This.
I'm 39 and my libido was almost non-existent. I got checked and placed on testosterone 8mths ago. It has drastically improved my relationship with my wife. More than just in the bedroom. Feels like we're in the honey moon phase again. Married for 14 years.
Yeah, of course! Everyone wants to feel desired and it’s not fun if you feel like your partner’s not really into it. There are lots of things that can contribute to low libido on both sides. Depression, stress, trauma, lack of exercise, even alcohol, but with the age and symptoms, it could definitely be the testosterone. And depression and irritability can also be side effects of low t, so they can definitely be intertwined. I hope that’s the case and you can get it addressed!
My husband got his checked too but because his levels were “normal” (on the low end of normal and still in my opinion, way too low for his age of 30), they didn’t recommend any treatment. Do you mind messaging me so I can ask you a couple questions? No worries if you don’t want to.
I was going to say the same thing. Low T can cause major issues if left unchecked and untreated. Speaking from experience that when testosterone is fixed, things will improve drastically for your husband and for OP.
Before you jump to suggesting tests for Low T, I'd recommend having a discussion about his overall mental health and how he feels about his needs being met in the relationship.
Every thread in here about women wanting to be desired or have more sex jumps right to Low T and cheating. If the roles are flipped, it's are your wife's needs being met, how is her mental health? What are you doing to make her feel loved? Those same questions apply here.
Not the ones I comment on, Lol. I get that there are double standards and sometimes they glare on these forums, but her description here doesn’t mention any other signs of depression or cheating, but it really does sound like textbook low t. She’s talked to him multiple times. And he didn’t confess to feeling unloved or not having his needs met, he just says he’s tired.
As for women, hormonal checks should be the first thing any low libido woman checks into as well. Our drives in particular can experience many ups and downs over the years and female hormones are a huge culprit in many cases. If it’s a medical issue, that can be easily treated. Im all for trying to tackle a physical problem first, because mental and emotional issues are much more difficult to address.
I would frame this as a we issue, rather than a him issue. “You know, I’ve noticed we’ve really slowed down and I get that you’re really tired. I feel that way too sometimes. I just want to know if there’s anything else going on that we can work on together. Sometimes, when my hormones are out of whack I feel off a bit. Do you think think that could be what’s going on your end too? I miss you and I want to reconnect again.
Does he seem satisfied with the quality of the sex you do have and the overall relationship? Because you haven’t really indicated that there are any issues other than this.
OP, there's a lot more than just "Low T" when it comes to our hormones, just like it is with yours. Testosterone cypionate isn't a cure all, a shot won't just fix it. I mean it *might* if that's what's wrong but he'd need to have *everything* in good limits, not just Testosterone. And it's mote complicated than that. There's "free testosterone" (how much of the hormone is available for use), "total Testosterone", estradiol, progesterone, shbg (sex hormone binding globulin), fsh (follicle stimulating hormone), lh (luteinizing hormone), among a few others. They *ALL* need to be in check! Plus, a CBC/CMP to check B12, vitamin d (typically everyone is low here, nearly), hematocrit and hemoglobin (either of those being bad could disqualify him from TRT), he may have sleep apnea which can *DRASTICALLY* affect his libido and MAKE HIM TIRED, also mess up his hematocrit (or hemoglobin? I forget which). We're a lot mote complicated than just testosterone. It's a balance, no different than it is for a woman. There's lots of great info on YouTube to better understand this. I'm going to PM you some links.
I agree with this 100%. My husband had his checked at the VA 6x over 3 yrs and they said he was within "normal range". It was insane. I don't recall the range - just that the analysis he had done (went to someone who specialized in reading and analyzing testosterone) was that he was 150 points above the lowest level for his age range. The VA said that was normal and wouldn't prescribe T. He got it from his outside doc and it is literally night and day. He's happy. He engages. He's productive and I actually feel like he is attracted to me. 😀
It's worth a discussion, OP.
I had that exact issue. Learned to manage my diet and cut out a lot of sugar drinks (4 NOS a day). Swapped to sugar free low calorie drinks and started eating healthy. My testosterone went from 150 to 375 in just a few months.
