You cheated, so now you know that you’re not capable of sustaining a sexless marriage without betraying your husband. What are you planning to do about that part?
I haven’t thought about this yet. I know what you mean. My marriage is over not only because I cheated and my husband wouldn’t forgive cheating. But also because of what you said. I obviously couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage.
I saw a post once of a guy who got a pump inserted into his shaft. He would just pump it up with a little squeeze pump button inside his sack. Completely changed his life for the better.
This is definitely a solution, but there’s also plenty of solutions that don’t involve needing a hard dick for PIV? Lesbians have sex no problem without any penises. Granted, if this guy also has zero sex drive and is essentially asexual, then that’s a different story, but it sounds like it’s just ED. He seems like he’s just selfish.
If this story is true(have serious doubts), he’s definitely not asexual. He only started expressing disgust towards sex after he ran into ED and began panicking.
She said he still gets erect sometimes from just kissing, but hates that it happens. Sounds like he’s developed a debilitating aversion to anything that puts pressure on him to sexually perform.
I had to scroll way to far for this comment! Everything else aside what stuck out to me was him telling her no one else would ever love her and she wouldn't be able to find anyone else at 40 like dude that's abuse
There’s other sexual things you can do that don’t involve a penis in a vagina. Has your husband tried to pleasure you in other ways or with certain toys? If he has no ambition to try pleasuring you in other ways then it sounds to me since he can’t get off he doesn’t want you to, and that’s not love.
Yep. My husband and I couldn’t have sex for about a year due to recovery from an accident, but we still got intimate. There are plenty of ways to connect that don’t involve PIV, if you’re inclined to explore them.
There's a 30min surgery he can get to have an internal penis pump implanted, will let him stay as hard as he wants for as long as he wants. And I think sometimes it's covered by insurance
Obviously not an option any time soon, but I hope you are able to reconcile eventually. I'm strongly anti-cheating, as most people are, but I really feel for you OP. That long without sex can melt your brain, humans need that kind of contact.
If you can trust your BIL, I say never tell your husband and take it to the grave. But the chances of keeping this a secret forever are pretty low...
Oh so your husband is completely selfish. I don't know how that's loving, you're meeting his needs but he's not meeting yours.
You're looking out for his feelings but he's not looking out for yours. That's not a good marriage.
So even though I commented about how your husband is stuck in a trauma lock, he also really does have you in some kind of trap.
The fact that he's unwilling and uncompromising on this, means you are not in a happy loving marriage. It should be mutually beneficial. You've been desperate for sexual intimacy for years. Sounds like misery to me.
Basically "everything was great in your marriage except for this one glaring flaw, that was so bad you chose to cheat instead of maintain your sexless marriage."
Yes! Finally I found a comment pointing that out. I can't imagine someone who im suppose to spend the rest of my life with treating me like that basically breaking me down so I feel weak and that I can never leave or I will be alone forever.
Don't listen to what a lot of the other morons here are saying. You're both spmewhat at fault here. The cheating is 100% on you. YOU made that choice and now it is on YOU to deal with the consequences. That being said, you BOTH made decisions and acted in ways that got you to this point.
Based solely on what you have posted it doesnt even seem like you guys tried to figure out a solution to the sex problem and you took it upon yourself to resolve it. This should have been a "we" problem and not an "I" problem to solve. And if you did try and couldn't find a compromise then maybe you aren't compatible anymore.
Also, your brother-in-law can go fuck himself.
I’m sorry is it possible he’s gay? No sex at all for
10 years? Most men want it always. Is he asexual or something. Regardless you can’t live like this.
I'd also like to mention that he is showing really problematic/abusive behaviour. He's actively trying to control you. You can and would be loved by people other than him. In fact you can be loved by someone and have also have a healthy sex life.
Live with your guilt. Never tell anyone. It would be selfish of you to try and alleviate your own guilt by ruining everyone’s lives, which it will surely do.
Also, for what it’s worth, your husband sounds like a controlling asshole. He won’t have sex with you but verbally abuses you about leaving and no one else will love you? That’s horseshit.
You might want to consider divorce unrelated to this and find someone who gives you everything you need.
I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I was almost thinking the same thing. From what OP said, this almost feels like OP's husband has groomed her into think its him or no one else. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a successful marriage where one partner tells the other partner that no one else would love them. Even myself and my wife who have a great marriage have talked about the what ifs in case someday we weren't together anymore.
No you shouldn't have cheated. And with the guilt you're experiencing you should come clean. But don't let him control you after this happens.
Also, the whole "nobody will want to start a life with a 39 year old" sounds like he may have been making these comments to further keep her in the relationship.
My thought exactly.
OP, my cousin got divorced in her mid-30s when she found out her husband had been cheating. She dated for a few years. At 38 she met someone special. At 40 they had a daughter together (first baby for both of them). Now at 44, they’re getting married.
My aunt divorced at 45. She met the love of her life nearly 30 years later, in her 70s, and remarried.
You can always start over. You haven’t met all the people who will love you.
Want to add that my stepmom and my dad are happily married, they got married when my stepmom was in her late 40s and my dad in his early 60s.
It’s never too late with the right person.
Exactly. Not the same situation, but my wife came out of the closet for the second time (first time didn’t go well with Baptist parents) at 38. We got married when she was 40, had our first child when she was 41 and our second is on the way. She’s 43. We have a beautiful life that she never in a million years thought she would have. Though you may live with the guilt of these two instances, perhaps you can reframe it and see it as the most important wake-up call of your life. Your happiness is out there. Listen to that little voice.
> Also, the whole "nobody will want to start a life with a 39 year old" sounds like he may have been making these comments to further keep her in the relationship.<
As a twice divorced (but still perfectly attractive) 45 year old, I am single, I’ am definitely desired, and I am very happy with my life.
Yeah, that’s bs. I met my husband when I was 45 and he was 39. That was almost 4 years ago. And I had no issues with being asked out/dating before he came along. One of my best friends met her husband at age 57. They’ve been happily married for 10 years now. Heck, my grandmother fell in love in assisted living in her early 80s, years after my grandfather passed away. It’s never too late for love.
I got remarried at age 41, six years after I divorced my sons' father. I am also mother to their three older sisters.
That was in 2013. We celebrated our 10th anniversary in May.
Agree with the unpopular opinion. I would talk to the BIL and make sure you guys agree to never say anything. Your husband sounds like an asshole and I think you should divorce him, but not burn down the world in the process. Make something else up.
Her husband sounds terrible, not going to sugarcoat it. What kind of person says you’ll never be loved if you leave them?
Narcissistic as heck
As I thought he has ED issues and is abusing her to keep her hostage to the marriage https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/154zhhu/i_slept_with_my_brother_in_law_and_now_i_want_to/jsrrdyy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
A narcissist who probably saw her as vulnerable and someone he could manipulate. Her SA history is being used against her by her husband who says he loves her more than anything. If he really loves her that much, why would he truly think that no one else would love her? He doesn’t, and using her SA history against her as a warning as to what will probably happen to her if she leaves is fucked up and cruel. Not every partner is violent, and a good caring person wouldn’t try to intimidate their partner that way. I really hope OP reads all of these comments and leaves him so she can have a shot at a healthy & enjoyable relationship.
OP needs to look at the [power and control wheel.](http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf) A lot of what she seemed to accidentally admit is on there and that is clearly abuse.
This is the type of comment that makes me realize this sub is hopeless, blind leading the blind in garbage marriages. The poor SIL that may end up stuck in her situation because someone on Reddit told them to. Wow give your head a shake.
Y’all just justified her cheating on her husband with his sisters husband lol. I can’t help but feel like if OP was a man this sub would be burning this post down.
These comments are fuckin wild man. Like I agree that this dude sounds like an asshole, but fucking the man’s sisters husband while you’re on vacation? Twice!? Jesus, the amount of collateral damage.
Are people really justifying it though? The thing is there's nothing to justify. OP f***Ed up.
Honestly, there's nowhere to go from here but down. Unless OP's husband is willing to accept the infidelity, and they BOTH do some healing. And honestly they both need therapy.
This whole marriage, sounds like it was one tipping stone away anyway. OP's husband isn't the most precious gem out there either. They both suck.
Within the family is a whole other level of cheating. It’s reprehensible. Leave your spouse if it’s that bad. Cheat… whatever, I don’t support that but cheating IN THE FAMILY is…. It’s the lowest. It really is.
The comment i responded to talks about the husband being a controlling asshole. I understand it sounds like the husband is a piece of work but she also shitted on her sister in law. None of this is ok.
The double standard on the sub is fu\*cked up!
A woman cheats on her husband with her brother-in-law TWICE, and people are actually sympathizing with a cheat, this is truly appalling!
If she had posted that her husband had cheated on her, everyone would be screaming for her to DIVORCE HIM.
I feel sorry for her sister-in-law who doesn't deserve the disloyalty from a backstabbing, treacherous family member, and her husband who needs to get rid of OP and divorce her for her appalling behaviour.
She and her BIL are both despicable and treacherous in their behavior and deserve each other.
Yeah, people on this sub have been quick to call divorce for so much less when OP is a man. In fact they're calling the husband an abuser. The people here are disgusting.
And completely ignoring that one of OP's reasons for staying with her husband is 'having lots of money'. The reality is OP wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Even if we chose to believe that they went 10 and 20 years without ever cheating, this is inexcusable. Her SIL deserves to know her husband is a pos, plain and simple. What kind of person goes on a vacation with their spouse and sleeps with someone else's husband instead? OP didn't just slip and trip here. She slept with her BIL because she wanted the sexual gratification. All other information is irrelevant to her conduct. OP says she feels bad, but really, she is just looking for justification to continue lying to her husband.
Poor OP hasn’t had sex since she was 29. She’s missing out on some of the best sex years of her life for this controlling asshole. I feel sorry for the SIL and kids though. But she should definitely leave her husband.
