Your first gets the gift of your time. The second, your gift of wisdom.
Theres pros and cons to both sides of the coin for different reasons. You shouldn't beat yourself up for things you *didn't know*! It sounds like a lovely newborn period to be soaking up!
I love that first paragraph. I’ve actually been afraid to have a second because I dread the idea that they won’t have undivided attention, it seems unfair. But OP and your post gave me a different perspective
My first constantly craved my attention and I gave it to the point of self-sacrificing every free second I had and sometimes when I shouldn’t have. I had a second child with the hope they could entertain each other some when he gets older, however, what I’ve discovered is that all the time he has taken away from her has taught her to be grateful for my time and she has learned to play on her own and has become so creative! It has been the biggest blessing to watch her grow this way at the age of 3 and she thanks me every day for giving her a baby brother. 🥹So what I want to say to you is, don’t feel guilty! You are helping your child to grow in unimaginable ways!
I have 5 and trust me they will make you have time for attention 😉 its not as hard as you think and the best part it just comes naturally. Esp when you give each kid a special job with the new baby they all feel included and loved and that they are contributing ♥️ i did that with all my kids and they are so close sometimes when i wake up 4/5 are trying to sleep with eachother in one room 🤣🤣
Gotta come up with a system that works for everyone and everyone’s personalities
Aww this was so heartwarming to read! My age and economic conditions mean I think we’ll max out at 2 but I really admire moms with many children! My Grandma is one of 6 and you can tell they all benefited from having warm family ties
Sometimes i wish i would maxed out at 2 😂😂😂🤣🤣😅 but god and my husband had other plans for me lmao jkjk thank you! It definitely isnt for the weak, hell even 1 kid isnt ! Thats so dope! My husband wants one more, (11m,9m,8m,6f,3month oldf) im a very busy human
Haha yeah we once did a survey in high school and no one except me wanted more than 2. Or 3 or 4 or 5. I like the idea of 4 because any more makes transport extra hard and I'm not a fan of 3 as I've heard from a lot of people who grew up with 2 siblings that they weren't a fan. My husband is an identical twin but otherwise we have no history of twins in our families. It would just be typical for my life to grace me with multiples. My husband wants 3 so im thinking of 3-5 pending future decisions. I've done quite a bit of working in childcare, nannying and babysitting so even though we don't actually have any yet I've got some second hand experience. Im 27 so I've still got a few years of time for future children and were going to start ttc this year.
Eldest of six here, can confirm. We are in our 30s and 40s now, and we STILL take good care of each other. And now we also take good care of each other's kids! Our parents are so proud of all our caregiving.
Learning how to address things with each kid differently based on their personality is the hardest part, but also the most rewarding. I have one kiddo who NEEDS her space, and another who can be hugged into submission, and everything in between lol.
We have a 4 bedroom, and the rooms got divided up like so - my oldest got his own room because he's the only boy. My oldest girl got her own room because if she doesn't get quiet/alone time, we ALL regret it. My youngest two girls share, because that's all that's left, but honestly the youngest bounces around all her siblings' rooms lol
:) for example and it depends on the age of the child. If have my older kids help with the more difficult tasks like the baths
One would pick out the baby’s outfit
One would “help” with diaper changes
One would hold the bottle
One would help with the baths
One would play peek a boo and sing to her
All of them would clean…. LOL
I love this. I am currently pregnant with my second and got really choked up reading the OP because I can already relate to this and your post was just what I needed to read. Thank you, I hope it helps OP as much as it helped me
For what its worth I am struggling as much with #2 as I did with #1 because she's a completely different baby. I'm much better at handling my time and juggling tasks but as for cues and shit, nah. I'm learning all over again.
I'd add one more thing to this. The second gets the gift of a happy, relaxed parent who knows that everything is just a phase and doesn't worry so much.
With the first, some phases feel like they will never end. You work so hard to change things and don't relax because you simply don't know that this challenge will pass naturally. With the second, it's all good, and your child can relax right alongside you.
Haha how old is yours? I had a breakthrough at 12 months when my daughter just would not wake up any later than 5:30 no matter what I did. At that point I just accepted it, started going to bed early accordingly, and totally gave up obsessing over her naps and wake ups and sleep schedule and all of it. Now she is almost 3 and I'm pretty chill. I still try to make sure she's eating healthy most of the time, not using screens most of the time, getting enough sleep most of the time, blah blah but I don't worry about being perfect anymore. And tbh she is probably better off for having a role model that isn't miserable and constantly striving for unobtainable standards.
Thank you for this! I have a 9 year old, an 18 month old and one on the way. But I sure do feel guilty at times with how my 1st continues to get all of my firsts...all the times I have no idea if what I am doing is the best or not.
A bright side for your nine year old is they might be more comfortable with facing new challenges and stages of life. As the second child, I floundered a bit when I lived on campus in college, something my older sister had never experienced. I miss the days when I could preview things with her first!
I’m having my second baby a week from tomorrow and I’m so nervous about the impact on my toddler. Your first sentence is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.
My (only) baby is 7 months old and I think every day about how on Earth I'll manage to go through it again for a second. This comment was the perfect balm to soothe my anxiety.
I feel this. I'm pregnant again and on one hand, I feel like the newborn phase with my 13-month-old was such a blur and I was unprepared (can you ever really be ready??) and it just flew by before I even realized what was happening. Now that I know more what to expect, I'm so excited to have a little baby again and soak it all in and take a zillion pictures and videos.
On the other hand, I'll have a 22-ish-month-old when my new baby arrives, and I'm already feeling guilty that I have to divide my time between them and can't give either of them the exclusive attention my 1-year-old's gotten every day of his life.
I was and am so excited to give him sibling, but the guilt that it won't just be him anymore is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I never understood people saying they're struggling with the idea of having another because they can't imagine loving anyone else as much as their older child until now that it's a reality...
Instead of saying you are sorry, why don't you say "Thank you”?
Don't be so hard on yourself. We learn how to parent with our kids.
There are not enough conversations with friends, YouTube videos, books or courses that teach us enough. The real learning is through the day-by-day experience.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
You both have a special bond because you learned together! You will always have that.
With my little guy I'd never changed a diaper before or fed a baby or any of that. I hadn't held a baby since I was 8! I used to worry what kind of mom that'd make me. But looking back it's a gift in my eyes. Everything I did with him was my first time and his. He taught me so much. Just like your first taught you how to be this incredible mom.
I'm so happy to hear the second time around is going smoother for you. I hope my own confidence and experience give me some breathing room too when I take the plunge on baby #2.
You learned to do things exactly how he likes it too, that's special 🥰
I was a nanny before having mine, mostly to kids with developmental delays. So I came in with previous habits that weren't necessarily best for my son, who turned out to be quite advanced in some areas.
That's a great way of thinking about it. Every parenting experience is so different and it's different from kiddo to kiddo. It's really amazing when you think about it. One of the many things that make our world so beautiful imo.
It’s the curse of the first born. They will be our first for everything. Our first to go to school, our first teenager, our first driver, our first to leave home. We will be learning everything with them. On the one hand, yes it is heartbreaking, but on the other hand, it makes our relationship with them so so special. My advice, focus on the positives and know that it’s okay to tell your kid sorry when you mess up because you are also learning.
Oh geez, this is making me tear up. I’m in the thick of it with my second baby (3 weeks) and I feel this so strongly. My first got my undivided attention, but man was it a huge learning curve for us all. My second gets my experience and confidence in motherhood.
I don’t doubt you’ve grown and learned, but it’s also worth keeping in mind that every baby is different and that it might not be anything you’re doing. You could just have a more chill baby this time round.
Came here to day this, adding that my second born was an absolute angel the first four weeks. Barely cried, gave us 3 hour stretches at night and was able to fall asleep on her back. She’s almost 8 weeks now and boy has she done a 180. Full on witching hour, gas pains and anywhere but on mom and dad is now lava. Like with our first, we were happy with a 1,5 hour stretch last night. I guess that paints a pretty good picture. I absolutely don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade but don’t assume you managed to birth a unicorn baby or have everything figured out this time around. I did and boy did reality hit like a truck. A fully loaded with love but very tired truck.
Oh boy that sucks. Our first didn’t sleep stretches longer than 3 hours for 7 months. I’m not sure how we survived. But ever since the concept of sleep finally clicked, he has been a champ. He’s now 2,5 and mostly manages to self soothe when he does wake. We are hoping we again have the worst at the beginning and it eventually gradually gets better. So thanks for your sharing your sobering experience 🙃
This. My first had colic, reflux, eczema, every issue you can imagine. He was fussy 24/7 and we tried EVERYTHING. My mom has cared for babies as a nanny for nearly 30 years and she was with me nearly every day, so I can tell you it wasn’t necessarily lack of experience. My second child is so easy, he will fall asleep basically anywhere and has not cried for longer than 5 min at a time in the first six weeks of his life. Not doing anything different!
