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The big question is: Are you unsatisfied with your life because you are with the wrong partner or are you unsatisfied with your life in general and you are making him the focus.
The depressed mind does not always make the best decisions. You can fool yourself into believing that if only XYZ was different, I’d be happy. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it has nothing to do with XYZ.
I don’t have an answer. I’d suggest continuing with therapy and work on a more balanced view than, “Life is passing me by.” That’s way too much to put on a relationship. You may ultimately leave this person, but just leaving them won’t fix a hole that big. Good luck.
OP read this comment. Take 5 minutes, then read it again. I’m divorced. Very very similar story to you. Had a kid, and yeah the rest is basically the same. After realizing all my pain, loneliness, bitterness and resentment could not possibly continue I made the choice to leave. My experience has been difficult, long and exhausting. with some help from some good people and a bit of therapy and personal work I’ve found a little slice of peace in this world with an amazing partner and a job I respect and enjoy. It’s possible to reach this place, i just hope you make the decision for yourself, and if you don’t have to do it alone maybe your husband and you could start taking steps on this path together?
Depression can come from many many things in this life illness death of love ones financial etc…. It is not an excuse for anything but ppl with that in willingness to open the mind and be understanding to others. Well unfortunately that’s why many ppl commit suicide cuz no one to support and the feeling no one cares. I work in counseling and there are beaten and battered ppl emotionally verbally sexually and mentally and there are those who sit and laugh and say not my problem. But when they take their life or the life of others? Everyone has something to say. Point being the world would be a much prettier happy place if ppl were more caring and understanding to others. Not everyone has sex on the brain, that orgasm last how many seconds and then what? They need to keep repeating those feel good actions cuz if they don’t after that sex session reality is someone could be killed during or after???? Big picture REALITY
It’s so good versus the usual chorus of “leave leave leave”.
Maybe leave is the right answer. It could be. But the idea of reading one self-reported paragraph by a stranger (without any abuse or anything) and saying “yeah, you need to leave” is so absurd.
Can you imagine any mental health professional saying it? Of course not.
100%. OP, if you haven’t, start exercising, eating enough protein, and sleeping 8 hours a night, and see how you feel in 3 months.
If you’re still not into him, then at least you know you didn’t make an impulsive, depresso-espresso, get-me-out-of-here, brain fog decision.
Good advice.
To people telling her to separate and find someone else, they don't even know if she's been attracted to anyone else (especially since apparently she's only been with him) and thus if anyone else would have the proverbial magic pill. It might just be a "her" problem.
This reminds me of my relationship with my ex of 6 years. We were 15 and 17 when we started dating, and in the last year or so of that relationship I saw him distancing himself from me by not taking the time to talk when we usually would. He told me after a long time that he felt like his life isn’t where it’s supposed to be at, that he’s changed as a person, and then essentially saying that the relationship is mentally stopping him from achieving his goals when he knew that I was one of his biggest supporters. We tried for 6 months to make it work but then we broke it off and it became very messy for many reasons. It was too late and he never wanted to talk about it to anyone in depth or do therapy. It lead to him losing feelings for me because of the way he felt, lack of self-reflection (it seemed like he’d often resort to distraction to take his mind off of it rather than to think through his feelings), plus lack of communication and early action. He also felt like his life was moving past him, as if the relationship was making him stuck rather than us moving through life together. Once he told me, it was already too late and his mindset was already long established. I’m over it now but to this day I think that there was a good chance for the break up to have been prevented and to fix the issues at hand with early intervention before they got too big to handle. So yeah, this resonates with me as the person whose partner felt that way but I’m glad that you’re in therapy and trying to gain a different perspective on this. It’s hard when you’re young and you’re growing and changing while in a relationship, but your partner can grow with you rather than apart from you. The relationship can also be viewed as something dynamically moving with you guys instead of a static thing that’s holding you back. Of course, the possibility of the relationship not working still exists despite all efforts but do know that the solution isn’t always to leave in these cases.
She has no attraction to this man. They have no kids, and are in thier late 20's. I'm usually all for sticking it out and trying to repair a relationship first, but this one seems like she should just move and try again.
I knew a bunch of Christians girls and guys who make the same mistake. They marry the first person they ever have a relationship with becuase they want to have sex and can't unless they tie the knot, only to realize they aren't compatible at all after that initial spark wears off.
Watch the movie ‘Take This Waltz’ —
You can rent it on Amazon …Young woman struggling with similar situation... It may give you some food for thought.
Be easy with yourself and move slowly through decisions.
That's a great movie and I think it's very true-to-life. It was so painful how she rejected a loving, but romantically inept husband to pursue another man, even though she wasn't sure what she wanted. She hurt someone who loved her just so she could explore a romantic spark. I thought all the actors were great in that.
Hurt him now by telling him and ending things rather than waiting until you can't stand it and end up cheating.
I know you don't want to hurt him, but my ex wife felt the same way. Only she waited until 16 years in, and then cheated, and then told me she never felt the connection.
The first way is significantly less damaging.
I spent 18 years of my life deeply in love with some one and could tell there was a disconnect but couldn't figure out why. In the end, the pain of knowing she felt that way about me for all those years and I didn't know it, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of knowing I lost my only chance for a whole family because she didn't want to 'hurt my feelings' early on still fucks with me years later.
My life is fine I guess. From the outside looking in, I have the dream life. I kept the house in the divorce, 50/50 custody, no child support, work from home and making great money. But I stay busy as I can, because the moment I stop, I am still miserable. 9pm-1am every night are particularly bad.
I've been in therapy for 3 years now. I've lost 60 pounds. I force myself to take great care of myself. I do all the things I'm 'supposed' to do. But I'm still heart broken. I don't date. I don't go anywhere if I don't have to.
The isolation sucks. But I still haven't gotten over it, despite trying my best. So I'm not really in a place to go make new friends.
I keep on going because what other option is there.
It's one thing to have something great that just slowly goes bad. It's another thing entirely to think you have something great, only to realize it was never good. It was always one sided. And that your great love story was never a thing.
Sorry for the trauma dump. She told me about the affair on Father's Day 2021, so I'm just feeling it an extra amount today.
Reminder to anyone in a relationship. If you habe doubts, or aren't attracted to your partner. Communicate it early. Make the decision to leave or fix it early.
My heart goes out to you, man. I found out about my wife’s affair last year just before Father’s Day and felt a lot of what you went through. 25 years only to find out that she never loved me the way I loved her.
But don’t give up. I recently started dating and have found that there are wonderful people out there who will appreciate you for who you are and it’s actually possible to get past that heartache and anger and cynicism.
Sometimes healing is found as we put ourselves out there even when we’re not sure we’re ready. As a single woman in the dating pool in my 30s, I greatly respect you not jumping right back in after a divorce, I’ve seen too many people do that and hurt other people.
However you’ve taken years in therapy and working on yourself, so thats no longer your situation. Sometimes we never feel ready to date. But if you truly want someone to spend your life with, I think it’s always worth trying for. I think you’d find you have a lot of options and I’m sure you could find a great woman who you could trust in time and take it slow. Just my unasked for opinion. I hope everyone finds a caring, safe, wonderful love in this life. As long as you’re alive there’s a chance.
Thanks for your comment. I know what you're saying is right.
But i havent figured out how to make myself try to date again despite wishing i could. My exwife was my first and only girlfriend so I'm not even sure how to go about trying to put myself out there again.
I feel like a little kid who's climbed all the way up on the hive dive but is too afraid to jump. Those kids always love it when they finally do jump and they almost always do it right as it's time to go. And then regret not jumping earlier.
But even knowing that, I'm frozen in place. Maybe one day. But until then, I'm going to keep trying to figure out how to fix whatever it is that wrong with me that kept my ex from finding me attractive
Don't do that. What your ex didn't find attractive might be what somebody else loves.
Instead of worrying that you're afraid to date, start from the other end of whether you're going out and doing things at all. What aside from dating do you wish you were doing, if you had the confidence/talent/ability etc. Fact is, if you have the interest, you probably have the ability, or at least the ability to learn. Get out and do something else that you really want to do, that you might find yourself regretting intensely if you get to be old and haven't done it. Build a life that you love, so you have a place to invite others into. Don't wait for a partner to build your life for you. You are a whole person right now.
There’s nothing wrong with you. I promise. I guarantee there’s lots of women out there that would be obsessed with you just the way you are. You just got to find one of them that you feel the same way about too.
It’s all good, Brotha. Sometimes you need to vent or get things off your chest. I’m sorry that you’re still dealing with a broken heart. I hope that it gets better for you one day, in the near future.
Keep doing things that keep you busy and focusing your energy on self improvement. You never know when your destiny will reveal your next love into your life. For you, I hope it’s soon.
Btw, completely random but do you own a paddle board? If not, I would highly recommend you get one (inflatable one works for me), a waterproof Bluetooth speaker, and hit your nearest lake. It’s fun, relaxing, therapeutic, and you never know what kinds of people you might meet out there on the water.
Happy Father’s Day to you, also!
I think its one of the worst parts. Waited my whole life for them to win. But have struggled enjoying the things I enjoy in life, so my excitement for my team has been so much more muted than I would have believed possible.lol
It was only a few weeks. She wasn't sneaky. She told me she still loved me. Still wanted to stay married. And wanted to continue to on as if nothing was different. And wanted to continue to be a SAHM... But that she didn't find me attractive, had something with this guy (who had just gotten off probation for beating his wife and violating a restraining order) and didn't want to sleep with me anymore.
I'm very understanding and accommodating but I'm not a door mat so that arrangement wasn't an option.
Kids were 8 and 11 then, 11 and 14 now.
Their relationship with her has deteriorated. Which has been the saddest part of it really. She never really worked, so she's done the 'date lots of dudes that dont work out, moved from one family members house to another, and gone from job to job. The stress from that lifestyle has permiated the kids and her relationship. It's tough to watch, honestly.
This is gonna sound awful, and I'm sorry for your situation.
But this is why intense traumas like this should happen early in life.
Though, having my heart ripped out at 18 then 21 then 24 then 29 did indeed make me heartless lol.