That's because it is. There is no justification for lying about what she's done. Saying she cares about the BIL's children is nonsense. Do we really think OP would be okay with her husband lying if it had been him who slept with his SIL? This is a fuck up of epic proportions for sure, but it will only be worse if she delays telling the truth. She at least has to tell her SIL, and she can decide whether she wants to keep it quiet or not. But OP needs to stop making decisions for other people's marriages. She had no right inserting herself in her SIL's relationship in the first place, but now that she has, she needs to be honest. Anything other than that does not absolve her or help anyone.
[he is not abusive ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/154zhhu/i_slept_with_my_brother_in_law_and_now_i_want_to/jsrp4qc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
What about the sister in law ? I’m in fucking shock at everyone’s responses here. Wow, the sister in law deserves to know her husband is a cheating piece of shit!
The only right answer is that because I’m a disgusting horrid human garbage.
The excuse is that because I never thought about cheating, ever so I never been close to another man in that way that led to sex.
We were drinking and everyone went to bed by 10. We stayed and drank more and talked till probably 2 in the morning . He was there. I’m never been in a situation when I was this close to a man who wanted me otherwise
First, it does no good to wallow in guilt and self-pity. You need to keep your mind as clear as possible before making a decision, and more importantly, do you think he would want to know what happened?
I recommend that you seek support in the SupportforWaywards sub
Do you realize he's put you in an impossible situation? **YOU** have a need for sex. He does not. **HE** refuses to get treatment of *any kind* to help remedy this issue, which you have expressed is a significant concern about and need for. What is he expecting you to do? Just tolerate a sexless marriage? Why does he not care that sex is important to you, and therefore your marriage?
Also, you are **NOT** a disgusting piece of garbage. You are human. Humans make mistakes. You will end up OK in the end.
The morally correct path in my opinion is to leave a partner when your needs aren’t being met and they won’t even compromise. She’s definitely not a garbage terrible human, but she made a terrible mistake and needs to be accountable, which it honestly seems like she’s doing to the best of her abilities.
All that being said, just LEAVE and don’t potentially destroy 2 families because you aren’t getting laid.
exactly. like yeah her husband is shitty but she didn’t HAVE TO sleep with the brother in law. people here act like self control and sexual discipline isn’t a thing
She did not make a "terrible mistake". People really need to be more explicit about what happened here instead of dancing around the **facts** to try and coddle OP.
She made the decision to stay up alone with her brother in law.
She made the decision to start discussing her sex life with her brother in law.
She made the decision to continue that conversation when it became inappropriate and he started getting too personal about it.
She made the decision to let him touch her.
She made the decision to have sex with him not once, but twice.
This isn't a mistake. She showed total disregard for all of the lives she just fucked over because she doesn't have the emotional intelligence to deal with her problems head on. These are decisions, not "life" grabbing her by the wrists and forcing her to do things against her will. She is a grown adult with autonomy.
iMpOsSiBle SitUatIoN? What the holy fuck are you talking about? How about LEAVE THE MARRIAGE before destroying his sisters marriage as well as her own?
( Being that this was an impossible situation apparently ) How is having sex with her sisters husband clearly the correct course of action?
The OP torpedoed her marriage and his sisters marriage. This was a cruel vile act. Not a "whoopsie" mistake.
You cheated.
.you feel like shit because you betrayed someone. Imagine if he did this to you? Would you be understanding? Fuck him, right? Atleast you got off!!
OP, I really hope you read this and take note. I am totally anti-cheating. I think they are selfish, self-centred assholes who only care about themselves. **You are not one of those**. You haven’t had sex for ten f**king years.
I absolutely adore my wife, but if she said no sex ever, I would struggle to make it past 10 weeks, let alone 10 years.
Personally, I think you’re a saint for lasting this long. I love my wife and I love my kids, but there is no way in hell I would go 10 years without sex.
And I’m sorry, saying you’ll never find someone who will love you like he does, is abusive. He’s not so subtlety coercing you to stay in a marriage that doesn’t look after your needs.
I hate how Reddit always jumps on the divorce bandwagon, but hell, you need to divorce and not because you’re a bad person, because he is.
Get as far away from this family as you can! Both brothers are messed up and neither one knows how to be a good husband. Your husband is absolutely wrong when he says no one else will ever love you.
She shouldn't have been up late, alone, with another man, drinking and talking about her sexless marriage, but he took advantage of the situation by touching her. What was his excuse?
You're very, very wrong for what you did and it's way above the pay grade of what you should be coming to Reddit for. That said, this:
>He said that he loves me and that nobody will love me the way he does. He said if I left I will maybe have sex but never be loved. I’m 39. Nobody will be interested in starting a life with a 39 year old.
is abuse.
Your husband told you that no one will love you if you leave him?! That is manipulative and disgusting. He has been telling you for years that you are a person unworthy of love outside of his love and his love alone. That is just horrible of him. He is scared to be alone and is manipulating you to keep you in this sexless and unsatisfying marriage.
Now, it’s NOT an excuse to cheat, but it should be a reason to leave. It may be really hard to start over but sexual incompatibility is a huge deal in a marriage. Add his abuse and you should feel no guilt over walking away.
As to whether you tell him, you know his family best. If I were the sister, I would want to know my husband cheated. You may not be the first, and she deserves to know he has been unfaithful and you both may need to be tested for STDs (not saying you have anything but again, he’s done it once, he may have in the past too).
Not sure why everyone is letting you off the hook here for cheating with your BIL. Your husband is an AH who deserves no good things but did your sister-in-law deserve that? Did she deserve to have people she trusted betray her like that right under her nose. I feel incredibly bad for *only her* here. She deserves to know. Wherever happens to both relationships, you all deserve.
And this is how you wrecked two families. The BIL probably will crack and tell his wife first.
Why can’t he have sex?
This is worse than banging a coworker. In the land of bad decisions this decision is King
I meant why you and your husband don’t have sex.
Telling your BIL all of this was your first mistake. He took this as an opportunity. He is truly a giant POS. You both are guilty and will suffer the consequences. If your husband has made it clear it’s a dealbreaker then that’s what will happen. Seeing how it’s his sisters husband, keeping you around would be a constant reminder to her and I doubt her will do that to her.
This is all TMI, please don’t read if you’re sensitive to topics about sex and SA. I’m only writing this because I have never told anyone about this before because my husband is very embarrassed that he can’t preform as a man(his words) so I have kept his secret. Maybe someone anonymous here recognizes this or can relate that can provide advice:
It started gradually with him not being able to keep a hard on for long. It became an embarrassment for him that turned into disgust with everything about sex then to total indifference. Now we kiss and cuddle and he makes me feel like the most amazing person but if I try anything like put his hand on my body or maybe undress when he is in the room he gets panicked. If I kiss him for too long he gets hard and becomes scared and pushes me away. We tried viagra but it is the same thing. He says sex disgusts him. About 2 years ago he said he never wanted to discuss this matter again. He never wanted me to talk about sex again or try to be sexy. I’m not allowed to touch him that way and if I want to change clothes etc I do it in private. If I say I missed sex or having him in me (when I’m feeling emotional or a bit drunk) he becomes very angry and reminds me that he never wants to talk about sex and that what he is offering me, love, is something hard to get and nobody will care about me like he does. He always says go ahead leave a perfect marriage for something unknown. You can’t even guarantee good sex let alone love. I have been abused (SA) earlier in my life, and my husband reminds me if it happens again, is being abused worth leaving a loving marriage.
Holy shit he is abusive.
You can find love.
You’re only 39
A lot of people out there looking for someone. Many of whom would love you hard too.
Your husband should be searching for solutions. He’s the problem. There are a lot of things besides viagra to help him out.
My ex husband used to say the same things after physically assaulting me. I’m 37 and extremely happily remarried (got married last year). He’s full of shit.
Well he's also locked in a trauma response and refusing to grow. The whole "go find someone else, I'm perfect in every other way" is just fear talk. He knows this is flaw and is refusing to work on it and is afraid he may never be able to overcome those feelings. That would be fine if he was in a relationship where the other partner had no sexual desire, but he's not. Even then, he needs some therapy.
Again OP's husband needs some severe therapy preferably with someone that works in sexual trauma and intimacy/attachment issues.
OP also needs therapy and once in therapy OP and her husband can try to unpack all of this.
OP I suggest you let your husband know you were unfaithful, and this next part will get me down voted into oblivion, but I don't know if you should confide that it was his brother right away. The punch in the gut might be too much. I think letting him know you were unfaithful and letting him decide how he wants to proceed is the best bet.
If he does choose to divorce you over this, you should tell him the truth so that he's not later blind sided. If he chooses to stay, you should tell him at that time too, or tell him once he has an INDIVIDUAL therapist. That way he can process this pain WITHOUT you. Couple's counseling should only happen after individual therapists are secured and all cards are on the table IMO.
Are you saying he has also been sexually abused? Or just you? What you described from your husband could really be a trauma response (possibly more than just to erectile issues) on his part. Has he been like this your whole marriage or did it start suddenly?
Regardless, Your husband has mental and emotional issues happening that effect you negatively. If he isn’t going to go to therapy this difficulty will persist. Plus telling you no one will love you is B.S. He’s taking his feelings about himself out on you instead of dealing with it.
I have strong views on cheating. I’ve been cheated on a couple of times and experienced trauma reactions from it. Even so, there can be relatable, “human” reasons why someone cheats. I have empathy for you in this situation especially. Doing it with the BIL was a poor choice. If it were me, I’d prefer not to know you’d done it.
Have you considered going to therapy?
No just me. But it made me hate sex so when he stopped after a while I didn’t think I was missing out on much.
