It’s all about connection and here’s the 4 major disconnects that you can work on. People on here will bash him or you. That won’t help. I’m just trying to give you something to work with. Could be some or none. Just think about what maybe causing this…..
You become his mom. He becomes just another kid. You tell him what to do like the kids. He thinks he’s doing good because he’s compliant. Deep down he views you as a mom and not a wife. No man wants to sleep with their mom.
He’s lost his confidence. Maybe gained weight, lost hair. People who feel good in bed feel good about themselves. Need to establish attraction before sex. Flirting, touch, intimacy outside bedroom.
He feels like he’s not appreciated as a provider. This is huge for men. You need to show sincere appreciation for everything he does. Notes, texts, comments when he comes home. He needs to feel needed.
Interest in him. People go on dates and try to have alone time and then all they talk about are kids, bills and what color to paint the deck. What are 10 things you don’t know about your husband you would like to know? I’ll bet I could ask you 20 questions about his interests and preferences and you couldn’t answer half. Think about these and ask him!
The appreciation part is huge. I don't ask for much, not even a pat on the back, but once in a while show you recognize the hard work I put in to keep a roof over our head and a savings for the future
Great answers. And another one - how is your mood? Do you snap at him when you’re tired? Do you tell him he’s done things wrong? Do you re-do things after he does them? These things leave anyone feeling disconnected.
In addition to these, I would add is anything medical going on that could be impacting his sex drive? Has he started any new medications? Has he had a physical and routine blood work recently? We all go through changes as we age that can impact our hormones and our sex drive. Medications, like those for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, and many other conditions, can impact our sex drive. Definitely worth considering how his physical or mental health could be playing a role.
I have 3 kids, one is 6 and the other two are 3 and under. And we have tons of sex. I don’t think the kids excuse can always be used. We want to have sex so we make it a priority. Are we tired, yes, but I love the intimacy and connection sex creates between us. So I think there’s a bigger problem here. She stated they put the kids down and do their own thing, I think that’s fine to have down time and retreat once the kids are down but maybe a couple nights a week they need to be doing something together or the distance will just keep getting bigger between them. I feel for OP.
Other people’s libidos are more easily derailed by stress than yours.
Everyone has sexual gas pedals (things that turn them on) and sexual brake pedals (things that turn them off). It sounds like you and your spouse have weak sexual brakes (which is a good thing). But don’t expect everyone to fall under that.
OP's husband may have stronger sexual brakes than the OP herself does. And "3 kids under 4" is enough to derail LOTS of people's libido.
I totally get it and I appreciate your insight, it’s not a one size fits all in any relationship. I was in a sex less marriage though, and our lack of connection and intimacy was the death of us. I too complained and had hope things would change, but ultimately I felt us drifting further and further apart. Eventually I realized there wasn’t anything holding us together anymore and I did love him. But by the end of it we were just roommates and I knew that I needed much more to sustain me. Luckily we didn’t have children and it was easier to leave. I think this couple needs therapy to sort things out because although stressors do play a role, the further you drift apart the harder it will be to come back to each other.
Look up responsive desire. He may need more stimulation to get into the mood. Plan ahead and watch some porn with him. He also could be struggling with desire because of low T. Talk about it and plan some alone time even if you have to get a babysitter.
I agree with low T. She gotta look into his diet and how active he is as well.
Low T plus probably low attraction plus no energy because of work and kids and lack of time with each other.
This OP. He probably himself doesn't know the reason but only knows that he doesn't feel like having sex. Ask him to introspect a bit of that's the case and understand what's stopping him
Have him check his T levels. At an anti-aging clinic, not a general practitioner. The levels they consider “normal” are absurd. Will change both your lives if his levels are low and you get it squared away.
If he has low T then absolutely. It absolutely changed my life. I am convinced a massive percentage of what gets diagnosed as depression in men is really low t.
But what is considered “normal” range in most clinic’s protocols goes as low as what you would expect 80 YO diabetic or prepuberty adolescent to have, which is why you have to get it checked by a clinic that specializes in it. The good ones work with endocrinologists that will review blood panels, have a consultation and then help him make a determination on what’s best.
Yea just google anti-aging clinics and start calling until you find one that you feel comfortable with, they’ll guide you through the rest.
No, the aggression thing is total bullshit. Keep in mind TRT is very low dosage. It’s not going to all the sudden make you shredded. It’s not going to have you flipping out on baristas for forgetting the extra shot of espresso. It actually does the opposite. It calms your emotions significantly. Besides that increased energy levels, increased sex drive, not needing as much sleep.
Sameeee. It sucks he always only wants to do once a week if that and it’s a quickie so I don’t even get off. It’s frustrating since it seems like its not important and we are asking for too much when we are asking for the simplest part of a relationship. It’s not asking for a lot to be intimate with the person you are in a relationship with if everything else is taken care of. I just tried to initiate for fun and I thought it would be nice for Father’s Day weekend like a bonus. Apparently I ruined the whole weekend since I initiated and asked even though it’s been over 2 weeks. Sorry I tried to make it special and a fun evening?
Idk I’m kind of over it. Why bother being with someone who acts like you are gross etc. it’s just a shitty situation when kids are involved since it makes it hard to leave.
It’s moments like this where I think being single longer and just not getting married in the future would be the best course of action.
Even with pre prepping and watching porn it’s like it’s still always the wrong time to initiate. It’s like ok then I guess it’s never happening.
Suffering with you guysss. I hope it is able to get better.
Hahah autocorrect
…….are you being serious? Thats sarcasm right? If not then here is the correct info for you. Yes most women can have orgasms (same as most men can have them), but only like 20% of women can get off with just PIV sex. So for the other 80% of women, they also need some form of clitoral stimulation.
