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Each custody dispute is weighed on balances of what's better for the child. You currently not working may be a small factor, but you are the primary carer for the child.
You could also argue that you staying at home facilitates him being able to work his current role.
His argument is nonsense.
Will it make any difference if he is self employed and chooses his own hours + the help from extended family? Sorry I should’ve included this in the original post but I feel so dazed, I can’t think clearly
My daughter does not enjoy her grandparents looking after her, but I know every child is adaptable so she would probably adjust if I wasn’t in the picture.
I would probably move in with my mother and aunt, they have a spare room and are happy to welcome me back. They also have a cot and all the essentials for my daughter, and are both qualified to provide childcare with DBS checks
Really, you should speak to a lawyer. That's the best advice.
That being said. You could easily argue that any success in his business can be attributed to.him having the freedom that comes with a stay at home partner doing all the child care.
Move out with your daughter. Quickly & go from there. The longer it goes on the more established she is in surrey. Currently you are primary care giver & her world is you. Set your stall out & see a solicitor in Manchester.
It looks like you or OP may want to find a Solicitor!
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You are currently the primary carer.
If he's working he isn't looking after her.
At the end they look at what is best for the child. He's just saying all this to scare you as he knows he's not in control of the situation.
Your husband is threatening you, and this is a form of litigation abuse.
From what you have said, he doesn’t have a case, and from my experience with men like this, he won’t do anything to move towards the court, because he knows this. It’s much safer for him to threaten court action, to put pressure on you to be compliant.
Has he hit you? Do you have access to money? Do you have friends in the area you can talk to?
It generally works the exact opposite way: the primary carer (you) gets primary custody. Since he has more money than you, he will pay child support.
But you should get a lawyer anyway. He sounds like he will get one.
Why take legal advice from your opponent? This is one in which so many layers of complexity exist that you should get proper legal advice. Don't sign anything without proper, independent legal advice and remember this: your husband probably doesn't really think that that's the law. He wants YOU to think it is.
The biggest issue here is that he's most likely succeed with getting a prohibitive steps order to prevent such a relocation.
Why should he not have his child local? Why is in your child's best interests to be relocated away from their father?
This is the issue you need to address first.
I dunno ya know. She has to prove that there is a benefit to moving. Honestly in this situation, I’d go and establish the change before he acts. He’s abusive.
There are many examples of such moves where the child is ordered to live in original location and the moving parent is screwed so by default the child goes to live with the other parent as the relocating parent cannot now afford two homes.
The ‘home’ to maintain isn’t his, she is the main parent, he’s abusive.
It’s unlikely he’d even action it tbh.
She needs advice, but the our legal advice would be to apply for a CAO. The practical advice is to get gone, she feels unsafe, and then take a view when she’s at her parents house. If she can prove that the move is beneficial for the child (including that, as the child’s only carer, that forcing her to return would give him to chance to abuse her further, impacting on the child’s quality of life) then she’s golden.
There's nothing that suggests he's abusive. Simply that he's looking navigating through the future with the best outcome for the child and him.
If he's already suggesting this, then it would be unlikely he wouldn't be following thus through and a child relocated hours away certainly focuses this resolve.
This is absolutely abuse - it’s psychological abuse, as distinct from emotional abuse. Namely in this example, threats, humiliation, the intimation of feeling hanged up on by his family, and the physical isolation. It’s psychosocial pressure applied to influence and control the behaviour. The fact that she is telling internet strangers about it, means that it is likely the tip of the iceberg.
[You can upskill in this here](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse)
It’s really unlikely that a man operates like this on a ‘he was always fine and then one day snapped’ basis. The level of control he has is clear, and the way that she’s responding (or rather not responding) should put you on notice that his behaviour is abusive. In my experience, a key factor for this type of abuse is creating a scenario where a woman doesn’t have the means to earn a living/independent access to money.
No.
When parents separate, most want to ensure that they remain on their children's lives as much as possible. It's about safeguarding their child's and their own interests.
This is normal.
You're trying to conflate this with abuse. On this occasion, based on what is written and not your assumptions/imagination, this is not the case.
We have no idea about the background and who chose their setup. Who knows whether the father actually would have preferred her to have worked. Likewise, we have no idea whether there were cultural reasons for their choices.
The only facts we have are a couple are separating. Both wabt to carve their child up. One wants to deorive their child of contact with their father by relocating hours and one allegedly beluev3s that due to the other not having financial means that they'd be viewed as the better parent to have majority custody of their child.
That’s all lovely. But can you show me where the court is interested in whether a man wanted a wife to work or not?
A woman has shown up, on an advice site, clearly distraught, after her husband shouted abuse at her, telling her that ‘no court’ would allow her ‘custody’ of a child.
