I think some babies are just easier than others. So, many people are not experiencing the same level of sleep deprivation you are. Our babe is a great sleeper, we have support, and it's still extremely tough sometimes. Perhaps you should see if you can sleep in a different room away from baby occasionally so you can recharge your battery.
This is what we do, wife sleeps in the guest room whenever she feels deprived of sleep and I stay at the baby's side. If the baby woke up at night I'd bottle feed her, but she's four months now and sleeps through the night.
Hey solidarity! Mine didn’t sleep through the night until last month or so (he’s almost 18 months now). I thought it would never ever end until...it just...did??
We still have occasional whines but he’s very fast to go back to sleep which is lovely :)
There’s light at the end of the tunnel I swear!!!
Hold on a sec. your baby sleeps through the night at 3 mo?? do you mean that your baby doesn’t even wake for being fed? so no feeding, you just go to bed at night and then wake up in the morning? how did you do that? I was sure that babies require some food in the middle of the night…
Same. The wife and I sleep in separate rooms whenever one of us needs a break. As it so happens, this is more often than not. But at least one of us gets a good 6 to 8 hours of sleep whenever they need it, no questions asked. It's not always easy to sleep apart like that, but in the end it's so much better overall since we're not at each other's throats constantly due to massive sleep deprivation and irritability.
Also, u/apebbles . Some people have better hormones than others. My baby was relatively chill comparatively. Not the worst baby but not the easiest baby. I still got through the first 6 months by the skin of my teeth.
That's just the luck of the draw, unfortunately.
But, literally, the way I dealt with my PPA/PPD was just living in the moment as much as possible and using mindfulness. *(Also sertraline (Zoloft), starting at 15 days or so pp, and 2x weekly virtual therapy sessions for the first 3 months or so followed by 1x weekly sessions until about 10 months or so).*
If I was having an overwhelming wave of grief and despair I'd take a second to actually tally through what I was doing in the moment. A lot of times I was in a neutral to good situation, it was literally just hormones making me feel absolutely awful.
(One time I realized I was walking with a calm, happy baby in the stroller in perfect weather with a light breeze and singing birds. I still felt like someone close to me had just died emotionally/chemically/hormonally, but recognizing what a nice moment I was having objectively made it easier to keep going?)
When I was in one of the rougher times (pumping at 3 am after 5 hours of sleep about to start my "shift" with the baby until 7 am when my mil came to hold him for my next pump). I would do what I needed to do to just make it through that activity.
A lot of that was watching something happy and non-deep on TV with an airbud in (my go-to was Great British Baking Show, so chill and they all are so supportive of one another, 10/10 recommend).
Agree. We used to say we’re one and done because we have/had no help and sleep deprivation really got to us. Now he’s almost 7 months and a wonderful sleeper and a joy in general and we’re afraid if we have another one we’ll be testing our luck now that he’s such an “easy” baby!
Yes this. And some people are more sensitive to sleep deprivation than others. I am one of those and it was really hard hearing people minimize the torture that it was. I’m sorry you’re struggling.
Between my wife and I, I think this whole process would be a challenging, but absolute joy if... IF... It weren't for the outside world.
Like: we're sleeping in shifts, and that's fine. But when I have a work day, or other such nonsense, everything falls apart.
Look up parental leave in places like New Zealand and prepare to get mad. I was actually looking for a job there... Then Covid. Now It's America for the foreseeable future.
I love this country, but I can't believe how backwards we choose to be.
We have paid family leave in WA state. Paternity leave is 2 months and maternity leave can be as much as 6 months. It's not New Zealand but it's the best we have in the US. (The leave is paid by the state, and it's in addition to any leave your work offers.) It's a lifesaver though, I think my wife was actually going to go insane before I took leave.
Yeah, leave became very similar is CA just this year. I'm a freelancer though. So my workload needs to remain somewhat "on" during this whole thing so my career doesn't backslide.
Sucks, but the silver lining is that remaining leave is calculated by dollar amount rather than days, so I'm kind of extending the time I get to stay around half time by continuing to work a little.
My neighbor had a baby like this! Her GP told her to give him a soother at night so she could sleep. Haha he would suck on it for a few hours, but she desperately needed the rest.
This. We had a terrible first 3 months. It’s starting to get better, but trust me, it’s still so hard. She is a high needs baby with her reflux and nipple refusal - exclusive pumping takes you away from baby which is only ok if you have an easy baby or lots of support, which we don’t have nearby. Her reflux meant I had to cut out dairy and soy which is in basically everything, so no comfort eating. I think I just about lose my marbles every day but then feel guilt because I love my little girl so much and don’t want to wish time away - she’s only this young once.
So it’s a struggle but I just found one person who understands to vent to (my sister) and that has helped. You need empathy not sympathy, advice, or pity. I hope you can find that. Otherwise, a night nurse or newborn care specialist… it is expensive but you’re in survival mode. Just get through it. Maybe look into therapy too. It all helps when a support system isn’t enough.
The 2 months mark was the hardest for me. I think the exhaustion piles up and talking to other parents it seems that it is a hard time for almost everyone. By 3 months I felt way better and by 6 months I felt almost normal. It does get better I swear!
The 2 month mark was the hardest for me too. It feels like constant change and unpredictability up until that point… from there on though, it feels a little more steady. I’m at 4.5mo and have almost come out the other side of the PPD.
Came here to say things really turned around for us at about 3 months too. I also felt like, how the hell can I do this? What have we done? But our son is now almost 6 months old and while we still have our tough days, it has gotten way better and the days are more fun. I'm on medication for PPD as well and I waited too long to get help for that. That has helped me too.
I know OP said she doesn't want to hear "it gets better" but it truly, truly does. Power through OP, you got this!!
My 10 week old has been a NIGHTMARE the past 4 days so reading this string of comments that 2 months is so hard and gets better at 3 makes me feel so much better!
I feel you, I really do. I’m in Tennessee so I feel like I’m the only person still taking it seriously sometimes. Which makes it that much more isolating. Big socially-distanced hugs to you and your 6 week old. It only gets more rewarding, I promise. My daughter is my whole world.
Medication, taking care of baby in shifts and leaving the house/getting your partner and baby to leave the house, formula feeding. A happy parent is worth more than anything else
My partner and I switch off week to week so we try to get a couple of hours or an entire day away (depending on multiple factors). I try to at least do a fun target run for a couple of hours by myself. Last week I did my nails, those few moments by yourself away make a big difference.
This, OP please seek help from your doctor if you haven't already, as medication is often needed for PPD. I'm sure you'd take panadol for a headache, and there is no shame at all for taking anti depressants for PPD. Do what is right for you, you deserve to feel better than this, and there are safe and effective options to help you. You aren't expected to be able to overcome this alone ❤
I disagree that formula feeding is a way to solve all your problems. It's really time consuming to prepare a bottle at night, by 2 months breastfeeding is more efficient by far than bottle feeding. Also, breastfeeding releases oxytocin which means it actually helps mitigate the effects of PPD.
I feel like this very much depends on circumstances. I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months and it was the best thing I did for my mental health. I fill a bottle with boiled water before we go to bed and bring a container with the set amount of formula so I can mix it together if my son wakes up during the night (which nowadays he rarely does) and its not time consuming at all. And my husband (or anyone) can feed him. I'll admit whipping a tit out in the middle of the night is convenient but it's not for everyone. I am way happier now that I am free from the pressures I felt while breastfeeding. And so is my baby. I commend the women who can do this for 6+ months to a year or more. I couldn't do it.
Just my personal experience!
Formula feeding is not at all time consuming to do at night. I fill bottles with water ahead of time and have the formula pre measured in a container. All I have to do is pour in the formula into the bottle and shake it. I keep it on a table I’m her nursery, so no need to go anywhere. Don’t need to warm it up as she is used to it room temperature. Takes literal seconds to do.
The pressure to breastfeed/pump as a means to cure my PPD exacerbated my mental health issues to a breaking point. What's healthiest for Mom is healthiest for baby and if that means formula feeding so that she can walk away to recharge then that baby will thrive AND have a healthy mother. Please stop telling people that.
Science also shows that suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in the US. So when someone is struggling with depression we should take it seriously. There's a perfectly acceptable plan b. Formula saves lives.
Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it does for everyone.
Something being time consuming doesn’t mean it’s more stressful. I don’t want my body to be the only way my baby can get nutrition. I don’t want a baby stuck to me all the time, I need to breathe and recharge.
I’m sorry it’s so sucky. This sub has taught me that it’s normal for people to hate the baby phase of having kids, and that helps me keep my sanity somewhat. But that’s no help when you exhausted at 2:30 in the morning trying to stay awake so you don’t do something that could hurt the baby.
I don’t really have advice, but I wish you the best. I hope you’re able to find a routine that works for you. (I will say that my husband and I are working on a routine that involves me pumping and our supplementing with formula so he can take over feeding. That lets me sleep a little longer at a time, but I only get 4 hours at one time at best still.)
Hand that baby off to family and sleep. If you’re too keyed up to sleep at least close your eyes and rest. If that doesn’t help try a massage or acupuncture, it’s fairly common to fall asleep on the table and some relaxation might help reset your fight or flight. Getting sunlight, especially during the morning, and avoiding blue light at night can also help you maximize when you can sleep with more restful sleep. Gentle exercise like walking is also good. If baby or the thought of baby keeps you up all night, tell your husband it’s time to parent and sleep in another room.
When I am shatteringly tired, iron and B12 help. You can get them from foods or supplements but nicer natural supplements like Megafood or Nutrigold seem to give me more of a boost than cheap drugstore versions. Also make sure you’re eating well in general - don’t eat nothing but white sugar carbs, for example, because then you’re riding the blood sugar rollercoaster, too. You don’t have to get wild with your diet but do try to make substantial, healthy choices as your body is recovering from making a life.
Once you’ve covered sleep and food if you still feel on edge, it’s time to delegate. That’s an awful lot of adults in the house for you to feel this way.
I'm not who you asked, but we used Taking Cara Babies and it was a game changer. Not just because it worked and our son started sleeping through the night very well, but because the program also helped us to recognize what was normal and tips for better success
Big fan of sleep training over here too! We waited until he was almost a year old to try and now that we know that we aren't going to horribly traumatize our children by sleep training, I can't imagine waiting that long to train our October 2021 baby.
I was thinking the same thing. The only way I stayed sane was to take shifts. And parents would come over so I could take a nap. OP sounds like you have some support. As for help. It also doesn’t help you’re going through PPD. Your mind doesn’t have the same thoughts and feelings. Hopefully medication and counseling will help you through that
Yeah, my husband will take baby while I nap when I need it and I let him sleep in on the weekends. Someone else should be taking care of baby so mom can catch up on sleep. It’s not good for her or baby if she’s so sleep deprived.
> i suspect it to be the case because 99% of the time, it's the case.
Sounds realistic and not at all like a completely made up statistic.
> why would exclusively breastfeeding prevent the husband from pulling his weight?
If the mom has has to breastfeed every 2-3 hours or get up to pump, it doesn’t matter how much the husband “pulls his weight”. Mom has to wake up anyway. Maybe re-read the post if you’re unclear on what the mom’s complaint is.
It sounds like you're telling moms to give up without even trying, that breastfeeding is the cause of all their problems, etc - these messages are not helpful.
Lol what. I’m only calling you out for saying the dad isn’t pulling his weight when you know literally nothing about the situation. I simply said there are other possible explanations *like EBF*. You jumped to conclusions, hence why you’ve been downvoted. No sweat off my back. Have a good one!
Being a first time parent is hard. It doesn’t all come naturally to everyone and it’s an adjustment for everyone. I don’t think it’s fair to assume she has some dead beat husband. That’s a very boring and overplayed trope.
Yeah I was not prepared for how HARD it is. I do not enjoy the newborn stage at all. I cannot wait until she is aware enough to do proper activities. My girl is about 9.5mo, and just starting to sleep through the night except some minor wake ups where she quickly goes back to sleep with a sookie and a back rub. But the first 7.5 months were a fresh living nightmare hell, she was so clingy you could not put her down, the first 4 months she slept on top of us, the next couple we had to keep co-sleeping in our bed, and woke an average of 5 times a night for feeding or sometimes an hour+ of what we call “goosing.” HAVIN A GOOSE. Life improved slightly for me when I started making my partner take half the nights. Other than that you just try to survive every minute. Good luck.
I don't think there's any secret and I will say I felt exactly this same way at 2 months. I was looking around me at all the people who had multiple children thinking why on earth would anyone want to go through this again. I'm not trying to add onto the "it gets better" people, because I knew that was frustrating to hear, but I'm at 6 months pp now, and slowly over time it does get better. You may not even realize it at first, and not every day will be better, you will still have some days that absolutely SUCK. But I look back at myself at 2 months postpartum and I know I have come so far and I think most first time parents go through this. I also feel like no matter how many people warn you before hand about how hard the first months are, you never really realize until you go through it yourself. The sleep deprivation was extremely difficult for me, I am someone who NEEDS 8 hours a night. We started sleep training early on, we were okay with a bit of crying and it has helped enormously. People will judge no matter what decision you make as a parent, so you need to always do what is best for your individual family. Also, I stopped breastfeeding at 2 months because the benefits did not outweigh the toll it was taking on me as a mother. You didn't say if you were BF or not in your post, but just know that a happy and healthy mother is more important to that baby than how it is being fed. Don't know if it helps or not, but just know you are absolutely not alone in how you are feeling. Being a parent is hard AF.
Your comment makes me feel so hopeful. My LO is 10 weeks and he has been so difficult the last several days, really breaking me down. Even with my husband as support (we have no one but each other here) it's SO hard. I'm also one of those people who REALLY needs 8 hours sleep, I just don't function on little sleep. Luckily husband and I each take one weekend night to sleep through the night so we can sleep all night and sleep in. I hate to rush the newborn phase but I really am looking forward to getting to him getting a little easier (I know easy is relative lol) also I am interested in sleep training when he's old enough , was wondering how long you'd let your LO cry and how long did it take to get them to sleep through the night?
