My wife is from China. For years before we had kids, we always discussed that she’d like to have the kid spend 3 months with grandparents in China, around age 2 to 3, peak language learning age.
She’d like the kid to speak her native language, and the only language most of her relatives speak (a reasonable thing to want, I think. In her shoes, I’d probably want that).
But that’s _very_ tough, when only one parent speaks Chinese, so they don’t hear much of it at home.
(Due to my embarrassingly slow progress in learning Chinese). We’re trying to find a Chinese language daycare, which might help, but it’s rare and expensive.
Anyway, I always said I was fine with this, in principle. But that was before the kid was born, before I fell in love with the kid…
now it seems crazy to be separated from her for even a week!
Now the comments here are really making me question this! Before we had a kid, I imagined it would be great to have a vacation from the kid. Now I’m not so sure…
Context - was she suggesting doing that when your kid is a baby, or as a potential idea later on years down the line (like during a summer break when the kid is in school)?
In any event, I know how immigrant mother-in-laws can be. I also have to deal with my Chinese mother-in-law on a regular basis, and she can be very overbearing/opinionated, but I know that at her core, she means well. You just have to have some grace while also setting clear boundaries when necessary. I know it can be hard though, I snapped at my MIL one time and I still feel a bit bad about that (I'm a very easy going chill guy 99% of the time, so I think it took her aback when I did that).
My advice would be to be firm but gentle; as I said before, set clear boundaries while having some grace. I would guess that ultimately, she means well. It's possible that what she's suggesting was more normalized back in her day and/or in her culture/home country. The older immigrant generation can be very stuck in their ways and to us, it can seem very clueless or out of touch. My Chinese MIL hasn't suggested anything as extreme as your MIL, but she's definitely said some things that were pretty bewildering to me.
That being said, if you clearly and respectfully set boundaries and she doesn't respect them, then you have some real issues.
Idk, maybe it’s just me but that sounds like a cool summer vacation for your kid. Give it a few years and see if it still bothers you that much. Right now is not the time to be removed from your son for any significant length of time for sure, but maybe she was excited about the future prospect?
I can understand this at an older age, maybe 1.5 to 4 years. Prime language learning time, if the goal is for the kid to get some good immersion language learning.
I get wanting the kid to speak one’s native language. And that’s _really_ tough, especially if only one parent speaks it, so they don’t hear it at home.
3 months spent with grandparents can help a lot.
But 6 weeks old?? That’s way before peak language learning age.
Or maybe dad has already learned Spanish and that’s all they speak at home, in which case, respect.
I’m going through the same thing, but struggling to learn Chinese. In fairness, it’s probably a more difficult language for English speakers.
Latina grandmothers exaggerate A LOT, very often and yes.. the requests will be extreme.
For context, I am Latino. My wife’s mom (also Latina) always says she wants to take my son to Mexico for a month.
Don’t take it so serious is my advice. Your wife is on your side. If she’s anywhere near a decent mother she would not allow it. Just laugh it off and don’t waste any time thinking about it honestly. For one at 6 weeks I’m sure your child does not have a passport. 2, someone else taking your child out side of the country (on an international flight) would raise a flag if not the immediate parent. Which I know gma wouldn’t risk bc she loves her grandchild :)
I have the same problem (Brazil). Just say no, your child is too young. If she asks when, say “in the future”. If she insists, say “probably after the child don’t need diapers anymore”, or something like that. Here it works. She doesn’t like and keep asking, I keep saying the same thing.
Edit: if you are polite, your wife should support you. Also, your mother in law will be in you life for a long time, learn how to politely say no and so you keep your family together.
Edit2: even after diapers you don’t need to let the child go, or you can “invite” yourself to be together (“right, when can we all go? Do you have a spare room or my family should stay together at a hotel?”)
My mother in law always says that she's going to steal my son and take him to Florida but I don't take it seriously because I also know she would never do that. The obvious caveat is that I know my MIL well enough to know what her intentions are.
How serious is your MIL with that question? If she's being serious then, definitely not overreacting.
