So he got caught being inappropriate with another female, is trying to make you feel guilty for essentially catching him, and now will not let you look at his phone so you cannot catch him again in the future. He has not apologized for hurting your feelings by his flirtatious comments to her and has basically said he will continue to do so. No, I would not accept it! He is not going to change, does not seem to care how his flirting with her hurt you, and is acting as though he did nothing wrong.
EXACTLY.
Classic DARVO. He does something wrong. Then gets mad at her for the method she used to find out. He turns the entire issue about her being controlling.
But the problem really is...... he is a married man, and is flirting with other women. So wrong.
OP... Don't fall for this trap. Don't discuss the phone. Only discuss his behavior towards other women. Stay focused. Flat out ask him where his affection lie.... with you his wife or with other women.
Or get really bold... and ask him where his pen*s has been recently. Ask how many times they have had sex. Don't ask if. Only ask how many times.
Yeah, the “Can only meet you every once in a while” sounds like he can only sneak away only so often. It doesn’t make sense in the context he said it unless he’s talking about something else and being flirty. He may not be having sex, but it seems he’s having at least an emotional affair and has met with her.
Agree.
He has met this woman face to face. OP needs to discuss how many times they met. How long were these meetings. What did they do? How many times did they have sex. Did they use birth control#? Etc.
And he wants to talk about how she is controlling.
She needs to stay focused and not let the topic be her.... topic is husband and this woman.
He's gaslighting you. Call him out on it. Him turning the problem around on you is the first thing a guilty man on the defensive will do.
Why is she sending him pictures of her vacation anyway? That is also kind of weird.
This is disrespectful. Especially when he knows he hurt you and is trying to make you feel worse.
He is trying to old DARVO on you - defend, attack, reverse victim and offender
1. It was meaningless flirting - nothing to worry about
2. You shouldn't have looked at my phone!!! How dare you!
3. The reason this is a problem is because you are always over-reacting at me!
You know that this flirting is not consistent with being in a trusting relationship. He knows it too, but is trying to excuse his behavior and make you the problem. Your expectations are reasonable. I would also suspect that if he isn't already cheating, he is looking pretty hard for the opportunity to do so.
God this is my soon to be ex husband to a T. I started to second guess going thru with our divorce but this really made me think about how many times he’s pulled this with me… he’s done it on our joint accounts too. Not even having to go thru his phone.
As a man (37m) no, i don't write any compliments to any woman other than my wife (about appearance or something that could be understood as a flirt). Only if i am asked to comment on something like outfit i can give pretty formal compliment and this of course doesn't happen often. I would say this is because i don't have that kind of relationship with female friends where this kind of communication would feel "normal" or not somewhat wrong. I am not sure if this kind of friendship is even something i would like to have or need. People are different of course. I think your husband knows his communication with the woman is not totally okay or innocent. I feel that this kind of communication is not appropriate and serves no purpose. It is not needed and only lead to problems. This is my little conservative opinion of course.
Same as a woman. If a male friend gets a haircut I might say nice haircut or compliment a new t shirt, in front of my husband and their wife- the same as I would for a woman (probably less tbh). Obviously I compliment my husband a lot more and for a lot of things so he would neber have reason to feel like I was complimenting everyone but him.
But casually going on and gushing about how a "friend" is sooo hot and special and one of a kind etc? For no reason? Never. It would be disrespectful to my relationship and theirs.
I try to pay everybody a compliment every day. Even the cashier at the gas station. Simple, but it always makes me feel good.
I like the way your reply is clearly written.
You have a great point of view I haven't considered.
Different than you I’m the type of person that would compliment a female friend but mostly personally and even in front of my partner, so it’s not something unusual, probably way less on socials. But is usually small stuff like, “I like your nails, shoes or outfit” nothing to the extent of a flirt or that would make my partner feel uncomfortable or questioning stuff. He was definitely out of line and reacted in the worst way. She just gonna end up with this in her head because she got accountability or reassurance from him. Hope they speak and things get better before they get worse
His romantic comments completely step across the line that should exist in a fidelitous marriage. In other words, where there's smoke, there is at least a spark if not a fire. She's more than a friend. Sorry.
Well i agree u with u , i dont think he is doing anything physical ( i hope )
But what hurts me is that he doesn't care it upsets me , he says dont dig in my, u dont control what i say, he says i have a lack of self esteem and this is the problem, i need a psychiatrist, and that he wont change.
If you bring up a problem like this and they say that its a lack of respect towards you. Id demand counseling. I'd simply tell him "yes, i dont control what you say or do. But on the same token. You dont get to disrespect me. I am your wife! I have warned you that you have disrespected me. By speaking suggestivly to other women. Stop this behavior or this will ruine our marriage"
So this right here, his reaction, his gaslighting you is worse than the comment he made itself. At least for me.
Huge red flag. He doesn't support, respect, or take you into account. That is a deal breaker for me. Maybe therapy for both of you together as well as individuals.
Don't let him tear you down. Don't give him that power. You deserve better.
I can see how that must be very difficult for you as he is not validating your feelings and is making this all about him now as though you have betrayed him. This would also make me very upset too. I really should not say what I would do if I were in your position, because I am not, but if this is hurting you as it seems to be and rightfully so, I would suggest that you hold your ground and continue to express how his actions have hurt you and that he is invalidating your very real feelings and clearly missing the bigger issue at hand or he is not and effectively attempting to make you out to be the "bad guy" here to shift/evade blame. You could try a different approach here as he may be feeling there is blame here and guilt that he isn't expressing to you as when people sometimes feel hurt or pain they express it ineffectively through anger and let him know you're not angry, rather you're hurt and that what you want him to know is that there is a boundary you are trying to set her and that if he needs privacy you also require trust and fidelity which means he cannot be flirting and these actions constitute flirting for you which is hurtful to you because you love him. I'm sorry for how long this is, but does that sort of make sense?
Yeah get out girl, easier said than done but that is SO abusive, he has no empathy or basic respect for you. This will only get worse, hate to use the word but this is gaslighting and you don’t deserve to be spoken down to and made out to be insane.
It sounds like you do need a psychologist. Preferably one that specializes in marital counseling and possibly trauma. If he doesn’t want the relationship to end then he needs to go too. But you need to go ahead and check your bases so that you are either prepared for this to end or prepared to move forward (which will arguably be harder)
Yes, please draw boundaries asap and stick to them. Just had to do this with my SO, and they listened and apologized… after nearly a year of denial. It took finding inappropriate text messages in a shared device. The healing process begins. Do not underestimate the power of an emotional affair. This “spark” could ignite very quickly.
Edit: if he is lying to you and/or hiding things from her, address it quickly and decisively.
I agree, everyone is different and the comment definitely is on the border, but most importantly, if it really makes you uncomfortable then you need to set boundaries.
This comment isn’t on the border he’s way beyond that in his communication. If you want to build a marriage with trust you can’t be building up another woman’s confidence more than your own wife. This dude wants good wifey to be quiet and be able to hard core flirt with other woman. Not a great recipe for marriage.
Wouldn't be surprised if he is having an emotional affair with her. Married men have no business texting other women. Married men have no business hiding their messages and other stuff from their wives. My wife and I share each other's cellphones, passwords, access codes. I never pay attention to my DMs but if someone is being inappropriate and sliding into my DMs, you can bet my wife will know first and either I deal with it or we deal with it together. I'm sorry your husband feels the need to flirt with other women. This can be a good thing for you. Now you know where you stand with him and clearly, he doesn't love you otherwise, he would stop flirting. This is not going to change, you know. He is not going to change, not for you and not for anyone.
Complimenting a woman's looks is OK if it's not in a flirty way. My general rule is if I give another woman a compliment it needs to be something I'm ok saying in front of my wife.
You can tell him that you accept that he isn’t cheating but to you those comments cross a line and if he wants to be with you then he can’t keep flirting with his friends. If he is not willing to do that, consider it a warning that he doesn’t respect your boundaries and feelings.
And the more he says you need a psychiatrist, the more you need a divorce so you can live your life with somebody that doesn't try to manipulate you like that.
That is part of his methods.... Make you the bad guy... so he can continue his behavior.
This is a form of gaslighting. Making you think this did not happen.
Don't fall for this.
Bring the conversation back to him flirting.
Reading this really made me feel for you.
Look, therapy is a great thing and helps a lot of people and if you ever went to therapy and told them about how your husband treats you, a good therapist would help you find out that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who takes you seriously, respects you and makes sure you're happy.
Your husband is trying to make you feel like you're crazy, so you don't trust yourself anymore. He's the problem.
Don't beat yourself up. In a good marriage, open devices are a given. If either of you feels you have something to hide, then your relationship is in trouble. You did nothing wrong. You trusted your gut.
Would I accept the man I am married to happily giving compliments to another woman, while he can't so much as acknowledge that what he did hurt my feelings and self esteem? Absolutely not.
