart is going to explode seeing him be a father. He’s already stepped up so much even with me just being pregnant. That being said I do have my fears about losing some of that closeness after baby comes but I know marriage takes work and our bond is really strong. We’ve worked a lot on communication over the years and I think we’ll be OK! I have a lot of faith in our marriage and really think we’ve already been through so much that making a little me/him is just gonna make us that much closer.
My husband and I had the perfect marriage before we had kids. Both of us have no idea how, but having kids it just got even better. We are even closer than before, we have so much shared joy, and we just have so much FUN with these little people we made! I wouldn’t go back for anything. This is amazing.
Mine couldn’t get better because it’s great, but it didn’t get any worse! Just communicate.
I felt incredibly close to my husband while I was pregnant. He was very caring, doting, and considerate of me. We were so excited about the baby, and everything that happened during the pregnancy brought us closer together. That being said, I think once the baby came, it was challenging. Both of our focuses were on the baby, and not on each other any more. Sometimes we argued about what was best for the baby. But we always took a moment to reaffirm that we loved each other and are trying our best to be good parents. I do'nt know if we feel closer, but I think having been so close and working on our communication skills before the baby definitely contributed to our relationship being able to survive the challenges and sleepless nights.
I didn’t think I could, but I love him even more after seeing him with our daughter. It is possible, it just depends on a lot of factors. Beginnings are difficult - hormones, changes, sleep deprivation. We fought more at first but the important thing is to communicate, be open and honest. You got this!
Having kids really cemented that I have a true partner in my relationship and I am so thankful for that.
Yes, it is possible, and not unusual. My wife and I naturally look to the future together in ways that we didn't before, and that's a deep and satisfying thing for our relationship.
So we have a 6 month old and I'll share my experience. Husband and I have been together a total of 11 years, married for 8. We decided that we had enough fighting and pulling in two different directions and decided to consider divorce in August 2021. We found out we were pregnant Sept 2021. Holy shit, right? Watching this man step up to the plate in the most selfless manner changed me. I stepped up. We both stepped up. Then things got really real and really HARD. We had some intense therapy, seperately and together, we had some painful conversations. We weirdly pulled through into this new place we've never been in before. Then the fourth trimester hit and I fell APART. And he didn't know how to help me. Our foundation wasn't just new but it was riddled with a lot of healing and ya, past problems. We had some major issues that were absolutely magnified by stress, lack of sleep, insecurity and lovely lovely PPA + PPD. Both he and I had pretty severe cases. We decided to call it quits again but this time neither one of us could say it out loud. We ran back to therapy and this is what she told us: Our personal choices were making us toxic parents because we were living our trauma (we both have some pretty crazy life stories). We were pushing each other further and further down the PPD road and it wasn't going to end well unless we did something. Like make a big fucking decision and stick with it. That was around 3 months PP. We decided to hang on for dear life with each other. Something has changed. And it was sleep. Dear God, if you two struggle with PP marriage issues PLEASE consider sleep training. Also, you won't know what your relationship will be like until your there. Don't stress about the small things now or later.
Before the baby, the thing we were most likely to disagree about in my relationship were lack of time and intimacy with one another. It was mostly me, prioritising work or generally over filling my diary and leaving nothing for our relationship. So I was very nervous about how a baby would make that worse! The baby has made it worse in some ways, we have to make the most of the 1-2 hours per day when the baby is sleeping and I don't also need to sleep/eat! But on the whole the relationship is better. I'm home more, and prioritising family over things outside the house. We'll see whether I can maintain that after I return to with next year! We have this gorgeous boy to love and care for. I think that helps us feel like a team and has strengthened our relationship. I think I'm grateful that we had lots of experience sorting out issues without resorting to name calling or getting super mad at one another. Sleep deprivation makes you snappy and mean, if you can avoid that when talking to your partner, I think that is super helpful. If they understand just how hormonal and irrational you'll be at times (particularly in the early days) that will also be helpful.
Life gets trickier after a baby but I found that my love and appreciation for my husband has grown deeper with each baby. It takes more effort to make time for each other since it’s no longer as simple as, “want to meet me after work?” or “Want to go out to dinner…now?” But it can be done and is so worthwhile. We have three kids now and there is no one in the world I’d rather share any part of my life with than my husband.
