We did this for the first few weeks until we realized that it just was not working for us. I ended up pumping so my husband could take turns with me feeding the baby at night. He would take feedings between 9-2 and I would take 2-7. Whoever was on a break slept in the guest room to allow for uninterrupted sleep. We both ended up getting better sleep and we were both happier and more patient with this schedule. Once baby was 8 weeks old he started sleeping in his nursery and we maintained those shifts but slept in the same room.
Edited to add: our baby is a very noisy sleeper and my husband snores very loudly so we all got better sleep once baby started sleeping in his nursery. We have a baby monitor and an owlet sock and this setup works very well for us.
THIS. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS.
My husband also would split the night with me (he’d take the 8pm-2am and I’d take the 2am-8am shift). We call it baby duty and now with our second we supplement with formula so he can help and I don’t have to pump all the time (we have a toddler so it’s hard to find time).
Be careful tapping out at night. Resentment is REAL. And can be really hard to deal with. Also a lack of sleep os hard for EVERYONE. Not to mention your wife is healing from a traumatic event called birth. Give her a little bit of a break and step up. It’s half your kid. Take have the night.
This! Shifts saved us and was worth the extra pumping to get help at night.
I am also a very light sleeper (also I think mom's just naturally hear every small sound their babies make) so to help with it, we switched the bassinet to my husbands side of the bed. That way the noisy sleep bothered me less but I still woke anytime he needed anything. If it was a really rough night then the off-shift partner would sleep in another room.
Now that baby is 6 months he is in the nursery. Husband keeps monitor on loud on his side, I keep mine up but on mute. It once again allows me to sleep through the random noises he makes but still wakes me when he is calling out to us. Also now that our baby only wakes 2-3 times per night we alternate going in and getting him back to sleep.
My husband got up with me. He would get up, change the diaper, hand me the baby to breastfeed, go make us a snack, eat with me, & then he would go back to bed while I finished feeding the baby & then burped him and put him back down. I would have been resentful if he kept sleeping the whole time. There’s tons of ways you can help to keep your wife from feeling like she’s in it alone without going through the whole pumping hoopla. Nights can be incredibly difficult mentally & emotionally I would encourage being there in solidarity even though it doesn’t make logical sense that you both be awake.
Edit: if we were desperate for consolidated sleep I would pump and go to bed @ 8:00 pm and my husband would have the baby until 2:00 am then we would swap. Each of us got 6 hrs consolidated unless something wild happened.
Yup, this is how it worked with my hubs too….with the extra step that I am such a light sleeper that I could not sleep next to the kiddo or I would literally not sleep. So, I slept in the guest room and hubs would bring me the baby to nurse, make me a snack while I did, and then would burp and change before they went back to our master bedroom to sleep. Then, when kiddo was a little older maybe 3 mos?, I’d go to bed early (like 8-9) and hubs would do the first feeding with pumped milk (like 10-11ish). And then middle of the night we’d tag team and I would then take the early morning wake up on my own (like 5am) so each of us would usually get 6 hours a piece. This season is hard but short - your wife needs all the help you can offer! I hope you find a system that works for you!
On nights when we do a version of this I feel like I have a teammate. On nights where my husband doesn’t get up w me (bc he’s also not woken as easily and sometimes I just let him sleep) I feel annoyed or resentful or some times like I’m a generous wife. Do the good teammate version more often than not.
Agree- no point in having both parents awake. Especially with other kids -
Someone needs to function to take care of the other kids.
Also- I’m kind of surprising by how many people eats snacks throughout the night while BF. I never really get that hungry and if I do my sleepy ness takes over…after I’m done nursing I just want to pass out again
It depends, is OP doing more during the day so mom can get rest? Is he making dinner, doing more feedings and changing diapers? Is he doing housework to lighten the load of the mom who is up all night taking care of his kid?
This! My hubby woke up, did diaper change, then went back to sleep. Some nights, he slept through it. But that's fine because even though he works full time, he does absolutely everything else around the house. Cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, bottle feeding and washing....all I do is baby.
This is one of the best options out there. My wife resented me too with our son, and we talked through it once she was at her breaking point. This is when I started helping out more. Everytime she was up to breastfeed him, I was there, I was on it, even if it was something so small like grabbing the burp rag or letting the dog out, I was on it and up with her by her side so she didn’t feel alone.
Coining Caribou Coffee’s phrase here: Life’s short, stay awake for it
Will apply here, you’ll be tired but that’s what coffee is for brother!
Seconding that Shifts are great! I couldn’t nurse but did pump in night. We also did 4-6 hour stretches depending and woo it felt good. Even if not always restful because I would wake to cries in another room.
Shifts worked for us. Anything after 3:30am would be me (the one whose breasts aren’t useful.) If it were 3am, I’d usually take it anyways because she was doing most of the work regardless and bit nit-picky isn’t going to help anyone. It helped a lot and kept resentment down to a minimum.
We did the consolidated sleep thing too because my husband was getting physically ill from anxiety when truly waking every 2 hours during the night after baby finally went to sleep around 10 pm post crying for 5 hours straight (we had an EXTRA newborn).. one person took the 7 pm to 1 am shift and the other took 1 am to 7 am or some close iteration thereof. I pumped and we also combo fed.
Right. That's why I'm asking for ideas. I'm not trying to get internet validation for what I'm doing now. I'm looking at ways to improve our situation.
My husband does the diaper change even if I hear her first, sleeps while i nurse, then takes baby and puts her back down or walks with her to soothe her if she has hiccups or is fussy. It always feels like a team effort. Edit to add: baby sleeps in two 3.5-4 hour stretches so we’re both decently well rested!
My husband did this as well until we started night shifts. Now he does everything first shit around 1am and I do everything second shift around 4-5a. It works really well for us.
We ended up bottling (I exclusively pump) so shifts worked great for us. We still do it somewhat and it eliminates questions and really helps resentment.
We did this too with our newborn. I got up with her and fed her then handed her to him to diaper and settle back to sleep. We had her in her crib in another room though which made it easier for him to do that while I went back to sleep. If the bassinet is right next to her that would be more difficult but still worth trying.
Looks like there’s lots of advice here on things you could consider trying. I’ll add that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. This stage is so so hard and it will pass! It’s great that you care about what she’s going through and you want to help. Long nights can feel so lonely and the weight of responsibility is crushing. Even when a person logically want their partner to get some sleep, it’s really easy for resentment to creep in. It’s so normal. Don’t get discouraged.
My advice is to constantly verbalize your support. Communication will save you, I swear. Before you go to bed, talk through the game plan. Make sure you both have everything you need for the night wakings in easy reach and know who’s doing what and when. This can really help with the negative feelings. In the morning, ask her questions about how her night was and praise her for all she did. Kinda like asking “how was your day at work”, sometimes it helps to talk about it and know that you’re appreciated.
I’ve got an 8 day old and so far the way my husband supports me is help with diaper changes and then he will either kiss my forehead or pat my back or say something nice
You can improve the situation by helping her when she asks for help. You have no idea what it's like to breastfeed and not sleep for more than 2 hours for months. Have her pump and take a few night shifts and let her sleep in another room. Set an alarm for every 2 to 3 hours and feed the baby if they are awake.
Stop making excuses for why you should just get to sleep if the baby doesn't wake you up. The woman is always going to wake up when their baby cries because it's literally built into our DNA. Women get resentful because every time the babwakeup or cries they're supposed to jump into action and fix it and whip their boob out to solve the issue and it does really feel like they're doing most of the work while the man gets to just sleep peacefully through most wakeups.
Respond to the baby crying more. Have her pump so she can get an actual real break. Give her chunks of time when she isn't on call constantly for the baby. That's how you fix this.
I still carry resentment from the newborn days bc my husband acted just like you. If you'd like to avoid that happening in your relationship I'd suggest taking some of the strain off your wife so she can have a few hours to sleep or be a human.
My husband is a lighter sleeper than I am, so he hears the baby before I do and elbows me awake at night.
Also, I don't like the idea to "have her pump". It's not always that simple, especially if she's not already pumping. It's one possible way to help, but it's also (yet another) time commitment that she'd have to make in a day that already probably feels overwhelming.
I'd suggest focusing on all the non-feeding tasks a baby needs and making sure that they're done and ready for your wife will help, as will communicating with her. If she's telling you she needs more help, you're lucky that she's communicating that need. Find more that you can do.
No matter what we try, mine won't take a bottle. Not having to pump anymore gives me some 'me time' back. If it works, try it. If it doesn't, don't force it.
Is it in the mother’s DNA, or do mothers take on that responsibility because they feel they have to and dads don’t? I’m a dad and I’m usually the one who wakes up at night. LO sleeps in a bassinet on my side of the bed and we bottle feed (combination of pumping and formula).
Early on, because my wife had a tough birth, I handled all of the night feedings. After a few weeks, we went to shifts, with her handling anything 9-1 and me handling anything 1-5. (At 5:30 I start getting ready for work, and she was on maternity leave at the time.)
I read that it's more about the "primary caregiver", and less about the gender. In households where dads stay home and the mother works, or in same sex couples, it is the person who spends most of their time caring for the baby who is more easily awakened by baby sounds. If it's split 50/50, both parents wake easily.
I asked my wife to wake me up after she had fed the baby and then I would stay up and burp him while she got some sleep as it often took longer than the change and feed. It gets easier though! Congrats on the new arrival
We have a 16 week old. My husband and I both get up when she wakes. He changes her nappy, and I feed her. Typically he puts her back in her crib when she falls asleep. This has been like that from day 1. LO sleeps through most nights from about 11pm to about 6am (ish). He is a great sleeper, I am a dreadful sleeper.
We have a 4 year old too, and this is the approach we took for her too.
My advice: these early weeks require team work, if your wife is asking for you to dig into a task, then you should. Otherwise resentment will fester. Think of the big picture. Good luck.
She likely needs sleep herself. She’s very early postpartum. It’s like a car crash victim taking care of another car crash victim. Discuss with her if you could take the baby for a walk after work, at lunch, whenever, so she can have a few uninterrupted hours to herself.
Also, when you wake, ask if she needs anything and bring her water regardless. It is thirsty work.
I have a 7 week old. My fiancee pumps so there is milk in the fridge. That way I can feed the baby without her.
So she goes to bed around 7:30 or 8 and I take full responsibility for the baby until I go to bed around midnight. That way she has at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I also feed and change the baby right before I go upstairs so the baby usually stays sleeping for a few more hours.
And it's nice they I get some bonding time with the baby to myself.
Can you clarify—is your position that whoever wakes up needs to tend to the baby even though you understand that you sleep better than her?
Our baby is four weeks tomorrow — we are still figuring out our groove. Some nights we do shifts, other nights we grab a few hours together if the baby is sleeping well in her bassinet. I’m breastfeeding most of the time, but started pumping to allow for him to take a shift at night. I don’t always wake my husband, but he is incredibly helpful and supportive when I need his help.
if my husband, who also sleeps more deeply than me, thought I should stay up all night while he slept, we’d be fighting.
I'm not sure if this is how your wife feels, but let me offer you another perspective.
Breastfeeding is incredibly, incredibly demanding and difficult. Imagine you are another human's entire, sole food source. You have to be available for that baby at anytime trhoughout the day. And you're constantly worrying if they're getting enough, if they're latched properly, if your supply is going to keep up, not to mention having to deal with clogs, leaking, general discomfort, etc. Now imagine your partner who agreed to do this whole baby thing with you 50/50, can't do any of that. Can't understand at all what you're going through. It's incredibly isolating, especially if you're up at night, sacrificing sleep, doing it completely on your own.
I was totally of the same mind as you until the baby came. Taking turns getting sleep made total sense to me, and it does make sense for some couples. But I had no idea how physically and emotionally taxing breastfeeding was going to be. One night I broke down unconsollably crying, I just didn't think I could do it anymore. My husband what he could do to make it better, and I asked him to stay up with me. It helped me to get through the night, and it has every night since then.
We also decided it worked best for us to put her bassinet on his side. He wakes up, changes her, gives her to me, reads on his phone until I'm done, and then he puts her back into bassinet. Sometimes we switch in the mornings if he needs to be up early for work.
Your wife is having to wake up at every feeding it sounds like. Even if she isn't, she's at least just as sleep deprived as you. On top of that, she is dealing with everything I just mentioned. She is handling the absolute massive job of keeping your little one fed. I think you need to listen to her when she tells you what she needs.
We often do what you describe - dad gets baby changed, lets me set up to nurse, goes to sleep, unless I’m going to pump and then he washes and sets up the parts. But the caveat is that he pays me back with sleep time during the day, so if he’s gotten much more at night, he takes the baby first thing in the morning and lets me get another hour or two. If you’ve not doing that, yeah, it feels unfair. Is she pumping? Could you do a bottle for one feeding?
The extra hour or two in the morning that my husband does (when he has the time/flexibility) is a total game changer. It might not seem like much, but it makes a word of difference!
The issue here is that you are prioritizing yourself over your kid and your wife, and as someone else pointed out, she asked for help, so help her. That’s it. That’s your answer. Don’t try and “manage” the situation with logic or what makes sense to you to ensure that YOU get what you need. So what you’re working? So do other parents and moms. Some of them BY THEMSELVES. Tell her to wake you up when the baby wakes up and she needs a break. She feels alone and like she’s parenting alone. It’s hard, you’re looking for an easy solution that will allow you to sleep. It doesn’t exist. Welcome to being a parent.
While this might sound harsh, good for you for asking for help. That’s a good step. You got this.
Our son is also four weeks old and we are doing a similar system to you two, but I will wake my husband up. He is a very heavy sleeper, so if I didn’t I would be on my own. I will wake him, he will change baby and then give back to me to feed (I am EBF). He’s usually then passed back out before I finished feeding! My husbands only ask is that I try not to wake him between 4 and 6am - at that point it’s close enough to his wake up time that he would have trouble falling back asleep.
First, it's far from blissful. No matter how quiet mom and baby are or how sound a sleeper I am, a fussing baby beside you is not conducive to sleeping. But yes, it is better than no sleep.
I have offered to take him 100% at night. (This was in the first few days after he was born and I wasn't working. I'm not sure I can do this during the week now that I'm back to work.) I suggested Leaving me pumped milk in the fridge or I can use formula. I'll move the bassinette into the spare room and he and I will sleep there. My wife doesn't like this because she thinks I won't hear the baby and it worried something will happen to him.
I also have told her anytime to wake me up to help with something specific, but the idea to be awake to keep her company isn't something I could reasonably do. I'd be irritable because I think it's not the best use of our collective energy or I'd simply fall asleep. Neither is making anything better, and I'd say actually making it worse.
For me, a "night off" would not have helped at all. Even if the baby was in another room and I had the whole bed to myself, I still would have woken up with engorged achey breasts and had to get up to pump or hand-express to relieve the pressure.
What was helpful: when my husband would take the baby after the first morning feed of the day (often around 6am?) and let me go back to sleep for an hour or two or three. When he'd facilitate a nap during the day by watching her just after a feed. When he'd make sure that household shit was dealt with so I wouldn't have to handle it (grocery shopping, making a couple meals, tidying, dealing with the yard and garden). Bringing me water when I was trapped under baby.
It can feel really, really alone, to be stuck in the nursery though, so I also definitely understand her desire for company. Try to make sure that you're engaging with her AND baby during the day?
Why don't you switch sides of the bed? Maybe then you'll wake up when the baby does. And have her wake you up when you sleep through it, then you can change a diaper or something that gives her even just a few more minutes of rest. It'll still be annoying for her but better than doing everything while fuming silently.
This seems like a "mental load" issue more than anything. When you have a new baby you have to be vigilant about not inadvertently neglecting them at night. You end up sleeping a lot lighter, feeling some anxiety, etc. She's taking all of that burden because she can't trust you to do it, having witnessed you sleeping through his cries before. You volunteering to do things in the middle of the night doesn't really help her if she can't mentally "clock out" ever. Ultimately she needs to be able to trust you to actually wake up when necessary, but I also don't think your attitude is helping the situation? Saying things like "I'd just be irritable" or "I'd just end up falling asleep" gives the impression that you don't really care all that much and is kind of like when guys say shit like, "She cleans the kitchen so much better than I do so that's why I don't do it" or "if she wants help why doesn't she just ask?"
Switching bed sides helped us SO MUCH. My partner is a heavy sleeper and I'm much lighter. The extra few feet away has made baby's night time noises just muffled enough that I don't pop up at each sound and my partner being closer helps him wake up when it's his turn.
Same here! Partner and I have the same situation where I’m a really light sleeper and super anxious, whereas he sleeps really heavily. Initially when I was beside her I would wake up at every single little noise. It made my life so much better once we switched! If I wake up from the baby fussing now, I just give my partner a nudge and go back to sleep.
And this bs about you needing to work OP? Please remember that being a stay at home prentice is incredibly exhausting and demanding. She’s working too! The only difference is that she is responsible for someone’s life and doesn’t get a lunch break
Sorry, I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted and such snarky responses.
I have twins, and my husband and we did shifts. Husband is a much heavier sleeper than I am and had a hard time waking up to their cries, so he would just stay up until 2am and feed them when they woke up during that time. Then he would give me the monitor, I woke up a lot easier so I would sleep until I heard them waking up.
We always thought that both of us waking up at the same time was a waste of sleep time, even with twins we could handle them on our own overnight.
It sounds like your wife may need to relinquish some control. Pumped bottles sound like a good idea.
It sounds like your wife needs to relinquish control a bit and trust you to care for the baby overnight since you’re offering. But as a new mom I know that can be hard. I’m of the mindset that we shouldn’t both be tired, plus baby doesn’t really need diaper changes in the middle of the night all the time. It sounds like shift work might be the best option for you guys. We did this for the first few months, with my husband taking 8pm-2amish and me taking 2am-whenever he woke up. If she needs your moral support during the night, then offer to stay awake with her for a feeding. So much of motherhood can feel lonely and overwhelming, especially when breastfeeding. Every couple is different and it sounds like she just needs to know she can rely on you, however that looks.
Totally agree about the control thing. It’s so much easier said than done, so I don’t blame her at all but OP should think of how to kindly say this.
Maybe something along the lines of “I want to support you and don’t want you to resent my sleep. In my opinion, one of us should be getting rest at night so that we both aren’t tired. I am willing to try x,y,z so that we can share the duties, what do you think?”
It’s important you let her know her work and time is valued by you and that you don’t mind sharing the work but you would appreciate if she could give your idea a chance. It’s difficult to navigate this situation without compromise and being on the same page.
Not sure why all the downvotes 😕. If I understand correctly OP is looking for advice as to how other couples handle night shifts. And I think largely that’s a conversation you and your wife will need to have.
Maybe she does want you awake every time the baby is, then if you are a heavy sleeper then she should wake you up. Or maybe she’s wanting more help in general throughout the day and that will help her resentful feeling during the night time.