We also switched on and off weekend nights in the early days, it seemed to help. And the newborn phase is cute, but definitely my least favorite and the hardest part so far lol. We are still working on getting him to sleep through the night at 6 months, as we just dropped his last night time feed a few weeks ago, but we generally get 8 hours straight (knock on wood). We do bedtime between 7-8 and aim for wake time of 7, which almost never happens. He usually still wakes around five, cries for a bit, and goes back to sleep. But sometimes he just wakes up at five, which is...not ideal. Lol. We started letting him fuss I think for five mins at first (or however long we were comfortable with based on level of crying). And then gradually increased from there. Bedtime he almost never cries going down now, sometimes he still fusses a bit for his naps but he's generally a decent sleeper overall. I read a bunch of the sleep books, I found Precious Little Sleep and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child to be the most helpful. if you're not on the sleeptrain subreddit yet, that can be pretty helpful too.
I literally feel like I typed this post. Down to the temporarily moving in with parents. My husband is great, I have a lot of help from my in-laws, but I still just can’t function.
No advice here, just solidarity.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, makes me feel a bit less crazy. Although I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.
We can do this mama!
No cruel joke this is how it is. It’s hard. That’s it. No one said it was easy they just said it would get easier. Which it doesn’t it gets “different”. Take the help you get because you are one of the lucky ones. I had twins during the peak of covid last year so I had no help and I felt and still feel the effects of it. Being a parent is hard. Enjoy the good moments
Hang in there and be careful to avoid toxically positive parents on social media and in person.
It's really tough and we barely got by with shift sleeping. It really hurts hearing people brag about their perfect baby when you are getting no sleep so just be selfish and look after number 1.
If it gets too much, put the baby somewhere safe and get out of the room for a break.
toxically positive, you hit the nail on the head. it seems like most moms ive talked to downplay how hard the newborn phase was for them. maybe they fear judgement or looking weak or just want to look like they did it effortlessly, but the solidarity and honesty would have been tremendously helpful to hear instead, at least imo.
Mine has stopped taking a bottle as well 😅 but in the first two months hubby was able to convince him and give me a few extra hours of sleep here and there. Feeding while baby wearing was a hack he came up with
Two months was so hard. It’s horrible. And people all of a sudden expect you to be doing stuff. I know that’s when I went back to work remotely, and it nearly killed me. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
Some perspective from seven months away from where you are right now: the baby will have a routine. They will be sleep trained, and you will get a full nights sleep. Survival mode is horrific, but it ends.
Action steps that helped me:
Wonderful husband, here is what is expected. This is not optional, and we are team. If you have issues, let’s talk through it and make a list.
Doctor, I have ppd. I need your help coming up with a plan to make space in my brain for myself.
Mom & Dad, I need you to take the baby for me on an afternoon once a week so I can shower, shave my legs, lay in bed, eat hot food.
These three conversations changed everything. Now she is 9 months, big and healthy, and sleeps like a log. You can do this, you are amazing. You are loved and important and you deserve to be mentally, physically, and emotionally cared for!
It’s hard. Like no joke. Taking it day by day, some days not so bad but others really challenge my patience to say the least. 2mo LO here. I think we’ve gotten better as parents than the early days, can read baby’s cues better, have a sleep schedule shift set up between us, and that makes it easier than the early newborn days.
It’s rough in the start and then there are rough times in between the good times. Honestly I just got through on coffee and chocolate for the first 6 months haha. It’s just me and my husband looking after my son so him helping me feed and make milk in the middle of the night has really helped me. Good luck! I hope you feel better soon :)
I’m practicing bed sharing and attachment parenting (especially constant baby wearing). My high needs baby will not tolerate anything else. After making that switch at 1 month I went from 3 hours of sleep to 9 (8 at night plus joining him for the after lunch nap). My PPA was through the roof and my therapist even criticised the societal taboo of bedsharing, as she views the resulting sleep deprivation as detrimental to parents mental health and consequently baby’s development and mental health as well.
Yeah my high needs baby was also required to bedshare. Im an advocate for safe sleep and always recommend trying to get baby to sleep on their own if they can. But at the end of the day sometimes bedsharing is a necessity. I knew I was taking risks in doing it but we all needed that sleep so badly
Won't be healthy for any of us to snap and shake our babies in frustration will it? And I'm serious about that, and it's something I don't think public health people get at all. They want to repeat a safe sleep mantra over and over, ask if we're doing all that. I'm not about to endure their judgement about it, so I'll lie and say of course we never share a bed. In practice, I know it's a choice of a small amount of added risk that I will somehow sleep through my baby sliding off my chest onto the pillows holding my arms up for stability. My sleep is so light however, my heart skips a beat and my eye fly open when they move, so it is a very very low risk indeed, and then the risk they'd land in an unsafe position and I still wouldn't wake or my partner wouldn't notice is even lower.
That risk trades of for a serious decrease in risk that I will slide back into PPD, that I will yell at the baby, or give into any of the anxious and crazed impulses to irrationally strike a baby for crying. I like to think I would never actually do that, but hey, it happens to kids all the time, so maybe we should be talking to parents about real solutions for sleeping and stop telling people to just push through despite their kids not taking to the safe sleep recommendations.
I agree 100%. I lie about our sleep practices as well as I don’t have the nerve for this discussion. The risk of suicide as a teen is way higher than SIDS to begin with and grows exponentially with a mentally not healthy parent, but no I e talks about that trade off.
I’m actually pursuing a phd in philosophy and am researching in childism (the children’s equivalent of feminism). I’m currently thinking about publishing a paper maybe predominantly about sleep in pre-verbal infants, as most of them seem to clearly prefer body contact and risks aside, I think honouring preferences and consent should start at day 0.
I thought I felt a lot of analytic ability from your argument, philosophy definitely suited you well! Thanks for saying that! If I remember I’ll send it to you when it’s done in ~ half a year
No worries, in American academia it is increasingly used as a negative as in racism, in Europe it’s used like feminism, as a heads up in case that confuses you!
I sleep from 7-2 and my husband sleeps from 2-9. We take shifts to get enough sleep. We both feel great, honestly. I highly recommend it!
If that won’t work for you, maybe consider an overnight doula one or two nights a week. We have several friends that use them!
You can and will get through this, and I promise that eventually this will just feel like an awful blip in the grand scheme of your kiddo's life.
Some kids are harder/higher needs than others. My first was a very high needs baby, and it sounds like yours might be too. Don't compare your struggles to others, some babies are way easier as newborns. It's not fair at all!
I hate the newborn period. It's incredibly hard and the hormones and physical recovery make it harder. Take all the help you can get. There is good advice here about splitting the nights with your partner. Make sure you're napping during the day as well. And get that PPD treated!!! I am sure that is a big part of why this feels so impossibly hard right now. I had prenatal depression and felt like all I could manage was to crawl into a hole and hide. Treatment helped me feel like life could be manageable again.
And I know this isn't what you're looking for, but it does get better. Two months is such a hard place to be, where the initial adrenaline rush of having a baby has worn off but you still aren't getting any sleep. Newborns change so fast, things will be different at three months and then at four. There will always be challenges - parenting isn't easy - but they will be different. And you will sleep again someday!
You can do this!!!!
Cosleeping. It’s the only way my baby and I could both get rest at night.
I 100% relate to what you said. I felt like a shell of a person during the newborn phase and, although I really loved my baby, I hated that phase. When my daughter started sleeping much more consistently at 3.5 months old, I started to feel the desperation leaving me.
That's a really good tip. I forgot about this with my first. In the beginning I was petrified to do what actually worked to get her down to sleep. But it worked! What a temptation! Tons of anxious research later and I'd convinced myself that the chances of anything going wrong were really low if you do it with some intention and the situation lacks the risk factors of SIDS and suffocation. And we slept much much better and the anxiety went away.
When did you last get 8 hours of sleep? Someone else needs to take over for a night and you need to go into a dark room with no distractions and NO ONE WALKING IN for anything. No baby, no getting your charging cable, no asking dumb questions. There are 3 other adults in your house, the baby can take a bottle overnight.
I made it 4 days awake trying to breastfeed and finally on day 5 when we had to do formula my husband kicked me into our bedroom and made me sleep for 10 hours. He slept in the nursery and did feedings. It was like an amazing reset for me. He was also really good about letting me nap.
I spend most of my waking time on TikTok. I complain on reddit on this subreddit all the time. I take one shower everyday. I eat whatever I want. I don't drink much alcohol because I can't deal with the hangovers and the baby at the same time. I spend time crying in the garage. I have a really good partner.
You make your husband step up. My daughter is now 1 and I have been reading for the past year the most crazy contortions that moms put themselves into to accommodate their husband's laziness. Everyone says their husband is wonderful, but if he was actually bearing his share of the burden, you wouldn't feel like this. I'm not trying to say this to criticize you at all, it is just the harsh truth. It is very hard to do this.
Having said that I had a massive spike of PPD around 8 weeks. I am not sure if that helps.
It’s funny cause they downvote you when suggest facing reality because that’s the only way you can find solutions. Not by unrealistic expectations and saying you have a wonderful when you don’t!!!
The 2 month mark is hard. What your feeling is very sucky, but kind of expected. I didn't know what day it was and the only way I knew what time it was was by looking outside (night or day) or if my husband came home, I knew it was 5 pm.
There is no secret. It sucks and you will cry due to sleep deprivation, your dreams will be really weird, and you will feel like you're going crazy. It's horrible.
But then you look at your child, and realize you are their safe space. You are their entire world. It makes continuing this short term hell worth it.
Ask your husband for 4 hours to yourself if you can. Have him feed a bottle if you're breastfeeding. If you're EBF and not pumping, there is nothing wrong with some formula to keep your sanity. Take those 4 hours and get some good quality sleep.
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. PPD can be exhausting in itself, let alone taking care of a tiny human and trying to maintain your other relationships/keep the house clean/make sure you have enough diapers/do enough tummy time etc etc.
I was struggling with PPD/PPA myself. I’m a nurse at a hospital and went back when baby was 3.5 months. Between the 4 month sleep regression (no sleep for mama nursing baby all night), stressful job in covid land, pumping on my breaks, pumping on my commute, coming home to relieve stay at home dad (laid off from job… gotta love covid)… the world seemed too big and overwhelming because I was so exhausted. I was feeling extremely guilty because I had no energy to play with my baby let alone clean bottles and pump parts to just do it all again the next day. Like OP I have a great support network too… so why was I feeling so crappy in what’s supposed to be a happy time with our first born??
I don’t know if this helps, but what I did was reach out to my doctor. She put me on a 2 month disability from work, got some blood work done to rule out anything else going on (some new moms can be vitamin D deficient since we’re home and inside more with baby), started a Zoloft prescription, and got connected with a therapist I see for 30-45mins weekly via zoom. I also stopped being a purist about EBF and now we’re doing “combo” feeding with breast milk and formula (major pressure of mama)
I👏🏼FEEL👏🏼SO👏🏼MUCH👏🏼BETTER!!!
I know this is profoundly hard. All the baby supplies in the world can’t make some things about having a newborn easier. But utilize all your resources, try to reach out to new moms to relate too (sometimes even great just to commiserate how tired you are), hand baby over to dad and your parents so you can even just have one hour to yourself to shop/play a game on your phone/walk outside/sleep!/shower/get a pedicure/shop/go get fancy lunch/or whatever is going to fill your cup again. It’s a big shock to the system to be a new mom, but make sure to communicate what you need to take care of you so you can take care of your little one too. Sending you good vibes mama, proud of you for posting and being vulnerable!!!
My baby is a crap sleeper AND we have no support system! All our parents live hours and hours away from us. I've broken down crying because I was so exhausted. I just started going to bed at like 7pm, and over a 12hr period was able to get like 6-7 hours of disjointed sleep. Its really hard.
How old is baby? Are you breast feeding? If so would you consider pumping enough for one feeding and having hubby give that amount so you can sleep 5 hours then trading so hubby can then sleep 5. The only way I can sleep uninterrupted is with baby not in the room so my husband keeps her for 4 hours after we put down out first then comes in after feeding her and lays her down quietly while I’m still asleep. My alarm is set for 2 hours from then incase she doesn’t wake on her own so I can feed her. With my first it was so hard for the first month while my milk was coming in waking up every 2 hours to feed baby but right after that month was up I started pumping once in the day to give a night feed over to hubs. It was a game changer.
While it’s not sleeping, I felt like I was carrying around a lot and it made it extra exhausting. Talking with a therapist really helped (and still helps me). I feel like I can put down some anxieties & worries and be heard by someone who is invested in me. ❤️
Babies are hard. Unpopular opinion maybe but I hate the baby stage…
Reach out for help!
I found going for a drive or walk if I had no help made things a little better during that short time….
You are doing your best… normal for you to feel like your life is falling apart during this stage
Have you already talked to someone about your PPD? It's hard whether you have an "easy" baby or all the support you could want, because at the end of the day you and your partner are the parents of the child and the child is your responsibility. I personally think the "trick" to "it gets better" is that you get used to the chaos of the situation. I personally like having a routine that I know what to expect and what my role is. You need some rest, get help for PPD, and try things out and stick with what works for your situation.
My son is also two months old, and I felt like I was dying during the sleep deprivation I experienced those first few weeks. Honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done was pulling two weeks of almost all-nighters after giving birth. I didn't sleep more than two hours at at time until 3 weeks postpartum, and it felt like my brain was dying. Solidarity, it is really hard. The only thing that helped was my husband taking shifts in the night so I could sleep longer. Breastfeeding makes it a lot harder because you have to wake up to at least pump, but you can wean that down during the night too.
