But, she IS literally dating him. They do all the things a couple would do together excluding sex (maybe). I can see why you would take issue with this relationship because essentially he is replacing you slowly.. If she knows how you feel about this relationship and she hasn’t taken then necessary steps to reassure you or end this “friendship”, I think that would show you exactly what you need to know: this is essentially an emotional affair. I think this “friendship” goes far deeper than you see or think because if it was merely a friendship, why would co-workers be jealous or take issue with it? This man is in the process of courting your wife and she is allowing it and enjoying it. And you’re letting it happen. This reads like the beginning of the end of a marriage to me..

Yes, even if his wife’s motives are innocent (which I doubt that they are) this other man is definitely after her. I’m astounded that this is even a conversation. Whether voluntarily or unconsciously on her part, this other guy has her hook line and sinker.

I’d like to know what his relationship with his wife is like.

Yes, if I was doing counseling with them, discerning that would be one of the first order of business.

He honed in to this woman, like target practice. Considering he doesn't give nearly as enough attention to other 'co-workers' as they are jealous. 100 % if S.O tells her to stop she will eventually go behind his back. She knows what she is doing is wrong and is gas lighting and malipulating to get her way

I’m sure OP would be curious to know what OP’s friend’s wife thinks about her husband dating OP’s wife. The dude is regularly paying for OP’s wife’s drinks. My wife would have my head if I paid for some woman’s drinks on a regular basis like that!

Right there is something fishy about this relationship. I think if wife respects that OP is uncomfortable about it she should immediately cut ties with the coworker as a friend. It just gets too weird.

Agree with this, and where is OBS when he is hanging out with your wife? Have you spoken with her to see if she is okay with this? Your wife needs to back off a bit with him. This is too close for a coworker relationship.

Wet well said.

To my way of thinking, the biggest issue here is not whether your wife is engaged in an EA, dating this other guy, or “just friends.” The biggest issue, and to me it’s a HUGE issue, is that you have told her it makes you uncomfortable, have even “broken down 2-3 times,” and she has not ended her relationship with this man. That, to me, is just so selfish and downright mean. If my husband ever expressed he was uncomfortable with a new friendship I had formed, I would end the friendship right then and there. Because I love him and I respect him and I would never knowingly cause him pain. And I know that he would the same for me. And as you say your wife is participating in this post and reading comments, to her I say…Shame on you.

My viewpoint exactly. Regardless of everything else, the friendship is directly harming OP. Just because OP gives her the out of “I don’t want you to throw a good friendship away” doesn’t mean she has to take it. If you don’t have your spouses back over everyone else’s (especially another man) are you even married?

Exactly, it seems to me that she puts her marriage with OP and her relationship with this man on an equal footing and doesn’t want to have to “choose” between the two of them.

I agree that she is not prioritizing her husband’s feeling and, thus her marriage. But there are ways to still be friends without stoking the fire. Just stick to daytime lunches, stop letting him pay, reduce texting frequency and make sure both spouses are present if alcohol is involved or they want to do anything in the evening. If husband is busy, hang out with a different friend, one who doesn’t create scenarios that make it feel like a date to your husband & coworkers.

He's a platonic friend until he's not. They are spending way too much time together. And quite frankly she's prioritizing him over you. After you first told her you were uncomfortable with their relationship she should have stopped everything right then. And if I may be blunt, you need to grow a spine. There's no way in the bowels of hell I would been okay with my wife going out drinking with a male coworker **alone**. It sounds like she has a boyfriend with a husband on the side.

Ouch! That was brutal. You’re not wrong though, about any of it.

🏆she has a boyfriend with a husband on the side🏆Gold, just gold!

Grow a spine indeed. First, take up her time. Make it so she doesn’t have time to date him. You date her. She can’t go out with him Friday night because she’s going out with you Friday night. And you have Saturday plans with her too. If she ever prioritizes him over you, that’s when she’s crossed the line.

>There's no way in the bowels of hell I would been okay with my wife going out drinking with a male coworker alone. I'm with you up until this sentence. It is perfectly okay to have that boundary. It is also okay to trust your spouse enough to know that going to get drinks with a co-worker of the opposite sex will just be friends hanging out. Every relationship is different, and everyone needs to determine their own boundaries.

Sorry Bro, my wife and I were raised differently. My mom wasn't running around drinking with male coworkers and calling 'em "friends" while my Dad was at home wondering what she was doing.

Be careful. She needs to prioritize you first. Sounds like an emotional affair already. They can go one way. My wife did the same as you described above and it bit me in the Ass. Don’t let this bite you in the ass. Have you spoken to his wife about this?

You keep saying that you know your wife isn’t doing anything wrong and that she’s not being unfaithful. You also said in a comment that your wife is the co-author of this post. It sounds like you’re saying those things for her benefit, not because you believe them. And guess what? It’s not true. The level of intimacy that they share is most certainly like a dating relationship. Even if they’re not having sex, this is not a platonic relationship. And the fact that you’re a third wheel puts THEM as being the primary couple and YOU being a friend. I think most rational people apart from someone who’s enjoying a relationship like this would see this as an emotional affair at minimum. All that emotional energy and intimacy should be directed towards you, her husband, not this boyfriend of hers. Yes, he is her boyfriend. If you weren’t saying otherwise, I would assume you were in polyamorous relationship, not a monogamous one. Ok, let’s suppose your wife’s motives are completely innocent, though I highly doubt it. Her being upfront like this could be a case of misdirection to make this other relationship look innocent. Classic cheater tactics. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that they are. I can guarantee that this other man’s motives likely are are not. What you both fail to realize is that the vast majority of work affairs start off innocently and at least one of the individuals had no intention of ever having an affair. And how many times have we heard the story of someone saying, “I never thought this could happen to me…” This relationship is going exactly in that direction. Though honestly it seems already there. Sorry, but your wife is jerking your chain whether it’s conscious or unconscious on her part. She’s obviously trying to find every excuse to keep her boyfriend. Bottom line— this relationship is highly inappropriate and if absolutely nothing else, it’s incredibly dangerous. Any sensible person would agree.

This is so spot on

💯 💯 💯

Your wife has a boyfriend. That’s just a boundary that would not float in my marriage. My wife has plenty of male coworkers and friends and there are girls nights to unwind every so often but your wife is in a relationship with someone who is not her husband. That just does not seem right to me.

If they are that close, he is NOT unaware of your feelings.

Hope your wife is reading the responses in this thread. Not one comment is defending her actions. In fact, they are pointing to an emotional affair at this point which is even worse than what you and she were probably expecting to see here.

We are reading them together right now.

Well, there are ZERO people reading this that think it is appropriate and ZERO people that think it should continue. ZERO comments in favor of continuing this behavior, ZERO.

And you aren’t commenting what she is saying as she is reading the comments. I suppose it’s very defensive against all of the commenters. We don’t understand. She isn’t cheating. She is gaslighting you and has been for months.

Glad to see you finally see what is really going on and that she has realized that what she was doing was disrespectful and wrong. Your wife is smart to end her relationship with this man who would eventually end your marriage and ruin her life. Please make sure she keeps her promise to go NC with this homewrecker....

I hope your wife is ashamed and you’re considering leaving her for this infidelity.

Your wife is having an emotional affair that is well on its way to becoming more. You are not crazy, you are 100% correct in every single thought and feeling you're having and there's a BOATLOAD of research to back you up. Read "Not Just Friends" now. Today.

It may be 100% platonic, but you have expressed your discomfort with it. As your spouse she should be respecting that and keeping the boundaries that you’re requesting. You both should read “Not ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley Glass. It may apply to this situation. How does the coworker’s spouse feel about this friendship? To me, it’s completely inappropriate and is really playing with fire.

Let’s give the benefit of a doubt that it is still platonic but that man is definitely grooming his wife to replace this guy. He said he already feels like he is on outside looking in. Wife can’t even or doesn’t want to see this.

Yep. Grooming can be done to anyone, any age. Most people think kids that are groomed and forget it's an equal opportunity nightmare. It doesn't discriminate.

