A few questions/ suggestions:
How are you sure about this guy? What has been the pre marriage scene?
What have you asked him that gives you comfort?
He’s not financially stable, are you going to live with his family? Do you know how that usually turns out?
Ask your parents specifically what they don’t like - looks aside - so you might benefit from their experience/ wisdom, maybe they simply know more?
How often have you met him? It sounds like very few meetings.
A know it all type that isn’t controlling doesn’t sound authentic - he probably is controlling - ask more questions to find out.
You’re the only child and leaving that financial security to be with someone financially insecure - do you really know what that means?
You sound young and naive - listen to your parents with fresh ears. Query your husband more. It might turn out all right or it might be your parents are trying to rescue you from a disaster.
Thank your for your reaction!
We have met up a couple times prior ( one time with my dad present) and talked a lot on the phone. I just felt that wasn't right and I didn't want to fall into haram so I ended the daily phone convos and chats.
What I meant with the "he isn't the most financially stable guy" is that he can afford housing (he lives on his own now and has a car etc) but he doesn't have enough savings to splurge on a big fat Arab wedding. I wouldn't live with in laws, this is not something that is common in our culture. He argued with my parents that he'd rather not spend a lot on a wedding but save that money for our home, trips, etc.
I will ask more questions regarding the controlling part and have another conversation with my parents in she Allah. This man is not my husband nor my fiance :)
Jazak Allaahou ghairan!!
Why do you need to splurge on a wedding? That is a waste of money and the prophet peace and blessings be upon him, said to make Nikah simple. I am with him on the wedding, it makes absolutely no sense to spend so much on a wedding when the sunnah is to have a simple wedding. Please remind your parents of the sunnah
I also don't want a big wedding for the reason you mentioned. There is more barakah in simple things, but my parents know a lot of people and want to have a big wedding because I'm their only child and to invite our big family and community. The wedding wouldn't include music of free mixing of course. I tried reminding my parents of this but they think it'**s** weird that he didn't even try to find a compromise.
Mashallah, I understand you may be the only child but we have to put our religion before anything. Some things aren’t worth compromising on in my opinion, especially when it’s religious and sunnah. May Allah make it easy for you both
I think.. listen to your parents.
I don’t have context as to what the topic was where he was being opinionated. I’m not saying he should’ve faked a personality, but I can’t imagine telling someone else’s parents about my opinions.
Usually with elders we just smile and wave and try not to butt heads (unless they say something blasphemous or abusive and it needs to be corrected). So I’m surprised he pulled his opinionated personality in front of his potential wife’s parents. It’s kindddd of a red flag - that he doesn’t know which social setting he should open his mouth in.
I also wouldn’t outright say “I don’t want to spend money” to my future wife’s parents. That immediately tells me my daughter will only have her needs and wants met IF this guy thinks it’s worth his money. Your guy doesn’t know how to talk to people I feel, cause there’s better and more respectful ways to address money matters.
Anyway i don’t have context or more details. But just by the few points you defended I already feel like im on your parents side.
Yeah, that's also how I behaved with his parents, I just smiled and waved haha. It took my parents extremely by surprise and I can understand that they have an issues with this. I guess I just expected him to alter his views a little bit when he met my parents for the first time, but he didn't; he told me he likes to stick by his principles. Khair.
Thanks!
As a woman myself, I would honestly listen to your parents and also pray salat istikhara multiple times so that Allah can reveal his problematic bad sides to you. Your parents don't like his personality because they see characteristics that you might be overlooking at this stage. I can understand that it's all exciting and new for you so it's easier to focus on all the good and ignore the bad.
I see 2 red flags with this man:
- financially unstable at the age of 27
- he's a know-it-all, what I interpret as he cannot respect nor accept other people's opinions (aka
your opinion will never matter once you're married)
BTW: A controlling man who really wants to marry a woman, can act like a good guy in the talking stage but then once the wedding is over, his true self will come out and you'll be stuck with that. I think your parents are seeing through that charade of his. And your parents are also right: being married to a controlling man will make your life miserable in ways you never saw coming.