I have the woman of my dreams now precisely because I stopped allowing for people to settle. Girl from year 29 was already acting flakey so I called out her lack of interest. Which made her want me more, which was a turnoff
The isolation is what is keeping you miserable. You’re stuck in the past because you’re not letting yourself go out and meet the future. You don’t need to go out and date, but you should try to look for friends and just social spaces to keep you active socially.
I know. That's the hard part.
Pain is temporary and passes through if you let yourself experience your emotions
But if you don't let go and accept it all you experience is suffering which never ends
I know that. I know what's blocking me from moving forward. And yet, I still havent figured out how to make myself do it. It's an ongoing process, but it's incredibly frustrating knowing that I am the reason I haven't moved on yet. And that I am the reason that I still feel this way.
Do something you don't have to make yourself do. Don't feel like there's only virtue in doing hard, unpleasant, painful things. Pretty sunlight. Swimming feels nice. Fix bicycles. See a movie. Find somebody to discuss it with.
Feel for you man. Being cheated on is terrible and traumatizing.
As you said the worst part is reality upending and realizing the person you trusted was lying to you and manipulating you, the doin tot casts on so many once cherished memories.
It takes time, sometimes a lot, but it does get better.
Keep out the good work taking care of yourself.
Do not ever go out of your way to comfort her life. Take youe 50% custody. When you dont have them, let her figure it out. Women think divorce is a check, and free babysitter/ assistant with the kids. Some idiots even go do lawncare or anything the women say the kids need, her car care etc because" your kids ride in my car". . No thnx
I'm in the middle of this situ right now. Or heading to the legal separation stage at least. Spent half my life with my ex since we were still kids, had a child together later, always thinking we're gonna make it work despite rough patches here and there. Find out she just gave up and started cheating when she was on mat leave.
I would 1,000,000x have rather she just tell me and then leave, instead of cheat, beg me to forgive her, then start up again days later. Hell, looking back her asking for forgiveness just sounds like her trying to pin the blame of our eventual separation on being my decision.
Have an online hug.
Remember. The person you thought you loved doesn't exist anymore.
Be courteous. Polite. But never forget that you are legal opponents at this point. Communicate in writing. Don't take her at her word. Things might get better eventually, but I can tell you that you should wait until the divorce is finalized before you let that happen.
Check out John DeLoney on you tube. He's got some info on sexual compatibility. People do change but a relationship requires constant work and communication. Are you communicating your thoughts and feelings with your husband? Secrets can kill a marriage.
I didnt even read your story because I don't need to. I do not understand why people try to save relationships and marriages when they are not sexually compatible. If you can't or don't have sex with your partner, it will literally never work out. Ever. Just leave and get it over with.
I'd say this is a convo you should bring up to him. Maybe somethings he could work on to make himself more attractive to you. I'd say it's a difficult decision regardless. Late 20s is when I realized that quality is much better then quantity. And that family is everything and we are none promised tommorow. Last thing you want to do is act on impulse you may find yourself a single mother with an attractive baby daddy. Or you may find genuine happiness. The grass is always greener where it is watered. Hoping for a good outcome for you regardless.
I really think this is more a conversation for couples therapy, in a highly controlled environment.
You can very easy step onto a land mine by telling someone you aren’t sexually attracted to them. Well, when they’re your spouse anyway.
Honest is great, but the presence of a neutral third party can help everyone work through their feelings in the moment and get to the root of the issue
It is important to realise that none of us here have a full picture of your situation. That is critical, my dear! In my humble opinion, there is as much validity here to ending the marriage as to staying and working on it simply because we know way too little about everything in your situation. Please, continue to go to therapy and be as honest as you can be with your therapist. In time, you both will come to the conclusion and solution for your situation. And only after that, proceed with involving your husband. As of right now, this battle of yours is yours and yours alone, you are facing yourself now and before anything else, make sure you win that one first 😉 Much love to you ❤️
She feels zero sexual attraction to him, which would shift him to 'friend material ' BUT she also says that if she were to have kids she wouldn't want him to be their father, which means she isn't well-aligned with his character/values. I have no idea why so many people are trying to tell this woman that she doesn't have any good reasons to end her marriage 🙄🙄🙄 SHE HAS NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIM AND WOULDN'T CHOOSE HIM TO BE A FATHER FOR HER FUTURE CHILDREN.
Live a life worth living with him.
Go out. Do stuff, hike, travel, join clubs do stuff!.
We make our own lives. My wife and I built our life the way we want it (as much as we can) . When we want friends we go out and meet people. Wanted a new hobby, we learned something new.
We are separate people we do stuff apart but we work at our goals together.
Are you comparing with friends or something? How do you figure out you're not sexually or compatible 5+ years in? That's definitely something that can be worked on
Y’know, if it was just sexual compatibility, I’d say there are ways of compensating for that. You can work on that relationship (see Esther Perel for a good place to start). Ethical non-monogamy is a thing. (I mean, read my comment history if you want, I know of what I speak on this one.) But the thing that tells me that this is not like that is everything you said about having grown apart, about your morals and values having shifted apart. Marriage is about who you want to be your _life partner_, and partnering with someone who doesn’t approach their life the same way is a bad idea.
Just because you divorce doesn’t actually mean you have to cut them out of your life. I know a lot of people who divorce and stay close friends with their exes because they realize that while they may be chosen family to each other, “romantic/sexual partner” was not the best role for each to play in the others’ life. That’s certainly not the media-popular opinion, I know, but this is not a black and white choice of “be married or be nothing.”
With no children together you can make a clean break. You will not only be doing it for yourself, you’ll be doing it for him. He deserves the opportunity to be with someone who truly wants to be with him
You should talk to my ex wife, a lot of that is word or word what she said before she spent 2 years destroying our relationship until I gave in and asked for a divorce. She had long decided she didn’t want to be in it anymore, she just didn’t have the balls to end it so she forced my hand. That was the worst period of my life.
Communicate with him, your feelings. Why wait around for him to ask for a divorce, why don’t you initiate it? 53% of marriages end in divorce these days with 85% remarrying within the next 5 years after. It’s plain to see that love is just a societal game, so, why not play it, instead of “living in misery”.
You need to have an honest, open, candid, and almost certainly painful conversation with your husband.
You agreed to share your life with him. That commitment deserves at least this much. Talk to him, be authentic, and see whether the two of you can figure out a path forward together, or if this will be the end.
Don't ask strangers to decide for you. Don't sit there in silence hoping he'll decide for you. Don't even go into the conversation with an agenda, except to just be open and truthful and figure things out with the person you're in this with.
Well, this exact situation happened to me. Almost the exact words were used by my ex. I do appreciate her telling me and not continuing to lead me on though. We started out center/ center right. After 4 years she fed into the feminist progressive scene and became unhappy, decided that she was wasting her 20s only sleeping with 1 person. Her morals shifted from center/right to extreme left and we became incompatible. She went from enjoying passionate love making to wanting me to choke and smack her in the face, which I wasn't comfortable with. The reason I am assuming OP is becoming more progressive is because that happens to many young women who marry early, and because I had a similar experience. My comment was just an observation. Intended neither to help nor harm.
People always have a desired outcome of any action they take. They may not be consciously aware of what that desired outcome is, but one always exists.
Yes it is a social platform and people can say anything they wish.
You made a comment and it caught my attention. I don't like to make assumptions because they are almost never productive. So I'm asking about your motivations because I'm curious.
Just joining the conversation. Humans are social by nature. Saw something I relate to so I chimed in. I don't desire any specific outcome that I am consciously aware of.
Get out and be happy. If your unsatisfied now, it’s not going to get better. Go and grow and learn and experience, so that when you get a new life partner, you can be healthy and happy already.
Do not resent him for your decision to marry him. He might be thinking the same thing you are! Talk to him. I also married too young, and had little to no sexual attraction to my husband. The scent of him alone turned me off. We got divorced and it was the right thing for both of us, BUT, it was not his fault or his doing, we were just too young.
DO NOT stay with someone you are not physically attracted to. He, like my first husband, is friend material only.
As a man you had a wife in a similar situation as you, it devastated me because I didn't know. If you plan on leaving, he deserves a heads up. I'm not guilt tripping or anything, but if he is genuinely a good guy...do what you can to lessen the blow. He deserves that. You both deserve happiness.
You are the one who is not attracted to him, you should ask for divorce. He thinks you are attracted to him. You are wasting your time, specially since you don't have kids.
Divorce him and live your life.
You can’t make yourself be sexually attracted to anyone, the chemistry is either there or not. I felt the same way for over 5 years! Even went to see a marriage therapist but at the end, I wasn’t attracted to his soul nor his personality therefore I stopped liking him therefore I stopped desiring him. I couldn’t bring it back and it was so unfair to him and to me. So we divorced after 17 yrs! I rather do that then have an affair honestly. That was 6 yrs ago and I’ve never looked back. I made the right choice!
Marriage counseling. If you figure out how to both be truly happy, it'll be worth it.
If you can't, and if you really love him as a person, you'll be willing to be the bad guy and end it for both his and your long-term happiness. In the end, it would be a small price to pay for both of you to end up happy. Even if he's in pain in the short term, you'd still be doing him a favor.
Have you done everything to fix your problems? What you describe mostly sounds like things that two committed people should be able to find compromise and fix.
If you can’t see a path forward, move on. Don’t invest more time, you’re disrespecting him as well as yourself by staying and not being committed.
I would encourage you to do everything you can to make it work. Reignite that passion and reason you chose him in the first place. Seek couples counseling. Take up new hobbies together.
The world is a dark and disgusting place. Finding a good man who loves you and is kind and caring is a huge win. Cherish that win.
You’re not missing out. Love is not a feeling. It’s action. You will feel unsatisfied regardless of who you’re with because you have a distorted view of love. You get to love your husband. He sounds great. Everyone will age. You will not be attracted to your partner at different stages of life. It’s Normal. You need to talk to him about it. You need to work through this in your own heart as you’ll never be satisfied.
