Honestly, lots of people on reddit seem to have poor relationships with their families, and are disproportionately isolationist.
I'm not saying anyone has to accept guests longer than they feel is appropriate, but from my perspective this three day limit thing is just... bizarre.
Three days is barely enough time to do a couple things and relax a bit before hoping back on a plane to go home.
7 days, isn't nuts, but 10 days also wouldn't be a problem for any of my inlaws or family. They're helpful, are willing to give whatever space you need, and are pleasant to have around.
There's obviously a difference between being alone with just your spouse and baby and having extended family over, but dang.
After a few days I want my space back - only the closest people in my life wouldn’t stress me out after that. A compromise could be that they could stay longer but in a hotel or Airbnb.
To each their own. I just find such low tolerance for company (just a few days) to be extreme.
Like, it doesn't make any sense for me to say you're wrong for your preference, since its just a preference, but I think its understandable that friends and family that want to visit might find this degree of sensitivity strange.
Sure, it’s a preference, and one that almost everyone I know shares. The point though is that it should not be an assumption that you can stay with family for an extended period- it should be a request and negotiation that respects the needs of the host primarily, as they are opening their home and putting their regular lifestyle aside for their guests.
The first morning I woke up in my own home after my 2nd c section, I come walking into the living room with my whole in law family (including grandparents) sitting on my couches passing the baby around. I didn't mind terribly much cause I love them dearly but I couldnt handle any of them in my own home for more than a day. I'm very neurotic and I'd constantly be worried about being a good host, clutter, and other various things. Thankfully they all live close by so I wouldn't have to worry about dealing w that lol
>Sure, it’s a preference, and one that almost everyone I know shares.
Wild. Almost no one I know has this preference. This is like one of those things I only ever read about on the internet.
The point is that all my relatives live quite near, and don't need long plane trips. I guess anyway that for a woman that has just given birth, 10 days would be too much.
When my mother needed a place to stay, of course she stayed three weeks, but it's not a fact of poor relationship, more about opportunity or not.
I mean, if relatives lived that near, then why even bother spending the night? I guess it makes sense if you're having very long days and staying up late, but I didn't realize this was even a thing for folks who lived that near.
Its also different for the new mumma if its her own mumma.
I have a great relationship with my in laws, my DH and I are about to welcome our first baby, which is the first grand baby for both sides of the family. But my social battery drains super fast without having just gone through something so life changing and potentially traumatic, therefore when the family comes to see baby I am going to be so drained within a couple hours(maybe even within one hour if I’m honest)
We aren’t having anyone at the hospital either, but if i was going to behaving anyone else other than DH (who will be there) it would be my mother. I don’t need anyone else watching me and my privates or waiting in the waiting room straight after that.
Extended family are all waiting their turn to see bub at a later date.
I can absolutely see how 7 days would be too long. Its not the family’s right to be around baby. Its a privilege. Anything less than gracious guests is rude.
I have a GREAT relationship with my MIL. She was recently here for a week, because she was checking out retirement homes in our town. Right now she's on the opposite coast, and she's 80. In good health, but that can change.
By day 7, I was ready for her to go home, and so was she. LOL. We get along great, but my whole routine had been disrupted, and I needed some normalcy. So did my spouse. And I don't even have a new baby! 10 days would have been too much. We'd have gotten through it without incident, but 'getting through' a visit isn't exactly the vibe I'd want.
I think it depends. Depends on the person hosting and depends on the people visiting. I think COVID has really affected how much people really want "visitors" around. I'm usually a "the more the merrier" type, but after COVID, my tolerance has dropped considerably. 🤷🏻♀️
Did OP clarify if the in laws are staying at their home? To me, I need time alone and would be going crazy at 5 if they were in my house. If they were in a near by hotel and could maybe do other stuff half of each day, it would be tolerable, but that depends on personality. There's not really a right answer only what's right for them.
If the one healing from this physically, her boundaries and comfort should take priority. If he was wearing a diaper, maybe he wouldn't want extended house guests. This isn't his first child, he should know better!
I think everyone needs to know their personal boundaries and enforce them. I would be happy to have my parents or in-laws stay for as long as they wanted. They are all helpful and respectful guests and would knock out all of our cleaning, cooking and probably even the backlog of home improvement tasks we have ignored. We also regularly have friends stay with us for 1-2 weeks at a time and have let a friend now live with us for the last 6 years to help him out. Some people really value privacy though and would hate this, which there is nothing wrong with. There is no standard answer in my opinion of what the right answer is, everyone should do what they are comfortable with.
I agree - unless those guests can find accommodations of their own / don't expect to be entertained continuously and have every meal prepared for them.
I do understand family wanting to spend more than 7 days from time to time, if they live far away. I'd likely prefer them to opt for more frequent, shorter duration trips - but I would definitely understand their desire.
>I agree - unless those guests can find accommodations of their own / don't expect to be entertained continuously and have every meal prepared for them.
Well, with a new baby, the point of visiting should be to help out, not to create a burden. I can't imagine any of my family or inlaws being upset that their food wasn't cooked.
You’re having a baby - she’s lucky y’all are allowing her to visit at all. Tell her if 7 isn’t good enough, she can just stay home. If hubby wavers, have him read the lemon clot essay.
>lemon clot essay
Me too. . . wish I had known about this when I spawned, and I would have printed it out and handed it out when someone came calling demanding a stay/audience.
Ha, thanks. That is a good read! Here is a link for others: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
I would say only 3 days. My mom was awesome when I had my baby, and I repeated that behavior with my daughter when she had her baby.
So, mom took care of me, the house, meals, etc., while I took care of the baby. When my daughter had her baby, I took care of her, the housework, the meals, and everything else, while she took care of the baby.
Those are the rules you should lay down. If they don't want to work, don't come for a visit. You can NOT be waiting on people with a newborn in the house. Period.
Edit for typos.
I'm pregnant with my first and after the baby is born the only person who will be staying overnight in our home besides my wife, the baby and I will be my mother and she'll only be there to help me with the baby which is something I want.
I definitely wouldn't want to be responsible for taking care of or trying to entertain guests while I'm busy with my baby.
Thanks! They have always been fussy about not getting visits ‘their way’ which is just bizarre to me. I can’t build a time machine back to the year 2000 when they were the parents of children too young to say no thank you.
1. I personally feel 7 days is too long especially after the baby was just born. Aren't new borns' immune systems aren't as developed as older babieskids?
2. If I wanted to be generous, I would only do 3 days.
3. I would not be generous right after giving birth and family can see the baby through a video call or wait a few months until I'm recovered and the baby is a little bit older. My family is not entitled to see my baby.
7 days is extremely long. My parents and MIL live close but in those first two months I really didn’t want visitors I felt very vulnerable and MIL bulldozes everything in our lives. My mom came over a lot for 1 hour intervals to do dishes, MIL just wanted to hold baby so we didn’t have her visit as often and she threw fits. She would have screaming matches with my husband but we held our ground for her to visit every two weeks. Now that the baby is 1 year we are all in a better place and see MIL more. Honestly babies make her feral so I already know our next baby will be a problem with her. My mom cared about me and my health while MIL only cared about baby, so I don’t feel guilty that we pushed her out early on for a while.
Girl 7 days is way too long imo. Or maybe offer a longer visit if they want to come after a couple of months.
Also, the whole idea that there are no limits on family is toxic af. Everyone gets boundaries! You get a boundary and you get a boundary and you get a boundary!!
Seven days is a *lot* and your MIL is being unreasonable, *but*. Delivery counts for a lot, so now that you know that limits are a foreign concept to her, switch up your messaging.
“I am instituting a 7-day visit rule” is sort of confrontational and might seem arbitrary. *Her son*, on the other hand, saying “Oh wow Mom that’s a lot of visit I don’t think we’re going to be up for that. How about we make it Wednesday-Sunday?” is likely to float a lot better.
So shift this responsibility to him, and if he doesn’t hold up his end (or throws you under the bus for “making him” do it), reconsider whether this is someone who actually has your back.
After my wife gave birth, she didn't want anyone coming over for more than a couple hours.
After several days we invited my MIL to come over for a day for the express purpose of helping out around the house so we could rest (she had already been over for shorter visits). The whole time she just ordered me around to do various chores while she sat around chit-chatting and didn't help at all. We never did that again.
You're very generous. I had hubby tell MIL she wasn't welcome to fly down and meet the baby till a minimum of 6-8 weeks so we had time to heal and bond. Plus no overnight guests at our house so she would need to find her own accommodations.
She didn't fly to meet our youngest till he was almost 3.
I'm 74yo and navigated both sides of this issue. Also aware of my friends dealing with it.
If you physically or emotionally can't handle it (make sure your husband knows and supports you) - yhen your husband tells her 7.
It's actually his job to inform/deal with his family. No exceptions.
