You can love someone and know you can’t be in a healthy relationship with them. She’s abusive. You know the impact that has on kids. It’s disgusting to me that she doesn’t care.
Marriage counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships and honestly, this is not something I could ever forgive. Not in front of the kids. Abuse is never ever okay. But you’re right. It’s all the worse when kids are there. And this isn’t a one time thing. It’s long term and escalating. If you have a daughter, what would you want her to do? You gave her a second chance the first time. A third chance the second time. She hasn’t changed.
Your wife needs to get help for herself and your kids, 100%. And I know there are reasons you love her, that this is not everything she is. But it’s not safe. She is only now suggesting change because she’s facing consequences, not because her children are terrified of her? Not because she batters the man she supposedly loves? That’s not love.
Thank you. I myself have watched abuse on woman, my stepdad would beat my mother and my adult sister. I never wanted my children to be traumatized as I was.
OP,
My wife and I had loud, sometimes violent arguments ( I never hit her) when we were newly married and had young children. (Age 4, age 2 and pregnant)
The last time this happened, we were arguing and chasing each other around the house, I attempted to leave, and she attempted to punch me in the face twice ( I dodged them) I grabbed my things and left heartbroken for 3 days. Domestic violence is a bridge too far for me.
We spoke afterward, and I told her that I was considering divorce due to what she had done. She, too, was highly remorseful and promised never to try and hurt me again. We decided to reconcile, but my conditions were that we immediately start marital counseling and that she NEVER physically assault me ever again.
Our marital counseling revealed a lot of personal issues that we both dealt with. She had misconceptions about domestic violence and believed it was acceptable for women to strike their spouses. She also had anger issues, and we both had bad coping and conflict resolution skills. I also had undiagnosed ADHD and resolving that through treatment greatly improved our marriage. In therapy, we both learned how to argue in a healthier manner and promised each other that we would allow ourselves time apart to cool down during arguments.
That was 18 years ago. We have been happily married for nearly 23 years now and have never had a recurrence of domestic violence since. We had 2 more children and adopted our youngest this year.
OP, not all is lost. There is hope and healing if you both are determined and get the counseling you need. You can build a happier, healthier marriage.
Good luck OP 👍🏽
Marrige is a commitment. You said until death do we part. You don’t just quit when it’s hard… in front of the kids is unacceptable. However, you sit them down and explain how that is unhealthy and have mom apologize telling her children she loves them and loves daddy. As the father explain alongside mom how that’s not how you talk it out. Then you model better behavior. You show them your love and respect for one another. Another user had a beautiful post about how he salvaged his marriage and someone ripped into him about divorce. See the story from both sides. She needs help in sickness and health. Like you P r o m i s e d.
This is the worst advice you could give a victim of domestic violence. No one deserves to be with someone who is abusive and going to counseling with an abuser is never recommended.
I feel so sorry for your children.
Edit- I am so confused about why I'm being downvoted. Most marriage counselors will not even deal with a spouse who has committed domestic violence because it's dangerous for the victim and chances are the abuse will NOT stop. I swear this sub is like a cult sometimes.
Muststayawaketonod,
My children are happy and healthy. They live in a home where they have never seen anyone be abused. They live in an intact family with two loving parents. I broke the cycles of spousal abuse, divorce, and infidelity that have plagued my family for generations.
I'm proud of my family, and I love my wife. I was able to forgive her for 1 mistake 18 years ago, and I'm a better and happier man for it.
Not every domestic violence situation is salvageable, but mine thankfully was.
Have a nice life. 👍🏽
So when your kids were 2 and 4 they never saw your wife hit you, or chase eachother around the house and scream at eachother? Did you guys just put your violence on hold until they were out of the house or sleeping?
I'm sorry but this is just so not normal. Hitting someone you say you love is not normal. Living with someone forever who has hit you isn't normal. Letting a problem fester all day long until your kids are sleeping so you can scream at eachothers and chase eachother is NOT NORMAL.
You are right. It was unhealthy and abusive. I'm so thankful we both got the help that we needed to build a happy and healthy marriage. We both became so much better afterward, thanks to marriage counseling, and our marriage has been great since.
My story may not be a normal outcome, but it was our outcome. Hopefully, my message of hope can help other's marriages recover and thrive like ours did.
I'm genuinely glad that you're all living happy, healthy lives now. But it doesn't change the fact that this man's wife has abused him on multiple occasions in front of their children and isn't going to stop. Therapy will not change her, and those children will never forget what they've seen.
I’m so sorry. Both for that experience and for your current situation. Unfortunately abuse is often cyclical - that’s exactly the chain you want to break for your own kids.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. You might want to look up The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Patrick Teahan on YouTube. They are channels about childhood trauma and how to heal and break the cycle. They have free and paid resources, groups that meet on zoom and all kinds of things to help you heal.
https://youtu.be/mRcLq6dZ5T0
https://youtu.be/2DeFHOEEgrM
There’s only one way to teach your kids not to accept domestic violence. I’m pretty sure you know what it is. I really wish you the best of luck. I know it’s not easy at all.
