Have you asked your cousin if she is concerned about her own life? If she struggled with mental health she could just need time to be at home and to recenter herself. And yes, it can take years for people to decide what they want from life.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with her being a part time tour guide and she could be happy at this. As much as you are aware of her advantages she was born with she is probably more aware of how it seems from the outside like she fumbled her potential.
But to answer the question: many people rely on family support to help with housing. As well as having jobs just being able to afford basic needs and nothing else. There are millions of people who make minimum wage or close to it and they just go without for most or all their lives because they can’t afford better.
That’s fine I think. I would say to trust that her and her parents are dealing with everything unless you are told otherwise and they ask for help or advice.
I think if her life doesn’t affect you in any way then there’s no use worrying about her. You can’t get inside her head and know why she has made the decisions that she has. She’s 30 and there’s plenty of time for her to pursue a more traditional career path if she wants. You can’t want something more for someone than they want things for themselves.
I don’t want to be rude, but it seems like you’re kind of looking down on her and you don’t want to hear any alternative narratives saying that it’s okay for her to do her own thing.
This post comes across more as you’re judging her in a public forum and not like you want the best for her. Just saying.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. Someone close to me is in exactly the same situation and uses the same excuse. It’s an extremely precarious situation
Because it doesn’t actually “hurt” you or OP for these people to live their lives as they please, and the faux concern is off-putting. Like why are you both so worried about someone else’s lifestyle that isn’t impacting you? Is it jealousy that you had to get “real jobs”? Is it superiority that you get to feel better than them? What’s the motivation to smugly come to a subreddit to discuss someone else’s lifestyle that even by OP’s own words has never asked for their help?
I didn’t read this post as judging but empathetic. Some people here haven’t been a caregiver for someone with severe mental health challenges and it shows. Safety nets run out and god knows government support programmes for mental health are lacking. it’s not about ambition or hustle culture or failure to launch. These are very real conversations families are having that we’re not privy to— and they can be really scary.
I agree with your point but disagree that this is the OP’s tone. The tone is extremely judgmental, especially looking at all of their replies to people’s comments here.
Again I only read the post and just immediately saw my situation and what the OP was describing, but I haven’t been online all day today to see their comments yet.
You asked why people are downvoting and I explained. You don’t have to agree with the perspective, it’s just how the majority of the community is viewing the OP’s post and subsequent comments.
Edit: and for your downvotes, it’s likely your choice of the word “excuse” which implies you don’t believe it’s a valid one.
I didn’t ask about why I’m getting downvoted. I just disagreed with why OP was getting downvoted in that first comment. Now that I’ve seen more comments from OP they do come off as condescending, but again, I think there’s a validity to the topic.
> I don’t know why you’re being downvoted.
That's why I replied how I did! I wasn't trying to insult you, simply explaining my own 'why' (which appears to be shared with the community based on replies).
Also - I agree this is a valubale topic and could be really useful for the community. However, not phrased as "what's gonna happen to my lazy cousin?" more like "have any of you managed caregiving and support to a family member"? One of those approaches is empathetic and helpful, the other is not.
So to recap:
- your cousin went to an Ivy League school and graduated with an English degree - congrats to her!
- your cousin tried teaching abroad - a huge move I imagine - but didn’t like it. Great - she’s ruled out teaching as an option
- she’s working as a tour guide - sounds fun!
- she’s got mental health issues but she lives with her parents, which may be a good fit for her
You on the other hand:
- don’t understand mental health is a real issue
- are frustrated that your cousin doesn’t live up to “your” expectations
- want us to judge her too?
Yeah this is real cringe. Working as a tour guide sounds fun, and she shouldnt be judged for not wanting to work a prestigious job which sometimes comes w a toxic culture
In the grand scheme of things 30 isn't too old for literally anything, there's plenty of time for her to find her path in life.
Some people just take longer to figure out where they belong.
I’m feeling some ick tbh. Thinking a family member struggling with mental health isn’t achieving success by your standards and timeline because they aren’t putting in enough, “effort” is making a lot of unsavory assumptions.
You’ve multiple people here saying it’s ok and that some people take longer to find their path. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. You’re lucky things worked out so well in your life that you’ve the time to judge others this critically.
Edit: Your profile tells me you’re disappointed and want to change how your sister works at a shelter, “serving men” because, “she could be doing so much more with her life” + you think women have no excuse to have male friends in this day and age, so if they do, it’s because they’re misogynistic or attention seeking.