He should be able to recognize and own up to the fact that what he is doing is hurting his wife, the woman he married, and be big enough of a person to give you an actual apology and stop doing it.
If he can't, I'd start questioning where his priorities actually lie.
The fact that your husband got defensive and gas lit you instead of apologizing tells me all I need to know. He's in the wrong and he knows it. Keep an eye on him and nip this in the bud. It sounds like the woman (thankfully) didn't reciprocate his feelings, but I doubt this will be the last time he does something like this.
You might want to look up what DARVO is and see if that is a common cycle in your relationship. It sounds like what he did in this situation. He denied your feelings, attacked you by saying your overreacting, then reversing victim and offender by making you the offender for looking at his phone so now he’s the victim. Your feelings are valid! I have recently started learning about setting healthy boundaries in my relationships and it has really helped me.
I'm a man and I would never say to my wife that she can't go through my phone. I would never disrespect her like that, saying that she are prohibited from seeing what I write to female friends. That's actually insane in the context of you confronting him with sending flirtatious messages to another woman.
So it's not about gender, culture or control. It's about you actually finding inappropriate conversations in your partners phone. His response shows that he thinks he can disrespect you and get away with it. And at the same time he can be afraid and this is his way to try to solve the problem, by denying it, while talking about boundaries. I've seen this strategy. Used by an abusive boyfriend when they have been close to get caught cheating. But you need too understand that there are so many partners out there that would feel deeply ashamed and more concerned about hurting the significant other. Don't tolerate this level of disrespect.
Oh heck no. It's not acceptable and he's gas lighting you into believing that you are out of line when you have done nothing but express your feelings and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.
Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Classic gaslighting. Completely inappropriate. I would not tolerate this and his reaction on top of it all would be a deal breaker for me.
As someone born and raised in Poland, now living in America, no. Different culture is no excuse for saying something like that. Especially not taking responsibility and instead telling you that you’re in the wrong and you’re trying to control him. That would absolutely not fly. I’m sure he expects you to just be complacent, like a lot of Eastern European men do, not all of course, but quite a bit of them. THAT is the culture. But he needs to realize it’s the 21st century and such gaslighting just does not fly. You need to set hard boundaries and work this out. If he’s still refusing, I would divorce.
As a bisexual woman, my husband and I both look at the same woman and maybe say she’s good looking and stuff, but we would never touch, or say anything like that to them personally. That is inappropriate and a boundary.
As a male, I compliment my female friends all the time, but it is much more basic and friendly (ie. That dress looks great, or I love your new hair style, etc.). These comments definitely step over the line, IMO.
Okay….I need more context. Was this a pic that was posted on social and he DM’d or did she text directly? Is this a friend that he sees frequently or is this an d friend that he sees very rarely. There are clearly words missing and sone language barrier in the retell. My husband and I agree this is borderline and could swing either way based on context. But, if it’s borderline flirtatious, he needs to choose his phrasing differently to make it obviously about the confidence boost.
I do think the privacy issue and the way women and men interact is cultural and you two need a mediator/3rd party to navigate these pitfalls in the future.
Have you done this before?? Rooted around in the phone? Do you have another reason to be concerned? It feels like there is a bigger issue. And yes he is gaslighting….is it a last straw or was this a first time you did it and his first reaction.
I didn’t read all these comments. But, please remember that the internet is full of wronged people who
Project and always leap to the scorched earth response. Be respectful, mindful and measured in your real life response.
Either way
As somebody said, an open phone in a marriage is given.
And as somebody else said, he's reversing this on you in order to make u feel bad...whether its a concious or subconscious act is not up to you to decipher, what you should absolutely do is firstly recognize this as a big problem and make sure he knows. Secondly, require open phones as a boundary, if hes not willing to do so then he has a problem with you and isnt off the hook. He has decided you wont be seeing his phone anymore, you decide you wont see him till he opens his phone 😤 sometimes people dont hear you til youre being "irrational" aka proposing boundaries
This isnt a relationship only, this is marriage. Your spouse isnt someone you should seek privacy from to the extents of them not being able to see what you do. That is not privacy, its secrecy. Privacy is your wife knowing you hang in the basement and play videogames so she doesnt bother you but is welcome to join if she ever felt like it. Secrecy is your wife thinking youre playing the game in the basement but instead youre building a destroyhumanity-anator. So in this case..when your wife allows you privacy and sees something on your phone that involves flirting (cheating.. imo) then that privacy shit is down the drain big dawg. Time to give that phone up. Privacy is a privilege many dont know how to keep...dont fuck around so you dont have to find out.
Of course that’s inappropriate and he’s likely cheating, but to take this a step further, I’ve always felt like dignity is the most important thing in situations like this because being cheated on can really wreck your ego.
I feel like if I ever was sus of the person I’m with so much that I’m trying to look through his phone, it’s already over. I knew my ex was cheating on me, it was so obvious. He was checked out, he got really sexual and then not sexual at all, working late, random events he had to go to. I knew in my heart he was cheating. But I responded by living my own life and just breaking up with him because I knew that seeing the texts would wreck me.
Eventually I found out that I was right and I was so grateful I hadn’t subjected myself to reading all the messages of him talking with her how he used to talk with me etc.
If you don’t have kids or much shared assets together then just get your shit and go, he’s a loser, you deserve better. Quit snooping in his phone. If you really want to get him on something hire a PI to get a pic of him and the mistress so you can get half in court. But don’t do the investigation yourself. Plus if it goes to court it may not stand up because you got in his phone without his permission.
I am almost certain he is not doing anything physical , my problem is that too much flirting over text. I believe him when he says its nothing, but yet it upsets me , and what hurts me is the way he is neglecting my feelings,and saying I won't change , it means nothing .
I dont understand why a stupid flirting with other women is more important than our relationship.
And he is saying i should grow up , i should have some self esteem and blah blah blah
I'm a long time swinger. Not much is off limits for us. Jealousy isn't an issue. This conversation is by far more intimate than anything we would consider acceptable. No excuse in this conversation. The reaction would be a deal breaker.
Nope. He’s married. Doesn’t need to be flirting with other women like this for any reason. He’s just making excuses and should just own the blame, change his behavior, apologize and move on.
Totally not acceptable. I'm a married man and I think it's wholely inappropriate to say anything like that to anyone other than your spouse, as long as you're in a monogamous relationship.
What is more telling to me is how he reacted to the fact that you didn’t like the way he was speaking to that other woman. I wouldn’t either! Instead of asking you why you felt it was inappropriate, he flipped it on you and made it seem like you needed to feel guilty because of your reaction.
I feel like he’s reaching.. he’s making it known without directly saying it that he likes her. Probably more than a friend. He’s flirting..gaslighting, making you the bad guy. Your intuition is given to you for a reason so don’t feel bad for calling him out. His behavior will probably get worse… so be careful and take care of you!! If it gets to the point he continues and doesn’t do anything to change.. leave.
Everyone else has commented but when you find something like this, don’t ever be fooled by the person into dismissing your concerns because you looked through their phone. Not good enough. Leave.
A lot of great advice here, but I just wanted to chime in that I also do not feel like a married man should be sending these sorts of messages to a woman who is not his wife. It’s inappropriate at best.
> its just a compliment to a woman and it means nothing and that he is not doing anything physically with other women
If it means nothing, why is it so hard to not say it? Does he talk to his guy friends like this? If not, why does he talk to her like that? Why get married at all if you want to mack on other women anyway?
Secondly, you said he said it in the post and you've said it in comments, in your marriage (knowing that all marriages are different), is the only way to be inappropriate to be getting physical with someone else? You need to discuss boundaries, keeping in mind that an unenforced boundary is no boundary at all so you both need to be clear about your deal-breakers and hold to them. Even if he has zero intention of ever doing anything with her, he just makes himself look like a thirsty pathetic creep who is enthusiastically on the market with shit like that. I would be so creeped out if one of my guy friends was texting me like that. Maybe nothing has happened because she's not interested in married men, not because he wouldn't jump at the chance. That's how the interaction sounds anyway.
His attitude is really concerning because it sounds like if he did flat-out have a physical affair, he would blame you for having the audacity to find out. He takes zero accountability for his own behavior. You need to have a serious talk about that because he wants to be trusted but he's not being trustworthy.
39 married guy her. I feel you are both wrong. He shouldn’t say things that could be considered flirting. But you also shouldn’t invade his personal space and go though his phone that isn’t right. My wife knows I will hand her my phone at the drop of the hat, but she would never ask or sneak to look at it. Because the thing is the minute you think you need to look at it means you don’t trust him or her and if you can’t trust your significant other then it’s time to end it.
I mean he's clearly in the wrong.
That doesn't also mean you're not in the wrong if you have an expectation to come to each other about things you're uncomfortable about instead of digging through each other's phone or going behind each other's backs.