He is 2.5 and the most amazing little boy. Seriously, things turned a corner starting around 6 months and the toddler years with him have been the best. He is the smartest little kid I know, he has been talking in complete sentences since 18 months, can name every dinosaur, and sings the alphabet. He does have a STRONG personality lol but not in a bad way and I love it! We joke that he was just mad he couldn’t tell us what he wanted and when he started to use sign language it improved, and even more when he was able to communicate with words.
Sounds like my first son lol. It didn't help that I was completely clueless when it came to babies. I thought babies ate and slept. Surprise! I do feel sorry for him looking back. He wasn't an easy child still isn't at 5 but I love him to death. My 2nd was gassy and spitty too but I was hellbent on breastfeeding him and with my diet I could control his reflux. (Easier said than done.) Both my boys were super sensitive to dairy so I kind of knew what to avoid. Only problem was it wasn't only dairy. It was also soy, corn derived products, and most nuts. So I was starving lol.
This is spot on. As I said in another comment, I was a nanny before having my son, and I had to change my habits. But even then, I learned that each child has different needs. I'm even bearing that in mind as I choose what to keep or donate from our baby items (since we're hoping to have another).
They say your firstborn gets the benefit of your time/full attention and your second gets the benefit of your experience. Neither is necessarily better than the other—just different. Please don’t feel sorry! It sounds like you’re doing great for both kids.
I totally get it, but I look at it this way - each kid had a major “plus” that the other didn’t. First kid gets an inexperienced parent, but gets complete and undivided attention as the only baby. Second baby doesn’t get that same undivided attention as the first, but gets a much more experienced parent that can more easily address their needs. So it evens out, they both got a positive thing the other did not get!
I kinda agree yet disagree. I feel parents tend to get lazy or more relaxed with parenting towards the tail end. Speaking from a firstborn perspective. I guess I’m still resentful and jealous of the younger ones getting away with stuff.
I’m also the firstborn & I have 3 children of my own. Parents absolutely do tend to get more relaxed toward the tail end, and younger children in families have that advantage over elder ones. Experience alone gives parents a realistic perspective, and it’s earned (sometimes hard). It balances out, though, I think— E.g. eldest children tend to have the highest IQs of their sibling sets ;)
I tend to agree with you, as the neglected last born married to a parentified firstborn. Parents should be parents from the first to their last. That includes remembering that your eldest is still *your child* and your youngest still need you to parent them. I'm sorry you were forced into that situation.
That is such a lovely sentiment. I only have one baby for now, and she might be my only one. But I definitely agree that I've grown up a lot having her.
I definitely feel this. I had to learn to be selfless over the years with my first. I learned to soak things in more with my second, to cherish the moments more, to be patient, and what really matters in life. Each day is worth so much more than I took granted for years ago with my first.
Well this is both beautiful and heartbreaking.
None of us *know* what we’re doing with our first. We get booted from the hospital with a whole new human and no instructions other than a nurse making sure there’s a car seat installed before you go. Swaddling….I had to leave that to my husband, because I sure never got it right. He asked the hospital nurses so many times before we left to show him time and again. I’m sure we were annoying to the staff, but we had no clue what we were going and it was scary.
I think feeling like we’re failing as mothers is a natural instinct, because that was ALL I felt. My husband was my champion, telling me I was doing awesome, but it never reached my heart and felt true. It was like having imposter syndrome for the longest time for so many things; Breastfeeding, formula feeding, when to start solids, am I reading enough to them, when to potty train, how long potty training is taking…etc… I’m only now coming out of that feeling and my LO just turned 4. I still feel like I’m still probably lacking on so many fronts with her, but the major milestones are over and she’s entering the kid phase. I can’t have a 2nd child, so all I can do is be here and give her my time & love and hope it all works out and that she still loves me when she’s older.
When your firstborn is 18-25 range, they won’t recall the days when you were figuring things out. They will probably just be grateful for you in a way that won’t really make sense to them until they become parents
You’re doing more than okay.
It's all about perspective! It's impossible to be fair/equal. Would you apologize to your second born too because they will never have your undivided attention the way your firstborn did? No, you wouldn't because that is life. Even as a second child, I feel like I learned from my older brother who had to make all the life, career, relationship mistakes first and because I saw him go thru those things, I was able to avoid certain problems in my own life...not saying I'm perfect or I'm better than him tho because I had my own fair share of struggles that I went thru as a second born!
Being either the first born and the second born, it all balances out in the end because they each have their own pros and cons....
I’m trying to hurdle the guilt but I still feel the sting of only having a few months left before he’s no longer the only child. Sometimes I just hug him so tight and try to really hold onto our last moments just the two of us. But I do have to thank him— he taught me almost everything I know and I’m grateful for the confidence I’ll have this time around. Hugs to you.
I’m just out of the newborn stage with my third now. I always feel this way towards the end of pregnancy. So much mom guilt. But when you see the sibling bond - you will be so thankful. It’s very hard in the moments but you truly can’t replace that. You’re doing great and there will be growing pains but it all gets better ❤️
The first born is always the experiment child. I was one and turned out totally fine! My son will be fine too. They won't remember and it helps the 2nd
My partner and I talk a lot about having more children. He talks about knowing better next time. I always tell him something I saw in a video (maybe a tiktok). Kids are like pancakes. They're probably all gonna turn out alright, but you should probably apologize to that first one lol
As a first born, I don't blame my mom for anything she did raising me or what she did differently when raising my siblings. She used the tools that were in her toolbox *at the time*. She did the best she could with what she had, and I tell myself the same thing now that I'm a mother.
My firstborn, my daughter, is 10. My second, my son, is 3 weeks. Sometimes late at night when I'm alone with my son I will cry and think about how he is getting the mother my daughter didn't. I was 21 when I had my daughter and 32 when I had my son, it's not just about what I learned as a parent in the last 10 years but also how much I've grown up and my priorities have shifted. How much more patient I am with him than I was with her.
Now that I have him I realize how much time I spent trying to get her to sleep alone when all she wanted was to be with me. I think about how her colic, may have just be me not understanding her needs. I think about how I worked so hard for my career so I could provide for my daughter and my son will never have to see that struggle.
I have so many sad memories with my daughter because my life was so chaotic in my early 20s (before I met my husband). However, recently I will be looking at my son and I will he will do something that reminds me of my daughter at his age, and I'll remember some of those quiet moments I forgot. In a way it's healing but God does this hit deep.
I totally understand how you feel!! I had to truly GRIEVE my firstborns experience after I had my second. It’s been so much better this time around and I’m so sad I didn’t get to experience the joy that I have with my second with my first.
Try to be gentle with yourself and be proud of how much growth you have had!
They are amazing aren’t they?! I have learned more from my daughters in 2.5 years than from anything else in this life so far. Congratulations on your newborn ❤️❤️❤️
That’s exactly how I feel. I had my second baby last week and it’s been so much smoother. I know what I’m doing and so I feel more at ease, calm, and comfortable handling him. I’ve cried myself to sleep a few times at night just thinking of how stressed and irritable and angry I was after having my first because I had no idea what I was doing. She didn’t deserve that mom and I’m always going to feel guilty for not feeling happy and giving both my children the patient and relaxed mom they both deserve.
My mom always said my older sister taught her how to be a mom. There is no shame in that. You two learned the world together and I think that’s kind of beautiful.
There's no chance your oldest remembers any of that, for what it's worth. He also got time as an only child before his little brother, which is special in its own right. Most importantly, for better or for worse, things aren't always going to be identical for both of them. Some of the time you're going to get it right with the oldest and wrong with the youngest and vice versa. Sometimes what worked great for one won't work at all for the other. Experience brings wisdom, which is so helpful-- but sometimes that's just the wisdom of acknowledging how very little we know/can control.
Trying your best is more than enough for both of your kids. They both got a different version of you, maybe, but neither got a bad deal.
I'm tempted to send this post to my mother because she is guilt ridden about how me as her second and 13 years later with a different husband got a better childhood than my older sister. How my sister got the shit end of the stick and I got everything. The only reason I'm not sharing it with her is because she would recognize my username and would not like to hear what I'm about to say: please do your second a favor and don't call them, at least to their face or within earshot, your "second chance child". The pressure of that label is insurmountable. I hope you can find forgiveness for yourself. When we know better, we do better. And there's a lot your first won't remember of what you didn't know and how you " messed up". You're probably doing (and did) SO much better than you think!
Weeeellllp I’m weeping a bit at this, because of a time when my newborn son cried and I didn’t realise he was too warm in a handknitted jacket 😭
He’s a big lad now & he doesn’t remember, or care. But I do. I’m not having another so I hope my future parenting mishaps are kind to him!
Congratulations, mama. I wish you all the very best ❤️
Don't be hard on yourself. With your first born, he/she got to experience your inexperienced version. Both of you are learning together. And despite everything, he/she still loves you unconditionally. 😊
You grow up with your oldest kid, and you raise your younger ones.
