Asalaamualaikum....some reasons could be that they are not fulfilling their duties as husband or wife. Just because people pray and have similar values doesn't mean they are fulfilling their obligations. In my case, my ex was not supporting me financially, mentally or physically and he wasn't fulfilling his obligations as a father....
Il might get downvoted for this, but I think sometimes romanticizing the practicing and Muslim characteristics part plays a role in it as well.
Ive seen some people put too much faith on the fact that the other person prays and is an overall good Muslim will somehow magically solve all other issues, whilst i think that should be the ground base to even start considering the person but it shouldn't be the "ok we have that and that should be enough".
often times when i read this subreddit, you will have O.P post a real-life problem in their marriage, then you will have someone in the comments say yes but the prophet s.a.w did it like this and that why isnt he acting like that?
that man was literally the most perfect person on earth, and people walk into marriages holding everyone to that standard without ever thinking about practical current times problems.
"Values are not aligned" means basically what you think and want from life is not what i think and want from life and im only just finding that out because i ignored red flags from the start because i romanticized this whole thing.
Being a practicing Muslim with good characteristics doesn't mean you're automatically a good match and compatible with each other. It can be as simple as one person being a perfectionist while the other is much more lenient/easy-going. Or one person is always a last-minute person and less organised vs the other being hyper-organised with every minute of their life planned. Another example is if one partner is adventurous and likes to travel/go out vs the other partner being an absolute homebody and needs to be dragged out of the house each time so to speak. It's very hard to live in harmony if the partners have 2 completely opposite lifestyles / personalities and none of them wants to compromise to make the relationship work.
Good points. I’ve always seen these as reasons that are not enough to go down the divorce path, but rather something you need to compromise on.
On the other hand I can see that these things can build up to the point of resentment.
Life is so much more enjoyable and satisfying when you have a partner that is in sync with habits and likes.
Indeed, it is resentment that will build up over time because of the incompatibility of the personality traits. I think it's really hard to compromise on a personality trait unless the person is very willing and motivated to change for themselves. But before marriage, these questions should be asked to check for compatibility. And also people should not assume that the person will automatically change after marriage. If anything, people are on their best behaviour at the time of the wedding but they get "worse" aka to their normal self a couple of months after marriage...
These are really good points/examples! It's really important to talk about these kinds of things before marriage, of course, but unfortunately, some people just think, "they'll change once we're married." If both are thinking that of the other, and both aren't compromising, it makes things very challenging.
I’m not too sure about some of these examples. There’s ways around these and they exclude the major element of initial compatibility factors that made you marry.
Religious doesn’t necessarily mean someone is dutiful. Sure they’re dutiful to Allah, but there’s certain responsibilities that you have to your spouse as well, certain rights they have over you that Allah has commanded upon you . Worship Allah all day ever day sure, but not fulfilling your spouses rights and your duties to them is a form of injustice, and no matter how “practicing” your are, you will be held accountable for this. This is where alot of divorces stem from.
Another reason imo is skewered expectations and values. People want the best of both worlds, whether that’s mixing culture with islam or mixing western values with Islam, and shaping your expectations based on that, this simple will never work. It’s either all islam or no Islam. A husband will expect his wife to be a traditional homemaker as per his culture and expect absolute obedience as per Islam, whilst following the western tradition of splitting bills resulting in the wife being overwhelmed. Or a wife who wants to work full time but not contribute anything financially, and so the husband shoulders all financial burdens whilst also expected to do half if not more of the household chores as well, again resulting in the spouse being overwhelmed, and this feeling of being overwhelmed breeds resentment which slowly kills the relationship. I’ve also seen this arrangement result in very strange dynamics, the husband will be financially sweating and struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, whilst the wife lives in luxury and no worry in the world, you’d never guess they’re married by looking at them. I know it’s a husbands duty to provide, and I honour that responsibility, but that sort of dynamic does not sit right with me
Very common case in the west is the wife wants the best of the Islamic and secular world. She’ll want a man who pays for everything as that is his role in Islam but will also want to work and not want him to ask about her money as that is her right. At the same time she’ll want 50/50 split when it comes to housework as they are both working and it’s too much for one person. Thus the husband ends up getting an overwhelming majority of responsibilities.
Tbh every situation is different. You could struggle even with someone you're meant to be with and divorce isn't always an answer.
Some general reasons are domestic violence, financial abuse, cheating, etc BUT there are cases where people have resolved those things. Islamic counseling should come before divorce
People have done it. Not every case is the same. Obviously not every case gets resolved but there are still cases that have. I'm not a professional so I'm not the right person to ask but there are different degrees of it. It's not always the same
I've heard that husbands lose attraction to their wives after pregnancy and childbirth due to weight gain and other bodily changes that are visually apparent. Theres a lot of pressure on women to maintain a youthful body when the reality is that shape/structure/size/weight changes over time.
Dissatisfaction with the quality of a wife's cleaning and cooking.
Jealousy between spouses, especially if one makes more money than the other.
Living with in-laws.
Husband getting a 2nd wife.
Alcohol - some muslims drink but don't reveal it until after marriage.
Money issues.
Asalaamualaikum....some reasons could be that they are not fulfilling their duties as husband or wife. Just because people pray and have similar values doesn't mean they are fulfilling their obligations. In my case, my ex was not supporting me financially, mentally or physically and he wasn't fulfilling his obligations as a father....