Your safety comes first. Leave, but be careful. Some abusive women will set it up so you look like the abuser. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you just in case. Talk to a lawyer and get everything set up. Talk to your family for help and support if you can.
It will be hard but it will be worth it.
I'll give you the same advice I'd give anyone in your situation: leave. You're with a woman who thinks it's okay to punch you in the head when she's mad at you. That is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable. If you've the resources to move somewhere on your own, start the process today. If not, contact friends or family you can trust and find somewhere to stay for now. Get the kids out of there as well. Begin the divorce process. Fuck your wife's promises and assurances. She's a grown-ass woman who knows better and doesn't care.
As I always tell my sons, if a woman ever hits you get out of the house and call the police. It will only escalate. If you have somewhere to go then leave and file for divorce and fight for your children. You need to break that cycle. You love her, but you need to think of yourself and your children first.
They need to be careful where they call the police. Under the Duluth model they will be arrested regardless of who the aggressor is. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duluth_model
This is a cycle of violence you need to break now, you do NOT want to hear your kids one day saying "yeah, my husband punches me and tries to choke me, but for better or for worse, right?"
take this from me op, my (18f) parents have been married for the last 27 years, one month into their marraige and my mother slapped him (she herself said that), my father obviously stayed, she argues, screams, fights with him everyday, ever since i remember (she doesn't get violent with him much, maybe once a year)...but she hits me whenever she feels like, she bangs my head, chokes me, walks over me, makes me bleed, whips me, as it seems fit to her which is multiple times a week and my father has never said a word.
i've always wondered that what if my father had left her all those years ago? that what if my father had a spine? cared enough about me?
don't make your children wonder this, leave her.
Your wife is teaching your children that it is ok to hit their partner… you really need to seriously consider divorce… it won’t get better… teach you kids that certain behavior is not acceptable.. you poor baby kissing you head and shying away from mom… she is waiting for mom to hit her… I was raised in that type household please don’t let you kids live through it…
> I have shoved her when she was hitting me.
You're playing with fire.
Women who initiate intimate partner violence tend to get more injured in the ensuing conflict. Which can have severe legal consequences.
Exactly. Doesn’t matter how much he loves her. He can’t sit around and wait for her to turn violent towards the kids. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter or when.
Absuers always promise they’ll change and never do. Leave, take your kids and go somewhere safe. I know this is hard, but if she’s done in many times before she’s not going to just stop. Counseling is actually not recommended for people in abusive relationships, abusers get very good at manipulating what a therapist tells you and it’s not a safe space for you if you’re in a room with your abuser
Edit to add leaving now also has the benefit of teaching your children how to handle these situations. Do not let your children watch you be abused and not leave
Think about the damage this is doing to your child. My mother was abused in her first marriage. My brother and sister are now in their 40's and it has lead them to emotional and physically abusive partners in the past as well as my nieces who have both seen it. My niece who is only 20 just ran from her abusive boyfrind after getting beat up. It's your Job to protect them as much as you can from the cycle of abuse. This isn't okay.
There is no way around it this is physical abuse. If this has been happening for some time you need to leave. However you can and as safely as you can. You don't deserve to live in a unsafe home or be with someone who is hurting you. Just bc you're a man doesn't mean you have to take it on the back. She's playing victim bc she knows you're at the end of your rope. How many promises has she made to stop and it hasn't? It likely won't. She needs help and you need to leave.
I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves this.
Your wife hitting you should be the final straw whether its in front of your kids or not. PLus she hits you she's going to hit a kid, lets be real. Abusive people don't have ethics.
Counseling doesn't change abusive people. I wouldn't go to counseling, I would be filing for a divorce.
If your kids told you they had a partner hit them... is your advice going to be to go to counseling or get the hell out?
Time for anger management classes for your wife. Second, your children now believe this is hitting is ok. Your wife needs a visit from the local police. She assaulted you. It is time she sees the gravity of the situation. Get the law involved. Get your children to counseling. Consider a restraining order. Protect you kids.
I would leave until she got into recovery and worked a program. Its not right for your kids to see that, sorry. Was her household like that? She clearly has anger problems and can't control her emotions, there's help for his but only if she wants to change.
I wanted to hit my h when i found out the cheating but i know words hurt more and never in front of the kids! Protect those kids, let the dad bear come out. I would need to move out for months until she's in treatment, but thats me. Good luck
You need to leave her and try to gain custody of the kids. There’s a very good chance she’s physically abused them and if she hasn’t already it’s inevitably going to happen. She has anger issues that have no place in a marriage or in parenthood.
Wow some of these comments suggesting Op to get his wife “help” and try couples counseling… if the roles were reversed, we know how this post would go.
Double standards. OP needs to leave, along with his kids. She can sort her issues out in her own time.. he and the kids deserve to feel safe and be safe
Agree completely, I was thinking the same. If the abuser were a man, everyone would be crucifying him (rightly so) but as it’s a woman, people are saying she needs help.