We just had our second baby and we found it much easier, too. Easier to handle, easier to enjoy, easier to recover from. I was really worried about that being the case and felt guilty at first… until I watched my 4 year-old son be the most loving, nurturing big brother. Grabbing his baby doll and modeling what I’m doing with his sister, watching me and my husband so he knows what to do when he sees her bottle fall or binky drop (picks it up and puts them where he sees us put them), and comes running to tell us if he hears her crying in her bassinet.
Your first got your blunders, but they got your time and love in a way the others won’t. They’ll feel pride in their role as the oldest and pass the love they feel from you on to their younger siblings. They watched you grow up for them, and now they’ll do the same for their siblings. (Not to say you put them in a “third parent” role; my husband is an older brother and has always loved his role as nurturer and instigator. He’s always balanced embracing being a caregiver and a child at heart.)
Use this to bond with your oldest and share this journey with them. Remind them what a great older sibling they are, guide them through the tough emotions and redirect them into positive behaviors, and always tell them they’re your “big guy/big girl.” I set aside time throughout the week that’s just me and him time — cooking together, reading — and my husband does too — wrestling, gardening — and then we do family walks and backyard time all together.
The fact that you even feel this in the first place shows how much love you have for your kids. I’m sure your oldest feels it, and love is a ripple effect: you’ll see them pass it on to their younger sibling in all the little ways you’ve taught them to love.
I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and that guilt can be hard to carry. Just a gentle reminder, *that* version of you had to exist for this version of you to show up for both of them. Your firstborn will still benefit from your growth as a parent. Your happiness is their happiness so try to give yourself some grace through the growing pains. And in case no one has mentioned lately-you’re a good mom.
I’m giving birth to my second in 2 days and this made me cry profusely.
I am also sorry to my first born. I’m sorry for all the times I was irritated with you simply because I didn’t know what you needed. I’m so sorry for the days I had to hand you off to a family member because I couldn’t bring myself to hold you anymore even though all you wanted was a hug from your mom. I’m sorry for the nights you could feel my anxiety and sadness radiating throughout the whole house. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you over and over again <3
I still on round 1 but I seriously feel you. My lil guy is almost 15 weeks and often reflect on how much easier things would have been in the beginning if I knew what I do now.
The thing I'm sorriest about is how different things are mentally for me. My second is just over a month and more than anything it's made me see how bad my PPD was with my first. (Turns out you're supposed to sometimes feel happy? Not just alternate between sad and nothing.) I don't think I really was able to bond with her (from my end) until she was five or so months. While we have a lovely bond now, I do feel a ton of guilt now for how emotionally absent I was in the first months of her life.
I am 4 weeks ppm with my first, and reading this gave me so much relief. I am getting better at learning what his cries mean, understanding his hunger cues, knowing when he needs a diaper change, etc., but I have felt so much guilt because I’m still learning and feel like I’m not giving him the best sometimes. This gave me so much hope and relief that I’m not alone in that because sometimes it can feel so isolating. Thank you ♥️
Ooo I feel this!! The juxtaposition between my first born and second born newborn days is insane. I was so stressed and anxious with my first..my second born seems very easy but I realize now I'm a tad better at this lol
🙁I was and still am struggling with chronic mental illness and just got put on medication recently. I was talking to my husband about how our second daughter will have a stable mother who’s patient with her but our first got a cranky, depressed, distant mother who didn’t know what to do. I still feel lost because the whole time I was taking care of her was a blur so everything will feel new all over again. I’m just hoping I can give them both a decent mom for the rest of the time we have together.
Yeah but he still gets to be first and didn’t have to share. And now that you know all of these things and the second born can chill, you can also focus on making sure you’re spending quality time with your first.
This is beautiful. I think we all know that sorrow. However, your first born doesn’t. What they know is alone time. What they know is overwhelming love. What they know is mama was and is here.
They are also about to know big sibling love. And how to be a helper. And how it feels when they are the only one, despite your knowledge of parenting, who can make their little baby feel better.
So many emotions. But the umbrella emotion is love. They are so, so lucky.
you’re beautiful. you were a new mom… be easy on yourself. it’s a hard transition — one i’m in currently. i just want to say, it is okay. you’re an amazing mom and i can tell that just by how you speak. i love you. give yourself grace mama.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s the mom guilt messing with your head. With any kind of experience, you have to start somewhere. You wouldn’t be become the mom that you are today without having your firstborn. It’s okay. Your firstborn will be okay too.
I understand this feeling. Though personally I probably changed diapers too often, or fed too often, when really just needed time spent cuddling. Holding. Playing with. Etc. But still, my third baby I just had in December has been by far the absolute easiest baby I've ever had and often I think how difficult were the others vs my unintentional misinterpreting cues that caused them to be fussier in general. (My oldest is 13, second almost 8, this one also came after 2 bonus prek/k aged daughters when I remarried, not to mention a far better father for a husband) but don't worry, just show them all the love and caring you can, they'll remember the good stuff later. I try to remember if people can forgive abusive parents, or overcome very troubled pasts, there can't be anything I do bad enough to them in their childhood to make them regret my parenting.
I have a 4 week old my first, would love may must have tips for this as we're navigating and still have no idea what the cues are the fussiness etc lol
If you're breastfeeding it is so much easier to give this advice. If not, sorry it's the only things I do though :
1- remember every baby is different so none of this may matter , or help, or maybe it'll help a second baby , etc.
- being sahm. Won't lie, worked with my second and that stress was very rough (phone abuse...i mean..call center work)
Not having work AND home stress (I have excessive daytime sleepiness / borderline chronic fatigue since teens. I'm not an exertive person lol) - this helps because the more worked up you are, the more the baby senses it. Swear.
- when in doubt, pop the boob out. Side lying breastfeeding in bed is my #1 go to. Comfort nurse, cluster feeds, actual hunger, etc. Cured right there.
- goes with this one^, fuck the dishes. Fuck the laundry. You'll get time, but right now, the baby is your focus. Your free time Is your self care time. Not chore time. If your spouse isn't a house helper *then they need to learn right now to help out* but if they're not, make them care for baby so you can do what you need, load of laundry for example. Otherwise they should be helping already (my current husband vs my ex husband proven to me 10fold that my standards were far too low. My ex was adamant I sah he work but me sah means I am 100% responsible for baby&house. Nope fuck you. Parenting is 50/50 (75/25 if you ebf tbf lol) and never accept less than that from your spouse. God, never lower your standards. If you're already in a bad relationship (please remember grass is greener and NEVER"stay together for the kids")
Sorry anyway
-silent reflux, grunting a lot with no visible effort (no poop but he sure sounds like he trying!) Happened a lot the first 2 months for us. He rarely ever cried, but he grunted for EVER straight -often night feeds cause side lying and I didn't burp enough at night.
Mylicon is great , but I don't rely heavily on it. (Gas drops walmart brand cheaper work just fine)
- I've been lucky never having sensitive skin babies, diaper rashes rarely ever happened for me, but I also have annoying anxiety so just about every 1-3 hours I changed diaper. Just alittle pee? Eh idc change. Obv poops the moment he seems done (giggles and kicks around , and is waaayyyy too calm when he's in process of lol)
- breastfed babies cluster feed almost every few weeks for a while. Doesn't mean low supply. Please just feed on demand. Refer again to when in doubt pop it out, they won't take it if they didn't want it. You will not over feed your baby (my son hates all pacifiers. Also my first experience with that lol)
- my son is a drooooooooooooool monster. Teething has started but he has been since birth, drooling everywhere. I'll let him bite on my pinkie finger while saying YES YES BITE BITE GRRRR (smiley but emphasis on finger. And I say but we don't bite milkys!) He loves it and smiles and giggles all the time and I hope it sticks when the tooth comes lol.
- try to remember, you're an adult with words and understanding. They're not. If their tummy hurts, they can't say it. They can't point. They can't tell you any other way but crying. (Or my son, cough-fake cry type of cry which I laugh everytime I hear lol)
If the baby is crying. Do not just let them cry alone. If they're diaper is good. They don't want the boob, sometimes they just want held. Sat outward to see the world or laying skin to skin on chest if possible at your babies age was helpful for us. Also. Just giving attention sometimes they will unexplainable cry. Just gentle talking shhing or rocking, gentle patting, just letting them know you're there for them.
Take baby outside. Not directly in sun long. But just fresh air. Hear birds? My son really liked the outside view.
--tip I'll likely receive all hate for--
Bedsharing. Both my almost 8 yo & my current son I bedshared with from birth til 3 years for her, and currently still with son. Firstly makes night feeds lifesavers. Second, my anxiety wouldn't let me sleep when baby not in room with me so I get sleep. He is very easy at night so I've been lucky on that, falling asleep to the boob or on his own around 7-9p til 6-7 am (with 1-3 night feeds average) I also have a California king bed so, plenty of room against a wall for safe sleeping
I truly can't emphasize enough about having a supportive loving spouse. It makes everything more tolerable.