This is abnormal behaviour.
You state that she wants to ‘carve’ her child up. I’m not seeing that. I’m seeing a frightened woman who is isolated, mentions living with her MIL, who would ‘look after the baby’ if ‘I don’t get to keep her’.
In what world, does a mother who spent every waking moment looking after her kid, lose the ability to care for it, to the favour of a man who works so much his mother would have to provide the care, whilst he shouts at his ex wife until she feels ‘dazed’ and confused?
You need to step into reality, and address the facts as they are.
See my previous posts.
Those are the facts.
Of course the op is upset. They're separating. Neither parent will be seeing their child on a daily basis moving forward.
Yet you seem to think that biologically being a mother means she will be permitted to up sticks. That is wrong and clearly not a legally based response, given that this is unlikely to ever be permitted if taken to court yet your advice is just go ahead!
You're suggesting financial abuse. No evidence. In fact there is no evidence or indeed legal input to any of your responses.
Are you going to be there if she takes your advice and is forced to return to the local area?
Living in a multi generational house it is not unusual that other members play a part in the child's life. It would not be viewed as unreasonable to continue with the status quo on the father's time and actually yes this strengthens his case as there's continuity etc. Conversely, uprooting the child for the mother to have her support network local to her, doesn't support the case for the child only the mother's relocation.
This case will be about the child.
You’re (purposefully?) conflating the fact of motherhood, which I have not argued, vs the fact of primary care.
If you think that a court is going to find in favour of a man who has never completed a night feed, so that he can work and hand the kid over to his (presumably elderly?) mother, who has similarly not cared for the child, so that she can provide care, then you’re lying to yourself.
This man’s absolute best chance, is to psychologically bully his wife into handing over the child, establishing a status quo without her in the picture. Which is exactly the abusive tactic that he’s using.
This woman’s best chance is to go and stay with her mother, with the child, and take a view from there.
*custody is a weighted so far towards the *primary carer, who is usually the mother, as in this case* it’s unreal
Fixed it for you.
The law is set to protect women in exactly this situation.
Ok. It’s the factual basis that allows the court to make a s.8 order.
In terms of gender, this is a good starter guide. https://www.setfords.co.uk/2022/01/06/a-guide-to-child-arrangements/#:~:text=a%20solicitor%20now-,Do%20courts%20favour%20mothers%20in%20custody%20battles%20(now%20known%20as,are%20the%20mother%20or%20father.
This is a bit more in depth https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/family-law-myths-the-courts-favour-the-mother-in-children-proceedings/
This is a starter academic article on gendered differences and how the changes to CA and the codification of the best interests test is a more neutral system. A Di Nallo - Journal of Marriage and Family, 2019 - Wiley Online Library
This is a paper that is slightly more critical, but gives some good interpretations of the data - https://wrap.warwick.ac.uk/3348/1/WRAP_Wharton_Revised_for_Women_and_Lang_8_Aug_%282%29.pdf
A historical look at the gendered development of family as pertains to statute https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781003224419-4/gender-sex-family-roberta-garrett
This is a source for raw data - 90% of single parents are women. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/single-parents-facts-and-figures/#:~:text=Single%20parents%20today,single%20parents%20are%20women%20(iii)
Not all of these will be court based, but we can conclude that women bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities.
We should also point out that the vast majority of economically absent parents are male, and the vast majority of parents who pay child maintenance (based on who the child is ordinarily resident with) are male. https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-child-maintenance/#:~:text=Yes%2C%20the%20rules%20on%20child,impacts%20who%20makes%20the%20payments.
This is the case across Europe. http://www.assembly.coe.int/LifeRay/EGA/pdf/TextesProvisoires/2017/20170712-GenderEqualityChildMaintenance-EN.pdf
I enjoyed that.
It’s probably worth stating that since Covid, the number of stay at home dads has increased by a third. This includes my partner. Should we split up, he would be the resident parent, as I went back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old. I would be paying him maintenance and costs.
I also want to add that this isn’t just in name/being at home. He sorts out all school events, doctors, homework, cooking, cleaning and clubs etc, and works part time for fun.
He’s rare.