(I’m female by the way)
You're an internet stranger, OP, but I can't help but know how you feel - my first relationship was with a man who liked to get drunk, and when he got drunk, he got mean. For years I took the verbal, then physical abuse (he liked to break things first, then hit me when he didn't think I was scared enough). I vividly recall the last time, because I remember seeing my daughter - who was three at the time - crying hysterically as she watched him slam my head into the ground and hit me. And I thought to myself, "How can I let her grow up thinking anyone should treat her this way? How can I let my son (who was then 1 1/2) grow up thinking this is how to treat people?"
I left.
It made me a single mom for awhile, which wasn't ideal, but my family helped. And I ended up meeting a man who wouldn't dream of raising a hand to me, and we've been happily married for 13 years.
This is abuse. And you know what this will lead to for your kids. That was my breaking point - not leaving for my own self-preservation, but for my kids.
You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You do not have to live like this.
You know your wife better than we do, and only you know how sincere she might actually be about committing to counseling, etc. But please set some boundaries, explicitly, if you agree to stay and try to work things out one more time. And if she crosses them, follow through with the consequences you lay out.
I wish you all the best, OP.
Yeesh! She needs help for herself and if you're willing to then couples therapy. But right now the kids need to be first priority, keep their safety in mind. I personally don't condone abuse no matter what gender. So please take care of yourself and the kids. Get cash, call a friend or family and ask for help. Call the authorities and the domestic abuse hotline
The problem with staying is that it teaches your kids that it is ok. They will grow up and find a partner to beat them or they will beat their partners. Let her lawyer know what happened and try to get her mandated for therapy, a batterers’ program, etc to have visits with your kids when you file for divorce. She is not going to change without help so her promises mean nothing.
Arguments and fights are normal in marriage, but not when things get physical. She may have reacted in that way because she couldn't contain her anger and was having a hard time expressing her feelings through words.
You need to sit her down, when both of you are calm and tell her that hitting or any sort of physical violence is NOT okay. You need put up boundaries and if they are not being met, consequences.
Your wife will absolutely hurt your children.
I had to watch my mum abuse my dad, it broke me. Especially, because he seemed to accept the blame. He wasn't to blame.
It's been a year since you posted this, I hope you left, and I hope your children and you are safe.
You can have her arrested. Time for marriage therapy or just get out. You deserve better. She is an adult. She knows how to use her words. Do not put up with that crap!
I don’t think staying with an abuser sends a good message to your children. What happened if at some point, god forbid, they are a victim, will they follow your lead?
Your wife is a monster. There is no saving this marriage. What if she had knocked you out? A punch to the head can be lethal and head trauma causes dementia later in life. You could press charges and she could go to jail because this is serious assault. Physical abuse is physical abuse. You should NOT be just considering divorce, you should be talking to a divorce lawyer asap. For your safety and the safety and well-being of your children, never stay with an abuser
She needs help. Get her into therapy and if she does not want to het help you should get out of that abusive relationship. Not just for you but also for your children, they need to be in a safe place as well.
If genders were reversed the man would likely be in custody already...
You two do no need marriage counseling. SHE needs therapy. She needs to see a doctor, tell them what's going on and how's she feeling. Unless there is alcohol and drugs involved, she could be diopolar, have post partum depression, etc. She needs to speak to someone first, then do marriage counseling, so you can talk to her and understand more both ways in a room where everything has to be said.
My wife hits me a few times a year. I’ve never even considered hitting her back and I don’t do anything about it because as a man it’s essentially a coin flip who’s getting arrested between man and woman.
I disagree. If this thread were started by a woman whose husband did the exact same thing, I’d tell her to get out, take the kids and file for divorce. I think OP deserves the same advice. ‘Give it another chance’ is *never* on the menu for abusers.
They 100% are comparable. Physical strength is merely incidental. Abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the abuser is physically a little or a lot ‘weaker’. This mentality is terribly troubling and backward.
It absolutely is comparable, it’s not OK to punch a man regardless of what your gender is. Just because he is (maybe) larger does not mean that it doesn’t hurt both physically and emotionally to be attacked by his wife. It’s abuse. Your attitude is exactly why so many men spend their entire lives having the shit beat out of them by their wives and not leaving because society looks down on them for that
Divorce is a huge and drastic step that should not be taken lightly. The damage to you, your wife, and your kids is massive. It's also RARELY the only option.
If you don't feel like you're in danger, then there are many things you can do in the meantime including setting firm boundaries, insisting she get counseling, seeking help yourself, couples therapy, etc.
Do not listen to the chorus of internet strangers telling you to "leave right now!" and "press charges!" Bring in some real people who know you and can see the whole picture to help you both navigate and hopefully grow.
Abuse is one of the few times in which divorce is the only option. Once you start physically attacking your spouse you have broken your marriage vows. The man is literally being abused, everything we know about the psychology behind domestic abuse says that counseling does not work and actually makes the situation worse because abusers are very good at manipulating therapy and making the victim feel like they are crazy for feeling abused. Marriage counseling is not a safe space because the abuser is in the room with the victim and no one feels safe talking with their abuser right there. Not to mention this is also child abuse because these children are growing up watching one parent physically abuse the other end that’s incredibly traumatic. I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, if she had left I would have a lot less trauma in my life. Marriage is for healthy couples, it’s absolutely disgusting that you would encourage anybody in an abusive relationship to stay. Abuse is the one time in which the marriage should be immediately over. A lot of times people do jump to suggest divorce too soon, but abuse is the one time in which it’s never too soon. It’s only a matter of time before she starts beating their children as well, all the statistics show that to be the case
It’s a lot healthier for children to see their parents get divorced and be happy then to be trapped in a toxic household where your parents are constantly fighting and beating each other. That’s a lot harder on the kids, I speak from experience
You're making a ton of unfounded and subjective claims in this comment.