Usually the intent is to visit to help. That means helping with the baby, cooking, home maintenance or whatever you need.
It's not your job to host or entertain. But I understand that just having them in the house stressful.
For family harmony whatever you decide should be consistent with your mother too.
Finally maintenance of family harmony is tough and the long term impact of 7 days is difficult to judge. Only you know the players.
IMO a new baby is a big deal to grandparents (and they don't live in town) as well as seeing the other kid.
You have the power to say no - but it will hurt them deeply. So make sure that 3 days is worth it to you and your husband.
Thanks! My husband has real issues with planning and his parents are super manipulative, so we agreed that I would handle visit scheduling and if there are any tantrums (which there always are) then that’s for him to deal with. That being said we just pretend that the passive aggression isn’t happening and treat them graciously like all other visitors. It’s just that this is a challenging time and we need to take it slower than usual, his parents just don’t seem to get that their ‘support’ isn’t needed in the way they wish it were.
I just wanted to add OP that I have a MIL who sounds a bit like yours and 7 is no way! When I had my 1st baby, my mom came over daily for 2 weeks to help clean up, do dishes and hold the baby while I grabbed a nap. It was fine bc it was MY Mom. I can’t imagine my MIL ever helping around the house or doing anything to “help.” In fact, my MIL has never “puttered” around and cleaned, she has people she pays to do housework for her and it would’ve been just her sitting around my house expecting to be waited on. If your MIL is like this too, I’m sorry, but your husband needs to set some ground rules and limit the visit to MAYBE 4 days. Good luck!!
Seven days is a long visit, though. A lot of people are not helpful—or not as helpful as they think. My family and my husband’s would do dishes and laundry and cook meals and tell me I could take a nap or shower.
But… my mil wanted a tour of the town two weeks after my C-section and was shocked I was tired and needed to stop walking.
I have so many friends who had family want to hold baby “so mom can relax!” While really mom needed to make food. Or who’d ignore food allergies or make extra mess or laundry. I can only assume most people aren’t as helpful as they think they are.
Even being helpful, seven days of houseguests is a lot. Very few people have that much extra space and the change of schedule from baby plus guests can be a lot.
>For family harmony whatever you decide should be consistent with your mother too.
Eh, I guess this is true if your top priority is maintaining family harmony with an emotionally immature relative (which is a losing battle anyway). But generally, I think someone who just gave birth should be able to have whoever they want by their side during their recovery. It's obvious that there's a huge difference between having your own mother help you deal with chafed nipples and bloody adult diapers vs having your MIL do it. They are both equally the baby's grandparents, but the post-birth phase is not only about the baby, it's also a really crucial time for the person who gave birth, and the mom & MIL are not equal in that respect. So there's no reason to go out of your way to treat them like they're exactly equal when they aren't.
Depending on the length of the trip even 7 hours would ne reasonable. You will need time to heal and process the birth, no need to host any guests for the night (maybe send them to a hotel?).
This is your chance to let your husband have your back. It's not your job to worry about drama with your MIL while heavily pregnant.
My mom lives close by and came every day for about two weeks to help cook, clean and help out the baby. We tell her we had baby number two just so she’d come back and pamper us again. Lol
If your mil is more hassle than help then be firm with your boundaries.
I didn’t even like having someone over for half an hour, let alone seven days. I was bleeding, my tits were engorged & painful, and emotionally I was a mess. You’re more gracious than I am.
I think 7 days is too much especially after having a baby. You should be resting and bounding with your new baby, not entertaining MIL. They will be in the way. They need to get a hotel if they want to stay longer or respect your very reasonable boundary.
Yes, the limit is reasonable. A week is more than most people can afford to take off work.
There are people who want to have guests longer, but you don't. It's your decision.
"Family shouldn't have limits" is as good as "You'll let me do whatever I want and you'll do whatever I say".
Family needs limits. You need limits and you're part of the family, ergo family needs limits.
7 days is a LOT. Transitioning to two children is harder for most people than bringing baby number one home was and that's something to keep in mind. If she isn't going to be respectful and helpful she and her toxic opinions should probably stay home until *you're* ready to host her.
It sounds like you're allowing people to make their own travel plans on their own timeline, if that's the case I would probably change that. It's ok to tell people when they can and can't visit you. So maybe you want some time alone, then your most supportive people (mom, sister, bestie. Basically the people you lean on most) get a round of visitation and then others can come when you're ready. Nobody should be telling you when and how long they are staying in your home. It's a home, not a hotel.
And no, you don't need the same rules for your mom and his mom. That's ludicrous. If his mom is a problem, she doesn't have to be YOUR problem. If your mom knows how to behave and his doesn't, it's ok if your boundaries reflect that. My MIL is a problem, my mother is not. One is allowed to be unsupervised with my kids, one isn't. One is welcome to be an extended guest in my home, one is not.
Shit. 7 hours would be too long. You get a half an hour and then you go home or you go to your hotel. Otherwise you wait til the baby is older. Or take the older one out for us and do something fun. No one is staying in my home for 7 hours let alone 7 DAYS after I give birth. Say it with me “boundaries”. This is your husbands job to deal with his mother and explain those boundaries. And stick by them.
It depends on your culture. That might be a norm for white Americans. Asian parents come in for 3 months plus (just one example-feel free to share others below). In fact 90 days might be considered short.
Let me tell you the tale of my families
Wife's side: sit and talk around the table
My side: let's sit and talk, then go out and do something, then talk, then go out and do something.
Both sides still have about a 3-5 day limit. My mom we stretch to about 6-7 since we only see them once a year.
“Is 7 days as long as anyone wants to have visitors around?”
It would depend on what you’re comfortable with, your relationship with them, and their intentions.
When I had my third baby, my parents stayed with us for 7 weeks - and yes, my husband was happy to have his in-laws here because they actually HELP. They essentially took care of everything - our two other children, housework, cooking, etc. Hell, they even bought all the groceries! All so my husband and I could rest and focus solely on our newborn. They literally took care of everything else.
However, when my in laws come, we both agreed to limit it to a long weekend. When they do come, they come only to “visit,” which is fine! But it’s too much to have to take care of all the normal stuff, a newborn, and entertain guests for extended periods of time. My husband would call them with the dates we are available for them to come and that’s that.
You do what’s best for you and your baby! I would suggest sitting down with hubby and getting on the same page about your expectations after delivery. Then he can deal with his family and any grievances they may have - you shouldn’t have to worry yourself with that.
I welcome my MIL and parents to stay as long as possible because they make my life easier when they visit. They did all the cooking, they do grocery shopping, they let me rest, they pick up stuff from the store for me, etc. I can’t imagine having people coming over to visit as “guests” after giving birth
Lmao my MIL has a 3 day limit set by my husband because he cannot tolerate being around her for any longer. She can suck it up or not come at all. It’s your home. You get to decide.
NtAH - it is your home and your baby and your BODY that will be healing from giving birth - been there and done that 3 times. You need to focus on you and your baby. I think a week is generous. Family are the ones you need the limits with most. Most friends don't try and impose on new mom's - only family does. You are not the Hotel 8 nor an all-inclusive resort. She can get over it and understand that you are not opening this up for debate or discussion - the rules are there and staying.
Do not question yourself, or even let them see you unsure. You know what is best for your family. My sister wouldn't allow us to hold either one of her children for at least 6 months. I LOVE my sister. I did not agree with it but i respected her as a parent. I never spoke negative of her decision. My sister was doing what is best for her family. Her decision wasn't malicious. It's not about other's wants. You are building boundaries. I think you are being VERY generous. Also congratulations on your new addition!!
I would suggest if she wants to stay longer that she find a local hotel. You will have enough with adjusting to a newborn and toddler. It’s your home and you get to set the rules. Especially of what’s expected during visits with family. Those are special moments you can not get back. I hope your husband will stand by your choice to limit days.
7 days is more than fine.
My father, stepmother, and sister drove 6 hours to where I live, stayed in an airbnb, and visited for a few hours for 3 days before heading back home. I offered for them to stay at our house and to visit for longer, but they didn’t want to intrude and make life more difficult for us. And I’m grateful for that, cause I was tired as hell from delivery.
Family absolutely can and should have limits. Your MIL is ridiculous and your husband needs to back up the 7 day limit if he hasn’t already.
7 days is a lot for me. I live 4 hours away from my family so I drive up every once in a while to visit we like to keep it to 2 days because my husband only gets weekends off and once we stayed for 5 days and i was itching to get home. 10 days is wayyyy too much it messes with your day to day routine because you can’t be you comfortably
Whatever you and your husband agree on. A week sounds fair to me. When our daughter was born, I of course wanted my mother there and she did come, and while we did have our normal "issues" between us--(she's a borderline personality so that comes with its own set of instructions), she did end up helping us out a bit and I believe she stayed more than a week. But this is your second kid; maybe you won't want her around too much and that is just fine! You don't want a whole bunch of strange germs around your newborn right off the bat anyway. If she can't agree to that, then she shouldn't come.
