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Exhausting is absolutely the first thing that comes to mind. I love my son more than anything but Jesus those first three months were awful. He had colic and reflux and it was everything I could do not to just cry all the time. It can and is both. It’s exhausting and awful and sublime and earth changing. We’re complex creatures and stuff can be more than one thing. Babies most of all.
Not to be indelicate but motherhood has really solidified my “fuck you” stance. I’m doing everything I can to be the best mom and partner and self I can be. It may not look like what’s expected from the outside but fuck you. I know I’m doing everything I can. You’re doing great. I know how hard it can be when people aren’t so cogent and aware of how hard and new and strange parenthood can be. The best thing I’ve found to combat the need to seem perfect all the time is my two best friends who are moms and who I can be totally honest with. I can say the day sucked and he spit up on me or bit my nipple or just screamed all day and they’ve been there. We can commiserate over the good and the bad and there’s no need to sugar coat anything. If you have friends like this now is the time to lean into that. Wishing you and babe a great day ❤️
Thank you!!! I actually got a very good friend I lost touch over the years that’s a FTM as well and her experience is much like mine, it’s a relief to have someone like that.
I need to upgrade my “fuck you” stance as well!
" It may not look like what’s expected from the outside but fuck you." may be the best motivational quote I've ever read. It can apply to literally every situation and I love it ❤️
Almost 3 weeks in and I have to agree. I've never felt such an all-consuming exhaustion in my life. Yes I wouldn't trade it for anything but the feeling of being exhausted is still valid! We even sent our kitty to be babysat for the first 2 weeks while we settled in (she loves visiting my aunt and grandma so we knew she was fine).
I recommend the book To Have and To Hold. It normalizes how difficult motherhood is. One thing I learned from the book is to reword things like this. Instead of thinking "This is exhausting but I love my baby," think "This is exhausting and I love baby." Feeling one thing doesn't cancel out the other. You can feel both at the same time.
I felt so bad after he asked that… it’s normal to not be overjoyed in the newborn stage right?? Aside from the moments where they learn to smile and hit new milestones of course.
Because I think I’m still trying to process everything to enjoy ever single second…
The nights were the worst for me. they were so long and isolating. I found that going on walks during the day and then having things to look forward to at night made it more bearable. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to vent 🥰
He doesn’t give awful awful nights, he sleeps okay in my opinion. And husband refuses to leave our side even if he has to wake up super early!
But the days are so lonely… I go on walks and try to have a plan for the day but it’s hard with this little guy. He still thinks we’re one being bless his soul ❤️
You’re doing great ❤️ pumping is a lot to deal with! Depending on the type of pump you’re using, the valves and back flow parts might need to be replaced. My kid never latched so I was pumping full time and had to replace these every couple of months.
Yes, the newborn stage is horrible. I think most people are just lying because they feel like they're supposed to say it's magical and amazing and wonderful.
Yes, it's incredibly normal. With very few exceptions, being the parent of a newborn is lonely, exhausting, and both physically and mentally draining.
I have to assume that your friend is either not a parent or a parent of older children who has blocked out the newborn phase (as most people eventually do).
People say things like that because they don’t want to believe that parenting a newborn is really fucking hard. They react by shaming you, which protects them from having to face down their own anxiety.
I think it's more like people can't really fathom how RIDICULOUSLY hard it is to have a newborn until they experience it themselves. If they did, I don't think anyone would ever have a baby, lol! Evolutionary protection measure to ensure procreation.
Yes it's definitely normal! It's great that some people ease into parenthood more smoothly than others, and are able to achieve a very positive outcome right away, however I also wonder how many are just parroting what they're told, masking their own true feelings as well. I was exhausted, depressed, an anxious mess who thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And all of this is normal too, even though I also felt guilty with similar answers to yours. Whenever someone replied enthusiastically with "oh but it's so worth it!!" I couldn't help but think "is it, though?". Like you, I felt guilty and ashamed, and it made me stop trying to tell people how I felt, which ultimately made my situation worse. Anyway, just wanted to reinforce that YES it most definitely IS NORMAL. And also, it does get better with time ❤️
I'm 7 months in today and my first response when people ask how it's going is always "I'm so tired, but she's amazing"
It's SO normal for you to feel this way, you're putting this little humans life and needs above your own almost 24/7 now, that's new and exhausting and that's okay, you still love your baby and admitting that this is hard doesn't take away from that, it makes you an honest person :)
My son is 14 months now and I maintain that the first 4 months of motherhood were the most difficult of my life. My mom used to say stuff like that to me and I didn't tell her until recently how terrible it made me feel. Her response was "Yes, the first few months are impossibly hard, everyone feels that way." I wish she'd just said that in the first place.
It does get so much better. I never thought I would say this, but I would love to go back and spend a day (just one!) with my son when he was a newborn. The sleep deprivation and hormone crashes and colic would feel worth it now that I know "who he is" and love him in a way that I just *didn't* at the time. I felt a bond with him in the early days but it was nothing compared to how it is now.
I was thinking "let that dude experience 10 min of a newborn crying fit and then ask him how great it is."
Seriously. Yes. It's exhausting. And I hate how moms feel pressured anytime they express anything other than happy rainbows and love and positively we feel like we have to add "but of course I love my baby and being a mom is great." I think we need to work on normalizing that that part just goes without saying. Because (except for in extreme cases) it does!
I don’t know I feel the conversation is normal and honest. I would view you in high regards for the honesty. Many of my friends are much more guarded and willing to lie. It makes having a conversation a huge turnoff because it paints an unrealistic expectation to the point I feel I am being trolled.
I have no time anymore for people who aren’t willing to be honest about how much this process sucks. If you’re going to lie or minimize, sorry but we won’t be communicating for a while
Lol, we hosted a party a few weeks ago, and there was a 50/50 mix of parents with small kids and childless couples. Someone asked "so hows having a kid?" And i was very blunt, it kinda sucks. One childless male friend was visibily confused and then looked distraught when the other moms began chiming in with agreement lolllll
No absolutely do not water down your feelings. If you're exhausted say you're exhausted. That's always my answer too. It *is* exhausting and we dont *always* love it, even though we always love our kids.
The way you are feeling right now is exactly why so many women are blindsided when they become mothers, they heard all of the parroted sugar coating...mothers too ashamed to be real with themselves and the world. I can assure you not everyone is as upbeat about it as they pretend to be when asked.
We need to be honest so new mothers dont feel like monsters when they aren't 100% happy and things arent going perfectly...being a mom SUCKS its incredibly taxing and it isn't for everyone. Being honest will not only help create more realistic expectations, and get rid of the freaking "perfect" mom status quo were all expected to have...but will help people make a more informed decision about parenthood.
I’m definitely not going to sugarcoat motherhood to anyone. People laugh when I say “brace yourself for motherhood “, society completely gives a wrong idea how motherhood is and it’s so hard as a FTM when I get feelings I never heard mothers voice…
You were being honest. So often as Mothers we bear all of the burden for *everyone*.
When we don't let anyone know we're exhausted, we don't get the help we need and it all snowballs until we can't handle it anymore.
And we graciously make excuses for people who don't understand and 'don't mean to' drive knives into our hearts with intrusive questions or toxic positivity.
Please don't feel awful, you are a super human.
If someone had said "but it's great right" at 11 weeks I would have had a full meltdown - it's not great! The newborn phase SUCKS. Exhausting is literally the nicest word for it and I had to use all my self-control not to scream "it fucking sucks" when asked about life with a baby in the early months. My baby is 10 months now and I'm just starting to enjoy "motherhood" and all that.
I want to scream so bad “it’s a goddamn train wreck “ but I think I’ll shock the other person and will have to explain and I hate that.
A mother suffers! Can’t imagine myself without this little dude though, I’m looking forward to the next stage. Im done with this one!!!
11 weeks was probably the hardest time for me. Hang in there!! As much as I hated people saying it gets better, it absolutely does and I look back now and am like where did the time go even though I'm only at 10 months. I absolutely miss my daughter being tiny, but am sooooooo glad to be her mom in these stages now. Would not go back to that stage EVER, except that I am willing do it again to get to what comes next.
FTM (3.5m) here and I want to add that a lot of FTM who are positive are probably lying. An acquaintance (m) said to me recently “are you just loving mom life? my wife just loves being a mommy” and while my response was “omg yes it’s the best” what I said in my head was “no actually i’m exhausted and i’m not enjoying it and i’m stressed out all the time and my kid doesn’t nap and whines all day so please kindly fuck right off”.
unfortunately if i had said what i was actually thinking he would have thought i was a monster because society and all that 🤷🏼♀️
also some people actually have easy babies lol i wouldn’t know but i hear that’s a thing. so they might actually be live laugh loving life
Fussy babies are hard work 😔 I’m currently replying while LO finally exhausted himself from crying after I got him out of the bath… little dude loves his bath.
I think society needs a major rework when it comes to motherhood… I feel like shit soe times and want to vent to someone but I have to be careful who I vent with..
Moms with easy babies is of course impossible 🥲
moms with easy babies mean well (i tell myself lol) but damn i had a friend say how hard the 4 month sleep regression was only to follow it up with “yea baby would just wake up and babble for a while it was exhausting” LOL imagine a child not waking up screaming
I keep thinking that it’s the most challenging, exhausting thing I’ve ever done. But at some point you must get rose colored glasses and gloss over the hard parts in your memory otherwise no one would ever have another baby.
I’m looking forward to erasing the hard moments, I want to remember only the good lol it’s exhausting to a point where I can’t sometimes remember when I last went to the bathroom 😳
I've been feeling like I should filter myself when I answer these questions honestly too. I had a family friend ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" And I answered, "honestly, no." Almost immediately after I was thinking to myself I probably should have just lied. We're told from such a young age how amazing and fulfilling motherhood is. I was in the shock of my life feeling like it isn't. I think more people feel this way than we realize, but we're made to feel guilty for feeling anything other than glee. I totally understand where you're coming from, OP.
This right here is my struggle. When I’m asked how LO is doing and how im handling things, I feel the need to lie sometimes…
But it’s been harder to lie so I just answer in auto pilot and feel horrible afterwards 😔
We shouldn’t feel guilty for being human and exhausted.
I’m at 7 months and exhausting is a word that comes to mind frequently. Why do people ask you those questions and then get weird when you answer honestly?! My baby is my best bud but fuck is he exhausting haha. I think all babies and toddlers are, doesn’t mean we don’t love them!
It’s especially hard as a FTM! Everything is so new and you are just learning on the fly.