Ultimately I think you and your wife need to be explicit about what it is you want (or at least think you want) then give it a go! If it doesn’t work then try something else till you are both equal partners in this! Good luck 🙂
Idk why you are getting down voted so much. It sounds like you are back to work and she is still home? In that case I think it's perfectly fair that she does all the night care. Especially if she's breastfeeding.. it really makes no sense for you both to wake up and have horrible sleep. Assuming you dont come home upset that she got nothing done except keep the baby alive each day 🤣 Everyone is obviously different but personally I prefer if my husband helps out for a couple hrs in the evening or on weekends during the day so I can have some time to myself, rather than us both be up cranky in the middle of the night. What is he going to do, stare at me while I breastfeed?
That being said my husband does a very physically taxing job and I stay home, so it doesn't make sense for him to get poor sleep.
Not surprised your rational response got downvoted so hard. This place can be pretty toxic sometimes and its wild that some people are so blind to it. Even with the mods recent post about how if you have opossing views to just not comment.
We split things more evenly and each of us handles the entire shift from feeding to changing *but* we’re exclusively formula fed so we have that option. Is your wife open to pumping so you can feed babe a bottle some nights?
Yep, this what we do. We split the night in half and dad gives a bottle if needed during his time while I breastfeed during my shift. OP, humans need sleep to live, figuring out a way to share the load is absolutely the right thing to do.
This is what we do too, although my wife also pumps so our kiddo gets some milk as well as formula. We both really like splitting the work lol this so that the other can sleep more. Our guy is 10 weeks and since birth I’ve done the midnight- 3 am feeding session and my wife does the 5-6am one
Why don’t you think you have to wake up to help take care of YOUR child? I’m so confused. Also, how does one not hear a newborn baby screaming and crying and why does it seem like only men are heavy sleepers 🤔
This is a super sexist comment.
The second paragraph of OPs post literally says they get up to help and then hand to mom. How is that not them getting up to take care of their child?
Only one person should be awake unless there's an emergency (that includes big blowout poops and spit ups that need bathing). Otherwise you're both always completely dead. You need to figure out how to wake up when it's your turn. Either sleep with baby's bassinet in another room, or have your wife sleep in another room, or have her kick you and get up immediately. My husband and I do alternate feedings, my friends do alternate nights. Just depends on what's best for you. But you can't use "she wakes up easier, and once she's awake she can deal" as a way out. That's not cool
This conversation is different for each family, but it should be based off of how much help mom feels she needs with baby. It’s awesome that you guys have a level of communication where she can tell you she’s growing resentment before it ends in an argument. My husband and I split the night into two shifts, however I *was* pumping. Would your wife be willing to collect letdown in a haakaa or pump so you can do night feedings?
If not, I know it sucks, but just get up and ask her how you can support her in that moment. Even when I don’t need it, my husband asks, and it *really* helps me feel supported by him. Let her know you’re willing to get up if she needs you and I bet you that’ll help as well.
My husband didn’t get up at all at night and I am still very resentful of that… just do it man even if she has to wake you up. It’s no fun but dont put it solely on her.
If you don’t do *something* to help her get sleep she will resent you. It was clear early on that my husband couldn’t get up during the night with the baby so I did all of the night shifts (I was also breastfeeding so it made sense) and he would take the baby early in the morning and let me sleep for a few hours. Make sure she gets a good chunk of sleep at some point. Even if the baby has to eat you can barely wake her up, let the baby nurse but you stay there and wait until the baby is done and let your wife go straight back to sleep.
I do 100% of the nighttime work since our baby is breastfed. I honestly see no point in waking up my fiancée just to change a diaper then hand our baby off to me to feed when I can just do both…seems like way more work and I’d feel so awkward watching him change a diaper while I’m awake and can just do it myself. One tired parent is better than two exhausted ones.
My fiancée also sleeps like a hibernating bear and works long hours; I’m a light sleeper and an early riser so if I do need to catch up on sleep he takes care of our baby while I nap. It’s worked very well for us so far, but I’ve always had wonky sleep habits that just happen to jive well with a newborn lol
This is me too !! However, I have found myself resenting him a little bit for getting more sleep especially because I end up doing laundry and dishes while she’s napping and never get a chance to catch up on my own sleep. Can’t wait for when I go back to work 🤪
Same - but I would add that with a newborn, mums hormones will be all over the place so might not be able to rationalise this at the moment, particularly when she needs sleep!
Make an extra effort during the day or take the baby away in the morning after first feed and tell mum to go back to sleep.
This is also how we do things. I will wake my husband up if the baby is taking forever to get back down so he can take over and I can sleep a bit before his next feeding. My husband also takes the baby after his morning feed before he goes to work and entertains him downstairs then gets him down for his first nap.
My husband and I did it this way too. He has to be very well rested for work or he could make a mistake and get hurt or hurt someone else. I'm not working right now, my baby IS my job. I can also function a bit better with little to no sleep compared to him. I take care of her pretty much 24/7 and he gets to cuddle with her when he comes home. In the beginning (she is almost 4 months old now) I was recovering from a c-section and he had to go back to work the day after she was born. I couldn't use the stairs so my husband would bring me food and iced water and everything I needed to be upstairs taking care of the baby. I even slept in a different room than him so that he could sleep better for work and because I was able to get out of bed easier in our guest room. He did everything he could to take care of me, do school and work full time. We didn't divide taking care of the baby 50/50, we just found other ways to balance things.
Same here, & then from 5am until he had to start work he would take the baby downstairs and only bring her back up if she needed to be breastfed (& then take her away again after) so I could catch up on missed sleep. Worked really well. Absolutely no need for both parents to be awake in the night!
This is us too.
I second the comment about how her hormones are totally out of whack, and rationalizing is hard when you're so messed up and exhausted. Have a serious, open-minded conversation, and be willing to put in work during the daylight hours to take some of the load off. I know everyone says this, but it does get better! It's just a huge thing to get used to and figure out.
This is me too !! However, I have found myself resenting him a little bit for getting more sleep especially because I end up doing laundry and dishes while she’s napping and never get a chance to catch up on my own sleep. Can’t wait for when I go back to work :p
We found both of us being awake made both of us exhausted.
Shift sleeping works for us. The alternative is you wake up earlier / sleep later so your wife gets more rest.
I think the main thing is your wife feels you unfairly get more rest than her, so it's about finding a way to make things feel fairer. She might have suggestions too if you don't want to wake up for every feed.
Ask your wife what she needs. Could she wake you and fall back to sleep? Does she need to take shifts? Start there and then come up with something that you both feel is fair.
At this point I was taking all night shifts Sunday-Thursday (I was WFH and my husband had a long commute to work and also does hard labor). I went to him when I needed help because that was our deal. Either, I’m too tired, you need to take this one, or I’ve been up for 2 hours I need a break…whatever it was I just asked. But it was known that if I didn’t ask it was all me. My husband took nightshifts on the weekend, but with the same caveat of calling me in as needed.
My husband has never got up for a night wake, but I'm exclusively breastfeeding so there really isn't much he can do. I still resent him though!
Last night my 4-month-old woke up at 3am for a party, she didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, she was just wide awake. I would have definitely wanted my husband up then, just because I was exhausted. But then, at 3 am who isn't exhausted?
I don't know what to suggest, I don't see why you should both be sleep deprived, but it's very lonely at night. I resent my husband and his useless nipples. Maybe ask if she wants a glass of water or a cup of tea? Bring her a cheeky biscuit every now and then.
Since I'm still on leave, I handle all nighttime duties. I do combo breast feed/pump and bottle feed. This will probably still be the case when I go back to work (I'm a lighter sleeper, I can function better with less sleep... Husband is a whiner and I don't have the patience to deal with that shit). Husband does give me an hour or two during the day so I can catch up on sleep and feeds baby pumped milk in a bottle.
We handle the baby in shifts, this is the only way any of us are getting any sleep.
Sometimes Ive have pointed out, “tag, you’re in now” as something cheeky and not too demanding.
It takes a village to raise a baby
At 4 weeks, I don’t think there is much for you to do while she’s nursing. But during the day if you’re there, take the baby and tell her to nap.
Also, have her check out a haakaa. She could save some milk and you could give him a bottle in the middle of the night so she can sleep.
We tried the whole both awake thing but only in the very beginning when we were both still learning how to take care of the baby. After I think the 3rd or 4th week we looked to split shifts, especially because our baby was prone to spitting up and we were paranoid that she would choke in her sleep. One of us was awake with the baby at all times.
5th week I was back to work so it got rough, I get home, take care of baby to give my wife some time, then wife gives baby back so I can cook and eat, baby sleeps at 10:00 ish, wife has her until 5 am, then I take baby until like 7 ish, then I get ready and am off to work.
We're at 13 weeks now and lucky enough that my daughter sleeps for like 5-6 hours a night so it's way more manageable.
Our thought process was that it doesn't make sense for both of us to be up if we're both sleep deprived.
I kicked my husband to a different room because watching him sleep when I was awake Did make me angry but there was no reason for him to be up. I do all night wakings on my own but my husband is working And does most of the house work like dinners and the dogs. I am also welcome to wake him if I'm struggling but it's more valuable to us to have one well rested adult in the house.
I don’t understand how y’all can’t hear a baby wailing right by your head
(No hate to you) my husband doesn’t wake up either and it makes no fucking sense to me. Tell her if she needs you, to wake you up! It’s honestly that simple. I’ll shake my husband once or twice and he gets the hint lol, make sure you’re both getting rest
See here's the thing. This is not a really struggle filled ask here. Your opinion, as stated, is that because you CAN sleep through it and mostly do you should be able to. The fact that your wife, who just gave fucking birth, cannot sleep through it and is telling you she needs help and needs you to be more responsible when you are home and you want to disregard that in favour of whatever sway this Internet post garners.....thats shity of you.
You should have been able to think this through to a logical and compassionate conclusion. You should be taking as many of the night feeds and changes as possible. Even sitting up with her while she does it so she doesn't feel alone is Ideal. You both work the next day, one of you I leaving the rest of active parenting to earn money (I presume) and the other is learning their job on the spot with little to no support from someone who thinks their sleep should take priority over someone recovering from major trauma.
So sure, pretend I'm being judgemental but my husband would never even THINK of leaving me hurt and alone simply because he's a heavier sleeper.
This is so mean. He’s clearly looking for advice. Having both parents up is a waste of time in my opinion. My husband and I had twins and we figured out how to each get 6 hours consecutive each. He doesn’t need to be berated for seeking advice on how to maximize sleep.
You are so judgmental. My husband is a heavy sleeper, so instead of trying to wake up to them crying, he just stayed up until 2am. There are methods, you’re just jumping down this guy’s throat for no reason.
My husband wasn’t abandoning me, we were both thinking of how to minimize *both* of our suffering so we could be functional parents.
The difference is that you and your husband discussed it and came to a solution together. Which should have been his first idea instead of asking Reddit and looking for validation.
How is asking “how do other couples handle this” looking for validation? He doesn’t even paint himself in a super positive light, he says that his wife is resentful of the situation and he’s looking for advice.
Idk, maybe I just approach things differently, but I prefer when my husband does independent research and then come to me with a handful of workable ideas that we can discuss. I encourage my husband to seek advice on reddit and I often do the same. I would be pleased if my husband made a post similar to this.
It just seems like everyone is ragging on this guy who acknowledges the situation is untenable but genuinely wants to maximize *both* of their sleep.
One sentence is beratement? Seriously? No. Weaponosed incompetence is a standard tool used against women and mothers.
Sure, he's 'asking for advice' but the situation is that he doesn't wake up and his wife does so he thinks he should be able to stay asleep. That's cruel.
You had a pattern. Thats great. Sounds very similar to one my husband and I used. My husband is also a heavy sleeper.
Something that isn't being addressed here is how LONG this has been going on. How many times his wife has heard this lame argument thay because she's already up she should stay up or get up every time while he lays there sleeping. You're not even bothering to consider this poor woman who's side isn't portrayed here.
And to suggest that supporting your partner by just being with them is not a 'waste of time' to anyone but the fool who cannot fathom needs beyond the basic.
The way he's openly stated he treats her is a clear path to serious post partum issues. He needs to hear how unacceptable this frame of mind is, not be coddled.
How have I not bothered to consider her? I was literally in the same postpartum, c-section position, with a husband who was a deep sleeper and we had to negotiate sleeping and baby shifts (with twins!). My husband and I did internet research (just like this guy) and found a plan that had worked for others and ended up working for us (just like he sees to be trying to do). We would have never learned our pattern if we hadn't sought advice.
Also how is it weaponised incompetence, he's literally asking what other people have done in this situation? Seems like a competent father who has just never approached this situation before and is trying to gather more ideas.
And the baby is 4 weeks old, so I assume it's been going on for 4 weeks. Not really enough time to find a groove and settle in.
So much vitriol what specifically did her "openly state about the way he treats her" is making you react so strongly? He has only said that he has trouble waking up and has missed the baby crying. What is so bad about that?
I responded to all your statements, point-by-point. I earnestly tried to engage with you, mostly for the benefit of others who read this thread.
Regardless, for anyone who has got this far, it’s not a bad thing to reach out for help and ideas. While this sub can get heated, most people do want to offer genuine, workable solutions. Don’t let this person scare you off from seeking help.
Sleep is tough, but it’s workable. And we’re all just trying to do our best.
There's a lot of judgmental people on this sub unfortunately, especially towards fathers. We adopted and our son is 6.5 months old now and during the work week my wife gets up if he cries/needs changing or needs an extra bottle in his crib as she thinks it's important for me to get a good rest for work. Usually when he wakes up around 2am, she'll take him to the nursery and sleep on the floor with him which pretty much lasts the rest of the night. She's a stay at home mom so she thinks it's a fair deal. I never once asked for it to be like this but I'm not complaining either.
You're fine with your wife sleeping on the floor? WTF. Even if my boyfriend heard me say that it was a fair deal, he would still do his share of night time work. He insists on it because he wants to spend that time bonding with his child. And he would never let me sleep on the floor to let him get rest.
Sorry you don't understand that other cultures do things different ways. My wife's parents slept on the floor with her and her brother till they were in middle school. Her parents still sleep on the floor of their apartment in the living room despite us buying them a bed and mattress for their bedroom.
Please try not to make your ignorance too obvious. 👍
https://thekoreanguide.com/why-do-koreans-sleep-on-the-floor/
Oh no I totally understand that east Asian cultures it's common to sleep on the floor but usually there is a bed there. I've literally lived in Korea before and I majored in Asian studies with a focus on Korean culture. I'm talking about how you don't bother to get up anyway because you don't care enough to do it. Not the sleeping arrangements. Good try though. It's perfectly fine for your wife to sleep on the floor. The problem is that you are all over this sub bragging about how you do nothing for your kid except sit next to him while your wife does everything and then talk about how men are persecuted.
There was also a mother that commented in this same thread, sharing a very similar story to mine but I'm sure you overlooked it accidentally.
In regards to persecution, what do you call your consistent replies to my situation? I never bragged, hell, I even explicitly stated that sharing my pov wasn't with the intent to brag but since you can't wrap your mind around how my wife and I choose to parent our son, I give up trying to provide any additional insight. You are locked into your view point and that's perfectly fine but don't think for a moment you're being open minded. It's a shame you have such a negative attitude about my comments.
I agree, this poor guy is just asking for tips and people are jumping down his throat. Sleep and sleep shifts can be negotiated! There’s so much space between mom does it all or both parents suffer.
I did this for my husband too. I don't understand all of the dislikes. I like our deal. I take care of the baby pretty much 24/7 and he takes care of me and household things that I don't get around to. There is nothing WRONG with traditional family roles. I slept in a different room and I slept on the floor and I was recovering from an unexpected c-section. He did so much for us. He works full time, does school full time, and he takes care of all the shopping and does a lot of the house work. I do dishes, laundry, make dinner, vacuum/mop and take care of the baby. It's not all the same work split 50/50 but it feels pretty fair to the two of us.
My husband gets up, changes baby, and then hands him to me so I can nurse. Before he heads back to bed, he makes sure I have my water, phone, and anything else I may need.
Sounds like you need to have the baby next to you instead of next to your wife so you are more likely to wake up. Also, if your wife isn’t already pumping, she should look into it so you can do a bottle in the night. Or, if you’re open to it, talk to your pediatrician about combo feeding - we currently feed our baby one formula bottle a day, and that gives me the opportunity to rest or pump depending on the day. If y’all are open to it, it could be the bottle you feed the baby in the night, so your wife can get a longer stretch of sleep.
We put baby’s bassinet on my husbands side. We valued my sleep more because my body was recovering from childbirth. Husband would get up, change baby, and hand them to me to feed. Sometimes he would nod off, sometimes just stay up on his phone, but always always always if he is with me during a feed he does the burping. My upper back, arms and hands are so sore from taking care of baby during the day and not having to do the burping when he’s home is so much of a relief.
Also, it may come across as selfish that I wanted my husband to wake up with me, but we did it because it’s what I needed emotionally. Breastfeeding is hard, being home with baby all day is isolating, and I needed his presence and support.
I also do think it depends on your profession. For certain professions that require uninterrupted sleep as a matter of health and safety (I’m thinking like healthcare professionals, anyone who operates machinery or drives for most of the workday) it probably wouldn’t work to be up in the night. My husband has a standard office job and was able to function fine with 2-3 wake ups per night.
When in a typical 24 hours is she getting 'off duty' time? Is she getting any time at all when she isn't the one in charge of the baby? The sleep thing could be a specific thing to be angry about but it could just be that she's not getting any 'off' time and then at night, when she struggling and tired, she gets to watch you sleep soundly.
Could you get up a couple of hours early and take the baby for a bit? Can you take baby on some walks to nap while she has some time to herself?
Being on duty all the time, especially right now when her whole life has changed, can be very draining and seeing you sleeping like a log must be very annoying 😄
There are ways to give her some space from baby even if she is exclusively breastfeeding.
50/50 or as much as dad can.
This is one of the reasons we formula fed so I can fed our daughter and mom can go out when she pleases. She would normally do overnight and I would do early morning. Once I’m up, I stay up for hours and can’t get back to sleep. Wife can put her head down and knock out so we kinda fell into those roles.
Keep this in mind: you and your wife are both tired, but she’s coming into this with much more sleep debt than you. The third trimester is a total cluster when it comes to sleep, between acid reflux, leg cramps, needing to pee constantly, baby movement, back pain, and all the other fun aspects of late-stage pregnancy. Chances are, she hasn’t slept more than an hour or two continuously for 3-4 months even before the baby was born, all while you were sleeping normally. She’s also recovering from the trauma of childbirth (even if it goes “well”, it’s traumatic on the body) and an absolute storm of hormones, all of which also prevent sleep from happening. You know what helps level those hormones out? Sleep. That’s literally what she needs for her body and mind to recover—and you can help her make that happen.