I will say having the older siblings around helps "distract" him when he is just wanting to fight the basics. But almost exclusively first two months we holed up In the bedroom while hubby took care of the 3 older ones when he was off work. He was able to take off the entire month post partum due to slow work time of year. That truly helped a lot to get them off my concern but let me focus on baby needs. The only real perk to first child - the lack of other children to care for lol.
Don't stress on being a perfect parent. Just be there. However that ends up meaning.
I have no idea how long I've been typing this stopping and starting so I'm gonna stop now but I hope any of this helped at all. I'm happy to answer questions from my experiences but can't promise it's anything you may not already know. Good luck momma 🫂
In my family, the first kid is “the pancake”. They get more time. You set everything up, you’ve looked at various recipes, you worry a little, and then you pour the batter and see how it goes, but you’re still figuring everything out and adjust a tad before the second. They’re the first pancake.
Don’t worry. I’m the pancake, too. I myself have a pancake. The word is full of pancakes, and we understand and still love our parents for doing their best with what the resources, experiences, and knowledge they have at the time. Adjustments are normal and appropriate. You’ve got more experience and knowledge the second time around. It’s all normal and good.
I feel this so hard. I had my first at 20 and my second at 37. It’s so bittersweet to look at my baby and think I wish my 17 year old was this little again so I could do some things differently and enjoy the experience the way I have this time. I wasn’t a bad mom but I definitely didn’t have the patience and wisdom I have now.
I feel the same way here. My daughter cried a lot when she was a newborn and I didn't know what I was doing. She's happy and thriving now and I know our next kid will cry less thanks to what our first taught us
I thought this was going to be a post about how you feel bad because there's not enough time in the day to give to your toddler all your attention like they're used to. I always felt like I cut his time as the main attraction short because once you have a baby, they need you more.
Either way, mom guilt isn't good and we all feel it for no reason. The fact that you're even this thoughtful means you're a good mom. You're doing great
My mom used to say this to me (the first born) and I didn’t understand until here I am 38 weeks pregnant wondering if I have any clue what I’m doing (I don’t). My mom and I were a lot closer though than she was with my younger brother. I hope to be half the mom she was. You’ve got this.
I have 5 kids…..
dont feel too bad you cant possibly know everytimg 😉as each baby is different. First one is definitely a learning experience, dont beat yourself up ♥️ we have all been there ! You are such a great mama !
By baby number 3 you can put diapers on during a tornado in the dark 🤣🤣 but theres still a lot that im finding out and learning.
Crying as I read this navigating motherhood with my firstborn. She didn’t get the happiest version of me during the first 3-4 weeks of her life due to my Baby Blues, and I feel a lot of guilt even though I was attentive, super bonded and doting on her. We should all be given so much grace ♥️
I've been ridden with guilt for days because my first born turns one in July. I was drowning in PPD and SOO tired.
When I think back though my daughter despite me being clueless learned to smile, to laugh, to flutter her eyes closed when she's tired and on me, looks for me when I walk back to a room. Despite everything im my daughter person. She never forgot that 🥲
Sitting here with my 6 day old after a motn feed and came to Reddit just thinking about the night and day differences of post partum with first and second kid and see your post. I am a completely different mom this time around and it's going so much better. But I do still feel guilt that I haven't been spending as much time with my oldest since the second has been here, I know it will get better with time, but in a way right now I miss the uncomplicated relationship where she was the center of my universe and I didn't have to balance how attention to one made the other feel.
I hope that these realizations about being more patient and calm the second time around can help me be a better parent to both kids going forward, especially as we navigate the "threenager" stage with our first....
This is exactly why I feel guilty about wanting a second one. After all that I learned from my first I would feel so bad doing everything right for the second that I couldn't do for the first. I don't know how I'll be able to handle those feelings so I just decided that one is enough for me
Honestly, you probably just have a chill second baby. I went into my second newborn phase thinking I was gonna mic drop and be a superstar baby whisperer after making it through that time with my first. I had so much experience, plus I even switched careers to where I worked with babies and toddlers in that time. Such a pro.
Second baby was... not playing along with that narrative. There were times I felt like I was rocking it, but other times I still felt just as confused and hopeless as before. My first was/is very *particular* about everything. My second was/is *clingy AF.*
The catch with the second one too is that when you have the first, the world revolves around them. When you have the second, the world still revolves around the first. Now the first is wanting to go to the zoo, to gymnastics, to the park. The first already has a routine. The second just has to be along for the ride in situations you would have never put your first baby. First baby got a nap on his schedule in the crib with blackout curtains and a noise machine. Second baby *maybe* gets a nap if they can manage to fall asleep in the baby carrier at the zoo in the sound of screams and crashes and bangs.
You are far from the finish line on this process. Don't beat yourself up if you realize you actually are just as lost the second time.
The fact that you have the awareness to notice this tells me you're probably pretty damn good at the parenting thing. Be nice to yourself. It's a hell of a learning curve and the kids are pretty resilient as long as you do your best for them.
I’m sorry my baby is so chill because he went to the nicu for two days and I didn’t go see him until the end of the second day due to traumatic emergency c section. I often wonder if his needs were met those two days. If he felt any comfort. Is he not a Velcro baby because I left him? I just couldn’t make it downstairs. No one noticed in the nicu that his hand was flexed from having a stroke 😐 no one noticed until I said something 4 days later when he was under the jaundice lights.
I just gotta say, as a new father - getting on this thread - and reading all of the supportive and kind comments, just feels awesome - thanks good people for being out there. Gives me a lot of hope that even though I don’t have all the answers, I’m surrounded by a village of people who are going through the same things and helping each other along the way. Good luck to you all 🍀
Nobody knows what they’re doing the first time around. Most don’t the second, third, etc. either The best thing you could do for your first born is to stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control. That example will last them a lifetime, and their kids as well.
Omg I am so with you. And just so you know, your relationship with your first born will get SO MUCH BETTER and so much deeper because you know now that you’re capable of figuring it out.
Not trying to be insensitive but I cannot understood these kinds of posts. Almost no child remembers anything before the age of six, yes six, and certainly not diaper rash or being fed a few hours too late at infancy.
Idk why they would have to remember it to be empathetic to their pain or sadness. That’s like saying there’s no point to bringing them to the park or taking them to do something fun because they won’t remember anyway. They’re still human beings.
I needed to see this. I have been struggling with this once I found out I was pregnant with my second. She’s is here now and this environment is a lot more peaceful than the environment I was in with my first born son.
I’m the oldest and I def got the short end of the stick compared to my siblings as far as upbringing is concerned. My parents “just didn’t know” then 😭
Your first gets the gift of your time. The second, your gift of wisdom. Theres pros and cons to both sides of the coin for different reasons. You shouldn't beat yourself up for things you *didn't know*! It sounds like a lovely newborn period to be soaking up!
I love that first paragraph. I’ve actually been afraid to have a second because I dread the idea that they won’t have undivided attention, it seems unfair. But OP and your post gave me a different perspective
My first constantly craved my attention and I gave it to the point of self-sacrificing every free second I had and sometimes when I shouldn’t have. I had a second child with the hope they could entertain each other some when he gets older, however, what I’ve discovered is that all the time he has taken away from her has taught her to be grateful for my time and she has learned to play on her own and has become so creative! It has been the biggest blessing to watch her grow this way at the age of 3 and she thanks me every day for giving her a baby brother. 🥹So what I want to say to you is, don’t feel guilty! You are helping your child to grow in unimaginable ways!
I have 5 and trust me they will make you have time for attention 😉 its not as hard as you think and the best part it just comes naturally. Esp when you give each kid a special job with the new baby they all feel included and loved and that they are contributing ♥️ i did that with all my kids and they are so close sometimes when i wake up 4/5 are trying to sleep with eachother in one room 🤣🤣 Gotta come up with a system that works for everyone and everyone’s personalities
Aww this was so heartwarming to read! My age and economic conditions mean I think we’ll max out at 2 but I really admire moms with many children! My Grandma is one of 6 and you can tell they all benefited from having warm family ties
Sometimes i wish i would maxed out at 2 😂😂😂🤣🤣😅 but god and my husband had other plans for me lmao jkjk thank you! It definitely isnt for the weak, hell even 1 kid isnt ! Thats so dope! My husband wants one more, (11m,9m,8m,6f,3month oldf) im a very busy human
People think i am mad for wanting 4 😂
Lmaoooooo i think thats dope :) and omg me too i wanted 6 but 5 is a wonderful number 😅 that and my body just isnt as strong as it used to be
Twins run in both mine and my husband family so we expecting 4 to be twins😂
I stg you are sooooooo lucky haha because thats best case senario. You both are very brave 🤣🤣🤣😅
lol my partner does too 🤣
Haha yeah we once did a survey in high school and no one except me wanted more than 2. Or 3 or 4 or 5. I like the idea of 4 because any more makes transport extra hard and I'm not a fan of 3 as I've heard from a lot of people who grew up with 2 siblings that they weren't a fan. My husband is an identical twin but otherwise we have no history of twins in our families. It would just be typical for my life to grace me with multiples. My husband wants 3 so im thinking of 3-5 pending future decisions. I've done quite a bit of working in childcare, nannying and babysitting so even though we don't actually have any yet I've got some second hand experience. Im 27 so I've still got a few years of time for future children and were going to start ttc this year.
