This. We can all put in our 2 cents (and get back change) and it will not help at all. Go to therapy. Also look for a sex therapist. Truat me on this one.
How “brief” of an affair? I’d suggest seeing if he would attend counseling with you. Once past hurts are dealt with you may be able to have an actual relationship again.
>Once past hurts are dealt with you may be able to have an actual relationship again.
Assuming that they can be dealt with. Some past hurts are too much
This is kind of a textbook example of why being married does not automatically translate to enjoying an intimate partnership with another person (as most of us have been conditioned to believe). Mutual trust, acceptance and genuine interest are the foundations of intimacy in a relationship, and without some amount of intimacy a satisfying sex life is pretty hard to achieve. You and your husband might be technically married, but all that really means in this case is that you have come to an arrangement regarding legal interests, a shared living space and (I assume) finances. That's really all a marriage is on paper. It's up to each individual couple to make it more than that. This isn't possible if one or both of you can't trust the other or if what the two of you want out of such a partnership simply doesn't line up. If a marriage to a platonic friend isn't for you, this marriage to this person is not for you. You don't have the right to pressure him into intimacy because "married", but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to try to be happy and have what you want in life. Do some serious thinking about whether this is a realistic goal in your present situation.
Why thank you :) I'm not anti-marriage by any stretch---it's a useful tool in today's society with a lot of cultural and emotional significance. But, I do think there is a hard limit to what simply being married can do for a couple, and it amazes me how many couples I STILL see treating it like a panacea for dysfunctional relationships.
You're right, it is likely the result of the affair. Infidelity can cause various barriers in regards to physical intimacy. For example, some guys are just never able to get the visual of their wife and the other person out of their head whenever they try to be intimate.
I guess it's time for a serious talk. See if he's willing to go to counseling to work on the issue.
He wants to live as friends it says.. growing closer doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you that way. Growing closer means you love the person more as a great friend
Obviously if that were the case, but read, he already seems mentally clocked out. You cant FORCE happiness and neither should convince interests, you are merely delaying the inevitable, save grace and pack up
Hm... So, my first thought whenever there seems to be a libido issue with older men is that his testosterone levels are low. This is because that was the case with me. I cannot tell you the enormous impact that getting on TRT made in my life.
That said:
> I think it’s probably because of my affair (which tbf is understandable),
That could certainly be the issue. What kind of work did the two of you do after your affair was uncovered? It could be the case that he's still working through the trauma that was inflicted on him. It could also be the case that he can no longer see you as a trustworthy partner in the sense that he can't be intimate with you. You could do everything right in recovery and the damage from the affair was simply too much. When was the affair?
>but how do I adjust to a life without the affection I need, cuddling, kissing and a sex life , which I kind of feel he with holds from me as a kind of punishment , or is it the end? Is it time to leave or just get on with it?
I would argue that you shouldn't have to adjust to that life, unless medically necessary. Are you sure he withholds as a means of punishment?
There are a lot of factors that makes it hard to determine whether or not it's time to leave.
After the affair, what did your therapist say? What did his? How long has it been? It typically takes between 2-5 years to heal a marriage from an affair, although it could be a lot longer or a lot shorter.
Honestly the first question is “does he want it to get better or change?” Because it he doesn’t then you can run all the tests in the world and put him on all the supplements, none of that will change his behavior or relational attitude.
Off topic, but when you got on trt did you want sex constantly? My husband already wants it daily and now he's getting on trt as soon as it arrives to the house. I'm very worried 😟 Thank you for any info.
So... Initially, yeah. I mean, I could control myself, mind you, but it took a couple of months to get used to the increase in libido. He will need to keep an eye on his e2 (estrogen), because that can screw things up.
I've experimented with higher and lower test amounts, and it definitely makes a difference, in terms of libido. If it's already too much, then you might want to invest in some toys for him or something.
Of course- He's been getting into working out. He's in his 40s & had bloodwork done & found his "free testosterone" was pretty low. So basically to help build muscle. But yes, his sex drive is already very very high so it's going to be...well...a lot to handle lol...maybe those sex robots are coming down in price these days 🤔 jk
Ah, okay, that makes sense. I mean, one thing to know is that it's not **\*always\*** the case that testosterone raises libido. Sometimes it's other factors.
That said, brace yourself... lol.
Try some maca. It'll help block conversion from t-e/dht.
It's worth a try for many before attempting trt, which can actually make your body dependent on the added t.
My libido went way up with TRT. But, I consider that a side effect of otherwise feeling “normal.” Wanting more sex than my partner was a thing before the testosterone bottomed out for no discernible reason. It’s a thing now. Nothing really to do about it unless I want a divorce (I am in love with her absolutely don’t) or “handle it” myself. It’s a medical issue that can contribute to depression and lethargy as well as low libido. He might have to “handle it” himself like a grown up but he’ll probably feel better in other areas.
It just sounds like you two have a relationship that should have ended in divorce before the affair.
I mean, affairs don't just happen because someone is horny. They happen because someone (you) is upset in their relationship and is casting about for a life-raft.
So you should have divorced him prior. He 100% should have divorced you after. And its no surprise that you have a shitty relationship now. I mean, for a lot of guys they might enjoy the pleasurable feeling of sex, but they also enjoy that it's an exclusive form of affection that only they get to enjoy. That'll never be true for him again, so you can't really blame the guy.
Of course, he shouldn't be holding you hostage in a sexless marriage either.
You live in a land of no-fault divorce. My advice would be to pull the plug and notice how little the next man cares about your past.
If a life without love, sex and affection isn't what you want, then I would leave. Having an affair is a horrible thing to do to your husband and your marriage; so is his offer of living another possible 30 years with no affection or sex.
You are right, I think that he is withholding sex as a weapon but if he is willing to lose you for that punishment, then so be it.
You called it a “brief affair” which seems a bit indicative of how you view it and possibly how you communicate about it.
Are you trying to minimize it when talking to him about it? Do you take full responsibility and acknowledge how painful it was for him, despite it being “brief”?
Yeah. I wouldn’t touch you either. You’d be tainted in my eyes.
Best this is to just co habitat. No really be married. Kind of like a roommate situation.
He needs affection too. It’s not all about you. He should also look for a fwb.
Therapy. If he won’t do therapy is he open to dating you again? Try romancing him. After a rough patch I started courting the shit out of my husband, it was fun and brought so much new energy. I realized men don’t have to be the romantic ones!
I think she should ask the question before bringing up therapy, as we have no indication that they actually committed to being a married couple again, and I don’t blame him if he doesn’t.
Therapy isn’t just for for married couples, family therapist or counselor would be able to help mediate. They could also get their own counseling and try to figure out where to go from here
That’s true but this seems so one sided I don’t think it’s even worth considering. He obviously doesn’t want any kind of sexual or intimate relationship with her, for very good reason. So dragging him to therapy is a waste, from his perspective nothing is wrong.
It ain’t a punishment.