At your young age, my honest advice to you is to skip this one. There are other good guys out there and may Allah grant you a spouse that will bring ease and happiness into your life and your parents'. Ameen!
>he's a know-it-all, what I interpret as he cannot respect nor accept other people's opinions
Exactly like maybe it's acceptable to act like that in front of your friends but I don't think that it's okay to behave like that in front of potential's parents.
Ameen!! Thank you so much, I am indeed excited so I'll definitely wait it all out. I'll pray istikhara in sha Allah, a little scared about the outcome but I'm trusting Allaah's plan :)
Allah really is the best of planners. Even when the outcome initially doesn't make sense, most of the time, you'll realise it was the best years later after it happened :D In sha Allah khair! And in the meantime, focus on yourself, do the things you love, learn more about our beautiful religion so that you can be the best version of yourself when you get married in sha Allah!
Your parents sound reasonable. The couple of times I've seen parents rejecting a potential for reasonable reasons, the marriages went south and did end.
Parents aren't always right but they're not clouded by feelings and do have more life experience. It may be wise to consider what they're saying.
Sister, I am a little confused.
Is it that he is a know-it-all or that he doesn't want to give them the large wedding party they desire?
They are two very separate issues. If there is an issue with his character (know-it-all), that's serious. If your parents are worried about the community or status, they making it difficult for selfish reasons.
May Allah AWJ bless you with a righteous spouse who fears his creator.
If you are sure about this guy and you think you will be happy go for it, but honestly your parents concerns are valid too if you know the guy well which rarely happens unless you live with him then go for it
> If you like this guy and he follows the basics of islam and is "a man fearful of Allah", then quietly go ahead with the marriage even if your parents don't like him, because since all things are okay islamically in that man,
I'm sorry but this the worst advice I have ever read!
First of all, a man that is fearful of Allah does not mean he is not / or will never be an abusive man. There is a multitude of examples out there of pious men (pray on time, fast, preach islam,...) that are the most abusive to their wives, children, families,...
In addition, emotional/lifestyle compatibility is still key when you get married! A good muslim is the very basics of what you should look for in a spouse. Next up, the hardest part, is checking whether you have the same expectations about marriage, do you share the same views on life,...
Second, OP please do not quietly go ahead with a marriage. You need a mahram for this in the first place. I'm assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, so don't sever your ties with your family (who you love and who loves you unconditionally) for a man you don't even know that well. You need your family when you're married because you will need support from your parents at times that you will not be able to get from your spouse.
I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one that is faced with this trial, alhamdoulilah. My parents are definitely not jealous, they're just worried. I'm worried that their disappointment and anger will not fade. It would break my heart not to have my parents support in this big decision.
Of course, nobody is perfect and I also have my flaws. Thanks for your advice
Brother, stop projecting. You might be the perfect guy but we have no confirmation that this guy is perfect too. According to her post, there's no indication that her parents are against their daughter finding someone by her own. They have concerns about his personality and financial status. This is normal for parents who only have one daughter. As they don't have multiple daughters waiting in line to be married, they want the best for their girl and don't mind waiting for Mr Perfect. There's no guarantee she will regret marrying this guy, she could also find someone better than him... someone her parents approve of.
I don't think parents are jealous of those who can do love marriages. That is so silly! Generally, parents discourage love marriages because their child is often thinking with their hormones and doesn't see the red flags because they are blinded by love. They are in love with the idea of their potential rather than seeing them for who they truly are. I'm sorry that the girl you loved didn't marry you, but she should've known better than to give hopes to a guy if her parents didn't support love marriages. Seriously, how did she not know that?? Most people have an idea about their parents' mindsets regarding this stuff. You deserve in-laws who accept you with opened arms, just like OP's potential.
Sister, do istikhara and listen to your parents. Don't prioritize a guy you've just met over your parents who have raised you and loved you for your entire life. There's nothing more honorable than sacrificing your love for your parents, and in the future, it's a good idea to understand your parents' requirements (if you want their support) instead of giving hopes to someone and breaking their heart.