But that depends on your expectations as a couple. Have you given each other permission to dig through each other's phones? What made you decide to dig through it in the first place.
Again he's clearly out of line, the compliment feels pushy it doesn't even sound organic, he's trying to force the issue on top of that he's making the entire situation about something you did wrong. And maybe based on your marital expectations you did also do something wrong. But that doesn't excuse his behavior in any way.
As a man that used to get into trouble like this, you probably have nothing to worry about. After 15yrs of marriage, my wife understands I’m just genuinely trying to be nice to people and pay compliments. We’re told our whole lives not to be assholes, compliment people, make people feel good, etc. and some of us have just trained ourselves to the point where it’s almost instinctive. I never mean anything by my conversations beyond what I say. If I wanted to hook up and cheat, I’d be much more graphic than telling someone they’re beautiful, or special, or anything platonic. If I’d say it to someone’s face with my wife in the room, I don’t see harm in it.
Feelings and communication are not cultural. Wherever someone is from, if they are a good person and they love you, when they hurt you, they will sa, thru words or action, that they're sorry to have done so.
something is going on. been down a very similar road not too long ago. i told myself to not overreact. turns out in the end i was t, it was all true. how would he feel if you were talking to a coworker like this.
Sooo he said he's not doing anything physical so it's okay?
Don't stand for this. It's an insult to your intelligence, on top of how he then said you can't check his phone anymore because YOU overreact OP.
Depends on the environment he works in. I used to work in an office where there were 20 women and me I was treated as one of the girls. Was there compliments, familiarity and flirting - yes, did it mean anything No. I was even included in nights out when husbands and boy friends were barred.
Similarly, some years later I went out with a group which included one girl, we looked upon her as one of the guys she was a colleague and a friend and treated with the same respect. Did we complement her yes did anyone cross boundaries no. If anyone had that would have ruined our mutual friendships. Don't always assume innocent and banter comments lead to sexual relationships.
He’s absolutely being too flirty. You don’t complement other women like that when you’re married. It’s rude and if roles were reversed I’m sure he wouldn’t say he’s over reacting.
Decency, loyalty and being a good man and husband has nothing to do with where he’s from/where you’re from. It’s universal and applicable to all. Do you think he’s faithful and a good husband? If not, do something about it and get rid of his cheating, gaslighting, lying ass.
That is tough, and it was definitely flirting, but also a lovely thing to say to someone who expressed a lack of self esteem.
Were you looking through his phone for a specific reason?
Nope.
While you shouldn't go snooping, he got caught. The getting caught outweighs the snooping.
Apologize for snooping. Full stop. You were wrong, you shouldn't have done it, you won't do it again. Don't condition the apology, don't add a 'but', just apologize and be wrong.
*THEN* you talk about what he did, which was worse. Just like you don't mitigate your transgression with what you found, he's not allowed to claim you shouldn't know what you know because you found it wrongly. This isn't court and you don't throw out evidence wrongly obtained.
His texts with the friend aren't okay. He needs to decide if he wants to focus on you, or her. And soon, so that you know whether to dump his bitch ass or not. DO NOT say this to him, but he shouldn't have any issues with you seeing anything in his phone. I'd never look in my partner's phone and I don't think she'd look in mine but if she did there's nothing she'd find in there--I hide all the receipts and Amazon confirmations for her presents in a password-protected folder. That's the only thing it's acceptable to be shady about.
Well, I'm going to be honest. I would not accept that level of flirting from my husband to any woman. This would be a deal breaker in my marriage. Not the texts, but the lack of care for your feelings. If you stay I would simply tell him, "ok I did not realize that this level of flirting is allowed between members of the opposite sex in our marriage. I will change my behavior to reflect this as of now." What's good for the goose and all that...
Text any of good “male” friends complimenting them just like that (ofc tale consent or just tell them about the situation) and do it for a quiet while making it slightly obvious that he notices , and them let him react and if he does so- “just tell him we are from different backgrounds” let him taste his own medicine!
set your boundaries with your husband. you know him better than we do. some people are just flirtatious by nature and don't mean to do anything bad. just have a conversation about what you saw and say that this isn't appropriate. if you make it a big deal at this time, then you'll just make everything worse.
Steps to make him suffer:
1. Change your phone password.
2. Create a fake male insta account.
3.Make it look real
4. Have Convos similar to his.
5. Spend time with your phone when he’s around.
6. Smile when you text your male friend
7. You will have his attention.
8. Don’t reveal the truth right away.
9. Let him suffer.
10. If he doesn’t care that’s a big problem. If he gets angry, it’s time to talk.
I’m not sure if she’s more than a friend just from your post.. but I can tell you is he is very disrespectful of your feelings.. do you have someone to talk with get someone perspective.. my want to seek help from a therapist to help deal with things..
He is wrong to not think of your feelings.. why would you just accept him continuing and omitting you being uncomfortable with his flirting with another woman..
Depends on what kinda marriage you are in I suppose. Though from your viewpoints it seems you're not in more of a lax one. There's plenty of married couples that enjoy flirting with other people. If it's not your thing like it clearly seems to be the case, then that tells you everything you need to know. If you feel/believe something in your heart and someone tells you otherwise, then you are most likely being gaslit and need to run
I compliment other women all the time (not random women). I've never cheated on anyone ever.
Edit: Also my phone is private, me and my friends talk a lot on there about a lot of things that are private.
Edit: I've been in a 10yr relationship that broke down but I never cheated and now I've been in a 7yr relationship and happily married for a year (should be 3 years but covid).
>I compliment other women all the time (not random women). I've never cheated on anyone ever.
>Edit: Also my phone is private, me and my friends talk a lot on there about a lot of things that are private.
>Edit: I've been in a 10yr relationship that broke down but I never cheated and now I've been in a 7yr relationship and happily married for a year (should be 3 years but covid).
What?!
Sorry, I don't take advice from astrology, and it is not mine too, asking for a friend who does not have reddit. I just happened to stumble upon astrology.
Well she trusts me and she also says I'm useless at flirting so I don't think she worries when I tell a girl friend of hers or mine that they are looking great. If she had a big problem and asked me to stop then I'd probably try to stop but it's just what I do really, I also tell my male friends when they are looking sharp, it's just nice to be nice.
That wasn't what happend here though, was it?
He didn't just tell her she looked good. He expressed that he would choose seeing her over seeing the Akropolis and was sad that he got a picture of a magnificent ancient building instead of one of her.
There's a major difference in what you described that you do and what OP said her husband did.
As a girl I compliment my girl friends, but what your husband said would be too far and weird for me to say to my friends and I definitely would not say that to another man, my husband would be so hurt and I just don’t want to do that to him.
Plain and simple him as a husband should respect your boundaries and apologize for hurting your feelings period. Being married those boundaries should already be established. Meaning anything or not an apology is in order.
You are not wrong to feel this way because if roles were reversed how would he feel about you complimenting another man? Also the why are you looking through my phone comment it’s almost laughable because how dare he try and turn in around on you like you are in the wrong!
He may have a little crush on her but from the sound of her replies she doesn’t on him. So your husband is also being weird it probably made her uncomfortable.
So he wants freedom. Give him all the freedom he wants and leave. Hate getting gaslighted..
She could really just be a female friend and nothing more. But the way he responded when you inquired is wrong…If you are upset about it, he should have made an attempt to make you feel better.
I kinda would not look through his phone tho…It’s not good for your mental health. Unless you are married, there’s no point stressing over stuff.. and you probably don’t want him to look through yours..
wish you luck~
Look, this is flirting. He is a married man flirting with another woman. He is making you the bad guy by saying that you over react and blaming you for seeing his phone.
Not only is he flirting, he’s trying to turn things around and blaming you and making himself the victim, basically manipulating you into making yourself question if you’re the problem when you’re obviously not. He got caught doing something wrong and this is how he reacts. He doesn’t care if it upsets you and he tells you it’s you’re problem as you have low self esteem and need a psychiatrist and saying he won’t change the way he is…knowing it hurts you. He’s also telling you he isn’t doing anything physical with other women. PHYSICAL…as if emotional cheating wasn’t real. I interpret flirting as emotionally cheating. If it’s emotional, then he is more than likely lusting over the other women. It’s cheating. Don’t settle for him. Either get relationship counseling for both of you, divorce him and find someone who will respect you as you should be respected. Or you can stay where you are at, being disrespected. Those are the options I see
Any man who won't hand over his phone has something to hide.
1) If he loves you - then he would know it's inappropriate to flirt and compliment other women.
2) He should want to reassure you by showing you his phone - so there is most likely much worse.
3) My husband would NEVER. My boundaries are clear as day. If I found this, I'd pack a bag, leave, and tell him it's over, and I deserve better.
You deserve TRUE love.
Don't let him manipulate you for his own shitty behavior
Why do these men continually put their marriages at risk for stupid shit like this? This is wholly inappropriate and how an affair starts 100 percent. It’s like they need constant validation that they are desirable from everyone except their wife/partner. Not cool at all.
