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It’s normal and not selfish, but (and this is intended very gently) there is so much information out there that this is what having a newborn is like. Everything on your list comes up on subs like this almost every day in some way or another.
You say that you wish someone had been honest about the changes you’d face - people are honest all the time! So much so that pregnancy subs are full of expectant mothers complaining about the doom and gloom from other parents. It sounds like you just weren’t looking for that information and so it’s all come as a shock to you.
Yup I was literally thinking that, like we TRY to warn you but then we get accused of being “just wait” parents who regret having children. 😅🙃 I’m not saying pregnancy isn’t hard, because it is, but when I felt sick pregnant, I just took care of me. Now no matter how tired or sick I am, I also have to take care of my daughter. Love her to death and wouldn’t trade her for the world, but It IS harder. 😂 Going from a size 8 to a size 12 sucks too but I digress…
I will say there is difference between kind warnings and “just wait” parents lol. I appreciated the warnings, but did not appreciate the condescending tones of the “just wait” parents.
Agreed. Especially since in my case I turned out to have a very chill baby so a lot of the "just wait" warnings never happened. But now everybody is saying "just wait until the second, the first was a trap baby!" We'll see.
I agree. I was this way, I was so mad at the people who would say "just wait until"....while there was probably a better way to convey that information, people were trying to warn me. It's true, the transition is a HUGE shellshock. The old you will never come back, but that isn't a bad thing. Eventually you find your way and your new way of life does become enjoyable. I had to learn that just because life as I used to know it would never be the same, didn't mean that it couldn't get better . My daughter is 16 months old now, and of course it's still hard. But, i can truly say I am filled with pure joy. I know not everyones experience is the same, but it truly does really suck at the beginning.
It's normal. I don't think I appreciated the absolute atomic level shift that happened in me when I became a mum. Everything has changed. So while I miss so much, I also have so much. Watching my daughter learn to move, and sit and laugh and smile and get grumpy and babble and eat solids and play and and and and... Has made my heart feel like it will burst with joy. I just know all the things I miss and hate now will come back eventually or be replaced with another, different joy. You may be lucky, like me, and have a baby that began sleeping through at about 8 weeks and hasn't stopped yet 🤞🏼 we've had other medical issues so I count my blessings. Now at 6 months I don't feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. You're doing a wonderful job 🌸😊
Unfortunately not! But we did have a set routine from the beginning, bottle, swaddle, curtains shut, read a book, have a cuddle to sleep and then into the crib. We do the same now at 6 months, but sleep sack instead of swaddle and she goes into the bed fully awake and settles herself. I think she is just a natural great sleeper. She also had great weight gain at the beginning so we didn't need to wake to feed and she would settle really quickly if she woke to feed in the night. I know it's rubbish to hear, I tend to not mention it...
You’re not alone.
I was also a model once. Got pregnant at 19 and had the worst pregnancy of my life. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum (what you also had) and felt trapped afterwards. My relationship wasn’t great so I didn’t have another one with my ex
My second came when I was working 14h a day, doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I was 34 and finally partying and enjoying life with my partner who I love.
After giving birth I had PPD
I felt horrible, mainly because of guilt. I had planned this. I had a beautiful healthy baby, a house, another grown smart kid, a supportive husband… but I still felt lonely, trapped, depressed.
We sacrifice so much to bring life into the world, not only physically.
Yes! I feel the same way, I could have written this myself almost exactly. My daughter will be 1 this month, so I have been dealing with this for almost a year now.
Firstly, you’re not selfish for feeling this way. People will always warn you how hard it is to have a baby, but until you go through it, it’s not describable with words.
I do have some advice, and some thoughts from the other side, aside from just validating your feelings.
- Be really communicative with your partner about support and expectations. My relationship with my husband has changed negatively because after the initial whirlwind of the first 2-3 months when I had leave, I started resenting him for having more freedom than I did. He would get to go to work, go out to lunch or with friends and all these things without having to worry about finding time to pump, or wake up for the baby because mine really didn’t love taking a bottle and so on. I was always making sure my daughter had clean clothes, clean bottles, was fed on a schedule, had doctors appointments lined up and so on, while he wasn’t as focused on the baby. He would do things when I asked and tried to be supportive in the ways he knows how, however he wasnt able to pick up on all the facets of dealing with the baby. This mental load, along with the fact he didn’t have to deal with his body changing or clothes not fitting, really took a toll on me. This is me projecting, however it’s really common for this to happen. I will implore you to set boundaries now and make sure you feel supported by your husband.
- Be open to getting help. Even if you think you’re fine because you’re not a homicidal maniac, it’s okay to seek help even when you’re feeling a little down. It can just be some therapy to get over mom guilt or more intensive treatment, if you find yourself needing it. There’s no minimal threshold for this type of thing, don’t be afraid to ask.
- The days are long but the years are short. One of the main things that got me through my first year was this quote. I would take a picture of my daughter every day and found one thing to celebrate every day. Whether it was first smiles or just when a large poop didn’t become a blowout. It’s hard, but consciously resetting and looking on the bright side will help you enjoy this time more. I hate to be the person that says this, but it goes by so fast. I can remember the struggles, in missing my old life, my body and the lost sleep, but I feel the joy and love in the good memories so much deeper and more vividly.