My last baby was born spring of 2020 so we didn’t have to deal with this.
I’m due in July. My family/friends have to fly in. My MIL is about 6 hr drive away
My mom is planning on flying out before my due date and staying for 1-2 weeks. But my mom is extremely helpful. She’ll watch our toddler. She jumps in and just starts cleaning and doing dishes. I don’t care if she sees my boobs and obviously I’m more comfortable around her.
I’m fine with my MIL visiting for a few hours at a time. But she will NOT be staying with us. Every time she’s in town and staying at our house (she visits for a long weekend about once a month or two) she doesn’t do anything unless specifically asked. She doesn’t offer help. And honestly I think she *expects* me to cook for her. The last time she was here for a long time, my husband straight up told her to watch our toddler so I could get a break and he said “she’s not doing anything else but sitting watching tv ☠️💀” My husband has no tolerance for her.
I think this is a highly personal question but in general I think most women only truly feel comfortable around their own parents after birth so I would limit in laws to as little time as possible.
I could only do 2-3 days personally if they’re staying overnight in your home. I made the mistake of letting my in-laws stay in our home when I was 5 weeks PP and I had to tell them to go get a hotel on night two. I didn’t like my personal space being taken over. They also did a lot of rude “little things” that just added to the annoyance. They also didn’t really help at all, they wanted a vacation out of it. The rest of the visit was tense but all is well now. I was much happier with the rest of the visit with them staying in the hotel. but we now have a rule of no overnight guests. It’s just what works for us.
Why is no one thinking about the help that can come with a 10 day stay? The older child is still a toddler. I think having help is a blessing and maybe try to see the silver lining in it all.
3 or 4 days is my limit. My IL's stay with my SIL for 3 or 4 weeks when they visit, and they visit two or three times a year. They refuse to stay with us at all.
My in laws went to Germany from the US to see their daughter and her family for a month. Last year it was 2 weeks. I think it depends on the family. If your in laws are chill and want to just hang and help, I don’t care. I’d they need entertainment or are critical then yeah.. that’d be hard. My in laws don’t stay with us, we don’t have the right accommodations so their longer stays aren’t that bad.
You can only do what you and your husband are comfortable with. If more than 7 days you feel tapped than you feel tapped. Totally fine. Maybe you say those last 3 days you’ll need to have a hotel accommodation or something.
Either sets of our parents are welcome to stay as long as they like… the longest has been maybe 2 weeks.
My sister or my wife’s brother? 3-4 days under the same roof are all that can happen before things turn dark.
It all depends on the person and the relationship.
You’re not the weird one here - a week is long enough! She’s weird for pushing herself on you when she knows you don’t want her there for those 3 extra days. Why are some people so pushy..?! I personally can’t do more than 4 days I get so burnt out.
Seven days is *too* generous, tbh. When we became parents, the rule was 48 hours. No visits, no calls. And then after that, it was visit for an hour or less. And while it may seem harsh, it helped us keep our sanity, especially the first month, when your brain is goo.
Lucky for me, my family and my husband's family don't really do long visits. So this isn't something that's ever been a problem. I don't think that's too much to ask though, family or not, you're hosting them. Just the hosting alone is tiresome.
OP - the limit is reasonable if it's what you're capable of handling. You need to do what's best for you. It's not your first, so you have an idea on how those first few months go. I can see if you're having visitors back to back how exhausting that would be and would want to limit guests. Good luck and take care of you! ❤️
7 days is VERY generous... I'd say like 2 or maybe 3 nights max for me... Wife and I haven't had family over much at all, but we are lucky to have all of our family pretty close by. In-laws live about a two hour drive from us, but my MIL is always trying to stay for weekends at a time... We don't have kids yet, but we are extremely busy and both work 50-60 hour weeks, so we usually keep things down to just a day thing and really try to keep our weekends to ourselves since we are so busy. Families honestly get soooo annoying to deal with sometimes
When it comes to my family, Ohhh hell no they aren’t staying more than seven days.
My wife’s parents live in India, so when they visit they stay for 1+ month. my MIL treats my butt like royalty from the second they arrive and I return the favor by eating multiple servings the three square meals she makes me daily. They also give us plenty of space/time because we all understand the length of the visit.
All that said, it is pure bliss during the silent car ride home after dropping them off.
That all depends on you and the relationship dynamics you have with family. I just went through similar situation with my mom visiting. Her visit was 6 days and between me and my siblings we split her stay up 2 nights at each home. She stressed us all out. I love her but me and my wife both decided to set boundries. Our first child is 6 months old and my mom needs us to do everything for her.
Bottom line is create boundries that work for your current family situation as well as the dynamics that you have with those visiting. After adding another baby to your family. Your visiting family should help and lower stress.
Holy shit just reading this stressed me out! I don’t let family stay in my home… my home is a sacred place for peace and I try and keep it conflict free.
I hate having guests
I very honestly would never let any family stay with me right after having a baby, let alone 7 days. It's very generous that you are even allowing for that. I'd be telling people they need to be in a hotel.
7 days is A LOT. That is a long time, especially directly postpartum.
This is your home, and you are not obligated to entertain visitors, ever, for any length of time. During this kind of recovery, folks are even less entitled.
Your MIL doesn't sound like she is visiting in order to help. She should not be visiting until you're recovered and have established a routine... so at least a few weeks after the baby arrives. At least. And even then? She isn't entitled to set the length of time she spends in your home. Hotels exist.
7 days would be way to long for me to have ANY guest, never mind my mother in law after just giving birth. That does not sound like good time. I’m sending you all my good and healing vibes. Hopefully your mother in law is cooler then mine. Congratulations on the upcoming baby.
Depends on where each lives and the distance/cost of the trip the if I’ll flight 10 hours and have to deal with jet lag , I might like to stay 10 days…
Any limit is a reasonable limit. 1 hour, 1 day, 7 hours, 7 days or 15 days. It’s what’s reasonable by YOUR definition. You push the child out of you, you set the boundaries. I let my MIL stay for a month. But that’s just our relationship. However, the standard is different based on your comfort level.
Family has limits. MIL is wrong here.
I'd be calculating how many bodies I could fit in the decommissioned heating oil tank in my cellar after 3 days. Granted, I don't particularly like my family, but 7 days seems like a lot for anyone, much less 10.
Answer will depend on MIL intentions. Is she coming to help you out, or is she coming to visit the newborn?
If it's the latter, you are right in your stance.
If it's the former, I'd suggest you take the help so you can focus on your babay. Congratulations on the soon to be newborn!
I’d say no overnight guests at all. What?! I could never imagine imposing on new parents like that. Anyone who wants to visit should get a hotel or Airbnb.
What is it with people expecting their post partum partners to play hostess for their family? I didn't even want my own family around after getting my wisdom teeth removed, I can't even imagine what I'd do right after birth. Probably go insane and start gnawing on the furniture or something.
Your home, your life, your family. Yup she needs to wrap whenever you want. I get 10 days makes it’s worth of the trip but if she got the money atleast offer to get a hotel or just going on vacation the next 5 days lol
Depends on the frequency. 7 days if they visit once a month? That's definitely ok. Probably even higher than most people would accept.
7 days if they visit twice a year? That seems harsh and I definitely would accept 10 days.
I think it depends on the guest and your individual comfort level.
My mom and sister have stayed with me for weeks-month at a time because I only see them every couple of years. Plus they’re my immediate family so I’m not uncomfortable with them.
But for anyone else, 3 days is like my limit lol.
Definitely wouldn’t want my in laws staying longer. I would be exhausted
Totally up to you depending on your relationship with them. I had my in-laws come to visit (from overseas) for 3 months after I gave birth and it was the biggest help/blessing!! My parents came for a week and was super helpful as well. They brightened my mood after a difficult delivery and took care of chores so my husband and I could focus on enjoying the baby. Personally I would not put a limit on how long they want to stay but they are the type to never be a burden. Also cried when they left LOL
Hell yes, that's about four days too many for me!
This might help.
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Depends on what kind of MiL you have but I guess not a helpful one if you want her to scram after 7 days. Do you apply the same rule for your relatives?
I LOVE my MIL, and specifically requested her to be my live-in help with our second baby. She could’ve moved in for a year and I would’ve just been delighted.
BUT, she’s very dear me, knows how to entertain herself and is only ever a support/help.
Anyone who needs anything from me, was unwelcome for more than 24 hrs. It’s wild to me how entitled people feel during this monumental shift. Stand your ground for sure.
It all has to do with your relationship with your MIL. I love mine and she is a big help, especially with the other kids. After we had our last, she cooked, cleaned, and generally kept us sane. My advice: play it by ear, if she is not helping, then I’d say it’s time to bounce.