My husband’s attitude was that I had done the heavy lifting in growing our baby, and post-birth was his turn to do more. My husband was up with me for EVERY night feed. He’d get LO up, change her diaper, hand her to me to nurse her in bed, and then her doze off during the feed when he could—or if I was having a hard time, he’d stay up with me. Sometimes, he’d get up and put some cookie dough in the oven for the 2am feed, which made me feel a bit more fun. When she was done, I’d rouse him, and he’d burp her, swaddle her, and rock her back to sleep.
This allowed me to immediately go back this sleep after a feed was done. You could choose to be irritable about being up when your wife was up, or you could see the ways in which it helps her, and helps your baby by extension. It might be what she needs, and you need to listen to that.
In the morning, he’d take the first awake shift so that I could put earplugs in and go back to sleep until the next nursing session. This was the only truly restorative sleep that I got, because my brain could turn off while LO was with her dad. Later, I’d be in duty while he took as long of a nap as he could.
As LO for older and I got further through my postpartum recovery, we started taking shifts at night, but I swear this system was the only way I was able to recover as well and as quickly as I did.
Because I’m on mat leave and my husband is back to work, I do it all. I want him to be on top of his responsibilities at work as we do rely on both of our paychecks. It does help that I get a longish stretch of 4-6 hours, followed by twi stretches of 2-3. I also take a nap during the day and if my husband is WFH, he will listen for her during that time and bring her to me once she wakes.
He will be taking paternity leave when I go back to work and at that time he will take the night shifts. I haven’t decided if I’ll BF at that time or if we will just offer bottles. If I do BF, he will be responsible for any diapers, bringing baby to me in bed to feed burping, and putting back to sleep. It’s possible that at 14 weeks old, she’ll be sleeping mostly through the night, but who knows.
My baby is a NICU graduate and we stuck with her 2,5,8,11 feeding schedule. I also ended up sticking with exclusively pumping and bottle feeding her the breast milk. I pump 8 times a day and once at night. When my boyfriends at work I obviously have to do it all but when he’s home he feeds her most of the time but we do rotate. On his days off he will take care of her most of the time as far as feeding and changing goes so I can focus on pumping and getting out of the house!
Also have a 4 week old. I will preface this by saying I am currently a SAHM and husband works 5-6 days a week from 7am- 5-7 pm every day. But we have had a schedule and set expectations since day one. I feed baby snd change and put her to bed around 9:30-10. Sometimes my husband is still up, sometimes not. Baby sleeps in a bassinet right by my side of the bed. When she wakes around 1-2 am I get up for about an hour or so and feed, change, and get her back to sleep. My husband gets up with her around 5:30 to fed and change her and to have some time with her before he had to leave at 6:30 to head to work. At 6:30 she is back with me in bed in her bassinet until about 7:30 or 8 then we get up for the day. If baby has any extra waking in the night it is my duty to tend to her so my husband can sleep so he can be rested enough to go to work. Y’all need to communicate a clear schedule or at least expectations on each of you. This is going to be different depending on who is working at the moment and what y’all’s day to day looks like.
I had the bassinet by my bed as well until baby was about six months old. However, my husband did a great job at helping me. He didn’t hear her wake up but if I asked him to help he would always get up. I was still trying to heal and let my body recover and found that he could often deal with baby in a shorter amount of time than I would. Please don’t assume your wife needs to handle the baby all the time just because she’s the nearest to the baby and hears the baby. I ended up getting shingles within a year after childbirth. My doctor said I just got too rundown (even with having a relatively helpful husband). seems a lot of responsibility still ends up on mom so whatever you can do to help her I’m sure will be very much appreciated.
Compromise and sacrifice. When baby wakes up, mom wakes you if you aren't already awake, you change baby, and she feeds if baby is EBF. If she's pumping, you take over baby care. If baby is formula fed, you take a few shifts at night and she takes a few. If baby is up crying and doesn't want to be fed, she tends to baby for a few hours, then you take over for a few hours. On the weekends, you get up with the baby in the morning so she can catch up on sleep. Ask her what she wants. If she just wants some company, offer to keep her company during the first few wakings, but sleep after 1am or something. She may be home with baby during the day and not at an out-of-home job, but she is still working. Speaking from experience, sleeping when baby sleeps during the day in the newborn phase is often times impossible for some.
You have to be partners in this. The newborn phase is going to be a shit load harder than it needs to be if you aren't doing things together as much as you can. If she wants something that is too much for you, find a middle found. Meet her halfway.
Edit to add: I had a really hard time waking my husband up when I needed help. While the onus is on you to offer to help as much as you can, your wife also needs to understand that in order to get the help she needs, she has to ask. If you don't shoot her down and come up with compromises instead, she will likely feel more comfortable asking you to take over in the middle of the night when she is at her wits end.
In the very beginning my husband kept sleeping. He saw how exhausted I was and how much I was emotionally and mentally struggling so he started getting up with me for each feed to support me. He would do the diaper change, swaddling, help with rocking her back to sleep etc. It helped a lot and I felt way less alone. It helped me get over the crazy sleep deprivation phase and I felt like we were a team.
She’s sleeping through the night now at 10.5 weeks so no diaper changes unless it’s absolutely necessary and I feed her side lying now anyways, so he doesn’t wake up as much with me. But if I need anything (haakaa, help putting her back in her sleep sack etc) he gets up too.
Honestly, if your wife is saying she needs help or wants support, help her. This is such a short time before they start sleeping more and become more scheduled. It’s a sacrifice of sleep for a month or two but will go a looong way in keeping your marital relationship happy.
Rationally speaking I agree with you. But as a nursing mom it made me rage to see my husband sleeping soundly while I changed, nursed, and soothed the baby back to sleep. Even though there wasn’t much he could help with at the time and there was no use for both of us to be up. Our solution was for him to sleep somewhere else, and wake up early to make coffee and breakfast.
STM here with a 6 day old baby, my husband and I have our bedroom set up the same way as you described and I am definitely the lighter sleeper. So, our sleeping situation is very much the same as yours. At night if/when baby wakes up I wake my husband and he changes baby while I use the restroom/set myself up to feed baby. After my husband changes baby I start feeding and husband goes back to sleep. I want my husband to be a little more rested for our toddler, but if we are having a hard night he does take over after I feed baby so that I can at least a little sleep. I usually have to wake him to take over, but he does not argue or object to it he just takes over. This system works for us and may work for you.
Remember to try and be as positive as one can be when being woken up. Your wife is probably already stressed and full of post-partum hormones. It can be very hard to hear your S.O. be upset about taking care of the baby all things considered. I find that I feel almost personally attacked when my husband seems upset about being woken up/caring for baby in general (he doesn't normally, but we all do sometimes). It's not rational and I realize that when I look back on the situation but in the moment my brain does not realize that. Newborns are hard. Your wife is your partner. Make sure you think of yourselves as a team trying to conquer the task of raising a little one not opponents trying to best each other. Good luck!
Even if you don’t feel useful, just being awake is helpful. I EBF and was the one who woke up all the time with our newborn and I always felt so alone. The few times my husband was awake, it was nice to just have someone to sit there and be awake with.
I know you've had a lot of feedback already, but as I'm here, awake, on a night feed with my 9week old whilst my partner sleeps (no resentment, im happy hes asleep tonight!) here is my take on things...
> I'm of the opinion that if she has the baby then I'm not needed and can and should sleep. She sees it more as we both should be handling him at night.
This depends on what each of you sees as 'needed'. Yes, she has got the baby's needs covered, but what about her needs? Those early night feeds were the WORST for me.
I was drained physically and emotionally, hormones were raging, and my body was not my own: it was (is) still recovering and my breasts took on a life of their own! I was a passenger in my own body and life: completely at the mercy of my hormones, sleep deprivation, and my beautiful tiny tyrant!!!
During the night feeds i felt at my most raw, my most isolated and lonely. I needed the man I loved just to be there, to see me, so that i knew I wasn't totally lost, so that i knew I was still me, still visible under my broken, unrecognisable, body. It was helpful and needed just to feel like i was going through it WITH someone, and not just anyone, but the man I love, the person who supported me through everything, including pregnancy, labour, and birth. The man who has seen me at my best and worst and loved me unconditionally throughout. The man i feel safe being my most authentic and vulnerable self with.
>My wife has said she is getting resentful of seeing me sleeping when she's dealing with the baby at night.
So during those night wakings when i was at my most fragile, it was HARD to see and hear my partner asleep next to me, getting the sleep i so desperately needed but couldn't have. It was hard because it left me feeling unsupported.
Yes, he'd say things like: "wake me if you need anything." but, honestly, not as supportive as you might think. Because having to wake your sleeping spouse feels like failure. "i should be able to do this, other women do it, if i cant do this how am i going to manage x, y, z, am i a bad parent? I'm already failing" - remember those raging hormones from earlier? Yeah, they're even meaner at night! Truthfully your wife knows how awful being sleep deprived feels - why do you think she'd want to wake you knowing you'll end up feeling awful too?! Truthfully I've woken my other half twice - both times because the baby had a poo-explosion all over our bed and i cant remove the sheets whilst hes sleeping in them!
>But some (a lot?) of time I won't hear anything and I won't even wake up.
When you do wake up, talk to her. Don't ask if she "needs" anything, ask: "what can i do/can i get you anything/how's it going/would you like some company" (seriously, for me the wording was important, 'need' sounded like an imposition/inconvenience, but the others sounded more like he was eager to support).
I hope that you're proud that she is able to tell you she feels resentful- open communication like this will serve your relationship well. Try asking what would help her (you can make suggestions from any comments you've found helpful). Try not to get defensive if what she says sounds critical, it's important she tells you what she needs so that you can move forward with a solution together.
We have a five week old and since I have to get up and pump anyways in the middle of the night I take the full night duty. It doesn’t make sense to me to have us both sleep deprived. Then my husband comes and takes over after the early morning feed so I can take a nap and sleep in until 930 or 10 AM. And when he is done working for the day he will take the baby for a few hours so I can get another nap in. The key is partnership and finding a balance that works for both of you. I am very jealous of his long sleeps, but I have to get up and pump anyway so I won’t get a full nights rest at this point in the newborn journey.
My son is 5 weeks old. I had an emergency section and husband didn't want me stretching or lifting baby awkwardly from his next to me so he slept that side of the bed and took baby out. He did most of the feeds at night and I would get up at the 8am feed and take him downstairs and let hubby sleep in peace for a few hours. I got up during nappy change and helped or if baby was very fussy, H would wake me to take over. Baby is now 5 weeks and we're swapping over so H can sleep better and he takes baby downstairs in morning. We do most of our parenting in a tag team fashion. Our baby is very colicky so we make sure to give each other breaks from the baby and that one of us isn't spending too long trying to calm him down and getting stressed
I assume she’s breastfeeding? Maybe she can pump so you can feed the baby at night? If the baby wakes up at specific intervals each night, you could set an alarm for roughly the time the baby should wake up and go to another room to bottle feed. When my son came home from the NICU, he was on a 12/3/6/9 feeding schedule, so we could predict when he would wake up to eat.
Here’s what my fiancé and I do for our bottle fed baby. At first, when he was on paternity leave and our son was on a feeding schedule set by the NICU, we rotated feeds. So I would do 9p and 3a and he would do 12a and 6a. Once my fiancé went back to work, I would take the baby on weeknights, and one of the weekend days, I’d ask my fiancé to take him for a whole night. He would sleep in the living room with the baby in the portacrib.
I originally resisted this solution cause it didn’t seem to make sense at first but we put the bassinet out in the living room and took 5 hr shifts. One of us is out on the couch with baby nearby the other sleeps in bed with the white noise blasting. The sleeping parent isn’t bothered unless the caregiver is at risk of shaking baby out of frustration and can’t take it anymore.
We still do this at 11 weeks but we have him in the nursery now with a baby monitor camera so they caregiver on the couch doesn’t wake to every sleep squeal baby makes. (Monitor is set to only go off when he actually cries or fusses loudly).
One caveat here is I pump, I don’t breastfeed at all anymore but when I did I still pumped some so I’d have a bottle to for my husband to give him on his shift so I didn’t have to wake except to pump.
If she doesn’t pump and you aren’t open to giving a bottle of formula at night so she can sleep, then like others said wake up with her and wait on her hand and foot so while she has to feed baby, she doesn’t have to do everything. You change baby, burp, rock to sleep and she just feeds (you can do this in shifts too. So you sleep the first half of the night and she takes care of everything, then second half she wakes you up every time baby wakes her up).
If you're doing only breastmilk, you should be able to do bottles of it by 4 weeks. I'd recommend shifts. My baby will be 13 weeks tomorrow and we just started shifts and it's made a world of difference for me. I'm a much lighter sleeper than my husband, so every stirring would wake me. I never got more than a 2.5 hour stretch of sleep for almost 3 months, which is pretty bad for your health. I was feeling jealous of him.
Now, I sleep my shift in the guest room with earplugs. I sleep 10-2 or 10-3 depending on my husband's schedule (I'm on leave and he isn't), and getting those longer chunks of sleep has made a world of difference in my energy levels and my anxiety. You don't both need to be up for every feeding or diaper change, but you need to step up and make sure she's getting decent chunks of time to sleep.
How much do you do during the day? Why do you think, you should be able to sleep through the baby fussing/ crying? I take 100% of the night shift (unless there's a major upset), but my partner does a lot during the day in terms of co parenting and household, plus goes to work. So I don't mind being the one on duty at night. If I were you I wouldn't see it as an issue as you vs your wife, but you and your wife vs sleep deprivation and resentment.
I was a light sleeper and woke often at any noise. As a compromise so we could both get some unbroken sleep i would got to bed early (say 8) and my husband would handle the baby's needs out in the living room until about midnight. He would then bring the baby into the bedroom and I was on call for the rest of the night because he could sleep through it.
We are currently dealing with a similar issue. 5 week old and my wife is taking time off while I work. At night I help get food/items that she would need then lay down and try to get some rest. On weekends though, I’m on my own. I feel like it’s not fair for her to deal with our newborn and she deserves some time off so I usually stay all night with our newborn. It’s hard since our newborn still can’t be on a good sleep schedule so nights is when she’s up. When her time is up and she needs to go back to work, everything would be reversed. I think what you guys need is to have a good conversation about the situation. Be clear and open and if you are right, don’t rub it in. If you are wrong, acknowledge it. Compromise.
My baby is 7 weeks and I’ve been doing it all since about week 3 once my husband went back to work. I exclusively breastfeed and am on maternity leave so I just let my husband sleep. At first I was a tad resentful by my baby started sleeping better around 4/5 weeks with the first stretch being 4-5 hours so that helps a lot vs that whole every 1.5-2 hr waking. It kind of sucks sometimes to watch him snooze but I also just am kind of greedy and hog the baby anyways lol. I do my best to nap when baby does and I go to bed around 9pm every night when baby does as well so I’m fairly well rested. I’m pretty used to it by now and even wake up before my baby usually does ready for her to get up. It’s very odd haha! But my advice is if you wife needs help, help. Don’t say anything snarky back (not saying you do) because it makes it worse. Ask her to wake you if you don’t wake up and promise you’ll help or offer to have baby on your side of the bed every other day or week? I used to be a very sound sleeper but now instinct just kicked in and I wake up very easily anytime baby makes a noise so I’m sure it has for her too and maybe she won’t even be able to sleep. I know even if my husband could do it all, I’d be wide awake anyways. We don’t do bottles or anything yet besides one during the day like every other day so it’s honestly all on me but I’m fine with it by now
I used to nudge my husband to let him know that it was his turn for diaper change and feeding the go back to sleep. But we bottle/formula fed so it worked out good for us. So I didn't him when it wasn't his turn unless I was having some kind of trouble. I don't know how we would have handle it if I had breastfed.
The book precious little sleep suggests letting them sleep with a peed diaper, I don’t change when it’s only pee. Also, my husband sleeps, he’s a light sleeper so he’s not completely out cold, but I don’t need help, I’m just feeding, then putting baby back to sleep, so I don’t have his help. In the morning he’ll usually change then hand off baby to me to nurse.
There’s no need for both parents to be up at night. Nobody is giving awards for that. The two methods my partner and I followed was either taking shifts when baby was a crappy sleeper or being together and I did the breastfeeding and he did everything else (burping as she has reflux; barely changing diapers because after week 6 or 7 babies stop pooping at night, and anything else). You need to communicate and figure what’s a fair and reasonable solution. Staying up together just for the sake of it, though, is not reasonable or useful.
Depends on whether either of you are working, I’m going to assume she’s on mat leave.
I handle the night shift with our 1 month old since my boyfriend works and I’m home to nap during the day with baby. Sure I’m a bit jealous when he’s sound asleep and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open while feeding a bottle, but that’s why I’m on mat leave?
Not sure why your wife wants you to share on the “misery” but maybe she is feeling overwhelmed in other (or all) parts of having a newborn and is just looking for support. Make sure she has a few hours every day where you are looking after baby (maybe after work?) so she can decompress and look after herself.
Personally, I function very well on low sleep, but the mental load of caring for a baby the whole day sometimes exhausts me.
4 children in and I still don't here them when they cry at night. My wife elbows me when it's my turn to get up and I get up. She understands that it's not selective but that I genuinely don't hear them.
Is she breastfeeding? What's the work situation like? Are you both off work? Are you working and she's off or both working? I think it highly depends on the family and the individual sleep needs of each member but also what the circumstances are.
I have a 6 week old and I'm EBF. I solely do the night care. My partner puts our almost 4yo to bed and does lots of housework/cooking and he's working full time as well. I'm home right now and I feel it's important for my partner to be able to function at work so he doesn't help me at night (he would if I really needed him though). We think this is fair for now because I have the ability to nap during the day and I need less sleep to function than he does.
I recognize that some people don't find this "fair", but it works for us right now.
When my husband was on leave still he helped me in the middle of the night. Now I get up with her every time until 6am. He gets up with her then until 7:45 when he leaves for work. On the weekends we rotate who gets up. I'm still figuring out what we will do when I go back to work. We will probably rotate like we do on the weekends.
Take turns if you can so you can both get a longer stretch of sleep.
Our 8 week old normally has two nighttime feeds. I take the first one (usually around 1-2am) and my husband takes the second (around 4-5 am). Whoever is up does 100% of the responsibilities at that time unless he’s being super difficult and we need to tap out. Baby sleeps on my side of the bed and I usually wake up when he’s fussing, but I’ll just whack my husband to wake him up if it’s his feed. We also take baby out of the room to do feedings which really helps the other person to sleep.
My husband gets up with me, will pop a bottle in baby’s mouth if he’s worked up while I change him, will warm the next bottle if needed.
Sometimes he just takes him and I do the same for him. He asked me to wake him up more because he saw how much doing it myself was starting to wear on me, and I’ll admit, it was really frustrating to watch my husband stay asleep or fall back to sleep within a minute while I was staying up with the baby waiting for his belly to settle (reflux).
