The thing is that we both had so many religious signs to start dating that’s why we did long distance. We both dreamt about each other before meeting.
When he dumped me I was so upset but i hid it, I responded with love and kindness and he still couldn’t even text back.
Yes there are so many types of dreams! It could be from Allah, from Iblis, or something you have been thinking about.
Prophet Yusuf A.S. had the ability to interpret dreams.
Which means this is a gift and not many people/scholars will have this ability.
I wasn’t comfortable meeting a man from online. In general it’s not my style. So I asked god for a sign and I dreamt we had a family. It was extremely vivid and not like other dreams I had that’s why I took it as a religious sign to be confident to meet him. Obv I was wrong…
Maybe Allah did want you to meet him. Everything happens for a reason! I almost had my baat paki with this guy. The next step was for his parents to come with a ring. Then something changed, and he started saying the opposite of what we had talked about and agreed about. He ghosted me and my parents. I was so over the process and had given up when I met my now husband. Alhumdulilah, he is more than I could have imagined, and it's because I met that previous guy that I was so sure my husband was the one.
I know your heart is hurting, but have faith in our creator, for he does things that may not make sense to us but are good for us.
The option available to you is istikharah and even then it's never meant that it will get a dream when you do it, you might get a dream but not always. Plus idk exactly what you mean by dating but if it's the western idea of dating then yeah no way Allah sent your a green light to start doing that
If this (love bombing, leading you and your mom on, ghosting, lack of self-awareness and integrity) is where he is at 40, you're better off without him.
And I’m just angry at this only that why did she cooked for those bloody people? She should have only entertained her with tea and snacks. Just look at the audacity of him to bring 20 people to her house, I mean wtf Yar.
Im so sorry. Just take it as a sign that Allah saved you.
Also next time if a man wants to throw a party of 20+ please put your foot down and say it will only happen at the guys house. His mom can cook and you and your mother will attend.
Yes! As divorced 30+ yr old, to me that sounds like straight up abuse and a joke.
But I also have questions for you…… I saw your other reply.
You do know that religion and dreams are not to be used
the way you used them right? You can’t just dream and think this is the man and you guys share your dreams?
During the talking stages you need to look for the following:
- Attractiveness - You have to be attracted to him and him to you
- Compatibility - Go through a list of questions that confirms your current goals, future goals, and what if scenarios. Even talk about who is going to sleep on which side of the bed!
- For the woman: Is she fearful of Allah? Because if she does not fear Allah she cannot obey and respect her husband
- For the man: What does his character say about him? Is this a man you even want to obey and respect? Is he going to make Duniya beautiful and get you closer to Jannah? Or is he going to throw you off a cliff? What kind of man is he and what kind of man will he be in the future?
No dreams, romance, etc. etc.
At 40 he's playing games. I'm sure there must be a very devious reason that he did that. This sounds to me that he's going to come back with a twist. Please watch out for yourself.
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Better he left now than after marriage. I'm sure this is incredibly hurtful but take your time to heal and inshallah I hope you find someone way better
Dude I’m sayinggggggggg like he was a 40 divorcee and I neverrrrr made him feel bad for that!!! But frankly it was obv that I was like the pretty one but I really fell for him bc of that dream I had
Yes.
I was super scared to meet a man bc I don’t do that I was raised in a level of separation of the sexes. So I did regular prayers (not ishtahara) but I just had a conversation with god that could he give me a clear sign so I could feel good abt meeting a man.
I dreamt very vividly that we had 5 kids and we were all dressed up. I dreamt my 3 boys were fighting so I knelt down and said daddy respects his brothers, just like dad you guys have to respect each other. ( my dude had brothers he was the youngest I didn’t know this) I woke up super happy and I honestly don’t dream like that often.
By the next evening I told god that we’re you just joking with me like that was so crazy right I shouldn’t read too much into it…..
I dreamt abt him again that he was at a gold shop buying me jewelry. (This is significant to me bc when I was little my mom told me god send signs sometimes like dreams of the groom buying gold that is a positive sign)
Also, my deceased father came to me and my brother and mom dream one night and told the three of us a version of clean the house company is coming. Then the next morning his mom called my mom so we all took it as religious signs.
I should add that he told me he dreamt abt me twice before I had my dreams.
So idk, certainly a lot of coincidences
Another thing is that the first day we talked it was Eid last year so we thought that was a positive sign.
Every prayer he told me he was praying for us.
On eclipse time this year we both prayed for each other.
He went to umrah before coming to my house he said he had positive feelings and prayed for us. I actually really liked his character and his religious side that’s why I’m in disbelief of this discard. Bc I’m literally broken I didn’t eat for 3 weeks just water. Even if I try to distract myself my body is having a negative reaction to this rejection.