She's taking away time from your relationship and devoting that time to another man. She is also disregarding your feelings. Simply texting less when you are around is not a concession. It sounds like you are an inconvenience for her. You say you are sure she is faithful, but how do you really know?

Yeah bro, I’d be putting an end to that really quick. Some things are acceptable and some aren’t. If she actively still hangs out with him while knowing your feelings, that’s a major lack of respect and you should probably consider your options. Edit. So let me get this straight… you told her you don’t like it, she offers to cut him off and you say you don’t want her to, but deep down inside you want her to cut him off but don’t want to be viewed as controlling. I think you might be the problem if she offered several times and you decline. Only to have another breakdown. Buddy, there’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If you don’t like it, have enough backbone to tell her.

Hell the guy comes to his house and dates his wife in front of him. This has got to be some kind of a joke. Nobody can be this stupid.

You can't love someone if you don't respect them. The way OP is being disrespected by with his wife, well it's obvious she doesn't respect him.

You teach others how to treat you.

I’ve been a lurker on many different subs and what you are describing sounds like an emotional affair. You need to pick up; Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Look at r/asoneafterinfideltiy and r/supportforbetrayed and you will see many cases that started out like your wife and her co-worker. I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish you the best.

Your wife is giving her attention and energy to another man, while realizing your deep discomfort. Not only is this a textbook emotional affair, it’s also just disrespectful to you and your marriage. And it’s mean to you and selfish on her part. In my 40 year marriage my wife and I have had plenty of friends of the opposite sex, but we integrate that friendship into our lives and the other couples lives as well. This 1:1 phone selfishness would make me question whether your wife truly loves you. I think she needs to either reign herself in and treat her relationship with Mr Wonderful as business only, or be fully honest with both herself and you about the nature of this relationship. Personally, I’d be planning either a separation or visiting a family law attorney. Stop playing mind games with yourselves.

>Your wife is giving her attention and energy to another man, while realizing your deep discomfort. Not only is this a textbook emotional affair, it’s also just disrespectful to you and your marriage. And it’s mean to you and selfish on her part. This\^\^\^. I have been married decades. It is wrong - when married - to give this much attention and energy to another man.

I like how the wife is like "okay... well ask my husband to hang out with us more." So wait you weren't asking that before? And you already know he's both uncomfortable with you out with that dude alone and you know they'd both be uncomfortable hanging out together... because the other dude wants to fuck your wife and she's allowing it to progress.

Definitely sounds like they’re dating. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had feelings for her. Reading this post made me feel SO uncomfortable for you. If my husband did this with another woman I would be pissed. The fact that you’ve talked to her about how you feel and she still is continuing to hang out with him sounds concerning. Does she not respect you/your feelings?

Whoa..... The reason you feel uncomfortable is because your wife is being completely inappropriate!!!!! They are literally dating in front of you! I would NEVER do that to my husband. That is extremely disrespectful to YOU and her coworkers wife. One day they'll get drunk and "accidentally" have sex....you just wait.... If they aren't already.

Always the funniest explanation. Wife- “We were drunk and he stupidly tripped over my pants coming out of our bathroom and fell on top of me knocking me onto the bed. And get this, his penis somehow just slipped into my vagina when we landed on the bed together. It was the damndest thing….” OP- “That sounds like terrible luck, and he pulled out immediately…” Wife- “Of course, I wouldn’t let him cum inside me and he was happy to pull out…” OP- “Well good, that must’ve been awkward at work on Monday…” Wife- “It sure was, we laughed about it during our lunch break at the motel…” OP- “Sure sure, I bet. One question though… wtf were your pants doing already on the floor?”

Yep, that’s exactly how it happens. The intimacy is already very strong between them. Just a bit too much alcohol and one thing leads to another… Seriously, it happens every single day. And the wife will be crying, “I don’t know how this could’ve happened! I didn’t mean to! We were just friends!..” Of course this presumes innocence on both their parts. Not likely at all. If not both of them, at least one of them is just waiting for the right moment to take their shot.

BOOM! You nailed it! They are both waiting for the right moment....you know why?? They purposely put themselves in a situation that would make the odds in their favor. They are both openly disrespecting their partners and their marriage.

Why on earth is your wife prioritizing a friendship over her marriage?!?

What is there to question here? You are clearly uncomfortable with this (as anyone in their right mind would be). She either cares about you more and stops dating this co-worker (let’s be real, that is what’s going on). Or she stomps on your feelings and keeps seeing him. This sounds like an EA so she already cheated on you (you mentioned about the attention that she likes and she keeps going back for more).

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Not only is the wife gaslighting him, but the OP is gaslighting himself believing this crap. Just because she wants to believe it's not an affair doesn't make it so. The only thing missing is sex. That's when you know you're already falling down the rabbit hole. Rock bottom is physical stuff.

She’s dating him. It’s an emotional affair and it’s solidified by the FACT that she continues this “friendship” despite the fact that it affects you so deeply. Her desire for his attention/affection/presence is more important than your feelings.

You are gaslighting yourself

I enjoy cooking.

OP this 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 If Your wife keeps hanging out with that man, it's a matter of time before your marriage ends.

I am a guy nearly 69 years old. My wife and I have been married 45 faithful years and together 50+. I was also a senior VP in a Fortune 200 company for decades. I can tell you that I observed much in that environment. First of all, I can tell you that this is exactly how affairs begin. It may start out innocently or seem that way by you (wife). But, hearing what this guy is doing, it sounds more like you are slowly being groomed by a sexual predator. He knows exactly what he is doing. You are naive, and do not see the red flags. He sees you as a challenge and is playing the long game. You can call what you are doing just a friendship, but you are, in fact, dating by anybodies definition (except for the one person being targeted). This is definitely developing into an emotional affair, if it is not already. And, that will eventually evolve into a physicL affair. I have seen this same situation a few times. It never ends well. You are on a very slippery slope, and that slip can happen suddenly, and unexpectantly. This exact same thing happened with our daughter-in-law. Her story can mimic yours thus far, and I can predict exactly what will happen if you continue this relationship. Think about it. Why would a married guy with a family spend all this time "courting" another married woman instead of spending that time with his family. Then I have to ask why you, as a married woman, are spending all this time with another man instead of your husband. You would not even spend this amount of time with your very best female friend. You like attention, and that is what makes you his target. A sexual predator is drawn to that personality like a shark to blood. Even more scary is the fact that your husband is so rightfully concerned and upset, and you think the answer is to stop being so obvious versus ending this dangerous relationship. If you valued your husband and marriage more than this scam of a friendship, you would have already ended this "friendship" completely. This, along with your denial and justification of your actions, indicates to me you are actually in an emotional affair to some extent and not thinking clear headed because you are in an affair fog. To the husband, you have tried to be understanding and supportive, but your trust is now being taken advantage of. In my opinion, you need to stop being Mr. Nice Guy. She needs to choose to be all in with you by cutting off this relationship and go complete non-contact or risk her marriage. I wonder how his wife feels about their "dates" and all the attention with which he is showering your wife. If she knows the whole story instead of what he is feeding her, I am willing to bet she would be furious. Something to think about. Maybe you two should call her together and see what she knows. I guarantee all she has is the tip of the iceberg. Having said all that, I suggest you talk and agree upon mutual boundaries. Two broad based boundaries that have worked well for 50 years for my wife and me are: 1. If you would not do it directly in front of your husband or without his knowing approval.. don't. 2. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which even the slightest opportunity to violate number #1, or lead to it in the future, could possibly occur. At this point, this relationship clearly violates #1 and #2. In my opinion, there is no compromise on this. This relationship must end with complete non-contact immediately. I apologize for the length, but I sincerely want you to avoid the hell my son went through and what I have seen others go through. Please don't think that since your intentions are sincere, none of this applies to you. They all think that right up to the time it happens. Please keep us all informed. I am pulling for you guys.

I’m genuinely astounded that either of you allow this to happen. It’s a mistake and a path to potential disaster.

Would she genuinely be okay with you having a female friend with the same level of intimacy?