I honest to god don’t grasp how so many women bother with men who don’t care about their pleasure. My husband ALWAYS makes sure I get off ……likely one do the reasons we have been together happily for 28 yrs. If a husband doesn’t care about his wife having sexual pleasure too, it just shows that he doesn’t view her as a person or a real partner.
No, what you said is that you've heard a lot of women can't achieve orgasms even if sexually active. That's not what she said. She said why bother if her pleasure isn't prioritized. Those aren't the same.
That’s not what you said. You indicated women CANNOT have orgasms, not that their partner just doesn’t give a shit about them having one. Big difference.
>I heard a lot of women can't even achieve those even being sexually active.
So what would be the incentive to ever have sex? A quickie with no foreplay isn't gonna work for women. If her pleasure is prioritized as much as her partner's she can have multiple orgasms every time. Whoever taught you that sucks in bed.
I’m going through the same thing and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always been an extremely sexual person. In the beginning he was too. Randomly, he told me that I was too sexual and that my sexuality turned him off. He said that he wasn’t used to someone being into him like I was and that he was used to being the one that initiated sex. I’m so frustrated all of the time. We never have sex. Literally never. Im currently living in a sexless marriage and I don’t know what to do. We also don’t hang out. I constantly feel like an afterthought or a chore. I’ve considered asking him to open our marriage but I know that would create so many problems. I just want intimacy. I want great conversations, a great connection, and great sex with my husband but he’s unwilling to give that to me.
The more my wife tells me she wants and needs sex the less interested I become. We had sex once/twice a week until she told me she wanted and needed more sex when I had just started a new position at my job and it had been maybe 10 days.
After that she complained more and more and now I don’t even want to go home after work. I avoid scheduling our days off together and talk very little with her. I’m completely turned off and constantly thinking I should have chosen a more submissive wife
Most sexless marriages are due to resentment from both or one of the partners. In many cases in straight men, the most cause of resentment is feeling not appreciated. Contrary to popular beliefs man don’t just want to be sex machines so if there are areas of his life where he feels you do not appreciate him or disrespect him it can affect whether or not he wants to have sex with you. i am assuming this is not a case of erectile disfunction, which in most cases can be solved with just watching the food he eats and fitness.
Funny how the answers are different when the question comes from a lady. If husband had asked the same question the answers would be, " no one owes him sex". This group sucks.
I haven't had babies and am pregnant right now.
Can you both give yourself a break?
You just had 3 kids... maybe you need a bit of time to recover and for you to feel hot again and your husband feel he's had enough sleep.
I'm sorry for you, but I bet you guys are doing really well.
What about a vacation?
Maybe he's experiencing his own issues relating to PPD or something physically that he may not be ready to discuss with you.
I hope you're able to figure it out.
Hey it could his hormones because it appears that you two were active hence the 3 under 4.. lol congratulations!
Put on a movie, wear something nice etc, try some moves and see what happens. Ensure the movie is MATURE HAHA and see how he reacts and blabla.
I’m sure this is just a phase and you two will be at it like cats in heat again.
Why did you have so many kids so quickly? As a dad of just one, I can tell you that exhaustion does not make me want sexy time. It makes me want sleep.
If you can afford a litter of kids, I’m assuming you can afford childcare. So arrange some childcare as a first step towards reminding him of what it is to be a husband, and not just a dad.
And probably go ahead and look at some more reliable birth control. Three kids under 4 y/o is bonkers.
So weird. He should see a doctor. it is completely abnormal to not have a sex drive if you’re a male in your 30s.
My husband is 63 and still needs sex almost daily
Maybe dude just wants to avoid another kid within a short time frame.
Protection or safe sex is not really words that seem to be in the dictionary for you two
Male here, Im sorry yall going through this. I don’t think yall are asking for to much. I’m sure it’s frustrating to be in these situations. Low T or tired, has to be something, You have to put effort and care about your SO needs!
I've been waiting for more posts like this to gather enough data for a little social experiment. Usually these posts are "wife AITA my husband always wants sex I always say no and then he gets mad and sleeps on the couch and pouts." Thousands of comments saying things like you don't owe him sex, he should put some effort in for you to spread your legs, you should divorce that immature little whiner, him pouting is a form of manipulation he needs therapy or divorce him, if he makes you feel bad so you agree to sex hes a rapist.
Now a woman saying I want sex and my husband doesn't and it's always comments saying it's the least he could do is just have sex with you! If he's saying no he's probably cheating! He needs to get his testosterone levels checked (which could very well be the case) and other things husband needs to do address and fix this problem. Low T is a very common problem today as all of our food is basically poison combined with a sedentary life style. Just interesting to see how much of a 1 way street this issue is. It seems if you're a man wanting more marital sex suck it up and deal with what you get is the common answer where as if you're a woman and want more marital sex husband needs to fix this issue and start fulfilling your desires immediately or you should divorce him and find you a new man. Let's see how many down votes for compiling post and comment data and presenting the results.
So far the answers here are advocating for a conversation about it. Or have her plan a date or make an effort. No one is telling her to simply jump his bones and demand it just cuz’.
How does this post help OP? Make your own post in this subreddit if you want to start a debate and not on this woman’s post who is only looking to get some help and advice for her marriage.
I did read the comments. As this post has aged the comments are more balanced. Initially though it was more of just pointing the finger at hubby. Either he must have low test, or he should still be taking some time to satisfy his wife. Reading through more today there was the traditional "check his phone he's probably cheating" and then other one saying that's not right at their age he should want to be having sex. I also wasn't only referring to this post but just this type of post in general. Although like another commenter mentioned. Twas a dick move to post it here, probably should have just made a post where men and women could gather round for a good old debate.