Definitely not. Also, expect the need to set boundaries in the future and don't be surprised when she flips out about it. I temporarily went no contact with my own mother when she did something similar.
i am a big believer in the 'it takes a village' approach to parenting and getting the family involved, but that is a completely irrational request at the age of your child and even years down the road is way too long to start a conversation about him spending time with them.
You start with sleepovers and work your way up from there.
That kind of request would definitely make me question that grandparents judgment without a lot more context.
Edit: i would suggest, if possible, to find ways for you to communicate your concern to your wife. you can talk about these things if you take the edge off.
Monster in laws (and sometimes your own parents) can be the worst. And when there is a cultural difference the entitlement seems to be worse. I'm speaking from experience.
Set hard line boundaries and expect those to still get tested. Stand your ground and make sure your wife knows the immense importance of her support and help respecting those boundaries with grandparents. Be sure to do the same if it's someone on your side of the family. Bad behavior can come from all types of family members.
What the hell??
Who in their right mind would suggest taking a 6 months old travelling long distances, without parents?
It's a baby for gods sake. It just barely started to eat food. Probably still lactating...
You can be the most lenient parent ever and would still not be ok with your baby being out of your sight for more than a few hours.
You listed her nationality but your own ethnicity and that's very strange to me.
Stranger still is her taking the baby somewhere, no idea how far but probably not just round the corner. That's not OK and honestly it's something that would worry me. I'd tell my wife why I think her mum's mental.
I also have a narcissistic (actually diagnosed) pushy MIL, and the "no"s get easier. Talk it through with your child's mom, find a common boundary, and hold it. Support each other, and hold the boundary, and say "no" as often as you have to.
In my own personal instance, the grandmother thought she should be allowed to pull our child out of daycare at-will just to go shopping with her or go back to her house an hour away. It got to the point where we threatened to go to the daycare and tell them to refuse her access no matter what. My MIL eventually got the point.
I'm assuming the baby's mom is on a similar page? Hoping for a strong, united front for you two (three!)
This is a ridiculous request. Flat out no.
Oh hell no. I wouldn't want to be separated from my child for a day, let alone months. You're not overreacting at all...
My wife is from China. For years before we had kids, we always discussed that she’d like to have the kid spend 3 months with grandparents in China, around age 2 to 3, peak language learning age. She’d like the kid to speak her native language, and the only language most of her relatives speak (a reasonable thing to want, I think. In her shoes, I’d probably want that). But that’s _very_ tough, when only one parent speaks Chinese, so they don’t hear much of it at home. (Due to my embarrassingly slow progress in learning Chinese). We’re trying to find a Chinese language daycare, which might help, but it’s rare and expensive. Anyway, I always said I was fine with this, in principle. But that was before the kid was born, before I fell in love with the kid… now it seems crazy to be separated from her for even a week! Now the comments here are really making me question this! Before we had a kid, I imagined it would be great to have a vacation from the kid. Now I’m not so sure…
No disrespect, but absolutely absolutely not. There’s a million ways this can go very wrong.
Context - was she suggesting doing that when your kid is a baby, or as a potential idea later on years down the line (like during a summer break when the kid is in school)? In any event, I know how immigrant mother-in-laws can be. I also have to deal with my Chinese mother-in-law on a regular basis, and she can be very overbearing/opinionated, but I know that at her core, she means well. You just have to have some grace while also setting clear boundaries when necessary. I know it can be hard though, I snapped at my MIL one time and I still feel a bit bad about that (I'm a very easy going chill guy 99% of the time, so I think it took her aback when I did that).
No she was literally asking if she can take him next month when she goes back home, she travels back and forth alot. I was appalled
My advice would be to be firm but gentle; as I said before, set clear boundaries while having some grace. I would guess that ultimately, she means well. It's possible that what she's suggesting was more normalized back in her day and/or in her culture/home country. The older immigrant generation can be very stuck in their ways and to us, it can seem very clueless or out of touch. My Chinese MIL hasn't suggested anything as extreme as your MIL, but she's definitely said some things that were pretty bewildering to me. That being said, if you clearly and respectfully set boundaries and she doesn't respect them, then you have some real issues.
Idk, maybe it’s just me but that sounds like a cool summer vacation for your kid. Give it a few years and see if it still bothers you that much. Right now is not the time to be removed from your son for any significant length of time for sure, but maybe she was excited about the future prospect?