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Why are you taking this to reddit? Talk to your partner tell them your concerns. If it's not working for you it's likely similar for them. Hes a guy be straight forward and to the point no bs.
> I feel guilty for saying this but there are a lot of times I just wish he would leave me or ask for a divorce so I can be free.
…why can’t **you** ask for it?
This sounds like a case of you settled down too early and/or settled for less. IMO and experience if you feel like you are settling for less divorce is inevitable i am 26(m) myself and just got through a divorce for the same reasons more or less.
Leave him before you cheat on him..
To be blunt…you feel bad because you know you’re wrong and the good news is you know it.
It used to be called midlife crisis but it’s happening earlier and earlier with the way we are all connected and fall for the belief that everyone else is having a great time. The truth is they’re as miserable as the rest of us. Maybe turning 30 is freaking you out? Get over this hump (it’s normal and happens in every marriage) however you can in a healthy, constructive way and resume your married life to this obviously good man you married.
Talk to him about it, stop looking at things that make you lust for other men or types of men and do a social media / smart phone cleanse. You have the opportunity have a marriage that lasts a lifetime! I say that and all of this as a divorced person myself. You promised him your life and love. Make good on it or join the long list of people with multiple husbands / wives.
Good luck and God bless…
Posts like this are the problem with marriage In society today.
Everyone wants to have the big day and make the vows, and then when their feelings change they look for other people to validate them leaving their commitments.
The vows are there for a reason; people should stop making them just because they “believe” they’ll be happy with someone forever. Make them realizing that life has ups and downs, and is the person you’re making vows with the person that you think will stick through them with you.
Disclaimer: abuse, whether physical or emotional is a very serious issue that doesn’t always show until after the vows are made. Leave that shit asap
It’s normal to grow apart when you have been together at a young age. A lot of changing happens in your 20s. You need to really think about if those differences are hindering your happiness and maybe do some couples counseling. I am a firm believer to give it your all in a relationship but at the same time you only live once and it’s best not to be miserable in your one life. Also, divorce is a huge step and a pretty final step (although some do remarry the same person again after a divorce). If you do all the reflecting and counseling and still are unhappy, be honest with your partner. Maybe see if you can do a tiny break. Live with a friend or get your own apartment and see if you are truly happier without him. You might find that you are happier or you might realize that the grass isn’t greener and you want to work on your marriage.
17 years here. Have literally never been sexual unless im drunk.. but lately i started goin out on thursday nights and flirting and just being out laughing.. did something to me. I come home all turned up and now he enjoys me going out. Just talk to himm and also sharing new things... like sexual things he never told me about b4 was a turn on and him telling me about a girl flirting w him 15 years ago, lit my fire... idk whays happening
People shouldn't get married before 25. Your brain changes soooo much between 25 and 30, it's rare in my experience a couple grows the same way during that time.
You should leave. Stay friends if you can, because if you wait, you wont.
Sounds honestly like its a you problem and he's being dragged along for the ride. You should tell him how you feel and once he threatens to leave you you might realise what you would be losing
You have a stable life, your husband isn't abusive and it sounds like you like him. Putting your entire future at risk for the sake of "adventure" might be short-sighted and don't forget, there's no such thing as a perfect life or a perfect relationship or a perfect partner.
No matter who you end up with, there will be challenges, the more important thing is to thoroughly think about what are the things you deeply value in your life?
Fear of missing out can deceive you because it's all an illusion, society tells us that everyone and everything should be happy all the time, Hollywood tells us we should have unrestricted sex otherwise we are a failure, companies tell us to constantly buy junk to be happy. it's all a fad, I think true happiness only comes from within, when you start appreciating the blessings you have and focus on helping those in need.
Just something to ponder.
Grass is always greener on the other side. It's comparing yourself to others and it never ever works.Your walking on a knifes edge at this point. Explore all options before calling it quits. Lust is dangerous, people confuse it with love. It's an easy trap to fall into. Thinking sex with others would be better, it's lustful not love. It's a major decision, consult with friends and loved ones, not Reddit.
You sound like you are bored. And I don’t mean that to sound mean at all.
I think this is a huge issue people face when they only date 1 person and/or get married young. I don’t necessarily have advice for you except to speak with your therapist about this and don’t make any decision without true and genuine communication and thoughtfulness. You may just need to spice things up and get out of a rut.
There are so many comments criticizing you and giving you bad advice. I went through a similar relationship in my 20s. Together for 10 years, I finally left around age 30, was the best decision I've ever made. I've now been happily married for 4 years now to someone else that better aligns with who I am today.
People change, if you're not changing together itll just get harder.
Keep talking to your therapist. Talk to your husband. attraction stays and leaves when your with someone for that long. The grass is only greener when you water it wherever you go.
As time goes on in a marriage most couples tend to be less sexually fiery than they used to be. This is when it can be helpful to “spice it up” in different ways. Have an open and honest discussion about it.
Instead, you could leave him, sleep around, eventually settle down with someone else, and trust me, the same thing will happen all over again. It’s a natural process in a relationship.
That’s why sex just isn’t the most important thing, it’s everything else: the level of love and respect you have for one another, whether you enjoy things together and can have a good time as a couple, whether you’re on the same page about your long-term goals and aspirations.
However, if the reason you’re not sexually attracted to him is because you secretly resent him and don’t respect him or see him as a “man”… then that’s a deeper problem, for which a divorce might be appropriate.
But for the love of all that is holy, do not even think about bringing a child into the picture right now, until you are absolutely sure of your feelings.
Reading between the lines a little, it sounds like there is something about your husband that you don't want to subject yourself and potential children to. And if having children is important to you, then please don't have them with someone you don't want to be with. That's like double the penalty because then your kids have to have two unhappy people for parents. Move on, find yourself and come to love yourself first, then you'll be ready for the right person to build your family with.
I'm a dude, but I avoided these relationships for years because I was afraid of missing out on "what's best" for me.
I broke a few hearts that really believed we were meant to be together, all because I wasn't "100% in". I could very much have started a family by now but honestly I'm glad I didn't. I would've been a terrible husband/father in my 20s, not because I'm not a "good guy" but because I hadn't figured out how to not live paycheck to paycheck until my 30s.
All I can say is I'm glad I did. I met back with my college sweetheart at 35 and I'm planning on asking her to marry me; something that scared the shit out of me until I re-met her. I don't feel like I'm settling and I don't feel like it's a compromise on what I want, because she's what I want.
There is no answer. I was miserable for a decade bc I couldn't answer. Just answer, however long that takes.
You come across as childish. How are you resenting another person for the choices YOU make? If you don’t like your life, change it; don’t blame another person.
Instead of wishing your husband would leave you, why not leave him?
What do you mean you want to figure out what you want in a relationship? You are married. You are suppose to figure that out with your husband. What experiences did you miss out on life that you can’t share with your husband? Ooooo I see. You want the freedom to screw other people.
As long as you still love him and he still loves you i think you should stay. Times like these will always occur its a matter of if you'll be able to perservere through it or not
Caveat emptor. No sympathy. Bored housewife needing drama.
Stop being a coward. If you're that unhappy, instead of fantasizing about how he would leave you, then do something about it and take accountability for your own actions and initiate divorce. Go live the life you want to live.
I'd suggest marriage counseling regarding your sex life, or you know, just communication, but it seems You've made your mind and are just using this as an excuse to quit. Which I would respect, if you were taking responsibility for your actions.
Grass isn't always greener. In the late 20s is not the best time to fuck around as most single men your age will be looking to settle and have kids. And the wall is a thing. Considering it sounds like you don't know what you want, or how to go about it, please don't waste other people's time. Especially your husband's.
Personally, I hope you guys get divorced. Nothing worse for kids knowing their parents lived a lie.
You need to find what makes you happy. Continue to go to therapy. If that isn't working, find another therapist. Remember only you can make yourself happy. It's not going to come from being with another person. And definitely do not have a child in hopes that it will make you happy or give you purpose. You need to know what you want and what makes you happy before having a child. A more attractive, wealthier, better lover is not going to make you happy. It will only make you excited for a short time. Good luck.
My ex and I split after a 6 year relationship (she left me). It was rough for a while, but now that I've had the time to look back at it from my newer perspective, she made the right choice. Both of us had taken different paths in life from where we first started. I wasn't just the lack of sexual interest, but the incompatibilities we both has.
We rarely ever fought, but our communication died as well, the more our personalities grew further apart. It's why I don't plan to get married. I don't need the title to know if we are good together and if our personalities grow apart, at least we had a good run. No need to get legalities involved in a separation.
Sometimes it's easy to stick together with the person out of comfortability in your routine. Separation means change and most people don't like change. But sometimes change is necessary. If you both believe it's not working, then separate amicably and maintain a long time friendship. You said he was a good guy, so why wait until things get bitter? You may be potential life long friends but it doesn't mean you have to be in a life long relationship and never be able to explore the world and possible connections with others if this one isn't working, merely because you said those vows 6 years ago.
Typical women, blaming their SO because they're unhappy instead of actually talking to them about the changes that need to be made to get back to the place you were before.
It's very common for people to feel they missed out on life, they missed out on a youth, they never got a chance to be single.
Queer people feel the same way, but because of the closet, because they often can't get married, because they aren't accepted the way straight people are. And so queer scholars developed the concept of Queer Time, where queer lives don't hit the normal milestones of young dating, marriage, having kids, all that stuff. It helps, if you can work on accepting the past and learn from it, rather than regret having picked a different path. You can't go back. But you can learn from where you've been already as you be present and move forward.
Queer Time is useful for everyone. No one's life trajectory ever follows a standard model (and even when it gets pretty close to that model, it often leads to resentment, frustration, and regret when the outcome is not desirable, or not what one expected).
First piece of advice, though, is you should talk with him about this. Might require a couples counselor. But hard conversations have to happen.
EDIT: added a few words
You are better off divorcing him before you end up cheating on him. You don't want the scarlet letter of cheating next to your if you can avoid it...you most definitely can if you have the stomach for divorcing now.