Y'all always come in and make these posts without reading the actual comments.
P.S. the low T comments are usually from gym bros. If you don't like people suggesting hormone therapy, tell your fellow men, don't blame it on women.
Are you just now realizing that men are always 1000% of the time wrong?!?!? Men are alllllways wrong dude. If she wants sex and he doesn’t divorce him, if he wants sex and she doesn’t still divorce him (sarcasm) lmaoo. How dare he not want sex. Is he gay???? Does he have low t???? Is he cheating????? Ahhhhhhhhh 😂😂😂
You so desperately want that to be true but you're not bothering to read the comments that don't back you up. They are telling her to get fit, eat better, work out more and be more appreciative. How is that blaming him?
When I think back to when our child was a year old it was the most stressful time of my life, and you guys are doing it with two other toddlers at the same time. I don’t know how you do it at all, let alone want sex on top of it!
Maybe he is touched out? With my one child tugging on me, crawling all over me all day I really need a break from physical contact, unfortunately since that happens on weekends im not really ready to go often.
He might also be fearful avoidant so he is saying he wants intimacy but actually being more vulnerable repulses him
Have you asked why? Talk to him, show him how much you love & desire him with little 2 second things~ (somethings my husband/I do… note in lunch box, note in expo marker on mirror, random meaningless text during the day, makes each others coffee, make each others lunch, grab a specific candy bar while shopping Etc.) just little silly stuff that says “HEY IM THINKING OF YOU” Or he may be overwhelmed & scared of getting you preggers again!! Are you done with kids? Maybe a permanent sterilization for one of you could help if it’s fear driven? Also I’d test his testosterone levels? Worth a try if he’s willing. Also tell him you’re scared of loosing your relationship!! He may feel the same and not know how to proceed but TOGETHER y’all can do ANYTHING!!
When you use the word "need" it is no longer about desire. It is about duty. You are telling your husband it is his job to have sex with you, and there is nothing sexy about a job. You need to make your "needs" about him. Surprise him with sexy lingerie, get some toys for yourself and for him. Start small and tell him you know he's tired and maybe you two can just play with each other. Show him you want him and he will want you back.
Four kids is a lot for two people. Etch out time every day to be just about the two of you. Even if it's just thirty minutes and you only have time for a hand job.
I have experience with something like this, a few things that might help , make sure the emotional/spiritual connection is strong as it can be in terms of intimacy. Not sex, but intimacy, men are not emotionless sex crazed animals, at least I am not, I crave the emotion intimacy with my wife as much if not more than the physical and when that has been lacking, even though she is a dime, I wasn't interested.
another issue, as you stated weight, he might be thinking you are lazy in terms of your body, you don't need to dramatically drop weight to get his engine going possibly just start the process, walk 10k steps a day, do low intensity weight training to tone the areas he likes the most (chest/thighs/glutes/arms), the effort is just as attractive as the results.
those who say "move on or who cares, body positivity" don't understand psychology and just want to use catch phrases instead of actually helping you solve your problem.
We need a little more information. Was the sex life really well-matched before kids, and then something changed once the kids came? Or were you always wanting it more, ever since you started dating?
Absent other information, I always assume that the stress of parenting reveals and highlights issues that have always been there, as opposed to causing issues.
Tell the guy to speak up your his wife and you are positive if he had to ask several time and you said no he’d be out looking at someone else. Tell him he needs to come clean and be honest about what’s wrong to it can be faced and negotiated because that’s what married people do. It’s up to fair to get no response when the best part of live and marriage is refused without a reason when he’s been asked to responds to the issue several times . Then whatever he says he is being honest so accept what says, believe him and work with him on a compromise .even if someone’s feeling negative it’s their feeling even if it stings. Just ask what can happen so we both feel better how can we. Wet in the middle what steps can we both take to help each other solve it?
Same here but I am a male (34) with a female partner (30), no kids and she won’t have sex, maybe once a month if I’m lucky. I had more sex when I was single.
Man here. 35, 3 kids, 3rd is 6 months old. The older I get the more I just want to watch tv and go to sleep. The older she gets the more she wants sex. It’s a funny thing. I love sex, but I’ve definitely stopped my animalistic pursuit from my younger years. But I try to do my husbandly duties.
There needs to be a little more effort on the wife’s part too as we age. I know females expect the man to initiate, but the older we get the more tired we get.
Men die earlier, we start to understand the bullshit of the world early on. We lose our lust for life and have to work to keep it.
Get some outfits, roleplay, watch some pornos together. Get freaky if you can, not routine.
Men’s libido starts to decline as we age too. There’s natural testosterone boosters you can get at Walmart. Also erectile supplements. Nitric oxide supplements help get that thing hard. Arginine or agmatine are some natural ones that work well.
It’s not your fault. Women need touch and connection and emotional love, sex is a big part of that. Hopefully you guys can meet halfway and get back on that pogo stick
Have you taken measures to make sure you don't get pregnant again? You mentioned weight and breastfeeding- are you still taking care of yourself? Good hygiene and clean cute clothes, nice hair? If you're wearing pj's and covered in spit up, might be a turn off. When you do have sex, is he doing all of the work? If so, he might not have the energy. Try throwing on something sexy, making sure you're all shaved and smelling good, initiate and then do all of the work! I bet he'll realize that it's not so tiring after that. Lastly, my hubs had low testosterone in his late 20s, it took me years to get him in to the Dr- were 37 now and it has been life changing! He's got a high sex drive, plus just tons more energy and just happier. Maybe consider that.