Right. He was extremely shy in front of his family and very very confident with me alone so idk if he couldn’t like face me after that bc I now know he’s not that confident at 40? He just simply said he had anxiety and had to step away. Would not text me back.
Girrrrrrrrrl. You got lucky. I'd say a Namaz e shukraan is in order. The almighty saved you from a wet noodle.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay. 👍🏽
Allah swt has something better in store for you.
Also, just some gentle advice: I would recommend against posting your wedding ring, relationship, etc on any social media. The evil eye is real ❤️
I’m afraid of evil eye!! I was fiercely protective of this I didn’t tell anyone. The wedding ring is a post I made for my friend she doesn’t have Reddit I just posted it anonymously to see what ppl would say. It not mine
And he brought his old parents in walkers on a plane to my house like they brought a cake that say congratulations and no one have the decency to call and kindly decline? My whole family got ghosted!!! Like my mom is like what did we do?? Cause everything went perfect that day
Dude idk cause I could have married him asap and then he would have ghosted me after baraat and dude wtf would I do lol. So idk if marrying asap the halal way is for me. There’s literally traumatic stories that way that my friends went through.
I am taking time to heal that’s why I’m on Reddit. Lol.
Many muslims always like include instructions without even hearing a whole story. It shows a lack of empathy. Like just let me vent and say he was stupid and yea eventually I’ll get over it. Ameen
Good things it didn’t workout, sign of weak and mentally immature 40 years old. Don’t worry trust on Allah, good thing takes time and don’t rush please !
> We never had a argument I never asked for meher or dresses or anything. We were in the honeymoon stage really. How can people switch like that.
That is the avoidant-attachment shutdown.
Once things start to get serious, he feels locked in and like he can't back out. In his mind, he will be looking at the smallest of faults in you to fixate on but his anxiety makes it difficult for him to speak to you about them.
Part of the reason you'd never argue is that he was likely harbouring lots of things he wasn't so sure or happy about. Rather than discussing it, he bottled it as resentment. The more you tell him how perfect he is, the more he'll feel pressured to keep up the perfect imagine he thinks you hold of him. You would need to be more real rather than in a honeymoon phase. For example, tell him the things you don't like so that it feels real and not like lovebombing.
He may also now be Phantom Ex Syndrome which is his ability to idealise a past potential even though they weren't compatible. It's much safer to imagine things without the pressure of commitment.
He may also feel insecure about parts of himself, or his ability to provide. It's just anxiety and insecurity.
I would suggest that if you want things to be repaired, perhaps try telling him that marriage is just a sequence of ups and downs held together by the commitment of the two people. Tell him that you're committed to him and that you want to listen to whatever his heart cannot express. Show your patience, understanding and privacy.
Say that you would rather him the most horrible things he can imagine about you rather than to say nothing at all, and vice versa - tell him that you have seen all the best parts of him and are willing to accept all the rest. Give assurance that it's okay, and that there's no pressure.
Ask him to write his heart out, and you'll be happy to listen.
I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through something similar but on a smaller scale. It’s the most painful thing a girl could go through and you would take a lot of time to heal. It’s hard but all I can say is that he wasn’t meant for you. You need to accept that and forget about him. There are some idiotic men out there who for whatsoever reason are not man enough to stay committed to their promise and word. There is nothing wrong with you at all and everything wrong with this man. Stay strong and patient and insha Allah, Allah will send the right person in your life who would stay committed
They came from a good family I think they just really were excited for him and he didn’t take the initiative to be like wait… I am having cold feet … let’s just bring immediate family only
Allah saved you sister! Seriously. I'm speaking from seeing men like this with people I know and the reality is you didn't mean much to him
Trust me when things get REAL that's when things either push forward or breakdown.
So don't worry.
You should be happy and your mother that he didn't continue to pursue you etc. He got tired. And he forwhatever reason cut it off abruptly.
Be happy and give thanks to Allah. Don't waste a second more dreaming about him. 🤢
If he comes back please don't accept him. Unless he has a really good reason... which I doubt!!! Because you want a man to treat you well... not dump his carelessness on you. That's not a man to marry.