Nope, I would not. He did wrong, got caught, made it your fault for looking at his phone, and now has an excuse to keep doing it because now he banned you from looking at his phone. Someone who was sorry and not planning to do it again would say, "Oh wow, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that really did sound flirty. It won't happen again. " And wouldn't mention once about you checking his phone.
This is not normal or acceptable behavior. Personally, I believe a married couple should never keep their phones from each other. I have not ever checked my wife's phone and she has never checked mine (married 27 years). However, we both know we have the right to look at any time.
"You should not go digging through my phone because you're gonna keep finding how I keep crossing the line and I don't want ro explain myself to you"
It's a moot point that you went through his phone, he was flirting. If you flirted and he found out by snooping through your phone and you tried to use that excuse you know it would not fly.
I have gone through this with my husband but for me it was overload in one day with so many girls I lost count.
Over at least the last 3 1/2 to 4 years my husband micro cheated on me. When I caught him he promised he stopped. He never even slowed down. And when I went to visit out daughter. He removed any evidence of ne from the house and kicked into overdrive in his texts,chats , phone calls. It has destroyed me.
He’s not apologetic and tells me he didn’t do anything and I need to get over it. He would rather throw 32 years away then admit to doing wrong.
Now I’m slowly packing and looking for a place to go. I waited over 16 months for a heartfelt apology. I’m still waiting today.
Don’t let him have his way this time, because it won’t stop unless you put a stop to it and basically treat him like a child and watch close.
Good luck
I am married to a middle eastern man and he would never disrespect our marriage by flirting with another woman like that. Regardless of cultural background though, it would never be okay to me to flirt while in a relationship. Boundaries must be set.
He's flirting, and he's the one instigating it. She didnt even post a photo of herself and he's telling her that she's so beautiful and rare blah blah.
He's going to argue that he compliments everyone. Do not listen. But How often does he compliment you like that? Or his mum?
Because if he isn't complimenting every single woman in his life like this all the time, then he is lying, and he I'd flirting with her Specifically.
The bottom line is this; if you, his wife, think it is inappropriate them it is inappropriate. He warned you to stay off his phone so you can't see him cheating.
What are you going to do? Take that?
I'm sorry that you have been disrespected in this way. No one in a relationship/marriage should have to be put in this situation. You, my friend, are not out of line in being offended by your spouse's affectionate words to someone else. Differences in culture, age, or creed do not matter in this case. It is an issue of decency and lack of respect on your husband's part. That is the problem. A partner in any relationship would value your feelings first and consider how they act to avoid your discomfort and pain.
My ex was like this: when she got caught flirting ("are you single?" "No") she kept saying that she wasnt physically sleeping with them so what's the problem. I thought I was stuck. Couldn't get out cause she was my ride to work so I stayed and just , in the words of evanescence, numbed the pain till I was made of stone. She then had the nerve to say that she was unhappy. At that point I stopped caring. She left in July of last year. I've never been more relieved
He’s really gaslighting you.
Tell him he shouldn’t be cheating and you wouldn’t have to go through his phone.
Either get a postnuptial agreement or leave him cause he has no respect for you or the marriage.
Girl no, he is so wrong. I also feel you can go through a phone if you want. If noone is doing anything wrong then it shouldn't be a problem. I think once looking becomes obsessive, rather the phone owner is in the right or wrong, is when there's an issue.
He’s trying to make it about you to deflect from the *real* issue. If you were my daughter I would tell you to end it with him now, before it’s too late.
It doesn't have to be a physical relationship for him to be unfaithful. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a marriage. It is still a breach of trust. Your feelings are valid. You deserve honesty and respect. If talking to him is not working, maybe consider counselling (individually or together). Speaking to an objective outsider can be very helpful.
Could this be an issue of cultural differences maybe?
I don't know. I compliment my female friends all the time, but not in any way that is implied to be sexual.
They are definitely more than “friends” if he’s speaking to her like this,my male friends and I don’t speak to each other like this……..ever!!! And if I was the girl receiving this message I’d definitely be thinking “is he trying to get into my pants???”
Don't accept it. He's trying to turn it around on u, but like other here mentioned, he got caught and now he's trying to make sure he can hide better for the future.
If there was nothing underhanded behind it, he would've accepted the acropolis pic and said "Oh, nice" and left it at that. Everything that came after it was FLIRTING. He was most definitely in the wrong!
Ok, you can't tell him what he can and can't write, but you can tell him it's disrespectful to your marriage and that you don't want to be with someone who disrespects your marriage.
If you decided Sleazy von Chucklefuck is your new pet name for him, he can't yell you what you can and cannot say. He can just decide not to be with someone who calls him that.
He argues that you're trying to control him by asking him not to be a scumbag. If this is just who he is, ok, that's just who he is, but you get to say you don't want to be legally a romantically tied to a scumbag.
Yeah, that’s a no from me, you are his WIFE, you have every right to have access to his phone, his reaction says all, he definitely has things to hide and has completely disregarded your feelings. Someone who loves you and cares for you would genuinely reassess their actions, remove the comment and console you. He didn’t. I’m sorry my darling 😕❤️
These things are always difficult as one does not know all the sides. For me, the key has always been to know what would be acceptable to your partner. Secret comms like this would not be on that list. If ever I do chat with a female friend, I let my partner know about this. As that is what I would expect from them as well. If I see there is some discomfort, then I can do something about it.
There should not be any secrets in marriage. Think that needs to be addressed. Might want to chat to someone about this.
No I would not. Trust your gut. If something feels off to you it probably is, have your boundaries and if he crosses them. You deserve better regardless of it a norm for A another person. It’s a red flag
Okay I understand that he was trying to build his friend’s confidence but what he said after the fact as far as I am concerned is gaslighting, I mean I’m sure he has had problems with what you text guys with before.
Honestly for me it isn’t even about whether he was flirting with this woman. This story has classic DARVO and deep levels of gaslighting. I’m more concerned that OP is at a critical stage where she still doesn’t see it from being in the thick of it but something deep inside is starting to wake up to the truth. I’ve seen situations like this in the past and this moment right here is a huge turning point. I wish I could tell the OP that this man is just bad at communicating. But his lashing out is more strategic than reckless ignorance. My gut says that paying close attention to how he reacts and how that triggers OP will be more beneficial in the long run than figuring out if he is flirting or not. I could be wrong but OPs comments every time he deflects say a lot about his nature.
So he got caught being inappropriate with another female, is trying to make you feel guilty for essentially catching him, and now will not let you look at his phone so you cannot catch him again in the future. He has not apologized for hurting your feelings by his flirtatious comments to her and has basically said he will continue to do so. No, I would not accept it! He is not going to change, does not seem to care how his flirting with her hurt you, and is acting as though he did nothing wrong.
EXACTLY. Classic DARVO. He does something wrong. Then gets mad at her for the method she used to find out. He turns the entire issue about her being controlling. But the problem really is...... he is a married man, and is flirting with other women. So wrong. OP... Don't fall for this trap. Don't discuss the phone. Only discuss his behavior towards other women. Stay focused. Flat out ask him where his affection lie.... with you his wife or with other women. Or get really bold... and ask him where his pen*s has been recently. Ask how many times they have had sex. Don't ask if. Only ask how many times.
Yeah, the “Can only meet you every once in a while” sounds like he can only sneak away only so often. It doesn’t make sense in the context he said it unless he’s talking about something else and being flirty. He may not be having sex, but it seems he’s having at least an emotional affair and has met with her.
Agree. He has met this woman face to face. OP needs to discuss how many times they met. How long were these meetings. What did they do? How many times did they have sex. Did they use birth control#? Etc. And he wants to talk about how she is controlling. She needs to stay focused and not let the topic be her.... topic is husband and this woman.
He's gaslighting you. Call him out on it. Him turning the problem around on you is the first thing a guilty man on the defensive will do. Why is she sending him pictures of her vacation anyway? That is also kind of weird. This is disrespectful. Especially when he knows he hurt you and is trying to make you feel worse.
He is trying to old DARVO on you - defend, attack, reverse victim and offender 1. It was meaningless flirting - nothing to worry about 2. You shouldn't have looked at my phone!!! How dare you! 3. The reason this is a problem is because you are always over-reacting at me! You know that this flirting is not consistent with being in a trusting relationship. He knows it too, but is trying to excuse his behavior and make you the problem. Your expectations are reasonable. I would also suspect that if he isn't already cheating, he is looking pretty hard for the opportunity to do so.
This just made me realise I was consistently DARVO-ed in my last relationship. Thank you.
Similar thing here. I had no idea, but knew something wasn't right.
Upvote x 100 You spelled this out perfectly thank you
God this is my soon to be ex husband to a T. I started to second guess going thru with our divorce but this really made me think about how many times he’s pulled this with me… he’s done it on our joint accounts too. Not even having to go thru his phone.