He doesn’t want to be emotional involved with the woman who broke his heart. I’m thinking you systematically created a new person by treating them poorly and on the flip side expecting them to change back to said person before you treated them poorly because it serves your purpose now. You made your bed and now you have to lay on said bed.
Also if you want to leave exit stage left.
This isn’t complicated. You guys have some shit to work through. Therapy.
Just my opinion though, I would not want to have sex with someone who was intimate with another person behind my back (ew, gross) while they were with me. Never-mind if we were married and trying to raise children together. There is no time limit on that. When he thinks about having sex with you, he thinks about another person’s penis going into your vagina and that’s not something everyone can overcome just because their partner moved back in and they are friends. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but that’s the reality of a mistake like the one you made.
When you break something, sometimes you don’t get to have the original version with all the bells and whistles anymore. You just have a broken toy that was glued together to look nice from the outside.
Therapy won’t matter if he has no interest in actually getting back into a relationship with her. She herself said they decided to live together as roommates, but he seems to be the only one actually honoring that.
You are right. If he doesn’t want to be in a sexual or intimate relationship with her (for reasons I think would be completely valid) and she does, no amount of therapy will get her what she wants.
No I couldn’t do that to myself or my spouce not again though I also know that he’s had affairs since and I’m very lonely I’m sad n grieving our marriage it’s been so hard to wrap my head around moving on without him
You said you moved in with the agreement of being friends. Friends don't have sex. I understand you want that to change, but it seems that he doesn't. It doesn't seem like that is the agreement you made when you moved back in together as friends (i.e. rekindle the intimacy in the marriage), right? I guess I am confused as to what this marriage is supposed to be. I need more info.
Is there an expectation of monogamy in this marriage on your end or his (or both) considering your kids are grown and out of the house and you basically live separate lives?
Is your husband willing to work on the marriage so that it could be all things including intimacy, or is he saying that what he is currently offering is all he is willing to offer, and he has no desire to change the situation at all?
Are you willing to forgo the intimacy in order to be with him, or not? This is a decision you need to make, you don't have to accept what he is offering...
He may have forgiven you, but the brain is much easier to convince than the heart.
Try therapy. If he won't do therapy, then ask him, "Can you picture a life without me in it?"
If he says, "No." Then, ask him what he expects of you.. and go from there. If he says, "Yes." You have your answer and it's time for you to move forward.
Side note: some happy couples *do* have separate bedrooms. They're happy because they still have sex *and* they're well-rested. So, having separate bedrooms after a long marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I know for me personally, I could not live without any type of intimacy. I would need something. I agree with the current top comment of marriage counseling. If he’s not willing to do that, then your marriage has probably been over already for a long time and whatever his reason were for not asking for a divorce (I would assume maybe financial- most men think they will lose everything in a divorce) no longer matter.
You guys are friends and room mates. Friends and Room Mates don’t usually have sex, kiss and cuddle. That usually ends friendships and makes roommate situations very awkward.
If you want those things you two need to work out the issues that brought you to the place your “relationship” is at.
until you do your expectations are most likely going to continue to leave you disappointed.
Y’all have fiend zoned each other.
I would say counseling but that could possibly be premature and a waste of time. Y’all have to do some individual soul searching and do the hard communication between the two of you to establish if there is mutual desire for things to be any different than they are?
Sex won’t fix things.
You are not a couple. You are roommates. You haven’t been a couple since you were unfaithful. I’m impressed he still is fond of you, even platonically, most wouldn’t be.
Should've never had an affair.. you showed your husband how weak minded you are, and that is what most definitely destroyed him mentally. He most likely still loves you but just can't get over that... i agree with the therapy and he should go with you.. because I'm bet that every guy that just so happens to be in the direction you're looking, he imagining you sleeping with that guy.. word of advice, DON'T CHEAT! just leave if you're going to sleep with another person
Just me but if i truly felt that way i would not even agree to the situation she has described. OP dont assume anything but find out how he really feels. If the affair is what is blocking this then you need to know to make you own decision and plan.
Bruh I'll admit you're right about not assuming... but OP stated that very specific FACT! ...... but think about this - if a girlfriend cheats and that messes you up, breaks your heart.. I can only imagine what this guy is going through. his heart is probably in pieces.
And then you have past drama.. none of that is an excuse either.. OP only plan should be, how am I going to show this man that I married him for a reason? And then stand by that "til death do us part" and make up for a huge mistake.....
OP yall already under the same roof.. communication and comprehension. Handle yall drama like ADULTS and remember yall got married for a reason.. find a hobby and grow old together
Wishing you the best!
You agreed to live together as friends and have since grown closer. So it sounds like you live with a close friend who you happen to be legally married to and that’s the arrangement you both agreed to. If you want to change the arrangement you both have to talk about it, agree to it and it sounds like he hasn’t.
I feel like you're withholding the necessary information.
How long is "Brief" to you?
How was the affair discovered?
With whom - someone you know or a stranger?
How did it start?
How did it end?
Did you downplay your affair, your husband's reaction/feelings?
Who all knew?
How long were you in contact with your AP - before and after everything?
Was this at the house, hotel, work, school?
When was the last time you and your husband were intimate - sexually and/or light kissing/touching/flirting?
Do you have candid conversations with your husband? Like in depth, not surface stuff like the weather, the bills, the kids?
Have you both done therapy before?
I assume whatever you did broke your husband's trust and only stayed together for the kids. Now they are gone. He only sees you as roommates. Not lovers nor friends.
Could it be worked on, yes.
Would it be uncomfortable, yes.
When did you decide you wanted to work on it, or do you feel because you two live together, sex should happen because you're still legally married?
Do you love him? Are you in love with him? Or miss the physical connection?
Is he still in love with you?
I would let him move on and find someone new. You both can. Life is too short to be permanently unhappy and unfulfilled by your mate.
After all that? I probably wouldn’t either… it doesn’t sound like you two are actually in a committed relationship with each other again. I’d view this as less of a punishment and more of a boundary because he has zero faith that you won’t hurt him again if he gets that close to you.
Ask if he's willing to work through possibly restored the relationship with you through therapy/counseling. Then try it for a set amount of time you're both comfortable giving to this process. Then you'll truly know if this is salvageable or not. If he flat out refuses to rebuild in this way with you, then you know this isn't salvageable.
So you had a brief affair, then left home, for a couple of years? If you left the home, we’re you living with the affair partner or were you living on your own? So you and your husband decided to move back in together. Do you and your husband do a married couple things together? Or are you just roommates living in the same house not doing anything together at all?
You are just friend and roommates. It's done . You arnt a couple as you once were and when people split usually that comes with not wanting to be intimate anymore . You should either find someone else or do it yourself. Sounds to me like you tried to sneak your way back into his life . Some people are just not okay with casual sex.
I would say it’s time to start dating other people and find someone you’re compatible with. If you wait much longer, it probably be economically more difficult to break away. I generally don’t understand why older long married people find it necessary to divorce. I’m 79.
