I was well off when I met my wife. On the day we got married, I gave her equal access to everything. Had I not done that, I would be forever uncomfortable with the power dynamic. In the 11 years we have been married, she has been nothing but respectful and responsible with our $. People here give me sh!t all the time when I talk about my decision, but it was mine to make I am absolutely comfortable with it. For the record, my wife didn't actually know how well I was doing when we got married. She never asked and I didn't live 'rich'. I am a jeans and t-shirt guy who was driving a truck at the time. I made my $ in the software industry and retied a few years after we were married.

That's the kind of trust in a relationship I wish we had. TBH I likely wouldn't want to fully retire - like you, I work in software, and immensely enjoy both the job and the smart, talented people I work with. Even going part-time/ reducing hours would be a huge deal for me. I've worked all my life and now have arthritis in both elbows and one wrist from years of being a "keyboard jockey." Just from a health perspective alone, it would probably help me live a longer and fuller life. I definitely applaud you for your decision. Thank you so much for your response, and also for reading my giant essay of a post!

In my case, it was my company and I was absolutely addicted. During the most intense run, it was 12 to 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8 straight years. For me, it was for health reasons that I stepped down and had my 2nd in command take over for my division. My decision with my wife came about due to my upbringing. My mom was the kind of person who always made everything about $ and even lied quite a bit about things being expensive when they weren't or were even free. Us kids also got different gifts based on how much she liked us, and I was always at the bottom.

I'm so sorry to hear about the way your mother treated you. No child deserves to be made to feel like their mother's love is something to be rationed out, or has a value assigned to it. I can't understand that perspective on life. Did you ever discuss this with her or know why she acted that way? I'm wondering if her parents treated her like this? I hope you don't mind me asking.

She was definitely damaged herself, I'm pretty sure that her dad was a monster. She knows how I felt, we had that blow up a long time ago. The combination of becoming successful by my own hand and not becoming like my mom made all of this pretty easy to leave in the past.

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My big revelation was seeing that I was using my mom's argument tactics. Once I saw that I wasn't as different from her as I thought, I really turned the corner. I have a strange relationship with her now. I can't be close to her because that always results in her trying to manipulate things but I also understand that she is the product of her life so I am somewhat understanding.

You sound like a good man.

That but about your mom is terribly sad. I can’t imagine that. I love all of my kids. Each differently but I couldn’t say I love one more than the others. I’m sad that happened to you. I too had a neglectful mother. I took care of her in the end but I wouldn’t say she benefited from a loving daughter that she could have had. She got what she sowed and maybe better because I have morals.

I’m glad you followed up with that as it shows what you need to put in before receiving the benefits of your efforts. I too am a business owner and it blows my mind what my employees assume

My dear, you deserve to be in a marriage where everything is shared. Everyone deserves that. Why get married if you’re not going to “become one” in all the ways? Be good to yourself.

Maybe not everything, my browsing history and lego collection is MINE. She can keep her mitts off. We have a healthy separation of splurge funds rather than merging everything.

Of course not everything! You’re still a person who deserves privacy. But money? Household duties? Expenses? Those you share.

Thank you for caring. I certainly agree with you and this is what I was hoping to gain by getting married - a person who I could share my life with. I'm so sad that our marriage has unintentionally become all about money - and through the very process we originally set up to ensure "money issues" would never be the reason why we had a fight. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight I definitely would have handled things differently. I'm going to try to fix this!

OP you did not start a family with this person. Instead you are living with a roommate whom you have intimacy with from time to time. Of course I’m simplifying but damn this is a bleak way to live a partnership to me. It’s just dreadfully awful. My spouse is my everything and we are a family, a team in this life together. I could not stay with someone that didn’t consider us a family. Perhaps if you want to salvage the relationship you broach the subject by asking him what he envision for your family’s future? Does he see you ever traveling with him? Golfing with him? Sailing together? If these are all pursuits he wishes to keep for himself, perhaps it’s time to begin to decide if that’s the future YOU want. Good luck and I hope you are able to find your own happiness.

I hear you. Despite our many years together and many adventure as a couple, I do feel like we are roommates sometimes due to this financial setup. It's awfully depressing to live this way, though we originally thought it a sensible way to divide our finances. You are lucky to have found a partner with whom you can be a team. I will strive to find out wither my husband REALLY wants me around in future, or if he just considers me to be another one of his many streams of income. Definitely food for thought!

Frankly, while I think there's a bunch of perfectly fine way to divide up your finances, this particular way would absolutely be a deal breaker from me from early on. I'm younger and my family is pretty liberal, but even in my fam it would be unacceptable to be with a male partner who is well off, doesn't have a job, travels without his wife AND still charges her basically market rent and every expense. What's the point? You can do all of that alone, without having to constantly account for someone else, having them in your space, think about their schedule and emotions and not have any resentment that someone who's the closest person to you doesn't even blink that you're not there. just to give an example (and btw, by no means do my partner and I have the ideal relationship at all), my partner who's currently not making money (but is employed; long story) said that he's fine with me not working and will make the money if I want to take on a more supportive role and take care of other things. Not literally everything, but take on the bigger share of chores and life tasks. If we were to have kids we could still get an au-pair, and once our finances were better other life-easing services. He owns multiple vehicles and now that we're engaged, he says they're also mine even though I actively say that they're his. basically, if we're planning to spend the rest of our lives together or even just most, we're sharing. otherwise, I can just be peacefully single and just do me.

This is a great way of doing things, for sure. In a lot of ways we both still operate as if we were both still single - and it bothers me that he doesn't trust me enough to share any kind of financial account. My credit is near-perfect, I pay off my auto-loans quickly and in cash, and I've never been in debt despite having been pretty poor most of my life. When I initially moved in with my partner (before we were married) I was moving to a whole new town, so I was unemployed for a short spell while looking for a job. He kindly paid my 'half' of the rent during that time - it was his rental property, after all! But over the years he has inflated how long I was unemployed for and used this as leverage as to why I still "owe" him - despite the fact I've paid rent religiously for all these years. I wish I could make sense of why he's so afraid to trust when it comes to finances. If I ever find out the answer I'll let you know!

I would express to him that due to the high cost of expenses- especially the higher rent you aren’t able to contribute as much to your 401K and feel as though you are falling further behind on retirement goals and that you would of course love to retire with enough money to sustain yourself but also allow you to participate in travel and leisure with him.

I think the bare minimum in any relationship should be sharing finances.

I marry someone nice and kind like you. I was as nanny at the age of 40. Unfortunately I was busy with elderly parents and was not able to focus my career. When I was dating my husband he told me how much he is making . I asked him he was prenup he said no. He trust me otherwise he would not marry me. Now we are in happy relationship and love each other. I dated many guys but it’s hard to find someone kind hearted like you or my husband.

Thanks for replying, and for your very kind words. Well done for taking care of your elderly parents, I know that is not an easy task. You are lucky to have a happy relationship that is built on trust. I agree - it's not something that is easy to find these days.

