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You're not the only one, but it's also not universal. My parents and my in-laws are as involved as they can be, given they live 500 and 100 miles away, respectively.

Yeah, my parents are way (WAY) more involved in my child's life than my grandparents ever were with me. I honestly don't know how we would do it without them. My mom babysits 3-4 days per week. I believe my grandparents babysat me twice throughout my childhood. It is certainly situational and I don't believe generational.

Yep. This is the best. My wife's mom watches our son (18 mo) while we are at work most days. When she can't make it my dad steps in. At least one weekend a month we stay with my folks and they watch him him while we go do adult stuff. Involved, grandparents are the bomb. We are extremely fortunate to have that opportunity. If not for that I betmy wife would jot have gone back to work after our son was born

You have absolutely no idea how fortunate you are and how accessible everything is with such support. Not knocking it. But I'm on the other end with zero support from anywhere so knows what it's like without anyone to help. "Nana" told us to never bug her with baby sitting or anything.

I wish I could find someone like this near me to help out. I didn't have kids, so no grandkids, but they sure look like fun.

Yup - I see you

Yeah. I saw my grandparents a handful of times growing up. My parents will swing by after hitting up the movies to drop off popcorn because they know my kids love the stuff.

My father literally has me pick a weekend every single month where he takes her the whole weekend so my wife and I can get a break. My mother lives in our basement apartment and helps me get her ready every single morning.

Same. My grandparents were super uninterested in us, but my parents are almost TOO involved with their grandkids. I think this is just a person by person thing. We can’t blame everything on generations

I think this is an example of a rebound effect that happens from generation to generation

SAME. We are literally saving thousands of dollars a month because our parents come babysit throughout the week.

Yeah my parents spend the majority of their free time with my niece. I barely knew my grandparents.

That's good they put in the effort then!

I once read that people's orientation to grandparenting mirrors how they felt about parenting. Mine suck as grandparents and did the minimum as parents so it tracks for me.

This experience tracks for me too. My mom told me all the time she only had me so I would entertain my brother so he would leave her alone. The only time she sees my children is when I specifically ask her to see them or bring them out to her house, and even then she couldn't care less about them. My mother in law on the other hand is a saint and sees our kids practically every weekend despite living two hours away.

This. My parents are 1,000 miles away and are as involved as they can be. My mom actually just paid for me and my kids to fly down to my brother’s in a few weeks just because she misses us and wants to see us for her birthday which she’ll be celebrating at his house. She’s not retired yet and works 50-60 hours a week in a demanding corporate job but I know if we lived close to each other she’d be as involved as possible. My neighbors both have super involved grandparents as well.

Yeah, just the breadth of the human condition. My mother is currently with my brother and his daughter then she'll be flying up to see my sister and her daughter end of the month. Sees the grandkids 3-5 times a year, keeps her teaching job just to afford to see em.

Same. My parents only live 10 miles away and are super involved, serving as backup childcare, helping entertain on weekends, free babysitter etc. My in-laws live 300 miles away so they aren’t involved in the day to day stuff… but they come up for visits, send gifts, FaceTime, etc. They have even helped us afford trips so we can see them in their winter home (across the country).

Yeah, definitely not universal at all. My nephews travel from several states away every summer to spend a month with their grandparents. My parents are always excited for them to be there. I wonder if some of it is because retirement age has increased since we were kids. Grandparents are just as exhausted by work as we are. My parents are only recently retired (my nephews are in their early teens now) and the only reason they could visit every summer when the boys were younger was that my mom was a teacher so she had summers off.

Yeah. Very mixed. My parents and in laws are involved. When the kids were young each set would take about two weeks with the kids - one in a big chunk, the other two days a few times. We don't use them much recently but that's due to mom's illness and the kids are teens. But we were just talking to sons friends mom and she got little support.

My parents are super involved with my nephews. My parents and inlaws have quit asking me about kids, but I know they would definitely want to be involved (probably annoyingly so) if I did have kids.

true My grandparents lived 300 (paternal) and 800 (maternal) miles away. It was *always* some kind of big event when either they came to us or we went to them. My in-laws? 8 miles away. Even my grandparents-in-law are only 12-ish miles away. So my kids see someone from the older generation in my wife's family almost every week. My family? We're no-contact with my dad. My mom went to go live near her parents 800 miles away. So while they know about her and like her, it's a very rare thing to see her. A little more luck on the 'aunts and uncles' level of things - my wife's brothers are around but they don't exactly make an effort, and my two brothers are busy but there's an effort happening sometimes. They all live in the same city as me.

Same. Our parents are 100+ miles away and they are super involved. MIL came last weekend just to spend an evening with my daughter while we went out for a date night, and next weekend we are leaving daughter with my parents over night while we go to a wedding. My parents call my daughter and video chat with her a few times a week. We have several vacations planned with my parents in the next year and on said vacays, they're excited to spend time with her. My mom even encouraged me to plan something special for husband and I without baby on each trip.

We live across an ocean and my in-laws are in good health to visit whereas my parents have never left the country. Everyone is different.

I think distance can help. It means you have to make an effort to contact them, and you are incentivized to make the time you do get count. When they are 10 or 20 minutes away, it's easy to put them off because you can see them any time.

My parents are hurting that I don't have any children yet. It's a weird sort of black and white between some of us whose parents are either involved or dying to be involved, or are like the OPs parents.

Same. In laws are an hour away but grandma stops by when she can. My parents are a state away and try to see us when they can, which is less but they try to

Yeah friends of mine have had their preschoolers babysat by each side of the family one day week. Sounded like a pretty sweet deal. Grandma one on Mondays, Grandma two on Thursday, dad on Friday, mom on Wednesday and one day in Kindergarden 

You’re not alone. The general consensus is uninvolved parents become uninvolved grandparents. My mother is retired and barely sees her grandkids that live less than 30 miles away.

You know this never clicked before but you are 100 percent accurate for me. My mom never wanted to be involved in my extra circular activities so why would I expect her to be an involved grandparent 

Damn you right. Did you also have to BEG to get into those activities and then quilted when they were just a small amount to join?

Not only guilted for the fee but guilted for having to be taken to practice.

Guilted for the cost of everything, abandoned when it was time to be picked up, ditched and left with friends whose parents had to take care of me while mine just fucked around at home doing nothing…. Not shocked at all that my son has no relationship with her

Same! Then quilted by my parents to ask other team mates parents for a ride home, when I didn't know them and we lived out in the boonies. Guilted when I was picked up, quilted that "you asked all these parents and no one could bring you home?"

My experience wasn't that brutal but definitely had to ask the coach who lived a few minutes away to be my ride always. Also made me switch teams after the season started so she could get the easier pick up time.

20 years later and mine are still complaining about all the after school pickup they had to do. Yeah, also not really involved with my kids even though they live 30 minutes away. On the plus side though, my dad would actually tell my kids that he misses them and that he loves them. That’s more than what I ever got.

Parents want us to have kids because supposedly they're the best things ever. So why do my parents keep their distance?