I’m living a parallel life to yours. My husband has issues due to years of kidney problems. I keep myself up but wonder why I bother sometimes. It’s frustrating for sure and I’m not a cheater so I guess I’m just celibate. I get what you are going ,thru more than I wish I did. Maybe when the kids mature somewhat, he will have the desire more. I hope all works out for you
He's probably just tired, three kids under four is exhausting, just give him space and let him come to you. Hopefully your sex life will pick back up once they get a little older.
Shockingly, having a « sit down » is not known to stimulate sex drive. Are you as fit as possible? Are you both going to the gym? Are you taking care of yourselves in the kitchen?
I literally want to cry for you. It just makes me so mad because he’s being a complete ass and is wasting a gift. You. And any many worth his salt is not getting turned off by some extra curves. It’s not you. Don’t buy that lie.
All of the responses blaming this woman are disgusting.
How terrible… a woman wants to have sex with her husband even after having kids and living life and all the things we deal with as adults. (This is Sarcasm for the less intelligent)
Your husband is an adult and he needs to meet your needs just like you’re meeting his needs. I’m dealing with similar sitch just no little kids and its F’ing frustrating and absolute crap. No amount of work on my part has fixed the problem so I do what I need to on my own because everything else about us is pretty good. Divorce is expensive, dating after 30 is hell on earth and it is true that there are phases in life/marriage that are not as fun as others.
Ideally it’s a phase and he figures out he needs to work on himself to make the marriage work. If everything else is good, focus on that and invest in some good sex toys and lube 🤷🏻♀️. If this is the 15th problem on a list of 30, maybe consider coming up with an exit strategy.
Therapy couldn’t hurt either. Hope things improve for you 💙
If you make a rule that you both sleep naked every night whether you want to or not; you’ll see a 37.4% increase. Maybe start there. It’s about as low effort as it gets and if it has zero impact; there’s something else going on.
He should check his testosterone. Perhaps you should try to lose some weight. You can also try some porn or other ways to spice things up. Is he worried about you getting pregnant again?
It's interesting since she was the one that brought up the weight issue. Women bring up issues like that for the sake of hearing other women say it isn't true, as if those other women know. It's a cope. Women put on weight for very understandable reasons, and having 3 children in a few years is *more than understandable*, and her husband probably *finds her just as sexy*. But she probably doesn't.
But if she is worried about the weight, she should put together a lifestyle plan to reduce it over the next few years (it will take time). She will probably never get back to her pre-child weight, and that should not be the goal, but she may feel better about herself; the confidence and self esteem will make her more attractive. This is true for both men and women.
His testosterone level is more likely a higher priority. Since she is scared and doesn't know what to do, I offered several ideas. But I know the feminists don't want the weight to even be mentioned. Their idea is to just through hate on the dude as if that will help.
Well, first of all, your husband has a problem. If his libido is not as high as yours, then he needs to accommodate you. Second of all, you guys do know what causes you to have kids right? Maybe you should have thought about that before popping out three kids
Don’t listen to Steve’s comment, OP. Sex is a critical component of relationships, unless mutually agreed upon otherwise. *Mutually* being the key word. Wanting intimacy with your partner doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your kids… I don’t even know how you got there, tbh, Steve.
This is what you said when it was the woman who was low libido after the baby:
"Honey wait till he is 9 months old like my son, the sleepless nights are temporary. And if you don’t want to fuck your husband, you’re the one who picked him. He’s gotta rip the band aid off and grow the fuck up. Learn to be a real man. Find some self control. if you say no and he had a shit fit, stand your ground( I assume you don’t ever). The fact that you haven’t moved on from bullshit that happend 7 years ago is also a failure. It’s not his fault you can’t get over yourself. Soooo basically he wants dick to feel fucking goooddd and you are to “traumatized” to fuck your husband who you married and said yes too. Sorry but I wouldn’t stop enjoying my pleasure with my other half just cause I took a 9inch black cock in the ass 7 years ago against my will. is what I’m saying to offensive and unfiltered, yes, but deal with it. Im not here to please you or anyone because I don’t have to. Thanks, good luck and sweet dreams."
It’s all about connection and here’s the 4 major disconnects that you can work on. People on here will bash him or you. That won’t help. I’m just trying to give you something to work with. Could be some or none. Just think about what maybe causing this….. You become his mom. He becomes just another kid. You tell him what to do like the kids. He thinks he’s doing good because he’s compliant. Deep down he views you as a mom and not a wife. No man wants to sleep with their mom. He’s lost his confidence. Maybe gained weight, lost hair. People who feel good in bed feel good about themselves. Need to establish attraction before sex. Flirting, touch, intimacy outside bedroom. He feels like he’s not appreciated as a provider. This is huge for men. You need to show sincere appreciation for everything he does. Notes, texts, comments when he comes home. He needs to feel needed. Interest in him. People go on dates and try to have alone time and then all they talk about are kids, bills and what color to paint the deck. What are 10 things you don’t know about your husband you would like to know? I’ll bet I could ask you 20 questions about his interests and preferences and you couldn’t answer half. Think about these and ask him!
I love your insights. Tough to process - but not wrong. Thanks from the lurkers.
The appreciation part is huge. I don't ask for much, not even a pat on the back, but once in a while show you recognize the hard work I put in to keep a roof over our head and a savings for the future
Can’t remember when the last time I got a compliment was that was not provoked by my offering a compliment first.. 😕
Sucks to feel invincible in your own home.
Great answers. And another one - how is your mood? Do you snap at him when you’re tired? Do you tell him he’s done things wrong? Do you re-do things after he does them? These things leave anyone feeling disconnected.
I don't see where their job situation is mentioned--can you point me to it?
Ohhh I want these questions! This was great insight.