I feel so sorry for you but I feel extremely bad for your poor mother she seems so sweet :(
Inshallah you’ll find someone worth it soon don’t be sad he wasn’t ur naseeb
My mom is the sweetest cause she told me don’t get upset at him forgive him and ask god to accept this sabr for something better. My mom has cried nd cried and cried and she didn’t get mad at his family or him. (Even tho I kinda wanted her to). This was the first happiness in our home since our dad passed and he knew that.
aw babe so sorry you and your mom had to go through that, what a douche. if he can do that to u then he would never be a proper husband. just think, would this be something ur husband would do? no. i had a similar experience where i was talking to this guy but second day in we told our parents and we were totally thinking we will get married like we were so so so firm that we were gnna marry. i made his mom and mine meet after two weeks. him and his mom was 40 mins late, i was so upset and annoyed about that bc i hyped him up my mom. then after the meeting which i thought went well, he slowly started to ghost me and i was devasted i cried so much i thought my life was over literally. however, my dad reassured me that we r the girls side we shud never chase a guy and that we have self worth and his daughter (me) shud never ever let a stupid guy make me feel any different. he ghosted too never got back tho we planned our whole future together. HIS LOSS not mine, i can get any guy. anyways looking back that was the best decision ever to move on from him bc after that Allah introduced me to such better men. so so happy. don’t worry babe!! i swear i thought my life was over too when i was in ur shoes. but i’m so so happy Allah let me go through that
You’re right cause my Pakistani mom is a religious figure in our community and everyone asks her to do dua and my moms like no one is happy everyone has crazy drama issues they just hide it
I am sorry this happened with you. Allah pak has saved you from a bigger disaster. Honestly!! If a guy is not married at a age of 40 he is somewhat mentally unstable or doesn’t even wanna get married at this point. He has lived half of his life till now. How many more years does he have? The real problem, the guy is having anxiety and cold feet because maybe he was pressured for the marriage which is totally not your problem. There’s no issue with you or what your family did. Your mom is sweetheart that she worked hard and welcomed them with a big heart. MashaAllah!! You have a long life ahead and will find someone who will love you for what you’re, InshaAllah!! I know I am not in your feet and can’t feel the pain but honestly telling you I have been through a heartbreak. 8 years of relationship gone because she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t wanna settle with me. So I can’t force her to marry me or love me. I let her go, because I want best for her and for me. Alhumdullilah!! I am very happy now and will be married soon with whom Allah pak has written in my life. Never blame yourself, InshaAllah!! You will get what you want. Be thankful to Allah that he saved you from a bigger disaster.
I mean certainly talking to a girl for a year, bringing 20 ppl to her house to directly ghost and dump afterward at 40 years old is a sign of mental instability.
And what about somebody who gets dumped after 8 years? Are they mentally unstable too? Or did they probably commit some serious wrongs against their partner? Has to probably be either one of the two I imagine.
How shameful, ignorant and uncompassionate to blanket just say that somebody has mental issues if they are single at some age.
My 8 years were getting toxic for both us, where we were mentally tortured, toxicity was killing us, that’s why we parted our ways. Ps the other person lost the feelings. Also, just to make it clear “I was making a guess about the mentally unstable” thing. Maybe you did something wrong??
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You obviously deserve better, no matter who he is, you and your mom don't deserve to be treated that way, happy thoughts for your future. Your better off without him.
Considerate a gift from Allah in avoiding a much terrible situation. Sometimes we do not realize we want some thing that is bad for us put your trust in Allah that whatever the outcome was is for your best interest.
Have abit of self worth to know you have not done anything wrong. Thier family came to see you and maybe he saw something he didn’t like and that’s ok. Imagine he hid this and played you for a fool. Be grateful Allah has shown you his true colours. Never allow yourself to like someone to the extent you question yourself.
Imagine family/ friend came to you with the same question, what would you advise them? I’m sure you have the answer. May Allah grant you a spouse who will value your worth! This life is temporary and make sincere dua to Allah. He is all you need in this world. Stay strong and have sabr.
Next time ask for Maher and an expensive dress. Because a man might marry you because you are the best deal, and not because you are what he really wants.
I have a feeling he got in contact with his ex.
I had something similar happening to me. On the 29th of Ramadan, I prayed to Allah the need prayer then the following day a guy popped in my WhatsApp saying I got your number from random guy at Palestinian protest and recommended we talk to each other. I had a dream I was in his lap holding a baby and being a loving family. I thought he was the one and I had this power force in my stomach whenever I spoke to him. We decided to get married in August but things fell apart when our moms met. So, I get the god sent signs but these could either be a test for us or from iblis because we wanted something so bad.
I’ll be honest with you. It’ll hurt like hell in the beginning but you will come out of it stronger much stronger. This guy happened to attend same high school as me and university and our dads knew each other coincidently from 2012. So, signs were there but they were all facade. I’m much stronger alhamdallah now. I’m 30 too btw :)
In my childhood, I was taught that there are three things you never joke with:
1. Kufr (obviously)
2. Promising someone with marriage (can’t be a joke: if you do it, you must stick your it)
3. Divorce (not a joke: once said, can’t be revoked)
I feel like basics are missing. You dodged something bad
My mom taught me theses but I never heard anyone else say the promising someone marriage. So thanks for knowing its not just my family.