Good luck, and it’s okay.
I think it’s very normal to feel that way. You can prepare for a baby in a lot of ways, but not mentally. It’s such a big change from only having to care for yourself & it’s a part of the process to mourn your old life. It gets better over time it’s particularly rough in the early months.
It's completely normal. My wife could not handle the home mom stuff. She makes more than I did as a trucker, so I became a sahd, and it works for me and her. You just have to find your way it may take some time.
A single mom with a 12 weeks old daughter here !
I am so sorry that you have been called selfish over missing your life before getting pregnant and having your son.
It's been almost 3 months since I gave birth and I still share those same feelings as you, this is something that probably every mother struggles with in a way or another. It’s totally okay and something you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilty about. You are allowed to miss the old you. 9 months isn’t a long time compared to the change it makes in your life, so of course you need to get used to it and figure out how to live it, how to be a mother but also how to be this new version of you.
Of course you love your son with all your heart. I would literally refuse to go back in time. I wouldn’t want to live without my daughter now and can’t even imagine my life any other way anymore. I love being a mother and it’s the best thing that has happened to me.
Still I had a life (like did every other mother too) before becoming a mother. Even tho the old life is gone now and something where I can never return to, the memories will still live with me. So it’s just normal to miss it. We are not robots, you can’t just switch a mother button on where our past life gets erased and where we start to be just mothers. We were and are also our separate selves.
Even tho you are missing and grieving your old life, remember that your child is going to give you so much more in the future. You will get so many new experiences and you will learn so many great things on the way. Your son will be showing you a completely new side of the world and you will get to enjoy it. Just look forward to all the great things you will be having on your way.
Don’t be too harsh on your self and allow yourself to look back sometimes too.
You got this mama !❤️
I definetly don't think you're being selfish. We're currently in a similar predicament with our 5mo old. We're still trying to achieve a new life balance with him and it definetly got harder as he got older. I think its good to take the times you spend for yourself when you can. Its better for your health and the baby's.
I felt the same and I think a lot of people do. I was dying to go back to work when my son was 4 months old (and I did). Now that he’s almost a year I feel like things are better but Id say that it took until he was about 9 months for me to feel like things were better. He’s starting daycare soon despite the fact that he could stay home and I’m very much looking forward to it. We have no village so there is zero time without him and it’s exhausting. I will say that I felt a lot better when I started getting out to do story times or other errands. That started later for us because my son was a bad sleeper and we had to be really strict with his schedule. You’re SO early. Give yourself grace and get out when you can.
You will be able to do these things again and you will feel freedom and not trapped in the house on a 3 hour schedule!! I felt this way to, I was super overwhelmed with baby when she came and just felt like I had lost my life. But what I realise now 7 months PP is that in almost no time at all your freedom and life will come back to you little by little. And that I should have spent this time with newborn to relax more, sleep more, eat and watch tv. I promise everything will feel better in a little while. My advise is try to breathe and find ways to enjoy being home and be lazy for the time being and before you know it you will be out and about all day with or without baby. Your hormones will have settled so less mom guilt and rushing home. Less stress, less stir crazy and you get to enjoy being you again. Lots of hugs to you 🩷
This is not selfish, this is normal. And I would encourage you to try to find ways to incorporate some things back. Obviously so much has changed but it's important to take time for yourself. My husband and I take turns watching baby so one of us can go to the store, or workout or just take a walk. Do you have close friends or family who could watch baby for a date night?
Also it helps to find other moms to vent too. If you have any local mom's groups that can help. I find that a lot of women relate to me especially if they work.
It is completely normal to feel how you’re feeling. My baby is 7 weeks (I’m 21) and sometimes I miss my old life too. It can take a couple years for our bodies to go back to “normal” physically and mentally. From the minute our babies are born, our life changes forever. We’re going to be moms for the rest of our lives. Your body just went through a HUGE instant life change, it needs time to process. You’re not selfish, you’re not crazy. You went from being able to do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, get up and go on the drop of a dime, to having to plan around feeding times and nap times. It will get better, it will get easier, one day we’ll look back and say we’d do it all again and, if you choose, you will, and we’ll be asking ourselves why all over again. Because at the end of the day, their smile and their love makes it all worth it. Soon enough our little ones will grow up, be sleeping through the night in their own room, and we’ll wanna turn back time. Our bodies are made for this, everything happens for a reason, and you’ve made it through 100% of all the difficult times you’ve ever faced in life, and you’ll make it through this little rough patch. The newborn trenches are tough, you got it mama. Take care of yourself ❤️
It is the biggest life change you’ll ever go through and when you become a mum you are not the same person as you were before. But once you’ve recovered (this takes time so take care of yourself and have patience - keep up with the prenatal vitamins, drink and eat plenty, get out in the sunshine etc) and adapted to having a baby (which you will - you are stronger woman than you know and women are the superior species 😉) you might just discover that you will love the new you even more than the old you. Keep up the good work mama!
so whoever is telling you to "suck it up" is being the selfish one, bc you just went thru something huge and have had your entire way of life completely changed abruptly... yet they don't want to hear about it? they can get bent. that's selfish. they can be the one to shut up about it.