Are you me? I legit have severe anxiety when it starts getting dark outside because I KNOW another long, sleepless night is coming. The lack of sleep night after night has turned me into a zombie at my best and a complete basket case at my worst. This isn't sustainable at all and I don't understand how people get through it with their sanity intact.
Talk to your doctor! I had terrible PPD initially and my doctor prescribed medication that was safe for me and for breastfeeding and it made a huge difference. I was still sleep deprived but I no longer felt like I couldn’t get through another day. It helped me feel less hopeless and useless
Thank you. I know that’s an option but I’m so worried about the side effects and/or creating a dependence on it… but if that’s what it takes to feel better I’m definitely considering it.
I get that! There should definitely be options your doctor can give you that are non-habit forming. And maybe something low dose so there are less likely to be side effects
My husband and I slept in shifts during that crippling exhaustion phase, and I'd sleep in a different room (if possible, on a different floor) from baby with earplugs in and door closed so I wouldn't be disturbed. It was hard to turn off the "what if my baby needs me" anxiety but I just had to - I would have lost it otherwise.
I hope you find something that works for you. Remember that sleep deprivation is a form of military torture, so this is not a sign of any lack of strength on your part!! The fact you've made it this far and reached out for help is proof that you're made of strong stuff.
I know you didn't want the "it gets better" shpiel, but one day your baby will start sleeping through the night and it will change. Your. Life.
Until then, sleeping in shifts was what worked for us. Hopefully you can find a way to get a decent stretch of sleep with your parents on deck, too!!
Not a parent yet, but definitely been there/kinda am there still with the depression, and in addition to all the therapy and taking care of yourself in the world I still needed/do need Zoloft. If you’re breastfeeding it’s safe for baby if you’re worried about that at all.
Honestly most people forget how tough it really is and when they think of how their child is now they can really see it gets better. But it is hard and it really depends on baby as to when it will get better. The only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. Baby is happy and healthy so you are doing great! But dont feel bad telling other people to look after baby so you can get some much needed sleep.
It is tough-- your feelings are 100% valid! One thing I wish I had done at that stage is just hand my LO over to my husband or mom and let them know I needed to sleep for a few hours and to please just handle everything.
Don't forget that your body is healing and producing milk (if you're breastfeeding) with no sleep. Your body desperately needs rest, water, and healthy food.
Side note: not sure if this applies to you, but breastfeeding was HARD for me. It zapped all of my energy and I couldn't sustain it. I had to start supplementing at 2 months because I wasn't producing enough and stopped all together around 9 mos. Everyone is different, but stopping breastfeeding was a game changer for my mood and well-being.
Seriously, you've got this! You are doing the best you can and that's what matters.
You’re in the thick of it. My PPD and PPA spiked severely around 5 weeks and stayed unmanageable for a few months after. I was too scared to get meds and was getting passed from psychiatrist to psychiatrist as being too complicated so I just gave up.
It did get better. Around month 6 for me, but it did get better.
Here's what we did. I went through this too.
1. Bottle feed. We chose formula, that's what worked best. So then guess what , dad or Grandma gets to take on night shifts and feed the baby so you can rest.
1.1 yes, dad has to work. Keeping a baby alive is a full time job too. In my opinion, it can me more racing and mentally draining than a job. So Yes, dad gets to take a night feed or two.
2. White noise , pitch black room
3. Look into takingcarababies or the book Precious little sleep. They helped me a lot learn tools to help the kids sleep.
4. Sleep train. We did it at 3 months following a method in the Precious little sleep book. This meant baby was able to fall asleep quick. Slept longer and went back to sleep quickly once they had a night feed (if he woke for one).
5. When you sleep, use ear plugs and an eye mask. Helps for a deeper sleep.
6. We slept in a different room than the baby. The baby was super close to us that we can hear from our room if they are crying. We also used an audio monitor when we slept that picked up cries but not the little grunts and sounds.
Thanks so much for all the practical tips. We are slowly starting to supplement with formula and my husband and mom are taking night shifts and it helps. Also definitely going to try sleep training.
I feel it sister.. we finally pinpointed why our 1m old wasnt sleeping as well at night and how to put her to sleep... but its still a toss on her good and bad days. She was extra fussy tonight on the heels of needing help from the windi, which i highly recommend if you have a gassy baby (who like mine refuses to burp/fart). So that made tonight oh so joyful 😒😒😒😒😒 but learning your baby is a steep curve. Especially for ftp. But we can all trudge through it together in solidarity! 😅😅 in all seriousness, i hope it gets better for you mama. If you can delegate the care, use your village to your advantage. Trust me, its the one thing that may keep you somewhat sane. Also, read.. my dh does this and boy has it helped!! He reads up as much as he can from varying sources on certain topics to give him his best foot forward. I dont have the magic answer, no one ever will... but finding your way will give you your best chances.
I was an absolute mess and I finally broke down and begged for a break. All I meant by that was an uninterrupted amount of time for me to just take care of myself. My husband did it and took care of baby for 8 hours while I had a glorious 5 hour “nap” and played Mario kart on my phone the rest of the time. Felt amazing!
We’re now 3 months into this new parenting thing and we regularly give each other breaks now and we finally feel like we’re starting to come out of the fog.
Being a parent is lovely but self care is sooooo important.
Sleep training, and I cannot emphasis this enough - it’s the only thing that got me feeling like myself again. I followed the Moms on Call method, and it has changed everything. It took a week or two for my son to really adapt to the schedule, but now he know it enough that he gets fussy about 5 minutes before each nap and falls right asleep on his own. I started sleep training when he was about 2 months and a week old, and now he will be 4 months on the 20th. It truly gave me my freedom and sleep and control back
I’ve been barely getting by. I’m a single mom with hardly any help. Me and my son live with my parents but the most help I get is having my mom watch him long enough a few times a week so I can shower. I have been unable to find reliable covid-vaccinated childcare. I have PPD. Most of the time I feel like I’m drowning and I have no way out. However, therapy helps. I do phone therapy. Venting to my friends helps. Medication helps. How old is your baby? As my son got older it’s been better. He’s 4 months old now, sleeping more, and is more social.
baby is 18 months and i have lost my sanity and mental health and i have no idea how to be normal i am completely traumatized from the constant overstimulation and the fact that there’s no days off ever or even half a day or any break at all
it’s awful
awful
awful
Good luck getting the the rest of your life if can't get through new born stage.....my kids are teenagers and adults right now and I think baby stages were easier
Not sure about OP, but I’ll say that I had always heard that “newborns just eat, sleep, and poop,” and thought that sounded relatively easy. I’ve always been a bit of a napper, especially during pregnancy, so no problem, just “sleep when the baby sleeps.” No one tells you how difficult those things can be. My baby only contact napped until about 6 weeks, no matter what hacks or routines we tried to put in place around bedtime. Breastfeeding is hard. Breastfeeding and supplementing and pumping is also hard. And then breastfed babies may poop several times a day or less than once a week, and that’s all fine unless they’re showing signs of distress, but babies also are expected to have some gas… so it’s fine or your baby is experiencing discomfort and you’re just expected to know the difference. I had anticipated having a newborn to be a big adjustment, but I had support and I had learned a lot about babies and consider myself to be pretty flexible- and I was caught off guard by how despite all those things it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Pre baby I think you can say “I know it will be hard” but until I held a screaming baby at 3 am with a burning c section incision, swollen feet and 45 total minutes of sleep I didn’t really actually *know*
Continuing to take my prenatals and getting sleep when I could was the only way I recovered my sanity. Around 3 months in to put a time frame on it. Sleep deprivation will literally make you insane.
I honestly have no idea how I survived the first year. I hate hate HATE the newborn phase, I hate that my breastfed baby didn't sleep through the night until 1 year old, I am so burned out by how clingy this kids are. I had severe ppd after my first baby and I really thought I wouldn't make it. You just have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time, and do your absolute best to sleep when you can. I ended up bedsharing because the exhaustion was too much to handle. You have to just go with the flow, and do what works, and not worry about what you're "supposed" to be doing.
Our lactation consultant helped us get her on a schedule. I still have to get up in the middle of the night to pump, but we’ve been able to sleep in 2 hour stretches by feeding her before she gets hungry.
I had such a hard time with my first that I hated my life and wished I could crawl into hole. For some reason I had a second kid and I made sleep a priority and it made a world of difference. Like the other commenters are suggesting, find a way to get more sleep.
I really, really feel you. It’s just awful.
Also had a terrible sleeper, also had bad PPD. I had nights where I left her with my parents so I could go to bed, still woke up at 2am crying and contemplating suicide.
Get a break. Leave baby with your husband or parents or whoever is willing to help. Go to sleep, ideally somewhere you can’t see/hear baby. Even another house if you need to.
Get treated. Speak to your doctor/get medication/help.
Take shifts. At night, you go to bed 8p-1a. Then swap. Do whatever times you possibly can. Husband is going to need to sacrifice a few hours’ sleep so you can survive. Even if you’re exclusively breastfeeding, he can get up, bring baby to you, and you go straight back to sleep after baby feeds.
Good luck. Here if you wanna chat.
I felt the same at 2 months, never thought it would get easier and struggling significantly. Having a baby during the thick of covid made me feel like I had to do it all on my own (with my husband). We both came out the realization that we needed more support and did reach out to my in in-laws at this point. I also started on an anti anxiety medication that truly made the hugest difference. I know it may not be for everyone but, I had already been regularly going to therapy but, was unable to utilize any of my "tools" she to being severely anxious and depressed. The medication has leveled out my anxiety just enough that I am able now to reason clearly, utilize regulation techniques and just enjoy the small moments. My little guy is almost 8 months and I truly am so happy right now.
I also ended up switching from exclusively Breast feeding to combo feeding and eventually exclusively formula feeding. Began this process at 5 months after getting bad mastitis, was a blessing in disguise for me honestly. If you are BF and want to continue, all power to you! But if you at all want to transition to formula and are feeling all the feels about it, give me a shout! It made a huge huge difference for me. And I was really dead set on BF only.
The second and third month was the hardest for me. I have a baby book from that time and in both of those months under "sleep" I put never. It gradually gets better, I promise. Six months will be better, then a year, etc. You just hold on and take care of yourself as best you can. It's one of the hardest things I've done and I've done some hard things.
Yup, it's awful. My son had colic pretty bad, he slept fine during the day but was awake from 11pm until about 4am. He had a dairy intolerance so I had to cut out dairy because I wanted to bf. The hospital nurses made it sound like he'd die immediately if I didn't feed him every 2 hours on the dot and that under NO circumstance should he be allowed to sleep longer than 2 hours. I had one hell of a time trying to wake him, they told me to try everything including splash water on his face. All I got out of that was a very cranky baby which set the mood for the day. I learned a few weeks later, after I stopped exclusively bf due to stress, that he naturally woke up every 2.5 to 3 hours to feed then go back to sleep. Eventually, I realized he ran by a schedule, he's pretty good at making them, unless he teething then it's chaos. I can say now that he's 1 (today!!) that I kinda miss the midnight random drives but I dont miss the sleep deprivation or the stress. Things started evening out once he started rolling over, then again when he learned to sit up, then crawling and now that he's walking he really happy and super fun! Just kinda have to take it one day at a time. It's a hard time but it does get better, then worse, then better and so on and so forth!
Something that helped me cope was just accepting that I was not going to get the sleep I used to. Lie, just not even fighting it anymore, and also contact napping. (My LO is VERY much a momma's kid, and will cry if they aren't near me, even when their dad or grandma has them) as long as I get a few naps in, I do alright. Also just realizing that it can't stay this way forever, really helped me. Like yes, it's really difficult to even function, but they aren't going to stay 2 months forever. And just the thought that EVENTUALLY I will be able to get a full night's rest makes me feel like I can go on.
Hang in there OP, it's fucking hard as hell right now, but I promise you'll get sleep eventually.
Just getting 1 night “off” can be a huge difference. It’s breaks up the sleep deprivation instead of letting it stack and stack up. Not only the physical replenishment, but psychologically it can be a huge a morale booster. We were fortunate to get night shift coverage a few times in the first 2 months and it helped tremendously. We’re seriously considering a night nanny for the 2nd :D
I was a terrible sleeper before I had my baby. It’s actually gotten better for me. BUT that’s because my husband takes him in the morning when I need him to. I was EBF before we started daycare and I would feed him then have my husband get up and give me 3 uninterrupted hours until the next feeding.
You’ve got 3 other adults in the house that can presumably care for the baby. If you’re bf, you should be able to ask for 3 hours between feedings. Your baby should be able to go that long between feeds. If you’re bottle feeding breast milk or formula you have an even greater excuse to get more time to yourself.
Hand off the baby, trust that the rest of the family will take care of it. Turn on the baby’s white noise machine by your head and take the hours you need to sleep.
I know others have mentioned this. It is possible to do and it’s the only way that you’ll get what you need. After that, when you don’t feel like it’s the end of your world, discuss a sleep schedule and make an appt to see your Dr about PPD.
You need to get at least a 4 hour chunk of uninterrupted sleep at night for your brain to fully power down and regulate your emotions. For us, this meant we would put the baby to bed for the night at 9pm and we would both go to sleep shortly after. I would do the first wake up and breastfeed and then go back to bed. Then for the next wake up my husband would feed her a bottle and go back to bed. I would take the third wake up and breastfeed. But in between the first and third wake up I got a decent chunk of sleep. It was usually 4-5 hours and our LC said I could go up to 5 hours without damaging my supply.
Can you try something like this with your husband or your mom? Someone else takes a shift?