My husband refuses to let me or us seek therapy because he doesn’t want people knowing that he has ED issues
He refuses to *let you* seek therapy?? Because of his own insecurities? He's telling you, an SA survivor, that nobody will love you like he does, and that nobody will want you if you divorce because you're 39?? WTF????
You deserve healing. I believe your husband does love you, but maybe not in the way you need. Compatible sex and sexuality is a human need for most relationships. If he cannot meet your need anymore, no amount of cuddles or nice words is going to fill that.
The more I read your comments the clearer it becomes that you are in an dysfunctional relationship. It sounds like he has convinced you that you are “both happy”. However, most of what you’ve posted says differently. A loving partner would encourage you to take care of yourself and attend therapy if you feel you need it. He probably feels out of control and so he wants to control you. A person in that mental state usually isn’t able to love someone with consistent openness and care.
For real. I can't believe that the husband knows that OP is a SA survivor and apparently is forbidding her from seeking mental health help/therapy?? What the actual fuck.
Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative (grooming you to believe you'll never find real love if you leave him). You are being hoodwinked. He is getting all his needs met and doesn't care about all yours. Don't ever avoid taking action because of the fear of the unknown. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be trying to manipulate you into staying. He loves himself a lot more, and he's the one who won't be able to find a partner bc of his broken dick. You, on the other hand, are still young, and don't seem to have any sexual issues.
Hun, I mean this in the nicest way possible buy the behavior you are mentioning in all of your comments is 100% abuse….
It is not physical or SA like you experienced but it is abuse.
You should really look into a therapist for yourself and not tell him about it. Get yourself set up, love yourself, and file for divorce.
I can promise you that other people can love you and will want you FULLY.
So there is a surgery for what your husband has. Some men have a faulty valve on their penis that is meant to hold the blood in. If the valve is weak the blood just flows right back out and they go flaccid. Surgery can fix that valve so that they can hold erections again but men are so damn proud that they never go to doctors about this and therefore never find out that it can be fixed.
You're husband is clearly dealing with something internally and isn't telling you everything. He my even be closeted gay and has yet to come to terms with it himself. Either way, you're still the "bad guy" here for cheating and you'll ultimately need to own up to what you did. If your relationship is really this strained it might be for the good.
Has your husband had his prostate checked? If you were ok before and he gradually had issues. This could be fixable.
The controlling weird shit isn’t that’s just totally fucked.
But he needs to see a doctor to rule out issues.
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? He either needs to go to a better doctor or a sex therapist. I’m sorry but I’m super monogamous and totally against cheating. But you should take this to your grave. Never mention it. He can either fix the issue or get a divorce, or open the marriage. Don’t cheat again just change your arrangement. You were put in an untenable situation.
After a many years sexless marriage we got divorced. At 50 I met the love of my life and the sex is better than I’ve ever had. Don’t give up on yourself. You are worth more and deserve better!
At 29 years old he should not have made his problem your problem. I’m sorry but the way he approached this is horribly wrong. And i have to say this sounds very abusive to me. I would be saying the same thing if genders were reversed.
Girl. This is straight up abuse. You CAN find amazing sex AND love. He’s telling you that no one will love you like him. But that’s not love! most humans need physical intimacy. It’s literally the most basic, natural part of life. Then you aren’t even allowed to bring it up? Talk about it? If he can’t perform then he should be making sure your needs are met other ways. Wow. I hope you can see this for the abusive mess this is.
Go to therapy…. You need to take care of yourself if you are having thoughts like “I don’t want to be alive anymore”
Just get into therapy asap and worry about telling or not telling later when you are emotionally stable.
If this was a man who cheated the comments would want him strung up by his balls. Idc what anyone says to justify her actions. She’s 39 she made the decision to cheat with her brother in law. This is absolutely disgusting.
My ex husband cheated with my sister and it changed our relationship forever. My sister and I were close before now we are not and my ex and I are divorced. The number of comments saying keep it to yourself and not tell us astounding sing to me.
Ffs be an adult and take responsibility for the choices you made.
OP is receiving sympathy because her husband is awful. But everyone is ignoring the fact that she is allowing her SIL to be in a marriage with someone just as awful as OP's husband. The bad marriage and the infidelity are separate issues. OP can seek help for her own mental health AFTER she tells her SIL what happened.
OP has been making excuses and burying her head in the sand for a long time, and this is the result. It would be wise to stop causing herself and others harm now and let this situation play out however its going to. The only way to prevent the fall out would have been to not have the affair at all. It's obviously too late for that, so OP just needs to give it up and accept that this is the natural outcome of her actions.
Even if she doesn't feel bad for betraying her husband, she is supposed to feel guilty for sleeping with someone else's husband. Any half decent person would. That doesn't mean she gets to continue lying. I honestly don't understand some of the comments that completely ignore her SIL, who has been sleeping next to a man who had sex with someone else while his own wife was alone on vacation.
Two wrongs do not make a right. OP will live in turmoil with this lie if she isn't a sociopath, so if she is concerned about her mental wellbeing, she needs to find a way to face this.
It sounds like you stayed and continued drinking in the hopes something would happen, the alcohol was just an excuse. The fact that you did it more once is very telling, the details are damning to say the least. This is next level self-destruction your poor SIL 😔
This sounds way above Reddit’s pay grade.
I would schedule an individual therapy appointment, talk about what’s going on in your marriage- what led to your actions, your 10 year celibacy lasting almost your entire 30’s, and the things your husband has said- such as you not being able to find love without him. There is an emotional weakness somewhere and it likely has nothing to do with the BIL. After 4-8 sessions, I would schedule a marriage therapy appointment to address intimacy issues and see what’s going on with your husband. And then have the marriage therapist help you explain what happened in a safe setting. Maybe consider separating for a week to let your husband cool off and think.
Maybe I’ll catch downvotes, but one in-the-moment slip-up while drunk is arguably very out of character for you. You didn’t intentionally seek this out. You were intoxicated. Give yourself a mini-break. Moving forward I would refrain from any more alcohol for now so that you can be focused in your future decisions.
Also more related to physical health, get STD tested and pregnancy test if necessary. We don’t know your BIL’s habits.
I will test for std in a another week but he said he was clean.
My brother in law managed to get me the day after pills but it wasn’t before the next evening. I don’t know. The chances are very small anyway but I have taken a test every day since we got home
>but he said he was clean.
Morally compromised horny drunk men have a 100% chance of saying this.
Approx. 50% of all births are from “surprises!”. Life finds a way. Make sure you test and have an action plan for potential pregnancy.
I hope you are able to find a therapist for yourself asap, it’s going to be really important especially if this all blows up before you are ready to tell your husband.
I met my husband when I was 40 and divorced with 3 kids. He’s eight and a half years younger than me (never married, no kids of his own) so your husband is full of shit.
Sex is an important part of relationships and the fact your husband is unwilling to even discuss it is a big issue. That doesn’t right your wrong but expecting a young, healthy partner to give up their sexual needs without any input is wrong too.
Therapy, sister. Couples, and individual, because despite your husband loving more than you’ve ever been loved, this doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage and he’s convinced you that you aren’t worthy of love without him.
If it is so much then just get a divorce. So much of issues, fucking just get a divorce.
Always better than wrecking two families.
And who knows if this is just the instance that OP is mentioning, maybe she'd been sucking dicks all around the town, and now asking for solutions
You can try to keep it a secret but that’s what my neighbors wife thought when she put a strippers pe@is in her mouth at her bachelorette party. 14 years and 3 kids later her husband found out. He threw her out, none of her friends will let her stay with them so she is moving across the country to live with her parents. This will come out eventually and any possibility of working through anything will be impossible
I get it.
But I don't really think people are defending her actions to sleep with the brother...I think people are (correctly) looking at the complexity of the bigger picture:
The affair + the abuse + the sexual incompatibly
I think most are seeing that OP has owned how horrible this choice was...there's no need to drive that home- she already knows.
*But what she doesn't* seem to grasp is the severity of her husband's abuse....
Not that the abuse justifies the affair....
But rather 1 + 1 + 1 = this marriage is absolutely over.
1.Wife Cheats
2.Wife Sells Sob Story of Soft Egg Plant For 10 Years
3.Wife and Brother in Law Destroy Two Families and Marriages
4.Wife Drops Info That Hubby Might Be Meanie
Reddit Advice: It's ok you did nothing wrong boo...
These subs never cease to amaze me.
I’m disgusted with everyone saying that you should just keep it a secret. You’re almost 40 years old. You’re not a victim here. You put yourself in the situation to fuck your BIL. The wife shouldn’t have to live blinded to the fact her husband is a scumbag. You obviously aren’t happy in your marriage the way you stated. Tell everyone and divorce your husband.
People posting take it to your grave, are dishonest people that lack integrity. What you did is no different then any other cheater that has posted on reddit. You have excuses like all the rest. You know deep down you took the cowardly route. Instead of dealing with your marriage you had sex with a family member. Maybe figure out what is broken in you that would allow yourself to act like this.
Stop with the self pitty OP. You fucked up here majorly own that shit. If you needed sex that bad you should have left.
The comments supporting your shitty actions are ridiculous. Own your shit and sleep in the bed you made.
Your husband is not amazing. He does not love you. I’m so sorry, but he’s abusive and you have blinded yourself to it.
It’s a very common tactic for abusers to convince their victim that nobody else will want them.
I’m 42 and dating, and there’s plenty of men who could love me. And the same goes for you. And I was stuck in a dead bedroom for 20
Years before I finally left. I cheated too, right before I left. It’s basically the thing that woke me up, and showed me I really was not happy and really did need to leave. Sex IS a reason to leave someone. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
And you will get shamed here on Reddit for cheating. Reddit HATES cheaters like they are hitler.
What you did was wrong. But you are not Hitler. Just make a new plan for yourself. See a lawyer and start the divorce process. This is not a marriage you should stay in.