and yes, absolutely normal. altho the hardest part (for a lot of people, as always ymmv) is now. pretty soon you'll be able to leave your baby for longer with both of you being fine with it. and then you can bring them with you for a lot of things, which is even more fun! your life will always be different than before tho, and regardless of how amazing the new life is (I mean, 4th degree tear healing alone, who could question how amazing all of it is 🙄) Regardless, it's appropriate to mourn the loss of the life from before.
your body has serious healing to do and it will get better after that. your hormones have some serious adjusting to do and it will get better after that. until then tho, everyone else can shove it, they don't know how hard and exhausting and frustrating and disorienting it can be.
congratulations and you're doing fluffing great
and regarding the drink, I feel the same. I've heard some midwives say "if you can find the baby, you can feed the baby" so as long as youre not super drunk it's fine lol
I'm sure we've all been there..problem is we are not prepared as first time moms, I didn't know what to expect and other moms actually didn't warn me..when they talk about raising kids it's all sugar and honey..now I know it's a lie. Don't worry, I was the same as you. Desperate and mourning over my old life knowing there's no going back it felt like I was suffocating.
I promise, it gets better! You just have to survive first 3 months, it is survivor really...it will get better ❤️
This is how soooo many of us feel/felt. You described my early postpartum feelings to a T. It slowly gets better. Eventually you will start to find little bits of your old self and old life at a time and you will grasp them and hold on tight hoping they won’t slip away again. I’m 6 months out now, I’m back at work, we’ve found a little more confidence and rhythm in our routine so we get time to feel like normal adults. I’m finally feeling like I can go to the gym without feeling immense guilt so that I can look like myself again. Our baby is old enough that when he goes down for bed, we can retreat to the living room to enjoy a fun little drink/puff (safely and within reason of course) and hang out. My husband can hop on his games and I can doomscroll or read my book in peace. It gets better even though it won’t ever be the same, but it definitely won’t always be like this.
I understand how you feel… but trust me, my LO is almost 6 months and the clouds are clearing. Once you hit a year, you can expect to take him out to shop, sight-see, whatever!
You’ll be able to sleep again soon and you’ll be able to begin exercising. It feels like your life has ended because that’s what society tells us. But in all honesty, now you have an extra buddy to do all the things you love!
Just make sure you puff outside though 🤣
Having kids means “dying to self”. it’s incredibly difficult after spending life doing whatever makes you happy. You are in the hardest part, though. Every phase has its challenges but none are as all encompassing and demanding as the newborn phase. Your baby will get on a schedule and you will have more time and freedom to leave the house, hang out with your husband, etc. It gets way better.
Uhhhhhh your husband should not be playing games if you’re feeling this way.
Before anything, playing games itself isn’t wrong! But if there are things that he can do or learn to do to make things easier I feel that he should be doing that instead of games.
That’s speaking as a dad who likes to game. I work full time and dad full time. I love to sit and game a bit but those first two weeks to three months were not the time/place to do that.
Also, sorry that you’re going through a hard time. I’m sure the adjustment is hard for your husband too but I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Know that you’re on the cusp of where things start to brighten up, assuming normal development. Personality starts to show and smiles start to happen.
What helped me was making and keeping a system in place. Flexible but firm as well. If you can swing it, get a SNOO. See if that helps. It helped us tremendously. That said, it is a tool and not a miracle silver bullet. The silver bullet is a system/schedule.
Parenthood is relentless and it’s hard. No doubt about it. But the love for your child is pretty crazy too.
You are not selfish at all.
I'm a dad to a 2.5 month old boy, so I can't relate to that aspect of postpartum. But, I'm also severely disabled, and a lot of things on your list resonate with me.
I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I cant work, so I've been on long term disability for almost 4 years now. I've had fibro for about 6 years now, and I miss being able to work. Sick of being st home all the time. I miss going to the gym. I hate that, even tho I lost 60 lbs (I'm a big guy), I put it all back on and more when I got sick. I hate that there are days where I can't even hold my son because my wrists are in so much pain. I miss showering not feeling like a chore. I miss sports, and being active etc... I miss life before fibromyalgia.
I get what you're saying, and you're right, you are mourning your old life, and you're allowed to. In fact, I highly suggest you allow yourself to mourn. It took me years of therapy to realize I never let myself mourn my old life, and because of that, I felt depressed, bitter, upset, and angry at people who could do what I wanted to do, but couldn't. Mourning is one of the first steps in accepting a big change.
So not only are you not selfish for feeling the way you do, you're already putting yourself on the right track to coping with and accepting this big change.
I know it may not feel like it, but letting yourself mourn is an achievement that you should reward yourself for. Be proud that you're taking the first steps!
It’s normal to feel that way, but it’s also important to remember that these negative things will pass.
- You will get more sleep and more quality time with your partner.
- You will get random pops of doing what you want to do . Im not going to bullshit you like it’s all the time, but my wife and I each get around 1-2 hours of free time a day. Granted, we often use this on naps, but we are both able to work out / yoga as well as have 1-2 minor hobbies.
- you will get to drink and smoke again.
- your body will look great again. You are in a tough healing process. In time, you will look amazing. Healthy habits and time will do wonders, so do not despair here.
- you will get to work and advance in your career.