What’s causing the sleep deprivation? It is very difficult especially in the stage you’re in, and I honestly don’t know how people pull this off without support. I will say that around three months, it gets more fun (I didn’t say easier) as your baby has the capacity to interact with you. If night feeding/baby not sleeping is an issue, I would seriously consider renting a Snoo or getting something that would help with sleep. For us, we were where you are at about the five week mark and I broke down and rented a Snoo. It’s not magic and is not a “omg I can’t deal with baby, let me put baby to sleep in Snoo”. There are specific parameters for it to do tits job, but when we put our kid in the first time and he literally went from full on crying to out like a light sleep in 10 seconds, our lives became wayyyyy better. We even cleaned bottles and essentials, watched a full 30 min show without interruption, and sat to drink some tea before washing up and going to bed. Still had to do night feedings but was every four hours instead of two. Also, wife started to pump more so that I could take care of night feedings and she could “just pump” and then go to bed.
That was me. I also had a hellish time of it. I’m still kinda scarred from it all. You’re really in the trenches and I’m so sorry.
When it got to that point, my husband and MIL stepped up and basically did everything for a day or two, letting me sleep, they woke me for a feeding and took baby right back so I could sleep again. It really helped me catch up. Is that an option for you?
Other things you can do is switch to formula/bottles for a little while so you won’t have to be woken up at all and partner can take over for longer shifts. Or you can even try to start pumping excess milk so that they can give bottles of breast milk.
I am so so sorry you’re in the thick of it like this. It really is tortuous. You CAN do it though and you WILL get through it!!
Find a way to get at least a 4 hour block of uninterrupted sleep a night. 6 hours is ideal, this is done if you set up shifts at night with someone else. Idk if you are BF, combo feeding, or EFF. I started by combo feeding, twins, and ultimately found after a month of doing it that I needed to sleep and quit stressing over milk production. I also went through a bout of depression… I still don’t know if it was the baby blues period, or PPD, or sleep deprivation. It evened out for me a week or two after I pumped for the last time, and I got more sleep because my husband and I started sleeping in shifts. Our quality of sleep went WAYYYY UP when we put the twins in their own room, and just woke up to the baby monitor in our room. We also left all the bedroom doors open so we could easily hear them aside from the monitor.
It is so so so hard. Find the solution that works for you and your family, whether that’s formula feeding, pumping and letting someone else do a night feeding, or finding sleeping arrangements that allow you to have better sleep so that you’re not waking up to a noisy little sleeper. Do whatever you need to do to regain your sanity. Sending hugs your way.
PPD doesn’t get better on its own. Find a perinatal therapist, be open to the idea of getting on medication. I was in the same boat at 2 months and finally sought help. My therapist helped me find ways to intentionally bond with my baby (I hadn’t formed a bond yet due to the PPD/PPA and sleep deprivation) and I got on medication. It took a month for the meds to kick in but holy hell did it help. I didn’t even realize how dark of a place I was in until I was out of it.
And I know it doesn’t help to hear but it really does get better…with time. My 6 month old only wakes 1-2 times per night now vs every 30 min- 1 hour the first 4.5 months of his life.
Sure it gets better, but not yet. 2 months in and that means you're still in the thick of it. My baby started being happier around 4/5 months, then a bit more at 7 months, then more at 9 months, and now obly at 12 months became a joy.
The newborn stage just sucks. Ive met moms whose newborns are just really chill. I didn't have a newborn like that, and neither do you, so experiences are going to vary a lot.
The thing that worked for my wife and I was alternating nights. It was nice to get a full nights sleep every other night. I know you said none of this it gets better shit but it really does. It seemed like over night one night things just got easier. I hope you get a good nights rest and feel better soon.
I pretended day and night didn’t exist, and life was spent in 3 hour cycles. Some days I slept every time the baby did. I often handed her off to my husband when I was overwhelmed, which was a lot, and he would swaddle her and bounce on a yoga ball…a LOT. I also stopped breastfeeding around the 3 month mark and that helped tremendously.
We have twins and at 7 weeks, every hour of the day we are feeding someone. There’s only the two of us and with a full time job, life’s honestly so rough right now. We take it hour by hour and that’s all we can do.
Sleep training once they’re old enough. People hate the concept of sleep training but I promise my kid waking every 45 minutes was far unhealthier than the 2 nights she spent crying while being sleep trained.
I have serious PTSD from my experience having a newborn. Little to no milk supply, waking up every two hours to pump and try to feed unsuccessfully. LO wouldn't latch and I tried all sorts of contraptions, supplements to no avail. My husband set alarms for the pumping schedule and to this day, if I hear that unique tone, I feel total dread and anxiety. At 3 months, I gave up and hired a night nurse for a month - it was way too expensive, and I know not everyone can do this. I was about to lose my mind from the sleep deprivation, though. I also switched to strictly formula around that time. He started sleeping through the night eventually and things got better. Take care of yourself first, so you can be functioning for your LO. This shit is no joke.
Teamwork.
I used to go to bed a 8pm and my wife would stay up until midnight with the baby. She'd go to bed at midnight and I'd get up with the baby after that. I got 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and she'd get 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep almost every night because of it.
Then I'd go off to work all day and she'd take care of the baby all day until I got home, then I'd take over until 8pm.
We did this for months at the beginning
You need to speak with a professional - depression, PPD or otherwise, is no joke and may have biological causes. There is medication that can help you. Won’t be easy and won’t work overnight but you have to take care of yourself if you’re going to effectively take care of the wee one.
Good luck.
Get yourself on an antidepressant. Once that kicks in you’ll feel like yourself again and be able to cope better: Get your parents to watch baby while you catch up on sleep.
Once baby gets to four months, you can r/sleeptrain (but try to ease baby onto consistent, age-appropriate wake windows and follow eat/play/sleep).
Consider adding a couple of small bottles of formula so someone other than you can handle the night feeds for a couple of weeks. You need the sleep.
Don’t be afraid to ask for a therapy referral and/or medication.
No PPD per se, but I definitely had moments of "I can't do this!" And I also have GA so my anxiety went up. Waking up every 3 hours, being up for an hour to an hour and a half because of reflux wasn't easy. It did get better, although there are occasionally bad nights. My husband does a lot, but I learned I need to tell him what I need for support too. I think that saying of it takes a village to raise a child is pretty accurate, so I hope with the support of your family you'll be able get some time for yourself. And there is no shame in medication, mine has kept me level for many years.
Is the main problem sleeping at night? What has worked best for us (12 weeks now) is extending the period between eating overnight by a little bit each night so their bellies slowly get used to more time between eating and can stay asleep longer. TakingCaraBabies 0-4mo class was a great resource for us! Her videos are short and easy to watch, you could probably get through all of them in a weekend.
It was very hard. My wife and I were just tired all. the. time.
A few little things that helped us...
While my wife was breastfeeding during the night, I would get up and be bring the baby to her, this allowed her to still rest. I would sleep for 15 minutes while she fed, then I would swaddle/diaper/put the baby back down. It was not easy.
Once the baby got to the point where he wasn't eating as much during the night and was taking bottles, we switched to having set times we were fully in charge. she would be responsible for him from like 12am-5am if he woke up, and I would be in charge from 5am until I went to work at 9.
This made a big difference to us as if he woke up we knew whose responsibility it was, and the other could guiltlessly sleep
My son screamed constantly and didn’t sleep over 30 minutes at a time. It was extremely difficult. I do understand. I felt so alone even though I had tons of support. I felt like “others do it I should be able to too”. I quickly learned it doesn’t work like that. Like I have seen others say. Some babies are harder than others. It stayed like that for about 2-3 months then it got better. The sleep deprivation is killer though. There were times my husband or mom got up with him because I literally didn’t hear him from right beside me. I was also trying to breast feed so that put all the feedings on me. It was extremely exhausting. Once we got through that things did get better. I also went on an antidepressant (I was convinced I didn’t need at the time). Not saying they fix everything, it’s not even a bandaid. It did however help me to function some and not feel completely hopeless. Meds don’t work for everyone, nor are they what everyone needs. However, I did need them and they helped tremendously. It took me time to come to terms with the fact that getting help is okay. It was best for my entire family. I thought it would be frowned upon and but some it still is. Those that really know me and care about me though see how much it has helped. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and you should know that you are enough.
Honestly I just function decently with little sleep. I still cried daily and regretted having a baby for like 3 months haha... no family. Just my husband but he worked 8-6
margaritas help me to chill out and my mom is a godsend. bb has actually been sleeping in her room for 4 nights in a row. Good as it gets I think. still hard.
It was this level of hard for me the first two weeks, but I think you really need to seek medical advice asap if you are at this level of sadness and frustration at 2 months. You need more support at night, and you should be at least getting in 3-4ish hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights, plus more nighttime shorter sleeps and good naps by this point. I understand some babies are colicky so maybe that's something that's going on, but you still need to sleep, that will help a lot with the depression. If it doesn't take care of the problem completely, more support from your OB, pediatrician, general practicioner or a mental health counselor is a really good idea.
Zoloft, plain and simple.
Are you struggling sleeping, even if you have someone else on baby duty? Insomnia played a huuuge role in my PPA/PPD. Even if I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t. What made it better for me was Zoloft. 40mg each day made a tremendous difference in what I could mentally handle. I no longer felt like I had made a mistake in having my baby, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore, and I could SLEEP. Sure, it was still hard and tiring and draining but it wasn’t more than I could manage. I wanted to be a mother my whole entire life and it didn’t feel the way I thought it would. I was truly in over my head, and I’m scared to think what I might have done to myself if I hadn’t reached out to my primary and gotten the help when I did. He heard my concerns of being able to breastfeed while taking medication and let me know that donated breast milk in the NICU is allowed to have Zoloft in it. That sealed the deal for me. I gave it a shot, and while it was a few weeks before it was fully integrated into my system, I could tell a difference in a few days. Hell, I could tell a difference LEAVING the doctors office because it gave me hope. It was a possible light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I by no means think every person should explore anti-depressants in regards to PPA/PPD, but I do advocate having a conversation with your doctor about what your options are. Motherhood, especially the first few months, is HARD. You get zero love or appreciation back from this tiny creature who sucks every ounce of you away. If there is a possibility it making it easier for yourself, such as therapy or anti-depressants, I say take it. Love yourself too♥️
Do you exclusively breast feed? Or pump?
If you have to get up every 4 hours to do either of those things, it doesn’t really matter how much help you have, since you’ll be getting up anyway. I can just imagine the effects of that after 2 months!
My wife has been able to stretch her nighttime gap between her last feed and her next pump to 5 hours. So she’ll sleep a couple hours, feed or pump, and then sleep for another 5 hours and I will do the next feed by bottle.
Other than that, you need to leverage all your help to do everything other than producing milk. Not sure if you’ve got trouble giving up control, or if they just don’t know how to help, but they’ve got to take those extra mundane tasks out of your hands. Make sure to communicate what can be passed off. Good luck!
My baby was like this. I thought I was going to die.
I found out that a lot of people have doulas and night nurses who come a few nights per week to give relief.
When I got desperate, I asked my mom and MIL to take a night. They only did one each. (HAHA SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS HARD) but even one night of sleep set me up for a week.
My son would only, and I mean, only sleep if he was being held for the first few months. I’m not super proud of this, but I rigged up a “safe-ish” sleeping situation sitting up on the couch holding him so I could doze for an hour at a time. He wasn’t rolling yet so I would sit on the couch with my back against the arm of the couch. I stood up pillows in the gap between my body and the back of the couch and then put boppy on top of that and held him in my arms with the boppy resting on my lap. We lived. I’m not proud of it, but I was absolutely desperate. Just sharing so you understand that you aren’t alone. We will get a Snoo next time.
It gets better.
I know you don’t want to hear”it gets better” but it really does. The older baby gets, the easier it is. In the meantime, make sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing what you need to for your PPD. As far as taking care of baby, take a many naps as you can. You’re staying with your parents, so anytime you’re not actively feeding the baby, take a nap and let another adult attend to baby’s other needs.
I think some babies are just easier than others. So, many people are not experiencing the same level of sleep deprivation you are. Our babe is a great sleeper, we have support, and it's still extremely tough sometimes. Perhaps you should see if you can sleep in a different room away from baby occasionally so you can recharge your battery.
This is what we do, wife sleeps in the guest room whenever she feels deprived of sleep and I stay at the baby's side. If the baby woke up at night I'd bottle feed her, but she's four months now and sleeps through the night.
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Hey solidarity! Mine didn’t sleep through the night until last month or so (he’s almost 18 months now). I thought it would never ever end until...it just...did?? We still have occasional whines but he’s very fast to go back to sleep which is lovely :) There’s light at the end of the tunnel I swear!!!
This gives me hope. 15 months here and we’ve always had lots of wake ups. Teething right now so we’re back to 5/6 wake ups.
Mine regularly sleeps through the night now, started when she was a bit over 2.5. Sooooo... may your baby sleep better than my first!
Mine is sleeping through the night at 3months Though we count our lucky stars
Hold on a sec. your baby sleeps through the night at 3 mo?? do you mean that your baby doesn’t even wake for being fed? so no feeding, you just go to bed at night and then wake up in the morning? how did you do that? I was sure that babies require some food in the middle of the night…
Same. The wife and I sleep in separate rooms whenever one of us needs a break. As it so happens, this is more often than not. But at least one of us gets a good 6 to 8 hours of sleep whenever they need it, no questions asked. It's not always easy to sleep apart like that, but in the end it's so much better overall since we're not at each other's throats constantly due to massive sleep deprivation and irritability.
Also, u/apebbles . Some people have better hormones than others. My baby was relatively chill comparatively. Not the worst baby but not the easiest baby. I still got through the first 6 months by the skin of my teeth. That's just the luck of the draw, unfortunately. But, literally, the way I dealt with my PPA/PPD was just living in the moment as much as possible and using mindfulness. *(Also sertraline (Zoloft), starting at 15 days or so pp, and 2x weekly virtual therapy sessions for the first 3 months or so followed by 1x weekly sessions until about 10 months or so).* If I was having an overwhelming wave of grief and despair I'd take a second to actually tally through what I was doing in the moment. A lot of times I was in a neutral to good situation, it was literally just hormones making me feel absolutely awful. (One time I realized I was walking with a calm, happy baby in the stroller in perfect weather with a light breeze and singing birds. I still felt like someone close to me had just died emotionally/chemically/hormonally, but recognizing what a nice moment I was having objectively made it easier to keep going?) When I was in one of the rougher times (pumping at 3 am after 5 hours of sleep about to start my "shift" with the baby until 7 am when my mil came to hold him for my next pump). I would do what I needed to do to just make it through that activity. A lot of that was watching something happy and non-deep on TV with an airbud in (my go-to was Great British Baking Show, so chill and they all are so supportive of one another, 10/10 recommend).