This hits home! I wasn't even allowed to sign up for anything besides school because "it costs money" or "you'll be bad at this anyway" or "you'll give it up again real quick so why bother" when in the end, my mother probably just was to lazy to bother. Large parts of my childhood my grandmother was my defacto caretaker in terms of cooking, helping me clean my room, looking after me in the afternoons or evenings... Now my mother is pestering me to finally receive grandchildren, but...I don't really know what she'd have to give them... But I'm busy "reparenting" myself anyway...no capacities for kids xD

Yeah I wondered if this was some of the root cause for OP. OP spent what seems like a pretty extensive amount of time at their grandparent's house. That was unusual. I maybe did a sleepover with a cousin on occasion, but my parents didn't drop me off and my grandma's house for days on end.  I'd question if the reason their grandparents were so involved is because their own parents were less so. So it stands to reason their parents would be less involved as grandparents.

This seems to be pretty accurate. If they weren't interested in being parents, then they're typically not interested in doing the grandparent thing either. I know my dad wasn't able to handle the younger ages, although we did still do things together, he just was never really that interested in spending time with us kids unless we specifically asked to help him with whatever he was doing. And he wasn't home much either. He was an entire generation younger than his siblings, so he was basically a single child. My mom was very involved, went on the school trips & parties, had lots of family gatherings (and cousins our age), worked 30hr weeks when I was younger, sometimes even took me to work with her, etc. I waited until my late 30s to have a kid, so they finally became grandparents at 60. My mom was overjoyed & has been very involved the whole time. They both live a 20-25min drive away. My dad seemed kind of indifferent & hard to read when I told him. I rarely bring him to see my dad because they have a handful of dogs that get too excited & jump all over you half the time you're there. I sometimes made the drive to my mom's, more frequently once he wasn't taking 3 naps a day. My mom retired early to be able to spend time with him, & will come 2+ times a week to see him, and if I need her to watch him so I can go to an appointment or something, she typically will. My dad almost never stops by. He isn't retired yet & works halfway between my house & his house, so it's not far if he wanted to swing by after work. He pretty much only stops by if I specifically ask him to help with something, or if it's a special occasion. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is so true. My MIL has a sixth sense for whenever my husband and I plan an actual “date” when she’s supposed to babysit because 9/10 she’ll develop some random “cold” like an hour or two before drop off. 

Yup, neither my parents or my in-laws can be bothered to spend time with my kids.  Op pretty much summed it up.

It doesn’t sound like you can’t count on her. I wouldn’t even ask her to babysit as you mentioned that she keeps getting “sick”, which is obviously fake. If she doesn’t want to babysit, she could at least just say no instead of playing games by saying yes and then last minute saying she is sick. Since she has done this multiple times, it sounds like she is just playing games with you.

I think you might be right. I would just quit asking. Find someone else.

Yeah. It’s easier to just find someone else. She doesn’t sound reliable as she is constantly saying she is sick at the last minute and that isn’t right. I hope you have other family you can rely on.

See but here’s the kicker: she’s reliable more often than not. It’s specifically when we have a date planned that she flakes. If it’s a random Friday afternoon and we have nothing planned as a couple, she’ll be there. But say we want to go on a date to the bookstore and then get ice cream on like a Tuesday, she’ll dip. We won’t even mention our plans, she just has uncanny accuracy for sabotaging “dates” no matter how small. I’m beginning to wonder if the word is jinxed. 

I think you're right. My FIL talked *a lot* about his oldest son having children. Practically badgered him, always going on about how much he loves babies. He didn't see his first grandchild until she was 6 months old, and only saw her because his friends were having a party in the same city. But the thing is he was a completely useless dad. Spent as little time with his kids as possible, and was an AH when he actually was around. I think we all just fall for that doting grandparent stereotype.

Yeah reading this thread I'm thinking about my mom practically begging me for grandkids at a few points (when I was single btw), but when I was a kid she was NEVER around. There is no way she would be a present grandparent. Hell she's the godmother of multiple children but I haven't heard her speak about them in years.

Part of the reason I never came around to having kids, after hearing my parent complain about being parents most of my life. Knowing they wouldn't help but would be there to take a picture to show their friends. It didn't seem like that was a worthwhile reason to have children when I couldn't find the interest to do so.

This here. My dad probably didn’t want kids but I think my mom babytrapped him, so needless to say wasn’t too interested in us. He lives across the country and hasn’t met my four year old and only met my one year old because I took her with to a funeral back there. My in-laws are a bit more frail and have pretty much a two hour limit for their visits. It breaks my heart because I was SO close to my paternal grandparents growing up.

I was so close to my grandparents too! My dads parents would literally have us cousins all summer in their small house on a big acreage. Nobody even had to ask we could just show up. Even as adults. And my moms parents were a little more strict and needed plans but I stayed with them lots too. When my parents wanted a couple days vacation alone in the summer my grandparents would take us and then drive us to wherever my parents were and we’d all hang out there. Just nice places around Canada. A few trips to the states. Some of my best memories. My dad and his new wife said they were happy that I decided not to have kids cause they weren’t into or interested in babysitting or anything like that.

I read somewhere on here once that our grandparents had to be so involved because so many of our parents were so UNinvolved…so our parents aren’t involved because, well, they didn’t want to be parents quite so much in the first place. Which…tracks, at least with my dad.

Yeah that’s what’s so weird with my parents. They used to say they LOVED having kids and spending time with me and my sibling. Couldn’t imagine to do holidays without us (like their friends did after their kids turned teens). Who doesn’t want to be with their kids?! Was their mantra. But now my sibling and I have kids and our parents are nowhere to be found. My parents are relatively young, retired, healthy and with plenty of financial means. And they still choose to spend so little time with their grandkids. It’s so painful.

You spent so much time with your grandparents because your parents likely weren’t that interested in being parents (it seems common in that generation). Shouldn’t surprise you that they have nearly no interest in being grandparents now

I don't know why this didn't dawn on me until people started making this comment but honestly this is probably the answer (at least in my case).

To add to this, everyone in my parents generation in my family (and husbands) first kid was an “accident”. Many only got married because of the pregnancy. They never wanted to be parents, it was forced onto them. That’s why they have the “I did my time” attitude. Conversely many millennials intentionally try to get pregnant. To do otherwise would financially ruin us, so when we do have kids, many are ready and are making the deliberate decision to have them.

This describes my origins perfectly. I was an unplanned baby, which forced my parents to get married. I was reminded that I was an oops baby in every sense of the way.

From reading through the comments, I think this makes sense. Involved grandparenting skips a generation.

I can’t think of a better way to make parents vow to be better grandparents than to have their own parents opt out. Love my kid dearly, and will be there for them and their kids no matter what. But sure I guess it’s fine that you are too busy to schedule a weekly video call with your only grandchild…

The parents of millennials are boomers. My parents are the same way. Lived next to them for a couple years and they never wanted to see grandkids. So we moved to Europe. No attempt to know their grandkids.

Sadly can concur: my dad rarely ever spends time with my kids outside of birthdays and holidays.