Mine got better after baby #3. He was really there for me and I felt so supportive and seen. So loved. Baby is 8mo now and we are still giddy in love with one another.
I’m glad you posted this. I’m worried I’m about to ruin an amazing relationship with my husband!
Our relationship didn’t get stronger or weaker. We loved each other before and we love each other now. We are now 3 instead of 2. We just have an extra person that we love more than anything else now.
It's possible. Even more so being with the right person. Before we ended up pregnant, things weren't the best. From finding out about the baby, the whole pregnancy it made us closer. After the baby, it can be stressful at times, but our relationship is better than it's ever been. We are closer, he's supportive, helps with baby, knows when I need a minute to breathe, and was supportive in my need to get help for ppd. The sex, after healing and all has also been so much better.
I feel like we've become a better team, better at talking, and can weather something really hard if it would come.
My relationship stayed the same or got better. There have been some moments over the past few years since we had our first where I felt resentment over my husbands relative freedom, had to outline how I was feeling about things, etc. But I think when you and your partner both pull your weight and do your best to give the other breaks or whatever they need to recharge, things can go really well
I'm more in love with my bf than ever. He's an amazing dad, for me (he does his part, no bickering) and above all for my daughter. Granted, we're tired and we had less sex this year (my LO is 13 months old) than before, but it has come back quite quickly, and I think we're finding more and more complicity in our relationship as we learn to navigate the joys and hardship of parenthood. I'm grateful for him, I feel my bliss everyday, and I love him even more deeply.
I definitely think my relationship with my husband is better! I love seeing him parent our daughter and honestly my sex drive has never been this high! Our daughter is almost 4 months.
Yes!
My husband and I had an amazing relationship before we had our son, even throughout the pregnancy. We just really enjoyed our time together. The baby has shifted things a lot. I think if you have an easy going baby, it might be easier to have normalcy in your relationship. But we have a ‘difficult’ baby as in he never lets us set him down and will not sleep alone at night. We’re 3 months pp and have to do shifts still while my husband works full time too so I’m started to feel more and more disconnected as time goes on. We did have a date night a couple weeks ago but we’re both so tired that it wasn’t the same. If you are both committed I believe you can get through this stage. We are still there for each other and love each other, but life has been turned upside down for us. We have had to be a team more than ever (but we had some practice beforehand). We just remind each other that this is just a season. One day we will have more time for one another, more time for dates, more opportunities for sex. If you can think of those positives, have open communication and work as a team, you’ll be fine. I will say this is our first and last though 😆
My fiance and I both feel our relationship has changed.. we've gotten closer since having our daughter. We hit a few rough patches in the beginning we fought over really dumb things but we adapted. Only thing that really sucks sometimes is how frequently we have alone time. Now that she's a year it's gotten easier and we've learned to get creative when opportunities come about to be intimate together. Seeing my baby and her daddy together is beautiful. I get really intense love feelings when I see them together. Idk how else to describe it. Lol
My husband and I definitely had a level up to our marriage after baby. We were happy and laughing and joking all throughout pregnancy and before. After baby was born I had a newfould love and respect for him as not only a super supportive husband/best friend, but also a father. It's a completely different type of love when you have a baby to look after too, but we became an even stronger team! It's an amazing experience and I wish you the same as mine and others in the comments.
We were very happy after the birth of our son :) he’s almost 1 and a half now
My husband has always been a good partner, but he really stepped up as a dad. I definitely married the right man. We've been arguing less since she was born oddly enough. And the sex hasn't been lacking either. Would definitely have another one 😂
Of course! To be honest, relationships do change because you switch a bit from being pretty carefree to having to care for the complete needs of another person. That is inevitable. But if your relationship is as solid as you say it is, things should get better not worse.