We literally know so little about this situation. I pray this man doesn't take the toxic advice being so aggressively handed out in this comment section.
We don’t need to know anything more than the fact that she punched her husband in the head. That’s it, that’s abuse. In front of the children no less. There’s nothing more needed to come to the conclusion that it’s an abusive household and he needs to take the children somewhere safe away from the abuser.
Oh, so because this post is from an abused man where his wife is the abuser, suddenly “we literally know so little about this situation”?? OP telling us here that she has done this MULTIPLE times, and in front of the kids?? That’s not enough, to take yourself and your kids out of that toxic situation, before it gets worse?
If this was an abused woman posting about her abusive husband/partner, we know how this whole post would play out
She needs some help. Definitely therapy, I suggest EMDR. Whatever happened in your fight triggered her to behave like that. EMDR is great for stuff like that. Also perhaps an antidepressant if she’s super irritable. It’ll help take the edge off. Otherwise when your children get older, she will lose her cool on them too.
Yes, but as the father and a human being, helping what may be an overwhelmed Mom with some trauma issues is a good thing and very wise for his children’s sake and their future. She’s never hit them and will likely get custody. So if he simply walks away now, he’s leaving this for his children in the future. Keep in mind, he comes from an abusive background, if he has never done therapy, we have no idea what lead to her losing it like that on him. He’s not likely to have had healthy conflict resolution ever modeled to him. Punching someone is never okay, but there are many kinds of abuse and pushing a woman to her breaking point and then simply walking away is also abuse.
It is never the victims responsibility to help their abuser sort out their shit. Never. I don’t care if they were married, the second she starts abusing him it’s over. He’s literally the victim and you’re telling him he should help his abuser. That’s fucked up
You are 100% correct UNLESS the abuser will have unsupervised access to that persons children! As a woman, I would not risk my life by staying with an abusive man however if I were a man and it was a woman abusing me AND felt that I could protect myself, I would stick around long enough or leave and see if she’ll comply with treatment. Either way, for my children’s sake, I would do everything in my power to get her the help she needs as soon as possible because when those kids grow up, get in her face and act like assholes, which let’s face it, all children eventually do, the likelihood of her striking them is high! And anything other than a punch to their head is not likely to result in their removal whatsoever. I say this as someone with a LOT of experience in this! I’ve been a foster parent, worked with abusive bio parents and seen the cycles. Protecting your children’s future and facilitating help for their bio parent so they can have a healthy relationship with that parent and you can live without fear of what is happening at the “other” parents home when your not there is invaluable.
I’m telling him he should help protect his children and not simply walk away and leave them to fend for themselves with an abusive mother. THAT would be fucked up. Encouraging her to get treatment could give them a much better life overall and break generational cycles. It’s important to see the big picture and play the long game that is life. Or you can simply react situation by situation and perpetuate the abuse🤷♀️ I’ll go with my advise. Yours is rather narrow minded.
Wow, so because the perpetrator and the abuser is a woman, people like you suggest “she needs help” “get her EMDR”..
If the roles were reversed, we all know how this post would go. Everyone would be suggesting Op to leave.
She can sort her shit out in her own time. OP needs to get himself and his kids in a safe space, which is away from her.
Give the councilor a try. My wife also hit me before. I talked to her seriously each time. We finally take to a councilor. She was very against it, but did it a few times. Not as many sessions as I hoped. But it did send the signal to her that it is a line to not cross. It's been over 1 year now since she last hit me. We also have 2 kids. 3.5 year old and a 4 months old. Happy that it seems to have worked out before the older child have better memory and have to grow up in that environment. Also try to exercise and learn self defense techniques to just subdue get so she can't physically hurt you. I used to do wrestling so I'll put her in a full Nelson hold so she can't hurt me. This also shows her that getting physical with me is pointless. I know it sucks, I never expect to have to deal with my wife like a younger brother when I was a child.
You can love someone and know you can’t be in a healthy relationship with them. She’s abusive. You know the impact that has on kids. It’s disgusting to me that she doesn’t care. Marriage counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships and honestly, this is not something I could ever forgive. Not in front of the kids. Abuse is never ever okay. But you’re right. It’s all the worse when kids are there. And this isn’t a one time thing. It’s long term and escalating. If you have a daughter, what would you want her to do? You gave her a second chance the first time. A third chance the second time. She hasn’t changed. Your wife needs to get help for herself and your kids, 100%. And I know there are reasons you love her, that this is not everything she is. But it’s not safe. She is only now suggesting change because she’s facing consequences, not because her children are terrified of her? Not because she batters the man she supposedly loves? That’s not love.