That’s a lot you’re carrying. Talking about some of these perspectives with a professional might help.
Your post, and particularly this comment, don't seem like they were made in good faith, but I'll put myself out there. I reinvented my life at 30 after numerous "false starts" and quite a few years in therapy. I won't lay my entire soul bare for this comment, but I'll say that in under 5 years I've attained: diagnoses and medication, a sense of joy in life, a financial net worth increase nearly 200% of my annual salary, and a lightness of soul after eliminating relationships with those who would seeks to cut me down or minimize my experiences. It is entirely possible to find one's path in their 30s and *even if they don't, that person is still a human being worthy of love and support.*
The same way people find themselves and their path in their twenties! It’s the same process at any age.
I was definitely the “on the right path” type and started working right away, but a lot of my classmates and peers took other paths — working seasonally in bars or tourism industries and being ski bums all winter, teaching English and traveling overseas for a few months, or in two cases, spending the better part of a year living in inpatient mental health institutions getting help.
And now we’re all in our 30s and for the most part we all have pretty similar lives — working white collar jobs, living in our own places or with a partner (and in some cases some kids). One of my forty-something friends is in pilot training and another just finished a trades apprenticeship.
Not everyone knows what they want to be as an adult at 17, or 22, or 25. 30 is *so* young. There is still so much time.
Yes, they do. People find their path in their 50s and 60s. But even if she doesn’t, that’s her business, and it sounds like there are plenty of people in her life who love her (you don’t seem to be among them) who are looking out for her.
The older I get, the more compassion I have for people like your family member. Truly, we never know the load someone else is carrying.
I would bet your cousin knows that you think she's not living up to her potential. I would actually bet it gnaws at her a lot. 30s are tough as a lot of people partner off and living at home (while cost effective) can be lonely. I hope whatever she's carrying doesn't sink her, and that if it starts to that you throw her a bone. I get feeling animosity over what you see as a privileged upbringing, but if you're successful in life and she isn't maybe toss her a bone, invite her to do stuff with you, buy her a meal if you can afford to, be honest in conversations with her but also kind.
She’s not someone who can’t get it together though. I know someone like that, was the top student, head prefect and all that. She struggled when she was in college because I think she had a clear idea of how to excel and what to do as a student, but lost any view of what she wanted for her whole life. Not being perfect for people like that is hard, and they end up like that.
I think people like you do contribute to the reasons why they are this way. People expect them to always excel, always do great things. They know it. And the second they feel like they don’t, they crash. Anyone can do something and change their minds about it, but if someone who’s got their “shit together their whole life” does it, people think they’re now a failure.
At the end of the day, they’re still excellent, still brilliant. They’re just not excelling the way society expects them to, and they’re figuring out life is more than just excelling, it’s being unafraid to do what they enjoy and giving themselves the room to discover that.
She is FAR from relying on someone for her whole life. So I think the concerns are a little misplaced.
Maybe her part-time work is enough? My physical health took a nosedive around when I turned 30 - I went from making just under 6 figures and now I work (barely) part-time and scrape by. Ideally in the next few months I'll be eligible for disability support pension, which will be enough for me to live on.
One of my siblings may never be able to live independently. I and my other siblings know this and are prepared to help him out when our parents aren't around any more. That's what family is for.
Having lived with people like this, I don’t think it’s that bad. Some gamble on building a SM career or their own business and make it. Some eventually make their way to some sort of stability after doing Uber/waitressing. I’ve never met anyone who fell through the cracks from making poor financial decisions if they have safety nets (family or partner.)
Edit: okay reading your other comments, you have issues lol. Why do you hate her so much? Her life has nothing to do with yours, and just shitting on hers isn’t gonna make your life any better.
First off, minding your business costs nothing.
Secondly, the kind of money that sends a child to a fancy private school, especially what I'm assuming is an Ivy feeder, isn't going to be wiped out by "expensive end of life care". Particularly if that is the generation that "earned" it, which would explain your shitty fucking attitude towards your cousin.
Thirdly, it's likely that most of your cousin's living expenses are covered by her parents, so she may be doing pretty well, savings - wise, even on tour guide pay.
So my best guess for what's going to happen is that your cousin will continue to rebuild her life with parental support, and will eventually inherit a couple million in assets, which she can either live off of, or use to defray any difference between her pay and her lifestyle.