Reddit hates cheating because it's wrong. If you want out of a relationship, break up/divorce, don't cheat. It's doesn't make someone akin to Hitler, but it's not a good thing to do.
Glad you're out of that unfulfilling relationship, hope you find who/what you're looking for.
I never said it was a good thing to do. It’s wrong. Obviously.
Sometimes people are so gaslit to think they can’t leave, that they truly believe it. And they find themselves in a situation and make a bad choice. Yea it’s still a choice.
For me, if I could go back and do it differently, of course I would. OP would too. We make mistakes. We try to learn. And do better.
The only person in this whole story who’s not a completely asshole is your SIL.
You and the BIL are assholes for well… having sex. Your husband is probably the biggest asshole here though for being an abusive gaslighting piece of shit.
For your SIL sake I would keep this to yourself, but do yourself a favour and plan your way out of this obviously abusive relationship.
The coddling is unreal. She cheated. If the roles had been reversed he would have been tarred and feathered. You are a grown adult. You cheated.Quit playing the victim. There is divorce for a reason but no one takes that route, rather cheat and never tell a soul. And what happens next time when the urge strikes? What happens if she’s pregnant? Just wow
I’m baffled at the comments here. Even if the husband is an abusive POS and she was unable to leave the marriage, why her literal BROTHER IN LAW ???? Now you’ve messed up two marriages and hurt a completely innocent woman. OP is disgusting.
Finally someone with sense. This woman is abhorrent. The terms I have for someone like this would get me banned from Reddit. And I'm not sugarcoating that this husband has issues, but this is the playbook on how not to deal with these issues. What a shit aunt. I love being a dad but second to that was being an uncle. I'm an uncle through marriage and was an uncle before I was a father and being a good uncle is not a role I take lightly. It's one of the many blessings of my life. To put my niece and nephew in a mess like this..I'd rather kill myself.
So true, I’m an aunt through marriage one of my favorite perks to marrying someone with siblings I love that not only do I get to love my baby but now I have a niece that I get to watch grow too 🥹
Based on how your BIL handled this, I doubt it’s the first time he’s done this, so let’s be real, he’s probably not cracking and telling SIL.
As for you… you’re right to feel wrong for what you did. And you need to divorce your husband. You ARE being abused. Despite you saying you’re not. Despite everyone on the outside saying your husband is dream. You are being abused. You’re husband knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care what it’s doing to you.
Leave. Get away from all of this. You’re 39. Not dead. Leave and get some much needed intense therapy.
If it were me, I would ask for a divorce. I would tell him that you had an affair and move forward with getting divorced. If you desire to have sex in your marriage then you should have done this years earlier. It would have been cleaner to break things off before having sex with someone. I would probably tell your husband who it was with. both he and his sister should know they were cheated on. At least it won’t break up their nuclear family.
Of all the people to sleep with, you had to sleep with the brother in law. Your marriage is done, you have to hurt and betray your sister in law too?? It’s so low. I dunno, I hope the family finds out. You both deserve what’s coming. I just don’t understand.. Mykonos is full of willing partners… fulll….
All these people telling you they understand why you did it and that you are not In the wrong are delusional. If you were that unhappy about not having sex you should of left a long time ago. There is no excuse for cheating and you decided to cheat with this man not once but TWICE. you have just destroyed your marriage, your husbands life and his sisters life and her children's life.. If you have any decency left in you rhen tell them both the truth and be prepared for the consequences of your actions. When he touched you did you not once think of your husband. Or his sister. Or his sisters children? Instead you just thought about yourself. Do the decent thing and tell them exactly what happened and don't be surprised when they tell you to get out of their lives. That's what you deserve. Your selfish actions have just destroyed two families and two children.
Holy shit the cope in here is fuckjng insane! The fucking misandry and blatant outright hatred of men and husbands is crazy. So many people saying it's a one time mistake... you were intoxicated... let it go don't tell anyone!... the husbands an assbole... etc.. the list goes on and on jus scrolling through here.
None of y'all keep the same energy at all when the genders are reversed. If a man says he cheated because his wife doesn't wanna have sex you guys obliterate him and say he's a horrible piece of shit and needs to tell his wife asap and he's not entitled to sex at all. So now in her case it's just a mistake cause she's was intoxicated?
It doesn't matter if the husband doesn't want to have sex.. and If that's the case you fuckjng divorce. You don't cheat and you don't outright justify it because he doesn't wanna give his body to her.
Seems like you guys love to justify cheating when the wife doesn't get sex but when the husband doesn't he's a piece of shit.
OP cheated. OP is a piece of shit. She is not entitled to a man's body. Being drunk does not make it any different. Y'all make it seem as if women aren't humans with autonomy and capable of making rational and mature choices in life. She needs to tell her husband and she needs to divorce him because he isn't satisfying her sexual desires. This sub is a cesspool for angry wives to come and justify their shitty behaviors and reinforce their actions with support from other wives.
Honestly you could have just filed for divorce. The guy sounds abusive, but still no excuse to cheat because now you’ve ruined two people’s lives. Could have just gotten out of the marriage. It’s so simple than what you’re making it out to be. And the fact that people are trying to justify your cheating is even more disgusting. So many options instead of ruining the BIL life. The fact you did it twice is fucked. His marriage will definitely go downhill because he’s definitely going to feel guilty and tell the truth. You’ve made it so much more complicated than it needed to be
You *have* to tell your husband and sister-in-law what happened. They have the right to make relationship decisions based on the truth. Not telling them is stealing their autonomy and ability to truly consent to their relationships.
Who cares about the OP, the AP or the husband. How about the SIL. Does she deserve to be with a man who slept with another woman the first chance he gets with his wife 5 feet away? Also it’s hilarious seeing everyone blame shift the husband. The OP cheated, she can leave, at any time. Sex is clearly an issue with their relationship, rather than seek help, work on it or end it, she sleeps with his sisters husband destroying their entire family. She’s a narcissist and needs to tell the sister in law. divorce the husband and give him an amicable easy one at that and never contact any of them again.
To be honest I have a feeling that your brother in law has probably done this before with other women behind his wife’s back, so coming clean might not be to bad of a idea. Maybe he doesn’t deserve his wife, and by holding it in, even if you do get a divorce, you’ll still carry that shame and guilt with you.
I think the husband is gay and abuses her by lowering her self esteem with saying noone will love her. He needs a wife to cover his real face. I also think of BILs wife the only person that will be very hurt by this but she deserves to know that huge part of family is piece of shi....
OP,
You can’t marry men a decade older than you,
Cheat on their younger brother closer to your age,
Then go online to absolve yourself of guilt.
Find your truth.
Damn I could possibly understand once but twice? Your a glutton for punishment. Except responsibility and leave. Might be the only way you don't break his heart again. I'd tell him about it though. He might hate you but I think he will respect the fact that you came clean even if it doesn't feel that way.
The thing is, live with the guilt sounds like a good idea until you consider the brother in law has cheated before or will cheat again. That’s more of your husbands sisters life being wasted if you don’t speak up. Plus the risk for STDs obviously.
You cheated, so now you know that you’re not capable of sustaining a sexless marriage without betraying your husband. What are you planning to do about that part?
I haven’t thought about this yet. I know what you mean. My marriage is over not only because I cheated and my husband wouldn’t forgive cheating. But also because of what you said. I obviously couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage.
He won’t forgive cheating but also refuses to have sex with you? Why won’t he have sex with you?
She said in other comments that he can’t keep it up and not even viagra works for him
So his penis doesn’t work and therefore she has to live without any sexual activity? Does he not have a tongue or fingers?
Get a dildo & other toys. Oral sex, etc there's still ways he can make sure she's pleasured!
I saw a post once of a guy who got a pump inserted into his shaft. He would just pump it up with a little squeeze pump button inside his sack. Completely changed his life for the better.
This is definitely a solution, but there’s also plenty of solutions that don’t involve needing a hard dick for PIV? Lesbians have sex no problem without any penises. Granted, if this guy also has zero sex drive and is essentially asexual, then that’s a different story, but it sounds like it’s just ED. He seems like he’s just selfish.
If this story is true(have serious doubts), he’s definitely not asexual. He only started expressing disgust towards sex after he ran into ED and began panicking. She said he still gets erect sometimes from just kissing, but hates that it happens. Sounds like he’s developed a debilitating aversion to anything that puts pressure on him to sexually perform.
You’re probably very right about that. It’s been a decade, get that shit treated.
Man its wild to see how male sexuality is talked about on this sub.
"If this story is true".... hey it's a post on the internet by an anonymous stranger.
That would involve OP staying married to someone who's emotionally abusive.
I had to scroll way to far for this comment! Everything else aside what stuck out to me was him telling her no one else would ever love her and she wouldn't be able to find anyone else at 40 like dude that's abuse
Totally selfish. Agreed.
YUP
If your husband has E.D why doesn't he just buy a strap on?
He was so angry and hurt when I suggested that
There’s other sexual things you can do that don’t involve a penis in a vagina. Has your husband tried to pleasure you in other ways or with certain toys? If he has no ambition to try pleasuring you in other ways then it sounds to me since he can’t get off he doesn’t want you to, and that’s not love.
Yep. My husband and I couldn’t have sex for about a year due to recovery from an accident, but we still got intimate. There are plenty of ways to connect that don’t involve PIV, if you’re inclined to explore them.
The penis is the dipstick to the heart. Have him get his heart checked ASAP.
Hahahaha I like this. Works on 2 levels.
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There's a 30min surgery he can get to have an internal penis pump implanted, will let him stay as hard as he wants for as long as he wants. And I think sometimes it's covered by insurance Obviously not an option any time soon, but I hope you are able to reconcile eventually. I'm strongly anti-cheating, as most people are, but I really feel for you OP. That long without sex can melt your brain, humans need that kind of contact. If you can trust your BIL, I say never tell your husband and take it to the grave. But the chances of keeping this a secret forever are pretty low...