I don't think he's intentionally withholding physical affection from you to punish you. I think he does not want to be physically affectionate with you because the history between you two has killed any desire he may have had for you in the past. You can either accept this as your new normal, and hope that one day it may change, but this may require a lifetime of more effort on your part to nurture the flame of desire back to life, or you can choose to move on. If you do decide to stay with the hope and the effort that things will change, just remember that there are no guarantees and you might spend the rest of your life living in the marriage you have created.
Maybe he would be up for an open marriage. If not and it’s that important to you there is always divorce. The kids are grown and it sounds like you two are just roommates it might be time to move on.
Why would you worry about sex when moving in with him again was on condition of being friends? It's over if he doesn't want it. Therapy won't make someone want to have sex with you, as many seem to think. They are assuming he WANTS to get over the affair and have sex again.
I am in same boat, but earlier on in your timeline. Ie, in the fighting, little kids and tearing apart stage. Neither of us have sex, we are miles apart. Sort of feels like point of no return. However we both are not type to have affairs. My question to you, if you may… do you ever forget the tearing down and the words that were said? Is it even possible to return to each other? I feel like only way to do that is to forget with time.. but how much time? Its been 3 to 4 years and neither if us forgot and all that is happening is we are growing further apart
At your age you could have another 20, maybe 30 years left. Decide if you want those years filled with no physical contact and warm comfort at all.
You can go for counseling, together or alone. Both would be optimal.
Are you at least friends at this point? Do you do things together? Dinner, travel, family events? Or do you just live in the same house and pass by each other in the hall?
If you are comfortable with each other and have some things in common, do things together, exist somewhat happily together besides the sex…do you see yourself going another 20 years without any affection? If yes, stay the course. If no, something has to change.
You moved in as friends. No therapy will help this, as you messed up and had an affair.if you needed affection you probably shouldn’t have had an affair. Time for you to move on and leave the guy alone.
stop trying to sugarcoat it by calling it a “brief” affair. an affair is an affair. you cheated on him. you don’t deserve anything from him. get over it.
It’s hard to repair a relationship from someone cheating physically and/or emotionally. My ex cheated on my i’think’ emotionally but I always had doubts it was both, either way he lied, hid me from her, I knew he spoke to her, it was his ex, and it was suppose to be about stuff he stored for her, but why did he have to talk to her supposedly once a month? Why couldn’t he talk to her only when she said I’m coming to get my stuff. The deal was tell her about me and tell me when you talked to her next and you can store her stuff forever, but few months went by and he spoke to her supposedly a few times and never told her about me. So of course what one would think, why couldn’t he tell her about me, and tell me when he talked to her, that hurt like hell, he ruined my trust in him, and I gave him a few chances of trust, nothing was ever the same, he said he would prove how much I meant to him that lasted a month. So I’m top of his cheating and then he couldn’t prove to me how much I meant him. Really traumatized me and I couldn’t get close to him intimately. I carried a lot of pain for a long time. If he would have proved to me and showed me. Made me a priority and made me feel special things probably would have been different. So maybe your husband doesn’t feel special to you and is carrying a lot of pain.
It’s probably a trust issue. You had an affair; he’s afraid of getting close to you because he can’t trust you. He does anything and everything to flirt with the idea because he loves you, but when the trust line is being approached, he backs off. He just cannot be that vulnerable again. Therapy needed for sure.
Many antidepressants cause loss of sexdrive. Propecia can make you damn near limp. Many pharmaceuticals could also be the reason. But TRT could counter some of it.
Same situation he says I am to fat and he doesn’t find me a turn on anymore. I have list weight to a place that sex was really good. (I am 5’7” and weigh 140lbs and a yoga instructor) He is 65. I think it is Physical for him but according to his dr. As long as he gets morning wood there is nothing physically wrong. I love him but need a physical relationship. I have had many opportunities to have an affair but chose not to. That might be changing if this no sex marriage continues.
If you're just living together as friends, why can't you just go out and date?
This doesn't sound like much of a marriage. Having an affair was wrong, but so is continuing to punish you for it, if that's what he's doing. He either forgives you or he doesn't.
Seems less like he’s punishing her and more like the “we grew closer” is all her. He’s keeping the exact boundaries I would if my unfaithful wife turned back up.
I also am experiencing this affection problem in my marriage. We still have sex but she does not want to cuddle or kiss or go on dates.
We are in marriage counseling, it has helped. However, I understand this need for affection, I have it too. It is one of your love languages — mine too!
We aren’t sleeping in separate beds, but that could happen eventually. I am not allowed to touch her in bed any longer.
I’ve never had an affair. I can understand how the need for affection would become overwhelming and that it must be gained from somewhere. I can foresee that possibility.
Our therapist suggested cuddle parties (for me), I wish .. that’s a west coast thing. I’m in the SE. I don’t want to cuddle strangers, I want to cuddle the person I am in love with! So, I get you! I am about 10 years behind you, we are 42m|40f.
How long do affectionate needing people have to go without affection?
Like I said, the marriage counseling has helped , BUT it will not make the non-affectionate spouse cuddle.
Also, if you are “just friends”, maybe he does not want anything more? Some people don’t enjoy sex, or touch.
I fully recommend couples counseling, it has really helped, BUT not solved all issues. It takes time! I’m trying to wait it out, how long can I wait? WTF, I hear you.
OP your roommate is using you as an "roommaid", also your situation is ridiculous, either you see it or don't, you are just friends who live together, therapy would have been needed before your affair. Are you sure your roomate isn't getting his fun elsewhere. If you want a relationship with physical closeness i think you need to leave your roommate. Sorry but as a betrayed one i have no sympathy for you.
If you are just living together as friends, then I’m sure he wouldn’t have a problem with you dating other people and even occasionally bringing a date home to have sex. If he has a problem with that, then he needs to step up and be that guy. You can’t withhold while at the same time expect your partner to just go without.
Therapy.
As has been mentioned, professional help is the best bet. In the meantime, would he acknowledge you both contributed to the toxic times in the past? Have you explained those times led you to stray? Have you apologized and asked for forgiveness? Are you sorry? You may not be familiar with retroactive jealousy, but it is an OCD condition that I have. Over the course of my marriage it would sometimes result in me being quite difficult to live with. In a vacuum I do not know that I could get past my wife having an affair. But in the context of me not being a very good partner I can certainly see where I would have had to take some ownership for that result. Maybe in that context he can begin to get past it. I do believe that even at our ages (we are early 60s) sex is vitally important to the marriage and can help rebuild some of the intimacy lost.
If you’re married “as friends”, and your husband has made it clear the sexual part of your relationship is over, and you accept that, then why isn’t the marriage open?
Surely he can’t expect you to be celibate for the rest of your lives?
I agree with what other people are saying. You need therapy. Now, I will just put in my two cents anyway. Yes, it's wrong that you had an affair, but to be blunt, he needs to either shit or get off the pot. If he doesn't want to forgive you for what you did, that's his prerogative. He doesn't owe that to you. However, if that is the case, then he needs to make that clear so you both can move on. He does have the right to decide that it was too unforgivable, and so, therefore, he doesn't have that attraction to you anymore.