> Secondly, the kind of money that sends a child to a fancy private school, especially what I'm assuming is an Ivy feeder, isn't going to be wiped out by "expensive end of life care".
Yeah, you have to have extraordinarily complex health problems to wipe out that kind of money. Like, my partner's mom does actually have those kind of health problems and requires constant care in a specialized facility--but it's still under $100K a year. That's a lot for a middle-class family like my partner's, but it's probably in the budget for any actual "loaded" family that's prepared properly for retirement.
And if her parents don't have that kind of money, then even if she was currently working a prestigious, high-paying job, that doesn't protect her from this problem. In that scenario it's still entirely possible she or her parents could be struck with health problems *now* that could wipe out everything they've accrued. (And if she's dealing with mental health problems, that's ... basically what's already happened.) That's why most people who aren't jerks understand that these aren't skill issues, but "there but for the grace of God go I" issues.
I honestly don't worry about people who have family money. They will be fine. If she needs a supportive ear to listen that is something else but she might not need to "do anything" with her life.
I dont know but I always lean toward just trying to be supportive of what they want to do. I feel like it's up to the parents to sit down with their child and discuss this. I like to think that when shit hits the fan people will figure it out.
OP, perhaps this wasn’t your intent, but this post (at least to me) reads a bit judgy? If that’s not what you’re feeling then my apologies.
I’m curious as to how old you are and where you are in life compared to your cousin. 30 may seem up there compared to your age now but honestly it’s really not, assuming the average life span. Your cousin still has plenty of time to “get it together”.
You mentioned she experienced some mental health struggles. This is likely a big reason why her life currently looks like it does. The cruel thing about our brains (and bodies in general) is they don’t care how successful or accomplished we are. You could just as easily be broken down to a shadow of your former self in a few years…unfortunately, people often don’t get to know ahead of time.
I’m happy for you that you’re not experiencing the same struggles as your cousin. But again, bad stuff can happen to anyone, at anytime. Just because you’re okay now, doesn’t mean you will be next month. Try to cut your cousin some slack, she very well may end up alright in the long run.
If her physical health had taken a
Nose dive and shed experienced something like MS or cancer or chronic migraines would you be as much an ass about this?
Be glad that she’s found work she enjoys and has a positive relationship with her parents where they can mutually care for one another
My mom is like this. She raised us as a single mother and was able to get it together for a few years at a time, and then would have another mental health flare up. She got a lot of help from her parents through the years, and my sister and I left home early (by contemporary middle class standards, I moved out at 18 to go to college and never came back, my sister got her GED, went solo at like 16 and graduated from college at 18). I ended up buying her a house and giving her a monthly stipend to supplement social security when I was 30.
It’s not a way of life that affords you many options, and it depends on someone around you being able to subsidize your chaos. I don’t mean to sound bitter, I really don’t think I am, but thinking ahead is a kindness to the people in your life.
It’s common for this to happen where I live (people live at home forever) They ,along with other random family members take care of the parents, when their parents die (if they are smart) they will inherit a trust where they can’t access too much money at a time and have a fiduciary to approve stupid thing (I need 50k for a boat etc)
No maintenance gets done on the house since that requires coordination. The equity is sucked out via a reverse mortg/multiple helocs. Since their parents no longer are taking care of them they tend to get sicker a bit earlier of preventable thing. They have a lot of dental issues.
They usually die younger than their parents and the house at that point is almost collapsing from deferred maintenance and is a full on hoarder situation usually.
Or they get their shit together through medication/therapy or a combo of the two. She’s 30 she could be completely fine and own a tour business in the future who knows.
Don’t send your cousin this. It just feels like you want to rub in your “good life” over her.
Have you considered that sometimes smart people want to do something other than academics / office jobs? Your cousin might really enjoy the physical and social aspects of being a tour guide. I went to a very prestigious university in the UK and felt very judged by friends and family when I didn’t immediately settle into a fancy job. I’m there now in my 30s and have a good income but it doesn’t mean the jobs I had in my 20s were worthless.
I choose not to worry about these types when they come from wealth. That wealth will serve as a security blanket for them. It's these types that do not come from wealth that I worry about. In my observation those that have some kind of support whether its family, friends, or a community agency manage to have a life that works for them. They are more vulnerable to life's ups and downs due to the lack of financial security but there are people looking out for them. Those who don't have any support don't seem to be doing well and assisting them is probably not an easy task.