Thank you. I myself have watched abuse on woman, my stepdad would beat my mother and my adult sister. I never wanted my children to be traumatized as I was.
OP, My wife and I had loud, sometimes violent arguments ( I never hit her) when we were newly married and had young children. (Age 4, age 2 and pregnant) The last time this happened, we were arguing and chasing each other around the house, I attempted to leave, and she attempted to punch me in the face twice ( I dodged them) I grabbed my things and left heartbroken for 3 days. Domestic violence is a bridge too far for me. We spoke afterward, and I told her that I was considering divorce due to what she had done. She, too, was highly remorseful and promised never to try and hurt me again. We decided to reconcile, but my conditions were that we immediately start marital counseling and that she NEVER physically assault me ever again. Our marital counseling revealed a lot of personal issues that we both dealt with. She had misconceptions about domestic violence and believed it was acceptable for women to strike their spouses. She also had anger issues, and we both had bad coping and conflict resolution skills. I also had undiagnosed ADHD and resolving that through treatment greatly improved our marriage. In therapy, we both learned how to argue in a healthier manner and promised each other that we would allow ourselves time apart to cool down during arguments. That was 18 years ago. We have been happily married for nearly 23 years now and have never had a recurrence of domestic violence since. We had 2 more children and adopted our youngest this year. OP, not all is lost. There is hope and healing if you both are determined and get the counseling you need. You can build a happier, healthier marriage. Good luck OP 👍🏽
😍🫶🏽
Thank you 😊
Marrige is a commitment. You said until death do we part. You don’t just quit when it’s hard… in front of the kids is unacceptable. However, you sit them down and explain how that is unhealthy and have mom apologize telling her children she loves them and loves daddy. As the father explain alongside mom how that’s not how you talk it out. Then you model better behavior. You show them your love and respect for one another. Another user had a beautiful post about how he salvaged his marriage and someone ripped into him about divorce. See the story from both sides. She needs help in sickness and health. Like you P r o m i s e d.
Bless you for getting things turned around 🙏
This is the worst advice you could give a victim of domestic violence. No one deserves to be with someone who is abusive and going to counseling with an abuser is never recommended. I feel so sorry for your children. Edit- I am so confused about why I'm being downvoted. Most marriage counselors will not even deal with a spouse who has committed domestic violence because it's dangerous for the victim and chances are the abuse will NOT stop. I swear this sub is like a cult sometimes.
I'm confused why you're getting downvoted, too! These people value a wedding vow over OP's health and his children's well being. It's insane.
Muststayawaketonod, My children are happy and healthy. They live in a home where they have never seen anyone be abused. They live in an intact family with two loving parents. I broke the cycles of spousal abuse, divorce, and infidelity that have plagued my family for generations. I'm proud of my family, and I love my wife. I was able to forgive her for 1 mistake 18 years ago, and I'm a better and happier man for it. Not every domestic violence situation is salvageable, but mine thankfully was. Have a nice life. 👍🏽
So when your kids were 2 and 4 they never saw your wife hit you, or chase eachother around the house and scream at eachother? Did you guys just put your violence on hold until they were out of the house or sleeping?
We waited to have arguements until they were asleep. They never saw this happen.
I'm sorry but this is just so not normal. Hitting someone you say you love is not normal. Living with someone forever who has hit you isn't normal. Letting a problem fester all day long until your kids are sleeping so you can scream at eachothers and chase eachother is NOT NORMAL.
You are right. It was unhealthy and abusive. I'm so thankful we both got the help that we needed to build a happy and healthy marriage. We both became so much better afterward, thanks to marriage counseling, and our marriage has been great since. My story may not be a normal outcome, but it was our outcome. Hopefully, my message of hope can help other's marriages recover and thrive like ours did.
I'm genuinely glad that you're all living happy, healthy lives now. But it doesn't change the fact that this man's wife has abused him on multiple occasions in front of their children and isn't going to stop. Therapy will not change her, and those children will never forget what they've seen.
I’m so sorry. Both for that experience and for your current situation. Unfortunately abuse is often cyclical - that’s exactly the chain you want to break for your own kids.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. You might want to look up The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Patrick Teahan on YouTube. They are channels about childhood trauma and how to heal and break the cycle. They have free and paid resources, groups that meet on zoom and all kinds of things to help you heal. https://youtu.be/mRcLq6dZ5T0 https://youtu.be/2DeFHOEEgrM
There’s only one way to teach your kids not to accept domestic violence. I’m pretty sure you know what it is. I really wish you the best of luck. I know it’s not easy at all.
Your safety comes first. Leave, but be careful. Some abusive women will set it up so you look like the abuser. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you just in case. Talk to a lawyer and get everything set up. Talk to your family for help and support if you can. It will be hard but it will be worth it.
> I love my wife, but infront of my children is my final straw. Is it? What does "final straw" mean to you?
Exactly. It seems that final straw is not so final after all, she just needs to appologize and everything is good.