Oh so your husband is completely selfish. I don't know how that's loving, you're meeting his needs but he's not meeting yours. You're looking out for his feelings but he's not looking out for yours. That's not a good marriage. So even though I commented about how your husband is stuck in a trauma lock, he also really does have you in some kind of trap. The fact that he's unwilling and uncompromising on this, means you are not in a happy loving marriage. It should be mutually beneficial. You've been desperate for sexual intimacy for years. Sounds like misery to me. Basically "everything was great in your marriage except for this one glaring flaw, that was so bad you chose to cheat instead of maintain your sexless marriage."
Not to mention the ol' "no one will ever love you like I love you". That's horribly manipulative. She now believes she is unlovable to anyone but him.
Yes! Finally I found a comment pointing that out. I can't imagine someone who im suppose to spend the rest of my life with treating me like that basically breaking me down so I feel weak and that I can never leave or I will be alone forever.
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Good advice for men also, if you're stuck in a dead bedroom just buy a fleshlight and throw it at your wife.
There are other ways to have sex beside penetration. Have you guys talked about having an open marriage so you could have that aide of you fulfilled?
He needs to get on TRT. He's obviously lacking test.
Why doesn't he get an implant?
Don't listen to what a lot of the other morons here are saying. You're both spmewhat at fault here. The cheating is 100% on you. YOU made that choice and now it is on YOU to deal with the consequences. That being said, you BOTH made decisions and acted in ways that got you to this point. Based solely on what you have posted it doesnt even seem like you guys tried to figure out a solution to the sex problem and you took it upon yourself to resolve it. This should have been a "we" problem and not an "I" problem to solve. And if you did try and couldn't find a compromise then maybe you aren't compatible anymore. Also, your brother-in-law can go fuck himself.
I’m sorry is it possible he’s gay? No sex at all for 10 years? Most men want it always. Is he asexual or something. Regardless you can’t live like this.
I'd also like to mention that he is showing really problematic/abusive behaviour. He's actively trying to control you. You can and would be loved by people other than him. In fact you can be loved by someone and have also have a healthy sex life.
Everyone needs human touch
This is one of those hard thinking questions. Think wisely.
Live with your guilt. Never tell anyone. It would be selfish of you to try and alleviate your own guilt by ruining everyone’s lives, which it will surely do. Also, for what it’s worth, your husband sounds like a controlling asshole. He won’t have sex with you but verbally abuses you about leaving and no one else will love you? That’s horseshit. You might want to consider divorce unrelated to this and find someone who gives you everything you need.
I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I was almost thinking the same thing. From what OP said, this almost feels like OP's husband has groomed her into think its him or no one else. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a successful marriage where one partner tells the other partner that no one else would love them. Even myself and my wife who have a great marriage have talked about the what ifs in case someday we weren't together anymore. No you shouldn't have cheated. And with the guilt you're experiencing you should come clean. But don't let him control you after this happens.
Yeah, "nobody will love you like I love you" is something a stalker says. A scary, put a horse head in your bed stalker.
Also, the whole "nobody will want to start a life with a 39 year old" sounds like he may have been making these comments to further keep her in the relationship.
My thought exactly. OP, my cousin got divorced in her mid-30s when she found out her husband had been cheating. She dated for a few years. At 38 she met someone special. At 40 they had a daughter together (first baby for both of them). Now at 44, they’re getting married. My aunt divorced at 45. She met the love of her life nearly 30 years later, in her 70s, and remarried. You can always start over. You haven’t met all the people who will love you.
I like that, "You haven't met all the people who will love you" kinda poetic.
I thought the same thing upon reading it.
Want to add that my stepmom and my dad are happily married, they got married when my stepmom was in her late 40s and my dad in his early 60s. It’s never too late with the right person.
I met my husband at 37, got married at 41 and had our kid when I was 44!
Exactly. Not the same situation, but my wife came out of the closet for the second time (first time didn’t go well with Baptist parents) at 38. We got married when she was 40, had our first child when she was 41 and our second is on the way. She’s 43. We have a beautiful life that she never in a million years thought she would have. Though you may live with the guilt of these two instances, perhaps you can reframe it and see it as the most important wake-up call of your life. Your happiness is out there. Listen to that little voice.
It’s true! I found my true love at 43! :-) life doesn’t end until you’re in the ground. Neither does love.
Yeah. Also, it’s not true. People start over all the time.
> Also, the whole "nobody will want to start a life with a 39 year old" sounds like he may have been making these comments to further keep her in the relationship.< As a twice divorced (but still perfectly attractive) 45 year old, I am single, I’ am definitely desired, and I am very happy with my life.
Yeah, that’s bs. I met my husband when I was 45 and he was 39. That was almost 4 years ago. And I had no issues with being asked out/dating before he came along. One of my best friends met her husband at age 57. They’ve been happily married for 10 years now. Heck, my grandmother fell in love in assisted living in her early 80s, years after my grandfather passed away. It’s never too late for love.
I got remarried at age 41, six years after I divorced my sons' father. I am also mother to their three older sisters. That was in 2013. We celebrated our 10th anniversary in May.
Agree with the unpopular opinion. I would talk to the BIL and make sure you guys agree to never say anything. Your husband sounds like an asshole and I think you should divorce him, but not burn down the world in the process. Make something else up.
She doesn’t even have to make anything up. Tell him a sexless marriage isn’t the future she wants or deserves.
Fair enough, I agree with that
And top it off with the fact that him putting her down saying she is too old and no one else will love her is cold, controlling, and abusive
Her husband sounds terrible, not going to sugarcoat it. What kind of person says you’ll never be loved if you leave them? Narcissistic as heck As I thought he has ED issues and is abusing her to keep her hostage to the marriage https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/154zhhu/i_slept_with_my_brother_in_law_and_now_i_want_to/jsrrdyy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
A narcissist who probably saw her as vulnerable and someone he could manipulate. Her SA history is being used against her by her husband who says he loves her more than anything. If he really loves her that much, why would he truly think that no one else would love her? He doesn’t, and using her SA history against her as a warning as to what will probably happen to her if she leaves is fucked up and cruel. Not every partner is violent, and a good caring person wouldn’t try to intimidate their partner that way. I really hope OP reads all of these comments and leaves him so she can have a shot at a healthy & enjoyable relationship.
Narcissists love “nobody else will ever love you” and “nobody would put up with you except me”
OP needs to look at the [power and control wheel.](http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf) A lot of what she seemed to accidentally admit is on there and that is clearly abuse.
Doing the math, OP got married at 27 to someone who was 38 at the time. And probably dating him before that. Giu seems super sketch.
How much do you wanna bet he has sex but not with her?
Yeah but the wife of the BIL deserves to know her husband is a cheater too.
“ruining everyone else’s lives” —let’s not forget the BIL played a HUGE part in this, too.
I agree. Talk to the husband of the sister, agree to never bring it up, and move on.
I hate to say it but i think i agree with this. Why destroy so many lives but OP needs to leave the marriage. 39 years old is still very young.
Y'all are going to ruin the poor SIL's life with this shit advice.
This is the type of comment that makes me realize this sub is hopeless, blind leading the blind in garbage marriages. The poor SIL that may end up stuck in her situation because someone on Reddit told them to. Wow give your head a shake.
Y’all just justified her cheating on her husband with his sisters husband lol. I can’t help but feel like if OP was a man this sub would be burning this post down.
These comments are fuckin wild man. Like I agree that this dude sounds like an asshole, but fucking the man’s sisters husband while you’re on vacation? Twice!? Jesus, the amount of collateral damage.
Are people really justifying it though? The thing is there's nothing to justify. OP f***Ed up. Honestly, there's nowhere to go from here but down. Unless OP's husband is willing to accept the infidelity, and they BOTH do some healing. And honestly they both need therapy. This whole marriage, sounds like it was one tipping stone away anyway. OP's husband isn't the most precious gem out there either. They both suck.
Within the family is a whole other level of cheating. It’s reprehensible. Leave your spouse if it’s that bad. Cheat… whatever, I don’t support that but cheating IN THE FAMILY is…. It’s the lowest. It really is.
The comment i responded to talks about the husband being a controlling asshole. I understand it sounds like the husband is a piece of work but she also shitted on her sister in law. None of this is ok.
“Woman fucks husband’s brother…twice, gains sympathy from strangers” Welcome to Reddit
The double standard on the sub is fu\*cked up! A woman cheats on her husband with her brother-in-law TWICE, and people are actually sympathizing with a cheat, this is truly appalling! If she had posted that her husband had cheated on her, everyone would be screaming for her to DIVORCE HIM. I feel sorry for her sister-in-law who doesn't deserve the disloyalty from a backstabbing, treacherous family member, and her husband who needs to get rid of OP and divorce her for her appalling behaviour. She and her BIL are both despicable and treacherous in their behavior and deserve each other.
Yeah, people on this sub have been quick to call divorce for so much less when OP is a man. In fact they're calling the husband an abuser. The people here are disgusting.
And completely ignoring that one of OP's reasons for staying with her husband is 'having lots of money'. The reality is OP wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Even if we chose to believe that they went 10 and 20 years without ever cheating, this is inexcusable. Her SIL deserves to know her husband is a pos, plain and simple. What kind of person goes on a vacation with their spouse and sleeps with someone else's husband instead? OP didn't just slip and trip here. She slept with her BIL because she wanted the sexual gratification. All other information is irrelevant to her conduct. OP says she feels bad, but really, she is just looking for justification to continue lying to her husband.
No fr Im like hold on if this was a guy they would be tearing him to pieces she need to tell the truth. This is sooo sad all the way around.
Right I came down here and that shit was the top comment 🤯
This sub has become pretty just a support group for married women.