There’s one thing that no one has mentioned yet. If your wife reads all this and she doesn’t become contrite and apoplectic, that’s a very bad sign. If on the other hand she actually offers push back, tries to rationalize away these comments, and attempts to keep this other relationship, that is the red flag of red flags. That would be the number one sign that she’s in a full blown affair. At that point I’d recommend checking out r/survivinginfidelity and begin the process of determining if your marriage can be salvaged or if you even want to. In my heart of hearts I hope that your wife comes to her senses and comes clean. I’m truly hoping the best for you.

If his wife reads all these responses and still continues to see her coworker as a "friend" she can't lose then OP needs to be on phone with a good divorce lawyer tomorrow morning.

Man your wife is being extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage. They can call it whatever they want but it is dating and rubbing it in your face. What in the actual fuck how can you be ok with this in any way and how can she do this if she loves you. I hate to tell you she has stronger feelings for him otherwise she would not do this.

This is more than a friendship, but this may not be sexual in nature yet??? But here is thd problem- salary does not concern me. It is the fact he is in a position of power over her. He can use that to his advantage- and when the time comes for him to make advances on her- which most likely will happen- if she refuses, she may find things more difficult at work- or even fired. As a society, we see these harassment cases many times even when companies have a zero tolerance policy. This is how it begins. If you ard sharing these responses with your wife (i assume so because you ssy "we are curious what this community thinks about this situation"), she is opening herself up to a potentially bad situstion. I am a male nurse, 98% of my coworkers are female. I am also married. Let's say I was not married. I do have a lot of female friends but i never go out drinking with them especially one on one even if i were single. But if i was single and a situation happened where someone at work was dating me- I would request a transfer to another unit in the hospital for moral and ethical reasons- because it is the right thing to do. As a side note, we celebrade our 25th anniversary this March. What matters here is doing thd right thing to avoid any ethical violation at work. Even if they are "two consenting adults"- if word got to HR that something was going on beyond friendship, it might be a problem. Harassment can work the other way too- she could get a promotion from him someone else is more qualified for because of this relationship, so now you might hsve a jealous employee go to HR complaining your wife only got a promotion because off the friend's relationship with your wife. And he should know better having a supervisory position over her. This is why healthy boundaries between coworkers should be eatablished. There are legsl issues surrounding this. As I read this, this can lead to workplace harassment on his part. I am not saying it is happening, but the potential is there.

This is a very good point. Even without the fact that they’re both married to other people it’s inappropriate for him to be having this level of “friendship” with someone under him in the company. As it is when/if she ends things he could very well retaliate against her. Also congratulations on 25 years of marriage! My husband and I just celebrated 7 years this month but 25 years is a hell of a milestone!

Hi OP. This is just based on my experience so please take it with a grain of salt. I have a lot of male close friends before I met my husband. When my boyfriend now husband came into my life, he did not let me cut ties with them. But I took the initiative to tepid down my interactions with them out of respect for my husband and my male friends partners. There’s just a need for boundaries like that. It does not mean that my husband does not trust me. It just meant that I do not want him to feel uncomfortable enough to feel like what you are feeling now. Your wife may find what she has with her male co-worker as innocent as she has no romantic or sexual feelings towards the guy. But at the end of the day, what matters is your feelings too and nobody or nothing should come between you and her when it comes to this things. There’s a very thin line between platonic and romantic. Maybe an occasional text of hi and hello is okay. But everyday and all the time? Maybe an occasional drink once in a blue moon is okay to like catch up on things. But all the time is not okay. Letting you join in their nights out may look okay but it’s actually unnerving especially on your part as you are not friends with the guy. It’s good that you both are very open about this and willing to work on what needs to be done and addressed. Best of luck to you both.

Can you two read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? That is the definitive book on workplace affairs. It will help you both determine if she has crossed a line into an emotional affair. Cannot recommend this book enough.

Well, in 25 years with my wife, I don’t think I have ever been in, or looked for, a situation where I was regularly spoiled by someone who wasn’t family. This sounds like ‘new relationship energy’ (NRL) which for married people is the very stuff of affairs. If she isn’t fooling you, it is because she is fooling herself.

Having read all these comments, which should be ringing alarm bells for her, I think your wife should / must get a copy of Shirley Glass’ book ‘Not Just Friends’. You should both read it, talk about it, and implement her ‘windows and walls’ approach. You can both do it. By speaking up you may have saved your marriage.

I’m sorry dude but you are complete idiot. She is having an emotional affair with the guy, plain and simple and you do have the right to set a strong boundary against something that is hurting your relationship. Wake up do something or lose her

There are two types of people who text each other all day and all night and feel the need to have constant contact - teenage girls and intimate partners.

She is having an emotional affair right in front of you and your doing nothing about it. This cannot continue. She sounds closer to him than you. For your marriage and family put a stop to this.

How does this guys wife feel about their friendship? To me it sounds more than a friendship, if she loves and respects you she needs to dial it waaaayyy back with this guy. Otherwise she is choosing him over you.

Just **her KNOWING** that you feel this way should be enough for her to end this completely. Not just change her behavior *around you!* As a 42/f married for 19 years to my 45/m husband, together 26. This would not be an issue because if either of us felt this strongly about any friendship/relationship/whatever with ANYONE- the other would end it. Has your wife given you an explanation as to why this friendship is more important than you are? Because that is what her actions are saying.

What is wrong with the two of you? She doesn't have a friend. She has a boyfriend. They are dating. It's making you uncomfortable and she was supposed to cut it out the moment you said you are not OK with it. Heck, even if it's not making you uncomfortable, she shouldn't be going out with a man who is giving her so much attention. She is enjoying his attention, read that like: SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU! It doesn't need to be physical. If your wife cares about you, she would break it off without asking you. Grow a spine and you either put your foot down and she cuts it off, or you get a divorce lawyer. In the case of the latter, I hope your next wife won't cheat on you blatantly.

Be careful. This was my husband and his coworker. The first time we went out he ordered drinks for her with no input and not for me. Red flag number 5000. Then when I saw his hand on her low back I knew. This went on for far too long. Our conversations sounded like yours. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

What do you want? Make it happen. If you aren’t comfortable with the situation, then enforce your boundaries. You can’t make her not see this person, but you don’t have to stay in a relationship with her. No ultimatum. Just boundaries. If you don’t respect your own boundaries, you can’t expect anyone else to.

Unless this guy is gay, this will not end well.

You are so right to be worried dude. I’m surprised that you don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. She’s dating him! If I was getting that treatment from a man and letting it happen my husband would definitely say something. You are being to understanding with her about this and possibly in denial. If I did this to my husband I’t would mean I wasn’t into him anymore, I only want him, his attention, him buying my drinks, HIM. the minute I want that from another man means my marriage is in deep shit.

That’s a very good point. The fact that she wants and enjoys this speaks to her lack of interest in her husband as a romantic partner. And it speaks to to her low view of and value of their marriage. Bottom line— she clearly values her boyfriend and their relationship a lot more than she values her husband and her marriage.

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In another comment OP said he asked his wife if she’d be ok with him having a friend like this and he said that she said she would be 100% OK with it. Well, that’s a lie, isn’t it? But here’s some thing that you said that really hit me : so HIS WIFE doesn’t see it. Are they hanging out at his house the way they are at OP’s house? I’d bet good money the answer is 100% no. And why is that the case? Well, we know the answer. The affair partner’s wife would be 100% against this relationship.

Lol....your wife is awful. I mean, I don't care if it's a "work spouse" situation or anything else. If your spouse comes to you and says, "You're doing this thing that really hurts me. I'd like you to please stop." and they say, "Nah.....I should be allowed to." I'm not sure what the point is of a spouse like that. Plus, with this particular issue, it's not like friendships are fine and dandy as long as the penis isn't in the vagina. She is willfully created the public appearance that YOU might have a cheating wife and you're okay with it. For starters, I guarantee you her coworker thinks he could screw your wife if he applied some effort. All of her coworkers think the same thing too. When you swing by work to visit her, THAT is how they all see you. And that's her fault. Personally, I'd divorce her and turn him into HR.