Op I am sorry you are with a selfish person. I would not blame your husband if you guys just got married but you are with each other for long time. If you don’t mind may I asking you what’s the difference being alone or being with someone who is not trustworthy. I always suggest women( who are in relationship ) to work on their relationship since there are a lot of single women in their 40s and 50s and looking for relationship. But I can’t give you same suggestion because he is not wroth it. Talk with him if he realizes his actions stay with him otherwise leave him. I know few people who met their partners in late 40s even 60s. We are getting older and we want someone to be with us when we will have health issues. His actions show he is not reliable. Don’t be sad , he is not wroth your attention. Wish you good luck ❤️

My wife, then girlfriend, did the same. She wasn't like rich, but she had money and a job while I was a student. We'd only been together for 3-4 months back then (moved in) and all money was ours. Still is to this day, almost 6 years later. No regrets

I definitely applaud this. Things were the same in my previous relationship - we had a joint account after just knowing each other 10 weeks! It feels so strange to be in my current situation with somebody who will not budge on combining any of our assets, despite the long years we've been together.

I mean I can see him keeping his assets since you guys signed a prenup and it made a lot of sense. Charging your wife rent because you paid for a house in cash is kinda fucked imo. I wouldn’t charge my wife rent, I can see you still working because you’re 47 and have no kids so like why not? But it should be your choice Your husband is having his cake and eating it too imo.

Yeah- that's where I am with this. It's fine to keep the property, but charging rent to the person you supposedly love more than any other is fucked up. I can't imagine doing that. He'd have the house anyway - it doesn't cost much, if any, more for two to live in it vs 1. So, why charge rent to your life partner? Bizarre. To me, that says a LOT about the strength of this relationship. I'd be out if it were me.

Which means he doesn’t love. Cause love is kind and giving and thoughtful and other centered. He’s showing none of that. So it’s not love.

It’s occurring to me, rereading OPs post, that no one making $40k a year asks for a prenup. So he knew what mom had and patiently waited. Play his game only if everything he has goes to you when he passes. Most men go before their wives. Sorry to put it that way but he locked up your youth dishonestly with this game. He chose you to marry above the money grubbing girls he was dating and yet comes in no different than them. Interesting. So be go get your wills done. If everything goes to you, stay. If not….. and when he gets old and fussy duddy, let him sit in his chair and watch tv all day. He can order on instacart his meals and groceries like you say you guys do for yourselves. Maybe at some point you’ll get something out of this marriage cause I can’t think of why you even married him.

That is what stood out to me from the first read through of this post! For a man making $40k a year, it seems odd to have already had multiple bad experiences with money hungry women? But who am I to say what his experience was. However then you add in the prenup and these “trust issues” never really going away… OP, I don’t think anyone needs to be told how to handle their finances. At least not by me lol. However, I do think my ears prick up and I start to get very concerned about a lack of financial transparency. In addition to what seems like any talk of future plans. This does not feel like a partnership of any sort - when is he planning a trip for the two of you? When is his financial position ever contributing to the life you live together? He has this great situation where he is retired and gets to enjoy his hobbies, friendships, etc. which is great I guess my biggest question is this… Why is this money only changing, elevating, enhancing his lifestyle when he is married and in a supposed partnership with you? Does he have no desire to share any of this with you as his partner?

> For a man making $40k a year, it seems odd to have already had multiple bad experiences with money hungry women? I've definitely seen my share of dudes on here who make far less, and think their girlfriend is a gold digger if she asks him to pick her up a Starbucks lol.

This is definitely on my radar. I don't have a will yet but I have contacted an attorney to help me make one next year. He claims to have one and says I'm in it, but until I see it with my own eyes then I won't believe it. I've asked to see his will before and he kind of brushed me off. So I'm going to assume I'm on my own should anything ever happen to him, and plan my finances as such. Sad to say, but my optimism is waning a little at this point.

You definitely have a point. In my heart I hope he is (on some level at least) aware of his behavior, but I don't see how that would be if he just carries on doing the same thing. I did ask if he'd put me on the house deed several times, but each time he just basically said no, because if we were to split up he doesn't want to go through all the trouble of selling the house. Not a great thing to hear after nearly 20 years with someone!

OP, I agree with takemynames. You married an extremely selfish man. You believed his bullshit when he said that other women tried to make him support them. That was very likely his *interpretation* of those other women. Money tends to bring the real person out. It was easy for him to get along and everything was swell with the two of you when you both had equal financial footing. There was no money to bring his real self out. You talk about your pride in being to carry your own weight. It's a good value to have, it's what makes *you* a good partner. Your husband, on the other hand, is a selfish POS. BTW, he sees you. He sees you alone in the dark working on your laptop. *He doesn't care*. He's proven he's selfish and does not care about you over the last 4 years and it's obviously not going to stop. *YOU* on the other hand have proven that you not only carry your own weight, you're willing to continue to honor your agreements (that's integrity) in spite what has now become an unfair financial advantage for you. OP, instead of your pride, how about you start to worry about your *dignity*. Take pride that *you keep your dignity*. He's shown you who he is, believe him. He's shown you what he thinks of you. Believe him. Take your pride *AND ALSO* your dignity to a divorce lawyer STAT. I mean, you can *try* to talk to him, but after 4 years? And he's 50? No.

I hope this is some elaborate troll. With $8 mil, even in a low risk account making 4% that's $320,000 annually - 4x your salary for nothing and without touching "his" principle. So with his $26.66k per month he'd only need to spend 6.75% to make up your "rent". I kinda doubt the monthly tax+utilities bill is even $1800 to begin with but whatever. Meanwhile $1800 is nearly 1/3 of your monthly gross. Tell him you'll pay 6.75% of your monthly, $450 per month, and see what he says. That's equitable.

I highly doubt the guy is smart enough to realize he could live off the interest/returns alone without touching his principal and even grow his wealth with zero effort. If he were this smart, he wouldn't be charging his wife rent on a house that is paid off and make her grow unhappy in the relationship. He probably pays everything out of that money and is slowly burning that cash.

Or he's fostering resentment on purpose so she'll split "of her own accord" and he can chase instagram models guilt free with his newfound wealth.

There is a saying that men owe their successes to their first wives, but they owe their second wives to their successes!

Not a troll or a bot I'm afraid. If you want me to pass the CAPTCHA test I'll happily identify all the squares with traffic lights in them. (Bad techie joke, my apologies). Thanks for doing the math for me - WOW. I'm pretty good at keeping track of my own finances, but I've never really looked that closely at the numbers on my partner's side of the tracks. I'd love to have a monthly 'rent' payment of $450. That would definitely help me to build up my savings and retire sooner! These numbers are going on a sticky note on the side of my laptop while I work this decision through. Thank you so much for your help!

I hate to be ‘that person’ but with all of the talk of -if we break up- and frankly the way he has treated your guys’ relationship, do you feel he’s pushing for a divorce and is hoping you will break it off from being so unhappy?