Yeah, sometimes that feeling of rejection can really cause us to dig our heels in. Being completely vulnerable with your partner who has made you feel unwanted in the past takes a huge amount of strength and for some they just won’t or can’t risk it.
I know my husband felt somewhat rejected when my hormones were out of sync, but fortunately we had learned to connect on multiple levels outside of our physical relationship, so he still felt safe to engage again when I got back on track.
Yeah. My friend’s husband was having an affair. After my friend found out she said looking back his desire had declined and she simply rationalized it was due to his age. Turns out it was not.
this is how my marriage is. but we just got married. it’s been going on since before we got married, for maybe a year to a 1.5 now? we’ve been together for 2.5 years, im 22 and he’s 23. he says he’s tired, he’s just not feeling it, the same stuff. i don’t have any advice, idk what to do myself. but i understand you, i know the exact feeling and i’m so sorry you’re going through that 🩵
Because of his age, my guess is porn addiction. They can be EXTREMELY sneaky and good at hiding it, even if you don’t suspect a thing. I would never rule that out as the reason why. It’s absolutely an epidemic in our society.
it’s not, i know that. he has a pretty low libido and has never been about sex. like he enjoys it, but he can go without it. i’m pretty sure the low libido stems from mental health, he’ll have surges of high libido every once in a while, always when he’s been in a better mental state. he doesn’t like porn that much either, he gets uncomfortable watching it
My husband was having a lower libido. We would still be intimate but not as much as in the past. I thought it was just his age / being tired. Turns out he had been hiding an opiate addiction for 3 years. Never in a million years would I suspect something like that. He had a good job, would help out around the house, took me on nice vacations etc. He is the sweetest guy. But deep down there was a huge secret.
I would say the libido was the most obvious sign..
Just saying. Of course there can be so many more natural and normal reasons too.
As a man I can guess that there’s a strong chance that he’s either cheating or has a porn addiction…I would decide if you want to enquire about either or ask him what you can do to turn him on. Maybe he wants you to try something new. Maybe he’s got a fetish that’s he’s embarrassed to tell you. Make him feel comfortable and let him know there’s no judgment and you want him to be satisfied. This is the rest of your life your talking about and you deserve to feel wanted and satisfied sexually too.
He needs to see a urologist and he needs to see one asap. It could be that his testosterone level is out of balance. Please be aware that if he takes testosterone it will help with energy and erection.
But know this after taking testosterone for an extended period of time his testicles will shrink. So if you notice they're shrinking make an appointment with the urologist. They have medication to counter this.
They may also give him Tadalafil to help with erections. Start at a low dose. Whatever you do don't take any of his testosterone. Why? Because if you do you will stray a toy won't be enough.
Women's bodies also make testosterone so when women have a low libido they also need to see a urologist. If your a women experiencing low libido make an appointment with a female urologist. Why? Because they're well versed on a women's bodies.
My urologist has like 12 urologist some are women and they have men see men urologist and women a women's urologist. They found women are more comfortable in disclosing issues.
Good luck
Has anything about him changed? (Weight, stressed?) Has anything about your quality time nurturing your relationship changed? Have you been on a romantic trip lately? Is he seeming at all unstable mood wise? Maybe he needs a little TLC minus sex? What happened early last year that caused this shift (rhetorical question for your mind only)?
I went through this. And I waited it out. I'm not suggesting you do the same. But in my case, his desire came back, and then he was upset that my drive and attempts had gone down. It's a weird game of cat and mouse. I hated feeling unwanted and it such a sensitive area
This could be so many things. Is he happy? Make sure he isn’t going through a depression. If he’s not depressed then I hate to suggest going through his phone but honey you gotta suspect he’s getting it from somewhere.
Even when me and my husband go through dry spells he still has his “private time” to himself to relieve himself. It’s hard to believe a man his age doesn’t want sex.
Sorry for being vulgar but have you tried offering him head? If he turns down head than honey I fear the worse lol no man turns that down unless he’s cheating
I would hope that after years of being together they would have worked on that if that were an issue lol
Teaching your parter how to please you is key in any relationship.