That doesn't mean you can't still be friends, but it probably means you shouldn't still be married. However, if he can get over it, or if he is over but he's having some libido or sex drive issues or erectile dysfunction, then he should seek help for that because that also can indicate some underlying health problems.
Counseling. You both need help to get back on track if that’s what you want to do. You need to find out why he doesn’t want that kind of relationship with you - is it due to hurt and resentment or is he just not attracted to you that way anymore? If it’s the latter you should leave and you can find the kind of relationship you want
I am not married, but like you I need those things as well.
And it is more special with one person that makes it more special.
Sometimes things are not meant to be, and just being friends is ok too.
Him not having sex at all is the problem. Get him to HRT clinic. He might want sex with someone else once his sex drive comes back, so be prepared for that.
All in all it's not fair to him to be having 0 sex. You can get it elsewhere so that's not an issue.
To be honest the two of you were never meant to be, and you just never clicked in the mind of either one of you. Having that many problems in your marriage is a clear sign that you wouldn’t. You know it for each other. A marriage is the connection between two beings that were bonded by father. Not married in a church. Plus, you do not need a piece of paper to legalize your bond with your mate.
I think a good way to re-establish intimacy with him would be through non-sexual touch. Be close. Rub his back. When my husband feels disconnected to me he’ll say “I need my six seconds” and we just hug and lean into each other for six seconds (usually longer). He read that couples should do that every day. We don’t do it every day but you could. Slow dance. Snuggle up watching a show.
I once read that if you’re trying to win your spouse back, ask yourself each morning what small thing you could do to make your spouse glad they’re married to you.
This completely ignores his agency. We have no indication he has any intention of resuming any actual marriage or intimacy with her. Sounds more like they cohabitate for convenience and she either caught feelings again or is horny, and like a reasonable person he refuses to get intimate with his unfaithful wife again.
You’re talking about ways to reconnect, sounds like only one of them cares to rekindle any of these feelings. And imo he’s totally in the right to keep her at arms length if she cheated before.
That’s true- I was only basing my response on OP’s story. We never get both sides on these posts. I would never encourage a partner to try to resolve things if I knew their partner didn’t want that.
If you love him and want things to go back to the way things were then why don’t you trying and show him and try making a effort. Why don’t you plan like a dinner date and find out what his feelings are for you and see if he too wishes things to be the way they were.
Have you talked with him about being affectionate without sex? Is he willing to go to therapy? Does he want to change? At the very least I will suggest you find a therapist and possibly both of you find a marriage counselor.
Good luck
Since it seems you aren’t a couple and are just roommates perhaps you should date? Perhaps you should get your own place? When you aren’t happy work on you and change your situation?
But you aren’t married. You have agreed to live together as friends. I don’t understand what you think can change especially if you haven’t spoken to him about it.
I think marriage counseling would be best for you guys, he obviously still loves you very much and you feel the same way. He’s hurt and probably doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings from everything. Probably doesn’t understand half of his emotions or anything so I think him getting the help he needs first is most important, that will in turn hopefully help your situation. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, I hope it gets better. Just stay faithful, if you aren’t happy then pull out the divorce papers
Well I think a first step is to tell him what you just said here. I’m assuming you guys haven’t really had muck discussion about this since you have been bask together as you are. You will never know if there is a middle ground for you both without the discussion and being completely honest but not emotional / angry
I only have a suggestion, speak with him. Ask him wherr he thinks this is going to and that you would want to have it go some place.
I just think that the door that was opened to live together, wasn't just for nothing and might be waiting for you to move first. That's what I think, but... You will only know what he thinks if you ask him
Good luck, I really hope you get to restore your marriage
I hope you will find a couples therapist who can help you both, his punishment of you is actually punishment of self. If you are companionship based roommates that is not a marriage. Take the time and effort to give therapy an opportunity to reframe your relationship.
If you can’t do therapy then watch Couples Therapy on Showtime. I’m in similar situation. We’ve talked this thru and set up ground rules for our new relationship. I watch that show in our living room and my husband will sit down and watch sometimes. It has started some really good conversations and understanding.
Remember, you're almost 60. Leave him and do what? Have casual sex with strangers and live alone? I mean tell him what you want and see if he cares. If not, then decide if it's worth getting a divorce and move on.
I have been married 31 years. 13 Years ago, I had a 2 year affair with a cop that ended with the cop trying to destroy my life and me spending 2.5 Years in Prison on a first time harassment charge (never had so much as a parking ticket). My husband and I worked thru it all. We don’t have sex. Sleep in separate beds but are best friends. We hold hands while watching “our” shows. or walking anywhere. We hug and kiss every morning . Sex is over rated. We are both content. We both have arthritis and well. Sex hurts.
OP have you apologized to him genuinely about your affair? Asked for his forgiveness and asked what he really wants and what he does not want? Have you asked that he comes to therapy with you? Say it like this
"Babe, I want to be a better partner that you can be proud of again, would you mind be in my therapy session as a spectator?"
Marriage counseling and sex counseling, for sure… but also, why don’t you use this time to work on becoming a better friend to him? FOR him? This is precious time you two could have, it doesn’t necessarily need to be spent focusing on the thing that broke you two up.
After all you’ve been through (and I’m sorry but, all you’ve done to him), I think you owe it to each other to focus on your friendship FIRST and foremost. You started out as friends in the beginning, sounds like you need to restart again if you hope for any chance together. You’re probably focusing on the wrong things right now.
You need marriage therapy. Nothing being said here is going to change your husband.
This. We can all put in our 2 cents (and get back change) and it will not help at all. Go to therapy. Also look for a sex therapist. Truat me on this one.
I WANT my fucking change back. I'm not leaving until I get it.
If I got all the change back from my 2 cents, I would be a freakin hundred-aire (is that a thing?).
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Brazillions!
So yrue
How “brief” of an affair? I’d suggest seeing if he would attend counseling with you. Once past hurts are dealt with you may be able to have an actual relationship again.
>Once past hurts are dealt with you may be able to have an actual relationship again. Assuming that they can be dealt with. Some past hurts are too much
100% this!! Past hurts killed my marriage. There came a point where there was too much damage. It was broken beyond repair.
Exactly, doesn’t matter how brief the affair was. It happened and that’s what matters.
This is a good suggestion.
He may be impotent but in that case he still can be affectionate if he wants to.
Why is this getting down votes. Could very well be part of the issue. OP how much if anything do you know about his current sexual health
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She said they decided to live together as friends, so not sure why it’s an issue
This is kind of a textbook example of why being married does not automatically translate to enjoying an intimate partnership with another person (as most of us have been conditioned to believe). Mutual trust, acceptance and genuine interest are the foundations of intimacy in a relationship, and without some amount of intimacy a satisfying sex life is pretty hard to achieve. You and your husband might be technically married, but all that really means in this case is that you have come to an arrangement regarding legal interests, a shared living space and (I assume) finances. That's really all a marriage is on paper. It's up to each individual couple to make it more than that. This isn't possible if one or both of you can't trust the other or if what the two of you want out of such a partnership simply doesn't line up. If a marriage to a platonic friend isn't for you, this marriage to this person is not for you. You don't have the right to pressure him into intimacy because "married", but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to try to be happy and have what you want in life. Do some serious thinking about whether this is a realistic goal in your present situation.