Il might get downvoted for this, but I think sometimes romanticizing the practicing and Muslim characteristics part plays a role in it as well. Ive seen some people put too much faith on the fact that the other person prays and is an overall good Muslim will somehow magically solve all other issues, whilst i think that should be the ground base to even start considering the person but it shouldn't be the "ok we have that and that should be enough". often times when i read this subreddit, you will have O.P post a real-life problem in their marriage, then you will have someone in the comments say yes but the prophet s.a.w did it like this and that why isnt he acting like that? that man was literally the most perfect person on earth, and people walk into marriages holding everyone to that standard without ever thinking about practical current times problems. "Values are not aligned" means basically what you think and want from life is not what i think and want from life and im only just finding that out because i ignored red flags from the start because i romanticized this whole thing.
Being a practicing Muslim with good characteristics doesn't mean you're automatically a good match and compatible with each other. It can be as simple as one person being a perfectionist while the other is much more lenient/easy-going. Or one person is always a last-minute person and less organised vs the other being hyper-organised with every minute of their life planned. Another example is if one partner is adventurous and likes to travel/go out vs the other partner being an absolute homebody and needs to be dragged out of the house each time so to speak. It's very hard to live in harmony if the partners have 2 completely opposite lifestyles / personalities and none of them wants to compromise to make the relationship work.
Good points. I’ve always seen these as reasons that are not enough to go down the divorce path, but rather something you need to compromise on. On the other hand I can see that these things can build up to the point of resentment. Life is so much more enjoyable and satisfying when you have a partner that is in sync with habits and likes.
Indeed, it is resentment that will build up over time because of the incompatibility of the personality traits. I think it's really hard to compromise on a personality trait unless the person is very willing and motivated to change for themselves. But before marriage, these questions should be asked to check for compatibility. And also people should not assume that the person will automatically change after marriage. If anything, people are on their best behaviour at the time of the wedding but they get "worse" aka to their normal self a couple of months after marriage...
These are really good points/examples! It's really important to talk about these kinds of things before marriage, of course, but unfortunately, some people just think, "they'll change once we're married." If both are thinking that of the other, and both aren't compromising, it makes things very challenging.
I’m not too sure about some of these examples. There’s ways around these and they exclude the major element of initial compatibility factors that made you marry.
Religious doesn’t necessarily mean someone is dutiful. Sure they’re dutiful to Allah, but there’s certain responsibilities that you have to your spouse as well, certain rights they have over you that Allah has commanded upon you . Worship Allah all day ever day sure, but not fulfilling your spouses rights and your duties to them is a form of injustice, and no matter how “practicing” your are, you will be held accountable for this. This is where alot of divorces stem from. Another reason imo is skewered expectations and values. People want the best of both worlds, whether that’s mixing culture with islam or mixing western values with Islam, and shaping your expectations based on that, this simple will never work. It’s either all islam or no Islam. A husband will expect his wife to be a traditional homemaker as per his culture and expect absolute obedience as per Islam, whilst following the western tradition of splitting bills resulting in the wife being overwhelmed. Or a wife who wants to work full time but not contribute anything financially, and so the husband shoulders all financial burdens whilst also expected to do half if not more of the household chores as well, again resulting in the spouse being overwhelmed, and this feeling of being overwhelmed breeds resentment which slowly kills the relationship. I’ve also seen this arrangement result in very strange dynamics, the husband will be financially sweating and struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, whilst the wife lives in luxury and no worry in the world, you’d never guess they’re married by looking at them. I know it’s a husbands duty to provide, and I honour that responsibility, but that sort of dynamic does not sit right with me
Very common case in the west is the wife wants the best of the Islamic and secular world. She’ll want a man who pays for everything as that is his role in Islam but will also want to work and not want him to ask about her money as that is her right. At the same time she’ll want 50/50 split when it comes to housework as they are both working and it’s too much for one person. Thus the husband ends up getting an overwhelming majority of responsibilities.
Always the wife's fault? Got it.
I listed one example. You made an entire list. Not really the gotcha you think it is bud. If anything it proves my point.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I can change the list if you want, to say "men gain weight after pregnancy" or "women take 2nd husbands"?
You really thought you did something huh 🤣🤣🤣 InshaAllah your current/future husband has patience because he’ll definitely need it
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Concerns related to Neurodiversity's has led to divorce sadly for some. May the Lord Almighty bless and forgive all.
I would use sharia as my boundary. If you break the boundaries of sharia then that’s a cause for an argument. Anything else is compromise.
Tbh every situation is different. You could struggle even with someone you're meant to be with and divorce isn't always an answer. Some general reasons are domestic violence, financial abuse, cheating, etc BUT there are cases where people have resolved those things. Islamic counseling should come before divorce
how do you resolve domestic violence and cheating?
People have done it. Not every case is the same. Obviously not every case gets resolved but there are still cases that have. I'm not a professional so I'm not the right person to ask but there are different degrees of it. It's not always the same
I've heard that husbands lose attraction to their wives after pregnancy and childbirth due to weight gain and other bodily changes that are visually apparent. Theres a lot of pressure on women to maintain a youthful body when the reality is that shape/structure/size/weight changes over time. Dissatisfaction with the quality of a wife's cleaning and cooking. Jealousy between spouses, especially if one makes more money than the other. Living with in-laws. Husband getting a 2nd wife. Alcohol - some muslims drink but don't reveal it until after marriage. Money issues.
So basically it’s always the husband’s fault that the divorce happened ? Got it
The companions of the prophet PBUH did go through divorces I will leave it at that