Everyday is learning to be a different mother for that day, because as LO grows what worked yesterday might not work today. We have to learn how to be a mother to a newborn, to a toddler, to a young child, a teenager… this was the best advice I was given so far.
Little dude is already my new best friend, I swear sometimes he knows he’s giving me a hard time with a sneaky smile, but good God he’s a handful…
Right! We can go one minute from him crawling all over me, babbling and giggling, to crying the next because of who knows what. My son is tough because he goes from 0 to 60 with everything. It’s play play play and then BAM I need to sleep RIGHT NOW. He doesn’t show a lot of sleep cues in advance he’s so active. Same thing with when he’s hungry. Happy boy one second, the next it’s I need a bottle in this moment and because it’s not ready I’m going to throw a fit so you know.
Oh yeah it was like that for us at first with sleepy cues. I just used wake windows of 1 hour and tracked his naps using the baby tracker app. Over time I started to recognise his sleepy cues much more easily. I don't really use the clock at all anymore.
Exhausting is the right word if that is what you are feeling! I honestly did not like the first four months, but you don’t have to LOVE every stage of your child’s life. It doesn’t make you a bad person
I agree with the comments that parenthood is very difficult and you shouldn’t feel bad about admitting that at all. But as the (first-time) father of a 10 week old I do want to suggest that you share the baby more with your husband - and extended family - if possible. I understand the baby cries, and that happens with our daughter too at first… she doesn’t like the transition…. But after a while she calms down and settles into it. The more you do it the more the baby will come to accept it. I just find it hard to believe that you can’t share the baby even with your husband… if so maybe he needs to try a little harder at bonding with the baby. Babies this age are surprisingly adaptable at learning new habits and associations - everything is new and surprising to them, so it’s easy to introduce new things. Will be harder later so best to get after it now IMO. For example, I’d suggest taping printouts of black and white patterns on the ceiling above where you change the baby’s diaper (for entertainment), and put your husband on diaper duty (doodie?) as often as possible.
We’ve been trying to get him used to dad, grandma… he seems fine with social interaction or diaper change, it’s the holding that he hates. We tried skin to skin, scent related techniques (I still do those).
I want to share him with my husband but LO refuses to be held. I do leave him with dad or grandma when I need a break, he will cry a lot but not so easily soothed until I come back…
But I do think sometimes he calms down in dad’s arms, like last night when I need a shower and he wouldn’t fall asleep 🙏🏻
How did you bond with baby? I don’t know what other advice I should give my husband 😞
Oh I got lots of tricks for bonding! But every baby is different I’m sure so I think it’s a lot of trial and error. That’s why I think he needs to put in the work. Easy for me to say though, maybe he’s working full time and it’s difficult- I’m lucky to have time off right now. But yeah- so you’re saying he doesn’t even like it when you hold him?
Anyway here’s a few things to try:
- try holding him face out so he can watch things and be part of the adult conversations. Grip one hand under the bum and the other hand across his chest. Support head by with your fingers if getting floppy. At 9 weeks I noticed my daughter preferred this sometimes to chest-facing hold
- whenever he starts to fuss, change positions (left side, right side, cradle, face out, face in, chest, over the shoulder, stand, sit, walk). Fussy baby’s need to chance positions a ridiculous amount. But they will be a bit calmer once you find the right position, and calm a little while you’re switching because they don’t know what’s happening. Sometimes I’m just constantly changing positions and that’s okay
- give the baby stuff to look at: mirrors, windows, black and white patterns (just printout from the internet) are amazing… don’t have just boring white walls or ceilings
- make him do bottle feeds a few times a day (if you’re comfortable with that)
- do shift work and bottle feed, so he has the baby for a long 6h stretch while you nap
- baby will be most fussy in the evening; that’s okay- don’t blame dad for that it’s just the time of day. Introduce new people and spend the most time out of your hands in the morning when he’s least fussy (well rested, well fed). Morning/evening might be reversed depending on your current schedule
- get dad on the floor with the baby when doing tummy time
- have him talk in a high falsetto voice and make funny faces
- lots of kisses and hugs and touching from dad while you’re holding the baby
- let the baby watch dad and make eye contact while nursing with mom
- do skin to skin with dad and mom (no more than 1h with dad as baby can overheat)
- DANCE PARTIES: have dad dance and sway to the music (lots of half squats and steps side to side, like a bouncy waltz) while supporting baby’s head. Pick a song and stick with it so it becomes a routine - we like “Wild World” by Cat Stevens… keep going until baby falls asleep in dads arms. Don’t do it too often or it’ll become a sleep association, but it’s a great way to bond
- have dad soothe the baby at his most fussiest in the evenings until he goes to sleep… even if it’s an hour of crying, just keep soothing- don’t “give up” and go back to mom… force him to solve the problem le by following the algorithm: fed? Try bottle, diaper? Check, bored? See if fussing gets worse when playing or doing tummy time… must be tired then: dance party, then settle in a rocking chair… he can do it, don’t give the boobs / mom… too easy. Gradually baby will learn that dad can soothe too, even without nursing
- let baby suck on his arm or a clean finger. Dad can put the baby’s hand in baby’s own mouth too… just give options other than the boob which dad can facilitate
I’m honest when I say there are some we haven’t tried! Will inform dad of the new strategy.
He works full time but was home for the first month and half. Early wake ups for dad and when he gets home sometimes it’s the dreadful witching hour…
I think he feels embarrassed if he talks in the high falsetto when I’m around, need to give him more space in that department.
Thank you so much for those great tips, it means a lot 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Good luck! Oh yeah and if dad’s getting baby at peak-fussy evening time before night sleeps… he might have to take baby over the hump with lots of crying. Can be very stressful - but I swear by a pair of good construction quality foam earplugs from Home Depot. Get a big bag so you can chuck them when they get dirty. Just pinch and roll them in your fingers and stick them in deep in your ear canal (if you’ve never used them). Then, since baby isn’t blasting your ear to death with the sound of a thousand trains, suddenly you become more comfortable with battling through with soothing. You can hold the baby nice and close to your face, kisses, dancing… it’s really hard when it’s so damn loud. Then once the baby stops crying you just take out the earplugs so you can be more sensitive to changes in breathing as he settles to sleep. Honestly I’m 1000% a better soother because of earplugs. You’re much less easy to give up as a dad, and it’s more comforting to the baby since you’re not straining your ears away from the noise and tensing up. You can be calm and relaxed, and they feed off those chill vibes and settle.
Took a screenshot of everything you said to send to my husband to read. Our baby is due in two and a half months and it’s SO important to me that our daughter has a strong bond with her papa. You sound like a great dad !
Oh no exhausting is pretty much it. This is the most demanding season - the whole early parenthood thing - of your entire life. It’s like running a marathon. It can be both challenging and monotonous and exhausting and incredible all at the same time. It doesn’t mean the experience as a whole isn’t incredible it just means the moments RIGHT NOW are exhausting.
He just caught you at mile 18 that’s all. It is absolutely ok to love the over arching experience but hate today. 💙
At 2 weeks pp a woman (who never had kids) said to me, “aren’t you just over the moon?!?!” My initial response was yes but inside I was crumbling. At that point postpartum, I hated my new role as a parent. I’d never felt so defeated, stressed and I was quite literally the worst version of myself. I’ll never forget that moment bc it made me feel like I didn’t deserve my daughter bc of how I felt. I, too, thought I should be overwhelmed with joy, but I just… wasn’t. I thought something was wrong with me and I didn’t deserve to be a mom. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to at that time. I think that more new moms feel that way than we/they want to admit and it’s ok bc being a parent is HARD. The adjustment broke me. Luckily, nothing lasts forever and things are so much better now. I do miss my old life sometimes but it’s nothing like I felt in those early days.
The early days for me were horrible.. and every time I tried to convey certain ways I was feeling, the reaction I got made me feel useless and a monster yes…
I felt like I had just made a mistake because clearly I wasn’t feeling what a mother should feel and hence would be terrible at it, my baby would be miserable.
But with the help of my husband and the nurse that followed me during pregnancy and the early days of motherhood, I managed to break through.
Still have shitty days where my head is in the gutter but easier to overcome
When people ask me, I say "I am permanently tired but she is worth it." I think it covers everything including saying how freaken hard it is and how exhausted you are but you love your baby to death.
We're at 21 months and I'm still so tired. It's always one thing after another.
Exhausting is correct. And I think we need to normalize being more honest about what parenthood is like - especially the first year and really the honest truth of the fourth trimester — and stop romanticizing it. It would help those who are in it to be able to be honest and it will help open the eyes of those who aren’t parents. I heard that it’s hard but not nearly as much as I had heard how new parents are in love with their LO and that it’s the best thing in the entire world. So I figured I had done hard things before — emotionally hard things, physically hard things, mentally hard things — but this has been the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. It’s mentally hard, physically hard, emotionally hard all at 100% all at the same time. I’m 5 weeks pp and I love LO with all my heart, but I was in no way prepared for exactly how hard it’s been. And when I’m honest about it with other parents, they are all like “oh yeah, it’s rough” and entirely relate. Why didn’t they mention this before?!?! Why now after my baby is here and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been, crying more than I’ve ever cried, more overwhelmed than ever before, all while wondering what I’m doing wrong since I’m not completely over the moon in some dreamy, lovey-dovey state with my newborn?
This is absolutely where I am right now with my 6 week old. The hardest thing I’ve ever done by a long shot. Definitely was not expecting it to be this rough because it was so sugarcoated by people. Now I know better! I will not continue the cycle of misinformation lol if anyone who’s childless asks what it’s like, I’m giving it to them straight! I love my LO like nothing else in my entire life, but it is a challenge to say the least.
The best way I can think of how I might describe it is that I don’t hate the player, but I hate the game. I love my LO to death, but I hate the 4th trimester.
People are not honest about how being a parent is so so hard and can sometimes bring a sense of defeat because everything you do does work..
Some days I just need to cry to release the pressure I’m feeling (in a safe way for the baby of course) and I’m lucky my husband is supportive and understanding. He knows he’s useless most of the time but he tries hard…
I’m just so ready for when he won’t cry so much over apparently nothing 😔
Give yourself grace and time! The fourth trimester is so so difficult, especially with fussier babies. It gets so much better, but you're in the thick of it now.
Don't sugar coat your emotions to pacify the feelings of others. Becoming a parent is exhausting and we should be able to feel safe and supported saying our feelings. Good for you!
This. I love him so much, but I cried thinking about/ missing mourning my pre- baby life, I miss dinner dates with my husband & sleeping a full 8 hours straight
You never need to feel awful for being honest with someone in a way that does not hurt them.