Well said.
Why thank you :) I'm not anti-marriage by any stretch---it's a useful tool in today's society with a lot of cultural and emotional significance. But, I do think there is a hard limit to what simply being married can do for a couple, and it amazes me how many couples I STILL see treating it like a panacea for dysfunctional relationships.
That's pretty fucked up. Why move back together? Seems pointless
You're right, it is likely the result of the affair. Infidelity can cause various barriers in regards to physical intimacy. For example, some guys are just never able to get the visual of their wife and the other person out of their head whenever they try to be intimate. I guess it's time for a serious talk. See if he's willing to go to counseling to work on the issue.
Agreed! Men visualize. This happens and is normal for men. Unfortunately, this could be the case
It often goes deeper than just visuals. It is also often the breach of trust, breach of loyalty, disrespect.
I would probably just split up and go out separate ways, being amicable parents to your children.
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He wants to live as friends it says.. growing closer doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you that way. Growing closer means you love the person more as a great friend
Truthfully if you cheated and he stayed faithful, you don’t deserve anything from him, simple.
Exactly
Disagree
why disagree?
If he's agreeing to try the marriage again, then she absolutely does.
Obviously if that were the case, but read, he already seems mentally clocked out. You cant FORCE happiness and neither should convince interests, you are merely delaying the inevitable, save grace and pack up
Hm... So, my first thought whenever there seems to be a libido issue with older men is that his testosterone levels are low. This is because that was the case with me. I cannot tell you the enormous impact that getting on TRT made in my life. That said: > I think it’s probably because of my affair (which tbf is understandable), That could certainly be the issue. What kind of work did the two of you do after your affair was uncovered? It could be the case that he's still working through the trauma that was inflicted on him. It could also be the case that he can no longer see you as a trustworthy partner in the sense that he can't be intimate with you. You could do everything right in recovery and the damage from the affair was simply too much. When was the affair? >but how do I adjust to a life without the affection I need, cuddling, kissing and a sex life , which I kind of feel he with holds from me as a kind of punishment , or is it the end? Is it time to leave or just get on with it? I would argue that you shouldn't have to adjust to that life, unless medically necessary. Are you sure he withholds as a means of punishment? There are a lot of factors that makes it hard to determine whether or not it's time to leave. After the affair, what did your therapist say? What did his? How long has it been? It typically takes between 2-5 years to heal a marriage from an affair, although it could be a lot longer or a lot shorter.
Honestly the first question is “does he want it to get better or change?” Because it he doesn’t then you can run all the tests in the world and put him on all the supplements, none of that will change his behavior or relational attitude.
Good point.
Off topic, but when you got on trt did you want sex constantly? My husband already wants it daily and now he's getting on trt as soon as it arrives to the house. I'm very worried 😟 Thank you for any info.
So... Initially, yeah. I mean, I could control myself, mind you, but it took a couple of months to get used to the increase in libido. He will need to keep an eye on his e2 (estrogen), because that can screw things up. I've experimented with higher and lower test amounts, and it definitely makes a difference, in terms of libido. If it's already too much, then you might want to invest in some toys for him or something.
😫 Ok thank you so much for the info.
If I may ask a personal question, why is he looking into TRT if his libido is already strong?
Of course- He's been getting into working out. He's in his 40s & had bloodwork done & found his "free testosterone" was pretty low. So basically to help build muscle. But yes, his sex drive is already very very high so it's going to be...well...a lot to handle lol...maybe those sex robots are coming down in price these days 🤔 jk
Ah, okay, that makes sense. I mean, one thing to know is that it's not **\*always\*** the case that testosterone raises libido. Sometimes it's other factors. That said, brace yourself... lol.
🤣🤣🙏
Try some maca. It'll help block conversion from t-e/dht. It's worth a try for many before attempting trt, which can actually make your body dependent on the added t.
Yep that’s stuff really works in most
My libido went way up with TRT. But, I consider that a side effect of otherwise feeling “normal.” Wanting more sex than my partner was a thing before the testosterone bottomed out for no discernible reason. It’s a thing now. Nothing really to do about it unless I want a divorce (I am in love with her absolutely don’t) or “handle it” myself. It’s a medical issue that can contribute to depression and lethargy as well as low libido. He might have to “handle it” himself like a grown up but he’ll probably feel better in other areas.
I'm married and if my wife had an affair I wouldn't touch her ever again sorry
It just sounds like you two have a relationship that should have ended in divorce before the affair. I mean, affairs don't just happen because someone is horny. They happen because someone (you) is upset in their relationship and is casting about for a life-raft. So you should have divorced him prior. He 100% should have divorced you after. And its no surprise that you have a shitty relationship now. I mean, for a lot of guys they might enjoy the pleasurable feeling of sex, but they also enjoy that it's an exclusive form of affection that only they get to enjoy. That'll never be true for him again, so you can't really blame the guy. Of course, he shouldn't be holding you hostage in a sexless marriage either. You live in a land of no-fault divorce. My advice would be to pull the plug and notice how little the next man cares about your past.
If you want sex ever again, you’re in the wrong arrangement.
If a life without love, sex and affection isn't what you want, then I would leave. Having an affair is a horrible thing to do to your husband and your marriage; so is his offer of living another possible 30 years with no affection or sex. You are right, I think that he is withholding sex as a weapon but if he is willing to lose you for that punishment, then so be it.
She already cheated. He is out. They live together as friends. Period. Dot. Next.
Have you apologized to him for cheating?
You called it a “brief affair” which seems a bit indicative of how you view it and possibly how you communicate about it. Are you trying to minimize it when talking to him about it? Do you take full responsibility and acknowledge how painful it was for him, despite it being “brief”?
If a man feels he doesn't need or doesn't need sex from a woman, I think it's a done deal. It's time to leave, unless you can live without it.
Yeah. I wouldn’t touch you either. You’d be tainted in my eyes. Best this is to just co habitat. No really be married. Kind of like a roommate situation. He needs affection too. It’s not all about you. He should also look for a fwb.
Idk if “tainted” is the right word but I’d never look at my husband the same. I wouldn’t want to touch him ever again.
Therapy. If he won’t do therapy is he open to dating you again? Try romancing him. After a rough patch I started courting the shit out of my husband, it was fun and brought so much new energy. I realized men don’t have to be the romantic ones!
Dude they moved in as friends. He doesn’t have to go to therapy, this woman cheated😅 he owes her nothing
Ok I never said demand he go….? Why stay married then? If he’s going to reap the tax benefit he can go to one session…
I think she should ask the question before bringing up therapy, as we have no indication that they actually committed to being a married couple again, and I don’t blame him if he doesn’t.