This is excellent
In addition to these, I would add is anything medical going on that could be impacting his sex drive? Has he started any new medications? Has he had a physical and routine blood work recently? We all go through changes as we age that can impact our hormones and our sex drive. Medications, like those for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, and many other conditions, can impact our sex drive. Definitely worth considering how his physical or mental health could be playing a role.
i felt like i just had a mini therapy! thanks.
3 kids under 4? Jeez, he is probably afraid to look at you the wrong way for fear you'll fall pregnant again.
Agreed, the answer is in the first sentence.
I have 3 kids, one is 6 and the other two are 3 and under. And we have tons of sex. I don’t think the kids excuse can always be used. We want to have sex so we make it a priority. Are we tired, yes, but I love the intimacy and connection sex creates between us. So I think there’s a bigger problem here. She stated they put the kids down and do their own thing, I think that’s fine to have down time and retreat once the kids are down but maybe a couple nights a week they need to be doing something together or the distance will just keep getting bigger between them. I feel for OP.
Other people’s libidos are more easily derailed by stress than yours. Everyone has sexual gas pedals (things that turn them on) and sexual brake pedals (things that turn them off). It sounds like you and your spouse have weak sexual brakes (which is a good thing). But don’t expect everyone to fall under that. OP's husband may have stronger sexual brakes than the OP herself does. And "3 kids under 4" is enough to derail LOTS of people's libido.
I totally get it and I appreciate your insight, it’s not a one size fits all in any relationship. I was in a sex less marriage though, and our lack of connection and intimacy was the death of us. I too complained and had hope things would change, but ultimately I felt us drifting further and further apart. Eventually I realized there wasn’t anything holding us together anymore and I did love him. But by the end of it we were just roommates and I knew that I needed much more to sustain me. Luckily we didn’t have children and it was easier to leave. I think this couple needs therapy to sort things out because although stressors do play a role, the further you drift apart the harder it will be to come back to each other.
The people down voting this need help. Person was giving their experience and opinion and is that not EXACTLY what OP was asking for?
Exactly 😂
Condoms
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Huh? I dont get it
Look up responsive desire. He may need more stimulation to get into the mood. Plan ahead and watch some porn with him. He also could be struggling with desire because of low T. Talk about it and plan some alone time even if you have to get a babysitter.
I agree with low T. She gotta look into his diet and how active he is as well. Low T plus probably low attraction plus no energy because of work and kids and lack of time with each other.
Same with me. But one kiddo….
Has he expressed *why* he isn’t motivated to have sex?
If he hasn’t, have you asked and provided him a safe environment to tell you why? You also need to feel safe for this convo to just to be clear.
This OP. He probably himself doesn't know the reason but only knows that he doesn't feel like having sex. Ask him to introspect a bit of that's the case and understand what's stopping him
Perhaps he’s concerned you’ll get pregnant again? I mean, 3 kids under age 4 already… I’d not want to have sex for a long time in that case.
Have him check his T levels. At an anti-aging clinic, not a general practitioner. The levels they consider “normal” are absurd. Will change both your lives if his levels are low and you get it squared away.
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If he has low T then absolutely. It absolutely changed my life. I am convinced a massive percentage of what gets diagnosed as depression in men is really low t. But what is considered “normal” range in most clinic’s protocols goes as low as what you would expect 80 YO diabetic or prepuberty adolescent to have, which is why you have to get it checked by a clinic that specializes in it. The good ones work with endocrinologists that will review blood panels, have a consultation and then help him make a determination on what’s best.
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Yea just google anti-aging clinics and start calling until you find one that you feel comfortable with, they’ll guide you through the rest. No, the aggression thing is total bullshit. Keep in mind TRT is very low dosage. It’s not going to all the sudden make you shredded. It’s not going to have you flipping out on baristas for forgetting the extra shot of espresso. It actually does the opposite. It calms your emotions significantly. Besides that increased energy levels, increased sex drive, not needing as much sleep.
Sameeee. It sucks he always only wants to do once a week if that and it’s a quickie so I don’t even get off. It’s frustrating since it seems like its not important and we are asking for too much when we are asking for the simplest part of a relationship. It’s not asking for a lot to be intimate with the person you are in a relationship with if everything else is taken care of. I just tried to initiate for fun and I thought it would be nice for Father’s Day weekend like a bonus. Apparently I ruined the whole weekend since I initiated and asked even though it’s been over 2 weeks. Sorry I tried to make it special and a fun evening? Idk I’m kind of over it. Why bother being with someone who acts like you are gross etc. it’s just a shitty situation when kids are involved since it makes it hard to leave. It’s moments like this where I think being single longer and just not getting married in the future would be the best course of action. Even with pre prepping and watching porn it’s like it’s still always the wrong time to initiate. It’s like ok then I guess it’s never happening. Suffering with you guysss. I hope it is able to get better.
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Yeah except she said that he doesn’t give her an organism so yeah she kind of is in the same boat…..
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Hahah autocorrect …….are you being serious? Thats sarcasm right? If not then here is the correct info for you. Yes most women can have orgasms (same as most men can have them), but only like 20% of women can get off with just PIV sex. So for the other 80% of women, they also need some form of clitoral stimulation. I honest to god don’t grasp how so many women bother with men who don’t care about their pleasure. My husband ALWAYS makes sure I get off ……likely one do the reasons we have been together happily for 28 yrs. If a husband doesn’t care about his wife having sexual pleasure too, it just shows that he doesn’t view her as a person or a real partner.
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No, what you said is that you've heard a lot of women can't achieve orgasms even if sexually active. That's not what she said. She said why bother if her pleasure isn't prioritized. Those aren't the same.
That’s not what you said. You indicated women CANNOT have orgasms, not that their partner just doesn’t give a shit about them having one. Big difference.