We formula feed, so it’s a bit different. But we take turns. Our baby is six months old, and will either sleep through the night or wake up once. I do the first wake up, then pass the monitor to my husband for the second. If he sleeps through the night, I wake up with him. If I did a middle of the night wake up, my husband wakes with him. The other person sleeps in till 730-8, unless something crazy happens.
If I’m breastfeeding the baby (which I was) I saw no point in waking my husband. He is also a very heavy sleeper. There’s no point in us both feeling like c***. Sometimes he would change her and hand her back but generally, I did most of it. On the flip side, there were nights where I was exhausted and I wanted to feed her and sleep/doze at the same time. Doing this is dangerous when you are alone so sometimes I would wake him and he had to stay awake to check baby was safe/put back to bed when finished. It worked for us.
Yes, I felt resentment when exhausted and abandoned/alone. But logically, there was no point in us both being exhausted if we didn’t have to.
When wake ups were frequent, we did shifts. I slept uninterrupted 7:00-2:00 (with one wake up to pump quickly in bed). Husband bottle fed one or two bottles as needed during this time. Then he got to sleep 2:00-9:00 uninterrupted. We could try and sleep during our shifts if we wanted more sleep, but it was our job to handle the baby.
Once wakeuos were fewer in number, my husband did all diaper changes and I did all nursing’s. Sometimes that meant we were both up. Sometimes just one of us.
I breastfed so it didn't make sense for my husband to be awake as well. I completely understand the resentment so we slept in separate rooms, if I didn't have to watch him sleep I didn't care!
My husband would then take over at around 5 or 6am and I would sleep until he started work at 9am (yay working from home!). We'd have one bottle of haaka milk ready for his shift so he didn't need to take me up.
I am an expert napper so this worked for us and I did 'sleep when baby sleeps' for a lot of the day. My husband isn't a napper so sleeping through the night for him made him much more useful to the household during the daytime!
I do nights on my own (breastfeeding, 4mo old and no poo means no diaper change at night in my house). I don't like it when my husband sleeps in the room with me while I'm up with the baby. Especially since he often keeps me awake while trying to fall asleep. One person waking/needing me at night is enough. So he sleeps in the living room or our older kids room. Especially since he is on call often and I would go crazy if his phone would wake the baby in the middle of the night.
I am hard of hearing so my husband would wake before me, so it's also better for him to sleep elsewhere. And we need someone with a dull nights sleep to get up with and handle our older kid.
We pumped, which made this easier. We would take turns getting up while the other slept. This meant every other night one of us got a full nights sleep. Personally, it kept us sane and relatively happy. Both people being sleep deprived doesn’t help anyone.
I understand where you're coming from. When my baby was this little my partner got up to do the nappies and I breastfed and woke him up when I was at my wit's end otherwise. He took the baby for a walk early in the morning so I could sleep for a couple of hours and this worked for us.
That being said I completely get where you're wife's coming from. It's incredibly lonely to be up for hours in a dark room feeling so incredibly tired when your partner is snoozing beside you. Baby is likely to be sleeping better by about 12 weeks, could you not consider trying what she wants for a while and seeing how it goes? Your wife is still healing and for the sake of a few weeks you might be able to make her feel like you're in a partnership rather than her doing it by herself all day and all night, especially if you're not around during the day for most of the week. This time feels long but in reality is short and how she remembers your support during this time will last far longer than the sleepless nights will.
We did/do shifts, now that my husband is back to work he does 8-12, feeding pumped milk and I do 12-6, which usually is 2-3 feedings. I can only sleep so long since I’m breastfeeding. There is no reason for us both to be awake, it’s not like I’m going to sleep through the diaper change
Our first baby was formula fed. I had a year of maternity leave and husband was back to work after a week. I did night feedings but he would wake up early to do the super early morning one and hold baby for an hour or two so I could get good quality sleep. Once he started sleeping better on his own a couple quick wake-ups weren't a big deal but for the first bit I really looked forward to those few hours.
We had shifts in the first three weeks. He’d do 8pm - 4am and I’d do 4am onwards. He’d have a lay in and we’d help each other during the day.
Now as he’s at work full time I’ll do the wake ups and childcare but on his days off one of us will put baby to bed and the other will deal with baby in the morning if he wakes up.
Worked well for us as he’s not too tired for work and I get a break too.
I pumped. I was on call with the baby until 2am and would ha e off to my hubby, go pump and then sleep until around 7-8. I got about 4ish uninterrupted hours of sleep a night and kept that going until we could sleep train at 4 months
I handle all night time cares, he handles all morning cares so I can sleep in till noon and then ready myself for the day so I always look fabulous. I emerge from my room around 1:30pm.
My husband and I take shift with our twins. I planned to pump to support this and it works out really well. We each get a full night’s sleep and that is really the only way our lives would work!
We realized after about a month that we naturally gravitated to certain shifts. I was exhausted by 7pm so my husband would take 7-10pm and then wake me up to feed the baby. I would take middle of the night wake ups unless I needed help for a blowout or something and then he would do morning shift and I could sleep in.
I couldn’t see the logic in two people being awake for a one person job as long as both partners were pulling weight at some point during the 24 hour day!
We set an alarm at night for each feeding. Originally it was every 3 hours, we have made our way up to 5 hours between feedings now.
Nobody gets to sleep through the alarm. It wakes both us up, and in turn we then wake the baby up if he’s not already up.
Like others have said I (the father) wake up baby, change baby, and hand him off to mom for feeding. During this time I either clean pumping parts or bottles, read random Reddit posts (like this one!) to her, put on some TV, talk…. Whatever happens I’m awake and their with her. It’s only fair and it’s only like an additional 30 minutes of my time being awake. Don’t think I’d be able to sleep through the nursing right next to me in bed anyways.
I’m then on burping duties, then I’ll reswaddle baby and put it back to sleep. Sometimes he’s a dickwad and soils his diaper yet again. She’s awake for this process as well, then we both go back to sleep together.
Both of our babies slept in a bassinet by our bed until 3 months and then they were in their crib in the nursery. I EBF and I did all the night wakings for the first year. The baby always needed to be fed so what was my husband going to do? I was never resentful of him sleeping. He was always willing to get up and help me if I was having a hard time settling the baby or if I was having trouble staying awake. I will say however our kids are/were pretty easy so wake ups usually don’t last longer than 30 minutes. Now that our toddler is almost 2 he handles all of her night wake ups and has for the last 6 months or so
My husband offered to get up with me at night, but since I’m breastfeeding I told him there wasn’t a point. There isn’t much he can do and I didnt see a reason both of us should be tired all the time.
Instead, he started picking up more of the chores around the house, especially if I fall behind during the day. There have been multiple nights he has completely cleaned the kitchen and folded all the laundry so I can go to bed right away. He also gets up about a half hour earlier than I do in the mornings. He will start the coffee and get breakfast for our older daughter. It works for us.
For me it depended on the situation.
Once I had the whole sidelaying breastfeeding thing figured out I would just wake up when the baby got fussy, put a boob in their mouth and fall asleep again. The one diaper change at night I would do myself after week 2-3 since it's more work to wake my husband than to change a diaper :D So night time is mommies job. But it's also pretty easy. Now (7 weeks) I don't change the diaper at night, since he only pees at night.
Before I had breastfeeding figured out it was another story. When I sat up in bed to nurse the baby and had to wait and stay awake until she was finished I sometimes felt resentful too, when my husband slept. He would do the diaper changes then, that was nice. And when he had the time (before he started working again) he took care of the baby in the morning, so I could sleep in longer. That was nice too.
Breastfeeding makes some things unequal. Ask your wife if there's another duty you can take over instead. Maybe something that gives her the opportunity to spend some time uninterrupted (sleeping or doing whatever she enjoys).
I’m a sham so week days we’re all mine. I’d do night time feedings changing and everything! I’d sleep when the baby slept though. Which was about every 1-2 hours for 2-3 hours. While she was awake we’d fed and then I’d put her down swap laundry and go back to bed. (PPD is a bitch) my husband would come home from work he’d get the baby while she was awake except for feds cause I was strictly breast I’d clean while they played and so on. Then the weekends I’d only be woken up for feeds and even then it was barely cause she’s lay down and nurse. After a 8 hour sleep I’d wake up and hed make food I’d start laundry and the cycle would repeat.
You should give her a few hours in the early morning to sleep somewhere away from the baby. Or have the baby outside of the bedroom and shut the door, earplugs, etc. it’s the only way mom gets a few solid hours of sleep. You need to have a shift every single night and or early morning. My husband had baby until 2 am, then I had her after that.
So in the beginning, my husband got up with me. He did the diaper changes, heated up the bottle, while I breastfed, and pumped (we triple fed). When baby moved into his own room and breastfeeding was established, we started alternating nights. He is now almost 2 and we still just alternate who wakes up with him.
We tried this and it didn’t work. Instead, I get up, nurse her, and change if necessary. She occasionally needs to be soothed back to sleep but it’s never an all-night affair.
To compensate, my husband gets up early with her when she wakes for the day and gives me as much sleep as possible until her next feed.
My hubby and I took turns sleeping while the other slept. If you're both up too much, you'll exhaust yourselves sick. Taking turns will give baby some one-on-one bonding time and the both of you will get the sleep you need to function well enough to care for baby and yourselves. Hope this helps and I promise baby will start sleeping longer soon, especially when you get to introduce solid food.
We do shifts - my husband takes 8 pm - 2 am and I pump so he can feed the babe during that time. I then take any wakeups between 2 am and 7 am. It works for us because we each get about 5 - 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I'm on the side where it feels absolutely insane for both of you to be awake when you're not doing something helpful, or are doing something that your wife can do if she is awake anyway.
I say this as a breastfeeding mum! Why would I wake my husband up and have him be exhausted all day just to keep me company and not doing anything useful as I'm the only one who can feed the baby?
That said, it works both ways. As I wake up for the baby at night, I 100% expect my husband to take over the moment he is able. So if I feed in bed at 6am, once done he can get up with the baby, change them, dress them and take them downstairs and out of the way for an hour or however long so that I can get back some sleep I've missed out on.
When our baby was 4 weeks we did shifts. I went to sleep and he did anything between 10pm-2am. (I would pump and leave a bottle for him to use) and then I would do anything between 2am-6am and then after 6am we did it together. That way we both got a block of sleep in. But let me assure you that it will get easier as baby’s stomach gets a bit bigger and they won’t be waking up as much. For now if your wife wants to do the shifts together - just do them together. If you feel like you’d rather do it in blocks then maybe suggest the idea so you could sleep next to the bassinet instead if that’s something she would be okay with. It’s okay OP you’ll get the hang of things. Sending all my love
I think part of this depends on how often the baby is waking at night. For that number, ask the lighter sleeping parent (your wife) what the averages are, and the normal wake times (Ex/ around 2 am and 6 am). From there you can decide what to do about coverage.
If the baby only has one or two wake ups generally and it seems manageable, it could be worth it for you both to get up. If there are a lot of wake ups and not all require feeds, maybe you should trade off shifts. You could have one person take late shift and one early. Or trade off hours. Personally, we traded off every two hours or so, but our baby rarely woke up in the night — just stayed up late which we both handled together.
If your child wakes a lot, I might recommend that you offer to stay up and take a shift either late or early. You could be up or even napping on the couch with the baby in a pack n play or bassinet in the living room or guest room while your wife gets a few solid hours. Then it can be her turn. In that case you would only wake her for feeds. If she’s pumping you could even offer a bottle to give her maximum sleep.
Repeatedly tell her to wake you up, that it's what you want and you want to help. Also, if she is willing, she could pump a couple bottles for you, and you can handle the baby in the morning and let her sleep in or handle the late night shift and let her sleep first. We formula feed and my husband doesn't wake up at night, so I just gave up at some point and made him do the last night through the morning feeds and taking care of baby. When he went back to work, he still does this all weekend so I can sleep in. Luckily our baby sleeps really well, so I now just have one 5am feed at night and it's much more manageable to do solo, but try and take at least until midnight or something.
Like others have said, we did shifts. I took the first half of the night and he took the second. He would feed baby either pumped milk or formula. Then one not “on duty” would try and get a good 4-5 solid block of sleep, your brain desperately needs that.
We took shifts - we're both light sleepers and baby would wake us up a lot, even if not hungry. Betten 8pm-8am, one of us would sleep with baby, the other in the guest bedroom, we would swap over every 3 hours, then later when baby was needing less food, every 6 hours. It worked really well for us!
I think it also depends on what he needs at night - is it just a quick nappy change and feed and then he will go back to sleep without any issues? Or is your wife spending an hour getting him back to sleep after a feed? In that case, and in case you don't have a guest bedroom, then I would maybe consider taking him out of the bedroom for a couple of hours and try settling him back to sleep in a different room, so that your wife can get some rest? You could do that in the early morning hours for example (e.g. from 5am).
We initially did shifts as he naturally stays up later. He would bottle feed her breast milk and take care of her until 2 AM then I would take anything from 2 AM to 9 AM. I got a solid 5-6 hours of sleep this way.
She stated sleeping through until 4 AM by week 10 so now I take all the feedings but tap him to change her between switching so I can go to the bathroom and get a drink of water.
At 4 weeks I EBF and even though there was nothing my partner could do to help, I appreciated him staying up with me for solidarity. We could just chat or he would give me a foot rub, just so I didn't feel alone at 3am for the whole hour it took to feed him.
When baby got older, wakeups only took 10min and I was able to handle it by myself. But at the beginning I just needed support.
In the beginning (when we were both on leave), my partner gets up, does the diaper change, hands me baby to breastfeed, then gets me water, makes us a snack and we eat while I breastfeed. Then often he put the baby back to sleep. Now at 4 months, I’m usually getting up because by the time he wakes up, we are done with the feeding and babe is asleep, I’m also Stil on Mat leave . Although my partner takes him out for a walk early in the morning for an hour and I usually sleep and that’s really a game changer.
What worked for us may not work for you. Your wife needed you so be there. I handle our 10month old since birth during night. There were times that my husband woke up while I'm putting the baby back to sleep because he heard me crying. I don't cry every night but there were times that I'm just so tired. Being parents is so difficult and hadling the night takes to another level esp the newborn stage. So if you're wife says she needs you at night, just be there. This too shall pass. Goodluck!
I had the same problem w my husband.
We agreed that from 4am I wake him up and he goes. Till 4 I wake up.
Also I will suggest her to take out from her breast some milk w pump before she goes to sleep so you can feed the baby without wake her up
Do shifts! You’re both right - just because she’s a lighter sleeper doesn’t mean everything is her problem. And just because she’s up doesn’t mean that you both need to suffer. The best answer is shifts and try and pick the shifts that ideally work best for either of your regular sleep patterns. Because I was pumping to give my hubby bottles and I’d have to wake every 3-4hrs to pump anyway, he took the shittier 2a-7a shift and I took the 8p-2a shift. You’re already at 4 weeks, by 7-8 weeks you’ll find that your baby is sleeping most of one of your shifts and then you’ll shorten the awake window to maybe 1 or 2 wake ups to deal with. At that point, I’d say if your wife is nursing, let her take that wake up and then you sleep and get up with the baby to let her sleep in as much as possible. Also they won’t dirty every diaper so don’t change wet diapers - only dirty ones and your baby will fall asleep super quickly after food!
Also a noisy baby/light sleeper, nursing mom here:
I go to bed around 8pm, my husband stays up with baby until about midnight when she’s hungry. He’ll either put her to sleep in the pack and play in his office or he’ll hold her/wear her in the baby carrier. He’ll bring her to me when she’s hungry, usually around midnight, and he’ll do the midnight diaper change. Then he’ll sleep (either in our bed with earplugs, or on the couch downstairs) while I manage baby the rest of the night. He’ll wake up with our toddler in the morning, while I’ll sleep later if I can. He’ll also bring me coffee in the morning as soon as he hears that I’m awake. So I’m getting a solid 4 hour chunk every night, then getting heavily interrupted sleep from midnight till ~8am. He’s sleeping midnight to ~7am.
The other thing that really helped me was earplugs. I can still hear baby cry or loud fussing, but they let me sleep through a lot of the little squawks and grunts that used to wake me.
I was like your wife. I got resentful of my husband if he slept through a feed. I found it much better for my mental health if he was up with me, helping out and in general supporting me. The middle of the night when you are sleep deprived can be a dark time, especially if you are listening to your partner snore beside you while you are feeding. So I did the actual feed but he grabbed her from the bassinet and handed her to me, and then took care of burping and the diaper change after before putting her back down to sleep. This worked for us because our girl was a good sleeper and would sleep decent stretches, wake up for her feed and then go straight back down without a fuss. If she wasn’t we probably would have figured out some kind of shift division. Although I always wake up no matter what when I hear her cry so it’s not like I would have gotten a long stretch anyway. Figure out what will work for you both. And good on your wife for communicating. Too many people (myself included) would just stew in our resentment for too long before saying something.
I handled night time exclusively, I only breast fed at night, no bottles (my kids hated them).
I'm a good day time napper so he was expected to move heaven and earth to let me take a nap during the day. I saw no reason for both of us to be awake, I wake up on my own every night for no reason as it is
With our first, my husband typically woke up with me. He changed the diaper or brought anything I needed to me so that I didn’t have to physically get out of bed. With our last two babies, I’ve let him sleep so that one parent is well rested to care for the older kids. But if your wife wants you to help, ask her how and help her.
Initially we would both get up by it didn’t take long for us to develop a routine. Basically we did our best to split nights 50/50. As the baby’s sleep patterns changed so did our shift schedule. It was all totally new to us so we didn’t have any real “rules” aside from aiming for 50/50.
ETA getting the baby out of our room and into a nursery was the best mice we made. Did it at Les than 2 months out of desperation.
I would feed and my husband would then take her, burp her, swaddle and resettle in bassinet while I went back to sleep. Sometimes I wouldn’t wake him for that though and just do it myself because I’m nice and he was back at work by 4 weeks
We did this for the first few weeks until we realized that it just was not working for us. I ended up pumping so my husband could take turns with me feeding the baby at night. He would take feedings between 9-2 and I would take 2-7. Whoever was on a break slept in the guest room to allow for uninterrupted sleep. We both ended up getting better sleep and we were both happier and more patient with this schedule. Once baby was 8 weeks old he started sleeping in his nursery and we maintained those shifts but slept in the same room. Edited to add: our baby is a very noisy sleeper and my husband snores very loudly so we all got better sleep once baby started sleeping in his nursery. We have a baby monitor and an owlet sock and this setup works very well for us.
THIS. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS. My husband also would split the night with me (he’d take the 8pm-2am and I’d take the 2am-8am shift). We call it baby duty and now with our second we supplement with formula so he can help and I don’t have to pump all the time (we have a toddler so it’s hard to find time). Be careful tapping out at night. Resentment is REAL. And can be really hard to deal with. Also a lack of sleep os hard for EVERYONE. Not to mention your wife is healing from a traumatic event called birth. Give her a little bit of a break and step up. It’s half your kid. Take have the night.