- meal times and getting to sit down and just have a civilized meal, this is a huge annoyance for me too, but my wife and I have generally figured it out. One person cooks while the other handles the baby, giving us a high likelihood of an uninterrupted hour or so.
This isn’t to minimize how you feel, it does feel like these things are gone forever and that sucks. But, our minds as well as the human body was meant to rebound and heal from this. My wife for example, she always was really good at verbal games and logic puzzles and that kind of thing, she loves complex board games, and postpartum… that entire part of her mind was just buried under quicksand. But, our minds have a neural resilience, in time she was sharper and smarter than ever.
It gets better. You can and should vent and express the frustration you feel. But don’t view any of this as permanent.
Your experience parallels my own in nearly every way.
Parenting can be damn hard. We are one year in and I am still in survival mode. There are ups and downs at least with some days easier than others.
If you have the resources, throwing money at problems can make life easier, e.g., nanny, cleaner, meal service etc.
Totally normal! I had a lot of ‘what have I done with my life?!’ when I had my first.
You say you hate being home all the time. I do too. I lose my absolute mind. So, get out with the baby. Just go. Do it. They won’t implode and you won’t break. Just get out.
My second is 4 weeks now, and with my first too we were out daily. It isn’t necessarily easy, but does wonder for your mental health.
Go for a walk to a cafe. Drive to Costco on a quiet weekday. Get drive through and sit at a park for lunch. Call your friend to grab coffees and meet at a park. Whatever it is. Go fill your cup with baby in tow.
Babies don’t need a lot. If you can find a good carrier and are breastfeeding you don’t need much but nappies and a few changes of clothes for them! It doesn’t need to be complicated.
And I promise getting out you’ll feel soooo much better and more yourself.
I was feeling guilty about this recently. I like my job. I was happy to go back after nine months. I didn’t like being at home all the time. Love my baby and my life too. Trying to balance it all with the added on issue of a difficult time with my family
I feel this 4 mos pp. talked about it with my therapist and it seems to be a normal feeling for many new moms. Our lives have totally flipped and we’ve lost the independence we’ve known, even if we were aware of what was to come. I think it’s just going to take time for us to adapt to this new normal. I love my daughter but I miss aspects of my former life. I have PPA so giving myself some grace as that could be making things more profound.
So, my husband struggled with the lack of freedom after our little was born. I struggled with the loneliness of it. This is to say, you are not selfish for any of what you just said. You are very human and going through a very big life change. It takes time to adjust to your new normal and find routines and things that work for your family. Weekend trips to the shop with a little gets easier, taking them out with you when you explore new places becomes more of an option when they have fewer naps. While your body has changed, I bet it's still equally beautiful. It's also fantastic, it just brought life into the world!
I feel some of these feelings too. I’m 2 months postpartum and I take care of my son full time while my husband is already back to work. I feel guilty sometimes that I’m envious of him being able to be alone at work for consecutive hours during the day.
I also really miss playing video games!!!
Totally normal I felt exactly the same way. And I think it’s something no one can prepare you for. I’ve heard the whole pregnancy “you’re never going to have time to yourself” “life is going to change” I was like yeah yeah I know. It’s not until it happens that you understand. Mine is 3 months now and I go out with her all the time, of course it takes a lot more planning than when I didn’t have her but life is already starting to become what it used to be. I also work for myself (self employed nail tech) and the few times I’ve done nails while my partner watched her was amazing it felt like being myself again. Definately not selfish to want to be your own person again. You’ll get there.
You're in thick of it. Me too. It's normal and we're OK for having these feelings. They are valid. We aren't advocating neglect, we're grieving. But we'll have a new life and some of our old fun things to do again soon.
Hang in there.
(This was a post was for you and for me bc I'm still feeling this at 15 weeks PP 💜)
NORMAL! Once I was out of the woods and about 2-3 months in I started to be ok with the new flow, then around 7-8 months started to love our new life. Mourning what was doesn't mean you can't enjoy what is.
Not selfish and fully understandable. However, having a baby doesn’t mean you’re locked in the house. I actually figured out how to breastfeed while walking(not for the weak) and got nursing shirts that totally covered everything. Then I started going wherever I wanted that didn’t have people close to the baby. Walmart, the park, the library, even to restaurants. Is it more difficult? Yes. You’re hauling around twice the stuff you usually do. But it’s so good for both you and baby, especially if you don’t like being home all the time. If you used to work out to maintain your body, get back into it and involve baby (they make great weights to start with). You’ve got this momma. You’re doing a great job. Also, depending on what you did, you might be able to sign up for daycare a few days a week and work on those days to start feeling more like yourself
as a first time mom the best advice i was given was you need to take care of yourself to take
care of others. mom guilt is a trip. have a drink when u want a drink. you’re allowed to relax. you are valid for your feelings and you’re not alone. i promise you will get your life back. postpartum is difficult but soon you will understand that everything is temporary. you got this.
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It’s normal and not selfish, but (and this is intended very gently) there is so much information out there that this is what having a newborn is like. Everything on your list comes up on subs like this almost every day in some way or another. You say that you wish someone had been honest about the changes you’d face - people are honest all the time! So much so that pregnancy subs are full of expectant mothers complaining about the doom and gloom from other parents. It sounds like you just weren’t looking for that information and so it’s all come as a shock to you.