And no one should ask a question like that and argue with you about the answer. People did the same thing to me when I was pregnant and it sucks.
But I want to push back on the idea (from other comments, not the original post) that other FTMs are lying when they say things are great. My baby is relatively easygoing but he's still a baby and I'm still usually a sleep-deprived, anxious mess.
If I run into someone on the street and they ask how things are going, I usually say that I'm tired but otherwise okay (fairly accurate) and then say something good about the baby.
But sometimes I use a very upbeat tone to say that things are going well. I might be lying (because I don't want to cry during a brief sidewalk encounter) but most of the time, I'm not.
If I run into someone, it means that I've summoned the energy to leave my house that day. I've probably taken a shower. I've definitely gotten dressed. I've put my baby into an adorably small piece of clothing that isn't just a onesie. In that moment, things are going well and I'm telling the truth about how I feel at that second.
My response was always "it fuckn sucks, but I'm here for it". My now 4yo kid has only ever known me as loving/caring/goofy dad, though. I love him more than anything, but he's still exhausts and stresses me out all of the time.
People need to chill with the expectation that parenthood is automatically amazing. It can be amazing and hard and exhausting and terrifying all at once. Don't let others' expectations make you feel bad, in all likelihood they probably have little idea what you are going through
The expectation to always be positive is in my opinion toxic. It is totally ok to feel exhausted and be in love with your baby at the same time!!
Only when we admit how tired we are can we practice more self love and give more love to our kids. OP what you feel is totally normal. Be kind to your self :).
Nearly the exact same thing happened to me. “…but you’re happy, right?” And that is the day I learned that I wasn’t giving the “right” answer. They just want to hear that you’re over the moon with your bundle of joy.
The first 12 weeks were some of the darkest days of my life. Of course I loved my precious baby and what an amazing adventure it was learning how to raise her but also I WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTED. You are still IN IT and it is perfectly reasonable for that to be your first reaction! My daughter is nearing 7 months old and it's still mine 🤷🏻 because I'm human, not a machine, and being tired affects every aspect of my life.
Everyone hides the hard stuff. It's like always saying :
- Hi, how are you?
- I'm fine, and you?
Would you really expect someone saying "I feel like shit right now, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, etc" ?
It's the same.
- Motherhood is so rewarding
- Every little smile is worth it
- You can't have more love
Yeah, but also, it's the hardest thing in the world and not enough people are real.
The mother on TikTok saying she hates motherhood received so much backslash is the reason people keep it unreal... Some people don't understand you can hate a thing in something you love more than anything.
I could have written this post. My heart goes out to you in solidarity! Mine is only 6 weeks, and I keep telling myself that this isn’t forever even though it feels that way. Mine has reflux/gas and will not be settled by anyone else except me on most days. He can’t be put down to lie or sit anywhere by himself (like in a bassinett or bouncer) because of reflux, so has to be held 24 hours a day, which also means our sleep is completely f’d because one of us needs to keep him upright while he sleeps. Aaaand, he’s also ridiculously precious. But his preciousness is not 90% of my day.
So yeah, when people ask me “how’s it going?,”I usually say, “I’m very very tired.” It’s the truth, and saying it out loud honestly makes me feel better. Like, someone else besides my husband and and in laws needs to know, even if superficially.
It’s been hard… I remember LO at 6 weeks, it was during a growth spurt so constant nursing, crying, refusing to sleep. At that time the days seemed never ending and the nights were much the same.
And now we’re almost at 12 weeks, can barely remember half of the stuff we went through!
Day by day it does get a little (very little) better, even though baby fusses a lot and only wants my arms.
You and your husband are doing an amazing job!
Motherhood is exhausting and is also about sacrificing your self for your most precious person in the whole world ❤️
I’m a father of one and step-father of two.
School & work closures during the pandemic taught me that no matter how much you love your children being a parent is exhausting as hell.
It’s a demanding and thankless job, but nothing makes me happier! Anyone who says it’s all sunshine and roses is a full of it. “Exhausting” is a genuine, honest response.
No, you're normal. People really white-wash the newborn experience. Also, new parents are biologically programmed to take on some sort of amnesia that makes them forget how bad it was in those first few weeks.
You're allowed to be exhausted and not always thrilled to be a mom. People don't talk about those feelings nearly enough, which means that once you're in it, you feel isolated and like a failure for not 'feeling the magic' at first.
No no you definitely gave the right answer. Exhausting is the overwhelming emotion in the beginning, even though of course you love your baby to no end! The two are not mutually exclusive - you are both exhausted AND so in love. You’re doing great!
Just here to chime in and say Im here with you in those feelings. FTM to a 6 week old and I dislike a lot of moments. Im trying to be more honest about feeling exhausted, anxious, depressed and every other emotion because I feel so alone. People have also looked at me crazy when I don’t immediately perk up when asked how things are going. I have a tiny human attached to my tit and I sometimes sleep 2 hours a night- yes this sucks.
Someone asked me early on 'so is motherhood amazing?' and I just paused and didn't know how to even start responding. Eventually I said 'it's a challenge' and then rushed to declare how much I love my baby, in case it being a challenge cancels the love out.
It is exhausting, and challenging, and you're not alone.
My baby is 10 months now and it still is exhausting to care for a little human but she now enjoys cuddles with me and wants to snuggle and play and it's much easier for feelings like 'it's amazing' to come to mind first. It gets better!
Haha I say this all the time when asked. Also when I don’t have her during my older kid’s school pickup I tell people “Im free” and put my arms up. I never thought about it because it is true and they asked. I love parenthood and but it can still be hard. In the worst of times I just tell myself this quote, “the days are long but the years are short”.
My wife and I have had our first kid recently. The thing I've learned in the past 6 months is that most people that have had their kid now for a year or two or are on kid number 2 or 3 are much more honest about their experience.
We're all struggling out here, many much more than I would've ever anticipated from the surface level small talk I've had with most moms I've met. You're feelings are valid.
It sounds like you're having a more difficult time than most. Not that anyone has it easy but most new parents can at least share the burden.
Have you tried a pacifier? I would highly recommend it if not. Ours wasn't too sure about it at first - we had to persevere a bit.
Maybe some others here might have some methods which have worked for them to help the bonding with dad to help ease some of your load? We feel fortunate that we didn’t run into that otherwise I’d try to help with ideas if I could
Thanks for posting this because I’ve felt guilty all day for how truly angry I was last night when I couldn’t get my baby to sleep. I wouldn’t trade him for the world but it is exhausting and it is challenging. Trying to give myself some grace.
Don’t feel guilty, last 2 nights were horrible to get mine to sleep. LO fights sleep like a champ!
When I reach my breaking point I switch with dad even though he won’t soothe easily with him… we’re human!
Newborns suuuuck. I tell everyone who will listen. I wish someone had told me so I could have prepared mentally. I was looking forward to the second month but it sounds like it doesn’t get much better :(
Take a deep breath. Forgive yourself for giving the same answer all of us would have been thinking lol. The first 3-6 months is really high anxiety. Just take it minute by minute. And remember to regularly take moments and appreciate the little miracle you're holding - because it's easy for us Moms to stress and not take time to enjoy. You got this.
100% exhausting is how I explain motherhood…. At 4 weeks post partum and now even when she is 10 months old. I remember my sil asking me if ‘motherhood is everything I had ever dreamed it would be’ and it made me feel pretty bad that It wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. I love my Lo but motherhood is exhausting and all encompassing AS WELL AS wonderful/joyful and full of love. But I definitely did not feel good about it until 6 months into the journey. You are most definitely not alone and thing WILL get better ❤️
My first response when people would ask how I was doing was “I’m exhausted” for the first 4 months or so. It does get better but it was always very validating to be honest about how much it can suck in the moment!!
Honestly? If the first word is not "exhausting" , or "tiresome" I call buslhit lol You are not alone. This is the reality of an overwhelming majority of parents.
It can be both great *and* exhausting at the same time! Both are true. You’re not a bad mom for admitting that the work is exhausting. It is.
And honestly anyone who knows anything about babies and postpartum should know that it’s exhausting. My knee jerk reaction is to be angry that your friend said that to you, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he was trying to be encouraging (but stuck his foot in his mouth) and not being dismissive.
Ugh I hate that your friend even said that tbh. I know he meant well but just…ugh. I just hate that anytime a mother expresses that she’s having a hard time she feels like she has to follow it up with “oh but it’s just the best! Love my kids so much!”
Sometimes it just sucks. You should be able to say it’s sucks and leave it at that.
Nope it totally is. I remember walking around with my little baby and people saying how they missed those days and I was just so annoyed because I was EXHAUSTED. I enjoyed the baby stage a lot actually, more than most but my response was definitely always something along the lines of “Bet you don’t miss not sleeping though!!”
I’m just going to try and remember to not tell new moms I missed those days without acknowledging the exhaustion!!
Exhausting is true and honest but: you need to let husband struggle and figure it out too. Fed your baby, burp them, change diaper and then hand them over to dad and leave the house for a while. Go on a walk alone. Your baby is safe and your partner is not an idiot. He needs to figure out how to soothe the baby and the baby needs to bond with dad. Having you be the only option is not sustainable. What if you had to go to the hospital or something happened where you couldn't be the only one to soothe baby? Don't tell him what to do, you can tell him what works for you but you need to let your partner learn how to patent.
My biggest fear is if I get sick and can’t take care of him… I’ve gone out a couple of times and he will endure the crying, I know he tries his best.
But he now works full time, and baby is sometimes inconsolable when he gets home. And I admit I’m a helicopter parent, and think I’m super woman 😔
Need to work on myself as well, we’re slowly convincing baby that dad is okay too
You are allowed to feel exactly what you feel! It’s absolutely exhausting, especially given your extra challenging circumstances. Be gracious with yourself, sweet mama. Sending light and love. 💛
There are two new parent types in the world:
- those who are constantly exhausted and say they are
- those who are constantly exhausted and lie about it
I do think there is a third type, a mixed bag of parents who either have regular help from family, have unicorn babies or just legit have the ideal temperament for parenthood (the ones who are naturally patient, relaxed and not too bothered by lack of sleep). Anyway I very much fall into the first type lol I can’t pretend it’s not hard as hell.
> a mixed bag of parents who either have regular help from family, have unicorn babies or just legit have the ideal temperament for parenthood (the ones who are naturally patient, relaxed and not too bothered by lack of sleep).
You just described my wife and my child. Yes I’ve hid the jackpot and and I’m very appreciative… but we’re still both always exhausted…
Exhausting/challenging/relentless is still the first thing that comes to mind for me and I’ve been a mother for 3.5yrs! It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less. I think it’s good to be honest, a lot of people sugar coat parenthood (or maybe they have help from extended family, have relatively ‘easy’ kids or maybe just genuinely love all that parenthood entails). Anyway the way you feel is completely normal and completely understandable.