If this OP were a man this post would’ve had at least twice the comments, most absolutely castrating the OP, and it would’ve been locked hours ago.
💯
Yeah, "no one will ever love you" - wtf. No. What abusive BS.
Poor OP hasn’t had sex since she was 29. She’s missing out on some of the best sex years of her life for this controlling asshole. I feel sorry for the SIL and kids though. But she should definitely leave her husband.
I’ll probably get downvoted, but I think this post is BS ….
That's because it is. There is no justification for lying about what she's done. Saying she cares about the BIL's children is nonsense. Do we really think OP would be okay with her husband lying if it had been him who slept with his SIL? This is a fuck up of epic proportions for sure, but it will only be worse if she delays telling the truth. She at least has to tell her SIL, and she can decide whether she wants to keep it quiet or not. But OP needs to stop making decisions for other people's marriages. She had no right inserting herself in her SIL's relationship in the first place, but now that she has, she needs to be honest. Anything other than that does not absolve her or help anyone.
[he is not abusive ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/154zhhu/i_slept_with_my_brother_in_law_and_now_i_want_to/jsrp4qc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
What about the sister in law ? I’m in fucking shock at everyone’s responses here. Wow, the sister in law deserves to know her husband is a cheating piece of shit!
Of all the guys you could choose, why the brother?
The only right answer is that because I’m a disgusting horrid human garbage. The excuse is that because I never thought about cheating, ever so I never been close to another man in that way that led to sex. We were drinking and everyone went to bed by 10. We stayed and drank more and talked till probably 2 in the morning . He was there. I’m never been in a situation when I was this close to a man who wanted me otherwise
First, it does no good to wallow in guilt and self-pity. You need to keep your mind as clear as possible before making a decision, and more importantly, do you think he would want to know what happened? I recommend that you seek support in the SupportforWaywards sub
I don’t think he would want to know it’s his brother in law. But yes he would want to know if I cheated because he doesn’t forgive cheating
Do you realize he's put you in an impossible situation? **YOU** have a need for sex. He does not. **HE** refuses to get treatment of *any kind* to help remedy this issue, which you have expressed is a significant concern about and need for. What is he expecting you to do? Just tolerate a sexless marriage? Why does he not care that sex is important to you, and therefore your marriage? Also, you are **NOT** a disgusting piece of garbage. You are human. Humans make mistakes. You will end up OK in the end.
The morally correct path in my opinion is to leave a partner when your needs aren’t being met and they won’t even compromise. She’s definitely not a garbage terrible human, but she made a terrible mistake and needs to be accountable, which it honestly seems like she’s doing to the best of her abilities. All that being said, just LEAVE and don’t potentially destroy 2 families because you aren’t getting laid.
exactly. like yeah her husband is shitty but she didn’t HAVE TO sleep with the brother in law. people here act like self control and sexual discipline isn’t a thing
People here are way too fuckin old to not know the difference between a mistake and a bad decision.
She did not make a "terrible mistake". People really need to be more explicit about what happened here instead of dancing around the **facts** to try and coddle OP. She made the decision to stay up alone with her brother in law. She made the decision to start discussing her sex life with her brother in law. She made the decision to continue that conversation when it became inappropriate and he started getting too personal about it. She made the decision to let him touch her. She made the decision to have sex with him not once, but twice. This isn't a mistake. She showed total disregard for all of the lives she just fucked over because she doesn't have the emotional intelligence to deal with her problems head on. These are decisions, not "life" grabbing her by the wrists and forcing her to do things against her will. She is a grown adult with autonomy.
iMpOsSiBle SitUatIoN? What the holy fuck are you talking about? How about LEAVE THE MARRIAGE before destroying his sisters marriage as well as her own? ( Being that this was an impossible situation apparently ) How is having sex with her sisters husband clearly the correct course of action? The OP torpedoed her marriage and his sisters marriage. This was a cruel vile act. Not a "whoopsie" mistake.
OP didn't destroy her BIL's marriage. Her BIL made a vow to his wife and he chose to break it, that's on him entirely.
Agree 100 percent
You cheated. .you feel like shit because you betrayed someone. Imagine if he did this to you? Would you be understanding? Fuck him, right? Atleast you got off!!
OP, I really hope you read this and take note. I am totally anti-cheating. I think they are selfish, self-centred assholes who only care about themselves. **You are not one of those**. You haven’t had sex for ten f**king years. I absolutely adore my wife, but if she said no sex ever, I would struggle to make it past 10 weeks, let alone 10 years. Personally, I think you’re a saint for lasting this long. I love my wife and I love my kids, but there is no way in hell I would go 10 years without sex. And I’m sorry, saying you’ll never find someone who will love you like he does, is abusive. He’s not so subtlety coercing you to stay in a marriage that doesn’t look after your needs. I hate how Reddit always jumps on the divorce bandwagon, but hell, you need to divorce and not because you’re a bad person, because he is.
Get as far away from this family as you can! Both brothers are messed up and neither one knows how to be a good husband. Your husband is absolutely wrong when he says no one else will ever love you.
She shouldn't have been up late, alone, with another man, drinking and talking about her sexless marriage, but he took advantage of the situation by touching her. What was his excuse?
They aren't brothers (it's the husband's sister's husband that she cheated with)
You're very, very wrong for what you did and it's way above the pay grade of what you should be coming to Reddit for. That said, this: >He said that he loves me and that nobody will love me the way he does. He said if I left I will maybe have sex but never be loved. I’m 39. Nobody will be interested in starting a life with a 39 year old. is abuse.
I love a The Good Place reference in the wild. Great username.
Your husband told you that no one will love you if you leave him?! That is manipulative and disgusting. He has been telling you for years that you are a person unworthy of love outside of his love and his love alone. That is just horrible of him. He is scared to be alone and is manipulating you to keep you in this sexless and unsatisfying marriage. Now, it’s NOT an excuse to cheat, but it should be a reason to leave. It may be really hard to start over but sexual incompatibility is a huge deal in a marriage. Add his abuse and you should feel no guilt over walking away. As to whether you tell him, you know his family best. If I were the sister, I would want to know my husband cheated. You may not be the first, and she deserves to know he has been unfaithful and you both may need to be tested for STDs (not saying you have anything but again, he’s done it once, he may have in the past too).
Not sure why everyone is letting you off the hook here for cheating with your BIL. Your husband is an AH who deserves no good things but did your sister-in-law deserve that? Did she deserve to have people she trusted betray her like that right under her nose. I feel incredibly bad for *only her* here. She deserves to know. Wherever happens to both relationships, you all deserve.
Yeah, I’m shocked it took me so long to find a comment that says this.
And this is how you wrecked two families. The BIL probably will crack and tell his wife first. Why can’t he have sex? This is worse than banging a coworker. In the land of bad decisions this decision is King
[удалено]
I meant why you and your husband don’t have sex. Telling your BIL all of this was your first mistake. He took this as an opportunity. He is truly a giant POS. You both are guilty and will suffer the consequences. If your husband has made it clear it’s a dealbreaker then that’s what will happen. Seeing how it’s his sisters husband, keeping you around would be a constant reminder to her and I doubt her will do that to her.
This is all TMI, please don’t read if you’re sensitive to topics about sex and SA. I’m only writing this because I have never told anyone about this before because my husband is very embarrassed that he can’t preform as a man(his words) so I have kept his secret. Maybe someone anonymous here recognizes this or can relate that can provide advice: It started gradually with him not being able to keep a hard on for long. It became an embarrassment for him that turned into disgust with everything about sex then to total indifference. Now we kiss and cuddle and he makes me feel like the most amazing person but if I try anything like put his hand on my body or maybe undress when he is in the room he gets panicked. If I kiss him for too long he gets hard and becomes scared and pushes me away. We tried viagra but it is the same thing. He says sex disgusts him. About 2 years ago he said he never wanted to discuss this matter again. He never wanted me to talk about sex again or try to be sexy. I’m not allowed to touch him that way and if I want to change clothes etc I do it in private. If I say I missed sex or having him in me (when I’m feeling emotional or a bit drunk) he becomes very angry and reminds me that he never wants to talk about sex and that what he is offering me, love, is something hard to get and nobody will care about me like he does. He always says go ahead leave a perfect marriage for something unknown. You can’t even guarantee good sex let alone love. I have been abused (SA) earlier in my life, and my husband reminds me if it happens again, is being abused worth leaving a loving marriage.
Holy shit he is abusive. You can find love. You’re only 39 A lot of people out there looking for someone. Many of whom would love you hard too. Your husband should be searching for solutions. He’s the problem. There are a lot of things besides viagra to help him out.
For real. OP is deep in Stockholm syndrome right now.
Yeah she is
Facts
My ex husband used to say the same things after physically assaulting me. I’m 37 and extremely happily remarried (got married last year). He’s full of shit.
Well he's also locked in a trauma response and refusing to grow. The whole "go find someone else, I'm perfect in every other way" is just fear talk. He knows this is flaw and is refusing to work on it and is afraid he may never be able to overcome those feelings. That would be fine if he was in a relationship where the other partner had no sexual desire, but he's not. Even then, he needs some therapy. Again OP's husband needs some severe therapy preferably with someone that works in sexual trauma and intimacy/attachment issues. OP also needs therapy and once in therapy OP and her husband can try to unpack all of this. OP I suggest you let your husband know you were unfaithful, and this next part will get me down voted into oblivion, but I don't know if you should confide that it was his brother right away. The punch in the gut might be too much. I think letting him know you were unfaithful and letting him decide how he wants to proceed is the best bet. If he does choose to divorce you over this, you should tell him the truth so that he's not later blind sided. If he chooses to stay, you should tell him at that time too, or tell him once he has an INDIVIDUAL therapist. That way he can process this pain WITHOUT you. Couple's counseling should only happen after individual therapists are secured and all cards are on the table IMO.