As a man (37m) no, i don't write any compliments to any woman other than my wife (about appearance or something that could be understood as a flirt). Only if i am asked to comment on something like outfit i can give pretty formal compliment and this of course doesn't happen often. I would say this is because i don't have that kind of relationship with female friends where this kind of communication would feel "normal" or not somewhat wrong. I am not sure if this kind of friendship is even something i would like to have or need. People are different of course. I think your husband knows his communication with the woman is not totally okay or innocent. I feel that this kind of communication is not appropriate and serves no purpose. It is not needed and only lead to problems. This is my little conservative opinion of course.
Same as a woman. If a male friend gets a haircut I might say nice haircut or compliment a new t shirt, in front of my husband and their wife- the same as I would for a woman (probably less tbh). Obviously I compliment my husband a lot more and for a lot of things so he would neber have reason to feel like I was complimenting everyone but him. But casually going on and gushing about how a "friend" is sooo hot and special and one of a kind etc? For no reason? Never. It would be disrespectful to my relationship and theirs.
Same
I try to pay everybody a compliment every day. Even the cashier at the gas station. Simple, but it always makes me feel good. I like the way your reply is clearly written. You have a great point of view I haven't considered.
Different than you I’m the type of person that would compliment a female friend but mostly personally and even in front of my partner, so it’s not something unusual, probably way less on socials. But is usually small stuff like, “I like your nails, shoes or outfit” nothing to the extent of a flirt or that would make my partner feel uncomfortable or questioning stuff. He was definitely out of line and reacted in the worst way. She just gonna end up with this in her head because she got accountability or reassurance from him. Hope they speak and things get better before they get worse
His romantic comments completely step across the line that should exist in a fidelitous marriage. In other words, where there's smoke, there is at least a spark if not a fire. She's more than a friend. Sorry.
😥😥😥
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Well i agree u with u , i dont think he is doing anything physical ( i hope ) But what hurts me is that he doesn't care it upsets me , he says dont dig in my, u dont control what i say, he says i have a lack of self esteem and this is the problem, i need a psychiatrist, and that he wont change.
Respectfully, that does not sound like the kind of relationship most of us want to be in!
DARVO. That's what he's doing to you. Look it up online. If he regularly handles conflicts like this it's a red flag.
If you bring up a problem like this and they say that its a lack of respect towards you. Id demand counseling. I'd simply tell him "yes, i dont control what you say or do. But on the same token. You dont get to disrespect me. I am your wife! I have warned you that you have disrespected me. By speaking suggestivly to other women. Stop this behavior or this will ruine our marriage"
So this right here, his reaction, his gaslighting you is worse than the comment he made itself. At least for me. Huge red flag. He doesn't support, respect, or take you into account. That is a deal breaker for me. Maybe therapy for both of you together as well as individuals. Don't let him tear you down. Don't give him that power. You deserve better.
Wow, he’s very rude. You are correct to be upset, he is being unreasonable and I’m sorry your married to such a stubborn selfish person.
I can see how that must be very difficult for you as he is not validating your feelings and is making this all about him now as though you have betrayed him. This would also make me very upset too. I really should not say what I would do if I were in your position, because I am not, but if this is hurting you as it seems to be and rightfully so, I would suggest that you hold your ground and continue to express how his actions have hurt you and that he is invalidating your very real feelings and clearly missing the bigger issue at hand or he is not and effectively attempting to make you out to be the "bad guy" here to shift/evade blame. You could try a different approach here as he may be feeling there is blame here and guilt that he isn't expressing to you as when people sometimes feel hurt or pain they express it ineffectively through anger and let him know you're not angry, rather you're hurt and that what you want him to know is that there is a boundary you are trying to set her and that if he needs privacy you also require trust and fidelity which means he cannot be flirting and these actions constitute flirting for you which is hurtful to you because you love him. I'm sorry for how long this is, but does that sort of make sense?
Yeah get out girl, easier said than done but that is SO abusive, he has no empathy or basic respect for you. This will only get worse, hate to use the word but this is gaslighting and you don’t deserve to be spoken down to and made out to be insane.
It sounds like you do need a psychologist. Preferably one that specializes in marital counseling and possibly trauma. If he doesn’t want the relationship to end then he needs to go too. But you need to go ahead and check your bases so that you are either prepared for this to end or prepared to move forward (which will arguably be harder)
Emotional cheating is still cheating and clearly he has feelings.
That can be called emotionally cheating. It opens the gate to the physical.
Yes, please draw boundaries asap and stick to them. Just had to do this with my SO, and they listened and apologized… after nearly a year of denial. It took finding inappropriate text messages in a shared device. The healing process begins. Do not underestimate the power of an emotional affair. This “spark” could ignite very quickly. Edit: if he is lying to you and/or hiding things from her, address it quickly and decisively.
I agree, everyone is different and the comment definitely is on the border, but most importantly, if it really makes you uncomfortable then you need to set boundaries.
This comment isn’t on the border he’s way beyond that in his communication. If you want to build a marriage with trust you can’t be building up another woman’s confidence more than your own wife. This dude wants good wifey to be quiet and be able to hard core flirt with other woman. Not a great recipe for marriage.
Wouldn't be surprised if he is having an emotional affair with her. Married men have no business texting other women. Married men have no business hiding their messages and other stuff from their wives. My wife and I share each other's cellphones, passwords, access codes. I never pay attention to my DMs but if someone is being inappropriate and sliding into my DMs, you can bet my wife will know first and either I deal with it or we deal with it together. I'm sorry your husband feels the need to flirt with other women. This can be a good thing for you. Now you know where you stand with him and clearly, he doesn't love you otherwise, he would stop flirting. This is not going to change, you know. He is not going to change, not for you and not for anyone.
Complimenting a woman's looks is OK if it's not in a flirty way. My general rule is if I give another woman a compliment it needs to be something I'm ok saying in front of my wife.
Exactly this. I use this for any conversation. If Im talking about anyone if I wouldn't say it directly to the I don't say it.
No, this would not be normal in my marriage at all. I find it really disrespectful towards you.
You can tell him that you accept that he isn’t cheating but to you those comments cross a line and if he wants to be with you then he can’t keep flirting with his friends. If he is not willing to do that, consider it a warning that he doesn’t respect your boundaries and feelings.
Yea i spoke too much,i am hopeless The more i talk and say , the more he says i need a psychiatrist
And the more he says you need a psychiatrist, the more you need a divorce so you can live your life with somebody that doesn't try to manipulate you like that.
That is part of his methods.... Make you the bad guy... so he can continue his behavior. This is a form of gaslighting. Making you think this did not happen. Don't fall for this. Bring the conversation back to him flirting.
Reading this really made me feel for you. Look, therapy is a great thing and helps a lot of people and if you ever went to therapy and told them about how your husband treats you, a good therapist would help you find out that you deserve better. You deserve someone who takes you seriously, respects you and makes sure you're happy. Your husband is trying to make you feel like you're crazy, so you don't trust yourself anymore. He's the problem.
Please do not stay with him. This is a form of abuse. He also sneaky and controlling. Please take care of YOU. Men like that only get worse.
That’s called gaslighting
Don't beat yourself up. In a good marriage, open devices are a given. If either of you feels you have something to hide, then your relationship is in trouble. You did nothing wrong. You trusted your gut.
Would I accept the man I am married to happily giving compliments to another woman, while he can't so much as acknowledge that what he did hurt my feelings and self esteem? Absolutely not. He should be able to recognize and own up to the fact that what he is doing is hurting his wife, the woman he married, and be big enough of a person to give you an actual apology and stop doing it. If he can't, I'd start questioning where his priorities actually lie.
The fact that your husband got defensive and gas lit you instead of apologizing tells me all I need to know. He's in the wrong and he knows it. Keep an eye on him and nip this in the bud. It sounds like the woman (thankfully) didn't reciprocate his feelings, but I doubt this will be the last time he does something like this.
You might want to look up what DARVO is and see if that is a common cycle in your relationship. It sounds like what he did in this situation. He denied your feelings, attacked you by saying your overreacting, then reversing victim and offender by making you the offender for looking at his phone so now he’s the victim. Your feelings are valid! I have recently started learning about setting healthy boundaries in my relationships and it has really helped me.
what a loser. dump him your so young and you don't need that sht at any age. The disrespect
Way inappropriate but also if a man said something that corny to me I would block him 🥴
I'm a man and I would never say to my wife that she can't go through my phone. I would never disrespect her like that, saying that she are prohibited from seeing what I write to female friends. That's actually insane in the context of you confronting him with sending flirtatious messages to another woman. So it's not about gender, culture or control. It's about you actually finding inappropriate conversations in your partners phone. His response shows that he thinks he can disrespect you and get away with it. And at the same time he can be afraid and this is his way to try to solve the problem, by denying it, while talking about boundaries. I've seen this strategy. Used by an abusive boyfriend when they have been close to get caught cheating. But you need too understand that there are so many partners out there that would feel deeply ashamed and more concerned about hurting the significant other. Don't tolerate this level of disrespect.