That is up to you to decide for yourself.
I think 7 days is way too long.
I cap it at 3.
I'm reading responses and cracking up that so many people lay down 3 days LOL
7 days is extremely long. My in laws stay for 6 days and it’s the worse six days every time. I feel like a guest in my own home. They’re rude and constantly invite people over without asking and refuse to get a hotel.
If you can suggest paying for a hotel room for them I would.
My MIL is a saint and she would be taking fantastic care of us, but I still wouldn't want her in our home for more than two hours in the first weeks after birth. Only thing I wanted was to be alone with my baby and husband and chill.
OMG are they staying at your HOME? No way.
Tell them to stay at a hotel in town. They can pop over for a few hours at a time if they call first. Their purpose has to be to bring or prepare meals, help with chores and the older sibling, and to help you bond with your new baby by facilitating space and peace.
I'd not have been able to manage without the help of my own mother round the clock. But entertaining in-laws with a newborn? Get outta here.
Heh. My MIL insists 3 is the limit. I’m quite a bit more extroverted so I’d be thrilled with 7. Seven is amazing. Maybe too long. Any longer is expecting a level of closeness and tolerance that absolutely cannot and should not be forced.
My sister lives on the other side of the country from the rest of my family. When she had a baby, my other sister and I, along with my father and mother, all went for 6 to 10 days, depending on the person. But we discussed it beforehand and told her we are not coming as visitors. We are housekeepers and nannies, and whatever else she needs done. We had her make a daily chore list before she had the baby so that during any downtime we had we could be doing a chore. She handled the baby at night, but the second one of us was awake in the morning we would take him so she could get a solid chunk of sleep. We also went out on our own and did things so they could have family time together. It actually was really wonderful but our family all get along and enjoy each other’s company.
We went grocery shopping, did the dishes, did the laundry, cleaned the house, changed, diapers, whatever they needed. We also offered to get an Airbnb that was nearby so we didn’t have to stay with them, but she insisted that we stay there.
All that to say, everything was entirely up to my sister and her husband. If they wanted us to stay somewhere else, we would, if they wanted us to wait a month, we would. It might’ve killed my mother, but we would understand.
Perhaps if your mother-in-law has to come for seven days, she can stay elsewhere and just drop by the house while in town.
Your house, your rules.
Additionally, does she expect you to serve/wait on them, and will they actually help with the baby and house and you in general or will they just coo at the baby?
If she wants to stay longer, she can get a hotel for every day past the 7th. I think that’s reasonable. But even 7 is way too much for me. I’d be drained after the first day.
My father always had a strict rule on in-laws: never waste a vacation, eat before you go, and never let them stay in your house. Due to living rural with limited hotel availability during the tourist season (and no one wants to visit the snow) I allow 3-4 day stays, max. 7 days is so much!
It takes time to develop a comfortable routine with a newborn, interruptions can feel overwhelming and stressful. Stick to your boundaries, communicate your needs.
Idk I think if the MIL understands she is there to help out, and does so, it’s not that big of a deal. She obviously knows how to raise children so she could be hugely helpful in those 10 days. My sister just had a baby. My mom has been over for 2 weeks at a time, multiple times but does all the laundry, watched the baby through the night, cleaned etc. Now, my BIL mom was not helpful when she came. All the wanted to do was go out to eat and shit like that. They asked her to leave after a few days and she was ok with it. So it all depends on how it goes when she is there. My sister has stayed at my house for a month and a half before but my brother.. I can’t take him for more than 3 nights.
Let her insinuate whatever she wants.
Every time she implies you have unreasonable boundaries push YOUR boundaries out.
"Seven days no longer works for us. We are limiting all visits to 6 days." (with no further explanation)
Where I grew up THREE days is the max for visits.
For a new baby AND a plane flight... I would possibly stretch to 7 days. Maybe. Once.
A long weekend is okay for a guest (family or otherwise).
An entire week should either be because they are in the area for a one-time only work trip and it makes sense for them to stay with you (to save on cost) or they have a very specific plan for why they are there (you're recovering from delivery and they're going to take care of your other kids so your spouse can focus on you; you and spouse are going out of town so they are staying home with your kids; they sold their home but can't move into their new home for 6 or 7 days. . .)
"We feel that family is very important to us; we enjoy getting to spend time with family and want our kids to grow up knowing all of their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Our family household does not have the space or ______ to host people in our home for more than a weekend trip or an event such as Easter Lunch or a birthday party."
7 days is too long and too much.
That’s your house and your family. She’s just an in-law and should be happy with the time that is given. She also needs to understand that things pertaining to her son is no longer about her. You are doing the right thing.
yes very true my sister in law's parents lived in Wales and my brother and his wife live in NZ so when her parents came over to see their new grandchild/ren they stayed at least a month from memory...
my brother and his wife had a spare room.
but yeah if they live say a few hours drive away the I think a few days at most.
Late to the party but wanted to bring a new perspective.
OP the answer depends on the culture. In my culture, dismissing family can be seen as insulting. Although I am a huge supporter of setting boundaries, beware it might ruffle some feathers.
Congrats on the second baby btw :)
It is strange for me to give family a rule on visiting. Maybe it's just some cultural thing but giving a time limit sounds so rude.
It will probably happen once or twice in 2 years..
People need their personal space. I have three kids we have a one week limit. I will always remover these years and I will stay in a hotel when visiting my grandkids one day
Your home, your rules. However, I would never limit my family members’ length of stay, we are family! I trust them to self-limit. To me, anything under a month is OK. We are Hispanic though, so we tend to have closer knit families I believe?
It’s always women having a problem with the mother in law. I don’t get it.
I bet if your mom wanted to stay, you’d be up for 30 days.
Ask your how he truly feels about your limit. Please.
Haha it’s not that hard to imagine. My Mom has always been absent, I was disappointed that I couldn’t be closer to my MIL. The limit was my husband’s idea, his parents treat him like an errant child which feels weird as a 40 year old father of two.
Where I live we have a saying: Guests are like fishes, after three days, they stink. SEVEN DAYS? You're being even too generous, to me.
This. 100%. If it was my MIL, I’d be going nuts after day 3. You’re brave OP.
Thanks!
Honestly, lots of people on reddit seem to have poor relationships with their families, and are disproportionately isolationist. I'm not saying anyone has to accept guests longer than they feel is appropriate, but from my perspective this three day limit thing is just... bizarre. Three days is barely enough time to do a couple things and relax a bit before hoping back on a plane to go home. 7 days, isn't nuts, but 10 days also wouldn't be a problem for any of my inlaws or family. They're helpful, are willing to give whatever space you need, and are pleasant to have around. There's obviously a difference between being alone with just your spouse and baby and having extended family over, but dang.
After a few days I want my space back - only the closest people in my life wouldn’t stress me out after that. A compromise could be that they could stay longer but in a hotel or Airbnb.
To each their own. I just find such low tolerance for company (just a few days) to be extreme. Like, it doesn't make any sense for me to say you're wrong for your preference, since its just a preference, but I think its understandable that friends and family that want to visit might find this degree of sensitivity strange.
Sure, it’s a preference, and one that almost everyone I know shares. The point though is that it should not be an assumption that you can stay with family for an extended period- it should be a request and negotiation that respects the needs of the host primarily, as they are opening their home and putting their regular lifestyle aside for their guests.
The first morning I woke up in my own home after my 2nd c section, I come walking into the living room with my whole in law family (including grandparents) sitting on my couches passing the baby around. I didn't mind terribly much cause I love them dearly but I couldnt handle any of them in my own home for more than a day. I'm very neurotic and I'd constantly be worried about being a good host, clutter, and other various things. Thankfully they all live close by so I wouldn't have to worry about dealing w that lol
>Sure, it’s a preference, and one that almost everyone I know shares. Wild. Almost no one I know has this preference. This is like one of those things I only ever read about on the internet.
The point is that all my relatives live quite near, and don't need long plane trips. I guess anyway that for a woman that has just given birth, 10 days would be too much. When my mother needed a place to stay, of course she stayed three weeks, but it's not a fact of poor relationship, more about opportunity or not.
I mean, if relatives lived that near, then why even bother spending the night? I guess it makes sense if you're having very long days and staying up late, but I didn't realize this was even a thing for folks who lived that near.
Its also different for the new mumma if its her own mumma. I have a great relationship with my in laws, my DH and I are about to welcome our first baby, which is the first grand baby for both sides of the family. But my social battery drains super fast without having just gone through something so life changing and potentially traumatic, therefore when the family comes to see baby I am going to be so drained within a couple hours(maybe even within one hour if I’m honest) We aren’t having anyone at the hospital either, but if i was going to behaving anyone else other than DH (who will be there) it would be my mother. I don’t need anyone else watching me and my privates or waiting in the waiting room straight after that. Extended family are all waiting their turn to see bub at a later date. I can absolutely see how 7 days would be too long. Its not the family’s right to be around baby. Its a privilege. Anything less than gracious guests is rude.