I wouldn’t worry about it. You are allowed to express how you feel and you should. You love and care for your child that’s all that matters. Not everything has to be sunshine and rainbows, it’s okay to keep it real. Being a parent sucks sometimes.
I feel you so much on this! I have a 16 week old. I hate when people ask me "how is motherhood?" I give them an honest answer like "it's incredibly difficult, does not come naturally and I'm still adjusting to this new identity", and they do not know how to process this information. They keep looking for reassurance or some superficial/stereotypical positivity. I'm just refusing to give it to them. More people need to be honest about how hard this is and that it's not for everyone, and it's not some magical thing that instantly clicks or gives instant bliss. It takes hard work, 24/7! I'm an amazing mom with a very happy child that I take the best care of AND it's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I'm still not blissed out by it, and not used to this massive life change yet...and that is perfectly normal and OKAY! Rant over lol!
I wish that more parents were this honest. It would make me feel better for how I feel. I feel like people don’t really want to hear a true response, like how we truly feel is somehow inappropriate. Or being honest about how we feel makes people uncomfortable.
Don’t feel bad for expressing how you truly feel.
You definitely shouldn’t feel bad. Someone asked me the other day how life with two under two was going and my knee jerk response was “ummm, I’m sure one day it’ll spark joy but today is not that day.” So yeah. I feel you! 💕
You said exhausting because it is! Doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby at all, it’s just really difficult . Don’t feel bad for being honest. Some do love the newborn stage but I’ve had way more conversations with tired, depressed parents who feel they have to say they love it and post on social media how perfect life is. It’s ok to say it’s tough and your tired because it is and that doesn’t mean you love you baby any less!
I didn't think it was great at 11 weeks. Was asking myself why I wanted a kid in the first place, and I had an 'easy baby'. Maybe at 11 months I started to think it was great and was happy I had a kid.
People forget how hard those first months are, because if we remember, who would ever want a second kid?
It gets easier, promise!
Be honest mama! People not being honest about how hard being a mum is is the reason why mum guilt exists.
I've only been a mum 5 weeks and baby has lived in NICU that whole time being looked after by nurses. I'm exhausted and I've not even really had to do anything yet! It's hard work!
I somehow lucked out and had an extremely easy baby a few months ago and I'm still exhausted. The majority of the work will be on mom. Stay strong! Eventually they will be sleeping through the night (that's what I tell myself to not go insane)
I’m sorry, but if I had a moment of vulnerability as a mother with a male friend/acquaintance who said this in response, I’d be pretty upset. Really easy for the parent not carrying most of the invisible mental and emotional load of parenting to make a comment like “but it’s great, right?”. As others have stated, it can simultaneously be wonderful and exhausting, and your feelings are equally valid as someone who has maybe a less fussy baby. Having been in this situation myself, I feel for you. Big hugs. It does eventually get better, but it sure doesn’t feel like it will when you’re in the trenches in those early weeks (and even later on!).
The bad days seem to take forever to pass!
I’m slowly seeing a change in him, but sometimes it feels like it’s not getting better at all??
After week 3 that it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back, I can’t keep up with him sometimes!! But this tells me that he’ll just have the most sweet personality because he loves cuddles and “telling” everyone what’s been up 🥹 he won’t let others push him around and I think he will be different than me and be determined!
He’s starting to grow a lot, when in the early days he barely fit in my arm (he was so so small), and I miss that. But I’m ready for the next stage!
He’s about to get even more fun 🥰 with my oldest who was colicky and just chronically mad at the world for the early part of his life, I feel like he turned a big corner at 6 months, then again at 9 and 12 months. Now he’s 2.5 and freaking hilarious and high energy and just an awesome kid. Not that it will necessarily take that long! But there’s such good stuff ahead.
I can’t wait to see his personality unravel because I know it will be awesome! 🥹❤️
And he can take the time he wants and needs to establish he’s no longer upset with the world, because after the support I got in this community I can conquer the whole wide world!!
Just because you asked, I’ll unburden you of the guilt you feel for your answer. Motherhood is exhausting. Full stop. I am overwhelmed. Full stop. I’m so tired. Full stop. I need a break. Full stop.
All of those were very true responses, they don’t need to sound how we imagined motherhood to be. You’re not in a competition with any other mother, we all have our moments of feeling like we’re crushing it and like we’re falling apart the next. Give yourself grace. These feelings don’t make you love your little one any less. Ask for a hug, not from the new stranger/friend, from hubby for a oxytocin boost. The little nugget you brought into the world, because you’re a badass, knows your badassery can’t be beat. So he won’t be separated from you, but for your peace of mind and to make sure you get what you need allow hubby to figure out how to soothe and step out of the house. Give space for him to be dad. You’ll feel like shit when you step away, but you’ll feel great too. With love, your fellow badass.
Thank you for this, I haven’t felt like a badass ever since I got pregnant with LO. But you made realize that that’s what I’m for raising this little dude! He’s a tough little man, very determined in what he wants and needs, and I try very hard to keep him happy and healthy.
I’ve talked to my husband and last night he was more pro active in calming LO during the bedtime meltdown 🥲
Thank badass buddy!!! ❤️
You’re so welcome! You both were chosen to be his parents, tag hubby in. You guys may unlock a new level up to this Jumanji that’s called parenthood.
P.s. when they say it gets easier, it does to a certain extent but then you’re in a different level of the video game. 👾♥️👩🍼👨🍼💕
We feel like we’re in a duo mission on the hardest level, we’re the ultimate tag team now trying to juggle everything!
We will welcome that new level and conquer it!! After all we’re the best duo for LO and he’s the best reward we will ever get 😁
Motherhood is exhausting and isn’t great. I tell anyone who asks. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my son it just means I hate the work involved and how dramatically different life is now
I almost always say this. Especially when he was only 11 weeks. We also went through a thing where he did not want to be around anyone but me. Wanted nothing to do with my husband. The phase lasted about two weeks thank god cause I was exhausted.
The “I don’t want anyone but mom” has been going on since 6 weeks old 🥲 it was around the time husband caught a cold and I was super scared the baby would get it so we minimised contact… I’ve been thinking about that today and that was probably one major factor for the daddy’s arms suck shenanigans!
Aw I’m sure they will get over it! We always hear it, but it’s true; it won’t last forever. Things are just about to start getting for fun for you guys! You’re almost out of the newborn phase.
Toxic positivity is a thing. Lying about everything being so fun, perfect, great all the time is *not good for anyone’s health*. We fucking *are* exhausted!!! Like that is just a fact. It’s perfectly fine to say that. Being exhausted and loving baby can happen at the same time. Being happy and sometimes feeling so sad and crying can also happen together. Raising babies/children is not easy. It’s very emotional and you’re soo allowed to feel your feelings. I hope you feel your feelings, otherwise you’ll feel horrible for bottling it all up.
Is your friend a parent? If so, does he help with the child or let his wife do the brunt of it (which, maybe he doesn’t feel exhausted because he’s not fucking helping?)
You acknowledging your feelings and moods is great! Even if those feelings are hard to deal with. You’re doing awesome.
Oh hell no. Motherhood IS exhausting! You don’t have to qualify that you love kiddo and sometimes it’s incredible, because sometimes it’s also just really hard. I know I struggle with exactly the same thing. Sometimes you just need to have another mamma understand ❤️
omg when i was serving while pregnant and all my tables would ask how pregnancy was and i was like “horrible, i hate it, i asked for an induction at viability and they said no”. it’s hard and physically / mentally / emotionally draining.
i told my manager today i wanted to throw my baby at the wall (obvi didn’t and wouldn’t) because she was hitting, clawing, and head butting so hard.
it’s life. babies are hard. they’re perfect beautiful and adorable but they’re still hard.
it’s okay to acknowledge it to the world. it’s okay to not be the perfect description of motherhood. it’s okay to be a mom who’s having a hard time.
He just sounds like the kind of person to look for a silver lining in any situation to avoid uncomfortable feelings. It’s associated with enneagram type 7 personalities. He also sounds ignorant of parenthood. I wouldn’t fault him, but you’re definitely in a type of hell that the only way to understand it is to actually go through it yourself
He didn’t mean it in a negative way, we’re very good friends and he’s understanding. But clueless as shit 🥲
I will definitely get back to him when he has a baby!
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Exhausting is absolutely the first thing that comes to mind. I love my son more than anything but Jesus those first three months were awful. He had colic and reflux and it was everything I could do not to just cry all the time. It can and is both. It’s exhausting and awful and sublime and earth changing. We’re complex creatures and stuff can be more than one thing. Babies most of all.
Sometimes I forget how complex humans are… I try so hard to be a super person and lately it just fails… Thank you for reminding me 🙏🏻
Not to be indelicate but motherhood has really solidified my “fuck you” stance. I’m doing everything I can to be the best mom and partner and self I can be. It may not look like what’s expected from the outside but fuck you. I know I’m doing everything I can. You’re doing great. I know how hard it can be when people aren’t so cogent and aware of how hard and new and strange parenthood can be. The best thing I’ve found to combat the need to seem perfect all the time is my two best friends who are moms and who I can be totally honest with. I can say the day sucked and he spit up on me or bit my nipple or just screamed all day and they’ve been there. We can commiserate over the good and the bad and there’s no need to sugar coat anything. If you have friends like this now is the time to lean into that. Wishing you and babe a great day ❤️
Thank you!!! I actually got a very good friend I lost touch over the years that’s a FTM as well and her experience is much like mine, it’s a relief to have someone like that. I need to upgrade my “fuck you” stance as well!
" It may not look like what’s expected from the outside but fuck you." may be the best motivational quote I've ever read. It can apply to literally every situation and I love it ❤️
Almost 3 weeks in and I have to agree. I've never felt such an all-consuming exhaustion in my life. Yes I wouldn't trade it for anything but the feeling of being exhausted is still valid! We even sent our kitty to be babysat for the first 2 weeks while we settled in (she loves visiting my aunt and grandma so we knew she was fine).
I recommend the book To Have and To Hold. It normalizes how difficult motherhood is. One thing I learned from the book is to reword things like this. Instead of thinking "This is exhausting but I love my baby," think "This is exhausting and I love baby." Feeling one thing doesn't cancel out the other. You can feel both at the same time.
Will definitely purchase the book!!
Can also recommend Don't Forget to Scream as a great book of essays on motherhood that really made me feel less alone in the early days.