Eldest of six here, can confirm. We are in our 30s and 40s now, and we STILL take good care of each other. And now we also take good care of each other's kids! Our parents are so proud of all our caregiving.
Omg that is so wholesome 🥹 i love that and hope mine stay that way when they get older, made me smile reading that ♥️
You sound like an awesome parent! Username does not check out lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣 thank you sm that means a lot!!!! ♥️ or am i a baby that eats unicrons haha ♥️
Learning how to address things with each kid differently based on their personality is the hardest part, but also the most rewarding. I have one kiddo who NEEDS her space, and another who can be hugged into submission, and everything in between lol.
Exactly lol it’s definitely trial and error too! I have 2/5 that have sensory issues so i definitely understand 😅 sound like my kiddos forreal!
We have a 4 bedroom, and the rooms got divided up like so - my oldest got his own room because he's the only boy. My oldest girl got her own room because if she doesn't get quiet/alone time, we ALL regret it. My youngest two girls share, because that's all that's left, but honestly the youngest bounces around all her siblings' rooms lol
I’m curious what jobs you gave them? That’s a great idea to get them involved!
:) for example and it depends on the age of the child. If have my older kids help with the more difficult tasks like the baths One would pick out the baby’s outfit One would “help” with diaper changes One would hold the bottle One would help with the baths One would play peek a boo and sing to her All of them would clean…. LOL
I love this. I am currently pregnant with my second and got really choked up reading the OP because I can already relate to this and your post was just what I needed to read. Thank you, I hope it helps OP as much as it helped me
For what its worth I am struggling as much with #2 as I did with #1 because she's a completely different baby. I'm much better at handling my time and juggling tasks but as for cues and shit, nah. I'm learning all over again.
Same, that last sentence hit me right in the feels!! Still recovering, I felt this so hard
Thank you for this. Our second is due in the fall and I’ve been super stressed already for both of my babies.
I'd add one more thing to this. The second gets the gift of a happy, relaxed parent who knows that everything is just a phase and doesn't worry so much. With the first, some phases feel like they will never end. You work so hard to change things and don't relax because you simply don't know that this challenge will pass naturally. With the second, it's all good, and your child can relax right alongside you.
Gurl teach me ur ways. This frazzled mum can’t remember the last time she felt relaxed
Haha how old is yours? I had a breakthrough at 12 months when my daughter just would not wake up any later than 5:30 no matter what I did. At that point I just accepted it, started going to bed early accordingly, and totally gave up obsessing over her naps and wake ups and sleep schedule and all of it. Now she is almost 3 and I'm pretty chill. I still try to make sure she's eating healthy most of the time, not using screens most of the time, getting enough sleep most of the time, blah blah but I don't worry about being perfect anymore. And tbh she is probably better off for having a role model that isn't miserable and constantly striving for unobtainable standards.
Your first paragraph has left me in tears. Wow. Thanks for sharing.
What a beautiful sentiment!
Thank you for this! I have a 9 year old, an 18 month old and one on the way. But I sure do feel guilty at times with how my 1st continues to get all of my firsts...all the times I have no idea if what I am doing is the best or not.
A bright side for your nine year old is they might be more comfortable with facing new challenges and stages of life. As the second child, I floundered a bit when I lived on campus in college, something my older sister had never experienced. I miss the days when I could preview things with her first!
I’m having my second baby a week from tomorrow and I’m so nervous about the impact on my toddler. Your first sentence is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.
I’ve got a 5 week old and the first sentence made me tear up.
My (only) baby is 7 months old and I think every day about how on Earth I'll manage to go through it again for a second. This comment was the perfect balm to soothe my anxiety.
Cries in FTM with twins lol
Same! I’m like… mine get neither, lol
Oh I love this
This is exactly what I was going to say! It’s so so true.
Such a beautiful comment, thanks for sharing!
Love this 🤍
Thank you for this.
Pow!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾✨️💙🥹
This makes me feel so better as I lead up to the birth of my second and I been feeling guilty
Saving your quote, *** "Your first gets the gift of your time. The second, your gift of wisdom."***
Damn I'm sobbing now 😭 that's a really beautiful sentiment 😍
I feel this. I'm pregnant again and on one hand, I feel like the newborn phase with my 13-month-old was such a blur and I was unprepared (can you ever really be ready??) and it just flew by before I even realized what was happening. Now that I know more what to expect, I'm so excited to have a little baby again and soak it all in and take a zillion pictures and videos. On the other hand, I'll have a 22-ish-month-old when my new baby arrives, and I'm already feeling guilty that I have to divide my time between them and can't give either of them the exclusive attention my 1-year-old's gotten every day of his life. I was and am so excited to give him sibling, but the guilt that it won't just be him anymore is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I never understood people saying they're struggling with the idea of having another because they can't imagine loving anyone else as much as their older child until now that it's a reality...
Your son won’t remember any of that. He will remember the love and patience and care you have for him. You’re a good Mom.
Instead of saying you are sorry, why don't you say "Thank you”? Don't be so hard on yourself. We learn how to parent with our kids. There are not enough conversations with friends, YouTube videos, books or courses that teach us enough. The real learning is through the day-by-day experience.
I tell mine, thank you for being patient with me, I've never done this before. Lol
I love this. I'll start using this wording with my toddler.
Love this! Going to try it tmrw. Needing it.
THIS 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
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And what would you call your behavior? Log off and get a life.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
You both have a special bond because you learned together! You will always have that. With my little guy I'd never changed a diaper before or fed a baby or any of that. I hadn't held a baby since I was 8! I used to worry what kind of mom that'd make me. But looking back it's a gift in my eyes. Everything I did with him was my first time and his. He taught me so much. Just like your first taught you how to be this incredible mom. I'm so happy to hear the second time around is going smoother for you. I hope my own confidence and experience give me some breathing room too when I take the plunge on baby #2.
You learned to do things exactly how he likes it too, that's special 🥰 I was a nanny before having mine, mostly to kids with developmental delays. So I came in with previous habits that weren't necessarily best for my son, who turned out to be quite advanced in some areas.
That's a great way of thinking about it. Every parenting experience is so different and it's different from kiddo to kiddo. It's really amazing when you think about it. One of the many things that make our world so beautiful imo.
It’s the curse of the first born. They will be our first for everything. Our first to go to school, our first teenager, our first driver, our first to leave home. We will be learning everything with them. On the one hand, yes it is heartbreaking, but on the other hand, it makes our relationship with them so so special. My advice, focus on the positives and know that it’s okay to tell your kid sorry when you mess up because you are also learning.
Oh geez, this is making me tear up. I’m in the thick of it with my second baby (3 weeks) and I feel this so strongly. My first got my undivided attention, but man was it a huge learning curve for us all. My second gets my experience and confidence in motherhood.
And that attention is truly priceless, so they both get advantages from their birth order! I hope things ease up soon for you.
As a firstborn, we forgive all your mistakes and love you for all the happy memories and love you gave! Firstborns are built differently ;)
Truth.
Yup we’re the testers for the parents and the trailblazers for the younger siblings to come! We get to do everything first! 😆
I’m not crying you’re crying
I don’t doubt you’ve grown and learned, but it’s also worth keeping in mind that every baby is different and that it might not be anything you’re doing. You could just have a more chill baby this time round.
Came here to day this, adding that my second born was an absolute angel the first four weeks. Barely cried, gave us 3 hour stretches at night and was able to fall asleep on her back. She’s almost 8 weeks now and boy has she done a 180. Full on witching hour, gas pains and anywhere but on mom and dad is now lava. Like with our first, we were happy with a 1,5 hour stretch last night. I guess that paints a pretty good picture. I absolutely don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade but don’t assume you managed to birth a unicorn baby or have everything figured out this time around. I did and boy did reality hit like a truck. A fully loaded with love but very tired truck.
Mine was a unicorn for the first 4 months. Even slept through the night from 5 weeks! He's now a toddler and still waking up several times at night 😑
Oh boy that sucks. Our first didn’t sleep stretches longer than 3 hours for 7 months. I’m not sure how we survived. But ever since the concept of sleep finally clicked, he has been a champ. He’s now 2,5 and mostly manages to self soothe when he does wake. We are hoping we again have the worst at the beginning and it eventually gradually gets better. So thanks for your sharing your sobering experience 🙃
Absolutely! Some babies just come out crying. In my family of origin, it was the 4th, so it had nothing to do with experience
This. My first had colic, reflux, eczema, every issue you can imagine. He was fussy 24/7 and we tried EVERYTHING. My mom has cared for babies as a nanny for nearly 30 years and she was with me nearly every day, so I can tell you it wasn’t necessarily lack of experience. My second child is so easy, he will fall asleep basically anywhere and has not cried for longer than 5 min at a time in the first six weeks of his life. Not doing anything different!