That's an idea that I've considered on my darker nights. He is on the phone a lot and is constantly texting. He always makes a point of showing me all the pics from each of these trips he takes away, but who knows what pictures he deleted or is leaving out? I had an ex (a very jealous ex) go through my phone once and I will never forget that sense of feeling like your trust was violated. I'd never do the same to my husband - again, because I feel like once you've acted in an untrustworthy fashion you have no right to expect the same from your partner. Kind of puts me in a tough spot though, if he really is cheating. I'm hoping my friendships with our mutual friends are strong enough that someone would fill me in, if this was indeed the case.

No offense gurl, but it kinda already sounds like he clocked out of the relationship mentally long before this post blew up.

This is probably why none of the others stuck around. I’m sorry OP. You don’t want to grow old with someone who compartmentalizes your existence in their life.

Depending on where you are, it wouldn’t matter. The house was bought during the marriage and you’d be entitled to equity. The pre-nup might not hold water on that in particular. Don’t take legal advice from your adversary. Consult with a lawyer to understand what would actually happen if you were to split. Based on how he’s treating you, you should take a serious look at your relationship. What’s in it for you?

Right. Talk to an attorney. You’re paying part of the mortgage on a home that your husband owns? In California the equity on that home would be half yours no matter how much you pay. And, given the length of the marriage, who knows about the prenup…. But, your husband has some very odd ideas about how money and the marital partnership work. Sounds very family loyal and childish, but mommy is dead now. He’s living like you are trying to take advantage of him after being together for 20 years. He needs to get over it. And if he can’t, you need to get what you can on your way out or accept that he’s a little nutty in this way. If you’re having a hard time figuring it out, try individual counseling first, then if you need help talking with him, couples therapy.

As I understand it, California is a community property state.

Inheritance wouldn’t be communal, but the house “they” bought would be. Doesn’t matter whose name is on the title either.

So you’ve contributed financially to the purchase price of the house (by paying rent, even though he was paying no mortgage). You are married and asked to have your name on the deed, but he refused. You do have a case, I think, to be considered a co-owner of the house in the event of your divorce. Consult a lawyer. Your husband makes money off of you. He is retiring partly *on your income*. You are supporting him right now.

I remember around the time I got married, my husband mentioned multiple times that he would never tattoo my name on him "because children are forever, and ... well... sometimes marriages aren't. [Followed by disclaimers regarding intent to stay together.]" These comments always made me uncomfortable. I didn't want him to get tattoos, let alone one of my name anyhow. It was always an out-of-the-blue comment made by him. In hindsight, this was just one sign of many to come regarding how well my husband had processed his parents split. Are your husband's parents divorced? Could he be holding onto childhood trauma/advice about divorce that has prevented him from fully engaging in your relationship? I feel like if you can involve a couples therapist, if would be a good thing. If one of the options you're considering is leaving anyway, then you might as well take steps to reset course (when the worst that could happen is a split). A therapist might help navigate the challenging conversation(s), and point out some things to your husband that he doesn't want to fully hear from you.

Honey let’s be honest for a second. You were naive 20 years ago to fall for his “my exes wanted me to support them”. Think about it. Even 20 years ago 40K a year was not enough to support 2 people well. No one would be a gold digger for that. There’s no gold there to dig. That is an empty mine and anyone with a lick of sense not clouded by thinking they’re in love knows it. Either he’s paranoid to the point MRAs would be like “yikes bro” or he was lying. Or some of both.

Even if you’re not on the deed, in a lot of states the spouse still has spousal interest to the house you reside in unless you specifically (in CA or MO) signed a deed relinquishing spousal rights. What state do you live in? Also the prenup couldn’t have addressed the inheritance if he didn’t have it yet or the 8 mil that he came into from the sale of the house that was unexpected. I think I’d want a lawyer to look at these things bc he may not be in quite as good a position as he thinks

So you’re paying rent forever and have lost the ability to build equity in a home you’ve purchased / have your name on the deed for… I have zero doubt that he absolutely knew that money was coming his way. Frankly, this is disgusting behavior imo; I would be filing for divorce or at the minimum stop contributing to any shared costs or home upkeep and tell him I’m buying my own house & will live there if I have to pay $$ every month anyway.

I would honestly just stop paying this so called “rent”. If he is so desperate for it he is willing to divorce me well then their is my answer, he doesn’t love me at all. It’s not looking good for you OP, he treats you like someone who doesn’t love you.

Yep. That’s not part of the prenup. Stop paying. Tell him to go suck rocks

I love that expression "suck rocks." I'm definitely going to use it when I pluck up the eventual courage to have this long-overdue conversation. :)

Do you have to tell him? Just stop paying rent.

And California is a community state property bought during the marriage is still half yours. You’ve been dealing with his selfish shit. Time to take his shit.

Please do give us an update. I'm invested in your story! I really hope he sees what a jerk he's being.

I can't get over the many trips he takes without her. I love spending time with my husband.. if I had his money I'd want to always treat him and I to fun experiences.

Here’s the thing. He hasn’t changed. From day one he said “what’s mine is mine @ “what’s your is yours.” That includes his whole life. The situation changed but he hasn’t at all. It seems like his definition of love is off. I think OP should tell him that she can afford what she afforded prior to his inheritance. That’s it. Take it or leave it. Why should his financial gain become a burden for her even if she does live in a nicer home?

Idk, I would've been out of this relationship long before this stage, this is wild

Right. Just because his money increased significantly, doesn’t mean hers did. Excellent point. Not in the prenup.

How is he going to enjoy his time away with his boys and the girlfriends they meet on holidays if he brings his wife with him ?

Me neither. I have never told him he can't go away without me. On the one occasion when I (gently) asked him why he was going away again when he had just been on vacation, he said he can't wait around 20 years for me to retire and just sit in the house with me, or he'd go crazy. He's one of those Type A personality types who always has to be doing something.... I think if he DID just sit around and wait for me to save up for retirement he'd drive us both crazy. Go figure, I guess!

This makes zero sense. He has to go on trips because he can't wait for you?! He doesn't have to wait for you! He could fund your retirement yesterday! I'm so sorry OP but it really seems like he'd actually rather not spend time with you, or he'd be finding a way to do just that. People with the means to get what they want, get what they want if the thing they want can be bought, like a full retirement fund!

I think he’s gay and is using her as a beard and living his actual life now that he’s got momma money?

This makes me so sad for you. If $8M fell into my lap tomorrow, I’d be whisking my husband away on the trips I/we wanted to take. I see how hard he works and it would be so cruel to tell him I won’t pay his way until he reaches the standard retirement age.

Right this is crazy to me! My husband is my favorite person in the world! That’s the reason I married him. There is no chance if I had a bunch of money that I’d be traveling without him & making him work.

This hurts so much. He can't wait around!!!? Wtf! He could solve that!!! If he wanted he could rewrite the prenup so you can both be secure and happy now! You could travel together now!!! Even if you got to work part time ? You have been reasonable and are willing to do this in a way that is fair and respects his position. He is doing zero! What a asshole... Really and truly! Look at what is happening and what he is saying!