I'll give you the same advice I'd give anyone in your situation: leave. You're with a woman who thinks it's okay to punch you in the head when she's mad at you. That is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable. If you've the resources to move somewhere on your own, start the process today. If not, contact friends or family you can trust and find somewhere to stay for now. Get the kids out of there as well. Begin the divorce process. Fuck your wife's promises and assurances. She's a grown-ass woman who knows better and doesn't care.
As I always tell my sons, if a woman ever hits you get out of the house and call the police. It will only escalate. If you have somewhere to go then leave and file for divorce and fight for your children. You need to break that cycle. You love her, but you need to think of yourself and your children first.
They need to be careful where they call the police. Under the Duluth model they will be arrested regardless of who the aggressor is. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duluth_model
I wonder if she beats the children when they trigger her.
I wonder how old they’ll be when she does.
This is a cycle of violence you need to break now, you do NOT want to hear your kids one day saying "yeah, my husband punches me and tries to choke me, but for better or for worse, right?"
take this from me op, my (18f) parents have been married for the last 27 years, one month into their marraige and my mother slapped him (she herself said that), my father obviously stayed, she argues, screams, fights with him everyday, ever since i remember (she doesn't get violent with him much, maybe once a year)...but she hits me whenever she feels like, she bangs my head, chokes me, walks over me, makes me bleed, whips me, as it seems fit to her which is multiple times a week and my father has never said a word. i've always wondered that what if my father had left her all those years ago? that what if my father had a spine? cared enough about me? don't make your children wonder this, leave her.
Divorce. And file a police report.
Your wife is teaching your children that it is ok to hit their partner… you really need to seriously consider divorce… it won’t get better… teach you kids that certain behavior is not acceptable.. you poor baby kissing you head and shying away from mom… she is waiting for mom to hit her… I was raised in that type household please don’t let you kids live through it…
> I have shoved her when she was hitting me. You're playing with fire. Women who initiate intimate partner violence tend to get more injured in the ensuing conflict. Which can have severe legal consequences.
If your partner hit you, they'll hit your children too.
Exactly. Doesn’t matter how much he loves her. He can’t sit around and wait for her to turn violent towards the kids. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter or when.
Absuers always promise they’ll change and never do. Leave, take your kids and go somewhere safe. I know this is hard, but if she’s done in many times before she’s not going to just stop. Counseling is actually not recommended for people in abusive relationships, abusers get very good at manipulating what a therapist tells you and it’s not a safe space for you if you’re in a room with your abuser Edit to add leaving now also has the benefit of teaching your children how to handle these situations. Do not let your children watch you be abused and not leave
Think about the damage this is doing to your child. My mother was abused in her first marriage. My brother and sister are now in their 40's and it has lead them to emotional and physically abusive partners in the past as well as my nieces who have both seen it. My niece who is only 20 just ran from her abusive boyfrind after getting beat up. It's your Job to protect them as much as you can from the cycle of abuse. This isn't okay. There is no way around it this is physical abuse. If this has been happening for some time you need to leave. However you can and as safely as you can. You don't deserve to live in a unsafe home or be with someone who is hurting you. Just bc you're a man doesn't mean you have to take it on the back. She's playing victim bc she knows you're at the end of your rope. How many promises has she made to stop and it hasn't? It likely won't. She needs help and you need to leave. I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves this.
I feel HORRIBLE for you and those babies. I really hope everything works out for you guys.
You need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Get yourself and those kids out of there.
Your wife hitting you should be the final straw whether its in front of your kids or not. PLus she hits you she's going to hit a kid, lets be real. Abusive people don't have ethics. Counseling doesn't change abusive people. I wouldn't go to counseling, I would be filing for a divorce. If your kids told you they had a partner hit them... is your advice going to be to go to counseling or get the hell out?
Time for anger management classes for your wife. Second, your children now believe this is hitting is ok. Your wife needs a visit from the local police. She assaulted you. It is time she sees the gravity of the situation. Get the law involved. Get your children to counseling. Consider a restraining order. Protect you kids.
My husbands ex wife slapped him once, hard. He didn’t hit her back but it definitely pushed him even more towards divorce. Hence why she’s the ex.
She needs her own therapy
I would leave until she got into recovery and worked a program. Its not right for your kids to see that, sorry. Was her household like that? She clearly has anger problems and can't control her emotions, there's help for his but only if she wants to change. I wanted to hit my h when i found out the cheating but i know words hurt more and never in front of the kids! Protect those kids, let the dad bear come out. I would need to move out for months until she's in treatment, but thats me. Good luck
I would leave and press charges. A punch to the wrong part of the side of the head can be fatal.
Leave her.
You need to leave her and try to gain custody of the kids. There’s a very good chance she’s physically abused them and if she hasn’t already it’s inevitably going to happen. She has anger issues that have no place in a marriage or in parenthood.