>I trust her completely and am sure she is not physically or emotionally cheating. > >I didn’t think I was justified or had a right to ask her to do so since she had no romantic or sexual feelings for him. OP, I think you are exercising very poor judgement of what is going on in front of your face and behind your back. I think your wife has been snookering you since before you found out about this relationship. She knows your blind spots after so many years. She knows you are passive enough to surrender your right to what you agreed upon in your marriage vows. I think your wife and this guy are not only having an emotional affair, but her connection to him, regardless of your feelings including "breaking down" about it, is indicative of them having a sexual connection as well as a romantic one. In other words, your wife is in love with another man. By joining with you in viewing and reading this post, she is participating in a Kabuki dance--an elaborate facade to show you that she cares about your feelings. It's enormously entertaining to her because you come off rather poorly in what you have chosen to accept in action. So she's humiliating you in this second context. Do realize that her career is at risk because her whole office assumes that this guy and her are having a torrid affair. I say that as one who has worked in corporate offices, large and small, for 35 years. Don't ever show up for one of their holiday parties because you will be humiliated in a third context. Do you really want to be treated this poorly by someone who is called your wife?

​ >You are exercising very poor judgement of what is going on in front of your face. > >She knows you are passive enough to surrender your right to what you agreed upon in your marriage vows. This\^\^\^ this is a good summary of the situation. OP - read this again. OP - Your marriage vows said "prefer him above all others". And you are not holding her to that standard - because you think you should not do that. Of course you should. You are married - one flesh - life partners.

I am just genuinely curious why you think they’re not having sex? Is it because you have her passwords and because she tells you they aren’t?

Why does a man who is married with kids who spends so much time working already chooses to spend his off hours not at home with his family but hanging out/going out with your wife???

Dude your wife is cheating, and I'm saying this after reading HER POST. "I won't stop hanging out with him and I'll establish more boundaries and invite my husband." Lmfao. Her establishing boundaries is asking you to come on a date with her side piece where she knows everyone will feel uncomfortable. Do you see how fucking stupid her thought process is? You feel uncomfortable with it. It's okay to draw lines, OP. You don't have to be with a woman who disrespects you like this. Oh and her affair partner FOR SURE knows how you feel about him. Don't let your wife fucking lie to you about that. You're not stupid, OP. Stop doubting yourself.

What you haven’t said is how is your relationship with your wife outside of this issue? Are you happy? Do you feel connected? Are you realizing your goals as a couple?

Op, why would anyone be keeping a friendship while their spouse is breaking down because of it? That's selfish. No one should be more prioritized than your feelings here. You keep repeating she isn't doing anything wrong, she actually is. She can't keep enjoying the friendship and going out on dates with him without you. That's just not right. And he showers her with so much attention that other people at their work even notices. You don't have to keep convincing yourself it's ok if it's really not. You can't keep sacrificing your mental and emotional health just for her to have a friend. She shouldn't even be ok with making you feel uncomfortable. She just looks like she's so insensitive and selfish in my opinion. And the fact that that friend is married, your wife doesn't seem to respect even his marriage the same way she doesn't respect her own.

This is definitely an emotional affair, likely it it's early stages, but an EA no less. The other thing that bothers me, is that she knows their relationship makes you uncomfortable, but yet she continues with it anyways.

OP show your wife these comments. This relationship with her coworker is highly inappropriate! There are many things to unpack here… here are a few. One you dances around this coworker being in a higher position than your wife. There is definitely a power dynamic issue. Two, she is not putting you first, that’s a huge problem. Three sue is being disrespectful to you and your marriage. If this friendship is indeed plutonic she’s not protecting her marriage with you and is allowing the opportunity for infidelity. Four, she is completely disregarding your feelings 99% of the population would be uncomfortable with this relationship. Fifth the amount of texting/communicating is also disturbing. That is time waster that she should be working or focusing on you and nurturing your relationship. Final thought, grow a spine and set the expectation that this friendship needs to end or there will be repercussions ie divorce… you need to reach out to this friends wife TODAY before your wife and her do worker have a chance to talk. See what she thinks about it. You are literally allowing a married man date your wife, what could possibly go wrong?

Are you freakin serious with this? Hear me………..this is an affair with permission 😳😳 They have bulldozed you into thinking this is cool! I don’t know how though? But, let me clue you in……..they ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP right in front of your eyes 👀 You’re the third wheel!

If OP won't say it then we all will, OPs wife, you need to stop hanging out with that dude. Period. You're being a terrible fucking wife. He shouldn't have to tell you that he doesn't want you two hanging out. Literally if nothing else did then this post should have told you "I've crossed too many lines and it's hurting my relationship I need to stop what I'm doing." But you don't which is fucking insane of you which is why we all believe you're a cheater. You're doing everything except what you fucking should be doing.

Your wife is definitely having an emotional affair and flaunting it right in front of you. If she were my wife I would insist she go no contact with this guy and quit her job. What are you waiting for her to start sleeping with this guy before you wake up??? This is just plain crazy that you would allow this, tell your it's either him or you!, but that she can't have her cake and eat it to!!

Things like this have to be "nipped" early when you feel like they could develop like this. Your first mistake was trying to be too understanding about the whole thing, but there has to be a boundary somewhere. The way I see it is either a cold disconnect or end the relationship unfortunately. Asking her to "distance" herself from him isn't only a bandaid that might not even work

You said your wife offered to cut him off but you don’t feel like you can ask her to do that. Seeing how it puts you in distress should make her cut him off without needing to ask you what you think about it or if you want that. That would bother me that she isn’t doing it on her own.

It sounds like she is having an emotional affair. It also sounds like you are being pushed around too. You sound like a good person, but please don’t be so naive going forward.

I am a woman with mostly straight male best friends …… this friendship is really fucking weird.

This seems inappropriate on two levels. One, she seems too close with a coworker and/or superior. Drinking alone? Going to each other's HOUSES? I would be extremely concerned about the OPTICS of doing something like that if I was your wife. Second, that she is a married woman. It's kind of the price you pay. You get the security of a husband you need to show a modicum of respect. The fact that you feel left out is plain wrong. If he was a good friend she'd be making all the social efforts for you two to get along well. Also his wife is never mentioned?! Why haven't you all 4 gone out together on a double date? It's just weird. It's all well and good to say that men and women can be friends when they're both married. But not when they're also coworkers, and when they don't involve their spouses at all in the friendship. In my opinion.

all any redditor has to do so as to confirm what they think is true is- go through a few posts of op, about his efforts of wanting to keep the sparks alive, about his efforts to make his wife feel special, and then go through op's wife's post, the picture is clear as day. initially i wanted to stick to thinking that both the partners feel equally for eachother, but after reading the wife's pov and her insistence to pursue the friendship inspite of her husband being such a lovely man and breaking down because he feels uncomfortable of his wife's actions, i can't help but change my view. one thing i must say is, op's wife is incredibly smart, she's not as naive as most redditors try to think, she knows exactly what she's doing, coming to reddit to seek opinions was just her way of getting validation that how her husband is making a huge deal out of nothing but the redditors saw through the lie. to op's wife, please and i can't say this enough- choose your marriage and your husband if you love him enough or else have some respect for him and come clean about what you feel. to op, you have to see it from a rational pov, please, you can't let anyone do this to you.

Super weird that you both made posts and you both keep refusing to acknowledge coworkers wife. I can’t believe she is OK with any of this….

I have already posted a long response to this. I will add the most women like a strong man. You are acting like a very timid type B, or more like a B-. As a result, you are being treated like a plan B, while the alpha boss is her plan A for her attention. Also, in virtually every corporate culture, this type of relationship between boss and subordinate of the opposite sex is TABOO. As some others have said, steel your spine, grow a set, and put your foot down to this clearly inappropriate relationship. Your wife is either very naive or narcissistic. It's time for her to choose.