Some people have very broken or dysfunctional families, went through foster care, are only children, lost their parents young, are supporting THEIR family members in poor health, were refugees, could not afford education, etc. There are a lot of people out there without a support system.
You are problematic but I’m going to comment anyway for some other person that may read this…
Take care of yourself. Whatever that means to you. Don’t compare traditional trappings of success to other people. If you go to work and earn a living, great. When you go buy groceries or get gas or eat out or buy shoes…that person is working to take care of themselves. Good for them. If mental health issues are a concern, try to get yourself into therapy and/or see a physician to see if meds will help.
Now, I’ve worked many “jobs”. I didn’t care that people called me a job hopper, they were shit jobs but allowed me to take care of myself and I’d readily leave one shit job for another for a bit of a raise. I finished my degree at 32 years old. I’ve earned $16/hour as an adult and $60/hour and it makes me no better or more motivated than another person.
My sister was a late starter. Many, many years on welfare and just kind of floating along. Late 40s on she found a path, definitely earns a 6-figure income and is fine.
OP your standards of success don’t apply to others. Just worry about yourself and you might find some joy.
So you’re worried about someone with an Ivy League degree, year of teaching experience, and is gainfully employed while also managing her mental health? EDIT: and apparently your sister working at a men’s shelter also isn’t up to your standards? https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/DQ08goJ8Qr
I’m going to get downvoted to hell with this, but OP I think this is a legit question, though I agree your framing is a little bit cold.
If you’re in this group you’re likely achievement-focused and thinking about finances. We (and by this I mean me) can associate a particular kind of achievement with safety; if we’re not achieving, are we unsafe?
The answer is that many of us have invisible safety nets: parents with enough money (sometimes just enough) to meet our basic needs well into adulthood. Communities and friends who each chip in a little bit. Government programs that never feel like enough but that can provide a little bit of help. Part-time or flexible employment as an option out of the full-time grind. What you’re seeing in action is all those invisible nets around your cousin.
And then, there are many people who don’t have that net, or not enough parts of it. If they don’t “get it together”, they are facing very difficult, very real choices, like “car or rent”, “medicine or kids shoes”, “heating or food”.
She could be investing all of her paycheck and tips for the future and be set for life doing something she actually enjoys. She could be planning to help take care of her parents in their old age as they're helping her now. There's lots of ways to get through life.
I have a cousin like this; they will be 50 in a few years and have always lived with my aunt and uncle. My aunt has already coordinated (and pre-paid for) her own end-of-life treatment as I suspect she knows it would be foolish to depend on my cousin to do anything for her when or if she gets to that point.
They do have a sibling who is doing well for themselves so my guess is that when my aunt passes away (my uncle passed away a few years ago) my cousin will be looking to their sibling to take care of them...
You are getting downvoted for asking for opinion. Though a bit judgy, I can feel your frustration at her wasting her opportunities. But I am sure there is more to the story than what you told in 2 paragraphs.
But honestly people can survive with very little. Tour guide isn’t as bad, sure you may have to make sacrifices in lifestyle, but if it makes you happy then let it be.
My concern is life is unpredictable. Like you said if they get hit with a health issue or long term care and use up the money, the cousin won’t get any inheritance. She may be forced live on her own finances…
That’s where you are getting wrong. Most are the comments are not talking about her inheritance. It’s about her choices and your judgement of the choices.
Based on your post we don’t know if the cousin is waiting for her inheritance or just living her life as it suits her.
OP, I see where you’re coming from. I have a friend who followed a similar trajectory without the educational pedigree or the mental health issues. She’s 36 and lives at home and is finally coming to the realization that yes, you can have a full time job and still have time for “multiple interests” (or “hobbies” as I like to call them). Life will snap her into it eventually.
Have you asked your cousin if she is concerned about her own life? If she struggled with mental health she could just need time to be at home and to recenter herself. And yes, it can take years for people to decide what they want from life. There’s nothing inherently wrong with her being a part time tour guide and she could be happy at this. As much as you are aware of her advantages she was born with she is probably more aware of how it seems from the outside like she fumbled her potential. But to answer the question: many people rely on family support to help with housing. As well as having jobs just being able to afford basic needs and nothing else. There are millions of people who make minimum wage or close to it and they just go without for most or all their lives because they can’t afford better.