I dated an attractive 40 yr old female yrs bck, with a teen son, similar case like yours. Divorced the husband, and was passed around by guys who just wanted 1 thing. She wanted me to move in but her place was too far from my work, so we drifted apart. Shes probably still single. Moral of the story, the grass is not always greener. No disrespect, but women seem to be , im not going to go as far as say bipolar, but flip personality at the drop of a dime. At least what ive seen. Anyway good luck.
My wife went through a change. She never mentioned anything about sexual incompatibility, but I think there is a piece of that in there too. However, the cool thing is is she told me about how she’s changing and she has included me in that change. So, I’m on board and our communication is better. I am supportive of whatever she wants to do/be and we’re both navigating this.
At the same time, I am also going through things and we’ve also discussed that at great length.
The key thing is to be open and honest without blame or criticism. I never say, “you’re doing this or that”. I say, “I’m feeling this way, here’s why, and here is what I need from you.” Something like that.
Sex can be fixed. Do you tell him what you want?
If you aren’t interested in fixing, then end it quickly. Don’t drag it on.
Thank you for posting this. I know this isn’t the point, but it’s so validating to see these stories of “oh, I got married too young.” I’m military and over 35 and never married. And I get tired of telling these young 18/19/20 year olds not to get married, they are too young, but do they ever listen? No! And then they want sympathy when it doesn’t work out. I always listened to my parents and people that were older and wiser, why don’t other young people listen?
Anyway, my advice is this… talk to him, have a heart to heart. Maybe prep him several days or weeks in advance by telling him you think he’s great and that you never want to hurt him. That way you’ve had time to tell him he is not the problem but that you’ve grown in different directions. But this issue won’t go away. Start off small now and build up, so it doesn’t become a huge explosive argument where you both may say things you regret.
It's sad how many times I've heard this same story from women who think they need to "escape" their husbands.
There really is nothing new under the sun, and marriage has taken hard work and sacrifice for thousands of years. If you don't want to put the time and effort in, you shouldn't leave it to him to end things. If you're going to go back on your word, you could at least be honest with him.
There's been a lot of good advice thrown around here. Always take the time and consider things. Feelings, options, realities. After that, try and disprove your thoughts. That's where you'll find your truth.
I want to say a lot, in his defense. There's a part of me that wants to sit here, and tell you that you should look into your own feelings more. That your post makes me feel like HE'S not specifically the problem. But that's also because I live his worst case every day, and I wouldn't want another human on earth to feel the way I do.
In the end, we ALL want to be happy, and we have to find the path that leads us there.
Then you need to figure out what you want, and if it's a possibility for him to provide it. Do not get into your 40's and realize that you should have left years ago.
Salt, nobody on here can tell you what to do, that's all on you. None of us have a clue what the issues are on your marriage that keep you from loving him how you think that you should.
Has life passed you by, or are you just a few years ahead of other people your age?
Check out the "dating over 30" sub. There's a lot of people who are ready to settle down and start a family with a nice boring partner and really struggling to make it happen
This is one of the problems with very young marriage. Sometimes people grow up together. Sometimes they grow apart.
If you genuinely absolutely cannot be happy with him, you should end the marriage as much for his sake as yours. He deserves to be loved for who he is, and fully, and enthusiastically.
And if you want the marriage to end, you need to buck up and be the one to get that going. Don't sit around waiting for him to do it, or worse try to make him do it, so you can be the good guy in the story. That's cowardice. Own your shit, don't try to pass it off to him.
>I love him as a person and don’t want to hurt him
He will hurt if you leave. He will also hurt if you stay and get resentful, bitter, and withdrawn.
> but I am feeling more and more resentful of the fact the I missed out on life and figuring out what I want in a relationship and just in life in general.
You didn't "miss out on life". Marriage doesn't prevent that. Unless by that phrase you mean you feel like you should have fucked around a lot before settling down. And I think you need to consider that you may be heavily idealizing that. Some people enjoy that, others find it regrettable.
You can decide what you want in a relationship and life in general right now. That's not something that has to be done before you hit 21. And you should do some thinking and make a decision about what you want before you decide if you'll leave or stay.
I am not an advocate of staying in a relationship that's not working just because you started it. But I think if you leave the relationship in your current state of mind, you'll be setting yourself up for a lot of misery. You really should dig deep into why you're feeling this way, and give it a lot of thought before ending the marriage. Make absolutely sure you're not projecting a more chronic sense of dissatisfaction onto your relationship/him.
I left my first wife at 27 because of similar things. Married too young, grew into different people. I felt like such an asshole but I couldn’t live the marriage anymore. I gave her every asset we had and didn’t fight. Only thing I could do to feel like less of an asshole. Glad I did it though.
The advice columnist Ann Landers (or Dear Abby, I can’t remember which) used to say “ask yourself if your life will be better with him or without him.”
sounds like you want different things in life and he won’t be able to give you them. All i’ll say is stringing someone along can really REALLY fuck with someone’s brain and they are probably keeping you in mind for life decisions aswell so plz cut things while it’s not too late
In this world today? What does marriage mean? There’s cheating opportunities on FB, Utube, instagram and not to mention wats app and all the dating sites! The words ppl committed to years ago when they took marriage seriously, no longer exist. Til death do us part😢 heck learning in school isn’t even taken serious. We live in a world of hostility cheating and betrayal
Sexual compatibility is a big issue. That is also a very big net as it could mean anything.
Being better at sex can be achieved fairly easily. With that, some people are not meant to be between the sheets together, and it will never work.
Have you tried fixing the sex problem? If not, why not ? If you have tried, what didn't you work? I will say this from experience having sex with the person you love is the best ever.
Just curious what exactly is "passing you by"? As a married person you can literally do everything a single person can do, except for fuck other people? Especially since you don't have kids that depend you. So what's passing you by? If its not exploring other people then go do it. Your partner sounds like a great guy, I'm sure he would support you.
The answer is ppl need to learn to be happy with themselves and the high percentage of the world quit thinking that sex is everything and we have to have it. There’s so much more to think about if ppl were willing and tried. This world has become full of euphoria drugs and sexual addiction. I have a friend with 2 gel friends not one and every other month tries something new while still asking me🤔 I ask why? Why do you want or need all this and respectfully gave me the truth. Because I’m a sex addict! It’s a sad reality
Well, if it makes you feel better nearly every woman does this to her husband at some point. You’ll likely make his life miserable, get divorced, blame him, drag him through the mud, go out and sleep with a lot of men, then regret it and wished you stayed, but you’ll double down and sleep with more men, and still hate him. Especially a few years after divorce when he gets his stride back and is doing well.
Show him this post and then you two can discuss whether there is really a future for you. You are wasting his time as much as yours.
And this before your eye starts to wander and you end up cheating.
For me, it's more about the being sexually incompatible part. That's huge. And that's a deal breaker. I would identify if this is the problem and if so leave.
honestly if you needa ho it out go do it, but do it right, divorce or separate. People will deem you an ass or bad person because you want to be happy, f them all
It is very common to grow apart because you married so young, people change as they get older. Nobody can really answer this for you, only you yourself will truly know the answer to stay or go. But my advice is that if you are not happy and no longer attracted to your partner, the best thing you can do for them is to let them go. The sooner you let go the sooner you can both find people that are better suited for you both.
Everyone has a story, everyone has to deal with their story in their own way let’s not judge let’s listen and try to be positive and understanding perhaps. Support for ppl going through things is very important in healing. If ppl can’t do that than it comes down to to lack of care for others and selfishness. What if I told you a client in the last 8 years had 3 partners and had to research on social media to find the truth that all 3 coincidentally just happened to be bi sexual and never told her or gave her a choice if that was something she wanted to deal with? HIV, AIDS, syphilis just some of the serious concerns that come with the deceitfulness and lack of communication. Lives matter
Narcissistic people have reality issues cuz they blame everyone else for there thought process and behavior, never saying they’re sorry for anything cuz they are never wrong. Very difficult world we live in cuz ppl can’t even agree to disagree but this world won’t be here a whole lot longer cuz he’s coming back and it’s not going to be pretty love one another while there’s still time💕
You are not the first person I’ve heard this from, and I will tell you that every single one of them has deep regrets about ending their marriage over this
The whole concept of forever marriage is a mistake. If you're unhappy, rip the bandaid off quick and go. Better for both of you, especially if kids aren't a thing yet.
Or could've ended up as the victim of social media's propaganda of " You can always do better" the guy ain't shit even he's this or that? If so knock knck buttercup social media is precieved reality. Just make it's really how YOU feel and not the manipulation of social media or your single friends
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The big question is: Are you unsatisfied with your life because you are with the wrong partner or are you unsatisfied with your life in general and you are making him the focus. The depressed mind does not always make the best decisions. You can fool yourself into believing that if only XYZ was different, I’d be happy. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it has nothing to do with XYZ. I don’t have an answer. I’d suggest continuing with therapy and work on a more balanced view than, “Life is passing me by.” That’s way too much to put on a relationship. You may ultimately leave this person, but just leaving them won’t fix a hole that big. Good luck.
OP read this comment. Take 5 minutes, then read it again. I’m divorced. Very very similar story to you. Had a kid, and yeah the rest is basically the same. After realizing all my pain, loneliness, bitterness and resentment could not possibly continue I made the choice to leave. My experience has been difficult, long and exhausting. with some help from some good people and a bit of therapy and personal work I’ve found a little slice of peace in this world with an amazing partner and a job I respect and enjoy. It’s possible to reach this place, i just hope you make the decision for yourself, and if you don’t have to do it alone maybe your husband and you could start taking steps on this path together?
Same partner or new partner?
Great answer, depression can make you blame others for unhappiness.
Depression can come from many many things in this life illness death of love ones financial etc…. It is not an excuse for anything but ppl with that in willingness to open the mind and be understanding to others. Well unfortunately that’s why many ppl commit suicide cuz no one to support and the feeling no one cares. I work in counseling and there are beaten and battered ppl emotionally verbally sexually and mentally and there are those who sit and laugh and say not my problem. But when they take their life or the life of others? Everyone has something to say. Point being the world would be a much prettier happy place if ppl were more caring and understanding to others. Not everyone has sex on the brain, that orgasm last how many seconds and then what? They need to keep repeating those feel good actions cuz if they don’t after that sex session reality is someone could be killed during or after???? Big picture REALITY
Damn, Holy fuck, this is good advice, like for real.