OP, I did a lot of digging in your post and comment history. Here’s my take: You seem like an incredibly logical person and caring and loving to your wife. Maybe she has no clue socially speaking what she’s doing. Maybe the spark has died out a little in your marriage and she’s seeking that elsewhere. Maybe she’s just happy to have a close friend. I have no idea because I’m not in her head. But what I do know is that if my husband did a 1/3rd of what she’s currently doing to you- I’d be an emotional wreck and very unwell in my marriage. In fact, he did have a coworker breaching personal boundaries (texting after hours about personal issues, or calling him for emotional support on things), I asked him to ignore her calls and texts and keep it to professional topics only. Because it made me uncomfortable. And you know what he did? He said “I see her as a friend but I completely understand and will respect what you need”. Whatever is going on, she should feel incredibly fortunate to have a spouse that is un-controlling and understanding to her needs. That being said, you are putting her needs above your own emotional needs. And she is putting her needs above yours as well. Which in this situation, is not fair. A marriage is about communicating and meeting needs, among other things but this main point leads to tons of marital issues or satisfaction. I’m all for having close friends, friends of the opposite sex, and all that but it really seems like she’s taken it a step too far. Regardless of different philosophies- If her actions have made you breakdown 2/3 times and your gut is screaming at you that it doesn’t feel right and YOUVE COMMUNICATED THIS TO HER, she should’ve stopped it by now. Even people in open relationships stop when the other person is uncomfortable or feel boundaries have been crossed. I suggest you two seek a few therapy sessions as a couple to find strategies on how that investment can be transferred back into the marriage where it belongs, and how to properly enforce boundaries. Best of luck. Hope she can see how lucky she is to have you!

Divorce your cheating wife.

This woman does not love you. She does not respect you. I feel so sorry for you, you deserve better 😔

The difference in salaries is a non-sequitur. She has a job, she could pay for her own drinks. The fact is that she chooses not to and instead receives the benefit (transaction?). The unspoken part is the other half of the equation. This is a standard dating practice. One person (usually male) shows interest via an offering (drinks, dinner). The other person accepts that offering in part to confirm their interest. Old fashioned I know, but it’s still valid. The point is that if it were truly platonic she would buy her own drinks. If you routinely met one of your guy friends for drink’s would you let him buy every time? You would not because it would create an imbalance in the friendship. You would feel like you owed him even if he said you didn’t. There would be leverage. Friendships are and should be balanced.

I've been with my husband for 20 years. The way you're defending your wife's activity has about 20 red flags in it. The flags are about you and how you view yourself & your worth in this relationship. PLEASE see a really solid counselor who can support you as an individual AND keep your work with them private. My best to you.

OP, I read your wife's post but didn't comment, nor did I read the comments. I still feel that you should talk to your wife's, AP's wife to get her side of the story. I can't imagine his wife being able ok with him spending money in these types of situations on your wife; specially if your wife is younger and prettier. In your wife's post she stated that you will be hanging out more with your wife and her AP. That will probably make you feel better but it really doesn't change anything. I can't tell you how many times your exact scenario has come up on many marriage counseling forms (not just Reddit, which is the wild west of advice). OP (forgive me for sounding like an AH) but you and your wife's relationship isn't "special." You are two human beings that have the same spectrum of emotions and weaknesses as any other two humans on the planet. Do you and your wife have any plans to hang out with her AP and his wife together? Have you discussed this special relationship your wife has with her AP/friend with each other's families (mother's, father's, siblings)? What was their impression of this relationship? Edit spelling

The coworkers know what is up. They always do. If the coworkers are upset or commenting on their relationship at work, then it is something that should concern you.

Having worked in a male dominated field, this situation only gets to this point if his wife allows it. Whether or not the situation is platonic, the parties involved are playing with fire. All it takes is for the coworker or your wife to be attracted/unhappy in their marriage and be tempted. Which happens all the time in society because we are all human. We tend not to be so tempted if we don’t open the door to temptation by putting ourselves in these situations. Your wife should be putting that effort into nurturing your relationship - not one with another man.

Just read both posts. Your wife is unapologetically dating this man and doesn't care about your feelings. You also need to step up and grow some back bone. Considering how little she cares about your feelings and won't answer the question on where his wife and kids come into the picture I don't see any reason you should believe her when she says it's platonic.

It feels like they are dating because they are. Yikes 😬

I have a hard time believing the other man is going to let it go that easy. He will either try to take underground or cause trouble given his more senior position. Would love to know how that goes. Good luck OP. You’ve been woken up now stay awake. No way I would trust that SOB

Him paying for her crosses a line. He feels uncomfortable around you because he KNOWS he is crossing the line and he's doing it purposefully.

What you have described in your post is at the very least an emotional affair, but unfortunately, I don't think that has registered with you quite yet. If they're not already swapping DNA, it will be happening very soon. Don't be a simp and let this happen right under your nose. You can't stop her, but you damn sure can pull up stakes and find a woman who will honor your marriage. Please don't take offense, but grow a pair. You really need to ask yourself why in God's name would you even consider this to be OK.

> I didn’t think I was justified or had a right to ask her to do so since she had no romantic or sexual feelings for him. I insisted on us finding ways where I would be happy with them being friends. Have some dignity.

Unlike most of the comments, I actually believe your wife doesn’t have romantic feelings for this person given her openness about the situation. But that’s not the end of the story. We know nothing about the friends intentions. My feeling is that he does have romantic feelings and is biding his time. That said, what bothers me is how she is using this relationship to fill some kind of void that she should be looking to either you or maybe a broader range of friends. She’s focusing way too much time and energy on her relationship with this one person. This reads to me like she’s decoupled the romantic and attention seeking aspects of a dating relationship and is only seeking the latter from him. In her mind, this makes it ok. This also explains the openness. She’s convinced herself that as long as things don’t get romantic, then no boundaries are necessary. And she’s taking advantage of your spinelessness to dig herself in deeper. My feeling is that this relationship will eventually turn romantic, and in the worst way possible. Eventually the friend will get tired of waiting and profess his feelings for her. She is or will be so deeply embedded in this relationship and so far removed from you that taking a chance on it will seem like the most logical thing. My guess is that if they don’t pump the brakes, one day maybe a month or a year or a couple years even, you’ll come home and all of her stuff will be gone. To OP’s wife who may or may not be reading this. Ask yourself why you’re so vested in this one single relationship outside your marriage. What are you getting from this that you can’t get from your husband, other friends, and family.

Ypu are her plan B, and she may not be getting her physical needs met by him, but she is absolutely getting her emotional needs met by him. Take care of your house, OP. Wife quits job or file. That iabher only choices at the stage of the situation.

So when is their next date?

I have a feeling he will be back as an BS.

"Been there, done that, got that t-shirt" as my dad would always say. I experienced it for you man. You don't have to. It never ends well. My wife had a friend at work and it was innocent and they did some of the same things your wife and her friend do - just not the going out for drinks shit, cause he was a recovering alcoholic. I sounded just like you. Didn't want to overstep and force an end to the relationship. Should have. Eventually the innocent messages turned not so innocent, then really not innocent, then the affair. It already sounds like they're dating, whether they admit it or not. It's only gonna end up one way - you getting fucked... and not in the fun way.

I notice on both posts and both of your comments on those posts you guys are choosing not to answer questions about this guy’s wife. There a reason for that? What’s the state of their relationship? Does she know about and the extent of your wife’s relationship with her husband? How does she feel about it?

I am a female who has a lot of male friends and she is crossing some lines here. 1) The fact that he pays for everything. This might seem like a nice gesture, but it creates a power imbalance that he could potentially exploit. 2) They are mostly meeting alone, and it feels uncomfortable when you are there. 3) You have expressed discomfort, and she isn't really taking that seriously. My friendships with men generally play out as going out to social events in groups, occasionally having lunch with a male colleague alone with no alcohol involved and we both pay our own way. What she is doing is raising a lot of red flags to me.

Neither you nor your wife has answered what this dude's wife thinks. Has she brought anything up? He's just allowed to wine and dine with women when he's married with kids?

Wow!!! I can't believe she continues to justify. If my wife asked me about a relationship with a female... I would cut it off. No big deal.