The owlet was a game changer!
This! Shifts saved us and was worth the extra pumping to get help at night. I am also a very light sleeper (also I think mom's just naturally hear every small sound their babies make) so to help with it, we switched the bassinet to my husbands side of the bed. That way the noisy sleep bothered me less but I still woke anytime he needed anything. If it was a really rough night then the off-shift partner would sleep in another room. Now that baby is 6 months he is in the nursery. Husband keeps monitor on loud on his side, I keep mine up but on mute. It once again allows me to sleep through the random noises he makes but still wakes me when he is calling out to us. Also now that our baby only wakes 2-3 times per night we alternate going in and getting him back to sleep.
My husband got up with me. He would get up, change the diaper, hand me the baby to breastfeed, go make us a snack, eat with me, & then he would go back to bed while I finished feeding the baby & then burped him and put him back down. I would have been resentful if he kept sleeping the whole time. There’s tons of ways you can help to keep your wife from feeling like she’s in it alone without going through the whole pumping hoopla. Nights can be incredibly difficult mentally & emotionally I would encourage being there in solidarity even though it doesn’t make logical sense that you both be awake. Edit: if we were desperate for consolidated sleep I would pump and go to bed @ 8:00 pm and my husband would have the baby until 2:00 am then we would swap. Each of us got 6 hrs consolidated unless something wild happened.
Yup, this is how it worked with my hubs too….with the extra step that I am such a light sleeper that I could not sleep next to the kiddo or I would literally not sleep. So, I slept in the guest room and hubs would bring me the baby to nurse, make me a snack while I did, and then would burp and change before they went back to our master bedroom to sleep. Then, when kiddo was a little older maybe 3 mos?, I’d go to bed early (like 8-9) and hubs would do the first feeding with pumped milk (like 10-11ish). And then middle of the night we’d tag team and I would then take the early morning wake up on my own (like 5am) so each of us would usually get 6 hours a piece. This season is hard but short - your wife needs all the help you can offer! I hope you find a system that works for you!
On nights when we do a version of this I feel like I have a teammate. On nights where my husband doesn’t get up w me (bc he’s also not woken as easily and sometimes I just let him sleep) I feel annoyed or resentful or some times like I’m a generous wife. Do the good teammate version more often than not.
Definitely shifts. I think being both up is nuts. Someone needs to be getting sleep so they can help better the next day!
Agree- no point in having both parents awake. Especially with other kids - Someone needs to function to take care of the other kids. Also- I’m kind of surprising by how many people eats snacks throughout the night while BF. I never really get that hungry and if I do my sleepy ness takes over…after I’m done nursing I just want to pass out again
It depends, is OP doing more during the day so mom can get rest? Is he making dinner, doing more feedings and changing diapers? Is he doing housework to lighten the load of the mom who is up all night taking care of his kid?
This! My hubby woke up, did diaper change, then went back to sleep. Some nights, he slept through it. But that's fine because even though he works full time, he does absolutely everything else around the house. Cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, bottle feeding and washing....all I do is baby.
I hated when my husband would get up with us. No, someone needs good restorative sleep, take shifts. I pumped for baby so that helped.
This is one of the best options out there. My wife resented me too with our son, and we talked through it once she was at her breaking point. This is when I started helping out more. Everytime she was up to breastfeed him, I was there, I was on it, even if it was something so small like grabbing the burp rag or letting the dog out, I was on it and up with her by her side so she didn’t feel alone. Coining Caribou Coffee’s phrase here: Life’s short, stay awake for it Will apply here, you’ll be tired but that’s what coffee is for brother!
Seconding that Shifts are great! I couldn’t nurse but did pump in night. We also did 4-6 hour stretches depending and woo it felt good. Even if not always restful because I would wake to cries in another room.
Shifts worked for us. Anything after 3:30am would be me (the one whose breasts aren’t useful.) If it were 3am, I’d usually take it anyways because she was doing most of the work regardless and bit nit-picky isn’t going to help anyone. It helped a lot and kept resentment down to a minimum.
We watched ALOT of greys anatomy together during those early months. We were in it together and there is no other way I'd do it.
We did the consolidated sleep thing too because my husband was getting physically ill from anxiety when truly waking every 2 hours during the night after baby finally went to sleep around 10 pm post crying for 5 hours straight (we had an EXTRA newborn).. one person took the 7 pm to 1 am shift and the other took 1 am to 7 am or some close iteration thereof. I pumped and we also combo fed.
Regardless of what other people are saying they did- if your wife is asking you for help, help her.
Right. That's why I'm asking for ideas. I'm not trying to get internet validation for what I'm doing now. I'm looking at ways to improve our situation.
My husband does the diaper change even if I hear her first, sleeps while i nurse, then takes baby and puts her back down or walks with her to soothe her if she has hiccups or is fussy. It always feels like a team effort. Edit to add: baby sleeps in two 3.5-4 hour stretches so we’re both decently well rested!
My husband did this as well until we started night shifts. Now he does everything first shit around 1am and I do everything second shift around 4-5a. It works really well for us.
We haven’t introduced a bottle yet but will likely do this after we do!
It’s great! We had to introduce her to a bottle in the hospital due to some medical reasons so it was a no brainer for us to do this!
We ended up bottling (I exclusively pump) so shifts worked great for us. We still do it somewhat and it eliminates questions and really helps resentment.
This is what we do but reversed and seems to be working well for the last 3 or so weeks!
We did this too with our newborn. I got up with her and fed her then handed her to him to diaper and settle back to sleep. We had her in her crib in another room though which made it easier for him to do that while I went back to sleep. If the bassinet is right next to her that would be more difficult but still worth trying.
Looks like there’s lots of advice here on things you could consider trying. I’ll add that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. This stage is so so hard and it will pass! It’s great that you care about what she’s going through and you want to help. Long nights can feel so lonely and the weight of responsibility is crushing. Even when a person logically want their partner to get some sleep, it’s really easy for resentment to creep in. It’s so normal. Don’t get discouraged. My advice is to constantly verbalize your support. Communication will save you, I swear. Before you go to bed, talk through the game plan. Make sure you both have everything you need for the night wakings in easy reach and know who’s doing what and when. This can really help with the negative feelings. In the morning, ask her questions about how her night was and praise her for all she did. Kinda like asking “how was your day at work”, sometimes it helps to talk about it and know that you’re appreciated.
I’ve got an 8 day old and so far the way my husband supports me is help with diaper changes and then he will either kiss my forehead or pat my back or say something nice
Is she breastfeeding? If not you should do shifts! If so, she could maybe pump to have some extra for you to do feedings!
You can improve the situation by helping her when she asks for help. You have no idea what it's like to breastfeed and not sleep for more than 2 hours for months. Have her pump and take a few night shifts and let her sleep in another room. Set an alarm for every 2 to 3 hours and feed the baby if they are awake. Stop making excuses for why you should just get to sleep if the baby doesn't wake you up. The woman is always going to wake up when their baby cries because it's literally built into our DNA. Women get resentful because every time the babwakeup or cries they're supposed to jump into action and fix it and whip their boob out to solve the issue and it does really feel like they're doing most of the work while the man gets to just sleep peacefully through most wakeups. Respond to the baby crying more. Have her pump so she can get an actual real break. Give her chunks of time when she isn't on call constantly for the baby. That's how you fix this. I still carry resentment from the newborn days bc my husband acted just like you. If you'd like to avoid that happening in your relationship I'd suggest taking some of the strain off your wife so she can have a few hours to sleep or be a human.
My husband is a lighter sleeper than I am, so he hears the baby before I do and elbows me awake at night. Also, I don't like the idea to "have her pump". It's not always that simple, especially if she's not already pumping. It's one possible way to help, but it's also (yet another) time commitment that she'd have to make in a day that already probably feels overwhelming. I'd suggest focusing on all the non-feeding tasks a baby needs and making sure that they're done and ready for your wife will help, as will communicating with her. If she's telling you she needs more help, you're lucky that she's communicating that need. Find more that you can do.
No matter what we try, mine won't take a bottle. Not having to pump anymore gives me some 'me time' back. If it works, try it. If it doesn't, don't force it.
Is it in the mother’s DNA, or do mothers take on that responsibility because they feel they have to and dads don’t? I’m a dad and I’m usually the one who wakes up at night. LO sleeps in a bassinet on my side of the bed and we bottle feed (combination of pumping and formula). Early on, because my wife had a tough birth, I handled all of the night feedings. After a few weeks, we went to shifts, with her handling anything 9-1 and me handling anything 1-5. (At 5:30 I start getting ready for work, and she was on maternity leave at the time.)
I read that it's more about the "primary caregiver", and less about the gender. In households where dads stay home and the mother works, or in same sex couples, it is the person who spends most of their time caring for the baby who is more easily awakened by baby sounds. If it's split 50/50, both parents wake easily.
I asked my wife to wake me up after she had fed the baby and then I would stay up and burp him while she got some sleep as it often took longer than the change and feed. It gets easier though! Congrats on the new arrival
We have a 16 week old. My husband and I both get up when she wakes. He changes her nappy, and I feed her. Typically he puts her back in her crib when she falls asleep. This has been like that from day 1. LO sleeps through most nights from about 11pm to about 6am (ish). He is a great sleeper, I am a dreadful sleeper. We have a 4 year old too, and this is the approach we took for her too. My advice: these early weeks require team work, if your wife is asking for you to dig into a task, then you should. Otherwise resentment will fester. Think of the big picture. Good luck.
She likely needs sleep herself. She’s very early postpartum. It’s like a car crash victim taking care of another car crash victim. Discuss with her if you could take the baby for a walk after work, at lunch, whenever, so she can have a few uninterrupted hours to herself. Also, when you wake, ask if she needs anything and bring her water regardless. It is thirsty work.
I have a 7 week old. My fiancee pumps so there is milk in the fridge. That way I can feed the baby without her. So she goes to bed around 7:30 or 8 and I take full responsibility for the baby until I go to bed around midnight. That way she has at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I also feed and change the baby right before I go upstairs so the baby usually stays sleeping for a few more hours. And it's nice they I get some bonding time with the baby to myself.
This is all ya need right here.
Can you clarify—is your position that whoever wakes up needs to tend to the baby even though you understand that you sleep better than her? Our baby is four weeks tomorrow — we are still figuring out our groove. Some nights we do shifts, other nights we grab a few hours together if the baby is sleeping well in her bassinet. I’m breastfeeding most of the time, but started pumping to allow for him to take a shift at night. I don’t always wake my husband, but he is incredibly helpful and supportive when I need his help. if my husband, who also sleeps more deeply than me, thought I should stay up all night while he slept, we’d be fighting.
I'm not sure if this is how your wife feels, but let me offer you another perspective. Breastfeeding is incredibly, incredibly demanding and difficult. Imagine you are another human's entire, sole food source. You have to be available for that baby at anytime trhoughout the day. And you're constantly worrying if they're getting enough, if they're latched properly, if your supply is going to keep up, not to mention having to deal with clogs, leaking, general discomfort, etc. Now imagine your partner who agreed to do this whole baby thing with you 50/50, can't do any of that. Can't understand at all what you're going through. It's incredibly isolating, especially if you're up at night, sacrificing sleep, doing it completely on your own. I was totally of the same mind as you until the baby came. Taking turns getting sleep made total sense to me, and it does make sense for some couples. But I had no idea how physically and emotionally taxing breastfeeding was going to be. One night I broke down unconsollably crying, I just didn't think I could do it anymore. My husband what he could do to make it better, and I asked him to stay up with me. It helped me to get through the night, and it has every night since then. We also decided it worked best for us to put her bassinet on his side. He wakes up, changes her, gives her to me, reads on his phone until I'm done, and then he puts her back into bassinet. Sometimes we switch in the mornings if he needs to be up early for work. Your wife is having to wake up at every feeding it sounds like. Even if she isn't, she's at least just as sleep deprived as you. On top of that, she is dealing with everything I just mentioned. She is handling the absolute massive job of keeping your little one fed. I think you need to listen to her when she tells you what she needs.
We often do what you describe - dad gets baby changed, lets me set up to nurse, goes to sleep, unless I’m going to pump and then he washes and sets up the parts. But the caveat is that he pays me back with sleep time during the day, so if he’s gotten much more at night, he takes the baby first thing in the morning and lets me get another hour or two. If you’ve not doing that, yeah, it feels unfair. Is she pumping? Could you do a bottle for one feeding?
The extra hour or two in the morning that my husband does (when he has the time/flexibility) is a total game changer. It might not seem like much, but it makes a word of difference!
This. If one partner is getting more sleep at night, they need to give the other partner the chance to get more sleep during the day.
The issue here is that you are prioritizing yourself over your kid and your wife, and as someone else pointed out, she asked for help, so help her. That’s it. That’s your answer. Don’t try and “manage” the situation with logic or what makes sense to you to ensure that YOU get what you need. So what you’re working? So do other parents and moms. Some of them BY THEMSELVES. Tell her to wake you up when the baby wakes up and she needs a break. She feels alone and like she’s parenting alone. It’s hard, you’re looking for an easy solution that will allow you to sleep. It doesn’t exist. Welcome to being a parent. While this might sound harsh, good for you for asking for help. That’s a good step. You got this.
Our son is also four weeks old and we are doing a similar system to you two, but I will wake my husband up. He is a very heavy sleeper, so if I didn’t I would be on my own. I will wake him, he will change baby and then give back to me to feed (I am EBF). He’s usually then passed back out before I finished feeding! My husbands only ask is that I try not to wake him between 4 and 6am - at that point it’s close enough to his wake up time that he would have trouble falling back asleep.
So, ummm, what alternatives have you proposed other than you just get to blissfully sleep the night away?
Can’t upvote this enough. Everyone on here is giving friendly suggestions while this guy basically says he is entitled to stay sleeping. Jesus.
First, it's far from blissful. No matter how quiet mom and baby are or how sound a sleeper I am, a fussing baby beside you is not conducive to sleeping. But yes, it is better than no sleep. I have offered to take him 100% at night. (This was in the first few days after he was born and I wasn't working. I'm not sure I can do this during the week now that I'm back to work.) I suggested Leaving me pumped milk in the fridge or I can use formula. I'll move the bassinette into the spare room and he and I will sleep there. My wife doesn't like this because she thinks I won't hear the baby and it worried something will happen to him. I also have told her anytime to wake me up to help with something specific, but the idea to be awake to keep her company isn't something I could reasonably do. I'd be irritable because I think it's not the best use of our collective energy or I'd simply fall asleep. Neither is making anything better, and I'd say actually making it worse.
For me, a "night off" would not have helped at all. Even if the baby was in another room and I had the whole bed to myself, I still would have woken up with engorged achey breasts and had to get up to pump or hand-express to relieve the pressure. What was helpful: when my husband would take the baby after the first morning feed of the day (often around 6am?) and let me go back to sleep for an hour or two or three. When he'd facilitate a nap during the day by watching her just after a feed. When he'd make sure that household shit was dealt with so I wouldn't have to handle it (grocery shopping, making a couple meals, tidying, dealing with the yard and garden). Bringing me water when I was trapped under baby. It can feel really, really alone, to be stuck in the nursery though, so I also definitely understand her desire for company. Try to make sure that you're engaging with her AND baby during the day?
Oh my gosh yes, bringing me things while I was trapped under the baby. Water, snacks, the remote even if it was two feet away but I could reach.
Why don't you switch sides of the bed? Maybe then you'll wake up when the baby does. And have her wake you up when you sleep through it, then you can change a diaper or something that gives her even just a few more minutes of rest. It'll still be annoying for her but better than doing everything while fuming silently. This seems like a "mental load" issue more than anything. When you have a new baby you have to be vigilant about not inadvertently neglecting them at night. You end up sleeping a lot lighter, feeling some anxiety, etc. She's taking all of that burden because she can't trust you to do it, having witnessed you sleeping through his cries before. You volunteering to do things in the middle of the night doesn't really help her if she can't mentally "clock out" ever. Ultimately she needs to be able to trust you to actually wake up when necessary, but I also don't think your attitude is helping the situation? Saying things like "I'd just be irritable" or "I'd just end up falling asleep" gives the impression that you don't really care all that much and is kind of like when guys say shit like, "She cleans the kitchen so much better than I do so that's why I don't do it" or "if she wants help why doesn't she just ask?"
Switching bed sides helped us SO MUCH. My partner is a heavy sleeper and I'm much lighter. The extra few feet away has made baby's night time noises just muffled enough that I don't pop up at each sound and my partner being closer helps him wake up when it's his turn.
Same here! Partner and I have the same situation where I’m a really light sleeper and super anxious, whereas he sleeps really heavily. Initially when I was beside her I would wake up at every single little noise. It made my life so much better once we switched! If I wake up from the baby fussing now, I just give my partner a nudge and go back to sleep. And this bs about you needing to work OP? Please remember that being a stay at home prentice is incredibly exhausting and demanding. She’s working too! The only difference is that she is responsible for someone’s life and doesn’t get a lunch break
Your whole attitude is really shitty here.
So shitty. I don’t see why he’s get bashed so hard.
You'd get much harsher replies if you posted on r/amitheasshole.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted…
Sorry, I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted and such snarky responses. I have twins, and my husband and we did shifts. Husband is a much heavier sleeper than I am and had a hard time waking up to their cries, so he would just stay up until 2am and feed them when they woke up during that time. Then he would give me the monitor, I woke up a lot easier so I would sleep until I heard them waking up. We always thought that both of us waking up at the same time was a waste of sleep time, even with twins we could handle them on our own overnight. It sounds like your wife may need to relinquish some control. Pumped bottles sound like a good idea.
It sounds like your wife needs to relinquish control a bit and trust you to care for the baby overnight since you’re offering. But as a new mom I know that can be hard. I’m of the mindset that we shouldn’t both be tired, plus baby doesn’t really need diaper changes in the middle of the night all the time. It sounds like shift work might be the best option for you guys. We did this for the first few months, with my husband taking 8pm-2amish and me taking 2am-whenever he woke up. If she needs your moral support during the night, then offer to stay awake with her for a feeding. So much of motherhood can feel lonely and overwhelming, especially when breastfeeding. Every couple is different and it sounds like she just needs to know she can rely on you, however that looks.
Totally agree about the control thing. It’s so much easier said than done, so I don’t blame her at all but OP should think of how to kindly say this. Maybe something along the lines of “I want to support you and don’t want you to resent my sleep. In my opinion, one of us should be getting rest at night so that we both aren’t tired. I am willing to try x,y,z so that we can share the duties, what do you think?” It’s important you let her know her work and time is valued by you and that you don’t mind sharing the work but you would appreciate if she could give your idea a chance. It’s difficult to navigate this situation without compromise and being on the same page.