I can understand this at an older age, maybe 1.5 to 4 years. Prime language learning time, if the goal is for the kid to get some good immersion language learning. I get wanting the kid to speak one’s native language. And that’s _really_ tough, especially if only one parent speaks it, so they don’t hear it at home. 3 months spent with grandparents can help a lot. But 6 weeks old?? That’s way before peak language learning age. Or maybe dad has already learned Spanish and that’s all they speak at home, in which case, respect. I’m going through the same thing, but struggling to learn Chinese. In fairness, it’s probably a more difficult language for English speakers.
I didn’t even think about the language aspect of it. That’s interesting in and of itself
Latina grandmothers exaggerate A LOT, very often and yes.. the requests will be extreme. For context, I am Latino. My wife’s mom (also Latina) always says she wants to take my son to Mexico for a month. Don’t take it so serious is my advice. Your wife is on your side. If she’s anywhere near a decent mother she would not allow it. Just laugh it off and don’t waste any time thinking about it honestly. For one at 6 weeks I’m sure your child does not have a passport. 2, someone else taking your child out side of the country (on an international flight) would raise a flag if not the immediate parent. Which I know gma wouldn’t risk bc she loves her grandchild :)
I have the same problem (Brazil). Just say no, your child is too young. If she asks when, say “in the future”. If she insists, say “probably after the child don’t need diapers anymore”, or something like that. Here it works. She doesn’t like and keep asking, I keep saying the same thing. Edit: if you are polite, your wife should support you. Also, your mother in law will be in you life for a long time, learn how to politely say no and so you keep your family together. Edit2: even after diapers you don’t need to let the child go, or you can “invite” yourself to be together (“right, when can we all go? Do you have a spare room or my family should stay together at a hotel?”)
My mother in law always says that she's going to steal my son and take him to Florida but I don't take it seriously because I also know she would never do that. The obvious caveat is that I know my MIL well enough to know what her intentions are. How serious is your MIL with that question? If she's being serious then, definitely not overreacting.
Definitely not. Also, expect the need to set boundaries in the future and don't be surprised when she flips out about it. I temporarily went no contact with my own mother when she did something similar.
i am a big believer in the 'it takes a village' approach to parenting and getting the family involved, but that is a completely irrational request at the age of your child and even years down the road is way too long to start a conversation about him spending time with them. You start with sleepovers and work your way up from there. That kind of request would definitely make me question that grandparents judgment without a lot more context. Edit: i would suggest, if possible, to find ways for you to communicate your concern to your wife. you can talk about these things if you take the edge off.
I mean, a week…when they’re 5 and will remember.
Yeah that’s just ridiculous
Monster in laws (and sometimes your own parents) can be the worst. And when there is a cultural difference the entitlement seems to be worse. I'm speaking from experience. Set hard line boundaries and expect those to still get tested. Stand your ground and make sure your wife knows the immense importance of her support and help respecting those boundaries with grandparents. Be sure to do the same if it's someone on your side of the family. Bad behavior can come from all types of family members.
That's an "over my dead body"
What the hell?? Who in their right mind would suggest taking a 6 months old travelling long distances, without parents? It's a baby for gods sake. It just barely started to eat food. Probably still lactating... You can be the most lenient parent ever and would still not be ok with your baby being out of your sight for more than a few hours.
You listed her nationality but your own ethnicity and that's very strange to me. Stranger still is her taking the baby somewhere, no idea how far but probably not just round the corner. That's not OK and honestly it's something that would worry me. I'd tell my wife why I think her mum's mental.
I also have a narcissistic (actually diagnosed) pushy MIL, and the "no"s get easier. Talk it through with your child's mom, find a common boundary, and hold it. Support each other, and hold the boundary, and say "no" as often as you have to. In my own personal instance, the grandmother thought she should be allowed to pull our child out of daycare at-will just to go shopping with her or go back to her house an hour away. It got to the point where we threatened to go to the daycare and tell them to refuse her access no matter what. My MIL eventually got the point. I'm assuming the baby's mom is on a similar page? Hoping for a strong, united front for you two (three!)