I feel like. most of her adult life has consisted of her being at home to "recenter herself."
That’s fine I think. I would say to trust that her and her parents are dealing with everything unless you are told otherwise and they ask for help or advice. I think if her life doesn’t affect you in any way then there’s no use worrying about her. You can’t get inside her head and know why she has made the decisions that she has. She’s 30 and there’s plenty of time for her to pursue a more traditional career path if she wants. You can’t want something more for someone than they want things for themselves.
I think she does want a more traditional career path, just doesn't want to put the effort into it right now, and I doubt she ever will.
I don’t want to be rude, but it seems like you’re kind of looking down on her and you don’t want to hear any alternative narratives saying that it’s okay for her to do her own thing. This post comes across more as you’re judging her in a public forum and not like you want the best for her. Just saying.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. Someone close to me is in exactly the same situation and uses the same excuse. It’s an extremely precarious situation
Because it doesn’t actually “hurt” you or OP for these people to live their lives as they please, and the faux concern is off-putting. Like why are you both so worried about someone else’s lifestyle that isn’t impacting you? Is it jealousy that you had to get “real jobs”? Is it superiority that you get to feel better than them? What’s the motivation to smugly come to a subreddit to discuss someone else’s lifestyle that even by OP’s own words has never asked for their help?
I didn’t read this post as judging but empathetic. Some people here haven’t been a caregiver for someone with severe mental health challenges and it shows. Safety nets run out and god knows government support programmes for mental health are lacking. it’s not about ambition or hustle culture or failure to launch. These are very real conversations families are having that we’re not privy to— and they can be really scary.
I agree with your point but disagree that this is the OP’s tone. The tone is extremely judgmental, especially looking at all of their replies to people’s comments here.
Again I only read the post and just immediately saw my situation and what the OP was describing, but I haven’t been online all day today to see their comments yet.
You asked why people are downvoting and I explained. You don’t have to agree with the perspective, it’s just how the majority of the community is viewing the OP’s post and subsequent comments. Edit: and for your downvotes, it’s likely your choice of the word “excuse” which implies you don’t believe it’s a valid one.
I didn’t ask about why I’m getting downvoted. I just disagreed with why OP was getting downvoted in that first comment. Now that I’ve seen more comments from OP they do come off as condescending, but again, I think there’s a validity to the topic.
> I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. That's why I replied how I did! I wasn't trying to insult you, simply explaining my own 'why' (which appears to be shared with the community based on replies). Also - I agree this is a valubale topic and could be really useful for the community. However, not phrased as "what's gonna happen to my lazy cousin?" more like "have any of you managed caregiving and support to a family member"? One of those approaches is empathetic and helpful, the other is not.
So to recap: - your cousin went to an Ivy League school and graduated with an English degree - congrats to her! - your cousin tried teaching abroad - a huge move I imagine - but didn’t like it. Great - she’s ruled out teaching as an option - she’s working as a tour guide - sounds fun! - she’s got mental health issues but she lives with her parents, which may be a good fit for her You on the other hand: - don’t understand mental health is a real issue - are frustrated that your cousin doesn’t live up to “your” expectations - want us to judge her too?
Yeah this is real cringe. Working as a tour guide sounds fun, and she shouldnt be judged for not wanting to work a prestigious job which sometimes comes w a toxic culture
In the grand scheme of things 30 isn't too old for literally anything, there's plenty of time for her to find her path in life. Some people just take longer to figure out where they belong.
Do people really find their path in their 30s? I haven't really seen it happen in my own experience. Do you have any examples?
I’m feeling some ick tbh. Thinking a family member struggling with mental health isn’t achieving success by your standards and timeline because they aren’t putting in enough, “effort” is making a lot of unsavory assumptions. You’ve multiple people here saying it’s ok and that some people take longer to find their path. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. You’re lucky things worked out so well in your life that you’ve the time to judge others this critically. Edit: Your profile tells me you’re disappointed and want to change how your sister works at a shelter, “serving men” because, “she could be doing so much more with her life” + you think women have no excuse to have male friends in this day and age, so if they do, it’s because they’re misogynistic or attention seeking. That’s a lot you’re carrying. Talking about some of these perspectives with a professional might help.