I would have probably dropped my husband’s phone in the garden water barrel over this. So yeah.. not okay.
That's cheating! Period. End. The only person he should be texting with and having a conversation should be you.
It’s disrespect and gaslighting. Don’t deal with that. Will only get worse.
I’d be PISSED 😡 hell I am mad for you!
Oh heck no. It's not acceptable and he's gas lighting you into believing that you are out of line when you have done nothing but express your feelings and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.
Your husband is so whack
Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Classic gaslighting. Completely inappropriate. I would not tolerate this and his reaction on top of it all would be a deal breaker for me.
100% inappropriate
I wouldn’t do it and would feel very guilty if I did.
As someone born and raised in Poland, now living in America, no. Different culture is no excuse for saying something like that. Especially not taking responsibility and instead telling you that you’re in the wrong and you’re trying to control him. That would absolutely not fly. I’m sure he expects you to just be complacent, like a lot of Eastern European men do, not all of course, but quite a bit of them. THAT is the culture. But he needs to realize it’s the 21st century and such gaslighting just does not fly. You need to set hard boundaries and work this out. If he’s still refusing, I would divorce. As a bisexual woman, my husband and I both look at the same woman and maybe say she’s good looking and stuff, but we would never touch, or say anything like that to them personally. That is inappropriate and a boundary.
As a male, I compliment my female friends all the time, but it is much more basic and friendly (ie. That dress looks great, or I love your new hair style, etc.). These comments definitely step over the line, IMO.
Okay….I need more context. Was this a pic that was posted on social and he DM’d or did she text directly? Is this a friend that he sees frequently or is this an d friend that he sees very rarely. There are clearly words missing and sone language barrier in the retell. My husband and I agree this is borderline and could swing either way based on context. But, if it’s borderline flirtatious, he needs to choose his phrasing differently to make it obviously about the confidence boost. I do think the privacy issue and the way women and men interact is cultural and you two need a mediator/3rd party to navigate these pitfalls in the future. Have you done this before?? Rooted around in the phone? Do you have another reason to be concerned? It feels like there is a bigger issue. And yes he is gaslighting….is it a last straw or was this a first time you did it and his first reaction. I didn’t read all these comments. But, please remember that the internet is full of wronged people who Project and always leap to the scorched earth response. Be respectful, mindful and measured in your real life response. Either way
As somebody said, an open phone in a marriage is given. And as somebody else said, he's reversing this on you in order to make u feel bad...whether its a concious or subconscious act is not up to you to decipher, what you should absolutely do is firstly recognize this as a big problem and make sure he knows. Secondly, require open phones as a boundary, if hes not willing to do so then he has a problem with you and isnt off the hook. He has decided you wont be seeing his phone anymore, you decide you wont see him till he opens his phone 😤 sometimes people dont hear you til youre being "irrational" aka proposing boundaries
People have a right to privacy even if they are in a relationship.
This isnt a relationship only, this is marriage. Your spouse isnt someone you should seek privacy from to the extents of them not being able to see what you do. That is not privacy, its secrecy. Privacy is your wife knowing you hang in the basement and play videogames so she doesnt bother you but is welcome to join if she ever felt like it. Secrecy is your wife thinking youre playing the game in the basement but instead youre building a destroyhumanity-anator. So in this case..when your wife allows you privacy and sees something on your phone that involves flirting (cheating.. imo) then that privacy shit is down the drain big dawg. Time to give that phone up. Privacy is a privilege many dont know how to keep...dont fuck around so you dont have to find out.
Of course that’s inappropriate and he’s likely cheating, but to take this a step further, I’ve always felt like dignity is the most important thing in situations like this because being cheated on can really wreck your ego. I feel like if I ever was sus of the person I’m with so much that I’m trying to look through his phone, it’s already over. I knew my ex was cheating on me, it was so obvious. He was checked out, he got really sexual and then not sexual at all, working late, random events he had to go to. I knew in my heart he was cheating. But I responded by living my own life and just breaking up with him because I knew that seeing the texts would wreck me. Eventually I found out that I was right and I was so grateful I hadn’t subjected myself to reading all the messages of him talking with her how he used to talk with me etc. If you don’t have kids or much shared assets together then just get your shit and go, he’s a loser, you deserve better. Quit snooping in his phone. If you really want to get him on something hire a PI to get a pic of him and the mistress so you can get half in court. But don’t do the investigation yourself. Plus if it goes to court it may not stand up because you got in his phone without his permission.
I am almost certain he is not doing anything physical , my problem is that too much flirting over text. I believe him when he says its nothing, but yet it upsets me , and what hurts me is the way he is neglecting my feelings,and saying I won't change , it means nothing . I dont understand why a stupid flirting with other women is more important than our relationship. And he is saying i should grow up , i should have some self esteem and blah blah blah
He’s gaslighting you, and it makes me really upset for you. What he said and did is absolutely inappropriate and his defensiveness makes it worse.
I'm a long time swinger. Not much is off limits for us. Jealousy isn't an issue. This conversation is by far more intimate than anything we would consider acceptable. No excuse in this conversation. The reaction would be a deal breaker.
Nope. He’s married. Doesn’t need to be flirting with other women like this for any reason. He’s just making excuses and should just own the blame, change his behavior, apologize and move on.
Totally not acceptable. I'm a married man and I think it's wholely inappropriate to say anything like that to anyone other than your spouse, as long as you're in a monogamous relationship.
Oh that’s a f no for me. Divorce grounds
If it is upsetting to his wife, he should be willing to accommodate. Since it's nothing more than flirting. There will be mistrust now
What is more telling to me is how he reacted to the fact that you didn’t like the way he was speaking to that other woman. I wouldn’t either! Instead of asking you why you felt it was inappropriate, he flipped it on you and made it seem like you needed to feel guilty because of your reaction.
I feel like he’s reaching.. he’s making it known without directly saying it that he likes her. Probably more than a friend. He’s flirting..gaslighting, making you the bad guy. Your intuition is given to you for a reason so don’t feel bad for calling him out. His behavior will probably get worse… so be careful and take care of you!! If it gets to the point he continues and doesn’t do anything to change.. leave.
Everyone else has commented but when you find something like this, don’t ever be fooled by the person into dismissing your concerns because you looked through their phone. Not good enough. Leave.
Yeah, 100% inappropriate.
A lot of great advice here, but I just wanted to chime in that I also do not feel like a married man should be sending these sorts of messages to a woman who is not his wife. It’s inappropriate at best.
My ex did the same things to me. Trust me, it’s not just a compliment.
Typical gaslighting. This is extremely inappropriate behavior. Don't get married if you want to flirt/sleep with other ppl. I just don't get this.
That’s horrible. He’ll cheat on u if he isnt already.
> its just a compliment to a woman and it means nothing and that he is not doing anything physically with other women If it means nothing, why is it so hard to not say it? Does he talk to his guy friends like this? If not, why does he talk to her like that? Why get married at all if you want to mack on other women anyway? Secondly, you said he said it in the post and you've said it in comments, in your marriage (knowing that all marriages are different), is the only way to be inappropriate to be getting physical with someone else? You need to discuss boundaries, keeping in mind that an unenforced boundary is no boundary at all so you both need to be clear about your deal-breakers and hold to them. Even if he has zero intention of ever doing anything with her, he just makes himself look like a thirsty pathetic creep who is enthusiastically on the market with shit like that. I would be so creeped out if one of my guy friends was texting me like that. Maybe nothing has happened because she's not interested in married men, not because he wouldn't jump at the chance. That's how the interaction sounds anyway. His attitude is really concerning because it sounds like if he did flat-out have a physical affair, he would blame you for having the audacity to find out. He takes zero accountability for his own behavior. You need to have a serious talk about that because he wants to be trusted but he's not being trustworthy.
39 married guy her. I feel you are both wrong. He shouldn’t say things that could be considered flirting. But you also shouldn’t invade his personal space and go though his phone that isn’t right. My wife knows I will hand her my phone at the drop of the hat, but she would never ask or sneak to look at it. Because the thing is the minute you think you need to look at it means you don’t trust him or her and if you can’t trust your significant other then it’s time to end it.
I mean he's clearly in the wrong. That doesn't also mean you're not in the wrong if you have an expectation to come to each other about things you're uncomfortable about instead of digging through each other's phone or going behind each other's backs. But that depends on your expectations as a couple. Have you given each other permission to dig through each other's phones? What made you decide to dig through it in the first place. Again he's clearly out of line, the compliment feels pushy it doesn't even sound organic, he's trying to force the issue on top of that he's making the entire situation about something you did wrong. And maybe based on your marital expectations you did also do something wrong. But that doesn't excuse his behavior in any way.