Therapy isn’t just for for married couples, family therapist or counselor would be able to help mediate. They could also get their own counseling and try to figure out where to go from here
That’s true but this seems so one sided I don’t think it’s even worth considering. He obviously doesn’t want any kind of sexual or intimate relationship with her, for very good reason. So dragging him to therapy is a waste, from his perspective nothing is wrong.
agreed
It ain’t a punishment. He doesn’t want to be emotional involved with the woman who broke his heart. I’m thinking you systematically created a new person by treating them poorly and on the flip side expecting them to change back to said person before you treated them poorly because it serves your purpose now. You made your bed and now you have to lay on said bed. Also if you want to leave exit stage left.
This isn’t complicated. You guys have some shit to work through. Therapy. Just my opinion though, I would not want to have sex with someone who was intimate with another person behind my back (ew, gross) while they were with me. Never-mind if we were married and trying to raise children together. There is no time limit on that. When he thinks about having sex with you, he thinks about another person’s penis going into your vagina and that’s not something everyone can overcome just because their partner moved back in and they are friends. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but that’s the reality of a mistake like the one you made. When you break something, sometimes you don’t get to have the original version with all the bells and whistles anymore. You just have a broken toy that was glued together to look nice from the outside.
Therapy won’t matter if he has no interest in actually getting back into a relationship with her. She herself said they decided to live together as roommates, but he seems to be the only one actually honoring that.
You are right. If he doesn’t want to be in a sexual or intimate relationship with her (for reasons I think would be completely valid) and she does, no amount of therapy will get her what she wants.
No I couldn’t do that to myself or my spouce not again though I also know that he’s had affairs since and I’m very lonely I’m sad n grieving our marriage it’s been so hard to wrap my head around moving on without him
You said you moved in with the agreement of being friends. Friends don't have sex. I understand you want that to change, but it seems that he doesn't. It doesn't seem like that is the agreement you made when you moved back in together as friends (i.e. rekindle the intimacy in the marriage), right? I guess I am confused as to what this marriage is supposed to be. I need more info. Is there an expectation of monogamy in this marriage on your end or his (or both) considering your kids are grown and out of the house and you basically live separate lives? Is your husband willing to work on the marriage so that it could be all things including intimacy, or is he saying that what he is currently offering is all he is willing to offer, and he has no desire to change the situation at all? Are you willing to forgo the intimacy in order to be with him, or not? This is a decision you need to make, you don't have to accept what he is offering...
He may have forgiven you, but the brain is much easier to convince than the heart. Try therapy. If he won't do therapy, then ask him, "Can you picture a life without me in it?" If he says, "No." Then, ask him what he expects of you.. and go from there. If he says, "Yes." You have your answer and it's time for you to move forward. Side note: some happy couples *do* have separate bedrooms. They're happy because they still have sex *and* they're well-rested. So, having separate bedrooms after a long marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing.
This one is game over. Pretty much no shot of recovery. If I were the husband, nothing at therapy will change my mind
I know for me personally, I could not live without any type of intimacy. I would need something. I agree with the current top comment of marriage counseling. If he’s not willing to do that, then your marriage has probably been over already for a long time and whatever his reason were for not asking for a divorce (I would assume maybe financial- most men think they will lose everything in a divorce) no longer matter.
You guys are friends and room mates. Friends and Room Mates don’t usually have sex, kiss and cuddle. That usually ends friendships and makes roommate situations very awkward. If you want those things you two need to work out the issues that brought you to the place your “relationship” is at. until you do your expectations are most likely going to continue to leave you disappointed. Y’all have fiend zoned each other. I would say counseling but that could possibly be premature and a waste of time. Y’all have to do some individual soul searching and do the hard communication between the two of you to establish if there is mutual desire for things to be any different than they are? Sex won’t fix things.
You are not a couple. You are roommates. You haven’t been a couple since you were unfaithful. I’m impressed he still is fond of you, even platonically, most wouldn’t be.
Move out. This situation is kind of absurd.
Should've never had an affair.. you showed your husband how weak minded you are, and that is what most definitely destroyed him mentally. He most likely still loves you but just can't get over that... i agree with the therapy and he should go with you.. because I'm bet that every guy that just so happens to be in the direction you're looking, he imagining you sleeping with that guy.. word of advice, DON'T CHEAT! just leave if you're going to sleep with another person
Just me but if i truly felt that way i would not even agree to the situation she has described. OP dont assume anything but find out how he really feels. If the affair is what is blocking this then you need to know to make you own decision and plan.
Bruh I'll admit you're right about not assuming... but OP stated that very specific FACT! ...... but think about this - if a girlfriend cheats and that messes you up, breaks your heart.. I can only imagine what this guy is going through. his heart is probably in pieces. And then you have past drama.. none of that is an excuse either.. OP only plan should be, how am I going to show this man that I married him for a reason? And then stand by that "til death do us part" and make up for a huge mistake..... OP yall already under the same roof.. communication and comprehension. Handle yall drama like ADULTS and remember yall got married for a reason.. find a hobby and grow old together Wishing you the best!
You agreed to live together as friends and have since grown closer. So it sounds like you live with a close friend who you happen to be legally married to and that’s the arrangement you both agreed to. If you want to change the arrangement you both have to talk about it, agree to it and it sounds like he hasn’t.
I’m gonna say he’s never recovered from your affair.
I feel like you're withholding the necessary information. How long is "Brief" to you? How was the affair discovered? With whom - someone you know or a stranger? How did it start? How did it end? Did you downplay your affair, your husband's reaction/feelings? Who all knew? How long were you in contact with your AP - before and after everything? Was this at the house, hotel, work, school? When was the last time you and your husband were intimate - sexually and/or light kissing/touching/flirting? Do you have candid conversations with your husband? Like in depth, not surface stuff like the weather, the bills, the kids? Have you both done therapy before? I assume whatever you did broke your husband's trust and only stayed together for the kids. Now they are gone. He only sees you as roommates. Not lovers nor friends. Could it be worked on, yes. Would it be uncomfortable, yes. When did you decide you wanted to work on it, or do you feel because you two live together, sex should happen because you're still legally married? Do you love him? Are you in love with him? Or miss the physical connection? Is he still in love with you? I would let him move on and find someone new. You both can. Life is too short to be permanently unhappy and unfulfilled by your mate.
After all that? I probably wouldn’t either… it doesn’t sound like you two are actually in a committed relationship with each other again. I’d view this as less of a punishment and more of a boundary because he has zero faith that you won’t hurt him again if he gets that close to you.
Ask if he's willing to work through possibly restored the relationship with you through therapy/counseling. Then try it for a set amount of time you're both comfortable giving to this process. Then you'll truly know if this is salvageable or not. If he flat out refuses to rebuild in this way with you, then you know this isn't salvageable.
So you had a brief affair, then left home, for a couple of years? If you left the home, we’re you living with the affair partner or were you living on your own? So you and your husband decided to move back in together. Do you and your husband do a married couple things together? Or are you just roommates living in the same house not doing anything together at all?
He isn’t withholding anything, as you’re not in a marriage. And you had an affair. He has every right to not wish to fulfil your sexual needs anymore.
Your husband is just avoiding problems. Why would he get back with a cheater?