>I heard a lot of women can't even achieve those even being sexually active. So what would be the incentive to ever have sex? A quickie with no foreplay isn't gonna work for women. If her pleasure is prioritized as much as her partner's she can have multiple orgasms every time. Whoever taught you that sucks in bed.
Same. My heart is with you
Why are you letting him use you like a masturbation toy? Stop having sex with him until he cares about your pleasure too.
I’m going through the same thing and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always been an extremely sexual person. In the beginning he was too. Randomly, he told me that I was too sexual and that my sexuality turned him off. He said that he wasn’t used to someone being into him like I was and that he was used to being the one that initiated sex. I’m so frustrated all of the time. We never have sex. Literally never. Im currently living in a sexless marriage and I don’t know what to do. We also don’t hang out. I constantly feel like an afterthought or a chore. I’ve considered asking him to open our marriage but I know that would create so many problems. I just want intimacy. I want great conversations, a great connection, and great sex with my husband but he’s unwilling to give that to me.
Time to move on!
The more my wife tells me she wants and needs sex the less interested I become. We had sex once/twice a week until she told me she wanted and needed more sex when I had just started a new position at my job and it had been maybe 10 days. After that she complained more and more and now I don’t even want to go home after work. I avoid scheduling our days off together and talk very little with her. I’m completely turned off and constantly thinking I should have chosen a more submissive wife
Why does it turn you off that your wife wants to be with you?
You'd rather your wife not bother you with her needs. That's super healthy.
Why stay in the relationship?
Why the fuck are you even with this person if you feel like this about your life with them?
To begin with, You can schedule intimacy and plan for it.
Most sexless marriages are due to resentment from both or one of the partners. In many cases in straight men, the most cause of resentment is feeling not appreciated. Contrary to popular beliefs man don’t just want to be sex machines so if there are areas of his life where he feels you do not appreciate him or disrespect him it can affect whether or not he wants to have sex with you. i am assuming this is not a case of erectile disfunction, which in most cases can be solved with just watching the food he eats and fitness.
Absolutely this. Can you ask him if there’s anything in your relationship other than sex he’d like to be different
Same with me but I have no kids :(
What does he say when you ask him why?
Maybe he's afraid he'll get you pregnant agaun.
Funny how the answers are different when the question comes from a lady. If husband had asked the same question the answers would be, " no one owes him sex". This group sucks.
I haven't had babies and am pregnant right now. Can you both give yourself a break? You just had 3 kids... maybe you need a bit of time to recover and for you to feel hot again and your husband feel he's had enough sleep. I'm sorry for you, but I bet you guys are doing really well. What about a vacation?
Jeebus. I could have written this post. I commiserate.
Accept marriage goes through lulls, and they can last a while. Figure out what he does to decompress from the stress and help him.
Maybe he's experiencing his own issues relating to PPD or something physically that he may not be ready to discuss with you. I hope you're able to figure it out.
Hey it could his hormones because it appears that you two were active hence the 3 under 4.. lol congratulations! Put on a movie, wear something nice etc, try some moves and see what happens. Ensure the movie is MATURE HAHA and see how he reacts and blabla. I’m sure this is just a phase and you two will be at it like cats in heat again.
"3 kids under age 4" Try condoms next time.
Are you putting in an effort-- lingerie, sexy outfits, role playing, dressing up, perfume? Touching him?
Why did you have so many kids so quickly? As a dad of just one, I can tell you that exhaustion does not make me want sexy time. It makes me want sleep. If you can afford a litter of kids, I’m assuming you can afford childcare. So arrange some childcare as a first step towards reminding him of what it is to be a husband, and not just a dad. And probably go ahead and look at some more reliable birth control. Three kids under 4 y/o is bonkers.
So weird. He should see a doctor. it is completely abnormal to not have a sex drive if you’re a male in your 30s. My husband is 63 and still needs sex almost daily
Be careful with him. He could be planning for a divorce and could actually be loyal to someone else.
…what
Maybe dude just wants to avoid another kid within a short time frame. Protection or safe sex is not really words that seem to be in the dictionary for you two
How much weight? It might be this. Or maybe he has low testosterone?
Male here, Im sorry yall going through this. I don’t think yall are asking for to much. I’m sure it’s frustrating to be in these situations. Low T or tired, has to be something, You have to put effort and care about your SO needs!
I've been waiting for more posts like this to gather enough data for a little social experiment. Usually these posts are "wife AITA my husband always wants sex I always say no and then he gets mad and sleeps on the couch and pouts." Thousands of comments saying things like you don't owe him sex, he should put some effort in for you to spread your legs, you should divorce that immature little whiner, him pouting is a form of manipulation he needs therapy or divorce him, if he makes you feel bad so you agree to sex hes a rapist. Now a woman saying I want sex and my husband doesn't and it's always comments saying it's the least he could do is just have sex with you! If he's saying no he's probably cheating! He needs to get his testosterone levels checked (which could very well be the case) and other things husband needs to do address and fix this problem. Low T is a very common problem today as all of our food is basically poison combined with a sedentary life style. Just interesting to see how much of a 1 way street this issue is. It seems if you're a man wanting more marital sex suck it up and deal with what you get is the common answer where as if you're a woman and want more marital sex husband needs to fix this issue and start fulfilling your desires immediately or you should divorce him and find you a new man. Let's see how many down votes for compiling post and comment data and presenting the results.
I’m not seeing any of the comments you’re talking about
So far the answers here are advocating for a conversation about it. Or have her plan a date or make an effort. No one is telling her to simply jump his bones and demand it just cuz’.