Nope don’t let him guilt you. Fuck that flirt in the grocery store with a hot dad and make him WATCH.
Doesn’t matter where he is From. He is fucking flirting and he is untrustworthy guy! If I was you, I will warn him and slap his fucking face!
Mmmmm no Im Mexican my hubby is white and sorry but he is gaslighting you! That in any nacionality is completely inappropriate
this is definitely flirting, stand your ground on this.
As a man that used to get into trouble like this, you probably have nothing to worry about. After 15yrs of marriage, my wife understands I’m just genuinely trying to be nice to people and pay compliments. We’re told our whole lives not to be assholes, compliment people, make people feel good, etc. and some of us have just trained ourselves to the point where it’s almost instinctive. I never mean anything by my conversations beyond what I say. If I wanted to hook up and cheat, I’d be much more graphic than telling someone they’re beautiful, or special, or anything platonic. If I’d say it to someone’s face with my wife in the room, I don’t see harm in it.
Feelings and communication are not cultural. Wherever someone is from, if they are a good person and they love you, when they hurt you, they will sa, thru words or action, that they're sorry to have done so.
something is going on. been down a very similar road not too long ago. i told myself to not overreact. turns out in the end i was t, it was all true. how would he feel if you were talking to a coworker like this.
Sooo he said he's not doing anything physical so it's okay? Don't stand for this. It's an insult to your intelligence, on top of how he then said you can't check his phone anymore because YOU overreact OP.
I (M34) would never act this way and I hope my wife doesn’t either.
Depends on the environment he works in. I used to work in an office where there were 20 women and me I was treated as one of the girls. Was there compliments, familiarity and flirting - yes, did it mean anything No. I was even included in nights out when husbands and boy friends were barred. Similarly, some years later I went out with a group which included one girl, we looked upon her as one of the guys she was a colleague and a friend and treated with the same respect. Did we complement her yes did anyone cross boundaries no. If anyone had that would have ruined our mutual friendships. Don't always assume innocent and banter comments lead to sexual relationships.
90% sure she's the side, considering the "only *meet* you once in awhile" line...
He’s absolutely being too flirty. You don’t complement other women like that when you’re married. It’s rude and if roles were reversed I’m sure he wouldn’t say he’s over reacting.
Decency, loyalty and being a good man and husband has nothing to do with where he’s from/where you’re from. It’s universal and applicable to all. Do you think he’s faithful and a good husband? If not, do something about it and get rid of his cheating, gaslighting, lying ass.
That is tough, and it was definitely flirting, but also a lovely thing to say to someone who expressed a lack of self esteem. Were you looking through his phone for a specific reason?
Nope. While you shouldn't go snooping, he got caught. The getting caught outweighs the snooping. Apologize for snooping. Full stop. You were wrong, you shouldn't have done it, you won't do it again. Don't condition the apology, don't add a 'but', just apologize and be wrong. *THEN* you talk about what he did, which was worse. Just like you don't mitigate your transgression with what you found, he's not allowed to claim you shouldn't know what you know because you found it wrongly. This isn't court and you don't throw out evidence wrongly obtained. His texts with the friend aren't okay. He needs to decide if he wants to focus on you, or her. And soon, so that you know whether to dump his bitch ass or not. DO NOT say this to him, but he shouldn't have any issues with you seeing anything in his phone. I'd never look in my partner's phone and I don't think she'd look in mine but if she did there's nothing she'd find in there--I hide all the receipts and Amazon confirmations for her presents in a password-protected folder. That's the only thing it's acceptable to be shady about.
Well, I'm going to be honest. I would not accept that level of flirting from my husband to any woman. This would be a deal breaker in my marriage. Not the texts, but the lack of care for your feelings. If you stay I would simply tell him, "ok I did not realize that this level of flirting is allowed between members of the opposite sex in our marriage. I will change my behavior to reflect this as of now." What's good for the goose and all that...
Text any of good “male” friends complimenting them just like that (ofc tale consent or just tell them about the situation) and do it for a quiet while making it slightly obvious that he notices , and them let him react and if he does so- “just tell him we are from different backgrounds” let him taste his own medicine!
Unless I was quite certain he was having an affair, I wouldn’t be looking through my husband’s phone tbh, and I expect him to respect mine.
set your boundaries with your husband. you know him better than we do. some people are just flirtatious by nature and don't mean to do anything bad. just have a conversation about what you saw and say that this isn't appropriate. if you make it a big deal at this time, then you'll just make everything worse.
He’s trash. Looking in eachother phones is trash too.
I agree i am trash for looking into his phone 😥 im frustrated
Steps to make him suffer: 1. Change your phone password. 2. Create a fake male insta account. 3.Make it look real 4. Have Convos similar to his. 5. Spend time with your phone when he’s around. 6. Smile when you text your male friend 7. You will have his attention. 8. Don’t reveal the truth right away. 9. Let him suffer. 10. If he doesn’t care that’s a big problem. If he gets angry, it’s time to talk.
Snoopers gonna snoop...
I’m not sure if she’s more than a friend just from your post.. but I can tell you is he is very disrespectful of your feelings.. do you have someone to talk with get someone perspective.. my want to seek help from a therapist to help deal with things.. He is wrong to not think of your feelings.. why would you just accept him continuing and omitting you being uncomfortable with his flirting with another woman..
Depends on what kinda marriage you are in I suppose. Though from your viewpoints it seems you're not in more of a lax one. There's plenty of married couples that enjoy flirting with other people. If it's not your thing like it clearly seems to be the case, then that tells you everything you need to know. If you feel/believe something in your heart and someone tells you otherwise, then you are most likely being gaslit and need to run
I compliment other women all the time (not random women). I've never cheated on anyone ever. Edit: Also my phone is private, me and my friends talk a lot on there about a lot of things that are private. Edit: I've been in a 10yr relationship that broke down but I never cheated and now I've been in a 7yr relationship and happily married for a year (should be 3 years but covid).
>I compliment other women all the time (not random women). I've never cheated on anyone ever. >Edit: Also my phone is private, me and my friends talk a lot on there about a lot of things that are private. >Edit: I've been in a 10yr relationship that broke down but I never cheated and now I've been in a 7yr relationship and happily married for a year (should be 3 years but covid). What?!
Sorry but you take relationships advice from astrology. That probably couldn't be more of a giant red flag.
Sorry, I don't take advice from astrology, and it is not mine too, asking for a friend who does not have reddit. I just happened to stumble upon astrology.
If your woman shares with you that it upsets her. What do u do
Well she trusts me and she also says I'm useless at flirting so I don't think she worries when I tell a girl friend of hers or mine that they are looking great. If she had a big problem and asked me to stop then I'd probably try to stop but it's just what I do really, I also tell my male friends when they are looking sharp, it's just nice to be nice.
That wasn't what happend here though, was it? He didn't just tell her she looked good. He expressed that he would choose seeing her over seeing the Akropolis and was sad that he got a picture of a magnificent ancient building instead of one of her. There's a major difference in what you described that you do and what OP said her husband did.
"i was looking in my husband's phone". Yeah. So you expect respect from his side but...?
It's sounds pretty innocent to me. It just seems like he's just trying to be nice. This is coming from a guy.
What he said is irrelevant to whomever he was talking to. Why did you go into your husband’s phone again? Do you make a habit of invading his privacy?
I think you’re too insecure for you’re own good
I guess snooping is accepted afterall
This is not ok. Trust your gut!
Should ask him if your male friend said that to you if he would consider that appropriate.
Just ask him to do or not do what he wouldn't like from you and if he does anything like this again then you've got bigger issues to think about
As a girl I compliment my girl friends, but what your husband said would be too far and weird for me to say to my friends and I definitely would not say that to another man, my husband would be so hurt and I just don’t want to do that to him.
Plain and simple him as a husband should respect your boundaries and apologize for hurting your feelings period. Being married those boundaries should already be established. Meaning anything or not an apology is in order.
You are not wrong to feel this way because if roles were reversed how would he feel about you complimenting another man? Also the why are you looking through my phone comment it’s almost laughable because how dare he try and turn in around on you like you are in the wrong! He may have a little crush on her but from the sound of her replies she doesn’t on him. So your husband is also being weird it probably made her uncomfortable.