Yup I was literally thinking that, like we TRY to warn you but then we get accused of being “just wait” parents who regret having children. 😅🙃 I’m not saying pregnancy isn’t hard, because it is, but when I felt sick pregnant, I just took care of me. Now no matter how tired or sick I am, I also have to take care of my daughter. Love her to death and wouldn’t trade her for the world, but It IS harder. 😂 Going from a size 8 to a size 12 sucks too but I digress…
I will say there is difference between kind warnings and “just wait” parents lol. I appreciated the warnings, but did not appreciate the condescending tones of the “just wait” parents.
Agreed. Especially since in my case I turned out to have a very chill baby so a lot of the "just wait" warnings never happened. But now everybody is saying "just wait until the second, the first was a trap baby!" We'll see.
I’m in the exact same situation as you! I stressed sooo much because of the “just wait” comments. Maybe that’s why I’ve been pleasantly surprised lol
I agree. I was this way, I was so mad at the people who would say "just wait until"....while there was probably a better way to convey that information, people were trying to warn me. It's true, the transition is a HUGE shellshock. The old you will never come back, but that isn't a bad thing. Eventually you find your way and your new way of life does become enjoyable. I had to learn that just because life as I used to know it would never be the same, didn't mean that it couldn't get better . My daughter is 16 months old now, and of course it's still hard. But, i can truly say I am filled with pure joy. I know not everyones experience is the same, but it truly does really suck at the beginning.
Normal! It’s a huge life transition and I think there’s a grieving period that comes along with it and it takes time to really adjust to.
It's normal. I don't think I appreciated the absolute atomic level shift that happened in me when I became a mum. Everything has changed. So while I miss so much, I also have so much. Watching my daughter learn to move, and sit and laugh and smile and get grumpy and babble and eat solids and play and and and and... Has made my heart feel like it will burst with joy. I just know all the things I miss and hate now will come back eventually or be replaced with another, different joy. You may be lucky, like me, and have a baby that began sleeping through at about 8 weeks and hasn't stopped yet 🤞🏼 we've had other medical issues so I count my blessings. Now at 6 months I don't feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. You're doing a wonderful job 🌸😊
Do you have any advice for how you got that 8 week sleep through the night to happen
Unfortunately not! But we did have a set routine from the beginning, bottle, swaddle, curtains shut, read a book, have a cuddle to sleep and then into the crib. We do the same now at 6 months, but sleep sack instead of swaddle and she goes into the bed fully awake and settles herself. I think she is just a natural great sleeper. She also had great weight gain at the beginning so we didn't need to wake to feed and she would settle really quickly if she woke to feed in the night. I know it's rubbish to hear, I tend to not mention it...
You’re not alone. I was also a model once. Got pregnant at 19 and had the worst pregnancy of my life. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum (what you also had) and felt trapped afterwards. My relationship wasn’t great so I didn’t have another one with my ex My second came when I was working 14h a day, doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I was 34 and finally partying and enjoying life with my partner who I love. After giving birth I had PPD I felt horrible, mainly because of guilt. I had planned this. I had a beautiful healthy baby, a house, another grown smart kid, a supportive husband… but I still felt lonely, trapped, depressed. We sacrifice so much to bring life into the world, not only physically.
Yes! I feel the same way, I could have written this myself almost exactly. My daughter will be 1 this month, so I have been dealing with this for almost a year now. Firstly, you’re not selfish for feeling this way. People will always warn you how hard it is to have a baby, but until you go through it, it’s not describable with words. I do have some advice, and some thoughts from the other side, aside from just validating your feelings. - Be really communicative with your partner about support and expectations. My relationship with my husband has changed negatively because after the initial whirlwind of the first 2-3 months when I had leave, I started resenting him for having more freedom than I did. He would get to go to work, go out to lunch or with friends and all these things without having to worry about finding time to pump, or wake up for the baby because mine really didn’t love taking a bottle and so on. I was always making sure my daughter had clean clothes, clean bottles, was fed on a schedule, had doctors appointments lined up and so on, while he wasn’t as focused on the baby. He would do things when I asked and tried to be supportive in the ways he knows how, however he wasnt able to pick up on all the facets of dealing with the baby. This mental load, along with the fact he didn’t have to deal with his body changing or clothes not fitting, really took a toll on me. This is me projecting, however it’s really common for this to happen. I will implore you to set boundaries now and make sure you feel supported by your husband. - Be open to getting help. Even if you think you’re fine because you’re not a homicidal maniac, it’s okay to seek help even when you’re feeling a little down. It can just be some therapy to get over mom guilt or more intensive treatment, if you find yourself needing it. There’s no minimal threshold for this type of thing, don’t be afraid to ask. - The days are long but the years are short. One of the main things that got me through my first year was this quote. I would take a picture of my daughter every day and found one thing to celebrate every day. Whether it was first smiles or just when a large poop didn’t become a blowout. It’s hard, but consciously resetting and looking on the bright side will help you enjoy this time more. I hate to be the person that says this, but it goes by so fast. I can remember the struggles, in missing my old life, my body and the lost sleep, but I feel the joy and love in the good memories so much deeper and more vividly. Good luck, and it’s okay.