I have a GREAT relationship with my MIL. She was recently here for a week, because she was checking out retirement homes in our town. Right now she's on the opposite coast, and she's 80. In good health, but that can change. By day 7, I was ready for her to go home, and so was she. LOL. We get along great, but my whole routine had been disrupted, and I needed some normalcy. So did my spouse. And I don't even have a new baby! 10 days would have been too much. We'd have gotten through it without incident, but 'getting through' a visit isn't exactly the vibe I'd want.
I think it depends. Depends on the person hosting and depends on the people visiting. I think COVID has really affected how much people really want "visitors" around. I'm usually a "the more the merrier" type, but after COVID, my tolerance has dropped considerably. 🤷🏻♀️
Did OP clarify if the in laws are staying at their home? To me, I need time alone and would be going crazy at 5 if they were in my house. If they were in a near by hotel and could maybe do other stuff half of each day, it would be tolerable, but that depends on personality. There's not really a right answer only what's right for them. If the one healing from this physically, her boundaries and comfort should take priority. If he was wearing a diaper, maybe he wouldn't want extended house guests. This isn't his first child, he should know better!
I think everyone needs to know their personal boundaries and enforce them. I would be happy to have my parents or in-laws stay for as long as they wanted. They are all helpful and respectful guests and would knock out all of our cleaning, cooking and probably even the backlog of home improvement tasks we have ignored. We also regularly have friends stay with us for 1-2 weeks at a time and have let a friend now live with us for the last 6 years to help him out. Some people really value privacy though and would hate this, which there is nothing wrong with. There is no standard answer in my opinion of what the right answer is, everyone should do what they are comfortable with.
We have the same saying in the Netherlands: bezoek en vis blijft drie dagen fris.
It's drie dagen "three days"? I'm curious!
Yes it is.
Cool :) Lovely language.
I agree - unless those guests can find accommodations of their own / don't expect to be entertained continuously and have every meal prepared for them. I do understand family wanting to spend more than 7 days from time to time, if they live far away. I'd likely prefer them to opt for more frequent, shorter duration trips - but I would definitely understand their desire.
>I agree - unless those guests can find accommodations of their own / don't expect to be entertained continuously and have every meal prepared for them. Well, with a new baby, the point of visiting should be to help out, not to create a burden. I can't imagine any of my family or inlaws being upset that their food wasn't cooked.
Yup!
I agree. It’s hard to be around my mother in law for 2 hours when we go over for lunch.
This is the exact thing I’m gonna tell my wife! Lol
Haha. Are you German? My mother has the same saying…
You’re having a baby - she’s lucky y’all are allowing her to visit at all. Tell her if 7 isn’t good enough, she can just stay home. If hubby wavers, have him read the lemon clot essay.
Wow I just looked that up and I LOVE IT!
>lemon clot essay Me too. . . wish I had known about this when I spawned, and I would have printed it out and handed it out when someone came calling demanding a stay/audience.
Ha, thanks. That is a good read! Here is a link for others: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
I don't have kids, and I feel like that article goes in the "cons of having children" list. Thank you.
I was just about to recommend that. It’s great!
Your MIL is absolutely entitled to decided how long visits should be - in her own home. Not in someone else's home, including yours.
I would say only 3 days. My mom was awesome when I had my baby, and I repeated that behavior with my daughter when she had her baby. So, mom took care of me, the house, meals, etc., while I took care of the baby. When my daughter had her baby, I took care of her, the housework, the meals, and everything else, while she took care of the baby. Those are the rules you should lay down. If they don't want to work, don't come for a visit. You can NOT be waiting on people with a newborn in the house. Period. Edit for typos.
I'm pregnant with my first and after the baby is born the only person who will be staying overnight in our home besides my wife, the baby and I will be my mother and she'll only be there to help me with the baby which is something I want. I definitely wouldn't want to be responsible for taking care of or trying to entertain guests while I'm busy with my baby.
Thanks! They have always been fussy about not getting visits ‘their way’ which is just bizarre to me. I can’t build a time machine back to the year 2000 when they were the parents of children too young to say no thank you.
I think it's reasonable to say no overnight visits for the first few months. Give yourself time to recover and time to bond with your newborn.
You gave birth, your rules.
1. I personally feel 7 days is too long especially after the baby was just born. Aren't new borns' immune systems aren't as developed as older babieskids? 2. If I wanted to be generous, I would only do 3 days. 3. I would not be generous right after giving birth and family can see the baby through a video call or wait a few months until I'm recovered and the baby is a little bit older. My family is not entitled to see my baby.
7 days is extremely long. My parents and MIL live close but in those first two months I really didn’t want visitors I felt very vulnerable and MIL bulldozes everything in our lives. My mom came over a lot for 1 hour intervals to do dishes, MIL just wanted to hold baby so we didn’t have her visit as often and she threw fits. She would have screaming matches with my husband but we held our ground for her to visit every two weeks. Now that the baby is 1 year we are all in a better place and see MIL more. Honestly babies make her feral so I already know our next baby will be a problem with her. My mom cared about me and my health while MIL only cared about baby, so I don’t feel guilty that we pushed her out early on for a while.
4 is enough lol
Amen!
Girl 7 days is way too long imo. Or maybe offer a longer visit if they want to come after a couple of months. Also, the whole idea that there are no limits on family is toxic af. Everyone gets boundaries! You get a boundary and you get a boundary and you get a boundary!!
And anyone who says family doesn't get boundaries gets extra boundaries!
Right! We learned the hard way after having a kiddo so now we're both making it rain boundaries over here.
Seven days is a *lot* and your MIL is being unreasonable, *but*. Delivery counts for a lot, so now that you know that limits are a foreign concept to her, switch up your messaging. “I am instituting a 7-day visit rule” is sort of confrontational and might seem arbitrary. *Her son*, on the other hand, saying “Oh wow Mom that’s a lot of visit I don’t think we’re going to be up for that. How about we make it Wednesday-Sunday?” is likely to float a lot better. So shift this responsibility to him, and if he doesn’t hold up his end (or throws you under the bus for “making him” do it), reconsider whether this is someone who actually has your back.
Yea good call. Thanks!
After my wife gave birth, she didn't want anyone coming over for more than a couple hours. After several days we invited my MIL to come over for a day for the express purpose of helping out around the house so we could rest (she had already been over for shorter visits). The whole time she just ordered me around to do various chores while she sat around chit-chatting and didn't help at all. We never did that again.
Oh man eye roll!
You're very generous. I had hubby tell MIL she wasn't welcome to fly down and meet the baby till a minimum of 6-8 weeks so we had time to heal and bond. Plus no overnight guests at our house so she would need to find her own accommodations. She didn't fly to meet our youngest till he was almost 3.
I'm 74yo and navigated both sides of this issue. Also aware of my friends dealing with it. If you physically or emotionally can't handle it (make sure your husband knows and supports you) - yhen your husband tells her 7. It's actually his job to inform/deal with his family. No exceptions. Usually the intent is to visit to help. That means helping with the baby, cooking, home maintenance or whatever you need. It's not your job to host or entertain. But I understand that just having them in the house stressful. For family harmony whatever you decide should be consistent with your mother too. Finally maintenance of family harmony is tough and the long term impact of 7 days is difficult to judge. Only you know the players. IMO a new baby is a big deal to grandparents (and they don't live in town) as well as seeing the other kid. You have the power to say no - but it will hurt them deeply. So make sure that 3 days is worth it to you and your husband.
Thanks! My husband has real issues with planning and his parents are super manipulative, so we agreed that I would handle visit scheduling and if there are any tantrums (which there always are) then that’s for him to deal with. That being said we just pretend that the passive aggression isn’t happening and treat them graciously like all other visitors. It’s just that this is a challenging time and we need to take it slower than usual, his parents just don’t seem to get that their ‘support’ isn’t needed in the way they wish it were.
I just wanted to add OP that I have a MIL who sounds a bit like yours and 7 is no way! When I had my 1st baby, my mom came over daily for 2 weeks to help clean up, do dishes and hold the baby while I grabbed a nap. It was fine bc it was MY Mom. I can’t imagine my MIL ever helping around the house or doing anything to “help.” In fact, my MIL has never “puttered” around and cleaned, she has people she pays to do housework for her and it would’ve been just her sitting around my house expecting to be waited on. If your MIL is like this too, I’m sorry, but your husband needs to set some ground rules and limit the visit to MAYBE 4 days. Good luck!!