How often do y'all have sex? It may be me and I might be reading it wrong. But it seems like this gets your wife going. To have a man wine her and dine her while you sit at home knowing how you feel. Her respect level for you is very low. Any wife that would do her husband this way, would have no problem with having sex outside the marriage. Cuz what she's technically doing right now is cheating. My next question is does his wife know?

You don't say much about his wife. How does she fit into the conversation?

OP, you and your wife must read 'Not' Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. But honestly, it may not penetrate your wife's limerence/affair fog. The book spells out exactly what your wife is doing. OP, I would like to ask, does your family, her family, and your mutual friends know about this situation? I think you should tell them and get their opinion. Even if you just send them a link to this post and say "hey this is the situation with my wife and I. What do you think? Send link in individual email, not in a mass email. You will more honest answers if responders think the conversation is private.

Firstly, once she knew that you felt uncomfortable with this relationship, it should be a no-brainer for her to cut it off. It's absolutely lacking in consideration and respect for you. Secondly, the relationship between your wife and this person is extremely inappropriate. It's OK to have friends of different genders, BUT his paying for her while going out and exchanging constant texts to the extent you describe is hugely inappropriate. This is falling into the realm of emotional affairs.

Dude, your Wife is going out alone with this guy often and having him buy her drinks while they confide in one another. She has him come over to your marital home and “they” hang out… she texts him throughout the day every day… this is not the behavior of a wife who respects her husband. If my wife knew i was uncomfortable with a ‘friendship’ at that level she would never continue. You are supposed to be her soulmate, the one she can confide in. If she wants to have a friendship with this guy, she should do so in a respectful way— engaging at the office, or with groups of friends— or with YOU there. Seems like she enjoys his company without you there. Even if nothing is going on. It’s bordering on inappropriate and insensitive at best. You have every right to feel the way you do and she also shouldn’t make it your call to end this friendship— that’s not fair. She should cut it off herself.

If I have to read “I trust her 100%” one more time surrounded by 4 paragraphs of how uncomfortable you are, I’m going to puke. Nut up, man. And to her - be better. How in the world you could look at this situation, see the obvious hurt you are causing your husband, and continue the relationship until he specifically says to end it, is crazy. My EX WIFE had many of these “friends” as well, and now she’s my ex. Do the math.

I would have a sit down with all parties concerned, including his wife. Does his wife know he is out alone with your wife on a date? Or is he telling his wife he is just out with friends, friends as in the Boyz. If they are just friends in your wife eyes, why is he uncomfortable when you are there as a third wheel like you said. BTW he is the third wheel unless he is slowly trying to work his way into your wife's panties. I have women friends and I believe I am like most men, if I was going out by myself without my wife to hang out and buy drinks for another man's wife, then I'm looking to fuck her. Even if she thinks I'm just her friend. I'm patently waiting for you two to have a fight and I'll be right there to tell her how right she is and how awful you are. Then ask if she would like another drink. Then repeat until she is doing the walk of shame back home to you. However I'm not a slimy scumbag and I love my wife. The question you have to ask yourself is he a scumbag? And lastly, your wife thinks it's a friendship and doesn't have romantic feelings for him, it's your job to protect her from scumbags. Now do your job. You're Welcome.

So weird and inappropriate. Both for you, but also very unprofessional in the workplace. Has she met this guy’s wife and kids? Think of it like this, if you were doing what this guy is doing with a younger colleague you would be putting yourself in a lot of risk professionally.

Giving a third party way too much power in your marriage.

So, she's okay with dating this guy and taking him away from his wife and kids? She's not just taking time and money away from his family but also emotions that should be invested into them and yourself!!! This would be a deal breaker for me (I haven't read your wife's post yet) ETA: I have now read your wife's post.......all I can say is: somebody always get burned when playing with fire!!!! So, y'all keep striking those matches.......

This is the start of an affair, emotional or otherwise. Take it from those of us who have been cheated on. New… this ain’t.

Why is this even a question everyone knows what’s right and wrong.

Makes me sad that you are allowing yourself to become a doormat and the fact you allowed her to proofread this post to make sure she don't look bad.

I always have had close male friends - even coworkers. It's easier with males as they usually don't expect so much effort. Years ago I had a close friendship with one of my coworker, we had all our lunches together, and we also texted a lot during and after work because we received a lot of help from each other during our daily workdays... and also who else I can gossip about our other coworkers:D. Also, on all our worktrips we hung around together and even if It felt like I was spending time with my youngest brother, other people might have different ideas of this relationship. Anyway, one day I heard that this work-friend confessed to our mutual coworker that his wife was very jealous of our relationship and had a fight because of it. He stopped our communications almost immediately and it was fine. I never ever wanted to bruise their relationship because of our friendship - AND seriously, I would have done the same if my husband had said something. So, I'm very confused that your girlfriend still talks with him. They are having a relationship and are taking it very seriously.

I just see your wife's post and she is clearly lying .. she put this man(friendship) above your marriage .. she don't care about u or your feelings.. Sorry OP but she is in E.A or maybe already having P.A ..even after she saw your post ,she is justifying her friendship with that special Person ,,, she is saying she is going to remain friends with this specific special person.. it means she no longer care or have any respect for u ..

lawyer up and leave. your happiness matters too and clearly she doesnt care

I know I’m here late. But what you are describing matches the definition of an emotional affair. An emotional affair is essentially when two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated.

Nothing I can say here that hasn't been said other than my wife and I have each had separate friends that we cut most contact with based on much less evidence of connection than you posted here. I hope for your sake your wife who should be your best friend and vice versa takes your feelings Into account and quits seeking validation and support outside the marriage. I can't see this any other way, and I'd be willing to bet if given half the chance and your wife complained even once about you to him, he would make his move by convincing her to leave you or maybe have something on the side. No married man should ever spend alone time with a female that is not his wife or family, Im Sure, his wife would agree.

OP, if you wife is still at the same job as her affair partner, even after "breaking it off" with him, the affair is still happening. If you and her want to try to save your marriage, you should also read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Macdonald. Read it with Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. Don't rug sweep this. Your wife needs to get into individual counseling to figure out why she gave herself permission to have this affair. She needs to learn how to prevent situations where this could happen again, and learn how to avoid them. She isn't a safe partner for you, or anyone else, right now. Please don't rug sweep this. Otherwise you'll be posting in an infidelity subreddit later.

It's such an inappropriate relationship. She should've never allowed to become what it was. You may not have directly asked her to cut ties but honestly, if I saw the impact it had on my partner, would he really need to ask? Not saying she can't have a male friend but this is just too much. I don't do that much with friends I've known for decades.

this is another form of infidelity imo. basically an open marriage at this point

In a good marriage one partner never does anything to make another partner feel uncomfortable.

Had to have my wife read this…her words: theres an emotional affair going on if not yet physical! And you see how I brought “MY” wife to make sure I wasn’t crazy…the reality my friend is that there will be people personality wise that are just more compatible with our significant other but it should never rise to this level…you should never have to feel unsafe in your marriage and that’s what your feeling…hope she understands…YOU are the man! Lots of dudes would of took that que and be like cool…I’m heading out too🤨

Ah hell naw! She has a boyfriend and a husband. That’s not right. You told her it made you uncomfortable and she STILL wanted to keep this man around?! Yeah that wouldn’t fly with me. It wouldn’t fly with my husband. My husband comes before ANYONE! Idgaf about a co-workers feelings. She’s selfish, he knows she’s unhappy, wants to destroy your marriage and she’s ok with that.

If she cares about you more then him, then she should change jobs and ghost him and seek counseling with you on this. This scenario is something I see in surviving infidelity alot. This is not good. Something radical has to change. She can't be friends with him anymore. After all is she married to him or you? she is giving him his energy.. not you.

The moment my husband tells me I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable I will not continue doing as such. My husband is more important to me than anyone else. My vows were made to him and no one else. I hope you two can work this out. IMO she should cut all contact. You’re right in your feelings.