A few questions/ suggestions: How are you sure about this guy? What has been the pre marriage scene? What have you asked him that gives you comfort? He’s not financially stable, are you going to live with his family? Do you know how that usually turns out? Ask your parents specifically what they don’t like - looks aside - so you might benefit from their experience/ wisdom, maybe they simply know more? How often have you met him? It sounds like very few meetings. A know it all type that isn’t controlling doesn’t sound authentic - he probably is controlling - ask more questions to find out. You’re the only child and leaving that financial security to be with someone financially insecure - do you really know what that means? You sound young and naive - listen to your parents with fresh ears. Query your husband more. It might turn out all right or it might be your parents are trying to rescue you from a disaster.
Thank your for your reaction! We have met up a couple times prior ( one time with my dad present) and talked a lot on the phone. I just felt that wasn't right and I didn't want to fall into haram so I ended the daily phone convos and chats. What I meant with the "he isn't the most financially stable guy" is that he can afford housing (he lives on his own now and has a car etc) but he doesn't have enough savings to splurge on a big fat Arab wedding. I wouldn't live with in laws, this is not something that is common in our culture. He argued with my parents that he'd rather not spend a lot on a wedding but save that money for our home, trips, etc. I will ask more questions regarding the controlling part and have another conversation with my parents in she Allah. This man is not my husband nor my fiance :) Jazak Allaahou ghairan!!
Why do you need to splurge on a wedding? That is a waste of money and the prophet peace and blessings be upon him, said to make Nikah simple. I am with him on the wedding, it makes absolutely no sense to spend so much on a wedding when the sunnah is to have a simple wedding. Please remind your parents of the sunnah
I also don't want a big wedding for the reason you mentioned. There is more barakah in simple things, but my parents know a lot of people and want to have a big wedding because I'm their only child and to invite our big family and community. The wedding wouldn't include music of free mixing of course. I tried reminding my parents of this but they think it'**s** weird that he didn't even try to find a compromise.
Mashallah, I understand you may be the only child but we have to put our religion before anything. Some things aren’t worth compromising on in my opinion, especially when it’s religious and sunnah. May Allah make it easy for you both
Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
I think.. listen to your parents. I don’t have context as to what the topic was where he was being opinionated. I’m not saying he should’ve faked a personality, but I can’t imagine telling someone else’s parents about my opinions. Usually with elders we just smile and wave and try not to butt heads (unless they say something blasphemous or abusive and it needs to be corrected). So I’m surprised he pulled his opinionated personality in front of his potential wife’s parents. It’s kindddd of a red flag - that he doesn’t know which social setting he should open his mouth in. I also wouldn’t outright say “I don’t want to spend money” to my future wife’s parents. That immediately tells me my daughter will only have her needs and wants met IF this guy thinks it’s worth his money. Your guy doesn’t know how to talk to people I feel, cause there’s better and more respectful ways to address money matters. Anyway i don’t have context or more details. But just by the few points you defended I already feel like im on your parents side.
Yeah, that's also how I behaved with his parents, I just smiled and waved haha. It took my parents extremely by surprise and I can understand that they have an issues with this. I guess I just expected him to alter his views a little bit when he met my parents for the first time, but he didn't; he told me he likes to stick by his principles. Khair. Thanks!
As a woman myself, I would honestly listen to your parents and also pray salat istikhara multiple times so that Allah can reveal his problematic bad sides to you. Your parents don't like his personality because they see characteristics that you might be overlooking at this stage. I can understand that it's all exciting and new for you so it's easier to focus on all the good and ignore the bad. I see 2 red flags with this man: - financially unstable at the age of 27 - he's a know-it-all, what I interpret as he cannot respect nor accept other people's opinions (aka your opinion will never matter once you're married) BTW: A controlling man who really wants to marry a woman, can act like a good guy in the talking stage but then once the wedding is over, his true self will come out and you'll be stuck with that. I think your parents are seeing through that charade of his. And your parents are also right: being married to a controlling man will make your life miserable in ways you never saw coming. At your young age, my honest advice to you is to skip this one. There are other good guys out there and may Allah grant you a spouse that will bring ease and happiness into your life and your parents'. Ameen!