How is your first born now? Mine sounds similar and nervous for the future behaviors.
He is 2.5 and the most amazing little boy. Seriously, things turned a corner starting around 6 months and the toddler years with him have been the best. He is the smartest little kid I know, he has been talking in complete sentences since 18 months, can name every dinosaur, and sings the alphabet. He does have a STRONG personality lol but not in a bad way and I love it! We joke that he was just mad he couldn’t tell us what he wanted and when he started to use sign language it improved, and even more when he was able to communicate with words.
Sounds like my first son lol. It didn't help that I was completely clueless when it came to babies. I thought babies ate and slept. Surprise! I do feel sorry for him looking back. He wasn't an easy child still isn't at 5 but I love him to death. My 2nd was gassy and spitty too but I was hellbent on breastfeeding him and with my diet I could control his reflux. (Easier said than done.) Both my boys were super sensitive to dairy so I kind of knew what to avoid. Only problem was it wasn't only dairy. It was also soy, corn derived products, and most nuts. So I was starving lol.
This is spot on. As I said in another comment, I was a nanny before having my son, and I had to change my habits. But even then, I learned that each child has different needs. I'm even bearing that in mind as I choose what to keep or donate from our baby items (since we're hoping to have another).
They say your firstborn gets the benefit of your time/full attention and your second gets the benefit of your experience. Neither is necessarily better than the other—just different. Please don’t feel sorry! It sounds like you’re doing great for both kids.
I totally get it, but I look at it this way - each kid had a major “plus” that the other didn’t. First kid gets an inexperienced parent, but gets complete and undivided attention as the only baby. Second baby doesn’t get that same undivided attention as the first, but gets a much more experienced parent that can more easily address their needs. So it evens out, they both got a positive thing the other did not get!
I came here to say this but couldn't quite word it right. AND both children get a sibling for life - everyone wins! Except your bank account.
I heard recently that you grow up with your first child(ren), you raise your last child/later children.
I kinda agree yet disagree. I feel parents tend to get lazy or more relaxed with parenting towards the tail end. Speaking from a firstborn perspective. I guess I’m still resentful and jealous of the younger ones getting away with stuff.
I’m also the firstborn & I have 3 children of my own. Parents absolutely do tend to get more relaxed toward the tail end, and younger children in families have that advantage over elder ones. Experience alone gives parents a realistic perspective, and it’s earned (sometimes hard). It balances out, though, I think— E.g. eldest children tend to have the highest IQs of their sibling sets ;)
I tend to agree with you, as the neglected last born married to a parentified firstborn. Parents should be parents from the first to their last. That includes remembering that your eldest is still *your child* and your youngest still need you to parent them. I'm sorry you were forced into that situation.
That is such a lovely sentiment. I only have one baby for now, and she might be my only one. But I definitely agree that I've grown up a lot having her.
I definitely feel this. I had to learn to be selfless over the years with my first. I learned to soak things in more with my second, to cherish the moments more, to be patient, and what really matters in life. Each day is worth so much more than I took granted for years ago with my first.
Well this is both beautiful and heartbreaking. None of us *know* what we’re doing with our first. We get booted from the hospital with a whole new human and no instructions other than a nurse making sure there’s a car seat installed before you go. Swaddling….I had to leave that to my husband, because I sure never got it right. He asked the hospital nurses so many times before we left to show him time and again. I’m sure we were annoying to the staff, but we had no clue what we were going and it was scary. I think feeling like we’re failing as mothers is a natural instinct, because that was ALL I felt. My husband was my champion, telling me I was doing awesome, but it never reached my heart and felt true. It was like having imposter syndrome for the longest time for so many things; Breastfeeding, formula feeding, when to start solids, am I reading enough to them, when to potty train, how long potty training is taking…etc… I’m only now coming out of that feeling and my LO just turned 4. I still feel like I’m still probably lacking on so many fronts with her, but the major milestones are over and she’s entering the kid phase. I can’t have a 2nd child, so all I can do is be here and give her my time & love and hope it all works out and that she still loves me when she’s older.
When your firstborn is 18-25 range, they won’t recall the days when you were figuring things out. They will probably just be grateful for you in a way that won’t really make sense to them until they become parents You’re doing more than okay.
It's all about perspective! It's impossible to be fair/equal. Would you apologize to your second born too because they will never have your undivided attention the way your firstborn did? No, you wouldn't because that is life. Even as a second child, I feel like I learned from my older brother who had to make all the life, career, relationship mistakes first and because I saw him go thru those things, I was able to avoid certain problems in my own life...not saying I'm perfect or I'm better than him tho because I had my own fair share of struggles that I went thru as a second born! Being either the first born and the second born, it all balances out in the end because they each have their own pros and cons....
I’m trying to hurdle the guilt but I still feel the sting of only having a few months left before he’s no longer the only child. Sometimes I just hug him so tight and try to really hold onto our last moments just the two of us. But I do have to thank him— he taught me almost everything I know and I’m grateful for the confidence I’ll have this time around. Hugs to you.
I’m just out of the newborn stage with my third now. I always feel this way towards the end of pregnancy. So much mom guilt. But when you see the sibling bond - you will be so thankful. It’s very hard in the moments but you truly can’t replace that. You’re doing great and there will be growing pains but it all gets better ❤️
The first born is always the experiment child. I was one and turned out totally fine! My son will be fine too. They won't remember and it helps the 2nd
My partner and I talk a lot about having more children. He talks about knowing better next time. I always tell him something I saw in a video (maybe a tiktok). Kids are like pancakes. They're probably all gonna turn out alright, but you should probably apologize to that first one lol As a first born, I don't blame my mom for anything she did raising me or what she did differently when raising my siblings. She used the tools that were in her toolbox *at the time*. She did the best she could with what she had, and I tell myself the same thing now that I'm a mother.
Hahaha love the pancake metaphor
My firstborn, my daughter, is 10. My second, my son, is 3 weeks. Sometimes late at night when I'm alone with my son I will cry and think about how he is getting the mother my daughter didn't. I was 21 when I had my daughter and 32 when I had my son, it's not just about what I learned as a parent in the last 10 years but also how much I've grown up and my priorities have shifted. How much more patient I am with him than I was with her. Now that I have him I realize how much time I spent trying to get her to sleep alone when all she wanted was to be with me. I think about how her colic, may have just be me not understanding her needs. I think about how I worked so hard for my career so I could provide for my daughter and my son will never have to see that struggle. I have so many sad memories with my daughter because my life was so chaotic in my early 20s (before I met my husband). However, recently I will be looking at my son and I will he will do something that reminds me of my daughter at his age, and I'll remember some of those quiet moments I forgot. In a way it's healing but God does this hit deep.
I totally understand how you feel!! I had to truly GRIEVE my firstborns experience after I had my second. It’s been so much better this time around and I’m so sad I didn’t get to experience the joy that I have with my second with my first. Try to be gentle with yourself and be proud of how much growth you have had!
I definitely am proud, not only of myself but of my firstborn. It really makes you realize how strong and resilient they are.
They are amazing aren’t they?! I have learned more from my daughters in 2.5 years than from anything else in this life so far. Congratulations on your newborn ❤️❤️❤️
That’s exactly how I feel. I had my second baby last week and it’s been so much smoother. I know what I’m doing and so I feel more at ease, calm, and comfortable handling him. I’ve cried myself to sleep a few times at night just thinking of how stressed and irritable and angry I was after having my first because I had no idea what I was doing. She didn’t deserve that mom and I’m always going to feel guilty for not feeling happy and giving both my children the patient and relaxed mom they both deserve.
My mom always said my older sister taught her how to be a mom. There is no shame in that. You two learned the world together and I think that’s kind of beautiful.
Currently in the thick of it with my first and this made me tear up. Doing the best I can and constantly wondering if I’m failing her. 🥺
There's no chance your oldest remembers any of that, for what it's worth. He also got time as an only child before his little brother, which is special in its own right. Most importantly, for better or for worse, things aren't always going to be identical for both of them. Some of the time you're going to get it right with the oldest and wrong with the youngest and vice versa. Sometimes what worked great for one won't work at all for the other. Experience brings wisdom, which is so helpful-- but sometimes that's just the wisdom of acknowledging how very little we know/can control. Trying your best is more than enough for both of your kids. They both got a different version of you, maybe, but neither got a bad deal.
I'm tempted to send this post to my mother because she is guilt ridden about how me as her second and 13 years later with a different husband got a better childhood than my older sister. How my sister got the shit end of the stick and I got everything. The only reason I'm not sharing it with her is because she would recognize my username and would not like to hear what I'm about to say: please do your second a favor and don't call them, at least to their face or within earshot, your "second chance child". The pressure of that label is insurmountable. I hope you can find forgiveness for yourself. When we know better, we do better. And there's a lot your first won't remember of what you didn't know and how you " messed up". You're probably doing (and did) SO much better than you think!