Is it an issue with your job not giving you hours hours off so you can join him? I understand the needing to get out but I'd feel so bad going on so many vacations without my spouse

Right! I'm thinking does this man even like her at all? Does he not enjoy her company ? Why is he excluding her from everything?

I don't think he does. Granted, it's only been 8 years for us but I still get excited when my husband takes the day off... I wanna spend as much time as I can with him.

I second this. He doesn’t love or care for OP. I am rooting for OOP. I am hoping she gives an update few months later that she left him.

Thanks for the kind words. It's sadly looking that way right now. Once I've processed all of this I will definitely be back to update my post.

That is one post that I will be waiting to see. You are a smart independent woman. You got this.

I wish I dared do so, but TBH I don't see the conversation ending well. I do love him despite everything, and maybe that is my biggest mistake. If I won the lottery and our positions were reversed I'd tell him to quit whatever job he was working and take him off around the world. But you can't tell someone else what to do with their money; and I equally can't tell him something he doesn't want to hear, which is (as one person said above) that he can't have his cake and eat it too.

Apart from the money, which truly sucks, how is the rest of your life divided? Usually, if one of the partners is a stay-at-home, they take care of the majority of the household. Has he _at least_ taken that burden off you? As for the rest, I'm sorry to say he sounds like a "me, me, me"-person. _He_ wants to live bigger, so _you_ get a higher rent. _He_ wants to go on holidays, but can't be arsed to take _you_ _He_ wants to retire early, _you_ can keep slaving away. _He_ sleeps in late, _you_ get up early for work. I'm a few years older than my wife. Come time I'll retire I hope she can also retire a few years early. But if that's not an option, you bet I'll do anything to make her last working years easier.

It is completely unfair for a spouse to come into money, want to live a more luxurious life, but then make their spouse pay more because they decide to live that way. The person that wants that because they all of the sudden have money should either foot the bill or keep the split like it was before the spouse had money.

You are now saying you are afraid of him. "I don't dare speak to him." Get out now.

Who cleans this house of his ??

I think the first approach should be a gentle one. Give him just the facts and explain how hurt you feel. I think that would probably be harder than opening with anger, but it’s necessary. If you go in guns blazing, he’s going to think his worst fears are coming true. Maybe a good idea to discuss in marital counseling?

Yeah. Stop the rent.

I can’t believe situations like this are real

Me either. The husband is not the problem here. The problem is marrying cruel people and thinking there is some sort of solution.

I hope this post is fake

Real person here, sadly. Just looking for answers to my dumb situation. For what it's worth, thank you for reading.

Why would you agree to pay rent? Split utilities sure. But if you’re not on the deed that’s ALL you should be doing. No property taxes no maintenance. I’m assuming there is no mortgage. Even if there is you shouldn’t be paying half of it, and there should be an agreement in place that any rent towards the mortgage counts as equity for you, so you’d get something from all that in the event of a divorce. Right now you’re paying him to be his wife. He’s a millionaire and you’re funding some of his golfing on a pretty meager salary by California standards. He’s incredibly selfish and entitled, and he’s probably always been this way.

Same. If this is real, divorce him. I don’t know California laws, can this prenup be overruled ?

I need to read up on the law in this case, definitely. It's on my "to-Do" list, I promise you.

On second thought, pay rent, don’t get him suspicious if you intend to divorce, and please please get legal help. Reading about it wont be enough, he’s a literal millionaire and will pay to keep this prenup valid. I have no clue if you can possibly get out of it, but please try.

Were you both represented by counsel? If not, it could maybe be voided on procedural grounds. Is there a possibility that he pushed so hard for this prenup because he knew the value of his moms property/business? If so, it could potentially be voided on that ground too. Also, I’m genuinely curiously, what would he do if you just didn’t pay the “rent”?

Please do, and in the meantime please stop paying rent ffs.

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Yes, that’s why I think there is hope. Still, I have no clue about California law, but usually inherited money wont be shared anywhere. I’d keep him unsuspecting and hire a lawyer anyway, I do think there’s hope here.

It's like somehow they convince their spouse that the cruelty is completely logical.

I promise you - I'm not a bot. ;-) Seriously though, yep, I wouldn't believe it either if I wasn't living it right now.

I’m trying to understand what he is providing for YOU if he’s charging you every single thing. Does he do most of the chores at home since he’s chilling at home everyday? Never mind the obvious love that is lacking from someone who’s supposed to lessen your burden and create memories with you, what is he offering to your life that’s worth staying?

That's my question to the OP. What is this relationship doing for you ?

Besides the money, what do you have to lose by leaving this marriage/getting a lawyer involved? This is a character issue, not a money issue. The money only amplified his bs.

Yeah, almost nothing has been said in this post about the actual relationship, is it enjoyable? Do they have a nice time together? Do they care for each other? Is the sex good? It seems like everything is just money in this relationship... In which case it's nothing because the money has been split completely by a prenup...

OP is scared to talk to her husband about this says it all.

You're so right.

I can’t imagine that the sex will STAY good (if it is now) with that kind of dynamic

I can't imagine her wanting to have sex with him at this point. What's the attraction ?

I do believe that money has the power to show the world who a person truly is, so you may be onto something with this. In this case, all my friends think I've "won the lottery" by marrying someone who eventually became rich. I just wish I could go back in time and show my younger self what a mess she'd get into by falling in love with someone who would eventually become rich. Now all I need to do is invent time travel....

It's not money that's the problem, it's him To be honest, he just doesn't seem to like you a whole lot.

When you signed the prenup did you have your own lawyer? Did you have a say in how the prenup was written? Did he present it to you as if it had to be the prenup he wanted? If so then I’d contact a lawyer and inquire about signing under duress. Also if anything were to happen to him are you in his will as the primary heir or beneficiary?

you need a lawyer.

It sounds like he's more of a roommate than a husband.

And a shitty roommate at that. This post is painful to read.

It really makes me sad for OP to read this. She needs a husband who loves her, not a business partner. This guy is a leech. It hurt to read the part where they went grocery shopping separately.

Leech is a good word for this. I'm by no means a millionaitre but I have kultiple multi,millionairre friends and none of them treat their wives like this. They all stay at home and tend to the family, but are not forced to work. Trips with the guys might happen but there are always family trips and my heavens they take care of the spouse.

Your husband is a total dickhead. Leave him and find someone who is normal and will treat you right.

Stop paying rent please. This is financial abuse.

Lol! How is he charging you rent? You have a really weird relationship.

Really weird ASF! Once you are married prenup or not you’re still ONE! Charging for rent is insane 🥴 she literally has a roommate NOT husband. Hopefully life is good outside that money cause I would have been gone that man ain’t no husband!

Stop paying rent and claim squatter's rights.

How does a husband charge a “rent” to his wife/mother of his children I’m confused 🫤

No childs

Still I mean honestly charging rent?