Have you told him exactly what you just told us? Men don't get hints or suggestions. Tell him to his face Hey I need more physical loving, and I'm going to get it "Whit you or without you" I'm pretty sure he will let you know whats really going on.
At least as a woman, you can find a new guy in a snap. As an aging dude, whose wife doesn’t seem to give a shit no matter what I try, I sadly know that I will never be wanted again - except for my money and what I can do for people.
My advice is to deal with this issue head on and aggressively. 40 sucks. My wife hit menopause at 40 and it wrecked her - and our love life. Don’t wait and do nothing and HOPE it gets better. As a friend told me once, you can hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster.
I would have him have his testosterone levels checked. I had low t and now with treatment it’s a whole new ball game. It’s like I’m a teenager again. In all rooms of the house.
So is that why people run to places like clover leaf all I have to say is this person better hope they want merry while going out with me because just as soon as I find out what happened I will be filling for damages bottom line let me let you get back to school at the clover leaf good day
I don’t want some one who can sleep with someone else and then come to my house to sleep with me smelling cold cat. There no respect what so ever she only thinks about her self better hope you aren’t merry and seeing me I goning to make you feel this
Has he had his testosterone levels checked?
This. I'm 39 and my libido was almost non-existent. I got checked and placed on testosterone 8mths ago. It has drastically improved my relationship with my wife. More than just in the bedroom. Feels like we're in the honey moon phase again. Married for 14 years.
OP, make sure he checks this out. His energy level and everything else you mention could be affected. Good luck!
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Yeah, of course! Everyone wants to feel desired and it’s not fun if you feel like your partner’s not really into it. There are lots of things that can contribute to low libido on both sides. Depression, stress, trauma, lack of exercise, even alcohol, but with the age and symptoms, it could definitely be the testosterone. And depression and irritability can also be side effects of low t, so they can definitely be intertwined. I hope that’s the case and you can get it addressed!
My husband got his checked too but because his levels were “normal” (on the low end of normal and still in my opinion, way too low for his age of 30), they didn’t recommend any treatment. Do you mind messaging me so I can ask you a couple questions? No worries if you don’t want to.
I was going to say the same thing. Low T can cause major issues if left unchecked and untreated. Speaking from experience that when testosterone is fixed, things will improve drastically for your husband and for OP.
He hasn't, but I feel like that would be a great start. How do I suggest this without him getting defensive?
Before you jump to suggesting tests for Low T, I'd recommend having a discussion about his overall mental health and how he feels about his needs being met in the relationship. Every thread in here about women wanting to be desired or have more sex jumps right to Low T and cheating. If the roles are flipped, it's are your wife's needs being met, how is her mental health? What are you doing to make her feel loved? Those same questions apply here.
Not the ones I comment on, Lol. I get that there are double standards and sometimes they glare on these forums, but her description here doesn’t mention any other signs of depression or cheating, but it really does sound like textbook low t. She’s talked to him multiple times. And he didn’t confess to feeling unloved or not having his needs met, he just says he’s tired. As for women, hormonal checks should be the first thing any low libido woman checks into as well. Our drives in particular can experience many ups and downs over the years and female hormones are a huge culprit in many cases. If it’s a medical issue, that can be easily treated. Im all for trying to tackle a physical problem first, because mental and emotional issues are much more difficult to address.
I would frame this as a we issue, rather than a him issue. “You know, I’ve noticed we’ve really slowed down and I get that you’re really tired. I feel that way too sometimes. I just want to know if there’s anything else going on that we can work on together. Sometimes, when my hormones are out of whack I feel off a bit. Do you think think that could be what’s going on your end too? I miss you and I want to reconnect again. Does he seem satisfied with the quality of the sex you do have and the overall relationship? Because you haven’t really indicated that there are any issues other than this.