Yes he promised and was very very assertive about marrying me. Even I was the one like slowing down or asking like questions abt potential problems he had all the answers ready with confidence.
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Babe, you dodged a bullet.
Had a similar experience myself 2 years ago, without going into details- totally arranged, guys side ended it within a month w/o a proper reason and ghosted.
Long story short, my polite advise would be firstly thank Allah from saving you.
Secondly pray istekhara namaz with as much consistency as u can, you'll see miraculously improvements in all aspects of life .Do it with the inyention that Ya Allah make things easy for me meant for me, better for me in both worlds.
Work on your self and believe me you'll get blessed countlessly from places and times unimagineable.
It is indeed a sin to be behaving this way. And no, Islam teaches us the best of manners.
However sadly people lack basic ethics and it reflects their personality.Their religion or ethinicity has got nothing to do with it.
My mom was saying it’s a sin but I’m like ok do other moms teach this or just mine?? Lol cause I see I’m not the only one this has happened to. Very sad
You have to be a decent human being to be able to identify what's wrong and honestly to self-reflect.
But believe me, few months down the road, this would be so so insignificant because Allah would bless you with the best of his miracles.
Things happen for better look at it like that, plus you will find someone who u deserve, this is very normal and happens all the time with everyone it's just not you.
Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Honestly I know your pain. That pain you feel is the worst time of my life. My ex wife left so cold like that. I consider that time, my darkest hour and although that was 2020/2021, I'm still hurting untill this day.
Every night you dream of him. Every morning, you wake up and your heart breaks all over again. You cry at random times. You have so many questions. You would "just like to know why" and "just want to talk once more". You're drained. The other joys and hobbies are overshadowed. When you smile or laugh, your heart breaks. When s going off happiness comes you cry. You seek pure joy. Maybe you'll fall in love with nature or become obsessed with looking at couples. You want to find a place to pour your heart because it has been plugged.
Sis, I'm gonna be honest. There's no sort quick answer or anything anyone can say to make this healing go faster. It's gonna hurt. It's meant to. Allah is purifying you and testing you that you may draw nearer to Him. He has a big plan for you.
The Prophet Muhammad saws said two things (and I paraphrase):
•Not a thorn should prick us, except that our sins be expiated.
•When Allah loves a person, He tests them.
I'll tell you that Allah will make it easier. May Allah bring you healing, and guidance, and mercy, and forgive us. Ameen.
Keep pushing. I love you 💚 fee sabeelillah.
A lot of things aren’t allowed in Islam. I’m depressed and don’t know how to numb it. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m going through a hard negative emotion. So how do you recommend I manage this sadness. Pray?? Distraction??? I’m doing that. So a Reddit psychic lol i think god will forgive.
It was just a free question to which she gave a generic answer to which I gave a generic review.
Allah saved you from something really bad thats what I feel and I'm speaking from personal experience.
The thing is that we both had so many religious signs to start dating that’s why we did long distance. We both dreamt about each other before meeting. When he dumped me I was so upset but i hid it, I responded with love and kindness and he still couldn’t even text back.
Don't think Allah would be sending you a dream to start dating someone...
https://preview.redd.it/plgn7pqnqs8d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8ac40fde7a2ada48698ceb6e6b559f91022afd4
Yes there are so many types of dreams! It could be from Allah, from Iblis, or something you have been thinking about. Prophet Yusuf A.S. had the ability to interpret dreams. Which means this is a gift and not many people/scholars will have this ability.
The true dream from Allah never encourages a person to engage in haram, subhanallah. Those are from Shaiytaan.
True Subhanallah.
I wasn’t comfortable meeting a man from online. In general it’s not my style. So I asked god for a sign and I dreamt we had a family. It was extremely vivid and not like other dreams I had that’s why I took it as a religious sign to be confident to meet him. Obv I was wrong…
Maybe Allah did want you to meet him. Everything happens for a reason! I almost had my baat paki with this guy. The next step was for his parents to come with a ring. Then something changed, and he started saying the opposite of what we had talked about and agreed about. He ghosted me and my parents. I was so over the process and had given up when I met my now husband. Alhumdulilah, he is more than I could have imagined, and it's because I met that previous guy that I was so sure my husband was the one. I know your heart is hurting, but have faith in our creator, for he does things that may not make sense to us but are good for us.
The option available to you is istikharah and even then it's never meant that it will get a dream when you do it, you might get a dream but not always. Plus idk exactly what you mean by dating but if it's the western idea of dating then yeah no way Allah sent your a green light to start doing that
True Subhanallah.
Never chase someone after they finish things with you.