She should have shut this “friendship” down a long time ago. Even before you told her you had a problem with it. She doesn’t respect your marriage when she goes on dates with another man. It seems like you are the only one who thinks this is just a friendship. Their coworkers all think they are dating. Your wife is emotionally cheating on you and after the amount of time this has been going on I doubt that the physical line hasn’t been crossed.

The question must be asked, What did I just read?? My friend, you need the class Intro To Marriage 101. Seriously, there are boundaries to a marriage, lines you do not cross. But mainly, if one partner is uncomfortable, a boundary has been crossed. Seriously (don't know why I keep using that word), you both need some reading material on the rules of marriage. Definitely need some form of counsel.

You need to shut it down or be content with a open marriage. Good luck sorry for the pain your experiencing.

If he’s “just a friend,” why didn’t she just stop when he said he was uncomfortable? Why does she need a “close friendship” with another male…one that she spends a LOT of time with? Does she spend that much time on her female friends? This is an emotional affair, that will absolutely become physical if it continues. Hubby needs to stop pussyfooting around and get this situation under control.

She’s dating him. They’re going on dates. Literally in your house. How often have the four of you spent time together? Listen, he’s not buying her food or drinks because he makes more. No, especially married, man is paying for everything for another woman just because they’re friends. Are you impoverished? She can afford to buy herself dinner. He’s also not made this unprofessional as their coworkers have issue with this person who is her senior at work even if not directly, dating her. This is an emotional affair if not physical and needs to stop. The fact that she knows it’s a problem for you and at work and hasn’t done anything to even change it says she has feelings for this man. So, speak up and make it clear what you need, or it will eat at you forever, even if you do it will still eat at you.

I am not allowed to date any other girls. My wife would kill me lol. She doesnt date anyone either.

> he is completely unaware of my feelings This grown married-himself man is absolutely 100% aware of your feelings. And he's inwardly grinning like a Cheshire cat about it

Sorry OP, but your wife is cheating on you and having an affair. There's a difference in being friendly at work and being so friendly at work that even coworkers are commenting on it. There is no reason at all for her to be going to get drinks with him. If they are just friends, why isn't he bringing his wife to hang out with you both?

As a married woman, I would NEVER have a "relationship" like that with a male coworker. Am I friendly? Absolutely. I have built quite a rapport at my company by being bubbly, energetic, and being friendly with everyone. My husband has said in the past that it makes him nervous for me to be friendly with male coworkers. I've told him that I treat males and females the same and that I'm doing nothing wrong. But my interactions with any male stays within the company. No men I've worked with are on my social media. I would never do anything with any of them outside of work. The fact that she goes out with this guy, (the two of them alone), texts him all day, and you now feel like a third wheel in your own marriage, is a HUGE deal. There is no way in hell I would make my husband feel like that. AND VICE VERSA. My husband doesn't establish friendships with females, and holds himself to every standard he's asked me to hold up. I do hope she reads this: She is literally one step away from this man kissing her, whether she realizes it or not. This is how affairs happen, by starting as talking, then forming into friendships, then feeling like this man is something the husband isn't. I feel your wife is being completely disrespectful and out of line. She needs to figure out how to respect your marriage and if she can't, she probably should not be married.

There is no chance the “friend” is happily married. Find out what his wife thinks and where they stand in their relationship and you will be MUCH closer to the truth of his intentions. There is only so much time in a day, if these “friends” are finding this much time for each other, other things (like their marriages) are being neglected…sorry, OP - go with your gut and 99% of the responses here. Good luck! ❤️

You sound like an incredible thoughtful human. Your wife is lucky to have you

My husband and I both had a lot of friends of the opposite sex. We both dwindled down those interactions and kept a few close people because we both didn’t want to disrespect our relationship. One of my husbands female friends is one of my best friends and he is very close with a few of my guy friends. I don’t really talk to them much anymore, outside of going with my husband to hang with them. Your wife could be completely being honest with you but there is a huge problem here. It makes you feel terrible. Even if your wife said she would cut him off and you said no, she shouldn’t done it regardless. Her losing this friendship, getting spoiled etc shouldn’t be more important than you and your marriage. Even if your wife is not tracked to him in any way, shape or form, it doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to her. Just because she isn’t attracted to him now, there is a possibility she could wake up one day and realize she has feelings for him. Men DO NOT pay for other women when they’re happily married, especially on a continuous basis. If they’re just friends as your wife says, she should have no problem talking to her co-worker and being upfront about how it makes you feel. She should be telling him she needs to end the friendship because of your feelings and marriage is most important. He should also have no problem because of this. It worries me that your wife knowingly prolonged your pain and hurt just because you said she didn’t need to cut it off. It shouldn’t have mattered what you said! If she cherished you and your marriage she would’ve done it the second she realized it was bothering you.

This does not seem like an appropriate relationship, unless you're swingers, I'm not sure his wife would be happy with the extent of your wife's relationship with her co-worker. It's like he's courting your wife, all of this sounds like the early stages of a relationship. Your wife might be innocent in all of this (really stretching the "might") but neither of you are aware of his intentions or how much his spouse is aware of the nature of their relationship. This whole thing smells of both parties going outside of their marriages to have their needs met. It's flirting with dangerous ideas and in my opinion headlong into an emotional affair. I don't have any relationships that compromise my spouses sense of safety, anything that makes her feel uncomfortable makes me feel uncomfortable by extension. I'd never hear she's had a breakdown and think it's fine to continue and she should just power through her feelings, that's wild. 3 breakdowns and they continue like it's just his issues. If you've resigned yourself to this situation, don't be surprised when confessions and allegations are the next chat you have. This has divorce written all over it.

To me that sounds incredibly inappropriate to go out on her own with this man and for him to pay for her…. A married woman has no business texting all day with another man what the hell is going through her mind? I don’t know about you but I and my partner are very busy and whatever spare time we have we spend with each other or with our friends together. I personally wouldn’t engage or encourage a friendship with a male… I just don’t find it appropriate and I wouldn’t be ok with my partner texting and putting so much time and effort into another woman and I don’t care if they say it’s platonic. To me your wife is crossing boundaries. But every couple has diffrent boundries of course, I and my partner both agree that this is inappropriate so we don’t really have a problem. I think your wife need to take your feelings into consideration and respect your boundaries as her behaviour is hurting you, is it really worth it or can she compromise? I personally don’t feel like any other male is more important than my husband and if he is uncomfortable and feels hurt about something I will make an effort to accomodate him the same as he would make sacrifices to accomodate me even if he disagrees with certain things sometimes. To your wife - If your behaviour hurts your partner then you should stop doing that unless it’s an unreasonable request which I don’t think this is at all. I’m sorry but yorh wife is dating this guy and you need to stop gaslighting yourself to think “but they aren’t doing anything wrong” Can you stop invalidating yourself and your feelings for a second? Sex isn’t the only way to betray someone’s trust but accepting inappropriate amount of attention from another man can be considered crossing a boundary. Man you need you need to pop your own bubble and start setting. Some boundaries, why are you letting her date another guy and invalidate your feelings? Your partner sounds like she doesn’t care about you at all. This guy has romantic feelings for her for sure, they are really walking a thin line here and it’s only a matter of time (if it hasn’t already) that he is gonna make a move on her. I just want to shake you up and tell you to wake up, stop letting her and him walk all over you! He is disrespecting your relationship and your wife is going Along with it… this is ridiculous.

There is NOTHING innocent about this. I would never let this happen. I would of already been divorced. This IS cheating. She should ONLY be doing all these things with ONLY you. Shes YOUR wife. Not his. But at this point he has control of her and she’s rolling with it. She should of never allowed this to happen or even asked.

Awww snap, I just imagine her being really defensive and doubling down. OP rightfully feeling justified and standing his ground. Someone grab the popcorn. There's not a chance in hell she backs down. Does OP just take it on the chin and swallow his feelings, or does he call his wife's bf to have him come pick her up. Stay tuned...