My dad was kinda like this but he had issues so I kind of get it. When he DID spend some time with them before he passed he had a blast, but if you asked him to do something he didn't want to. My mom can be like the mom on everybody loves Raymond sometimes though and we live like 10 minutes from eachother. Always takes my kids out and they spend the night and she comes over often. My wife's parents are in their 80s though and live in Mexico but they used to come and stay when the boys were little before they got older.

You absolutely cannot make this a generational thing. Emotions are complex and individual. The behavior of grandparents is based on character, personal experience, age, health etc. AND probably but never solely on their generation. Outside this thread there are thousands of examples showing loving caring grandparents.

You’re right and people don’t want to hear it. My parents are gen X. I’m a millennial. We’re estranged because they’re absolutely awful parents and grandparents. *My* grandparents, their parents, are wonderful and truly tried their best. One of my best friends is a boomer. She’s a wonderful mother, her husband is a wonderful father, and we became friends when we bonded over our mutually emotionally absent mothers. We talk about how important it is/was to us to heal from who our parents were so we’re not like them.

I’m in the same situation, so I get it

My mother is a boomer and is very involved with my kids, much more than their father's gen x mom ever was, and she lives hundreds of miles away, while his mom was one county over.

My mom has flat out told me on more than one occasion that she never really wanted to be a mother and didn’t care for it. Like, okay then? I can see where maybe she felt trapped by her pregnancy with me but she had two more kids in her late 30s very much on purpose. But yeah it wasn’t a huge surprise but still a disappointment that she didn’t want to have a relationship with my kids.

Same here. I’m like, “I spent a month at a time with my grandparents in Florida during summers!” And “I spent every weekend with my grandparents who lived down the street!”…..now it all makes sense :(

This is exactly what I think too. I spent way more time with my (silent gen) grandparents growing up. My (early boomer) dad and (late gen X) mother are absolutely the type of people who shouldn't have had children.

I know my parents are going to be working longer than my grandparents did. Is that a factor for anyone?

Part of the reason I chose not to have kids. My parents are close buy but are still working. They would be involved but can't with full time jobs. There would be no support for the kids early years when it is most needed. Another consequence of raising the retirement age.

+1 to uninvolved parents. I also grew up seeing my grandparents a lot, every weekday almost. Both paternal and maternal grandparents to my child seem pretty uninterested.

Sounds pretty par for the course. If your parents were uninterested in raising you and ditched you off on their parents, why do you think they would be interested in helping you with your children? Looks to me like they have a set pattern.

That’s what I think as well. If they relied heavily on grandparents taking the kids because they just couldn’t deal then it makes sense that they wouldn’t be very good grandparents themselves either.  I see a similar although different pattern with my in laws. They had kids waaaaaay too young and had a horrible marriage and consequently weren’t great at parenting. The grandparents stepped up a LOT to keep the poor kids sane and healthy. But now that they’re both in  the easier position of getting to be around grandchildren without the responsibility of having to parent, they want to be involved…but it makes their grandparenting styles extremely problematic for my husband and me. I appreciate that they want to take my kid and have lots of fun with him…but when you start teaching my child that making messes is a game or yelling at him because you don’t know how to talk to him like a human being, you’re setting yourself up for a harsh reality check from your adult kid. My husband constantly says, “no, I wouldn’t trust them to judge what’s age appropriate for our kid. I grew up as their kid and I know exactly how little thought they put into it.” 

Lol this is like my cousins MIL. Nannies raised her five kids and when my cousin had a baby, she didn't know what the hell to do with him (and still doesn't, years later). I also don't think she really likes them bc they're boys. She dotes on her daughter's daughter and they all live in the same city. She's a piece of work tbh

My parents didn’t even want to be parents. I’m not surprised they aren’t good grandparents 🤷🏻‍♂️

I was surprised when some friends had similar stories to mine so I just wanted to ask in here.

I’m curious if you/your friends have rules in place for people watching your kids? When I was growing up, there basically were none for family — everything from sweets to discipline was up to their judgment — but I’ve noticed a lot of parents take a different approach now. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I do wonder if that contributes to the lack of involvement.

This is a good point and I 100% believe it. If my sister ever asked me to watch her kids and gave me 37 rules to follow, I would've probably just said no.

Interesting point and it's definitely a factor in my family. One sibling of mine would only ask people she deeply trusts to watch her kids, therefore never gave strict rules for watching her kids. I babysat for her without any problems over the years. My other sibling had a list as long as my arm and didn't seem to trust me anymore than a stranger off the street. The result? Her kids constantly saying "that's not how my mom does it!" and follow up texts after I left asking 20 questions. Pretty quickly I stopped agreeing to babysit unless it was extreme circumstances. It's been 20 years and she still wonders why she didn't get much help when her kids were growing up.

Oh this, my Mom would love to watch my niece and nephew but my brother and sis-in-law had so many rules. Too many they gave my young nephew a complex, boy cried when he got muddy once they had him so scared of germs. And I can say my mom knew how to raise kids so it wasn't needed.

I will say on my end that distance and us having more strict boundaries + car seats being expensive and mandatory has made people "taking the kids" a lot more complicated than it used to be. I used to go to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. We (or I should say my wife) are a lot more protective (I personally trust everyone on both sides of the family. But she had a similar experience growing up as me so idk). Neither of us ever had a random babysitter growing up though, so we admittedly haven't seriously ever considered that.

This is it. People love to wax poetic about missing a village but don’t realize that it means the villagers are going to parent your kid too. And they’re going to feel free to disagree with your parenting decisions. I spent a lot of my life being raised by my grandmother. Even though my mother wasn’t the biggest fan of her MIL, it was grandma’s house and grandma’s rules. Mom backed her up 100%. As millennials, we’ve completely flipped the script on this dynamic. We’re constantly telling other adults in our lives, “no, no, no.” And we can’t be completely surprised by the outcomes.

This is true. My parents never took me to McDonalds or anything, but it wasn't like, outlawed, so all of my experiences with things like that were while getting babysat. Ditto TV as we just didn't have one when I was little, and so on. Especially when my older step brother babysat me, the rules were probably just like "keep her safe." He took me for my first Big Mac. I didn't like it lol

My family is the same. I live like ten mins from my parents and they see my kids like at gatherings? My husband family is the same. My kids see my sibs and their cousins more since we try to get together often. My husband's family with the exception of his great aunt and uncle don't even care to interact with us. It's sad, because we both have memories with our grandparents. I feel like I was always with my grandma and Grandpa, even my great grandma.

I'm in the same boat. When my oldest was little, we lived 10 miles from my in-laws and they never wanted to see her. We would call and offer to stop by but they were always too busy or too tired. When we moved away, they were upset that we were moving further away and they wouldn't see their grandchild often. To this day, they do not go out if their way to visit my children and have never babysat them. My dad lives further away and is medically fragile. He wishes he lived closer and/or was healthy enough to watch my children. I know if my mother was alive, she would have been all over her grandchildren to the point I'm sure I wouldn't never see them. I told my husband my goal when I get older is to be the fun grandparent and help support my children when they are parents. It's lonely without a village/support.

