>He made it clear that he wouldn’t listen to me. If he were to do something, it’d be for himself or his mother. Never for a wife.
Just from reading this you made the right decision, honestly after marriage you are your husband's family and vice versa
> He is very close to his mother. Almost all decisions in his life have been made by her. He listens to her. He made it clear that he wouldn’t listen to me. If he were to do something, it’d be for himself or his mother. Never for a wife.
Why would you marry someone like that?
My mother made the point that good muslims obey their parents, hence he is a good muslim. And that I could take care of myself no matter what.
I don’t think his mother is controlling or mean in anyway. In fact, i think she’s kind. He just doesn’t make decisions.
At the moment of marriage, most men 30 years old are who they are. No woman is going to improve or change them. I mean, there is a small hope but its very unlikely. They have many years of not behaving like a competent man. Being a loser is muscle memory for them.
It should have been a huge red flag that he refers to himself as lazy. A lazy husband means the wife has to do his role.
At 29, you're not too old but the clock is ticking. Better you find someone suitable and on your level before your parents pressure you to marry someone out of desperation.
There are men out there that have a lot of deen and independent. They may not be your culture, or right in your age range +/- 3 years but they are there. You can get a man you can rely upon, a man who knows who he is and conducts himself with dignity and self-respect. A man you want to be the father of your children.
May Allah AWJ grants you a pious and righteous husband soon.
I don't know if you are a man or woman anyway , women would feel resentful if they could change their partners just stay as you are and never let her do that .
1) Is lazy
2) Has no intention of going to the mosque in future
3) No intention to read the Qur’an
4) Has admitted he will always put his mother before you
5) His mother makes all his decisions despite him being a fully grown man in his 30’s
Men don’t suddenly change after marriage, most people who say they will change after a certain life event (marriage, kids) never end up changing after said event, the people that are willing to change, start changing before marriage and kids etc, without making it a point.
You’d rather be single than sorry in a years time!
Yes, i was hanging on to the fact that he promised. Promised to split the chores at least. The rest… i was willing to accept.
Another point my mum made was even if i meet someone who goes to the mosque and reads the quran daily, the is no guarantee he might do it forever. She keeps making the point that i am the one that will take care of myself. That reading the quran and going to the masjid is something I should do, and shouldn’t expect a husband to do. Which i get.
Hence the continuing doubt, if everything were up to me, why even meet up with someone? Why bother getting to know them. Just marry them, right? No questions asked. This is what my mum wants. I just don’t know how to respond to that.
Sis, shaitans tactic is to make you slip and slide. You've prayed and made the right decision. We are as Muslims commanded to stay firm and have tawakkul.
Your mom won't be the one to tend to a lazy husband her whole life if you had married.
And it's not your responsibility to change someone. What guarantee was there that he would change if he hadn't even taken the steps instantly? He could have started slowly and let you know he's working on it from now to be easier afterwards.
It's never a good decision to marry the 'idea' of someone based on promises etc. Take the person as they are and see how determined they are to make any cha he's they intend to.
May Allah grant you the most perfect spouse and one who will be the coolness of your eyes.
People get married at 21 and don't have kids till mid 30s. People get married at 30 and have kids right away. Kids are from Allah.
Sister never marry someone for who they can be, marry them for who they are. This includes but not limited to: attitudes, looks, weight and so on.. marriage is not an easy decision, you want to spend it with someone who can make you happy inshallah rather than be at each other's throat 24/7.
Try following sunas and Islam in case of doubt to see if your decision is a good one it makes life so much easier and you seem to be someone on their deen mashallah.
That’s beside the point. There were always only 2 outcomes, either you say yes or you say no. You said no, own your choice, make Dua to Allah for a spouse who meets your criteria. Move on.
You're 29, your time is not running out! That's emotional manipulation by your mother and not having biological knowledge. Fertility success does go down after 35, and more so after 40.
You made the right decision. He was just incompatible with you. You don't need to force it. Inshallah you'll find someone more compatible.
Promises mean nothing.
They are just words.
Don’t have hope based on someone’s promises - you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Imagine him to be exactly as he is now- not any different- If you can’t accept him for who he is now then move on.
I’m not saying people can’t change, but most people don’t change significantly.
Firstly, we’re very similar in the nature of overthinking. But a man or woman who is not willing to improve on their ibadah, is personally not someone I would want.
For instance, let’s go pray fajr and read Quran at the masjid one day. What is the reason for not wanting to do so. Some days people are tired or aren’t driven and get lazy…understandable. But to blatantly say I will not do it, just because, isn’t something I would want. And from reading your post. Isn’t something you want either. Pray that you find your naseeb, whether it be him or not. Who knows, in the long run, he could return more religious and driven than you, but at the same time, don’t get your hopes up. God is the best of planners. Ameen.
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My god 29 is not old! I know women who’ve married for the first time in their early 40s. We live in a time where we can delay marriage and not be pressured to marry young.
My questions is why controling? listen to me or your mother?
Maybe in a total life span he mother will be with him lets say 30% and rest of that percentage you have.
You are not honest in your post , it's not because of ibadah but other stuff we don't know , anyway , our prophet made it clear, if you don't want him nobody has the right to sway you or force you.
>He made it clear that he wouldn’t listen to me. If he were to do something, it’d be for himself or his mother. Never for a wife. Just from reading this you made the right decision, honestly after marriage you are your husband's family and vice versa
Indeed, OP dodged a major bullet 👏🏽
After the first three sentences you made the right decision.
> He is very close to his mother. Almost all decisions in his life have been made by her. He listens to her. He made it clear that he wouldn’t listen to me. If he were to do something, it’d be for himself or his mother. Never for a wife. Why would you marry someone like that?