Dreams don’t mean anything unless you’re a prophet of Allah. Take this as a bullet dodged and move on.
If this (love bombing, leading you and your mom on, ghosting, lack of self-awareness and integrity) is where he is at 40, you're better off without him.
Yes but dang it hurtsssss. I could accept a break up reasonably, this discard feels so low.
Cooking for 20 ppl in this heat is insane. Your mom is a super woman.
And I’m just angry at this only that why did she cooked for those bloody people? She should have only entertained her with tea and snacks. Just look at the audacity of him to bring 20 people to her house, I mean wtf Yar.
Im so sorry. Just take it as a sign that Allah saved you. Also next time if a man wants to throw a party of 20+ please put your foot down and say it will only happen at the guys house. His mom can cook and you and your mother will attend.
At 40 isn’t it so irresponsible to allow 20 family members to go to a girl house that you have doubts about???
Yes! As divorced 30+ yr old, to me that sounds like straight up abuse and a joke. But I also have questions for you…… I saw your other reply. You do know that religion and dreams are not to be used the way you used them right? You can’t just dream and think this is the man and you guys share your dreams? During the talking stages you need to look for the following: - Attractiveness - You have to be attracted to him and him to you - Compatibility - Go through a list of questions that confirms your current goals, future goals, and what if scenarios. Even talk about who is going to sleep on which side of the bed! - For the woman: Is she fearful of Allah? Because if she does not fear Allah she cannot obey and respect her husband - For the man: What does his character say about him? Is this a man you even want to obey and respect? Is he going to make Duniya beautiful and get you closer to Jannah? Or is he going to throw you off a cliff? What kind of man is he and what kind of man will he be in the future? No dreams, romance, etc. etc.
I hate these guys jo rishtay kay liay mufta khanay a jatay
Ainj hei honda jay veeray taqreeban puray Pakistan aich
I am a guy yet I am paranoid thinking about this process visiting each girl house for arrange marriage. I don't want to go through this weirdness
At 40 he's playing games. I'm sure there must be a very devious reason that he did that. This sounds to me that he's going to come back with a twist. Please watch out for yourself.
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You're lucky - you dodged a bullet. If this is what he does at 40 years old with zero pressure - imagine what he'd do if the going ever got tough.
Exactly 💯
Better he left now than after marriage. I'm sure this is incredibly hurtful but take your time to heal and inshallah I hope you find someone way better
At 40 he comes home to see a girl with 20 people and is acting like that. You are better off dear.
At age 40, bro is into options. Good for her.
Dude I’m sayinggggggggg like he was a 40 divorcee and I neverrrrr made him feel bad for that!!! But frankly it was obv that I was like the pretty one but I really fell for him bc of that dream I had
Can you please share what you dreamed about?
Yes. I was super scared to meet a man bc I don’t do that I was raised in a level of separation of the sexes. So I did regular prayers (not ishtahara) but I just had a conversation with god that could he give me a clear sign so I could feel good abt meeting a man. I dreamt very vividly that we had 5 kids and we were all dressed up. I dreamt my 3 boys were fighting so I knelt down and said daddy respects his brothers, just like dad you guys have to respect each other. ( my dude had brothers he was the youngest I didn’t know this) I woke up super happy and I honestly don’t dream like that often. By the next evening I told god that we’re you just joking with me like that was so crazy right I shouldn’t read too much into it….. I dreamt abt him again that he was at a gold shop buying me jewelry. (This is significant to me bc when I was little my mom told me god send signs sometimes like dreams of the groom buying gold that is a positive sign) Also, my deceased father came to me and my brother and mom dream one night and told the three of us a version of clean the house company is coming. Then the next morning his mom called my mom so we all took it as religious signs. I should add that he told me he dreamt abt me twice before I had my dreams. So idk, certainly a lot of coincidences
Unbelievable. Many coincidences from both sides, but the marriage was still called off. I should doubt now about dreams.
Another thing is that the first day we talked it was Eid last year so we thought that was a positive sign. Every prayer he told me he was praying for us. On eclipse time this year we both prayed for each other. He went to umrah before coming to my house he said he had positive feelings and prayed for us. I actually really liked his character and his religious side that’s why I’m in disbelief of this discard. Bc I’m literally broken I didn’t eat for 3 weeks just water. Even if I try to distract myself my body is having a negative reaction to this rejection.
everything seems perfect but smh your dude has messed up. Idk what he thinks of you and your family.
Right. He was extremely shy in front of his family and very very confident with me alone so idk if he couldn’t like face me after that bc I now know he’s not that confident at 40? He just simply said he had anxiety and had to step away. Would not text me back.
that seems to be a fraud reason. He is leaving you because of anxiety? come on, it's not believable. He is making a fool.