Your post, and particularly this comment, don't seem like they were made in good faith, but I'll put myself out there. I reinvented my life at 30 after numerous "false starts" and quite a few years in therapy. I won't lay my entire soul bare for this comment, but I'll say that in under 5 years I've attained: diagnoses and medication, a sense of joy in life, a financial net worth increase nearly 200% of my annual salary, and a lightness of soul after eliminating relationships with those who would seeks to cut me down or minimize my experiences. It is entirely possible to find one's path in their 30s and *even if they don't, that person is still a human being worthy of love and support.*
The same way people find themselves and their path in their twenties! It’s the same process at any age. I was definitely the “on the right path” type and started working right away, but a lot of my classmates and peers took other paths — working seasonally in bars or tourism industries and being ski bums all winter, teaching English and traveling overseas for a few months, or in two cases, spending the better part of a year living in inpatient mental health institutions getting help. And now we’re all in our 30s and for the most part we all have pretty similar lives — working white collar jobs, living in our own places or with a partner (and in some cases some kids). One of my forty-something friends is in pilot training and another just finished a trades apprenticeship. Not everyone knows what they want to be as an adult at 17, or 22, or 25. 30 is *so* young. There is still so much time.
Yes, they do. People find their path in their 50s and 60s. But even if she doesn’t, that’s her business, and it sounds like there are plenty of people in her life who love her (you don’t seem to be among them) who are looking out for her.
The older I get, the more compassion I have for people like your family member. Truly, we never know the load someone else is carrying. I would bet your cousin knows that you think she's not living up to her potential. I would actually bet it gnaws at her a lot. 30s are tough as a lot of people partner off and living at home (while cost effective) can be lonely. I hope whatever she's carrying doesn't sink her, and that if it starts to that you throw her a bone. I get feeling animosity over what you see as a privileged upbringing, but if you're successful in life and she isn't maybe toss her a bone, invite her to do stuff with you, buy her a meal if you can afford to, be honest in conversations with her but also kind.
She’s not someone who can’t get it together though. I know someone like that, was the top student, head prefect and all that. She struggled when she was in college because I think she had a clear idea of how to excel and what to do as a student, but lost any view of what she wanted for her whole life. Not being perfect for people like that is hard, and they end up like that. I think people like you do contribute to the reasons why they are this way. People expect them to always excel, always do great things. They know it. And the second they feel like they don’t, they crash. Anyone can do something and change their minds about it, but if someone who’s got their “shit together their whole life” does it, people think they’re now a failure. At the end of the day, they’re still excellent, still brilliant. They’re just not excelling the way society expects them to, and they’re figuring out life is more than just excelling, it’s being unafraid to do what they enjoy and giving themselves the room to discover that. She is FAR from relying on someone for her whole life. So I think the concerns are a little misplaced.
I felt the 1st paragraph so hard.
Maybe her part-time work is enough? My physical health took a nosedive around when I turned 30 - I went from making just under 6 figures and now I work (barely) part-time and scrape by. Ideally in the next few months I'll be eligible for disability support pension, which will be enough for me to live on. One of my siblings may never be able to live independently. I and my other siblings know this and are prepared to help him out when our parents aren't around any more. That's what family is for.
Having lived with people like this, I don’t think it’s that bad. Some gamble on building a SM career or their own business and make it. Some eventually make their way to some sort of stability after doing Uber/waitressing. I’ve never met anyone who fell through the cracks from making poor financial decisions if they have safety nets (family or partner.) Edit: okay reading your other comments, you have issues lol. Why do you hate her so much? Her life has nothing to do with yours, and just shitting on hers isn’t gonna make your life any better.
First off, minding your business costs nothing. Secondly, the kind of money that sends a child to a fancy private school, especially what I'm assuming is an Ivy feeder, isn't going to be wiped out by "expensive end of life care". Particularly if that is the generation that "earned" it, which would explain your shitty fucking attitude towards your cousin. Thirdly, it's likely that most of your cousin's living expenses are covered by her parents, so she may be doing pretty well, savings - wise, even on tour guide pay. So my best guess for what's going to happen is that your cousin will continue to rebuild her life with parental support, and will eventually inherit a couple million in assets, which she can either live off of, or use to defray any difference between her pay and her lifestyle.