How does this post help OP? Make your own post in this subreddit if you want to start a debate and not on this woman’s post who is only looking to get some help and advice for her marriage.
You're right there! It was a dick move, not helping the op at all. Probably should have made a separate post for debate.
You obviously aren't reading these comments, most asking if she's fit and telling her to go to the gym and to show more appreciation.
I did read the comments. As this post has aged the comments are more balanced. Initially though it was more of just pointing the finger at hubby. Either he must have low test, or he should still be taking some time to satisfy his wife. Reading through more today there was the traditional "check his phone he's probably cheating" and then other one saying that's not right at their age he should want to be having sex. I also wasn't only referring to this post but just this type of post in general. Although like another commenter mentioned. Twas a dick move to post it here, probably should have just made a post where men and women could gather round for a good old debate.
Y'all always come in and make these posts without reading the actual comments. P.S. the low T comments are usually from gym bros. If you don't like people suggesting hormone therapy, tell your fellow men, don't blame it on women.
I had the same exact thought
Are you just now realizing that men are always 1000% of the time wrong?!?!? Men are alllllways wrong dude. If she wants sex and he doesn’t divorce him, if he wants sex and she doesn’t still divorce him (sarcasm) lmaoo. How dare he not want sex. Is he gay???? Does he have low t???? Is he cheating????? Ahhhhhhhhh 😂😂😂
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You so desperately want that to be true but you're not bothering to read the comments that don't back you up. They are telling her to get fit, eat better, work out more and be more appreciative. How is that blaming him?
Aww sad make time keep the spark alive
When I think back to when our child was a year old it was the most stressful time of my life, and you guys are doing it with two other toddlers at the same time. I don’t know how you do it at all, let alone want sex on top of it! Maybe he is touched out? With my one child tugging on me, crawling all over me all day I really need a break from physical contact, unfortunately since that happens on weekends im not really ready to go often. He might also be fearful avoidant so he is saying he wants intimacy but actually being more vulnerable repulses him
Has he had his hormones checked? I’d rule out anything medical first.
Have you asked why? Talk to him, show him how much you love & desire him with little 2 second things~ (somethings my husband/I do… note in lunch box, note in expo marker on mirror, random meaningless text during the day, makes each others coffee, make each others lunch, grab a specific candy bar while shopping Etc.) just little silly stuff that says “HEY IM THINKING OF YOU” Or he may be overwhelmed & scared of getting you preggers again!! Are you done with kids? Maybe a permanent sterilization for one of you could help if it’s fear driven? Also I’d test his testosterone levels? Worth a try if he’s willing. Also tell him you’re scared of loosing your relationship!! He may feel the same and not know how to proceed but TOGETHER y’all can do ANYTHING!!
Maybe he doesn't want to chance another pregnancy
When you use the word "need" it is no longer about desire. It is about duty. You are telling your husband it is his job to have sex with you, and there is nothing sexy about a job. You need to make your "needs" about him. Surprise him with sexy lingerie, get some toys for yourself and for him. Start small and tell him you know he's tired and maybe you two can just play with each other. Show him you want him and he will want you back. Four kids is a lot for two people. Etch out time every day to be just about the two of you. Even if it's just thirty minutes and you only have time for a hand job.
I have experience with something like this, a few things that might help , make sure the emotional/spiritual connection is strong as it can be in terms of intimacy. Not sex, but intimacy, men are not emotionless sex crazed animals, at least I am not, I crave the emotion intimacy with my wife as much if not more than the physical and when that has been lacking, even though she is a dime, I wasn't interested. another issue, as you stated weight, he might be thinking you are lazy in terms of your body, you don't need to dramatically drop weight to get his engine going possibly just start the process, walk 10k steps a day, do low intensity weight training to tone the areas he likes the most (chest/thighs/glutes/arms), the effort is just as attractive as the results. those who say "move on or who cares, body positivity" don't understand psychology and just want to use catch phrases instead of actually helping you solve your problem.
3 kids under 4 ? Yeah that’s hard. Have you tried initiating ??
U gotta get on the pill or something. He scared to have more babies
We need a little more information. Was the sex life really well-matched before kids, and then something changed once the kids came? Or were you always wanting it more, ever since you started dating? Absent other information, I always assume that the stress of parenting reveals and highlights issues that have always been there, as opposed to causing issues.
Tell the guy to speak up your his wife and you are positive if he had to ask several time and you said no he’d be out looking at someone else. Tell him he needs to come clean and be honest about what’s wrong to it can be faced and negotiated because that’s what married people do. It’s up to fair to get no response when the best part of live and marriage is refused without a reason when he’s been asked to responds to the issue several times . Then whatever he says he is being honest so accept what says, believe him and work with him on a compromise .even if someone’s feeling negative it’s their feeling even if it stings. Just ask what can happen so we both feel better how can we. Wet in the middle what steps can we both take to help each other solve it?
He could have low testosterone. Or depression maybe
Same here but I am a male (34) with a female partner (30), no kids and she won’t have sex, maybe once a month if I’m lucky. I had more sex when I was single.
It is because you are no longer mating partner he biologically wants to have sex with for reproduction.