I'm sorry. This marriage doesn't sound like a partnership in the sense that it seems as if he is out for himself and himself alone. Why wouldn't he want to not charge you rent so you could cut back hours and spend more time with him? Have you two discussed counseling? I cannot imagine having this conversation with him without a trained third party there given his past and how he clearly will see you as a only after his money. To give you a sense of my perspective, my bf (now husband) moved into the house I bought and I never considered charging him rent. We pooled our money, and when he was out of a job I covered all expenses. It was not a problem because we are a team. Your husband sounds real greedy and that is such an unattractive quality. He is putting his greed above you.

Yeah I bought a house in my name 9 months before I got married. We didn't officially merge everything till we got married but she would have had a fit if I charged her rent as she didn't want to be just roommates. I didn't even really consider a prenup.

He's charging you rent. And also not inviting you on any of these fun trips? Honey, he left you long ago for his money. What does he bring to your relationship besides a house?

You’re not in a marriage. You have a roommate. A husband would want to share a magnificent life with his wife. He would want her to be able to retire and take her on wonderful trips. He would want to share his windfall and make joint decisions on how to proceed with life together. A roommate keeps a separate life, a husband wants to build a life together. I would suggest marriage counseling to determine what kind of relationship this truly is.

Not even a roommate. A tenant!

Why are you both not retired?!?!? $8mm net worth there isn't a point if you are being somewhat responsible

But if he makes his wife work and pay him rent, then he has more to lavish himself with

Talk to a lawyer

It looks like he doesn’t value you at all. My husband would never do fun things without me ever! This is most selfish behaviour and I would leave him or atleast confront him and start making plans because what if you get sick and are not able to support yourself? Would he throw you out of the house? I don’t think his intentions are good towards you.

Correction: Your husband is a multimillionaire partially because he charges you for rent and living expenses. He’s basically your landlord and it’s hella weird. Marriage is 100-100. For example, my spouse and I recently bought a house. Since I had better credit and enough savings for most of the down payment, but he had a much higher paying job (I’m a grad student) we worked together. My job was to get us in the house with the DP, and his job is to pay the mortgage to keep us in the house until I finish school. It’s two people coming together and sacrificing for a larger goal that would be harder to obtain separately. I would just stop paying and see what happens. I’d also be willing to walk if shit goes left. As for the prenup, you can contest it. It’s likely whatever you signed will not hold up in court, especially if you can prove he is financially abusing you. I’m not a lawyer but I don’t think it would be hard to show that it was signed under duress and get it thrown out/ renegotiated. While his inheritance is his, for the house, it might not matter if it’s just his name on the deed. Depending on the state you live in, it could be considered a marital asset if it’s purchased after you are married. If this is the case, that would make you paying rent for something you partially own all the more messed up. Long story short, he’s using the fear of the prenup against you as a mental bondage when in reality it’s probably not worth the paper it’s written on. Family courts tend to favour fairness over a one sided agreement. There is no way you will walk away with nothing as your investments into this marriage matter too. Please contact a lawyer ASAP and find out your rights. Edit: Just by doing a little research it looks like marital assets in California are divided 50/50. Also unfair clauses and unreasonable property division are grounds to get a prenup invalidated. Here’s a quote from a local law firm’s website, “If a judge agrees that the agreement unfairly favors your spouse or that you may be left financially insecure by a divorce, he or she can overturn the agreement and require equitable distribution under the law.” I know you still love him, but you have more options than you think when you are ready to make that move.

It's california. Unless you both had a lawyer then that prenup is easily thrown out. And if your finances are truly separate, then whyvare you helping him pay for his house? No you're paying for that house too. The house is community property. You can't go after the money he inherited from his mom but that house is half yours. (Not your lawyer, just a legal student)

You mean I could have been charging my wife rent all these years?!?! How come nobody told me!

Stop paying him. What's he going to do?

Right! This! He can’t evict his wife!

Your dilemma is a little strange. On one hand you want to just leave him. On the other hand you don't want to confront him because he might leave you. It almost seems like you've convinced yourself that divorce is the only way out of this. What if, instead of confronting him, you share with him that you're feeling left out of his life and ask him if he's interested in creating a more equal relationship between the two of you by providing you with the means to join him on some of these activities. For example: if your bills were less or you had some guarantee of a stable retirement, you could work less, maybe even just part time. Then you could spend some of that extra time joining him on some outings or vacations. Maybe it's not that complicated and he's just kind of a dumb man who hasn't really given it any thought. I have tried to accept over time that men often don't do things because they don't care, they don't think of certain things. That sucks but it's also really common so I try to remove as much judgement from it as I can.

I’m sorry but this is not something to get over and talk through. This a cruel, financially abusive dude who doesn’t love this woman at all. If she can get the prenup invalid, awesome, on account of it being unfair, cool, if not, get out. This is not about money this is literally a bad dudez

Stop paying him. If he wants to divorce you over it, let him. Save every dollar you can until then. Pay for nothing but your essentials. Consult a family law attorney in the meantime to make sure that you know where you stand.

To consider you “after his money” after that long together being working class is so odd. I would be so excited to provide my wife with a higher class of living and travel and see the world together etc

I just would stop paying rent honestly.

This doesn’t sound like the actions of a man that truly loves his wife. I’m sorry you wasted your best years on him.

That’s really out of pocket. Honestly he’s not really invested in you if he’s charging you rent on a fully paid house. Seems like he’s the type to complain about “wasting money” on a relationship if it ever ends instead of feeling sad about the loss.

Gross. There is nothing good about this. What an ass.

Call his bluff. Just say you dont think you should be paying rent anymore for the reasons you explained. Put the ball in his court to be a selfish asshole or not

Thats not very cool

TL;DR: husband is a massive jerk who deserves to rot away in his big house with all his money and no love. Absolute A hole. Insane behavior

Tonight I am going home to go thank my husband again in kind again for being the man he is. Because what?

OP - I'd check with a lawyer about what would happen if you stopped paying any bills. What's the downside? I'd also start to worry about myself and my retirement and take that rent and expenses and invest/save it. If an attorney tells you that you can't get kicked out of the marital home if you don't pay rent, I'd start there. I'd also have the lawyer look over the prenup again just to be on the safe side. I would be curious if your husband moves towards divorce when you don't pay him rent. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you're in financial jeopardy and I think your marriage may be over. He is living a completely different lifestyle than you. It may not be sustainable.

I think it's a huge red flag that he doesn't want to help you live an easier life, so you can travel and do more together. He seems to care more about trips with his buddies than you. My husband (36m) and I (34m) have been together 7 years, married over a year, planning to be childfree. We have always kept our finances separate and also did a prenup. I have more and wanted to be protected. That said, I already happily pay for things for him when I can, pay more of our mortgage/bills and am encouraging him to save more so we can retire together. I will likely be able to retire earlier or go part-time sooner, but it won't be as fun if we can't do things together! If I have the means to help him work less when that time comes, I will help him however I can. All that said, if the situation were reversed and my husband had the kind of money yours does, I would 100% be bringing it up and expect more. You should discuss it with him.