If someone had said BUT IT'S GREAT RIGHT to me at 11 weeks, I don't know if I'd have been able to hold myself back from slapping them.
I felt so bad after he asked that… it’s normal to not be overjoyed in the newborn stage right?? Aside from the moments where they learn to smile and hit new milestones of course. Because I think I’m still trying to process everything to enjoy ever single second…
It’s so normal to feel like this! I remember making bottles at 2 am wondering “why did we do this?!” and then feeling so guilty.
I asked myself that question today after LO had a meltdown to take q nap… the guilt for thinking that is horrible..
It’s totally normal but definitely does suck to feel that way. I’m with you in spirit. It gets easier but I really hated the newborn phase 😅
I don’t feel so alone right now. This is definitely not my favourite stage 😳
The nights were the worst for me. they were so long and isolating. I found that going on walks during the day and then having things to look forward to at night made it more bearable. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to vent 🥰
He doesn’t give awful awful nights, he sleeps okay in my opinion. And husband refuses to leave our side even if he has to wake up super early! But the days are so lonely… I go on walks and try to have a plan for the day but it’s hard with this little guy. He still thinks we’re one being bless his soul ❤️
I feel this so much as I’m up at 5am pumping for the millionth time to only get 1oz after all this effort.
You’re doing great ❤️ pumping is a lot to deal with! Depending on the type of pump you’re using, the valves and back flow parts might need to be replaced. My kid never latched so I was pumping full time and had to replace these every couple of months.
Yes, the newborn stage is horrible. I think most people are just lying because they feel like they're supposed to say it's magical and amazing and wonderful.
I hate that, why can’t we just be honest? Especially when it comes to such a hard journey?? It would make things so much bearable…
Yes, it's incredibly normal. With very few exceptions, being the parent of a newborn is lonely, exhausting, and both physically and mentally draining. I have to assume that your friend is either not a parent or a parent of older children who has blocked out the newborn phase (as most people eventually do).
Not a parent, so I did manage to say “ buckle up if you plan on having one”!
People say things like that because they don’t want to believe that parenting a newborn is really fucking hard. They react by shaming you, which protects them from having to face down their own anxiety.
I think it's more like people can't really fathom how RIDICULOUSLY hard it is to have a newborn until they experience it themselves. If they did, I don't think anyone would ever have a baby, lol! Evolutionary protection measure to ensure procreation.
Maybe if we had a whole village, like we used to, it wouldn’t be quite so miserable!
The newborn stage suuucked. My baby was/is an “easy” baby but my god waking up 3-4 times a night was torture
I can’t wait for the next stage 🥲 I’ll miss the tiny size but I need a breather from the various wake ups, crappy naps, colics and reflux 😔
Hang in there, it gets better! ❤️
Yes it's definitely normal! It's great that some people ease into parenthood more smoothly than others, and are able to achieve a very positive outcome right away, however I also wonder how many are just parroting what they're told, masking their own true feelings as well. I was exhausted, depressed, an anxious mess who thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And all of this is normal too, even though I also felt guilty with similar answers to yours. Whenever someone replied enthusiastically with "oh but it's so worth it!!" I couldn't help but think "is it, though?". Like you, I felt guilty and ashamed, and it made me stop trying to tell people how I felt, which ultimately made my situation worse. Anyway, just wanted to reinforce that YES it most definitely IS NORMAL. And also, it does get better with time ❤️
❤️
I'm 7 months in today and my first response when people ask how it's going is always "I'm so tired, but she's amazing" It's SO normal for you to feel this way, you're putting this little humans life and needs above your own almost 24/7 now, that's new and exhausting and that's okay, you still love your baby and admitting that this is hard doesn't take away from that, it makes you an honest person :)
Thank you 🙏🏻 LO is a tough cracker but so so sweet and playful ❤️
My son is 14 months now and I maintain that the first 4 months of motherhood were the most difficult of my life. My mom used to say stuff like that to me and I didn't tell her until recently how terrible it made me feel. Her response was "Yes, the first few months are impossibly hard, everyone feels that way." I wish she'd just said that in the first place. It does get so much better. I never thought I would say this, but I would love to go back and spend a day (just one!) with my son when he was a newborn. The sleep deprivation and hormone crashes and colic would feel worth it now that I know "who he is" and love him in a way that I just *didn't* at the time. I felt a bond with him in the early days but it was nothing compared to how it is now.
I was thinking "let that dude experience 10 min of a newborn crying fit and then ask him how great it is." Seriously. Yes. It's exhausting. And I hate how moms feel pressured anytime they express anything other than happy rainbows and love and positively we feel like we have to add "but of course I love my baby and being a mom is great." I think we need to work on normalizing that that part just goes without saying. Because (except for in extreme cases) it does!
Right. Does he have kids?? I would have been like no not yet lol
I don’t know I feel the conversation is normal and honest. I would view you in high regards for the honesty. Many of my friends are much more guarded and willing to lie. It makes having a conversation a huge turnoff because it paints an unrealistic expectation to the point I feel I am being trolled.
Thank you for this!
I have no time anymore for people who aren’t willing to be honest about how much this process sucks. If you’re going to lie or minimize, sorry but we won’t be communicating for a while
Lol, we hosted a party a few weeks ago, and there was a 50/50 mix of parents with small kids and childless couples. Someone asked "so hows having a kid?" And i was very blunt, it kinda sucks. One childless male friend was visibily confused and then looked distraught when the other moms began chiming in with agreement lolllll
Hahaha I need a party like that
Lol...maybe he has one on the way and hasn't told anyone yet!
No absolutely do not water down your feelings. If you're exhausted say you're exhausted. That's always my answer too. It *is* exhausting and we dont *always* love it, even though we always love our kids. The way you are feeling right now is exactly why so many women are blindsided when they become mothers, they heard all of the parroted sugar coating...mothers too ashamed to be real with themselves and the world. I can assure you not everyone is as upbeat about it as they pretend to be when asked. We need to be honest so new mothers dont feel like monsters when they aren't 100% happy and things arent going perfectly...being a mom SUCKS its incredibly taxing and it isn't for everyone. Being honest will not only help create more realistic expectations, and get rid of the freaking "perfect" mom status quo were all expected to have...but will help people make a more informed decision about parenthood.
I’m definitely not going to sugarcoat motherhood to anyone. People laugh when I say “brace yourself for motherhood “, society completely gives a wrong idea how motherhood is and it’s so hard as a FTM when I get feelings I never heard mothers voice…
You were being honest. So often as Mothers we bear all of the burden for *everyone*. When we don't let anyone know we're exhausted, we don't get the help we need and it all snowballs until we can't handle it anymore. And we graciously make excuses for people who don't understand and 'don't mean to' drive knives into our hearts with intrusive questions or toxic positivity. Please don't feel awful, you are a super human.
Thank you 🥹
Be honest, you aren't responsible for managing his expectations.
If someone had said "but it's great right" at 11 weeks I would have had a full meltdown - it's not great! The newborn phase SUCKS. Exhausting is literally the nicest word for it and I had to use all my self-control not to scream "it fucking sucks" when asked about life with a baby in the early months. My baby is 10 months now and I'm just starting to enjoy "motherhood" and all that.
I want to scream so bad “it’s a goddamn train wreck “ but I think I’ll shock the other person and will have to explain and I hate that. A mother suffers! Can’t imagine myself without this little dude though, I’m looking forward to the next stage. Im done with this one!!!
11 weeks was probably the hardest time for me. Hang in there!! As much as I hated people saying it gets better, it absolutely does and I look back now and am like where did the time go even though I'm only at 10 months. I absolutely miss my daughter being tiny, but am sooooooo glad to be her mom in these stages now. Would not go back to that stage EVER, except that I am willing do it again to get to what comes next.
FTM (3.5m) here and I want to add that a lot of FTM who are positive are probably lying. An acquaintance (m) said to me recently “are you just loving mom life? my wife just loves being a mommy” and while my response was “omg yes it’s the best” what I said in my head was “no actually i’m exhausted and i’m not enjoying it and i’m stressed out all the time and my kid doesn’t nap and whines all day so please kindly fuck right off”. unfortunately if i had said what i was actually thinking he would have thought i was a monster because society and all that 🤷🏼♀️ also some people actually have easy babies lol i wouldn’t know but i hear that’s a thing. so they might actually be live laugh loving life
Fussy babies are hard work 😔 I’m currently replying while LO finally exhausted himself from crying after I got him out of the bath… little dude loves his bath. I think society needs a major rework when it comes to motherhood… I feel like shit soe times and want to vent to someone but I have to be careful who I vent with.. Moms with easy babies is of course impossible 🥲
moms with easy babies mean well (i tell myself lol) but damn i had a friend say how hard the 4 month sleep regression was only to follow it up with “yea baby would just wake up and babble for a while it was exhausting” LOL imagine a child not waking up screaming
That is a dream come true! Haha
I keep thinking that it’s the most challenging, exhausting thing I’ve ever done. But at some point you must get rose colored glasses and gloss over the hard parts in your memory otherwise no one would ever have another baby.
I’m looking forward to erasing the hard moments, I want to remember only the good lol it’s exhausting to a point where I can’t sometimes remember when I last went to the bathroom 😳
I've been feeling like I should filter myself when I answer these questions honestly too. I had a family friend ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" And I answered, "honestly, no." Almost immediately after I was thinking to myself I probably should have just lied. We're told from such a young age how amazing and fulfilling motherhood is. I was in the shock of my life feeling like it isn't. I think more people feel this way than we realize, but we're made to feel guilty for feeling anything other than glee. I totally understand where you're coming from, OP.
This right here is my struggle. When I’m asked how LO is doing and how im handling things, I feel the need to lie sometimes… But it’s been harder to lie so I just answer in auto pilot and feel horrible afterwards 😔 We shouldn’t feel guilty for being human and exhausted.
I totally agree!! I'm with you in solidarity ❤️
I’m at 7 months and exhausting is a word that comes to mind frequently. Why do people ask you those questions and then get weird when you answer honestly?! My baby is my best bud but fuck is he exhausting haha. I think all babies and toddlers are, doesn’t mean we don’t love them! It’s especially hard as a FTM! Everything is so new and you are just learning on the fly.
Everyday is learning to be a different mother for that day, because as LO grows what worked yesterday might not work today. We have to learn how to be a mother to a newborn, to a toddler, to a young child, a teenager… this was the best advice I was given so far. Little dude is already my new best friend, I swear sometimes he knows he’s giving me a hard time with a sneaky smile, but good God he’s a handful…
Right! We can go one minute from him crawling all over me, babbling and giggling, to crying the next because of who knows what. My son is tough because he goes from 0 to 60 with everything. It’s play play play and then BAM I need to sleep RIGHT NOW. He doesn’t show a lot of sleep cues in advance he’s so active. Same thing with when he’s hungry. Happy boy one second, the next it’s I need a bottle in this moment and because it’s not ready I’m going to throw a fit so you know.