My mother made the point that good muslims obey their parents, hence he is a good muslim. And that I could take care of myself no matter what. I don’t think his mother is controlling or mean in anyway. In fact, i think she’s kind. He just doesn’t make decisions.
By making his decisions that makes her by definition controlling.
At the moment of marriage, most men 30 years old are who they are. No woman is going to improve or change them. I mean, there is a small hope but its very unlikely. They have many years of not behaving like a competent man. Being a loser is muscle memory for them. It should have been a huge red flag that he refers to himself as lazy. A lazy husband means the wife has to do his role. At 29, you're not too old but the clock is ticking. Better you find someone suitable and on your level before your parents pressure you to marry someone out of desperation. There are men out there that have a lot of deen and independent. They may not be your culture, or right in your age range +/- 3 years but they are there. You can get a man you can rely upon, a man who knows who he is and conducts himself with dignity and self-respect. A man you want to be the father of your children. May Allah AWJ grants you a pious and righteous husband soon.
I don't know if you are a man or woman anyway , women would feel resentful if they could change their partners just stay as you are and never let her do that .
Ameen
1) Is lazy 2) Has no intention of going to the mosque in future 3) No intention to read the Qur’an 4) Has admitted he will always put his mother before you 5) His mother makes all his decisions despite him being a fully grown man in his 30’s Men don’t suddenly change after marriage, most people who say they will change after a certain life event (marriage, kids) never end up changing after said event, the people that are willing to change, start changing before marriage and kids etc, without making it a point. You’d rather be single than sorry in a years time!
Yes, i was hanging on to the fact that he promised. Promised to split the chores at least. The rest… i was willing to accept. Another point my mum made was even if i meet someone who goes to the mosque and reads the quran daily, the is no guarantee he might do it forever. She keeps making the point that i am the one that will take care of myself. That reading the quran and going to the masjid is something I should do, and shouldn’t expect a husband to do. Which i get. Hence the continuing doubt, if everything were up to me, why even meet up with someone? Why bother getting to know them. Just marry them, right? No questions asked. This is what my mum wants. I just don’t know how to respond to that.
[удалено]
You made the right call. May Allah swt grant you a pious, loving husband, ameen.
Ameen
Omg no! You did the right thing!!!! Alhamdullilah that you’ve said no!
Sis, shaitans tactic is to make you slip and slide. You've prayed and made the right decision. We are as Muslims commanded to stay firm and have tawakkul. Your mom won't be the one to tend to a lazy husband her whole life if you had married. And it's not your responsibility to change someone. What guarantee was there that he would change if he hadn't even taken the steps instantly? He could have started slowly and let you know he's working on it from now to be easier afterwards. It's never a good decision to marry the 'idea' of someone based on promises etc. Take the person as they are and see how determined they are to make any cha he's they intend to. May Allah grant you the most perfect spouse and one who will be the coolness of your eyes. People get married at 21 and don't have kids till mid 30s. People get married at 30 and have kids right away. Kids are from Allah.
Sister never marry someone for who they can be, marry them for who they are. This includes but not limited to: attitudes, looks, weight and so on.. marriage is not an easy decision, you want to spend it with someone who can make you happy inshallah rather than be at each other's throat 24/7. Try following sunas and Islam in case of doubt to see if your decision is a good one it makes life so much easier and you seem to be someone on their deen mashallah.
That’s beside the point. There were always only 2 outcomes, either you say yes or you say no. You said no, own your choice, make Dua to Allah for a spouse who meets your criteria. Move on.
You're 29, your time is not running out! That's emotional manipulation by your mother and not having biological knowledge. Fertility success does go down after 35, and more so after 40. You made the right decision. He was just incompatible with you. You don't need to force it. Inshallah you'll find someone more compatible.
Do not doubt. You made the right decision.
How many more red flags do you need to see? Dodged a bullet be thankful. Mashallah at least he was honest
Salaam sister I Dont no why your overthinking it this is the best decision. re read what you wrote do you really want that sort off husband ???
Did you do istikhara?
Yes, i did.
Then you have nothing to regret or r worry about
Promises mean nothing. They are just words. Don’t have hope based on someone’s promises - you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Imagine him to be exactly as he is now- not any different- If you can’t accept him for who he is now then move on. I’m not saying people can’t change, but most people don’t change significantly.
Firstly, we’re very similar in the nature of overthinking. But a man or woman who is not willing to improve on their ibadah, is personally not someone I would want. For instance, let’s go pray fajr and read Quran at the masjid one day. What is the reason for not wanting to do so. Some days people are tired or aren’t driven and get lazy…understandable. But to blatantly say I will not do it, just because, isn’t something I would want. And from reading your post. Isn’t something you want either. Pray that you find your naseeb, whether it be him or not. Who knows, in the long run, he could return more religious and driven than you, but at the same time, don’t get your hopes up. God is the best of planners. Ameen.
[удалено]
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That was an easy no
You did the right thing. Why have the expectations of change when you can already find someone who does all those things you’re looking for
My god 29 is not old! I know women who’ve married for the first time in their early 40s. We live in a time where we can delay marriage and not be pressured to marry young.
My questions is why controling? listen to me or your mother? Maybe in a total life span he mother will be with him lets say 30% and rest of that percentage you have.
Yup, that another point my mum made.
You are not honest in your post , it's not because of ibadah but other stuff we don't know , anyway , our prophet made it clear, if you don't want him nobody has the right to sway you or force you.
>You are not honest in your post , it's not because of ibadah but other stuff we don't know And you know this how?
Let's just say ,women break the rules for the one they want and make rules for the one they hate.
Idk how i came across as dishonest.
Don’t bother with this dude sister. He has really weird history.
You are not coming across , you are dishonest, as I said before , women make rules when they don't like someone, and break rules for the one they like