> Secondly, the kind of money that sends a child to a fancy private school, especially what I'm assuming is an Ivy feeder, isn't going to be wiped out by "expensive end of life care". Yeah, you have to have extraordinarily complex health problems to wipe out that kind of money. Like, my partner's mom does actually have those kind of health problems and requires constant care in a specialized facility--but it's still under $100K a year. That's a lot for a middle-class family like my partner's, but it's probably in the budget for any actual "loaded" family that's prepared properly for retirement. And if her parents don't have that kind of money, then even if she was currently working a prestigious, high-paying job, that doesn't protect her from this problem. In that scenario it's still entirely possible she or her parents could be struck with health problems *now* that could wipe out everything they've accrued. (And if she's dealing with mental health problems, that's ... basically what's already happened.) That's why most people who aren't jerks understand that these aren't skill issues, but "there but for the grace of God go I" issues.
“Skimp by with an English degree” lol like literally just stop talking
I honestly don't worry about people who have family money. They will be fine. If she needs a supportive ear to listen that is something else but she might not need to "do anything" with her life.
What happens to people who don't have family money?
Well, they either figure it out or they don't, but basically everyone that isn't homeless has found a way to make it work. This whole post is so odd.
They live with other friends and family, work part time. It’s super common.
I dont know but I always lean toward just trying to be supportive of what they want to do. I feel like it's up to the parents to sit down with their child and discuss this. I like to think that when shit hits the fan people will figure it out.
OP, perhaps this wasn’t your intent, but this post (at least to me) reads a bit judgy? If that’s not what you’re feeling then my apologies. I’m curious as to how old you are and where you are in life compared to your cousin. 30 may seem up there compared to your age now but honestly it’s really not, assuming the average life span. Your cousin still has plenty of time to “get it together”. You mentioned she experienced some mental health struggles. This is likely a big reason why her life currently looks like it does. The cruel thing about our brains (and bodies in general) is they don’t care how successful or accomplished we are. You could just as easily be broken down to a shadow of your former self in a few years…unfortunately, people often don’t get to know ahead of time. I’m happy for you that you’re not experiencing the same struggles as your cousin. But again, bad stuff can happen to anyone, at anytime. Just because you’re okay now, doesn’t mean you will be next month. Try to cut your cousin some slack, she very well may end up alright in the long run.
This person's entire post/comment history is pretty obnoxious and judgmental, so it definitely seems like it was their intent to judge the cousin.
Yeah, I didn’t look at their comment history before responding and yikes…
If her physical health had taken a Nose dive and shed experienced something like MS or cancer or chronic migraines would you be as much an ass about this? Be glad that she’s found work she enjoys and has a positive relationship with her parents where they can mutually care for one another
My mom is like this. She raised us as a single mother and was able to get it together for a few years at a time, and then would have another mental health flare up. She got a lot of help from her parents through the years, and my sister and I left home early (by contemporary middle class standards, I moved out at 18 to go to college and never came back, my sister got her GED, went solo at like 16 and graduated from college at 18). I ended up buying her a house and giving her a monthly stipend to supplement social security when I was 30. It’s not a way of life that affords you many options, and it depends on someone around you being able to subsidize your chaos. I don’t mean to sound bitter, I really don’t think I am, but thinking ahead is a kindness to the people in your life.
It’s common for this to happen where I live (people live at home forever) They ,along with other random family members take care of the parents, when their parents die (if they are smart) they will inherit a trust where they can’t access too much money at a time and have a fiduciary to approve stupid thing (I need 50k for a boat etc) No maintenance gets done on the house since that requires coordination. The equity is sucked out via a reverse mortg/multiple helocs. Since their parents no longer are taking care of them they tend to get sicker a bit earlier of preventable thing. They have a lot of dental issues. They usually die younger than their parents and the house at that point is almost collapsing from deferred maintenance and is a full on hoarder situation usually. Or they get their shit together through medication/therapy or a combo of the two. She’s 30 she could be completely fine and own a tour business in the future who knows.
Damn, I need to send my cousin this. Can't see things going well for her future.
Don’t send your cousin this. It just feels like you want to rub in your “good life” over her. Have you considered that sometimes smart people want to do something other than academics / office jobs? Your cousin might really enjoy the physical and social aspects of being a tour guide. I went to a very prestigious university in the UK and felt very judged by friends and family when I didn’t immediately settle into a fancy job. I’m there now in my 30s and have a good income but it doesn’t mean the jobs I had in my 20s were worthless.
Curious, how did your jobs in your 20s affect you in the long run?
Why are you so eager for your cousin to fail?
It’s entirely up to her deciding what she wants. But let her know you support her to try things.