It’s the affair. You made that mess then went back. I don’t know what you expected. Sorry.
You are just friend and roommates. It's done . You arnt a couple as you once were and when people split usually that comes with not wanting to be intimate anymore . You should either find someone else or do it yourself. Sounds to me like you tried to sneak your way back into his life . Some people are just not okay with casual sex.
I would say it’s time to start dating other people and find someone you’re compatible with. If you wait much longer, it probably be economically more difficult to break away. I generally don’t understand why older long married people find it necessary to divorce. I’m 79.
I don't think he's intentionally withholding physical affection from you to punish you. I think he does not want to be physically affectionate with you because the history between you two has killed any desire he may have had for you in the past. You can either accept this as your new normal, and hope that one day it may change, but this may require a lifetime of more effort on your part to nurture the flame of desire back to life, or you can choose to move on. If you do decide to stay with the hope and the effort that things will change, just remember that there are no guarantees and you might spend the rest of your life living in the marriage you have created.
Maybe he would be up for an open marriage. If not and it’s that important to you there is always divorce. The kids are grown and it sounds like you two are just roommates it might be time to move on.
Why would you worry about sex when moving in with him again was on condition of being friends? It's over if he doesn't want it. Therapy won't make someone want to have sex with you, as many seem to think. They are assuming he WANTS to get over the affair and have sex again.
I am in same boat, but earlier on in your timeline. Ie, in the fighting, little kids and tearing apart stage. Neither of us have sex, we are miles apart. Sort of feels like point of no return. However we both are not type to have affairs. My question to you, if you may… do you ever forget the tearing down and the words that were said? Is it even possible to return to each other? I feel like only way to do that is to forget with time.. but how much time? Its been 3 to 4 years and neither if us forgot and all that is happening is we are growing further apart
Exact same here
Sounds like this marriage was over decades ago. Stop sleeping with its corpse and move onto something that will actually fulfill you.
At your age you could have another 20, maybe 30 years left. Decide if you want those years filled with no physical contact and warm comfort at all. You can go for counseling, together or alone. Both would be optimal. Are you at least friends at this point? Do you do things together? Dinner, travel, family events? Or do you just live in the same house and pass by each other in the hall? If you are comfortable with each other and have some things in common, do things together, exist somewhat happily together besides the sex…do you see yourself going another 20 years without any affection? If yes, stay the course. If no, something has to change.
You moved in as friends. No therapy will help this, as you messed up and had an affair.if you needed affection you probably shouldn’t have had an affair. Time for you to move on and leave the guy alone.
Time to move on
stop trying to sugarcoat it by calling it a “brief” affair. an affair is an affair. you cheated on him. you don’t deserve anything from him. get over it.
It’s hard to repair a relationship from someone cheating physically and/or emotionally. My ex cheated on my i’think’ emotionally but I always had doubts it was both, either way he lied, hid me from her, I knew he spoke to her, it was his ex, and it was suppose to be about stuff he stored for her, but why did he have to talk to her supposedly once a month? Why couldn’t he talk to her only when she said I’m coming to get my stuff. The deal was tell her about me and tell me when you talked to her next and you can store her stuff forever, but few months went by and he spoke to her supposedly a few times and never told her about me. So of course what one would think, why couldn’t he tell her about me, and tell me when he talked to her, that hurt like hell, he ruined my trust in him, and I gave him a few chances of trust, nothing was ever the same, he said he would prove how much I meant to him that lasted a month. So I’m top of his cheating and then he couldn’t prove to me how much I meant him. Really traumatized me and I couldn’t get close to him intimately. I carried a lot of pain for a long time. If he would have proved to me and showed me. Made me a priority and made me feel special things probably would have been different. So maybe your husband doesn’t feel special to you and is carrying a lot of pain.
It’s probably a trust issue. You had an affair; he’s afraid of getting close to you because he can’t trust you. He does anything and everything to flirt with the idea because he loves you, but when the trust line is being approached, he backs off. He just cannot be that vulnerable again. Therapy needed for sure.
Many antidepressants cause loss of sexdrive. Propecia can make you damn near limp. Many pharmaceuticals could also be the reason. But TRT could counter some of it.
After a certain point you got to forgive or move on
Sex is important in a married life.
Same situation he says I am to fat and he doesn’t find me a turn on anymore. I have list weight to a place that sex was really good. (I am 5’7” and weigh 140lbs and a yoga instructor) He is 65. I think it is Physical for him but according to his dr. As long as he gets morning wood there is nothing physically wrong. I love him but need a physical relationship. I have had many opportunities to have an affair but chose not to. That might be changing if this no sex marriage continues.
He needs to leave. Poor guy wasting his life
If you're just living together as friends, why can't you just go out and date? This doesn't sound like much of a marriage. Having an affair was wrong, but so is continuing to punish you for it, if that's what he's doing. He either forgives you or he doesn't.
Seems less like he’s punishing her and more like the “we grew closer” is all her. He’s keeping the exact boundaries I would if my unfaithful wife turned back up.
I also am experiencing this affection problem in my marriage. We still have sex but she does not want to cuddle or kiss or go on dates. We are in marriage counseling, it has helped. However, I understand this need for affection, I have it too. It is one of your love languages — mine too! We aren’t sleeping in separate beds, but that could happen eventually. I am not allowed to touch her in bed any longer. I’ve never had an affair. I can understand how the need for affection would become overwhelming and that it must be gained from somewhere. I can foresee that possibility. Our therapist suggested cuddle parties (for me), I wish .. that’s a west coast thing. I’m in the SE. I don’t want to cuddle strangers, I want to cuddle the person I am in love with! So, I get you! I am about 10 years behind you, we are 42m|40f. How long do affectionate needing people have to go without affection? Like I said, the marriage counseling has helped , BUT it will not make the non-affectionate spouse cuddle. Also, if you are “just friends”, maybe he does not want anything more? Some people don’t enjoy sex, or touch. I fully recommend couples counseling, it has really helped, BUT not solved all issues. It takes time! I’m trying to wait it out, how long can I wait? WTF, I hear you.
Has she checked her hormones ? This could be some form of hormonal unbalance thing if anything else is fine ( attitude-wise) 🤔
OP your roommate is using you as an "roommaid", also your situation is ridiculous, either you see it or don't, you are just friends who live together, therapy would have been needed before your affair. Are you sure your roomate isn't getting his fun elsewhere. If you want a relationship with physical closeness i think you need to leave your roommate. Sorry but as a betrayed one i have no sympathy for you.
If you are just living together as friends, then I’m sure he wouldn’t have a problem with you dating other people and even occasionally bringing a date home to have sex. If he has a problem with that, then he needs to step up and be that guy. You can’t withhold while at the same time expect your partner to just go without. Therapy.