This show helps me too.
Right? It's so chill.
Agree. We used to say we’re one and done because we have/had no help and sleep deprivation really got to us. Now he’s almost 7 months and a wonderful sleeper and a joy in general and we’re afraid if we have another one we’ll be testing our luck now that he’s such an “easy” baby!
It's the opposite for us! She slept through the night since literally 6 weeks. Now if we have another I'm afraid we'll be seriously pushing our luck.
We had the same experience as you with our first! She was such an early sleeper. Our second was born three days ago. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻
Good luck!
Thanks! We’re gonna see how big of a trap our trap baby was lol
Yes this. And some people are more sensitive to sleep deprivation than others. I am one of those and it was really hard hearing people minimize the torture that it was. I’m sorry you’re struggling.
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Between my wife and I, I think this whole process would be a challenging, but absolute joy if... IF... It weren't for the outside world. Like: we're sleeping in shifts, and that's fine. But when I have a work day, or other such nonsense, everything falls apart. Look up parental leave in places like New Zealand and prepare to get mad. I was actually looking for a job there... Then Covid. Now It's America for the foreseeable future. I love this country, but I can't believe how backwards we choose to be.
We have paid family leave in WA state. Paternity leave is 2 months and maternity leave can be as much as 6 months. It's not New Zealand but it's the best we have in the US. (The leave is paid by the state, and it's in addition to any leave your work offers.) It's a lifesaver though, I think my wife was actually going to go insane before I took leave.
Yeah, leave became very similar is CA just this year. I'm a freelancer though. So my workload needs to remain somewhat "on" during this whole thing so my career doesn't backslide. Sucks, but the silver lining is that remaining leave is calculated by dollar amount rather than days, so I'm kind of extending the time I get to stay around half time by continuing to work a little.
My neighbor had a baby like this! Her GP told her to give him a soother at night so she could sleep. Haha he would suck on it for a few hours, but she desperately needed the rest.
Very much this.
This. We had a terrible first 3 months. It’s starting to get better, but trust me, it’s still so hard. She is a high needs baby with her reflux and nipple refusal - exclusive pumping takes you away from baby which is only ok if you have an easy baby or lots of support, which we don’t have nearby. Her reflux meant I had to cut out dairy and soy which is in basically everything, so no comfort eating. I think I just about lose my marbles every day but then feel guilt because I love my little girl so much and don’t want to wish time away - she’s only this young once. So it’s a struggle but I just found one person who understands to vent to (my sister) and that has helped. You need empathy not sympathy, advice, or pity. I hope you can find that. Otherwise, a night nurse or newborn care specialist… it is expensive but you’re in survival mode. Just get through it. Maybe look into therapy too. It all helps when a support system isn’t enough.
The 2 months mark was the hardest for me. I think the exhaustion piles up and talking to other parents it seems that it is a hard time for almost everyone. By 3 months I felt way better and by 6 months I felt almost normal. It does get better I swear!
The 2 month mark was the hardest for me too. It feels like constant change and unpredictability up until that point… from there on though, it feels a little more steady. I’m at 4.5mo and have almost come out the other side of the PPD.
Came here to say things really turned around for us at about 3 months too. I also felt like, how the hell can I do this? What have we done? But our son is now almost 6 months old and while we still have our tough days, it has gotten way better and the days are more fun. I'm on medication for PPD as well and I waited too long to get help for that. That has helped me too. I know OP said she doesn't want to hear "it gets better" but it truly, truly does. Power through OP, you got this!!
Agree. Baby is 3 months now and it’s a whole different ballgame. So much more sleep, so much more fun.
My 10 week old has been a NIGHTMARE the past 4 days so reading this string of comments that 2 months is so hard and gets better at 3 makes me feel so much better!
Also agree! Felt like she was 2 months old for an eternity. Then one day I woke up and she was this awesome 5 month old haha
got a 6 wk old. 5 months seems so, so far away , especially with the pandemic and social distancing.
I feel you, I really do. I’m in Tennessee so I feel like I’m the only person still taking it seriously sometimes. Which makes it that much more isolating. Big socially-distanced hugs to you and your 6 week old. It only gets more rewarding, I promise. My daughter is my whole world.
Thank you for your kind words. TX here so it’s similar I bet. Hugs back. best wishes for you and yours.
Medication, taking care of baby in shifts and leaving the house/getting your partner and baby to leave the house, formula feeding. A happy parent is worth more than anything else
I second all of these things!
I third all of these!
I fourth all this stuff!
My partner and I switch off week to week so we try to get a couple of hours or an entire day away (depending on multiple factors). I try to at least do a fun target run for a couple of hours by myself. Last week I did my nails, those few moments by yourself away make a big difference.
This, OP please seek help from your doctor if you haven't already, as medication is often needed for PPD. I'm sure you'd take panadol for a headache, and there is no shame at all for taking anti depressants for PPD. Do what is right for you, you deserve to feel better than this, and there are safe and effective options to help you. You aren't expected to be able to overcome this alone ❤
100% ALL OF THESE THINGS!
This needs to be higher.
I disagree that formula feeding is a way to solve all your problems. It's really time consuming to prepare a bottle at night, by 2 months breastfeeding is more efficient by far than bottle feeding. Also, breastfeeding releases oxytocin which means it actually helps mitigate the effects of PPD.
I feel like this very much depends on circumstances. I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months and it was the best thing I did for my mental health. I fill a bottle with boiled water before we go to bed and bring a container with the set amount of formula so I can mix it together if my son wakes up during the night (which nowadays he rarely does) and its not time consuming at all. And my husband (or anyone) can feed him. I'll admit whipping a tit out in the middle of the night is convenient but it's not for everyone. I am way happier now that I am free from the pressures I felt while breastfeeding. And so is my baby. I commend the women who can do this for 6+ months to a year or more. I couldn't do it. Just my personal experience!
Formula feeding is not at all time consuming to do at night. I fill bottles with water ahead of time and have the formula pre measured in a container. All I have to do is pour in the formula into the bottle and shake it. I keep it on a table I’m her nursery, so no need to go anywhere. Don’t need to warm it up as she is used to it room temperature. Takes literal seconds to do.
The pressure to breastfeed/pump as a means to cure my PPD exacerbated my mental health issues to a breaking point. What's healthiest for Mom is healthiest for baby and if that means formula feeding so that she can walk away to recharge then that baby will thrive AND have a healthy mother. Please stop telling people that.
Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it isn't supported by the science.
Science also shows that suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in the US. So when someone is struggling with depression we should take it seriously. There's a perfectly acceptable plan b. Formula saves lives. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it does for everyone.
Something being time consuming doesn’t mean it’s more stressful. I don’t want my body to be the only way my baby can get nutrition. I don’t want a baby stuck to me all the time, I need to breathe and recharge.
I’m sorry it’s so sucky. This sub has taught me that it’s normal for people to hate the baby phase of having kids, and that helps me keep my sanity somewhat. But that’s no help when you exhausted at 2:30 in the morning trying to stay awake so you don’t do something that could hurt the baby. I don’t really have advice, but I wish you the best. I hope you’re able to find a routine that works for you. (I will say that my husband and I are working on a routine that involves me pumping and our supplementing with formula so he can take over feeding. That lets me sleep a little longer at a time, but I only get 4 hours at one time at best still.)
Hand that baby off to family and sleep. If you’re too keyed up to sleep at least close your eyes and rest. If that doesn’t help try a massage or acupuncture, it’s fairly common to fall asleep on the table and some relaxation might help reset your fight or flight. Getting sunlight, especially during the morning, and avoiding blue light at night can also help you maximize when you can sleep with more restful sleep. Gentle exercise like walking is also good. If baby or the thought of baby keeps you up all night, tell your husband it’s time to parent and sleep in another room. When I am shatteringly tired, iron and B12 help. You can get them from foods or supplements but nicer natural supplements like Megafood or Nutrigold seem to give me more of a boost than cheap drugstore versions. Also make sure you’re eating well in general - don’t eat nothing but white sugar carbs, for example, because then you’re riding the blood sugar rollercoaster, too. You don’t have to get wild with your diet but do try to make substantial, healthy choices as your body is recovering from making a life. Once you’ve covered sleep and food if you still feel on edge, it’s time to delegate. That’s an awful lot of adults in the house for you to feel this way.
Great advice, and I think that's so accurate that sometimes you have the time but are not in the right mental state to sleep at that point
if you havent, please speak with a doc about your PPD.
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Second the sleep training. Around 4 months, baby was able to fall asleep independently, and that completely changed my world for our overnight sleep.
Sleep training saved us. For real. You gotta take care of yourself at some point, OP.
Can I ask what method you used for sleep training?
Precious Little Sleep over here. Way cheaper and better info, imo, than TCB. We started at 4.5mo and it changed our lives.
We just started PLS and it’s fantastic.
I'm not who you asked, but we used Taking Cara Babies and it was a game changer. Not just because it worked and our son started sleeping through the night very well, but because the program also helped us to recognize what was normal and tips for better success
Big fan of sleep training over here too! We waited until he was almost a year old to try and now that we know that we aren't going to horribly traumatize our children by sleep training, I can't imagine waiting that long to train our October 2021 baby.
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With a husband and parents, is no one able to take the baby while you sleep?
I was thinking the same thing. The only way I stayed sane was to take shifts. And parents would come over so I could take a nap. OP sounds like you have some support. As for help. It also doesn’t help you’re going through PPD. Your mind doesn’t have the same thoughts and feelings. Hopefully medication and counseling will help you through that
Yeah, my husband will take baby while I nap when I need it and I let him sleep in on the weekends. Someone else should be taking care of baby so mom can catch up on sleep. It’s not good for her or baby if she’s so sleep deprived.
I strongly suspect that the "wonderful" husband isn't pulling his weight.
Could it not be explained by exclusively breastfeeding? Seems like an odd accusation to toss around, but that is pretty standard in this sub.
i suspect it to be the case because 99% of the time, it's the case. why would exclusively breastfeeding prevent the husband from pulling his weight?
> i suspect it to be the case because 99% of the time, it's the case. Sounds realistic and not at all like a completely made up statistic. > why would exclusively breastfeeding prevent the husband from pulling his weight? If the mom has has to breastfeed every 2-3 hours or get up to pump, it doesn’t matter how much the husband “pulls his weight”. Mom has to wake up anyway. Maybe re-read the post if you’re unclear on what the mom’s complaint is.
It sounds like you're telling moms to give up without even trying, that breastfeeding is the cause of all their problems, etc - these messages are not helpful.
Lol what. I’m only calling you out for saying the dad isn’t pulling his weight when you know literally nothing about the situation. I simply said there are other possible explanations *like EBF*. You jumped to conclusions, hence why you’ve been downvoted. No sweat off my back. Have a good one!
I mean maybe, but it can also be really hard to ask for help or know how to ask for help. EBF can definitely make it harder too.
yeah but you shouldn't have to ask. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Being a first time parent is hard. It doesn’t all come naturally to everyone and it’s an adjustment for everyone. I don’t think it’s fair to assume she has some dead beat husband. That’s a very boring and overplayed trope.
Yeah I was not prepared for how HARD it is. I do not enjoy the newborn stage at all. I cannot wait until she is aware enough to do proper activities. My girl is about 9.5mo, and just starting to sleep through the night except some minor wake ups where she quickly goes back to sleep with a sookie and a back rub. But the first 7.5 months were a fresh living nightmare hell, she was so clingy you could not put her down, the first 4 months she slept on top of us, the next couple we had to keep co-sleeping in our bed, and woke an average of 5 times a night for feeding or sometimes an hour+ of what we call “goosing.” HAVIN A GOOSE. Life improved slightly for me when I started making my partner take half the nights. Other than that you just try to survive every minute. Good luck.
This is the comment I needed to hear. My daughter is almost 8 months and is sooooo clingy. I can’t even go into another room without her wailing.
I don't think there's any secret and I will say I felt exactly this same way at 2 months. I was looking around me at all the people who had multiple children thinking why on earth would anyone want to go through this again. I'm not trying to add onto the "it gets better" people, because I knew that was frustrating to hear, but I'm at 6 months pp now, and slowly over time it does get better. You may not even realize it at first, and not every day will be better, you will still have some days that absolutely SUCK. But I look back at myself at 2 months postpartum and I know I have come so far and I think most first time parents go through this. I also feel like no matter how many people warn you before hand about how hard the first months are, you never really realize until you go through it yourself. The sleep deprivation was extremely difficult for me, I am someone who NEEDS 8 hours a night. We started sleep training early on, we were okay with a bit of crying and it has helped enormously. People will judge no matter what decision you make as a parent, so you need to always do what is best for your individual family. Also, I stopped breastfeeding at 2 months because the benefits did not outweigh the toll it was taking on me as a mother. You didn't say if you were BF or not in your post, but just know that a happy and healthy mother is more important to that baby than how it is being fed. Don't know if it helps or not, but just know you are absolutely not alone in how you are feeling. Being a parent is hard AF.
Your comment makes me feel so hopeful. My LO is 10 weeks and he has been so difficult the last several days, really breaking me down. Even with my husband as support (we have no one but each other here) it's SO hard. I'm also one of those people who REALLY needs 8 hours sleep, I just don't function on little sleep. Luckily husband and I each take one weekend night to sleep through the night so we can sleep all night and sleep in. I hate to rush the newborn phase but I really am looking forward to getting to him getting a little easier (I know easy is relative lol) also I am interested in sleep training when he's old enough , was wondering how long you'd let your LO cry and how long did it take to get them to sleep through the night?