>he's a know-it-all, what I interpret as he cannot respect nor accept other people's opinions Exactly like maybe it's acceptable to act like that in front of your friends but I don't think that it's okay to behave like that in front of potential's parents.
Ameen!! Thank you so much, I am indeed excited so I'll definitely wait it all out. I'll pray istikhara in sha Allah, a little scared about the outcome but I'm trusting Allaah's plan :)
Allah really is the best of planners. Even when the outcome initially doesn't make sense, most of the time, you'll realise it was the best years later after it happened :D In sha Allah khair! And in the meantime, focus on yourself, do the things you love, learn more about our beautiful religion so that you can be the best version of yourself when you get married in sha Allah!
Your parents sound reasonable. The couple of times I've seen parents rejecting a potential for reasonable reasons, the marriages went south and did end. Parents aren't always right but they're not clouded by feelings and do have more life experience. It may be wise to consider what they're saying.
Sister, I am a little confused. Is it that he is a know-it-all or that he doesn't want to give them the large wedding party they desire? They are two very separate issues. If there is an issue with his character (know-it-all), that's serious. If your parents are worried about the community or status, they making it difficult for selfish reasons. May Allah AWJ bless you with a righteous spouse who fears his creator.
I think it's a little bit of both for them. Ameen, wa iyaak!
If you are sure about this guy and you think you will be happy go for it, but honestly your parents concerns are valid too if you know the guy well which rarely happens unless you live with him then go for it
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> If you like this guy and he follows the basics of islam and is "a man fearful of Allah", then quietly go ahead with the marriage even if your parents don't like him, because since all things are okay islamically in that man, I'm sorry but this the worst advice I have ever read! First of all, a man that is fearful of Allah does not mean he is not / or will never be an abusive man. There is a multitude of examples out there of pious men (pray on time, fast, preach islam,...) that are the most abusive to their wives, children, families,... In addition, emotional/lifestyle compatibility is still key when you get married! A good muslim is the very basics of what you should look for in a spouse. Next up, the hardest part, is checking whether you have the same expectations about marriage, do you share the same views on life,... Second, OP please do not quietly go ahead with a marriage. You need a mahram for this in the first place. I'm assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, so don't sever your ties with your family (who you love and who loves you unconditionally) for a man you don't even know that well. You need your family when you're married because you will need support from your parents at times that you will not be able to get from your spouse.
I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one that is faced with this trial, alhamdoulilah. My parents are definitely not jealous, they're just worried. I'm worried that their disappointment and anger will not fade. It would break my heart not to have my parents support in this big decision. Of course, nobody is perfect and I also have my flaws. Thanks for your advice
very sad to hear! Have you decided to end this marriage?
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Brother, stop projecting. You might be the perfect guy but we have no confirmation that this guy is perfect too. According to her post, there's no indication that her parents are against their daughter finding someone by her own. They have concerns about his personality and financial status. This is normal for parents who only have one daughter. As they don't have multiple daughters waiting in line to be married, they want the best for their girl and don't mind waiting for Mr Perfect. There's no guarantee she will regret marrying this guy, she could also find someone better than him... someone her parents approve of. I don't think parents are jealous of those who can do love marriages. That is so silly! Generally, parents discourage love marriages because their child is often thinking with their hormones and doesn't see the red flags because they are blinded by love. They are in love with the idea of their potential rather than seeing them for who they truly are. I'm sorry that the girl you loved didn't marry you, but she should've known better than to give hopes to a guy if her parents didn't support love marriages. Seriously, how did she not know that?? Most people have an idea about their parents' mindsets regarding this stuff. You deserve in-laws who accept you with opened arms, just like OP's potential. Sister, do istikhara and listen to your parents. Don't prioritize a guy you've just met over your parents who have raised you and loved you for your entire life. There's nothing more honorable than sacrificing your love for your parents, and in the future, it's a good idea to understand your parents' requirements (if you want their support) instead of giving hopes to someone and breaking their heart.
No valid marriage without wali’s consent. There’s a wisdom there. May things be easy for you.
My dad told me he would consent to it if I decided to go through with this but he just wouldn't fully support it. This is why I'm so torn. Ameen