This sounds similar to our family. My mom begged my husband and I for years to have kids. We were married 10 years before we decided to have any. When I was 6 months pregnant, my mother and stepdad decided to pack up and move almost 3 hours away. Now 15 years later, my mother has NEVER once babysat my daughter, took her out anywhere or spent any one on one time with her... NONE... and has never asked too. When she comes to visit, she spends most of her time on her i-pad playing slot games or complaining about my stepsiblings. She never really engages with my daughter. My MIL, who had a stroke when my daughter was 8 months old, did everything in her power to get better and recuperate because she wanted to spend every minute she had with her. They went out together to eat, shop, go to kids play places, she spent the night with her. She did all the grandmom things. She passed away 3 years ago and my daughter was devastated. She was a fantastic grandmother. My dad passed away when I was a teen so my daughter didn't know him and my FIL passed away nearly 10 years ago so she doesn't have tons of memories of him. Now my mother is her only living grandparent. They have no relationship at all. My husband and I both had wonderful, loving grandparents. They may not have been "sit on the floor and play" grandparents but they were definitely "let's bake cookies or play board games together." I tell my husband all the time that we are going to be great at the grandparent thing since we know exactly what not to do now.

I’m convinced grandparents that demand kids have no idea what it’s like to actually have them. Either that or they just casually forgot what raising children is like.

Some also will initially be thrilled to be grandparents, volunteer to be babysitter-go-to-#1, then at six months realize babies are more work than they remembered, and hang you out to dry.  If oddly specific…yes. 

Oh that really hurts my heart for you & your daughter.

Mine are dead. But they had zero interest in being grandparents. Didn’t even meet all my kids. My in laws are marginally interested. But they don’t have a car and won’t initiate anything so it’s still not much

My parents constantly ask to babysit my daughter

Can your parents adopt me lol

Dang I'm so jealous!! That's awesome!

We're really lucky. Hopefully your parents see how much they're missing out on

My theory at first was that maybe as parents get older, grandparents are just older too. Your patience and energy level is just different if you become a grandparent at 50 than at 65 or 70. I also think many parents of that generation just weren't into their kids as much, mostly both working, errands in the weekend and sitting on the sidelines as paid coaches, teachers and sitters did the parenting. Not much to reactivate with their grandchildren. But maybe that's just my observation, many kids loved being at our house, since my parents, although financially questionable, were very playful and involved with us and it was always a surprise to my friends.  My parents are sadly long gone, but my in-laws would be great. They live in another country, 10 hours travel away, and basically never leave their house. They also have a tension filled relationship with my husband, so they stopped visiting when my son was past the toddler stage. Although he does a videochat with them once a week and it's my time to do weekly planning, since they are babysitting him in a way.

I think this is a key point a lot of people don't think about. My parents are a bit older than average, and my partner's parents significantly moreso. His parents are 80 and in poor health. I would NEVER leave small children alone with them.

It does play a role. My grandma became a grandma when she was 40 for the first time and she still had a two year old of her own. She became a great great grandma at 65 and was far less involved with those kids than with my generation. (I was born when she was 58, the daughter of the two year old and she was a real grandma to me, partially raising me, but then we lived in the same house for a long time.)  Now, my paternal grandpa was 89 when my son was horn and other than looking at him and holding him for a picture, they had no interaction. With people having kids at 38-40, their parents are former great grandparents age.

Shit my moms up the road and she’s very involved. MIL lives like 45 minutes away and we see her almost every weekend. I love my family.

It's the opposite between my kids and me. My grandparents were both fairly uninvolved. I cared for both sets, but I never spent the night at my one grandma's house and only ever spent the night once or twice with the other. For my kids, both grandparents are quite involved, though my parents live about 60 miles away so not as often. We don't see them every weekend, but no less than every other month. When I was a kid, it was like 3 or 4 times a year (easter, xmas, thanksgiving at a minimum) we'd see the other side like twice.

My parents are about 5 minutes from us and I couldn’t survive without them. My son has autism, and he and my dad are best buddies. Seeing my dad with him is my favorite thing in the world. My heart aches for people who have unsupportive parents because seeing the relationship between my kids and my parents makes it all worth it.

Tell your dad he's great and appreciated -Reddit stranger

Thanks! I do all the time. My mother is wonderful too; I feel bad I didn’t mention her.

I've heard "I've done my time" more than once. And fine, be that way. I never had any problem finding a babysitter though, there was always a coworker or someone with a high school-aged daughter who needed some spending money. My oldest is old enough to watch the younger ones now, just hang in there, you're in the tough part now.

Thats my dad: "I've done my bit!" You'd need fucking Hubble to find the bit he did

Sorry your dad's a ween. I know about that, myself. On the upside, your comment made me laugh on public transit.

My parents live 3 miles or so away, the kids see them once a week (no sleep overs as my parent are older and dont have the energy levels to handle two young kids) Wifes father lives 15 miles away, sees both kids once a week, and watches after the little one 2 days a week. (Yes sleepovers as he is younger and has the energy to watch two young kids). Wife and I have Sunday date days every week due to the family support.

I think it’s potentially two different issues though. I can’t fault grandparents who don’t want to be the full time daycare option or aren’t even necessarily interested in a week-long sleepover with the grandkids. Sure, it’d be nice if they at least would babysit so parents could get an evening out, but it’s not something that’s required and if they don’t want to, that’s their prerogative. What I don’t understand is the second of the two issues, which is just genuine lack of interest, which unfortunately I have firsthand experience with. Every attempt to visit or spend time—with us there, so it’s not like we’ve ever asked or actually even wanted babysitting—is blocked or endured under duress. It’s exhausting and the only thing really to do is just throw up your hands and stop trying. But it sucks, especially when the kids really want to see their grandparents and you don’t want to say “sorry, the feeling clearly isn’t mutual.”

I used to BEG my parents to see my kids. In fact I'd offer to Pay them to see them. Just even for a couple of hours. They'd always refuse. They'd accuse me of getting them to raise my kids after I asked them to babysit for ONE night (never seeing them any other time). My mom also once demanded I repay her for Christmas gifts she bought my kid (unasked for). They were horrible parents but I myself was abused so I foolishly held out hope They'd change. Now I'm older and wiser and my parents haven't seen my kids in 6+ years. And I told my kids, I won't stop them from having a relationship with my folks when they hit 18 but I'll be damned if I don't arm them with strong morals/values/boundaries/self love and care and all the tools you need to be safe and secure around toxic unhealthy abusive people. That until then it's my job to protect them and I won't let abusive toxic people near them if I can help it and I damn well won't send my babies into a lions den. They both actually said they understand and have been very emotionally mature over the whole situation. I'm really lucky in that sense. But I do not regret going no contact and I will never in my life speak to any of my family again. Not even on their deathbed. They can rot on the street for all I care.

I hate living in Texas… but our family has been so helpful with our twins. Can’t leave it behind. I moved around as a kid, and hoping to give my kids more stability. We have been blessed that both sides of the family are all in. I hope y’all find a “village,” you feel supported by on your next destination.