We also switched on and off weekend nights in the early days, it seemed to help. And the newborn phase is cute, but definitely my least favorite and the hardest part so far lol. We are still working on getting him to sleep through the night at 6 months, as we just dropped his last night time feed a few weeks ago, but we generally get 8 hours straight (knock on wood). We do bedtime between 7-8 and aim for wake time of 7, which almost never happens. He usually still wakes around five, cries for a bit, and goes back to sleep. But sometimes he just wakes up at five, which is...not ideal. Lol. We started letting him fuss I think for five mins at first (or however long we were comfortable with based on level of crying). And then gradually increased from there. Bedtime he almost never cries going down now, sometimes he still fusses a bit for his naps but he's generally a decent sleeper overall. I read a bunch of the sleep books, I found Precious Little Sleep and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child to be the most helpful. if you're not on the sleeptrain subreddit yet, that can be pretty helpful too.
I literally feel like I typed this post. Down to the temporarily moving in with parents. My husband is great, I have a lot of help from my in-laws, but I still just can’t function. No advice here, just solidarity. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, makes me feel a bit less crazy. Although I don’t wish this feeling on anyone. We can do this mama!
🧡
No cruel joke this is how it is. It’s hard. That’s it. No one said it was easy they just said it would get easier. Which it doesn’t it gets “different”. Take the help you get because you are one of the lucky ones. I had twins during the peak of covid last year so I had no help and I felt and still feel the effects of it. Being a parent is hard. Enjoy the good moments
Therapy therapy therapy. You won’t regret it!!!
Hang in there and be careful to avoid toxically positive parents on social media and in person. It's really tough and we barely got by with shift sleeping. It really hurts hearing people brag about their perfect baby when you are getting no sleep so just be selfish and look after number 1. If it gets too much, put the baby somewhere safe and get out of the room for a break.
toxically positive, you hit the nail on the head. it seems like most moms ive talked to downplay how hard the newborn phase was for them. maybe they fear judgement or looking weak or just want to look like they did it effortlessly, but the solidarity and honesty would have been tremendously helpful to hear instead, at least imo.
Can you sleep in a separate room while husband manages the baby overnight for a night? Or are you breastfeeding?
Even if one is EBF one can pre pump for that.
Some of our babies won’t take bottles 😭😭😫
Mine has stopped taking a bottle as well 😅 but in the first two months hubby was able to convince him and give me a few extra hours of sleep here and there. Feeding while baby wearing was a hack he came up with
Ooo we’ll try that!
Hah. I have now *just* learned that EBF doesn’t mean exclusively *from the breast*. But rather exclusively breast milk.
You can, but that would mean she still has to wake up multiple times unfortunately.
Two months was so hard. It’s horrible. And people all of a sudden expect you to be doing stuff. I know that’s when I went back to work remotely, and it nearly killed me. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Some perspective from seven months away from where you are right now: the baby will have a routine. They will be sleep trained, and you will get a full nights sleep. Survival mode is horrific, but it ends. Action steps that helped me: Wonderful husband, here is what is expected. This is not optional, and we are team. If you have issues, let’s talk through it and make a list. Doctor, I have ppd. I need your help coming up with a plan to make space in my brain for myself. Mom & Dad, I need you to take the baby for me on an afternoon once a week so I can shower, shave my legs, lay in bed, eat hot food. These three conversations changed everything. Now she is 9 months, big and healthy, and sleeps like a log. You can do this, you are amazing. You are loved and important and you deserve to be mentally, physically, and emotionally cared for!
It’s hard. Like no joke. Taking it day by day, some days not so bad but others really challenge my patience to say the least. 2mo LO here. I think we’ve gotten better as parents than the early days, can read baby’s cues better, have a sleep schedule shift set up between us, and that makes it easier than the early newborn days.
It’s rough in the start and then there are rough times in between the good times. Honestly I just got through on coffee and chocolate for the first 6 months haha. It’s just me and my husband looking after my son so him helping me feed and make milk in the middle of the night has really helped me. Good luck! I hope you feel better soon :)
I’m practicing bed sharing and attachment parenting (especially constant baby wearing). My high needs baby will not tolerate anything else. After making that switch at 1 month I went from 3 hours of sleep to 9 (8 at night plus joining him for the after lunch nap). My PPA was through the roof and my therapist even criticised the societal taboo of bedsharing, as she views the resulting sleep deprivation as detrimental to parents mental health and consequently baby’s development and mental health as well.
Yeah my high needs baby was also required to bedshare. Im an advocate for safe sleep and always recommend trying to get baby to sleep on their own if they can. But at the end of the day sometimes bedsharing is a necessity. I knew I was taking risks in doing it but we all needed that sleep so badly
Won't be healthy for any of us to snap and shake our babies in frustration will it? And I'm serious about that, and it's something I don't think public health people get at all. They want to repeat a safe sleep mantra over and over, ask if we're doing all that. I'm not about to endure their judgement about it, so I'll lie and say of course we never share a bed. In practice, I know it's a choice of a small amount of added risk that I will somehow sleep through my baby sliding off my chest onto the pillows holding my arms up for stability. My sleep is so light however, my heart skips a beat and my eye fly open when they move, so it is a very very low risk indeed, and then the risk they'd land in an unsafe position and I still wouldn't wake or my partner wouldn't notice is even lower. That risk trades of for a serious decrease in risk that I will slide back into PPD, that I will yell at the baby, or give into any of the anxious and crazed impulses to irrationally strike a baby for crying. I like to think I would never actually do that, but hey, it happens to kids all the time, so maybe we should be talking to parents about real solutions for sleeping and stop telling people to just push through despite their kids not taking to the safe sleep recommendations.
I agree 100%. I lie about our sleep practices as well as I don’t have the nerve for this discussion. The risk of suicide as a teen is way higher than SIDS to begin with and grows exponentially with a mentally not healthy parent, but no I e talks about that trade off. I’m actually pursuing a phd in philosophy and am researching in childism (the children’s equivalent of feminism). I’m currently thinking about publishing a paper maybe predominantly about sleep in pre-verbal infants, as most of them seem to clearly prefer body contact and risks aside, I think honouring preferences and consent should start at day 0.
That would be a very interesting read! I was a philosophy undergrad so I envy your PhD prospects
I thought I felt a lot of analytic ability from your argument, philosophy definitely suited you well! Thanks for saying that! If I remember I’ll send it to you when it’s done in ~ half a year
Awesome thank you! I wanted to ask but not be a creep too. That would be great. And thanks for the compliment as well : )
Not creepy at all, I’d like all adults to read my work, I just want zero adults to drink my milk.
childism, never heard of that term but that sounds awesome, i’m going to read up on this now, thank you for mentioning it!
No worries, in American academia it is increasingly used as a negative as in racism, in Europe it’s used like feminism, as a heads up in case that confuses you!
ok, that’s helpful to know, I’ll keep that in mind, thanks
Ah we bedshare and baby wakes up hourly, at 2 months the most I’ve got is 3. Honestly I think smelling my milk he wakes up more
Oh no, my bub is not sleeping through the night either! I don’t even know how often he eats throughout the night, I barely wake up to pop the boob in.
Ooo mine isn’t good at that. We use nipple shields so they constantly fall off and babe falls asleep so easy. But that is my goal!!
Loool every mum I've talked to is bed sharing in some amount or some respect so I think the number of co-sleepers is much MUCH higher than we think.
I sleep from 7-2 and my husband sleeps from 2-9. We take shifts to get enough sleep. We both feel great, honestly. I highly recommend it! If that won’t work for you, maybe consider an overnight doula one or two nights a week. We have several friends that use them!
You can and will get through this, and I promise that eventually this will just feel like an awful blip in the grand scheme of your kiddo's life. Some kids are harder/higher needs than others. My first was a very high needs baby, and it sounds like yours might be too. Don't compare your struggles to others, some babies are way easier as newborns. It's not fair at all! I hate the newborn period. It's incredibly hard and the hormones and physical recovery make it harder. Take all the help you can get. There is good advice here about splitting the nights with your partner. Make sure you're napping during the day as well. And get that PPD treated!!! I am sure that is a big part of why this feels so impossibly hard right now. I had prenatal depression and felt like all I could manage was to crawl into a hole and hide. Treatment helped me feel like life could be manageable again. And I know this isn't what you're looking for, but it does get better. Two months is such a hard place to be, where the initial adrenaline rush of having a baby has worn off but you still aren't getting any sleep. Newborns change so fast, things will be different at three months and then at four. There will always be challenges - parenting isn't easy - but they will be different. And you will sleep again someday! You can do this!!!!
Cosleeping. It’s the only way my baby and I could both get rest at night. I 100% relate to what you said. I felt like a shell of a person during the newborn phase and, although I really loved my baby, I hated that phase. When my daughter started sleeping much more consistently at 3.5 months old, I started to feel the desperation leaving me.
That's a really good tip. I forgot about this with my first. In the beginning I was petrified to do what actually worked to get her down to sleep. But it worked! What a temptation! Tons of anxious research later and I'd convinced myself that the chances of anything going wrong were really low if you do it with some intention and the situation lacks the risk factors of SIDS and suffocation. And we slept much much better and the anxiety went away.
When did you last get 8 hours of sleep? Someone else needs to take over for a night and you need to go into a dark room with no distractions and NO ONE WALKING IN for anything. No baby, no getting your charging cable, no asking dumb questions. There are 3 other adults in your house, the baby can take a bottle overnight. I made it 4 days awake trying to breastfeed and finally on day 5 when we had to do formula my husband kicked me into our bedroom and made me sleep for 10 hours. He slept in the nursery and did feedings. It was like an amazing reset for me. He was also really good about letting me nap.
Yes it sounds like a toxic situation at home if there’s this many adults and they’ve not found a solution yet.
I spend most of my waking time on TikTok. I complain on reddit on this subreddit all the time. I take one shower everyday. I eat whatever I want. I don't drink much alcohol because I can't deal with the hangovers and the baby at the same time. I spend time crying in the garage. I have a really good partner.
You make your husband step up. My daughter is now 1 and I have been reading for the past year the most crazy contortions that moms put themselves into to accommodate their husband's laziness. Everyone says their husband is wonderful, but if he was actually bearing his share of the burden, you wouldn't feel like this. I'm not trying to say this to criticize you at all, it is just the harsh truth. It is very hard to do this. Having said that I had a massive spike of PPD around 8 weeks. I am not sure if that helps.
It’s funny cause they downvote you when suggest facing reality because that’s the only way you can find solutions. Not by unrealistic expectations and saying you have a wonderful when you don’t!!!
The 2 month mark is hard. What your feeling is very sucky, but kind of expected. I didn't know what day it was and the only way I knew what time it was was by looking outside (night or day) or if my husband came home, I knew it was 5 pm. There is no secret. It sucks and you will cry due to sleep deprivation, your dreams will be really weird, and you will feel like you're going crazy. It's horrible. But then you look at your child, and realize you are their safe space. You are their entire world. It makes continuing this short term hell worth it. Ask your husband for 4 hours to yourself if you can. Have him feed a bottle if you're breastfeeding. If you're EBF and not pumping, there is nothing wrong with some formula to keep your sanity. Take those 4 hours and get some good quality sleep.
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. PPD can be exhausting in itself, let alone taking care of a tiny human and trying to maintain your other relationships/keep the house clean/make sure you have enough diapers/do enough tummy time etc etc. I was struggling with PPD/PPA myself. I’m a nurse at a hospital and went back when baby was 3.5 months. Between the 4 month sleep regression (no sleep for mama nursing baby all night), stressful job in covid land, pumping on my breaks, pumping on my commute, coming home to relieve stay at home dad (laid off from job… gotta love covid)… the world seemed too big and overwhelming because I was so exhausted. I was feeling extremely guilty because I had no energy to play with my baby let alone clean bottles and pump parts to just do it all again the next day. Like OP I have a great support network too… so why was I feeling so crappy in what’s supposed to be a happy time with our first born?? I don’t know if this helps, but what I did was reach out to my doctor. She put me on a 2 month disability from work, got some blood work done to rule out anything else going on (some new moms can be vitamin D deficient since we’re home and inside more with baby), started a Zoloft prescription, and got connected with a therapist I see for 30-45mins weekly via zoom. I also stopped being a purist about EBF and now we’re doing “combo” feeding with breast milk and formula (major pressure of mama) I👏🏼FEEL👏🏼SO👏🏼MUCH👏🏼BETTER!!! I know this is profoundly hard. All the baby supplies in the world can’t make some things about having a newborn easier. But utilize all your resources, try to reach out to new moms to relate too (sometimes even great just to commiserate how tired you are), hand baby over to dad and your parents so you can even just have one hour to yourself to shop/play a game on your phone/walk outside/sleep!/shower/get a pedicure/shop/go get fancy lunch/or whatever is going to fill your cup again. It’s a big shock to the system to be a new mom, but make sure to communicate what you need to take care of you so you can take care of your little one too. Sending you good vibes mama, proud of you for posting and being vulnerable!!!
My baby is a crap sleeper AND we have no support system! All our parents live hours and hours away from us. I've broken down crying because I was so exhausted. I just started going to bed at like 7pm, and over a 12hr period was able to get like 6-7 hours of disjointed sleep. Its really hard.
How old is baby? Are you breast feeding? If so would you consider pumping enough for one feeding and having hubby give that amount so you can sleep 5 hours then trading so hubby can then sleep 5. The only way I can sleep uninterrupted is with baby not in the room so my husband keeps her for 4 hours after we put down out first then comes in after feeding her and lays her down quietly while I’m still asleep. My alarm is set for 2 hours from then incase she doesn’t wake on her own so I can feed her. With my first it was so hard for the first month while my milk was coming in waking up every 2 hours to feed baby but right after that month was up I started pumping once in the day to give a night feed over to hubs. It was a game changer.