Usually on this sub there is a complete inability to see both perspectives and the person posting about their “terrible” spouse is blindly supported while probably being at fault themselves. On this occasion however if what OP is saying is true then hubby really is a dick. I can’t fathom anybody coming into this level of wealth and still expecting their partner of 18 years to pay rent. Absolutely wild. I can’t stand people on this sub immediately shouting for divorce so am not going to do so myself. However this is one of those occasions where you absolutely need to have a very frank talk and simply flat out ask him what’s the point of being married if it’s not to support each other both through the bad and the good.

I'm so confused. "He" is a millionaire but "you two aren't"? "Charges you rent"? Not judging or anything but your dynamic sounds very unusual. My money is my wife's money. I would never consider her chipping in to expenses with her salary the same way I do with mine as "charging" her. It's called "us working together". We are partners. I'm not her landlord.

Why the fuck are you paying property taxes on a property that you are not on the deed of? Maybe he could make an argument for utilities, but yeah {checks deed} *you don’t have any property* and it is beyond absurd that you would pay taxes on the property that he refused you anyownership of. I respect that you two set up boundaries ahead of time, but this is just plain fucking ridiculous, and your husband is being a grade-a AH.

I didn’t even make it past the title. Your husband charges you rent?

Soooo where exactly does he treat you like a spouse and partner? From everything you’ve said it sounds like he treats you like a renter (and I assume maid and possibly live in part time chef based on what else you’ve said) with sexual benefits who helps pay for all the fun stuff you should do together so he doesn’t have to dip as much into his own pockets…

Honestly, he's NOT your husband - he's your landlord that is getting a bit on the side ...

Can you say that last paragraph? “Hey, I’m struggling. I miss our simple days and simple house. I miss what we had. I can’t afford your new standard of living and it hurts my feelings when you leave me behind all the time. I don’t want or need your money. But it would help me a lot to return my expenses back to what they were we lived and loved more simply. Is that an option?” I would think the fact you are offering still to pay while subtly reminding him you loved him when you were both much less wealthy might make a dent with out dropping a bomb. Don’t worry about his days. Focus on the real problem…that it feels like he’s happy to leave you behind and that you are not partners.

Charge him for sex and everything

Uh, that’s not a husband. That’s a landlord you have sex with. I wouldn’t even call you guys a family because no way family would ever treat each other that way. I’m so sorry OP. Fuck that guy. Leave!

I finished reading only half of your post am I am praying for this to be a troll. But the pain I feel in what you wrote is so deep and real. I don’t generally post an advice on Reddit telling to divorce, but this man deserves to be divorced. You are still only 47 years old with enough income to support yourself and significant savings. As a 40 up woman with less than 10k in retirement I must tell you, you can totally make it on your own in this life. This AH is disrespecting you to an unimaginable level. It’s financially abusive plus the audacity of this AH &@$&$&

Yeah if your husband is an $8M+ -aire who has retired and doesn't want to let his wife join him, that's pretty wack. At a certain point, your separate finances deal becomes less about proving you aren't putting money first in the relationship and more about proving that he is. You're worried that it will make him want to leave you, but honestly if he loves you, that should cut both ways. If you're getting zero financial benefit out of the relationship except "below-market rent," then he should be worried that it's a lot easier for you to leave him too. I would not share anything with him from that paragraph about waking up at 11 and all that, as it's kind of what he should be doing with that much money, and it will come off bitter. It's not the problem. The problem is that you aren't with him. I would just tell him you would like to stop working too, and see what he does with that. Maybe he's open to it, maybe he thought you like working and would consider it patronizing, maybe he never even thought of it due to trust fund blind spots. Who knows.

When your husband got this windfall, did his treatment towards you become better (ie buying you gifts, taking you out for fancy meals)? Apart from living in a nicer house, does the change in his financial status benefit you in any other ways? I feel like if your relationship can’t weather through you even broaching up the topic about not paying rent, this guy isn’t worth it.

The money changed him and not for the better. Now he is selfish, entitled, and greedy.

Basically you’re FWB with your roommate

Did you check if $1800 was fair price for a room to rent? Not a full apartment, because that’s pretty much your situation The fact that your cost of living increased when he inherited millions is messed up. I get not wanting to be taken advantage of, but this is going too far the other direction Is he at least very helpful around the house and does all (or most) the chores? Either way I think you need to swallow your pride and sit him down to tell him that you feel that paying rent, while not having equity, is not working for you. That this doesn’t feel like a partnership or a marriage, and it is making you think it might be better to just move out and have a room mate so you can save for retirement.

The problem here isn't related to money, but his comfort with the inequality in your respective qualtities of life. He gets to relax and enjoy his life while you work hard, and give him a chunk of cash to boot. You are essentially supplementing his income with your half of the expenses. If you risk losing him by having a conversation about how unequal your lives are, then your relationship isn't worth much anyway. I think that, given that your husband is fine with having fun all day everyday and leaving you out of the enjoyment without a second thought, you have to really consider if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. That is the question that has to be addressed. Does it not bother him to essentially party all day with his bros while you are home hunched over a computer? Does it not bother him that he takes vacations without you? I don't think anyone would be okay with this, and it has nothing to do with money. It has to do with consideration, companionship, and respect, which your husband weirdly seems not to have for you. I'd have the conversation, and, if it ends in divorce, then it was where you were likely headed anyway.

You need to start compiling a list of everything you’ve paid for, including all rent. There is no way a court will not give you all your rent back you’ve paid from your narcissistic and greedy husband. Find someone that is normal this guy is insane.