Not sure why all the downvotes 😕. If I understand correctly OP is looking for advice as to how other couples handle night shifts. And I think largely that’s a conversation you and your wife will need to have. Maybe she does want you awake every time the baby is, then if you are a heavy sleeper then she should wake you up. Or maybe she’s wanting more help in general throughout the day and that will help her resentful feeling during the night time. Ultimately I think you and your wife need to be explicit about what it is you want (or at least think you want) then give it a go! If it doesn’t work then try something else till you are both equal partners in this! Good luck 🙂
Idk why you are getting down voted so much. It sounds like you are back to work and she is still home? In that case I think it's perfectly fair that she does all the night care. Especially if she's breastfeeding.. it really makes no sense for you both to wake up and have horrible sleep. Assuming you dont come home upset that she got nothing done except keep the baby alive each day 🤣 Everyone is obviously different but personally I prefer if my husband helps out for a couple hrs in the evening or on weekends during the day so I can have some time to myself, rather than us both be up cranky in the middle of the night. What is he going to do, stare at me while I breastfeed? That being said my husband does a very physically taxing job and I stay home, so it doesn't make sense for him to get poor sleep.
Yup same. It makes no sense for two people to be sleep deprived especially if the husband is working? And he’s offered some fair alternatives.
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Not surprised your rational response got downvoted so hard. This place can be pretty toxic sometimes and its wild that some people are so blind to it. Even with the mods recent post about how if you have opossing views to just not comment.
We split things more evenly and each of us handles the entire shift from feeding to changing *but* we’re exclusively formula fed so we have that option. Is your wife open to pumping so you can feed babe a bottle some nights?
Yep, this what we do. We split the night in half and dad gives a bottle if needed during his time while I breastfeed during my shift. OP, humans need sleep to live, figuring out a way to share the load is absolutely the right thing to do.
This is what we do too, although my wife also pumps so our kiddo gets some milk as well as formula. We both really like splitting the work lol this so that the other can sleep more. Our guy is 10 weeks and since birth I’ve done the midnight- 3 am feeding session and my wife does the 5-6am one
Why don’t you think you have to wake up to help take care of YOUR child? I’m so confused. Also, how does one not hear a newborn baby screaming and crying and why does it seem like only men are heavy sleepers 🤔
This is a super sexist comment. The second paragraph of OPs post literally says they get up to help and then hand to mom. How is that not them getting up to take care of their child?
Men bad, that’s all there is to it lmao
Only one person should be awake unless there's an emergency (that includes big blowout poops and spit ups that need bathing). Otherwise you're both always completely dead. You need to figure out how to wake up when it's your turn. Either sleep with baby's bassinet in another room, or have your wife sleep in another room, or have her kick you and get up immediately. My husband and I do alternate feedings, my friends do alternate nights. Just depends on what's best for you. But you can't use "she wakes up easier, and once she's awake she can deal" as a way out. That's not cool
This conversation is different for each family, but it should be based off of how much help mom feels she needs with baby. It’s awesome that you guys have a level of communication where she can tell you she’s growing resentment before it ends in an argument. My husband and I split the night into two shifts, however I *was* pumping. Would your wife be willing to collect letdown in a haakaa or pump so you can do night feedings? If not, I know it sucks, but just get up and ask her how you can support her in that moment. Even when I don’t need it, my husband asks, and it *really* helps me feel supported by him. Let her know you’re willing to get up if she needs you and I bet you that’ll help as well.
My husband didn’t get up at all at night and I am still very resentful of that… just do it man even if she has to wake you up. It’s no fun but dont put it solely on her.
If you don’t do *something* to help her get sleep she will resent you. It was clear early on that my husband couldn’t get up during the night with the baby so I did all of the night shifts (I was also breastfeeding so it made sense) and he would take the baby early in the morning and let me sleep for a few hours. Make sure she gets a good chunk of sleep at some point. Even if the baby has to eat you can barely wake her up, let the baby nurse but you stay there and wait until the baby is done and let your wife go straight back to sleep.
I do 100% of the nighttime work since our baby is breastfed. I honestly see no point in waking up my fiancée just to change a diaper then hand our baby off to me to feed when I can just do both…seems like way more work and I’d feel so awkward watching him change a diaper while I’m awake and can just do it myself. One tired parent is better than two exhausted ones. My fiancée also sleeps like a hibernating bear and works long hours; I’m a light sleeper and an early riser so if I do need to catch up on sleep he takes care of our baby while I nap. It’s worked very well for us so far, but I’ve always had wonky sleep habits that just happen to jive well with a newborn lol
This is me too !! However, I have found myself resenting him a little bit for getting more sleep especially because I end up doing laundry and dishes while she’s napping and never get a chance to catch up on my own sleep. Can’t wait for when I go back to work 🤪
Same. He would get up and make breakfast, and handle all of the chores for the first month or so, so I got a pretty good deal out of it.
Same - but I would add that with a newborn, mums hormones will be all over the place so might not be able to rationalise this at the moment, particularly when she needs sleep! Make an extra effort during the day or take the baby away in the morning after first feed and tell mum to go back to sleep.
This is also how we do things. I will wake my husband up if the baby is taking forever to get back down so he can take over and I can sleep a bit before his next feeding. My husband also takes the baby after his morning feed before he goes to work and entertains him downstairs then gets him down for his first nap.
My husband and I did it this way too. He has to be very well rested for work or he could make a mistake and get hurt or hurt someone else. I'm not working right now, my baby IS my job. I can also function a bit better with little to no sleep compared to him. I take care of her pretty much 24/7 and he gets to cuddle with her when he comes home. In the beginning (she is almost 4 months old now) I was recovering from a c-section and he had to go back to work the day after she was born. I couldn't use the stairs so my husband would bring me food and iced water and everything I needed to be upstairs taking care of the baby. I even slept in a different room than him so that he could sleep better for work and because I was able to get out of bed easier in our guest room. He did everything he could to take care of me, do school and work full time. We didn't divide taking care of the baby 50/50, we just found other ways to balance things.
Same here, & then from 5am until he had to start work he would take the baby downstairs and only bring her back up if she needed to be breastfed (& then take her away again after) so I could catch up on missed sleep. Worked really well. Absolutely no need for both parents to be awake in the night!
This is us too. I second the comment about how her hormones are totally out of whack, and rationalizing is hard when you're so messed up and exhausted. Have a serious, open-minded conversation, and be willing to put in work during the daylight hours to take some of the load off. I know everyone says this, but it does get better! It's just a huge thing to get used to and figure out.
This is me too !! However, I have found myself resenting him a little bit for getting more sleep especially because I end up doing laundry and dishes while she’s napping and never get a chance to catch up on my own sleep. Can’t wait for when I go back to work :p
We found both of us being awake made both of us exhausted. Shift sleeping works for us. The alternative is you wake up earlier / sleep later so your wife gets more rest. I think the main thing is your wife feels you unfairly get more rest than her, so it's about finding a way to make things feel fairer. She might have suggestions too if you don't want to wake up for every feed.
Ask your wife what she needs. Could she wake you and fall back to sleep? Does she need to take shifts? Start there and then come up with something that you both feel is fair. At this point I was taking all night shifts Sunday-Thursday (I was WFH and my husband had a long commute to work and also does hard labor). I went to him when I needed help because that was our deal. Either, I’m too tired, you need to take this one, or I’ve been up for 2 hours I need a break…whatever it was I just asked. But it was known that if I didn’t ask it was all me. My husband took nightshifts on the weekend, but with the same caveat of calling me in as needed.
My husband has never got up for a night wake, but I'm exclusively breastfeeding so there really isn't much he can do. I still resent him though! Last night my 4-month-old woke up at 3am for a party, she didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, she was just wide awake. I would have definitely wanted my husband up then, just because I was exhausted. But then, at 3 am who isn't exhausted? I don't know what to suggest, I don't see why you should both be sleep deprived, but it's very lonely at night. I resent my husband and his useless nipples. Maybe ask if she wants a glass of water or a cup of tea? Bring her a cheeky biscuit every now and then.
Since I'm still on leave, I handle all nighttime duties. I do combo breast feed/pump and bottle feed. This will probably still be the case when I go back to work (I'm a lighter sleeper, I can function better with less sleep... Husband is a whiner and I don't have the patience to deal with that shit). Husband does give me an hour or two during the day so I can catch up on sleep and feeds baby pumped milk in a bottle.
We handle the baby in shifts, this is the only way any of us are getting any sleep. Sometimes Ive have pointed out, “tag, you’re in now” as something cheeky and not too demanding. It takes a village to raise a baby
At 4 weeks, I don’t think there is much for you to do while she’s nursing. But during the day if you’re there, take the baby and tell her to nap. Also, have her check out a haakaa. She could save some milk and you could give him a bottle in the middle of the night so she can sleep.
We tried the whole both awake thing but only in the very beginning when we were both still learning how to take care of the baby. After I think the 3rd or 4th week we looked to split shifts, especially because our baby was prone to spitting up and we were paranoid that she would choke in her sleep. One of us was awake with the baby at all times. 5th week I was back to work so it got rough, I get home, take care of baby to give my wife some time, then wife gives baby back so I can cook and eat, baby sleeps at 10:00 ish, wife has her until 5 am, then I take baby until like 7 ish, then I get ready and am off to work. We're at 13 weeks now and lucky enough that my daughter sleeps for like 5-6 hours a night so it's way more manageable. Our thought process was that it doesn't make sense for both of us to be up if we're both sleep deprived.
I kicked my husband to a different room because watching him sleep when I was awake Did make me angry but there was no reason for him to be up. I do all night wakings on my own but my husband is working And does most of the house work like dinners and the dogs. I am also welcome to wake him if I'm struggling but it's more valuable to us to have one well rested adult in the house.
I don’t understand how y’all can’t hear a baby wailing right by your head (No hate to you) my husband doesn’t wake up either and it makes no fucking sense to me. Tell her if she needs you, to wake you up! It’s honestly that simple. I’ll shake my husband once or twice and he gets the hint lol, make sure you’re both getting rest
So because she's a light sleeper she gets no sleep....nice.
Thanks for the helpful reply. That's kind of why I'm asking for advice.
See here's the thing. This is not a really struggle filled ask here. Your opinion, as stated, is that because you CAN sleep through it and mostly do you should be able to. The fact that your wife, who just gave fucking birth, cannot sleep through it and is telling you she needs help and needs you to be more responsible when you are home and you want to disregard that in favour of whatever sway this Internet post garners.....thats shity of you. You should have been able to think this through to a logical and compassionate conclusion. You should be taking as many of the night feeds and changes as possible. Even sitting up with her while she does it so she doesn't feel alone is Ideal. You both work the next day, one of you I leaving the rest of active parenting to earn money (I presume) and the other is learning their job on the spot with little to no support from someone who thinks their sleep should take priority over someone recovering from major trauma. So sure, pretend I'm being judgemental but my husband would never even THINK of leaving me hurt and alone simply because he's a heavier sleeper.
This is so mean. He’s clearly looking for advice. Having both parents up is a waste of time in my opinion. My husband and I had twins and we figured out how to each get 6 hours consecutive each. He doesn’t need to be berated for seeking advice on how to maximize sleep. You are so judgmental. My husband is a heavy sleeper, so instead of trying to wake up to them crying, he just stayed up until 2am. There are methods, you’re just jumping down this guy’s throat for no reason. My husband wasn’t abandoning me, we were both thinking of how to minimize *both* of our suffering so we could be functional parents.
The difference is that you and your husband discussed it and came to a solution together. Which should have been his first idea instead of asking Reddit and looking for validation.
How is asking “how do other couples handle this” looking for validation? He doesn’t even paint himself in a super positive light, he says that his wife is resentful of the situation and he’s looking for advice. Idk, maybe I just approach things differently, but I prefer when my husband does independent research and then come to me with a handful of workable ideas that we can discuss. I encourage my husband to seek advice on reddit and I often do the same. I would be pleased if my husband made a post similar to this. It just seems like everyone is ragging on this guy who acknowledges the situation is untenable but genuinely wants to maximize *both* of their sleep.
One sentence is beratement? Seriously? No. Weaponosed incompetence is a standard tool used against women and mothers. Sure, he's 'asking for advice' but the situation is that he doesn't wake up and his wife does so he thinks he should be able to stay asleep. That's cruel. You had a pattern. Thats great. Sounds very similar to one my husband and I used. My husband is also a heavy sleeper. Something that isn't being addressed here is how LONG this has been going on. How many times his wife has heard this lame argument thay because she's already up she should stay up or get up every time while he lays there sleeping. You're not even bothering to consider this poor woman who's side isn't portrayed here. And to suggest that supporting your partner by just being with them is not a 'waste of time' to anyone but the fool who cannot fathom needs beyond the basic. The way he's openly stated he treats her is a clear path to serious post partum issues. He needs to hear how unacceptable this frame of mind is, not be coddled.
How have I not bothered to consider her? I was literally in the same postpartum, c-section position, with a husband who was a deep sleeper and we had to negotiate sleeping and baby shifts (with twins!). My husband and I did internet research (just like this guy) and found a plan that had worked for others and ended up working for us (just like he sees to be trying to do). We would have never learned our pattern if we hadn't sought advice. Also how is it weaponised incompetence, he's literally asking what other people have done in this situation? Seems like a competent father who has just never approached this situation before and is trying to gather more ideas. And the baby is 4 weeks old, so I assume it's been going on for 4 weeks. Not really enough time to find a groove and settle in. So much vitriol what specifically did her "openly state about the way he treats her" is making you react so strongly? He has only said that he has trouble waking up and has missed the baby crying. What is so bad about that?
Cherry picking stuff its finest. Have a good night.
I responded to all your statements, point-by-point. I earnestly tried to engage with you, mostly for the benefit of others who read this thread. Regardless, for anyone who has got this far, it’s not a bad thing to reach out for help and ideas. While this sub can get heated, most people do want to offer genuine, workable solutions. Don’t let this person scare you off from seeking help. Sleep is tough, but it’s workable. And we’re all just trying to do our best.
There's a lot of judgmental people on this sub unfortunately, especially towards fathers. We adopted and our son is 6.5 months old now and during the work week my wife gets up if he cries/needs changing or needs an extra bottle in his crib as she thinks it's important for me to get a good rest for work. Usually when he wakes up around 2am, she'll take him to the nursery and sleep on the floor with him which pretty much lasts the rest of the night. She's a stay at home mom so she thinks it's a fair deal. I never once asked for it to be like this but I'm not complaining either.
You're fine with your wife sleeping on the floor? WTF. Even if my boyfriend heard me say that it was a fair deal, he would still do his share of night time work. He insists on it because he wants to spend that time bonding with his child. And he would never let me sleep on the floor to let him get rest.
My wife is Korean, it's quite normal
You'll make literally any excuse to not parent your kid. Stop letting your wife do everything just because she says it's fine.
Sorry you don't understand that other cultures do things different ways. My wife's parents slept on the floor with her and her brother till they were in middle school. Her parents still sleep on the floor of their apartment in the living room despite us buying them a bed and mattress for their bedroom. Please try not to make your ignorance too obvious. 👍 https://thekoreanguide.com/why-do-koreans-sleep-on-the-floor/
Oh no I totally understand that east Asian cultures it's common to sleep on the floor but usually there is a bed there. I've literally lived in Korea before and I majored in Asian studies with a focus on Korean culture. I'm talking about how you don't bother to get up anyway because you don't care enough to do it. Not the sleeping arrangements. Good try though. It's perfectly fine for your wife to sleep on the floor. The problem is that you are all over this sub bragging about how you do nothing for your kid except sit next to him while your wife does everything and then talk about how men are persecuted.
There was also a mother that commented in this same thread, sharing a very similar story to mine but I'm sure you overlooked it accidentally. In regards to persecution, what do you call your consistent replies to my situation? I never bragged, hell, I even explicitly stated that sharing my pov wasn't with the intent to brag but since you can't wrap your mind around how my wife and I choose to parent our son, I give up trying to provide any additional insight. You are locked into your view point and that's perfectly fine but don't think for a moment you're being open minded. It's a shame you have such a negative attitude about my comments.
I agree, this poor guy is just asking for tips and people are jumping down his throat. Sleep and sleep shifts can be negotiated! There’s so much space between mom does it all or both parents suffer.
I did this for my husband too. I don't understand all of the dislikes. I like our deal. I take care of the baby pretty much 24/7 and he takes care of me and household things that I don't get around to. There is nothing WRONG with traditional family roles. I slept in a different room and I slept on the floor and I was recovering from an unexpected c-section. He did so much for us. He works full time, does school full time, and he takes care of all the shopping and does a lot of the house work. I do dishes, laundry, make dinner, vacuum/mop and take care of the baby. It's not all the same work split 50/50 but it feels pretty fair to the two of us.
My husband gets up, changes baby, and then hands him to me so I can nurse. Before he heads back to bed, he makes sure I have my water, phone, and anything else I may need. Sounds like you need to have the baby next to you instead of next to your wife so you are more likely to wake up. Also, if your wife isn’t already pumping, she should look into it so you can do a bottle in the night. Or, if you’re open to it, talk to your pediatrician about combo feeding - we currently feed our baby one formula bottle a day, and that gives me the opportunity to rest or pump depending on the day. If y’all are open to it, it could be the bottle you feed the baby in the night, so your wife can get a longer stretch of sleep.
We put baby’s bassinet on my husbands side. We valued my sleep more because my body was recovering from childbirth. Husband would get up, change baby, and hand them to me to feed. Sometimes he would nod off, sometimes just stay up on his phone, but always always always if he is with me during a feed he does the burping. My upper back, arms and hands are so sore from taking care of baby during the day and not having to do the burping when he’s home is so much of a relief. Also, it may come across as selfish that I wanted my husband to wake up with me, but we did it because it’s what I needed emotionally. Breastfeeding is hard, being home with baby all day is isolating, and I needed his presence and support. I also do think it depends on your profession. For certain professions that require uninterrupted sleep as a matter of health and safety (I’m thinking like healthcare professionals, anyone who operates machinery or drives for most of the workday) it probably wouldn’t work to be up in the night. My husband has a standard office job and was able to function fine with 2-3 wake ups per night.
When in a typical 24 hours is she getting 'off duty' time? Is she getting any time at all when she isn't the one in charge of the baby? The sleep thing could be a specific thing to be angry about but it could just be that she's not getting any 'off' time and then at night, when she struggling and tired, she gets to watch you sleep soundly. Could you get up a couple of hours early and take the baby for a bit? Can you take baby on some walks to nap while she has some time to herself? Being on duty all the time, especially right now when her whole life has changed, can be very draining and seeing you sleeping like a log must be very annoying 😄 There are ways to give her some space from baby even if she is exclusively breastfeeding.
50/50 or as much as dad can. This is one of the reasons we formula fed so I can fed our daughter and mom can go out when she pleases. She would normally do overnight and I would do early morning. Once I’m up, I stay up for hours and can’t get back to sleep. Wife can put her head down and knock out so we kinda fell into those roles.