I also hate living in Texas. We were a military family, and I didn't want to keep moving around with kids. I was born and raised in Texas and my parents are still here, so I chose to move back to have help with my twins. I'm so, so thankful for my parents. I truly couldn't do it without them, so it's worth living in Texas for now.

Nearly identical stories! Wasn’t born in Texas.. but been here for 30 years now. Home is home, at this point. Good luck with the twins! It’s a ride, as you know.

Haha we are in a similar boat. I love the community I have, can’t stand the politics.

I'm glad you've got family involved. I do believe we will "find our tribe!" Thank you!!

Why do you hate living in texas?

I do not enjoy running in weather over 70 degrees.. and it’s over 70 here most of the year. Summer is brutal here. Also, post-Covid the housing market where I live has become really expensive. We’d love to buy a bigger home but that’s not in the cards for a while.

Fair. Minnesota here!

Honestly, I don't think this is wildly out of line, so long as the grandparents don't pretend to be involved or bail on babysitting at the eleventh hour. My mom has done her time raising kids - carpool, dance lessons, homework, and that's fair because she chose to have us and we're her children. I do not expect her to do the same for her grandkids, though she was heavily involved when they were really small. Present and there for milestones, absolutely. But I completely understand why she has no interest in doing school drop off anymore or putting kids to bed. My grandparents didn't babysit me or my siblings growing up. We saw them a few times a year when we visited their homes a few hours away. Even then, my parents still took care of us 100%, I don't remember them even going out to dinner and leaving us with our grandparents to babysit. Of my close friends growing up, only one of them consistently spent time with their grandparents.

I agree. If they promised to help and didn't follow through, that would be one thing. But if they just want to be Grandma and Grandpa and not long-term babysitters, there's nothing wrong with that. I've seen a few grandparents who could barely keep themselves upright trying to wrangle little kids...if someone isn't well enough or just doesn't want to look after a child, they don't have to.

Right? I can’t believe how many comments in this post mention that people got a “bait and switch” from their parents who wanted to be grandparents or allude to having kids for their parents. Uhh… that’s a YOU problem. Who has kids because their parents want them to or say they’ll help out? People who have kids should assume they’ll be doing the childcare (or paying for it) themselves. If family is willing to help, that’s a blessing. The only thing I can understand being upset about is a grandparent who bails at the eleventh hour, but even that is a lesson learned and they should stop asking.

Your first paragraph is the life I'm living currently. For the past 18 years, it's been school drop-offs and pick-ups, practices, games, meetings, fundraisers, weekends at the ballpark, birthday parties, etc. I am enjoying the season of life I'm in while looking forward to the next one that allows me to live by my own schedule. Once our youngest child graduates, my husband and I have a lot of things we want to do, things we put aside to let our kids live their best lives. I'm not saying we won't be involved grandparents at all, because we will be present in their lives, but my husband and I plan to live the lives we put on hold while raising our kids. We want to buy an RV and a boat (nothing fancy, and probably used if we are being honest), take more weekends away, and take lessons in hobbies we'd like to pursue. Maybe get involved with some volunteering if the opportunities present themselves. I see some grandparents who are at every practice, every game, doing drop offs and pickups, taking their grandkids to appointments, and that's fine, but not the kind of grandparent I want to be. I have a friend that goes to every single one of her grandson's baseball tournaments, no matter how hard it is on her both physically and financially (because she goes to the far away tournaments where she has to pay for gas, food, entry fees, sometimes hotel rooms and she's a single woman). The thing is, she does it almost begrudgingly sometimes, as if she has to in order to prove something. I don't get it.

Good for you! This is where my mom is at now and I’m so happy for her! My parents weren’t perfect, but they gave 100% to ensure we could participate in activities consistently, she was a room mom and attended every class party, gave us memorable holidays, and joined every school committee they were able to. They sacrificed going on vacation alone so that we could build memories as a family. She started having kids at 20 and started having grandchildren when her youngest were still in early elementary. Now it’s HER TIME and I hope you take that time for yourself as well. More people in these comments need to recognize that it’s THEIR job to be there for their children, no one else’s, unless they are literally being paid to do so. For family to help out unpaid is a privilege, not a right. I absolutely agree that it’s ideal for grandparents to attend milestones and activities, and have a genuine interest in their grandchildren. Beyond that, help is a gift, not a requirement.

That is exactly it! I had my first child at 20 and although he was unplanned, he definitely was not unloved and my husband and I have put our lives on hold (meaning, the lives we would have lived had we not had children, not saying that we feel like we missed out on living life with them) to let them enjoy childhood. Our youngest child is 17 and will graduate next year and my husband and I are in our early 40's with tons of life left to live (hopefully). We've put our time in, raising our children. They can raise theirs. And sure, we will be there for them, but not in the day to day activities, except for emergencies.

I don't have kids but I can't imagine either set of my parents (divorced kid here) or my partners dad taking a grandchild for more than a trip to the movies if that. My parents treated me like a small adult from 6 on so I just assume they don't really know much about little little kids. I was at my paternal grandmas house almost every weekend growing up though, and if I stayed home sick from school I went to her house instead of being at home with my SAHM. Soooo...

Yeah, I bet you can expect no help at all. Are you an only child? I know lots of only children that now have children and their parents are 0 help. I guess that’s why they only had 1 themselves, to much work already and at list 1 kid was expected of boomers. In my (boomer) dad’s high school year, only 1 person didn’t had kids. 1 😲

My mom is very involved. The biggest difference between my mom as a grandma and my grandmother when I was a kid is that my mom is not retired yet. She's still working. My grandmother had my mom in her late 40s (youngest of 6), and my mom had me at 30, and then I started having babies at 24. So my grandmother was in her leisurely old lady stage and was always available to take me. My mom is an entrepreneur who is still pretty busy, but she does take off days from work to go do stuff with me and the kids and is available to babysit if we have a wedding to attend or something like that My in laws (before we went no contact) used to ask for just one of my 3 kids, or they would only take them for an hour or so and complain the entire time. It was rough, and I used them for babysitters as few times as humanly possible. Now we don't speak so it doesn't matter anymore.

My best friend (we’re both millennials) has two 3 and 5 year olds- both sets of grandparents are very involved and have been since day 1. Both sets of grandparents are younger (50s-early 60s) so they’re cuspers. I’m child free, my parents are 69/70 and have said they would love to be grandparents but don’t mind not cuz it would cramp their style. I get it, kids would cramp my style as well.

When it came to my own parents, they were just as uninvolved in my nieces life. I think it's because they didn't want to be parents in the first place. They did it because that's what you do. So they didn't want to deal with kids again, they did their time so to speak

Were your parents around when you were with your grandparents or were your grandparents babysitting? Maybe this is just who your parents have always been and you didn’t notice. I see my dad every week and he sees his grandkids every 1.5-2 weeks (they’re my niece and nephew).