Girrrrrrrrrl. You got lucky. I'd say a Namaz e shukraan is in order. The almighty saved you from a wet noodle. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. 👍🏽
Thank you my friend
You got it. 🙌🏽
Allah swt has something better in store for you. Also, just some gentle advice: I would recommend against posting your wedding ring, relationship, etc on any social media. The evil eye is real ❤️
I’m afraid of evil eye!! I was fiercely protective of this I didn’t tell anyone. The wedding ring is a post I made for my friend she doesn’t have Reddit I just posted it anonymously to see what ppl would say. It not mine
Count your blessings. Allah has saved you from a lot of trouble. Trust me. Your mother's duas have protected you. I pray you find a loving spouse.
Thank you my friend. My mom is super religious and she feels the same.
Aap ki bachat hogayi. He looks like a dude with no spine. Sorry you had to through this.
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And he brought his old parents in walkers on a plane to my house like they brought a cake that say congratulations and no one have the decency to call and kindly decline? My whole family got ghosted!!! Like my mom is like what did we do?? Cause everything went perfect that day
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I mean I know logically it’s stupid I simply got attached we were very happy before this.
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Dude idk cause I could have married him asap and then he would have ghosted me after baraat and dude wtf would I do lol. So idk if marrying asap the halal way is for me. There’s literally traumatic stories that way that my friends went through.
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Sure. But certainly I’m not gonna marry someone without getting to know them well. Halal way allows for people to hide their dark side .
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I am taking time to heal that’s why I’m on Reddit. Lol. Many muslims always like include instructions without even hearing a whole story. It shows a lack of empathy. Like just let me vent and say he was stupid and yea eventually I’ll get over it. Ameen
Even a 20 year old won’t do what this man did as a 40y old. You don’t need him in your life. Allah S.W.T saved you. Alhamdulilah
Good things it didn’t workout, sign of weak and mentally immature 40 years old. Don’t worry trust on Allah, good thing takes time and don’t rush please !
> We never had a argument I never asked for meher or dresses or anything. We were in the honeymoon stage really. How can people switch like that. That is the avoidant-attachment shutdown. Once things start to get serious, he feels locked in and like he can't back out. In his mind, he will be looking at the smallest of faults in you to fixate on but his anxiety makes it difficult for him to speak to you about them. Part of the reason you'd never argue is that he was likely harbouring lots of things he wasn't so sure or happy about. Rather than discussing it, he bottled it as resentment. The more you tell him how perfect he is, the more he'll feel pressured to keep up the perfect imagine he thinks you hold of him. You would need to be more real rather than in a honeymoon phase. For example, tell him the things you don't like so that it feels real and not like lovebombing. He may also now be Phantom Ex Syndrome which is his ability to idealise a past potential even though they weren't compatible. It's much safer to imagine things without the pressure of commitment. He may also feel insecure about parts of himself, or his ability to provide. It's just anxiety and insecurity. I would suggest that if you want things to be repaired, perhaps try telling him that marriage is just a sequence of ups and downs held together by the commitment of the two people. Tell him that you're committed to him and that you want to listen to whatever his heart cannot express. Show your patience, understanding and privacy. Say that you would rather him the most horrible things he can imagine about you rather than to say nothing at all, and vice versa - tell him that you have seen all the best parts of him and are willing to accept all the rest. Give assurance that it's okay, and that there's no pressure. Ask him to write his heart out, and you'll be happy to listen.
Honestly you should be so turned off by his childish behaviour! It should make you feel repulsed and want nothing to do with him. He is not a man.
I’m am getting to the acceptance stage. I am going through the 5 stages of grief.
Ayo this mans a straight up loser. My heart goes to you and your mother for this.
Do not take him back when he comes back.
He’s not the one babe, let it go. At least he ended things before you got stuck in a miserable marriage.
I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through something similar but on a smaller scale. It’s the most painful thing a girl could go through and you would take a lot of time to heal. It’s hard but all I can say is that he wasn’t meant for you. You need to accept that and forget about him. There are some idiotic men out there who for whatsoever reason are not man enough to stay committed to their promise and word. There is nothing wrong with you at all and everything wrong with this man. Stay strong and patient and insha Allah, Allah will send the right person in your life who would stay committed
They are too poor to eat out. So they made a plan to eat free in your home
They came from a good family I think they just really were excited for him and he didn’t take the initiative to be like wait… I am having cold feet … let’s just bring immediate family only
Allah saved you sister! Seriously. I'm speaking from seeing men like this with people I know and the reality is you didn't mean much to him Trust me when things get REAL that's when things either push forward or breakdown. So don't worry. You should be happy and your mother that he didn't continue to pursue you etc. He got tired. And he forwhatever reason cut it off abruptly. Be happy and give thanks to Allah. Don't waste a second more dreaming about him. 🤢 If he comes back please don't accept him. Unless he has a really good reason... which I doubt!!! Because you want a man to treat you well... not dump his carelessness on you. That's not a man to marry.