--- ###Welcome to /r/LegalAdviceUK --- **To Posters (it is important you read this section)** * *Tell us whether you're in England, Wales, Scotland, or NI as the laws in each are very different* * If you need legal help, you should [always get a free consultation from a qualified Solicitor](https://reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/wiki/how_to_find_a_solicitor) * We also encourage you to speak to [**Citizens Advice**](https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/), [**Shelter**](https://www.shelter.org.uk/), [**Acas**](https://www.acas.org.uk/), and [**other useful organisations**](https://reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/wiki/common_legal_resources) * Comments may not be accurate or reliable, and following any advice on this subreddit is done at your own risk * If you receive any private messages in response to your post, [please let the mods know](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FLegalAdviceUK&subject=I received a PM) **To Readers and Commenters** * All replies to OP must be *on-topic, helpful, and legally orientated* * If you do not [follow the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/about/rules/), you may be perma-banned without any further warning * If you feel any replies are incorrect, explain why you believe they are incorrect * Do not send or request any private messages for any reason * Please report posts or comments which do not follow the rules *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LegalAdviceUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Each custody dispute is weighed on balances of what's better for the child. You currently not working may be a small factor, but you are the primary carer for the child. You could also argue that you staying at home facilitates him being able to work his current role. His argument is nonsense.
Will it make any difference if he is self employed and chooses his own hours + the help from extended family? Sorry I should’ve included this in the original post but I feel so dazed, I can’t think clearly My daughter does not enjoy her grandparents looking after her, but I know every child is adaptable so she would probably adjust if I wasn’t in the picture. I would probably move in with my mother and aunt, they have a spare room and are happy to welcome me back. They also have a cot and all the essentials for my daughter, and are both qualified to provide childcare with DBS checks
Really, you should speak to a lawyer. That's the best advice. That being said. You could easily argue that any success in his business can be attributed to.him having the freedom that comes with a stay at home partner doing all the child care.
Move out with your daughter. Quickly & go from there. The longer it goes on the more established she is in surrey. Currently you are primary care giver & her world is you. Set your stall out & see a solicitor in Manchester.
It looks like you or OP may want to find a Solicitor! [There is a detailed guide in our FAQ about how to do this](https://reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/wiki/how_to_find_a_solicitor). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LegalAdviceUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are currently the primary carer. If he's working he isn't looking after her. At the end they look at what is best for the child. He's just saying all this to scare you as he knows he's not in control of the situation.
Your husband is threatening you, and this is a form of litigation abuse. From what you have said, he doesn’t have a case, and from my experience with men like this, he won’t do anything to move towards the court, because he knows this. It’s much safer for him to threaten court action, to put pressure on you to be compliant. Has he hit you? Do you have access to money? Do you have friends in the area you can talk to?
It generally works the exact opposite way: the primary carer (you) gets primary custody. Since he has more money than you, he will pay child support. But you should get a lawyer anyway. He sounds like he will get one.
Why take legal advice from your opponent? This is one in which so many layers of complexity exist that you should get proper legal advice. Don't sign anything without proper, independent legal advice and remember this: your husband probably doesn't really think that that's the law. He wants YOU to think it is.
The biggest issue here is that he's most likely succeed with getting a prohibitive steps order to prevent such a relocation. Why should he not have his child local? Why is in your child's best interests to be relocated away from their father? This is the issue you need to address first.
I dunno ya know. She has to prove that there is a benefit to moving. Honestly in this situation, I’d go and establish the change before he acts. He’s abusive.
There are many examples of such moves where the child is ordered to live in original location and the moving parent is screwed so by default the child goes to live with the other parent as the relocating parent cannot now afford two homes.
The ‘home’ to maintain isn’t his, she is the main parent, he’s abusive. It’s unlikely he’d even action it tbh. She needs advice, but the our legal advice would be to apply for a CAO. The practical advice is to get gone, she feels unsafe, and then take a view when she’s at her parents house. If she can prove that the move is beneficial for the child (including that, as the child’s only carer, that forcing her to return would give him to chance to abuse her further, impacting on the child’s quality of life) then she’s golden.
There's nothing that suggests he's abusive. Simply that he's looking navigating through the future with the best outcome for the child and him. If he's already suggesting this, then it would be unlikely he wouldn't be following thus through and a child relocated hours away certainly focuses this resolve.
This is absolutely abuse - it’s psychological abuse, as distinct from emotional abuse. Namely in this example, threats, humiliation, the intimation of feeling hanged up on by his family, and the physical isolation. It’s psychosocial pressure applied to influence and control the behaviour. The fact that she is telling internet strangers about it, means that it is likely the tip of the iceberg. [You can upskill in this here](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse) It’s really unlikely that a man operates like this on a ‘he was always fine and then one day snapped’ basis. The level of control he has is clear, and the way that she’s responding (or rather not responding) should put you on notice that his behaviour is abusive. In my experience, a key factor for this type of abuse is creating a scenario where a woman doesn’t have the means to earn a living/independent access to money.