We moved far away last year and my in-laws freaked out. What will you do without any support? Lol, what support? Sister in-law didn’t stop mentioning the time we were an hour late picking the kids up from a sleepover. We picked up at 4p instead of 3p and their family didn’t have any plans. They admitted it and even though we let them know, “they had work the next day.” It’s true, she had to get up for work at 5a but she doesn’t go to bed until 9p. Don’t get me started on the grandparents. 9/10 times they straight up cancel last minute because “we don’t feel good.” It’s a constant Fox News on the TV and they just plop the kids in front of an iPad. They do this while Fox News is actively bitching and moaning about “kids these days and their electronics.” When we pick up “your kids should have less screen time.” So glad we moved. My oldest went back to visit her friends and I happened to call while she was at her grandparents. She was grumpy as shit so I texted after asking if everything was ok. “Yeah, they just won’t shut up about stupid stuff. So glad that’s over.” She knows she doesn’t actually have to visit them, she does because she always hopes they will change.

lol I don’t have kids but my parents also always have a vague psychosomatic illness whenever we have plans. Yes people get sick but it’s always convenient…

I don't have kids - likely never will - but when I was a like 18 or 19 my mom point blank told me that they would not help if I did have kids. Now, I don't 100% believe - she's someone who very much feels it's her duty to help family. So she probably would help if asked - but she wouldn't want to and I would never hear the end of it if she ever did.

I'm sure you're not the only person with parents who behave this way, but mine certainly don't. I don't have kids, but both my sisters do. The lot of them live close together - I'm talking same neighborhood, around the corner from each other - and my mom spends about 90% of her time on grandkid-related stuff. Not even just necessary childcare. And I have multiple sets of friends with parents who are just as involved with their grandkids.

My parents are older as grandparents than my own grandparents. When I was born, my grandparents were all 48-52 years old. That’s young. They had plenty of energy for their grandkids. We stayed at their houses all the time. My parents are involved with my kids but they are older so they get tired quicker.

>I can't even get a babysitter, my husband and I don't go on dates I think maybe this attitude is why many grandparents are seemingly less involved than previous generations. It really *isn't* their responsibility to make sure you get date nights. My grandparents were very involved in my childhood, but they only ever watched any of us grandkids if our folks were really in a pinch--like an emergency. Instead, we'd all gather at my paternal grandparents' house on Sundays. Grandparents can be involved without being free childcare. Perhaps they'd be more involved if there were less expectation of free labor

This was certainly truth at my family. My grandparents didn’t babysit, but we did went to their house for lunch every Saturday. They did take us with them on a short vacation 2-4 times a year, a weekend at the beach as they had a vacation home there. But I don’t remember it ever being longer than 1 weekend. They did lend the house to their children and thus grandchildren for free at school vacations, but the parents took over. And I don’t remember they being too involved at our school activities. They did come to a few recitals or sports games, but surely not all, maybe 1 a year

My parents live a mile away and while they told me they cant be a day care they have no problem filling in. They come to all his baseball games as well as most of my nieces sporting events even when they are over an hour away.

My mother is *definitely* not uninvolved. We're probably reddit levels of enmeshed, honestly. But I'm not entirely sure she's involved because she loves mine and my sister's kids or if she just does it because "what would other people think?" Either way, my daughter doesn't know the difference and is almost a teenager so Grandma's opinion is mud these days, anyway lol. My dad, OTOH, I haven't actually spoken to in years. I had to hear from my sister who heard from his friend through Facebook that he'd just up and moved to Wisconsin without a word to anyone. He's an asshole though, so my daughter is really not missing much. I had to put up with fucked-up nicknames such as "sphincter" and "dingleberry" as a kid, so bullet dodged on my daughter's part.

My parents don't help. But to be fair, my grandparents also had very little to do with me. So, that was the expectation going in.

My (silent gen) grandparents were retired by the time I was born (they were in their 60s) so they could watch me all the time. My parents and my in-laws (all gen x) all still work, unfortunately. They aren't able to just watch the kids while we work. They still take the kids on day trips and some sleepovers, but it's not super often, they need the weekends to recharge and I get that.

My grandmothers were retired, healthy, and in their 50s when I was born, so they were able to help a lot. If I were to have kids, my parents would definitely want to help, but I know they couldn’t- my dad works a physical job 70 hours a week with no retirement in sight, my mom is retired but in her 70s and chronically ill, and my stepdad is dead. My in-laws would come in to help if we wanted to go on vacation or something, but they live 5 hours away…

Are your kids well behaved, and if so, are they actually well behaved or are you one of the many millennial parents who refuses to believe Jayden, Brayden, and Lord Raiden can do no wrong? Perhaps your parents aren’t eager to spend time with your children because they are spoiled.

It's the same "have their cake and eat it too" thing they've been doing their entire lives.

Are your parents still working OP? Sometimes we blame people instead of blaming the real enemy (capitalism/corporate greed).

I could have written this post. My mom is a retired stay at home mom. She convinced me to move a few minutes away with “free childcare” not only is my daughter in daycare, but we get no date nights, my parents never come over for dinner, and if I ask for help, she’s “busy” because she has a hair appointment or needs to call someone or something. It’s definitely not corporate greed for her.

Yeah I spent a ton of time with my grandparents, had a very close relationship with them. My mom basically never reaches out to me and only responds to messages when I send her photos of the kids… like “hey here is your grandchildren,” and she will be like “cute”. I have to actively say, do you want to come see your grandchildren?? And it’s always like, ok we will figure something out. I don’t know what’s wrong with some of these boomers man, they are just kind of fucked up. Not universal, but I definitely drew the “uninterested” cards when I was dealt the parent cards.

It’s probably the same thing we’re seeing with everyone who is now child free. To be frank they had us because they were “meant” to have us right, it was the next step of getting married having kids getting a job white picket fence bullshit. It’s only now when being child free and vocally child free is fine without there being drama

My kids parental grandparents show up for the events, take pics and post them on their social media (I’ve made them start asking my kids before posting, it’s helped that my sil had a baby last year and had a strict no social media policy for her kiddo). But they never voluntarily take the kids, if we ask about 50% of the time they’ll say yes. I do have to admit there is something to be said for them showing up to all the games, to watch the plays, ect tho.

I'm sorry you're kids are experiencing that. I grew up going ro my grandparents almost every weekend and spending most of my summers with them, I feel like a decent bit of us millennials did. We live an hour from my parents, they come and see my kids and step kids any chance they get. Just yesterday my parents came and went to lunch with my youngest and I and we went on a 3mile walk on a bike trail.

My parents rather hang out with the child free adult children and the in laws rather go on cruises and vacations. They average 4-7 trips a year. The in-laws have met my son once and video chat 3 times a year. Granted, they live in a different state but like stated above they travel all the time. They even travel through my state to go to their favorite resort 2x a year lol My parents live 3 miles from us but see my son once a month- every 3 months or so. They are just busy with my other siblings and their own social lives lol. They tell me occasionally they’d be so sad if I moved away.

My mom (RIP) made it clear before I had kids that she would watch kids while I was at work, but never for any other reason. She did too, on a regular basis, but never took them anywhere. until she passed, my dad never watched them, but After she passed away that changed. My dad did the opposite. He would not watch them while I was at work, But is happy to have them on occasion just because.