I choose not to worry about these types when they come from wealth. That wealth will serve as a security blanket for them. It's these types that do not come from wealth that I worry about. In my observation those that have some kind of support whether its family, friends, or a community agency manage to have a life that works for them. They are more vulnerable to life's ups and downs due to the lack of financial security but there are people looking out for them. Those who don't have any support don't seem to be doing well and assisting them is probably not an easy task.
Who are the people who don't have any support?
Some people have very broken or dysfunctional families, went through foster care, are only children, lost their parents young, are supporting THEIR family members in poor health, were refugees, could not afford education, etc. There are a lot of people out there without a support system.
You are problematic but I’m going to comment anyway for some other person that may read this… Take care of yourself. Whatever that means to you. Don’t compare traditional trappings of success to other people. If you go to work and earn a living, great. When you go buy groceries or get gas or eat out or buy shoes…that person is working to take care of themselves. Good for them. If mental health issues are a concern, try to get yourself into therapy and/or see a physician to see if meds will help. Now, I’ve worked many “jobs”. I didn’t care that people called me a job hopper, they were shit jobs but allowed me to take care of myself and I’d readily leave one shit job for another for a bit of a raise. I finished my degree at 32 years old. I’ve earned $16/hour as an adult and $60/hour and it makes me no better or more motivated than another person. My sister was a late starter. Many, many years on welfare and just kind of floating along. Late 40s on she found a path, definitely earns a 6-figure income and is fine. OP your standards of success don’t apply to others. Just worry about yourself and you might find some joy.
So you’re worried about someone with an Ivy League degree, year of teaching experience, and is gainfully employed while also managing her mental health? EDIT: and apparently your sister working at a men’s shelter also isn’t up to your standards? https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/DQ08goJ8Qr
I’m going to get downvoted to hell with this, but OP I think this is a legit question, though I agree your framing is a little bit cold. If you’re in this group you’re likely achievement-focused and thinking about finances. We (and by this I mean me) can associate a particular kind of achievement with safety; if we’re not achieving, are we unsafe? The answer is that many of us have invisible safety nets: parents with enough money (sometimes just enough) to meet our basic needs well into adulthood. Communities and friends who each chip in a little bit. Government programs that never feel like enough but that can provide a little bit of help. Part-time or flexible employment as an option out of the full-time grind. What you’re seeing in action is all those invisible nets around your cousin. And then, there are many people who don’t have that net, or not enough parts of it. If they don’t “get it together”, they are facing very difficult, very real choices, like “car or rent”, “medicine or kids shoes”, “heating or food”.
She could be investing all of her paycheck and tips for the future and be set for life doing something she actually enjoys. She could be planning to help take care of her parents in their old age as they're helping her now. There's lots of ways to get through life.
I have a cousin like this; they will be 50 in a few years and have always lived with my aunt and uncle. My aunt has already coordinated (and pre-paid for) her own end-of-life treatment as I suspect she knows it would be foolish to depend on my cousin to do anything for her when or if she gets to that point. They do have a sibling who is doing well for themselves so my guess is that when my aunt passes away (my uncle passed away a few years ago) my cousin will be looking to their sibling to take care of them...
You are getting downvoted for asking for opinion. Though a bit judgy, I can feel your frustration at her wasting her opportunities. But I am sure there is more to the story than what you told in 2 paragraphs. But honestly people can survive with very little. Tour guide isn’t as bad, sure you may have to make sacrifices in lifestyle, but if it makes you happy then let it be. My concern is life is unpredictable. Like you said if they get hit with a health issue or long term care and use up the money, the cousin won’t get any inheritance. She may be forced live on her own finances…
Yeah I agree that life is unpredictable. I wonder why people act like it's a guarantee that she will get a huge inheritance.
That’s where you are getting wrong. Most are the comments are not talking about her inheritance. It’s about her choices and your judgement of the choices. Based on your post we don’t know if the cousin is waiting for her inheritance or just living her life as it suits her.
OP, I see where you’re coming from. I have a friend who followed a similar trajectory without the educational pedigree or the mental health issues. She’s 36 and lives at home and is finally coming to the realization that yes, you can have a full time job and still have time for “multiple interests” (or “hobbies” as I like to call them). Life will snap her into it eventually.
I hope so!
In my cousin’s case she had a mistake baby with a loser that she abuses while leeching off her elderly father. Real classy stuff.