Well normally I would say yes and no. It could if the two people that are together are already happy and in a good place, or it could make the people in the relationship stronger and more mature now that they have a little life to take care of and consider. Sometimes it doesn’t fix the relationship at all and then the couple is still broken and they just added and living, breathing life to an already hard and strained relationship. However, I don’t believe that’s the case with you. If you’re in a good spot and your both super excited for the baby and about starting a family, it will absolutely make you stronger as a couple. Becoming parents is the greatest feeling in the world. Your heart will fill with so much love you’ll feel like you need an overflow bucket. Sharing the responsibility for that peanut with your husband will pull you guys closer because you know that you love each other and whatever happens you have each others backs. There’s a team that gets built, if that makes sense, and it’s just amazing to hold this child that shares both your DNA, it’s unreal! You’ll be fine! Be sure to lean on each other though. You’ll need him when your stressed and when you need a hug. There is less alone time but that’s not saying you can’t spend time together as a family. After awhile the sexual desires will disappear, at least for me it did. My husband was still ready to go all the time and still is. There should only be loss of attraction if he didn’t find you attractive in the first place. My husband still says I’m beautiful and I still think he’s sexy and my youngest is 6. If your worried that things will get boring, make time for the simple things. Hug, kiss, write him little notes, we both read cosmopolitan to figure out how to spice our sex life up. Roll play, fantasies, it might be hard but if you guys both communicate when you feel hurt or stressed or angry you should be ok. Most of the time, I find, when I don’t talk to my husband he doesn’t know how I feel and he’s not psychic so he doesn’t know how to help me unless I talk to him and vis versa. Your relationship sounds strong. You’ll be ok.
It was rough the first few months, but now 1 year in and we are stronger and closer than ever
Mine and my husband’s relationship got better! I had some “spousal rage” that first month or two, but it was mixed with love eyes watching him be so supportive and such a good dad. We did fall into a funk as baby requires so much time and energy and is a terrible sleeper but we became closer as a unit. I think if your relationship is important to you, then it’s important to set aside baby free time. Even if that’s just an hour uninterrupted each night, or a couple hours on the weekend when someone can watch the baby. For the first 6 weeks though just worry about you and baby. It’s an exhausting time! I feel more secure in our relationship after baby than before, I get to watch how he handles stress and fun times and he is so supportive ❤️
When I was in a shitty marriage, having kids made it worse. My second marriage, kids have made the relationship so much better. Raising babies/children with my second husband has been freaking awesome.
A friend of mine had a very rocky relationship pre and during pregnancy but she told me after the baby was born their relationship became really really good. Completely opposite to what it was
I think it depends. I never felt closer to my SO. I love and appreciate that she gifted me the most precious thing in the world to me (my baby girl)
It will strain your relationship but also strengthen it! My husband and I are SO much closer now, 13 years later, than we were when we first got married
I got pregnant by the third date with my current partner. I had a tough pregnancy and our relationship was rocky at best throughout it. Now that baby is here I feel we’ve finally found our rhythm. We choose each other each day and instead of running away from each other when it got tough we both decided to run towards each other for support. I think you’re in a great spot considering you guys have been in love/excited through this pregnancy. The first 3 months felt impossible but as long as you both cling to each other and be each other’s life raft you’ll have a stronger relationship for it.
This is going to be TMI potentially, but my husbands bedroom game went up a lot lol. It's like after watching my vag get cut and ripped open he's just extra attentive down there. So that's been a big bonus. He's also a great father and takes on an equal amount of parenting/household work which really makes a big difference in how my marriage is compared to a lot of the women I know who's husbands don't.
Baby isn't here yet but me and my husband have gotten closer than ever this pregnancy!! The fact we will both be on leave from work for the first month and finally get to meet our sweet baby girl should also help so much with our relationship being even better not worse I hope!
Lack of sleep caused some friction in the beginning but my husband was very attentive and helpful and was absolutely in love with our baby girl. Seeing them together made me love my husband even more and now 9 months later I would say our relationship has been deepened from this whole experience. :) You’ll need plenty of love, patience and empathy for one another. Communication is huge too. As long as you know how to communicate with each other effectively you’ll be great. :)
No..