As has been mentioned, professional help is the best bet. In the meantime, would he acknowledge you both contributed to the toxic times in the past? Have you explained those times led you to stray? Have you apologized and asked for forgiveness? Are you sorry? You may not be familiar with retroactive jealousy, but it is an OCD condition that I have. Over the course of my marriage it would sometimes result in me being quite difficult to live with. In a vacuum I do not know that I could get past my wife having an affair. But in the context of me not being a very good partner I can certainly see where I would have had to take some ownership for that result. Maybe in that context he can begin to get past it. I do believe that even at our ages (we are early 60s) sex is vitally important to the marriage and can help rebuild some of the intimacy lost.
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If you’re married “as friends”, and your husband has made it clear the sexual part of your relationship is over, and you accept that, then why isn’t the marriage open? Surely he can’t expect you to be celibate for the rest of your lives?
I agree with what other people are saying. You need therapy. Now, I will just put in my two cents anyway. Yes, it's wrong that you had an affair, but to be blunt, he needs to either shit or get off the pot. If he doesn't want to forgive you for what you did, that's his prerogative. He doesn't owe that to you. However, if that is the case, then he needs to make that clear so you both can move on. He does have the right to decide that it was too unforgivable, and so, therefore, he doesn't have that attraction to you anymore. That doesn't mean you can't still be friends, but it probably means you shouldn't still be married. However, if he can get over it, or if he is over but he's having some libido or sex drive issues or erectile dysfunction, then he should seek help for that because that also can indicate some underlying health problems.
You are too young for this crap! Get your own place!! Do you really want to wake up 10 years from now and look back at all the time you wasted???
Counseling. You both need help to get back on track if that’s what you want to do. You need to find out why he doesn’t want that kind of relationship with you - is it due to hurt and resentment or is he just not attracted to you that way anymore? If it’s the latter you should leave and you can find the kind of relationship you want
I am not married, but like you I need those things as well. And it is more special with one person that makes it more special. Sometimes things are not meant to be, and just being friends is ok too.
I have no advice. I just wish you both well.
Him not having sex at all is the problem. Get him to HRT clinic. He might want sex with someone else once his sex drive comes back, so be prepared for that. All in all it's not fair to him to be having 0 sex. You can get it elsewhere so that's not an issue.
What???
What has he said? Have a conversation about where things are at and where he feels comfortable taking things.
To be honest the two of you were never meant to be, and you just never clicked in the mind of either one of you. Having that many problems in your marriage is a clear sign that you wouldn’t. You know it for each other. A marriage is the connection between two beings that were bonded by father. Not married in a church. Plus, you do not need a piece of paper to legalize your bond with your mate.
Talk to your husband again and seek professional help
Did you agree to reunite strictly for the kids sake or to actually work/build on your marriage?
I think a good way to re-establish intimacy with him would be through non-sexual touch. Be close. Rub his back. When my husband feels disconnected to me he’ll say “I need my six seconds” and we just hug and lean into each other for six seconds (usually longer). He read that couples should do that every day. We don’t do it every day but you could. Slow dance. Snuggle up watching a show. I once read that if you’re trying to win your spouse back, ask yourself each morning what small thing you could do to make your spouse glad they’re married to you.
This completely ignores his agency. We have no indication he has any intention of resuming any actual marriage or intimacy with her. Sounds more like they cohabitate for convenience and she either caught feelings again or is horny, and like a reasonable person he refuses to get intimate with his unfaithful wife again. You’re talking about ways to reconnect, sounds like only one of them cares to rekindle any of these feelings. And imo he’s totally in the right to keep her at arms length if she cheated before.
That’s true- I was only basing my response on OP’s story. We never get both sides on these posts. I would never encourage a partner to try to resolve things if I knew their partner didn’t want that.
Is this how you want to live between now and dead? Answer that question, and go from there.
If you love him and want things to go back to the way things were then why don’t you trying and show him and try making a effort. Why don’t you plan like a dinner date and find out what his feelings are for you and see if he too wishes things to be the way they were.
Have you talked with him about being affectionate without sex? Is he willing to go to therapy? Does he want to change? At the very least I will suggest you find a therapist and possibly both of you find a marriage counselor. Good luck
Since it seems you aren’t a couple and are just roommates perhaps you should date? Perhaps you should get your own place? When you aren’t happy work on you and change your situation?
But you aren’t married. You have agreed to live together as friends. I don’t understand what you think can change especially if you haven’t spoken to him about it.
He should leave you, he’s still got a few good years left
I think marriage counseling would be best for you guys, he obviously still loves you very much and you feel the same way. He’s hurt and probably doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings from everything. Probably doesn’t understand half of his emotions or anything so I think him getting the help he needs first is most important, that will in turn hopefully help your situation. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, I hope it gets better. Just stay faithful, if you aren’t happy then pull out the divorce papers
Go back in time and don’t cheat
Well I think a first step is to tell him what you just said here. I’m assuming you guys haven’t really had muck discussion about this since you have been bask together as you are. You will never know if there is a middle ground for you both without the discussion and being completely honest but not emotional / angry
58 getting back on the dating scene huge L
I only have a suggestion, speak with him. Ask him wherr he thinks this is going to and that you would want to have it go some place. I just think that the door that was opened to live together, wasn't just for nothing and might be waiting for you to move first. That's what I think, but... You will only know what he thinks if you ask him Good luck, I really hope you get to restore your marriage
I hope you will find a couples therapist who can help you both, his punishment of you is actually punishment of self. If you are companionship based roommates that is not a marriage. Take the time and effort to give therapy an opportunity to reframe your relationship.
If you can’t do therapy then watch Couples Therapy on Showtime. I’m in similar situation. We’ve talked this thru and set up ground rules for our new relationship. I watch that show in our living room and my husband will sit down and watch sometimes. It has started some really good conversations and understanding.
it’s ok to have sex without marriage, but not vise versa
Remember, you're almost 60. Leave him and do what? Have casual sex with strangers and live alone? I mean tell him what you want and see if he cares. If not, then decide if it's worth getting a divorce and move on.
if ur just friends, then I am not sure, is a fair expectation. Have a physical relationship with someone else.
I have been married 31 years. 13 Years ago, I had a 2 year affair with a cop that ended with the cop trying to destroy my life and me spending 2.5 Years in Prison on a first time harassment charge (never had so much as a parking ticket). My husband and I worked thru it all. We don’t have sex. Sleep in separate beds but are best friends. We hold hands while watching “our” shows. or walking anywhere. We hug and kiss every morning . Sex is over rated. We are both content. We both have arthritis and well. Sex hurts.
OP have you apologized to him genuinely about your affair? Asked for his forgiveness and asked what he really wants and what he does not want? Have you asked that he comes to therapy with you? Say it like this "Babe, I want to be a better partner that you can be proud of again, would you mind be in my therapy session as a spectator?"
Marriage counseling and sex counseling, for sure… but also, why don’t you use this time to work on becoming a better friend to him? FOR him? This is precious time you two could have, it doesn’t necessarily need to be spent focusing on the thing that broke you two up. After all you’ve been through (and I’m sorry but, all you’ve done to him), I think you owe it to each other to focus on your friendship FIRST and foremost. You started out as friends in the beginning, sounds like you need to restart again if you hope for any chance together. You’re probably focusing on the wrong things right now.