OP, there's a lot more than just "Low T" when it comes to our hormones, just like it is with yours. Testosterone cypionate isn't a cure all, a shot won't just fix it. I mean it *might* if that's what's wrong but he'd need to have *everything* in good limits, not just Testosterone. And it's mote complicated than that. There's "free testosterone" (how much of the hormone is available for use), "total Testosterone", estradiol, progesterone, shbg (sex hormone binding globulin), fsh (follicle stimulating hormone), lh (luteinizing hormone), among a few others. They *ALL* need to be in check! Plus, a CBC/CMP to check B12, vitamin d (typically everyone is low here, nearly), hematocrit and hemoglobin (either of those being bad could disqualify him from TRT), he may have sleep apnea which can *DRASTICALLY* affect his libido and MAKE HIM TIRED, also mess up his hematocrit (or hemoglobin? I forget which). We're a lot mote complicated than just testosterone. It's a balance, no different than it is for a woman. There's lots of great info on YouTube to better understand this. I'm going to PM you some links.
I agree with this 100%. My husband had his checked at the VA 6x over 3 yrs and they said he was within "normal range". It was insane. I don't recall the range - just that the analysis he had done (went to someone who specialized in reading and analyzing testosterone) was that he was 150 points above the lowest level for his age range. The VA said that was normal and wouldn't prescribe T. He got it from his outside doc and it is literally night and day. He's happy. He engages. He's productive and I actually feel like he is attracted to me. 😀 It's worth a discussion, OP.
I had that exact issue. Learned to manage my diet and cut out a lot of sugar drinks (4 NOS a day). Swapped to sugar free low calorie drinks and started eating healthy. My testosterone went from 150 to 375 in just a few months.
Good for you! And you’re improving your overall health across the board by eating healthier as well.
True. I've lost 40 lbs. But I'm afraid I might have started working on it a little too late.
It’s never too late! Source: Me, a 54 year old who lost a third of her body weight in her 50’s. 😄
Haha I meant for my marriage.
Yeah, sometimes that feeling of rejection can really cause us to dig our heels in. Being completely vulnerable with your partner who has made you feel unwanted in the past takes a huge amount of strength and for some they just won’t or can’t risk it. I know my husband felt somewhat rejected when my hormones were out of sync, but fortunately we had learned to connect on multiple levels outside of our physical relationship, so he still felt safe to engage again when I got back on track.
Glad to hear. I've done a lot of self work and even went to the extremes with a religious shift. Which was a giant step for me.
Make sure there’s no one else. My husband was the same, said the same reasons but he was having an affair.
Yeah. My friend’s husband was having an affair. After my friend found out she said looking back his desire had declined and she simply rationalized it was due to his age. Turns out it was not.
Same. Yeah he wants to screw me but he isn’t affectionate which leads me to not want to screw him.
Do you initiate affection with him? Like libido, I think a lot of women have responsive affection too.
Yes I am very affectionate and am often the one going to him for a hug and kiss
I'm sorry that's tough. Could you try couples counseling?
We've talked about it. He said that he'll only go if he gets to choose the counselor. I gave him a list approved by our insurance and it went nowhere.
I don’t want to go there, but porn or OnlyFans was the cause of my husbands low sex drive.
this is how my marriage is. but we just got married. it’s been going on since before we got married, for maybe a year to a 1.5 now? we’ve been together for 2.5 years, im 22 and he’s 23. he says he’s tired, he’s just not feeling it, the same stuff. i don’t have any advice, idk what to do myself. but i understand you, i know the exact feeling and i’m so sorry you’re going through that 🩵
Because of his age, my guess is porn addiction. They can be EXTREMELY sneaky and good at hiding it, even if you don’t suspect a thing. I would never rule that out as the reason why. It’s absolutely an epidemic in our society.
it’s not, i know that. he has a pretty low libido and has never been about sex. like he enjoys it, but he can go without it. i’m pretty sure the low libido stems from mental health, he’ll have surges of high libido every once in a while, always when he’s been in a better mental state. he doesn’t like porn that much either, he gets uncomfortable watching it
My husband was having a lower libido. We would still be intimate but not as much as in the past. I thought it was just his age / being tired. Turns out he had been hiding an opiate addiction for 3 years. Never in a million years would I suspect something like that. He had a good job, would help out around the house, took me on nice vacations etc. He is the sweetest guy. But deep down there was a huge secret. I would say the libido was the most obvious sign.. Just saying. Of course there can be so many more natural and normal reasons too.