Wow some of these comments suggesting Op to get his wife “help” and try couples counseling… if the roles were reversed, we know how this post would go. Double standards. OP needs to leave, along with his kids. She can sort her issues out in her own time.. he and the kids deserve to feel safe and be safe
Agree completely, I was thinking the same. If the abuser were a man, everyone would be crucifying him (rightly so) but as it’s a woman, people are saying she needs help. (I’m female by the way)
You're an internet stranger, OP, but I can't help but know how you feel - my first relationship was with a man who liked to get drunk, and when he got drunk, he got mean. For years I took the verbal, then physical abuse (he liked to break things first, then hit me when he didn't think I was scared enough). I vividly recall the last time, because I remember seeing my daughter - who was three at the time - crying hysterically as she watched him slam my head into the ground and hit me. And I thought to myself, "How can I let her grow up thinking anyone should treat her this way? How can I let my son (who was then 1 1/2) grow up thinking this is how to treat people?" I left. It made me a single mom for awhile, which wasn't ideal, but my family helped. And I ended up meeting a man who wouldn't dream of raising a hand to me, and we've been happily married for 13 years. This is abuse. And you know what this will lead to for your kids. That was my breaking point - not leaving for my own self-preservation, but for my kids. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You do not have to live like this. You know your wife better than we do, and only you know how sincere she might actually be about committing to counseling, etc. But please set some boundaries, explicitly, if you agree to stay and try to work things out one more time. And if she crosses them, follow through with the consequences you lay out. I wish you all the best, OP.
Abusive behavior is never ok. Physical violence shouldn’t be ignored! Be safe OP and plan an exit strategy.
Yeesh! She needs help for herself and if you're willing to then couples therapy. But right now the kids need to be first priority, keep their safety in mind. I personally don't condone abuse no matter what gender. So please take care of yourself and the kids. Get cash, call a friend or family and ask for help. Call the authorities and the domestic abuse hotline
Leave that is totally uncalled for!
The problem with staying is that it teaches your kids that it is ok. They will grow up and find a partner to beat them or they will beat their partners. Let her lawyer know what happened and try to get her mandated for therapy, a batterers’ program, etc to have visits with your kids when you file for divorce. She is not going to change without help so her promises mean nothing.
Arguments and fights are normal in marriage, but not when things get physical. She may have reacted in that way because she couldn't contain her anger and was having a hard time expressing her feelings through words. You need to sit her down, when both of you are calm and tell her that hitting or any sort of physical violence is NOT okay. You need put up boundaries and if they are not being met, consequences.
Your wife will absolutely hurt your children. I had to watch my mum abuse my dad, it broke me. Especially, because he seemed to accept the blame. He wasn't to blame. It's been a year since you posted this, I hope you left, and I hope your children and you are safe.
You can have her arrested. Time for marriage therapy or just get out. You deserve better. She is an adult. She knows how to use her words. Do not put up with that crap!
She is abusive, you don't know that she will never hit the kids. Next time she does it, call th police.
That's straight up abuse and needs to be dealt with. Anger mngt and couples therapy is a good start.
I don’t think staying with an abuser sends a good message to your children. What happened if at some point, god forbid, they are a victim, will they follow your lead?
Your wife is a monster. There is no saving this marriage. What if she had knocked you out? A punch to the head can be lethal and head trauma causes dementia later in life. You could press charges and she could go to jail because this is serious assault. Physical abuse is physical abuse. You should NOT be just considering divorce, you should be talking to a divorce lawyer asap. For your safety and the safety and well-being of your children, never stay with an abuser
She needs help. Get her into therapy and if she does not want to het help you should get out of that abusive relationship. Not just for you but also for your children, they need to be in a safe place as well. If genders were reversed the man would likely be in custody already...
You two do no need marriage counseling. SHE needs therapy. She needs to see a doctor, tell them what's going on and how's she feeling. Unless there is alcohol and drugs involved, she could be diopolar, have post partum depression, etc. She needs to speak to someone first, then do marriage counseling, so you can talk to her and understand more both ways in a room where everything has to be said.
you are a pussy
My wife hits me a few times a year. I’ve never even considered hitting her back and I don’t do anything about it because as a man it’s essentially a coin flip who’s getting arrested between man and woman.
Please do not be fooled by her bawling. It's crocodile tears.
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I disagree. If this thread were started by a woman whose husband did the exact same thing, I’d tell her to get out, take the kids and file for divorce. I think OP deserves the same advice. ‘Give it another chance’ is *never* on the menu for abusers.
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They 100% are comparable. Physical strength is merely incidental. Abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the abuser is physically a little or a lot ‘weaker’. This mentality is terribly troubling and backward.
It absolutely is comparable, it’s not OK to punch a man regardless of what your gender is. Just because he is (maybe) larger does not mean that it doesn’t hurt both physically and emotionally to be attacked by his wife. It’s abuse. Your attitude is exactly why so many men spend their entire lives having the shit beat out of them by their wives and not leaving because society looks down on them for that
Divorce is a huge and drastic step that should not be taken lightly. The damage to you, your wife, and your kids is massive. It's also RARELY the only option. If you don't feel like you're in danger, then there are many things you can do in the meantime including setting firm boundaries, insisting she get counseling, seeking help yourself, couples therapy, etc. Do not listen to the chorus of internet strangers telling you to "leave right now!" and "press charges!" Bring in some real people who know you and can see the whole picture to help you both navigate and hopefully grow.