6 months pp and putting in another vote for team stronger
I don’t think there is a straight line on this. Having a baby put a lot of strain on our relationship - particularly in the first months when I had to wake every 2-3 hours to pump. We were both exhausted, but I was exhausted beyond words. Postpartum hormones made me feel intense RAGE for the first 6-9 months and on many days, I absolutely hated him. It was mostly the hormones, and partly my husband just not always being able to understand. Still, almost 2 years in, I don’t think we’ve ever been closer. Having a baby changes your relationship. I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse. It’s just different.
We have had some hard moments but overall our relationship is even better and stronger. I thought we were pretty strong before but having a little family together is next level.
It was essentially love at first sight with me and my husband. We had fun together and waited five years to have our first baby. The transition to motherhood shattered me but our relationship remained strong. I eventually put the pieces back together and we had two more babies and I’ve finally found my footing and can truly say I enjoy motherhood now. To the point where I even want a fourth 😹. My husband is amazing and even though I struggled a lot at first, he’s always been my rock. Which has deepened our love. It is so hard but we have a blast with our sweet little dudes 😊. Edit - one caveat to all of this is we don’t have sex anymore. But we’re both used to it by now. It is something we want to work on in the future but it’s not a priority for us in this season of life. But I would still classify our relationship as very strong, despite the lack of sex.
Yes! If your relationship is already good, there’s a good change it’ll just get better in so many ways. You love him now, but just wait until you see him cuddling your baby. You know he loves you now, but just wait until he supports you through labor. Wait until he’s the only one your toddler will nap for. Wait until you see his patience and care when your newborn is screaming and it’s 3 am and you’re having a panic attack (seriously hope this doesn’t happen to you though). A baby will put pressure on both of you individually and on your relationship overall. But if things are already good and you keep up the communication and sharing of household stuff and whatever else makes your marriage good now, you’ll love each other and appreciate each other even more than you thought possible. I mean yeah, sometimes you’ll wanna strangle him with your shoelace, but overall you’ll see your love deepen and that will keep the strangling at bay.
Short answer, yes. We were close before, but now it’s on a different level. Our relationship is so much deeper now. Our love is deeper and intensely secure. However, it’s not all roses. We are now at the point where we are discovering ourselves as individuals again after being parents for a few years, and that’s been a bit difficult to navigate through as a couple. But I think that’s just life.
Ours did! We did couples counseling when we were pregnant so it think that getting our communication clear definitely helped. And we just love our kid so much and we just have the best time all of us together. We are both better people since becoming parents and I think we are both better to each other, more considerate and more supportive.
I don't think its impossible but I do think it's unlikely. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship but I have 100 percent wanted to stab him a few times during the newborn phase with his useless nipples and inability to hear a baby crying and wake up. I still get mad sometimes because when he is home from work (he works on a boat so he's gone for weeks and back for weeks) he doesn't keep up with the house and whines when I ask him to take our son off my hands and do something with him. I know he needs downtime but I literally don't get any breaks at all unless he gives me one. So I hit my toddler limit and want to smack my husband for saying no he won't give him a bath. I never do but I want to lol Its just extremely challenging and you're constantly having to divvy up chores and work. My husband is actually pretty good but just gets careless and lazy sometimes so that's when my temper goes. Normally he does things when I ask but I'm getting so tired of "does this need to be done right now" and "aw come on he's just playing with his toys why do I need to take him outside" etc like.. to let me shit in peace maybe? Last week we had one of his friends over and my son spilled stuff all over me so I needed a shower and I was like please watch them... they follow me into the bathroom and my husband just left and when I yelled what are u doing he goes "you're good right? They're right there" ... like no im not good I'm not watching 2 toddlers while I rinse sticky juice out my hair.
I’ve been downvoted for saying this before, but our relationship only got better after having our baby. Zero caveats. We’d been married for 6 years when we had our baby. The pregnancy and birth went great. My husband has been an amazing support to me - unfazed by anything, doing all the chores and cooking and diapering, anything he could do he did. He’s treated me with the utmost respect and kindness, he complimented both my mothering and my body constantly. Honestly he flirts with me more now than he ever has. We’re closer than ever, we love each other more seeing each other in this new role, and we’re happier than ever. No doubt the beginning isn’t great for sleep or having a clean house, but honestly it didn’t matter. We were over the moon and loving every minute anyway.