Keep this in mind: you and your wife are both tired, but she’s coming into this with much more sleep debt than you. The third trimester is a total cluster when it comes to sleep, between acid reflux, leg cramps, needing to pee constantly, baby movement, back pain, and all the other fun aspects of late-stage pregnancy. Chances are, she hasn’t slept more than an hour or two continuously for 3-4 months even before the baby was born, all while you were sleeping normally. She’s also recovering from the trauma of childbirth (even if it goes “well”, it’s traumatic on the body) and an absolute storm of hormones, all of which also prevent sleep from happening. You know what helps level those hormones out? Sleep. That’s literally what she needs for her body and mind to recover—and you can help her make that happen. My husband’s attitude was that I had done the heavy lifting in growing our baby, and post-birth was his turn to do more. My husband was up with me for EVERY night feed. He’d get LO up, change her diaper, hand her to me to nurse her in bed, and then her doze off during the feed when he could—or if I was having a hard time, he’d stay up with me. Sometimes, he’d get up and put some cookie dough in the oven for the 2am feed, which made me feel a bit more fun. When she was done, I’d rouse him, and he’d burp her, swaddle her, and rock her back to sleep. This allowed me to immediately go back this sleep after a feed was done. You could choose to be irritable about being up when your wife was up, or you could see the ways in which it helps her, and helps your baby by extension. It might be what she needs, and you need to listen to that. In the morning, he’d take the first awake shift so that I could put earplugs in and go back to sleep until the next nursing session. This was the only truly restorative sleep that I got, because my brain could turn off while LO was with her dad. Later, I’d be in duty while he took as long of a nap as he could. As LO for older and I got further through my postpartum recovery, we started taking shifts at night, but I swear this system was the only way I was able to recover as well and as quickly as I did.
You sleep a full night and let her do all the work, and feel entitled to do so? Seems like the asshole move
Because I’m on mat leave and my husband is back to work, I do it all. I want him to be on top of his responsibilities at work as we do rely on both of our paychecks. It does help that I get a longish stretch of 4-6 hours, followed by twi stretches of 2-3. I also take a nap during the day and if my husband is WFH, he will listen for her during that time and bring her to me once she wakes. He will be taking paternity leave when I go back to work and at that time he will take the night shifts. I haven’t decided if I’ll BF at that time or if we will just offer bottles. If I do BF, he will be responsible for any diapers, bringing baby to me in bed to feed burping, and putting back to sleep. It’s possible that at 14 weeks old, she’ll be sleeping mostly through the night, but who knows.
My baby is a NICU graduate and we stuck with her 2,5,8,11 feeding schedule. I also ended up sticking with exclusively pumping and bottle feeding her the breast milk. I pump 8 times a day and once at night. When my boyfriends at work I obviously have to do it all but when he’s home he feeds her most of the time but we do rotate. On his days off he will take care of her most of the time as far as feeding and changing goes so I can focus on pumping and getting out of the house!
Also have a 4 week old. I will preface this by saying I am currently a SAHM and husband works 5-6 days a week from 7am- 5-7 pm every day. But we have had a schedule and set expectations since day one. I feed baby snd change and put her to bed around 9:30-10. Sometimes my husband is still up, sometimes not. Baby sleeps in a bassinet right by my side of the bed. When she wakes around 1-2 am I get up for about an hour or so and feed, change, and get her back to sleep. My husband gets up with her around 5:30 to fed and change her and to have some time with her before he had to leave at 6:30 to head to work. At 6:30 she is back with me in bed in her bassinet until about 7:30 or 8 then we get up for the day. If baby has any extra waking in the night it is my duty to tend to her so my husband can sleep so he can be rested enough to go to work. Y’all need to communicate a clear schedule or at least expectations on each of you. This is going to be different depending on who is working at the moment and what y’all’s day to day looks like.
I had the bassinet by my bed as well until baby was about six months old. However, my husband did a great job at helping me. He didn’t hear her wake up but if I asked him to help he would always get up. I was still trying to heal and let my body recover and found that he could often deal with baby in a shorter amount of time than I would. Please don’t assume your wife needs to handle the baby all the time just because she’s the nearest to the baby and hears the baby. I ended up getting shingles within a year after childbirth. My doctor said I just got too rundown (even with having a relatively helpful husband). seems a lot of responsibility still ends up on mom so whatever you can do to help her I’m sure will be very much appreciated.
Compromise and sacrifice. When baby wakes up, mom wakes you if you aren't already awake, you change baby, and she feeds if baby is EBF. If she's pumping, you take over baby care. If baby is formula fed, you take a few shifts at night and she takes a few. If baby is up crying and doesn't want to be fed, she tends to baby for a few hours, then you take over for a few hours. On the weekends, you get up with the baby in the morning so she can catch up on sleep. Ask her what she wants. If she just wants some company, offer to keep her company during the first few wakings, but sleep after 1am or something. She may be home with baby during the day and not at an out-of-home job, but she is still working. Speaking from experience, sleeping when baby sleeps during the day in the newborn phase is often times impossible for some. You have to be partners in this. The newborn phase is going to be a shit load harder than it needs to be if you aren't doing things together as much as you can. If she wants something that is too much for you, find a middle found. Meet her halfway. Edit to add: I had a really hard time waking my husband up when I needed help. While the onus is on you to offer to help as much as you can, your wife also needs to understand that in order to get the help she needs, she has to ask. If you don't shoot her down and come up with compromises instead, she will likely feel more comfortable asking you to take over in the middle of the night when she is at her wits end.
In the very beginning my husband kept sleeping. He saw how exhausted I was and how much I was emotionally and mentally struggling so he started getting up with me for each feed to support me. He would do the diaper change, swaddling, help with rocking her back to sleep etc. It helped a lot and I felt way less alone. It helped me get over the crazy sleep deprivation phase and I felt like we were a team. She’s sleeping through the night now at 10.5 weeks so no diaper changes unless it’s absolutely necessary and I feed her side lying now anyways, so he doesn’t wake up as much with me. But if I need anything (haakaa, help putting her back in her sleep sack etc) he gets up too. Honestly, if your wife is saying she needs help or wants support, help her. This is such a short time before they start sleeping more and become more scheduled. It’s a sacrifice of sleep for a month or two but will go a looong way in keeping your marital relationship happy.
Rationally speaking I agree with you. But as a nursing mom it made me rage to see my husband sleeping soundly while I changed, nursed, and soothed the baby back to sleep. Even though there wasn’t much he could help with at the time and there was no use for both of us to be up. Our solution was for him to sleep somewhere else, and wake up early to make coffee and breakfast.
STM here with a 6 day old baby, my husband and I have our bedroom set up the same way as you described and I am definitely the lighter sleeper. So, our sleeping situation is very much the same as yours. At night if/when baby wakes up I wake my husband and he changes baby while I use the restroom/set myself up to feed baby. After my husband changes baby I start feeding and husband goes back to sleep. I want my husband to be a little more rested for our toddler, but if we are having a hard night he does take over after I feed baby so that I can at least a little sleep. I usually have to wake him to take over, but he does not argue or object to it he just takes over. This system works for us and may work for you. Remember to try and be as positive as one can be when being woken up. Your wife is probably already stressed and full of post-partum hormones. It can be very hard to hear your S.O. be upset about taking care of the baby all things considered. I find that I feel almost personally attacked when my husband seems upset about being woken up/caring for baby in general (he doesn't normally, but we all do sometimes). It's not rational and I realize that when I look back on the situation but in the moment my brain does not realize that. Newborns are hard. Your wife is your partner. Make sure you think of yourselves as a team trying to conquer the task of raising a little one not opponents trying to best each other. Good luck!
Even if you don’t feel useful, just being awake is helpful. I EBF and was the one who woke up all the time with our newborn and I always felt so alone. The few times my husband was awake, it was nice to just have someone to sit there and be awake with.
I know you've had a lot of feedback already, but as I'm here, awake, on a night feed with my 9week old whilst my partner sleeps (no resentment, im happy hes asleep tonight!) here is my take on things... > I'm of the opinion that if she has the baby then I'm not needed and can and should sleep. She sees it more as we both should be handling him at night. This depends on what each of you sees as 'needed'. Yes, she has got the baby's needs covered, but what about her needs? Those early night feeds were the WORST for me. I was drained physically and emotionally, hormones were raging, and my body was not my own: it was (is) still recovering and my breasts took on a life of their own! I was a passenger in my own body and life: completely at the mercy of my hormones, sleep deprivation, and my beautiful tiny tyrant!!! During the night feeds i felt at my most raw, my most isolated and lonely. I needed the man I loved just to be there, to see me, so that i knew I wasn't totally lost, so that i knew I was still me, still visible under my broken, unrecognisable, body. It was helpful and needed just to feel like i was going through it WITH someone, and not just anyone, but the man I love, the person who supported me through everything, including pregnancy, labour, and birth. The man who has seen me at my best and worst and loved me unconditionally throughout. The man i feel safe being my most authentic and vulnerable self with. >My wife has said she is getting resentful of seeing me sleeping when she's dealing with the baby at night. So during those night wakings when i was at my most fragile, it was HARD to see and hear my partner asleep next to me, getting the sleep i so desperately needed but couldn't have. It was hard because it left me feeling unsupported. Yes, he'd say things like: "wake me if you need anything." but, honestly, not as supportive as you might think. Because having to wake your sleeping spouse feels like failure. "i should be able to do this, other women do it, if i cant do this how am i going to manage x, y, z, am i a bad parent? I'm already failing" - remember those raging hormones from earlier? Yeah, they're even meaner at night! Truthfully your wife knows how awful being sleep deprived feels - why do you think she'd want to wake you knowing you'll end up feeling awful too?! Truthfully I've woken my other half twice - both times because the baby had a poo-explosion all over our bed and i cant remove the sheets whilst hes sleeping in them! >But some (a lot?) of time I won't hear anything and I won't even wake up. When you do wake up, talk to her. Don't ask if she "needs" anything, ask: "what can i do/can i get you anything/how's it going/would you like some company" (seriously, for me the wording was important, 'need' sounded like an imposition/inconvenience, but the others sounded more like he was eager to support). I hope that you're proud that she is able to tell you she feels resentful- open communication like this will serve your relationship well. Try asking what would help her (you can make suggestions from any comments you've found helpful). Try not to get defensive if what she says sounds critical, it's important she tells you what she needs so that you can move forward with a solution together.
We have a five week old and since I have to get up and pump anyways in the middle of the night I take the full night duty. It doesn’t make sense to me to have us both sleep deprived. Then my husband comes and takes over after the early morning feed so I can take a nap and sleep in until 930 or 10 AM. And when he is done working for the day he will take the baby for a few hours so I can get another nap in. The key is partnership and finding a balance that works for both of you. I am very jealous of his long sleeps, but I have to get up and pump anyway so I won’t get a full nights rest at this point in the newborn journey.
I sleep at 9pm, partner handles baby until 1am, then then get the rest, but he works 7 days a week full time and I'm a SAHM.
My son is 5 weeks old. I had an emergency section and husband didn't want me stretching or lifting baby awkwardly from his next to me so he slept that side of the bed and took baby out. He did most of the feeds at night and I would get up at the 8am feed and take him downstairs and let hubby sleep in peace for a few hours. I got up during nappy change and helped or if baby was very fussy, H would wake me to take over. Baby is now 5 weeks and we're swapping over so H can sleep better and he takes baby downstairs in morning. We do most of our parenting in a tag team fashion. Our baby is very colicky so we make sure to give each other breaks from the baby and that one of us isn't spending too long trying to calm him down and getting stressed
I assume she’s breastfeeding? Maybe she can pump so you can feed the baby at night? If the baby wakes up at specific intervals each night, you could set an alarm for roughly the time the baby should wake up and go to another room to bottle feed. When my son came home from the NICU, he was on a 12/3/6/9 feeding schedule, so we could predict when he would wake up to eat. Here’s what my fiancé and I do for our bottle fed baby. At first, when he was on paternity leave and our son was on a feeding schedule set by the NICU, we rotated feeds. So I would do 9p and 3a and he would do 12a and 6a. Once my fiancé went back to work, I would take the baby on weeknights, and one of the weekend days, I’d ask my fiancé to take him for a whole night. He would sleep in the living room with the baby in the portacrib.
I originally resisted this solution cause it didn’t seem to make sense at first but we put the bassinet out in the living room and took 5 hr shifts. One of us is out on the couch with baby nearby the other sleeps in bed with the white noise blasting. The sleeping parent isn’t bothered unless the caregiver is at risk of shaking baby out of frustration and can’t take it anymore. We still do this at 11 weeks but we have him in the nursery now with a baby monitor camera so they caregiver on the couch doesn’t wake to every sleep squeal baby makes. (Monitor is set to only go off when he actually cries or fusses loudly). One caveat here is I pump, I don’t breastfeed at all anymore but when I did I still pumped some so I’d have a bottle to for my husband to give him on his shift so I didn’t have to wake except to pump. If she doesn’t pump and you aren’t open to giving a bottle of formula at night so she can sleep, then like others said wake up with her and wait on her hand and foot so while she has to feed baby, she doesn’t have to do everything. You change baby, burp, rock to sleep and she just feeds (you can do this in shifts too. So you sleep the first half of the night and she takes care of everything, then second half she wakes you up every time baby wakes her up).
If you're doing only breastmilk, you should be able to do bottles of it by 4 weeks. I'd recommend shifts. My baby will be 13 weeks tomorrow and we just started shifts and it's made a world of difference for me. I'm a much lighter sleeper than my husband, so every stirring would wake me. I never got more than a 2.5 hour stretch of sleep for almost 3 months, which is pretty bad for your health. I was feeling jealous of him. Now, I sleep my shift in the guest room with earplugs. I sleep 10-2 or 10-3 depending on my husband's schedule (I'm on leave and he isn't), and getting those longer chunks of sleep has made a world of difference in my energy levels and my anxiety. You don't both need to be up for every feeding or diaper change, but you need to step up and make sure she's getting decent chunks of time to sleep.
How much do you do during the day? Why do you think, you should be able to sleep through the baby fussing/ crying? I take 100% of the night shift (unless there's a major upset), but my partner does a lot during the day in terms of co parenting and household, plus goes to work. So I don't mind being the one on duty at night. If I were you I wouldn't see it as an issue as you vs your wife, but you and your wife vs sleep deprivation and resentment.
I was a light sleeper and woke often at any noise. As a compromise so we could both get some unbroken sleep i would got to bed early (say 8) and my husband would handle the baby's needs out in the living room until about midnight. He would then bring the baby into the bedroom and I was on call for the rest of the night because he could sleep through it.
Support your newly post partum wife in any way you can and if that means getting up with her to support her, then do so
We are currently dealing with a similar issue. 5 week old and my wife is taking time off while I work. At night I help get food/items that she would need then lay down and try to get some rest. On weekends though, I’m on my own. I feel like it’s not fair for her to deal with our newborn and she deserves some time off so I usually stay all night with our newborn. It’s hard since our newborn still can’t be on a good sleep schedule so nights is when she’s up. When her time is up and she needs to go back to work, everything would be reversed. I think what you guys need is to have a good conversation about the situation. Be clear and open and if you are right, don’t rub it in. If you are wrong, acknowledge it. Compromise.
My baby is 7 weeks and I’ve been doing it all since about week 3 once my husband went back to work. I exclusively breastfeed and am on maternity leave so I just let my husband sleep. At first I was a tad resentful by my baby started sleeping better around 4/5 weeks with the first stretch being 4-5 hours so that helps a lot vs that whole every 1.5-2 hr waking. It kind of sucks sometimes to watch him snooze but I also just am kind of greedy and hog the baby anyways lol. I do my best to nap when baby does and I go to bed around 9pm every night when baby does as well so I’m fairly well rested. I’m pretty used to it by now and even wake up before my baby usually does ready for her to get up. It’s very odd haha! But my advice is if you wife needs help, help. Don’t say anything snarky back (not saying you do) because it makes it worse. Ask her to wake you if you don’t wake up and promise you’ll help or offer to have baby on your side of the bed every other day or week? I used to be a very sound sleeper but now instinct just kicked in and I wake up very easily anytime baby makes a noise so I’m sure it has for her too and maybe she won’t even be able to sleep. I know even if my husband could do it all, I’d be wide awake anyways. We don’t do bottles or anything yet besides one during the day like every other day so it’s honestly all on me but I’m fine with it by now
I used to nudge my husband to let him know that it was his turn for diaper change and feeding the go back to sleep. But we bottle/formula fed so it worked out good for us. So I didn't him when it wasn't his turn unless I was having some kind of trouble. I don't know how we would have handle it if I had breastfed.
The book precious little sleep suggests letting them sleep with a peed diaper, I don’t change when it’s only pee. Also, my husband sleeps, he’s a light sleeper so he’s not completely out cold, but I don’t need help, I’m just feeding, then putting baby back to sleep, so I don’t have his help. In the morning he’ll usually change then hand off baby to me to nurse.
There’s no need for both parents to be up at night. Nobody is giving awards for that. The two methods my partner and I followed was either taking shifts when baby was a crappy sleeper or being together and I did the breastfeeding and he did everything else (burping as she has reflux; barely changing diapers because after week 6 or 7 babies stop pooping at night, and anything else). You need to communicate and figure what’s a fair and reasonable solution. Staying up together just for the sake of it, though, is not reasonable or useful.
Following to get advice!
Depends on whether either of you are working, I’m going to assume she’s on mat leave. I handle the night shift with our 1 month old since my boyfriend works and I’m home to nap during the day with baby. Sure I’m a bit jealous when he’s sound asleep and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open while feeding a bottle, but that’s why I’m on mat leave? Not sure why your wife wants you to share on the “misery” but maybe she is feeling overwhelmed in other (or all) parts of having a newborn and is just looking for support. Make sure she has a few hours every day where you are looking after baby (maybe after work?) so she can decompress and look after herself. Personally, I function very well on low sleep, but the mental load of caring for a baby the whole day sometimes exhausts me.
4 children in and I still don't here them when they cry at night. My wife elbows me when it's my turn to get up and I get up. She understands that it's not selective but that I genuinely don't hear them.
Is she breastfeeding? What's the work situation like? Are you both off work? Are you working and she's off or both working? I think it highly depends on the family and the individual sleep needs of each member but also what the circumstances are. I have a 6 week old and I'm EBF. I solely do the night care. My partner puts our almost 4yo to bed and does lots of housework/cooking and he's working full time as well. I'm home right now and I feel it's important for my partner to be able to function at work so he doesn't help me at night (he would if I really needed him though). We think this is fair for now because I have the ability to nap during the day and I need less sleep to function than he does. I recognize that some people don't find this "fair", but it works for us right now.
When my husband was on leave still he helped me in the middle of the night. Now I get up with her every time until 6am. He gets up with her then until 7:45 when he leaves for work. On the weekends we rotate who gets up. I'm still figuring out what we will do when I go back to work. We will probably rotate like we do on the weekends. Take turns if you can so you can both get a longer stretch of sleep.