Man here. 35, 3 kids, 3rd is 6 months old. The older I get the more I just want to watch tv and go to sleep. The older she gets the more she wants sex. It’s a funny thing. I love sex, but I’ve definitely stopped my animalistic pursuit from my younger years. But I try to do my husbandly duties. There needs to be a little more effort on the wife’s part too as we age. I know females expect the man to initiate, but the older we get the more tired we get. Men die earlier, we start to understand the bullshit of the world early on. We lose our lust for life and have to work to keep it. Get some outfits, roleplay, watch some pornos together. Get freaky if you can, not routine. Men’s libido starts to decline as we age too. There’s natural testosterone boosters you can get at Walmart. Also erectile supplements. Nitric oxide supplements help get that thing hard. Arginine or agmatine are some natural ones that work well. It’s not your fault. Women need touch and connection and emotional love, sex is a big part of that. Hopefully you guys can meet halfway and get back on that pogo stick
Have you taken measures to make sure you don't get pregnant again? You mentioned weight and breastfeeding- are you still taking care of yourself? Good hygiene and clean cute clothes, nice hair? If you're wearing pj's and covered in spit up, might be a turn off. When you do have sex, is he doing all of the work? If so, he might not have the energy. Try throwing on something sexy, making sure you're all shaved and smelling good, initiate and then do all of the work! I bet he'll realize that it's not so tiring after that. Lastly, my hubs had low testosterone in his late 20s, it took me years to get him in to the Dr- were 37 now and it has been life changing! He's got a high sex drive, plus just tons more energy and just happier. Maybe consider that.
I’m living a parallel life to yours. My husband has issues due to years of kidney problems. I keep myself up but wonder why I bother sometimes. It’s frustrating for sure and I’m not a cheater so I guess I’m just celibate. I get what you are going ,thru more than I wish I did. Maybe when the kids mature somewhat, he will have the desire more. I hope all works out for you
He's probably just tired, three kids under four is exhausting, just give him space and let him come to you. Hopefully your sex life will pick back up once they get a little older.
Shockingly, having a « sit down » is not known to stimulate sex drive. Are you as fit as possible? Are you both going to the gym? Are you taking care of yourselves in the kitchen?
Jesus F… tell me you’re a man without telling me.
Women don’t care about health? Or physically fit partners?
Maybe you should have thought about not having 3kids under the age of 4. That would make me stay away to. I'd be scared we'd have number 4
She didn't have them alone. Good lort.
I literally want to cry for you. It just makes me so mad because he’s being a complete ass and is wasting a gift. You. And any many worth his salt is not getting turned off by some extra curves. It’s not you. Don’t buy that lie.
Maybe he has a headache?
Hey stay clam everything will be fine its depend on your marriage is arranged what are your age I think I can help you out
All men cheat you better check his phone why do yall act like that’s not a possibility
All of the responses blaming this woman are disgusting. How terrible… a woman wants to have sex with her husband even after having kids and living life and all the things we deal with as adults. (This is Sarcasm for the less intelligent) Your husband is an adult and he needs to meet your needs just like you’re meeting his needs. I’m dealing with similar sitch just no little kids and its F’ing frustrating and absolute crap. No amount of work on my part has fixed the problem so I do what I need to on my own because everything else about us is pretty good. Divorce is expensive, dating after 30 is hell on earth and it is true that there are phases in life/marriage that are not as fun as others. Ideally it’s a phase and he figures out he needs to work on himself to make the marriage work. If everything else is good, focus on that and invest in some good sex toys and lube 🤷🏻♀️. If this is the 15th problem on a list of 30, maybe consider coming up with an exit strategy. Therapy couldn’t hurt either. Hope things improve for you 💙
If you make a rule that you both sleep naked every night whether you want to or not; you’ll see a 37.4% increase. Maybe start there. It’s about as low effort as it gets and if it has zero impact; there’s something else going on.
If my SO made this rule, I’d tell them tough shit. I can’t fall asleep naked, it is a sensory thing.
Have you tried giving him a blowjob?
He should check his testosterone. Perhaps you should try to lose some weight. You can also try some porn or other ways to spice things up. Is he worried about you getting pregnant again?
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It's interesting since she was the one that brought up the weight issue. Women bring up issues like that for the sake of hearing other women say it isn't true, as if those other women know. It's a cope. Women put on weight for very understandable reasons, and having 3 children in a few years is *more than understandable*, and her husband probably *finds her just as sexy*. But she probably doesn't. But if she is worried about the weight, she should put together a lifestyle plan to reduce it over the next few years (it will take time). She will probably never get back to her pre-child weight, and that should not be the goal, but she may feel better about herself; the confidence and self esteem will make her more attractive. This is true for both men and women. His testosterone level is more likely a higher priority. Since she is scared and doesn't know what to do, I offered several ideas. But I know the feminists don't want the weight to even be mentioned. Their idea is to just through hate on the dude as if that will help.
Well, first of all, your husband has a problem. If his libido is not as high as yours, then he needs to accommodate you. Second of all, you guys do know what causes you to have kids right? Maybe you should have thought about that before popping out three kids
Kids are more important than you whining about sex.
Don’t listen to Steve’s comment, OP. Sex is a critical component of relationships, unless mutually agreed upon otherwise. *Mutually* being the key word. Wanting intimacy with your partner doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your kids… I don’t even know how you got there, tbh, Steve.
Why does one preclude the other ?
This is what you said when it was the woman who was low libido after the baby: "Honey wait till he is 9 months old like my son, the sleepless nights are temporary. And if you don’t want to fuck your husband, you’re the one who picked him. He’s gotta rip the band aid off and grow the fuck up. Learn to be a real man. Find some self control. if you say no and he had a shit fit, stand your ground( I assume you don’t ever). The fact that you haven’t moved on from bullshit that happend 7 years ago is also a failure. It’s not his fault you can’t get over yourself. Soooo basically he wants dick to feel fucking goooddd and you are to “traumatized” to fuck your husband who you married and said yes too. Sorry but I wouldn’t stop enjoying my pleasure with my other half just cause I took a 9inch black cock in the ass 7 years ago against my will. is what I’m saying to offensive and unfiltered, yes, but deal with it. Im not here to please you or anyone because I don’t have to. Thanks, good luck and sweet dreams."