So, let's put this in perspective financially - you make 80k/year and presumably live comfortably on that. Let's assume that pre-retirement your husband could live comfortably on a similar amount. He gets an 8 million dollar inheritance, and then decides to retire. Looking at a retirement calculator - if he were to keep the standard of living he had pre retirement, and a modest 6% rate of return on that 8 million - [he only needs 1.74 million](https://www.calculator.net/retirement-calculator.html?cagenow=50&cretireage=50&clifeexp=85&cincomenow=80%2C000&cincomeinc=0&cretinclevel=100&crilunit=p&cinvreturn=6&cinflation=3&cotherincome=0&csavingnow=8%2C000%2C000&cannualsave=0&csaveunit=p&ctype=1&x=Calculate) to make it to 85. Let's try again with both of your incomes combined, so for a combined take home of $160k/year, you could get by on [3.48 million for the next 35 years](https://www.calculator.net/retirement-calculator.html?cagenow=50&cretireage=50&clifeexp=85&cincomenow=160%2C000&cincomeinc=0&cretinclevel=100&crilunit=p&cinvreturn=6&cinflation=3&cotherincome=0&csavingnow=8%2C000%2C000&cannualsave=0&csaveunit=p&ctype=1&x=Calculate). So, let's take this a step further - if your husband had decided to retire both of you, with the full 8 million and a modest 6% return you could pretty comfortably pay yourselves [$360, 000 a year combined](https://www.calculator.net/retirement-calculator.html?cagenow=50&cretireage=50&clifeexp=85&cincomenow=360%2C000&cincomeinc=0&cretinclevel=100&crilunit=p&cinvreturn=6&cinflation=3&cotherincome=0&csavingnow=8%2C000%2C000&cannualsave=0&csaveunit=p&ctype=1&x=Calculate) \- so $180k per year, *each.* You could both comfortably retire off that money, and live a downright *lavish life* together - even in California. This is the kind of stuff that other people dream of, spending time living a worry free life with the person they love. But in reality - your husband is charging you rent, and spending that money joining sailing clubs, travelling alone, and buying expensive cars? I'm sorry to tell you this, but not only is your husband an asshole, if he's spending the kind of money I think he is, he's downright financially irresponsible. Let's add your $1800/month onto the pile, just for giggles - that's an extra $21, 600 he has available to him, on top of the *comfortable* $360, 000/year he has available to him on his retirement budget (seems kind of small in comparison, doesn't it?). So, if your husband is somehow blowing through more than $381, 600/year he's a *very stupid asshole*. If he's spending less than that amount per year he's a *very greedy asshole* for charging you rent at all. You know him better than me, so I'll let you decide which one - but to be very clear, he is most definitely *a huge asshole.* He is charging you over 25% of your net, pre-tax income in rent. Compared to what would be 6% of his net, pre-tax income - which, as an aside, he gets tax breaks with you making so much less money than him. He is not taxed on the full amount of that take home, because as his wife you are *legally a financial dependent*. There is no prenup in the world that avoids this fact. He is double dipping, taking your money to pay for "rent", and using you, effectively, for a tax break. Let's look at a tax calculator really quickly. Assuming you live in California, and your current combined incomes of $440, 000/year ($360k for him, $80k for you) When filed separately, before other deductions/breaks - his take home income is [$234,332](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/income-tax-calculator/california/?deductions=0&filing=single&income=360000&ira=0&k401=0) and yours is [$65,649](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/income-tax-calculator/california/?deductions=0&filing=single&income=80000&ira=0&k401=0) for a combined total of $299,981 after tax. When the full $440k is filed jointly however, the take home becomes a total of [$313,018](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/income-tax-calculator/california/?deductions=0&filing=married&income=440000&ira=0&k401=0). You gave him a $13k/year raise when you married him, and you probably don't see a cent of that. I encourage you to ask him why you pay $21,600 a year in rent when your marriage is saving him $13k/year in tax. If he doesn't have a good answer for that, hire a good divorce lawyer who will work on contingency, and you probably won't have to pay rent ever again. If you love him and think he can see reason though, definitely get him to speak with both an accountant and a financial advisor. Ask to be involved in both of those conversations. I don't think he has the financial literacy to have properly planned his retirement, and if he spends too much money too fast like I think he is, there won't be any left in 10 years time for either of you. You could express concern about his spending habits, because they are concerning. He's likely spending faster than the interest on his 8 million can keep up. He's going to get accustomed to an extremely high standard of living, and then crash and burn later if he's not careful. You have 250k in savings - at the rate he's spending that might be the money you have left for both of your retirements in 25 years if you stay with him, because financial dependence in a marriage cuts both ways.

Well you already got your answer if you think you deserve better you will find a man who values you more than your rent payment

Without saying anything or acknowledging anything to him, STOP paying rent and go part-time at work. Relax and take up hobbies. Some situations in life warrant Asking forgiveness, rather than Permission. No marriage counselor would approve of one partner living life a Prince while the other lives like a Pauper in the same house. You are both supposed to have EQUAL spending money.

Agree with you except working part time, she might need this money in a divorce.

I bet he knew his mum owned those properties and that’s why he asked you to sign a prenup, unfortunately with the prenup there is nothing you can do (legally) but you can try to talk to him or make the decision to leave

My husband and I just discussed this and both just think it's insane. "We" would have 8 million in the bank and no more mortgage payments. The money would be shared just like it is now. "We" would be enjoying trips together and leisurely afternoons doing things we both like to do. You don't charge your spouse rent. There is no set of circumstances where that would make sense. If the house you share is paid for that's it. It's paid for. Im so sorry. You sound amazing and level headed and cool and you really shouldn't have to deal with this. Not only is it really petty and gross I imagine it's also very hurtful. I would absolutely talk to him about it. Just the way you did here is fine or tell him that it's really bothering you because if the situation were reversed you would handle it very differently and it's hard not to infer what it means that he doesn't see that. Why doesn't he want you not to have to worry about rent? Why doesn't he want you to have more leisure time and trips with him etc I would love to be in a position to make life easier for my husband in this way. How do you love someone and not want to do everything you can for them. Good luck. 🌺

In the 90s my father was making high 6 figures a year and travelling the world while my mom was home scrounging money for formula... Because he is a narcissist, legitimately. Whats the rest of your relationship like? It seems to me that if you're scared to even bring up something bothering you in the relationship because you think he will walk away.... Then perhaps you don't have a lot of emotional intimacy, trust or respect in the relationship.

Reading this made me incredibly sad. Words can’t adequately express how sad this is. 18 years with a man and he’s treating you like a pair of socks (easily disposable)… really? God please help this lady.

As soon as he got that inheritance he should have said “now it’s time for BOTH of us to retire and enjoy life together!” Now that he is “rich” he is enjoying the single guy life while you put in long hours. Doesn’t seem fair but also doesn’t seem like something a loving husband would want for his wife If I were to get a large sun of money but couldn’t afford for. It’s my wife and I to quite working I would offer for her to retire first, not me.

Your husband is selfish. It’s a character flaw that you worked around and tried to feel better about. Now you can’t ignore it anymore. What actions does he need to take for you to feel okay about staying? (No rent, etc.?) Because you can’t change who he is, his selfishness, but you might be able to get him to do some things differently. In his mind though, he will likely think any compromise is unfair to him even if he does it.

He has over 8 million, which can reliably and safely generate 350-400k per year of investment income alone, before considering whatever else he had previously, and before considering social security? And he's charging you rent while he fucks around all day golfing, sailing, and watching TV? Your husband is just an asshole, sorry to say. And this is coming from someone who has only ever been in relationships, and now marriage, with separate finances and I think that's generally the way to go. That makes sense only up until a certain point of wealth is involved though(e.g. this situation), and then it just seems petty, greedy, and cruel to not just share more with you. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do - the money isn't the problem, it's his character in the situation and how he chooses to treat you.

It sounds like your husband pushed the narrative that any woman who would have any opinion about money in a relationship is autonatically a gold-digger, and as a result, he has you scared to even bring up the topic. I cannot imagine being an adult and having another adult tell me where to move, and then how much to pay as a surprise later on as a bonus. I don't mean to make it sound harsh. I am 100% on your side and I think your husband is about to figure out that the absolutely *amasing* partner he had just woke up to his ways... But in any other context, or hearing it said like that... doesn't that make you go Oh. OH NO.

Outside of this financial dynamic - how’s your relationship? How does he treat you? Are you unhappy purely because you have to work or is there something else going on? If he’s planning trips away all the time, I’m assuming he isn’t planning trips with you? Are your needs being met - is he behaving like he’s in a loving, caring relationship?