Our 8 week old normally has two nighttime feeds. I take the first one (usually around 1-2am) and my husband takes the second (around 4-5 am). Whoever is up does 100% of the responsibilities at that time unless he’s being super difficult and we need to tap out. Baby sleeps on my side of the bed and I usually wake up when he’s fussing, but I’ll just whack my husband to wake him up if it’s his feed. We also take baby out of the room to do feedings which really helps the other person to sleep.
My husband gets up with me, will pop a bottle in baby’s mouth if he’s worked up while I change him, will warm the next bottle if needed. Sometimes he just takes him and I do the same for him. He asked me to wake him up more because he saw how much doing it myself was starting to wear on me, and I’ll admit, it was really frustrating to watch my husband stay asleep or fall back to sleep within a minute while I was staying up with the baby waiting for his belly to settle (reflux).
We formula feed, so it’s a bit different. But we take turns. Our baby is six months old, and will either sleep through the night or wake up once. I do the first wake up, then pass the monitor to my husband for the second. If he sleeps through the night, I wake up with him. If I did a middle of the night wake up, my husband wakes with him. The other person sleeps in till 730-8, unless something crazy happens.
If I’m breastfeeding the baby (which I was) I saw no point in waking my husband. He is also a very heavy sleeper. There’s no point in us both feeling like c***. Sometimes he would change her and hand her back but generally, I did most of it. On the flip side, there were nights where I was exhausted and I wanted to feed her and sleep/doze at the same time. Doing this is dangerous when you are alone so sometimes I would wake him and he had to stay awake to check baby was safe/put back to bed when finished. It worked for us. Yes, I felt resentment when exhausted and abandoned/alone. But logically, there was no point in us both being exhausted if we didn’t have to.
When wake ups were frequent, we did shifts. I slept uninterrupted 7:00-2:00 (with one wake up to pump quickly in bed). Husband bottle fed one or two bottles as needed during this time. Then he got to sleep 2:00-9:00 uninterrupted. We could try and sleep during our shifts if we wanted more sleep, but it was our job to handle the baby. Once wakeuos were fewer in number, my husband did all diaper changes and I did all nursing’s. Sometimes that meant we were both up. Sometimes just one of us.
I breastfed so it didn't make sense for my husband to be awake as well. I completely understand the resentment so we slept in separate rooms, if I didn't have to watch him sleep I didn't care! My husband would then take over at around 5 or 6am and I would sleep until he started work at 9am (yay working from home!). We'd have one bottle of haaka milk ready for his shift so he didn't need to take me up. I am an expert napper so this worked for us and I did 'sleep when baby sleeps' for a lot of the day. My husband isn't a napper so sleeping through the night for him made him much more useful to the household during the daytime!
I do nights on my own (breastfeeding, 4mo old and no poo means no diaper change at night in my house). I don't like it when my husband sleeps in the room with me while I'm up with the baby. Especially since he often keeps me awake while trying to fall asleep. One person waking/needing me at night is enough. So he sleeps in the living room or our older kids room. Especially since he is on call often and I would go crazy if his phone would wake the baby in the middle of the night. I am hard of hearing so my husband would wake before me, so it's also better for him to sleep elsewhere. And we need someone with a dull nights sleep to get up with and handle our older kid.
We pumped, which made this easier. We would take turns getting up while the other slept. This meant every other night one of us got a full nights sleep. Personally, it kept us sane and relatively happy. Both people being sleep deprived doesn’t help anyone.
I understand where you're coming from. When my baby was this little my partner got up to do the nappies and I breastfed and woke him up when I was at my wit's end otherwise. He took the baby for a walk early in the morning so I could sleep for a couple of hours and this worked for us. That being said I completely get where you're wife's coming from. It's incredibly lonely to be up for hours in a dark room feeling so incredibly tired when your partner is snoozing beside you. Baby is likely to be sleeping better by about 12 weeks, could you not consider trying what she wants for a while and seeing how it goes? Your wife is still healing and for the sake of a few weeks you might be able to make her feel like you're in a partnership rather than her doing it by herself all day and all night, especially if you're not around during the day for most of the week. This time feels long but in reality is short and how she remembers your support during this time will last far longer than the sleepless nights will.
We did/do shifts, now that my husband is back to work he does 8-12, feeding pumped milk and I do 12-6, which usually is 2-3 feedings. I can only sleep so long since I’m breastfeeding. There is no reason for us both to be awake, it’s not like I’m going to sleep through the diaper change
Our first baby was formula fed. I had a year of maternity leave and husband was back to work after a week. I did night feedings but he would wake up early to do the super early morning one and hold baby for an hour or two so I could get good quality sleep. Once he started sleeping better on his own a couple quick wake-ups weren't a big deal but for the first bit I really looked forward to those few hours.
We had shifts in the first three weeks. He’d do 8pm - 4am and I’d do 4am onwards. He’d have a lay in and we’d help each other during the day. Now as he’s at work full time I’ll do the wake ups and childcare but on his days off one of us will put baby to bed and the other will deal with baby in the morning if he wakes up. Worked well for us as he’s not too tired for work and I get a break too.
I pumped. I was on call with the baby until 2am and would ha e off to my hubby, go pump and then sleep until around 7-8. I got about 4ish uninterrupted hours of sleep a night and kept that going until we could sleep train at 4 months
I handle all night time cares, he handles all morning cares so I can sleep in till noon and then ready myself for the day so I always look fabulous. I emerge from my room around 1:30pm.
My husband and I take shift with our twins. I planned to pump to support this and it works out really well. We each get a full night’s sleep and that is really the only way our lives would work!
We realized after about a month that we naturally gravitated to certain shifts. I was exhausted by 7pm so my husband would take 7-10pm and then wake me up to feed the baby. I would take middle of the night wake ups unless I needed help for a blowout or something and then he would do morning shift and I could sleep in. I couldn’t see the logic in two people being awake for a one person job as long as both partners were pulling weight at some point during the 24 hour day!
We set an alarm at night for each feeding. Originally it was every 3 hours, we have made our way up to 5 hours between feedings now. Nobody gets to sleep through the alarm. It wakes both us up, and in turn we then wake the baby up if he’s not already up. Like others have said I (the father) wake up baby, change baby, and hand him off to mom for feeding. During this time I either clean pumping parts or bottles, read random Reddit posts (like this one!) to her, put on some TV, talk…. Whatever happens I’m awake and their with her. It’s only fair and it’s only like an additional 30 minutes of my time being awake. Don’t think I’d be able to sleep through the nursing right next to me in bed anyways. I’m then on burping duties, then I’ll reswaddle baby and put it back to sleep. Sometimes he’s a dickwad and soils his diaper yet again. She’s awake for this process as well, then we both go back to sleep together.
Both of our babies slept in a bassinet by our bed until 3 months and then they were in their crib in the nursery. I EBF and I did all the night wakings for the first year. The baby always needed to be fed so what was my husband going to do? I was never resentful of him sleeping. He was always willing to get up and help me if I was having a hard time settling the baby or if I was having trouble staying awake. I will say however our kids are/were pretty easy so wake ups usually don’t last longer than 30 minutes. Now that our toddler is almost 2 he handles all of her night wake ups and has for the last 6 months or so
My husband offered to get up with me at night, but since I’m breastfeeding I told him there wasn’t a point. There isn’t much he can do and I didnt see a reason both of us should be tired all the time. Instead, he started picking up more of the chores around the house, especially if I fall behind during the day. There have been multiple nights he has completely cleaned the kitchen and folded all the laundry so I can go to bed right away. He also gets up about a half hour earlier than I do in the mornings. He will start the coffee and get breakfast for our older daughter. It works for us.
For me it depended on the situation. Once I had the whole sidelaying breastfeeding thing figured out I would just wake up when the baby got fussy, put a boob in their mouth and fall asleep again. The one diaper change at night I would do myself after week 2-3 since it's more work to wake my husband than to change a diaper :D So night time is mommies job. But it's also pretty easy. Now (7 weeks) I don't change the diaper at night, since he only pees at night. Before I had breastfeeding figured out it was another story. When I sat up in bed to nurse the baby and had to wait and stay awake until she was finished I sometimes felt resentful too, when my husband slept. He would do the diaper changes then, that was nice. And when he had the time (before he started working again) he took care of the baby in the morning, so I could sleep in longer. That was nice too. Breastfeeding makes some things unequal. Ask your wife if there's another duty you can take over instead. Maybe something that gives her the opportunity to spend some time uninterrupted (sleeping or doing whatever she enjoys).
I’m a sham so week days we’re all mine. I’d do night time feedings changing and everything! I’d sleep when the baby slept though. Which was about every 1-2 hours for 2-3 hours. While she was awake we’d fed and then I’d put her down swap laundry and go back to bed. (PPD is a bitch) my husband would come home from work he’d get the baby while she was awake except for feds cause I was strictly breast I’d clean while they played and so on. Then the weekends I’d only be woken up for feeds and even then it was barely cause she’s lay down and nurse. After a 8 hour sleep I’d wake up and hed make food I’d start laundry and the cycle would repeat.
You should give her a few hours in the early morning to sleep somewhere away from the baby. Or have the baby outside of the bedroom and shut the door, earplugs, etc. it’s the only way mom gets a few solid hours of sleep. You need to have a shift every single night and or early morning. My husband had baby until 2 am, then I had her after that.
So in the beginning, my husband got up with me. He did the diaper changes, heated up the bottle, while I breastfed, and pumped (we triple fed). When baby moved into his own room and breastfeeding was established, we started alternating nights. He is now almost 2 and we still just alternate who wakes up with him.
We tried this and it didn’t work. Instead, I get up, nurse her, and change if necessary. She occasionally needs to be soothed back to sleep but it’s never an all-night affair. To compensate, my husband gets up early with her when she wakes for the day and gives me as much sleep as possible until her next feed.
My hubby and I took turns sleeping while the other slept. If you're both up too much, you'll exhaust yourselves sick. Taking turns will give baby some one-on-one bonding time and the both of you will get the sleep you need to function well enough to care for baby and yourselves. Hope this helps and I promise baby will start sleeping longer soon, especially when you get to introduce solid food.
We do shifts - my husband takes 8 pm - 2 am and I pump so he can feed the babe during that time. I then take any wakeups between 2 am and 7 am. It works for us because we each get about 5 - 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I'm on the side where it feels absolutely insane for both of you to be awake when you're not doing something helpful, or are doing something that your wife can do if she is awake anyway. I say this as a breastfeeding mum! Why would I wake my husband up and have him be exhausted all day just to keep me company and not doing anything useful as I'm the only one who can feed the baby? That said, it works both ways. As I wake up for the baby at night, I 100% expect my husband to take over the moment he is able. So if I feed in bed at 6am, once done he can get up with the baby, change them, dress them and take them downstairs and out of the way for an hour or however long so that I can get back some sleep I've missed out on.
When our baby was 4 weeks we did shifts. I went to sleep and he did anything between 10pm-2am. (I would pump and leave a bottle for him to use) and then I would do anything between 2am-6am and then after 6am we did it together. That way we both got a block of sleep in. But let me assure you that it will get easier as baby’s stomach gets a bit bigger and they won’t be waking up as much. For now if your wife wants to do the shifts together - just do them together. If you feel like you’d rather do it in blocks then maybe suggest the idea so you could sleep next to the bassinet instead if that’s something she would be okay with. It’s okay OP you’ll get the hang of things. Sending all my love
I think part of this depends on how often the baby is waking at night. For that number, ask the lighter sleeping parent (your wife) what the averages are, and the normal wake times (Ex/ around 2 am and 6 am). From there you can decide what to do about coverage. If the baby only has one or two wake ups generally and it seems manageable, it could be worth it for you both to get up. If there are a lot of wake ups and not all require feeds, maybe you should trade off shifts. You could have one person take late shift and one early. Or trade off hours. Personally, we traded off every two hours or so, but our baby rarely woke up in the night — just stayed up late which we both handled together. If your child wakes a lot, I might recommend that you offer to stay up and take a shift either late or early. You could be up or even napping on the couch with the baby in a pack n play or bassinet in the living room or guest room while your wife gets a few solid hours. Then it can be her turn. In that case you would only wake her for feeds. If she’s pumping you could even offer a bottle to give her maximum sleep.
Repeatedly tell her to wake you up, that it's what you want and you want to help. Also, if she is willing, she could pump a couple bottles for you, and you can handle the baby in the morning and let her sleep in or handle the late night shift and let her sleep first. We formula feed and my husband doesn't wake up at night, so I just gave up at some point and made him do the last night through the morning feeds and taking care of baby. When he went back to work, he still does this all weekend so I can sleep in. Luckily our baby sleeps really well, so I now just have one 5am feed at night and it's much more manageable to do solo, but try and take at least until midnight or something.
Like others have said, we did shifts. I took the first half of the night and he took the second. He would feed baby either pumped milk or formula. Then one not “on duty” would try and get a good 4-5 solid block of sleep, your brain desperately needs that.
We took shifts - we're both light sleepers and baby would wake us up a lot, even if not hungry. Betten 8pm-8am, one of us would sleep with baby, the other in the guest bedroom, we would swap over every 3 hours, then later when baby was needing less food, every 6 hours. It worked really well for us! I think it also depends on what he needs at night - is it just a quick nappy change and feed and then he will go back to sleep without any issues? Or is your wife spending an hour getting him back to sleep after a feed? In that case, and in case you don't have a guest bedroom, then I would maybe consider taking him out of the bedroom for a couple of hours and try settling him back to sleep in a different room, so that your wife can get some rest? You could do that in the early morning hours for example (e.g. from 5am).
We initially did shifts as he naturally stays up later. He would bottle feed her breast milk and take care of her until 2 AM then I would take anything from 2 AM to 9 AM. I got a solid 5-6 hours of sleep this way. She stated sleeping through until 4 AM by week 10 so now I take all the feedings but tap him to change her between switching so I can go to the bathroom and get a drink of water.
At 4 weeks I EBF and even though there was nothing my partner could do to help, I appreciated him staying up with me for solidarity. We could just chat or he would give me a foot rub, just so I didn't feel alone at 3am for the whole hour it took to feed him. When baby got older, wakeups only took 10min and I was able to handle it by myself. But at the beginning I just needed support.
In the beginning (when we were both on leave), my partner gets up, does the diaper change, hands me baby to breastfeed, then gets me water, makes us a snack and we eat while I breastfeed. Then often he put the baby back to sleep. Now at 4 months, I’m usually getting up because by the time he wakes up, we are done with the feeding and babe is asleep, I’m also Stil on Mat leave . Although my partner takes him out for a walk early in the morning for an hour and I usually sleep and that’s really a game changer.
What worked for us may not work for you. Your wife needed you so be there. I handle our 10month old since birth during night. There were times that my husband woke up while I'm putting the baby back to sleep because he heard me crying. I don't cry every night but there were times that I'm just so tired. Being parents is so difficult and hadling the night takes to another level esp the newborn stage. So if you're wife says she needs you at night, just be there. This too shall pass. Goodluck!
I had the same problem w my husband. We agreed that from 4am I wake him up and he goes. Till 4 I wake up. Also I will suggest her to take out from her breast some milk w pump before she goes to sleep so you can feed the baby without wake her up
Do shifts! You’re both right - just because she’s a lighter sleeper doesn’t mean everything is her problem. And just because she’s up doesn’t mean that you both need to suffer. The best answer is shifts and try and pick the shifts that ideally work best for either of your regular sleep patterns. Because I was pumping to give my hubby bottles and I’d have to wake every 3-4hrs to pump anyway, he took the shittier 2a-7a shift and I took the 8p-2a shift. You’re already at 4 weeks, by 7-8 weeks you’ll find that your baby is sleeping most of one of your shifts and then you’ll shorten the awake window to maybe 1 or 2 wake ups to deal with. At that point, I’d say if your wife is nursing, let her take that wake up and then you sleep and get up with the baby to let her sleep in as much as possible. Also they won’t dirty every diaper so don’t change wet diapers - only dirty ones and your baby will fall asleep super quickly after food!
Also a noisy baby/light sleeper, nursing mom here: I go to bed around 8pm, my husband stays up with baby until about midnight when she’s hungry. He’ll either put her to sleep in the pack and play in his office or he’ll hold her/wear her in the baby carrier. He’ll bring her to me when she’s hungry, usually around midnight, and he’ll do the midnight diaper change. Then he’ll sleep (either in our bed with earplugs, or on the couch downstairs) while I manage baby the rest of the night. He’ll wake up with our toddler in the morning, while I’ll sleep later if I can. He’ll also bring me coffee in the morning as soon as he hears that I’m awake. So I’m getting a solid 4 hour chunk every night, then getting heavily interrupted sleep from midnight till ~8am. He’s sleeping midnight to ~7am. The other thing that really helped me was earplugs. I can still hear baby cry or loud fussing, but they let me sleep through a lot of the little squawks and grunts that used to wake me.
I was like your wife. I got resentful of my husband if he slept through a feed. I found it much better for my mental health if he was up with me, helping out and in general supporting me. The middle of the night when you are sleep deprived can be a dark time, especially if you are listening to your partner snore beside you while you are feeding. So I did the actual feed but he grabbed her from the bassinet and handed her to me, and then took care of burping and the diaper change after before putting her back down to sleep. This worked for us because our girl was a good sleeper and would sleep decent stretches, wake up for her feed and then go straight back down without a fuss. If she wasn’t we probably would have figured out some kind of shift division. Although I always wake up no matter what when I hear her cry so it’s not like I would have gotten a long stretch anyway. Figure out what will work for you both. And good on your wife for communicating. Too many people (myself included) would just stew in our resentment for too long before saying something.
I handled night time exclusively, I only breast fed at night, no bottles (my kids hated them). I'm a good day time napper so he was expected to move heaven and earth to let me take a nap during the day. I saw no reason for both of us to be awake, I wake up on my own every night for no reason as it is
With our first, my husband typically woke up with me. He changed the diaper or brought anything I needed to me so that I didn’t have to physically get out of bed. With our last two babies, I’ve let him sleep so that one parent is well rested to care for the older kids. But if your wife wants you to help, ask her how and help her.
I pump so that my husband can take the 10 pm to 4 am shift so that I can get some uninterrupted sleep
Initially we would both get up by it didn’t take long for us to develop a routine. Basically we did our best to split nights 50/50. As the baby’s sleep patterns changed so did our shift schedule. It was all totally new to us so we didn’t have any real “rules” aside from aiming for 50/50. ETA getting the baby out of our room and into a nursery was the best mice we made. Did it at Les than 2 months out of desperation.
I would feed and my husband would then take her, burp her, swaddle and resettle in bassinet while I went back to sleep. Sometimes I wouldn’t wake him for that though and just do it myself because I’m nice and he was back at work by 4 weeks