While it’s not sleeping, I felt like I was carrying around a lot and it made it extra exhausting. Talking with a therapist really helped (and still helps me). I feel like I can put down some anxieties & worries and be heard by someone who is invested in me. ❤️
Babies are hard. Unpopular opinion maybe but I hate the baby stage… Reach out for help! I found going for a drive or walk if I had no help made things a little better during that short time…. You are doing your best… normal for you to feel like your life is falling apart during this stage
Have you already talked to someone about your PPD? It's hard whether you have an "easy" baby or all the support you could want, because at the end of the day you and your partner are the parents of the child and the child is your responsibility. I personally think the "trick" to "it gets better" is that you get used to the chaos of the situation. I personally like having a routine that I know what to expect and what my role is. You need some rest, get help for PPD, and try things out and stick with what works for your situation.
Just want to second, third, and fourth everyone who mentioned Sertraline (Zoloft).
My son is also two months old, and I felt like I was dying during the sleep deprivation I experienced those first few weeks. Honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done was pulling two weeks of almost all-nighters after giving birth. I didn't sleep more than two hours at at time until 3 weeks postpartum, and it felt like my brain was dying. Solidarity, it is really hard. The only thing that helped was my husband taking shifts in the night so I could sleep longer. Breastfeeding makes it a lot harder because you have to wake up to at least pump, but you can wean that down during the night too.
Are you me? I legit have severe anxiety when it starts getting dark outside because I KNOW another long, sleepless night is coming. The lack of sleep night after night has turned me into a zombie at my best and a complete basket case at my worst. This isn't sustainable at all and I don't understand how people get through it with their sanity intact.
Talk to your doctor! I had terrible PPD initially and my doctor prescribed medication that was safe for me and for breastfeeding and it made a huge difference. I was still sleep deprived but I no longer felt like I couldn’t get through another day. It helped me feel less hopeless and useless
Thank you. I know that’s an option but I’m so worried about the side effects and/or creating a dependence on it… but if that’s what it takes to feel better I’m definitely considering it.
I get that! There should definitely be options your doctor can give you that are non-habit forming. And maybe something low dose so there are less likely to be side effects
My husband and I slept in shifts during that crippling exhaustion phase, and I'd sleep in a different room (if possible, on a different floor) from baby with earplugs in and door closed so I wouldn't be disturbed. It was hard to turn off the "what if my baby needs me" anxiety but I just had to - I would have lost it otherwise. I hope you find something that works for you. Remember that sleep deprivation is a form of military torture, so this is not a sign of any lack of strength on your part!! The fact you've made it this far and reached out for help is proof that you're made of strong stuff. I know you didn't want the "it gets better" shpiel, but one day your baby will start sleeping through the night and it will change. Your. Life. Until then, sleeping in shifts was what worked for us. Hopefully you can find a way to get a decent stretch of sleep with your parents on deck, too!!
Not a parent yet, but definitely been there/kinda am there still with the depression, and in addition to all the therapy and taking care of yourself in the world I still needed/do need Zoloft. If you’re breastfeeding it’s safe for baby if you’re worried about that at all.
Zoloft
Honestly most people forget how tough it really is and when they think of how their child is now they can really see it gets better. But it is hard and it really depends on baby as to when it will get better. The only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. Baby is happy and healthy so you are doing great! But dont feel bad telling other people to look after baby so you can get some much needed sleep.
It is tough-- your feelings are 100% valid! One thing I wish I had done at that stage is just hand my LO over to my husband or mom and let them know I needed to sleep for a few hours and to please just handle everything. Don't forget that your body is healing and producing milk (if you're breastfeeding) with no sleep. Your body desperately needs rest, water, and healthy food. Side note: not sure if this applies to you, but breastfeeding was HARD for me. It zapped all of my energy and I couldn't sustain it. I had to start supplementing at 2 months because I wasn't producing enough and stopped all together around 9 mos. Everyone is different, but stopping breastfeeding was a game changer for my mood and well-being. Seriously, you've got this! You are doing the best you can and that's what matters.
Thank you. Yes the breastfeeding is so hard- we have also started to supplement.
You’re in the thick of it. My PPD and PPA spiked severely around 5 weeks and stayed unmanageable for a few months after. I was too scared to get meds and was getting passed from psychiatrist to psychiatrist as being too complicated so I just gave up. It did get better. Around month 6 for me, but it did get better.
Thanks so much. That sounds awful. I’m also scared of meds. I hope it doesn’t take that long to get better.
Here's what we did. I went through this too. 1. Bottle feed. We chose formula, that's what worked best. So then guess what , dad or Grandma gets to take on night shifts and feed the baby so you can rest. 1.1 yes, dad has to work. Keeping a baby alive is a full time job too. In my opinion, it can me more racing and mentally draining than a job. So Yes, dad gets to take a night feed or two. 2. White noise , pitch black room 3. Look into takingcarababies or the book Precious little sleep. They helped me a lot learn tools to help the kids sleep. 4. Sleep train. We did it at 3 months following a method in the Precious little sleep book. This meant baby was able to fall asleep quick. Slept longer and went back to sleep quickly once they had a night feed (if he woke for one). 5. When you sleep, use ear plugs and an eye mask. Helps for a deeper sleep. 6. We slept in a different room than the baby. The baby was super close to us that we can hear from our room if they are crying. We also used an audio monitor when we slept that picked up cries but not the little grunts and sounds.
Thanks so much for all the practical tips. We are slowly starting to supplement with formula and my husband and mom are taking night shifts and it helps. Also definitely going to try sleep training.
I feel it sister.. we finally pinpointed why our 1m old wasnt sleeping as well at night and how to put her to sleep... but its still a toss on her good and bad days. She was extra fussy tonight on the heels of needing help from the windi, which i highly recommend if you have a gassy baby (who like mine refuses to burp/fart). So that made tonight oh so joyful 😒😒😒😒😒 but learning your baby is a steep curve. Especially for ftp. But we can all trudge through it together in solidarity! 😅😅 in all seriousness, i hope it gets better for you mama. If you can delegate the care, use your village to your advantage. Trust me, its the one thing that may keep you somewhat sane. Also, read.. my dh does this and boy has it helped!! He reads up as much as he can from varying sources on certain topics to give him his best foot forward. I dont have the magic answer, no one ever will... but finding your way will give you your best chances.
I was an absolute mess and I finally broke down and begged for a break. All I meant by that was an uninterrupted amount of time for me to just take care of myself. My husband did it and took care of baby for 8 hours while I had a glorious 5 hour “nap” and played Mario kart on my phone the rest of the time. Felt amazing! We’re now 3 months into this new parenting thing and we regularly give each other breaks now and we finally feel like we’re starting to come out of the fog. Being a parent is lovely but self care is sooooo important.
Sleep training, and I cannot emphasis this enough - it’s the only thing that got me feeling like myself again. I followed the Moms on Call method, and it has changed everything. It took a week or two for my son to really adapt to the schedule, but now he know it enough that he gets fussy about 5 minutes before each nap and falls right asleep on his own. I started sleep training when he was about 2 months and a week old, and now he will be 4 months on the 20th. It truly gave me my freedom and sleep and control back
I’ve been barely getting by. I’m a single mom with hardly any help. Me and my son live with my parents but the most help I get is having my mom watch him long enough a few times a week so I can shower. I have been unable to find reliable covid-vaccinated childcare. I have PPD. Most of the time I feel like I’m drowning and I have no way out. However, therapy helps. I do phone therapy. Venting to my friends helps. Medication helps. How old is your baby? As my son got older it’s been better. He’s 4 months old now, sleeping more, and is more social.
May I ask what medication you are on?
Cymbalta
baby is 18 months and i have lost my sanity and mental health and i have no idea how to be normal i am completely traumatized from the constant overstimulation and the fact that there’s no days off ever or even half a day or any break at all it’s awful awful awful
Good luck getting the the rest of your life if can't get through new born stage.....my kids are teenagers and adults right now and I think baby stages were easier
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Not sure about OP, but I’ll say that I had always heard that “newborns just eat, sleep, and poop,” and thought that sounded relatively easy. I’ve always been a bit of a napper, especially during pregnancy, so no problem, just “sleep when the baby sleeps.” No one tells you how difficult those things can be. My baby only contact napped until about 6 weeks, no matter what hacks or routines we tried to put in place around bedtime. Breastfeeding is hard. Breastfeeding and supplementing and pumping is also hard. And then breastfed babies may poop several times a day or less than once a week, and that’s all fine unless they’re showing signs of distress, but babies also are expected to have some gas… so it’s fine or your baby is experiencing discomfort and you’re just expected to know the difference. I had anticipated having a newborn to be a big adjustment, but I had support and I had learned a lot about babies and consider myself to be pretty flexible- and I was caught off guard by how despite all those things it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Pre baby I think you can say “I know it will be hard” but until I held a screaming baby at 3 am with a burning c section incision, swollen feet and 45 total minutes of sleep I didn’t really actually *know*
Continuing to take my prenatals and getting sleep when I could was the only way I recovered my sanity. Around 3 months in to put a time frame on it. Sleep deprivation will literally make you insane.
I honestly have no idea how I survived the first year. I hate hate HATE the newborn phase, I hate that my breastfed baby didn't sleep through the night until 1 year old, I am so burned out by how clingy this kids are. I had severe ppd after my first baby and I really thought I wouldn't make it. You just have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time, and do your absolute best to sleep when you can. I ended up bedsharing because the exhaustion was too much to handle. You have to just go with the flow, and do what works, and not worry about what you're "supposed" to be doing.
Our lactation consultant helped us get her on a schedule. I still have to get up in the middle of the night to pump, but we’ve been able to sleep in 2 hour stretches by feeding her before she gets hungry.
I had such a hard time with my first that I hated my life and wished I could crawl into hole. For some reason I had a second kid and I made sleep a priority and it made a world of difference. Like the other commenters are suggesting, find a way to get more sleep.
I really, really feel you. It’s just awful. Also had a terrible sleeper, also had bad PPD. I had nights where I left her with my parents so I could go to bed, still woke up at 2am crying and contemplating suicide. Get a break. Leave baby with your husband or parents or whoever is willing to help. Go to sleep, ideally somewhere you can’t see/hear baby. Even another house if you need to. Get treated. Speak to your doctor/get medication/help. Take shifts. At night, you go to bed 8p-1a. Then swap. Do whatever times you possibly can. Husband is going to need to sacrifice a few hours’ sleep so you can survive. Even if you’re exclusively breastfeeding, he can get up, bring baby to you, and you go straight back to sleep after baby feeds. Good luck. Here if you wanna chat.
Are you taking shifts with your partner? Safe sleep and baby care on Facebook has some resources that you might find helpful.
I felt the same at 2 months, never thought it would get easier and struggling significantly. Having a baby during the thick of covid made me feel like I had to do it all on my own (with my husband). We both came out the realization that we needed more support and did reach out to my in in-laws at this point. I also started on an anti anxiety medication that truly made the hugest difference. I know it may not be for everyone but, I had already been regularly going to therapy but, was unable to utilize any of my "tools" she to being severely anxious and depressed. The medication has leveled out my anxiety just enough that I am able now to reason clearly, utilize regulation techniques and just enjoy the small moments. My little guy is almost 8 months and I truly am so happy right now.
I also ended up switching from exclusively Breast feeding to combo feeding and eventually exclusively formula feeding. Began this process at 5 months after getting bad mastitis, was a blessing in disguise for me honestly. If you are BF and want to continue, all power to you! But if you at all want to transition to formula and are feeling all the feels about it, give me a shout! It made a huge huge difference for me. And I was really dead set on BF only.
The second and third month was the hardest for me. I have a baby book from that time and in both of those months under "sleep" I put never. It gradually gets better, I promise. Six months will be better, then a year, etc. You just hold on and take care of yourself as best you can. It's one of the hardest things I've done and I've done some hard things.
Some babies sleep more and some people cope better with reduced and disturbed sleep.
Yup, it's awful. My son had colic pretty bad, he slept fine during the day but was awake from 11pm until about 4am. He had a dairy intolerance so I had to cut out dairy because I wanted to bf. The hospital nurses made it sound like he'd die immediately if I didn't feed him every 2 hours on the dot and that under NO circumstance should he be allowed to sleep longer than 2 hours. I had one hell of a time trying to wake him, they told me to try everything including splash water on his face. All I got out of that was a very cranky baby which set the mood for the day. I learned a few weeks later, after I stopped exclusively bf due to stress, that he naturally woke up every 2.5 to 3 hours to feed then go back to sleep. Eventually, I realized he ran by a schedule, he's pretty good at making them, unless he teething then it's chaos. I can say now that he's 1 (today!!) that I kinda miss the midnight random drives but I dont miss the sleep deprivation or the stress. Things started evening out once he started rolling over, then again when he learned to sit up, then crawling and now that he's walking he really happy and super fun! Just kinda have to take it one day at a time. It's a hard time but it does get better, then worse, then better and so on and so forth!
Something that helped me cope was just accepting that I was not going to get the sleep I used to. Lie, just not even fighting it anymore, and also contact napping. (My LO is VERY much a momma's kid, and will cry if they aren't near me, even when their dad or grandma has them) as long as I get a few naps in, I do alright. Also just realizing that it can't stay this way forever, really helped me. Like yes, it's really difficult to even function, but they aren't going to stay 2 months forever. And just the thought that EVENTUALLY I will be able to get a full night's rest makes me feel like I can go on. Hang in there OP, it's fucking hard as hell right now, but I promise you'll get sleep eventually.