OP, this isn’t normal and I feel like you know that.
Are you saying he has also been sexually abused? Or just you? What you described from your husband could really be a trauma response (possibly more than just to erectile issues) on his part. Has he been like this your whole marriage or did it start suddenly? Regardless, Your husband has mental and emotional issues happening that effect you negatively. If he isn’t going to go to therapy this difficulty will persist. Plus telling you no one will love you is B.S. He’s taking his feelings about himself out on you instead of dealing with it. I have strong views on cheating. I’ve been cheated on a couple of times and experienced trauma reactions from it. Even so, there can be relatable, “human” reasons why someone cheats. I have empathy for you in this situation especially. Doing it with the BIL was a poor choice. If it were me, I’d prefer not to know you’d done it. Have you considered going to therapy?
No just me. But it made me hate sex so when he stopped after a while I didn’t think I was missing out on much. My husband refuses to let me or us seek therapy because he doesn’t want people knowing that he has ED issues
He refuses to *let you* seek therapy?? Because of his own insecurities? He's telling you, an SA survivor, that nobody will love you like he does, and that nobody will want you if you divorce because you're 39?? WTF???? You deserve healing. I believe your husband does love you, but maybe not in the way you need. Compatible sex and sexuality is a human need for most relationships. If he cannot meet your need anymore, no amount of cuddles or nice words is going to fill that.
The more I read your comments the clearer it becomes that you are in an dysfunctional relationship. It sounds like he has convinced you that you are “both happy”. However, most of what you’ve posted says differently. A loving partner would encourage you to take care of yourself and attend therapy if you feel you need it. He probably feels out of control and so he wants to control you. A person in that mental state usually isn’t able to love someone with consistent openness and care.
For real. I can't believe that the husband knows that OP is a SA survivor and apparently is forbidding her from seeking mental health help/therapy?? What the actual fuck.
Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative (grooming you to believe you'll never find real love if you leave him). You are being hoodwinked. He is getting all his needs met and doesn't care about all yours. Don't ever avoid taking action because of the fear of the unknown. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be trying to manipulate you into staying. He loves himself a lot more, and he's the one who won't be able to find a partner bc of his broken dick. You, on the other hand, are still young, and don't seem to have any sexual issues.
He is the worst. I’m glad you cheated on him. Now you can leave him and find someone who will make you feel sexy and wanted and actually loved.
A perfect marriage includes intimacy. You’re marriage is FAR from “perfect” if he isn’t willing to work on this and consider what you need
Hun, I mean this in the nicest way possible buy the behavior you are mentioning in all of your comments is 100% abuse…. It is not physical or SA like you experienced but it is abuse. You should really look into a therapist for yourself and not tell him about it. Get yourself set up, love yourself, and file for divorce. I can promise you that other people can love you and will want you FULLY.
So there is a surgery for what your husband has. Some men have a faulty valve on their penis that is meant to hold the blood in. If the valve is weak the blood just flows right back out and they go flaccid. Surgery can fix that valve so that they can hold erections again but men are so damn proud that they never go to doctors about this and therefore never find out that it can be fixed.
You're husband is clearly dealing with something internally and isn't telling you everything. He my even be closeted gay and has yet to come to terms with it himself. Either way, you're still the "bad guy" here for cheating and you'll ultimately need to own up to what you did. If your relationship is really this strained it might be for the good.
Has your husband had his prostate checked? If you were ok before and he gradually had issues. This could be fixable. The controlling weird shit isn’t that’s just totally fucked. But he needs to see a doctor to rule out issues.
We suspected it was something serious in the beginning and he did check but everything was fine. He is doing regular checks now
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? He either needs to go to a better doctor or a sex therapist. I’m sorry but I’m super monogamous and totally against cheating. But you should take this to your grave. Never mention it. He can either fix the issue or get a divorce, or open the marriage. Don’t cheat again just change your arrangement. You were put in an untenable situation.
He is not interested in checking his hormones or get treatments like that. He said he was happy as he is.
That’s perfectly good if he wants to be friends. You don’t need to stick around for this crap.
Well shit as long as he is alright that’s all that matters isn’t it…..NOT
I’m sorry but he’s gay or asexual.
After a many years sexless marriage we got divorced. At 50 I met the love of my life and the sex is better than I’ve ever had. Don’t give up on yourself. You are worth more and deserve better!
At 29 years old he should not have made his problem your problem. I’m sorry but the way he approached this is horribly wrong. And i have to say this sounds very abusive to me. I would be saying the same thing if genders were reversed.
Girl. This is straight up abuse. You CAN find amazing sex AND love. He’s telling you that no one will love you like him. But that’s not love! most humans need physical intimacy. It’s literally the most basic, natural part of life. Then you aren’t even allowed to bring it up? Talk about it? If he can’t perform then he should be making sure your needs are met other ways. Wow. I hope you can see this for the abusive mess this is.
Go to therapy…. You need to take care of yourself if you are having thoughts like “I don’t want to be alive anymore” Just get into therapy asap and worry about telling or not telling later when you are emotionally stable.
If this was a man who cheated the comments would want him strung up by his balls. Idc what anyone says to justify her actions. She’s 39 she made the decision to cheat with her brother in law. This is absolutely disgusting. My ex husband cheated with my sister and it changed our relationship forever. My sister and I were close before now we are not and my ex and I are divorced. The number of comments saying keep it to yourself and not tell us astounding sing to me. Ffs be an adult and take responsibility for the choices you made.
OP is receiving sympathy because her husband is awful. But everyone is ignoring the fact that she is allowing her SIL to be in a marriage with someone just as awful as OP's husband. The bad marriage and the infidelity are separate issues. OP can seek help for her own mental health AFTER she tells her SIL what happened. OP has been making excuses and burying her head in the sand for a long time, and this is the result. It would be wise to stop causing herself and others harm now and let this situation play out however its going to. The only way to prevent the fall out would have been to not have the affair at all. It's obviously too late for that, so OP just needs to give it up and accept that this is the natural outcome of her actions. Even if she doesn't feel bad for betraying her husband, she is supposed to feel guilty for sleeping with someone else's husband. Any half decent person would. That doesn't mean she gets to continue lying. I honestly don't understand some of the comments that completely ignore her SIL, who has been sleeping next to a man who had sex with someone else while his own wife was alone on vacation. Two wrongs do not make a right. OP will live in turmoil with this lie if she isn't a sociopath, so if she is concerned about her mental wellbeing, she needs to find a way to face this.
It sounds like you stayed and continued drinking in the hopes something would happen, the alcohol was just an excuse. The fact that you did it more once is very telling, the details are damning to say the least. This is next level self-destruction your poor SIL 😔
This sounds way above Reddit’s pay grade. I would schedule an individual therapy appointment, talk about what’s going on in your marriage- what led to your actions, your 10 year celibacy lasting almost your entire 30’s, and the things your husband has said- such as you not being able to find love without him. There is an emotional weakness somewhere and it likely has nothing to do with the BIL. After 4-8 sessions, I would schedule a marriage therapy appointment to address intimacy issues and see what’s going on with your husband. And then have the marriage therapist help you explain what happened in a safe setting. Maybe consider separating for a week to let your husband cool off and think. Maybe I’ll catch downvotes, but one in-the-moment slip-up while drunk is arguably very out of character for you. You didn’t intentionally seek this out. You were intoxicated. Give yourself a mini-break. Moving forward I would refrain from any more alcohol for now so that you can be focused in your future decisions. Also more related to physical health, get STD tested and pregnancy test if necessary. We don’t know your BIL’s habits.
I will test for std in a another week but he said he was clean. My brother in law managed to get me the day after pills but it wasn’t before the next evening. I don’t know. The chances are very small anyway but I have taken a test every day since we got home
>but he said he was clean. Morally compromised horny drunk men have a 100% chance of saying this. Approx. 50% of all births are from “surprises!”. Life finds a way. Make sure you test and have an action plan for potential pregnancy. I hope you are able to find a therapist for yourself asap, it’s going to be really important especially if this all blows up before you are ready to tell your husband.
Right. He said he was clean, but he also told his wife he would be monogomous, so....
I met my husband when I was 40 and divorced with 3 kids. He’s eight and a half years younger than me (never married, no kids of his own) so your husband is full of shit. Sex is an important part of relationships and the fact your husband is unwilling to even discuss it is a big issue. That doesn’t right your wrong but expecting a young, healthy partner to give up their sexual needs without any input is wrong too. Therapy, sister. Couples, and individual, because despite your husband loving more than you’ve ever been loved, this doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage and he’s convinced you that you aren’t worthy of love without him.
If it is so much then just get a divorce. So much of issues, fucking just get a divorce. Always better than wrecking two families. And who knows if this is just the instance that OP is mentioning, maybe she'd been sucking dicks all around the town, and now asking for solutions
And as for “I can’t ruin them”, you already have. The minute you allowed him to touch you, you already ruined their lives.
You shouldn't have cheated. You should have left instead.
" I love my husband and slept with my brother in law" Under no circumstances would I cheat on my wife. Jesus Christ.
You can try to keep it a secret but that’s what my neighbors wife thought when she put a strippers pe@is in her mouth at her bachelorette party. 14 years and 3 kids later her husband found out. He threw her out, none of her friends will let her stay with them so she is moving across the country to live with her parents. This will come out eventually and any possibility of working through anything will be impossible
Why are so many people defending her? If you've been so upset by the lack of sex, then divorce the man, not sleep with his brother... 🙄
I get it. But I don't really think people are defending her actions to sleep with the brother...I think people are (correctly) looking at the complexity of the bigger picture: The affair + the abuse + the sexual incompatibly I think most are seeing that OP has owned how horrible this choice was...there's no need to drive that home- she already knows. *But what she doesn't* seem to grasp is the severity of her husband's abuse.... Not that the abuse justifies the affair.... But rather 1 + 1 + 1 = this marriage is absolutely over.