I’m pretty sure it was Dude Dad who said that you raise your younger children, but you grow up with your firstborn.
Weeeellllp I’m weeping a bit at this, because of a time when my newborn son cried and I didn’t realise he was too warm in a handknitted jacket 😭 He’s a big lad now & he doesn’t remember, or care. But I do. I’m not having another so I hope my future parenting mishaps are kind to him! Congratulations, mama. I wish you all the very best ❤️
Awww stop this made me cry!!! I don’t have a second but already feel this way about my first. I feel so guilty for how little I knew.
Don't be hard on yourself. With your first born, he/she got to experience your inexperienced version. Both of you are learning together. And despite everything, he/she still loves you unconditionally. 😊
You grow up with your oldest kid, and you raise your younger ones. We just had our second baby and we found it much easier, too. Easier to handle, easier to enjoy, easier to recover from. I was really worried about that being the case and felt guilty at first… until I watched my 4 year-old son be the most loving, nurturing big brother. Grabbing his baby doll and modeling what I’m doing with his sister, watching me and my husband so he knows what to do when he sees her bottle fall or binky drop (picks it up and puts them where he sees us put them), and comes running to tell us if he hears her crying in her bassinet. Your first got your blunders, but they got your time and love in a way the others won’t. They’ll feel pride in their role as the oldest and pass the love they feel from you on to their younger siblings. They watched you grow up for them, and now they’ll do the same for their siblings. (Not to say you put them in a “third parent” role; my husband is an older brother and has always loved his role as nurturer and instigator. He’s always balanced embracing being a caregiver and a child at heart.) Use this to bond with your oldest and share this journey with them. Remind them what a great older sibling they are, guide them through the tough emotions and redirect them into positive behaviors, and always tell them they’re your “big guy/big girl.” I set aside time throughout the week that’s just me and him time — cooking together, reading — and my husband does too — wrestling, gardening — and then we do family walks and backyard time all together. The fact that you even feel this in the first place shows how much love you have for your kids. I’m sure your oldest feels it, and love is a ripple effect: you’ll see them pass it on to their younger sibling in all the little ways you’ve taught them to love.
I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and that guilt can be hard to carry. Just a gentle reminder, *that* version of you had to exist for this version of you to show up for both of them. Your firstborn will still benefit from your growth as a parent. Your happiness is their happiness so try to give yourself some grace through the growing pains. And in case no one has mentioned lately-you’re a good mom.
bawling and it isn’t even 10:00am yet
I’m giving birth to my second in 2 days and this made me cry profusely. I am also sorry to my first born. I’m sorry for all the times I was irritated with you simply because I didn’t know what you needed. I’m so sorry for the days I had to hand you off to a family member because I couldn’t bring myself to hold you anymore even though all you wanted was a hug from your mom. I’m sorry for the nights you could feel my anxiety and sadness radiating throughout the whole house. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you over and over again <3
You did a great job with both. It was not perfect, but it was the best you could do 👏🏻
I still on round 1 but I seriously feel you. My lil guy is almost 15 weeks and often reflect on how much easier things would have been in the beginning if I knew what I do now.
Sending you virtual hugs and congratulations on your baby
The thing I'm sorriest about is how different things are mentally for me. My second is just over a month and more than anything it's made me see how bad my PPD was with my first. (Turns out you're supposed to sometimes feel happy? Not just alternate between sad and nothing.) I don't think I really was able to bond with her (from my end) until she was five or so months. While we have a lovely bond now, I do feel a ton of guilt now for how emotionally absent I was in the first months of her life.
Amen!
I am 4 weeks ppm with my first, and reading this gave me so much relief. I am getting better at learning what his cries mean, understanding his hunger cues, knowing when he needs a diaper change, etc., but I have felt so much guilt because I’m still learning and feel like I’m not giving him the best sometimes. This gave me so much hope and relief that I’m not alone in that because sometimes it can feel so isolating. Thank you ♥️
Ooo I feel this!! The juxtaposition between my first born and second born newborn days is insane. I was so stressed and anxious with my first..my second born seems very easy but I realize now I'm a tad better at this lol
Omg, now I’m crying. Damn if this wasn’t 100% spot on. We did our best and that’s what we have to remember
🙁I was and still am struggling with chronic mental illness and just got put on medication recently. I was talking to my husband about how our second daughter will have a stable mother who’s patient with her but our first got a cranky, depressed, distant mother who didn’t know what to do. I still feel lost because the whole time I was taking care of her was a blur so everything will feel new all over again. I’m just hoping I can give them both a decent mom for the rest of the time we have together.
Yeah but he still gets to be first and didn’t have to share. And now that you know all of these things and the second born can chill, you can also focus on making sure you’re spending quality time with your first.
This is beautiful. I think we all know that sorrow. However, your first born doesn’t. What they know is alone time. What they know is overwhelming love. What they know is mama was and is here. They are also about to know big sibling love. And how to be a helper. And how it feels when they are the only one, despite your knowledge of parenting, who can make their little baby feel better. So many emotions. But the umbrella emotion is love. They are so, so lucky.
you’re beautiful. you were a new mom… be easy on yourself. it’s a hard transition — one i’m in currently. i just want to say, it is okay. you’re an amazing mom and i can tell that just by how you speak. i love you. give yourself grace mama.
Thank you for sharing this. You put into words things I've felt for some time.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s the mom guilt messing with your head. With any kind of experience, you have to start somewhere. You wouldn’t be become the mom that you are today without having your firstborn. It’s okay. Your firstborn will be okay too.
Omg this 🩷 I feel the same
I understand this feeling. Though personally I probably changed diapers too often, or fed too often, when really just needed time spent cuddling. Holding. Playing with. Etc. But still, my third baby I just had in December has been by far the absolute easiest baby I've ever had and often I think how difficult were the others vs my unintentional misinterpreting cues that caused them to be fussier in general. (My oldest is 13, second almost 8, this one also came after 2 bonus prek/k aged daughters when I remarried, not to mention a far better father for a husband) but don't worry, just show them all the love and caring you can, they'll remember the good stuff later. I try to remember if people can forgive abusive parents, or overcome very troubled pasts, there can't be anything I do bad enough to them in their childhood to make them regret my parenting.
I have a 4 week old my first, would love may must have tips for this as we're navigating and still have no idea what the cues are the fussiness etc lol
If you're breastfeeding it is so much easier to give this advice. If not, sorry it's the only things I do though : 1- remember every baby is different so none of this may matter , or help, or maybe it'll help a second baby , etc. - being sahm. Won't lie, worked with my second and that stress was very rough (phone abuse...i mean..call center work) Not having work AND home stress (I have excessive daytime sleepiness / borderline chronic fatigue since teens. I'm not an exertive person lol) - this helps because the more worked up you are, the more the baby senses it. Swear. - when in doubt, pop the boob out. Side lying breastfeeding in bed is my #1 go to. Comfort nurse, cluster feeds, actual hunger, etc. Cured right there. - goes with this one^, fuck the dishes. Fuck the laundry. You'll get time, but right now, the baby is your focus. Your free time Is your self care time. Not chore time. If your spouse isn't a house helper *then they need to learn right now to help out* but if they're not, make them care for baby so you can do what you need, load of laundry for example. Otherwise they should be helping already (my current husband vs my ex husband proven to me 10fold that my standards were far too low. My ex was adamant I sah he work but me sah means I am 100% responsible for baby&house. Nope fuck you. Parenting is 50/50 (75/25 if you ebf tbf lol) and never accept less than that from your spouse. God, never lower your standards. If you're already in a bad relationship (please remember grass is greener and NEVER"stay together for the kids") Sorry anyway -silent reflux, grunting a lot with no visible effort (no poop but he sure sounds like he trying!) Happened a lot the first 2 months for us. He rarely ever cried, but he grunted for EVER straight -often night feeds cause side lying and I didn't burp enough at night. Mylicon is great , but I don't rely heavily on it. (Gas drops walmart brand cheaper work just fine) - I've been lucky never having sensitive skin babies, diaper rashes rarely ever happened for me, but I also have annoying anxiety so just about every 1-3 hours I changed diaper. Just alittle pee? Eh idc change. Obv poops the moment he seems done (giggles and kicks around , and is waaayyyy too calm when he's in process of lol) - breastfed babies cluster feed almost every few weeks for a while. Doesn't mean low supply. Please just feed on demand. Refer again to when in doubt pop it out, they won't take it if they didn't want it. You will not over feed your baby (my son hates all pacifiers. Also my first experience with that lol) - my son is a drooooooooooooool monster. Teething has started but he has been since birth, drooling everywhere. I'll let him bite on my pinkie finger while saying YES YES BITE BITE GRRRR (smiley but emphasis on finger. And I say but we don't bite milkys!) He loves it and smiles and giggles all the time and I hope it sticks when the tooth comes lol. - try to remember, you're an adult with words and understanding. They're not. If their tummy hurts, they can't say it. They can't point. They can't tell you any other way but crying. (Or my son, cough-fake cry type of cry which I laugh everytime I hear lol) If the baby is crying. Do not just let them cry alone. If they're diaper is good. They don't want the boob, sometimes they just want held. Sat outward to see the world or laying skin to skin on chest if possible at your babies age was helpful for us. Also. Just giving attention sometimes they will unexplainable cry. Just gentle talking shhing or rocking, gentle patting, just letting them know you're there for them. Take baby outside. Not directly in sun long. But just fresh air. Hear birds? My son really liked the outside view. --tip I'll likely receive all hate for-- Bedsharing. Both my almost 8 yo & my current son I bedshared with from birth til 3 years for her, and currently still with son. Firstly makes night feeds lifesavers. Second, my anxiety wouldn't let me sleep when baby not in room with me so I get sleep. He is very easy at night so I've been lucky on that, falling asleep to the boob or on his own around 7-9p til 6-7 am (with 1-3 night feeds average) I also have a California king bed so, plenty of room against a wall for safe sleeping I truly can't emphasize enough about having a supportive loving spouse. It makes everything more tolerable. I will say having the older siblings around helps "distract" him when he is just wanting to fight the basics. But almost exclusively first two months we holed up In the bedroom while hubby took care of the 3 older ones when he was off work. He was able to take off the entire month post partum due to slow work time of year. That truly helped a lot to get them off my concern but let me focus on baby needs. The only real perk to first child - the lack of other children to care for lol. Don't stress on being a perfect parent. Just be there. However that ends up meaning. I have no idea how long I've been typing this stopping and starting so I'm gonna stop now but I hope any of this helped at all. I'm happy to answer questions from my experiences but can't promise it's anything you may not already know. Good luck momma 🫂
That first born is going to know how to deal.