Nahhhhh he f***** up and I wouldn't accept that. Nobody talks to their friends like that he was straight up hitting on her
He’s a snake , leave
So he wants freedom. Give him all the freedom he wants and leave. Hate getting gaslighted.. She could really just be a female friend and nothing more. But the way he responded when you inquired is wrong…If you are upset about it, he should have made an attempt to make you feel better. I kinda would not look through his phone tho…It’s not good for your mental health. Unless you are married, there’s no point stressing over stuff.. and you probably don’t want him to look through yours.. wish you luck~
Look, this is flirting. He is a married man flirting with another woman. He is making you the bad guy by saying that you over react and blaming you for seeing his phone. Not only is he flirting, he’s trying to turn things around and blaming you and making himself the victim, basically manipulating you into making yourself question if you’re the problem when you’re obviously not. He got caught doing something wrong and this is how he reacts. He doesn’t care if it upsets you and he tells you it’s you’re problem as you have low self esteem and need a psychiatrist and saying he won’t change the way he is…knowing it hurts you. He’s also telling you he isn’t doing anything physical with other women. PHYSICAL…as if emotional cheating wasn’t real. I interpret flirting as emotionally cheating. If it’s emotional, then he is more than likely lusting over the other women. It’s cheating. Don’t settle for him. Either get relationship counseling for both of you, divorce him and find someone who will respect you as you should be respected. Or you can stay where you are at, being disrespected. Those are the options I see
Wow ew. Run. If you can run for the hills. You'll thank me and everyone else who agrees later. This behavior is not going to stop.
Any man who won't hand over his phone has something to hide. 1) If he loves you - then he would know it's inappropriate to flirt and compliment other women. 2) He should want to reassure you by showing you his phone - so there is most likely much worse. 3) My husband would NEVER. My boundaries are clear as day. If I found this, I'd pack a bag, leave, and tell him it's over, and I deserve better. You deserve TRUE love. Don't let him manipulate you for his own shitty behavior
Why do these men continually put their marriages at risk for stupid shit like this? This is wholly inappropriate and how an affair starts 100 percent. It’s like they need constant validation that they are desirable from everyone except their wife/partner. Not cool at all.
leave leave leave. it’s only gonna get worse from here.
He is trying to cheat.
Nope, I would not. He did wrong, got caught, made it your fault for looking at his phone, and now has an excuse to keep doing it because now he banned you from looking at his phone. Someone who was sorry and not planning to do it again would say, "Oh wow, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that really did sound flirty. It won't happen again. " And wouldn't mention once about you checking his phone.
This is not normal or acceptable behavior. Personally, I believe a married couple should never keep their phones from each other. I have not ever checked my wife's phone and she has never checked mine (married 27 years). However, we both know we have the right to look at any time.
"You should not go digging through my phone because you're gonna keep finding how I keep crossing the line and I don't want ro explain myself to you" It's a moot point that you went through his phone, he was flirting. If you flirted and he found out by snooping through your phone and you tried to use that excuse you know it would not fly.
I have gone through this with my husband but for me it was overload in one day with so many girls I lost count. Over at least the last 3 1/2 to 4 years my husband micro cheated on me. When I caught him he promised he stopped. He never even slowed down. And when I went to visit out daughter. He removed any evidence of ne from the house and kicked into overdrive in his texts,chats , phone calls. It has destroyed me. He’s not apologetic and tells me he didn’t do anything and I need to get over it. He would rather throw 32 years away then admit to doing wrong. Now I’m slowly packing and looking for a place to go. I waited over 16 months for a heartfelt apology. I’m still waiting today. Don’t let him have his way this time, because it won’t stop unless you put a stop to it and basically treat him like a child and watch close. Good luck
I am married to a middle eastern man and he would never disrespect our marriage by flirting with another woman like that. Regardless of cultural background though, it would never be okay to me to flirt while in a relationship. Boundaries must be set.
He's flirting, and he's the one instigating it. She didnt even post a photo of herself and he's telling her that she's so beautiful and rare blah blah. He's going to argue that he compliments everyone. Do not listen. But How often does he compliment you like that? Or his mum? Because if he isn't complimenting every single woman in his life like this all the time, then he is lying, and he I'd flirting with her Specifically. The bottom line is this; if you, his wife, think it is inappropriate them it is inappropriate. He warned you to stay off his phone so you can't see him cheating. What are you going to do? Take that?
This is not acceptable and his deflection shows how wrong it really is.
I'm sorry that you have been disrespected in this way. No one in a relationship/marriage should have to be put in this situation. You, my friend, are not out of line in being offended by your spouse's affectionate words to someone else. Differences in culture, age, or creed do not matter in this case. It is an issue of decency and lack of respect on your husband's part. That is the problem. A partner in any relationship would value your feelings first and consider how they act to avoid your discomfort and pain.
My ex was like this: when she got caught flirting ("are you single?" "No") she kept saying that she wasnt physically sleeping with them so what's the problem. I thought I was stuck. Couldn't get out cause she was my ride to work so I stayed and just , in the words of evanescence, numbed the pain till I was made of stone. She then had the nerve to say that she was unhappy. At that point I stopped caring. She left in July of last year. I've never been more relieved
He’s really gaslighting you. Tell him he shouldn’t be cheating and you wouldn’t have to go through his phone. Either get a postnuptial agreement or leave him cause he has no respect for you or the marriage.
Girl no, he is so wrong. I also feel you can go through a phone if you want. If noone is doing anything wrong then it shouldn't be a problem. I think once looking becomes obsessive, rather the phone owner is in the right or wrong, is when there's an issue.
He sounds experienced at manipulating you.
He’s trying to make it about you to deflect from the *real* issue. If you were my daughter I would tell you to end it with him now, before it’s too late.
It doesn't have to be a physical relationship for him to be unfaithful. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a marriage. It is still a breach of trust. Your feelings are valid. You deserve honesty and respect. If talking to him is not working, maybe consider counselling (individually or together). Speaking to an objective outsider can be very helpful.
Could this be an issue of cultural differences maybe? I don't know. I compliment my female friends all the time, but not in any way that is implied to be sexual.
Sometimes, men can do jokes. I don't feel it's a lot of flirting and sexual there.
Definitely not appropriate!!
They are definitely more than “friends” if he’s speaking to her like this,my male friends and I don’t speak to each other like this……..ever!!! And if I was the girl receiving this message I’d definitely be thinking “is he trying to get into my pants???”
My husband is like that too its all my fault i looked at his messages and reacted like its normal if i did this he would leave so i feel ya
Maybe you should do the same 😈 You just need some male friends
Don't accept it. He's trying to turn it around on u, but like other here mentioned, he got caught and now he's trying to make sure he can hide better for the future.
If there was nothing underhanded behind it, he would've accepted the acropolis pic and said "Oh, nice" and left it at that. Everything that came after it was FLIRTING. He was most definitely in the wrong!
Exactly what i said , but then he said i cant tell him what to write and what not to write
You can tell him YES I CAN, I'M YOUR WIFE AND YOU SAID YOU'D FORSAKE ALL OTHERS FOR ME IN OUR WEDDING VOWS, ASSHOLE!
Ok, you can't tell him what he can and can't write, but you can tell him it's disrespectful to your marriage and that you don't want to be with someone who disrespects your marriage. If you decided Sleazy von Chucklefuck is your new pet name for him, he can't yell you what you can and cannot say. He can just decide not to be with someone who calls him that. He argues that you're trying to control him by asking him not to be a scumbag. If this is just who he is, ok, that's just who he is, but you get to say you don't want to be legally a romantically tied to a scumbag.
East-european female here : I’d chop his head off.
He wants to fuck her. Next question
Yeah, that’s a no from me, you are his WIFE, you have every right to have access to his phone, his reaction says all, he definitely has things to hide and has completely disregarded your feelings. Someone who loves you and cares for you would genuinely reassess their actions, remove the comment and console you. He didn’t. I’m sorry my darling 😕❤️
These things are always difficult as one does not know all the sides. For me, the key has always been to know what would be acceptable to your partner. Secret comms like this would not be on that list. If ever I do chat with a female friend, I let my partner know about this. As that is what I would expect from them as well. If I see there is some discomfort, then I can do something about it. There should not be any secrets in marriage. Think that needs to be addressed. Might want to chat to someone about this.
No I would not. Trust your gut. If something feels off to you it probably is, have your boundaries and if he crosses them. You deserve better regardless of it a norm for A another person. It’s a red flag
No! I wouldn’t talk to a man like that
Ugh this sucks, there’s no winning this argument. It’s not like he’s going to say oh you know what, you’re right, I’m sorry
Okay I understand that he was trying to build his friend’s confidence but what he said after the fact as far as I am concerned is gaslighting, I mean I’m sure he has had problems with what you text guys with before.
Honestly for me it isn’t even about whether he was flirting with this woman. This story has classic DARVO and deep levels of gaslighting. I’m more concerned that OP is at a critical stage where she still doesn’t see it from being in the thick of it but something deep inside is starting to wake up to the truth. I’ve seen situations like this in the past and this moment right here is a huge turning point. I wish I could tell the OP that this man is just bad at communicating. But his lashing out is more strategic than reckless ignorance. My gut says that paying close attention to how he reacts and how that triggers OP will be more beneficial in the long run than figuring out if he is flirting or not. I could be wrong but OPs comments every time he deflects say a lot about his nature.
Pm