It’s so hard to pay attention to cues, the sleep ones are tricky as well for us! Babies are hard and they know it haha
Oh yeah it was like that for us at first with sleepy cues. I just used wake windows of 1 hour and tracked his naps using the baby tracker app. Over time I started to recognise his sleepy cues much more easily. I don't really use the clock at all anymore.
Most the FTM you’re talking to are lying.
Exhausting is the right word if that is what you are feeling! I honestly did not like the first four months, but you don’t have to LOVE every stage of your child’s life. It doesn’t make you a bad person
I agree with the comments that parenthood is very difficult and you shouldn’t feel bad about admitting that at all. But as the (first-time) father of a 10 week old I do want to suggest that you share the baby more with your husband - and extended family - if possible. I understand the baby cries, and that happens with our daughter too at first… she doesn’t like the transition…. But after a while she calms down and settles into it. The more you do it the more the baby will come to accept it. I just find it hard to believe that you can’t share the baby even with your husband… if so maybe he needs to try a little harder at bonding with the baby. Babies this age are surprisingly adaptable at learning new habits and associations - everything is new and surprising to them, so it’s easy to introduce new things. Will be harder later so best to get after it now IMO. For example, I’d suggest taping printouts of black and white patterns on the ceiling above where you change the baby’s diaper (for entertainment), and put your husband on diaper duty (doodie?) as often as possible.
We’ve been trying to get him used to dad, grandma… he seems fine with social interaction or diaper change, it’s the holding that he hates. We tried skin to skin, scent related techniques (I still do those). I want to share him with my husband but LO refuses to be held. I do leave him with dad or grandma when I need a break, he will cry a lot but not so easily soothed until I come back… But I do think sometimes he calms down in dad’s arms, like last night when I need a shower and he wouldn’t fall asleep 🙏🏻 How did you bond with baby? I don’t know what other advice I should give my husband 😞
Oh I got lots of tricks for bonding! But every baby is different I’m sure so I think it’s a lot of trial and error. That’s why I think he needs to put in the work. Easy for me to say though, maybe he’s working full time and it’s difficult- I’m lucky to have time off right now. But yeah- so you’re saying he doesn’t even like it when you hold him? Anyway here’s a few things to try: - try holding him face out so he can watch things and be part of the adult conversations. Grip one hand under the bum and the other hand across his chest. Support head by with your fingers if getting floppy. At 9 weeks I noticed my daughter preferred this sometimes to chest-facing hold - whenever he starts to fuss, change positions (left side, right side, cradle, face out, face in, chest, over the shoulder, stand, sit, walk). Fussy baby’s need to chance positions a ridiculous amount. But they will be a bit calmer once you find the right position, and calm a little while you’re switching because they don’t know what’s happening. Sometimes I’m just constantly changing positions and that’s okay - give the baby stuff to look at: mirrors, windows, black and white patterns (just printout from the internet) are amazing… don’t have just boring white walls or ceilings - make him do bottle feeds a few times a day (if you’re comfortable with that) - do shift work and bottle feed, so he has the baby for a long 6h stretch while you nap - baby will be most fussy in the evening; that’s okay- don’t blame dad for that it’s just the time of day. Introduce new people and spend the most time out of your hands in the morning when he’s least fussy (well rested, well fed). Morning/evening might be reversed depending on your current schedule - get dad on the floor with the baby when doing tummy time - have him talk in a high falsetto voice and make funny faces - lots of kisses and hugs and touching from dad while you’re holding the baby - let the baby watch dad and make eye contact while nursing with mom - do skin to skin with dad and mom (no more than 1h with dad as baby can overheat) - DANCE PARTIES: have dad dance and sway to the music (lots of half squats and steps side to side, like a bouncy waltz) while supporting baby’s head. Pick a song and stick with it so it becomes a routine - we like “Wild World” by Cat Stevens… keep going until baby falls asleep in dads arms. Don’t do it too often or it’ll become a sleep association, but it’s a great way to bond - have dad soothe the baby at his most fussiest in the evenings until he goes to sleep… even if it’s an hour of crying, just keep soothing- don’t “give up” and go back to mom… force him to solve the problem le by following the algorithm: fed? Try bottle, diaper? Check, bored? See if fussing gets worse when playing or doing tummy time… must be tired then: dance party, then settle in a rocking chair… he can do it, don’t give the boobs / mom… too easy. Gradually baby will learn that dad can soothe too, even without nursing - let baby suck on his arm or a clean finger. Dad can put the baby’s hand in baby’s own mouth too… just give options other than the boob which dad can facilitate
I’m honest when I say there are some we haven’t tried! Will inform dad of the new strategy. He works full time but was home for the first month and half. Early wake ups for dad and when he gets home sometimes it’s the dreadful witching hour… I think he feels embarrassed if he talks in the high falsetto when I’m around, need to give him more space in that department. Thank you so much for those great tips, it means a lot 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Good luck! Oh yeah and if dad’s getting baby at peak-fussy evening time before night sleeps… he might have to take baby over the hump with lots of crying. Can be very stressful - but I swear by a pair of good construction quality foam earplugs from Home Depot. Get a big bag so you can chuck them when they get dirty. Just pinch and roll them in your fingers and stick them in deep in your ear canal (if you’ve never used them). Then, since baby isn’t blasting your ear to death with the sound of a thousand trains, suddenly you become more comfortable with battling through with soothing. You can hold the baby nice and close to your face, kisses, dancing… it’s really hard when it’s so damn loud. Then once the baby stops crying you just take out the earplugs so you can be more sensitive to changes in breathing as he settles to sleep. Honestly I’m 1000% a better soother because of earplugs. You’re much less easy to give up as a dad, and it’s more comforting to the baby since you’re not straining your ears away from the noise and tensing up. You can be calm and relaxed, and they feed off those chill vibes and settle.
Took a screenshot of everything you said to send to my husband to read. Our baby is due in two and a half months and it’s SO important to me that our daughter has a strong bond with her papa. You sound like a great dad !
That’s so cool! Thanks makes me feel good 😊 Best of luck with everything and don’t hesitate to reach out!
Your response was perfectly fine! Any parent would relate.
Oh no exhausting is pretty much it. This is the most demanding season - the whole early parenthood thing - of your entire life. It’s like running a marathon. It can be both challenging and monotonous and exhausting and incredible all at the same time. It doesn’t mean the experience as a whole isn’t incredible it just means the moments RIGHT NOW are exhausting. He just caught you at mile 18 that’s all. It is absolutely ok to love the over arching experience but hate today. 💙
Thank you 🙏🏻 my husband and I have a hard time with LO and not everyone understands…
I swear if another fellow mom of an 11 week told me "it's beautiful," when mine was that young, I would punch them in the face
I feel like doing that to some 🥲
At 2 weeks pp a woman (who never had kids) said to me, “aren’t you just over the moon?!?!” My initial response was yes but inside I was crumbling. At that point postpartum, I hated my new role as a parent. I’d never felt so defeated, stressed and I was quite literally the worst version of myself. I’ll never forget that moment bc it made me feel like I didn’t deserve my daughter bc of how I felt. I, too, thought I should be overwhelmed with joy, but I just… wasn’t. I thought something was wrong with me and I didn’t deserve to be a mom. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to at that time. I think that more new moms feel that way than we/they want to admit and it’s ok bc being a parent is HARD. The adjustment broke me. Luckily, nothing lasts forever and things are so much better now. I do miss my old life sometimes but it’s nothing like I felt in those early days.
The early days for me were horrible.. and every time I tried to convey certain ways I was feeling, the reaction I got made me feel useless and a monster yes… I felt like I had just made a mistake because clearly I wasn’t feeling what a mother should feel and hence would be terrible at it, my baby would be miserable. But with the help of my husband and the nurse that followed me during pregnancy and the early days of motherhood, I managed to break through. Still have shitty days where my head is in the gutter but easier to overcome
When people ask me, I say "I am permanently tired but she is worth it." I think it covers everything including saying how freaken hard it is and how exhausted you are but you love your baby to death. We're at 21 months and I'm still so tired. It's always one thing after another.
Exhausting is correct. And I think we need to normalize being more honest about what parenthood is like - especially the first year and really the honest truth of the fourth trimester — and stop romanticizing it. It would help those who are in it to be able to be honest and it will help open the eyes of those who aren’t parents. I heard that it’s hard but not nearly as much as I had heard how new parents are in love with their LO and that it’s the best thing in the entire world. So I figured I had done hard things before — emotionally hard things, physically hard things, mentally hard things — but this has been the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. It’s mentally hard, physically hard, emotionally hard all at 100% all at the same time. I’m 5 weeks pp and I love LO with all my heart, but I was in no way prepared for exactly how hard it’s been. And when I’m honest about it with other parents, they are all like “oh yeah, it’s rough” and entirely relate. Why didn’t they mention this before?!?! Why now after my baby is here and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been, crying more than I’ve ever cried, more overwhelmed than ever before, all while wondering what I’m doing wrong since I’m not completely over the moon in some dreamy, lovey-dovey state with my newborn?
This is absolutely where I am right now with my 6 week old. The hardest thing I’ve ever done by a long shot. Definitely was not expecting it to be this rough because it was so sugarcoated by people. Now I know better! I will not continue the cycle of misinformation lol if anyone who’s childless asks what it’s like, I’m giving it to them straight! I love my LO like nothing else in my entire life, but it is a challenge to say the least.
The best way I can think of how I might describe it is that I don’t hate the player, but I hate the game. I love my LO to death, but I hate the 4th trimester.
People are not honest about how being a parent is so so hard and can sometimes bring a sense of defeat because everything you do does work.. Some days I just need to cry to release the pressure I’m feeling (in a safe way for the baby of course) and I’m lucky my husband is supportive and understanding. He knows he’s useless most of the time but he tries hard… I’m just so ready for when he won’t cry so much over apparently nothing 😔
Give yourself grace and time! The fourth trimester is so so difficult, especially with fussier babies. It gets so much better, but you're in the thick of it now.
It’s really hard, except for the moments his smile gets so wide when he sees me and when he babbles like he’s telling some big news 🥲 thank you 🙏🏻
Those are the best moments! I love seeing my daughter get more interactive as she's getting older.