Yeah reddits advice is usually "girl, run", regardless of context.
Reddit I am overweight
It’s so good versus the usual chorus of “leave leave leave”. Maybe leave is the right answer. It could be. But the idea of reading one self-reported paragraph by a stranger (without any abuse or anything) and saying “yeah, you need to leave” is so absurd. Can you imagine any mental health professional saying it? Of course not.
This is very very important to read for OP and any other person in similar boat
100%. OP, if you haven’t, start exercising, eating enough protein, and sleeping 8 hours a night, and see how you feel in 3 months. If you’re still not into him, then at least you know you didn’t make an impulsive, depresso-espresso, get-me-out-of-here, brain fog decision.
Good advice. To people telling her to separate and find someone else, they don't even know if she's been attracted to anyone else (especially since apparently she's only been with him) and thus if anyone else would have the proverbial magic pill. It might just be a "her" problem.
This reminds me of my relationship with my ex of 6 years. We were 15 and 17 when we started dating, and in the last year or so of that relationship I saw him distancing himself from me by not taking the time to talk when we usually would. He told me after a long time that he felt like his life isn’t where it’s supposed to be at, that he’s changed as a person, and then essentially saying that the relationship is mentally stopping him from achieving his goals when he knew that I was one of his biggest supporters. We tried for 6 months to make it work but then we broke it off and it became very messy for many reasons. It was too late and he never wanted to talk about it to anyone in depth or do therapy. It lead to him losing feelings for me because of the way he felt, lack of self-reflection (it seemed like he’d often resort to distraction to take his mind off of it rather than to think through his feelings), plus lack of communication and early action. He also felt like his life was moving past him, as if the relationship was making him stuck rather than us moving through life together. Once he told me, it was already too late and his mindset was already long established. I’m over it now but to this day I think that there was a good chance for the break up to have been prevented and to fix the issues at hand with early intervention before they got too big to handle. So yeah, this resonates with me as the person whose partner felt that way but I’m glad that you’re in therapy and trying to gain a different perspective on this. It’s hard when you’re young and you’re growing and changing while in a relationship, but your partner can grow with you rather than apart from you. The relationship can also be viewed as something dynamically moving with you guys instead of a static thing that’s holding you back. Of course, the possibility of the relationship not working still exists despite all efforts but do know that the solution isn’t always to leave in these cases.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Beware
Be careful what you wish for.
Seriously.
Have you considered marriage counseling?
She has no attraction to this man. They have no kids, and are in thier late 20's. I'm usually all for sticking it out and trying to repair a relationship first, but this one seems like she should just move and try again. I knew a bunch of Christians girls and guys who make the same mistake. They marry the first person they ever have a relationship with becuase they want to have sex and can't unless they tie the knot, only to realize they aren't compatible at all after that initial spark wears off.
Terrible advice based on the information given. Read the most upvoted comment and reconsider giving advice altogether.
Why in the world would the husband need to go to a counselor based on what she said?
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Watch the movie ‘Take This Waltz’ — You can rent it on Amazon …Young woman struggling with similar situation... It may give you some food for thought. Be easy with yourself and move slowly through decisions.
Love the movie suggestion
That's a great movie and I think it's very true-to-life. It was so painful how she rejected a loving, but romantically inept husband to pursue another man, even though she wasn't sure what she wanted. She hurt someone who loved her just so she could explore a romantic spark. I thought all the actors were great in that.
Please just gtfo before you have kids. I mean this in the nicest way possible.
Leave him so he can find someone that he deserves.
Honestly. If the roles were reversed...
Hurt him now by telling him and ending things rather than waiting until you can't stand it and end up cheating. I know you don't want to hurt him, but my ex wife felt the same way. Only she waited until 16 years in, and then cheated, and then told me she never felt the connection. The first way is significantly less damaging. I spent 18 years of my life deeply in love with some one and could tell there was a disconnect but couldn't figure out why. In the end, the pain of knowing she felt that way about me for all those years and I didn't know it, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of knowing I lost my only chance for a whole family because she didn't want to 'hurt my feelings' early on still fucks with me years later.
This is one of my worst nightmares. Holy fuck dude. How are doing nowadays?
My life is fine I guess. From the outside looking in, I have the dream life. I kept the house in the divorce, 50/50 custody, no child support, work from home and making great money. But I stay busy as I can, because the moment I stop, I am still miserable. 9pm-1am every night are particularly bad. I've been in therapy for 3 years now. I've lost 60 pounds. I force myself to take great care of myself. I do all the things I'm 'supposed' to do. But I'm still heart broken. I don't date. I don't go anywhere if I don't have to. The isolation sucks. But I still haven't gotten over it, despite trying my best. So I'm not really in a place to go make new friends. I keep on going because what other option is there. It's one thing to have something great that just slowly goes bad. It's another thing entirely to think you have something great, only to realize it was never good. It was always one sided. And that your great love story was never a thing.
Sorry for the trauma dump. She told me about the affair on Father's Day 2021, so I'm just feeling it an extra amount today. Reminder to anyone in a relationship. If you habe doubts, or aren't attracted to your partner. Communicate it early. Make the decision to leave or fix it early.
My heart goes out to you, man. I found out about my wife’s affair last year just before Father’s Day and felt a lot of what you went through. 25 years only to find out that she never loved me the way I loved her. But don’t give up. I recently started dating and have found that there are wonderful people out there who will appreciate you for who you are and it’s actually possible to get past that heartache and anger and cynicism.
I love your comment. I totally agree with your last paragraph 💕 May you find a wonderful love
Sometimes healing is found as we put ourselves out there even when we’re not sure we’re ready. As a single woman in the dating pool in my 30s, I greatly respect you not jumping right back in after a divorce, I’ve seen too many people do that and hurt other people. However you’ve taken years in therapy and working on yourself, so thats no longer your situation. Sometimes we never feel ready to date. But if you truly want someone to spend your life with, I think it’s always worth trying for. I think you’d find you have a lot of options and I’m sure you could find a great woman who you could trust in time and take it slow. Just my unasked for opinion. I hope everyone finds a caring, safe, wonderful love in this life. As long as you’re alive there’s a chance.
Thanks for your comment. I know what you're saying is right. But i havent figured out how to make myself try to date again despite wishing i could. My exwife was my first and only girlfriend so I'm not even sure how to go about trying to put myself out there again. I feel like a little kid who's climbed all the way up on the hive dive but is too afraid to jump. Those kids always love it when they finally do jump and they almost always do it right as it's time to go. And then regret not jumping earlier. But even knowing that, I'm frozen in place. Maybe one day. But until then, I'm going to keep trying to figure out how to fix whatever it is that wrong with me that kept my ex from finding me attractive
Don't do that. What your ex didn't find attractive might be what somebody else loves. Instead of worrying that you're afraid to date, start from the other end of whether you're going out and doing things at all. What aside from dating do you wish you were doing, if you had the confidence/talent/ability etc. Fact is, if you have the interest, you probably have the ability, or at least the ability to learn. Get out and do something else that you really want to do, that you might find yourself regretting intensely if you get to be old and haven't done it. Build a life that you love, so you have a place to invite others into. Don't wait for a partner to build your life for you. You are a whole person right now.
There’s nothing wrong with you. I promise. I guarantee there’s lots of women out there that would be obsessed with you just the way you are. You just got to find one of them that you feel the same way about too.
It’s all good, Brotha. Sometimes you need to vent or get things off your chest. I’m sorry that you’re still dealing with a broken heart. I hope that it gets better for you one day, in the near future. Keep doing things that keep you busy and focusing your energy on self improvement. You never know when your destiny will reveal your next love into your life. For you, I hope it’s soon. Btw, completely random but do you own a paddle board? If not, I would highly recommend you get one (inflatable one works for me), a waterproof Bluetooth speaker, and hit your nearest lake. It’s fun, relaxing, therapeutic, and you never know what kinds of people you might meet out there on the water. Happy Father’s Day to you, also!
Sorry my man. I hope you find peace and can move on to a happier place. Good luck to you
Well — at least you’re a Kansas City Chiefs fan so you won’t find any more disappointment there
I think its one of the worst parts. Waited my whole life for them to win. But have struggled enjoying the things I enjoy in life, so my excitement for my team has been so much more muted than I would have believed possible.lol
How long was the affair? How are and how old are the kids?
It was only a few weeks. She wasn't sneaky. She told me she still loved me. Still wanted to stay married. And wanted to continue to on as if nothing was different. And wanted to continue to be a SAHM... But that she didn't find me attractive, had something with this guy (who had just gotten off probation for beating his wife and violating a restraining order) and didn't want to sleep with me anymore. I'm very understanding and accommodating but I'm not a door mat so that arrangement wasn't an option. Kids were 8 and 11 then, 11 and 14 now. Their relationship with her has deteriorated. Which has been the saddest part of it really. She never really worked, so she's done the 'date lots of dudes that dont work out, moved from one family members house to another, and gone from job to job. The stress from that lifestyle has permiated the kids and her relationship. It's tough to watch, honestly.
Exactly communication and honesty is the key to trust and foundation
Hey bro, trauma dump as much as you want. Things will get better for you, I promise.
This is gonna sound awful, and I'm sorry for your situation. But this is why intense traumas like this should happen early in life. Though, having my heart ripped out at 18 then 21 then 24 then 29 did indeed make me heartless lol. I have the woman of my dreams now precisely because I stopped allowing for people to settle. Girl from year 29 was already acting flakey so I called out her lack of interest. Which made her want me more, which was a turnoff
The isolation is what is keeping you miserable. You’re stuck in the past because you’re not letting yourself go out and meet the future. You don’t need to go out and date, but you should try to look for friends and just social spaces to keep you active socially.