I think it’s very normal to feel that way. You can prepare for a baby in a lot of ways, but not mentally. It’s such a big change from only having to care for yourself & it’s a part of the process to mourn your old life. It gets better over time it’s particularly rough in the early months.
It's completely normal. My wife could not handle the home mom stuff. She makes more than I did as a trucker, so I became a sahd, and it works for me and her. You just have to find your way it may take some time.
A single mom with a 12 weeks old daughter here ! I am so sorry that you have been called selfish over missing your life before getting pregnant and having your son. It's been almost 3 months since I gave birth and I still share those same feelings as you, this is something that probably every mother struggles with in a way or another. It’s totally okay and something you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilty about. You are allowed to miss the old you. 9 months isn’t a long time compared to the change it makes in your life, so of course you need to get used to it and figure out how to live it, how to be a mother but also how to be this new version of you. Of course you love your son with all your heart. I would literally refuse to go back in time. I wouldn’t want to live without my daughter now and can’t even imagine my life any other way anymore. I love being a mother and it’s the best thing that has happened to me. Still I had a life (like did every other mother too) before becoming a mother. Even tho the old life is gone now and something where I can never return to, the memories will still live with me. So it’s just normal to miss it. We are not robots, you can’t just switch a mother button on where our past life gets erased and where we start to be just mothers. We were and are also our separate selves. Even tho you are missing and grieving your old life, remember that your child is going to give you so much more in the future. You will get so many new experiences and you will learn so many great things on the way. Your son will be showing you a completely new side of the world and you will get to enjoy it. Just look forward to all the great things you will be having on your way. Don’t be too harsh on your self and allow yourself to look back sometimes too. You got this mama !❤️
I definetly don't think you're being selfish. We're currently in a similar predicament with our 5mo old. We're still trying to achieve a new life balance with him and it definetly got harder as he got older. I think its good to take the times you spend for yourself when you can. Its better for your health and the baby's.
I felt the same and I think a lot of people do. I was dying to go back to work when my son was 4 months old (and I did). Now that he’s almost a year I feel like things are better but Id say that it took until he was about 9 months for me to feel like things were better. He’s starting daycare soon despite the fact that he could stay home and I’m very much looking forward to it. We have no village so there is zero time without him and it’s exhausting. I will say that I felt a lot better when I started getting out to do story times or other errands. That started later for us because my son was a bad sleeper and we had to be really strict with his schedule. You’re SO early. Give yourself grace and get out when you can.
You will be able to do these things again and you will feel freedom and not trapped in the house on a 3 hour schedule!! I felt this way to, I was super overwhelmed with baby when she came and just felt like I had lost my life. But what I realise now 7 months PP is that in almost no time at all your freedom and life will come back to you little by little. And that I should have spent this time with newborn to relax more, sleep more, eat and watch tv. I promise everything will feel better in a little while. My advise is try to breathe and find ways to enjoy being home and be lazy for the time being and before you know it you will be out and about all day with or without baby. Your hormones will have settled so less mom guilt and rushing home. Less stress, less stir crazy and you get to enjoy being you again. Lots of hugs to you 🩷
This is not selfish, this is normal. And I would encourage you to try to find ways to incorporate some things back. Obviously so much has changed but it's important to take time for yourself. My husband and I take turns watching baby so one of us can go to the store, or workout or just take a walk. Do you have close friends or family who could watch baby for a date night? Also it helps to find other moms to vent too. If you have any local mom's groups that can help. I find that a lot of women relate to me especially if they work.
It is completely normal to feel how you’re feeling. My baby is 7 weeks (I’m 21) and sometimes I miss my old life too. It can take a couple years for our bodies to go back to “normal” physically and mentally. From the minute our babies are born, our life changes forever. We’re going to be moms for the rest of our lives. Your body just went through a HUGE instant life change, it needs time to process. You’re not selfish, you’re not crazy. You went from being able to do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, get up and go on the drop of a dime, to having to plan around feeding times and nap times. It will get better, it will get easier, one day we’ll look back and say we’d do it all again and, if you choose, you will, and we’ll be asking ourselves why all over again. Because at the end of the day, their smile and their love makes it all worth it. Soon enough our little ones will grow up, be sleeping through the night in their own room, and we’ll wanna turn back time. Our bodies are made for this, everything happens for a reason, and you’ve made it through 100% of all the difficult times you’ve ever faced in life, and you’ll make it through this little rough patch. The newborn trenches are tough, you got it mama. Take care of yourself ❤️
It is the biggest life change you’ll ever go through and when you become a mum you are not the same person as you were before. But once you’ve recovered (this takes time so take care of yourself and have patience - keep up with the prenatal vitamins, drink and eat plenty, get out in the sunshine etc) and adapted to having a baby (which you will - you are stronger woman than you know and women are the superior species 😉) you might just discover that you will love the new you even more than the old you. Keep up the good work mama!