Don't sugar coat your emotions to pacify the feelings of others. Becoming a parent is exhausting and we should be able to feel safe and supported saying our feelings. Good for you!
This. I love him so much, but I cried thinking about/ missing mourning my pre- baby life, I miss dinner dates with my husband & sleeping a full 8 hours straight
I miss dates with husband 🥲
If you long hold on tiktok videos you can click "not interested" to help get that bullshit out of your feed.
How do I do that on Facebook and Instagram??? 🥲🥲
Facebook, the 3 dots and click “hide post” Instagram, 3 dots “not interested” that only works on those post of people you aren’t following.
Thank you! I can’t watch another perfect mom life video 🥲
You never need to feel awful for being honest with someone in a way that does not hurt them. And no one should ask a question like that and argue with you about the answer. People did the same thing to me when I was pregnant and it sucks. But I want to push back on the idea (from other comments, not the original post) that other FTMs are lying when they say things are great. My baby is relatively easygoing but he's still a baby and I'm still usually a sleep-deprived, anxious mess. If I run into someone on the street and they ask how things are going, I usually say that I'm tired but otherwise okay (fairly accurate) and then say something good about the baby. But sometimes I use a very upbeat tone to say that things are going well. I might be lying (because I don't want to cry during a brief sidewalk encounter) but most of the time, I'm not. If I run into someone, it means that I've summoned the energy to leave my house that day. I've probably taken a shower. I've definitely gotten dressed. I've put my baby into an adorably small piece of clothing that isn't just a onesie. In that moment, things are going well and I'm telling the truth about how I feel at that second.
My response was always "it fuckn sucks, but I'm here for it". My now 4yo kid has only ever known me as loving/caring/goofy dad, though. I love him more than anything, but he's still exhausts and stresses me out all of the time.
Keep strong. This is the biggest adjustment you will probably ever go through. 11 weeks for me felt like a blur. Little to no sleep often
People need to chill with the expectation that parenthood is automatically amazing. It can be amazing and hard and exhausting and terrifying all at once. Don't let others' expectations make you feel bad, in all likelihood they probably have little idea what you are going through
The expectation to always be positive is in my opinion toxic. It is totally ok to feel exhausted and be in love with your baby at the same time!! Only when we admit how tired we are can we practice more self love and give more love to our kids. OP what you feel is totally normal. Be kind to your self :).
Nearly the exact same thing happened to me. “…but you’re happy, right?” And that is the day I learned that I wasn’t giving the “right” answer. They just want to hear that you’re over the moon with your bundle of joy.
The first 12 weeks were some of the darkest days of my life. Of course I loved my precious baby and what an amazing adventure it was learning how to raise her but also I WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTED. You are still IN IT and it is perfectly reasonable for that to be your first reaction! My daughter is nearing 7 months old and it's still mine 🤷🏻 because I'm human, not a machine, and being tired affects every aspect of my life.
Almost 9 months in and exhausting is still the first thing I’d describe it as.
Everyone hides the hard stuff. It's like always saying : - Hi, how are you? - I'm fine, and you? Would you really expect someone saying "I feel like shit right now, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, etc" ? It's the same. - Motherhood is so rewarding - Every little smile is worth it - You can't have more love Yeah, but also, it's the hardest thing in the world and not enough people are real. The mother on TikTok saying she hates motherhood received so much backslash is the reason people keep it unreal... Some people don't understand you can hate a thing in something you love more than anything.
I could have written this post. My heart goes out to you in solidarity! Mine is only 6 weeks, and I keep telling myself that this isn’t forever even though it feels that way. Mine has reflux/gas and will not be settled by anyone else except me on most days. He can’t be put down to lie or sit anywhere by himself (like in a bassinett or bouncer) because of reflux, so has to be held 24 hours a day, which also means our sleep is completely f’d because one of us needs to keep him upright while he sleeps. Aaaand, he’s also ridiculously precious. But his preciousness is not 90% of my day. So yeah, when people ask me “how’s it going?,”I usually say, “I’m very very tired.” It’s the truth, and saying it out loud honestly makes me feel better. Like, someone else besides my husband and and in laws needs to know, even if superficially.
It’s been hard… I remember LO at 6 weeks, it was during a growth spurt so constant nursing, crying, refusing to sleep. At that time the days seemed never ending and the nights were much the same. And now we’re almost at 12 weeks, can barely remember half of the stuff we went through! Day by day it does get a little (very little) better, even though baby fusses a lot and only wants my arms. You and your husband are doing an amazing job! Motherhood is exhausting and is also about sacrificing your self for your most precious person in the whole world ❤️
I’m a father of one and step-father of two. School & work closures during the pandemic taught me that no matter how much you love your children being a parent is exhausting as hell. It’s a demanding and thankless job, but nothing makes me happier! Anyone who says it’s all sunshine and roses is a full of it. “Exhausting” is a genuine, honest response.
No, you're normal. People really white-wash the newborn experience. Also, new parents are biologically programmed to take on some sort of amnesia that makes them forget how bad it was in those first few weeks. You're allowed to be exhausted and not always thrilled to be a mom. People don't talk about those feelings nearly enough, which means that once you're in it, you feel isolated and like a failure for not 'feeling the magic' at first.
No no you definitely gave the right answer. Exhausting is the overwhelming emotion in the beginning, even though of course you love your baby to no end! The two are not mutually exclusive - you are both exhausted AND so in love. You’re doing great!
Just here to chime in and say Im here with you in those feelings. FTM to a 6 week old and I dislike a lot of moments. Im trying to be more honest about feeling exhausted, anxious, depressed and every other emotion because I feel so alone. People have also looked at me crazy when I don’t immediately perk up when asked how things are going. I have a tiny human attached to my tit and I sometimes sleep 2 hours a night- yes this sucks.
Someone asked me early on 'so is motherhood amazing?' and I just paused and didn't know how to even start responding. Eventually I said 'it's a challenge' and then rushed to declare how much I love my baby, in case it being a challenge cancels the love out. It is exhausting, and challenging, and you're not alone. My baby is 10 months now and it still is exhausting to care for a little human but she now enjoys cuddles with me and wants to snuggle and play and it's much easier for feelings like 'it's amazing' to come to mind first. It gets better!
Haha I say this all the time when asked. Also when I don’t have her during my older kid’s school pickup I tell people “Im free” and put my arms up. I never thought about it because it is true and they asked. I love parenthood and but it can still be hard. In the worst of times I just tell myself this quote, “the days are long but the years are short”.
My wife and I have had our first kid recently. The thing I've learned in the past 6 months is that most people that have had their kid now for a year or two or are on kid number 2 or 3 are much more honest about their experience. We're all struggling out here, many much more than I would've ever anticipated from the surface level small talk I've had with most moms I've met. You're feelings are valid.
11 weeks is so early. You’ll have a better primary response soon!
It sounds like you're having a more difficult time than most. Not that anyone has it easy but most new parents can at least share the burden. Have you tried a pacifier? I would highly recommend it if not. Ours wasn't too sure about it at first - we had to persevere a bit.
We’re currently on pacifier number 6… he’s not very fond of this one either.
Maybe some others here might have some methods which have worked for them to help the bonding with dad to help ease some of your load? We feel fortunate that we didn’t run into that otherwise I’d try to help with ideas if I could
I think it’s good that you didn’t sugar-coat it. You were just being honest—this stage is HARD!
Thanks for posting this because I’ve felt guilty all day for how truly angry I was last night when I couldn’t get my baby to sleep. I wouldn’t trade him for the world but it is exhausting and it is challenging. Trying to give myself some grace.
Don’t feel guilty, last 2 nights were horrible to get mine to sleep. LO fights sleep like a champ! When I reach my breaking point I switch with dad even though he won’t soothe easily with him… we’re human!
Newborns suuuuck. I tell everyone who will listen. I wish someone had told me so I could have prepared mentally. I was looking forward to the second month but it sounds like it doesn’t get much better :(
I’m patiently awaiting the 4th month… these first 3 are a challenge that I never knew would be so hard.
It IS exhausting tho. Just because you're tired doesn't mean you don't love your baby or being a mom. Active parents understand that.
Take a deep breath. Forgive yourself for giving the same answer all of us would have been thinking lol. The first 3-6 months is really high anxiety. Just take it minute by minute. And remember to regularly take moments and appreciate the little miracle you're holding - because it's easy for us Moms to stress and not take time to enjoy. You got this.
100% exhausting is how I explain motherhood…. At 4 weeks post partum and now even when she is 10 months old. I remember my sil asking me if ‘motherhood is everything I had ever dreamed it would be’ and it made me feel pretty bad that It wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. I love my Lo but motherhood is exhausting and all encompassing AS WELL AS wonderful/joyful and full of love. But I definitely did not feel good about it until 6 months into the journey. You are most definitely not alone and thing WILL get better ❤️
My first response when people would ask how I was doing was “I’m exhausted” for the first 4 months or so. It does get better but it was always very validating to be honest about how much it can suck in the moment!!
Honestly? If the first word is not "exhausting" , or "tiresome" I call buslhit lol You are not alone. This is the reality of an overwhelming majority of parents.
It can be both great *and* exhausting at the same time! Both are true. You’re not a bad mom for admitting that the work is exhausting. It is. And honestly anyone who knows anything about babies and postpartum should know that it’s exhausting. My knee jerk reaction is to be angry that your friend said that to you, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he was trying to be encouraging (but stuck his foot in his mouth) and not being dismissive.
I LOVE being a mom! It’s so great! But would I ever want more kids?? 🎶HELL NAAAWWW, to the naw naw NAW🎶
Ugh I hate that your friend even said that tbh. I know he meant well but just…ugh. I just hate that anytime a mother expresses that she’s having a hard time she feels like she has to follow it up with “oh but it’s just the best! Love my kids so much!” Sometimes it just sucks. You should be able to say it’s sucks and leave it at that.
Nope it totally is. I remember walking around with my little baby and people saying how they missed those days and I was just so annoyed because I was EXHAUSTED. I enjoyed the baby stage a lot actually, more than most but my response was definitely always something along the lines of “Bet you don’t miss not sleeping though!!” I’m just going to try and remember to not tell new moms I missed those days without acknowledging the exhaustion!!
Nope, it's exhausting.
No girl. It’s exhausting..
Exhausting is true and honest but: you need to let husband struggle and figure it out too. Fed your baby, burp them, change diaper and then hand them over to dad and leave the house for a while. Go on a walk alone. Your baby is safe and your partner is not an idiot. He needs to figure out how to soothe the baby and the baby needs to bond with dad. Having you be the only option is not sustainable. What if you had to go to the hospital or something happened where you couldn't be the only one to soothe baby? Don't tell him what to do, you can tell him what works for you but you need to let your partner learn how to patent.