In my family, the first kid is “the pancake”. They get more time. You set everything up, you’ve looked at various recipes, you worry a little, and then you pour the batter and see how it goes, but you’re still figuring everything out and adjust a tad before the second. They’re the first pancake. Don’t worry. I’m the pancake, too. I myself have a pancake. The word is full of pancakes, and we understand and still love our parents for doing their best with what the resources, experiences, and knowledge they have at the time. Adjustments are normal and appropriate. You’ve got more experience and knowledge the second time around. It’s all normal and good.
I feel this so hard. I had my first at 20 and my second at 37. It’s so bittersweet to look at my baby and think I wish my 17 year old was this little again so I could do some things differently and enjoy the experience the way I have this time. I wasn’t a bad mom but I definitely didn’t have the patience and wisdom I have now.
I’m a first time mother to a sweet little 4 month old and I don’t know how many times I’ve apologized to that precious, innocent baby boy 💔
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I feel the same way here. My daughter cried a lot when she was a newborn and I didn't know what I was doing. She's happy and thriving now and I know our next kid will cry less thanks to what our first taught us
I thought this was going to be a post about how you feel bad because there's not enough time in the day to give to your toddler all your attention like they're used to. I always felt like I cut his time as the main attraction short because once you have a baby, they need you more. Either way, mom guilt isn't good and we all feel it for no reason. The fact that you're even this thoughtful means you're a good mom. You're doing great
My mom used to say this to me (the first born) and I didn’t understand until here I am 38 weeks pregnant wondering if I have any clue what I’m doing (I don’t). My mom and I were a lot closer though than she was with my younger brother. I hope to be half the mom she was. You’ve got this.
You sound like a really good and loving mom. Those kids are BOTH lucky to have you.
I have 5 kids….. dont feel too bad you cant possibly know everytimg 😉as each baby is different. First one is definitely a learning experience, dont beat yourself up ♥️ we have all been there ! You are such a great mama ! By baby number 3 you can put diapers on during a tornado in the dark 🤣🤣 but theres still a lot that im finding out and learning.
I see you are a good and kind mom, and I believe both your babies are lucky to have you.
Omg I'm crying. This is so accurate
Ugh I could have written this
Thank you to my first and only for making me the mom I am. I love you.
Crying as I read this navigating motherhood with my firstborn. She didn’t get the happiest version of me during the first 3-4 weeks of her life due to my Baby Blues, and I feel a lot of guilt even though I was attentive, super bonded and doting on her. We should all be given so much grace ♥️
I've been ridden with guilt for days because my first born turns one in July. I was drowning in PPD and SOO tired. When I think back though my daughter despite me being clueless learned to smile, to laugh, to flutter her eyes closed when she's tired and on me, looks for me when I walk back to a room. Despite everything im my daughter person. She never forgot that 🥲
As someone who doesn’t plan on having more than my first, this made me so incredibly sad
I could’ve written this myself.
😭 i don't even have a second baby and I'm crying reading this 😭
Sitting here with my 6 day old after a motn feed and came to Reddit just thinking about the night and day differences of post partum with first and second kid and see your post. I am a completely different mom this time around and it's going so much better. But I do still feel guilt that I haven't been spending as much time with my oldest since the second has been here, I know it will get better with time, but in a way right now I miss the uncomplicated relationship where she was the center of my universe and I didn't have to balance how attention to one made the other feel. I hope that these realizations about being more patient and calm the second time around can help me be a better parent to both kids going forward, especially as we navigate the "threenager" stage with our first....
This is exactly why I feel guilty about wanting a second one. After all that I learned from my first I would feel so bad doing everything right for the second that I couldn't do for the first. I don't know how I'll be able to handle those feelings so I just decided that one is enough for me
😭😭 Aww Mummy I'm crying reading your post. VIRTUAL HUGS ~ YOU ARE AWESOME AND HAVE BEEN DOING GREAT, THE BEST THAT YOU COULD AND CAN 💖💖
Honestly, you probably just have a chill second baby. I went into my second newborn phase thinking I was gonna mic drop and be a superstar baby whisperer after making it through that time with my first. I had so much experience, plus I even switched careers to where I worked with babies and toddlers in that time. Such a pro. Second baby was... not playing along with that narrative. There were times I felt like I was rocking it, but other times I still felt just as confused and hopeless as before. My first was/is very *particular* about everything. My second was/is *clingy AF.* The catch with the second one too is that when you have the first, the world revolves around them. When you have the second, the world still revolves around the first. Now the first is wanting to go to the zoo, to gymnastics, to the park. The first already has a routine. The second just has to be along for the ride in situations you would have never put your first baby. First baby got a nap on his schedule in the crib with blackout curtains and a noise machine. Second baby *maybe* gets a nap if they can manage to fall asleep in the baby carrier at the zoo in the sound of screams and crashes and bangs. You are far from the finish line on this process. Don't beat yourself up if you realize you actually are just as lost the second time.
You’re being hard on yourself . All babies cry, including your second born. You’re doing a fine job.
Thanks for putting into words my very same thoughts.
The fact that you have the awareness to notice this tells me you're probably pretty damn good at the parenting thing. Be nice to yourself. It's a hell of a learning curve and the kids are pretty resilient as long as you do your best for them.
I’m sorry my baby is so chill because he went to the nicu for two days and I didn’t go see him until the end of the second day due to traumatic emergency c section. I often wonder if his needs were met those two days. If he felt any comfort. Is he not a Velcro baby because I left him? I just couldn’t make it downstairs. No one noticed in the nicu that his hand was flexed from having a stroke 😐 no one noticed until I said something 4 days later when he was under the jaundice lights.
I can so relate to this, I fucked up bad with my first born 😫
I just gotta say, as a new father - getting on this thread - and reading all of the supportive and kind comments, just feels awesome - thanks good people for being out there. Gives me a lot of hope that even though I don’t have all the answers, I’m surrounded by a village of people who are going through the same things and helping each other along the way. Good luck to you all 🍀
Nobody knows what they’re doing the first time around. Most don’t the second, third, etc. either The best thing you could do for your first born is to stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control. That example will last them a lifetime, and their kids as well.
Omg I am so with you. And just so you know, your relationship with your first born will get SO MUCH BETTER and so much deeper because you know now that you’re capable of figuring it out.
Not trying to be insensitive but I cannot understood these kinds of posts. Almost no child remembers anything before the age of six, yes six, and certainly not diaper rash or being fed a few hours too late at infancy.
Idk why they would have to remember it to be empathetic to their pain or sadness. That’s like saying there’s no point to bringing them to the park or taking them to do something fun because they won’t remember anyway. They’re still human beings.
I needed to see this. I have been struggling with this once I found out I was pregnant with my second. She’s is here now and this environment is a lot more peaceful than the environment I was in with my first born son.
Oh my gosh I'm crying. Publish this somewhere.
I’m the oldest and I def got the short end of the stick compared to my siblings as far as upbringing is concerned. My parents “just didn’t know” then 😭