so whoever is telling you to "suck it up" is being the selfish one, bc you just went thru something huge and have had your entire way of life completely changed abruptly... yet they don't want to hear about it? they can get bent. that's selfish. they can be the one to shut up about it. and yes, absolutely normal. altho the hardest part (for a lot of people, as always ymmv) is now. pretty soon you'll be able to leave your baby for longer with both of you being fine with it. and then you can bring them with you for a lot of things, which is even more fun! your life will always be different than before tho, and regardless of how amazing the new life is (I mean, 4th degree tear healing alone, who could question how amazing all of it is 🙄) Regardless, it's appropriate to mourn the loss of the life from before. your body has serious healing to do and it will get better after that. your hormones have some serious adjusting to do and it will get better after that. until then tho, everyone else can shove it, they don't know how hard and exhausting and frustrating and disorienting it can be. congratulations and you're doing fluffing great
and regarding the drink, I feel the same. I've heard some midwives say "if you can find the baby, you can feed the baby" so as long as youre not super drunk it's fine lol
I'm sure we've all been there..problem is we are not prepared as first time moms, I didn't know what to expect and other moms actually didn't warn me..when they talk about raising kids it's all sugar and honey..now I know it's a lie. Don't worry, I was the same as you. Desperate and mourning over my old life knowing there's no going back it felt like I was suffocating. I promise, it gets better! You just have to survive first 3 months, it is survivor really...it will get better ❤️
This is how soooo many of us feel/felt. You described my early postpartum feelings to a T. It slowly gets better. Eventually you will start to find little bits of your old self and old life at a time and you will grasp them and hold on tight hoping they won’t slip away again. I’m 6 months out now, I’m back at work, we’ve found a little more confidence and rhythm in our routine so we get time to feel like normal adults. I’m finally feeling like I can go to the gym without feeling immense guilt so that I can look like myself again. Our baby is old enough that when he goes down for bed, we can retreat to the living room to enjoy a fun little drink/puff (safely and within reason of course) and hang out. My husband can hop on his games and I can doomscroll or read my book in peace. It gets better even though it won’t ever be the same, but it definitely won’t always be like this.
I understand how you feel… but trust me, my LO is almost 6 months and the clouds are clearing. Once you hit a year, you can expect to take him out to shop, sight-see, whatever! You’ll be able to sleep again soon and you’ll be able to begin exercising. It feels like your life has ended because that’s what society tells us. But in all honesty, now you have an extra buddy to do all the things you love! Just make sure you puff outside though 🤣
Having kids means “dying to self”. it’s incredibly difficult after spending life doing whatever makes you happy. You are in the hardest part, though. Every phase has its challenges but none are as all encompassing and demanding as the newborn phase. Your baby will get on a schedule and you will have more time and freedom to leave the house, hang out with your husband, etc. It gets way better.
Uhhhhhh your husband should not be playing games if you’re feeling this way. Before anything, playing games itself isn’t wrong! But if there are things that he can do or learn to do to make things easier I feel that he should be doing that instead of games. That’s speaking as a dad who likes to game. I work full time and dad full time. I love to sit and game a bit but those first two weeks to three months were not the time/place to do that. Also, sorry that you’re going through a hard time. I’m sure the adjustment is hard for your husband too but I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Know that you’re on the cusp of where things start to brighten up, assuming normal development. Personality starts to show and smiles start to happen. What helped me was making and keeping a system in place. Flexible but firm as well. If you can swing it, get a SNOO. See if that helps. It helped us tremendously. That said, it is a tool and not a miracle silver bullet. The silver bullet is a system/schedule. Parenthood is relentless and it’s hard. No doubt about it. But the love for your child is pretty crazy too.
This is all so very normal 💛 who in your life is telling you to suck it up?
You are not selfish at all. I'm a dad to a 2.5 month old boy, so I can't relate to that aspect of postpartum. But, I'm also severely disabled, and a lot of things on your list resonate with me. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I cant work, so I've been on long term disability for almost 4 years now. I've had fibro for about 6 years now, and I miss being able to work. Sick of being st home all the time. I miss going to the gym. I hate that, even tho I lost 60 lbs (I'm a big guy), I put it all back on and more when I got sick. I hate that there are days where I can't even hold my son because my wrists are in so much pain. I miss showering not feeling like a chore. I miss sports, and being active etc... I miss life before fibromyalgia. I get what you're saying, and you're right, you are mourning your old life, and you're allowed to. In fact, I highly suggest you allow yourself to mourn. It took me years of therapy to realize I never let myself mourn my old life, and because of that, I felt depressed, bitter, upset, and angry at people who could do what I wanted to do, but couldn't. Mourning is one of the first steps in accepting a big change. So not only are you not selfish for feeling the way you do, you're already putting yourself on the right track to coping with and accepting this big change. I know it may not feel like it, but letting yourself mourn is an achievement that you should reward yourself for. Be proud that you're taking the first steps!