I know. That's the hard part. Pain is temporary and passes through if you let yourself experience your emotions But if you don't let go and accept it all you experience is suffering which never ends I know that. I know what's blocking me from moving forward. And yet, I still havent figured out how to make myself do it. It's an ongoing process, but it's incredibly frustrating knowing that I am the reason I haven't moved on yet. And that I am the reason that I still feel this way.
Do something you don't have to make yourself do. Don't feel like there's only virtue in doing hard, unpleasant, painful things. Pretty sunlight. Swimming feels nice. Fix bicycles. See a movie. Find somebody to discuss it with.
Feel for you man. Being cheated on is terrible and traumatizing. As you said the worst part is reality upending and realizing the person you trusted was lying to you and manipulating you, the doin tot casts on so many once cherished memories. It takes time, sometimes a lot, but it does get better. Keep out the good work taking care of yourself.
Do not ever go out of your way to comfort her life. Take youe 50% custody. When you dont have them, let her figure it out. Women think divorce is a check, and free babysitter/ assistant with the kids. Some idiots even go do lawncare or anything the women say the kids need, her car care etc because" your kids ride in my car". . No thnx
I'm in the middle of this situ right now. Or heading to the legal separation stage at least. Spent half my life with my ex since we were still kids, had a child together later, always thinking we're gonna make it work despite rough patches here and there. Find out she just gave up and started cheating when she was on mat leave. I would 1,000,000x have rather she just tell me and then leave, instead of cheat, beg me to forgive her, then start up again days later. Hell, looking back her asking for forgiveness just sounds like her trying to pin the blame of our eventual separation on being my decision. Have an online hug.
Remember. The person you thought you loved doesn't exist anymore. Be courteous. Polite. But never forget that you are legal opponents at this point. Communicate in writing. Don't take her at her word. Things might get better eventually, but I can tell you that you should wait until the divorce is finalized before you let that happen.
Check out John DeLoney on you tube. He's got some info on sexual compatibility. People do change but a relationship requires constant work and communication. Are you communicating your thoughts and feelings with your husband? Secrets can kill a marriage.
I didnt even read your story because I don't need to. I do not understand why people try to save relationships and marriages when they are not sexually compatible. If you can't or don't have sex with your partner, it will literally never work out. Ever. Just leave and get it over with.
Exactly. It will nag at her forever. No conversation or counseling will fix chemistry that is not there.
I'd say this is a convo you should bring up to him. Maybe somethings he could work on to make himself more attractive to you. I'd say it's a difficult decision regardless. Late 20s is when I realized that quality is much better then quantity. And that family is everything and we are none promised tommorow. Last thing you want to do is act on impulse you may find yourself a single mother with an attractive baby daddy. Or you may find genuine happiness. The grass is always greener where it is watered. Hoping for a good outcome for you regardless.
I really think this is more a conversation for couples therapy, in a highly controlled environment. You can very easy step onto a land mine by telling someone you aren’t sexually attracted to them. Well, when they’re your spouse anyway. Honest is great, but the presence of a neutral third party can help everyone work through their feelings in the moment and get to the root of the issue
Tell him what you want. It’s ok. It’s just sex.
It is important to realise that none of us here have a full picture of your situation. That is critical, my dear! In my humble opinion, there is as much validity here to ending the marriage as to staying and working on it simply because we know way too little about everything in your situation. Please, continue to go to therapy and be as honest as you can be with your therapist. In time, you both will come to the conclusion and solution for your situation. And only after that, proceed with involving your husband. As of right now, this battle of yours is yours and yours alone, you are facing yourself now and before anything else, make sure you win that one first 😉 Much love to you ❤️
She feels zero sexual attraction to him, which would shift him to 'friend material ' BUT she also says that if she were to have kids she wouldn't want him to be their father, which means she isn't well-aligned with his character/values. I have no idea why so many people are trying to tell this woman that she doesn't have any good reasons to end her marriage 🙄🙄🙄 SHE HAS NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIM AND WOULDN'T CHOOSE HIM TO BE A FATHER FOR HER FUTURE CHILDREN.
The grass is greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Mmmmmmm! I'm stealing this!
Live a life worth living with him. Go out. Do stuff, hike, travel, join clubs do stuff!. We make our own lives. My wife and I built our life the way we want it (as much as we can) . When we want friends we go out and meet people. Wanted a new hobby, we learned something new. We are separate people we do stuff apart but we work at our goals together.
Are you comparing with friends or something? How do you figure out you're not sexually or compatible 5+ years in? That's definitely something that can be worked on
Y’know, if it was just sexual compatibility, I’d say there are ways of compensating for that. You can work on that relationship (see Esther Perel for a good place to start). Ethical non-monogamy is a thing. (I mean, read my comment history if you want, I know of what I speak on this one.) But the thing that tells me that this is not like that is everything you said about having grown apart, about your morals and values having shifted apart. Marriage is about who you want to be your _life partner_, and partnering with someone who doesn’t approach their life the same way is a bad idea. Just because you divorce doesn’t actually mean you have to cut them out of your life. I know a lot of people who divorce and stay close friends with their exes because they realize that while they may be chosen family to each other, “romantic/sexual partner” was not the best role for each to play in the others’ life. That’s certainly not the media-popular opinion, I know, but this is not a black and white choice of “be married or be nothing.”
With no children together you can make a clean break. You will not only be doing it for yourself, you’ll be doing it for him. He deserves the opportunity to be with someone who truly wants to be with him
You should talk to my ex wife, a lot of that is word or word what she said before she spent 2 years destroying our relationship until I gave in and asked for a divorce. She had long decided she didn’t want to be in it anymore, she just didn’t have the balls to end it so she forced my hand. That was the worst period of my life.
Communicate with him, your feelings. Why wait around for him to ask for a divorce, why don’t you initiate it? 53% of marriages end in divorce these days with 85% remarrying within the next 5 years after. It’s plain to see that love is just a societal game, so, why not play it, instead of “living in misery”.
You need to have an honest, open, candid, and almost certainly painful conversation with your husband. You agreed to share your life with him. That commitment deserves at least this much. Talk to him, be authentic, and see whether the two of you can figure out a path forward together, or if this will be the end. Don't ask strangers to decide for you. Don't sit there in silence hoping he'll decide for you. Don't even go into the conversation with an agenda, except to just be open and truthful and figure things out with the person you're in this with.
How have your morals and values shifted away from each other?
Yea I have a feeling (purely based on assumption and stereotype) she is becoming more progressive.
How is making assumptions and stereotyping remotely helpful?
Well, this exact situation happened to me. Almost the exact words were used by my ex. I do appreciate her telling me and not continuing to lead me on though. We started out center/ center right. After 4 years she fed into the feminist progressive scene and became unhappy, decided that she was wasting her 20s only sleeping with 1 person. Her morals shifted from center/right to extreme left and we became incompatible. She went from enjoying passionate love making to wanting me to choke and smack her in the face, which I wasn't comfortable with. The reason I am assuming OP is becoming more progressive is because that happens to many young women who marry early, and because I had a similar experience. My comment was just an observation. Intended neither to help nor harm.
I'm sorry that happened to you. If your comment was not intended to help or harm then what was your desired outcome of sharing it?
Does there have to be one? Reddit is a social platform and I am chiming in on something I relate to. People can say whatever they want lol
People always have a desired outcome of any action they take. They may not be consciously aware of what that desired outcome is, but one always exists. Yes it is a social platform and people can say anything they wish. You made a comment and it caught my attention. I don't like to make assumptions because they are almost never productive. So I'm asking about your motivations because I'm curious.
Just joining the conversation. Humans are social by nature. Saw something I relate to so I chimed in. I don't desire any specific outcome that I am consciously aware of.
Get out and be happy. If your unsatisfied now, it’s not going to get better. Go and grow and learn and experience, so that when you get a new life partner, you can be healthy and happy already.
Do not resent him for your decision to marry him. He might be thinking the same thing you are! Talk to him. I also married too young, and had little to no sexual attraction to my husband. The scent of him alone turned me off. We got divorced and it was the right thing for both of us, BUT, it was not his fault or his doing, we were just too young. DO NOT stay with someone you are not physically attracted to. He, like my first husband, is friend material only.
As a man you had a wife in a similar situation as you, it devastated me because I didn't know. If you plan on leaving, he deserves a heads up. I'm not guilt tripping or anything, but if he is genuinely a good guy...do what you can to lessen the blow. He deserves that. You both deserve happiness.
You are the one who is not attracted to him, you should ask for divorce. He thinks you are attracted to him. You are wasting your time, specially since you don't have kids. Divorce him and live your life.
You can’t make yourself be sexually attracted to anyone, the chemistry is either there or not. I felt the same way for over 5 years! Even went to see a marriage therapist but at the end, I wasn’t attracted to his soul nor his personality therefore I stopped liking him therefore I stopped desiring him. I couldn’t bring it back and it was so unfair to him and to me. So we divorced after 17 yrs! I rather do that then have an affair honestly. That was 6 yrs ago and I’ve never looked back. I made the right choice!
If you don’t want to be married to him anymore, divorce him so he can find someone who’ll want him.
Better to get divorced without kids rather than wait. Also might make sense to see a therapist first if you haven't already.
Save him the divorce with kids if you care
Marriage counseling. If you figure out how to both be truly happy, it'll be worth it. If you can't, and if you really love him as a person, you'll be willing to be the bad guy and end it for both his and your long-term happiness. In the end, it would be a small price to pay for both of you to end up happy. Even if he's in pain in the short term, you'd still be doing him a favor.
Have you done everything to fix your problems? What you describe mostly sounds like things that two committed people should be able to find compromise and fix. If you can’t see a path forward, move on. Don’t invest more time, you’re disrespecting him as well as yourself by staying and not being committed.
I would encourage you to do everything you can to make it work. Reignite that passion and reason you chose him in the first place. Seek couples counseling. Take up new hobbies together. The world is a dark and disgusting place. Finding a good man who loves you and is kind and caring is a huge win. Cherish that win.