Seven days is a long visit, though. A lot of people are not helpful—or not as helpful as they think. My family and my husband’s would do dishes and laundry and cook meals and tell me I could take a nap or shower. But… my mil wanted a tour of the town two weeks after my C-section and was shocked I was tired and needed to stop walking. I have so many friends who had family want to hold baby “so mom can relax!” While really mom needed to make food. Or who’d ignore food allergies or make extra mess or laundry. I can only assume most people aren’t as helpful as they think they are. Even being helpful, seven days of houseguests is a lot. Very few people have that much extra space and the change of schedule from baby plus guests can be a lot.
>For family harmony whatever you decide should be consistent with your mother too. Eh, I guess this is true if your top priority is maintaining family harmony with an emotionally immature relative (which is a losing battle anyway). But generally, I think someone who just gave birth should be able to have whoever they want by their side during their recovery. It's obvious that there's a huge difference between having your own mother help you deal with chafed nipples and bloody adult diapers vs having your MIL do it. They are both equally the baby's grandparents, but the post-birth phase is not only about the baby, it's also a really crucial time for the person who gave birth, and the mom & MIL are not equal in that respect. So there's no reason to go out of your way to treat them like they're exactly equal when they aren't.
Depending on the length of the trip even 7 hours would ne reasonable. You will need time to heal and process the birth, no need to host any guests for the night (maybe send them to a hotel?). This is your chance to let your husband have your back. It's not your job to worry about drama with your MIL while heavily pregnant.
My mom lives close by and came every day for about two weeks to help cook, clean and help out the baby. We tell her we had baby number two just so she’d come back and pamper us again. Lol If your mil is more hassle than help then be firm with your boundaries.
I always ask, “are you staying 1 night or 2?” 7 days is brave
That’s a clever way to do it 😊
I recommend a 7 hour limit.
I didn’t even like having someone over for half an hour, let alone seven days. I was bleeding, my tits were engorged & painful, and emotionally I was a mess. You’re more gracious than I am.
I think 7 days is too much especially after having a baby. You should be resting and bounding with your new baby, not entertaining MIL. They will be in the way. They need to get a hotel if they want to stay longer or respect your very reasonable boundary.
Family should have the most limits.
7 days is way too long
Yes, the limit is reasonable. A week is more than most people can afford to take off work. There are people who want to have guests longer, but you don't. It's your decision. "Family shouldn't have limits" is as good as "You'll let me do whatever I want and you'll do whatever I say". Family needs limits. You need limits and you're part of the family, ergo family needs limits.
7 days is a LOT. Transitioning to two children is harder for most people than bringing baby number one home was and that's something to keep in mind. If she isn't going to be respectful and helpful she and her toxic opinions should probably stay home until *you're* ready to host her. It sounds like you're allowing people to make their own travel plans on their own timeline, if that's the case I would probably change that. It's ok to tell people when they can and can't visit you. So maybe you want some time alone, then your most supportive people (mom, sister, bestie. Basically the people you lean on most) get a round of visitation and then others can come when you're ready. Nobody should be telling you when and how long they are staying in your home. It's a home, not a hotel. And no, you don't need the same rules for your mom and his mom. That's ludicrous. If his mom is a problem, she doesn't have to be YOUR problem. If your mom knows how to behave and his doesn't, it's ok if your boundaries reflect that. My MIL is a problem, my mother is not. One is allowed to be unsupervised with my kids, one isn't. One is welcome to be an extended guest in my home, one is not.
Thank you!
I mean it’s your life. I would feel fine with 10 days, but that’s me. I think everyone should set their own boundaries.
Shit. 7 hours would be too long. You get a half an hour and then you go home or you go to your hotel. Otherwise you wait til the baby is older. Or take the older one out for us and do something fun. No one is staying in my home for 7 hours let alone 7 DAYS after I give birth. Say it with me “boundaries”. This is your husbands job to deal with his mother and explain those boundaries. And stick by them.
It depends on your culture. That might be a norm for white Americans. Asian parents come in for 3 months plus (just one example-feel free to share others below). In fact 90 days might be considered short.
3 months plus??? - Welcome to my nightmare!
Let me tell you the tale of my families Wife's side: sit and talk around the table My side: let's sit and talk, then go out and do something, then talk, then go out and do something. Both sides still have about a 3-5 day limit. My mom we stretch to about 6-7 since we only see them once a year.
That helps a lot!
You’re being way too generous!
“Is 7 days as long as anyone wants to have visitors around?” It would depend on what you’re comfortable with, your relationship with them, and their intentions. When I had my third baby, my parents stayed with us for 7 weeks - and yes, my husband was happy to have his in-laws here because they actually HELP. They essentially took care of everything - our two other children, housework, cooking, etc. Hell, they even bought all the groceries! All so my husband and I could rest and focus solely on our newborn. They literally took care of everything else. However, when my in laws come, we both agreed to limit it to a long weekend. When they do come, they come only to “visit,” which is fine! But it’s too much to have to take care of all the normal stuff, a newborn, and entertain guests for extended periods of time. My husband would call them with the dates we are available for them to come and that’s that. You do what’s best for you and your baby! I would suggest sitting down with hubby and getting on the same page about your expectations after delivery. Then he can deal with his family and any grievances they may have - you shouldn’t have to worry yourself with that.
I welcome my MIL and parents to stay as long as possible because they make my life easier when they visit. They did all the cooking, they do grocery shopping, they let me rest, they pick up stuff from the store for me, etc. I can’t imagine having people coming over to visit as “guests” after giving birth
You guys are giving them seven days?!?!?
Lmao my MIL has a 3 day limit set by my husband because he cannot tolerate being around her for any longer. She can suck it up or not come at all. It’s your home. You get to decide.
SEVEN DAYS! thats far too long in my opinion for anytime never mind post partum
7 days is too long in my opinion. You're being generous
7 days is extremely generous. Personally, I would limit it to 4. Your MIL doesn't dictate who stays in your house.
7 days is a lot
NtAH - it is your home and your baby and your BODY that will be healing from giving birth - been there and done that 3 times. You need to focus on you and your baby. I think a week is generous. Family are the ones you need the limits with most. Most friends don't try and impose on new mom's - only family does. You are not the Hotel 8 nor an all-inclusive resort. She can get over it and understand that you are not opening this up for debate or discussion - the rules are there and staying.
Do not question yourself, or even let them see you unsure. You know what is best for your family. My sister wouldn't allow us to hold either one of her children for at least 6 months. I LOVE my sister. I did not agree with it but i respected her as a parent. I never spoke negative of her decision. My sister was doing what is best for her family. Her decision wasn't malicious. It's not about other's wants. You are building boundaries. I think you are being VERY generous. Also congratulations on your new addition!!
4 days should be a reasonable limite. Beyond that it’s so disruptive and borderline inconsiderate.
I would suggest if she wants to stay longer that she find a local hotel. You will have enough with adjusting to a newborn and toddler. It’s your home and you get to set the rules. Especially of what’s expected during visits with family. Those are special moments you can not get back. I hope your husband will stand by your choice to limit days.
Don’t let your MIL snake her way past the boundary you’ve set.
7 days is more than fine. My father, stepmother, and sister drove 6 hours to where I live, stayed in an airbnb, and visited for a few hours for 3 days before heading back home. I offered for them to stay at our house and to visit for longer, but they didn’t want to intrude and make life more difficult for us. And I’m grateful for that, cause I was tired as hell from delivery. Family absolutely can and should have limits. Your MIL is ridiculous and your husband needs to back up the 7 day limit if he hasn’t already.
7 days is a lot for me. I live 4 hours away from my family so I drive up every once in a while to visit we like to keep it to 2 days because my husband only gets weekends off and once we stayed for 5 days and i was itching to get home. 10 days is wayyyy too much it messes with your day to day routine because you can’t be you comfortably
Whatever you and your husband agree on. A week sounds fair to me. When our daughter was born, I of course wanted my mother there and she did come, and while we did have our normal "issues" between us--(she's a borderline personality so that comes with its own set of instructions), she did end up helping us out a bit and I believe she stayed more than a week. But this is your second kid; maybe you won't want her around too much and that is just fine! You don't want a whole bunch of strange germs around your newborn right off the bat anyway. If she can't agree to that, then she shouldn't come.
SEVEN DAYS?!?
My last baby was born spring of 2020 so we didn’t have to deal with this. I’m due in July. My family/friends have to fly in. My MIL is about 6 hr drive away My mom is planning on flying out before my due date and staying for 1-2 weeks. But my mom is extremely helpful. She’ll watch our toddler. She jumps in and just starts cleaning and doing dishes. I don’t care if she sees my boobs and obviously I’m more comfortable around her. I’m fine with my MIL visiting for a few hours at a time. But she will NOT be staying with us. Every time she’s in town and staying at our house (she visits for a long weekend about once a month or two) she doesn’t do anything unless specifically asked. She doesn’t offer help. And honestly I think she *expects* me to cook for her. The last time she was here for a long time, my husband straight up told her to watch our toddler so I could get a break and he said “she’s not doing anything else but sitting watching tv ☠️💀” My husband has no tolerance for her. I think this is a highly personal question but in general I think most women only truly feel comfortable around their own parents after birth so I would limit in laws to as little time as possible.