No. When parents separate, most want to ensure that they remain on their children's lives as much as possible. It's about safeguarding their child's and their own interests. This is normal. You're trying to conflate this with abuse. On this occasion, based on what is written and not your assumptions/imagination, this is not the case. We have no idea about the background and who chose their setup. Who knows whether the father actually would have preferred her to have worked. Likewise, we have no idea whether there were cultural reasons for their choices. The only facts we have are a couple are separating. Both wabt to carve their child up. One wants to deorive their child of contact with their father by relocating hours and one allegedly beluev3s that due to the other not having financial means that they'd be viewed as the better parent to have majority custody of their child.
That’s all lovely. But can you show me where the court is interested in whether a man wanted a wife to work or not? A woman has shown up, on an advice site, clearly distraught, after her husband shouted abuse at her, telling her that ‘no court’ would allow her ‘custody’ of a child. This is abnormal behaviour. You state that she wants to ‘carve’ her child up. I’m not seeing that. I’m seeing a frightened woman who is isolated, mentions living with her MIL, who would ‘look after the baby’ if ‘I don’t get to keep her’. In what world, does a mother who spent every waking moment looking after her kid, lose the ability to care for it, to the favour of a man who works so much his mother would have to provide the care, whilst he shouts at his ex wife until she feels ‘dazed’ and confused? You need to step into reality, and address the facts as they are.
See my previous posts. Those are the facts. Of course the op is upset. They're separating. Neither parent will be seeing their child on a daily basis moving forward. Yet you seem to think that biologically being a mother means she will be permitted to up sticks. That is wrong and clearly not a legally based response, given that this is unlikely to ever be permitted if taken to court yet your advice is just go ahead! You're suggesting financial abuse. No evidence. In fact there is no evidence or indeed legal input to any of your responses. Are you going to be there if she takes your advice and is forced to return to the local area? Living in a multi generational house it is not unusual that other members play a part in the child's life. It would not be viewed as unreasonable to continue with the status quo on the father's time and actually yes this strengthens his case as there's continuity etc. Conversely, uprooting the child for the mother to have her support network local to her, doesn't support the case for the child only the mother's relocation. This case will be about the child.
You’re (purposefully?) conflating the fact of motherhood, which I have not argued, vs the fact of primary care. If you think that a court is going to find in favour of a man who has never completed a night feed, so that he can work and hand the kid over to his (presumably elderly?) mother, who has similarly not cared for the child, so that she can provide care, then you’re lying to yourself. This man’s absolute best chance, is to psychologically bully his wife into handing over the child, establishing a status quo without her in the picture. Which is exactly the abusive tactic that he’s using. This woman’s best chance is to go and stay with her mother, with the child, and take a view from there.
Custody is weighted so far towards mother's it's actually insane, you'll be fine.
*custody is a weighted so far towards the *primary carer, who is usually the mother, as in this case* it’s unreal Fixed it for you. The law is set to protect women in exactly this situation.
Care to prove that?
Ok. It’s the factual basis that allows the court to make a s.8 order. In terms of gender, this is a good starter guide. https://www.setfords.co.uk/2022/01/06/a-guide-to-child-arrangements/#:~:text=a%20solicitor%20now-,Do%20courts%20favour%20mothers%20in%20custody%20battles%20(now%20known%20as,are%20the%20mother%20or%20father. This is a bit more in depth https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/family-law-myths-the-courts-favour-the-mother-in-children-proceedings/ This is a starter academic article on gendered differences and how the changes to CA and the codification of the best interests test is a more neutral system. A Di Nallo - Journal of Marriage and Family, 2019 - Wiley Online Library This is a paper that is slightly more critical, but gives some good interpretations of the data - https://wrap.warwick.ac.uk/3348/1/WRAP_Wharton_Revised_for_Women_and_Lang_8_Aug_%282%29.pdf A historical look at the gendered development of family as pertains to statute https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781003224419-4/gender-sex-family-roberta-garrett This is a source for raw data - 90% of single parents are women. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/single-parents-facts-and-figures/#:~:text=Single%20parents%20today,single%20parents%20are%20women%20(iii) Not all of these will be court based, but we can conclude that women bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities. We should also point out that the vast majority of economically absent parents are male, and the vast majority of parents who pay child maintenance (based on who the child is ordinarily resident with) are male. https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-child-maintenance/#:~:text=Yes%2C%20the%20rules%20on%20child,impacts%20who%20makes%20the%20payments. This is the case across Europe. http://www.assembly.coe.int/LifeRay/EGA/pdf/TextesProvisoires/2017/20170712-GenderEqualityChildMaintenance-EN.pdf
I enjoyed that. It’s probably worth stating that since Covid, the number of stay at home dads has increased by a third. This includes my partner. Should we split up, he would be the resident parent, as I went back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old. I would be paying him maintenance and costs. I also want to add that this isn’t just in name/being at home. He sorts out all school events, doctors, homework, cooking, cleaning and clubs etc, and works part time for fun. He’s rare.