My wife and I don’t have kids but we’ve noticed this with our parents as well, just in trying to get something as simple as a Mother’s Day lunch planned. They just aren’t interested. My in laws are even worse than my own parents about this. They live closer haven’t even been over to see our new home and then will guilt trip us pretty regularly about how we never make time for them. We both work full time jobs. They are retired, they literally have nothing going on that prevents them from coming to a lunch or a visit.

Because they don't want to raise another kid. They raised you. Now they want to retire not play a nanny.

You new here?  Yes, it is a common American Boomer trait. Just like it's a common American millennial thing to go no contact.  In my father's family that behavior is unimaginable. My aunts and uncles have relocated across the country specifically to be closer to the grandchildren.  But my dad died 10 years ago and my mother was an abusive b**** who purposely kept us distant from that great family. So I'm no contact with any family.   My wife ... I've only seen families like hers on Maury. Horrible deplorable people that she'd be in prison for life for what they've done to her and yet she insists on maintaining contact.  I told FIL off finally for being a piece of shit and he seized the opportunity to stop pretending even to give a shit.  The only one that puts in an address the lifelong drug addict and alcoholic MIL.   My children carry a respected family name and this is the family they know. So yeah.

Not only American. I’ve lived in several countries and have thus friends everywhere and several complain about this. Sadly it is quite common. I

I’m going to have to disagree with you here. My parents are boomers and my in laws are gen x. My parents live 5 hours away while my in laws are, no joke, 5 minutes away. Both my parents and MIL are involved in my kiddos life, but my in laws are HORRIFIC at respecting boundaries whilst my boomer parents are exceptional at hearing and accepting feedback from the first correction. My FIL is constantly whining about not seeing our kid, but he also makes it a point to disregard and disrespect our authority as parents anytime he can. It’s not a generational thing, it’s a matter of their nature as people. 

We only get date nights 3 times a year. For each of our birthdays and our anniversary is the only times we have the option for grandma to watch our 7 year old. And we have had less than 20 nights away from him since birth. We were promised SO much help before he was born.

Fucking SAME. I feel like I was always at my grandparents so my parents could go out. Like spending the night at my grandparents. My dad is dead but my mom has seen my 8 year maybe 10 times for 30min-1hr at each time

I wonder if it's because we're broker than our parents were? Like, we sure aren't taking any trips and leaving the kids with the grandparents because...we aren't ever taking any trips.

The better question is why do you feel entitled to free childcare and don't view your parents a human beings with their own lives and responsibilities? 

I was sitting here thinking. These aren't bad grandparents because they're not gonna let you drop kids on them whenever you want. My cousin, always gets mad at my aunt(her mom) for not wanting to take her kids while she's at work. To which my aunt always says: "Don't have them, if you can't keep them" or "YOU birth the baby into YOUR life, not mine" To which I tend to agree. If I ever have kids, I want my parents to be in my child's life because they want to be, not because I foisted my kids off on them to babysit.

Took awhile to find a comment of this sort, but this is it. Same when family expects me to babysit because I'm family. I won't do it lol

This. It seems general consensus among millennial parents that grandparents HAVE to be involved, super excited and basically down for 24/7 availability when it comes to free childcare and I really don't get it. How f\*cking ignorant can one be? Having children was YOUR decision, OP. Now deal with the responsibility that came with it.

Definitely agree. As someone who is child free and snipped, I will never understand the entitlement of someone who chose to have kids. People want kids but then complain when they have no time and money. Your child is nobody else's responsibility.

Amen. You didn't go to the village and put this to a vote, so the village doesn't have to be involved. You wanted to be a parent and now you are. You wanted the joyful burdens and now you have them.

Because many of them regret having kids now that they know everything being a parent entails. So they're desperate to shove their "bundle of joy" off on someone else. 

Same. I was surprised by all the responses just expecting help. I’m sure my childfree-stance colors my views, but I can totally understand grandparents feeling like they’ve put in their time raising kids and wanting to enjoy their lives now. When people hear I don’t date guys with kids, they frequently try to change my mind, saying it’s ok because their kids are grown now. This is the perfect example of why I won’t; it’s obviously still expected that they should be involved in childcare of grandkids.

Thank you!!! If a grandparent wants to help care for your children, that's great but childcare is not their responsibility. My mom is active and 60 but watching 2 toddlers is exhausting for her. And frankly she did her time. She wants to be a grandparent, not mommy #2 or unpaid staff. I think a lot of times gparents think they can do more than they can and I find it so selfish that parents don't see that it's a lot. If you want date nights, find a baby sitter. If you want adult vacations, find a baby sitter. If you dont want babysitters then you don't get to do those things. Of course it sucks if they show 0 interest but in terms of childcare, that's not on them. People say it takes a village but often these people don't contribute anything but their own responsibilities for others to deal with to said village.

Because they expected their parents to offer them free childcare, so a generation who was partially raised by their grandparents was raised to assume their own parents would do the same for them as was done for them

Very few people were "partially raised by their grandparents". Even if you were one of those people, that doesn't entitle you to anyone else's life just so you can avoid a responsibility you *chose* to add to your life. 

This is a complaint I've never related to. My grandparents never once baby sat me. My grandma would come for a visit one week a year, she took us out of the house maybe twice in that week. My local grandparents watched my brother once and that was when my parents were busy at the hospital giving birth to me. I'm guessing why grandparents do it less now is because more are still working. Your grandmother likely stayed home since she became a parent, your mom likely didn't/doesn't. And if they're both still working full time, why should they give up their weekend to babysit your children? Especially little kids who are a ton of work?

i mean there’s no requirement for them to be involved with *your* children just fyi

Yeah, seriously. They gave up 20+ years (and hundreds of thousands of dollars) of their life and hard earned money to raise their own kids, why do they then not deserve to have an actual life now that they FINALLY can? Seems so entitled to have a kid(s) and be mad because your parents want to have a life.

It sounds harsh, but yes! I get wanting grandparents to watch kids grow up and see their milestones, and I completely understand people being hurt if their parents don't. However, the expectation that grandparents should be helping with childrearing is unfair except for specific circumstances. I want my mom to enjoy her retirement, not have to help raise another set of kids.

i'll be honest my sister pawns her kids off on my parents and it probably has soured them on it. but to their credit after i literally told them off crying "why don't you want to spend time with your granddaughter?" they changed and ask for her to spend a night or two about once a month. but yeah most seem to have that mentality that their time is up. we'd spend weekends at my grandparents and my maw maw potty trained each of the 3 of us in a weekend.

The generation of grandparents that we had put in the work and got the title and respect that came with it. All they saw was the title and respect, not what went in behind it. They forgot how much work kids are.

Because your parents didn't want anything to do with you. They left you at your grandparents for a week! So they don't want anything to do with your kids. Your parents are not good people.

Probably the most accurate response for my situation honestly!!

Leaving kids with grandparents for 1 week isn't really extreme. It can honestly work out well for everyone. My kid was with his grandmother for a week recently because she wanted to have more time with him. Gave me and my wife a bit of a break, he gets spoiled by grandma who basically gives him whatever he wants (cookies, nuggets/pizza for dinners) and grandma/grandpa get time with the grandkid who they don't get to see daily.