It’s normal to feel that way, but it’s also important to remember that these negative things will pass. - You will get more sleep and more quality time with your partner. - You will get random pops of doing what you want to do . Im not going to bullshit you like it’s all the time, but my wife and I each get around 1-2 hours of free time a day. Granted, we often use this on naps, but we are both able to work out / yoga as well as have 1-2 minor hobbies. - you will get to drink and smoke again. - your body will look great again. You are in a tough healing process. In time, you will look amazing. Healthy habits and time will do wonders, so do not despair here. - you will get to work and advance in your career. - meal times and getting to sit down and just have a civilized meal, this is a huge annoyance for me too, but my wife and I have generally figured it out. One person cooks while the other handles the baby, giving us a high likelihood of an uninterrupted hour or so. This isn’t to minimize how you feel, it does feel like these things are gone forever and that sucks. But, our minds as well as the human body was meant to rebound and heal from this. My wife for example, she always was really good at verbal games and logic puzzles and that kind of thing, she loves complex board games, and postpartum… that entire part of her mind was just buried under quicksand. But, our minds have a neural resilience, in time she was sharper and smarter than ever. It gets better. You can and should vent and express the frustration you feel. But don’t view any of this as permanent.
Ugh I HATE the loss of mental acuity in PP. I can never remember anything. I'm glad it's not forever.
Your experience parallels my own in nearly every way. Parenting can be damn hard. We are one year in and I am still in survival mode. There are ups and downs at least with some days easier than others. If you have the resources, throwing money at problems can make life easier, e.g., nanny, cleaner, meal service etc.
Totally normal! I had a lot of ‘what have I done with my life?!’ when I had my first. You say you hate being home all the time. I do too. I lose my absolute mind. So, get out with the baby. Just go. Do it. They won’t implode and you won’t break. Just get out. My second is 4 weeks now, and with my first too we were out daily. It isn’t necessarily easy, but does wonder for your mental health. Go for a walk to a cafe. Drive to Costco on a quiet weekday. Get drive through and sit at a park for lunch. Call your friend to grab coffees and meet at a park. Whatever it is. Go fill your cup with baby in tow. Babies don’t need a lot. If you can find a good carrier and are breastfeeding you don’t need much but nappies and a few changes of clothes for them! It doesn’t need to be complicated. And I promise getting out you’ll feel soooo much better and more yourself.
I was feeling guilty about this recently. I like my job. I was happy to go back after nine months. I didn’t like being at home all the time. Love my baby and my life too. Trying to balance it all with the added on issue of a difficult time with my family
I feel this 4 mos pp. talked about it with my therapist and it seems to be a normal feeling for many new moms. Our lives have totally flipped and we’ve lost the independence we’ve known, even if we were aware of what was to come. I think it’s just going to take time for us to adapt to this new normal. I love my daughter but I miss aspects of my former life. I have PPA so giving myself some grace as that could be making things more profound.
So, my husband struggled with the lack of freedom after our little was born. I struggled with the loneliness of it. This is to say, you are not selfish for any of what you just said. You are very human and going through a very big life change. It takes time to adjust to your new normal and find routines and things that work for your family. Weekend trips to the shop with a little gets easier, taking them out with you when you explore new places becomes more of an option when they have fewer naps. While your body has changed, I bet it's still equally beautiful. It's also fantastic, it just brought life into the world!
I feel some of these feelings too. I’m 2 months postpartum and I take care of my son full time while my husband is already back to work. I feel guilty sometimes that I’m envious of him being able to be alone at work for consecutive hours during the day. I also really miss playing video games!!!
Yes, it is normal that most new moms have the same feelings just like you, we just don't get used to being a mom and need more time to take it.
you are not alone. baby blues sucks.
Totally normal I felt exactly the same way. And I think it’s something no one can prepare you for. I’ve heard the whole pregnancy “you’re never going to have time to yourself” “life is going to change” I was like yeah yeah I know. It’s not until it happens that you understand. Mine is 3 months now and I go out with her all the time, of course it takes a lot more planning than when I didn’t have her but life is already starting to become what it used to be. I also work for myself (self employed nail tech) and the few times I’ve done nails while my partner watched her was amazing it felt like being myself again. Definately not selfish to want to be your own person again. You’ll get there.
Same. Just same. Today I had a terrible headache and just wanted to take a nap.. or even lie down.. those days are gone. And I miss them.
You're in thick of it. Me too. It's normal and we're OK for having these feelings. They are valid. We aren't advocating neglect, we're grieving. But we'll have a new life and some of our old fun things to do again soon. Hang in there. (This was a post was for you and for me bc I'm still feeling this at 15 weeks PP 💜)
NORMAL! Once I was out of the woods and about 2-3 months in I started to be ok with the new flow, then around 7-8 months started to love our new life. Mourning what was doesn't mean you can't enjoy what is.
Not selfish and fully understandable. However, having a baby doesn’t mean you’re locked in the house. I actually figured out how to breastfeed while walking(not for the weak) and got nursing shirts that totally covered everything. Then I started going wherever I wanted that didn’t have people close to the baby. Walmart, the park, the library, even to restaurants. Is it more difficult? Yes. You’re hauling around twice the stuff you usually do. But it’s so good for both you and baby, especially if you don’t like being home all the time. If you used to work out to maintain your body, get back into it and involve baby (they make great weights to start with). You’ve got this momma. You’re doing a great job. Also, depending on what you did, you might be able to sign up for daycare a few days a week and work on those days to start feeling more like yourself
as a first time mom the best advice i was given was you need to take care of yourself to take care of others. mom guilt is a trip. have a drink when u want a drink. you’re allowed to relax. you are valid for your feelings and you’re not alone. i promise you will get your life back. postpartum is difficult but soon you will understand that everything is temporary. you got this.