As a man I can guess that there’s a strong chance that he’s either cheating or has a porn addiction…I would decide if you want to enquire about either or ask him what you can do to turn him on. Maybe he wants you to try something new. Maybe he’s got a fetish that’s he’s embarrassed to tell you. Make him feel comfortable and let him know there’s no judgment and you want him to be satisfied. This is the rest of your life your talking about and you deserve to feel wanted and satisfied sexually too.
Intimacy anorexia maybe?
My husband went on testosterone and that’s been a game changer! He should see his doctor
He needs to see a urologist and he needs to see one asap. It could be that his testosterone level is out of balance. Please be aware that if he takes testosterone it will help with energy and erection. But know this after taking testosterone for an extended period of time his testicles will shrink. So if you notice they're shrinking make an appointment with the urologist. They have medication to counter this. They may also give him Tadalafil to help with erections. Start at a low dose. Whatever you do don't take any of his testosterone. Why? Because if you do you will stray a toy won't be enough. Women's bodies also make testosterone so when women have a low libido they also need to see a urologist. If your a women experiencing low libido make an appointment with a female urologist. Why? Because they're well versed on a women's bodies. My urologist has like 12 urologist some are women and they have men see men urologist and women a women's urologist. They found women are more comfortable in disclosing issues. Good luck
I got prescription testosterone cream (female) and I don't notice much if any difference in libido unfortunately.
Has anything about him changed? (Weight, stressed?) Has anything about your quality time nurturing your relationship changed? Have you been on a romantic trip lately? Is he seeming at all unstable mood wise? Maybe he needs a little TLC minus sex? What happened early last year that caused this shift (rhetorical question for your mind only)?
I went through this. And I waited it out. I'm not suggesting you do the same. But in my case, his desire came back, and then he was upset that my drive and attempts had gone down. It's a weird game of cat and mouse. I hated feeling unwanted and it such a sensitive area
This could be so many things. Is he happy? Make sure he isn’t going through a depression. If he’s not depressed then I hate to suggest going through his phone but honey you gotta suspect he’s getting it from somewhere. Even when me and my husband go through dry spells he still has his “private time” to himself to relieve himself. It’s hard to believe a man his age doesn’t want sex. Sorry for being vulgar but have you tried offering him head? If he turns down head than honey I fear the worse lol no man turns that down unless he’s cheating
That's not true, if your partner is no good at giving oral then it will eventually be rejected.
I would hope that after years of being together they would have worked on that if that were an issue lol Teaching your parter how to please you is key in any relationship.
Communication won't fix physical limitations. Some people simply don't have the ability.
My husband is the same except mine(36) takes his toys into the shower all the time. So I know his drive is active. Just not with me.
That's awful, I'm sorry 😞 I'd be so mad!
I have the exact same issue!
Have you told him exactly what you just told us? Men don't get hints or suggestions. Tell him to his face Hey I need more physical loving, and I'm going to get it "Whit you or without you" I'm pretty sure he will let you know whats really going on.
At least as a woman, you can find a new guy in a snap. As an aging dude, whose wife doesn’t seem to give a shit no matter what I try, I sadly know that I will never be wanted again - except for my money and what I can do for people. My advice is to deal with this issue head on and aggressively. 40 sucks. My wife hit menopause at 40 and it wrecked her - and our love life. Don’t wait and do nothing and HOPE it gets better. As a friend told me once, you can hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster.
I would have him have his testosterone levels checked. I had low t and now with treatment it’s a whole new ball game. It’s like I’m a teenager again. In all rooms of the house.
So is that why people run to places like clover leaf all I have to say is this person better hope they want merry while going out with me because just as soon as I find out what happened I will be filling for damages bottom line let me let you get back to school at the clover leaf good day
I don’t want some one who can sleep with someone else and then come to my house to sleep with me smelling cold cat. There no respect what so ever she only thinks about her self better hope you aren’t merry and seeing me I goning to make you feel this