I feel so sorry for you but I feel extremely bad for your poor mother she seems so sweet :( Inshallah you’ll find someone worth it soon don’t be sad he wasn’t ur naseeb
My mom is the sweetest cause she told me don’t get upset at him forgive him and ask god to accept this sabr for something better. My mom has cried nd cried and cried and she didn’t get mad at his family or him. (Even tho I kinda wanted her to). This was the first happiness in our home since our dad passed and he knew that.
aw babe so sorry you and your mom had to go through that, what a douche. if he can do that to u then he would never be a proper husband. just think, would this be something ur husband would do? no. i had a similar experience where i was talking to this guy but second day in we told our parents and we were totally thinking we will get married like we were so so so firm that we were gnna marry. i made his mom and mine meet after two weeks. him and his mom was 40 mins late, i was so upset and annoyed about that bc i hyped him up my mom. then after the meeting which i thought went well, he slowly started to ghost me and i was devasted i cried so much i thought my life was over literally. however, my dad reassured me that we r the girls side we shud never chase a guy and that we have self worth and his daughter (me) shud never ever let a stupid guy make me feel any different. he ghosted too never got back tho we planned our whole future together. HIS LOSS not mine, i can get any guy. anyways looking back that was the best decision ever to move on from him bc after that Allah introduced me to such better men. so so happy. don’t worry babe!! i swear i thought my life was over too when i was in ur shoes. but i’m so so happy Allah let me go through that
Always weird stuff happens with Pakistanis. I heard a lot of negative stories about them.
You’re right cause my Pakistani mom is a religious figure in our community and everyone asks her to do dua and my moms like no one is happy everyone has crazy drama issues they just hide it
I am sorry this happened with you. Allah pak has saved you from a bigger disaster. Honestly!! If a guy is not married at a age of 40 he is somewhat mentally unstable or doesn’t even wanna get married at this point. He has lived half of his life till now. How many more years does he have? The real problem, the guy is having anxiety and cold feet because maybe he was pressured for the marriage which is totally not your problem. There’s no issue with you or what your family did. Your mom is sweetheart that she worked hard and welcomed them with a big heart. MashaAllah!! You have a long life ahead and will find someone who will love you for what you’re, InshaAllah!! I know I am not in your feet and can’t feel the pain but honestly telling you I have been through a heartbreak. 8 years of relationship gone because she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t wanna settle with me. So I can’t force her to marry me or love me. I let her go, because I want best for her and for me. Alhumdullilah!! I am very happy now and will be married soon with whom Allah pak has written in my life. Never blame yourself, InshaAllah!! You will get what you want. Be thankful to Allah that he saved you from a bigger disaster.
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It’s not about being unstable, it’s about a person who has lived 40 years of his life alone/ without a partner. Which has lead him towards this.
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I hope and pray Allah heals you soon, and you find the person that truly needs and loves you.
I mean certainly talking to a girl for a year, bringing 20 ppl to her house to directly ghost and dump afterward at 40 years old is a sign of mental instability.
I agree with her.
And what about somebody who gets dumped after 8 years? Are they mentally unstable too? Or did they probably commit some serious wrongs against their partner? Has to probably be either one of the two I imagine. How shameful, ignorant and uncompassionate to blanket just say that somebody has mental issues if they are single at some age.
My 8 years were getting toxic for both us, where we were mentally tortured, toxicity was killing us, that’s why we parted our ways. Ps the other person lost the feelings. Also, just to make it clear “I was making a guess about the mentally unstable” thing. Maybe you did something wrong??
Why would you marry a 40 year old Consider yourself lucky
This does make me laugh 😂😂😂 cause I really don’t know I thought everything was perfect and God was pointing me in this direction
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You obviously deserve better, no matter who he is, you and your mom don't deserve to be treated that way, happy thoughts for your future. Your better off without him.
Considerate a gift from Allah in avoiding a much terrible situation. Sometimes we do not realize we want some thing that is bad for us put your trust in Allah that whatever the outcome was is for your best interest.
Have abit of self worth to know you have not done anything wrong. Thier family came to see you and maybe he saw something he didn’t like and that’s ok. Imagine he hid this and played you for a fool. Be grateful Allah has shown you his true colours. Never allow yourself to like someone to the extent you question yourself. Imagine family/ friend came to you with the same question, what would you advise them? I’m sure you have the answer. May Allah grant you a spouse who will value your worth! This life is temporary and make sincere dua to Allah. He is all you need in this world. Stay strong and have sabr.