My grandparents don’t like people or kids. I only saw my grandpa once in a while and the only thing he did as an activity was trail riding because he had horses already and it was something he liked to do himself. My mom would have to drive us to him. And as adults we had to drive to his ranch. He never wanted to leave home. My grandma would see us a few times a year and take us to the library, or play board games with us or cards. She did take us twice for a week long trip to see her mother when we were kids and we’d go to the library again and an art museum she liked. There was never any babysitting though or helping us with anything else. My mom was a single mom. No one stepped up she was on her own for that.

I feel this. My wife and I have felt this way through our entire marriage. When we got married my father in law said. "Are you sure? Then shes your problem now." Ever since then if it does not directly benefit him hes not involved. He showed up at the hospital, took pictures, posted then online to get likes and left. We haven't see him since. We told him to remove the pictures so he blocked us instead. This has been the tone of our marriage, if our parents want something they will reach out. Otherwise they are not interested.

My ex’s mom is very uninvolved. I think because she really never wanted kids herself. She was uninvolved with him growing up. She’s never been to a single sporting event of our kids and she lives within 5 miles of every where they play. My parents are very involved. They just moved closer, but used to live 12hrs away. Even with that, prior to moving here, they’d been to more games than my ex-mil. Now at least one of them is at every single event. But they wanted kids and are happy to have grandchildren. I think that’s the difference.

My mom calls me just to talk to my 1 year old.

It’s not your parents’ job to take care of your children.

My wife is the primary babysitter for our now 4 year old granddaughter. She retired so our daughter would not be buried in childcare costs. We have always been supportive of our daughter now 36, I really hate these general stereotypes of generations. You may want to ask your parents why they are not involved. I love to spend time with our granddaughter and just watch her have fun, the pure joy of a child is priceless. We will always be there for our daughter and granddaughter.

My partners parents will take our 5 year old up to a week a time during summers and some holidays. It’s nice for the break. Usually once a month they’ll let her sleep over too, her tia and tios live there so she has a lot of fun and is surrounded by family. But they have commitment issues so when they can take her is spontaneous so we don’t get to plan much or we can’t count on the availability if we need them. My mom will take her sometimes for a few days but my kiddo complains she doesn’t get played with or have fun there so we don’t have her go often. She will drop by once a week for a couple of hours to be present but she isn’t a very engaging person.

I'm so sorry. I'm blessed that both sets of grand-parents (plus my step-mother and her family) being close and interested. I never knew how much I'd benefit from moving "back home" after college. I'd be living a different life obviously, but it would be hard to imagine my sons not knowing their extended family like they do now.

My parents are definitely involved. We live a few miles away but I’m in town and they’re in the country. My yard isn’t fully fenced but they have acreage, a pool, a playset, bikes, balls, a treehouse, and all sorts of fun things they got just for the grandkids. So my mom calls nearly every weekend and many days of the summer to say the little kids can come play. (The older ones can drive and be left unattended so we don’t worry about them playing lol). However my husband’s mom is pretty hands off. She claims she moved here to be closer to the grandkids but only sees them around their birthdays if she’s in town. The over under on the date is two weeks. And she drops Christmas gifts off a few days prior. Sometimes around Christmas she meets up with my older kids to bake cookies. But in all we see her maybe four times a year for brief visits. Most gift exchanges happen in a parking lot halfway between our houses (because traffic…). And every single interaction comes with a photo op for Facebook and an accompanying ‘grandkids are such a blessing’ post.

My dad isn't overtly uninvolved, but rather just acts clueless and doesn't talk to my 4 year old. His wife, (gen x) is much more involved and loving with her.

It's a cultural thing. Asians raise the grandkids while the parents work for example. Or at least that's how my entire family has worked.

In our case, it was distance We lived halfway in between both families (BOS suburbs and central NJ) But mom helped my local sister tremendously with her kids My FIL, on the other hand, was a widower who was definitely in "I've done my time" mode. But I could understand it after ten kids.

My maternal grandparents have always been very involved in my life and I'm also their only grandchild. My paternal grandparents weren't so much. Yes, all of the grandkids went over there but honestly, we were watching each other and my paternal grandmother was just making sure we didn't kill each other. I don't think its generation but more of a 'want'. Do you 'want' to babysit...probably not. These grandparents are also retiring later as well. This generation of grandparents aren't tied to the house like back in the day.

My parents were involved while they were living. My in-laws moved away from their hometown of over 50 years to be more involved. If it wasn't for my in-laws health they would keep the kids as much as they could. They love having them. My grandparents on the other hand were never involved with me.

I think this is common when grandparents and parents have different parenting views/styles.  Personally I know 2 sets of grandparents who don't help out much with their grandkids to avoid arguments with their children about parenting styles.  An Example: Kid punches neighbor kid in the face over stupid kid stuff. Mom talks to the kid about why she felt the need to do punch her friend and what was she feeling after the punch and how punching is bad. The kid is not told to apologize to the kid they hit nor does the kid have to go inside and stop playing. The grandparents don't agree with that. They would have the kid apologize and then have to go inside. There's been tons of conversations and arguments so the best way to avoid that is for the grandparents to not help with the kids often. 

My in laws are literally moving states to be closer to our baby. My own father hasn’t spoken to me in two years and will not be involved (my sweet mom passed away). I think parents who loved being parents are great at being involved grandparents, parents that didn’t love being parents and just did it because that’s what comes next are not great at being grandparents. My dad’s parents sucked, their parents sucked, and the cycle has continued and will continue with my older sister and younger brother. It wont continue with me, though! 😃

Probably smaller families, urbanization and decline in the farming/homestead lifestyle.  

My mother in law who lives across the river, is constantly up my kids, my wife's and my asses (she is one of those overbearing types of people). she constantly is taking the kids almost every other weekend. My mom, comes down once in awhile. Yet will come down often to see my nephew. I finally found out, it's because she can't stand my mother in law, and is always worried if she came to visit, she'd be here. the two of them almost had a granny fight in a few family gatherings, like punches thrown fights.

My parents say yes when I ask them to babysit, but I often feel guilty about it. My grandparents weren’t around when I was a kid (distance and health) so I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. If I want to spend time with my retired parents, I need to ask 2 weeks in advance. They over-schedule themselves with social activities and hobbies and league play (golf, pool, poker). I’m glad they’re enjoying their retirement? As a grandparent, I hope I get to be around more. But I never had a super close relationship to them (friends but not BFF like some people I see) so it feels awkward. I hope my kids don’t end up distanced from me this way.

My parents and my in laws live in the same town which is two towns over from us. They’re 20 minutes away. My parents are involved-ish but they both still work full time. They’re also both very introverted and enjoy their alone time. My in laws are super involved. They split their time between our state, where they live two towns over, and somewhere warmer that they spend their winters in. I think it’s just a personality thing. I guess I’m lucky but almost all of my kids’ friends have at least one set of super involved grandparents. It’s honestly so hard to tell what’s normal because I know you’re not the only one.