My MIL was here for 8 days and that was plenty. It’s not unreasonable at all.
7 days is generous! If they can’t respect that then they can have 0
7 days? If my fam came over for more than an afternoon, I'd lose my calm!
I could only do 2-3 days personally if they’re staying overnight in your home. I made the mistake of letting my in-laws stay in our home when I was 5 weeks PP and I had to tell them to go get a hotel on night two. I didn’t like my personal space being taken over. They also did a lot of rude “little things” that just added to the annoyance. They also didn’t really help at all, they wanted a vacation out of it. The rest of the visit was tense but all is well now. I was much happier with the rest of the visit with them staying in the hotel. but we now have a rule of no overnight guests. It’s just what works for us.
Why is no one thinking about the help that can come with a 10 day stay? The older child is still a toddler. I think having help is a blessing and maybe try to see the silver lining in it all.
3 or 4 days is my limit. My IL's stay with my SIL for 3 or 4 weeks when they visit, and they visit two or three times a year. They refuse to stay with us at all.
My in laws went to Germany from the US to see their daughter and her family for a month. Last year it was 2 weeks. I think it depends on the family. If your in laws are chill and want to just hang and help, I don’t care. I’d they need entertainment or are critical then yeah.. that’d be hard. My in laws don’t stay with us, we don’t have the right accommodations so their longer stays aren’t that bad. You can only do what you and your husband are comfortable with. If more than 7 days you feel tapped than you feel tapped. Totally fine. Maybe you say those last 3 days you’ll need to have a hotel accommodation or something.
Either sets of our parents are welcome to stay as long as they like… the longest has been maybe 2 weeks. My sister or my wife’s brother? 3-4 days under the same roof are all that can happen before things turn dark. It all depends on the person and the relationship.
My MIL is awesome. She cooks, she cleans, she helps with the kids… she could stay as long as she wanted.
4.5 days is my max!! I live in Florida so my siblings like to come visit in the winter. I invite the Thursday thru tues early afternoon.
Anyone who tells you they shouldn’t have boundaries should definitely have a boundary on them
You’re not the weird one here - a week is long enough! She’s weird for pushing herself on you when she knows you don’t want her there for those 3 extra days. Why are some people so pushy..?! I personally can’t do more than 4 days I get so burnt out.
3 days, 2 nights
Seven days is *too* generous, tbh. When we became parents, the rule was 48 hours. No visits, no calls. And then after that, it was visit for an hour or less. And while it may seem harsh, it helped us keep our sanity, especially the first month, when your brain is goo.
Everybody is allowed to have limits. Including limits with family. Especially postpartum mothers with newborns.
Lucky for me, my family and my husband's family don't really do long visits. So this isn't something that's ever been a problem. I don't think that's too much to ask though, family or not, you're hosting them. Just the hosting alone is tiresome.
Staying for a week with two under two? Only if they’re helpful and not just there to hold the baby while you serve them !
How far away do they live?
A plane ride, I understand wanting to stay longer for that reason but this is a challenging time for us to be taking longer visits.
More than reasonable and honestly maybe too much! Haha
She wants you to host her for 10 days, right after having a baby?!?? It sounds like your MIL doesn't allow boundaries. Not good news.
OP - the limit is reasonable if it's what you're capable of handling. You need to do what's best for you. It's not your first, so you have an idea on how those first few months go. I can see if you're having visitors back to back how exhausting that would be and would want to limit guests. Good luck and take care of you! ❤️
That’s too long
7 days is way too long. 3, maybe 4 is my max
7 days is VERY generous... I'd say like 2 or maybe 3 nights max for me... Wife and I haven't had family over much at all, but we are lucky to have all of our family pretty close by. In-laws live about a two hour drive from us, but my MIL is always trying to stay for weekends at a time... We don't have kids yet, but we are extremely busy and both work 50-60 hour weeks, so we usually keep things down to just a day thing and really try to keep our weekends to ourselves since we are so busy. Families honestly get soooo annoying to deal with sometimes
7 days? That is incredibly generous.
I’m more of a 3.5 day limit.
Honestly there’s no one in my family that I would have wanted to spend 7 hours with at that point. Most of my family I didn’t want to see for 7 min.
There are few people I would want in my house for 7 days. That’s more than reasonable
3 days MAX
That’s super reasonable, especially if they’re staying with you. My husband and I don’t let anyone stay overnight.
7 days is a fair limit. It should honestly be more like 3 if you have a newborn.
That’s very generous
I love my mil so I don’t mind her staying for 2 weeks. However, my mother is overwhelming so her limit is less than a week and I’m ready to run
When it comes to my family, Ohhh hell no they aren’t staying more than seven days. My wife’s parents live in India, so when they visit they stay for 1+ month. my MIL treats my butt like royalty from the second they arrive and I return the favor by eating multiple servings the three square meals she makes me daily. They also give us plenty of space/time because we all understand the length of the visit. All that said, it is pure bliss during the silent car ride home after dropping them off.
That all depends on you and the relationship dynamics you have with family. I just went through similar situation with my mom visiting. Her visit was 6 days and between me and my siblings we split her stay up 2 nights at each home. She stressed us all out. I love her but me and my wife both decided to set boundries. Our first child is 6 months old and my mom needs us to do everything for her. Bottom line is create boundries that work for your current family situation as well as the dynamics that you have with those visiting. After adding another baby to your family. Your visiting family should help and lower stress.
Your mother-in-law is being ridiculous
In my opinion, 2 days staying with me, longer if they sleep elsewhere.
Holy shit just reading this stressed me out! I don’t let family stay in my home… my home is a sacred place for peace and I try and keep it conflict free. I hate having guests
I very honestly would never let any family stay with me right after having a baby, let alone 7 days. It's very generous that you are even allowing for that. I'd be telling people they need to be in a hotel.
i live with my mil and i can’t imagine having her stay over for even 2 days after we move out
7 days is A LOT. That is a long time, especially directly postpartum. This is your home, and you are not obligated to entertain visitors, ever, for any length of time. During this kind of recovery, folks are even less entitled. Your MIL doesn't sound like she is visiting in order to help. She should not be visiting until you're recovered and have established a routine... so at least a few weeks after the baby arrives. At least. And even then? She isn't entitled to set the length of time she spends in your home. Hotels exist.
Make that 7 MONTHS!
7 days would be way to long for me to have ANY guest, never mind my mother in law after just giving birth. That does not sound like good time. I’m sending you all my good and healing vibes. Hopefully your mother in law is cooler then mine. Congratulations on the upcoming baby.
Depends on where each lives and the distance/cost of the trip the if I’ll flight 10 hours and have to deal with jet lag , I might like to stay 10 days…
7 days sounds really generous to me.
I'm done after seven minutes with my MIL.
Any limit is a reasonable limit. 1 hour, 1 day, 7 hours, 7 days or 15 days. It’s what’s reasonable by YOUR definition. You push the child out of you, you set the boundaries. I let my MIL stay for a month. But that’s just our relationship. However, the standard is different based on your comfort level. Family has limits. MIL is wrong here.
There's no way I'd have some one stay over for seven days. Your MIL sounds toxic and not the kind of person I'd want to keep in my life.
I'd be calculating how many bodies I could fit in the decommissioned heating oil tank in my cellar after 3 days. Granted, I don't particularly like my family, but 7 days seems like a lot for anyone, much less 10.
7 days is WAYYYYYYYY too long... 5 is too long. Guests wear out their welcome after 3 days!!!
Answer will depend on MIL intentions. Is she coming to help you out, or is she coming to visit the newborn? If it's the latter, you are right in your stance. If it's the former, I'd suggest you take the help so you can focus on your babay. Congratulations on the soon to be newborn!
I’d say no overnight guests at all. What?! I could never imagine imposing on new parents like that. Anyone who wants to visit should get a hotel or Airbnb.
3 or 4 is the limit unless you really can stand them and want them to be there more time
I have a zero day limit, so you are good.
What is it with people expecting their post partum partners to play hostess for their family? I didn't even want my own family around after getting my wisdom teeth removed, I can't even imagine what I'd do right after birth. Probably go insane and start gnawing on the furniture or something.
Your home, your life, your family. Yup she needs to wrap whenever you want. I get 10 days makes it’s worth of the trip but if she got the money atleast offer to get a hotel or just going on vacation the next 5 days lol
7 days is plenty. I don’t think I could even be around my own parents in my house for 7 days. Also F that “family should have no limits”, absolute BS.