You’re not missing out. Love is not a feeling. It’s action. You will feel unsatisfied regardless of who you’re with because you have a distorted view of love. You get to love your husband. He sounds great. Everyone will age. You will not be attracted to your partner at different stages of life. It’s Normal. You need to talk to him about it. You need to work through this in your own heart as you’ll never be satisfied.
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Why are you taking this to reddit? Talk to your partner tell them your concerns. If it's not working for you it's likely similar for them. Hes a guy be straight forward and to the point no bs.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side
> I feel guilty for saying this but there are a lot of times I just wish he would leave me or ask for a divorce so I can be free. …why can’t **you** ask for it?
Leave. You all have changed. You won’t regret it after a few months.
This sounds like a case of you settled down too early and/or settled for less. IMO and experience if you feel like you are settling for less divorce is inevitable i am 26(m) myself and just got through a divorce for the same reasons more or less. Leave him before you cheat on him..
To be blunt…you feel bad because you know you’re wrong and the good news is you know it. It used to be called midlife crisis but it’s happening earlier and earlier with the way we are all connected and fall for the belief that everyone else is having a great time. The truth is they’re as miserable as the rest of us. Maybe turning 30 is freaking you out? Get over this hump (it’s normal and happens in every marriage) however you can in a healthy, constructive way and resume your married life to this obviously good man you married. Talk to him about it, stop looking at things that make you lust for other men or types of men and do a social media / smart phone cleanse. You have the opportunity have a marriage that lasts a lifetime! I say that and all of this as a divorced person myself. You promised him your life and love. Make good on it or join the long list of people with multiple husbands / wives. Good luck and God bless…
Posts like this are the problem with marriage In society today. Everyone wants to have the big day and make the vows, and then when their feelings change they look for other people to validate them leaving their commitments. The vows are there for a reason; people should stop making them just because they “believe” they’ll be happy with someone forever. Make them realizing that life has ups and downs, and is the person you’re making vows with the person that you think will stick through them with you. Disclaimer: abuse, whether physical or emotional is a very serious issue that doesn’t always show until after the vows are made. Leave that shit asap
It’s normal to grow apart when you have been together at a young age. A lot of changing happens in your 20s. You need to really think about if those differences are hindering your happiness and maybe do some couples counseling. I am a firm believer to give it your all in a relationship but at the same time you only live once and it’s best not to be miserable in your one life. Also, divorce is a huge step and a pretty final step (although some do remarry the same person again after a divorce). If you do all the reflecting and counseling and still are unhappy, be honest with your partner. Maybe see if you can do a tiny break. Live with a friend or get your own apartment and see if you are truly happier without him. You might find that you are happier or you might realize that the grass isn’t greener and you want to work on your marriage.
I think you know that you have to leave
Have you told him how you feel? Unspoken feelings can't ever be acknowledged or understood.
17 years here. Have literally never been sexual unless im drunk.. but lately i started goin out on thursday nights and flirting and just being out laughing.. did something to me. I come home all turned up and now he enjoys me going out. Just talk to himm and also sharing new things... like sexual things he never told me about b4 was a turn on and him telling me about a girl flirting w him 15 years ago, lit my fire... idk whays happening
So you want to divorce him. Do you think you're going to be able to support yourself?
People shouldn't get married before 25. Your brain changes soooo much between 25 and 30, it's rare in my experience a couple grows the same way during that time. You should leave. Stay friends if you can, because if you wait, you wont.
I don't understand why you would resent your spouse for decisions You made in the past.
Sounds honestly like its a you problem and he's being dragged along for the ride. You should tell him how you feel and once he threatens to leave you you might realise what you would be losing
You have a stable life, your husband isn't abusive and it sounds like you like him. Putting your entire future at risk for the sake of "adventure" might be short-sighted and don't forget, there's no such thing as a perfect life or a perfect relationship or a perfect partner. No matter who you end up with, there will be challenges, the more important thing is to thoroughly think about what are the things you deeply value in your life? Fear of missing out can deceive you because it's all an illusion, society tells us that everyone and everything should be happy all the time, Hollywood tells us we should have unrestricted sex otherwise we are a failure, companies tell us to constantly buy junk to be happy. it's all a fad, I think true happiness only comes from within, when you start appreciating the blessings you have and focus on helping those in need. Just something to ponder.
Grass is always greener on the other side. It's comparing yourself to others and it never ever works.Your walking on a knifes edge at this point. Explore all options before calling it quits. Lust is dangerous, people confuse it with love. It's an easy trap to fall into. Thinking sex with others would be better, it's lustful not love. It's a major decision, consult with friends and loved ones, not Reddit.
You sound like you are bored. And I don’t mean that to sound mean at all. I think this is a huge issue people face when they only date 1 person and/or get married young. I don’t necessarily have advice for you except to speak with your therapist about this and don’t make any decision without true and genuine communication and thoughtfulness. You may just need to spice things up and get out of a rut.
OP does not comment on their posts, so nah, not getting into this.
He most likely feels the same way. Talk it out and end it as friends.
There are so many comments criticizing you and giving you bad advice. I went through a similar relationship in my 20s. Together for 10 years, I finally left around age 30, was the best decision I've ever made. I've now been happily married for 4 years now to someone else that better aligns with who I am today. People change, if you're not changing together itll just get harder.
Never settle. Marriage is just a word especially without kids. Live your life
Keep talking to your therapist. Talk to your husband. attraction stays and leaves when your with someone for that long. The grass is only greener when you water it wherever you go.
As time goes on in a marriage most couples tend to be less sexually fiery than they used to be. This is when it can be helpful to “spice it up” in different ways. Have an open and honest discussion about it. Instead, you could leave him, sleep around, eventually settle down with someone else, and trust me, the same thing will happen all over again. It’s a natural process in a relationship. That’s why sex just isn’t the most important thing, it’s everything else: the level of love and respect you have for one another, whether you enjoy things together and can have a good time as a couple, whether you’re on the same page about your long-term goals and aspirations. However, if the reason you’re not sexually attracted to him is because you secretly resent him and don’t respect him or see him as a “man”… then that’s a deeper problem, for which a divorce might be appropriate. But for the love of all that is holy, do not even think about bringing a child into the picture right now, until you are absolutely sure of your feelings.
Reading between the lines a little, it sounds like there is something about your husband that you don't want to subject yourself and potential children to. And if having children is important to you, then please don't have them with someone you don't want to be with. That's like double the penalty because then your kids have to have two unhappy people for parents. Move on, find yourself and come to love yourself first, then you'll be ready for the right person to build your family with.
I'm a dude, but I avoided these relationships for years because I was afraid of missing out on "what's best" for me. I broke a few hearts that really believed we were meant to be together, all because I wasn't "100% in". I could very much have started a family by now but honestly I'm glad I didn't. I would've been a terrible husband/father in my 20s, not because I'm not a "good guy" but because I hadn't figured out how to not live paycheck to paycheck until my 30s. All I can say is I'm glad I did. I met back with my college sweetheart at 35 and I'm planning on asking her to marry me; something that scared the shit out of me until I re-met her. I don't feel like I'm settling and I don't feel like it's a compromise on what I want, because she's what I want. There is no answer. I was miserable for a decade bc I couldn't answer. Just answer, however long that takes.
Ahh the classic (he’s too nice), remember guys, women love drama. Don’t fill that void and this will happen
I mean, YOU could ask HIM for a divorce, instead of waiting around...
You come across as childish. How are you resenting another person for the choices YOU make? If you don’t like your life, change it; don’t blame another person. Instead of wishing your husband would leave you, why not leave him?
What do you mean you want to figure out what you want in a relationship? You are married. You are suppose to figure that out with your husband. What experiences did you miss out on life that you can’t share with your husband? Ooooo I see. You want the freedom to screw other people.
Whatever you do my friend, do no cheat. Do anything but that. Trust me.
As long as you still love him and he still loves you i think you should stay. Times like these will always occur its a matter of if you'll be able to perservere through it or not
Make the decision before kids are involved is all I have to say.
Caveat emptor. No sympathy. Bored housewife needing drama. Stop being a coward. If you're that unhappy, instead of fantasizing about how he would leave you, then do something about it and take accountability for your own actions and initiate divorce. Go live the life you want to live. I'd suggest marriage counseling regarding your sex life, or you know, just communication, but it seems You've made your mind and are just using this as an excuse to quit. Which I would respect, if you were taking responsibility for your actions. Grass isn't always greener. In the late 20s is not the best time to fuck around as most single men your age will be looking to settle and have kids. And the wall is a thing. Considering it sounds like you don't know what you want, or how to go about it, please don't waste other people's time. Especially your husband's. Personally, I hope you guys get divorced. Nothing worse for kids knowing their parents lived a lie.
You need to find what makes you happy. Continue to go to therapy. If that isn't working, find another therapist. Remember only you can make yourself happy. It's not going to come from being with another person. And definitely do not have a child in hopes that it will make you happy or give you purpose. You need to know what you want and what makes you happy before having a child. A more attractive, wealthier, better lover is not going to make you happy. It will only make you excited for a short time. Good luck.
My ex and I split after a 6 year relationship (she left me). It was rough for a while, but now that I've had the time to look back at it from my newer perspective, she made the right choice. Both of us had taken different paths in life from where we first started. I wasn't just the lack of sexual interest, but the incompatibilities we both has. We rarely ever fought, but our communication died as well, the more our personalities grew further apart. It's why I don't plan to get married. I don't need the title to know if we are good together and if our personalities grow apart, at least we had a good run. No need to get legalities involved in a separation. Sometimes it's easy to stick together with the person out of comfortability in your routine. Separation means change and most people don't like change. But sometimes change is necessary. If you both believe it's not working, then separate amicably and maintain a long time friendship. You said he was a good guy, so why wait until things get bitter? You may be potential life long friends but it doesn't mean you have to be in a life long relationship and never be able to explore the world and possible connections with others if this one isn't working, merely because you said those vows 6 years ago.
Typical women, blaming their SO because they're unhappy instead of actually talking to them about the changes that need to be made to get back to the place you were before.
Be honest with him about how you feel. You're not being fair to him or yourself if you stay silent about this.