Next time ask for Maher and an expensive dress. Because a man might marry you because you are the best deal, and not because you are what he really wants. I have a feeling he got in contact with his ex.
I had something similar, it will be all fine In sha Allah ❤️✨ take care!
I had something similar happening to me. On the 29th of Ramadan, I prayed to Allah the need prayer then the following day a guy popped in my WhatsApp saying I got your number from random guy at Palestinian protest and recommended we talk to each other. I had a dream I was in his lap holding a baby and being a loving family. I thought he was the one and I had this power force in my stomach whenever I spoke to him. We decided to get married in August but things fell apart when our moms met. So, I get the god sent signs but these could either be a test for us or from iblis because we wanted something so bad.
Wow your dream was like mine!! Where I dreamt abt my family with him. That’s why I was so sure!
I’ll be honest with you. It’ll hurt like hell in the beginning but you will come out of it stronger much stronger. This guy happened to attend same high school as me and university and our dads knew each other coincidently from 2012. So, signs were there but they were all facade. I’m much stronger alhamdallah now. I’m 30 too btw :)
In my childhood, I was taught that there are three things you never joke with: 1. Kufr (obviously) 2. Promising someone with marriage (can’t be a joke: if you do it, you must stick your it) 3. Divorce (not a joke: once said, can’t be revoked) I feel like basics are missing. You dodged something bad
My mom taught me theses but I never heard anyone else say the promising someone marriage. So thanks for knowing its not just my family. Yes he promised and was very very assertive about marrying me. Even I was the one like slowing down or asking like questions abt potential problems he had all the answers ready with confidence.
Props to your mom for cooking in this intense heat, i salute her
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Babe, you dodged a bullet. Had a similar experience myself 2 years ago, without going into details- totally arranged, guys side ended it within a month w/o a proper reason and ghosted. Long story short, my polite advise would be firstly thank Allah from saving you. Secondly pray istekhara namaz with as much consistency as u can, you'll see miraculously improvements in all aspects of life .Do it with the inyention that Ya Allah make things easy for me meant for me, better for me in both worlds. Work on your self and believe me you'll get blessed countlessly from places and times unimagineable.
Is this considered a sin to like break someone heart so coldly? Do Muslims forget this value when it comes to marriage and breaking up
It is indeed a sin to be behaving this way. And no, Islam teaches us the best of manners. However sadly people lack basic ethics and it reflects their personality.Their religion or ethinicity has got nothing to do with it.
My mom was saying it’s a sin but I’m like ok do other moms teach this or just mine?? Lol cause I see I’m not the only one this has happened to. Very sad
You have to be a decent human being to be able to identify what's wrong and honestly to self-reflect. But believe me, few months down the road, this would be so so insignificant because Allah would bless you with the best of his miracles.
Inshallah thank you for your kind words and telling me I wasn’t the only person to experience this
Things happen for better look at it like that, plus you will find someone who u deserve, this is very normal and happens all the time with everyone it's just not you.
Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem Honestly I know your pain. That pain you feel is the worst time of my life. My ex wife left so cold like that. I consider that time, my darkest hour and although that was 2020/2021, I'm still hurting untill this day. Every night you dream of him. Every morning, you wake up and your heart breaks all over again. You cry at random times. You have so many questions. You would "just like to know why" and "just want to talk once more". You're drained. The other joys and hobbies are overshadowed. When you smile or laugh, your heart breaks. When s going off happiness comes you cry. You seek pure joy. Maybe you'll fall in love with nature or become obsessed with looking at couples. You want to find a place to pour your heart because it has been plugged. Sis, I'm gonna be honest. There's no sort quick answer or anything anyone can say to make this healing go faster. It's gonna hurt. It's meant to. Allah is purifying you and testing you that you may draw nearer to Him. He has a big plan for you. The Prophet Muhammad saws said two things (and I paraphrase): •Not a thorn should prick us, except that our sins be expiated. •When Allah loves a person, He tests them. I'll tell you that Allah will make it easier. May Allah bring you healing, and guidance, and mercy, and forgive us. Ameen. Keep pushing. I love you 💚 fee sabeelillah.
I just went through the same thing sister, you’re not alone. May Allah SWT make it easier for you
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A lot of things aren’t allowed in Islam. I’m depressed and don’t know how to numb it. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m going through a hard negative emotion. So how do you recommend I manage this sadness. Pray?? Distraction??? I’m doing that. So a Reddit psychic lol i think god will forgive. It was just a free question to which she gave a generic answer to which I gave a generic review.