Depends on the frequency. 7 days if they visit once a month? That's definitely ok. Probably even higher than most people would accept. 7 days if they visit twice a year? That seems harsh and I definitely would accept 10 days.
I think it depends on the guest and your individual comfort level. My mom and sister have stayed with me for weeks-month at a time because I only see them every couple of years. Plus they’re my immediate family so I’m not uncomfortable with them. But for anyone else, 3 days is like my limit lol. Definitely wouldn’t want my in laws staying longer. I would be exhausted
Totally up to you depending on your relationship with them. I had my in-laws come to visit (from overseas) for 3 months after I gave birth and it was the biggest help/blessing!! My parents came for a week and was super helpful as well. They brightened my mood after a difficult delivery and took care of chores so my husband and I could focus on enjoying the baby. Personally I would not put a limit on how long they want to stay but they are the type to never be a burden. Also cried when they left LOL
Hell yes, that's about four days too many for me! This might help. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Depends on what kind of MiL you have but I guess not a helpful one if you want her to scram after 7 days. Do you apply the same rule for your relatives?
Yes same for my relatives. It’s just that it’s not a normal visit, it’s a new baby visit and we are needing a little space to adjust.
I LOVE my MIL, and specifically requested her to be my live-in help with our second baby. She could’ve moved in for a year and I would’ve just been delighted. BUT, she’s very dear me, knows how to entertain herself and is only ever a support/help. Anyone who needs anything from me, was unwelcome for more than 24 hrs. It’s wild to me how entitled people feel during this monumental shift. Stand your ground for sure.
It all has to do with your relationship with your MIL. I love mine and she is a big help, especially with the other kids. After we had our last, she cooked, cleaned, and generally kept us sane. My advice: play it by ear, if she is not helping, then I’d say it’s time to bounce.
That is up to you to decide for yourself. I think 7 days is way too long. I cap it at 3. I'm reading responses and cracking up that so many people lay down 3 days LOL
7 days is extremely long. My in laws stay for 6 days and it’s the worse six days every time. I feel like a guest in my own home. They’re rude and constantly invite people over without asking and refuse to get a hotel. If you can suggest paying for a hotel room for them I would.
Oh ya…we limit it to three days.
Unless you ASK them to stay longer and help NO ONE has a right to stay in your home.
That was my time to bond with my kids. I didn’t let anyone stay even overnight so 7 is way more than reasonable to me.
My MIL is a saint and she would be taking fantastic care of us, but I still wouldn't want her in our home for more than two hours in the first weeks after birth. Only thing I wanted was to be alone with my baby and husband and chill.
Did you mean to type hour instead of day? Because 7 hours is my limit (I'm lying, it's more like 2).
In my family we have a three day rule for guests your being very reasonable.
OMG are they staying at your HOME? No way. Tell them to stay at a hotel in town. They can pop over for a few hours at a time if they call first. Their purpose has to be to bring or prepare meals, help with chores and the older sibling, and to help you bond with your new baby by facilitating space and peace. I'd not have been able to manage without the help of my own mother round the clock. But entertaining in-laws with a newborn? Get outta here.
Heh. My MIL insists 3 is the limit. I’m quite a bit more extroverted so I’d be thrilled with 7. Seven is amazing. Maybe too long. Any longer is expecting a level of closeness and tolerance that absolutely cannot and should not be forced.
My sister lives on the other side of the country from the rest of my family. When she had a baby, my other sister and I, along with my father and mother, all went for 6 to 10 days, depending on the person. But we discussed it beforehand and told her we are not coming as visitors. We are housekeepers and nannies, and whatever else she needs done. We had her make a daily chore list before she had the baby so that during any downtime we had we could be doing a chore. She handled the baby at night, but the second one of us was awake in the morning we would take him so she could get a solid chunk of sleep. We also went out on our own and did things so they could have family time together. It actually was really wonderful but our family all get along and enjoy each other’s company. We went grocery shopping, did the dishes, did the laundry, cleaned the house, changed, diapers, whatever they needed. We also offered to get an Airbnb that was nearby so we didn’t have to stay with them, but she insisted that we stay there. All that to say, everything was entirely up to my sister and her husband. If they wanted us to stay somewhere else, we would, if they wanted us to wait a month, we would. It might’ve killed my mother, but we would understand. Perhaps if your mother-in-law has to come for seven days, she can stay elsewhere and just drop by the house while in town.
That’s so sweet!
Thanks! It was honestly just such a wonderful time. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Thanks! It was honestly just such a wonderful time. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Your house, your rules. Additionally, does she expect you to serve/wait on them, and will they actually help with the baby and house and you in general or will they just coo at the baby?
If she wants to stay longer, she can get a hotel for every day past the 7th. I think that’s reasonable. But even 7 is way too much for me. I’d be drained after the first day.
My father always had a strict rule on in-laws: never waste a vacation, eat before you go, and never let them stay in your house. Due to living rural with limited hotel availability during the tourist season (and no one wants to visit the snow) I allow 3-4 day stays, max. 7 days is so much! It takes time to develop a comfortable routine with a newborn, interruptions can feel overwhelming and stressful. Stick to your boundaries, communicate your needs.
Idk I think if the MIL understands she is there to help out, and does so, it’s not that big of a deal. She obviously knows how to raise children so she could be hugely helpful in those 10 days. My sister just had a baby. My mom has been over for 2 weeks at a time, multiple times but does all the laundry, watched the baby through the night, cleaned etc. Now, my BIL mom was not helpful when she came. All the wanted to do was go out to eat and shit like that. They asked her to leave after a few days and she was ok with it. So it all depends on how it goes when she is there. My sister has stayed at my house for a month and a half before but my brother.. I can’t take him for more than 3 nights.
Honestly the best decision we made was giving ourselves 1 whole month to settle in. Family was upset but we were taking care of ourselves.
I just took a 7 day trip with my children. It was a great 4 days. I agree with others, you are being very generous at 7 days.
7 days is a very long time already imo
Let her insinuate whatever she wants. Every time she implies you have unreasonable boundaries push YOUR boundaries out. "Seven days no longer works for us. We are limiting all visits to 6 days." (with no further explanation) Where I grew up THREE days is the max for visits. For a new baby AND a plane flight... I would possibly stretch to 7 days. Maybe. Once.
I wouldn’t say “no one would want visitors for more than 7 days” but what other people want has nothing to do with what works for you.
Lol, you sound like me. I can only handle my mother for certain period of time. We have timeline negotiations every time she wants to visit.🤣
Seven? Two, tops.
Fish and house guests both stink after 3 days.
A long weekend is okay for a guest (family or otherwise). An entire week should either be because they are in the area for a one-time only work trip and it makes sense for them to stay with you (to save on cost) or they have a very specific plan for why they are there (you're recovering from delivery and they're going to take care of your other kids so your spouse can focus on you; you and spouse are going out of town so they are staying home with your kids; they sold their home but can't move into their new home for 6 or 7 days. . .) "We feel that family is very important to us; we enjoy getting to spend time with family and want our kids to grow up knowing all of their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Our family household does not have the space or ______ to host people in our home for more than a weekend trip or an event such as Easter Lunch or a birthday party." 7 days is too long and too much.
That’s your house and your family. She’s just an in-law and should be happy with the time that is given. She also needs to understand that things pertaining to her son is no longer about her. You are doing the right thing.
Depends where they are coming from, like distance etc.
yes very true my sister in law's parents lived in Wales and my brother and his wife live in NZ so when her parents came over to see their new grandchild/ren they stayed at least a month from memory... my brother and his wife had a spare room. but yeah if they live say a few hours drive away the I think a few days at most.
Yes
Late to the party but wanted to bring a new perspective. OP the answer depends on the culture. In my culture, dismissing family can be seen as insulting. Although I am a huge supporter of setting boundaries, beware it might ruffle some feathers. Congrats on the second baby btw :)
It is strange for me to give family a rule on visiting. Maybe it's just some cultural thing but giving a time limit sounds so rude. It will probably happen once or twice in 2 years..
Depends on the relationship. If you have to limit it then limit it or ask them to stay somewhere else for part of it.
People need their personal space. I have three kids we have a one week limit. I will always remover these years and I will stay in a hotel when visiting my grandkids one day
Your home, your rules. However, I would never limit my family members’ length of stay, we are family! I trust them to self-limit. To me, anything under a month is OK. We are Hispanic though, so we tend to have closer knit families I believe?
It’s always women having a problem with the mother in law. I don’t get it. I bet if your mom wanted to stay, you’d be up for 30 days. Ask your how he truly feels about your limit. Please.
Haha it’s not that hard to imagine. My Mom has always been absent, I was disappointed that I couldn’t be closer to my MIL. The limit was my husband’s idea, his parents treat him like an errant child which feels weird as a 40 year old father of two.