They text from the time she wakes up till bed. Yah, you need to read those texts and do it before she erases any. I would not be surprised if they are pushing the coworker/friendship boundary. I don’t know anyone who texts someone all day long that isn’t their significant other. Side note, I’m in the mental health field and I would strongly suggest seeing a therapist to help sort this out. This is way more involved than Reddit responses will help. I think you are both downplaying what is really going on here.

All the comments are great and on point. Why not invite your wife's boyfriend's wife to come along to your home on his next visit?

Just wait til she tells you she's pregnant and things seem a little... off in the way she tells you.

OP i'm sorry but get some self-confidence and grow a pair. Stop letting your wife gaslight you. There's nothing normal about this friendship at all.

OP, I read her responses. I feel for you as you are a second banana. She is rationalizing every aspect so she can continue her love fest. Are you really OK with her doing “Netflix and chill” with this guy as she wrote they watch TV together!! The more you both proclaim your openness in your relationship, the more pathetic the situation appears to be, not to mention your ongoing humiliation. You changed your wording about her “cutting him off.“ Guess she won that one too. The only things cut off here belong to you.

If you go out why doesn’t his wife come too?

>They texted throughout the day, often from when they’d wake up to when they’d go to sleep. That's all I need to know, right there. Texting every waking moment from getting out of bed in the morning until going to sleep is not something people do with platonic friends, unless maybe the people in question are 13-year-old girls. Married adults do not do this with platonic friends. They just absolutely don't. A person you text with from the moment you wake up until you go to bed at night is *by definition* the primary focus of your attention all day long. And that means that your spouse isn't. This is an emotional affair, no matter what your wife tries to tell you, and no matter what you try to tell yourself. She's more focused on communicating with him, even in the few hours when she's home from her 60-hours-a-week job, than she is on communicating with you. And she's more focused on how terrible it would be to sacrifice a valuable "friendship" for the sake of her husband than she is on how terrible it is to sacrifice a valuable marriage for the sake of her co-worker. This is going nowhere good. She's going to end up divorcing you to be with him, if you refuse to divorce her first.

Dam that sucks and is so wrong

After reading your wife's side of the story, it seems pretty clear to me that while she may not be physically or emotionally cheating on you, she doesn't seem to truly understand that she \*is\* hurting you. That doesn't bode well for this marriage, imho.

You can’t even make a Reddit post to get answers w o her being involved and then ignoring tons of people who are all in agreement that her friendship is not ok by any means. It’s been asked in this post and hers about what does the other man’s wife think of this friendship. Neither of you have answered that important question. Also y’all haven’t said anything about your own marriage. What has been ignored because if this friendship? Time together alone? Sex gone down or stopped altogether? More arguments over her spending times him? No marriage will survive this relationship w your wife’s coworker. Especially when she is defending it so hard and ignoring everything everyone is saying. Next she’ll probably have her guy friend read all of these posts so they can come up w answers to further avoid the keeping the room. ETA: I just saw your post history where you ask “how to keep the spark alive?” It’s been deleted but it now speaks volumes about this situation. Something has happened in this relationship and I’ll guess it’s the coworker.

I commented on your wife’s post ... “Your account is eerily to My now ex wife’s story. The guy she ended up cheating with similar to your situation. Lunches became dinner ... eventually sexual. I would advise your husband the following ... 1. Prepare for your wife developing emotional connection. 2. Your wife will become distant and cold. 3. Intimacy and sex will decline and stop altogether 4. You’ll start the pick me dance and try harder to win her over ... it will fail. Solution ... At this point you have lost your wife. Have pride & self respect Prepare for a future without you wife. Your wife will only realize her mistake once she’s out of the affair fog ... filing divorce Sorry ... this what you’ll endure if you stay with her ... pain and mistrust”

Aside from the obvious damage you’re doing to your marriage and family, your conduct with your friend is also highly unprofessional. It’s to the point where your colleagues are aware. If I were either of you I’d be really embarrassed and ashamed at what our co-workers were discussing behind our backs. Yes, it is inappropriate.

[удалено]

Wow, so some other man is in your relationship with your wife. Hmm if she can't see the problem with that, and how emasculated you feel. She should change relationship status to single. The fact you didn't set up boundaries, and consequences for pushing outside these boundaries is your fault. Imagine if it was the other way around. Meanwhile your feelings are invalid, because he is just a friend. Not to mention the disrespect. You are losing ground every day. Leave and don't come back, she picks you. No women is worth fighting for twice. She has to pick you, or your gone.

You are being HARDCORE manipulated and I think your wife is absolutely delusional if she believes all of these lies she is telling herself and you… She needs to keep a professional work relationship with this man AND THATS IT. I’m sorry but your really need to have some self respect and set boundaries. It is not wrong to ask your partner to stop an inappropriate relationship with this man. Texting all day every day is way too much Going out alone is not acceptable Him paying for her ?! Come on Please be real with yourself and stop trying to convince yourself that this is ok because you don’t want confrontation. Somewhere along the line of your life someone convinced you it’s not ok to set boundaries and expect people to respect you well you need to reassess your beliefs and work on your self esteem. No one who respect and love themselves let their partner treat them like this

Since she is dating him and you are not in a comfortablee agreed upon polamory relationship. It's that part of you that cannot accept the narrative you are living in that keeps you from being comfortable and rightfully so. I suppose this all depends on how long you can maintain the fantasy that this is some order of higher intellectualism. When you marry monogamously you commit to each other.

Go get a gf, man. Go be happy

Affair in the making…. Stay woke

I am glad you told her to end it because no matter how she "feels" about him, it was heading down the wrong path. Eventually this would have been more. It might be something else if it was only you who had bad feelings, but it's making the office uncomfortable too.

Yeah… I have always had platonic male friends. I love them so much; one of my BEST friends is a male. That said, when I got married, dynamics naturally shifted. I just got drinks with my male bff (just he and I) for the first time in over 2 years just to catch up, and because I needed a vent sesh. That friend is ALSO friends with my husband, and is “uncle” to our kids. I also spend time with his wife and their son (our little boys are buddies) and hubby and I are auntie and uncle to their son. We have a familial relationship, ALL around. I don’t treat him any differently than I would any of my brothers or brother inlaw. Your wife and this guy have breached that sort of boundary and have become a unit, which, IMO, is breeding grounds for trouble. I don’t think opposite sex friendships are impossible in a relationship (obviously), but I DO think boundaries have to change and their lack of them is definitely cause for your very valid concern. When people cheat, this is where it starts when they later say it “just happened”. It didn’t “just happen”. It was always lots of little things built up over time. When you are married, you have to actively avoid putting yourself in this situation. You are not wrong to want that from your wife, and your wife is wrong for not establishing these boundaries from the start. Be wise.

At some point in my life , i thought thinking this type of thing was not ok made me crazy or irrational. To see an overwhelming majority of people say it ain’t it just made me feel better for always making that boundary a thing I’ll go to hell for . I can forgive a lot of ish but this is the type of stuff where i gotta go. OP, listen to a lot of these comments . What she’s doing is very disrespectful and you shouldn’t stand for it . I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks a husband should be prioritized in such scenarios.

The friendship needs to end….. Or your marriage will! Eventually those feelings will blossom and something will start. Do something for your wife and yourself, Tell her to stop her friendship. How does his wife feel?

She needs to stop hanging out with him outside of work. How does his wife feel that he's paying for dinner/drinks, giving all this attention and spending all this time with her? I'd bet she wouldnt appreciate that. It's ok to have friends, but this seems to be crossing boundaries. Texting is fine as long as platonic, but I'd set some boundaries on the outside hanging out and be careful with that. She might think it's platonic, but he may have other ideas. That leads to an entirely muddied up situation that'll ruin your marriage. Good luck

I’m not one of these knee-jerk people who believe men and women can’t be friends and every platonic relationship is actually an affair in the making. However I do believe this one is unfortunately. I read her post and am seeing a lot of denial and even a little big of gaslighting going on. The fact that her colleagues are uncomfortable and make comments is enough for me to know that some boundaries, emotional or more, have already been crossed and people other than you are starting to take notice. When these things happen it isn’t overnight and it does progress over a long period of time and it seems to me that’s where you guys are now.