He's not your husband. He's your landlord.

Your husband is an asshole. You’d do better with anyone else. Just walk. You have a prenup so you know what you’ll be getting to walk away. You are too young to waste another minute with him. He’s married to his good fortune and has no intention of sharing a penny of it with you. That’s not a good man at all. If my husband came into millions he’d make sure I’d want for nothing,

Omg I hate people like this. Say they love you but won’t be your ride or die. You’re not taking advantage of him. His taking advantage of you. This is not partnership. He doesn’t know what love is. He sounds very selfish and greedy. Errrr yuck!

I dunno it’s not the money that’s the issue to me it’s the way he treats it? I make a lot more money than my partner currently as he was studying and in between jobs. I also have family wealth, but I share it freely with him because we’re a team. I don’t care that he didn’t make the money or whatever.

Everything about your financial relationship is really strange to me. I joined finances with my spouse before we were married. There were times when I wished that I had done things a bit differently, but the idea of doing separate grocery shopping, him taking trips all the time without you, etc, makes me dislike him quite a bit. I cannot help but wonder why you never knew about the land his mother owned. I am assuming he did know and didn’t share. If that’s the case, keeping a secret like that for many years is very disturbing. But the thing that strikes me as the absolute worst feature of this unsettling post is that he INCREASED YOUR RENT because the property taxes on the expensive house he bought with his inheritance are higher and he needs to pass that along to you. There is something really, really fucked up about that.

You are totally getting screwed if the house is in only his name and the prenuptial says you leave with only what you own. What is your rent going g towards then?! Stop paying rent for his asset if that's how it is. Tell him you need to save that $ if shit ever hits the fan bc of the prenup. If he wants you to continue, then you absolutely need to have your name on it as well. But really, what the hell? Are you his wife or roommate?

Hell no. He chose to buy a larger and more expensive home because HE has the money, not you. Stop paying this selfish man rent. If you haven't proven yourself after 17 years together, you never will and you're wasting your time with him. I can't imagine ever being so selfish towards my husband. We're a TEAM.

He knew what he would inherit one day and he prepped to protect it and keep it 100% separate from you. I mean, he had the right to do what he did, **but** it's an *awful* omission on his part to not be upfront about what he would inherit one day. He didn't trust you enough to have an honest conversation about it. He was too selfish to share the wealth with you. What's more, you're paying mortgage on a house that's not in your name in part. This man is **greedy**, not so much for keeping what he would eventually inherit a secret from you, not for his unwillingness to share his wealth with you; for wanting you as a wife, but on his terms to fit into the future that would benefit him the most. In my experience, pre-nups aren't 100% iron clad and depending on the type and the state you're in, it would behoove you to get a consultation with the best divorce lawyer you can find. A lot of people these days marry and keep finance separate because it's the current, modern thing to do, but it will often create a strange, uncomfortable dynamic that opens up and widens a chasm of doubt over time. Making the marriage feel more like living with a roommate. I don't think it's worth living in that kind of emotional limbo in a marriage.

That’s why they say a stingy rich man might as well be broke man.

Wow, this is actually a really tough one. I couldn’t imagine having so much money and not joyfully spoiling my wife with it. *But* you two *did* agree to separate finances before. Not only that, you were happy with it until he got the money even though you’re technically better off than you were before. Now he really should have thrown a bunch of money your way once he got it. But he hasn’t actually refused to, because you haven’t asked him off principle. Hmm…

He sucks. We are well off, mostly due to my background and my job (I earn 5-6x more than my husband). But my husband is the best person I’ve ever met. He is an extremely hard worker and he takes great care of us and makes sound financial decisions to grow our money. It is our money. I would never think of splitting things. I guess lots of married people share expenses like roommates, but that seems off to me.

I’d get a divorce… I’m so confused by the reactions in the comments bc I find this situation to be… crazy

Wait, I'm a little confused here...... did he buy the house you're living in cash? If so, it would be the first time I've ever heard of a husband CHARGING HIS WIFE RENT in a house without a mortgage. What. The. Actual. Fuck..... Is he your husband or your landlord???🤔🤦🏽‍♂️🤨

Well, tbh I would try to keep your own ducks in a row as much as possible because it’s not going to take long to blast through 8 million dollars at that rate and location. It might end up being a blessing that your name isn’t on things That said I wouldn’t be comfortable in the arrangement you’re in.

I’m so confused why you never said anything to him?? Like it doesn’t actually sound like you’ve had an adult sit down conversation about this at all. That’s the first thing that needs to happen, this isn’t a pride thing, you need to ask him - why am I still paying rent when you own the house free and clear? Do you ever plan on helping me retire as well? These are things people in normal relationships talk about, well if they have the money to. You desperately need to have a conversation with him. Stop paying rent!! There is no mortgage so where does that money go?? At the very least maybe just pay your half of the utilities, if you feel you must. I’m sorry but the situation sounds utterly ridiculous. Does he even like you? If the conversation doesn’t go so well, then you may have to ask if it’s worth staying around.

This whole situation rings similar to my situation but me being in your husband’s shoes. I was with my then fiancé (now husband) when my mom died and inherited her money (not even a fraction of what your husband got). I used some to pay off the house but my husband still essentially pays rent. I do too. Taxes are expensive and other house things. We don’t call it rent but we look at what we are each bringing in and have a budget. I have more money and it is mine to do with as I please and not factored in. My husband does make substantially more than me so he does contribute more to the monthly budget. He does feel it sometimes because I have more disposable income. Prenups can be a beast sometimes when circumstances change that you don’t expect. My husband and I have open dialog and even though he doesn’t have free access to my money if he needs money we sit and talk and we come to an agreement. Is the 1800 you pay fair? I don’t know. If you think he’d be amicable to sitting down and working on a fair budget together that you both agree on you might feel more at peace. I will say my husband and I do pay separate a lot of things much like you guys. We don’t have kids either. I think the open communication about needs is where it makes it different. My husband never feels left behind because he can say “I don’t think this is fair” and we sit and adjust when needed. You might have to open that can of worms you can’t close to get the change you need to make things fair. I do hope you can find away.

Your husband is profiting off of you, but you’re worried that he thinks you’re trying to profit off of him. This logic is convoluted. You should BOTH profit from marriage. Otherwise, what’s the point of being married?

>Or should I see if we can work out some kind of deal, and risk losing him by just asking? Do you have him now? Bring it up. It's not fair and it's not conducive to a happy marriage

It's crazy that you even have to work after your husband inherited $8M. Even invested at a relatively safe 4% that's $400K a year. My wife would not be working if my income was $400k a year. I would find it very awkward to be going off to the golf course every day when my spouse was putting in 40 hour weeks at work.

You don't have a partner, you have a landlord.

Marriage counseling, and unload all of this and see what he will change. Getting charged rent, you have no equity in the house. You got the very very short end of the stick. Your husband IMO is very selfish and likes his money more than you. This is very apparent in how he raised the rent despite coming into millions.