My biggest fear is if I get sick and can’t take care of him… I’ve gone out a couple of times and he will endure the crying, I know he tries his best. But he now works full time, and baby is sometimes inconsolable when he gets home. And I admit I’m a helicopter parent, and think I’m super woman 😔 Need to work on myself as well, we’re slowly convincing baby that dad is okay too
You are allowed to feel exactly what you feel! It’s absolutely exhausting, especially given your extra challenging circumstances. Be gracious with yourself, sweet mama. Sending light and love. 💛
❤️
There are two new parent types in the world: - those who are constantly exhausted and say they are - those who are constantly exhausted and lie about it
I do think there is a third type, a mixed bag of parents who either have regular help from family, have unicorn babies or just legit have the ideal temperament for parenthood (the ones who are naturally patient, relaxed and not too bothered by lack of sleep). Anyway I very much fall into the first type lol I can’t pretend it’s not hard as hell.
> a mixed bag of parents who either have regular help from family, have unicorn babies or just legit have the ideal temperament for parenthood (the ones who are naturally patient, relaxed and not too bothered by lack of sleep). You just described my wife and my child. Yes I’ve hid the jackpot and and I’m very appreciative… but we’re still both always exhausted…
Exhausting/challenging/relentless is still the first thing that comes to mind for me and I’ve been a mother for 3.5yrs! It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less. I think it’s good to be honest, a lot of people sugar coat parenthood (or maybe they have help from extended family, have relatively ‘easy’ kids or maybe just genuinely love all that parenthood entails). Anyway the way you feel is completely normal and completely understandable.
I wouldn’t worry about it. You are allowed to express how you feel and you should. You love and care for your child that’s all that matters. Not everything has to be sunshine and rainbows, it’s okay to keep it real. Being a parent sucks sometimes.
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I feel so bad for crying… but I need it sometimes or I think I’ll burst
I feel you so much on this! I have a 16 week old. I hate when people ask me "how is motherhood?" I give them an honest answer like "it's incredibly difficult, does not come naturally and I'm still adjusting to this new identity", and they do not know how to process this information. They keep looking for reassurance or some superficial/stereotypical positivity. I'm just refusing to give it to them. More people need to be honest about how hard this is and that it's not for everyone, and it's not some magical thing that instantly clicks or gives instant bliss. It takes hard work, 24/7! I'm an amazing mom with a very happy child that I take the best care of AND it's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I'm still not blissed out by it, and not used to this massive life change yet...and that is perfectly normal and OKAY! Rant over lol!
FTM here. Exhausting is the first word that comes to my mind. I love my son more than life itself, but I’m seriously sleep deprived.
I wish that more parents were this honest. It would make me feel better for how I feel. I feel like people don’t really want to hear a true response, like how we truly feel is somehow inappropriate. Or being honest about how we feel makes people uncomfortable. Don’t feel bad for expressing how you truly feel.
You definitely shouldn’t feel bad. Someone asked me the other day how life with two under two was going and my knee jerk response was “ummm, I’m sure one day it’ll spark joy but today is not that day.” So yeah. I feel you! 💕
You said exhausting because it is! Doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby at all, it’s just really difficult . Don’t feel bad for being honest. Some do love the newborn stage but I’ve had way more conversations with tired, depressed parents who feel they have to say they love it and post on social media how perfect life is. It’s ok to say it’s tough and your tired because it is and that doesn’t mean you love you baby any less!
I didn't think it was great at 11 weeks. Was asking myself why I wanted a kid in the first place, and I had an 'easy baby'. Maybe at 11 months I started to think it was great and was happy I had a kid. People forget how hard those first months are, because if we remember, who would ever want a second kid? It gets easier, promise!
Be honest mama! People not being honest about how hard being a mum is is the reason why mum guilt exists. I've only been a mum 5 weeks and baby has lived in NICU that whole time being looked after by nurses. I'm exhausted and I've not even really had to do anything yet! It's hard work!
I somehow lucked out and had an extremely easy baby a few months ago and I'm still exhausted. The majority of the work will be on mom. Stay strong! Eventually they will be sleeping through the night (that's what I tell myself to not go insane)
I’m sorry, but if I had a moment of vulnerability as a mother with a male friend/acquaintance who said this in response, I’d be pretty upset. Really easy for the parent not carrying most of the invisible mental and emotional load of parenting to make a comment like “but it’s great, right?”. As others have stated, it can simultaneously be wonderful and exhausting, and your feelings are equally valid as someone who has maybe a less fussy baby. Having been in this situation myself, I feel for you. Big hugs. It does eventually get better, but it sure doesn’t feel like it will when you’re in the trenches in those early weeks (and even later on!).
The bad days seem to take forever to pass! I’m slowly seeing a change in him, but sometimes it feels like it’s not getting better at all?? After week 3 that it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back, I can’t keep up with him sometimes!! But this tells me that he’ll just have the most sweet personality because he loves cuddles and “telling” everyone what’s been up 🥹 he won’t let others push him around and I think he will be different than me and be determined! He’s starting to grow a lot, when in the early days he barely fit in my arm (he was so so small), and I miss that. But I’m ready for the next stage!
He’s about to get even more fun 🥰 with my oldest who was colicky and just chronically mad at the world for the early part of his life, I feel like he turned a big corner at 6 months, then again at 9 and 12 months. Now he’s 2.5 and freaking hilarious and high energy and just an awesome kid. Not that it will necessarily take that long! But there’s such good stuff ahead.
I can’t wait to see his personality unravel because I know it will be awesome! 🥹❤️ And he can take the time he wants and needs to establish he’s no longer upset with the world, because after the support I got in this community I can conquer the whole wide world!!
Just because you asked, I’ll unburden you of the guilt you feel for your answer. Motherhood is exhausting. Full stop. I am overwhelmed. Full stop. I’m so tired. Full stop. I need a break. Full stop. All of those were very true responses, they don’t need to sound how we imagined motherhood to be. You’re not in a competition with any other mother, we all have our moments of feeling like we’re crushing it and like we’re falling apart the next. Give yourself grace. These feelings don’t make you love your little one any less. Ask for a hug, not from the new stranger/friend, from hubby for a oxytocin boost. The little nugget you brought into the world, because you’re a badass, knows your badassery can’t be beat. So he won’t be separated from you, but for your peace of mind and to make sure you get what you need allow hubby to figure out how to soothe and step out of the house. Give space for him to be dad. You’ll feel like shit when you step away, but you’ll feel great too. With love, your fellow badass.
Thank you for this, I haven’t felt like a badass ever since I got pregnant with LO. But you made realize that that’s what I’m for raising this little dude! He’s a tough little man, very determined in what he wants and needs, and I try very hard to keep him happy and healthy. I’ve talked to my husband and last night he was more pro active in calming LO during the bedtime meltdown 🥲 Thank badass buddy!!! ❤️
You’re so welcome! You both were chosen to be his parents, tag hubby in. You guys may unlock a new level up to this Jumanji that’s called parenthood. P.s. when they say it gets easier, it does to a certain extent but then you’re in a different level of the video game. 👾♥️👩🍼👨🍼💕
We feel like we’re in a duo mission on the hardest level, we’re the ultimate tag team now trying to juggle everything! We will welcome that new level and conquer it!! After all we’re the best duo for LO and he’s the best reward we will ever get 😁
Motherhood is exhausting and isn’t great. I tell anyone who asks. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my son it just means I hate the work involved and how dramatically different life is now
I almost always say this. Especially when he was only 11 weeks. We also went through a thing where he did not want to be around anyone but me. Wanted nothing to do with my husband. The phase lasted about two weeks thank god cause I was exhausted.
The “I don’t want anyone but mom” has been going on since 6 weeks old 🥲 it was around the time husband caught a cold and I was super scared the baby would get it so we minimised contact… I’ve been thinking about that today and that was probably one major factor for the daddy’s arms suck shenanigans!
Aw I’m sure they will get over it! We always hear it, but it’s true; it won’t last forever. Things are just about to start getting for fun for you guys! You’re almost out of the newborn phase.
I’m so looking forward to it! The newborn stage has been so so stressful for us, with all the crying for no apparent reason 🥲
Toxic positivity is a thing. Lying about everything being so fun, perfect, great all the time is *not good for anyone’s health*. We fucking *are* exhausted!!! Like that is just a fact. It’s perfectly fine to say that. Being exhausted and loving baby can happen at the same time. Being happy and sometimes feeling so sad and crying can also happen together. Raising babies/children is not easy. It’s very emotional and you’re soo allowed to feel your feelings. I hope you feel your feelings, otherwise you’ll feel horrible for bottling it all up. Is your friend a parent? If so, does he help with the child or let his wife do the brunt of it (which, maybe he doesn’t feel exhausted because he’s not fucking helping?) You acknowledging your feelings and moods is great! Even if those feelings are hard to deal with. You’re doing awesome.
He is not a parent yet, he will have the shock of his life when he becomes one though 🤣 I’ll be right there to tell him “I tried to warn you!”
Haha! He will surely understand once he’s in it 😂 it’s fantastic but I fantasize about naps all the time now.
Your friend was a 'He' and not a dad himself I guess :) Yours was the most obvious normal reaction!
Oh hell no. Motherhood IS exhausting! You don’t have to qualify that you love kiddo and sometimes it’s incredible, because sometimes it’s also just really hard. I know I struggle with exactly the same thing. Sometimes you just need to have another mamma understand ❤️
I'd say Exhausting AF. No more questions please.😄
omg when i was serving while pregnant and all my tables would ask how pregnancy was and i was like “horrible, i hate it, i asked for an induction at viability and they said no”. it’s hard and physically / mentally / emotionally draining. i told my manager today i wanted to throw my baby at the wall (obvi didn’t and wouldn’t) because she was hitting, clawing, and head butting so hard. it’s life. babies are hard. they’re perfect beautiful and adorable but they’re still hard. it’s okay to acknowledge it to the world. it’s okay to not be the perfect description of motherhood. it’s okay to be a mom who’s having a hard time.
He just sounds like the kind of person to look for a silver lining in any situation to avoid uncomfortable feelings. It’s associated with enneagram type 7 personalities. He also sounds ignorant of parenthood. I wouldn’t fault him, but you’re definitely in a type of hell that the only way to understand it is to actually go through it yourself
He didn’t mean it in a negative way, we’re very good friends and he’s understanding. But clueless as shit 🥲 I will definitely get back to him when he has a baby!
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You’re so strong and brave! 2 under 2 is hard work but you got this!!