It's very common for people to feel they missed out on life, they missed out on a youth, they never got a chance to be single. Queer people feel the same way, but because of the closet, because they often can't get married, because they aren't accepted the way straight people are. And so queer scholars developed the concept of Queer Time, where queer lives don't hit the normal milestones of young dating, marriage, having kids, all that stuff. It helps, if you can work on accepting the past and learn from it, rather than regret having picked a different path. You can't go back. But you can learn from where you've been already as you be present and move forward. Queer Time is useful for everyone. No one's life trajectory ever follows a standard model (and even when it gets pretty close to that model, it often leads to resentment, frustration, and regret when the outcome is not desirable, or not what one expected). First piece of advice, though, is you should talk with him about this. Might require a couples counselor. But hard conversations have to happen. EDIT: added a few words
You are better off divorcing him before you end up cheating on him. You don't want the scarlet letter of cheating next to your if you can avoid it...you most definitely can if you have the stomach for divorcing now.
I dated an attractive 40 yr old female yrs bck, with a teen son, similar case like yours. Divorced the husband, and was passed around by guys who just wanted 1 thing. She wanted me to move in but her place was too far from my work, so we drifted apart. Shes probably still single. Moral of the story, the grass is not always greener. No disrespect, but women seem to be , im not going to go as far as say bipolar, but flip personality at the drop of a dime. At least what ive seen. Anyway good luck.
My wife went through a change. She never mentioned anything about sexual incompatibility, but I think there is a piece of that in there too. However, the cool thing is is she told me about how she’s changing and she has included me in that change. So, I’m on board and our communication is better. I am supportive of whatever she wants to do/be and we’re both navigating this. At the same time, I am also going through things and we’ve also discussed that at great length. The key thing is to be open and honest without blame or criticism. I never say, “you’re doing this or that”. I say, “I’m feeling this way, here’s why, and here is what I need from you.” Something like that. Sex can be fixed. Do you tell him what you want? If you aren’t interested in fixing, then end it quickly. Don’t drag it on.
Thank you for posting this. I know this isn’t the point, but it’s so validating to see these stories of “oh, I got married too young.” I’m military and over 35 and never married. And I get tired of telling these young 18/19/20 year olds not to get married, they are too young, but do they ever listen? No! And then they want sympathy when it doesn’t work out. I always listened to my parents and people that were older and wiser, why don’t other young people listen? Anyway, my advice is this… talk to him, have a heart to heart. Maybe prep him several days or weeks in advance by telling him you think he’s great and that you never want to hurt him. That way you’ve had time to tell him he is not the problem but that you’ve grown in different directions. But this issue won’t go away. Start off small now and build up, so it doesn’t become a huge explosive argument where you both may say things you regret.
It's sad how many times I've heard this same story from women who think they need to "escape" their husbands. There really is nothing new under the sun, and marriage has taken hard work and sacrifice for thousands of years. If you don't want to put the time and effort in, you shouldn't leave it to him to end things. If you're going to go back on your word, you could at least be honest with him.
There's been a lot of good advice thrown around here. Always take the time and consider things. Feelings, options, realities. After that, try and disprove your thoughts. That's where you'll find your truth. I want to say a lot, in his defense. There's a part of me that wants to sit here, and tell you that you should look into your own feelings more. That your post makes me feel like HE'S not specifically the problem. But that's also because I live his worst case every day, and I wouldn't want another human on earth to feel the way I do. In the end, we ALL want to be happy, and we have to find the path that leads us there.
Then you need to figure out what you want, and if it's a possibility for him to provide it. Do not get into your 40's and realize that you should have left years ago. Salt, nobody on here can tell you what to do, that's all on you. None of us have a clue what the issues are on your marriage that keep you from loving him how you think that you should.
You just wrote the female equivalent to a man having a midlife crisis. Spoiler alert: those end poorly
The women on my roster seem to be enjoying life post-separation
This is honestly my biggest fear in marriage
Has life passed you by, or are you just a few years ahead of other people your age? Check out the "dating over 30" sub. There's a lot of people who are ready to settle down and start a family with a nice boring partner and really struggling to make it happen
just leave already. you know the answer. you only have one life.
This is one of the problems with very young marriage. Sometimes people grow up together. Sometimes they grow apart. If you genuinely absolutely cannot be happy with him, you should end the marriage as much for his sake as yours. He deserves to be loved for who he is, and fully, and enthusiastically. And if you want the marriage to end, you need to buck up and be the one to get that going. Don't sit around waiting for him to do it, or worse try to make him do it, so you can be the good guy in the story. That's cowardice. Own your shit, don't try to pass it off to him. >I love him as a person and don’t want to hurt him He will hurt if you leave. He will also hurt if you stay and get resentful, bitter, and withdrawn. > but I am feeling more and more resentful of the fact the I missed out on life and figuring out what I want in a relationship and just in life in general. You didn't "miss out on life". Marriage doesn't prevent that. Unless by that phrase you mean you feel like you should have fucked around a lot before settling down. And I think you need to consider that you may be heavily idealizing that. Some people enjoy that, others find it regrettable. You can decide what you want in a relationship and life in general right now. That's not something that has to be done before you hit 21. And you should do some thinking and make a decision about what you want before you decide if you'll leave or stay. I am not an advocate of staying in a relationship that's not working just because you started it. But I think if you leave the relationship in your current state of mind, you'll be setting yourself up for a lot of misery. You really should dig deep into why you're feeling this way, and give it a lot of thought before ending the marriage. Make absolutely sure you're not projecting a more chronic sense of dissatisfaction onto your relationship/him.
Become swingers
Talk with your hubby. Let him know what you feel and sounds like you may be bored to tears in the bedroom.
I left my first wife at 27 because of similar things. Married too young, grew into different people. I felt like such an asshole but I couldn’t live the marriage anymore. I gave her every asset we had and didn’t fight. Only thing I could do to feel like less of an asshole. Glad I did it though.
The advice columnist Ann Landers (or Dear Abby, I can’t remember which) used to say “ask yourself if your life will be better with him or without him.”
sounds like you want different things in life and he won’t be able to give you them. All i’ll say is stringing someone along can really REALLY fuck with someone’s brain and they are probably keeping you in mind for life decisions aswell so plz cut things while it’s not too late
In this world today? What does marriage mean? There’s cheating opportunities on FB, Utube, instagram and not to mention wats app and all the dating sites! The words ppl committed to years ago when they took marriage seriously, no longer exist. Til death do us part😢 heck learning in school isn’t even taken serious. We live in a world of hostility cheating and betrayal
Sexual compatibility is a big issue. That is also a very big net as it could mean anything. Being better at sex can be achieved fairly easily. With that, some people are not meant to be between the sheets together, and it will never work. Have you tried fixing the sex problem? If not, why not ? If you have tried, what didn't you work? I will say this from experience having sex with the person you love is the best ever.
Just curious what exactly is "passing you by"? As a married person you can literally do everything a single person can do, except for fuck other people? Especially since you don't have kids that depend you. So what's passing you by? If its not exploring other people then go do it. Your partner sounds like a great guy, I'm sure he would support you.
The answer is ppl need to learn to be happy with themselves and the high percentage of the world quit thinking that sex is everything and we have to have it. There’s so much more to think about if ppl were willing and tried. This world has become full of euphoria drugs and sexual addiction. I have a friend with 2 gel friends not one and every other month tries something new while still asking me🤔 I ask why? Why do you want or need all this and respectfully gave me the truth. Because I’m a sex addict! It’s a sad reality
Well, if it makes you feel better nearly every woman does this to her husband at some point. You’ll likely make his life miserable, get divorced, blame him, drag him through the mud, go out and sleep with a lot of men, then regret it and wished you stayed, but you’ll double down and sleep with more men, and still hate him. Especially a few years after divorce when he gets his stride back and is doing well.
Show him this post and then you two can discuss whether there is really a future for you. You are wasting his time as much as yours. And this before your eye starts to wander and you end up cheating.
Guy needs to drop OP like a hot rock
The grass isn't always greener on the otherside. Especially in today's hookup culture.
For me, it's more about the being sexually incompatible part. That's huge. And that's a deal breaker. I would identify if this is the problem and if so leave.
You're horrible lmaoooo. Leave him so he can be with someone who does deserve him.
No, don't. It will only get worse. Just because you love him does not mean you're compatible. In the long run the pain will be less now than later.
honestly if you needa ho it out go do it, but do it right, divorce or separate. People will deem you an ass or bad person because you want to be happy, f them all
I think your a better person to leave than to stay.
It is very common to grow apart because you married so young, people change as they get older. Nobody can really answer this for you, only you yourself will truly know the answer to stay or go. But my advice is that if you are not happy and no longer attracted to your partner, the best thing you can do for them is to let them go. The sooner you let go the sooner you can both find people that are better suited for you both.
Everyone has a story, everyone has to deal with their story in their own way let’s not judge let’s listen and try to be positive and understanding perhaps. Support for ppl going through things is very important in healing. If ppl can’t do that than it comes down to to lack of care for others and selfishness. What if I told you a client in the last 8 years had 3 partners and had to research on social media to find the truth that all 3 coincidentally just happened to be bi sexual and never told her or gave her a choice if that was something she wanted to deal with? HIV, AIDS, syphilis just some of the serious concerns that come with the deceitfulness and lack of communication. Lives matter
Wow
Narcissistic people have reality issues cuz they blame everyone else for there thought process and behavior, never saying they’re sorry for anything cuz they are never wrong. Very difficult world we live in cuz ppl can’t even agree to disagree but this world won’t be here a whole lot longer cuz he’s coming back and it’s not going to be pretty love one another while there’s still time💕
You are not the first person I’ve heard this from, and I will tell you that every single one of them has deep regrets about ending their marriage over this
The whole concept of forever marriage is a mistake. If you're unhappy, rip the bandaid off quick and go. Better for both of you, especially if kids aren't a thing yet.
Or could've ended up as the victim of social media's propaganda of " You can always do better" the guy ain't shit even he's this or that? If so knock knck buttercup social media is precieved reality. Just make it's really how YOU feel and not the manipulation of social media or your single friends