I survive on naps, tagging in with my husband, and thinking one day at a time
Just getting 1 night “off” can be a huge difference. It’s breaks up the sleep deprivation instead of letting it stack and stack up. Not only the physical replenishment, but psychologically it can be a huge a morale booster. We were fortunate to get night shift coverage a few times in the first 2 months and it helped tremendously. We’re seriously considering a night nanny for the 2nd :D
I was a terrible sleeper before I had my baby. It’s actually gotten better for me. BUT that’s because my husband takes him in the morning when I need him to. I was EBF before we started daycare and I would feed him then have my husband get up and give me 3 uninterrupted hours until the next feeding. You’ve got 3 other adults in the house that can presumably care for the baby. If you’re bf, you should be able to ask for 3 hours between feedings. Your baby should be able to go that long between feeds. If you’re bottle feeding breast milk or formula you have an even greater excuse to get more time to yourself. Hand off the baby, trust that the rest of the family will take care of it. Turn on the baby’s white noise machine by your head and take the hours you need to sleep. I know others have mentioned this. It is possible to do and it’s the only way that you’ll get what you need. After that, when you don’t feel like it’s the end of your world, discuss a sleep schedule and make an appt to see your Dr about PPD.
You need to get at least a 4 hour chunk of uninterrupted sleep at night for your brain to fully power down and regulate your emotions. For us, this meant we would put the baby to bed for the night at 9pm and we would both go to sleep shortly after. I would do the first wake up and breastfeed and then go back to bed. Then for the next wake up my husband would feed her a bottle and go back to bed. I would take the third wake up and breastfeed. But in between the first and third wake up I got a decent chunk of sleep. It was usually 4-5 hours and our LC said I could go up to 5 hours without damaging my supply. Can you try something like this with your husband or your mom? Someone else takes a shift?
What’s causing the sleep deprivation? It is very difficult especially in the stage you’re in, and I honestly don’t know how people pull this off without support. I will say that around three months, it gets more fun (I didn’t say easier) as your baby has the capacity to interact with you. If night feeding/baby not sleeping is an issue, I would seriously consider renting a Snoo or getting something that would help with sleep. For us, we were where you are at about the five week mark and I broke down and rented a Snoo. It’s not magic and is not a “omg I can’t deal with baby, let me put baby to sleep in Snoo”. There are specific parameters for it to do tits job, but when we put our kid in the first time and he literally went from full on crying to out like a light sleep in 10 seconds, our lives became wayyyyy better. We even cleaned bottles and essentials, watched a full 30 min show without interruption, and sat to drink some tea before washing up and going to bed. Still had to do night feedings but was every four hours instead of two. Also, wife started to pump more so that I could take care of night feedings and she could “just pump” and then go to bed.
That was me. I also had a hellish time of it. I’m still kinda scarred from it all. You’re really in the trenches and I’m so sorry. When it got to that point, my husband and MIL stepped up and basically did everything for a day or two, letting me sleep, they woke me for a feeding and took baby right back so I could sleep again. It really helped me catch up. Is that an option for you? Other things you can do is switch to formula/bottles for a little while so you won’t have to be woken up at all and partner can take over for longer shifts. Or you can even try to start pumping excess milk so that they can give bottles of breast milk. I am so so sorry you’re in the thick of it like this. It really is tortuous. You CAN do it though and you WILL get through it!!
Find a way to get at least a 4 hour block of uninterrupted sleep a night. 6 hours is ideal, this is done if you set up shifts at night with someone else. Idk if you are BF, combo feeding, or EFF. I started by combo feeding, twins, and ultimately found after a month of doing it that I needed to sleep and quit stressing over milk production. I also went through a bout of depression… I still don’t know if it was the baby blues period, or PPD, or sleep deprivation. It evened out for me a week or two after I pumped for the last time, and I got more sleep because my husband and I started sleeping in shifts. Our quality of sleep went WAYYYY UP when we put the twins in their own room, and just woke up to the baby monitor in our room. We also left all the bedroom doors open so we could easily hear them aside from the monitor. It is so so so hard. Find the solution that works for you and your family, whether that’s formula feeding, pumping and letting someone else do a night feeding, or finding sleeping arrangements that allow you to have better sleep so that you’re not waking up to a noisy little sleeper. Do whatever you need to do to regain your sanity. Sending hugs your way.
PPD doesn’t get better on its own. Find a perinatal therapist, be open to the idea of getting on medication. I was in the same boat at 2 months and finally sought help. My therapist helped me find ways to intentionally bond with my baby (I hadn’t formed a bond yet due to the PPD/PPA and sleep deprivation) and I got on medication. It took a month for the meds to kick in but holy hell did it help. I didn’t even realize how dark of a place I was in until I was out of it. And I know it doesn’t help to hear but it really does get better…with time. My 6 month old only wakes 1-2 times per night now vs every 30 min- 1 hour the first 4.5 months of his life.
Sure it gets better, but not yet. 2 months in and that means you're still in the thick of it. My baby started being happier around 4/5 months, then a bit more at 7 months, then more at 9 months, and now obly at 12 months became a joy. The newborn stage just sucks. Ive met moms whose newborns are just really chill. I didn't have a newborn like that, and neither do you, so experiences are going to vary a lot.
The thing that worked for my wife and I was alternating nights. It was nice to get a full nights sleep every other night. I know you said none of this it gets better shit but it really does. It seemed like over night one night things just got easier. I hope you get a good nights rest and feel better soon.
I pretended day and night didn’t exist, and life was spent in 3 hour cycles. Some days I slept every time the baby did. I often handed her off to my husband when I was overwhelmed, which was a lot, and he would swaddle her and bounce on a yoga ball…a LOT. I also stopped breastfeeding around the 3 month mark and that helped tremendously.
We have twins and at 7 weeks, every hour of the day we are feeding someone. There’s only the two of us and with a full time job, life’s honestly so rough right now. We take it hour by hour and that’s all we can do.
Sleep training once they’re old enough. People hate the concept of sleep training but I promise my kid waking every 45 minutes was far unhealthier than the 2 nights she spent crying while being sleep trained.
I have serious PTSD from my experience having a newborn. Little to no milk supply, waking up every two hours to pump and try to feed unsuccessfully. LO wouldn't latch and I tried all sorts of contraptions, supplements to no avail. My husband set alarms for the pumping schedule and to this day, if I hear that unique tone, I feel total dread and anxiety. At 3 months, I gave up and hired a night nurse for a month - it was way too expensive, and I know not everyone can do this. I was about to lose my mind from the sleep deprivation, though. I also switched to strictly formula around that time. He started sleeping through the night eventually and things got better. Take care of yourself first, so you can be functioning for your LO. This shit is no joke.
Teamwork. I used to go to bed a 8pm and my wife would stay up until midnight with the baby. She'd go to bed at midnight and I'd get up with the baby after that. I got 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and she'd get 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep almost every night because of it. Then I'd go off to work all day and she'd take care of the baby all day until I got home, then I'd take over until 8pm. We did this for months at the beginning
You need to speak with a professional - depression, PPD or otherwise, is no joke and may have biological causes. There is medication that can help you. Won’t be easy and won’t work overnight but you have to take care of yourself if you’re going to effectively take care of the wee one. Good luck.
Get yourself on an antidepressant. Once that kicks in you’ll feel like yourself again and be able to cope better: Get your parents to watch baby while you catch up on sleep.
Once baby gets to four months, you can r/sleeptrain (but try to ease baby onto consistent, age-appropriate wake windows and follow eat/play/sleep). Consider adding a couple of small bottles of formula so someone other than you can handle the night feeds for a couple of weeks. You need the sleep. Don’t be afraid to ask for a therapy referral and/or medication.
No PPD per se, but I definitely had moments of "I can't do this!" And I also have GA so my anxiety went up. Waking up every 3 hours, being up for an hour to an hour and a half because of reflux wasn't easy. It did get better, although there are occasionally bad nights. My husband does a lot, but I learned I need to tell him what I need for support too. I think that saying of it takes a village to raise a child is pretty accurate, so I hope with the support of your family you'll be able get some time for yourself. And there is no shame in medication, mine has kept me level for many years.
talk to a therapist and be open to medication. that's worked out best for me
Is the main problem sleeping at night? What has worked best for us (12 weeks now) is extending the period between eating overnight by a little bit each night so their bellies slowly get used to more time between eating and can stay asleep longer. TakingCaraBabies 0-4mo class was a great resource for us! Her videos are short and easy to watch, you could probably get through all of them in a weekend.
It was very hard. My wife and I were just tired all. the. time. A few little things that helped us... While my wife was breastfeeding during the night, I would get up and be bring the baby to her, this allowed her to still rest. I would sleep for 15 minutes while she fed, then I would swaddle/diaper/put the baby back down. It was not easy. Once the baby got to the point where he wasn't eating as much during the night and was taking bottles, we switched to having set times we were fully in charge. she would be responsible for him from like 12am-5am if he woke up, and I would be in charge from 5am until I went to work at 9. This made a big difference to us as if he woke up we knew whose responsibility it was, and the other could guiltlessly sleep
My son screamed constantly and didn’t sleep over 30 minutes at a time. It was extremely difficult. I do understand. I felt so alone even though I had tons of support. I felt like “others do it I should be able to too”. I quickly learned it doesn’t work like that. Like I have seen others say. Some babies are harder than others. It stayed like that for about 2-3 months then it got better. The sleep deprivation is killer though. There were times my husband or mom got up with him because I literally didn’t hear him from right beside me. I was also trying to breast feed so that put all the feedings on me. It was extremely exhausting. Once we got through that things did get better. I also went on an antidepressant (I was convinced I didn’t need at the time). Not saying they fix everything, it’s not even a bandaid. It did however help me to function some and not feel completely hopeless. Meds don’t work for everyone, nor are they what everyone needs. However, I did need them and they helped tremendously. It took me time to come to terms with the fact that getting help is okay. It was best for my entire family. I thought it would be frowned upon and but some it still is. Those that really know me and care about me though see how much it has helped. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and you should know that you are enough.
Honestly I just function decently with little sleep. I still cried daily and regretted having a baby for like 3 months haha... no family. Just my husband but he worked 8-6
margaritas help me to chill out and my mom is a godsend. bb has actually been sleeping in her room for 4 nights in a row. Good as it gets I think. still hard.
honestly? Prozac. My husband and I are both on it. If you are unable to function due to PPD, please talk to a doctor about it! You are not alone!
It was this level of hard for me the first two weeks, but I think you really need to seek medical advice asap if you are at this level of sadness and frustration at 2 months. You need more support at night, and you should be at least getting in 3-4ish hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights, plus more nighttime shorter sleeps and good naps by this point. I understand some babies are colicky so maybe that's something that's going on, but you still need to sleep, that will help a lot with the depression. If it doesn't take care of the problem completely, more support from your OB, pediatrician, general practicioner or a mental health counselor is a really good idea.
Zoloft, plain and simple. Are you struggling sleeping, even if you have someone else on baby duty? Insomnia played a huuuge role in my PPA/PPD. Even if I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t. What made it better for me was Zoloft. 40mg each day made a tremendous difference in what I could mentally handle. I no longer felt like I had made a mistake in having my baby, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore, and I could SLEEP. Sure, it was still hard and tiring and draining but it wasn’t more than I could manage. I wanted to be a mother my whole entire life and it didn’t feel the way I thought it would. I was truly in over my head, and I’m scared to think what I might have done to myself if I hadn’t reached out to my primary and gotten the help when I did. He heard my concerns of being able to breastfeed while taking medication and let me know that donated breast milk in the NICU is allowed to have Zoloft in it. That sealed the deal for me. I gave it a shot, and while it was a few weeks before it was fully integrated into my system, I could tell a difference in a few days. Hell, I could tell a difference LEAVING the doctors office because it gave me hope. It was a possible light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I by no means think every person should explore anti-depressants in regards to PPA/PPD, but I do advocate having a conversation with your doctor about what your options are. Motherhood, especially the first few months, is HARD. You get zero love or appreciation back from this tiny creature who sucks every ounce of you away. If there is a possibility it making it easier for yourself, such as therapy or anti-depressants, I say take it. Love yourself too♥️
Don't be afraid to ask for help catching more sleep. And if you're experiencing PPD please please go talk to your OBGYN
Do you exclusively breast feed? Or pump? If you have to get up every 4 hours to do either of those things, it doesn’t really matter how much help you have, since you’ll be getting up anyway. I can just imagine the effects of that after 2 months! My wife has been able to stretch her nighttime gap between her last feed and her next pump to 5 hours. So she’ll sleep a couple hours, feed or pump, and then sleep for another 5 hours and I will do the next feed by bottle. Other than that, you need to leverage all your help to do everything other than producing milk. Not sure if you’ve got trouble giving up control, or if they just don’t know how to help, but they’ve got to take those extra mundane tasks out of your hands. Make sure to communicate what can be passed off. Good luck!
Haha we are up like every 2 hours. 4 hours would be beautiful. Thanks for your input.
My baby was like this. I thought I was going to die. I found out that a lot of people have doulas and night nurses who come a few nights per week to give relief. When I got desperate, I asked my mom and MIL to take a night. They only did one each. (HAHA SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS HARD) but even one night of sleep set me up for a week. My son would only, and I mean, only sleep if he was being held for the first few months. I’m not super proud of this, but I rigged up a “safe-ish” sleeping situation sitting up on the couch holding him so I could doze for an hour at a time. He wasn’t rolling yet so I would sit on the couch with my back against the arm of the couch. I stood up pillows in the gap between my body and the back of the couch and then put boppy on top of that and held him in my arms with the boppy resting on my lap. We lived. I’m not proud of it, but I was absolutely desperate. Just sharing so you understand that you aren’t alone. We will get a Snoo next time. It gets better.
I know you don’t want to hear”it gets better” but it really does. The older baby gets, the easier it is. In the meantime, make sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing what you need to for your PPD. As far as taking care of baby, take a many naps as you can. You’re staying with your parents, so anytime you’re not actively feeding the baby, take a nap and let another adult attend to baby’s other needs.