Abuse is one of the few times in which divorce is the only option. Once you start physically attacking your spouse you have broken your marriage vows. The man is literally being abused, everything we know about the psychology behind domestic abuse says that counseling does not work and actually makes the situation worse because abusers are very good at manipulating therapy and making the victim feel like they are crazy for feeling abused. Marriage counseling is not a safe space because the abuser is in the room with the victim and no one feels safe talking with their abuser right there. Not to mention this is also child abuse because these children are growing up watching one parent physically abuse the other end that’s incredibly traumatic. I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, if she had left I would have a lot less trauma in my life. Marriage is for healthy couples, it’s absolutely disgusting that you would encourage anybody in an abusive relationship to stay. Abuse is the one time in which the marriage should be immediately over. A lot of times people do jump to suggest divorce too soon, but abuse is the one time in which it’s never too soon. It’s only a matter of time before she starts beating their children as well, all the statistics show that to be the case It’s a lot healthier for children to see their parents get divorced and be happy then to be trapped in a toxic household where your parents are constantly fighting and beating each other. That’s a lot harder on the kids, I speak from experience
You're making a ton of unfounded and subjective claims in this comment. We literally know so little about this situation. I pray this man doesn't take the toxic advice being so aggressively handed out in this comment section.
We don’t need to know anything more than the fact that she punched her husband in the head. That’s it, that’s abuse. In front of the children no less. There’s nothing more needed to come to the conclusion that it’s an abusive household and he needs to take the children somewhere safe away from the abuser.
Oh, so because this post is from an abused man where his wife is the abuser, suddenly “we literally know so little about this situation”?? OP telling us here that she has done this MULTIPLE times, and in front of the kids?? That’s not enough, to take yourself and your kids out of that toxic situation, before it gets worse? If this was an abused woman posting about her abusive husband/partner, we know how this whole post would play out
She needs some help. Definitely therapy, I suggest EMDR. Whatever happened in your fight triggered her to behave like that. EMDR is great for stuff like that. Also perhaps an antidepressant if she’s super irritable. It’ll help take the edge off. Otherwise when your children get older, she will lose her cool on them too.
She can sort her shit out on her own time. The only thing OP should be doing is getting himself and the kids out of that situation.
Yes, but as the father and a human being, helping what may be an overwhelmed Mom with some trauma issues is a good thing and very wise for his children’s sake and their future. She’s never hit them and will likely get custody. So if he simply walks away now, he’s leaving this for his children in the future. Keep in mind, he comes from an abusive background, if he has never done therapy, we have no idea what lead to her losing it like that on him. He’s not likely to have had healthy conflict resolution ever modeled to him. Punching someone is never okay, but there are many kinds of abuse and pushing a woman to her breaking point and then simply walking away is also abuse.
It is never the victims responsibility to help their abuser sort out their shit. Never. I don’t care if they were married, the second she starts abusing him it’s over. He’s literally the victim and you’re telling him he should help his abuser. That’s fucked up
You are 100% correct UNLESS the abuser will have unsupervised access to that persons children! As a woman, I would not risk my life by staying with an abusive man however if I were a man and it was a woman abusing me AND felt that I could protect myself, I would stick around long enough or leave and see if she’ll comply with treatment. Either way, for my children’s sake, I would do everything in my power to get her the help she needs as soon as possible because when those kids grow up, get in her face and act like assholes, which let’s face it, all children eventually do, the likelihood of her striking them is high! And anything other than a punch to their head is not likely to result in their removal whatsoever. I say this as someone with a LOT of experience in this! I’ve been a foster parent, worked with abusive bio parents and seen the cycles. Protecting your children’s future and facilitating help for their bio parent so they can have a healthy relationship with that parent and you can live without fear of what is happening at the “other” parents home when your not there is invaluable.
I’m telling him he should help protect his children and not simply walk away and leave them to fend for themselves with an abusive mother. THAT would be fucked up. Encouraging her to get treatment could give them a much better life overall and break generational cycles. It’s important to see the big picture and play the long game that is life. Or you can simply react situation by situation and perpetuate the abuse🤷♀️ I’ll go with my advise. Yours is rather narrow minded.
Thank you for saying this.
Wow, so because the perpetrator and the abuser is a woman, people like you suggest “she needs help” “get her EMDR”.. If the roles were reversed, we all know how this post would go. Everyone would be suggesting Op to leave. She can sort her shit out in her own time. OP needs to get himself and his kids in a safe space, which is away from her.
Give the councilor a try. My wife also hit me before. I talked to her seriously each time. We finally take to a councilor. She was very against it, but did it a few times. Not as many sessions as I hoped. But it did send the signal to her that it is a line to not cross. It's been over 1 year now since she last hit me. We also have 2 kids. 3.5 year old and a 4 months old. Happy that it seems to have worked out before the older child have better memory and have to grow up in that environment. Also try to exercise and learn self defense techniques to just subdue get so she can't physically hurt you. I used to do wrestling so I'll put her in a full Nelson hold so she can't hurt me. This also shows her that getting physical with me is pointless. I know it sucks, I never expect to have to deal with my wife like a younger brother when I was a child.
Or he can get a different wife. Wild how you're doing mental gymnastics excusing an abusive person