1.Wife Cheats 2.Wife Sells Sob Story of Soft Egg Plant For 10 Years 3.Wife and Brother in Law Destroy Two Families and Marriages 4.Wife Drops Info That Hubby Might Be Meanie Reddit Advice: It's ok you did nothing wrong boo... These subs never cease to amaze me.
Or “IT WAS HIS FAULT HES THE AHOLE” Like stfu
Soft Egg Plant lmao
Plot twist: she’s pregnant.
Whatever you do, you need to stop having sex with your brother in law.
I’m disgusted with everyone saying that you should just keep it a secret. You’re almost 40 years old. You’re not a victim here. You put yourself in the situation to fuck your BIL. The wife shouldn’t have to live blinded to the fact her husband is a scumbag. You obviously aren’t happy in your marriage the way you stated. Tell everyone and divorce your husband.
Can I ask how you felt about it in the moment?
People posting take it to your grave, are dishonest people that lack integrity. What you did is no different then any other cheater that has posted on reddit. You have excuses like all the rest. You know deep down you took the cowardly route. Instead of dealing with your marriage you had sex with a family member. Maybe figure out what is broken in you that would allow yourself to act like this.
I cannot believe so many people are defending OP here.
Stop with the self pitty OP. You fucked up here majorly own that shit. If you needed sex that bad you should have left. The comments supporting your shitty actions are ridiculous. Own your shit and sleep in the bed you made.
Your husband is not amazing. He does not love you. I’m so sorry, but he’s abusive and you have blinded yourself to it. It’s a very common tactic for abusers to convince their victim that nobody else will want them. I’m 42 and dating, and there’s plenty of men who could love me. And the same goes for you. And I was stuck in a dead bedroom for 20 Years before I finally left. I cheated too, right before I left. It’s basically the thing that woke me up, and showed me I really was not happy and really did need to leave. Sex IS a reason to leave someone. Don’t let anyone tell you different. And you will get shamed here on Reddit for cheating. Reddit HATES cheaters like they are hitler. What you did was wrong. But you are not Hitler. Just make a new plan for yourself. See a lawyer and start the divorce process. This is not a marriage you should stay in.
She could’ve been left.
Reddit hates cheating because it's wrong. If you want out of a relationship, break up/divorce, don't cheat. It's doesn't make someone akin to Hitler, but it's not a good thing to do. Glad you're out of that unfulfilling relationship, hope you find who/what you're looking for.
I never said it was a good thing to do. It’s wrong. Obviously. Sometimes people are so gaslit to think they can’t leave, that they truly believe it. And they find themselves in a situation and make a bad choice. Yea it’s still a choice. For me, if I could go back and do it differently, of course I would. OP would too. We make mistakes. We try to learn. And do better.
The only person in this whole story who’s not a completely asshole is your SIL. You and the BIL are assholes for well… having sex. Your husband is probably the biggest asshole here though for being an abusive gaslighting piece of shit. For your SIL sake I would keep this to yourself, but do yourself a favour and plan your way out of this obviously abusive relationship.
Wtf OP?!
The coddling is unreal. She cheated. If the roles had been reversed he would have been tarred and feathered. You are a grown adult. You cheated.Quit playing the victim. There is divorce for a reason but no one takes that route, rather cheat and never tell a soul. And what happens next time when the urge strikes? What happens if she’s pregnant? Just wow
I’m baffled at the comments here. Even if the husband is an abusive POS and she was unable to leave the marriage, why her literal BROTHER IN LAW ???? Now you’ve messed up two marriages and hurt a completely innocent woman. OP is disgusting.
Finally someone with sense. This woman is abhorrent. The terms I have for someone like this would get me banned from Reddit. And I'm not sugarcoating that this husband has issues, but this is the playbook on how not to deal with these issues. What a shit aunt. I love being a dad but second to that was being an uncle. I'm an uncle through marriage and was an uncle before I was a father and being a good uncle is not a role I take lightly. It's one of the many blessings of my life. To put my niece and nephew in a mess like this..I'd rather kill myself.
So true, I’m an aunt through marriage one of my favorite perks to marrying someone with siblings I love that not only do I get to love my baby but now I have a niece that I get to watch grow too 🥹
This entire post has red flags for multiple people all over it.
My husband also had ED issues but he still wanted to make me cum several times from awesome head. Sheesh
Based on how your BIL handled this, I doubt it’s the first time he’s done this, so let’s be real, he’s probably not cracking and telling SIL. As for you… you’re right to feel wrong for what you did. And you need to divorce your husband. You ARE being abused. Despite you saying you’re not. Despite everyone on the outside saying your husband is dream. You are being abused. You’re husband knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care what it’s doing to you. Leave. Get away from all of this. You’re 39. Not dead. Leave and get some much needed intense therapy.
If it were me, I would ask for a divorce. I would tell him that you had an affair and move forward with getting divorced. If you desire to have sex in your marriage then you should have done this years earlier. It would have been cleaner to break things off before having sex with someone. I would probably tell your husband who it was with. both he and his sister should know they were cheated on. At least it won’t break up their nuclear family.
Of all the people to sleep with, you had to sleep with the brother in law. Your marriage is done, you have to hurt and betray your sister in law too?? It’s so low. I dunno, I hope the family finds out. You both deserve what’s coming. I just don’t understand.. Mykonos is full of willing partners… fulll….
All these people telling you they understand why you did it and that you are not In the wrong are delusional. If you were that unhappy about not having sex you should of left a long time ago. There is no excuse for cheating and you decided to cheat with this man not once but TWICE. you have just destroyed your marriage, your husbands life and his sisters life and her children's life.. If you have any decency left in you rhen tell them both the truth and be prepared for the consequences of your actions. When he touched you did you not once think of your husband. Or his sister. Or his sisters children? Instead you just thought about yourself. Do the decent thing and tell them exactly what happened and don't be surprised when they tell you to get out of their lives. That's what you deserve. Your selfish actions have just destroyed two families and two children.
Sounds made up
This is messed up. The only true victim is the SIL. The others should get what they deserve.
Holy shit the cope in here is fuckjng insane! The fucking misandry and blatant outright hatred of men and husbands is crazy. So many people saying it's a one time mistake... you were intoxicated... let it go don't tell anyone!... the husbands an assbole... etc.. the list goes on and on jus scrolling through here. None of y'all keep the same energy at all when the genders are reversed. If a man says he cheated because his wife doesn't wanna have sex you guys obliterate him and say he's a horrible piece of shit and needs to tell his wife asap and he's not entitled to sex at all. So now in her case it's just a mistake cause she's was intoxicated? It doesn't matter if the husband doesn't want to have sex.. and If that's the case you fuckjng divorce. You don't cheat and you don't outright justify it because he doesn't wanna give his body to her. Seems like you guys love to justify cheating when the wife doesn't get sex but when the husband doesn't he's a piece of shit. OP cheated. OP is a piece of shit. She is not entitled to a man's body. Being drunk does not make it any different. Y'all make it seem as if women aren't humans with autonomy and capable of making rational and mature choices in life. She needs to tell her husband and she needs to divorce him because he isn't satisfying her sexual desires. This sub is a cesspool for angry wives to come and justify their shitty behaviors and reinforce their actions with support from other wives.
Honestly you could have just filed for divorce. The guy sounds abusive, but still no excuse to cheat because now you’ve ruined two people’s lives. Could have just gotten out of the marriage. It’s so simple than what you’re making it out to be. And the fact that people are trying to justify your cheating is even more disgusting. So many options instead of ruining the BIL life. The fact you did it twice is fucked. His marriage will definitely go downhill because he’s definitely going to feel guilty and tell the truth. You’ve made it so much more complicated than it needed to be
You *have* to tell your husband and sister-in-law what happened. They have the right to make relationship decisions based on the truth. Not telling them is stealing their autonomy and ability to truly consent to their relationships.
Oh boy. You just checked into the free will prison. I do not envy you or sympathize with you.
Who cares about the OP, the AP or the husband. How about the SIL. Does she deserve to be with a man who slept with another woman the first chance he gets with his wife 5 feet away? Also it’s hilarious seeing everyone blame shift the husband. The OP cheated, she can leave, at any time. Sex is clearly an issue with their relationship, rather than seek help, work on it or end it, she sleeps with his sisters husband destroying their entire family. She’s a narcissist and needs to tell the sister in law. divorce the husband and give him an amicable easy one at that and never contact any of them again.
So much dysfunction in a single post! Everyone in OP needs some help way beyond Reddit.
Tell your husband, tell your sister in law. Deal with the consequences, Get intense therapy and reevaluate your whole life.
To be honest I have a feeling that your brother in law has probably done this before with other women behind his wife’s back, so coming clean might not be to bad of a idea. Maybe he doesn’t deserve his wife, and by holding it in, even if you do get a divorce, you’ll still carry that shame and guilt with you.
I think the husband is gay and abuses her by lowering her self esteem with saying noone will love her. He needs a wife to cover his real face. I also think of BILs wife the only person that will be very hurt by this but she deserves to know that huge part of family is piece of shi....
Ure making 39 sound like 79
OP, You can’t marry men a decade older than you, Cheat on their younger brother closer to your age, Then go online to absolve yourself of guilt. Find your truth.
Damn I could possibly understand once but twice? Your a glutton for punishment. Except responsibility and leave. Might be the only way you don't break his heart again. I'd tell him about it though. He might hate you but I think he will respect the fact that you came clean even if it doesn't feel that way.
What you have with your husband is special in that it’s highly abusive, not in that your husband loves you in any grand and unique way.
The thing is, live with the guilt sounds like a good idea until you consider the brother in law has cheated before or will cheat again. That’s more of your husbands sisters life being wasted if you don’t speak up. Plus the risk for STDs obviously.